I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
I'm offering no prize this week because I'm
feeling too sorry for myself to think of one, I have a toothache so bad it
could easily kill a genetically engineered rhino. So please cheer me up and
send feedback to Kelly_simba@hotmail.com
Alternative Season Nine Episode Two
Saturday With Frasier
By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)
ACT ONE(A)
TITLE CARD: 'NARCOLEPTIC'S SWITCH OFF NOW'
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/1
(Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Roz, Martin, Eddie)
NILES AND DAPHNE SIT ON THE COUCH WATCHING THE TELEVISION. DAPHNE IS WIDE-AWAKE, GLUED TO THE SCREEN BECOMING EXTREMELY EXCITED; NILES ON THE OTHER HAND STILL LOOKS HALF ASLEEP WEARING AN ENGLAND SHIRT. ENTER FRASIER FROM HIS ROOM, WEARING HIS ROBE AND YAWNING
FRASIER
What are you two doing up so early? You've not switched to the Manchester time zone again have you? I don't want to have to start my day by digesting Shepherd's pie for breakfast again instead of my bran muffin. It makes me feel so bloated and the last thing my listeners want to hear is the sound of my belching bouncing across the airwaves.
NILES
Daphne wanted to...
DAPHNE
Ssshhhh
NILES
Watch the...
DAPHNE
Ssshhhh
NILES
England game.
DAPHNE
Ssshhhh
FRASIER
I forgot that on Saturday mornings we're only allowed to speak in semaphore. What is the correct sign for 'get out of my house it's early'? Or is that being too subtle?
NILES
I think you're getting confused with the Play Boy mansion. Here we have to use smoke signals and telepathy. Right now I'm sensing Daphne wants me to be quiet or she'll strangle me.
FRASIER
And not necessarily around your neck. Would you like a coffee?
NILES
Oh please.
NILES GETS UP OFF THE COUCH BEING CAREFUL TO WALK BEHIND IT SO AS NOT TO DISRUPT DAPHNE'S VIEWING AND THEN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN FOLLOWING FRASIER
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS
AS FRASIER PUTS THE COFFEE ON NILES STARTS TO RUB HIS EYES
NILES (CONT'D)
I think I need an expresso enema this morning to perk myself up. I'd barely nodded off when Daphne kicked me out of bed this morning to make me sit in front of the television and watch sweaty men kick a ball around. Remind me to melt her alarm clock later.
FRASIER
Niles I can't help but notice, you're wearing a t-shirt. Were you aware of it?
NILES
Yes I know and it's not just a t-shirt. It's an England soccer t-shirt.
FRASIER
May I ask why you're wearing it?
NILES
That would be because of the beautiful...
DAPHNE
(OFF STAGE) Come on Fowler shift your bleedin' arse into gear you lazy sod!
NILES
Soccer hooligan sitting on the couch.
FRASIER
She's awfully angry and also sitting next to rather expensive one of a kind antiques. Forget the coffee I think I'll need some brandy and a bottle of sedatives.
NILES
I removed everything of value before it started.
FRASIER
Bless you. Well just remember I'm here for you if you decide to pin her down and sedate her if she gets out of control.
NILES
Frasier if that trick doesn't work on one of your dates, it's not going to work on Daphne.
SFX: DOORBELL
FRASIER
So you won't be wanting that bone marrow then. I'll just keep it all to myself.
FRASIER AND NILES EXIT OUT OF THE KITCHEN, FRASIER CARRYING A COFFEE TRAY
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE REMAINS AS BEFORE AS NILES SITS BACK DOWN NEXT TO HER AND FRASIER PLACES A COFFEE TRAY ON THE TABLE BEFORE HE CROSSES TO ANSWER THE DOOR
NILES
How are they doing?
DAPHNE
Ssshhhh
NILES
We need to try to extend your vocabulary slightly.
DAPHNE
Quiet
NILES
Look it's improving already that was a two-syllable word.
FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS
FRASIER
Good morning Roz and what are you doing here so early on a Saturday morning? Or haven't you been to bed yet? No wait, you've forgotten where you parked your car and you need my help to find it. Have you at least remembered your keys this time?
NILES
My guess would be then you've left it at the docks, or in some seedy back alley.
ROZ
No funny man. One of the others mothers from Alice's pre school class had her last night so I decided to have a lie in for a change.
FRASIER
Then why aren't you lying in?
NILES
Dating a snorer?
FRASIER
A screamer?
NILES
A...
DAPHNE
Ssshhhh
NILES
Honey don't take this the wrong way but you're not that good at playing Roz's guessing game.
ROZ
I'm bored. I'm not used to sleeping in. And Alice isn't going to be back until this evening, so I thought I'd come here. I'm a glutton for punishment, I know.
FRASIER
So you intend to stay here all day?
ROZ
Well yeah.
ROZ SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH NEXT TO DAPHNE
FRASIER
But I actually have plans for today Roz. Maybe Niles and Daphne could entertain you. He's going to tie a bottle of Valium on a piece of string and lure her away from the television set in a moment.
NILES
Actually we were just going to stay here.
FRASIER
All day?
NILES
Yes
FRASIER
And do what?
DAPHNE
Nothing
FRASIER
How wonderful I've just developed three new Dads'. Like one wasn't enough to contend with. Does this mean I'm getting my Christmas wish early and having three more Eddie's to stare at me as well? Bare in mind I won't hesitate in throwing any of them down the garbage shoot. I'd fetch you all a beer and some pork rinds but I don't want you fighting over his chair while my back is turned.
