I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
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Enjoy...
Alternative Season Nine Episode Four
Dressed To Kill
By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)
ACT ONE(A)
TITLE CARD: 'THANK GOD ROZ GOT THE BIKINI'
FADE IN:
INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Frasier, Roz, Anthony (VO)
FRASIER AND ROZ SIT ON THEIR RESPECTIVE SIDES OF THE BOOTH. FRASIER IS SLUMPED SLIGHTLY IN HIS CHAIR RESTING HIS HEAD IN HIS HAND AS HE TALKS WITH A CALLER ANTHONY
FRASIER
Now Anthony, explain to me again exactly what she did. And once again let me remind you as I told Salle earlier in the programme don't draw any diagrams to help explain because I can't see them no matter how much I try to use my telepathic abilities. As I've stated before I don't have any telepathic abilities.
ANTHONY
She won't curb her dog.
FRASIER
And that's it?
ANTHONY
It's a big dog. Well I call it a dog because I don't know what the technical term for barking generically engineered super horse is. It's like I've had a herd of elephant's soil themselves on my front step. The pile is so big it has snow on the top and a couple of mountain goats. I have explorers outside my house, lining up wanting to climb it to plant a flag and get into the record books. I couldn't get out of my front door yesterday. I had to climb over the fence and clear it up with a snowplough.
FRASIER
I have a feeling you may be exaggerating slightly there.
ANTHONY
Did you see it? Did you wake up to the smell of a rendering plant outside your window? It was so strong made my eyes water.
FRASIER
Well no but...
ANTHONY
Then how do you know I'm exaggerating? I've been trying to sell my house for months and it doesn't help having that mess starring at everyone in the kisser when they try to ring on the doorbell. One guy slipped and fell head first into it, needless to say he didn't buy the house.
FRASIER
That is still no reason to go out and illegally buy an alligator and put it in her swimming pool. The woman has lost three fingers and the end of her nose and it's only been in there for three hours.
ANTHONY
But she's been asking for it.
FRASIER
She's an eighty year old arthritic nun, you shouldn't be doing things like this to her.
ANTHONY
But she keeps hurling abuse at me.
FRASIER
She has Tourette's syndrome, it's a serious medical condition.
ANTHONY
Hey, she may have immunity from God but not from me pal. Do you not think it's strange that an elderly nun can afford a house with a swimming pool? I thought they forsake all worldly possessions.
FRASIER
Well yes but...
ANTHONY
If you ask me she's had her hand in the till.
FRASIER
Are you now accusing her of stealing from the church?
ANTHONY
You haven't seen that shifty look in her eye. I wouldn't be surprised if she tries to break into my house during the night with the intention of smothering me.
FRASIER
It wouldn't surprise me if anyone tried to do that to you Anthony.
FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE LINE
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Thank you for your call. I see that we've come to the end of the show, so all that's left for me to say is, this is Dr. Frasier Crane saying have a great day Seattle and good mental health.
AS FRASIER GOES OFF THE AIR ROZ ENTERS INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH
ROZ
You've been snippy today. Let me guess another bad date? I think the time has come Frasier when you should just give up and become celibate to save yourself the stress and to save us from hearing about it. You're beginning to make my ears bleed with your constant whining. People who have seen their entire village burn down around them and are forced to sleep in a hole don't whine as much as you do.
FRASIER
I see so I should just go and be neutered?
ROZ
It's not a bad idea for a couple of reasons. Hell if it were me, I wouldn't even bother to do that. I'd be at home right now sucking on a bottle of bleach and drain cleaner. Hoping to come back in the next life as something a little less pitiful, like a earwig or a dung beetle.
FRASIER
Well thank you so much Miss. Sunshine. May I recommend that you never apply for a job on a suicide hotline? The objective is to save the callers not make them walk in front of a bus quicker. My date with Robin went extremely well thank you. We even made plans to go out together again at the end of the week.
ROZ
Then what's the matter?
FRASIER
I'm just glad it's Friday I've had enough of everyone's problems for one week. I just want to go home and relax in a lovely lavender scented warm bath.
ROZ
Oh course you do Miss but not for another hour you're not.
FRASIER
Why? Has Kenny started giving people detention for not completing their promos on time? Surely you could pin him to the ground while I make a run for it.
ROZ
We've got a meeting to discuss what we're doing for the KACL charity drive. I thought you wanted to be there to make sure they don't put you down for anything humiliating again this year.
FRASIER
What could be more humiliating then making me wearing a bright yellow chicken costume last year while I did my show? I was sweating like some sort of farm animal. That thing itched like crazy, I could barely keep my mind on my callers.
ROZ
I know you told a narcoleptic that the solution to his problems would be to get more sleep. So are you not going?
FRASIER
No, I just want to relax.
FRASIER PICKS UP HIS BRIEFCASE AND GOES TO LEAVE
ROZ
Fine well be it on your head.
FRASIER
You're still going aren't you?
ROZ
Yeah, I want to wear more then a bikini and a unicorn horn this year. So don't make out that it was the chicken suit that made you so hot and sweaty and distracted you from your callers. Your drool nearly short-circuited the phone lines.
FRASIER
Someone certainly has a high opinion of herself.
ROZ
That's right and his face whizzes around the street on the side of buses.
