I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
If this doesn't make much sense it's because I've had no sleep. A big thank you to everyone who sent me feedback for the last one (both of you). On offer this week, Niles' flour sack complete with bottle and crib for sending feedback to Kelly_simba@hotmail.com
In loving memory of George Rawlins; he was a miserable sod until the end, but that's only one of the many reasons that we loved him so much.
Enjoy...
Alternative Season Nine Episode Seven
One For My Winnebago (And One More For The Road)
By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)
ACT ONE(A)
TITLE CARD: "THE PLAN"
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Frasier, Niles)
FRASIER AND NILES SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWDED NERVOSA DRINKING THEIR COFFEE. FRASIER LOOKS EXTREMELY MISERABLE
FRASIER
It's a tough life being a celebrity. The none stop pressure of being in the public eye; it's a wonder it hasn't caused my head to explode.
NILES
And in whose autobiography did you read that? Which world-renowned superstar?
FRASIER
My own.
NILES
Oh yes I forgot about that pamphlet you were trying to write about your life. Are you still planning to omit Diane and Lilith from it completely? How are you intending to explain about Frederick? Science hasn't moved along that far for you to have had him on your own you know. And I don't think many people will believe you found him in a cabbage patch. Well except for people who actually live in cabbage patches, have a pumpkin as a pet and talk to their hands. Oh stop pulling that sulking adolescent face, I'll bite, why is it tough being a celebrity?
FRASIER
I have every wacko in Seattle call in to my show asking why their schizophrenic cross dressing children keep skinning squirrels and making Christmas decorations from them and then unlike someone in private practice I can't complain about them behind their back without being caught and having some extremely viscous backlash.
NILES
You forgot to check you were off air again didn't you?
FRASIER PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS
FRASIER
Yes, the station has received a record number of complaints, someone broke into the station and urinated in the coffee machine and I had a squirrel in my tail pipe this morning.
NILES
Coffee with you Frasier is always a joy.
FRASIER
How I envy you in private practice. You don't have any of these trials and tribulations to contend with.
NILES
It's not all fun and games Frasier. At least you have the safety of being on the other end of the phone. I have them three feet away sweating all over my new couch. A fist fight broke out in my waiting room yesterday because one of my narcoleptics was taunting members of my insomnia test group.
FRASIER
What happened?
NILES
It started with a friendly joke, until the narcoleptic fell asleep. The insomniacs thought he was making fun of them to which they tried to stuff his pants into my paper shredder with him still wearing them. It was a nightmare. I've used nearly all my supply of sedatives, mostly on Mrs. Woodson to stop her from shrieking and trying to climb into the filing cabinet.
FRASIER
I dream about fist fights and shrieking. I had a dead squirrel. It's tail fell off when I moved it. Now Eddie carries it around the apartment as one of his new chew toys. And I can't very well sell a squirrel to a passing carnival without a tail attached. They do have certain standards you know.
NILES
Well Christmas is just around the corner. You could use it instead of an angel on the top of the tree. I'm sure you'd be able to buy a tiny pair of wings and a magic wand from somewhere.
FRASIER
As if Dad's decorations weren't grotesque enough without festooning my tree with animal carcases. What sort of test group were you doing?
NILES
Just a little research. I'm trying to see if different voices and soothing tones have any effect on their insomnia so I play different radio shows and music. They seemed to grow quite agitated when I played "In The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning" and "Dream."
FRASIER
I wonder why? Have you tried my show yet?
NILES
No, I have to wait for a Priest to attend to read the last rights in case your show has a fatal effect on them. But as you know this extra work means I can't see Daphne as often as I'd like to recently. Every time I've seen her over the last month or so, they've been more like fly-by visits. It would be nice to be with her long enough to actually see her in focus. I'm beginning to think she looks like a Picasso.
FRASIER
I think we could both do with some time off work. At least until the hate mail stops or at any rate the squirrels.
NILES
That's not a bad idea actually Frasier. Perhaps we could all take a trip together after my group ends.
FRASIER
I don't want to be a third wheel to you two.
NILES
Then bring Dad along.
FRASIER
As in my date?
NILES
As in company and if he's with us he won't be eating pork rinds in his underwear in your Jacuzzi tub with Eddie.
FRASIER
You have a way that cuts right through the bull. I might take you up on that idea Niles. A week on a beach.
NILES
In the sun.
AS THEY SMILE AND CLINK THEIR COFFEE CUPS TOGETHER WE:
CUT TO:
(B)
CUT TO:
INT. ELLIOT BAY PARKING LOT — MORNING — DAY/2
(Niles, Frasier, Daphne, Roz, Martin, Eddie)
FRASIER AND NILES STAND OUTSIDE THE WINNEBAGO WITH A LARGE PILE OF BAGS AND BOXES, PUTTING THEM ONBOARD
NILES
How exactly were we talked into this again? I had envisioned first class, slumber masks and champagne followed by a week in the sun not squeezed into a Winnebago to see Lake Powell.
FRASIER
Dad bribed me with the "I don't know how many trips I've got left in me" speech. By the end I was sobbing uncontrollably and fetching his multiple beers.
NILES
Ah the guilt trip. You've had two vacations for the price of one. What have you done to be so lucky?
