I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
Marissa, even though you're evil and my budgie is on his way to get you, I've included a treat for you in this one.
To stand a chance of winning a bag of badger's noses send feedback to Kelly_simba@hotmail.com
Enjoy...
Alternative Season Nine Episode Five
The Seven Hour Itch
By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)
ACT ONE(A)
TITLE CARD: 'ONCE BITTEN, TWICE SHY'
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/1
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne, Eddie)
MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR WITH EDDIE ON HIS LAP. HE INSPECTS EDDIE VERY CLOSELY, PUSHING HIS FUR IN ALL DIRECTIONS. HE THEN PUTS HIS GLASSES ON AND HAS AN EVEN CLOSER LOOK. FRASIER AND NILES ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN. THE MOMENT THEY SEE MARTIN THEY STOP AND STARE
FRASIER
Dad what are you doing? You're acting strangely even for you.
NILES
You know that's not how you appraise a dog don't you? In fact I don't even think it's possible to appraise a dog.
MARTIN
I'm just looking at Eddie.
FRASIER
For any particular reason? Other then you need a hobby fast before you start running around the park in your underwear, biting the heads off pigeons and meowing at old ladies. Or even worse taking Eddie's temperature with your finger and counting his teeth with your tongue.
FRASIER HANDS NILES A CUP OF COFFEE OFF THE TABLE AND THEY BOTH SIT ON THE COUCH
NILES
How do you know grooming your dog like a spider monkey isn't a hobby? You're not as in touch with the common man as you think you are Frasier. You thought those squggey guys on the street were doing community service.
FRASIER
Well to be fair two of them are after I refused to give them any money and they smashed my windshield with their foreheads. And you're hardly the friend to the common man you couldn't be anymore elitist.
NILES
People get all sorts of strange notions about me just because I have a personal shopper and had an electric fence, mansion, gardener, maid, cook and several other servants at my beck and call twenty-four hours a day.
MARTIN
I just want to get to know him a little better. There's a whole side of Eddie I don't know. Hey did you know that his skin is pink under all this fur?
FRASIER
Really? I'd have thought it would have been green or possibly a shade of light mauve. Maybe even sky blue pink with a rhubarb spot.
MARTIN GLARES AT FRASIER
NILES
Or possibly that bright red colour you're turning now. If you don't breathe soon all your blood vessels will burst in your face Dad.
FRASIER
So Niles how goes the...
MARTIN SUDDENLY SLAPS HIS CHEEK
FRASIER (CONT'D)
(ALARMED) Dad what are you doing?
MARTIN
Just slapping my cheek.
FRASIER
Why?
MARTIN
I wanted to play a tune. I wonder if I can play The Star Spangled Banner this way. I know I can play the theme to Bonanza, I practice doing that while sitting in the bath when Eddie gets out and dries off on your bed.
FRASIER
What?!
NILES
(SOTTO TO FRASIER) For Freddie's and any other future child's sake let's hope that those genes died with Dad and they haven't simply skipped a generation.
FRASIER
Anyway how are the wedding plans coming along?
NILES
Everything is still in its early stages right now. I must admit I had no idea there was so much to do. Like getting rabbis certificates and electronic pet passports inserted in the necks of all of Daphne's brothers.
MARTIN
How is that possible? You've been married twice.
NILES
When I got married to Mel all I had to do was show up, get her a Prozac, and change my jacket, change my pants, change my tie, change my shirt and my shoes and socks...
FRASIER
It's just a pity you didn't change your bride.
NILES
I did.
FRASIER
It would have been more ideal if you had done it before the actual wedding ceremony not after. It would have saved several months of torment and several minor stokes.
DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM AND SITS NEXT TO NILES ON THE COUCH
NILES
Nothing I ever do is good enough for you is it?
MARTIN
When you married Maris you had a proper wedding.
NILES
But once again all I had to do was show up, I had no choices about anything.
FRASIER
That's not strictly true, you had the choice about saying 'I do.' You just made the wrong choice and took a wrong turn in a really bad neighbourhood.
NILES
Hardly. Her father was standing in the corner with a shotgun. I didn't know if he'd shoot me if I said yes, or shoot me if I said no. In the end I just mumbled something completely incoherent and let the reverend decide, and cringed as I waited for a bullet shaped hole to appear in the back of my head.
DAPHNE
Well my mother still hasn't forgiven or believed you yet so there's every chance you'll be thinking the same thing this time. Only she'll have a stun gun, a bucket of glue soaked bird feed and a group of extremely violent pigeons. Which reminds me I really should write to my old boyfriend John and see if he's been able to afford that new glass eye yet. I still feel guilty.
MARTIN SUDDENLY SLAPS HIS ARM
FRASIER
Dad what is wrong with you?
MARTIN
Haven't you ever wanted to slap yourself?
FRASIER
I can't say I've ever been compelled to do that.
MARTIN
Well then you're the only person who doesn't want to slap you. You know what I think I'm going to give Eddie another bath.
MARTIN PUTS EDDIE ON THE FLOOR AND STANDS UP
DAPHNE
Another one? He's had more baths then I've had hot dinners recently. There's enough dog hair down that plughole to knit yourself a sweater or at the very least a tiny motorised dog.
FRASIER
One dog is more then enough thank you
MARTIN
But he likes it.
EDDIE THEN RUNS ACROSS TO THE CHAIR BY THE CREDENZA AND HIDES HIS FACE
NILES
Of course he does. That high-pitched squeal gives it away every time.
FRASIER
He loves it so much he's willing to throw himself over the balcony. I felt the same way about Lilith.
MARTIN
Trust me, we all did.
MARTIN EXITS TOWARDS HIS ROOM
DAPHNE
Which by the way, will Lilith be expecting to come to the wedding? I need to know if I'll be having one of me psychic headaches and be unconscious or not when I walk up the isle. I want to know beforehand if I'm going to have to have my photo's touched up, so that I'm not lopsided and drooling. I'm already going to have to do it so me mother isn't scowling and me brothers aren't drunk and glassy eyed with vomit down their shirts.
FRASIER
She did mention travelling over with Freddie, yes.