FRASIER
That was a nightmare day all around. It took them hours to pry Noel off the glass from where he'd been starring at you. You can still see his outline and the scratches from when they brought in the Jaws of Life to remove him. He had to be sedated. If you even say the word needle to him he starts to twitch uncontrollably. Anyway you can make sure they don't put me down for anything awful this year.
ROZ
And what exactly do I get in exchange?
FRASIER
You don't have to hear me complain about it.
FRASIER EXITS FROM THE BOOTH
ROZ
Oh joy.
AS ROZ GOES BACK INTO HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Martin, Daphne, Niles, Frasier, Roz, Eddie)
NILES AND DAPHNE LIE ON THE COUCH LOOKING ASLEEP AS MARTIN AND EDDIE ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN. MARTIN CARRIES A NEW SQUEAKY TOY AS HE SITS DOWN IN HIS CHAIR AND TRIES TO OPEN THE BAG THE TOY IS IN
MARTIN
Ok Eddie, let me just unwrap it. It's been wrapped in some old ladies hair net. But as long as the old lady isn't in it, who cares? Oh shoot I can't do it without scissors. Can one of you two help me?
DAPHNE AND NILES SPEAK WITHOUT MOVING A MUSCLE NOT EVEN OPENING THEIR EYES
DAPHNE
Does it involve moving?
MARTIN
Yeah I need some scissors.
DAPHNE
Then no. You can open the drawer from there. Just use the force Mr. Crane, use the force.
MARTIN
Oh come on help a little dog.
NILES
Fine, I'll take him to the vets in the morning he won't feel a thing.
MARTIN GLARES AT NILES
DAPHNE
I can tell without looking he's scowling at you.
MARTIN
There's that psychic ability of yours again.
NILES
Now I can tell without looking she's scowling at you.
MARTIN
Come on help an old man in need.
DAPHNE
Have you fallen?
NILES
Are you being mugged?
DAPHNE
Are you being mauled by a tiger?
MARTIN
No.
NILES
To which question?
MARTIN
All of them.
DAPHNE
Then no.
MARTIN
You'll regret this when I'm gone.
NILES GOES TO SIT UP
NILES
Oh fine. Wait I hear keys.
NILES LIES BACK DOWN
NILES (CONT'D)
Ask Frasier.
FRASIER ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR LOOKING EXTREMELY AGITATED
MARTIN
You're late.
FRASIER
That's because I was stuck behind a five-car pile up after a women braked suddenly to avoid a pigeon on the road.
MARTIN
That's a good thing to do she saved its life.
FRASIER
It was already dead.
MARTIN
How do you know?
FRASIER
Because it was already dead when I drove over it on my way to work this morning. The fact that it was smeared across the road and she had to scrape it up with a spatula should have tipped her off. How long have the sleeping beauties's been like this?
MARTIN
About an hour.
FRASIER PICKS UP ONE OF NILES' SHOES BY THE SHOELACE
FRASIER
So two sets of dirty shoes have been on my couch for an hour? It's a sign I wasn't here to supervise. Oh Niles you've trodden in some gum.
FRASIER LIFTS NILES' LEGS UP INTO THE AIR TO PULL HIS SHOES OFF
NILES
Frasier my leg doesn't actually bend that way.
MARTIN
It will from now on.
FRASIER DROPS NILES' SHOES ON THE FLOOR AND LET'S GO OF HIS LEGS CAUSING THEM TO BOUNCE OFF THE ARM OF THE COUCH
NILES
Is there any chance you can pop my hip back in place? Thank you. I'm sorry Frasier but I'm exhausted.
NILES AND DAPHNE BOTH SIT UP
FRASIER
Why?
NILES
Well if you must know, it's because of sex.
FRASIER
Oh stop complaining. There are two people...
EDDIE BARKS
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Sorry three people in here would give their right arm for what you have.
NILES
If it were me I wouldn't be complaining, I'd be crowing.
DAPHNE
It's cats.
MARTIN
You have the cast of Cats next door?
NILES
Yes Dad the sound of people singing 'Memory' has always given me sleepless nights. Hearing 'The Phantom of the Opera' has always given me convulsions. The neighbourhood cats have found a new place to meet and exchange sexual favours.
DAPHNE
Right outside the bedroom window.
FRASIER
Oh I see.
DAPHNE
So have we. If we look anymore I'm afraid of going blind.
NILES
And some of them are extremely easy. They don't stop until the sun comes up and the garbage men chase them away.
DAPHNE
It got so bad last night, I had to dig out his nasal spray because the noise was setting off his allergies.
MARTIN
Frasier can you get me the scissors from the draw please?
FRASIER GETS THEM FROM THE DRAWER AND GIVES THEM TO MARTIN WHO OPENS UP THE BAG FOR EDDIE
FRASIER
Sure what do you want them for?
MARTIN GIVES EDDIE THE TOY WHICH MAKES A LOUD SQUEAKING NOISE EVERY TIME HE BITES IT
FRASIER (CONT'D)
I forgot to ask if they were for you to perform good or evil I'll remember next time.
NILES
Oh joy, I have to contend with cats during the night, a dog and his squeaker during the day and conversations about pigeons. Is there any place I can go to escape the local wildlife.
