I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.

To stand a chance of winning one of Daphne's famous Shepard's pies, following by a week in the hospital and a stomach pump please send feedback to Kelly_simba@hotmail.com.

Enjoy...


Frasier
Alternative Season Nine Episode Three
Guess Who's Eventually Coming To Dinner

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

TITLE CARD: 'IT'S CERTAINLY NOT ANNIE HALL'

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Frasier, Martin, Roz, Niles, Daphne)

FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWDED NERVOSA. ON THE TABLE ARE THREE CUPS OF COFFEE AND SEVERAL PADS AND PIECES OF PAPER

FRASIER

OK Dad I need you to pick up the napkins tomorrow. Between ten and five after ten, don't be late.

MARTIN

So what, a minute either way and the world will end? They'll set their attack napkin on me? I mean God forbid we should upset the napkin people. It'll be the end of the dinner party, as we know it. What will people make swans from and put on the table?

FRASIER GLARES AT MARTIN

MARTIN (CONT'D)

Can they at least be novelty napkins?

FRASIER

What kind of novelty napkins? Nothing too suggestive.

MARTIN

How about "Finally you've found someone we like. Now I can throw out my gun and the cattle prod and the stun gun and the mace and the..."

FRASIER

No that would be deemed too suggestive.

ROZ

"Three times a charm?"

FRASIER

I don't think that's appropriate for an engagement party.

ROZ

Well can I still hire a stripper?

MARTIN

You can't have a stripper at an engagement party.

FRASIER

That's just what I've been telling her, thank you Dad. I've also said no to the balloons made out of condoms and any sort of farmyard animal dressed in women's underwear running around my apartment. I have visions of a herd of sheep soiling my carpet.

MARTIN

Jeez Roz he's right. Save them for the bachelor party. We can hire a party room to hold it in so we won't have the old women here running around cleaning up after us and anonymously calling the police when someone gets a smudge of frois gra on the couch.

FRASIER

Thank you Dad. But I think she meant hiring a stripper for herself not for the party. She's been hard up for a date recently. You can see that desperate glint in her eye.

ROZ

Hey! Well yes but...Hey! You can hardly call me desperate after your date last night, Claire may have waxed her moustache but she still isn't anywhere near being the prettiest girl in the playground. Oh come on we need something to make this party more exciting. It's hardly going to be a laugh riot what with a bunch of stuffed shirts from the wine club and Daphne's friends who half the time I have no clue what they are saying. The conversation is hardly going to be free flowing. I might as well bring a defibulator and some smelling salts.

FRASIER

I've prepared some games to play to liven things up.

MARTIN

And I've planned a murder suicide pact. I wonder which will get the bigger applause?

ROZ

Good I'll bring the rat poison.

MARTIN

And I've already got the gun.

ROZ

Throw in a couple of gophers and this is turning into a party!

FRASIER

Fine. Then what do you suggest? We watch a Monster Truck Rally? All get all liquored up and spit over the balcony? A procession of ex's? A 'this is what your last wedding looked like' show-and-tell?

MARTIN

Just buy plenty of alcohol.

FRASIER

Oh don't panic I won't let anyone touch your beer.

ROZ

Are you bringing a date?

FRASIER

No, Annie's going to be there.

MARTIN

Oh jeez.

ROZ

Annie? Who's Annie?

MARTIN

Daphne's friend from the ski lodge fiasco.

ROZ

But wasn't she fawning all over Niles?

FRASIER

Well yes but...

ROZ

Either way the woman is obviously delusional. You should get her to call into the show.

FRASIER

What does that mean?

ROZ

Frasier every woman you date has some kind of mental illness.

FRASIER

I object to that!

ROZ

Only because it's true.

FRASIER

It is not.

MARTIN

Are you saying that Lilith and Diane aren't insane?

FRASIER STARES AT MARTIN BEFORE IGNORING HIM AND TURNING HIS ATTENTION TO ROZ

FRASIER

Roz are you still bringing the balloons and the banners?

MARTIN

(TO ROZ) In the psychiatric trade we call that avoidance.

ROZ

Yes sir. How are we going to put them up with Daphne there?

FRASIER

That's already taken care of. She's going to the theatre with Niles that evening.

ROZ

Then how do we get them back? Is this where we put all our faith in her psychic skills?

MARTIN

If you think about it logically the chances are she already knows there's going to be a party.

FRASIER

I'm going to get you to steal the theatre tickets out of Niles' coat pocket.

ROZ

Why me?

MARTIN

Yeah I was an undercover cop. I have more experience.

FRASIER

Yes and if at anytime I need someone to fall asleep with a jelly donut in their mouth while a bank robbery takes place you'll be the first person I ask.

MARTIN

That was not my fault. Niles was up all night terrified that Lincoln was in his closet. I could barely keep my eyes open.

FRASIER

Yeah that trick back fired somewhat. I want you to do it Roz because you always look shifty. They'll never know that something's going on.

ROZ STARTS TO STARE OUT THE DOOR

ROZ

Oh yes they will.

FRASIER

They won't.

MARTIN FOLLOWS ROZ'S EYE LINE AND LOOKS OUT THE DOOR

MARTIN

They will because they're just about to walk through the door. And I'm sorry but I don't think I'm quick enough to poke their eyes out with my cane before they get in here.

