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Enjoy...


Frasier
Alternative Season Nine Episode Eight
Mistletoe and Whine

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

FADE IN:

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Frasier, Roz, Kenny, Chris, Evelyn, Gill, Craig (VO))

FRASIER AND ROZ SIT ON THEIR RESPECTIVE SIDES OF THE GLASS IN THE BOOTH COMING TO THE END OF THE SHOW

FRASIER

Roz who do we have next?

ROZ

We have Craig from Kirkland on line one.

FRASIER

Hello Craig, you're on the line with Dr. Frasier...

CRAIG (VO)

Aaahhhhhh

FRASIER

Craig are you OK? You're not talking on a car phone are you? Listener's you are my witnesses, I did not ask him to close his eyes this time. I don't need to be sued three times to learn my lesson.

CRAIG (VO)

No it's not that Dr. Crane. I have a phobia of a certain letter on the alphabet. It's so bad it just makes me scream uncontrollably every time I hear it. I dream about it at night and wake up in a cold sweat.

FRASIER

That is interesting. Does is effect you when the letter is in the middle of the word or only the first...

CRAIG (VO)

Aaahhhhhh

FRASIER

The first?

CRAIG (VO)

Aaahhhhhh

FRASIER

I'm sorry Craig but I need you to calm down long enough to get me to understand which letter I'm forbidden...

CRAIG (VO)

Aaahhhhhh

ROZ

For...

CRAIG (VO)

Aaahhhhhh

ROZ

...God's sake Frasier...

CRAIG (VO)

Aaahhhhhh

ROZ

...It's the letter F.

CRAIG (VO)

Aaahhhhhh

FRASIER

Yes thankyou Roz. Craig please forgive...

CRAIG (VO)

Aaahhhhhh

FRASIER

Oh my God, I'm so sorry Craig I really am I forgot.

CRAIG (VO)

Aaahhhhhh

FRASIER

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It won't happen again.

CRAIG (VO)

Dr. Crane you've really got to help me here. Life is becoming unbearable. I'm stopping at home all day, everyday with nothing but a can of condensed milk and a vole to keep me company because I'm so afraid of hearing it.

FRASIER

Well the milk and the vole is certainly a problem in itself but I won't go into that now. It's certainly a complicated problem Craig, not something that Freud...

CRAIG (VO)

Aaahhhhhh

FRASIER

I'm sorry Craig, truly I am. I'm not going to have enough time to handle this kind of complex problem in the time we have remaining so can you call back in tomorrow?

CRAIG (VO)

Sure Dr. Crane, thank you.

FRASIER

You're quite welcome and I'll make sure that you're the first...

CRAIG (VO)

Aaahhhhhh

FRASIER

I'm sorry Craig. Please call tomorrow. And as we come to the end of the show let me remind Alan who called earlier, necrophilia is not a hobby, it's a problem and not a very hygienic one at that. This is Dr. Frasier...

CRAIG (VO)

Aaahhhhhh

FRASIER

(MUTING HIS MIC) For God's sake Roz hang up on this guy will you.

ROZ

(MUTING HER MIC) Sorry. It's not as if he's going to climb a clock tower and fire into a crowd. He can't say the word to begin with.

FRASIER

As I was saying this is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you all a good day Seattle, a very merry Christmas and good mental health.

FRASIER GOES OFF THE AIR AND TAKES OFF HIS HEADPHONES AS ROZ ENTERS INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH

FRASIER

I swear the world gets goofier and goofier everyday. It won't be long before everyone will be wearing white clothes after Labour Day and ordering wine in cardboard boxes. It's a shame I'm not still in private practice, I could charge more.

ROZ

Yes because that's a sure sign of madness.

ROZ TRIES TO GET A TAPE FROM THE MACHINE BUT IT WON'T LET GO

ROZ (CONT'D)

(SHOUTS) For God's sake will you just let go of the tape before I kill you like the dog you are!

FRASIER

Of course another sign is yelling at inanimate objects and expecting them to woof back at you. You might want to get one of those barking dog alarms, they'll bark back and won't try to romance you when your wearing an angora sweater. Are you OK Roz?

ROZ

I'm single. Need I say anymore?

FRASIER

So am I, do you see me attacking anything?

ROZ

And that wasn't you that kicked the hell out of the vending machine because cheese and crackers came out of the shoot instead of chocolate and then curled up in the corner crying like a baby, sucking his thumb and mumbling something completely incoherent about a bald pony?

FRASIER

I've told you that's just a viscous rumour and the CCTV recording would prove that if the tape hadn't suddenly gone missing which I also had nothing to do with.

ROZ

Then why were your eyes all red and puffy?

FRASIER

I'd just pulled out a painful nose hair in the men's room, it made my eyes water. You try doing it without some sort of aesthetic. It would hurt less to try to remove your own kidney.

ROZ

Then why were you limping?

FRASIER

I just happened to have a gammy leg. It was my trailing leg; I got it caught in my car door. Don't give me that look it happens to more people then you'd think. The fact is we're both in the same dating boat Roz that just happens to be leaking into shark infested water.

ROZ

Yeah but look at me compared to you.

FRASIER

Just for that all the sympathy I had for you has now vanished.

KENNY ENTERS THROUGH THE DOOR ON FRASIER'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH

KENNY

Hey Doc, Roz I'd like to introduce you to our new station owner.

CHRIS, A MAN IN HIS SIXTIES, ENTERS BEHIND KENNY

KENNY (CONT'D)

This is Mr. Chris Williams, Mr. Williams, this is Dr. Frasier Crane and his producer Roz Doyle.