FRASIER
Couldn't you have found him anything noisier to play with like a machine gun or a nuclear bomb?
MARTIN
Leave him alone he's having fun.
FRASIER
He'll have even more fun in a moment when I let him follow it over the balcony.
DAPHNE
What's wrong with you?
NILES
It can't possibly be as bad as my problem. Except of course if you have a group of horses showing extremely amorous behaviour outside your bedroom window.
SFX: DOORBELL
FRASIER
I'm just tired. Relaxation is just what the doctor ordered.
FRASIER CROSSES AND ANSWERS THE DOOR. ENTER ROZ
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Oh hello Roz. What are you doing here?
ROZ
I thought you might like to know about what you'll be doing for the charity drive.
FRASIER
Of course. Oh can I count on the three of you to sponsor me?
NILES
Don't we always?
MARTIN
Any chance it's a sponsored silence?
FRASIER
I'm hardly going to do a sponsored silence live on the radio.
MARTIN
I can dream can't I?
FRASIER
So what is it to be? Locked in the stocks and have wet sponges thrown at me? Sit in a bathtub full of baked beans while I do my show?
ROZ
You have to dress up like a co-worker for the day.
FRASIER
That's not so bad anything is better then that chicken suit.
DAPHNE
You've only got to wear a bow tie and pull a face like you're smelling a wet Dash hound and you could go as Gil Chesterton.
ROZ
It's not going to be that easy. It was decided in your absence that everyone should dress as the person that they're closest to at the station.
FRASIER
Which means?
ROZ
I have to dress up as you.
FRASIER
And?
ROZ
You have to dress like me.
FRASIER SUDDENLY HAS A HORRIFIED EXPRESSION PLASTERED ALL OVER HIS FACE AS MARTIN, NILES AND DAPHNE START TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY, ROZ ON THE OTHER HAND REALLY TRIES TO COMPOSE HER
MARTIN
Now I'll pay to see that.
NILES
How does a thousand dollars an hour sound?
FRASIER
There is no chance in hell...
NILES
That you're going to fit in Roz's shoes. You'll never fit in those high heels.
ROZ
Forgot my shoes, there's no way he'll fit in any of my clothes. They'll be no borrowing you can go out and buy your own teddy.
FRASIER
I am not dressing in drag even if it is for charity.
ROZ
But it's for a very worthy cause.
FRASIER
What worthy cause?
ROZ
It's for...erm...orphans.
FRASIER
I'm not doing it.
ROZ
You have to.
FRASIER
I'll speak with Kenny and get him to change his mind.
ROZ
It's too late. Gil's already made the announcement on his show and the press have been informed.
FRASIER
Oh my God.
NILES
You won't be the only one dressed like that.
ROZ
Actually he will be everyone else has same sex producers.
FRASIER
I can't do that I'm a doctor.
NILES
Then you're going to be a doctor in drag.
MARTIN
That could be your new catch phrase. 'Now not only my show is a drag.'
FRASIER
You two are just lapping this up aren't you?
NILES
Oh come on Frasier I took enough ribbing off you during prep school when I always had to play a woman. How does it feel now that the three-inch spike is on the other foot?
ROZ
Oh come on Frasier do it for your fans.
FRASIER
My fans want to see me dress in drag?
ROZ
Yeah especially Bill from Tacoma who sends you his nose hair clippings and a picture of himself in a teddy.
DAPHNE
Oh come on Dr. Crane it's not that bad. It's only while you do your show, only us and a handful of people at the station will even see you.
FRASIER
I guess you're right.
ROZ
If only she were.
FRASIER
What does that mean?
ROZ
Kenny's also organised a photo shoot during the morning.
FRASIER
Perfect. Today could not get any worse.
SUDDENLY EDDIE STARTS COUGHING BEFORE BARKING AND SQUEAKING AT THE SAME TIME AFTER HAVING EATEN THE TOY
FRASIER (CONT'D)
I was wrong.
AS FRASIER POURS HIMSELF A LARGE SHERRY WE:
FADE OUT
(C)
TITLE CARD: "CATS MEOW AND FOREVER"
FADE IN:
INT. NILES' BEDROOM — NIGHT — DAY/1
(Niles, Daphne, Man)
NILES AND DAPHNE LIE ASLEEP IN BED
SFX: THE SOUND OF CATS MEOWING
AS THE SOUND OF THE CATS STARTS TO GET LOUDER AND LOUDER NILES SUDDENLY WAKES WITH A START AND SITS UPRIGHT
NILES
(HALF ASLEEP) I don't want to ride the pony... (AWAKE) Oh my God.
NILES COLLAPSES BACK DOWN INTO BED. DAPHNE SPEAKS BUT DOESN'T MOVE
DAPHNE
What's the matter?
NILES GETS UP AND PUTS HIS DRESSING GOWN ON
NILES
Can't you hear that?
DAPHNE
Yes but I'm choosing to ignore it.
NILES
How can you ignore it? There's a cat orgy going on outside the window. (SHOUTS) Shut up! What are they doing down there?
NILES LOOKS OUTSIDE THE WINDOW
DAPHNE
Do you really need to be sat down and given the discussion on the birds and the bees? Or in this case the very randy cats?