ROZ
So what exactly are you doing today Frasier? Spending quality time with yourself? Trying to bore yourself to death.
FRASIER
That's very humorous. Well I'm not planning on doing anything exactly.
ROZ
And you complain that we have no plans, which by the way I did. My plans were to come here. It's biting me in the ass already. I should have just gone out and run over some puppies.
FRASIER
So we're all going to sit around, all day, doing nothing?
ROZ
That's about it.
FRASIER
Well isn't this going to be entertaining?
MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM IN HIS ROBE BUT SUDDENLY STOPS BY THE FIRE PLACE WHEN HE SEES THAT EVERYONE ELSE IS THERE
MARTIN
Oh...I didn't realise anyone was up. So are you all going out? It's a beautiful day. The big city's calling you. There's a protest rally down on 5th, why don't you go down there and see if you can all get arrested. Make the old man proud.
FRASIER
As appealing as being stripped searched by a large woman called Ruth wearing Loafers and a rubber glove is, apparently we're doing nothing today except sitting around waiting for death to knock on our door and put us out of this misery.
MARTIN
Oh well...as long as you're sure. I'm going back to my room. I'm not decent and there are ladies present.
NILES
Since when has that stopped you? You went downstairs to speak to the doorman the other day in your bunny covered underwear.
MARTIN
I had more on then that.
NILES
A sock puppet with eyes made from beer bottle tops, smoking a pipe doesn't count.
ROZ
That all depends on where he was wearing it.
MARTIN
What's the big deal no one saw me.
FRASIER
You took the elevator.
MARTIN
The service elevator.
FRASIER
Everyone had to take the service elevator that day, they were repairing the other one. Someone got a banana wedged in the control panel. You'd have been seen by fewer people at the top of the Space Needle.
MARTIN
What's the big deal, just tell everyone I'm crazy.
FRASIER
I would but that excuse is wearing a bit thin now.
DAPHNE
Only because we have to keep using it for you.
MARTIN
I'll just grab a cup of coffee.
MARTIN WALKS TO THE TABLE AND POURS TWO CUPS OUT AND HEADS BACK TO HIS ROOM WITH EVERYONE EXCEPT DAPHNE WATCHING HIM
ROZ
I know my math skill isn't what it should be but that's two cups. Unless I'm seeing double again.
MARTIN
That's right, one for me...one for...Eddie.
FRASIER
Eddie?
MARTIN
That's right.
NILES
Since when has Eddie started drinking coffee?
MARTIN
Just for a couple of months, right before his eye started twitching out of control.
FRASIER
OK then
MARTIN EXITS BACK TO HIS ROOM AS FRASIER POURS ROZ A COFFEE
ROZ
So Daphne...
DAPHNE
Ssshhh
NILES
Daphne honey, the...(TO ROZ) how long do these things last?
ROZ
Ninety minutes I believe.
NILES
The ninety minutes are over. I'm sorry they've lost. But I know what'll make you feel better...
NILES LEANS IN TO KISS DAPHNE AS SHE SUDDENLY SHOUTS AND JUMPS UP IN THE AIR CELEBRATING A GOAL. BECAUSE NILES WAS SO CLOSE TRYING TO KISS HER, DAPHNE ACCIDENTALLY CATCHES HIM ON THE NOSE WITH HER ELBOW. AS DAPHNE JUMPS ABOUT, NILES CLUTCHES HIS NOSE AND COLLAPSES ON THE COUCH
DAPHNE
Beckham!!!!!! Oh my God we've done it.
NILES
OK I definitely have concussion, maybe even some internal bleeding. I can see a white light. And nanna's there. She wants to know if you still wear that teddy sweater she knitted you. The lights getting brighter, don't let me walk towards it Frasier, hold me back.
DAPHNE SITS ON THE TABLE TO BE CLOSER TO THE TELEVISION SCREEN AS ROZ JOINS HER AND FRASIER RUSHES TO NILES
FRASIER
I'll catapult you towards it if you dare bleed on my couch cushions!
NILES
Thanks for the concern. Do you want me to die more quietly? Maybe you could just kick me out into the street with the rats and the winos. I could wedge a rat up my nose to stop the flow of blood. Maybe they'll nurse me back to health or just give me the plague to make my day complete.
NILES SITS UP AND LEANS HIS HEAD BACK
FRASIER
Stop being such a drama Queen. (SHOUTS) Not on the carpet!
NILES MOVES OFF THE CARPET AND STANDS BY THE FRONT DOOR
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Or on the floor I've just had them polished.
NILES
How was I supposed to know?
FRASIER
Because you can now see your reflection in them. Did you think I had a giant mirror glued to the floor so I could look up my date's skirts? No don't look down!
NILES
So what you want me to just climb into the fireplace? Do you want to burn me as some sort of Santa impersonating witch? Christmas is a long time off you know Frasier. And besides I'm not a fat man in red carrying a sack.
FRASIER
Then you won't have any trouble fitting in there then will you? Out on the balcony. If I can't lock Eddie out there I'll have to settle for you instead. Get out. Just be thankful it's not raining.
FRASIER GUIDES NILES TOWARDS THE BALCONY DOOR AS DAPHNE AND ROZ CONTINUE TO WATCH THE TELEVISION COMPLETELY UNAWARE OF WHAT'S HAPPENING BEHIND THEM
FRASIER (CONT'D)
(TO ROZ AND DAPHNE) Oh don't either of you two move, I'll handle this. Tilt your head back. Oh my God my carpet!
NILES
What?
