I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.

All feedback will be treated like the Holy Grail that it is so please send it to Kelly_simba@hotmail.com

Good luck to my boys in West Bromwich on Sunday. No matter what happens I have never been prouder of you. It just proves what you can achieve with a little hard work.

Enjoy...


Frasier
Alternative Season Nine Episode Nine
10 Things I Hate About You

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

TITLE CARD: "WILL HE BE ELIGIBLE FOR AN EMMY?"

FADE IN:

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Roz, Frasier, Kenny, Fern (VO), Messenger)

FRASIER AND ROZ SIT ON THEIR RESPECTIVE SIDES OF THE GLASS PARTITION IN THE BOOTH. THEY ARE CURRENTLY NOT ON AIR AS FRASIER SITS STARING AT ROZ WITH A LOST PUPPY EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE

ROZ

Stop pulling that pathetic face at me and start concentrating on your callers. I've seen dead puppies with more focus then you. And they no longer have eyes.

FRASIER

What kind of producer are you when you put the callers needs ahead of mine? I am the star of this show. No matter how I feel I twinkle everyday. Without me this would just be another boring stuffed shirt programme clogging up the airwaves and driving everyone to drink.

ROZ

I'm sorry, I forgot what point we were making. And of course the callers haven't contributed to the success of this call-in show at all?

FRASIER

Well I'd be lying if the occasional slack jawed yokel who was secretly dating his sister who coincidentally also just happened to be his narcoleptic daughter who was covered from head to toe in tattoos, didn't boost the ratings a little, but I am the heart and soul of the show.

ROZ

Did you see him on the cover of Life magazine after he phoned in here? He's probably one of the most famous people in the country. He's made incest popular again.

FRASIER

Ah yes, something that was still on my to do list. Wasn't he wearing a pair of squirrel slippers in that photo?

ROZ

That's right. He removed their eyes and made cuff links from them.

FRASIER

It's just a shame he wasn't wearing the slippers on his feet. I know I'll never wear earmuffs again.

ROZ

We should be earning commission off that guy for launching his career.

FRASIER

I don't think we should try to take any of the credit for "Cooking Delights" with Ned and his volatile wombat Angelo, it's not exactly a great cultural step forward for this great country of ours.

ROZ

Yeah but I notice you were front of the line to get your cookery book signed.

FRASIER

That was for Daphne.

ROZ

Do you think you're going to be able to concentrate now? Or do I need to remove all shiny objects from view so they won't distract you?

FRASIER


(DISAPPOINTED) No I'll be fine now...

KENNY WALKS PAST THE BOOTH AS FRASIER JUMPS TO HIS FEET AND OPENS THE DOOR TO SPEAK TO HIM

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Oh Kenny! Has it come yet?

KENNY

No, not yet. You've got to stop being so obsessive about every single tiny little...Ooh donuts.

KENNY EXITS RUNNING AROUND THE CORNER AS FRASIER SHUTS THE DOOR, SITS BACK DOWN AND PUTS HIS HEADPHONES ON

FRASIER

What is taking so long?

ROZ

They obviously don't think that my ears bleed enough with your constant whining.

FRASIER

I don't whine.

ROZ

Then you do an amazing impression of it. When I accidentally decapitated Alice's favourite stuffed rabbit in the car door the other day she didn't whine as much all day as you've done in the space of an hour. There was even stuffing all over the back seat, she sat in it's remains for an hour. I'm surprised she hasn't tried to call into the show.

FRASIER

And you're comparing my plight to a headless toy rabbit?

ROZ

Hey at least Alice had dignity.

ROZ GIVES FRASIER THE SIGNAL AND HE GOES BACK ON AIR

FRASIER

Hello Seattle we're back. On the line is Fern who was kind enough to stay with us during our newsbreak. Fern your problem is certainly a complicated one.

FERN (VO)

Dr. Crane I just don't know what to do, I'm so confused and depressed.

FRASIER

Fern, the board is rather slow today, so if you have some time I can go into detail to try to help you with your problem.

FERN (VO)

That would be great Dr. Crane.

A MESSENGER ENTERS INTO ROZ'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH AND HANDS HER A MAGAZINE BEFORE EXITING

FRASIER

OK, now this all stems from...

ROZ HOLDS THE MAGAZINE UP TO THE GLASS

FRASIER

Oh, oh...it's here!

FERN (VO)

Excuse me?

FRASIER

You just need to develop a little patience. Stop whining. You'll get that kidney transplant soon enough. We'll be back after this.