MARTIN ENTERS AND PICKS UP EDDIE OFF THE CHAIR
NILES
Then they'll be no need to order any ice sculptures.
MARTIN
Oh Lilith's going to the wedding?
MARTIN EXITS WITH EDDIE TOWARDS HIS ROOM
NILES
Right well I have a patient, so I'll see you later. Bye.
DAPHNE WALKS NILES TO THE DOOR, THEY AD-LIB GOODBYES BEFORE THEY KISS AND NILES EXITS. DAPHNE THEN WALKS TOWARDS FRASIER
DAPHNE
Dr. Crane has something bitten you?
FRASIER THEN EXAMINES HIS ARM
FRASIER
It looks like it. I have been itching a lot recently. I wonder what's done it.
DAPHNE
One thing for certain, we know it's not a woman.
AS DAPHNE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN AND FRASIER GLARES AFTER HER, WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
TITLE CARD: 'THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST NEVER HAD THIS PROBLEM'
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/2
(Roz, Frasier, Niles)
FRASIER AND NILES SIT IN NERVOSA DRINKING THEIR COFFEE AS ROZ ENTERS AND IMMEDIATELY SITS DOWN WITH THEM. FRASIER HAS QUITE A FEW TINY BITE MARKS ON HIS FACE AND ARMS
ROZ
Can I borrow your broom?
FRASIER
My broom?
ROZ
Yeah, you know that wooden thing you pay Daphne to sweep the floor with because it's beneath you.
NILES
Planning on taking a vacation? Be careful you don't fall off.
ROZ
No, smart man. I have new neighbours living above me.
FRASIER
And you want to sweep their house for them? A basket of fruit and a nice smile would be sufficient Roz. Not even Martha Stewart would sweep their apartment.
NILES
Or alternatively you could do what you always do and just sleep with them. Just so they don't feel left out.
FRASIER
I don't think Martha Stewart would do that either.
ROZ
All I want is for them to stop having sex so loudly at all hours of the day and night. It's like I'm trapped in some very poor repetitive porn film.
NILES
And a broom will help your problem.
ROZ
I'm hoping so yes. I can't cope with hearing the adventures of Hairy Bear and Kitty-kins anymore.
NILES
So you're thinking what? The joy and experience of being able to sweep their own apartment will mean they'll leave each other alone?
FRASIER
I salute your optimism.
ROZ
I'm going to bang the ceiling with it.
FRASIER
I see you still can't get a date? Well if you can't have a man a broom will at least be something. Just be careful of splinters.
ROZ
You're just jealous, I've dated more people then you.
NILES
Who hasn't? You've probably dated more people then the entire population of this coffee house has combined.
ROZ
I have to do something fast, Alice is beginning to ask too many questions and her toy rabbit seems to be taking the brunt of it. And even though she's only three I know she's not buying that they're having trampoline competitions.
FRASIER
Maybe this loud amorous behaviour is a kind of revenge.
ROZ
Why because of all the screaming?
NILES
If it's all the same to you I don't want to know all the gory details of your sex life.
ROZ
I was referring to Alice crying. My God you finally get a sex life and that's all you talk about. I on the other hand think that sex is a lot like oxygen, you don't need it until you're not getting any.
FRASIER
I'd noticed you'd been turning blue recently.
ROZ
And it explains why you pass out so often. So can I borrow your broom or not?
NILES
You don't have one of your own?
ROZ
When the decision came about whether to buy a new broom or food so that my child and I could eat, I chose the food. Just call me crazy.
FRASIER
Of course you can Roz but I don't have it with me.
ROZ
So you do remove it from your backside before you go out.
FRASIER
Just for that, you can't borrow it.
ROZ
Could you be a bigger baby?
FRASIER
I'm not the baby, you are.
ROZ
Am not.
FRASIER
Are so.
ROZ
What is wrong with your face? You look as if you've been bitten.
NILES
She's right. You know I've noticed something similar all over Daphne recently.
NILES SUDDENLY PUTS TWO AND TWO TOGETHER AND GETS FIVE WHICH MAKES HIS MOUTH DROP OPEN AND HE STARES AT FRASIER
FRASIER
Oh Niles close your mouth. Daphne and I have not been biting each other. I think it must be mosquitos.
ROZ
In October?
FRASIER
Cold weather, wind and rain mosquitos. Have you never heard of them?
NILES
Has anyone?
AS THEY CONTINUE TO CHATTER WE:
FADE OUT
(C)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/2
(Martin, Daphne, Frasier)
DAPHNE STANDS BY THE COUCH, COMPLETELY STILL, HOLDING A ROLLED UP NEWSPAPER ABOVE HER HEAD, STARING INTENSELY AT A COUCH CUSHION AS MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM
MARTIN
What are you doing? You look as if you've taken up some epileptic form of karate.
DAPHNE
Something keeps biting me.
MARTIN
Oh I see and you think if you learn karate, Niles will be too scared and stop it?
DAPHNE
It's not Niles it's some sort of bug. You can't tell me you haven't noticed. They were hoping all around the breakfast table this morning. Half a dozen of them drowned in the milk in your cereal. You've got bites all up your arms and Dr. Crane is covered in them. If you concentrate really hard you can see them bounce around the furniture.
MARTIN
Oh all right, but you have to swear not to tell Frasier.
DAPHNE
What is it?
MARTIN
Eddie has fleas.
DAPHNE
(SHOUTS) Fleas?
MARTIN
Keep your voice down.
DAPHNE
He's at the station, I know he's a nosy washerwoman but I don't think even his hearing is that good. Well how's he caught fleas?
MARTIN
From another dog at the park I guess. He didn't spend all his allowance buying them at the pet store you know.
DAPHNE
Well what are you going to do about it?
MARTIN
I bought you this.
MARTIN GETS A SMALL BOX OFF THE ISLAND AND GIVES IT TO DAPHNE BEFORE SITTING DOWN IN HIS CHAIR
DAPHNE
Fair enough buying me jewellery will keep me quiet about it, but he'll twig what's biting him soon. But thanks anyway. You shouldn't have.
DAPHNE OPENS THE BOX
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
And I see you haven't.
