I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
Well obviously no one except Jodie, Marissa and Amanda wanted last week's prize so I really can't be bothered to offer one this week, they'll just have to share the badgers noses between them (Amanda can't have any because its compulsory for her to send me feedback because 1) we go to university together and 2) because who told Phill Moran about my writing these in that TV seminar!!!!). In fact I may just go off in the corner and sulk. But anyway if you want to send me feedback send it to kelly_simba@hotmail.com.
Enjoy...
...Oh wait before I begin, I just have one
question to ask. Where have all the fanfic writers gone? Are they being taken
out one by one? Is someone breaking into their homes in the middle of the
night, climbing the stairs with a whippet between their teeth, and then
sneaking up behind them while they type away and snat...
Alternative Season Nine Episode Six
The Front Page
By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)
ACT ONE(A)
TITLE CARD: "IF THERE'S A TAXI STRIKE THEY REPLACE THEM WITH STEAM ROLLERS AND COMBINE HARVESTERS"
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Frasier, Niles, Roz, Man)
FRASIER AND NILES SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWDED NERVOSA DRINKING THEIR COFFEE. FRASIER IS IN THE MIDDLE OF A STORY
FRASIER
It was without doubt the worse date, in the history of bad dates. Being set upon by a group of rabid gophers while being forced to watch a Monster Truck Rally would have been more preferable. In fact I'd rather remarry Lilith, have a life of misery and get brain freezes every time I kiss her then repeat that experience.
NILES
But didn't you come home this morning?
FRASIER
Well yes, but you see I couldn't leave.
NILES
Glued to the floor were you?
FRASIER
No it was because...
FRASIER LOOKS AROUND AND SEES LOTS OF PEOPLE STANDING CLOSE BY
FRASIER (CONT'D)
I think maybe this is a conversation for a more private occasion. It's not something I want other people over hearing. There's no point in more then the two of us getting traumatised for life.
NILES
Am I sure I really want to hear this? But then again if I can cope listening to my patients sordid sex lives and rather vivid and pornographic drawings I can surly cope with yours. It doesn't involve a pumpkin and a bottle of vapour rub does it?
FRASIER
No.
NILES
Thank God, I just thought I'd check. I don't want to have that dream again. I woke up shaking with a handful of Daphne's hair.
ROZ ENTERS LOOKING EXTREMELY FLUSTERED AND SITS DOWN
ROZ
Oh my God, my life could not get any worse. Actually getting mowed down by a tractor in the middle of the street may improve my situation.
NILES
Now I'm not really sure I want to hear this.
FRASIER
And how many tractors have you seen in downtown Seattle? Does the city keep them as backup in case a bus breaks down at short notice? Do you have to pay extra to be dragged behind it by your teeth?
ROZ
That's not the point wise ass! I'm having a major crisis here.
FRASIER
What's the matter with you?
ROZ
I've been called up on jury duty.
NILES
And?
ROZ
And? What and? That's it, I've been called up on jury duty.
FRASIER
Roz there are people out there forced to drink inferior wine out of boxes and sit in coach on long hall business flights without a slumber mask and a massage. I would hardly call being called up to serve your country a crisis. It's those poor souls we should pity not you.
NILES
Think of it this way, you'll get out of listening to Frasier drone on in his show while you serve. Nothing can be worse then that. In fact if you ever loose your hearing that could be put down as a work related illness. You could sue Frasier for millions.
ROZ
You know, you've got a point there.
FRASIER
I think my ten thousand strong listening base throughout Washington and parts of Canada would disagree with you.
ROZ
It's just a shame the majority of them have a multiple personality disorder which cuts the numbers down a lot.
NILES
So in reality you could count the number of fans you have on your fingers and still drive on the freeway at rush hour.
A MAN WALKS PAST BEHIND FRASIER
FRASIER
Thank you both so much, but I do have real fans.
MAN
Yes you do and I count myself as one.
FRASIER
Thank you Sir.
MAN
Yes you do and I count myself as one. (TALKING TO HIS SHOULDER) I've just said that. No you didn't. Yes I did now stop embarrassing me.
THE MAN EXITS
ROZ
I think the prosecution rests.
NILES
I wonder what case you'll get. Senator Rafitor's case is coming up soon. Did you see what he did to those cows? No wonder their milk production has been on the scarce side recently. I'm amazed they're not all blind and clucking.