FRASIER GOES OFF AIR, QUICKLY PULLS HIS HEADPHONES OFF AND BURSTS INTO ROZ'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Roz let me have it.

ROZ

Only if you promise not to cry if you're not in it. I don't want the switchboard to fuse again. I got so much static electricity from it last time that my head kept sticking to the wall.

ROZ HANDS FRASIER THE MAGAZINE AND HE BEGINS FLICKING THROUGH IT FRANTICALLY

FRASIER

OK we have a deal. Except I had my fingers crossed.

ROZ TRIES TO TAKE IT BACK BUT CAN'T GRAB IT

ROZ

Give it back.

FRASIER

No it's mine, back off. Now let's see the fifty hottest people in Seattle. Where am I this year?

ROZ

Probably in the smacked repeatedly with a frying pan column. Look you're not in it. There's no way you made it past twenty.

FRASIER


(ECSTATIC) Oh what have we here? Number fourteen Dr. Frasier Crane! Finally my day has come.

ROZ

Obviously these writers don't get out a lot. If at all.

FRASIER

It's official I am the fourteenth hottest person in Seattle.

FRASIER GIVES THE MAGAZINE TO ROZ TO LOOK AT

ROZ

Well we always knew you were full of hot air. No way! You beat Brad McNamara. But he's so pretty I just want to kiss him all over.

FRASIER

What does that make me then?

ROZ

More like, what does that make the writers? Some sort of half blind goblins that live under bridges. Suddenly my world doesn't make quite as much sense.

FRASIER

Now on with my show, my adoring public is waiting.

ROZ

Oh don't make me hurl, it won't look pretty on the glass. I had a lasagne for lunch.

FRASIER GOES BACK INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH AND GOES BACK ON AIR AS ROZ CONTINUES TO LOOK THROUGH THE MAGAZINE

FRASIER

Hello Seattle I'm back. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, freshly crowned fourteenth hottest person is Seattle. So now back to...

ROZ HOLDS THE MAGAZINE AGAINST THE GLASS AGAIN SHOWING A PICTURE OF NILES

FRASIER (CONT'D)

...more commercials.

FRASIER GOES OFF AIR AND ENTERS INTO ROZ'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH BEFORE SNATCHING THE MAGAZINE BACK

FRASIER (CONT'D)

What is Niles doing in there?

ROZ

Guess who is number ten.

FRASIER

What?

ROZ

It's right there in black and white. Niles is officially hotter then you are. Now I know for a fact that these writers are deranged.

AS FRASIER ENTERS BACK INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH LOOKING EXTREMELY ANNOYED WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Niles, Frasier, Roz, Woman)

FRASIER SITS LOOKING MISERABLE IN NERVOSA AS NILES PICKS UP HIS COFFEE OFF THE COUNTER AND WALKS OVER TO FRASIER

NILES

Hello Frasier. Do you mind if I join you?

FRASIER


(SNAPPY) If you have to.

NILES SITS DOWN

NILES

Are you OK?

FRASIER


(SARCASTIC) Oh just dandy.

NILES

What's the matter with you? Just ask the dry cleaner to re-align your pleats, I'm sure they won't charge you.

FRASIER

Don't play coy with me Niles. You may be trying to bait me but I won't bite. I am much more mature then you are you big baby.

NILES

What are you talking about?

FRASIER

Your entry in Seattle magazine.

NILES

I'm in Seattle magazine? What for?

FRASIER

Well we were both on their fifty hottest people in Seattle list. You haven't seen it?

NILES

No. Was it a big piece?

FRASIER

It was hardly a piece. It was tiny; in fact I wouldn't even waste my money on a copy if I were you. Just forget about it.

A BEAT

NILES

What number was I?

FRASIER

I thought we were forgetting it. I hardly remember. Oh well, what a shame.

NILES

Well who was highest?

FRASIER

I don't recall.

ROZ ENTERS AND SITS DOWN BETWEEN THEM

NILES

It's a shame we don't have a copy.

FRASIER

Yes it is.

ROZ PRODUCES THE MAGAZINE FROM HER BAG AND GIVES IT TO NILES

ROZ

Then it's a good job I fished yours out the trash before I left the office. Here you go. Do either of you know how to reattach a decapitated head?

NILES STARTS TO FLICK THROUGH IT

FRASIER

No but I'd learn fast if I were you because yours is about to roll down the street like a bowling ball.

ROZ

What's the problem? He was going to find out eventually. Actually I should have held on to it to black mail you with in the future. Oh well I'll just have to go back to threatening to scratch your car with my keys. You nearly dropped a lung screaming the last time I threatened to.