FRASIER SEES THEM COMING AND GASPS

FRASIER

Quick hide.

ROZ AND MARTIN PUSH THEIR CHAIRS BACK SLIGHTLY AND HIDE THEIR HEADS UNDER THE TABLE

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Not us, the evidence.

ROZ

Where?

FRASIER

Well I don't mean in the cappuccino maker now do I?

FRASIER GRABS ALL OF THE PAPERS OFF THE TABLE AND PUSHES THEM UNDER MARTIN ON HIS CHAIR, MAKING HIM SIT ON THEM

MARTIN

Oh great I always wanted a booster seat. Watch your hand Frasier.

FRASIER THEN TAKES ALL THE COFFEE CUPS AND PUTS THEM ON HIS LAP

ROZ

Not the cups, we're not conspiring to drink coffee.

FRASIER PUTS THE CUPS BACK ON THE TABLE BEFORE PICKING UP A PEN

FRASIER

Where do I put this pen?

MARTIN

I can think of one place, it may hurt.

ROZ

Give it here. Dear God and you went to Harvard you say?

ROZ PUTS THE PEN IN HER POCKET. SUDDENLY SHE SEES A PIECE OF PAPER ON TOP OF THEIR NAPKINS WHICH SHE SCREWS UP INTO A BALL AND PUTS INTO HER MOUTH BEFORE CHEWING

FRASIER

Don't eat that it's the guest list.

ROZ SPITS THE PAPER BACK OUT AGAIN AND INTO A CUP AS NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER

NILES

Is that a warning not to have a latte this morning? Have they started serving them in paper cups? Or are you on that all paper diet?

DAPHNE

Hello everyone.

NILES

Dad you look bigger somehow.

MARTIN

Do I? Oh well that's because I'm using a volumising conditioner on my hair. That's added a couple of inches. Not to mention made it easier to handle.

NILES

Can I get anyone a coffee?

FRASIER

No thanks Niles, in fact we were just leaving. Weren't we?

DAPHNE

All of you?

ROZ

Yeah...we just need...yes. Let's go.

FRASIER AND ROZ GET UP AND START TO LEAVE BEFORE NOTICING THAT MARTIN IS STILL SITTING IN HIS CHAIR

FRASIER

Dad aren't you coming?

MARTIN

I would but I'm having trouble getting up off the chair.

DAPHNE

I'll help you.

DAPHNE TRIES TO LIFT HIM UP

MARTIN

No that's fine.

FRASIER

Come on Dad.

MARTIN

I would but I'm having a pants problem.

NILES

Well Roz is well educated in that area.

FRASIER

(CONFUSED) Let me see.

FRASIER BENDS DOWN TO SEE

FRASIER (CONT'D)

(SUDDENLY REALISING) Oh yes I forgot, your pants problem.

DAPHNE

You know I think it's time you two stopped living together. You'll be taking each other's temperatures the old fashioned way at this rate.

FRASIER

I know why don't we just take the chair with us. I'm sure they won't mind. Are you ready Roz?

FRASIER AND ROZ BEND DOWN AND PICK UP MARTIN'S CHAIR WITH HIM STILL SITTING AND NOW CLINGING TO IT

MARTIN

Remember lift with your legs.

ROZ

Bye everyone.

MARTIN

Watch my head on the doorframe.

FRASIER

Don't worry that new fuller conditioner will soften the blow.

FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ EXIT AS NILES AND DAPHNE STARE AFTER THEM COMPLETELY BEMUSED

NILES

Well that was normal.

DAPHNE

Surprise party?

NILES

I don't think you need to be psychic to work that out.

DAPHNE

They might have taken up lion taming, you never know. That's what they wanted the chair for. Has your brother bought a sparkling jacket and a top hat recently?

NILES

Not in the summer, that's more of a winter activity.

AS THEY GET THEIR COFFEES AND SIT DOWN WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

TITLE CARD: 'THEY'RE OBVIOUSLY NOT SHAPED LIKE HEARTS'

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — EVENING — DAY/2
(Daphne, Frasier, Niles, Roz, Martin, Annie, Party Guests)

DAPHNE PUTS A GLASS IN THE SINK AS FRASIER GETS A PLATE OF PARTY FOOD OUT OF THE FRIDGE. THERE IS ALREADY SOME FOOD ON THE COUNTER

DAPHNE

You've got a lot of food out for just the three of you. Will you be fetching the treadmill up from the storage space any time soon?

FRASIER

Yes I know we have a lot, I think Dad has worms, that why he's eating so much recently. I told him to throw that meat out, but he kept insisting that it was green because it was extremely new cheese not extremely old ham.

DAPHNE

I may be his health care worker but there are things that even I don't want to know and that's one of them.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

NILES GETS HIS COAT OFF THE PEG AS MARTIN READS THE PAPER IN HIS CHAIR AND ROZ SITS ON THE COUCH

NILES

Whose is the suitcase down the hall?

FRASIER AND DAPHNE ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN

ROZ

That would be mine. Couldn't you tell by the amount of club eighteen to thirty stickers I have on there?

NILES

Oh yes, you obviously haven't used this case for a good ten years then have you? Why have you brought a suitcase?

ROZ/MARTIN

It's not a suitcase, it's a purse/I wanted to borrow it.

DAPHNE

Well just make sure you wear high heels with it, we wouldn't want you to look silly now would we?

