I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.

I'm offering no prize this week because I'm feeling too sorry for myself to think of one, I have a toothache so bad it could easily kill a genetically engineered rhino. So please cheer me up and send feedback to Kelly_simba@hotmail.com


Frasier
Alternative Season Nine Episode Two
Saturday With Frasier

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

TITLE CARD: 'NARCOLEPTIC'S SWITCH OFF NOW'

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/1
(Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Roz, Martin, Eddie)

NILES AND DAPHNE SIT ON THE COUCH WATCHING THE TELEVISION. DAPHNE IS WIDE-AWAKE, GLUED TO THE SCREEN BECOMING EXTREMELY EXCITED; NILES ON THE OTHER HAND STILL LOOKS HALF ASLEEP WEARING AN ENGLAND SHIRT. ENTER FRASIER FROM HIS ROOM, WEARING HIS ROBE AND YAWNING

FRASIER

What are you two doing up so early? You've not switched to the Manchester time zone again have you? I don't want to have to start my day by digesting Shepherd's pie for breakfast again instead of my bran muffin. It makes me feel so bloated and the last thing my listeners want to hear is the sound of my belching bouncing across the airwaves.

NILES

Daphne wanted to...

DAPHNE

Ssshhhh

NILES

Watch the...

DAPHNE

Ssshhhh

NILES

England game.

DAPHNE

Ssshhhh

FRASIER

I forgot that on Saturday mornings we're only allowed to speak in semaphore. What is the correct sign for 'get out of my house it's early'? Or is that being too subtle?

NILES

I think you're getting confused with the Play Boy mansion. Here we have to use smoke signals and telepathy. Right now I'm sensing Daphne wants me to be quiet or she'll strangle me.

FRASIER

And not necessarily around your neck. Would you like a coffee?

NILES

Oh please.

NILES GETS UP OFF THE COUCH BEING CAREFUL TO WALK BEHIND IT SO AS NOT TO DISRUPT DAPHNE'S VIEWING AND THEN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN FOLLOWING FRASIER

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

AS FRASIER PUTS THE COFFEE ON NILES STARTS TO RUB HIS EYES

NILES (CONT'D)

I think I need an expresso enema this morning to perk myself up. I'd barely nodded off when Daphne kicked me out of bed this morning to make me sit in front of the television and watch sweaty men kick a ball around. Remind me to melt her alarm clock later.

FRASIER

Niles I can't help but notice, you're wearing a t-shirt. Were you aware of it?

NILES

Yes I know and it's not just a t-shirt. It's an England soccer t-shirt.

FRASIER

May I ask why you're wearing it?

NILES

That would be because of the beautiful...

DAPHNE

(OFF STAGE) Come on Fowler shift your bleedin' arse into gear you lazy sod!

NILES

Soccer hooligan sitting on the couch.

FRASIER

She's awfully angry and also sitting next to rather expensive one of a kind antiques. Forget the coffee I think I'll need some brandy and a bottle of sedatives.

NILES

I removed everything of value before it started.

FRASIER

Bless you. Well just remember I'm here for you if you decide to pin her down and sedate her if she gets out of control.

NILES

Frasier if that trick doesn't work on one of your dates, it's not going to work on Daphne.

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER

So you won't be wanting that bone marrow then. I'll just keep it all to myself.

FRASIER AND NILES EXIT OUT OF THE KITCHEN, FRASIER CARRYING A COFFEE TRAY

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE REMAINS AS BEFORE AS NILES SITS BACK DOWN NEXT TO HER AND FRASIER PLACES A COFFEE TRAY ON THE TABLE BEFORE HE CROSSES TO ANSWER THE DOOR

NILES

How are they doing?

DAPHNE

Ssshhhh

NILES

We need to try to extend your vocabulary slightly.

DAPHNE

Quiet

NILES

Look it's improving already that was a two-syllable word.

FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS

FRASIER

Good morning Roz and what are you doing here so early on a Saturday morning? Or haven't you been to bed yet? No wait, you've forgotten where you parked your car and you need my help to find it. Have you at least remembered your keys this time?

NILES

My guess would be then you've left it at the docks, or in some seedy back alley.

ROZ

No funny man. One of the others mothers from Alice's pre school class had her last night so I decided to have a lie in for a change.

FRASIER

Then why aren't you lying in?

NILES

Dating a snorer?

FRASIER

A screamer?

NILES

A...

DAPHNE

Ssshhhh

NILES

Honey don't take this the wrong way but you're not that good at playing Roz's guessing game.

ROZ

I'm bored. I'm not used to sleeping in. And Alice isn't going to be back until this evening, so I thought I'd come here. I'm a glutton for punishment, I know.

FRASIER

So you intend to stay here all day?

ROZ

Well yeah.

ROZ SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH NEXT TO DAPHNE

FRASIER

But I actually have plans for today Roz. Maybe Niles and Daphne could entertain you. He's going to tie a bottle of Valium on a piece of string and lure her away from the television set in a moment.

NILES

Actually we were just going to stay here.

FRASIER

All day?

NILES

Yes

FRASIER

And do what?

DAPHNE

Nothing

FRASIER

How wonderful I've just developed three new Dads'. Like one wasn't enough to contend with. Does this mean I'm getting my Christmas wish early and having three more Eddie's to stare at me as well? Bare in mind I won't hesitate in throwing any of them down the garbage shoot. I'd fetch you all a beer and some pork rinds but I don't want you fighting over his chair while my back is turned.

ROZ

So what exactly are you doing today Frasier? Spending quality time with yourself? Trying to bore yourself to death.