NILES TRIES TO FEEL FOR THE DOOR HANDLE AS FRASIER RUSHES BACK TO THE CARPETED AREA
FRASIER
Just get out there. And hang you head over the balcony. But don't bleed on the doorman, he gets upset if you even sneeze within ten feet of him.
NILES
I can't find the handle. Have you moved it?
FRASIER
Yes it's now in my sweater cubby where do you think I moved it to? The oven? You can't find it because that's the window not the door. There's a subtle difference you can walk through one of them, but you'll have to guess which.
NILES
Oh.
NILES LEANS HIS HEAD FORWARD TO LOOK FOR THE HANDLE
FRASIER
Don't lean your head forward!
NILES QUICKLY SNAPS HIS HEAD BACK
NILES
It may surprise you Frasier but I don't have eyes in my chin.
FRASIER
Then you should have spent your life working with radioactive waste instead of mental patients.
FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND PUSHES NILES OUT ONTO THE BALCONY
NILES
Don't take it out on the mentally disturbed just because I got a little blood on the carpet. Anyone would think I performed open-heart surgery on the floor.
ROZ
Who is that?
DAPHNE
David Beckham.
ROZ
Oh come to momma.
FRASIER
A little blood?!? There's enough for three transfusions here.
DAPHNE/ROZ
Ssshhh
FRASIER
I'm sorry, is our crisis disturbing your zombie-induced state?
NILES SUDDENLY FREEZES AND BEGINS TO PANIC
NILES
Wait a second. I'm bleeding? You never said. Oh my God, I'm bleeding?
FRASIER
Well done Sherlock. Stop breathing like that.
NILES LOOKS DOWN AND SEES THE BLOOD ON HIS HAND
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Oh no Niles don't look down. Look away. Avert your eyes.
NILES SUDDENLY FAINTS AND COLLAPSES ON THE FLOOR
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Perfect.
DAPHNE GETS UP AND SWITCHES OFF THE TELEVISION
DAPHNE
Well that's made my week, we're going to the World Cup.
EDDIE COMES RUNNING IN FROM MARTIN'S ROOM, SEES THE BALCONY DOOR OPEN, SNIFFS NILES ALL OVER BEFORE JUMPING ON HIM AND SITTING DOWN ON HIS CHEST
FRASIER
If you're quite finished would you mind dealing with Niles.
DAPHNE
Why what's wrong with him? (NOTICING) Oh no.
DAPHNE RUSHES TO NILES
ROZ
Never mind Niles, Eddie seems to have sat in something.
AS DAPHNE SHOE'S EDDIE AWAY WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
FADE IN:
INT. DAPHNE'S BEDROOM — MORNING — DAY/1
(Daphne, Niles)
NILES IS LYING FLAT ON DAPHNE'S BED WITH AN ICE PACK ON HIS NOSE AND STILL WITH A TINY BIT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHIRT. DAPHNE SITS ON THE EDGE OF THE BED HOLDING THE ICE PACK
DAPHNE
How are you feeling? You look like you've had your nose trapped in a cat flap.
NILES
A little sore. When I breathe I seem to be making some sort of high pitched whistling noise. I guess that means all the neighbourhood dogs will start barking at me.
DAPHNE
I'm sorry I hit you, I just got a little over excited.
NILES
It was an accident. I'm fine.
DAPHNE
Well that brings memories back of growing up in Manchester. An England shirt covered in blood.
NILES
Blood?
NILES LOOKS AT HIS SHIRT BEFORE PASSING OUT AGAIN
DAPHNE
Oh no, don't...
AS DAPHNE SIGHS WE:
FADE OUT
(C)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — MORNING — DAY/1
(Roz, Frasier, Daphne, Niles, Martin, Cassandra)
FRASIER, NOW FULLY DRESSED, STANDS STIRRING A SAUCEPAN ON THE STOVE AS ROZ STANDS CLOSE WATCHING. THE KITCHEN SURFACES ARE ALL COVERED WITH VARIOUS UTENSILS AND INGREDIENTS
ROZ
So what are you cooking?
FRASIER
Former producers that invaded my house and wouldn't leave me alone. Would you like to try some?
ROZ
Is that your direct way of telling me to go away?
FRASIER
You want me to be direct about it?
ROZ
Can I at least help?
FRASIER
Do you know anything about caramelising?
ROZ
Does it have anything to do with camels?
FRASIER
No
ROZ
Then no.
FRASIER
Why what do you know about camels?
ROZ
Nothing.
FRASIER
Then why are we talking about it?
ROZ
I don't know you brought it up. Why are you cooking such a lavish meal at ten o'clock in the morning anyway?
FRASIER
I'm just trying to perfect my technique.
ROZ
I've heard that phrase a few times but never in reference to food.
FRASIER
Why does everything you say have to do with sex?
ROZ
Because I have a sex life. You don't even have a...well a life.
FRASIER
How can you say that?
ROZ
It's Saturday, you have no plans and you're up early cooking a fancy pants dinner for no one. Wow! That's going to be up there for the social life of the year award. It's between you and a depressed, hermit lumberjack who collects squirrel tails.
FRASIER
Thank you so much Roz for brightening my day that much more.
ROZ
You're welcome.
RESET TO:
INT. DAPHNE'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS
NILES, NOW DRESSED IN A DIFFERENT SHIRT, OPENS HIS EYES AS DAPHNE STILL SITS NEXT TO HIM
DAPHNE
Are you OK?
NILES
Am I dead?
DAPHNE
Well your brother tried but I talked him into letting you just buy him a new carpet instead. Oh and you bled on his piano as well.
NILES
You're kidding? Do you have any idea how much that's going to cost me?