DAPHNE PRODUCES A SMALL RED BAND FROM THE BOX
MARTIN
It's a flea collar.
DAPHNE
Why have you bought me a flea collar?
MARTIN
So they won't bite you anymore. I'm wearing one as well. They make quite nice anklets. As long as you colour coordinate your socks.
MARTIN LIFTS UP HIS LEG AND ROLLS UP HIS TROUSERS TO REVEAL A COLLAR
MARTIN (CONT'D)
But don't put them around your neck, they're a little tight, I nearly passed out when I tried it. I've got one for Eddie and Frasier as well.
DAPHNE
How are you going to put this on him without him noticing?
MARTIN
I'm going to do it when he's distracted eating his dinner.
DAPHNE
I meant Dr. Crane.
MARTIN
So did I.
DAPHNE
But you can still see them jumping around the apartment. Do these collars eventually give you troll blindness because I don't see how it'll work otherwise.
FRASIER ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR WHICH STARTLES BOTH MARTIN AND DAPHNE CAUSES THEM TO SPIN AROUND FACING THE DOOR, BEFORE PLASTERING RIDICULOUS GRINS ON THEIR FACES AND FREEZING
FRASIER
What are you two up to?
MARTIN
(DEFENSIVELY) Nothing.
DAPHNE
(DEFENSIVELY) What makes you think that?
FRASIER
Well I choose to interpret everyone freezing and putting a fake goofy smile on their face when I come home as suspicious. Shotguns and dead relatives are also a giveaway. Has Niles been crammed into the oven with a knife sticking out of his back? Because you better not have let him bleed on my carpets.
MARTIN HELPS FRASIER ONTO THE COUCH
MARTIN
Don't be silly. Now come on sit down and let's get you all comfy and take those shoes off. You've had a hard day. You need to relax.
FRASIER
(CONCERNED) Am I dying?
MARTIN
Can't I try to help my son?
MARTIN SNEAKS A FLEA COLLAR OUT OF HIS POCKET AND LIFTS UP FRASIER'S LEG REMOVING HIS SHOES
FRASIER
Not when it begins to creep me out. What are you doing?
MARTIN TRIES TO GET THE COLLAR ON HIS FOOT
MARTIN
These are lovely socks. They feel so nice.
FRASIER SHAKES MARTIN OFF BEFORE HE CAN GET THE COLLAR ON HIM
DAPHNE
(HURRIEDLY) What's the time please Dr. Crane?
FRASIER
(LOOKS AT WATCH) Ten after six.
DAPHNE
Can I check for myself?
FRASIER
Why?
DAPHNE
I just want to see what time it is at home and I don't want to trouble you having to do the math. Too much thinking is bad for the mind, you wouldn't want it to explode now would you?
DAPHNE GRABS HIS ARM AND STRETCHES IT OUT, SHIELDING HIS WRIST FROM HIS VIEW AND SIGNALLING TO MARTIN TO BUT THE COLLAR ON HIM
FRASIER
Is there any chance I can have my arm back sometime today Daphne? I may need it later.
MARTIN
What for?
FRASIER
To direct traffic, why do you think? Just possibly because it's attached to the rest of my body. What on earth is going on?
DAPHNE LETS GO OF HIS ARM
MARTIN
I told you, nothing.
FRASIER EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN SHAKING HIS HEAD
MARTIN (CONT'D)
I'll have to do it when he's asleep.
FRASIER
(OFF STAGE) Oh my God, Eddie has fleas!
FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN
DAPHNE
I told you it was only a matter of time before he saw one.
FRASIER
Actually who ever has masterminded this cover up left the packaging for the flea collars on the counter.
DAPHNE
That would be the undercover cop here.
MARTIN
I'm sorry Frasier he must have picked them up from the park.
FRASIER
And I can pick him up something from the vets that will make him sleep for a very long time.
MARTIN HANDS FRASIER THE COLLAR
MARTIN
Here put this on.
FRASIER
What is it?
MARTIN
A flea collar.
FRASIER
I'm not wearing a flea collar.
MARTIN
Why not?
FRASIER
Because I am not an animal. I am a human being.
MARTIN
Whatever Elephant Man, just put it on.
FRASIER
I can't believe this how am I supposed to get rid of them?
MARTIN
Don't raise your voice to me.
DAPHNE
Now, now drama Queens. All you have to do is have the place fumigated.
FRASIER
Oh yes, all I have to do is have tanks of toxins blasted through my apartment. Why don't I just drop a nuclear bomb in the living room instead?
DAPHNE
You don't have to stay here while they do it.
MARTIN
Although in your case they may make an exception.
AS FRASIER PUTS ON THE FLEA COLLAR WE:
FADE OUT
(D)
FADE IN:
INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/3
(Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Martin, Roz, Eddie)
NILES SETS ABOUT MAKING HIS APARTMENT ALL READY FOR A ROMANTIC AFTERNOON. HE FIRSTLY ATTEMPTS TO START A FIRE, BEING EXTREMELY CAREFUL ABOUT LIGHTING IT. HE MAKES SEVERAL ATTEMPTS TO LIGHT IT BUT BACKS AWAY AFRAID THAT IT WILL BURN HIM. EVENTUALLY HE DOES IT AND BACKS AWAY VERY QUICKLY NEARLY TRIPPING OVER HIS OWN FEET. BUT THEN CAN'T PUT THE MATCH OUT. HE SHAKES IT VIOLENTLY BUT IT STILL DOESN'T GO OUT. HE STARTS TO PANIC AS IT BURNS DOWN TOWARDS HIS FINGERS. HE THEN LICKS HIS FINGERS AND SQUEEZES THE FLAME OUT, WHICH ONLY RESULTS IN HIS DROPPING THE NOW OUT AND SMOKING MATCH AND JUMPING ABOUT THE ROOM SHAKING HIS FINGERS IN THE AIR AND SUCKING THEM. HE THEN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN AND COMES BACK WITH A BOTTLE OF WHITE WINE, TWO GLASSES AND AN ICE BUCKET. HE THEN SITS DOWN AND PUTS HIS HAND IN THE ICE
SFX: DOORBELL
NILES
I'm coming.