FRASIER

That's very humorous. Well I'm not planning on doing anything exactly.

ROZ

And you complain that we have no plans, which by the way I did. My plans were to come here. It's biting me in the ass already. I should have just gone out and run over some puppies.

FRASIER

So we're all going to sit around, all day, doing nothing?

ROZ

That's about it.

FRASIER

Well isn't this going to be entertaining?

MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM IN HIS ROBE BUT SUDDENLY STOPS BY THE FIRE PLACE WHEN HE SEES THAT EVERYONE ELSE IS THERE

MARTIN

Oh...I didn't realise anyone was up. So are you all going out? It's a beautiful day. The big city's calling you. There's a protest rally down on 5th, why don't you go down there and see if you can all get arrested. Make the old man proud.

FRASIER

As appealing as being stripped searched by a large woman called Ruth wearing Loafers and a rubber glove is, apparently we're doing nothing today except sitting around waiting for death to knock on our door and put us out of this misery.

MARTIN

Oh well...as long as you're sure. I'm going back to my room. I'm not decent and there are ladies present.

NILES

Since when has that stopped you? You went downstairs to speak to the doorman the other day in your bunny covered underwear.

MARTIN

I had more on then that.

NILES

A sock puppet with eyes made from beer bottle tops, smoking a pipe doesn't count.

ROZ

That all depends on where he was wearing it.

MARTIN

What's the big deal no one saw me.

FRASIER

You took the elevator.

MARTIN

The service elevator.

FRASIER

Everyone had to take the service elevator that day, they were repairing the other one. Someone got a banana wedged in the control panel. You'd have been seen by fewer people at the top of the Space Needle.

MARTIN

What's the big deal, just tell everyone I'm crazy.

FRASIER

I would but that excuse is wearing a bit thin now.

DAPHNE

Only because we have to keep using it for you.

MARTIN

I'll just grab a cup of coffee.

MARTIN WALKS TO THE TABLE AND POURS TWO CUPS OUT AND HEADS BACK TO HIS ROOM WITH EVERYONE EXCEPT DAPHNE WATCHING HIM

ROZ

I know my math skill isn't what it should be but that's two cups. Unless I'm seeing double again.

MARTIN

That's right, one for me...one for...Eddie.

FRASIER

Eddie?

MARTIN

That's right.

NILES

Since when has Eddie started drinking coffee?

MARTIN

Just for a couple of months, right before his eye started twitching out of control.

FRASIER

OK then

MARTIN EXITS BACK TO HIS ROOM AS FRASIER POURS ROZ A COFFEE

ROZ

So Daphne...

DAPHNE

Ssshhh

NILES

Daphne honey, the...(TO ROZ) how long do these things last?

ROZ

Ninety minutes I believe.

NILES

The ninety minutes are over. I'm sorry they've lost. But I know what'll make you feel better...

NILES LEANS IN TO KISS DAPHNE AS SHE SUDDENLY SHOUTS AND JUMPS UP IN THE AIR CELEBRATING A GOAL. BECAUSE NILES WAS SO CLOSE TRYING TO KISS HER, DAPHNE ACCIDENTALLY CATCHES HIM ON THE NOSE WITH HER ELBOW. AS DAPHNE JUMPS ABOUT, NILES CLUTCHES HIS NOSE AND COLLAPSES ON THE COUCH

DAPHNE

Beckham!!!!!! Oh my God we've done it.

NILES

OK I definitely have concussion, maybe even some internal bleeding. I can see a white light. And nanna's there. She wants to know if you still wear that teddy sweater she knitted you. The lights getting brighter, don't let me walk towards it Frasier, hold me back.

DAPHNE SITS ON THE TABLE TO BE CLOSER TO THE TELEVISION SCREEN AS ROZ JOINS HER AND FRASIER RUSHES TO NILES

FRASIER

I'll catapult you towards it if you dare bleed on my couch cushions!

NILES

Thanks for the concern. Do you want me to die more quietly? Maybe you could just kick me out into the street with the rats and the winos. I could wedge a rat up my nose to stop the flow of blood. Maybe they'll nurse me back to health or just give me the plague to make my day complete.

NILES SITS UP AND LEANS HIS HEAD BACK

FRASIER

Stop being such a drama Queen. (SHOUTS) Not on the carpet!

NILES MOVES OFF THE CARPET AND STANDS BY THE FRONT DOOR

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Or on the floor I've just had them polished.

NILES

How was I supposed to know?

FRASIER

Because you can now see your reflection in them. Did you think I had a giant mirror glued to the floor so I could look up my date's skirts? No don't look down!

NILES

So what you want me to just climb into the fireplace? Do you want to burn me as some sort of Santa impersonating witch? Christmas is a long time off you know Frasier. And besides I'm not a fat man in red carrying a sack.

FRASIER

Then you won't have any trouble fitting in there then will you? Out on the balcony. If I can't lock Eddie out there I'll have to settle for you instead. Get out. Just be thankful it's not raining.

FRASIER GUIDES NILES TOWARDS THE BALCONY DOOR AS DAPHNE AND ROZ CONTINUE TO WATCH THE TELEVISION COMPLETELY UNAWARE OF WHAT'S HAPPENING BEHIND THEM

FRASIER (CONT'D)

(TO ROZ AND DAPHNE) Oh don't either of you two move, I'll handle this. Tilt your head back. Oh my God my carpet!

NILES

What?