THEY ALL SHAKE HANDS

FRASIER

It's nice to meet you.

CHRIS

Nice to meet you too. I'm a big fan.

FRASIER

Why thank you.

CHRIS

Is it you I see is having a Christmas party for the staff?

KENNY

Thanks right, he's trying to score points after he snubbed us a couple of years ago. It took a while for those wounds to heal I can tell you.

CHRIS

You seem to me, to be a kiss ass Kenny. I like that.

FRASIER

You are of course invited Mr. Williams. In fact I insist you be our guest of honour.

EVELYN, A FAIRLY ATTRACTIVE WOMAN IN HER THIRTIES, ENTERS

CHRIS

I said I like kiss asses not people who give me enema's Crane. I wouldn't miss it for the world. Oh and this is my daughter Evelyn. Excuse me a moment I'd like a little word with Gill.

CHRIS AND KENNY EXIT OUT OF THE BOOTH

FRASIER

Hello there Evelyn, it's nice to meet you.

EVELYN

It's nice to meet you too. I knew you looked handsome on your posters past the spray painted moustache and the blacked out teeth but I had no idea you would be this handsome in person. You're the prettiest man I've ever seen.

FRASIER

Well I don't know about that. I hear there is a guy in France.

EVELYN

Modest too.

FRASIER

Please stop you'll give me a big head.

ROZ

Like it wasn't big enough to begin with. It has it's own gravitational pull.

ROZ GOES INTO HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH BUT LEAVES THE DOOR OPEN SO THAT SHE CAN STILL HEAR

EVELYN

So this is where the magic happens.

FRASIER

Excuse me?

EVELYN

Where you do your show. Where you heal the masses.

FRASIER

Oh yes of course.

EVELYN SUDDENLY PUSHES UP AGAINST FRASIER PINNING HIM UP THE CONSOLE

EVELYN

I don't think I've ever met a man I've wanted as much. I just want to rub myself all over you. Is there a storage closet near by? If you can be quick, I can be quiet.

FRASIER

(SHOCKED) Excuse me?

EVELYN

I said...

CHRIS ENTERS

CHRIS

Evelyn time to go.

EVELYN

I'm coming. (WHISPERS TO FRASIER) I'll speak to you later.

CHRIS AND EVELYN EXIT SHUTTING THE DOOR BEHIND THEM AS ROZ ENTERS BACK INTO FRASIER'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH LOOKING GOB SMACKED

ROZ

Oh my God how badly does she want you? That was one of the most sickening displays I have ever seen.

FRASIER

I feel violated the way she undressed me with her eyes and not at all in a good way.

ROZ

She must have some severe mental illness. I think it's time to up her dosage and start on electro-shock. Or just kill her now for her own sake.

FRASIER

Is it so hard to believe that someone would want me so bad?

ROZ

Yes it's you. Surprised? Now if she was lusting after a pigmy in drag no not really, but you, yes.

CHRIS ENTERS BACK INTO THE BOOTH SHUTTING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM

CHRIS

Crane can I speak with you for a moment?

FRASIER

Of course.

CHRIS PUSHES FRASIER UP AGAINST THE GLASS AND GRABS HOLD OF HIS TIE

CHRIS

It's just a word about my daughter. Touch her once and I'll drop you with a deer rifle and then disembowel you with my bare hands. By the time I'm through being buried alive is going to start to appeal. Are you following me?

FRASIER

Loud and clear.

CHRIS LETS GO OF FRASIER AND OPENS THE BOOTH DOOR

CHRIS

Good because I won't tell you twice.

CHRIS EXITS LEAVING THE DOOR OPEN

CHRIS (CONT'D)

(OFF STAGE) Excuse me Noel.

FRASIER

(WORRIED) Oh my God.

ROZ

Don't worry about it Frasier, he's just being a Dad.

GIL AND KENNY ENTER LOOKING COMPLETELY SHELL SHOCKED

GIL

My God, the new station manager just told me if I so much as touched his daughter he'd hit me so hard on the head with an anvil that I'd be two foot tall.

KENNY

He pinned me up the wall and tried to poke me in the eye and I only said hello to her and shook her hand.

GIL

Well what do we do? Deb's already taller then I am and I'd rather not spend the rest of my life being forced to stare at her kneecaps. They're not her best feature.

ROZ

(SOTTO TO FRASIER) But he neglects the fact that she looks like a reindeer on crack.

FRASIER

(SOTTO TO ROZ) Roz stop being polite.

KENNY

Just stay away from her that's all we can do.

ROZ

Or find yourself with one kidney too few.

EVELYN WALKS PAST THE GLASS AT THE REAR OF THE BOOTH AND WAVES SEDUCTIVELY AT FRASIER BEFORE EXITING. KENNY AND GIL SEE THIS AND AFTER NOTICING FRASIER'S WORRIED EXPRESSION BREATHE A SIGH OF RELIEF.

GIL

(LAUGHING) Well that shouldn't be too hard. Good luck Frasier.

KENNY

You've made a will right Doc?

KENNY AND GIL EXIT FROM THE BOOTH

ROZ

They're just teasing Frasier ignore them.

GIL

(OFF STAGE) I get first dibs on his parking space.

ROZ EXITS RUNNING FROM THE BOOTH

ROZ

(SHOUTS OFF STAGE) No way I'm practically his next of kin at the station that parking space should be mine!