NILES


(SHOCKED) I'm number ten?

ROZ

That is pretty impressive. How much did you pay them to include you? A thousand dollars? Free therapy? A quick glimpse at your Elizabethan brothel kitchen spatula?

NILES

Nothing. Well, well, well number ten.

FRASIER


(BITTER) Yes well congratulations Bo Derek, can we get back to our coffee?

NILES

What number are you?

ROZ

In my opinion a zero. But they didn't ask me. He's number fourteen.

FRASIER

Roz!

ROZ

And he's a little bitter about it. Not that you'd notice from that pouting lip. And what are you Rozing me for? He's a clever boy and the magazine is right in front of him, he would have found out before you have the chance to burn every copy in the city.

NILES

Number fourteen is a perfectly reasonable entry.

FRASIER

Don't patronise me.

NILES

Oh come on Frasier is doesn't actually mean anything. The views of these people don't mean anything. They don't even know us. So who really cares?

FRASIER

I guess you're right.

NILES

So let's just enjoy our coffee.

ROZ

But let's get to the point at hand, how do I attach this rodent's head back on?

FRASIER

That is not how we enjoy our coffee, talking about maimed stuffed animals.

ROZ

I wasn't talking to you, I want the opinion of someone in the top ten.

FRASIER

I thought it didn't matter.

NILES

And it doesn't. It's dropped.

A WOMAN ENTERS AND WALKS STRAIGHT OVER TO NILES

WOMAN

Oh my God, you're that guy from the top ten. This is so exciting, can I get you to sign my magazine?

NILES

Of course.

ROZ

Frasier start to breathe or that vein in your forehead is going to explode.

AS NILES GOES TO SIGN THE MAGAZINE AND FRASIER FUMES WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

TITLE CARD: "MOVE OVER DARLING"

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/1
(Daphne, Frasier, Roz, Niles, Martin)

DAPHNE SITS ON THE COUCH SOWING A SMALL FLUFFY RABBIT WITH ROZ SITTING NEXT TO HER WATCHING AS FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR RATHER VIOLENTLY AND ENTERS, SLAMMING IT BEHIND HIM

DAPHNE

There's an entrance that makes you want to go running for the hills if I wasn't so afraid you'd burn my house down and rape my cattle. Have you burnt your mouth on your latte again?

FRASIER

No, it's nothing that petty. Roz how did you get here so fast?

ROZ

Well while you sulked around outside Nervosa with your bottom lip scraping along the floor, I got in my car and drove here. It's not a terribly difficult concept to grasp.

FRASIER

What are you doing here anyway?

ROZ

I've already told you, I need a head attached.

DAPHNE

And apparently I'm the woman for the job. Look at that perfect!

DAPHNE HANDS ROZ THE RABBIT

ROZ

Daphne that's great...in a kind of mutated Glen Close kind of way.

DAPHNE

What's wrong with it?

ROZ

You were supposed to attach its head.

DAPHNE

I have.

ROZ

Yeah but with its neck attached to it's shoulders, not with its ear to its arm. It looks like it's playing basketball with it's own head. This is going to freak her out more then if I set fire to it right in front of her face.

FRASIER POURS HIMSELF A SHERRY AND SLUMPS WITH A LONG SIGH ONTO THE COUCH

DAPHNE

What is wrong with you? Have you ever been told that if the wind blows your face will stick like that?

FRASIER

Have you ever been told don't cheek the person who signs your pay cheque?

ROZ

He's upset with Niles so expect a lot of backlash.

DAPHNE

Why what's he done now?

FRASIER

Oh like you don't know.

NILES ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR

NILES

Hello all.

ROZ

Quick run away before the hair pulling and eye gauging starts.

NILES KISSES DAPHNE ON HIS WAY TO HANGING UP HIS COAT

DAPHNE

Will someone please explain what's going on?

NILES

Have you seen this months Seattle Magazine?

DAPHNE

You know I don't read that. It's nothing but a group of pretentious fops talking about another group of pretentious fops.

NILES

Exactly. Have you seen who is number ten on their list of the 50 hottest people in Seattle?

NILES HANDS DAPHNE THE MAGAZINE WITH THE RELEVANT PAGE OPEN

DAPHNE

Oh my God, it's you.

ROZ

That's right and Frasier is number fourteen.

FRASIER GLARES AT ROZ

ROZ

Oh don't waste your death rays on me, I didn't write it.

DAPHNE

Hang on, what does this mean?

ROZ

It means that the world is about to end and no one at that magazine has any taste.