NILES TRIES TO FEEL FOR THE DOOR HANDLE AS FRASIER RUSHES BACK TO THE CARPETED AREA

FRASIER

Just get out there. And hang you head over the balcony. But don't bleed on the doorman, he gets upset if you even sneeze within ten feet of him.

NILES

I can't find the handle. Have you moved it?

FRASIER

Yes it's now in my sweater cubby where do you think I moved it to? The oven? You can't find it because that's the window not the door. There's a subtle difference you can walk through one of them, but you'll have to guess which.

NILES

Oh.

NILES LEANS HIS HEAD FORWARD TO LOOK FOR THE HANDLE

FRASIER

Don't lean your head forward!

NILES QUICKLY SNAPS HIS HEAD BACK

NILES

It may surprise you Frasier but I don't have eyes in my chin.

FRASIER

Then you should have spent your life working with radioactive waste instead of mental patients.

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND PUSHES NILES OUT ONTO THE BALCONY

NILES

Don't take it out on the mentally disturbed just because I got a little blood on the carpet. Anyone would think I performed open-heart surgery on the floor.

ROZ

Who is that?

DAPHNE

David Beckham.

ROZ

Oh come to momma.

FRASIER

A little blood?!? There's enough for three transfusions here.

DAPHNE/ROZ

Ssshhh

FRASIER

I'm sorry, is our crisis disturbing your zombie-induced state?

NILES SUDDENLY FREEZES AND BEGINS TO PANIC

NILES

Wait a second. I'm bleeding? You never said. Oh my God, I'm bleeding?

FRASIER

Well done Sherlock. Stop breathing like that.

NILES LOOKS DOWN AND SEES THE BLOOD ON HIS HAND

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Oh no Niles don't look down. Look away. Avert your eyes.

NILES SUDDENLY FAINTS AND COLLAPSES ON THE FLOOR

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Perfect.

DAPHNE GETS UP AND SWITCHES OFF THE TELEVISION

DAPHNE

Well that's made my week, we're going to the World Cup.

EDDIE COMES RUNNING IN FROM MARTIN'S ROOM, SEES THE BALCONY DOOR OPEN, SNIFFS NILES ALL OVER BEFORE JUMPING ON HIM AND SITTING DOWN ON HIS CHEST

FRASIER

If you're quite finished would you mind dealing with Niles.

DAPHNE

Why what's wrong with him? (NOTICING) Oh no.

DAPHNE RUSHES TO NILES

ROZ

Never mind Niles, Eddie seems to have sat in something.

AS DAPHNE SHOE'S EDDIE AWAY WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

FADE IN:

INT. DAPHNE'S BEDROOM — MORNING — DAY/1
(Daphne, Niles)

NILES IS LYING FLAT ON DAPHNE'S BED WITH AN ICE PACK ON HIS NOSE AND STILL WITH A TINY BIT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHIRT. DAPHNE SITS ON THE EDGE OF THE BED HOLDING THE ICE PACK

DAPHNE

How are you feeling? You look like you've had your nose trapped in a cat flap.

NILES

A little sore. When I breathe I seem to be making some sort of high pitched whistling noise. I guess that means all the neighbourhood dogs will start barking at me.

DAPHNE

I'm sorry I hit you, I just got a little over excited.

NILES

It was an accident. I'm fine.

DAPHNE

Well that brings memories back of growing up in Manchester. An England shirt covered in blood.

NILES

Blood?

NILES LOOKS AT HIS SHIRT BEFORE PASSING OUT AGAIN

DAPHNE

Oh no, don't...

AS DAPHNE SIGHS WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — MORNING — DAY/1
(Roz, Frasier, Daphne, Niles, Martin, Cassandra)

FRASIER, NOW FULLY DRESSED, STANDS STIRRING A SAUCEPAN ON THE STOVE AS ROZ STANDS CLOSE WATCHING. THE KITCHEN SURFACES ARE ALL COVERED WITH VARIOUS UTENSILS AND INGREDIENTS

ROZ

So what are you cooking?

FRASIER

Former producers that invaded my house and wouldn't leave me alone. Would you like to try some?

ROZ

Is that your direct way of telling me to go away?

FRASIER

You want me to be direct about it?

ROZ

Can I at least help?

FRASIER

Do you know anything about caramelising?

ROZ

Does it have anything to do with camels?

FRASIER

No

ROZ

Then no.

FRASIER

Why what do you know about camels?

ROZ

Nothing.

FRASIER

Then why are we talking about it?

ROZ

I don't know you brought it up. Why are you cooking such a lavish meal at ten o'clock in the morning anyway?

FRASIER

I'm just trying to perfect my technique.

ROZ

I've heard that phrase a few times but never in reference to food.

FRASIER

Why does everything you say have to do with sex?

ROZ

Because I have a sex life. You don't even have a...well a life.

FRASIER

How can you say that?

ROZ

It's Saturday, you have no plans and you're up early cooking a fancy pants dinner for no one. Wow! That's going to be up there for the social life of the year award. It's between you and a depressed, hermit lumberjack who collects squirrel tails.

FRASIER

Thank you so much Roz for brightening my day that much more.

ROZ

You're welcome.

RESET TO:

INT. DAPHNE'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

NILES, NOW DRESSED IN A DIFFERENT SHIRT, OPENS HIS EYES AS DAPHNE STILL SITS NEXT TO HIM

DAPHNE

Are you OK?

NILES

Am I dead?

DAPHNE

Well your brother tried but I talked him into letting you just buy him a new carpet instead. Oh and you bled on his piano as well.

NILES

You're kidding? Do you have any idea how much that's going to cost me?

DAPHNE

As opposed to how much an x-ray and a neck brace costs?

