Thanks for all your support, it's really the only thing that keeps me going... usually I get tired of a story quickly... lets hope that doesn't happen =P

Delirium (I hope I got that right) thanks for your comments, I still don't feel that confident about trying to write in British English, though... it's so hard! I think my head is gonna explode...

Heh, ok.... Lets begin...

When I am bad I am even better

Chapter 3: Out of my mind

Buffy walked tirelessly back and forth in her room, if she didn't know better she would think she was jealous. But she knew she wasn't, because she couldn't. Because she had decided to forget about him after that last night. Yeah, that had been the closure to something that never really existed.

But still, she couldn't believe Spike hadn't told her about Drusilla, were they still dating? That was ridiculous! He had started to date Dru 6 months before Buffy left England... in fact they were still dating when Buffy and Spike... Oh, my God, I was the other woman. Buffy thought startled, but then she smirked... No, I was the first woman. She couldn't help but to feel good about that little detail, she had been his first, just as he had been her first. But how many times has he done 'it' after me? And with who? She shuddered thinking in Spike and Drusilla together. That was just gross.

She heard the front door open suddenly, they were home, and she had to talk to Spike. Tired steps going up the stairs could be heard in her bedroom; she peered in to the hall, her door barely open. Spike was coming, dragging a bag full of clothes after him. He was murmuring something about psychotic mothers and sense of fashion. She grabbed him by his T-Shirt and brought the bleached boy into her room.

"Drusilla called." She said, trying to look cool about it.

"Oh, yeah?" he asked feeling a little taken aback. "You drag me to your room to tell me that?"

"Are you still dating her?" she asked, believing that the straightforward way will be easier.

"Apparently yes... we have been dating on and off this last 3 years. 'Can't say we have been 'exclusive'." Ok. Buffy thought, at least he is honest about it. "Why so interested, pet?" he moved toward her, leaving the bag of clothes behind; but before he could reach her, she raising her hand to stop him.

"Does she know?" she asked finally, feeling the blood focusing in her cheeks.

"Know what?" he said confused, Buffy gave him a serious look and arched an eyebrow. A flash of white skin, golden hair and green eyes appeared in his brain. "No" he answered with a neutral tone of voice.

"Good." She nodded and dropped her hand; he started to move toward her again.

"Why do you ask?" he was close now, too close for Buffy's liking. Why does he keep doing that?

"When I spoke with her... she was so cold. But then again, she never liked me... I just thought she knew." She said truthfully.

"Nobody knows." He whispered. Buffy saw his tongue dare out of his mouth to moisture his lips and gulped nervously. She got out of his fiery look, walked to the door and held it open.

"Thanks for passing by." She told him with a fake smile.

"You know what, luv? This... little 'chats' we've been having lately..." he said moving his finger to point between him and Buffy. "I like them." He bent to pick up the bag and exited the room. Buffy let out a much needed sigh. What is wrong with him?

**

Spike walked silently to his new bedroom -which he happened to share with his mother, of all people. When he finally reached his destination he threw the bag of clothes to his bed and sighed. It had all started that night, but yet, she acted like it had all ended that night. No, missy. You can't screw me and pretend it didn't happen...No, because he had tried and he couldn't. How could she act as if it didn't happen?

It had been her fault; she was the one who came to his room in the middle of the night. She was the one who started with the kissing, sucking, nibbling... Stop it! He demanded and sat in his bed heavily.

And she was the one who left him alone in his room, feeling crushed, feeling incomplete, feeling that it was just too late and too wrong. True, he had told her to get out, but didn't she know him enough? He didn't mean it... And even if he hadn't said anything, she was starting to leave before that!

That was why he had written the letters, to tell her how he felt and to make her see that she was killing him... he let his pen dance in those sheets of paper without even bothering to read what he was writing, but he knew it was more than he wanted to say. He just wanted her to come back so he could fix all the things that had gone wrong ... But she never wrote back.

Maybe she didn't read them... or even better, maybe she didn't get them.

"Dinner is ready." He heard Buffy said as she was walking down the stairs. I reckon I'll just have to ask her.

**

"Ready for tonight?" a low voice coming from a seat next to her made Buffy jump in surprise. She had been working in a Geometry problem that didn't seem to be quite right and hoping she would get to finish her homework before the teacher got to the room. She turned her head to look at her friend.

"Oh, hi, Angel." She said smiling, he answered with a small smile and a nod. "Ready as I'll ever be... you know I still hate singing in public..." she felt herself shiver.