DAPHNE

No under this photo of me and Niles, it says 'Dr. Niles Crane and friend.'

FRASIER

So?

DAPHNE

We're engaged and it doesn't mention it at all in here. 'Friend' sounds like some woman you picked up off the street and promised her a night out in exchange for a quick one up against the garden fence.

NILES

You could almost be describing Roz.

DAPHNE

You don't find this at all upsetting?

NILES

Erm...no.

DAPHNE EXITS TO HER ROOM AS NILES WATCHES AFTER HER

NILES

That was the wrong answer wasn't it?

FRASIER

Oh I'd say so. Have fun Niles.

NILES EXITS AFTER DAPHNE

ROZ

You've changed your tune.

FRASIER

Well it's not all fun and games being on the top ten.

MARTIN ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR WITH EDDIE

MARTIN

Hey Roz.

ROZ

Oh hi Martin.

EDDIE JUMPS UP ON THE COUCH AND STARTS TO CHEW THE RABBIT

ROZ

Wait Eddie no, bad dog.

ROZ PULLS THE RABBIT OFF HIM

MARTIN

I'm so sorry. Did he do all that damage?

FRASIER

The disembowelment yes but the rest was done by the hack hand of Daphne.

MARTIN

You let Daphne sow for you?

ROZ

Yeah why?

FRASIER

She's not exactly the best. You wouldn't want her stitching you up in causality. You'd end up like Frankenstein's ugly brother with a leg where your ear should be. She kitted me a sweater with three arms once.

MARTIN

Do you remember that tent she knitted me?

ROZ

I thought that was a dress.

FRASIER

It was a woolly hat. She can't seem to stop knitting. If that hat had got any bigger, it could have been laid in a field for the sheep to graze on. Then when they're sheared, they'd produce a lovely crop of grass.

FRASIER EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

ROZ

I've got to do something with this thing, I'd rather not traumatise Alice for life just yet. I want to wait until she's at least seven or eight.

MARTIN

Give it here, I'll have a go.

ROZ

You can sow?

MARTIN

If you tell anyone, I'll deny it, say the only sowing I've ever done was teaching criminals to sow mailbags and I'll hunt you down in the night.

ROZ

OK we have a deal and you can have really scary eyes when you put your mind to it.

NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER FROM HER ROOM, NILES PRACTICALLY DRAGGING DAPHNE

NILES

Frasier did you know that we'll be invited to a celebratory dinner because of this magazine article?

FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN

FRASIER

I had been told something along those lines. It'll be nice to have an elegant evening out together.

ROZ

Oh you won't be together. I bet they'll have all the top ten sitting together at the head table.

FRASIER GLARES AT ROZ AGAIN BEFORE THEY BOTH EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN

NILES


(CREEPING) Yes when I tell everyone that Daphne and I are not friends but actually engaged.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

ROZ POURS HERSELF A GLASS OF WATER AS FRASIER LEANS UP THE COUNTER GRINNING TO HIMSELF

ROZ

That's a ridiculous grin. Winning the bitterest person at the dinner award is nothing to be happy about.

FRASIER

There'll be no need for that when I make Niles humiliate himself at dinner.

ROZ

And how exactly are you going to do that?

FRASIER

I'm not sure yet, but I can assure you it's going to be fiendishly evil.

ROZ

Oh barf! Let me out of here before you start stroking your imaginary cat and twitching your moustache.

AS ROZ EXITS WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(D)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — EVENING — DAY/2
(Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Martin, Roz)

FRASIER POURS HIMSELF A DRINK WHILE NILES AND DAPHNE TALK BY THE DOOR

NILES

Daphne will you please calm down.

DAPHNE

She was hitting on you.

NILES

All she wanted was an autograph.

DAPHNE

Yeah, on her breasts.

NILES

Oh she was only joking.

DAPHNE

She took her top off. Or didn't you notice the police covering her up her cleavage and escorting her from the building.

NILES

Women ask for Frasier's autograph everyday, you don't think they're hitting on him.

DAPHNE

But you're hotter then he is.

FRASIER

Hey.

DAPHNE

There's no point heying, it's right there in black and white.

FRASIER, NILES AND DAPHNE ALL EXIT

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR WITH ROZ LEANING RIGHT OVER HIM STUFFING SOME KNITTING DOWN THE SIDE OF THE CHAIR AS FRASIER, NILES AN DAPHNE ENTER

NILES

What are you doing?

MARTIN

Nothing?

ROZ SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH

ROZ

What makes you think there's something going on?