NILES

This is Frasier we're talking about.

DAPHNE

I suppose your right, at the very most you would have had to have gone to the emergency room to have a bottle cork pulled out of your ear or for scratch marks on your cheek.

NILES

Why do I smell of dog?

DAPHNE

I'd answer that question but it won't make you feel any better.

NILES

Why?

DAPHNE

He got a little friendly with you.

NILES

Oh my God.

DAPHNE

I'm sure Eddie would have said the same earlier if only he could speak.

NILES

That's not helping.

DAPHNE

I've got an idea.

NILES

What's that?

DAPHNE

Something that may make you feel better.

NILES

(SMILING) You don't mean...?

DAPHNE

Oh but I do. Shall we play that little game of ours?

NILES

But it's daytime.

DAPHNE

It doesn't have to be nocturnal. What you've never done it during the day?

NILES

Can't say I have.

DAPHNE

Well there's a first time for everything. I've bought a brand new silk blindfold.

NILES

Well that does sound...but everyone's outside.

DAPHNE

Oh they won't mind. Your brother will probably want to join us.

NILES

Excuse me?

DAPHNE

You know how much he enjoys it.

NILES

There are certain things I really don't want to know about my brother and that's one of them. But I never have been able to say no.

DAPHNE LEANS RIGHT ACROSS NILES AND PUTS HER ARM DOWN THE SIDE OF THE BED AND PRODUCES TWO BOTTLES OF WINE AND A BLINDFOLD

DAPHNE

Great. OK I have two bottles here, let's see how good those taste buds of yours really are.

NILES

(FAKE ENTHUSIASM) Oh wine. Oh great.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM SNEAKING AROUND THE CORNER BY THE FIRE PLACE, CHECKING TO SEE IF THE COAST IS CLEAR. WHEN HE SEES THAT NO ONE IS IN THE ROOM HE WAVES BEHIND HIM AND CASSANDRA, A WOMAN OF AROUND THE SAME AGE FOLLOWS HIM

FRASIER

(OFF STAGE) Roz put the spoon down.

ROZ

(OFF STAGE) I'll tell you where I'll put it in a moment. And you'd better beware because it's boiling hot.

MARTIN AND CASSANDRA RUN TO THE FRONT DOOR

MARTIN

I'll call you tomorrow.

FRASIER

(OFF STAGE) If you help me cook it, you'll know my secret.

MARTIN HEARS FRASIER COMING AND WITHOUT THINKING PUSHES CASSANDRA BACK TOWARDS HIS ROOM BEFORE LEANING UP THE FIRE PLACE NEXT TO THE DOOR. ENTER FRASIER AND ROZ

ROZ

What that you're secretly a woman?

FRASIER

Dad what are you doing?

MARTIN

Just leaning up the fireplace. You never know if it might fall over suddenly and kill us all. You have to be prepared for these things.

FRASIER

And there's a happy thought to start the day with.

ROZ

Now I'm in the mood for a telethon.

MARTIN

So how about you two kids go to the movies? My treat.

FRASIER

Well gee Dad can I borrow the car as well? Are you trying to get rid of us for some reason?

MARTIN

No why would you think that?

FRASIER STARTS TO WALK PAST MARTIN AND TOWARDS HIS ROOM

MARTIN (CONT'D)

(PANICS) What are you going down there for?

FRASIER

There's a nickel on the floor.

FRASIER PICKS IT UP AND PUTS IT ON THE ISLAND

ROZ

What is wrong with you?

MARTIN

Nothing, I've just had too much coffee, Eddie wouldn't drink all of his. It's made me a bit jumpy. I don't think the dog drool helped much either.

FRASIER

Dad are you wearing lipstick?

MARTIN

Maybe.

ROZ

Why?

MARTIN

Haven't you ever wanted to experiment? It was either lipstick or a skinhead and a leather jacket. I think I made the right decision.

MARTIN EXITS TO HIS ROOM AS FRASIER AND ROZ JUST STARE AFTER HIM IN SILENCE. NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER FROM HER ROOM

NILES

Hey, what's going on?

FRASIER

Oh nothing, I'm cooking, Roz is telling me about her fleet of men, Dad's turning into a transvestite, nothing new.

NILES

Ooh you're cooking.

NILES EXITS QUICKLY INTO THE KITCHEN

FRASIER

Get away from it! My cooking. My secret recipe.

FRASIER EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

NILES

(OFF STAGE) Just let me taste it.

DAPHNE

It's times like this when you discover what the most important things in life are.

DAPHNE AND ROZ BOTH SIT DOWN ON THE COUCH

ROZ

So how's life treating you?

DAPHNE

Absolutely fantastic. England are going to the World Cup, there's a stadium full of German's all depressed and I'm getting married! Did you see the size of the ring he bought me?

ROZ

Daphne I don't need to see it, I felt it. Oh my God I felt it.

DAPHNE

With all due respect Roz, I really don't want to know. I have to keep it on my finger and it'll be a lot easier without the vivid imagery.

ROZ

I can only just sit down. I had to sit on an inflatable cushion all last week in Nervosa on those wooden chairs. Everybody thought I had piles. You should have seen the looks I was getting.

DAPHNE JUST STARES AT HER

ROZ (CONT'D)

Yeah a little like that.

DAPHNE

I really don't need to know.

ROZ

Why does everyone keep saying that?

DAPHNE

If only there was some clear reason.

MARTIN STICKS HIS HEAD AROUND THE CORNER

MARTIN

Hey Daphne.