FRASIER
I don't exactly know how you were talked into it.
DAPHNE ENTERS OFF THE WINNEBAGO AND PICKS UP ANOTHER BAG
DAPHNE
I bribed him with sex.
NILES
Oh yes that was it. I knew I was grinning for some reason.
DAPHNE
It wasn't exactly hard.
ROZ ENTERS FROM OFF THE WINNEBAGO
ROZ
Then why am I going?
FRASIER
I have no idea.
FRASIER EXITS INSIDE THE WINNEBAGO WITH A BAG
DAPHNE
But I'd suggest you seek therapy over it.
ROZ
What about you? You chose a box on wheels over a beach and muscular lifeguards in tight shorts.
DAPHNE
I was blackmailed into it.
ROZ
By who?
MARTIN ENTERS OFF THE WINNEBAGO
MARTIN
That would be me. I'm not just a pretty face, there's a mastermind at work behind it.
NILES
Dad I'm appalled you would do that. Daphne is your future daughter-in-law. Daphne why did you accept it? You know I have dirt on Dad. I'm sure he wouldn't want Frasier to know what that stain on his dressing gown is.
DAPHNE
Because I broke one of your brother's statues.
FRASIER ENTERS FROM OFF THE WINNEBAGO WITH HIS MOUTH WIDE OPEN
NILES
I stand corrected, Daphne you made the right decision. I bent a spoon once and he'll carry that grudge to the grave.
FRASIER
What?
ROZ
This trip is going to be fun. Lot's of family revelations.
ROZ EXITS ONTO THE WINNEBAGO
DAPHNE
Oh it's been broken for a month and you haven't noticed.
FRASIER
Which one?
DAPHNE
It doesn't matter I've repaired it.
FRASIER
How?
DAPHNE
Chewing gum. He now has a rather fetching nose job. I've really missed my calling as a plastic surgeon.
MARTIN
It's just a shame it wasn't actually his nose that broke.
FRASIER
What does that mean?
MARTIN
He's now lacking in one area and looks like Barry Manilow in the other.
FRASIER
Oh my God.
DAPHNE
Oh calm down it's been done a month and you haven't noticed.
NILES PICKS UP A BOX OFF THE FLOOR WITH A SLIGHT STRUGGLE
NILES
Dad what is in this box?
ROZ ENTERS FROM OFF THE WINNEBAGO
MARTIN
Beer.
NILES
You do understand that we use gas to fill up the tank and not beer don't you?
MARTIN
Not my tank, I need beer to get started.
ROZ PICKS UP ANOTHER BOX OFF THE FLOOR
ROZ
Then what's in this box?
THE BOX SUDDENLY STARTS TO SHAKE VIOLENTLY
DAPHNE
What on earth is that?
FRASIER
We'd best just leave it here.
FRASIER TAKES THE BOX OFF ROZ AND PUTS ITS BACK ON THE FLOOR. AS SOON AS HE PUTS IT DOWN EDDIE POKES HIS HEAD OUT OF THE TOP OF IT
MARTIN
Eddie? Frasier did you put Eddie in a box?
MARTIN PICKS EDDIE UP AND PUTS HIM UNDER HIS ARM
FRASIER
Why would I do something like that?
MARTIN EXITS WITH EDDIE ONTO THE WINNEBAGO AFTER GLARING AT FRASIER
NILES
I love family vacations. Enough beer to drown an elephant, broken statues and a dog in a box.
ROZ
Didn't this happen in "Leave it to Beaver"?
AS FRASIER, NILES, DAPHNE AND ROZ EXIT ONBOARD WE:
FADE OUT
(C)
TITLE CARD: "ROAD TRIP"
FADE IN:
INT. WINNEBAGO — EARLY EVENING — DAY/2
(Niles, Frasier, Martin, Daphne, Roz, Eddie)
MARTIN DRIVES WITH FRASIER IN THE FRONT SEAT NEXT TO HIM IN WHAT LOOKS LIKE THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. NILES, DAPHNE AND ROZ ALL SIT ON THE BED JUST BEHIND THE FRONT SEATS
NILES
Where exactly are we all going to sleep tonight?
FRASIER
I guess we just try to find a half decent non-Bates Motel type, hotel with a minimum amount of mould growing on the pillows to inhale all night. I remember a lodge we stopped at when we were kids, there was a vegetable garden growing on the comforter on my bed.
MARTIN
We've got a hotel on wheels we don't need a hotel.
NILES
You're not suggesting that we just park on the side of the road for the night are you?
DAPHNE
That's how horror movies usually start. We'll have our fingers removed and used as doorstops.
MARTIN
There are loads of trailer parks marked on the map we can just pull into one of those.
NILES
Can't we just park on the side of the road?
ROZ
We don't really need fingers.
FRASIER
You expect five people and a dog to sleep in this box?
MARTIN
It's not as if there are cockroaches running around the floor and someone's smouldering flesh still stuck to the mattresses.
ROZ
That sounds like a summer camp I stopped at when I was twelve.
DAPHNE
Well we better find something fast because it's starting to get dark out there and the wolves will be forming into packs soon.
FRASIER
OK so after we park in some hell hole with a big headed banjo boy, wearing a road kill hat trying to break into the toilet tank to take a bath, where exactly do we all sleep?