FRASIER

(SOTTO TO ROZ) Roz, get the tickets.

ROZ

(SOTTO TO FRASIER) I would but Niles is holding his coat.

FRASIER

(SOTTO TO ROZ) Then improvise, get it off him.

ROZ

(SOTTO TO FRASIER) Isn't that going to look suspicious?

FRASIER

(SOTTO TO ROZ) That's exactly why I want you to do it, you always look suspicious, they'll never catch on.

MARTIN

So you're going to the theatre right?

DAPHNE

That's right.

MARTIN

That's nice.

A BEAT

NILES

Well you've certainly exhausted that conversation, thrilling as it was. Daphne we should get going anyway.

FRASIER

(PANICKING) No you can't leave yet.

NILES

Why?

MARTIN

Because it's raining.

DAPHNE

No it isn't.

ROZ

But it's going to. You don't want to take any chances.

NILES

I think the car will protect us. And we can't use any other mode of transport, you generally get frowned upon if you arrive at the theatre on a tandem.

FRASIER

But you can't go.

ROZ

Because I want to feel your overcoat first.

NILES

Excuse me?

ROZ

Don't question me, I'm hormonal and I could lash out at any minute and I could break you like a twig.

NILES

Take it.

NILES HANDS ROZ THE COAT AND SHE STARTS TO RUB HERSELF UP IT. SHE THEN TURNS AWAY FROM NILES AND DAPHNE AND WHILE RUBBING HER FACE UP IT STARTS TO GO THROUGH HIS POCKETS

ROZ

It feels so nice. And oh my, so many, many, many pockets.

NILES

Well when you're quite finished scent marking it, we have to go.

ROZ

No not yet, I haven't touched this part. OK I'm done, you can leave now.

ROZ GIVES NILES HIS COAT BACK AND HE HOLDS IT AT ARMS LENGTH

DAPHNE

Bye.

NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT

FRASIER

OK we have about twenty minutes before they realise and get back. Roz you start to decorate, I'll set out the food.

FRASIER AND ROZ GO TO EVERY CUPBOARD AND PULL OUT PLATES OF FOOD, BANNERS AND BALLOONS

MARTIN

What do I do?

FRASIER

Go next door and invite the guests to come in. And thank Mrs. Richmond for letting us hide everyone around there and tell her she's welcome to join us. What do you have in that suitcase?

MARTIN EXITS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AS ROZ PUTS THE SUITCASE ON THE COUCH AND OPENS IT TO REVEAL BOTTLES AND BOTTLES OF ALCOHOL

ROZ

Just something to give the punch a little kick.

FRASIER

A kick is fine but that much alcohol will send everybody blind.

MARTIN ENTERS ALONG WITH SEVERAL PARTY GUESTS THAT CONTINUE TO ENTER THROUGHOUT THE COURSE OF THE SCENE

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Ah welcome come on in. Dad can you set out the bar and then you can all help yourselves to a drink.

FRASIER GETS A PUNCH BOWL FROM OUT OF THE CREDENZA AND STARES INTO IT

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Roz what kind of ice cubes are these?

ROZ

Cold ones.

FRASIER

I mean what brand?

MARTIN

Dear God Frasier they're just ice cubes. It's frozen water. They're all the same, does it really matter where they were made?

FRASIER

When they are shaped like rather inappropriate portions of the human anatomy, yes it does.

ROZ

Frasier help me move Martin's chair.

FRASIER AND ROZ PUSH MARTIN'S CHAIR BACK SLIGHTLY

FRASIER

Why do we need to move it?

ROZ

To make room for the stripper.

FRASIER

We are not having a stripper.

ROZ

But what if everyone's expecting to see one?

FRASIER

Trust me, no one in their right mind is expecting to see a stripper at an engagement party.

ROZ

I am.

FRASIER

Exactly, no one in their right mind.

ANNIE ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND FRASIER IMMEDIATELY MOVES TO HER

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Annie! It's so nice to see you again.

ANNIE

Come on then, where is he?

FRASIER

Where is who?

ANNIE

The stripper. I've been out and bought a pair of opera glasses especially.

FRASIER

There isn't going to be a stripper.

ANNIE

But it says so on the invitations.

FRASIER

Roz I'm going to kill you.

MARTIN

Oh come on Frasier it is an engagement party.

FRASIER

Yes for Niles and Daphne, not Hugh Hefner.

AS THEY ALL CONTINUE TO PREPARE THE ROOM FOR THE PARTY WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

FADE IN:

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS LOBBY — EVENING — DAY/2
(Daphne, Niles, Doorman, Attendant, Frasier)

NILES AND DAPHNE STAND IN THE LOBBY WAITING FOR THE ELEVATOR DOORS TO OPEN AS A DOORMAN STANDS NEAR BY

DAPHNE

Now remember to act surprised.

NILES

I will I promise. How does this look?

NILES PULLS A RATHER BIZARRE LOOKING FACE

DAPHNE

Like you've just been hit in the face with a frying pan.

NILES

Let's see your surprised face then.

DAPHNE PULLS A SURPRISED FACE

NILES (CONT'D)

Oh I see that's surprise will an extra dash of trapped wind.

DAPHNE

Thanks a lot.

NILES KISSES HER CHEEK

NILES

Oh you know I'm only joking.