DAPHNE

Mr. Crane what are you doing?

MARTIN

I need your help.

DAPHNE

I should say so. That shade of lip-gloss does nothing for you. A darker shade would suit your complexion better.

MARTIN

No not that, it's more private.

DAPHNE

Oh all right I'll lower you in the bath. But lets keep the underwear on this time, just in case I slip again.

MARTIN

No, no, no.

ROZ

Thank God.

MARTIN

I need you to distract the boys.

DAPHNE

Why?

CASSANDRA APPEARS BEHIND MARTIN AND SMILES EMBARRASSINGLY

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Oh I see. Hello.

CASSANDRA

Hello. This is all so embarrassing.

ROZ

Only if the boys find your bra stuffed down the side of the couch.

FRASIER

(OFF STAGE) Roz did you move my oregano?

MARTIN

Distract them.

NILES ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN

DAPHNE

Niles I've missed you.

DAPHNE GRABS HIM AND KISSES HIM TURNING HIM AWAY FROM MARTIN

ROZ

Oh great what do I do?

MARTIN

The same.

ROZ

Pretend for a second that we live in the real world.

MARTIN

Please Roz. Quick before he gets out here.

ROZ

Frasier I think I dropped my earring in your fancy sauce.

FRASIER STARTS TO COUGH VIOLENTLY

ROZ (CONT'D)

I said in your sauce not down your throat.

ROZ EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN WHILE DAPHNE BREAKS THE KISS BUT KEEPS HUGGING NILES SO HE CAN'T MOVE AND STARTS WAVING AT MARTIN AND CASSANDRA TO GET THEM TO MOVE

MARTIN

OK now.

MARTIN AND CASSANDRA GET AS FAR AS THE BATHROOM BEFORE THEY HEAR FRASIER COMING BACK INTO THE ROOM. WITHOUT THINKING MARTIN PUSHES CASSANDRA INTO THE BATHROOM AND SHUTS THE DOOR. FRASIER AND ROZ ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN

FRASIER

I can't see it. Roz I can't believe you. All that work is ruined. Wait you still have two earrings in.

ROZ

I meant my nose ring.

NILES

You don't wear a nose ring.

ROZ

Don't I? Then I guess I didn't loose it in your sauce after all.

FRASIER

Then maybe I can still save it.

ROZ

So when exactly did you invent this magic sauce magnet Frasier, to get it back out of the sink drain?

FRASIER RUNS INTO THE KITCHEN

FRASIER

(OFF STAGE) Come back.

NILES

Oh let it go.

FRASIER RE-ENTERS AND COLLAPSES ON THE COUCH

MARTIN

Aren't you people going to go out at all today. Fresh air is good for you.

FRASIER

I would have done but I'm too depressed now. I'd reached the highest peak in sauce creation and now it's gone.

MARTIN

Well make some more.

FRASIER

I would but now I'm spent. (SWITCHING ON THE TV) Ooh look Niles a documentary on quilt making.

NILES SITS DOWN NEXT TO FRASIER

NILES

I've never seen this one.

ROZ

Did you ever insist on a chromosome check at the hospital? You know just to be safe?

AS MARTIN SIGHS AND PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(D)

TITLE CARD: 'DOG DAY AFTERNOON'

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/1
(Frasier, Niles, Roz, Daphne, Martin, Cassandra, Eddie)

FRASIER, ROZ AND DAPHNE ALL SIT ON THE COUCH STILL WATCHING THE TELEVISION AS NILES SITS ON THE FLOOR BY DAPHNE'S FEET AND MARTIN STANDS GUARD BY THE BATHROOM DOOR. ROZ, DAPHNE AND MARTIN ALL LOOK EXTREMELY BORED

FRASIER

Look at that stitching.

NILES

It's exquisite.

FRASIER

It makes me envious that I'm not so gifted.

NILES

Yes it almost makes one wish to live in a mud and bamboo hut and get paid a dime for each mile of quilt sown. After a day like that it makes eating that single grain of rice for dinner and the whipping for not working fast enough all the more satisfying.

ROZ

I never knew it was possible to be this bored. Sitting through Frasier's show is more entertaining.

DAPHNE

I wasn't aware I was still alive until you spoke.

MARTIN

I thought I'd had a stroke.

FRASIER

Dad will you sit down. Stop hovering.

MARTIN

I'm just stretching my legs.

NILES

Look at that one it...

EDDIE ENTERS AND JUMPS UP NILES WITH A SQUEAKY CHEW TOY IN HIS MOUTH

NILES (CONT'D)

Oh my God Eddie, get off me. Haven't we been close enough for one day? What does he want from me?

ROZ

He's a dog, so let's guess. I know a lobotomy.

MARTIN

He wants you to play with him.

NILES

Play what?

DAPHNE

Poker probably.

MARTIN

Throw him his ball.

NILES

Oh I see.

NILES GOES TO TAKE THE TOY OUT OF EDDIE'S MOUTH BUT STOPS BEFORE HE TOUCHES IT, TAKES OUT A HANDKERCHIEF FROM HIS POCKET AND PICKS IT UP WITH THAT INSTEAD

MARTIN

Oh jeez.

NILES THROWS THE TOY BUT IT DOESN'T GO MUCH FURTHER THEN THE END OF THE COFFEE TABLE. EDDIE RUNS AFTER IT, PICKS IT UP AND BRINGS IT BACK TO NILES

FRASIER

This game is certain to make you work up a sweat. Be careful you don't pull a muscle Niles.

MARTIN

You've got to throw it further then that. Mrs. Johnson's arthritic cat Crackles would be able to get that.

