I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.

Well obviously no one except Jodie, Marissa and Amanda wanted last week's prize so I really can't be bothered to offer one this week, they'll just have to share the badgers noses between them (Amanda can't have any because its compulsory for her to send me feedback because 1) we go to university together and 2) because who told Phill Moran about my writing these in that TV seminar!!!!). In fact I may just go off in the corner and sulk. But anyway if you want to send me feedback send it to kelly_simba@hotmail.com.

Enjoy...

...Oh wait before I begin, I just have one question to ask. Where have all the fanfic writers gone? Are they being taken out one by one? Is someone breaking into their homes in the middle of the night, climbing the stairs with a whippet between their teeth, and then sneaking up behind them while they type away and snat...


Frasier
Alternative Season Nine Episode Six
The Front Page

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

TITLE CARD: "IF THERE'S A TAXI STRIKE THEY REPLACE THEM WITH STEAM ROLLERS AND COMBINE HARVESTERS"

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Frasier, Niles, Roz, Man)

FRASIER AND NILES SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWDED NERVOSA DRINKING THEIR COFFEE. FRASIER IS IN THE MIDDLE OF A STORY

FRASIER

It was without doubt the worse date, in the history of bad dates. Being set upon by a group of rabid gophers while being forced to watch a Monster Truck Rally would have been more preferable. In fact I'd rather remarry Lilith, have a life of misery and get brain freezes every time I kiss her then repeat that experience.

NILES

But didn't you come home this morning?

FRASIER

Well yes, but you see I couldn't leave.

NILES

Glued to the floor were you?

FRASIER

No it was because...

FRASIER LOOKS AROUND AND SEES LOTS OF PEOPLE STANDING CLOSE BY

FRASIER (CONT'D)

I think maybe this is a conversation for a more private occasion. It's not something I want other people over hearing. There's no point in more then the two of us getting traumatised for life.

NILES

Am I sure I really want to hear this? But then again if I can cope listening to my patients sordid sex lives and rather vivid and pornographic drawings I can surly cope with yours. It doesn't involve a pumpkin and a bottle of vapour rub does it?

FRASIER

No.

NILES

Thank God, I just thought I'd check. I don't want to have that dream again. I woke up shaking with a handful of Daphne's hair.

ROZ ENTERS LOOKING EXTREMELY FLUSTERED AND SITS DOWN

ROZ

Oh my God, my life could not get any worse. Actually getting mowed down by a tractor in the middle of the street may improve my situation.

NILES

Now I'm not really sure I want to hear this.

FRASIER

And how many tractors have you seen in downtown Seattle? Does the city keep them as backup in case a bus breaks down at short notice? Do you have to pay extra to be dragged behind it by your teeth?

ROZ

That's not the point wise ass! I'm having a major crisis here.

FRASIER

What's the matter with you?

ROZ

I've been called up on jury duty.

NILES

And?

ROZ

And? What and? That's it, I've been called up on jury duty.

FRASIER

Roz there are people out there forced to drink inferior wine out of boxes and sit in coach on long hall business flights without a slumber mask and a massage. I would hardly call being called up to serve your country a crisis. It's those poor souls we should pity not you.

NILES

Think of it this way, you'll get out of listening to Frasier drone on in his show while you serve. Nothing can be worse then that. In fact if you ever loose your hearing that could be put down as a work related illness. You could sue Frasier for millions.

ROZ

You know, you've got a point there.

FRASIER

I think my ten thousand strong listening base throughout Washington and parts of Canada would disagree with you.

ROZ

It's just a shame the majority of them have a multiple personality disorder which cuts the numbers down a lot.

NILES

So in reality you could count the number of fans you have on your fingers and still drive on the freeway at rush hour.

A MAN WALKS PAST BEHIND FRASIER

FRASIER

Thank you both so much, but I do have real fans.

MAN

Yes you do and I count myself as one.

FRASIER

Thank you Sir.

MAN

Yes you do and I count myself as one. (TALKING TO HIS SHOULDER) I've just said that. No you didn't. Yes I did now stop embarrassing me.

THE MAN EXITS

ROZ

I think the prosecution rests.

NILES

I wonder what case you'll get. Senator Rafitor's case is coming up soon. Did you see what he did to those cows? No wonder their milk production has been on the scarce side recently. I'm amazed they're not all blind and clucking.