"Don't worry, Buffy, it'll only be 2 songs, we are opening for another band." He said pressing a comforting hand in her shoulder. She smiled at him. Why hadn't she ever given him a chance? Oh, yeah, she didn't feel 'ready' yet. "And Spike will be there... if he gets to learn the lyrics in 5 hours." She let her mind focus in Spike for a second... singing with him will be majorly weird. Heck, seeing him again was majorly weird. And, she had noticed, there was something really wrong about him, like something had changed drastically in those 3 years she hadn't seen him. But no, the bleached head was still there, the annoying grin was there too, the scared-eyebrow-lift was there too... and she was sure the duster would appear when the days start feeling cooler. There was nothing different about him... except maybe that now she made her feeling a little too short-he was at least 3 inches taller-... and he definitely had been working out, she could tell...

"Buffy?"

"Huh?" she found herself looking at worried chocolate eyes.

"Are you feeling ok? You zoned out there for a minute." Angel said looking at her with wonder.

She laughed nervously. "Yes, yes. I was just thinking." She looked down at her notebook full of incomplete exercises. "I don't seem to finish any of this..."

Angel reached for her notebook and their fingers touched softly, it didn't send shiver down her spine or nothing of the sort, but it sure made her blush. Maybe I should give him a chance after all... "Let me see..."

**

Spike played absentmindedly with his pen thinking in how he was going to ask Buffy about those stupid letters. Even if she had read them, they had been written two years ago... it didn't mean he still felt 'something' for her.

Right, right? Wrong...

It had been easier pretend not to feel anything for her when she was living with him in London... because she was always there, and he thought she would always be there. But when he had tried to pretend after tasting how it felt to have her... it was impossible, especially because she was not longer there and he couldn't go to her room and talk to her until she felt asleep, like he used to do everything he felt he needed her. So what did he do? He turned to Dru... Drusilla wasn't that bad, really. She was a little crazy, sure; but who wasn't? Except that... touching her, kissing her... it never felt right anymore. He used other girls, too, trying to forget her... it never worked quite well.

"That's my chair, Blondie." He turned his head to see a gothic looking girl standing with her hands in her hips and her red colored lips pressed in an irritated expression.

"There seems to be a lot of chairs in this classroom," he said pointing at their surroundings, "why don't you sit right here next to me and stop complaining?" he reached a chair with one hand and positioned it right next to his seat. The girl smiled a sultry smile and walked to the chair slowly careful to keep eye contact.

"I am Faith." She said finally when she got to the chair and sat with her legs crossed.

He grinned at her and stretched out his hand to take hers. "Spike."

"So nice to meet you." She purred.

**

Buffy could see Spike already seated in their table in the cafeteria from the door, she felt tempted for a minute to just turn around and leave... but then she thought that that would be just too childish of her. Really, she had to start behaving like a girl her age, not like a 12 years old...

"Hey." She said sitting across from him, he just nodded at her because he had food in his mouth. "I take it the pizza is good?" she said when she saw that he was too busy savoring his food -if you can call pizza food.

He nodded again and swallowed. "So much better than my ma's cooking."

"Agree." They looked at each other without saying anything for a couple of second, each of them lost in their own worries.

"Buff-" he started to say, he didn't think the school cafeteria was the best place to talk about those letter, but he had seen the chance... fortunately Willow interfered.

"Hi!" she said in her usual cheerful mood and took a seat next to Buffy. "Ready for tonight?" she asked to the blond girl, Buffy just shrugged. Willow smiled, accustomed to her lack of enthusiasm.

"Oh, that reminds me... we have to have a quick rehearsal if you are going to be singing with me today, Spike." Buffy said, suddenly in a business mood. "I don't want to make a fool of myself... so you better be there and you better learn those lyrics."

"What? Not even a day in your little group and I'm being bossed around?" he said meeting her defiant look.

"You were the one who wanted to prove to me he could sing better..." she said in a singsong tone.

"I don't have to prove anything to you! I just wanted to let you see you were singing horribly when you could do it a lot better." He finished looking at her with a serious frown.

"Do you think I can sing?" she asked, looking for a truthful response.

"Of course," he assured "I wouldn't be in the band if I thought you couldn't sing... or that the others couldn't play. You are good..."

Buffy gave him a warm smile; he could feel his insides burn beneath his skin. Now, that was the smile he remembered. "Thank you."

"Yeah, thank you, man." Xander said as he seated in the space next to Spike. "That means so much to me coming from you." He joked in an overacted kind of tone and wiped an invisible tear from his eye. Willow slapped his arm from across the table.

"You clown."

**

And he was there, sitting in the floor of the little garage in Oz's house, reading the lyrics and singing them under his breath while the others were talking about their next performance, a week from then.

"Do you think we should start with a slow song? I think it will be better if we let the slow song until the end… " Angel said, pointing at the song schedule.