ROZ
My guess would be after that experience the milk they are producing is chocolate milk.
FRASIER
Let's just hope the trial is before your "friend" comes to visit for the month.
ROZ
And what does that mean?
FRASIER
Oh come on Roz, we've all seen how irrational you can become. I've still got the scars from when you attacked me with that pencil sharpener. Have you noticed how sharp my fingers are recently? I pity the poor man who has you decide his fate, when you've had a disastrous date and you're in one of your "moods".
ROZ
That's the most sexist thing I have ever heard. If you were ever called up, you'd call for the death sentence for some poor guy who accidentally broke of bottle of your expensive Mr. Fancy pants wine.
NILES
Well who wouldn't? That is a crime.
FRASIER
And of course it all depends on what wine.
AS FRASIER AND NILES CHAT AND IGNORE ROZ WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — DAY/1
(Daphne, Niles, Martin, Frasier)
NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER FROM DAPHNE'S ROOM. NILES LOOKS EXTREMELY EMBARRASSED AND UPSET AS DAPHNE TRIES TO COMFORT HIM. NILES SITS ON THE COUCH AND DAPHNE SITS ON THE ARM OF MARTIN'S CHAIR
DAPHNE
Niles I've told you, it doesn't matter.
NILES
I'm just so embarrassed.
DAPHNE
Forget about it, I have.
NILES
That's because there wasn't anything to remember in the first place. It's never happened to me before.
DAPHNE
(SURPRISED) What never?
NILES
Well not with you.
DAPHNE
But you have been under a lot of stress recently.
NILES
No I haven't. If this is what happens when I'm not stressed will it drop off completely when I am?
DAPHNE
Just forget about it.
NILES
I can't. Why won't I work anymore? It's all those years of being married to Maris. I was only going to live a sex-starved life for so long before everything froze up. You can't leave a Sub Zero 5756 Commando freezer unplugged for years and then plug it in and expect it to run none stop. Things are bound to overheat and breakdown.
DAPHNE
I've told you it doesn't matter. Once, that's all. If it gets into double figures by the end of the week then yes I'll be a little annoyed and suggest a trip to the doctors and maybe even some hydraulic equipment.
NILES
Thanks, no pressure.
DAPHNE SITS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH
DAPHNE
Think of the pressure if it happens on our honeymoon.
NILES
Do you want it to never happen again?
DAPHNE
Oh I'm sorry. (KISS) Was I pressuring you? (KISS) I'll never (KISS) Do it (KISS) Again (KISS)
MARTIN ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR HOLDING A NEWSPAPER AS NILES AND DAPHNE CONTINUE TO KISS
MARTIN
Hi guys.
NILES BREAKS THE KISS AND LOOKS UP TO THE HEAVENS
NILES
Oh great now it works.
MARTIN
What does?
DAPHNE
Nothing.
MARTIN
Is Frasier here?
DAPHNE
I think he's in his room.
MARTIN
(SHOUTS) Frasier! Frasier get in here! Frasier!
NILES
In his room, not in Cuba having his ears removed!
FRASIER RUNS IN FROM HIS ROOM
FRASIER
What is it? Who has been murdered?
MARTIN
I've got something to show you.
FRASIER
Then it must be Eddie impaled on a spoon because otherwise I don't see any reason why you'd be shouting like that.
MARTIN
This is good news.
FRASIER
So Eddie really has been impaled? That's not good news that glorious news.
MARTIN
No look at the paper.
MARTIN HANDS NILES THE OPEN PAPER WHO LOOKS AT IT WITH DAPHNE AND FRASIER LEANING OVER TO LOOK AS WELL
DAPHNE
Oh yes look at that.
NILES
You've completed the crossword. Although I hate to be picky Dad but Zipwing is not a type of potato and there's no W in England.
DAPHNE
That all depends on if you have a speech impediment or not.
FRASIER
So let me get this straight I've come out here because of a crossword? Well at least I've had a seizure running out of my room for a good reason.
MARTIN
Try looking past your nose above the crossword in the letters.
FRASIER
Oh yes a letter by Martin Crane. Isn't this the forth one you'd had printed now?
NILES
Who knew you could write so many letters about that Jane Mansfield jungle dream?
MARTIN
Actually it's a letter of complaint.
NILES
Have they cancelled your favourite TV show again?