NILES SIGHS BEFORE TAKING THE TOY OFF EDDIE THE SAME WAY AS HE DID BEFORE WITH HIS HANDKERCHIEF, ONCE AGAIN CAUSING EVERYONE TO ROLL THEIR EYES. HE PULLS HIS ARM BACK AND PREPARES TO THROW THE TOY FAR AND HARD. FOR ONCE IN HIS LIFE, NILES FINALLY THROWS WITH AN ELEMENT OF POWER, BUT UNFORTUNATELY HIS ACCURACY IS STILL ALLUDING HIM. HE THROWS THE BALL, IT HITS THE TABLE, FLIES BACK AND HITS HIM IN THE FACE.

FRASIER

Oh perfect. Like my carpet wasn't ruined enough without you constantly bleeding all over it!

NILES TILTS HIS HEAD BACK AS DAPHNE HELPS HIM UP OFF THE FLOOR

DAPHNE

Come on I'll soon get you sorted out.

NILES

You keep morphine in the apartment?

DAPHNE

No but it might not be a bad idea if not for you, then definitely for me.

FRASIER

Don't you bleed anywhere near my duck.

NILES

Would you even notice if I did? It's so undercooked some strong smelling salts and a quick sharp shock could still save it.

DAPHNE SITS NILES DOWN AT THE TABLE WITH HIS HANDKERCHIEF PRESSED AGAINST HIS NOSE AS SHE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

MARTIN

I should have known a simple game of fetch would have been too strenuous for you. Next time we'll stick to eye spy and Clue.

NILES

That's very funny, I'm fine by the way.

DAPHNE ENTERS WITH AN ICE PACK AND PUTS IT ON NILES' NOSE

DAPHNE

Come here, let me slap this on your conk.

ROZ

Shouldn't you save that for a more private occasion?

SFX: KNOCKING COMING FROM THE BATHROOM

FRASIER

What was that?

MARTIN

Just Eddie's toy.

NILES

It knocks now.

ROZ

Well it did nearly knock you out. Then again a fly with a powerful wing velocity could do the same. I've often thought a violent sneeze would give you a brain haemorrhage.

MARTIN

Yeah they're all the rage these new toys. They're called (SHOUTS) 'I'll be right with you Cassandra.' Have you never heard of them? Daphne, Roz can I see you in the kitchen for a moment?

MARTIN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

FRASIER

Don't touch my cooking utensils.

ROZ

Don't worry, no one will probably touch your utensils ever again. They're all rusty from lack of use.

FRASIER

You'll have to expand Roz, once again you're being just too damn subtle.

DAPHNE AND ROZ EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN PACES BACK AND FORTH STARING AT THE BATHROOM DOOR AS DAPHNE AND ROZ ENTER

DAPHNE

You can't leave that poor women in the toilet all day. She'll come out smelling like she's using bleach as perfume.

ROZ

It won't improve your chances of getting another date either.

DAPHNE

Not to mention I haven't changed the hand towels in there today. Dr. Crane will freak out if he finds we've had company in there with crusty hand towels. He'll never let me forget the time the wine club came around and he had a soggy bath mat.

MARTIN

Yeah because that's the most important thing. Distract them.

ROZ

And how do you suggest we do that?

MARTIN

I don't know. Scratch his frying pan, bend his whisk. I don't care.

ROZ

You said distract him not kill him. I'm not in the mood to see a grown man weep over a frying pan. He's my boss I should at least try to hang on to the tiny amount of respect that I have for him left.

DAPHNE

But what do I do with Niles?

MARTIN

You're his fiancée.

ROZ

Yeah go and sleep with him that'll distract him.

DAPHNE

That's your answer for everything.

MARTIN

Tell him you're pregnant.

DAPHNE

If it's all the same with you, I'll call that plan B. What's the big deal anyway? It's not like you've never had anyone stop over before. You've had more women here then Dr. Crane.

ROZ

Well that's not hard. Eddie has more of a sex life then Frasier does and he's been neutered. It won't be long before Frasier starts romancing his towel warmer like Eddie does.

DAPHNE

What is the problem? She seems really nice.

MARTIN

It's just a little awkward.

ROZ

It's not like she's a man.

DAPHNE

She's not is she?

MARTIN

No. She's Hester.

ROZ

What do you mean?

DAPHNE

Like reincarnated?

MARTIN

No. In every way, in everything that she does and says she just reminds me of Hester. Every mannerism, every word reminds me of her. If you'd only spent even a second with Hester, you'd still be able to see the resemblance. Even Frank noticed and he spent a week with a marble up his nose without noticing so the boys will spot it in a second.

DAPHNE

Well we all did stupid things like that as a kid. Simon nailed his foot to the floor.

MARTIN

This was last month.

DAPHNE

So was this.

MARTIN

That's why his bowling game has suffered recently. He had too much extra weight on his face, which was putting off his balance. I'm just afraid that it'll upset them. Like I'm trying to replace her. You saw how they reacted with Mia.

ROZ

They're psychiatrists.

MARTIN

Exactly, they'll over analyse everything to death and make a big deal out of it. Just help me here please; I'll share my pension money.

ROZ

Oh fine.

MARTIN LOOKS THROUGH THE DOOR TOWARDS THE LIVING ROOM

MARTIN

(PANICKING) Frasier's going into the bathroom.

ROZ STARTS TO SCREAM AND DAPHNE QUICKLY CATCHES ON AND DOES THE SAME. EDDIE THEN RUSHES IN AND JOINS IN AND STARTS BARKING WITH THEM

FRASIER

(OFF STAGE) What is going on? My frying pan!