NILES PULLS A DISGUSTED FACE AND POINTS OUT THE WINDOW
NILES
I'm sure that's illegal in forty-eight states.
DAPHNE
I don't think it states which species and even if it does I think they're referring to humans.
NILES
Look at them, they're drinking cocktails and smoking drugs. There are no red light bulbs! Be gone cat prostitutes! Please let me get some sleep.
DAPHNE
Leave them alone, they have every right to be there.
NILES
But I was here first. Wait I have an idea.
NILES EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM
DAPHNE
Like going to sleep? What are you doing now?
SFX: RUNNING WATER FROM THE BATHROOM
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
It's a bit of an ungodly hour for a shower isn't it?
NILES ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM CARRYING A VASE FULL OF WATER
NILES
Not for the cats. Here you go have a cold shower on me.
NILES OPENS THE WINDOW AND THROWS THE WATER OUT
MAN
(OFF STAGE) Hey, watch it you jerk.
NILES
I'm so sorry Miss.
MAN
(OFF STAGE) What do you mean Miss?
NILES
I mean I'm sorry Mister. I was trying to get the cats to be quiet.
MAN
(OFF STAGE) You've soaked me you jackass.
NILES
Please accept my humble apologies.
MAN
(OFF STAGE) Stay right there I'm coming up.
NILES
You'll have to find my apartment number first. I did lock the front door before I came to bed right?
NILES CLOSES THE WINDOW AND SITS ON THE END OF THE BED AS DAPHNE SITS UP
DAPHNE
Yes, why?
NILES
Just a small dispute with the cat pimp.
DAPHNE
Just an average night then.
NILES
There must be some way to get them to shut up.
DAPHNE
There is catch them all in a large net and pay to have them all neutered. You might get a volume discount.
NILES
That's a fantastic idea.
DAPHNE
I wasn't serious.
NILES
No I'll call the pound.
NILES PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS
NILES (CONT'D)
(ON THE PHONE) The number for the city pound please. Can you connect me? Thank you. Yes hello, I have a large group of cats conjugating outside of my bedroom window. What do I want you to do? Remove them. I see. Then what do you suggest I do? Scare them. Thank you very much.
NILES HANGS UP THE PHONE
NILES (CONT'D)
I have to scare them.
DAPHNE
Discuss global warming with them then.
NILES
Look at the rash the noise is brining me out in. How much sex can one cat want in a night.
DAPHNE
Well we could make this more interesting.
NILES
I'm not watching them.
DAPHNE
I meant compete. Come on we can take them.
NILES
I should hope so. I'll never live it down if we can't.
AS DAPHNE LEANS OVER AND KISSES HIM WE:
FADE OUT
(D)
FADE IN:
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE — MORNING — DAY/2
(Roz, Frasier, Server)
ROZ STARTS TO LOOK AROUND THE RACKS AT VARIOUS DRESSES ALONG WITH SEVERAL OTHER WOMEN. FRASIER HOVERS AROUND BY THE ENTRANCE NOT WANTING TO GO IN
ROZ
Frasier to purchase an outfit you actually have to come into the store. You can't try things on in the parking lot. No matter how pretty your dress is going to be.
FRASIER
Do you have any idea how ridiculous I'm going to look?
ROZ
Look at it this way, you'll get more phone numbers dressed like this.
FRASIER
Yes but for therapists.
ROZ
And electrolysis's. Are you shaving or waxing your legs?
FRASIER
Neither.
ROZ HOLDS UP A VERY LARGE FLORAL DRESS
ROZ
Oh come on Frasier it's for charity.
FRASIER
Yes and in that I'll look a certain charity case. Nothing with pleats I don't want to give off too much of a conservative vibe.
ROZ
Sure because that's the vibe people will pick up first. We have to find you something, we want you to look like a pretty girl after all now don't we? How's this look?
ROZ HOLDS UP A BLACK DRESS
FRASIER
Fine now just pay for it and let's get out of here.
ROZ
You have to try it on, what if it doesn't fit. I don't want to see you bursting out of it on the other side of the glass. Especially as you're refusing to wear underwear.
FRASIER
It's bad enough I have to wear a dress, I am not squeezing into and falling out of a bra and a pair of panties as well. I don't think any of these are going to fit me.
ROZ
Sure they will. Eastern European shot putters have to buy their clothes somewhere. And that's exactly what you'll look like if you don't shave. And if we don't find you anything, there's a camping store next door, we'll just buy you a tent, a box of sequins and a tube of glue.
FRASIER HOLDS UP A RED DRESS
FRASIER
This is nice.
ROZ
But that slits a little too high. I know you're revealing your feminine side but you don't want to reveal too much. We don't want little Frasier to make an appearance in front of the cameras. Let's get some help, they'll be able to point us to the larger sizes.
FRASIER
We most certainly will not, I have a reputation to protect, what will tell them?
ROZ
The truth. That you're going through a midlife crisis and you want to experiment a little. And it's either this or a leopard skin thong and some hiking boots.
A SERVER WALKS PAST
FRASIER
Roz, don't you dare.
FRASIER HIDES BEHIND A MANIKIN
ROZ
Hi, I'm trying to find an everyday housedress but I can't find any to fit on the racks.
SERVER
I don't see why ma'am, we should have plenty...