MARTIN
How about I stuff you in the oven? Or there's always the roof rack. I've got some rope somewhere, so you won't fall off.
NILES
There are only three beds.
DAPHNE
And five of us.
MARTIN
Six. Don't forget Eddie.
ROZ
You should have kept the box Eddie was stuffed in, and then we'd have another bed.
MARTIN
It's not a problem, we can all just double up. Niles and Daphne can have the one bed, you and Roz can have another and I'll share with Eddie.
ROZ
That's not fair.
NILES
Why should you have a bed on your own?
MARTIN
I won't be alone. I'll have Eddie.
ROZ
You're comparing a tiny dog to Frasier? If he rolls on me I'll break every bone in my body.
FRASIER
Oh only if I don't choke on your hair first.
MARTIN
When Eddie has a nightmare he can really kick out. And his claws are sharp. I looked as if I'd been mauled by a lion the other morning.
FRASIER
Then let me give him a manicure and I'll sleep with him.
DAPHNE'S MOUTH SUDDENLY DROPS OPEN AND SHE GLARES AT NILES
DAPHNE
Wait a second what do you mean why should he have a bed on his own? You have some objection to sharing with me?
NILES
No, no, no you misunderstand me.
DAPHNE
Oh do I really? Then what did you mean?
NILES PAUSES TO THINK FOR A RESPONSE
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Times up. Too late. No sex for you on this trip.
DAPHNE TURNS AWAY FROM NILES
ROZ
I'm glad to hear that since we're sharing a box.
MARTIN
My God, stop being just a bunch of babies. We're only going to be on the road a few days and then we're stopping in a hotel when we reach the lake.
FRASIER
OK I have one more point. Why do I have to share when I spent the night on the couch at Niles' lakefront cottage last year?
NILES
I think you'll find Daphne slept on the couch and I slept on the floor after you refused to.
DAPHNE
An arrangement that we'll be repeating tonight.
ROZ
And Frasier will be joining him on the floor.
FRASIER
Why?
ROZ
Well since you're so appalled at the idea of sharing with me, you can either sleep on the floor or in the toilet.
DAPHNE
Forget that, let them sleep together we can bunk together.
MARTIN
I think that's called incest.
FRASIER
Coming from a man who sleeps with a dog.
MARTIN
But we're not related to one another.
NILES
(CREEPING) Daphne.
DAPHNE STILL TURNS AWAY REFUSING TO LOOK AT HIM
DAPHNE
No I'm not interested. Especially when you pull that lost puppy dog expression of yours.
NILES
I have a lost puppy dog expression?
DAPHNE
Yes but it's not going to work.
FRASIER
I don't want to share with Niles. I did that too often as a child to know the dangers.
NILES
You'll be pleased to know that since then I've developed excellent bladder control.
ROZ
Thank God.
FRASIER
Anyway that's not what I'm worried about.
NILES
For God's sake I only sucked your thumb once.
FRASIER
Once is one time too many.
DAPHNE
He still does it now.
NILES
I don't.
DAPHNE
So I wedge my thumb in your mouth and make you suck it?
NILES
You make it sound like you've never done it before.
DAPHNE
Surprisingly I never have.
NILES
I had a nightmare.
FRASIER
So did I, I had a nightmare that you were sucking my thumb. Oh that's right you were.
NILES
It was like that Sorcerer's Apprentice part from Fantasia. Except it wasn't a broom coming after me it was Mel and Maris. No matter how many times I chopped them with the axe they just kept multiplying. In the end all the little Mel's held me down while the little Maris' pelted me with Slim Fast shakes.
A BEAT WHILE EVERYONE STARES AT NILES
FRASIER
Dad can I ask one more question, out of everywhere that we can reach in this tank, why Lake Powell?
MARTIN
A houseboat.
NILES
Excuse me?
ROZ
You said hotel.
MARTIN
We get the houseboat from the hotel.
FRASIER
You are never to book another trip for us ever again.
MARTIN
Oh what's your problem it'll be fun.
NILES
Except we'll be sleeping in a dingy at the mercy of the wind.
MARTIN
It doesn't lead out into the ocean so what's the problem?
NILES
What if we capsize in the night?
MARTIN
You'll get wet.
FRASIER
Thank you so much, that's so comforting.
DAPHNE
I'm regretting not saying beach already.
SFX: CLUNKING NOISE FROM THE ENGINE
SUDDENLY THE WINNEBAGO SEEMS TO HIT SOMETHING AND JERKS AS MARTIN STRUGGLES TO MAINTAIN CONTROL OF IT
MARTIN
Uh-oh.
FRASIER
Don't worry about it Dad it was probably already dead before you ran over it.
DAPHNE
Unless it was a person.
ROZ
Then the bump would have been bigger.
MARTIN
It's dying.
NILES
That's because you ran over it. Make sure you scrape any remains off the tires before Eddie gets out there.
THE WINNEBAGO STARTS TO SHAKE A LITTLE AS MARTIN GUIDES IT TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND THE ENGINE CUTS OUT
MARTIN
I'm talking about the Road Warrior.
FRASIER
Is it out of gas?
MARTIN
Nope.