FRASIER GLARES AFTER ROZ BEFORE PICKING UP HIS BRIEFCASE AS WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

TITLE CARD: "THEY HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT IT AT HARRY WINSTONS"

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — EARLY AFTERNOON — DAY/2
(Roz, Daphne, Niles, Frasier, Evelyn, Chris)

DAPHNE SITS BY THE COUNTER IN NERVOSA ABSORBED COMPLETELY BY A COUPLE OF BROCHURES THAT SHE HAS ON THE TABLE AS ROZ ENTERS AND SITS WITH HER

ROZ

Hey Daph, what are you up to?

DAPHNE

Christmas shopping.

ROZ

In Nervosa? In that case I'll have the tall, dark haired waiter who works weekends tied up with a big red bow and a piece of biscotti.

DAPHNE

I meant for Niles.

ROZ

Well then it's maybe not a good idea for him, but then again you do know him better then I do.

DAPHNE

He's so hard to shop for. It was hard enough when he was just a friend; it's even harder now. What do you get the man who has everything?

ROZ PICKS UP ONE OF THE BROCHURES AND STARTS TO FLICK THROUGH

ROZ

A fertility God? My God look at the size of that! You know it's one thing being extra fertile, but that things just dangerous.

DAPHNE

I'd rather not have one of those around the house until after the wedding if you don't mind. I only want to carry my bouquet down the isle, nothing else. Well except possibly my father if he's drunk again and likely to vomit if he looses his balance.

ROZ

Then how about one of his antique chopsticks or eggcups or any of the other crap him and Frasier fawn over?

DAPHNE

I wouldn't be able to afford anything like that even if I knew where to get it from. He spent more money on a tiny piece of wood then I spent on my first car.

ROZ

Then follow him when he goes off 'antiquing' and find something in your price range like a brown paper bag.

DAPHNE

Are you suggesting I stalk him?

ROZ

Yeah.

DAPHNE

You don't think he'll notice I'm following him? We have met on quite a few occasions. I'll just go for another tie.

ROZ

How about you show up at his place wearing nothing but a smile?

DAPHNE

Did it for his birthday. My brother's are insisting on getting him something this year as well. I'm dreading it. After the tattoo I'm afraid they'll send him a home body piercing kit.

ROZ

Not the best gift givers I take it?

DAPHNE

That's an understatement. One year as a kid they gave me a terminally ill hamster with three legs.

ROZ

Three legs?

DAPHNE

Before they wrapped it up they played a game of throwing it at some flypaper and seeing if it would stick. Unfortunately after Peter threw it for what I believe was the eighteenth time, one of its feet stayed behind on the paper when they pulled it off. The poor thing kept knocking itself out on its water bottle when it lost its balance and fell off the wheel.

ROZ

How have you never been on Oprah?

NILES ENTERS AND HANGS UP HIS COAT ON THE PEG

DAPHNE

Oh Niles is coming, quick hide the catalogues. No wait, I've got a better idea pretend we don't know him.

ROZ

You're engaged to him, I think that boat's sailed.

NILES WALKS TO THE TABLE KISSES DAPHNE AND THEN SITS DOWN

NILES

Hello Daphne, Roz. So what have you been up to?

DAPHNE

(DEFENSIVELY) Nothing. Why would we have been up to anything? What's with all the questions? Why are you suddenly so mistrustful?

NILES

And no more coffee for you.

NILES MOVES HER CUP AWAY FROM HER

ROZ

Actually Niles can you help me with something.

NILES

Sure

ROZ

It's about Frasier's Christmas present; I'm not sure what to get him. You have the same taste what would you like for Christmas out of here?

NILES

I'm not sure. Let me have a look at these and I'll call you later.

DAPHNE MOUTHS 'THANK YOU' TO ROZ AS FRASIER ENTERS

ROZ

Great thanks. Oh no Frasier's here.

ROZ GETS UP AND GOES TOWARDS THE BATHROOM

NILES

Why are you leaving?

DAPHNE

You'll realise when he gets here.

ROZ EXITS TO THE BATHROOM

NILES

Best hide these then.

NILES MOVES THE BROCHURES UNDER THE TABLE AS FRASIER MOVES TO THE TABLE

FRASIER

Hello there.

NILES STARTS TO SMELL THE AIR AND LOOKS DISGUSTED

NILES

What on earth is that smell? Chad's burnt his arm on the steam nozzle again hasn't he? I don't know if I like the idea of his smouldering flesh mixing with my latte.

FRASIER

No actually it's me.

NILES

You burnt yourself on the steam nozzle? What were doing behind the counter?

FRASIER

I wasn't behind the counter.

NILES

Then someone threw it at you?

FRASIER

No it's meat paste.

NILES

Someone threw meat paste at you?

FRASIER

No I put it on myself.

NILES

You put meat paste on yourself? Why would you do that? How many more times stop drinking sherry for breakfast.

FRASIER

I've put the meat paste behind my ears.

NILES

Of course you have Frasier. Coffee is always a joy with you. Is that a clove of garlic around your neck?

DAPHNE

It's nice to know the weekly shop isn't wasted on stupid things like eating.

FRASIER

No it's just a rather grotesque diamond. Do you think it will catch on?

NILES

Starting a new trend in jewellery? Are you wearing an onion ring on your finger?

FRASIER

It's to try to scare off the station manager's daughter

ROZ ENTERS AND SITS BACK DOWN

NILES

Why is she a vampire? Or does she just have a phobia of meat paste.

ROZ

No she just wants him really badly like a mongoose in heat.

NILES

Then we must have her committed immediately.