ROZ
It's not for me, it's for that large man hiding behind the manikin and sweating a lot. Frasier get out here.
THE SERVER LOOKS FRASIER UP AND DOWN
FRASIER
This is not what you think.
SERVER
Of course not Sir, now is this your first dress? Or do you have a history of wearing women's garments?
FRASIER
Yes it is my first dress.
SERVER
Then you'll want something stylish but also comfortable. Maybe we should also look towards finding you something that will enhance your bust but reduce your posterior. I think I've got just the thing.
ROZ
Frasier I'm going to look for some blush and lip-gloss for you.
ROZ GOES TO LEAVE
FRASIER
Don't you dare leave me alone!
ROZ
But we have a lot to do. We have to get you a wig as well.
FRASIER
Oh and that will be the crowning touch. Come back here.
ROZ
Can you sort him out with some stockings and shoes as well please? Preferably some three-inch spikes.
AS ROZ EXITS, THE SERVER TAKES FRASIER BY THE HAND AND LEADS HIM TOWARDS THE CHANGING ROOMS AND WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO(E)
FADE IN:
INT. NILES' BEDROOM — NIGHT — DAY/2
(Niles, Daphne)
SFX: SOUND OF CATS MEOWING
NILES AND DAPHNE ONCE AGAIN BOTH LIE ASLEEP IN BED. NILES' EYES SUDDENLY OPEN AND A SMILE CREEPS ACROSS HIS FACE. HE THEN STROKES DAPHNE ON THE SIDE OF THE HEAD
NILES
I thought you were asleep.
DAPHNE
I was so stop stroking me in the head.
NILES
I love it when you do that to my feet. Wait a second are you wearing socks in bed?
DAPHNE
What are you talking about? I'm not doing anything. You're hallucinating again go to sleep you silly sod.
NILES EYES SUDDENLY BECOME WIDE
NILES
Daphne don't move, there's something in the bed. It's rubbing itself up my legs. (THEN) Stop joking around it is you isn't it?
DAPHNE
Honestly it's not, look.
DAPHNE GETS OUT OF BED
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
I don't have two sets of feet. And I definitely don't keep a feather duster at the end of the bed. Well not anymore anyway.
NILES SUDDENLY LEAPS OUT OF BED
NILES
Oh my God. What is it? It's a burglar.
DAPHNE
A small fury burglar has broken into your apartment, but before he could steal anything got distracted by the sight of you looking all adorable asleep and felt compelled to climb into bed and rub himself up your feet?
NILES
Yes, why is that so hard to believe?
DAPHNE GOES TO REMOVE THE COVERS TO SEE WHAT IT IS
DAPHNE
Let me move this...
NILES STOPS HER BEFORE SHE GETS NEAR IT
NILES
Daphne don't, let me do it. Get behind me.
DAPHNE SIGHS BEFORE STANDING BEHIND NILES. HE THEN SWALLOWS, PLUCKS UP THE COURAGE AND EDGES CLOSER TO THE BED. IN ONE FAST MOVEMENT HE PULLS THE COVERS OFF THE BED TO REVEAL A CAT CURLED UP AT THE BOTTOM
DAPHNE
You've been molested by a cat, there's a story we can tell the Grandchildren.
NILES
Haven't you cats caused me enough trouble? Get out! That's the last time I leave the window open.
NILES PICKS THE CAT UP AND PUTS IT OUT OF THE WINDOW ONTO THE FIRE ESCAPE AND CLOSES THE WINDOW
DAPHNE
What is going on down there?
NILES AND DAPHNE BOTH LEAN UP THE WINDOW
NILES
They're all fighting. So either the cat Police were called in or they're re-enacting A West Side Story. I don't think I can take this noise any longer.
DAPHNE GETS BACK INTO BED
DAPHNE
Put your earplugs in. Glue them in if you have to.
NILES
I have them in.
DAPHNE
Just ignore them.
NILES
I can't. Just please stop having sex, is that too much to ask?
THE NOISE OF THE CATS SUDDENLY BECOMES LOUDER
NILES (CONT'D)
Apparently it is. How can you sleep through this?
DAPHNE
It's quite simple I just get into bed and close my eyes. Can I suggest that you do the same before I smother you?
NILES
You must have some secret.
DAPHNE
I'm just not a light sleeper. A nuclear bomb could go off outside the window and I probably wouldn't wake up.
NILES
That's because you'd be instantly killed in the explosion.
DAPHNE
Come on back to bed.
NILES
I can't not while they're all pleasuring each other.
DAPHNE
Let's just move to another room. Better still let's just go to your brothers.
NILES
I will not be driven from my home by a group of cats.
DAPHNE
Good for you. I'm going to sleep across the hall.
DAPHNE PICKS UP A PILLOW, KISSES NILES BEFORE EXITING. NILES THEN MOVES TO THE WINDOW
NILES
Do you see what you've done now? Your sex life is ruining mine.
AS NILES COLLAPSES ON THE BED AS WE:
FADE OUT
(F)
TITLE CARD: 'SOME LIKE IT NOT'
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/3
(Martin, Daphne, Niles, Roz, Frasier, Eddie)
MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR WITH EDDIE ON HIS LAP AS DAPHNE POLISHES THE TABLE AND NILES POURS HIMSELF A CUP OF COFFEE
MARTIN
The vet said he'll just pass it out in a couple of days.
