I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
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Only a few people will understand this but I have to say it anyway: Boing Boing, Baggies Baggies, Boing Boing, Baggies Baggies
Enjoy...
Alternative Season Nine Episode Ten
Frasier and the Seven Hoods
By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)
ACT ONE(A)
TITLE CARD: "SOON TO BE INSTALLED IN LAS VEGAS"
FADE IN:
INT. GROCERY STORE — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Roz, Frasier, Lisa, Bruce)
ROZ, WEARING A THICK COAT BUTTONED UP AS FAR IS IT WILL GO WITH THE COLLAR TURNED UP, AND FRASIER WALK DOWN A FREEZER ISLE AT THE GROCERY STORE. FRASIER PUSHES A TROLLEY AND LOOKS UP AND DOWN THE CABINETS AS ROZ SLOWLY WALKS BEHIND HIM
ROZ
Will you just hurry up and buy your food for God's sake. I'm freezing to death here. You'd be able to see my breath but my mouth is nearly frozen shut. My teeth have been chattering so much I've knocked one of my fillings out.
FRASIER
Oh it is not that cold.
ROZ
There were people building an igloo in the last isle. And those penguins were not there so you could pick a live one and spit roast it for a gourmet meal, they actually live here. And even they had woolly coats on it's so cold. It comes to something when a penguin gets frostbite.
FRASIER
Oh stop complaining. To keep food frozen it has to be cold at your age you'd think you'd know that. No one made you come here.
ROZ
You made me give you a lift. In order to drive the car I actually have to be in it, I don't have mind control over it. I'm not David Hasselhoff in Knight Rider.
FRASIER
You could have just stayed in the car. No one would have attempted to steal you criminals do have some taste.
ROZ
I'd have suffocated in there by the time you'd finished squeezing your cantaloupes thirty to forty times. If that's not an attempted substitute for a sex life I don't know what is. It went on for so long I felt like I should give you some privacy.
FRASIER
Have you ever heard of cracking a window?
ROZ
Have you ever heard of hypothermia? What is wrong with your car anyway? It was running fine yesterday.
FRASIER
I had to take Eddie to the vets this morning. Evidently he can get a little carsick when he travels in anything other then an American made car.
ROZ
And you bought that?
FRASIER
No but Dad is buying me new car seat covers and driving socks and moccasins to make up for it. Who knew such a tiny dog could make such a mess?
ROZ
What was wrong with him in the first place?
FRASIER
He swallowed an estimated three dollars twenty-four cents in change. He's got so much money inside him, you expect to see lemons and dollar signs roll through his eyes when you pull his tail.
ROZ
Is he going to be OK?
FRASIER
Nothing will ever kill that dog. You could strap him to a nuclear bomb and he'd still crawl back to the apartment to stare at me. If I hadn't seen the x-ray first hand I'd say he ran on batteries. The vet said he'd just pass them out. It gives a whole new meaning to the term spending a penny.
ROZ
That'll be fun trying to get that money back. Are you going to dig through it so you can add to your coin collection?
FRASIER
I'd rather try and remove my own kidney with a spoon.
ROZ
Don't worry I'll remove both your kidney's for you unless you get a move on, before my eyelids freeze shut.
FRASIER
Oh all right fine. I just want to get...
LISA, A FAIRLY SMALL WOMAN DRESSED EXQUISITELY IN ARMANI, AND BRUCE, A LARGE MAN IN AN OVERCOAT, ENTER FROM AROUND THE CORNER PUSHING A TROLLEY AND CRASH INTO FRASIER
LISA
Hey watch it!
FRASIER
I'm so terribly sorry. I do apologise.
BRUCE PULLS FRASIER TO ONE SIDE
BRUCE
Excuse me sir would you mind steeping outside so we can have a little chat.
LISA
No Bruce that's OK, go and wait by the car.
BRUCE RELUCTANTLY EXITS AROUND THE CORNER
LISA (CONT'D)
I could have been a little old lady coming around that corner that could have been knocked to the floor you jerk. All her hairnets and cat food would have gone everywhere.
FRASIER
I'm so sorry.
LISA
Wait a second, aren't you that Dr. Crane off the radio, you know the head shrinker.
FRASIER
Yes I am.
ROZ
Please don't sue him again, I can't cope with his mood swings.
LISA
No I'm a big fan of the show. Lisa Del Piero pleased to meet you. Those poor fruitcakes have no one to turn to except you and the last thing we want is for them to be running around the streets armed with bottles of hallucinating products. Am I right?
FRASIER
Well I wouldn't exactly call them...
LISA
I used to see a shrink myself, who ripped me off completely. How he had a license I don't know, he just couldn't fix me. Needless to say I made sure he no longer was able to practice.
FRASIER
I'm not sure that...
LISA
So are you two married?
ROZ
Dear God no, I'm his producer.
LISA
Producer as in producer of his children? Like an incubator? Isn't there some good money in that?
ROZ
There's a thought that will make me weep at night. I produce his radio show we're not together.
LISA
Oh right. So are you married?