ROZ

My guess would be after that experience the milk they are producing is chocolate milk.

FRASIER

Let's just hope the trial is before your "friend" comes to visit for the month.

ROZ

And what does that mean?

FRASIER

Oh come on Roz, we've all seen how irrational you can become. I've still got the scars from when you attacked me with that pencil sharpener. Have you noticed how sharp my fingers are recently? I pity the poor man who has you decide his fate, when you've had a disastrous date and you're in one of your "moods".

ROZ

That's the most sexist thing I have ever heard. If you were ever called up, you'd call for the death sentence for some poor guy who accidentally broke of bottle of your expensive Mr. Fancy pants wine.

NILES

Well who wouldn't? That is a crime.

FRASIER

And of course it all depends on what wine.

AS FRASIER AND NILES CHAT AND IGNORE ROZ WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — DAY/1
(Daphne, Niles, Martin, Frasier)

NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER FROM DAPHNE'S ROOM. NILES LOOKS EXTREMELY EMBARRASSED AND UPSET AS DAPHNE TRIES TO COMFORT HIM. NILES SITS ON THE COUCH AND DAPHNE SITS ON THE ARM OF MARTIN'S CHAIR

DAPHNE

Niles I've told you, it doesn't matter.

NILES

I'm just so embarrassed.

DAPHNE

Forget about it, I have.

NILES

That's because there wasn't anything to remember in the first place. It's never happened to me before.

DAPHNE

(SURPRISED) What never?

NILES

Well not with you.

DAPHNE

But you have been under a lot of stress recently.

NILES

No I haven't. If this is what happens when I'm not stressed will it drop off completely when I am?

DAPHNE

Just forget about it.

NILES

I can't. Why won't I work anymore? It's all those years of being married to Maris. I was only going to live a sex-starved life for so long before everything froze up. You can't leave a Sub Zero 5756 Commando freezer unplugged for years and then plug it in and expect it to run none stop. Things are bound to overheat and breakdown.

DAPHNE

I've told you it doesn't matter. Once, that's all. If it gets into double figures by the end of the week then yes I'll be a little annoyed and suggest a trip to the doctors and maybe even some hydraulic equipment.

NILES

Thanks, no pressure.

DAPHNE SITS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH

DAPHNE

Think of the pressure if it happens on our honeymoon.

NILES

Do you want it to never happen again?

DAPHNE

Oh I'm sorry. (KISS) Was I pressuring you? (KISS) I'll never (KISS) Do it (KISS) Again (KISS)

MARTIN ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR HOLDING A NEWSPAPER AS NILES AND DAPHNE CONTINUE TO KISS

MARTIN

Hi guys.

NILES BREAKS THE KISS AND LOOKS UP TO THE HEAVENS

NILES

Oh great now it works.

MARTIN

What does?

DAPHNE

Nothing.

MARTIN

Is Frasier here?

DAPHNE

I think he's in his room.

MARTIN

(SHOUTS) Frasier! Frasier get in here! Frasier!

NILES

In his room, not in Cuba having his ears removed!

FRASIER RUNS IN FROM HIS ROOM

FRASIER

What is it? Who has been murdered?

MARTIN

I've got something to show you.

FRASIER

Then it must be Eddie impaled on a spoon because otherwise I don't see any reason why you'd be shouting like that.

MARTIN

This is good news.

FRASIER

So Eddie really has been impaled? That's not good news that glorious news.

MARTIN

No look at the paper.

MARTIN HANDS NILES THE OPEN PAPER WHO LOOKS AT IT WITH DAPHNE AND FRASIER LEANING OVER TO LOOK AS WELL

DAPHNE

Oh yes look at that.

NILES

You've completed the crossword. Although I hate to be picky Dad but Zipwing is not a type of potato and there's no W in England.

DAPHNE

That all depends on if you have a speech impediment or not.

FRASIER

So let me get this straight I've come out here because of a crossword? Well at least I've had a seizure running out of my room for a good reason.

MARTIN

Try looking past your nose above the crossword in the letters.

FRASIER

Oh yes a letter by Martin Crane. Isn't this the forth one you'd had printed now?

NILES

Who knew you could write so many letters about that Jane Mansfield jungle dream?

MARTIN

Actually it's a letter of complaint.

NILES

Have they cancelled your favourite TV show again?