DAPHNE
It wasn't cancelled last time, the show was just on hiatus for the summer. We have this discussion every year. I'm going to start to tape it so I don't have to repeat myself.
MARTIN
It's about the dog park actually.
FRASIER
Have they been letting those pesky dogs go there again?
MARTIN
I just think that the place could be cleaned up a little.
DAPHNE
I'll say I found a condom on the mouthpiece of the water fountain last week.
FRASIER
That's disgusting.
DAPHNE
Well not really, it's actually quite useful. It was a glow in the dark condom. So if it was dark and you wanted a drink of water, you'd always find the mouthpiece.
FRASIER
Yes and some possibly highly contagious disease.
NILES
Wait a second the dogs have a water fountain?
MARTIN
Surprisingly no. They need to do something down there, there are broken bottles all over the floor and it's just not safe for the dogs there anymore. Eddie could accidentally slit his wrists on the glass.
SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING
FRASIER
Wouldn't that be a shame.
DAPHNE STANDS AND ANSWERS THE PHONE
DAPHNE
Mr. Crane it's for you.
MARTIN PICKS UP THE PHONE
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
(TO FRASIER AND NILES) It's a woman.
FRASIER AND NILES BOTH GIVE EACH OTHER KNOWING GLANCES
MARTIN
(TO FRASIER AND NILES) Oh put your eyebrows down. (ON THE PHONE) Hello? Yes this is he. Really? Well that would be great. Sure. At the office? And what time would that be? That's fine. Who do I ask for? OK thanks a lot. Bye.
MARTIN HANGS UP THE PHONE AND SITS IN HIS CHAIR
FRASIER
Well are you going to tell us or do I have to Star 69 to find out who that was?
MARTIN
That was the newspaper. They want to talk to me about getting a column in the paper once a week.
FRASIER
You're going to have a column in a newspaper?
MARTIN
Yeah that's right.
FRASIER
Then why don't I just add that to my list of reasons to drink drain cleaner and die?
DAPHNE
What are you going to write about?
MARTIN
They said anything I want, but we'll talk more about it tomorrow.
DAPHNE
Well then congratulations.
NILES
Yeah that's great Dad.
MARTIN
Can you believe it, my column is going to be on news stands, in waiting rooms, everywhere.
FRASIER
Including litter trays.
AS FRASIER EXITS BACK INTO HIS ROOM WE:
FADE OUT
(C)
TITLE CARD: "ON THE PLUS SIDE HE'LL PLAY REQUESTS"
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/2
(Niles, Frasier, Daphne, Martin, Roz)
FRASIER, NILES AND DAPHNE SIT BY THE WINDOW IN NERVOSA
NILES
Frasier you never did tell me what was so disastrous about your date the other night. You've still got all your fingers so it couldn't have been that bad.
FRASIER
Not now Niles.
NILES
Why not?
FRASIER
Just because.
DAPHNE
Oh I see, he doesn't want to talk because the servant is here.
FRASIER
Daphne you know very well I've never looked at you that way... well not anymore anyway, it won't be long until you're my sister-in-law.
DAPHNE
My God that's a frightening thought. Having you and your father as my in-laws. Have I still got time to change my mind and just shack up with you in a trailer park with a bigheaded banjo boy on the doorstep instead?
NILES
Wait let me think. (INSTANTLY) No.
FRASIER
I'd still rather not discuss it, if it's all the same with you.
DAPHNE
Why not?
FRASIER
Because it's embarrassing.
DAPHNE
Well you either tell us both now, or I'll get it out of him later in rather unusual and enjoyable ways and have a good laugh at it behind your back.
FRASIER
Oh all right fine. Amanda's mental state wasn't exactly stable. In fact it's safe to say she's one step away from wearing an aluminium foil hat so that the aliens won't steal her brain waves.
NILES
And you didn't pick this up before?
FRASIER
I thought she was trying to keep the rain off her head. Anyway...
MARTIN ENTERS AND SITS NEXT TO FRASIER
MARTIN
Hi guys.
FRASIER
Never mind I'll tell you later.
MARTIN
Don't stop on my account.
FRASIER
But it's a little embarrassing.
MARTIN
You either tell me now or I'll get it out of Daphne later.
FRASIER
Do you three tell each other everything?
NILES
Only if it's something really embarrassing about you.