NILES GETS UP, STILL SUCKING HIS FINGER AND THUMB AND OPENS THE DOOR. DAPHNE ENTERS CARRYING A SMALL BAG. THEY KISS
NILES (CONT'D)
Hello my love.
DAPHNE
Are you sure you don't mind me staying here while the place is fumigated.
NILES
It may have escaped your notice Daphne but we're engaged. It won't be long before you're living here permanently. You have realised you won't still be living with Frasier then haven't you?
DAPHNE
Oh course, I know. (SUDDENLY) How do you feel about unexpected guests?
NILES
What do you mean? Your mother isn't here is she? Simon?
FRASIER ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR
FRASIER
Oh hi Niles
NILES
Frasier what are you...?
MARTIN ENTERS WITH EDDIE THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR
MARTIN
Hiya Niles.
NILES
Dad, what is...you've brought Eddie. Or rather the flea farm.
MARTIN
Of course, I couldn't very well leave him at home now could I? The fumes would have killed him.
FRASIER
Don't blame me I tried to tie him up in the kitchen with my tie but I got caught.
NILES
Eddie or Dad?
DAPHNE
Both if he'd have had the chance. He'd have tried it with me but he knows I have the inherited ability to chew through my own legs without so much as battering an eye.
FRASIER
It's amazing eight years later we still learn something new about you everyday. And each fact still makes me that little bit more frightened.
NILES
Then why couldn't you have left Eddie at the kennels?
MARTIN
Who knows what he could have picked up from there?
FRASIER
You don't mind us staying here tonight do you Niles? We can't go back into the apartment until the early hours of the morning.
NILES
Oh course not, it's not as if I had anything special planned. But does Eddie really have to stay here?
MARTIN
If he doesn't I don't.
NILES
(OPENING THE FRONT DOOR) I'm not sure I have a cardboard box big enough for the both of you. Will you be OK on the sidewalk? That glare suggests no. (HE SHUTS THE DOOR AGAIN) Oh fine he can stay. But if I see one flea he'll be taking a flying leap over the side of the building.
FRASIER
How would you even know if there was a flea in this place? It's so big, you can actually have someone else living here and you'd never know.
NILES
Well that would explain why my pot plants keep being moved around the house.
MARTIN
See I told you we should have stayed at the Motel 6.
SFX: DOORBELL
NILES OPENS THE DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS
NILES
Roz! And what can I do for you?
ROZ
I need some place to sleep
NILES
I'm sorry, you may be pregnant and have travelled a long way on a donkey through the dessert but I have no room at the inn. Try a barn. Or maybe a cheep motel.
ROZ
Maybe you do not understand me. I need sleep. I have people constantly humping above my head. I live in fear that the ceiling tiles will fall on me in the night.
NILES
Once again I don't see how this is my problem when I already have a house full of guests.
ROZ
I'm tired, I'm grouchy, I have sleeping tablets that are making me more alert by the minute, I forgot that Frasier's place was being fumigated and have spent ten minutes sitting in a room full of toxins waiting for him to get home and just to add extra spice to my life I'm getting my period right now as we speak.
MARTIN
There is a little thing like saying too much.
ROZ
Add all of those things into the blender, hit the puree button and we might have a little doily with his arms ripped off and inserted up his nostrils. Do you understand me?
NILES
Please take my room. Do you need pyjamas? A toothbrush?
AS ROZ COMES IN AND SITS ON THE FAINTING COUCH WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO(E)
FADE IN:
INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/3
(Daphne, Roz, Martin, Frasier, Niles)
MARTIN AND ROZ SIT ON THE FAINTING COUCH, WITH DAPHNE SITTING IN THE CHAIR ON THE RIGHT AND FRASIER IN THE CHAIR ON THE LEFT AS NILES RUNS ABOUT POURING PEOPLE WINE AND FETCHING COASTERS
FRASIER
Are you sure you're OK Roz? Your eyes look a little glassy.
ROZ
I'm fine. I only have a blood stream full of poison that's all. Well fine apart from that painting keeps waving at me.
DAPHNE
Of course it does. Have you tried phoning them to complain?
ROZ
I don't think the person in that painting has a phone. Unless there's a cellular in his pocket.
DAPHNE
I meant your neighbours.
ROZ
Yes and they've tried ripping the phone from the wall and throwing it across the room.
MARTIN
How about giving them a taste of their own medicine?
ROZ
They'd have to stop long enough for me to do that.
FRASIER
How about just going up there?
NILES
I don't think even Roz is desperate enough to actually go up there and join in.
ROZ
That's not what he meant.
FRASIER
Wasn't it?
NILES
How nice it is to be entertaining.
MARTIN
So what have you got planned for us Niles?
NILES
Erm...nothing.
MARTIN
What do you mean nothing? What are we going to do?
ROZ
You must have something planned for us. I nearly died at Frasier's to come here and spend the night. I want to do something.
NILES
In which case Roz I don't really think you should be drinking that heavily. But surprisingly enough I wasn't planning on having guests.
FRASIER
You knew Daphne was staying the night.
NILES
But we can't all do what I had planned. Apart from the fact three of us are related, I think it's illegal in fifty states.
DAPHNE
In some countries you could have your hands cut off.
ROZ PICKS UP AN EMPTY WINE BOTTLE AND EXITS WITH IT INTO THE KITCHEN
MARTIN
I don't think it's his hands he's worried about.
DAPHNE LOOKS AT NILES' PHONE
DAPHNE
What do you have all these buttons for on your phone for?
NILES
It's the intercom.
DAPHNE
You can speak to anyone in any room with this?
NILES
That's right. Except the bathroom, I've saved us all that little treat.
FRASIER
You didn't know that?
NILES
You see our relationship works because we spend a lot of time in the same room together. Not buzzing each other through the intercom. Which is probably why you've been divorced twice.
ROZ RE-ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AND SITS DOWN
DAPHNE
You have a gift-wrapping room?
FRASIER
Let's not get into that again.
ROZ
How could you not know that? Aren't you here nearly everyday?