DAPHNE
If you've run over someone then that's the problem. I bet we're dragging them under the wheels and it's making us slow down. There'll just be a skeleton hanging off the back by now.
MARTIN
I didn't hit anyone. There's something wrong with the engine.
NILES STANDS UP AS FRASIER AND MARTIN UNDO THEIR SEATBELTS
NILES
Let's go and take a look.
ROZ
And what exactly do you know about the engines of Winnebago's?
NILES
That this one isn't working.
FRASIER
I don't know what we'd do without your keen sense of observation Niles.
MARTIN, FRASIER AND NILES ALL EXIT OUT OF THE WINNEBAGO
RESET TO:
EXT. SIDE ROAD — CONTINUOUS
MARTIN, FRASIER AND NILES EXIT FROM THE WINNEBAGO. MARTIN OPENS THE HOOD AND THEY ALL STAND AROUND STARING AT IT IN THE DARK
MARTIN
Have you got a flashlight back there?
ROZ AND DAPHNE BOTH LEAN OUT OF THE DOOR TO SEE WHAT'S GOING ON
NILES
I've got some matches.
NILES DIGS AROUND IN HIS POCKET AND PRODUCES A MATCH
NILES (CONT'D)
Sorry one match.
FRASIER
Why don't we just find a firefly instead?
DAPHNE
Just phone for help and get the professionals out here.
MARTIN
Frasier give me your phone.
FRASIER
I haven't brought it use Niles' instead.
NILES
I haven't got mine either.
ROZ
Why not? That thing is an extension of your hand, you've always got it on you.
NILES
Yes but the only person in the world I want to speak to is here with me but won't speak to me so I had no need to bring it.
MARTIN
We'll have to walk to find help then.
DAPHNE
You'd better do it quick then before it gets too dark.
NILES
(IN DISBELIEF) You want us to walk into the wilderness until we find some help if we're not murdered first?
MARTIN
That's right.
ROZ
What are you waiting for?
FRASIER
We're psychiatrists Dad.
MARTIN
Look there has to be a phone somewhere around here. You two hold hands and go that way, I'll go this way and Roz and Daphne you stay here in case anyone stops to help.
FRASIER
Oh fine.
NILES
But shouldn't we take some sort of weapon?
MARTIN
What like a gun?
NILES
No I actually meant Roz.
MARTIN
What's going to happen, we're in the middle of nowhere.
NILES
Exactly, have you never seen Deliverance?
MARTIN
Take Eddie then.
FRASIER
So he can stare someone to death? If he really had that power I'd have been dead years ago.
NILES
Isn't there any other way?
DAPHNE
You mean like smoke signals? Just get going you bunch of babies.
FRASIER AND NILES SIGH BEFORE EXITING PAST THE REAR END OF THE WINNEBAGO AS MARTIN GOES IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION
ROZ
We're going to die out here you know that don't you?
AS DAPHNE NODS IN AGREEMENT BEFORE THEY BOTH EXIT BACK INSIDE WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO(D)
TITLE CARD: "IT'S A STOPPARD PLAY"
FADE IN:
EXT. WOODLAND NEXT TO THE ROAD — EVENING — DAY/2
(Niles, Frasier)
FRASIER AND NILES MAKE THEIR WAY THROUGH SOME WOODLAND, BOTH BEING VERY CAREFUL WHERE THEY WALK AND DESPERATELY TRYING TO SEE IN THE DARK. FRASIER LEADS THE WAY AS NILES LIMPS SLOWLY BEHIND HIM
NILES
Are we still going in the right direction?
FRASIER
I'm not sure. As long as we stay adjacent to the road we'll be fine although I recognise that tree. Will you stop limping?
NILES
I can't I hurt my foot.
NILES STOPS TO RUB HIS ANKLE
FRASIER
But I think it's making us go around in circles.
NILES
We're never going to find anything out here, except a man eating a gopher and maybe a bear trap.
FRASIER
If you tread on one, I'm not waiting for you, you'll have to stay here.
NILES
Oh that's nice so my only options would be lying here and waiting for some sort of wild animal to munch on my eyes or nor through my leg.
FRASIER
We have to use the survival skills we learnt as children.
NILES
You mean like hiding our clothes before gym class so no one else could steal them.
FRASIER
That's not exactly what I meant. I wish we had a flashlight.
NILES
Or eaten more carrots.
SUDDENLY NILES LOOSES HIS FOOTING AND FALLS DOWN A DITCH OUT OF VIEW. FRASIER IS UNAWARE AND KEEPS WALKING
FRASIER
Will you keep up don't make me leave you here. Niles? Niles?
NILES
(OFF STAGE) I'm down here.
FRASIER
Down where?
NILES
(OFF STAGE) In some sort of hole.
FRASIER
Is there a bear?
NILES
(OFF STAGE) Not unless I'm sitting on it. Although maybe... no it's just a twig. Just follow my voice.
FRASIER
I can't find you. How could you have done something as stupid as fall down a hole I'll never know.
FRASIER WALKS TOWARDS NILES' VOICE UNTIL HE FALLS DOWN INTO THE DITCH
RESET TO:
EXT. WOODLAND DITCH — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER FALLS AND SITS ON TOP OF NILES IN WHAT IS QUITE A LARGE HOLE IN THE GROUND. THE WALLS ARE QUITE HIGH MAKING IT LOOK DIFFICULT TO CLIMB OUT OF
NILES
How nice to see you Frasier.