DAPHNE
As opposed to how much an x-ray and a neck brace costs?
NILES
This is Frasier we're talking about.
DAPHNE
I suppose your right, at the very most you would have had to have gone to the emergency room to have a bottle cork pulled out of your ear or for scratch marks on your cheek.
NILES
Why do I smell of dog?
DAPHNE
I'd answer that question but it won't make you feel any better.
NILES
Why?
DAPHNE
He got a little friendly with you.
NILES
Oh my God.
DAPHNE
I'm sure Eddie would have said the same earlier if only he could speak.
NILES
That's not helping.
DAPHNE
I've got an idea.
NILES
What's that?
DAPHNE
Something that may make you feel better.
NILES
(SMILING) You don't mean...?
DAPHNE
Oh but I do. Shall we play that little game of ours?
NILES
But it's daytime.
DAPHNE
It doesn't have to be nocturnal. What you've never done it during the day?
NILES
Can't say I have.
DAPHNE
Well there's a first time for everything. I've bought a brand new silk blindfold.
NILES
Well that does sound...but everyone's outside.
DAPHNE
Oh they won't mind. Your brother will probably want to join us.
NILES
Excuse me?
DAPHNE
You know how much he enjoys it.
NILES
There are certain things I really don't want to know about my brother and that's one of them. But I never have been able to say no.
DAPHNE LEANS RIGHT ACROSS NILES AND PUTS HER ARM DOWN THE SIDE OF THE BED AND PRODUCES TWO BOTTLES OF WINE AND A BLINDFOLD
DAPHNE
Great. OK I have two bottles here, let's see how good those taste buds of yours really are.
NILES
(FAKE ENTHUSIASM) Oh wine. Oh great.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM SNEAKING AROUND THE CORNER BY THE FIRE PLACE, CHECKING TO SEE IF THE COAST IS CLEAR. WHEN HE SEES THAT NO ONE IS IN THE ROOM HE WAVES BEHIND HIM AND CASSANDRA, A WOMAN OF AROUND THE SAME AGE FOLLOWS HIM
FRASIER
(OFF STAGE) Roz put the spoon down.
ROZ
(OFF STAGE) I'll tell you where I'll put it in a moment. And you'd better beware because it's boiling hot.
MARTIN AND CASSANDRA RUN TO THE FRONT DOOR
MARTIN
I'll call you tomorrow.
FRASIER
(OFF STAGE) If you help me cook it, you'll know my secret.
MARTIN HEARS FRASIER COMING AND WITHOUT THINKING PUSHES CASSANDRA BACK TOWARDS HIS ROOM BEFORE LEANING UP THE FIRE PLACE NEXT TO THE DOOR. ENTER FRASIER AND ROZ
ROZ
What that you're secretly a woman?
FRASIER
Dad what are you doing?
MARTIN
Just leaning up the fireplace. You never know if it might fall over suddenly and kill us all. You have to be prepared for these things.
FRASIER
And there's a happy thought to start the day with.
ROZ
Now I'm in the mood for a telethon.
MARTIN
So how about you two kids go to the movies? My treat.
FRASIER
Well gee Dad can I borrow the car as well? Are you trying to get rid of us for some reason?
MARTIN
No why would you think that?
FRASIER STARTS TO WALK PAST MARTIN AND TOWARDS HIS ROOM
MARTIN (CONT'D)
(PANICS) What are you going down there for?
FRASIER
There's a nickel on the floor.
FRASIER PICKS IT UP AND PUTS IT ON THE ISLAND
ROZ
What is wrong with you?
MARTIN
Nothing, I've just had too much coffee, Eddie wouldn't drink all of his. It's made me a bit jumpy. I don't think the dog drool helped much either.
FRASIER
Dad are you wearing lipstick?
MARTIN
Maybe.
ROZ
Why?
MARTIN
Haven't you ever wanted to experiment? It was either lipstick or a skinhead and a leather jacket. I think I made the right decision.
MARTIN EXITS TO HIS ROOM AS FRASIER AND ROZ JUST STARE AFTER HIM IN SILENCE. NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER FROM HER ROOM
NILES
Hey, what's going on?
FRASIER
Oh nothing, I'm cooking, Roz is telling me about her fleet of men, Dad's turning into a transvestite, nothing new.
NILES
Ooh you're cooking.
NILES EXITS QUICKLY INTO THE KITCHEN
FRASIER
Get away from it! My cooking. My secret recipe.
FRASIER EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN
NILES
(OFF STAGE) Just let me taste it.
DAPHNE
It's times like this when you discover what the most important things in life are.
DAPHNE AND ROZ BOTH SIT DOWN ON THE COUCH
ROZ
So how's life treating you?
DAPHNE
Absolutely fantastic. England are going to the World Cup, there's a stadium full of German's all depressed and I'm getting married! Did you see the size of the ring he bought me?
ROZ
Daphne I don't need to see it, I felt it. Oh my God I felt it.
DAPHNE
With all due respect Roz, I really don't want to know. I have to keep it on my finger and it'll be a lot easier without the vivid imagery.
ROZ
I can only just sit down. I had to sit on an inflatable cushion all last week in Nervosa on those wooden chairs. Everybody thought I had piles. You should have seen the looks I was getting.
DAPHNE JUST STARES AT HER
ROZ (CONT'D)
Yeah a little like that.
DAPHNE
I really don't need to know.
ROZ
Why does everyone keep saying that?
DAPHNE
If only there was some clear reason.
MARTIN STICKS HIS HEAD AROUND THE CORNER
MARTIN
Hey Daphne.