DAPHNE

And you know I'm not, frying pan face.

THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN AND NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT INTO THEM BEFORE THEY CLOSE. THE DOORMAN THEN PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS

DOORMAN

(ON THE PHONE) They're on their way up. Henry Kissinger, who do you think?

RESET TO:

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS ELEVATOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES AND DAPHNE STAND IN THE ELEVATOR

DAPHNE

This should be fun, unless they've shipped my mother over.

NILES

Then maybe we could try to fake our own deaths.

DAPHNE

You're beginning to think like me now.

NILES

Ok so how is this for surprised?

NILES PULLS ANOTHER FACE

DAPHNE

Like you need to be sedated.

NILES

I see being engaged to a psychiatrist is starting to rub off on you.

THE ELEVATOR SUDDENLY COMES TO A GRINDING HALT

NILES (CONT'D)

We've stopped.

DAPHNE

And look at that, being engaged to a psychic is starting to rub off on you. It must be stuck again. They've only just fixed the bloody thing.

DAPHNE STARTS TO PRESS ALL THE BUTTONS AS NILES BEGINS TO BREATHE REALLY HEAVILY

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Niles, honey, before you start to hyperventilate to the point of passing out, just remember you're taking all the oxygen faster from the lift.

NILES

What part of that was supposed to make me feel better?

DAPHNE

Honey?

NILES PICKS UP THE PHONE ON THE CONTROL PANEL

NILES

(ON THE PHONE) Hello, we're stuck in one of the elevators at the Elliot Bay Towers.

ATTENDANT (V.O.)

Again? Well I'll send a crew out to you as soon as I can but it may take a while. Call back in ten minutes and I'll have a more appropriate time estimate.

NILES

Thank you.

NILES HANGS UP THE PHONE BEFORE TAKING OUT HIS CELL PHONE

NILES (CONT'D)

I'd better call Frasier. (ON PHONE) Hi Frasier.

FRASIER (V.O.)

Oh Niles where are you?

NILES

In your elevator.

FRASIER (V.O.)

Oh then I'll see you in a minute. You left your tickets here.

NILES

No actually you won't. We can't get out of your elevator.

FRASIER (V.O.)

Well whichever old lady is blocking your way, just knock her down and get in here. Oh, unless it's Mrs. Sugden, she will break like a twig.

NILES

No that's not it.

FRASIER (V.O.)

Are you cornered by a spider again? Get Daphne to stamp on it. It'll probably be a piece of lint again like last time.

NILES

No Frasier you don't understand, the elevator has stopped. We're stuck between the sixteenth and seventeenth floors.

FRASIER (V.O.)

Well have you called for help?

NILES

No I thought I'd use the power of telepathy. Of course I have, but all their crews are out, it may take a while.

FRASIER (V.O.)

This is a nightmare it'll ruin everything.

NILES

What will?

FRASIER (V.O.)

Oh all right I may as well tell you. We're throwing you a surprise engagement party. Everyone is here.

NILES

(FAKE SURPRISE) Oh my what a surprise.

FRASIER (V.O.)

Can't you climb up to the top of the elevator and pull the switch again?

NILES

I don't have anything to climb.

FRASIER (V.O.)

Daphne's with you isn't she?

NILES

He wants you to give me a boost.

DAPHNE

Since when has your brother controlled our sex life? Shouldn't you be lifting me up there? Oh second thoughts no, I'd better do the lifting. You might pull a muscle, or even worse break a nail.

NILES

Hold on Frasier.

NILES PUTS THE PHONE ON THE FLOOR AS DAPHNE HOLDS HER HANDS OUT TO LIFT NILES UP

DAPHNE

On the count of three. One, two, three. Well open it.

NILES REACHES THE ROOF AND STARTS TO PUSH OPEN THE HATCH UNTIL IT STOPS

NILES

It won't open any more.

DAPHNE

You can squeeze through there can't you?

NILES TRIES TO SQUEEZE THROUGH THE GAP UNTIL ONLY HIS HIPS ARE HANGING FROM THE CEILING AND THEN STOPS

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Or maybe not.

NILES

Fantastic now I'm stuck.

DAPHNE PICKS UP THE PHONE

FRASIER (V.O.)

What's going on?

DAPHNE

We're just experiencing a few technical difficulties. Hold on.

DAPHNE GRABS HOLD ON NILES LEGS

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

I've got you. Now let go.

NILES LET'S GO BUT HE DOESN'T MOVE, INSTEAD BECAUSE DAPHNE IS HANGING ON AND PULLING SO HARD ON HIS LEGS, NILES' SUSPENDERS SNAP UNDONE AND HIS TROUSERS FALL AND HANG AROUND HIS ANKLES

FRASIER (V.O.)

What's happening now?

DAPHNE

Now Niles isn't wearing any pants.

FRASIER (V.O.)

I wish I hadn't asked.

DAPHNE PUTS THE PHONE BACK ON THE FLOOR

DAPHNE

Let me try again.

NILES

Watch my underwear.

DAPHNE

It's right in my face, I have no option but to watch it. One more time.

DAPHNE CLINGS TO HIS LEGS ONE MORE TIME AND PULLS, EVENTUALLY NILES FALLS AND LANDS ON THE FLOOR ON DAPHNE

NILES

Hello.

DAPHNE

We really should stop meeting like this.