FRASIER
I can't get up. Will you get off me?
NILES
I think you'll find you're the one who's sitting on me.
FRASIER GETS OFF HIM AND STANDS UP JUST ABLE TO PEER OUT OF THE HOLE
FRASIER
How do we get out of here?
NILES
Well the elevator seems to be stuck and I don't see any stairs.
FRASIER
I didn't realise it was comedy hour. Now drop the sarcasm and think of a way to get out of this mess you've got us into.
NILES
I got us into?
FRASIER
Who fell down here first?
NILES
Who fell down here knowing there was a hole?
FRASIER
Who didn't warn me when I was getting close to the edge?
NILES
Do we have to answer every question with a question?
FRASIER
Who are we Rosencrantz and Guildenstern?
NILES
Is that your interpretation?
FRASIER
All right stop it.
NILES
Statement.
FRASIER
I said stop it!
AS THEY CONTINUE TO BICKER WE:
FADE OUT
(E)
FADE IN:
INT. GAS STATION — NIGHT — DAY/2
(Martin, Greg)
MARTIN ENTERS INTO A GAS STATION THAT HAS A CAR JACKED UP WITH GREG WORKING UNDERNEATH IT
MARTIN
Hello? Is anyone here?
GREG GETS OUT FROM UNDER THE CAR AND STANDS UP
GREG
Hello there. Can I help you?
MARTIN
Yeah my Winnebago has died on the side of the road a few minutes back that way, I need some help getting it going again.
GREG
My crew is out at the moment but as soon as they get back I'll send them to sort you out.
MARTIN
Thanks.
GREG
It's lucky you broke down so close to town.
MARTIN
Is there anything back that way?
GREG
Not for miles. Why?
MARTIN
Oh no reason.
GREG
It may take a while. There's a bar next to the 7/11 across the street. I come over and get you when they come back.
MARTIN
Thanks again.
AS MARTIN EXITS AND GREG GETS BACK TO WORK WE:
FADE OUT
(F)
FADE IN:
INT. WINNEBAGO — NIGHT — DAY/2
(Daphne, Roz)
DAPHNE AND ROZ SIT ON THE BED AT THE BACK OF THE WINNEBAGO DIGGING INTO A MOUNTAIN OF FOOD THAT THEY HAVE SCATTERED AROUND THEM
DAPHNE
I don't think we should eat anymore.
ROZ
It's comfort food. Comfort food can't be fattening.
DAPHNE
That's not what I meant. We're stranded in the middle of nowhere and we've sent a man with a cane in one direction and two narna's in the other direction looking for help. We're going to be here for a long, long, long, long, long, long, long time.
ROZ
Alice will be married with kids when we get back.
DAPHNE
It's Niles and Dr. Crane remember, I think her kids will have kids.
ROZ
So do you think we should ration our food.
DAPHNE
Just to be on the safe side. I don't want to have to go outside and scrape up road kill for a stew.
ROZ
I'm sure it would make a better sandwich.
DAPHNE
Oh I've got a better idea.
ROZ
I'm not eating Eddie.
DAPHNE
That makes two of us. What are the chances of seeing the boys again?
ROZ
About one in a thousand.
DAPHNE
I meant seeing them alive.
ROZ
About one in a million
DAPHNE
So therefore they won't be wanting their rations.
ROZ
You should run for President, you have all the best ideas.
DAPHNE
I'm actually feeling a little bit guilty.
ROZ
We haven't eaten anything yet.
DAPHNE
Not about that about Niles. I was a bit offish with him.
ROZ
Oh he'll get over it, if he's still alive.
DAPHNE
It's not exactly the perfect start to our vacation. After all Niles and I only came so we could spend some time together since he's had so much extra work recently.
ROZ
Has it really been that long?
DAPHNE
It seems like forever, since we spent any quality time together.
ROZ
You know you two have got everything all the wrong way around.
DAPHNE
How do you mean?
ROZ
You're supposed to wait until after you're married before the sex stops.
AS THEY BOTH CONTINUE TO EAT ALL THE FOOD THEY CAN FIND WE:
FADE OUT
(G)
FADE IN:
EXT. WOODLAND DITCH — NIGHT — DAY/2
(Frasier, Niles)
FRASIER AND NILES SIT AT THE BOTTOM OF THE DITCH BOTH COVERED IN MUD LOOKING UPWARDS FOR A WAY TO GET OUT
FRASIER
I can see storm clouds hovering overhead.
NILES
How do you know they are storm clouds?
FRASIER
Because they're black.
NILES
It's nighttime. They're bound to be black.
FRASIER
Don't get angry with me, this is...
NILES
Your fault. If you say that once more I may not be held responsible for my actions.
FRASIER
Well how do we get out of here?
NILES STANDS UP AND BRUSHES HIMSELF DOWN
NILES
Give me a boost and then I'll help pull you out.
FRASIER
No you'll leave me here.
NILES
I'm your brother I would never do that. Unless I'm chased by some sort of insect. Help me and I'll pull you up.