FRASIER
OK fine. Well dinner went fine apart from she kept stabbing her hand with her fork and throwing water over an elderly couple at the next table because they kept staring at her. But when we got back to her place she really lost it. All of a sudden she started screaming locked herself in a cupboard trapping my tie and part of my jacket in the door and singing selected Dean Martin tunes all night. Needless to say if I ever hear "That's Amore" again I may need sedating.
MARTIN
Where did you find this woman? On top of the Space Needle trying to build a nest?
FRASIER
Here we shared a table.
NILES
Unless you were wearing your foil hat that wasn't the only thing you shared.
DAPHNE
Have you decided what you're first column is going to be about Mr. Crane?
MARTIN
I haven't got a clue.
FRASIER
It's sounds interesting then.
NILES
It should help my insomniacs.
MARTIN
Frasier shows helps with that.
NILES
I know but I just want to help them sleep not comatose them.
MARTIN
Anyway I've been told just to write about my everyday life, things that interest and concern me just like my letters.
FRASIER
Then it'll be joyous to read at the breakfast table your theories on why beer nuts seem to have decreased in size over the last ten years instead of hearing it.
ROZ ENTERS
ROZ
Oh good you're still here. Well they've picked me, so apart from faking my own death, how can I get out of it?
MARTIN
Just quit, listening to Frasier prattle on day after day can't be good for your health anyway.
FRASIER
She's been called up for jury duty, but thanks anyway for that shot of confidence.
DAPHNE
My mother always thought I'd end up in a courtroom.
NILES
What as a lawyer?
DAPHNE
No in the dock. When I was six me teacher asked me at school what I wanted to be when I grew up and I said mass murderer. That's one ambition I never have lived up to.
NILES GLANCES WORRIEDLY AROUND THE TABLE
FRASIER
Sleep well Niles.
DAPHNE
It's quite worrying when you think about it especially when you consider what that psychic told me as well. I guess that means you'll have to start locking the kitchen knifes away.
NILES
It won't come to that.
FRASIER
Yes we'll have you committed a long time before it comes to that.
ROZ
So how do I get out of it?
MARTIN
These things are really interesting Roz, you might enjoy it and look at all the time you get off work.
ROZ
Maybe I could just throw myself at the judge that might get me out of it.
NILES
You've done it before to avoid that fine.
ROZ
I did not throw myself at the judge.
FRASIER
You're right, you didn't. Your underwear just happened to catapult itself across the room and land on the judge's lap.
ROZ
You make it sound like a freak occurrence.
AS ROZ GETS HERSELF A COFFEE WE:
FADE OUT
(D)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — MORNING — DAY/3
(Niles, Martin, Frasier, Daphne, Roz)
NILES HAS SOME DARK MIXTURE WHIZZING AROUND THE BLENDER AS FRASIER LEANS UP THE COUNTER DRINKING HIS COFFEE
NILES
Frasier I've had a little trouble recently...
ENTER MARTIN WHO PICKS UP A CUP OF COFFEE
MARTIN
Oh don't mind me.
NILES
And then the narcoleptic said so that's how the pretzel ended up in my ear.
MARTIN ROLLS HIS EYES AND EXITS
FRASIER
What are you talking about?
NILES
I don't want Dad to hear.
FRASIER
Hear what?
NILES
I've been having a little problem, you know south of the border.
FRASIER
Excuse me?
NILES
Frasier please don't make me spell it out to you.
FRASIER
So how long?
NILES
Frasier I don't think that's any of your business.
FRASIER
How long has it been going on?
NILES
A couple of days.
FRASIER
Then what's the big deal? That happened all the time when I was married to Lilith.
NILES
Yeah but that was Lilith. I'm surprised you didn't suffer frostbite.
FRASIER
Oh yes because Maris and Mel were the warmest women in the world. Just don't think about it, that'll add extra pressure. What is that?
NILES POURS THE CONTENTS ON THE BLENDER INTO A GLASS
NILES
A protein energy shake. With the amount of these I've been drinking recently I'll be able to run a three minute mile while carrying a cow on my shoulder and milking it.
DAPHNE ENTERS
FRASIER
And that's a lovely image to start the day with.
SFX: DOORBELL
FRASIER EXITS TO ANSWER THE DOOR
DAPHNE
What's your shake taste like?
NILES
Like I'm drinking the liquid that accumulates at the bottom of the garbage disposal.
DAPHNE
Don't ever think about leaving psychiatry and getting a job in marketing.
NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT INTO THE LIVING ROOM
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
AS NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS
ROZ
So how do I look? Respectable?
FRASIER
You look great Roz. Although you only need to dress up when you're actually pleading not guilty, not to sit on the jury.
ROZ
I want to look nice.
NILES
You have to look at this from Roz's point of view, all those butch men, in matching uniforms, wearing handcuffs; she's looking for a husband.
ROZ
I sure hope everyone in that courtroom will be able to rise when asked without a protein shake.
NILES GLARES AT DAPHNE
DAPHNE
What are you looking at me like that for? We're women, we tell each other everything.
ROZ
Well I've got to go. Here's your paper.
ROZ HANDS FRASIER THE PAPER AND HER IMMEDIATELY OPENS IT
FRASIER
Oh let's look for Dad's column.
ROZ
What did he write about in the end anyway?
NILES
He never told us.
FRASIER
Oh here it is. (FRASIER READS IT) I'm going to kill him. (SHOUTS) Dad! Get out here!
DAPHNE
What is it?
NILES TAKES THE PAPER FROM FRASIER
NILES
"Dean Martin Dates From Hell" by Martin Crane. 'Is it any wonder in modern times that the young people of today are constantly seeking therapy from high paid jokers,' thanks Dad, 'and killing themselves when they suffer the trauma of trying to find a loved one to spend the rest of their lives with. Take for example my son Frasier and the woman he went out with last week.' I won't read you the story because I know you both know it.
ROZ
Oh my God.
DAPHNE
This whole article is about your date?
FRASIER
No about numerous disastrous dates. Dad get out here!
MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM
MARTIN
What is it? Oh the paper. Did you read my column?
FRASIER
Give me your cane. Now I'll let you guess where about your person I am going to insert it.
AS FRASIER CONTINUES TO RANK AND RAVE WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO(E)
FADE IN:
EXT. OUTSIDE CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/4
(Frasier, Niles, Man, Waitress, Roz)
NILES GOES TO EXIT INSIDE NERVOSA AS FRASIER SKULKS AROUND THE CORNER TRYING TO HIDE HIS FACE
FRASIER
I'm not sure I can do this.
NILES
Frasier you go in here everyday, these people know you.
FRASIER
Exactly, that means they'll be able to make more fun of me then strangers do.
NILES
No one has been making fun of you.
FRASIER
There were school children pointing at me and laughing. How children of that age have even heard of Dean Martin let alone know the words to his songs is beyond me.
NILES
That's because they were playing an alternate version of "That's Amore" on the breakfast show this morning.
FRASIER
An alternate version?
NILES
Yeah something along the lines of 'When the moon hits the sky, like a big alien eye, that's a Martian, that's a Martian. When the...
FRASIER
All right that's enough.
NILES
But I haven't reached my favourite part yet. Never mind I'll just listen to it again when I get back in my car. Now come on inside.
FRASIER
No.
NILES
Fine but I'm going in. If I were you I'd do the same as it looks as if it's about to rain and you haven't brought your foil hat to keep the rain off your head.
FRASIER
Oh all right fine.
NILES
Good, "Because baby it's cold outside."
FRASIER
Will you stop that!
FRASIER AND NILES EXIT INSIDE
RESET TO:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER AND NILES ENTER AND WALK TO THE COUNTER TO BE SERVED. A MAN STANDS UP TO SPEAK TO FRASIER AS HE WALKS PAST
MAN
Hey doc that's a great tie.
FRASIER
Why thank you very much.
MAN
What's it made from? Saturn? I mean satin?
A WAITRESS APPROACHES THEM
FRASIER
How very funny. Can I have an expresso with the Kenya blend please?
WAITRESS
We're out of the Kenya blend, I'm sorry.
FRASIER
Oh what a shame.
WAITRESS
Yes I know, "Ain't that a kick in the head"? I'll just get you a substitute.
FRASIER AND NILES SIT DOWN
FRASIER
How are things on the Daphne front?
NILES
Back to normal, my crisis is over.
FRASIER
I hardly call twice a crisis.
NILES
But I have seven years to catch up on. That's seven years worth of sex.
FRASIER
Yes but you do understand that you wouldn't have spent the seven years doing that and only that don't you?
NILES
Yes but don't tell her that.
ROZ ENTERS AND SITS DOWN
ROZ
Hi guys. How did the show go today? Did you miss me?