ROZ

That's what I said.

DAPHNE

You'll have to start taking a sharp stick to work with you.

FRASIER

Thank you all so much for your sympathy.

NILES

Why do you want sympathy? For once in your life a woman is fawning all over you and you want to get rid of her, what's the problem? At this stage of your life, you've got no time to be fussy.

FRASIER

If I touch her, her father will kill me.

NILES

I'm sure he was just joking.

ROZ

No he wasn't, he's threatened everyone including most of the women. He told Tooty the Storybook Lady he'd hunt her down and maim her in the night if she so much as looked at her.

NILES

He doesn't seem entirely stable.

FRASIER

Gee do you think? She's all over me, it won't be long before my head is stuck on the top of the Space Needle.

EVELYN ENTERS AND STANDS BY THE DOOR STARING AT FRASIER

ROZ

That won't happen.

NILES

How would he climb to the top of the beacon to start with?

ROZ

Exactly.

FRASIER GETS UP TO LEAVE

FRASIER

I'm not taking any more of this abuse I'm leaving.

DAPHNE

Dr. Crane why is that woman staring at you?

FRASIER

Oh my God it's her hide me! Maybe she hasn't noticed.

FRASIER SITS BACK DOWN AND HIDES HIS FACE

NILES

You've just stood up and announced to the café that you were leaving. Fewer people would know if you'd had a sky writer do it.

EVELYN STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS THEM

FRASIER

She's coming over. How do I get rid of her?

DAPHNE

How do you normally get rid of interested women?

ROZ

Date them usually.

EVELYN APPROACHES THE TABLE AND PUTS HER ARM AROUND FRASIER AS HE STANDS UP

EVELYN

Hello there Frasier. Why haven't you joined me?

FRASIER

I couldn't abandon my family.

NILES

Oh we don't mind.

DAPHNE

Take him.

FRASIER

(SOTTO TO NILES AND DAPHNE) I will kill you both in the night for this.

CHRIS ENTERS AND WAITS BY THE DOOR

CHRIS

Evelyn, come here.

EVELYN

Damn it! Why does he have to ruin my sex life? But never mind I'll see you tonight.

FRASIER

Tonight?

EVELYN

At your party. Maybe we can steal some time alone away from my father.

FRASIER

(QUIETLY) And maybe I'll have a bullet in my back. (INDICATING CHRIS) I don't think he'll approve.

EVELYN

Think of it this way, he'll be a lot madder if you break my heart. Bye lover boy.

CHRIS AND EVELYN EXIT

ROZ

Well either way you are screwed now.

NILES

Normally that would just be an expression.

AS FRASIER SITS DOWN AND PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS, WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2
(Martin, Frasier, Daphne, Gill, Kenny, Roz, Evelyn, Chris)

THE ROOM IS DECORATED FOR THE FESTIVE SEASON BUT OBVIOUSLY BY FRASIER NOT MARTIN THIS YEAR. THERE IS ONE TABLE SET UP AS A BAR AND ANOTHER COVERED WITH FOOD. FRASIER STRAIGHTENS THE CHRISTMAS TREE AS MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM STRAIGHTENING HIS TIE. THE ROOM IS ALREADY PRETTY FULL WITH PEOPLE FROM THE STATION AND THE FRONT DOOR IS LEFT OPEN FOR EVERYONE ELSE

MARTIN

Why do I have to dress up for this party?

FRASIER

Because the new station owner is going to be here.

MARTIN

So? I don't work for him.

FRASIER

But he's bringing someone I think you'll really like.

MARTIN

You're not palming off your horny heiress on me.

FRASIER

Oh please Dad I'm desperate.

MARTIN

So is she if she's really this interested in you.

FRASIER

But her Dad will kill me.

MARTIN

Which means if I pay any attention to her he'll kill me. You're a lot bigger then me you'll stand more chance of fending him off.

FRASIER

But you're so much older. I have so much more to live for.

MARTIN

I know why don't I just throw myself over the balcony, since I have so little to live for. You can hurl Eddie and my chair over after me. If I were you I'd put some plastic sheeting on the sidewalk first.

FRASIER

That's not what I meant.

MARTIN

Isn't it?

FRASIER

Well yes but...please Dad.

MARTIN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN AS DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Daphne?

DAPHNE

I've already said no, I'm not making a pass at her.

FRASIER

That's not what I asked.

DAPHNE

All right I'm not sling shotting my knickers at her either. If he's going to kill someone for checking her out it's not going to be me.

FRASIER

Maybe Niles would.

MARTIN ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN

DAPHNE

No he wouldn't. Because if her Dad doesn't kill him for it I will.

MARTIN

Frasier the guy is not going to do anything to you.

FRASIER

He has a bumper sticker on his car saying 'if you can read this I'm going to insert your head up your ass.'

MARTIN

That could mean anything.

DAPHNE

Yes, that he's unstable and can snap a spine like a twig.

FRASIER

He has a sign on his lawn saying 'Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot twice.'

MARTIN

And you get that he'll kill you from that?

GIL ENTERS WEARING PLASTER CASTS ON BOTH ARMS

FRASIER

GIL what on earth happened?

GIL

I just happened to be walking up the stairs at the station behind Evelyn and her father. Unfortunately my eye line matched her posterior. The last thing I remember was Mr. William's foot "accidentally" swinging out and me bouncing down the stairs.

MARTIN

You have medical insurance right Fras?

FRASIER

Then why are you here if you're feeling that bad?