DAPHNE
Mr. Crane what are you doing?
MARTIN
I need your help.
DAPHNE
I should say so. That shade of lip-gloss does nothing for you. A darker shade would suit your complexion better.
MARTIN
No not that, it's more private.
DAPHNE
Oh all right I'll lower you in the bath. But lets keep the underwear on this time, just in case I slip again.
MARTIN
No, no, no.
ROZ
Thank God.
MARTIN
I need you to distract the boys.
DAPHNE
Why?
CASSANDRA APPEARS BEHIND MARTIN AND SMILES EMBARRASSINGLY
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Oh I see. Hello.
CASSANDRA
Hello. This is all so embarrassing.
ROZ
Only if the boys find your bra stuffed down the side of the couch.
FRASIER
(OFF STAGE) Roz did you move my oregano?
MARTIN
Distract them.
NILES ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN
DAPHNE
Niles I've missed you.
DAPHNE GRABS HIM AND KISSES HIM TURNING HIM AWAY FROM MARTIN
ROZ
Oh great what do I do?
MARTIN
The same.
ROZ
Pretend for a second that we live in the real world.
MARTIN
Please Roz. Quick before he gets out here.
ROZ
Frasier I think I dropped my earring in your fancy sauce.
FRASIER STARTS TO COUGH VIOLENTLY
ROZ (CONT'D)
I said in your sauce not down your throat.
ROZ EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN WHILE DAPHNE BREAKS THE KISS BUT KEEPS HUGGING NILES SO HE CAN'T MOVE AND STARTS WAVING AT MARTIN AND CASSANDRA TO GET THEM TO MOVE
MARTIN
OK now.
MARTIN AND CASSANDRA GET AS FAR AS THE BATHROOM BEFORE THEY HEAR FRASIER COMING BACK INTO THE ROOM. WITHOUT THINKING MARTIN PUSHES CASSANDRA INTO THE BATHROOM AND SHUTS THE DOOR. FRASIER AND ROZ ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN
FRASIER
I can't see it. Roz I can't believe you. All that work is ruined. Wait you still have two earrings in.
ROZ
I meant my nose ring.
NILES
You don't wear a nose ring.
ROZ
Don't I? Then I guess I didn't loose it in your sauce after all.
FRASIER
Then maybe I can still save it.
ROZ
So when exactly did you invent this magic sauce magnet Frasier, to get it back out of the sink drain?
FRASIER RUNS INTO THE KITCHEN
FRASIER
(OFF STAGE) Come back.
NILES
Oh let it go.
FRASIER RE-ENTERS AND COLLAPSES ON THE COUCH
MARTIN
Aren't you people going to go out at all today. Fresh air is good for you.
FRASIER
I would have done but I'm too depressed now. I'd reached the highest peak in sauce creation and now it's gone.
MARTIN
Well make some more.
FRASIER
I would but now I'm spent. (SWITCHING ON THE TV) Ooh look Niles a documentary on quilt making.
NILES SITS DOWN NEXT TO FRASIER
NILES
I've never seen this one.
ROZ
Did you ever insist on a chromosome check at the hospital? You know just to be safe?
AS MARTIN SIGHS AND PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO(D)
TITLE CARD: 'DOG DAY AFTERNOON'
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/1
(Frasier, Niles, Roz, Daphne, Martin, Cassandra, Eddie)
FRASIER, ROZ AND DAPHNE ALL SIT ON THE COUCH STILL WATCHING THE TELEVISION AS NILES SITS ON THE FLOOR BY DAPHNE'S FEET AND MARTIN STANDS GUARD BY THE BATHROOM DOOR. ROZ, DAPHNE AND MARTIN ALL LOOK EXTREMELY BORED
FRASIER
Look at that stitching.
NILES
It's exquisite.
FRASIER
It makes me envious that I'm not so gifted.
NILES
Yes it almost makes one wish to live in a mud and bamboo hut and get paid a dime for each mile of quilt sown. After a day like that it makes eating that single grain of rice for dinner and the whipping for not working fast enough all the more satisfying.
ROZ
I never knew it was possible to be this bored. Sitting through Frasier's show is more entertaining.
DAPHNE
I wasn't aware I was still alive until you spoke.
MARTIN
I thought I'd had a stroke.
FRASIER
Dad will you sit down. Stop hovering.
MARTIN
I'm just stretching my legs.
NILES
Look at that one it...
EDDIE ENTERS AND JUMPS UP NILES WITH A SQUEAKY CHEW TOY IN HIS MOUTH
NILES (CONT'D)
Oh my God Eddie, get off me. Haven't we been close enough for one day? What does he want from me?
ROZ
He's a dog, so let's guess. I know a lobotomy.
MARTIN
He wants you to play with him.
NILES
Play what?
DAPHNE
Poker probably.
MARTIN
Throw him his ball.
NILES
Oh I see.
NILES GOES TO TAKE THE TOY OUT OF EDDIE'S MOUTH BUT STOPS BEFORE HE TOUCHES IT, TAKES OUT A HANDKERCHIEF FROM HIS POCKET AND PICKS IT UP WITH THAT INSTEAD
MARTIN
Oh jeez.
NILES THROWS THE TOY BUT IT DOESN'T GO MUCH FURTHER THEN THE END OF THE COFFEE TABLE. EDDIE RUNS AFTER IT, PICKS IT UP AND BRINGS IT BACK TO NILES
FRASIER
This game is certain to make you work up a sweat. Be careful you don't pull a muscle Niles.
MARTIN
You've got to throw it further then that. Mrs. Johnson's arthritic cat Crackles would be able to get that.