FRASIER ENTERS AS MARTIN EXITS AND NILES CAN BE SEEN PEERING AROUND THE DOOR WITH HIS BACK TO THE LIVING ROOM

FRASIER (CONT'D)

What happened?

ROZ AND DAPHNE STOP SCREAMING AND THEN LOOK TO EACH OTHER FOR AN EXPLANATION

ROZ

It's just this fork.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN OPENS THE BATHROOM DOOR AND CASSANDRA ENTERS. JUST AS SHE IS ABOUT TO EXIT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR SHE SUDDENLY STOPS

CASSANDRA

Oh no my purse!

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER

What about it? You obviously haven't impaled yourself with it, which is what it sounded like.

ROZ

It scared me. I thought I saw it wink at me.

FRASIER

Then what were you screaming about.

DAPHNE

Just in general for something to do.

FRASIER

Well as long as it's for a good reason. I'd hate to have a heart attack for no apparent reason.

NILES

I'm here as backup Frasier if you need me. I'm wearing my death glare and I could snap at any moment. Actually my death glare is making me frown somewhat, which is giving me a headache, but I'm still dangerous. What's going on?

ROZ

Some backup you are. A newborn kitten would be more dangerous.

NILES

There's no point in both of us getting killed. We need someone left to tell the story on chat shows and arrange the appropriate hors d'oeuvre at the wake.

FRASIER

I thought you were being murdered in here.

ROZ

And who would come in here and murder us. What would they have done it with, no one is allowed to touch your utensils? And cases of oregano poisoning have been decreasing over the last few years.

FRASIER

I don't know maybe they could have pushed the fridge over.

DAPHNE

How would they have even got in here? There's no window.

FRASIER

Through the garbage disposal, made a hole in the base of one of the cupboards from down stairs, hidden away in a bag of oranges how should I know?

DAPHNE

Sounds like a bit of a fishy idea to me.

FRASIER

Well then maybe he could...wait why am I defending myself? You were the ones screaming for no reason.

ROZ

And you had to make such a big deal out of it.

FRASIER

Has everyone gone insane?

FRASIER GOES TO EXIT BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM

MARTIN

(OFF STAGE) No don't come in here!

NILES

Apparently so.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN STANDS BEHIND THE CONSOLE BEHIND THE COUCH LOOKING VERY GUILTY AND NERVOUS AS FRASIER, NILES, DAPHNE AND ROZ ENTER

FRASIER

What is happening?

FRASIER AND NILES WALK TO THE BAR AS FRASIER SHOWS HIM A BOTTLE

MARTIN

Nothing. (SOTTO TO ROZ AND DAPHNE) How do I get them back in the kitchen?

DAPHNE

How should I know?

ROZ

You were a cop surely you can think of something.

DAPHNE

Wait where is she?

CASSANDRA LIFTS HER HEAD UP FROM BEHIND THE CONSOLE

CASSANDRA

Hi.

DAPHNE

Nice to see you again.

CASSANDRA HIDES AGAIN AS MARTIN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

FRASIER

What shall we do with ourselves for the rest of the day? We can't just sit around, all day long.

ROZ

Why not you were going to.

NILES

Isn't there a game we could play?

FRASIER STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS THE CUPBOARD BY THE DOOR AS CASSANDRA STRUGGLES TO GET OUT OF VIEW AND DAPHNE TRIES TO HIDE HER BY STANDING IN FRONT OF HER

DAPHNE

Where are you going?

FRASIER

I have some games in the cupboard.

DAPHNE

No you don't.

FRASIER

Yes I do.

DAPHNE

No you don't.

FRASIER

Yes I do.

DAPHNE

No you don't.

FRASIER

I have I'll show you.

AS FRASIER MOVES CLOSER TO IT AND WILL WITHOUT A DOUBT BE ABLE TO SEE CASSANDRA, ROZ JUMPS UP AND STARTS TO SING AND DANCE, STAMPING HER FEET ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM, GRABBING EVERYONE'S ATTENTION

NILES

Roz what are you doing?

ROZ

Just doing a little dancing.

NILES

For any particular reason?

ROZ

I just felt like it. You know sometimes I feel as though if I don't dance, I'll die.

NILES

You know where my office is don't you? Feel free to pop by, anytime and I'll try and fit you in. I can prescribe you something right away, or maybe even send you away for a little rest where they all wear white gowns and the electricity bill is quite high.

FRASIER

Something is going on here.

DAPHNE

No it's not.

FRASIER

Yes it is.

DAPHNE

No it's not.

FRASIER

Yes it...I am not starting this again. What is going on?

MARTIN

(OFF STAGE) Fire! Fire! Fire in the kitchen!

FRASIER

Oh my God.

FRASIER AND NILES RUN INTO THE KITCHEN AS MARTIN ENTERS FROM THERE AND HELPS CASSANDRA UP FROM THE FLOOR AND TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR. ONCE AGAIN THEY HEAR NILES COMING BEFORE SHE CAN LEAVE AND MARTIN ONCE AGAIN PUSHES HER INTO THE BATHROOM AND LEANS UP THE DOOR. ENTER NILES

NILES

I think you're confused Dad, it's a puff of smoke in the kitchen not a bush fire. What are you doing?

FRASIER

Feeling the grain of the wood on my cheek. It's so smooth and silky.

NILES

You know Dad, like Roz feel free to drop by my office and see me. Really I don't mind. I know I can't actually treat you but I'll gladly recommend someone.