GIL

Mr Williams insisted. He's excepting no excuses for absences.

FRASIER

But it's not his party.

GIL

He doesn't care. And since contract negotiations are coming around, now is not the time to be without medical insurance taking into consideration the amount of physical therapy I'm going to need. And possibly even a cat scan. I'm sure I had a bigger field of vision then this before.

KENNY ENTERS WITH A BLACK EYE

FRASIER

Kenny! Oh no what happened? Has Mr. Williams had a little chat with you as well?

KENNY

No GIL elbowed me in the face with his plaster casts on the way back from the hospital.

FRASIER

Then why were you at the hospital as well?

KENNY

Mr. Williams broke my finger.

FRASIER

Shouldn't you just go home Gill?

GIL

No I like my liver. After all these years I've become rather attached to it.

FRASIER

But how are you going to do anything?

GIL

I hadn't realised I was the cabaret act you'd booked.

FRASIER

I meant like go to the bathroom.

GIL

With great difficulty.

FRASIER

Maybe I should just call your wife.

GIL

Deb? Dear God no. She can crush a watermelon with one hand. I can do without her assistance in that department thank you very much.

ROZ ENTERS RATHER HURRIEDLY

ROZ

Warning, they're coming!

FRASIER RUNS AND EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

MARTIN

Well done son, that's the mature thing to do.

EVELYN AND CHRIS ENTER

EVELYN

Where's Frasier?

ROZ

I'm not sure he's here.

EVELYN GLANCES TOWARDS THE KITCHEN AND CAN JUST ABOUT MAKE OUT FRASIER'S OUTLINE

EVELYN

Oh I love it when they play hard to get.

EVELYN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER IS ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES HIDING BEHIND THE ISLAND AS EVELYN ENTERS. SHE IMMEDIATELY SEES HIM

EVELYN (CONT'D)

Hello Frasier.

FRASIER

Oh hello there Evelyn.

FRASIER GETS UP OFF THE FLOOR BUT BACKS AWAY FROM EVELYN

EVELYN

So how about you give me a tour of the apartment. I'd love to see the bedroom.

FRASIER

You see Evelyn I can't. Now I think that you're a really lovely person but...I'm seeing someone else.

EVELYN

(HURT) Don't lie to me.

FRASIER

I'm not I'm actually engaged.

EVELYN

To who?

FRASIER

To...

DAPHNE ENTERS AND TAKES TWO GLASSES OUT OF THE CUPBOARD

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Daphne!

AS FRASIER GRABS DAPHNE AND PUTS AN ARM AROUND HER MUCH TO HER CONFUSION WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(D)

TITLE CARD: "YES YOU HEARD HIM RIGHT"

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — EVENING — DAY/2
(Daphne, Frasier, Evelyn, Roz, Martin, Chris, Gill, Niles, Noel, Kenny)

ALL THREE REMAIN AS BEFORE WITH FRASIER WITH HIS ARM AROUND DAPHNE AND EVELYN LOOKING AT THEM VERY SUSPICIOUSLY

DAPHNE

What?

FRASIER

I was just telling Evelyn about the engagement.

EVELYN

Yes and I'm very happy for you both.

DAPHNE

Thank you.

FRASIER

Yes thank you.

FRASIER LEANS IN AND KISSES DAPHNE CAUSING HER EYES TO GROW EXTREMELY WIDE IN SHOCK

DAPHNE

What the bleedin' hell are you doing?

FRASIER

What can't I kiss my fiancée?

DAPHNE

(CONFUSED) Your what?

FRASIER

My fiancée, honey bun.

FRASIER LOOKS AT DAPHNE PLEADINGLY UNTIL SHE CATCHES OUT AND PECKS HIS CHEEK

DAPHNE

Oh right of course yes. I just like to hear you say it that's all.

EVELYN

So how long have you been together?

A BEAT

FRASIER/DAPHNE

(SUDDENLY) Two years/Eight years.

EVELYN

Excuse me?

FRASIER AND DAPHNE BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER

DAPHNE

We mean we've been together for two years but it feels like eight.

EVELYN

How nice for you. Well if you'll excuse me I need a stiff drink.

FRASIER

Not at all, the bar is right out there.

EVELYN GLARES AT THEM BOTH BEFORE EXITING. ONCE SHE IS OUT OF THE ROOM DAPHNE FORCES FRASIER TO LET GO BEFORE SLAPPING HIM ACROSS THE ARM

DAPHNE

Are you insane?

FRASIER

That would be the general consensus yes.

DAPHNE

There's a room full of people out there who know the truth. Within five minutes she'll know the truth and will have you sucking on a bottle of drain cleaner.

FRASIER

Then help me spread the word to Roz and Dad to make sure that she doesn't get the chance to talk to anyone about it.

DAPHNE

What do you suggest Morse code or messenger pigeon?

FRASIER

How about a little less attitude.

DAPHNE

Well I can try.

FRASIER AND DAPHNE EXIT FROM THE KITCHEN

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER AND DAPHNE ENTER THE ROOM THAT IS NOW IN FULL SWING. TO THE FAR RIGHT OF THE ROOM MARTIN IS TALKING TO CHRIS AND EVELYN, WHILE GILL STRUGGLES ON THE COUCH AND ROZ CHATS TO SEVERAL PEOPLE BY THE ISLAND. DAPHNE IMMEDIATELY MOVES TOWARDS ROZ AS FRASIER MINGLES

ROZ

Hi Daphne.

DAPHNE

I'm engaged to Dr. Crane.