DAPHNE
Are they sure?
NILES
Either that or it'll kill him.
MARTIN AND DAPHNE BOTH GLARE AT NILES
NILES (CONT'D)
I'm hoping for the former.
MARTIN
How's your cat problem?
NILES
Even worse, it now seems I have every cat from the state out there. It's turning into a full-blown cat key party. But instead of keys it's pieces of kitty Kibble. I feel like I live next door to a cat brothel.
EDDIE JUMPS OFF MARTIN'S LAP AND SITS NEXT TO NILES AS HE SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH
NILES (CONT'D)
Oh Eddie get away. I've had enough of your fury kind. (THINKS) Hey Dad, has Eddie ever been on a sleep over? I have some friends I'd like to introduce him too.
SFX: DOORBELL
DAPHNE CROSSES AND OPENS THE DOOR. ROZ ENTERS DRESSED IN A EXPENSIVE LOOKING MEN'S SUIT AND A WIG THAT LOOKS LIKE FRASIER'S HAIR
DAPHNE
Well good morning Dr. Crane.
ROZ
Morning Daphne, I'm glad that you're awake, you can polish my candlesnuffer it's a little dusty.
DAPHNE
I'm not really sure that's in my job description.
MARTIN
You look great.
NILES
You've even got the receding hairline.
ROZ
I know I already feel the need to become celibate.
NILES
My God it's a miracle.
ROZ SLAPS NILES ACROSS THE ARM
ROZ
Is the wonderfully, talented Roz Doyle ready yet?
DAPHNE
No not yet. The last time I went to check on him all I could hear was screaming coming from the bathroom.
NILES
Screaming?
DAPHNE
Yeah he's either waxing his legs or slaughtering a pig in there. Either way I'm not looking forward to cleaning up the mess.
ROZ GOES TO EXIT TOWARDS FRASIER'S ROOM
ROZ
I'd better go and see if he wants any help with his make-up. Hey Frasier...
FRASIER
(OFF STAGE) Stay away from me Roz.
NILES
(TO ROZ) Frasier can I get you a sherry?
ROZ
Oh yes please and while we drink let me harp on about my pathetic love life.
FRASIER
(OFF STAGE) I heard that.
MARTIN
So are you going to come in or what?
FRASIER
(OFF STAGE) I'm thinking about it.
NILES
Well don't think, just do it.
FRASIER
(OFF STAGE) But you'll laugh at me.
ROZ
We won't we promise, I look just as silly as you will.
MARTIN
I wouldn't put money on it.
DAPHNE
Oh come on Dr. Crane if my Uncle Jackie can stand up in front of his congregation in a floral dress and a pair of flip-flops you can certainly come in here.
FRASIER
(OFF STAGE) Do you promise you won't laugh?
MARTIN
Frasier just get out here.
FRASIER ENTERS WEARING AN AWFUL FLORAL DRESS, A PAIR OF STOCKING, HIGH HEELS AND A WIG THAT IS TIED IN BUNCHES. EVERYONE TAKES ONE LOOK AT HIM AND STARTS TO ROLL AROUND LAUGHING
FRASIER
Thank you all so much.
MARTIN
Who the hell did your make-up, Picasso?
FRASIER
Well you try putting eyeliner on without poking yourself in the eye, it's not easy.
NILES
Which is surprising because it makes you look extremely easy.
DAPHNE
What happened to your pantyhose?
FRASIER
I put my thumb through them, because I can't get the damn things stay up. My crotch keeps falling past my kneecaps.
FRASIER GRABS HOLD OF HIS PANTYHOSE AND BATTLES IN VAIN TO PULL THEM UP
NILES
Would you like to borrow my suspenders?
FRASIER
I'm so glad you all find my humiliation so humorous.
ROZ
(AMAZED) Have you stuffed your bra?
FRASIER
I had to, it looked too loose, I didn't want to look stupid.
MARTIN
Yeah because that would have done it.
DAPHNE
They don't look very even.
FRASIER
What does that mean?
DAPHNE
Your right boob is significantly larger then your left.
ROZ
Let's have a look. I know why don't we just push them together and make one good one?
ROZ PUTS HER HAND DOWN FRASIER'S DRESS
FRASIER
Roz, this is hard enough as it is without being made fun of.
ROZ
There you go. Is there no end to my talents, a psychiatrist and I can give a good boob job as well.
MARTIN GETS A HAND FULL OF LETTERS OFF THE ISLAND
MARTIN
Oh Frasier I nearly forgot, your mail.
NILES
Well that's certainly open to debate.
FRASIER TAKES THE LETTERS AND SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH RUBBING HIS FEET
FRASIER
Thank you Dad. I'll tell you one thing, I bet the person who invented high-heeled shoes wasn't a woman. They are the most uncomfortable things I have ever had on in my life.
ROZ
Look at that, you're having mood swings already. Oh stop pulling a face. This isn't exactly very flattering to me, that's who you're supposed to look like after all.
MARTIN
Where did you get that wig? Did you pull it out of a swimming pool drain?
FRASIER
Actually I thought the pigtails suited me.