NILES

Is there any chance you have a can opener in your purse?

DAPHNE

Not on a weekend.

AS THEY BOTH STAND UP WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(D)

TITLE CARD: 'ALL SHOOK UP'

FADE IN:

INT. 19TH FLOOR HALLWAY — EVENING — DAY/2
(Martin, Frasier, Roz, Annie, Niles, Daphne, Eddie)

FRASIER PRESSES HIS EAR UP THE ELEVATOR DOORS AS MARTIN, ROZ AND ANNIE ENTER INTO THE HALLWAY TO JOIN HIM

MARTIN

What's going on? Is anyone coming to fix it?

FRASIER

Not for a while.

ROZ

Well that's no reason to spoil the party.

FRASIER

But the guests of honour are stuck in a tiny box several floors below us.

ROZ

What's your point?

ANNIE

Isn't there anyway we can still include them?

FRASIER

Like how?

ROZ

Pry open the elevator doors and throw food down to them.

FRASIER

Oh what a fabulous idea. Better still why don't we throw a fireman's hose down there and flood them out. That way we won't have to send food to them, they'll come to the food.

MARTIN

Great idea.

MARTIN EXITS INSIDE THE APARTMENT

FRASIER

I wasn't serious.

MARTIN ENTERS WITH TWO SCREWDRIVERS AND HANDS ONE TO FRASIER

MARTIN

Here Frasier take this screwdriver, we'll pry it open.

ANNIE

Shouldn't you use someone strong for that job?

MARTIN GIVES THE SCREWDRIVER TO ROZ AND THEY PRY THE DOOR OPEN

MARTIN

Good point, Roz you help me. OK, one, two, three. Niles, Daphne can you guys hear me?

NILES

(OFF STAGE) Loud and clear. What's going on?

MARTIN

We've got the doors open up here so we're going to throw you some food down.

DAPHNE

(OFF STAGE) That's fine. Anything except hot soup.

FRASIER

How does a crab puff sound?

FRASIER EXITS INSIDE AS ANNIE BEGINS TO MAKE SOME RATHER STRANGE NOISES ALMOST LIKE A PENGUIN

ANNIE

Isn't that how they sound? I didn't even know crabs made noises, let alone gay crabs.

DAPHNE

(OFF STAGE) Hello Annie.

ANNIE

(OFF STAGE) Hi Daphne.

FRASIER ENTERS WITH A TRAY OF CRAB PUFFS WITH EDDIE FOLLOWING WATCHING THE TRAY. FRASIER KNEELS ON THE FLOOR AND THROWS A CRAB PUFF DOWN THE ELEVATOR SHAFT

FRASIER

Here you go. Have you got it?

NILES

(OFF STAGE) No.

ROZ

You missed. Give it here.

ROZ KNEELS DOWN PICKS UP A CRAB PUFF AND THROWS IT RATHER VIOLENTLY

RESET TO:

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS ELEVATOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES AND DAPHNE STAND UNDER THE OPENING WITH THEIR HANDS CUPPED READY TO CATCH THE CRAB PUFFS. SUDDENLY ONE FLIES THROUGH THE HOLE AND HITS NILES IN THE FACE BEFORE LANDING ON THE FLOOR

MARTIN

(OFF STAGE) Did you get it?

NILES

Yes, right in the eye. Thank you.

RESET TO:

INT. 19TH FLOOR HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER AND ROZ REMAIN ON THE FLOOR THROWING CRAB PUFFS WITH MARTIN AND ANNIE WATCHING. EDDIE IS BECOMING INCREASINGLY INTERESTED IN THE CRAB PUFFS AND TRIES TO FOLLOW THEM AS THEY DISAPPEAR DOWN THE ELEVATOR SHAFT. MARTIN TAKES HOLD ON HIS COLLAR

MARTIN

Eddie, no get back. Eddie, no. Go away.

DAPHNE

(OFF STAGE) Is this what they mean by fast food?

ROZ AND ANNIE EXIT INSIDE

MARTIN

Watch Eddie for me. I'm going to get a drink.

MARTIN EXITS INSIDE AND SO EDDIE IMMEDIATELY TRIES TO EAT OFF THE TRAY

FRASIER

Get away from there. Leave the crab puffs alone. On second thoughts.

FRASIER PICKS UP A CRAB PUFF, LETS EDDIE SMELL IT TO GET HIS ATTENTION AND THE GESTURES TO THROW IT DOWN THE ELEVATOR SHAFT TO GET EDDIE TO FOLLOW IT AS MARTIN ENTERS

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Go get it Eddie. Get the crab puff. Jump boy. Oh hi Dad.

MARTIN

Do you guys want a beer?

FRASIER

Don't give them beer. We have champagne. I'll get a bottle.

FRASIER EXITS INSIDE BEFORE RE-ENTERING CARRYING A BOTTLE WITH ANNIE AND ROZ

FRASIER (CONT'D)

We need something to soften the blow or it'll break.

MARTIN

Oh it's not that far.

MARTIN TAKES THE BOTTLE OFF FRASIER AND DROPS IT DOWN THE SHAFT

RESET TO:

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS ELEVATOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES AND DAPHNE STAND READY TO CATCH THE BOTTLE

SFX: THUD AND A SMASH

DAPHNE QUICKLY MOVES AWAY FROM THE OPENING BUT NILES REMAINS AS BEFORE AS THE CHAMPAGNE STARTS TO DRIP THEN POUR THROUGH THE HATCH ALL OVER HIM

DAPHNE

I think I saw this scene in Silence of the Lambs.