DAPHNE
But I'd need a sniffer dog, a map and a top of the range compass to find my way around without my Sherpa here. I'd leave a trail of breadcrumbs so that I don't get lost but I have a feeling the clean freak doctor would be following me with the dust buster and a frown on his face.
NILES
It's the room opposite my study.
DAPHNE
You said that was a closet.
NILES
I thought the truth might make me seem...
ROZ
Kind of gay?
NILES
Yes and I'd appreciate it if you didn't go in the gift-wrapping room with any naked flame.
MARTIN
Damn and there was I wanting to practice my fire eating in there.
EDDIE STARTS TO SCRATCH HIMSELF
NILES
Dad why is Eddie scratching?
MARTIN
He's a dog it's what he does.
ROZ
Oh my God Eddie just spoke. How long has he been talking?
FRASIER
That was Dad.
ROZ
Was it? Oh well you can always teach him to talk.
FRASIER LEANS ACROSS AND TAKES ROZ'S WINE GLASS OFF HER AND HIDES IT
NILES
He hasn't brought any fleas here has he?
DAPHNE
We gave him a good bath and he's got that collar on so I wouldn't have thought so.
NILES
But they may have stowed away, in steerage. Someone double-check he doesn't have any on him.
MARTIN
Oh fine.
MARTIN PICKS UP EDDIE AND STARTS TO LOOK FOR FLEAS ON HIM
FRASIER
Well now you've found something to entertain Dad, what about the rest of us?
NILES
My wine needs resorting alphabetically and chronologically.
ROZ
Or alternatively, maybe I could just jab this pen in my eye.
NILES
I'm flexible either way.
AS MARTIN CONTINUES TO INSPECT EDDIE WE:
FADE OUT
(F)
TITLE CARD: '...AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE NOTHING WAS STIRRING, NOT EVEN A MOUSE'
FADE IN:
INT. NILES' UPSTAIRS HALLWAY — NIGHT — DAY/3
(Niles, Roz, Frasier, Martin, Eddie)
FRASIER, NILES, DAPHNE, MARTIN, ROZ AND EDDIE ALL STAND IN THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE BEDROOMS IN THEIR DRESSING GOWNS. NILES AND DAPHNE'S ROOM IS ON THE LEFT WITH ROZ'S, FRASIER'S AND MARTIN'S ON THE LEFT. ROZ STRUGGLES TO MAINTAIN HER BALANCE
NILES
OK now are you all going to be OK? Are you all going to go straight to bed? I'm not going to have you running up and down the hallways and leaving the art books open on the most provocative pages am I?
ROZ
There's no chance of that happening Mr. Hefner. Us bunny girls know when the parties over.
NILES
Yes and for you that's normally when the Police arrive
FRASIER
Well goodnight all and thanks again Niles.
FRASIER EXITS INTO HIS ROOM
MARTIN
Goodnight.
MARTIN EXITS INTO HIS ROOM ALONG WITH EDDIE
ROZ
Time for another couple of sleeping tablets. Although I don't know why I bother, I'm more alert now then I was before. But finally I'm going to be able to get nights sleep without hearing other people having sex.
ROZ EXITS INTO HER ROOM BEFORE NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT INTO NILES' ROOM
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS
NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER INSIDE AND NILES SHUTS THE DOOR. DAPHNE SITS DOWN ON THE BED AS NILES TURNS TO HER AND SMILES
DAPHNE
Then maybe you shouldn't have put Roz in the room opposite yours.
NILES
Ah-ha but you see this is where I get my revenge.
DAPHNE
She'll hear.
NILES
She's pumped up to the eyeballs with sleeping tablets, toxins and alcohol. She'll be lucky if she wakes up ever again.
NILES KISSES HER
DAPHNE
Uh-oh I don't like that look in your eye, you look as if you have a bad case of wind.
NILES
Now that's romantic.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' UPSTAIRS HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS
MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM CARRYING EDDIE UNDER HIS ARM. HE WALKS TO NILES' DOOR AND GOES TO KNOCK ON IT BUT SUDDENLY STOPS. HE THEN WALKS BACK TO FRASIER'S DOOR AND KNOCKS ON THAT ONE INSTEAD
MARTIN
Hey Frasier.
FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM
FRASIER
What's the matter?
MARTIN
I need an extra pillow for Eddie.
FRASIER
Then what are you pestering me for? They don't breed under this bed you know. Ask Niles.
MARTIN
I can't go in there, what if they're...you know...doing stuff.
FRASIER
Like origami?
MARTIN
Don't play innocent with me. You've got a child, I know you've done it at least once.
FRASIER
Well at least you believe my testimony rather then the turkey baster's.
MARTIN
Frasier just help me find one will you?
FRASIER
No old man, you can go and find one yourself now.
FRASIER EXITS BACK INSIDE. MARTIN PROCEEDS TO WONDER AROUND THE HALLWAY LOOKING FOR AN EXTRA PILLOW. HE STOPS OUTSIDE A DOOR DOWN THE OTHER END OF THE HALLWAY BEFORE EXITING THROUGH IT
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' LIBRARY — CONTINUOUS
MARTIN NOW ENTERS INTO THE LIBRARY AND HAS A QUICK LOOK AROUND BEFORE EXITING DOWN THE STAIRS AND OUT OF THE LIBRARY
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE LIES DOWN IN BED FACING AWAY FROM NILES AS HE SITS UP ON THE OTHER SIDE SMILING FROM EAR TO EAR AND STARING AT HER
DAPHNE
Niles we can't.
NILES
No I'm pretty sure we can, I seem to remember us doing it several times before. My dreams are never that creative.
DAPHNE
You heard what Roz said?
NILES
Are you telling me Roz is going to dictate our sex life now? This is a woman who hears talking dogs and waving paintings. We can be quiet.
DAPHNE
No I can be quiet, you can't. And besides your brother and father are out there.
NILES
They're not looking through the keyhole.
DAPHNE
It still just doesn't feel right.
NILES
It's not the first time they've been there.
DAPHNE
I know but this time they're across the hall, not clean across the other side of the apartment. It's the geography, I'm sorry. You can cope without it for one night you horny hound.