DAPHNE

It wasn't cancelled last time, the show was just on hiatus for the summer. We have this discussion every year. I'm going to start to tape it so I don't have to repeat myself.

MARTIN

It's about the dog park actually.

FRASIER

Have they been letting those pesky dogs go there again?

MARTIN

I just think that the place could be cleaned up a little.

DAPHNE

I'll say I found a condom on the mouthpiece of the water fountain last week.

FRASIER

That's disgusting.

DAPHNE

Well not really, it's actually quite useful. It was a glow in the dark condom. So if it was dark and you wanted a drink of water, you'd always find the mouthpiece.

FRASIER

Yes and some possibly highly contagious disease.

NILES

Wait a second the dogs have a water fountain?

MARTIN

Surprisingly no. They need to do something down there, there are broken bottles all over the floor and it's just not safe for the dogs there anymore. Eddie could accidentally slit his wrists on the glass.

SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING

FRASIER

Wouldn't that be a shame.

DAPHNE STANDS AND ANSWERS THE PHONE

DAPHNE

Mr. Crane it's for you.

MARTIN PICKS UP THE PHONE

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

(TO FRASIER AND NILES) It's a woman.

FRASIER AND NILES BOTH GIVE EACH OTHER KNOWING GLANCES

MARTIN

(TO FRASIER AND NILES) Oh put your eyebrows down. (ON THE PHONE) Hello? Yes this is he. Really? Well that would be great. Sure. At the office? And what time would that be? That's fine. Who do I ask for? OK thanks a lot. Bye.

MARTIN HANGS UP THE PHONE AND SITS IN HIS CHAIR

FRASIER

Well are you going to tell us or do I have to Star 69 to find out who that was?

MARTIN

That was the newspaper. They want to talk to me about getting a column in the paper once a week.

FRASIER

You're going to have a column in a newspaper?

MARTIN

Yeah that's right.

FRASIER

Then why don't I just add that to my list of reasons to drink drain cleaner and die?

DAPHNE

What are you going to write about?

MARTIN

They said anything I want, but we'll talk more about it tomorrow.

DAPHNE

Well then congratulations.

NILES

Yeah that's great Dad.

MARTIN

Can you believe it, my column is going to be on news stands, in waiting rooms, everywhere.

FRASIER

Including litter trays.

AS FRASIER EXITS BACK INTO HIS ROOM WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

TITLE CARD: "ON THE PLUS SIDE HE'LL PLAY REQUESTS"

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/2
(Niles, Frasier, Daphne, Martin, Roz)

FRASIER, NILES AND DAPHNE SIT BY THE WINDOW IN NERVOSA

NILES

Frasier you never did tell me what was so disastrous about your date the other night. You've still got all your fingers so it couldn't have been that bad.

FRASIER

Not now Niles.

NILES

Why not?

FRASIER

Just because.

DAPHNE

Oh I see, he doesn't want to talk because the servant is here.

FRASIER

Daphne you know very well I've never looked at you that way... well not anymore anyway, it won't be long until you're my sister-in-law.

DAPHNE

My God that's a frightening thought. Having you and your father as my in-laws. Have I still got time to change my mind and just shack up with you in a trailer park with a bigheaded banjo boy on the doorstep instead?

NILES

Wait let me think. (INSTANTLY) No.

FRASIER

I'd still rather not discuss it, if it's all the same with you.

DAPHNE

Why not?

FRASIER

Because it's embarrassing.

DAPHNE

Well you either tell us both now, or I'll get it out of him later in rather unusual and enjoyable ways and have a good laugh at it behind your back.

FRASIER

Oh all right fine. Amanda's mental state wasn't exactly stable. In fact it's safe to say she's one step away from wearing an aluminium foil hat so that the aliens won't steal her brain waves.

NILES

And you didn't pick this up before?

FRASIER

I thought she was trying to keep the rain off her head. Anyway...

MARTIN ENTERS AND SITS NEXT TO FRASIER

MARTIN

Hi guys.

FRASIER

Never mind I'll tell you later.

MARTIN

Don't stop on my account.

FRASIER

But it's a little embarrassing.

MARTIN

You either tell me now or I'll get it out of Daphne later.

FRASIER

Do you three tell each other everything?

NILES

Only if it's something really embarrassing about you.