NILES

Thanks for the shower Dad, but I think a cushion may help.

RESET TO:

INT. 19TH FLOOR HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

ROZ

I'll get one.

ROZ AND MARTIN EXIT INSIDE

FRASIER

No not my couch cushion.

ROZ AND MARTIN RE-ENTER CARRYING A CUSHION AND A BOTTLE RESPECTIVELY

ROZ

Why not?

FRASIER

Because it's a replica of the one Coco Chanel had in her Paris atelier.

ROZ

Oh big deal.

FRASIER

But it's covered in grease.

ROZ

Have you never heard of club soda?

ROZ THROWS THE CUSHION DOWN THE SHAFT

MARTIN

Oh stop pulling that face, it's a couch cushion.

FRASIER

I've just suddenly become alarmed at how easily you managed to pry the doors open without some sort of an alarm going off.

MARTIN

Here we go again.

MARTIN LEANS OVER, TAKES AIM AND DROPS THE BOTTLE DOWN THE SHAFT

SFX: THUD AND A SMASH

NILES

(OFF STAGE) And once again, thanks so much for the shower.

ANNIE

I thought you said we weren't going to flood them out.

MARTIN

Let's go back to beer cans they won't break.

ROZ EXITS AND RE-ENTERS WITH A SIX PACK. MARTIN AND ROZ THEN START TO THROW THE CANS DOWN THE SHAFT

SFX: SEVERAL LOUD THUDS

MARTIN (CONT'D)

Have you got one yet?

RESET TO:

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS ELEVATOR — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE

No not yet.

NILES

(SHOUTS) And will you stop throwing cans on the roof. I don't particularly want to plummet to the basement today.

A CAN THEN BOUNCES OFF THE ROOF OF THE ELEVATOR AND FALLS DOWN BANGING ON THE FLOOR

DAPHNE

I got one. Stop throwing them. We'll share it.

DAPHNE PICKS UP THE CAN AND OPENS IT. NATURALLY THE SHAKING AND THE FALL HAVE CAUSED THE BEER TO FIZZ UP AND SPRAYS ALL OVER BOTH OF THEM

NILES

Thanks for my half. That's really quenched my thirst.

AS THEY BOTH GET THE BEER OUT OF THEIR EYES WE:

FADE OUT

(E)

FADE IN:

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS ELEVATOR — EVENING — DAY/2
(Daphne, Niles)

NILES AND DAPHNE SIT SLUMPED UP THE BACK WALL OF THE ELEVATOR, WITH THEIR LEGS STRETCHED OUT

DAPHNE

God I'm bored

NILES

Well we can play eye spy if you want but I can guarantee it'll start to get repetitive after a while.

DAPHNE

Oh wait I've got an idea.

NILES

Charades?

DAPHNE

I was thinking of something a little more physical.

NILES

Speed charades?

DAPHNE

Something that's guaranteed to make you work up a sweat.

NILES

Daphne you don't mean...?

DAPHNE NODS AT HIM AND THEN STARTS TO LOOSEN HIS TIE

NILES (CONT'D)

But we're in the elevator.

DAPHNE

Exactly no one's watching.

NILES

But all those positions I have to get into, it's so exhausting.

DAPHNE

You know you want to.

NILES

But I'm still recovering from the last time. I pulled a muscle.

DAPHNE

Oh go on.

NILES

I don't think I have the stamina.

DAPHNE

Oh yes you do, at least you should with all those protein shakes I've been giving you.

NILES

I just don't have the coordination. I can never remember where everything is supposed to go.

DAPHNE

It's just like riding a bike.

NILES

But I've never been able to do that either. Oh what the hell, you only live once.

CUT TO:

(F)

CUT TO:

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS ELEVATOR — EVENING — DAY/2
(Daphne, Niles)

A TWISTER MAT NOW COVERS THE FLOOR AS NILES POSITIONS HIMSELF OVER THE CIRCLES AND DAPHNE STANDS ON THE EDGE SPINNING THE BOARD

DAPHNE

Right leg blue.

NILES BENDS OVER COMPLETELY WITH HIS BACKSIDE IN THE FACE FACING THE ELEVATOR DOORS

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Now there's a pretty picture if the doors should happen to open right now.

NILES

Daphne once again, why do you carry this game around with you in your purse?

DAPHNE

For emergencies just like this.

AS THEY CONTINUE TO PLAY TWISTER WE:

FADE OUT.

(G)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2
(Frasier, Annie, Martin, Roz, Party Guests)

THE PARTY CONTINUES BUT WITH A VISUALLY OBVIOUS CLASS DIVIDE IN THE ROOM WITH NILES FRIENDS TO THE RIGHT AND DAPHNE'S FRIENDS TO THE LEFT WITH FRASIER, MARTIN, ROZ AND ANNIE IN THE MIDDLE. FRASIER TALKS TO ANNIE NEAR THE ISLAND

FRASIER

So Annie are you enjoying the party?

ANNIE

I'd be enjoying it more if you had kept your promise about the stripper.

FRASIER

In truth there was never going to be a stripper.