NILES STANDS IN THE DOORWAY TO THE KITCHEN FACING INSIDE TOWARDS FRASIER

DAPHNE

You set fire to the kitchen?

MARTIN

Only to a box of matches. It worked didn't it?

ROZ

No! She's back in the bathroom. In the elevator, good, stuck in the bathroom or dangling over the side of the balcony, bad.

MARTIN

So what do you suggest? I try and flood the place?

DAPHNE

Set fire to something else.

MARTIN

That's called arson. I used to lock people up for that.

ROZ

It didn't stop you before.

MARTIN

But that was a box of matches, you're supposed to set fire to them. You're not supposed to glue them in your ears and run around flapping your arms. Oh OK, then why don't I just walk in the kitchen and set fire to Frasier that would work.

CASSANDRA OPENS THE DOOR AND STICKS HER HEAD OUT

CASSANDRA

I wouldn't mind.

EDDIE, SPOTTING HER, STARTS TO BARK AT HER

MARTIN

Eddie be quiet.

FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AS MARTIN SHUTS THE DOOR ON CASSANDRA AND NILES TURNS AROUND TO FACE THE ROOM

FRASIER

Did I just hear a woman's voice?

ROZ

No that was me.

FRASIER

It sounded like an older women.

NILES

It could have been Roz then.

NILES STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS THE BATHROOM DOOR BUT DAPHNE STANDS IN FRONT OF HIM AND STOPS HIM

DAPHNE

Where are you going?

NILES

To use the bathroom.

DAPHNE

Then use mine.

NILES

Why?

DAPHNE

Because I love the thought of you in there. It's sexy. It's almost like you're scent marking it, letting everyone know that I'm yours and only yours.

FRASIER

Have you all been drinking this morning without me?

MARTIN

(DESPERATE) Frasier I think I saw a cockroach in the kitchen earlier.

FRASIER

And you only think to tell me about it now? Why not wait until next week when the thing can breed and over run the apartment.

NILES

A cockroach? Get on the couch Daphne, Roz go and get it.

MARTIN

(SHOUTS) This is your chance to go and get it. Come on I'll show you.

FRASIER EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN FOLLOWED BY DAPHNE, ROZ AND MARTIN. WHEN THEY ARE OUT OF THE ROOM NILES STARES AFTER THEM BEFORE OPENING THE BATHROOM AND BEING FACE TO FACE WITH CASSANDRA

NILES

Oh hello.

CASSANDRA

Hello. I guess you're wondering what I'm doing in the bathroom?

NILES

I am mildly curious. I take it you didn't crawl out of the bowl, you're much too dry for starters.

MARTIN

(OFF STAGE) There it is! Get it!

LOUD THUDS CAN BE HEARD FROM THE KITCHEN AS NILES AND CASSANDRA BOTH STARE IN THAT DIRECTION FOR A MOMENT

CASSANDRA

I'm here because...

NILES

You're just like my mother.

CASSANDRA

That's what Marty said.

FRASIER

(OFF STAGE) Oh well spotted. I've just beaten the hell out of a piece of lint.

NILES

I guess that's why he's hidden you in here.

CASSANDRA

He just thought it might upset you.

NILES

Did he?

MARTIN ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AND STANDS BACK AND WATCHES

DAPHNE

(OFF STAGE) That's my foot you clumsy sod.

CASSANDRA

I guess I should be going.

NILES SITS ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH WHICH PUSHES ONE OF THE COUCH CUSHIONS DOWN SLIGHTLY

NILES

Yeah. Good bye.

CASSANDRA

Good bye.

AS CASSANDRA GOES TO EXIT NILES STANDS AND TRIES TO STRAIGHTEN THE COUCH CUSHION AGAIN. HE SUDDENLY FROWNS, PUTS HIS HAND DOWN THE BACK OF THE CUSHION AND PULLS OUT A BRA

NILES

Is there any chance this isn't yours?

CASSANDRA

I wish I could say yes.

NILES HANDS HER THE BRA BEFORE CASSANDRA EXITS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR

MARTIN

Niles?

NILES

You didn't need to hide her. We are old enough to handle it.

FRASIER

(OFF STAGE) Get it off me! Get it off me! Help me!

ROZ

(OFF STAGE) It's a grape.

MARTIN

I was only trying to protect you. I know how much you loved her, how much you still love her.

NILES

But we also want you to be happy.

MARTIN

I know.

NILES

So are you going to see her again?

MARTIN

It's hard on me as well. I feel like I'm trying to replace her.

NILES

All this time later and you're still feeling guilty?

MARTIN

God forbid the same thing to happen to you Niles, but if it did you'd know how I feel.

NILES

I'm here for you.

MARTIN

I know. Best not to tell Frasier about this. There's no need to go upsetting him as well.

NILES

Agreed.

DAPHNE AND ROZ ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN AS MARTIN AND NILES SIT DOWN

ROZ

That'll keep him busy for a while.

NILES

Is there a cockroach?

DAPHNE

No, but let's savour the peace and quiet while he hunts for it.

DAPHNE AND ROZ ALSO SIT DOWN ON THE COUCH BEFORE EDDIE STARTS TO BARK AND WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

CLOSING CREDITS: NILES, DAPHNE, MARTIN AND ROZ ALL SIT IN THE LIVING ROOM RELAXING AND WATCHING THE TELEVISION AS FRASIER SITS SCRUNCHED UP IN THE CORNER OF THE KITCHEN WITH A NEWSPAPER IN HIS HAND WAITING FOR THE COCKROACH TO APPEAR.