FRASIER

OK fine. Well dinner went fine apart from she kept stabbing her hand with her fork and throwing water over an elderly couple at the next table because they kept staring at her. But when we got back to her place she really lost it. All of a sudden she started screaming locked herself in a cupboard trapping my tie and part of my jacket in the door and singing selected Dean Martin tunes all night. Needless to say if I ever hear "That's Amore" again I may need sedating.

MARTIN

Where did you find this woman? On top of the Space Needle trying to build a nest?

FRASIER

Here we shared a table.

NILES

Unless you were wearing your foil hat that wasn't the only thing you shared.

DAPHNE

Have you decided what you're first column is going to be about Mr. Crane?

MARTIN

I haven't got a clue.

FRASIER

It's sounds interesting then.

NILES

It should help my insomniacs.

MARTIN

Frasier shows helps with that.

NILES

I know but I just want to help them sleep not comatose them.

MARTIN

Anyway I've been told just to write about my everyday life, things that interest and concern me just like my letters.

FRASIER

Then it'll be joyous to read at the breakfast table your theories on why beer nuts seem to have decreased in size over the last ten years instead of hearing it.

ROZ ENTERS

ROZ

Oh good you're still here. Well they've picked me, so apart from faking my own death, how can I get out of it?

MARTIN

Just quit, listening to Frasier prattle on day after day can't be good for your health anyway.

FRASIER

She's been called up for jury duty, but thanks anyway for that shot of confidence.

DAPHNE

My mother always thought I'd end up in a courtroom.

NILES

What as a lawyer?

DAPHNE

No in the dock. When I was six me teacher asked me at school what I wanted to be when I grew up and I said mass murderer. That's one ambition I never have lived up to.

NILES GLANCES WORRIEDLY AROUND THE TABLE

FRASIER

Sleep well Niles.

DAPHNE

It's quite worrying when you think about it especially when you consider what that psychic told me as well. I guess that means you'll have to start locking the kitchen knifes away.

NILES

It won't come to that.

FRASIER

Yes we'll have you committed a long time before it comes to that.

ROZ

So how do I get out of it?

MARTIN

These things are really interesting Roz, you might enjoy it and look at all the time you get off work.

ROZ

Maybe I could just throw myself at the judge that might get me out of it.

NILES

You've done it before to avoid that fine.

ROZ

I did not throw myself at the judge.

FRASIER

You're right, you didn't. Your underwear just happened to catapult itself across the room and land on the judge's lap.

ROZ

You make it sound like a freak occurrence.

AS ROZ GETS HERSELF A COFFEE WE:

FADE OUT

(D)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — MORNING — DAY/3
(Niles, Martin, Frasier, Daphne, Roz)

NILES HAS SOME DARK MIXTURE WHIZZING AROUND THE BLENDER AS FRASIER LEANS UP THE COUNTER DRINKING HIS COFFEE

NILES

Frasier I've had a little trouble recently...

ENTER MARTIN WHO PICKS UP A CUP OF COFFEE

MARTIN

Oh don't mind me.

NILES

And then the narcoleptic said so that's how the pretzel ended up in my ear.

MARTIN ROLLS HIS EYES AND EXITS

FRASIER

What are you talking about?

NILES

I don't want Dad to hear.

FRASIER

Hear what?

NILES

I've been having a little problem, you know south of the border.

FRASIER

Excuse me?

NILES

Frasier please don't make me spell it out to you.

FRASIER

So how long?

NILES

Frasier I don't think that's any of your business.

FRASIER

How long has it been going on?

NILES

A couple of days.

FRASIER

Then what's the big deal? That happened all the time when I was married to Lilith.

NILES

Yeah but that was Lilith. I'm surprised you didn't suffer frostbite.

FRASIER

Oh yes because Maris and Mel were the warmest women in the world. Just don't think about it, that'll add extra pressure. What is that?

NILES POURS THE CONTENTS ON THE BLENDER INTO A GLASS

NILES

A protein energy shake. With the amount of these I've been drinking recently I'll be able to run a three minute mile while carrying a cow on my shoulder and milking it.

DAPHNE ENTERS

FRASIER

And that's a lovely image to start the day with.

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER EXITS TO ANSWER THE DOOR

DAPHNE

What's your shake taste like?

NILES

Like I'm drinking the liquid that accumulates at the bottom of the garbage disposal.

DAPHNE

Don't ever think about leaving psychiatry and getting a job in marketing.

NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT INTO THE LIVING ROOM

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

AS NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS

ROZ

So how do I look? Respectable?

FRASIER

You look great Roz. Although you only need to dress up when you're actually pleading not guilty, not to sit on the jury.

ROZ

I want to look nice.

NILES

You have to look at this from Roz's point of view, all those butch men, in matching uniforms, wearing handcuffs; she's looking for a husband.

ROZ

I sure hope everyone in that courtroom will be able to rise when asked without a protein shake.

NILES GLARES AT DAPHNE

DAPHNE

What are you looking at me like that for? We're women, we tell each other everything.

ROZ

Well I've got to go. Here's your paper.

ROZ HANDS FRASIER THE PAPER AND HER IMMEDIATELY OPENS IT

FRASIER

Oh let's look for Dad's column.

ROZ

What did he write about in the end anyway?

NILES

He never told us.

FRASIER

Oh here it is. (FRASIER READS IT) I'm going to kill him. (SHOUTS) Dad! Get out here!

DAPHNE

What is it?

NILES TAKES THE PAPER FROM FRASIER

NILES

"Dean Martin Dates From Hell" by Martin Crane. 'Is it any wonder in modern times that the young people of today are constantly seeking therapy from high paid jokers,' thanks Dad, 'and killing themselves when they suffer the trauma of trying to find a loved one to spend the rest of their lives with. Take for example my son Frasier and the woman he went out with last week.' I won't read you the story because I know you both know it.

ROZ

Oh my God.

DAPHNE

This whole article is about your date?

FRASIER

No about numerous disastrous dates. Dad get out here!

MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM

MARTIN

What is it? Oh the paper. Did you read my column?

FRASIER

Give me your cane. Now I'll let you guess where about your person I am going to insert it.

AS FRASIER CONTINUES TO RANK AND RAVE WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(E)

FADE IN:

EXT. OUTSIDE CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/4
(Frasier, Niles, Man, Waitress, Roz)

NILES GOES TO EXIT INSIDE NERVOSA AS FRASIER SKULKS AROUND THE CORNER TRYING TO HIDE HIS FACE

FRASIER

I'm not sure I can do this.

NILES

Frasier you go in here everyday, these people know you.

FRASIER

Exactly, that means they'll be able to make more fun of me then strangers do.

NILES

No one has been making fun of you.

FRASIER

There were school children pointing at me and laughing. How children of that age have even heard of Dean Martin let alone know the words to his songs is beyond me.

NILES

That's because they were playing an alternate version of "That's Amore" on the breakfast show this morning.

FRASIER

An alternate version?

NILES

Yeah something along the lines of 'When the moon hits the sky, like a big alien eye, that's a Martian, that's a Martian. When the...

FRASIER

All right that's enough.

NILES

But I haven't reached my favourite part yet. Never mind I'll just listen to it again when I get back in my car. Now come on inside.

FRASIER

No.

NILES

Fine but I'm going in. If I were you I'd do the same as it looks as if it's about to rain and you haven't brought your foil hat to keep the rain off your head.

FRASIER

Oh all right fine.

NILES

Good, "Because baby it's cold outside."

FRASIER

Will you stop that!

FRASIER AND NILES EXIT INSIDE

RESET TO:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER AND NILES ENTER AND WALK TO THE COUNTER TO BE SERVED. A MAN STANDS UP TO SPEAK TO FRASIER AS HE WALKS PAST

MAN

Hey doc that's a great tie.

FRASIER

Why thank you very much.

MAN

What's it made from? Saturn? I mean satin?

A WAITRESS APPROACHES THEM

FRASIER

How very funny. Can I have an expresso with the Kenya blend please?

WAITRESS

We're out of the Kenya blend, I'm sorry.

FRASIER

Oh what a shame.

WAITRESS

Yes I know, "Ain't that a kick in the head"? I'll just get you a substitute.

FRASIER AND NILES SIT DOWN

FRASIER

How are things on the Daphne front?

NILES

Back to normal, my crisis is over.

FRASIER

I hardly call twice a crisis.

NILES

But I have seven years to catch up on. That's seven years worth of sex.

FRASIER

Yes but you do understand that you wouldn't have spent the seven years doing that and only that don't you?

NILES

Yes but don't tell her that.

ROZ ENTERS AND SITS DOWN

ROZ

Hi guys. How did the show go today? Did you miss me?