FRASIER

Roz what are you doing to Dad's pants?

ROZ

That's a very good question. That Martin is going to answer for you. Aren't you?

MARTIN

Apparently so. I was just having some trouble with my...with my...

ROZ

With his zip.

DAPHNE

With your zip?

MARTIN

It's not a strange as it sounds, stop staring at us.

FRASIER

Ok then, but just bare in mind Roz, no matter what the outcome of this little misunderstanding is, I'm never calling you mother.

ROZ

That's reassuring to hear. But I'm not old enough to be mother to either of you, shut up Niles.

NILES

I never said a word.

ROZ

But that glint in your eye spoke volumes.

NILES

Then I'm sorry you had to hear that. Why do you have wool stuffed down the side of your chair?

MARTIN

Why not?

DAPHNE

That's not an answer.

MARTIN

It's not? Oh well, never mind.

NILES

Are you ready to go?

DAPHNE

What me to dinner, or your father to the loony bin?

ROZ

Lots of people have bits of sheep shoved down the side of their chairs, it's not so uncommon.

FRASIER

That explains why you couch has hooves and bleats every time you sit on it.

DAPHNE

That's romantic on a date.

NILES

Are you sure you don't want to come with us Frasier?

FRASIER

No I'll drive myself.

NILES

Suit yourself.

FRASIER

I'll see you there.

NILES

That's if I'll be able to see you all the way down there.

NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR

FRASIER

Damn him.

ROZ

If you weren't acting like such a baby, he wouldn't be taunting you. You're bringing it all down on yourself.

MARTIN

She's right.

FRASIER

Well thank you both so much. I always love the opinions on none Ph.D.'s.

ROZ

OK fine, but if you try to humiliate him, it'll only backfire.

FRASIER

That just proves how much you know. I will humiliate him, I will emerge triumphant and he will be as hot as Daphne's cooking.

AS FRASIER EXITS OUT THE FRONT DOOR WE:

FADE OUT

(D)

FADE IN:

INT. HOTEL LOBBY — EVENING — DAY/2
(Daphne, Niles, Frasier, Brad, Mary, Guests)

AS LOTS OF GUESTS ENTER INTO A LARGE BALLROOM TO THE RIGHT DAPHNE LEANS UP THE WALL WITH NILES AT HER FEET LOOKING AT HER SHOE THAT HAS THE HEEL BROKEN OFF

DAPHNE

I don't believe this.

NILES

Maybe we could attach it somehow.

DAPHNE

How? Unless you're in the habit of bringing a tube of dental adhesive out with you I'm out of luck.

NILES

Stick damn you.

DAPHNE

If that works, you're giving up psychiatry and we're travelling around the country so you can make your fortune as one of those television evangelists.

NILES

Maybe no one will notice.

DAPHNE

I look as if I was born on the side of a hill.

NILES

You act like that's a bad thing.

DAPHNE

How am I supposed to fend any woman off you, with one leg shorter then the other? The moment I start to run, I'll go around in circles before passing out and drooling.

NILES

Daphne where has this insecurity come from? I'm in love with you, I'm engaged to you, I'm going to marry you. I don't care what that magazine said. I only have eyes for you.

FRASIER ENTERS AND IGNORING NILES HEADS FOR THE BALLROOM

NILES (CONT'D)

I'll be right back.

NILES RUNS OVER TO FRASIER

NILES (CONT'D)

Are you not even going to speak to me now?

FRASIER

No.

NILES

Why are you being such a child about this?

FRASIER

You're the one that keeps rubbing it in my face.

NILES

I have not done that once...well not once when you didn't provoke me first. You're a celebrity, isn't that enough?

FRASIER

Well you'd think.

FRASIER EXITS INTO THE BALLROOM AS DAPHNE HOBBLES OVER TO NILES AND LEANS UP AGAINST HIM

DAPHNE

Are you quite finished ditching me for your brother? If I wasn't insecure before I am now.

NILES

I'm sorry that was thoughtless. Let's go and sit down.

NILES WALKS ON AHEAD DISTRACTED BY FRASIER LEAVING DAPHNE STRUGGLING TO STAND UP STRAIGHT ON THE SPOT

DAPHNE

Some help might be nice.

NILES RUSHES BACK TO DAPHNE AND TAKES HER BY THE ARM

NILES

Lean on me.

DAPHNE LEANS ON NILES AND THEY BEGIN TO MOVE QUICKLY TOWARDS THE BALLROOM, NILES ANXIOUS TO CATCH UP WITH FRASIER

DAPHNE

This is not a three-legged race.