ANNIE

But you said there would be on the invitations. That's false advertising. I could have you up in front of the trading standards for that.

ANNIE MOVES TO THE BAR AS FRASIER JOINS MARTIN AND ROZ

MARTIN

How's it going with Annie?

FRASIER

Not well.

ROZ

Never mind, things might improve.

FRASIER

Only if I lather myself up in baby oil, squeeze into a thong and dance for money.

MARTIN

Oh jeez.

ROZ

I would like to sleep again some time in the future you know.

FRASIER

Thank you all so much.

MARTIN

You know Frasier, maybe we should do something to liven up this party.

ROZ

Yeah, there seems to be a slight class divide.

FRASIER

We do need to get them to mingle. How about a game?

MARTIN

No get them to mingle, not throw themselves over the balcony.

FRASIER

Then what do you suggest?

ROZ

Let me give the punch a little kick.

FRASIER

You'll understand that I don't particularly want to see everyone from the wine club vomit and pass out in my apartment.

ROZ

(GUILTILY) Oh really?

FRASIER

Why what did you do to it?

ROZ

Nothing.

FRASIER

Roz?

ANNIE STAGGERS OVER WITH A GLASS OF PUNCH

ANNIE

God blimey, have you tried that punch? It peels your gums off your teeth. Two glasses of that and I'll be flirting with anyone.

FRASIER

Really?

ANNIE

Well almost anyone.

MARTIN

Let's put some music on.

FRASIER

What a fabulous idea. I have a new recording of Tosca.

FRASIER RUNS TO THE STEREO

MARTIN

Did you bring the rat poison?

ROZ

Yeah, go and get your gun.

AS FRASIER STARTS TO PLAY HIS CD WE:

FADE OUT

(H)

FADE IN:

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS ELEVATOR — EVENING — DAY/2
(Daphne, Niles, Roz, Martin, Annie, Frasier, Fireman, Mechanic)

DAPHNE AND NILES SIT ON THE FLOOR AS BEFORE

DAPHNE

There are twenty-seven ceiling tiles in this lift.

NILES

Does that include the hatch?

DAPHNE

Yes.

NILES

Wow.

DAPHNE

Oh my God, I'm bored. I could never live in a box.

NILES

Well what shall we do now? We've run out of games and playing hide and seek would be a completely wasted exercise.

DAPHNE

This is our party after all.

NILES

And we'll cry if we want to?

DAPHNE

Or we could just have sex.

NILES

A far better idea.

THEY KISS

ROZ

(OFF STAGE) So how are you two doing?

DAPHNE

We were doing just fine.

ROZ

(OFF STAGE) Frasier's put his opera recordings on. That's pretty much killed the party. Not that you two being stuck in there didn't.

NILES

That's nice.

ROZ

I bet you must be getting bored now.

NILES

Not really Roz.

RESET TO:

INT. 19TH FLOOR HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

ROZ SITS ON THE FLOOR BY THE ELEVATOR DOOR AS MARTIN ENTERS

MARTIN

Roz, help me gather everyone together to play charades or something.

DAPHNE

(OFF STAGE) What a fabulous idea. Both of you go inside and have some fun.

ROZ

We can't exclude you guys.

NILES

(OFF STAGE) Oh believe me you can.

MARTIN

We can't play in there anyway what with Frasier and his opera recordings wailing on and on.

DAPHNE

(OFF STAGE) Then might I suggest going to your room?

MARTIN

No, we'll just play out here.

ROZ

I'll go and get everyone.

MARTIN

It's mainly Daphne friends, everyone else is playing air violins.

ROZ

Oh joy.

RESET TO:

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS ELEVATOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES AND DAPHNE SIT AS BEFORE

NILES

Typical.

DAPHNE

My poor little sexually frustrated baby.

NILES

It's high school all over again.

DAPHNE

Well there is one difference.

NILES

I don't have Frasier complaining about the same thing from across the room?

DAPHNE

No, this time you're on a promise for later.

SHE KISSES HIM

MARTIN

(OFF STAGE) Come on out everybody. Let's split into two teams. Ok Niles why don't you go first?

THEY BOTH STAND UP

NILES

And how are you supposed to see what I'm doing?

ANNIE

(OFF STAGE) Just do really big gestures.

NILES

Please tell me she's not that stupid.

DAPHNE

She's not that stupid.

NILES

Are you lying?

DAPHNE

Yes.

RESET TO:

INT. 19TH FLOOR HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN, ROZ AND ANNIE STAND IN THE HALL ALONG WITH OTHER PARTY GUESTS

ROZ

Daphne why don't you describe what he's doing.

DAPHNE

(OFF STAGE) Right now he's frowning and pulling a face like he's chewing on a scorpion.

ANNIE

Is it a movie? Twelve Angry Men.

NILES

(OFF STAGE) I haven't started yet. What does it have to be? A movie? A book? What?

MARTIN

Let's start with a movie.

ROZ

Nothing with subtitles.

NILES

(OFF STAGE) Fine.

DAPHNE

(OFF STAGE) He's holding up two fingers.

ANNIE

You mean swearing?

NILES

(OFF STAGE) No as in that's how many words it is.

MARTIN

Niles, you're not allowed to speak. Do it again and I'll dock your team points.

DAPHNE

(OFF STAGE) OK now I think he's swearing.