NILES SIGHS BEFORE TAKING THE TOY OFF EDDIE THE SAME WAY AS HE DID BEFORE WITH HIS HANDKERCHIEF, ONCE AGAIN CAUSING EVERYONE TO ROLL THEIR EYES. HE PULLS HIS ARM BACK AND PREPARES TO THROW THE TOY FAR AND HARD. FOR ONCE IN HIS LIFE, NILES FINALLY THROWS WITH AN ELEMENT OF POWER, BUT UNFORTUNATELY HIS ACCURACY IS STILL ALLUDING HIM. HE THROWS THE BALL, IT HITS THE TABLE, FLIES BACK AND HITS HIM IN THE FACE.
FRASIER
Oh perfect. Like my carpet wasn't ruined enough without you constantly bleeding all over it!
NILES TILTS HIS HEAD BACK AS DAPHNE HELPS HIM UP OFF THE FLOOR
DAPHNE
Come on I'll soon get you sorted out.
NILES
You keep morphine in the apartment?
DAPHNE
No but it might not be a bad idea if not for you, then definitely for me.
FRASIER
Don't you bleed anywhere near my duck.
NILES
Would you even notice if I did? It's so undercooked some strong smelling salts and a quick sharp shock could still save it.
DAPHNE SITS NILES DOWN AT THE TABLE WITH HIS HANDKERCHIEF PRESSED AGAINST HIS NOSE AS SHE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN
MARTIN
I should have known a simple game of fetch would have been too strenuous for you. Next time we'll stick to eye spy and Clue.
NILES
That's very funny, I'm fine by the way.
DAPHNE ENTERS WITH AN ICE PACK AND PUTS IT ON NILES' NOSE
DAPHNE
Come here, let me slap this on your conk.
ROZ
Shouldn't you save that for a more private occasion?
SFX: KNOCKING COMING FROM THE BATHROOM
FRASIER
What was that?
MARTIN
Just Eddie's toy.
NILES
It knocks now.
ROZ
Well it did nearly knock you out. Then again a fly with a powerful wing velocity could do the same. I've often thought a violent sneeze would give you a brain haemorrhage.
MARTIN
Yeah they're all the rage these new toys. They're called (SHOUTS) 'I'll be right with you Cassandra.' Have you never heard of them? Daphne, Roz can I see you in the kitchen for a moment?
MARTIN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN
FRASIER
Don't touch my cooking utensils.
ROZ
Don't worry, no one will probably touch your utensils ever again. They're all rusty from lack of use.
FRASIER
You'll have to expand Roz, once again you're being just too damn subtle.
DAPHNE AND ROZ EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS
MARTIN PACES BACK AND FORTH STARING AT THE BATHROOM DOOR AS DAPHNE AND ROZ ENTER
DAPHNE
You can't leave that poor women in the toilet all day. She'll come out smelling like she's using bleach as perfume.
ROZ
It won't improve your chances of getting another date either.
DAPHNE
Not to mention I haven't changed the hand towels in there today. Dr. Crane will freak out if he finds we've had company in there with crusty hand towels. He'll never let me forget the time the wine club came around and he had a soggy bath mat.
MARTIN
Yeah because that's the most important thing. Distract them.
ROZ
And how do you suggest we do that?
MARTIN
I don't know. Scratch his frying pan, bend his whisk. I don't care.
ROZ
You said distract him not kill him. I'm not in the mood to see a grown man weep over a frying pan. He's my boss I should at least try to hang on to the tiny amount of respect that I have for him left.
DAPHNE
But what do I do with Niles?
MARTIN
You're his fiancée.
ROZ
Yeah go and sleep with him that'll distract him.
DAPHNE
That's your answer for everything.
MARTIN
Tell him you're pregnant.
DAPHNE
If it's all the same with you, I'll call that plan B. What's the big deal anyway? It's not like you've never had anyone stop over before. You've had more women here then Dr. Crane.
ROZ
Well that's not hard. Eddie has more of a sex life then Frasier does and he's been neutered. It won't be long before Frasier starts romancing his towel warmer like Eddie does.
DAPHNE
What is the problem? She seems really nice.
MARTIN
It's just a little awkward.
ROZ
It's not like she's a man.
DAPHNE
She's not is she?
MARTIN
No. She's Hester.
ROZ
What do you mean?
DAPHNE
Like reincarnated?
MARTIN
No. In every way, in everything that she does and says she just reminds me of Hester. Every mannerism, every word reminds me of her. If you'd only spent even a second with Hester, you'd still be able to see the resemblance. Even Frank noticed and he spent a week with a marble up his nose without noticing so the boys will spot it in a second.
DAPHNE
Well we all did stupid things like that as a kid. Simon nailed his foot to the floor.
MARTIN
This was last month.
DAPHNE
So was this.
MARTIN
That's why his bowling game has suffered recently. He had too much extra weight on his face, which was putting off his balance. I'm just afraid that it'll upset them. Like I'm trying to replace her. You saw how they reacted with Mia.
ROZ
They're psychiatrists.
MARTIN
Exactly, they'll over analyse everything to death and make a big deal out of it. Just help me here please; I'll share my pension money.
ROZ
Oh fine.
MARTIN LOOKS THROUGH THE DOOR TOWARDS THE LIVING ROOM
MARTIN
(PANICKING) Frasier's going into the bathroom.
ROZ STARTS TO SCREAM AND DAPHNE QUICKLY CATCHES ON AND DOES THE SAME. EDDIE THEN RUSHES IN AND JOINS IN AND STARTS BARKING WITH THEM
FRASIER
(OFF STAGE) What is going on? My frying pan!