FRASIER
Hi Roz, it went fine. How about the case?
ROZ
Oh you would not believe the case I'm sitting in on, it's the...
NILES
Wait a minute Roz, I didn't think you were allowed to discuss the case.
ROZ
But this is gossip, gossip can't be illegal.
FRASIER
I'm not sure how well that argument will stand up in court.
ROZ
I'm on the Brad Frijol case.
FRASIER
Wait a second isn't he the guy who murdered his girlfriend?
ROZ
I think the word you're searching for there is allegedly. Allegedly. Have you seen what he looks like?
NILES
I don't believe so.
ROZ
Oh my God, I could not believe my eyes when they brought him out. He was so pretty I almost had a stroke.
FRASIER
Of what?
NILES
I think they generally frown upon molesting the accused.
ROZ
Well thanks for pointing that out or I'd never have known.
FRASIER
Surely you can't be attracted to this man he murdered his girlfriend.
ROZ
Allegedly murdered his girlfriend. Allegedly. I know it's only been a day but quite frankly I don't think he did it.
NILES
What?
ROZ
It was an accident.
FRASIER
He decapitated his girlfriend with a chainsaw.
ROZ
Well those things have a habit of getting away from you if you have a lapse in concentration.
NILES
Which is exactly why Daphne won't let me keep mine in her bedroom. I'm always loosing control of it and maiming her unicorns.
ROZ
But he's so pretty. He can't have done it.
NILES
You can't give him not guilty just because he's good looking.
ROZ
Why not?
FRASIER
Roz you amaze me.
ROZ
I'm sorry Frasier what did you say? I couldn't hear over the noise of the mother ship hovering overhead.
NILES
Oh leave her alone Frasier. Roz is just looking for love, albeit in the wrong places, but still. After all "You're nobody until somebody loves you".
FRASIER
Will you stop that! It won't be long until you appear in Dad's column.
NILES
Oh come on, he'd never do that.
CUT TO:
(F)
CUT TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/5
(Niles, Daphne, Frasier Martin, Roz)
DAPHNE OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND NILES ENTERS LOOKING EXTREMELY ANGRY HOLDING A NEWSPAPER
NILES
(SHOUTS) Dad! Dad! Get in here!
FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN
DAPHNE
What's the matter? My God look at how tense your eyebrows are.
NILES
Have you read Dad's column?
DAPHNE
No the paper hasn't come yet. Why what's it about?
NILES
Me.
A HUGE SMILE CREEPS ACROSS FRASIER'S FACE
FRASIER
Oh how the tides have turned.
NILES
This isn't funny.
DAPHNE TAKES THE PAPER AND OPENS IT
DAPHNE
What's he written about you? Oh no!
FRASIER LEANS OVER DAPHNE'S SHOULDER TO READ THE PAPER
FRASIER
I have to say Niles I'm jealous. I only had a column written about me, not a column, a medical special and help lines about male impotence.
NILES
Stop it!
FRASIER
I'm sorry Niles I was only trying to get a rise out of you.
NILES
Stop it! How did he even find out about this?
DAPHNE
I may have accidentally told him.
NILES
Why?
DAPHNE
He nearly drank one of your shakes.
NILES
And it had impotence combater on the side?
DAPHNE
No I told him it was for you and he was worried that you were ill, so I told him the truth. Are you mad at me?
NILES
No I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at Dad.
MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM
MARTIN
Why is it every Monday morning recently I've been woken up by one of you boys screaming?
FRASIER
Oh I wonder why.
NILES
What took you so long?
MARTIN
I had to find my pants. Eddie had dragged them under my bed and made himself a pillow from them again.
NILES
How could you?
MARTIN
It wasn't as hard as you'd think. I just had to get on the floor and hook them out with the end of my cane.
NILES
That's not what I meant.
DAPHNE
(TO FRASIER) Do you think we should leave?
FRASIER
(TO DAPHNE) No he made fun of me I want to make fun of him.
DAPHNE
(TO FRASIER) Can't you just feed his homework to the dog?
MARTIN
What are you so angry about?
NILES
Your column.
MARTIN
Oh you read it? What did you think?
NILES
I think I'm about to make you swallow it.
MARTIN
Why? What's wrong?
NILES
You have just broadcast to the whole of Seattle that I am suffering from impotence problems. Which I am not.