FRASIER STANDS UP
FRASIER
Niles you couldn't pull a cracker. You give me a boost.
NILES
I'm not getting mud all over my hands.
FRASIER
What difference does it make you've got it all over your face?
NILES
It's for camouflage, I don't want to be stalked by some wild beast.
FRASIER
You seriously need a therapist, you know that?
NILES
I've already got one.
FRASIER
Not a psychical therapist. Let me stand on your back then.
NILES
Although I'm going to marry a psychical therapist in a few months, I don't particularly want to have to ask her to nurse my broken spine for the rest of my life.
FRASIER
Is that a jibe about my weight?
NILES
Not at all, I just don't want to die down this hole.
FRASIER
Then give me a boost or I'll strangle you.
NILES
Not if you use that tone.
AS THEY CONTINUE TO BICKER WE:
FADE OUT
(H)
FADE IN:
INT. WINNEBAGO — NIGHT — DAY/2
(Daphne, Roz)
DAPHNE AND ROZ SIT AS BEFORE EATING AND DRINKING EVERYTHING THEY CAN LAY THEIR HANDS ON
DAPHNE
How about pink?
ROZ
Do I really come across as a pink kind of person?
DAPHNE
Not really.
ROZ
Then think again.
DAPHNE
I don't want to go with green again.
ROZ
Thank God those dresses were vile. I have no idea what you were thinking about when you picked them.
DAPHNE
I meant because I don't want anything similar to my wedding to Donny. What was wrong with those dresses? I thought they looked nice.
ROZ
And they would have been if I had been suffering from troll blindness.
ROZ GRABS ANOTHER HANDFUL OF MARSHMALLOWS FROM THE BAG
DAPHNE
Fine next week we can go together and buy your dress. Although I doubt you'll be able to fit into it now.
ROZ
I've told you there is no way comfort food can be fattening. There's a technique you can use that makes it less fattening.
DAPHNE
So in that case I can eat a whole cow covered in whipped cream and chocolate every time that I need comfort and I wouldn't gain a pound?
ROZ
That's right.
DAPHNE
And you do this?
ROZ
That's right every time I need comforting.
DAPHNE
Does this new technique have a name?
ROZ
Denial.
DAPHNE
I love these little chats of ours.
ROZ
So have you sorted out the Honeymoon yet?
DAPHNE
No not yet.
ROZ
Where do you want to go?
DAPHNE
Anywhere as long as it's hot and it's just the two of us.
SFX: TAPPING AT THE WINDOW
ROZ
I find it amazing that you can be so into that little man.
DAPHNE
Did you hear that?
ROZ
Changing the subject I see.
DAPHNE
I think there's someone out side.
ROZ
Are you sure?
SFX: TAPPING NOISE AT THE WINDOW
DAPHNE
Listen. There it is again.
ROZ
Who do you suppose it is?
DAPHNE
I don't know, the Blair Witch.
SFX: TAPPING NOISE AT THE WINDOW
ROZ
Maybe it's one of the boys.
DAPHNE
They would have told us they were back.
ROZ
What do we do?
DAPHNE
Hide.
AS THEY BOTH QUICKLY EXIT INTO THE BATHROOM AND SHUT THE DOOR WE:
FADE OUT
(I)
TITLE CARD: "WOOD YOU BELIEVE ALL THE LUCK?"
FADE IN:
EXT. WOODLAND DITCH — NIGHT — DAY/2
(Frasier, Niles)
NILES STANDS ON FRASIER'S HANDS AS HE GIVES HIM A BOOST TO CLIMB OUT OF THE DITCH. NILES DESPERATELY TRIES TO GRIP ONTO ANYTHING IN REACH TO CLIMB UP.
FRASIER
Grab onto something and pull yourself out.
NILES
There's nothing to grab onto.
FRASIER
Niles I can see a tree from here, grab onto the trunk.
NILES
I am not touching a base of a tree trunk.
FRASIER
For the love of God why not?
NILES
Who knows what animal has relieved themselves up it.
FRASIER
You can wash your hand when we get back to the Winnebago.
NILES
I'd rather not. Can't you push me any higher?
FRASIER
Not when I have your shoe in my face no.
NILES
Oh stop complaining, they're Joan and David.
FRASIER
I wouldn't care if they were psychedelic flip flops just get them out of my face. Now pull yourself up.
NILES
Fine but if I catch anything from this tree I will make you pay for it for the rest of your life.
NILES GRABS HOLD OF THE TREE AND PULLS HIMSELF UP
FRASIER
I'm already paying for it, just having you as a brother.
NILES CLIMBS OUT OF THE HOLE, BRUSHES HIMSELF DOWN AND THEN STARES BACK DOWN AT FRASIER
NILES
Just for that comment, you can stay down there.
FRASIER
Niles don't you dare.
NILES
Give me your hand. Now climb up me.
RESET TO:
EXT. WOODLAND NEXT TO THE DITCH - CONTINUOUS
NILES LIES ON THE FLOOR AND LEANS DOWN TO FRASIER. FRASIER THEN GRABS HIM HAND AND CLIMBS THEN CRAWLS UP NILES UNTIL HE IS ALMOST LYING ON TOP OF HIM
FRASIER
Please don't let anyone stumble upon this scene.