ROZ

Can we just get on with the game? Playing air violins with the wine club is becoming more appealing by the minute.

RESET TO:

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS ELEVATOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES STANDS POINTING AT HIMSELF WITH DAPHNE WATCHING

DAPHNE

He's pointing to himself.

ROZ

(OFF STAGE) Man, person, weenie, jerk.

DAPHNE

Now he's rolling his eyes.

ANNIE

(OFF STAGE) The Rolling Jerk.

DAPHNE

He's pointing to himself again.

ANNIE

(OFF STAGE) Human, male.

ROZ

(OFF STAGE) Doctor?

DAPHNE

He's giving you the thumbs up. Now he's giving the sign for the second word. And now he's shaking his head.

ANNIE

(OFF STAGE) That must mean the first words wrong. Short, guy, bloke, geeza?

ROZ

(OFF STAGE) Adult? Is he pointing to his head or his chest?

NILES

The first word was right, I'm doing the second word.

MARTIN

(OFF STAGE) That's it, Niles I'm docking your team one point for talking.

RESET TO:

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS ELEVATOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES SIGHS AND STARTS TO SHAKE HIS HEAD AS DAPHNE WATCHES

ROZ

(OFF STAGE) Now what's he doing?

NILES STOPS SHAKING HIS HEAD AND CORNERS DAPHNE IN THE ELEVATOR

DAPHNE

He's still shaking his head and...

NILES KISSES HER

ANNIE

(OFF STAGE) And what?

DAPHNE

Sorry I got a little distracted there. He's pursing his lips.

NILES KISSES HER AGAIN

RESET TO:

INT. 19TH FLOOR HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

EVERYONE LOOKS RATHER CONFUSED AS THEY THINK OF THE TITLE

ANNIE

Are you sure this isn't some sort of porn film?

FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE APARTMENT

FRASIER

What are you all doing outside here?

MARTIN

Playing charades. You go back inside and play your little musical guessing game.

FRASIER

But that isn't right. We should all be together it's a party.

ROZ

How can we all be together when two of us are stuck in an elevator?

NILES

(OFF STAGE) Don't mind us.

DAPHNE

(OFF STAGE) We're fine.

FRASIER

I have an idea. Let's all go back inside and we can have some speeches for the future Dr. and Mrs. Crane.

MARTIN

How is that possible, with them down there and us up here?

FRASIER

Niles do you still have your cell phone?

NILES

(OFF STAGE) I've hardly been anywhere to loose it Frasier.

FRASIER

Then we'll put you on speakerphone. Come on everyone in. We're going to have the speeches now.

FRASIER, MARTIN, ROZ, ANNIE AND THE REST OF THE PARTY GUESTS EXIT INSIDE

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

EVERYONE PICKS UP A GLASS AND GETS READY TO MAKE A TOAST WHILE FRASIER STANDS BY THE PHONE

MARTIN

What are you waiting for?

FRASIER

Niles to call me.

MARTIN

Why don't you just call him?

FRASIER

But what if he's trying to call me? We'll both be engaged.

MARTIN

Just call him.

FRASIER

No, I'll wait, for him to call me, I'm always calling him.

ROZ MOVES TO THE FRONT DOOR

ROZ

For God's sake. Niles are you calling Frasier, or do you want him to call you?

SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING

FRASIER PICKS UP THE PHONE

FRASIER

Hello Frasier Crane. Oh hello Niles.

FRASIER PUTS IT ON SPEAKER PHONE

NILES

Who else did you expect it to be? The Pope? Or Lilith saying she feels like torturing you and wants you to get remarried?

A FIREMAN ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR

FIREMAN

Hello, I believe you have some trouble with the...

ANNIE

The stripper's here!

ANNIE GRABS THE FIREMAN AND DRAGS HIM TO THE COUCH

FRASIER

I didn't hire a stripper.

FIREMAN

Wait I'm not a...

ANNIE

Shake that moneymaker.

ROZ TRIES TO TAKE HIS COAT OFF

FRASIER

I didn't hire a stripper! This is assault you could go to jail.

FIREMAN

I thought you had a problem with your elevator shaft.

ROZ

Oh we have.

RESET TO:

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS LOBBY — CONTINUOUS

A MECHANIC HAS A PANEL OPEN NEXT TO THE ELEVATOR DOOR AND SHINES A FLASHLIGHT INTO IT

MECHANIC

And I think we've got it.

RESET TO:

INT. 19TH FLOOR HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN AND NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER INTO THE HALLWAY. FRASIER ENTER INTO THE HALLWAY

FRASIER

Surprise!

NILES

(FAKE ENTHUSIASM) Oh my God.

DAPHNE

Oh what a surprise.

AS THEY ALL EXIT INSIDE THE APARTMENT WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

CLOSING CREDITS: THE FIREMAN EXITS INTO THE HALLWAY SHUTTING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. HE LOOKS EXTREMELY FLUSTERED DRAGGING HIS COAT ALONG THE FLOOR, HIS SUSPENDERS HANGING AROUND HIS WAIST AND HIS T-SHIRT PULLED OUT. HIS FACE IS COVERED WITH LIPSTICK MARKS. AS HE PRESSES FOR THE ELEVATOR HE PUTS HIS HAND DOWN HIS TROUSERS AND PULLS OUT A WAD OF CASH AND STARTS TO COUNT IT.