NILES
(MISERABLE) That's doctor horny hound to you.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' DOWNSTAIRS HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS
MARTIN NOW STANDS IN THE CORRIDOR TO THE LEFT OF THE LIVING ROOM. MARTIN QUICKLY NOTICES THAT HE IS LOST AND BEGINS TO PANIC. HE THEN EXITS INTO A ROOM ON THE RIGHT
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' GIFT-WRAPPING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
MARTIN ENTERS INTO THE GIFT WRAPPING ROOM AND FINDS THE PHONE. HE THEN BUZZES ONE OF THE NUMBERS
RESET TO:
INT. ROZ'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS
ROZ LIES IN BED HALF ASLEEP WITH THE TELEPHONE ON THE BEDSIDE TABLE AND THE BOTTLE OF SLEEPING TABLETS IN HER HAND. MARTIN VOICE COMES FROM THE INTERCOM ON THE PHONE
MARTIN
(OFF STAGE) Frasier. Frasier help.
ROZ SUDDENLY SHOOTS UPRIGHT IN BED AND LOOKS AROUND BEFORE NEARLY FALLING OUT OF IT AND LANDING ON THE FLOOR
ROZ
Hello? Is anyone there?
MARTIN
(OFF STAGE) Frasier, can you hear me?
ROZ
Is someone there? Can you hear me?
ROZ GETS OUT OF BED AND STARTS TO WALK ABOUT THE ROOM
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER LIES IN BED TOSSING AND TURNING ONCE AGAIN WITH THE PHONE ON THE BEDSIDE TABLE. MARTIN'S VOICE ONCE AGAIN COMES THROUGH THE INTERCOM
MARTIN
(OFF STAGE) Frasier come in, Frasier.
FRASIER SHOOTS OUT OF BED, TURNS ON THE LIGHT AND LOOKS AT THE PHONE
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS
NILES SITS UP IN BED READING A BOOK AS DAPHNE SNUGGLES UP NEXT TO HIM. THIS TIME FRASIER'S VOICE APPEARS OVER THE INTERCOM
FRASIER
(OFF STAGE) Dad where are you?
THEY BOTH TURN AND STARE AT THE PHONE
NILES
Well that's normal.
DAPHNE
He hasn't sneaked in and crawled under the bed has he?
RESET TO:
INT. ROZ'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS
ROZ STANDS BY THE RIGHT HAND WALL WITH HER EAR PRESSED UP AGAINST IT. ONCE AGAIN ALL VOICES COME FROM THE INTERCOM
MARTIN
(OFF STAGE) I'm trapped.
ROZ
Hello? Are you in the wall? Speak to me if you can breathe. Stay with me, I'll find you.
ROZ STARTS TO KNOCK ON THE WALLS LOOKING FOR A HOLLOW PATCH
MARTIN
(OFF STAGE) I'm lost.
ROZ
Don't worry I'll find you. If I can find my way home across campus drunk and half naked I'm sure I can find you in a wall.
FRASIER
(OFF STAGE) Where are you?
ROZ
Oh my God, there's two of them. I'm here, I'm trying to find you. Just sit tight.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' GIFT-WRAPPING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
MARTIN PICKS UP THE PHONE TO EXAMINE ALL THE NUMBERS. HE THEN SQUINTS AS HE IS WITHOUT HIS GLASSES. FINALLY HE PICKS ANOTHER NUMBER AND PRESSES IT
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER STANDS LEANING OVER THE PHONE WAITING FOR A RESPONSE
MARTIN
(OFF STAGE) Frasier can you hear me? I'm in the gift-wrapping room.
FRASIER
Finally, I'm coming.
FRASIER PUTS ON HIS DRESSING GOWN AND HEADS TOWARDS THE DOOR
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS
NILES AND DAPHNE ARE BOTH LYING DOWN NOW STARING AT THE CEILING
NILES
It does not.
DAPHNE
It does look at it. Now squint your left eye slightly, poke your finger in your right eye and turn you head a little to the left.
NILES
Nope it still doesn't look like Frasier. And now I think I'm possibly going blind.
DAPHNE
Are you looking at the right crack pattern? It's the one to the right of the large one that looks like Regis wearing spandex.
NILES
There's an image I can do without.
DAPHNE
It does it looks like your brother, if he had an eye patch and an extra hand growing out of his cheek.
NILES
I don't know what's more upsetting. The fact that I have an mutated image of my brother on my ceiling in cracks or that I have cracks in the ceiling in the first place.
RESET TO:
INT. ROZ'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS
ROZ QUICKLY GRABS HER DRESSING GOWN AND PUTS IT ON
ROZ
Can you hear me? I'm going to get some help.
ROZ EXITS OUT OF HER ROOM
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' UPSTAIRS HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS
ROZ ENTERS OUT OF HER ROOM AND GOES TO KNOCK ON NILES' DOOR
ROZ (CONT'D)
I can't go in there. What if they're doing...stuff?
ROZ THEN OPENS FRASIER'S DOOR
ROZ (CONT'D)
Frasier, I need your...help. Frasier? Frasier where are you?
SHE THEN SHUTS FRASIER'S DOOR AND OPENS MARTIN'S DOOR
ROZ (CONT'D)
Martin? Eddie? Have you all been evacuated?
ROZ THEN SHUTS MARTIN'S DOOR AND GOES BACK TO HER DOOR AGAIN
ROZ (CONT'D)
Don't worry I'm going to get some help.
ROZ EXITS DOWN THE CORRIDOR
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' DOWNSTAIRS CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER STANDS IN THE CORRIDOR LOOKING FOR MARTIN
FRASIER
Dad where are you?
MARTIN
(OFF STAGE) I'm over here.
FRASIER EXITS INTO THE GIFT-WRAPPING ROOM
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' GIFT-WRAPPING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
MARTIN STANDS STILL HOLDING EDDIE IN ONE HAND AND THE PHONE IN THE OTHER AS FRASIER ENTERS
FRASIER
What are you doing in here?
MARTIN
I've already told you. Looking for a pillow for Eddie.
FRASIER
Must he always have a pillow?
MARTIN
Must you always ask that question?