ROZ

Yeah I know, I ate the ring remember. I thought you'd got past the Dr. Crane thing. You can call him Niles you know.

DAPHNE

No I mean Frasier.

ROZ

Excuse me?

DAPHNE

During one of his frequent bouts of insanity he told that woman that wants him, we're engaged.

ROZ

Note the complete lack of gasps from this side of the room. So I take it for Christmas you decided to dump Niles, marry his brother and give him a small but deadly embolism?

DAPHNE

It's better then a tie.

ROZ

There's a lot more thought in it.

DAPHNE

Exactly. It would even make a good Valentine's Day present.

ROZ

Who doesn't want possibly fatal surgery? And they say romance is dead.

FRASIER MAKES HIS WAY OVER TO MARTIN

FRASIER

Dad, Dad, I need to talk to you.

MARTIN

Yeah just a second.

CHRIS

But that's not the biggest bear I've killed. Now he was about ten feet tall and I didn't even use a gun.

EVELYN

He used his hands.

FRASIER

Dad I really need to talk to you.

MARTIN

Just a second. So you really killed it with your bare hands?

CHRIS

Of course. I can crush pretty much anything to death with my hands, it's a skill I've developed.

FRASIER

Dad!

MARTIN

What?

FRASIER

I have to tell you something.

MARTIN

What's GIL doing with that pate?

FRASIER

Oh my God! I'll be right back.

FRASIER RUSHES TO GIL WHO IS STRUGGLING TO WIPE SOME PATE OFF THE COUCH

FRASIER (CONT'D)

GIL what are you doing?

GIL

Reliving that vile pate over and over again.

FRASIER

I made that.

GIL

Exactly.

FRASIER

It's all over my couch.

GIL

Well I'm sorry Frasier, but I'm ever so slightly broken in many places. Will you help me clean up please?

FRASIER

Of course.

FRASIER HELPS GIL UP AND TOWARDS THE BATHROOM PASSING PAST MARTIN

EVELYN

And are you pleased with Frasier's choice for a fiancée?

MARTIN

Fiancée? Frasier's not...

FRASIER DROPS GIL ON THE COUCH AND RUSHES BACK TO MARTIN

FRASIER

I'll be right back. Dad!

GIL

Just when I thought there wasn't anything left to be broken.

FRASIER

Dad I really need to talk to you right now.

MARTIN

It can't be that important.

FRASIER

Someone's drunk all your beer.

MARTIN

(SHOUTS) What?!?

FRASIER

Ok calm down that was a lie to get you over here. The truth is...

FRASIER MOVES MARTIN AWAY FROM CHRIS AND EVELYN

MARTIN

That was a cheep and dirty trick. Couldn't you have said Niles had been butchered instead?

FRASIER

The grief of having your youngest son chopped up and scattered around Seattle is less then the grief caused by someone drinking your beer?

MARTIN

Sure make me look like the bad guy why don't you. You're the one shouting that all my beer is gone.

FRASIER

Will you just listen?

MARTIN

What?

FRASIER

Dad, Dad I'm engaged to Daphne.

MARTIN

No son, that's your brother. Now let's go and have a little lie down with a cold press on your head and your hands tied to the bed.

FRASIER

I'm pretending to be engaged to Daphne to get Evelyn to leave me alone.

MARTIN

I know I understood, now let's go and have a lie down.

FRASIER

Just cooperate will you.

MARTIN

Hey you're the one that won't lie down.

FRASIER

But there's nothing wrong with me.

MARTIN

That's open to opinion.

NILES ENTERS AND WALKS STRAIGHT OVER TO DAPHNE

NILES

Hello there.

HE GOES TO KISS HER BUT SHE PUSHES HIM AWAY

DAPHNE

Oh good Dr. Crane I need to speak to you.

NILES

Dr. Crane? Have I walked through some sort of time warp?

DAPHNE

I'll explain in a moment.

NILES

Is this going to give me a headache?

DAPHNE

Probably.

NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER THE KITCHEN BEFORE SHE CHECKS THAT NO ONE CAN HEAR THEM SPEAK

NILES

Oh good I haven't had an enjoyable migraine for so long. What is it?

DAPHNE

To get Evelyn to leave him alone, your brother told her he was engaged to me.

NILES

(SHOUTS) He what?

DAPHNE

So you'll have to keep your hands to yourself tonight.

NILES

So will he of he knows what's good for him. Has she taken the bait?

DAPHNE

Hook, line and sinker.

NILES

I don't see how this will solve the problem.

DAPHNE

Why not? It's solved.

NILES

In the short term yes. But she'll be at the station for a long time. In the long term she'll expect to attend a wedding. And although I love my brother and would do anything for him, I have to draw the line at you two settling down together and having a couple of kids to fend off an unwanted admirer and an unpleasant violent death. When you become Mrs. Crane I want it to be Mrs. Niles Crane.

DAPHNE

My God Mrs. Crane, that's a frightening thought.

NILES

Why?

DAPHNE

Because to me Mrs. Crane has always been Maris. To compete with the image I'll have to start eating a cracker a day, lock myself in a room with no sunlight and make you sleep across the hall.

NILES

Well you're a step there you're already engaged to my brother.

DAPHNE

You've become very protective all of a sudden. Have your caveman instincts suddenly kicked in?

NILES

Maybe. It won't be long before I start to carry a club around, grunt and drag you around the apartment by your hair.

DAPHNE

Now you're just trying to seduce me, my future brother-in-law.

THEY KISS AS NOEL ENTERS

NOEL

Wow sorry.