NILES
They'll probably think we're a couple of escaped convicts.
THEY BOTH STAND UP AND START TO LOOK AROUND
FRASIER
Which way were we walking?
NILES
That way I think.
SFX: SNAPPING TWIG
NILES (CONT'D)
What was that?
FRASIER
What was what?
NILES
That noise.
FRASIER
I didn't hear anything.
NILES
That's because you were talking over it.
SFX: TWIG SNAPPING
NILES (CONT'D)
There it is again.
FRASIER
What do you think it is?
NILES
I don't know but I'm not waiting to find out.
NILES SUDDENLY STARTS TO RUN TO THE RIGHT
FRASIER
Don't run that way, we're supposed to be going that way.
NILES STOPS AND TURNS AROUND
NILES
Which way?
SFX: SNAPPING TWIG
NILES (CONT'D)
Oh forget it, just run like the wind.
NILES STARTS TO RUN AGAIN IN THE SAME DIRECTION AS BEFORE AND EXITS FROM VIEW AS FRASIER STARES AFTER HIM. SUDDENLY A DEER EMERGES FROM WHERE THE SOUND WAS COMING FROM
FRASIER
Niles it's a deer. Come back.
FRASIER STARTS TO RUN AND EXITS FOLLOWING NILES AS WE:
FADE OUT
(J)
FADE IN:
INT. BAR — NIGHT — DAY/2
(Martin, Ian)
MARTIN SITS IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWDED BAR DRINKING A BEER AND IN MID CONVERSATION WITH IAN, THE BARTENDER
MARTIN
So then the doctor says not now Sir I've just lost the hamster.
THEY BOTH START TO LAUGH HYSTERICALLY
IAN
That's funny. What are you doing around here anyway Marty?
MARTIN
Family trip.
IAN
Then where's your family.
MARTIN
Still in the Winnebago.
IAN
Are they going to be Ok?
MARTIN
They'll be fine. They have survival skills and I have a beer.
AS MARTIN TAKES A LARGE SWIG OF HIS BEER WE:
CUT TO:
(K)
CUT TO:
EXT. WOODLAND NEXT TO THE ROAD — NIGHT — DAY/2
(Frasier, Niles)
NILES AND FRASIER STILL CONTINUE TO RUN THROUGH THICK WOODLAND, NOT REALLY KNOWING IN WHICH DIRECTION THEY ARE HEADED. NILES LEADS THE WAY RUNNING WILDLY AS USUAL AS FRASIER LAGS BEHIND AND EVENTUALLY STOPS
FRASIER
I think you can slow down now!
NILES
Not until I know we're safe.
FRASIER
You're just attracting more attention to yourself. Stop running like some sort of demented chicken in heat.
NILES STOPS RUNNING, TRIES TO CATCH HIS BREATH AND TURNS TO FRASIER
NILES
Stop mocking my run. It's a perfectly normal run.
FRASIER
Only if you've just discovered the use of your arms and legs.
NILES
And your run is normal?
FRASIER
There's nothing wrong with it.
NILES
The amount of times I've been asked at the squash court about why was I playing with a woman today instead of you is incredible.
FRASIER
No one has ever said that.
NILES
Dozen's of people have.
FRASIER
Dozen's?
NILES
All right one. Walter Hennings.
FRASIER
Walter Hennings wears an eye patch.
NILES
He has to he has a glass eye.
FRASIER
Granted but that doesn't explain why he wears it over his good eye. Oh this is getting us nowhere. How do we get back to the Winnebago?
NILES
I don't know. Oh what's the use we're going to die out here.
FRASIER
With that attitude we will. We'd be in a better position had you not ran away screaming from a deer.
NILES
A raging rabid deer. Did you not see that look in its eye?
FRASIER
Niles it was frightened. It saw a crazy man running in the opposite direction as if some sort of demon penguin in drag had possessed him.
NILES
We should have stayed by the hole. At least we could have covered it over and made a house.
FRASIER
And what would we have eaten? Insects?
NILES
Either that or I'd have hit you over the head.
FRASIER
And what good would that have done?
NILES
I certainly wouldn't have starved.
FRASIER
Is that another jibe about my weight?
NILES
I don't need to jibe about it. You nearly yanked my arms out of their sockets climbing up me.
FRASIER
And it's my fault that you're spindly?
NILES
Don't you call me spindly or I'll...
SFX: WOLF HOWLING
FRASIER
Is there any chance that was you?
NILES
I was about to ask the same thing.
FRASIER
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
NILES
Run?
FRASIER
Great minds think alike.
AS THEY SET OFF AND RUN FOR THEIR LIVES ONCE AGAIN WE:
FADE OUT
(L)
FADE IN:
INT. WINNEBAGO BATHROOM — NIGHT — DAY/2
(Daphne, Roz, Frasier, Niles, Martin, Greg)
DAPHNE AND ROZ REMAIN HUDDLED AND SOMEWHAT SQUASHED INTO THE BATHROOM SPEAKING IN ONLY WHISPERS
DAPHNE
We can't stay in here. What if they steal the Winnebago?
ROZ
It's broken down. We're stuck on the side of a road.
DAPHNE
Then what do we do?
ROZ
Let's go outside and arm ourselves.
DAPHNE
What with?