"But we need to get out with a BAM, " Xander complained. "not with a soppy girly song."

"Hey! There is nothing soppy about 'Kiss me'." Buffy complained. Her three band mates eyed her with their browns up. "ok, ok… it's a little girly…"

"And we are playing just because you made us." Xander said.

"And you know I love you for that."  she said smiling at the brunette. Xander nodded in mocked agreement and Buffy hugged him playfully.

"And you know I love you for that" mocked her Spike in his mind. "God, they have their hands all over each other…" he said eyeing Buffy as she put an arm around Xander's shoulder from the corner of his eye, "First that Angel guy and now Xander?!" he snorted. "Slut."

"Are you finished, over there?" Buffy yelled at him, he snapped out of his thoughts and nodded as he stood up.

"I guess."

"Come on, we have to rehearse."  Spike walked to the little stage and took a microphone. Let's see how this turns out.

***

At the end it didn't turn out that bad, and they decided to let Spike sing with them that same night. They got to the Bronze at 7, after a painfully long ride by Buffy's mother, who couldn't contend her excitement when she found out Spike was in her daughter's band.

"That is so great!" Joyce said. "I knew it was only a matter of time before you became best friends again… I guess now everything is back to the way it used to be, right?" the two adolescents looked at each other and then turned their heads to their windows. It would never be the same, and they knew it.

The Bronze was packed; it seemed like all Sunnydale High School was there. Suddenly, Spike started to feel a little nervous; at first he had thought that this –singing in public- couldn't be that difficult, but as he reached the stage in the back of the club he couldn't help but feel… horrified.

"You don't look so good." Buffy's voice startled him.

He gulped, trying to make the knot in his throat disappear. "I am perfectly alright." He lied.

"Sure you are." Buffy said patting him in the shoulders. He sighed and turned to look at her, she seemed so short now, he had to look down at her- and he had never had to do that before. And if he wanted to kiss her he would have to bend his knees a little, and she would have to stand in her toes… not that he was going to kiss her or anything like that. Nuhhuh. "Stage fear?" she asked with a knowing smile.

"I am not afraid, luv." he said defensively. "Just… preoccupied." She nodded and patted his shoulders again.

"Sure, whatever you say."

Before he thought about something intelligent as a response, Buffy was dragging him by the hand to the stage. "It's our turn!" she said, suddenly acting business-like.

Standing there, in front of what looked like hundreds of people, the attention didn't seem so bad. In fact, it felt good. Spike shook the nervousness away once the music started… he listened patiently to the music notes until it was his time to sing.

When we die

We go into the arms of those who remember us

We are home now

Out of our heads

Out of our minds

Out of this world

Out of this time

Are you drowning or waving?

I just want you to save me

Should we try to get along?

Just try to get along

Spike and Buffy's voice resounded in the walls of the club, it felt like everybody had stopped talking and were just listening to them play, the couples in the dance floor swinging at the pace of the song, mesmerized by the slow notes.  When the song ended the entire club was silent, and then the band started playing the next song, Bathwater by No Doubt, everybody seemed to wake up of a trance with the rapid song and the whole club started dancing. 

Spike looked at Buffy while she sang, hips moving to the left and to the right rhythmically, he focuses so much in her that he almost forgot that his part of the song came next.

**

Buffy stepped down of the stage feeling lightheaded, it had been one of their best performances, she smiled when she saw Willow clapping enthusiastically in the backstage.

"It was GREAT!" her friend yelled. "Great! Wow… you and Spike make a WONDERFUL duo! I mean it… wow, it was…" Buffy patted the redhead in the head, trying to calm her down.

"Breath, Willow, breath." She instructed. The redhead took a deep breath and smiled again at the blond.

"You should have seen how Spike was looking at you while you singed." She whispered, her eyebrows raised in a knowingly glaze.  "I tell you, he was drooling." Buffy hit her in the shoulder and frowned.

"Don't be silly, Will." She said with a serious voice. "He was just… concentrating."

"In you" her friend added.

"I think you are seeing things." Buffy felt herself start to blush, even if she really tried not to. "We lived together for like seven years, we are like brother and sister…" her friend looked at her with a serious face. "Will… don't look at me like that." She asked, she knew that look, Willow always had that look when she was doing serious thinking.

"Buffy, I KNOW you are not telling me something." Willow said, still with a knowing look. "There was something, right? You don't act like old best friends… you act like former boyfriend and girlfriend, with the sexual tension and all." Buffy cringed at the mention of the 'sexual tension', but looked at her best friend and sighed.