NOEL EXITS AS THEY BREAK THE KISS

DAPHNE

Ok enough of that that could have been Evelyn. And you can be sure that if her father does kill him, he'll be straight round to your place to haunt you.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

GILL SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH LOOKING UP PLEADINGLY AT ROZ

ROZ

No

GIL

Roz please?

ROZ

In how many languages do I have to say no to you? I'll get an interpreter, a guy to translate into sign language and Noel to sign into Klingon if you want.

GIL

Did you ever think how hard it is for me to ask?

MARTIN WALKS PAST THEM

ROZ

Obviously not hard enough. Here's Martin he'll help you in the bathroom, he's a man.

MARTIN

I won't be if I do that. They could have kicked me out of the army for something like that.

ROZ

How about Kenny? He's already nearly blind from your trip to the hospital.

GIL

Oh forget it. I wouldn't want to put everyone out. I do have a shred of dignity left.

GILL GETS UP OFF THE COUCH AND WALKS TO THE BATHROOM WITH GREAT DIFFICULTY. HE THEN STRUGGLES TO OPEN THE DOOR. WHEN HE DOES HE CAN'T GET HIS ARMS THROUGH THE DOOR. HE EVENTUALLY HAS TO BEND OVER AND GO IN SIDEWAYS, BEFORE AGAIN STRUGGLING TO CLOSE THE DOOR AND EXITS

MARTIN

That's certainly open to debate.

NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN AND CALL FRASIER OVER TO THEM

NILES

Frasier we need to talk to you. I don't see how this little plan of your is going to work.

FRASIER

It is working. Do you see her all over me like some contagious rash? It'll be fine as long as we keep our affectionate displays looking realistic in front of her.

NILES

What affectionate displays?

DAPHNE

Just keep telling yourself I'm engaged to you.

NILES

I still don't see how this will work, they'll expect a wedding.

FRASIER

I'll tell her we've broken up before then.

NILES

But everyone at the station knows you're not together.

FRASIER

Well then your mission should you choice to accept it is to make sure none of them find out what's going on.

DAPHNE

It's amazing you've never worked for the CIA.

FRASIER

Now go.

KENNY WALKS OVER TO THEM BEFORE THEY CAN MOVE

KENNY

Hey Doc, I didn't know you and Daphne were engaged.

DAPHNE

(QUIETLY) Which one of you is he talking to?

FRASIER

I'm not sure. Play it by ear.

KENNY

Congratulations.

FRASIER AND NILES BOTH PUT THEIR HANDS OUT TO BE SHOOK. WHEN KENNY TAKES FRASIER'S HAND, NILES COVERS UP BY RAISING HIS HAND AND RUNNING IT THROUGH HIS HAIR

NILES

It wasn't quite the shortest mission in history but it was pretty close.

FRASIER

Thank you Kenny.

DAPHNE

Yes, thank you.

KENNY

You've certainly kept that quiet.

FRASIER

Well we didn't like to discuss it, for...for...

DAPHNE

For so many reasons.

KENNY

I'm not surprised. I always thought you and Niles were dating.

FRASIER

He's my brother! Yes we happen to spend a lot of time together and yes we went to the prom together but that does not mean...

DAPHNE

He meant me you daft apoth.

KENNY

Well weren't you?

DAPHNE

Erm...yes but...

FRASIER

But...

NILES

But I could see the love in their eyes and I just couldn't stand in their way.

KENNY

That was very noble.

NILES

Wasn't it though?

FRASIER

And now we're together.

FRASIER PUTS HIS ARM AROUND DAPHNE AND KISSES HER

NILES

Excuse me I have to do something.

KENNY

What?

NILES

Jab a pen in my eye.

NILES WALKS TO THE BAR

KENNY

Still bitter?

FRASIER

Not so that you'd notice.

FRASIER AND DAPHNE MOVE OVER TO NILES

DAPHNE

Now what do we do?

NILES

You have no choice but to announce it.

DAPHNE

Yes then dump me later.

FRASIER

Why?

DAPHNE

We're bound to run into someone in the future from the station and I'm not about to start seeing my real fiancée in secret.

NILES

Yes and plus, if you make the end brutal, Evelyn will see what kind of person you are and loose interest anyway.

FRASIER

You know you've got a point there.

DAPHNE

So are you going to do it?

FRASIER

(SHOUTS) Everyone can I have your attention please?

DAPHNE

Does he ever think things over?

NILES

Only important things like wine selection.

FRASIER

I have an announcement to make. Daphne and I are engaged.

AS EVERYONE APPLAUDS MARTIN AND ROZ RUSH OVER TO THEM

MARTIN

You do know it's not actually true right?

FRASIER

Of course I do.

ROZ

Then you've obviously lost your mind. Someone help me find it quick before he tries to marry me as well.

DAPHNE

Kenny found out so we had to announce it.

MARTIN

So? They won't be expecting you to consummate it in front of them as well you know.

DAPHNE

Because that's definitely not in my job description.

FRASIER

This way I can now dump Daphne in an hour or so and Evelyn will think I'm some sort of cold-hearted fiend and won't be interested anymore.

ROZ

But you've just announced it. Won't that make you seem a little nutty?

FRASIER

Another major turnoff.

NILES

Well hopefully she'll be sufficiently turned off before you start biting the feet off rabbits.

MARTIN

So when are you going to do it?

FRASIER

In an hour or so.

KENNY PICKS UP THE PHONE OFF THE ISLAND

KENNY

Hey Doc, can I use your phone?