FRASIER

Hi Roz, it went fine. How about the case?

ROZ

Oh you would not believe the case I'm sitting in on, it's the...

NILES

Wait a minute Roz, I didn't think you were allowed to discuss the case.

ROZ

But this is gossip, gossip can't be illegal.

FRASIER

I'm not sure how well that argument will stand up in court.

ROZ

I'm on the Brad Frijol case.

FRASIER

Wait a second isn't he the guy who murdered his girlfriend?

ROZ

I think the word you're searching for there is allegedly. Allegedly. Have you seen what he looks like?

NILES

I don't believe so.

ROZ

Oh my God, I could not believe my eyes when they brought him out. He was so pretty I almost had a stroke.

FRASIER

Of what?

NILES

I think they generally frown upon molesting the accused.

ROZ

Well thanks for pointing that out or I'd never have known.

FRASIER

Surely you can't be attracted to this man he murdered his girlfriend.

ROZ

Allegedly murdered his girlfriend. Allegedly. I know it's only been a day but quite frankly I don't think he did it.

NILES

What?

ROZ

It was an accident.

FRASIER

He decapitated his girlfriend with a chainsaw.

ROZ

Well those things have a habit of getting away from you if you have a lapse in concentration.

NILES

Which is exactly why Daphne won't let me keep mine in her bedroom. I'm always loosing control of it and maiming her unicorns.

ROZ

But he's so pretty. He can't have done it.

NILES

You can't give him not guilty just because he's good looking.

ROZ

Why not?

FRASIER

Roz you amaze me.

ROZ

I'm sorry Frasier what did you say? I couldn't hear over the noise of the mother ship hovering overhead.

NILES

Oh leave her alone Frasier. Roz is just looking for love, albeit in the wrong places, but still. After all "You're nobody until somebody loves you".

FRASIER

Will you stop that! It won't be long until you appear in Dad's column.

NILES

Oh come on, he'd never do that.

CUT TO:

(F)

CUT TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/5
(Niles, Daphne, Frasier Martin, Roz)

DAPHNE OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND NILES ENTERS LOOKING EXTREMELY ANGRY HOLDING A NEWSPAPER

NILES

(SHOUTS) Dad! Dad! Get in here!

FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN

DAPHNE

What's the matter? My God look at how tense your eyebrows are.

NILES

Have you read Dad's column?

DAPHNE

No the paper hasn't come yet. Why what's it about?

NILES

Me.

A HUGE SMILE CREEPS ACROSS FRASIER'S FACE

FRASIER

Oh how the tides have turned.

NILES

This isn't funny.

DAPHNE TAKES THE PAPER AND OPENS IT

DAPHNE

What's he written about you? Oh no!

FRASIER LEANS OVER DAPHNE'S SHOULDER TO READ THE PAPER

FRASIER

I have to say Niles I'm jealous. I only had a column written about me, not a column, a medical special and help lines about male impotence.

NILES

Stop it!

FRASIER

I'm sorry Niles I was only trying to get a rise out of you.

NILES

Stop it! How did he even find out about this?

DAPHNE

I may have accidentally told him.

NILES

Why?

DAPHNE

He nearly drank one of your shakes.

NILES

And it had impotence combater on the side?

DAPHNE

No I told him it was for you and he was worried that you were ill, so I told him the truth. Are you mad at me?

NILES

No I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at Dad.

MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM

MARTIN

Why is it every Monday morning recently I've been woken up by one of you boys screaming?

FRASIER

Oh I wonder why.

NILES

What took you so long?

MARTIN

I had to find my pants. Eddie had dragged them under my bed and made himself a pillow from them again.

NILES

How could you?

MARTIN

It wasn't as hard as you'd think. I just had to get on the floor and hook them out with the end of my cane.

NILES

That's not what I meant.

DAPHNE

(TO FRASIER) Do you think we should leave?

FRASIER

(TO DAPHNE) No he made fun of me I want to make fun of him.

DAPHNE

(TO FRASIER) Can't you just feed his homework to the dog?

MARTIN

What are you so angry about?

NILES

Your column.

MARTIN

Oh you read it? What did you think?

NILES

I think I'm about to make you swallow it.

MARTIN

Why? What's wrong?

NILES

You have just broadcast to the whole of Seattle that I am suffering from impotence problems. Which I am not.