FRASIER ENTERS AS MARTIN EXITS AND NILES CAN BE SEEN PEERING AROUND THE DOOR WITH HIS BACK TO THE LIVING ROOM
FRASIER (CONT'D)
What happened?
ROZ AND DAPHNE STOP SCREAMING AND THEN LOOK TO EACH OTHER FOR AN EXPLANATION
ROZ
It's just this fork.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
MARTIN OPENS THE BATHROOM DOOR AND CASSANDRA ENTERS. JUST AS SHE IS ABOUT TO EXIT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR SHE SUDDENLY STOPS
CASSANDRA
Oh no my purse!
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER
What about it? You obviously haven't impaled yourself with it, which is what it sounded like.
ROZ
It scared me. I thought I saw it wink at me.
FRASIER
Then what were you screaming about.
DAPHNE
Just in general for something to do.
FRASIER
Well as long as it's for a good reason. I'd hate to have a heart attack for no apparent reason.
NILES
I'm here as backup Frasier if you need me. I'm wearing my death glare and I could snap at any moment. Actually my death glare is making me frown somewhat, which is giving me a headache, but I'm still dangerous. What's going on?
ROZ
Some backup you are. A newborn kitten would be more dangerous.
NILES
There's no point in both of us getting killed. We need someone left to tell the story on chat shows and arrange the appropriate hors d'oeuvre at the wake.
FRASIER
I thought you were being murdered in here.
ROZ
And who would come in here and murder us. What would they have done it with, no one is allowed to touch your utensils? And cases of oregano poisoning have been decreasing over the last few years.
FRASIER
I don't know maybe they could have pushed the fridge over.
DAPHNE
How would they have even got in here? There's no window.
FRASIER
Through the garbage disposal, made a hole in the base of one of the cupboards from down stairs, hidden away in a bag of oranges how should I know?
DAPHNE
Sounds like a bit of a fishy idea to me.
FRASIER
Well then maybe he could...wait why am I defending myself? You were the ones screaming for no reason.
ROZ
And you had to make such a big deal out of it.
FRASIER
Has everyone gone insane?
FRASIER GOES TO EXIT BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM
MARTIN
(OFF STAGE) No don't come in here!
NILES
Apparently so.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
MARTIN STANDS BEHIND THE CONSOLE BEHIND THE COUCH LOOKING VERY GUILTY AND NERVOUS AS FRASIER, NILES, DAPHNE AND ROZ ENTER
FRASIER
What is happening?
FRASIER AND NILES WALK TO THE BAR AS FRASIER SHOWS HIM A BOTTLE
MARTIN
Nothing. (SOTTO TO ROZ AND DAPHNE) How do I get them back in the kitchen?
DAPHNE
How should I know?
ROZ
You were a cop surely you can think of something.
DAPHNE
Wait where is she?
CASSANDRA LIFTS HER HEAD UP FROM BEHIND THE CONSOLE
CASSANDRA
Hi.
DAPHNE
Nice to see you again.
CASSANDRA HIDES AGAIN AS MARTIN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN
FRASIER
What shall we do with ourselves for the rest of the day? We can't just sit around, all day long.
ROZ
Why not you were going to.
NILES
Isn't there a game we could play?
FRASIER STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS THE CUPBOARD BY THE DOOR AS CASSANDRA STRUGGLES TO GET OUT OF VIEW AND DAPHNE TRIES TO HIDE HER BY STANDING IN FRONT OF HER
DAPHNE
Where are you going?
FRASIER
I have some games in the cupboard.
DAPHNE
No you don't.
FRASIER
Yes I do.
DAPHNE
No you don't.
FRASIER
Yes I do.
DAPHNE
No you don't.
FRASIER
I have I'll show you.
AS FRASIER MOVES CLOSER TO IT AND WILL WITHOUT A DOUBT BE ABLE TO SEE CASSANDRA, ROZ JUMPS UP AND STARTS TO SING AND DANCE, STAMPING HER FEET ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM, GRABBING EVERYONE'S ATTENTION
NILES
Roz what are you doing?
ROZ
Just doing a little dancing.
NILES
For any particular reason?
ROZ
I just felt like it. You know sometimes I feel as though if I don't dance, I'll die.
NILES
You know where my office is don't you? Feel free to pop by, anytime and I'll try and fit you in. I can prescribe you something right away, or maybe even send you away for a little rest where they all wear white gowns and the electricity bill is quite high.
FRASIER
Something is going on here.
DAPHNE
No it's not.
FRASIER
Yes it is.
DAPHNE
No it's not.
FRASIER
Yes it...I am not starting this again. What is going on?
MARTIN
(OFF STAGE) Fire! Fire! Fire in the kitchen!
FRASIER
Oh my God.
FRASIER AND NILES RUN INTO THE KITCHEN AS MARTIN ENTERS FROM THERE AND HELPS CASSANDRA UP FROM THE FLOOR AND TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR. ONCE AGAIN THEY HEAR NILES COMING BEFORE SHE CAN LEAVE AND MARTIN ONCE AGAIN PUSHES HER INTO THE BATHROOM AND LEANS UP THE DOOR. ENTER NILES
NILES
I think you're confused Dad, it's a puff of smoke in the kitchen not a bush fire. What are you doing?
FRASIER
Feeling the grain of the wood on my cheek. It's so smooth and silky.
NILES
You know Dad, like Roz feel free to drop by my office and see me. Really I don't mind. I know I can't actually treat you but I'll gladly recommend someone.