NILES

But Frasier is ahead of us.

DAPHNE

So? You can be apart for more then an hour a day you know. He's not coming on our Honeymoon with us. The last thing I want is him curled up on the end of our bed.

NILES

That won't happen. The plane is probably fully booked by now.

RESET TO:

INT. HOTEL BALLROOM — EVENING — DAY/2

THE ROOM IS DECORATED WITH LARGE BANNERS FOR SEATTLE MAGAZINE AND PHOTO'S OF EVERYONE WHO IS IN THE TOP FIFTY. TO THE RIGHT OF THE ROOM IS THE BAR NEXT TO THE ENTRANCE, TO THE LEFT IS A PODIUM NEXT TO THE BAND, WITH DOZENS OF TABLES IN BETWEEN. THE PLACE IS FILLED WITH MINGLING PEOPLE, AS FRASIER TALKS TO BRAD TO THE LEFT.

BRAD

Frasier, nice to see you again.

FRASIER

Brad. It's been a while since the last broadcasting conference.

NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER AND SIT DOWN AT THE NEAREST TABLE

BRAD

And how is Roz?

FRASIER

She's fine.

BRAD

So what number were you ranked as?

FRASIER

Does it really matter?

BRAD

Beaten by your brother were you?

FRASIER

But I still beat you.

BRAD

Don't say that too loud. This is how those dominatrix stories get leaked to the press. I'm still receiving bad press over the last time it happened. That's probably why I'm ranked so low this year.

FRASIER

But last time that story was true.

BRAD

That's what everyone thought, damn press.

FRASIER

They had photos of you leaving her house.

BRAD

Did you ever think that could be my mother?

FRASIER

Dear God I hope not.

NILES STARTS TO STARE OVER AT FRASIER

NILES

What's Frasier saying to Brad McNamara?

DAPHNE

I'm struggling to lip read from here. Unless he's talking about donating a kidney so a hamster can have a transplant.

NILES

He's talking about me I can tell.

DAPHNE

How do you know that?

FRASIER MOVES AWAY FROM BRAD TOWARDS THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM

NILES

I can just sense it. He's trying to run my name down.

DAPHNE

He's not.

NILES

Too right because I'm going to do it first.

NILES WALKS OVER TO BRAD AS A WAITER WALKS PAST THE TABLE

DAPHNE

Can I have a glass of wine? A big one? Thanks.

NILES SHAKES HANDS WITH BRAD

NILES

Hello, Niles Crane.

BRAD

Brad McNamara, pleased to meet you. I hear you made it to the top ten, congratulations.

NILES

OK let's cut to the chase, what were you talking to Frasier about?

BRAD

I really can't say, it's caused me enough trouble.

NILES

Would you tell me if I happen to let it slip that a certain brother of mine dated a stripper for a while?

BRAD

Maybe, and which brother would that be?

NILES

I only have one.

BRAD

So it's Frasier.

NILES

Obviously.

AS BRAD GETS OUT A PAD AND WRITES IT DOWN MARY ENTERS FROM THE LOBBY AND WALKS PAST DAPHNE'S TABLE

DAPHNE

Excuse me, aren't you Mary Ackerman?

MARY

That's right.

DAPHNE

Hello Daphne Moon. I just love your show. Congratulations on your entry in this magazine thing.

MARY

Thank you. And where did you rank in it?

DAPHNE

Oh I'm not actually in it, I'm here with Niles Crane.

MARY

Oh yes that's it, I knew I knew your face. You're the friend he was pictured with. Oh and being a friend you'll be able to answer me a question, is he single?

DAPHNE

Actually we're not friends, we're engaged.

MARY

Oh I'm sorry.

DAPHNE

That's quite all right it was an easy mistake.

MARY

No I meant when they print 'friend' that generally means it's the end.

MARY WALKS AWAY AS FRASIER SITS DOWN NEXT TO DAPHNE WITH HIS EYES FIRMLY STUCK ON NILES AND BRAD

FRASIER

Hello Daphne.

DAPHNE

Dr. Crane I need to talk to you about something...

FRASIER

What's Niles doing talking to Brad McNamara?

DAPHNE

That's not the problem it's...

FRASIER

He's spreading rumours about me isn't he? As if he hasn't pushed me down enough. Well two can play at that game.

FRASIER GETS UP AND MOVES TOWARDS THE BAR AS THE WAITER WALKS PAST THE TABLE AGAIN

DAPHNE

I'm fine by the way. Can I have another one? On second thoughts just bring me the bottle and a straw.