FRASIER
Why didn't you just ask Niles?
MARTIN
What are we Jewish? Stop answering a question with a question.
FRASIER
Then why didn't you ask Niles?
MARTIN
We've already had this discussion and it ended with you sulking in your room and me writing you out of my will. Now how do we get back?
FRASIER POINTS TOWARDS THE LIVING ROOM
FRASIER
It's this way.
MARTIN
No it's not, I've already tried that way.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS
ROZ TALKS ON THE PHONE AS SHE SEARCHES THROUGH ALL OF THE DRAWERS
ROZ
(ON PHONE) Hello? Police? Yeah there's someone trapped inside my bedroom wall, I can't get them out. Exactly what I said, they're stuck in the wall. Two I think. No am I not drunk...well not to excess anyway. Well the same to you buddy.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' GIFT-WRAPPING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
MARTIN STILL STANDS AS BEFORE STARING OUTSIDE THE DOOR FRASIER CAME IN
MARTIN
Are you still there?
FRASIER
(OFF STAGE) Yes I've only gone outside the door. I'm know it's this way. That's the front door at the end.
MARTIN
Don't leave me.
FRASIER
Oh and what do you think will happen to you? You're in Niles' apartment for God's sake.
MARTIN
Exactly, with all his African nick-knacks with huge appendages lying around I'm worried about what I'm going to put my hand on. I would like to continue to feel like a real man.
FRASIER
In that case may I suggest you stay away from the study.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' DOWNSTAIRS CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER STARTS TO EDGE HIS WAY DOWN THE CORRIDOR OPENING THE DOORS AND SEEING WHAT'S INSIDE ALONG THE WAY, TAKING THE OPPORTUNITY TO SNOOP AROUND WHILE HE HAS THE CHANCE
MARTIN
(OFF STAGE) Where are you going now?
FRASIER
I'm trying to go back to my room through the living room.
MARTIN
(OFF STAGE) I told you I've tried that way.
FRASIER
For once trust my sense of direction Dad.
MARTIN
(OFF STAGE) Do you need a match?
FRASIER
No that's fine I can see.
MARTIN
(OFF STAGE) Since when were you genetically engineered with a mole?
FRASIER
Since you started annoying me and I wanted to get away as quickly as humanly possible.
MARTIN
Oh good so then you'll be able to see which finger I'm holding up.
FRASIER OPENS A DOOR ON THE RIGHT AND EXITS INTO IT, WITH THE DOOR SHUTTING BEHIND HIM
MARTIN (CONT'D)
Frasier? Frasier are you there?
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' LINING CLOSET — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER STANDS IN COMPLETE DARKNESS BEFORE PULLING A CORD AND A LIGHT COMING ON TO REVEAL THAT HE IS STANDING IN A LINING CLOSET. HE TURNS AROUND TO OPEN THE DOOR BUT IT WON'T OPEN. HE PULLS AT IT QUITE VIOLENTLY
FRASIER
Oh I don't believe this.
FRASIER PULLS AT THE KNOB ONE MORE TIME, WHICH CAUSES HIM TO FALL BACK AND MAKES ALL THE SHEETS AND PILLOWS FALL ON HIM. FRASIER BATTLES TO STAND UP
FRASIER (CONT'D)
On the upside I've found a pillow.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' GIFT-WRAPPING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
MARTIN STANDS BY THE DOORWAY STILL HOLDING BOTH EDDIE AND THE PHONE
MARTIN
Frasier? Oh great we're being picked off one by one. It's Korea all over again.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS
NILES LIES LOOKING ASLEEP AS DAPHNE SITS UPRIGHT NEXT TO HIM. SHE LOOKS AT HIM AND THEN LEANS OVER RESTING HER HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER
DAPHNE
Niles. Niles.
NILES
(SLEEPILY) What?
DAPHNE
Do you think they've all gone to sleep yet?
NILES
I don't know. Why don't you go and knock on their doors and see?
DAPHNE
Fine if that's your attitude. You won't want to know I've changed my mind.
DAPHNE SITS UPRIGHT AS NILES ROLLS OVER TO FACE HER
NILES
And now you think I'm going to spring to life?
DAPHNE
Well aren't you?
NILES
You bet am I.
DAPHNE LIES BACK DOWN AGAIN AS NILES SITS UP
DAPHNE
Too late you've offended me now.
DAPHNE ROLLS OVER AND TURNS AWAY FROM HIM
NILES
You can't stay mad at me.
DAPHNE
You're right.
DAPHNE SITS BACK UP AND KISSES HIM
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
But there's always a first time.
DAPHNE LIES BACK DOWN AGAIN FACING AWAY FROM NILES
NILES
There's a name for women like you.
DAPHNE
Which is?
NILES
Absolutely beautiful.
SHE SITS BACK UP AND KISSES HIM
RESET TO:
INT. ROZ'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS
ROZ ENTERS HOLDING A HAMMER AND MOVES TO THE RIGHT HAND WALL PRESSING HER EAR UP IT
ROZ
Don't worry guys I'm here. The Police won't come, but never fear I've found a hammer. Well not a hammer, a meat mallet, the twerp doesn't have a hammer.
ROZ PULLS THE HAMMER BACK AND PREPARES TO HIT THE WALL WITH IT
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS
NILES AND DAPHNE REMAIN AS WE LEFT THEM IN AN EMBRACE
SFX: LOUD BANGING
NILES AND DAPHNE BOTH SHOOT OUT OF BED AND GRAB THEIR DRESSING GOWNS
NILES
What the hell is that?
DAPHNE
I told you they'd hear us, but would you listen?
NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT THROUGH THE BEDROOM DOOR
RESET TO:
INT. ROZ'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS
ROZ STILL HITS THE WALL WITH THE HAMMER CREATING A LARGE HOLE AS NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER
NILES
Roz what are you doing?
ROZ STOPS HITTING THE WALL
ROZ
There's someone trapped in the wall.
NILES
Excuse me?
ROZ
I've heard someone calling for help from inside the wall.
DAPHNE
How did they get in there?
ROZ
I guess they got walled in downstairs and must have crawled up some how.