NILES STANDS IN THE DOORWAY TO THE KITCHEN FACING INSIDE TOWARDS FRASIER
DAPHNE
You set fire to the kitchen?
MARTIN
Only to a box of matches. It worked didn't it?
ROZ
No! She's back in the bathroom. In the elevator, good, stuck in the bathroom or dangling over the side of the balcony, bad.
MARTIN
So what do you suggest? I try and flood the place?
DAPHNE
Set fire to something else.
MARTIN
That's called arson. I used to lock people up for that.
ROZ
It didn't stop you before.
MARTIN
But that was a box of matches, you're supposed to set fire to them. You're not supposed to glue them in your ears and run around flapping your arms. Oh OK, then why don't I just walk in the kitchen and set fire to Frasier that would work.
CASSANDRA OPENS THE DOOR AND STICKS HER HEAD OUT
CASSANDRA
I wouldn't mind.
EDDIE, SPOTTING HER, STARTS TO BARK AT HER
MARTIN
Eddie be quiet.
FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AS MARTIN SHUTS THE DOOR ON CASSANDRA AND NILES TURNS AROUND TO FACE THE ROOM
FRASIER
Did I just hear a woman's voice?
ROZ
No that was me.
FRASIER
It sounded like an older women.
NILES
It could have been Roz then.
NILES STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS THE BATHROOM DOOR BUT DAPHNE STANDS IN FRONT OF HIM AND STOPS HIM
DAPHNE
Where are you going?
NILES
To use the bathroom.
DAPHNE
Then use mine.
NILES
Why?
DAPHNE
Because I love the thought of you in there. It's sexy. It's almost like you're scent marking it, letting everyone know that I'm yours and only yours.
FRASIER
Have you all been drinking this morning without me?
MARTIN
(DESPERATE) Frasier I think I saw a cockroach in the kitchen earlier.
FRASIER
And you only think to tell me about it now? Why not wait until next week when the thing can breed and over run the apartment.
NILES
A cockroach? Get on the couch Daphne, Roz go and get it.
MARTIN
(SHOUTS) This is your chance to go and get it. Come on I'll show you.
FRASIER EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN FOLLOWED BY DAPHNE, ROZ AND MARTIN. WHEN THEY ARE OUT OF THE ROOM NILES STARES AFTER THEM BEFORE OPENING THE BATHROOM AND BEING FACE TO FACE WITH CASSANDRA
NILES
Oh hello.
CASSANDRA
Hello. I guess you're wondering what I'm doing in the bathroom?
NILES
I am mildly curious. I take it you didn't crawl out of the bowl, you're much too dry for starters.
MARTIN
(OFF STAGE) There it is! Get it!
LOUD THUDS CAN BE HEARD FROM THE KITCHEN AS NILES AND CASSANDRA BOTH STARE IN THAT DIRECTION FOR A MOMENT
CASSANDRA
I'm here because...
NILES
You're just like my mother.
CASSANDRA
That's what Marty said.
FRASIER
(OFF STAGE) Oh well spotted. I've just beaten the hell out of a piece of lint.
NILES
I guess that's why he's hidden you in here.
CASSANDRA
He just thought it might upset you.
NILES
Did he?
MARTIN ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AND STANDS BACK AND WATCHES
DAPHNE
(OFF STAGE) That's my foot you clumsy sod.
CASSANDRA
I guess I should be going.
NILES SITS ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH WHICH PUSHES ONE OF THE COUCH CUSHIONS DOWN SLIGHTLY
NILES
Yeah. Good bye.
CASSANDRA
Good bye.
AS CASSANDRA GOES TO EXIT NILES STANDS AND TRIES TO STRAIGHTEN THE COUCH CUSHION AGAIN. HE SUDDENLY FROWNS, PUTS HIS HAND DOWN THE BACK OF THE CUSHION AND PULLS OUT A BRA
NILES
Is there any chance this isn't yours?
CASSANDRA
I wish I could say yes.
NILES HANDS HER THE BRA BEFORE CASSANDRA EXITS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR
MARTIN
Niles?
NILES
You didn't need to hide her. We are old enough to handle it.
FRASIER
(OFF STAGE) Get it off me! Get it off me! Help me!
ROZ
(OFF STAGE) It's a grape.
MARTIN
I was only trying to protect you. I know how much you loved her, how much you still love her.
NILES
But we also want you to be happy.
MARTIN
I know.
NILES
So are you going to see her again?
MARTIN
It's hard on me as well. I feel like I'm trying to replace her.
NILES
All this time later and you're still feeling guilty?
MARTIN
God forbid the same thing to happen to you Niles, but if it did you'd know how I feel.
NILES
I'm here for you.
MARTIN
I know. Best not to tell Frasier about this. There's no need to go upsetting him as well.
NILES
Agreed.
DAPHNE AND ROZ ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN AS MARTIN AND NILES SIT DOWN
ROZ
That'll keep him busy for a while.
NILES
Is there a cockroach?
DAPHNE
No, but let's savour the peace and quiet while he hunts for it.
DAPHNE AND ROZ ALSO SIT DOWN ON THE COUCH BEFORE EDDIE STARTS TO BARK AND WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWOCLOSING CREDITS: NILES, DAPHNE, MARTIN AND ROZ
ALL SIT IN THE LIVING ROOM RELAXING AND WATCHING THE TELEVISION AS FRASIER SITS
SCRUNCHED UP IN THE CORNER OF THE KITCHEN WITH A NEWSPAPER IN HIS HAND WAITING
FOR THE COCKROACH TO APPEAR.