DAPHNE

Well not anymore anyway.

MARTIN

What's your problem, that's going to help a lot of people.

FRASIER

That's right, no one laughs anymore.

NILES

(TO FRASIER) Listen Dean Martin you have no right to mock me.

MARTIN

I don't understand what you're getting so steamed about.

NILES

You've humiliated me. Didn't it ever occur to you that I didn't want this broadcast around?

SFX: DOORBELL

MARTIN

Actually no it didn't.

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS IN A LOW CUT DRESS

ROZ

What do you think about my outfit?

FRASIER

It does have a certain back alley, moneymaking quality to it.

ROZ

Are you saying I look slutty?

FRASIER

Possibly.

ROZ

Great that's what I was going for.

ROZ EXITS SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HER BEFORE FRASIER POINTS AFTER HER

FRASIER

The American legal system ladies and gentlemen.

AS NILES BEGINS TO CONFRONT MARTIN AGAIN WE:

FADE OUT

(G)

TITLE CARD: "IT WOULD TO EASIER TO INSTALL HIM WITH A MUTE BUTTON"

FADE IN:

INT. KACL CORRIDOR — AFTERNOON — DAY/5
(Kenny, Frasier, Keith, Danny (VO), Alice (VO))

FRASIER WALKS DOWN THE CORRIDOR TOWARDS HIS BOOTH TRYING NOT TO MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ANYONE ELSE AS KENNY ENTERS FROM AROUND THE CORNER

KENNY

Hi doc.

FRASIER

Kenny.

KENNY

Hey I read an article about you the other day.

FRASIER

Really Kenny I thought you were above this. Yes my father has a column in the Seattle Times and has unfortunately printed things that I wish he hadn't, but do you really need to make my humiliation worse? So I have a poor dating record, so what? Just because she wears a tin hat and locks herself in a cupboard doesn't mean that I do. And so what my brother has had a small temporary impotence problem. It's probably stress. What man doesn't suffer that fate? I've lost count of the amount of times it's happened to me. Can't we just be grown up about this and forget about it?

KENNY

What?

FRASIER

What do you mean what?

KENNY

I read a story about your old prep school. I didn't even know your Dad had a column.

FRASIER

Well then just disregard what I said.

KENNY

You've really lost count?

FRASIER

I wasn't counting to begin with.

KENNY

I'm not surprised if your girlfriends wear tin hats. They aren't the biggest turn on.

FRASIER

Well you see...(SHOUTS) leave me alone.

FRASIER EXITS INTO HIS BOOTH

RESET TO:

INT. RADIO BOOTH — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER ENTERS HIS BOOTH AND PUTS HIS BRIEF CASE DOWN AS KEITH, HIS TEMPORALLY PRODUCER, SITS BEHIND THE GLASS. KEITH SMILES SMUGLY AT FRASIER

KEITH

Hi Dr. Crane.

FRASIER

Don't look at me like that. You're a substitute producer. (FRASIER GOES ON AIR) Hello Seattle this is Dr. Frasier Crane and I'll be with you for the next three hours so please call in. Now without further ado let's get straight to the phones. Keith who do we have on line one?

KEITH

We have Danny from Tacoma.

FRASIER

Hello Danny, I'm listening.

DANNY (VO)

Hi Dr. Crane. I have more of a question for you then a problem.

FRASIER

I'm always happy to help.

DANNY (VO)

Can you actually tell me what the aluminium hat looked like, I want to try to make one for myself.

FRASIER CUTS OFF DANNY AND HANGS UP

FRASIER

Thank you for your call Danny. Whom do we have next?

KEITH

Alice on line two.

FRASIER

Hello Alice, I'm listening.

ALICE (VO)

Hello Dr. Crane. So do you believe in the aliens as well or is it just your girlfriend? Because if you're one sandwich short of a full picnic I don't think you should be in charge of others people's mental health.

FRASIER SLUMPS OVER IN HIS SEAT AS WE:

DISSOLVE TO:

(H)

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/5
(Frasier, Judith (VO), Niles, Keith)

FRASIER SITS WITH HIS TIE LOOSENED, SLUMPED EVEN FURTHER OVER HIS CONTROL PANEL, WITH KEITH STILL LOOKING SMUG BEHIND THE GLASS

FRASIER

I'm sure my brother would appreciate your comments Judith but I'm not sure he'd be able to purchase a ferret liver to make the health shake.