NILES
What are you insane?
MARTIN
(OFF STAGE) Niles are you there?
DAPHNE
It's true, they know your name.
NILES
That's the intercom.
NILES EXITS THE ROOM FOLLOWED BY ROZ AND DAPHNE
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' UPSTAIRS HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS
NILES, ROZ AND DAPHNE ENTER INTO THE HALLWAY. NILES IMMEDIATELY OPENS MARTIN'S DOOR
NILES (CONT'D)
Dad what are you...? Where is he?
NILES SHUTS MARTIN'S DOOR AND OPENS FRASIER'S DOOR
NILES (CONT'D)
Frasier? What is going on?
NILES WALKS DOWN THE HALL A FEW STEPS LISTENING FOR SIGNS OF LIFE
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' GIFT-WRAPPING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
MARTIN PUTS EDDIE DOWN ON THE FLOOR AND ONCE AGAIN CLOSELY EXAMINES THE PHONE, BUT STILL UNABLE TO SEE. HE TRIES TO TURN ON A LAMP ON THE DESK BUT IT WON'T COME ON. HE FUMBLES AROUND ON THERE FOR A MOMENT BEFORE FINDING A BOX OF MATCHES. HE LIGHTS ONE AND LOOKS AT THE NUMBERS ON THE PHONE AGAIN. THE MATCH QUICKLY BURNS DOWN, BURNING MARTIN'S FINGER CAUSING HIM TO DROP IT ON THE DESK AS NILES ENTERS FOLLOWED BY ROZ AND DAPHNE
NILES (CONT'D)
Oh my God. Would you mind not setting fire to my apartment?
MARTIN AND NILES BOTH BLOW ON THE MATCH UNTIL IT GOES OUT
MARTIN
Sorry.
NILES
The one thing I asked you not to do. Where is Frasier?
MARTIN
He went down there and then he just disappeared. I knew we should have stayed at the Motel 6 this place is too spooky. The same person whose moving your pot plants is picking us off one by one
NILES
That was a joke.
NILES EXITS OUT THE DOOR
ROZ
You're telling me this place is scary. I thought there was someone in the wall.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' DOWNSTAIRS HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
NILES WALKS DOWN THE HALLWAY
NILES
Frasier? Frasier where are you?
FRASIER
(OFF STAGE) I'm locked in here.
NILES TRACKS DOWN THE VOICE AND OPENS THE DOOR TO THE LINEN CLOSET. FRASIER STEPS OUT OF IT HOLDING A PILLOW COVERED IN SHEETS
NILES
What are you doing in there?
FRASIER
I thought I'd use all these blankets and see what mummification is like. You know just for fun.
MARTIN, ROZ AND DAPHNE ENTER FROM THE GIFT-WRAPPING ROOM
MARTIN
There you are.
FRASIER
Your pillow.
DAPHNE
Would someone please explain what exactly is going on?
NILES
I can tell you. This is the last time I ever have a sleep over. I've got one drugged up on sleeping tablets, toxins and alcohol person pounding craters into my wall and hearing dogs talking, another setting fire to another room, another playing hide and seek with himself and the other refusing me sex. Camp counsellors don't have this much trouble with hormonal teenagers away from home for the first time.
MARTIN
Then can you point me back in the direction of my room?
DAPHNE
Of course Hansel, it's that way. And for future reference maps of the location are located for sale in the lobby. Where you can also buy jerky and plenty of alcohol.
ROZ
Oh good because I could sure use that.
AS THEY EXIT THROUGH THE GIFT-WRAPPING ROOM BACK TOWARDS THEIR ROOMS WE:
FADE OUT
(G)
FADE IN:
INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/4
(Daphne, Niles)
NILES SITS ON THE FAINTING COUCH AS DAPHNE STANDS BY THE DOOR SAYING GOODBYE TO EVERYONE
DAPHNE
Ok bye, I'll see you at home later.
DAPHNE SHUTS THE DOOR AND SITS ON THE FAINTING COUCH
NILES
Thank God. I don't think I could have lasted another second with the Clampet's living here without some sort of sedative.
DAPHNE
I've lived with them for eight years think how I feel. They argue more then an old married couple. Except thankfully there's no kissing and make up sex.
NILES
There's an image that'll need repressing later.
DAPHNE STARTS TO STARE AT NILES' TROUSER LEG
DAPHNE
What's that?
NILES
What's what?
DAPHNE
Nothing I just thought I say something moving on your trousers.
NILES
Are you trying to seduce me Miss. Moon? We have some catching up to do.
DAPHNE
It was in the back of my mind Doctor but not right now. I'm serious. Uh-oh.
NILES
What?
DAPHNE
Nothing.
NILES
No it's definitely something.
DAPHNE THEN SUDDENLY SLAPS NILES' LEG AND HE DOUBLES OVER IN PAIN
NILES (CONT'D)
Well there's no point in trying to seduce me now, you've just killed my interest.
DAPHNE
Niles I hate to tell you this, but you've got fleas.
NILES
And the inability to ever have children.
CUT TO:
(H)
CUT TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/4
(Frasier, Daphne, Niles)
FRASIER POURS HIMSELF A SHERRY AS DAPHNE ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR
FRASIER
Oh hi Daphne.
DAPHNE
Hello Dr. Crane. How do you feel about unexpected guests?
FRASIER
Your mother isn't here is she? Simon?
NILES ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR
NILES
I have fleas.
FRASIER
You should change your conditioner then.
AS FRASIER HANDS NILES A SHERRY WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWO
CLOSING CREDITS: NILES GUIDES A DECORATOR INTO HIS SPARE BEDROOM PREVIOUSLY OCCUPIED BY ROZ AND POINTS TO THE HOLE. THE DECORATOR STARTS TO LOOK AT IT AS NILES TAKES DOWN A FEW PICTURES OFF THE WALL SO THAT HE CAN GET TO WORK. BEHIND TWO OF THE THREE PAINTINGS ARE EXTRA HOLES THAT WERE HIDDEN. HE ROLLS HIS EYES, SHAKES HIS HEAD AND POINTS THEM OUT TO THE DECORATOR.