ROZ
But it makes you look like that girl off Gilligan's Island.
NILES
Of course that's it. You look like Mary-Anne on crack. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.
FRASIER
That's it, I'm not taking any more of this abuse.
FRASIER GETS UP AND GOES TO LEAVE
DAPHNE
And you think you'll get less from strangers?
MARTIN
Oh come on Fras, we're only joking. You look great and remember this is for a very worthy cause.
FRASIER
You're right. So do I really look OK?
ROZ
You look fine, quite an attractive women.
FRASIER
Really?
NILES GETS UP AND TRIES TO HUG FRASIER
NILES
Of course, I suddenly have the need to stroke your thigh and nibble your ear. Would you join me for dinner sometime?
FRASIER
Get away from me.
FRASIER AND ROZ EXIT OUT THE FRONT DOOR WITH FRASIER SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.
A BEAT
FRASIER RE-ENTERS AND PICKS UP A PINK PURSE FROM OFF THE CONSOLE BEFORE EXITING AGAIN AS WE:
FADE OUT
(G)
FADE IN:
INT. RADIO STUDIO HALLWAY — AFTERNOON — DAY/3
(Frasier, Roz, Kenny, Gil)
FRASIER, STILL DRESSED AS ROZ, AND ROZ, STILL DRESSED AS FRASIER, STAND OUTSIDE THE STUDIO HALLWAY DOOR. FRASIER KEEPS PEERING INSIDE THE HALLWAY
FRASIER
I'm not going in there.
ROZ
Yes you are.
ROZ WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR AND HOLDS IT OPEN FOR FRASIER WHO CONTINUES TO HIDE
FRASIER
I am not and you can't make me.
ROZ
I look ridiculous as well.
FRASIER
But at least you're wearing pants.
ROZ
Oh my God, please tell me you're wearing underpants under that dress.
FRASIER
Of course I am. Could you imagine what a strong gust of wind would do to my reputation?
ROZ
Extend it probably.
ROZ SLOWLY GUIDES FRASIER INTO THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE STUDIO
FRASIER
Do you always have to talk about sex?
ROZ
And a psychiatrist is asking me this. Everything you say to your caller's starts in the crotch.
KENNY ENTERS FROM AROUND THE CORNER DRESSED IN THE CHICKEN COSTUME
KENNY
Hi Roz, you look great. Wow. (JOKING) Who's your friend?
FRASIER
Who do you think it is?
KENNY
Doc, you make one ugly women.
FRASIER
That's a real boost to my confidence thanks Kenny.
GIL ENTERS FROM THE BOOTH DRESSED AS NOEL AND IS IMMEDIATELY DRAWN TO FRASIER LIKE A MOTH TO A FLAME
GIL
Oh my God Frasier!
FRASIER
Hello Gil.
GIL
Why you look fabulous.
FRASIER
I appreciate your kindness but I know I'm hardly the prettiest girl in the playground.
GIL
With that wig and in a darken light, you share an uncanny resemblance to Deb.
ROZ
Deb?
GIL
My wife. I've often noted you have a similar build. What a lovely wig. Long hair really suits you, have you ever considered growing your own?
FRASIER
No I can't say I have.
GIL
And the way you fill out that dress, oh my!
FRASIER
Its just tissue paper.
GIL
Well I should be running along. I'll see you later Frasier.
GIL EXITS AROUND THE CORNER CHECKING OUT FRASIER'S BEHIND AS HE GO
FRASIER
Was it just me or was Gil hitting on me.
ROZ
Oh come on, he's probably left to smoke a cigarette and find a priest to confess to.
KENNY
Well you can no longer doubt your sexual appeal as a woman.
FRASIER AND ROZ EXIT INTO THE BOOTH
RESET TO:
INT. RADIO BOOTH - CONTINUOUS
FRASIER SITS DOWN IN HIS CHAIR AS ROZ GOES INTO HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH
FRASIER
I am not wearing this any longer. Those photographers nearly pulled a hernia laughing at me. I will not be subjected to this humiliation a moment longer.
ROZ
But think of all those poor puppies you're doing this for.
FRASIER
What puppies?! You told me it was for orphans.
ROZ
It is. Orphaned dogs. Those poor puppies have no parents, because of you they stand a chance of having a normal life. Abandoned puppies hardly ever chase their tails or fetch sticks but they will now.
FRASIER
Well then I can barely contain myself.
ROZ
I know that dress is way too small. Oh come on you big baby. You only have to sit through your show.
FRASIER STANDS TO CLOSE THE BOOTH DOOR
FRASIER
I guess you're right. What could possibly happen to me?
KENNY AND GIL WALK PAST THE DOOR
KENNY
You've got another run in your pantyhose.
GIL
Oh so you have. I have a needle and thread in the car maybe I could...
GIL BENDS DOWN AND TRIES TO CLOSE THE RIP IN HIS PANTYHOSE
FRASIER
Unless the end of that sentence was sow me a pair of pants and a shirt, you can get the hell away from me.
FRASIER SHUTS THE DOOR AND SITS BACK DOWN
ROZ
Just relax.
FRASIER
I will do as soon as I get these shoes off. (THEN) Oh fantastic.