DAPHNE
Well not anymore anyway.
MARTIN
What's your problem, that's going to help a lot of people.
FRASIER
That's right, no one laughs anymore.
NILES
(TO FRASIER) Listen Dean Martin you have no right to mock me.
MARTIN
I don't understand what you're getting so steamed about.
NILES
You've humiliated me. Didn't it ever occur to you that I didn't want this broadcast around?
SFX: DOORBELL
MARTIN
Actually no it didn't.
FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS IN A LOW CUT DRESS
ROZ
What do you think about my outfit?
FRASIER
It does have a certain back alley, moneymaking quality to it.
ROZ
Are you saying I look slutty?
FRASIER
Possibly.
ROZ
Great that's what I was going for.
ROZ EXITS SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HER BEFORE FRASIER POINTS AFTER HER
FRASIER
The American legal system ladies and gentlemen.
AS NILES BEGINS TO CONFRONT MARTIN AGAIN WE:
FADE OUT
(G)
TITLE CARD: "IT WOULD TO EASIER TO INSTALL HIM WITH A MUTE BUTTON"
FADE IN:
INT. KACL CORRIDOR — AFTERNOON — DAY/5
(Kenny, Frasier, Keith, Danny (VO), Alice (VO))
FRASIER WALKS DOWN THE CORRIDOR TOWARDS HIS BOOTH TRYING NOT TO MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ANYONE ELSE AS KENNY ENTERS FROM AROUND THE CORNER
KENNY
Hi doc.
FRASIER
Kenny.
KENNY
Hey I read an article about you the other day.
FRASIER
Really Kenny I thought you were above this. Yes my father has a column in the Seattle Times and has unfortunately printed things that I wish he hadn't, but do you really need to make my humiliation worse? So I have a poor dating record, so what? Just because she wears a tin hat and locks herself in a cupboard doesn't mean that I do. And so what my brother has had a small temporary impotence problem. It's probably stress. What man doesn't suffer that fate? I've lost count of the amount of times it's happened to me. Can't we just be grown up about this and forget about it?
KENNY
What?
FRASIER
What do you mean what?
KENNY
I read a story about your old prep school. I didn't even know your Dad had a column.
FRASIER
Well then just disregard what I said.
KENNY
You've really lost count?
FRASIER
I wasn't counting to begin with.
KENNY
I'm not surprised if your girlfriends wear tin hats. They aren't the biggest turn on.
FRASIER
Well you see...(SHOUTS) leave me alone.
FRASIER EXITS INTO HIS BOOTH
RESET TO:
INT. RADIO BOOTH — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER ENTERS HIS BOOTH AND PUTS HIS BRIEF CASE DOWN AS KEITH, HIS TEMPORALLY PRODUCER, SITS BEHIND THE GLASS. KEITH SMILES SMUGLY AT FRASIER
KEITH
Hi Dr. Crane.
FRASIER
Don't look at me like that. You're a substitute producer. (FRASIER GOES ON AIR) Hello Seattle this is Dr. Frasier Crane and I'll be with you for the next three hours so please call in. Now without further ado let's get straight to the phones. Keith who do we have on line one?
KEITH
We have Danny from Tacoma.
FRASIER
Hello Danny, I'm listening.
DANNY (VO)
Hi Dr. Crane. I have more of a question for you then a problem.
FRASIER
I'm always happy to help.
DANNY (VO)
Can you actually tell me what the aluminium hat looked like, I want to try to make one for myself.
FRASIER CUTS OFF DANNY AND HANGS UP
FRASIER
Thank you for your call Danny. Whom do we have next?
KEITH
Alice on line two.
FRASIER
Hello Alice, I'm listening.
ALICE (VO)
Hello Dr. Crane. So do you believe in the aliens as well or is it just your girlfriend? Because if you're one sandwich short of a full picnic I don't think you should be in charge of others people's mental health.
FRASIER SLUMPS OVER IN HIS SEAT AS WE:
DISSOLVE TO:
(H)
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/5
(Frasier, Judith (VO), Niles, Keith)
FRASIER SITS WITH HIS TIE LOOSENED, SLUMPED EVEN FURTHER OVER HIS CONTROL PANEL, WITH KEITH STILL LOOKING SMUG BEHIND THE GLASS
FRASIER
I'm sure my brother would appreciate your comments Judith but I'm not sure he'd be able to purchase a ferret liver to make the health shake.