FRASIER

Sure. Calling home?

KENNY

No the station, I've got to get them to announce the great news.

FRASIER

Or maybe I'll do it now. (SHOUTS) For God's sake Daphne stop being so possessive.

DAPHNE

(QUIETLY) What of?

FRASIER

(QUIETLY) I don't know improvise.

DAPHNE

(SHOUTS) Oh but Dr. Crane...

NILES

(QUIETLY) Frasier.

DAPHNE

(SHOUTS) I mean Frasier, it's my can opener, I bought it.

FRASIER

(QUIETLY) Can opener?

DAPHNE

(QUIETLY) I'm sorry.

FRASIER

(SHOUTS) But you always do it. Sometimes you smother me.

MARTIN

Something that we'd all like to do.

FRASIER

(SHOUTS) That's it Daphne. It's over. Haul your English ass out of here sister.

DAPHNE PRETENDS TO BREAK DOWN IN TEARS

ROZ

What was that?

FRASIER

I'm trying to look boorish.

ROZ

I thought you were going for grade A fruit loop, but you say potato, I say potato.

KENNY

Doc, I'm shocked.

FRASIER

Well I'm sorry but meet the real Frasier Crane, Kenny. The man who is cruel, uses women like tissues and takes candy off babies.

MARTIN

Like you have the strength to do that.

FRASIER

And I like the real me. I'm sick of living this charade.

EVELYN

I've never wanted you more.

FRASIER RUSHES TO DAPHNE AND HUGS HER

FRASIER

Oh Daphne I'm so sorry. It was in the heat of the moment. Please forgive me.

DAPHNE

What are you doing?

FRASIER

Having a stroke. Come into the kitchen.

FRASIER AND DAPHNE EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN WITH NILES FOLLOWING

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER, DAPHNE AND NILES ALL ENTER INTO THE KITCHEN

NILES

What's wrong now?

FRASIER

That's just made her want me more.

DAPHNE

Oh just face the inevitable. You've lived a full life.

FRASIER

No I won't give up. I'll think of something.

DAPHNE

You'd better do it quick because after tonight Niles and I are not hiding.

FRASIER

Fine.

FRASIER EXITS AS NILES FROWNS AFTER HIM

DAPHNE

You can stop pulling that frowning face now. It's your brother, not some random man off the street.

NILES

I know. But now that we're finally together I don't want to hide it.

DAPHNE

Oh come here.

DAPHNE HUGS NILES

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

EVELYN, GIL AND NOEL ALL STAND BY THE ISLAND

EVELYN

Twenty bucks says it won't last.

GIL

I'd take that bet but I can't actually put my hand in my pocket.

NOEL

I thought she was dating Dr. Crane.

EVELYN

She is.

NOEL

No, Dr. Crane's brother.

GIL

I did think that myself.

EVELYN

What makes you so sure?

NOEL

I saw her kissing him in the kitchen about ten minutes ago.

EVELYN

Really?

EVELYN QUICKLY EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

NILES AND DAPHNE ARE KISSING AS EVELYN ENTERS AND DROPS HER GLASS ON THE FLOOR

EVELYN (CONT'D)

Oh my God! Frasier! Frasier get in here!

NILES AND DAPHNE BREAK THE KISS AS FRASIER ENTERS

FRASIER

What is it?

EVELYN

You're fiancée is seeing your brother behind your back.

NILES

No we're not.

FRASIER

See they're not.

EVELYN

I saw them.

DAPHNE

No he was looking in my eye.

FRASIER

(SUDDENLY THINKING) No wait! You were weren't you?

NILES

No.

FRASIER

No you were.

DAPHNE

(QUIETLY) What are you doing?

FRASIER

(QUIETLY) Just go with me.

NILES

Ok we were.

FRASIER

(ACTING DISTRAUGHT) Oh the betrayal. Oh the horror. Oh my aching heart.

DAPHNE

Get the Oscar ready.

NILES

What to club him with?

EVELYN PUTS HER ARM AROUND HIM

EVELYN

Oh my poor baby. Look what you've done to him.

FRASIER

You were the love of my life.

EVELYN

Will you be OK?

FRASIER

I don't know if I'll ever be able to love again.

NILES

You just need time to heal.

DAPHNE

A long, long, long time to heal.

EVELYN

I'll wait for you.

FRASIER

It may be a long time. I'm talking about long grey hair and beard kind of long time.

EVELYN

I'll wait for you. I'll give you space until you're ready.

FRASIER

Thank you.

EVELYN GLARES AND POINTS AT NILES AND DAPHNE

EVELYN

I just hope my father never finds out how you've treating his number one talent at the station. God knows what he could do in a jealous rage.

EVELYN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

NILES

Quick who can I pretend to be engaged to?

AS FRASIER STARTS TO SIGH A BIG SIGN OF RELIEF, WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

CLOSING CREDITS: THE PARTY IS IN FULL SWING WITH EVERYONE GATHERED AROUND THE PIANO SINGING CHRISTMAS CAROLS EXPECT GIL WHO IS SITTING ON THE COUCH. GIL STRUGGLES TO GET UP TO JOIN THEM BUT SLIPS AND FALLS OFF THE COUCH BEFORE HE CAN AND DISAPPEARS BETWEEN THE COUCH AND THE TABLE. EDDIE THEN RUNS FROM OFF MARTIN'S CHAIR AND JUMPS ON GILL, WHO OBVIOUSLY SCREAMS AND CAUSES EVERYONE TO COME RUNNING