AS DAPHNE SLUMPS DOWN IN HER CHAIR LOOKING EXTREMELY DEPRESSED WE:

FADE OUT

(E)

TITLE CARD: "IT'S THERE TO PULL THE WOOL OVER HER EYES"

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2
(Martin, Roz)

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR WITH A PILE OF KNITTING ON HIS LAP WATCHING ROZ EXTREMELY CLOSELY AS SHE SITS ON THE COUCH TRYING TO KNIT

MARTIN

You're not holding your needles right.

ROZ

I am.

MARTIN

You've got no control over them.

ROZ

They're practically wrapped in a woollen leash they can't go anywhere.

MARTIN

They're not stable. One of them could fly out at any minute and run Eddie through. And this is not a cartoon so it will kill him.

ROZ

OK now what do I do with it?

MARTIN

My suggestion would be to burn it. The Grand Canyon is smaller then the hole in that.

ROZ

That's the neck hole.

MARTIN

It's a scarf.

ROZ

It's a new unique design. Do you think it will catch on?

MARTIN

I think you'll catch pneumonia if you wear it out in the winter.

ROZ

Can't I just fill the hole in?

MARTIN

What with cement? This is not some DIY home repair exercise. This is knitting, you either do it properly, or you don't do it at all.

ROZ

Martin I think you're taking this a little too seriously.

MARTIN

It's a serious business. Some poor sheep is freezing to death out in a field, so that you can make a wonderful garment out of its wool. You can't go wasting it. This wool has to fulfil its destiny.

ROZ

OK, now you're scaring me.

MARTIN

So are you, have some control over your needles; I don't want to loose an eye.

ROZ

How is knitting a sweater going to help my attach Alice's toy heads should I happen to decapitate one of them again?

MARTIN

Slowly, Roz, slowly. Baby steps.

ROZ

And I'm sure Alice will understand that I can't sow her bear's arm on because I'm still learning my needle technique.

MARTIN

How about you just stop maiming them?

ROZ

Once again you're completely missing the point.

MARTIN

Just keep going, I'm going to get a beer.

ROZ

Can I have one please?

MARTIN

You're not ready to mix alcohol with knitting. God knows what you'd do with those needles. I don't need any part of my body pierced. By the time I'm done with you, you'll have so much control over those needles, you'll be able to knit while riding a unicycle.

MARTIN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN LEAVING HIS KNITTING ON HIS CHAIR

ROZ

There's an ambition fulfilled. How does he do this?

ROZ PICKS UP MARTIN'S KNITTING AND LOOKS AT IT. SHE UNFORTUNATELY PULLS ONE OF THE NEEDLES AND CAUSES IT TO UNRAVEL

ROZ (CONT'D)

Oh no.

ROZ DROPS THE KNITTING BACK ON HIS CHAIR, BEFORE STUFFING IT DOWN THE SIDE OF THE CHAIR AND GOES BACK TO CONCENTRATING ON HER OWN KNITTING ACTING AS NOTHING HAPPENED AS MARTIN ENTERS WITH A BEER

MARTIN

What's wrong?

ROZ

Nothing everything is fine. How did you even learn to knit anyway?

MARTIN

It's a mushy story you don't want to hear.

ROZ

Did Hester teach you?

MARTIN

No actually it was a buddy of mine, while we were in a foxhole in Korea. We made gun covers for everyone in the division. It made it a lot more comfortable to sleep on them. Except it made Jimmy Hedren come out in a nasty rash, but that might have been because he accidentally ate his cover one night. He was coughing up hairballs for a week.

ROZ

Now I understand why you don't tell that story.

MARTIN

Where did my knitting go?

ROZ

Oh look at the time off I go.

ROZ JUMPS UP AND HEADS FOR THE FRONT DOOR

MARTIN

Why is it stuffed down the side of my chair?

ROZ

Like you said before, sheep get stuffed down chairs everyday. Well got to go.

ROZ EXITS QUICKLY SHUTTING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM AS MARTIN PULLS HIS KNITTING OUT OF THE SIDE OF HIS CHAIR AND GLARES AT THE FRONT DOOR AS WE:

FADE OUT

(F)

FADE IN:

INT. HOTEL BALLROOM — EVENING — DAY/2
(Frasier, Niles, Brad, Kevin, Daphne, Guests)

FRASIER LEANS UP THE BAR KNOCKING BACK A DRINK AS NILES APPROACHES AND TAPS HIM ON THE SHOULDER. DAPHNE REMAINS SITTING AT THE TABLE WITH HER HAND PROPPING HER HEAD UP

FRASIER

Hello Niles.