JUDITH (VO)
No problem just give me his number and I'll sort him out. I breed them.
FRASIER
If it's all the same with you Judith I think we'll both pass.
JUDITH (VO)
Suit yourself.
FRASIER HANGS UP
FRASIER
Seattle we'll be right back after this commercial break.
FRASIER GOES OFF AIR AS NILES ENTERS INTO THE BOOTH
NILES
I am going to kill him for this.
FRASIER
That makes two of us. Why weren't you at Nervosa?
NILES
Because I'm sick of being laughed at. This isn't helping my problem.
FRASIER
Judith has a well to help.
NILES
With all due respect I think Judith needs one of your aluminium hats.
FRASIER
How about we have a few glasses of scotch tonight?
NILES
That's fine apart from the glasses part.
FRASIER
Bottles?
NILES
Now you're talking my language.
FRASIER
Which is surprising since most of my callers think I speak Lipzing apart from the smattering of English I've learnt from Dean Martin.
AS NILES EXITS AND FRASIER GOES BACK ON AIR WE:
FADE OUT
(I)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/5
(Martin, Frasier, Daphne, Roz, Reporter)
FRASIER IS MAKING A CUP OF COFFEE AS MARTIN ENTERS AND LOOKS AROUND RATHER SHEEPISHLY BEFORE HE SPEAKS
MARTIN
What are you doing?
FRASIER
Plotting your death. I'm making a cup of coffee, would you like one?
MARTIN
As long as there isn't any arsenic in it.
FRASIER
And where would I get arsenic from?
MARTIN
Well I think Daphne uses it in most of her cooking.
FRASIER
That's one advantage of her marrying Niles and moving out.
MARTIN
Except we'll still have to digest thanksgiving dinner.
FRASIER
I think Niles will already be dead by that point.
MARTIN
I heard your show today.
FRASIER
I bet that made you proud.
MARTIN
Frasier I'm really sorry. I just didn't think. I was trying to help other people. I didn't mean to hurt you boys in the process.
FRASIER
I know you didn't.
MARTIN
I'm going to stop doing the column.
FRASIER
There's no need to do that.
MARTIN
If I could have thought of something to write I wouldn't have humiliated you boys. So it's for the best.
FRASIER
Believe it or not Dad but I'm sure that they did help some people out there. And for that I'm proud of you, but still a little angry.
MARTIN
Thanks son.
FRASIER
But I really think its Niles you should be apologising to.
MARTIN
I know, I will as soon as he gets here.
DAPHNE
(OFF STAGE) Dr. Crane! Dr. Crane come and see this.
FRASIER AND MARTIN EXIT INTO THE LIVING ROOM
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE SITS ON THE COUCH LOOKING ABSOLUTELY GOB SMACKED AT THE TELEVISION AS FRASIER AND MARTIN ENTER
FRASIER
What is it?
DAPHNE
Roz is on the TV.
MARTIN
So she is.
ROZ
(ON TV) Let me go, he's so pretty. Have my children.
REPORTER
(ON TV) The trial was just about to restart after a long recess when the court stenographer got his finger caught, when the incident happened. A crazed woman from the jury suddenly leapt out of her seat and started barrowing down on the defendant Mr. Frijol and clung to him like saran rap. The woman was eventually sedated after two uncertain hours and was dragged away. At the moment what actually caused this attack is uncertain but it's just the latest twist in an already eventful murder trial.
FRASIER
Is there any chance that wasn't Roz?
MARTIN
There's every chance.
SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING
DAPHNE PICKS UP THE PHONE
DAPHNE
Hello? It's Roz.
DAPHNE HANDS FRASIER THE PHONE
FRASIER
Hello? Hold on. I'll be right there to bail you out.
AS FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE AND GOES TO EXIT WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWOCLOSING CREDITS: FRASIER OPENS THE FRIDGE AND
PEERS INSIDE. AFTER A MOMENT HE PULLS OUT A SWAN MADE FROM ALUMINIUM FOIL
CONTAINING LEFT OVERS. HE PUTS IT DOWN ON THE COUNTER AND STARES AT IT FOR A
MOMENT. HE THEN PICKS IT UP AND TRIES TO PUT IT ON HIS HEAD AS MARTIN ENTERS
AND LAUGHS AT HIM CAUSING HIM TO DROP IT ON THE FLOOR