FRASIER TRIES TO TAKE HIS SHOES OFF BUT SUDDENLY BOLTS UPRIGHT
ROZ
What's the matter now?
FRASIER
My bra's popped undone and now my breasts are roaming free.
ROZ ENTERS INTO FRASIER'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH
ROZ
Well that's what happens when a women reaches your age. By your next birthday they'll be down by your ankles like your pantyhose. You should have brought a leash.
FRASIER
Can I have a little less of the mocking and a little more help please?
ROZ
Oh fine, what do you want me to do?
FRASIER STANDS UP AS THE ON AIR LIGHT COMES ON IN THE BOOTH
FRASIER
I'll hold them in place you hook my bra together.
FRASIER HOLDS HIS TISSUES IN PLACE AS ROZ TRIES TO DO UP HIS BRA
ROZ
Oh fine but I'm sure this isn't in my job description. Frasier is this is going to work you've got to push them closer together.
FRASIER
I thought the whole idea was lift and separate, not push them together.
ROZ
But you're a man wearing a bra and a dress, I don't think there are any rules here.
KENNY ENTERS
KENNY
Erm...guys.
FRASIER
Not now Kenny.
ROZ
If you really want to help, pull his pantyhose up. His crotch is down by his ankles again.
KENNY
Dr. Crane we're on the air.
FRASIER
Thank you Kenny.
KENNY
Do you still want help with your pantyhose?
FRASIER
No, thank you Kenny.
AS KENNY EXITS AND FRASIER SLUMPS DOWN IN HIS CHAIR AND PUTS HIS HEADPHONES ON, WE:
FADE OUT
(H)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S BEAMER — AFTERNOON — DAY/3
(Frasier, Jerry, Sandy, Policeman, Robin)
FRASIER DRIVES HIS CAR, STILL IN HIS DRESS BUT WITHOUT HIS WIG
FRASIER
(SHOUTING OUT THE WINDOW) What are you doing? It was a pigeon. There are more flowers on the side of the road for a dead bird then when JFK was assassinated. What is wrong with the world? Maybe I could answer that better when I'm not dressed as a woman.
FRASIER'S CAR SUDDENLY COMES TO A GRINDING HALT
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Oh great. Perfect.
FRASIER GETS OUT OF HIS CAR
RESET TO:
EXT. STREET — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER GETS OUT OF HIS CAR
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Why don't you just cut out the middleman and just hit me with lightening right here and now, please put me out of my misery.
A CAR DRIVES PAST AND SPLASHES A PUDDLE ALL OVER FRASIER
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Or alternatively get passing cars to drown me.
SANDY COMES RUNNING OUT OF THE NEXT BUILDING WITH JERRY FOLLOWING
JERRY
Oh come on Sandy, I didn't mean it.
SANDY
I don't care, stay away from me.
SANDY EXITS AROUND THE CORNER
JERRY
It's just your hormones talking. Ooh probably shouldn't have said that. (TO HIMSELF) What is wrong with women at the moment?
FRASIER
It beats the hell out of me. Oh what's the problem?
JERRY GIVES FRASIER A FRIGHTENED LOOK AND EXITS BACK INTO THE BUILDING
FRASIER (CONT'D)
You've never seen a man in a dress before?
FRASIER POPS OPEN THE HOOD AND STARES INTO IT AS A POLICEMAN ENTERS FROM ACROSS THE STREET
POLICEMAN
Do you need any help there ma'am?
FRASIER
Yes thank you.
POLICEMAN
I thought you did.
FRASIER
Thank you so much.
POLICEMAN
My wife is a plastic surgeon here's her number.
THE POLICEMAN GIVE FRASIER A CARD AND EXITS BACK ACROSS THE STREET. FRASIER THEN TURNS HIS ATTENTION BACK TO HIS CAR AS ROBIN ENTERS FROM THE ADJACENT BUILDING
FRASIER
Oh Robin, hi.
ROBIN
(SHOCKED) Frasier?
FRASIER
It's so nice to see you. Are we still on for Friday night?
ROBIN
Frasier you're wearing a dress.
FRASIER
Not to mention high heels and a wig.
A BEAT
ROBIN
I have to go now.
ROBIN TURNS AND RUNS DOWN THE STREET
FRASIER
No, Robin I can explain this.
AS FRASIER SIGHS AND GETS HIS PHONE OUT OF HIS CAR WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWOCLOSING CREDITS: NILES ENTERS INTO HIS BEDROOM CARRYING EDDIE UNDER HIS ARM. HE THEN OPENS THE WINDOW AND HOLDS EDDIE ON THE LEDGE. EDDIE THEN BEGINS TO BARK AND AFTER A MOMENT NILES SMILES AND STROKES EDDIE'S HEAD. REALISING THAT HE'S BEEN TOUCHING EDDIE WITH HIS BARE HANDS NILES LETS GO OF EDDIE LEAVING HIM ON THE WINDOW SILL AND WIPES HIS HANDS WITH HIS HANDKERCHIEF. SUDDENLY EDDIE JUMPS OFF THE SILL AND OUT OF THE WINDOW. SEEING THAT EDDIE HAS GONE NILES LEANS OUT THE WINDOW. DAPHNE ENTERS AS NILES SPINS AROUND AND PRETENDS NOTHING HAS HAPPENED