NILES

Frasier.

FRASIER

Enjoying the evening?

NILES

Yes. You?

FRASIER

Yes. How is Daphne?

NILES

Fine.

FRASIER

OK enough of the small talk, what have you been telling people about me?

NILES

Nothing, what have you been talking people about me?

FRASIER

Nothing.

NILES

Oh like I'm going to believe that.

FRASIER

I don't care what you believe, you've been rubbing your entry into my face ever since you found out.

NILES

I have not. OK so I have, but that's only because you've been belittling my entry.

FRASIER

Only because it doesn't mean a thing.

NILES

Then why are you here?

FRASIER

I didn't want to seem rude, there are thirty-six people in this room that look up to me.

NILES

But I'm not one of them. Excuse me but I must go and mingle.

FRASIER

Well enjoy yourself, but be careful what you say.

NILES

And what is that supposed to mean?

FRASIER

We wouldn't want them to lower your position should the voters happen to find out that you left you wife after three days to run off with another woman.

NILES

You wouldn't dare.

FRASIER

Oh wouldn't I?

NILES

Forget what it would do to my reputation; think what it would do to Daphne. She's already insecure about this as it is, without you adding fuel to the fire because you are jealous.

FRASIER

I am not jealous.

NILES

Of course you're not. You're not a jealous person are you? Jealously had nothing to do with the fact that you tried to jump off the side of a building over Lilith.

FRASIER

If you tell them that I'll tell them that you were dating a prostitute.

NILES

I didn't know that at the time.

FRASIER

Oh why else would she have been interested in you?

NILES

Why? Because I'm hotter then you, that's why?

FRASIER

Stop rubbing that in my face.

NILES

Then stop being so vindictive.

BRAD SUDDENLY STANDS UP FROM HIS TABLE BEHIND FRASIER AND NILES WITH A SMALL AMOUNT OF SMOKE COMING FROM HIS TROUSERS. KEVIN, WHO WAS SITTING NEXT TO HIM GETS UP AND TRIES TO MOVE AWAY

BRAD

Oh my God, my pants are on fire.

BRAD POURS A GLASS OF WATER OVER HIMSELF TO STOP THE SMOKE

KEVIN

Now you're truly hotter then I am.

BRAD

You did that on purpose.

KEVIN

I did not. You splashed water up me in the men's room.

BRAD

I didn't. Is it my fault that you can't control your bladder problems?

KEVIN

You told everyone I was impotent.

BRAD

Only because you said I had a sex change.

AS THEY CONTINUE TO BICKER WITH THE REST OF THE ROOM WATCHING FRASIER TURNS TO NILES

FRASIER

How about we just leave now and forget all about this magazine article before we turn into them.

NILES

There's never been a truer word spoken.

FRASIER

I'm sorry, I have been jealous and I've been taking it out on you, I apologise.

NILES

It was my fault as well for rubbing it in your face. I guess I've always been jealous of you and this one chance I had be prove that I was better, just went to my head.

FRASIER

Let's just forget it, how about we go and have a meal at Le Cigare vilant?

NILES

That's a nice idea, but since we're here we might as well stay.

DAPHNE NOW LOOKING QUITE DRUNK TRIES TO CLIMB UP ON THE TABLE

FRASIER

You may want to change your mind.

NILES

Why?

FRASIER

Because I didn't need to try to humiliate you. If we don't get Daphne down from off that table she's going to do it for me.

NILES

What?

NILES TURNS AROUND TO SEE DAPHNE

DAPHNE

I'm not his friend, we're engaged.

AS NILES AND FRASIER BOTH RUSH OVER TO DAPHNE TO HELP HER DOWN OFF THE TABLE WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

CLOSING CREDITS: NILES SITS ON THE COUCH STILL IN HIS DINNER JACKET WITH DAPHNE ASLEEP ON THE COUCH WITH HER HEAD ON HIS LAP CLUTCHING THE BROKEN HEEL OF HER SHOE IN HER HAND. NILES SLOWLY AND QUIETLY REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND PRODUCES HIS PLACE CARD FROM DINNER THAT HAS HIS NAME AND HIS NUMBER ON IT. FRASIER SEES WHAT HE HAS AND QUICKLY SNATCHES IT OFF HIM AND PUTS IT IN THE FIRE. NILES THEN ANGRILY GESTURES TOWARDS FRASIER AND HE THEN PRODUCES HIS OWN PLACE CARD FROM HIS POCKET AND THROWS IT ON THE FIRE AS WELL.