JUDITH (VO)

No problem just give me his number and I'll sort him out. I breed them.

FRASIER

If it's all the same with you Judith I think we'll both pass.

JUDITH (VO)

Suit yourself.

FRASIER HANGS UP

FRASIER

Seattle we'll be right back after this commercial break.

FRASIER GOES OFF AIR AS NILES ENTERS INTO THE BOOTH

NILES

I am going to kill him for this.

FRASIER

That makes two of us. Why weren't you at Nervosa?

NILES

Because I'm sick of being laughed at. This isn't helping my problem.

FRASIER

Judith has a well to help.

NILES

With all due respect I think Judith needs one of your aluminium hats.

FRASIER

How about we have a few glasses of scotch tonight?

NILES

That's fine apart from the glasses part.

FRASIER

Bottles?

NILES

Now you're talking my language.

FRASIER

Which is surprising since most of my callers think I speak Lipzing apart from the smattering of English I've learnt from Dean Martin.

AS NILES EXITS AND FRASIER GOES BACK ON AIR WE:

FADE OUT

(I)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/5
(Martin, Frasier, Daphne, Roz, Reporter)

FRASIER IS MAKING A CUP OF COFFEE AS MARTIN ENTERS AND LOOKS AROUND RATHER SHEEPISHLY BEFORE HE SPEAKS

MARTIN

What are you doing?

FRASIER

Plotting your death. I'm making a cup of coffee, would you like one?

MARTIN

As long as there isn't any arsenic in it.

FRASIER

And where would I get arsenic from?

MARTIN

Well I think Daphne uses it in most of her cooking.

FRASIER

That's one advantage of her marrying Niles and moving out.

MARTIN

Except we'll still have to digest thanksgiving dinner.

FRASIER

I think Niles will already be dead by that point.

MARTIN

I heard your show today.

FRASIER

I bet that made you proud.

MARTIN

Frasier I'm really sorry. I just didn't think. I was trying to help other people. I didn't mean to hurt you boys in the process.

FRASIER

I know you didn't.

MARTIN

I'm going to stop doing the column.

FRASIER

There's no need to do that.

MARTIN

If I could have thought of something to write I wouldn't have humiliated you boys. So it's for the best.

FRASIER

Believe it or not Dad but I'm sure that they did help some people out there. And for that I'm proud of you, but still a little angry.

MARTIN

Thanks son.

FRASIER

But I really think its Niles you should be apologising to.

MARTIN

I know, I will as soon as he gets here.

DAPHNE

(OFF STAGE) Dr. Crane! Dr. Crane come and see this.

FRASIER AND MARTIN EXIT INTO THE LIVING ROOM

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE SITS ON THE COUCH LOOKING ABSOLUTELY GOB SMACKED AT THE TELEVISION AS FRASIER AND MARTIN ENTER

FRASIER

What is it?

DAPHNE

Roz is on the TV.

MARTIN

So she is.

ROZ

(ON TV) Let me go, he's so pretty. Have my children.

REPORTER

(ON TV) The trial was just about to restart after a long recess when the court stenographer got his finger caught, when the incident happened. A crazed woman from the jury suddenly leapt out of her seat and started barrowing down on the defendant Mr. Frijol and clung to him like saran rap. The woman was eventually sedated after two uncertain hours and was dragged away. At the moment what actually caused this attack is uncertain but it's just the latest twist in an already eventful murder trial.

FRASIER

Is there any chance that wasn't Roz?

MARTIN

There's every chance.

SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING

DAPHNE PICKS UP THE PHONE

DAPHNE

Hello? It's Roz.

DAPHNE HANDS FRASIER THE PHONE

FRASIER

Hello? Hold on. I'll be right there to bail you out.

AS FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE AND GOES TO EXIT WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

CLOSING CREDITS: FRASIER OPENS THE FRIDGE AND PEERS INSIDE. AFTER A MOMENT HE PULLS OUT A SWAN MADE FROM ALUMINIUM FOIL CONTAINING LEFT OVERS. HE PUTS IT DOWN ON THE COUNTER AND STARES AT IT FOR A MOMENT. HE THEN PICKS IT UP AND TRIES TO PUT IT ON HIS HEAD AS MARTIN ENTERS AND LAUGHS AT HIM CAUSING HIM TO DROP IT ON THE FLOOR