"I told you I was going to tell you when I am ready…"

"And I understand that… but what could be so difficult to say that you can't tell ME, I'm your best friend." Willow said pouting, she had to admit the curiosity was killing her. "It's not like you had sex or something." They heard a snort from behind them and turned around, Spike was just entering the room.

"Uh, sorry." He said. "Private conversation?" he smirked at Buffy and crossed his arms. The blond girl gave an irritated grunt, she was sure that she was as red as a tomato now. How long had he been there listening? That little rat!

"I'll go wait for my mom outside." She said hurriedly and left the room.

Willow faced Spike with an angry expression. "You were listening to our conversation?!"

"Is not my fault, I was coming here and you happened to be talking very loud…" he said smirking and leaned against the wall opposite to were Willow was standing.

"So you heard what we were saying?" she asked.

"No, not really…" he said shaking his head.

"Don't lie." She said getting closer to him. "I heard you snort when I said 'It's not like you had sex or something.'" He looked away from her, feeling a little trapped now.

"I didn't hear you. I just happened to snort at the same time you finish saying that…"

"Liar." She said, now she was face to face with him. "You had sex with her, didn't you?" she said accusatively.

"Of course not!" he said, still not looking at her.

"Oh my God… you did! You took advantage of my best friend!" she yelled.

"SHE was the one who came to ME!" he explained… and then realized his mistake. Willow was looking at him with surprise in her eyes, her mouth hanging open.

"Oh. My. God."

"Uh oh."

***

"Buffy Anne Summers!" Willow approached her friend, who was standing in the sidewalk looking at the cars that passed by. "Tell me it's not true!" The read head faced her friend with a huge grin. Buffy immediately understood what her friend meant and cursed under her breath.

"I'm going to kill him! He told you?!" she asked angrily.

"So it is true?" she asked again, excitement in her face.

"…Yes" she said avoiding Willow's stare.

"When?" she asked enthusiastically, "when did you… you know?" Buffy walked to the edge of the sidewalk and sat heavily, Willow followed.

"It was the last night I spent in England."

"How romantic… wait a minute, you were 16 years old!" Willow said, Buffy looked at her and sighed, she didn't want to talk about it… but she knew that Willow wouldn't let her alone until she told her everything she wanted to know.  It wouldn't be easy, she knew, to survive the interrogatory but maybe… maybe it would help her see things from another perspective… maybe.

"I know, Wills."

"I can't believe my ears!" said Willow, still showing her excitement, but then she grew serious. "Did you even use protection?" Buffy felt her cheeks get warmer. That is Willow for you, always picking up the little details…

"Eh, no." Willow slapped her in the arm and gave her a grave look. "Ow!"

"That's for being dumb. Do you have any idea how dangerous that was?"

"Believe me, I KNOW, I had two years to think about it." Neither of them said a word for a few minutes; Willow looked pensive and Buffy hoped she was done with the questions, after all Spike was still nearby, what if he heard them talking?… again?

"This is so weird," Willow said finally, crushing all of Buffy's hopes of a silent evening. "now I am the only virgin in the gang; 'cause I KNOW Xander is not… I mean, you know Anya…" Buffy rolled her eyes, the last thing she wanted was to start talking about virginity… or Xander and Anys's sexual life.

"Is this going somewhere?" she asked looking bored with the subject.

"Yes, yes. I am your best friend! I have rights you know…" The red head said pouting.

"What kind of rights?" Buffy asked feeling confused by the other girl's babbling.

"Well… there is the right to know every little detail of what happened." Buffy made an 'ew' face.

"That's kinda messed up, Wills."

"I don't mean EVERYTHING, it's not like I want to know the size of his—"

"Willow, shut up!" Buffy interrupted before she could finish, she sure didn't wanted a mental image… and it wasn't like she had seen 'it', it was dark, after all…

"Shutting up…" Another silence followed. The blond looked at the passing cars and tried to ignore the memories that were flowing to her brain… it was mostly about that night; but she remembered also some of the good old days and once again she wondered why did it have to change. Why couldn't everything stay as simple as it had been the first years of her life in England? She sighed.

"Ok, Will, I'll tell you everything you want to know." Her friend gave a yelp and clapped her hands in approval. "But not here in the middle of the street while I'm waiting for my mom to come and pick me and my former best friend/sexual partner up."

"Ok, ok." Willow said nodding. "I'll go to your house tomorrow."

"You do realize Spike happens to live next to my room?"

"Yep."

"Just checking."

************ That was the end of Chapter 3!

Hello people! Sorry about the… 4 (?) months it took me to finish this chapter, but I finally have my own computer, the next chapter wont take too long, I hope!

Review! And thanks for all your wonderful comments!