ROZ
A knife, a frying pan, a sharp piece of tuna, anything that will do a little damage.
DAPHNE
OK, on the count of three.
ROZ
Do we go outside on three, or wait until after you've said three.
DAPHNE
What's the difference?
ROZ
A second between whether we get decapitated or not.
DAPHNE
Ok then let's go on three. One, two, three.
THEY SLOWLY CREEP OUT OF THE DOOR SHUTTING IT BEHIND THEM
RESET TO:
INT. WINNEBAGO — CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE AND ROZ ENTER INTO THE MAIN SECTION OF THE WINNEBAGO KEEPING LOW SO NOT TO BE SEEN. ROZ THEN PICKS UP A FRYING PAN AS DAPHNE GETS A SAUCEPAN
ROZ
Are they still out there?
SFX: TAPPING ON THE WINDOW
DAPHNE SPINS AROUND AND POINTS TO THE BACK WINDOW
DAPHNE
Outside that window. I can hear someone taping it.
ROZ
Should we go outside?
DAPHNE
Do we have to?
ROZ
We either go outside and get them or we wait for them to get us.
DAPHNE
Ok you go first.
THEY CREEP TOWARDS THE DOOR
RESET TO:
EXT. WOODLAND NEXT TO THE WINNEBAGO — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER AND NILES SPOT THE WINNEBAGO AND RUN AT FULL SPEED TOWARDS IT
FRASIER
I can see it.
NILES
The wolf?
FRASIER
No the Winnebago.
NILES
Oh who knew something so ugly could bring so much joy?
FRASIER
I think I said that in my wedding vows.
THEY REACH THE DOOR AND NILES GOES TO OPEN IT
NILES
I can't wait to get inside...
ROZ SUDDENLY OPENS THE DOOR AND HITS NILES WITH THE FRYING PAN CAUSING HIM TO COLLAPSE ON THE FLOOR IN A HEAP
ROZ
Got you, now try and murder us.
DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE WINNEBAGO AND RUNS TO ATTEND TO NILES
DAPHNE
Oh my God. Niles honey are you OK?
NILES
Which Daphne actually said that? I can see six of you. This must be what heaven is like.
FRASIER
What did you hit him with a frying pan for?
ROZ
Why were you two skulking around outside? We thought you were going to kill us.
FRASIER
We weren't skulking around we only just got here.
DAPHNE
That means there's someone still outside.
ROZ
Quick get in.
FRASIER, DAPHNE AND ROZ EXIT INSIDE THE WINNEBAGO LEAVING NILES OUTSIDE
RESET TO:
INT. WINNEBAGO — CONTINUOUS
THEY ENTER INSIDE AND START TO RUN TO THE BACK UNTIL FRASIER STOPS
FRASIER
Aren't we forgetting something?
ROZ
Forget the frying pan, it's shaped like Niles' face now anyway.
FRASIER
I meant Niles.
DAPHNE
Oh yes.
DAPHNE OPENS THE DOOR AND SHE AND FRASIER PULL NILES BY HIS ANKLES INSIDE AND LEAVE HIM ON THE FLOOR
SFX: TAPPING ON THE WINDOW
ROZ
Can you hear that?
FRASIER SLOWLY WALKS TO THE BACK WINDOW AND PULLS THE CURTAINS OPEN TO REVEAL A TREE BRANCH HITTING THE WINDOW
FRASIER
It's just a twig.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE THE FRONT OF THE WINNEBAGO
FRASIER (CONT'D)
But I sure heard that.
NILES
I can hear angels singing.
FRASIER
Shut up you lunatic.
ROZ
Go outside.
FRASIER
You go outside.
DAPHNE
Listen.
THE THREE OF THEM WALK TO THE FRONT OF THE WINNEBAGO AND PEER OUTSIDE. SUDDENLY MARTIN STICKS HIS HEAD OUT FROM AROUND THE SIDE OF THE HOOD CAUSING THE OTHER THREE TO SCREAM AND SHOUT. MARTIN THEN GETS ON BOARD THE WINNEBAGO CARRYING GROCERY BAGS
MARTIN
What are you screaming about?
ROZ
We thought you were going to kill us.
NILES
I can see a birdy.
FRASIER
Where did you get all that food?
MARTIN
From the 7/11 just on the other side of the hill.
FRASIER
Then why did you send us that way?
MARTIN
How was I supposed to know?
GREG STICKS HIM HEAD INSIDE THE DOOR
GREG
How about the sign right outside the door?
THEY ALL PEERS OUTSIDE AND SEE A SIGN POST FOR THE TOWN AND THE 7/11 AS WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWOCLOSING CREDITS: MARTIN CONTINUES TO DRIVE THE WINNEBAGO WITH NILES, DAPHNE AND ROZ ASLEEP IN THE BACK. FRASIER STANDS BY THE KITCHEN PORTION LOOKING THROUGH ALL THE CUPBOARDS TO REVEAL VERY LITTLE FOOD. FINALLY HE FINDS THE NEARLY EMPTY BAG OF MARSHMALLOWS AND TAKES THEM BACK TO THE PASSENGER SEAT. AS SOON AS HE SITS DOWN EDDIE IS TRYING TO JUMP ON HIS LAP TO GET THEM