FRASIER
No
LISA
Dating?
FRASIER
Actually no.
LISA
So would you like to have dinner with me? I don't normally hit on every guy that I come across...let me rephrase I don't ask out every guy I come across but what the hell. Nothing ventured nothing gained. Am I right? That's what I say. So what do you say Dr. Crane?
FRASIER
Well I'm not...
LISA
(SLIGHTLY AGITATED) I am giving you the opportunity to buy me dinner, are you going to turn that down?
FRASIER
Of course not.
LISA
Because if you're turning me down, come right out and say it.
FRASIER
Erm...sure I'll have dinner with you.
LISA
Great.
LISA PRODUCES A BUSINESS CARD AND A WALLET FROM HER POCKET
LISA (CONT'D)
Here's my business card. What's this? How did I get some guys wallet? Oh yeah now I remember. So call me.
LISA EXITS BACK AROUND THE CORNER
ROZ
Well she seems a little...what's the polite expression? Oh yes violent. What did you say yes for?
FRASIER
She frightened me.
ROZ
She's going to be a lot more frightening if you try and break it off. She'll serve your stomach up on a platter and that's after Bruce has finished with you.
AS FRASIER POCKETS THE CARD AND ROZ STARTS TO HURRY HIM ALONG WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING —DAY/2
(Niles, Daphne, Martin, Frasier, Roz)
MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR WATCHING THE TELEVISION AS NILES STANDS BY THE ISLAND TALKING ON THE PHONE WITH DAPHNE PERCHED ON THE COUCH LISTENING INTENSELY
NILES
(ON PHONE) OK so we'll be there at four. Should we bring anything? My chequebook and a bank loan application? That's very funny. Oh you weren't joking. Yes I make a good salary. Thank you very much. Goodbye.
NILES HANGS UP THE PHONE
DAPHNE
Are we in?
NILES
Of course we are. We have an appointment tomorrow.
NILES AND DAPHNE HUG BEFORE HE SITS NEXT TO HER ON THE COUCH
MARTIN
What's this for? His and hers tattoo's? I'm begging you Niles get something manly, not a daffodil or a butterfly.
DAPHNE
It's to see a wedding planner.
MARTIN
(RAISING HIS VOICE) Isn't that a waste of money? Paying some pretentious fop to ponce about picking fabric, couldn't you just ask Frasier to do the same thing free of charge?
FRASIER
(OFF STAGE IN KITCHEN) I heard that.
MARTIN
You were meant to, why did you think I raised my voice?
NILES
It's just that there is so much to do and I don't have that much free time which would leave the lion's share to Daphne. We just thought it would alleviate a lot of the stress.
FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH A TRAY OF COFFEE
DAPHNE
Plus if we're going to have some nosy old fusspot interfering and taking over our wedding we'd rather have someone with taste doing it then me mother who'd insist on having the St. George's flag everywhere and I refuse to have one converted into a wedding dress. I constantly have dreams about telling her to butt out once and for all and then trying to shove the entire wedding cake down her throat in one easy movement.
NILES
That's the night you tried to smother me with your pillow.
DAPHNE
Oh I was not trying to smother you with it. I was trying to make you eat it.
NILES
And that makes it better?
FRASIER
So who have you hired?
NILES
Anthony Sugden. He's an absolute perfectionist.
FRASIER
Isn't he the guy who brought in swans for the Dubont wedding and then glued their feet to the ground because they kept wondering off and attacking the guests during the service? Mrs. Croft lost her good eye.
NILES
Yes, as I said he's a perfectionist. That swan trick worked as well until they started to peck the glue off their feet that just happened to be slightly toxic. The wedding photos had dead birds festooned everywhere.
MARTIN
In that case, I don't want Eddie as ring bearer if that guy is going to be there. I don't want him glued to anything.
DAPHNE
(SARCASTIC) Oh damn all the luck.
NILES
You look awfully smart tonight. Off on a date?
FRASIER
(MISERABLE) Yes.
DAPHNE
Well don't sound too happy about it will you. Anyone would think you were about to be forced to wrestle with an extremely angry lion. Me brother's always used to get into trouble when they went to the zoo. We stopped taking them to the hospital in the end because they were just bringing it on themselves. Michael's never been able to walk properly since.
MARTIN AND FRASIER LOOK HORRIFIED AT DAPHNE WHILE NILES JUST SMILES AT HER
MARTIN
What's the matter? Let me guess she'll be prettier after the surgery?
FRASIER
When have I ever been that shallow? She's lovely I'm just a little frightened of her okay.
NILES
You're what?
FRASIER
She's a little scary.
DAPHNE
Then why are you going out with her?
FRASIER
I was afraid of what she'd do to me if I said no. We were in the freezer section of the grocery store, I had no wish to be squeezed in next to the ice cream.
MARTIN
For God sake Frasier, are you a man or a mouse?
FRASIER
She had a large man in a trench coat with her. If I hadn't have said yes he might have forced my lips to say yes but I fear at the time they wouldn't be attached to my face.
NILES
What does she do?
FRASIER
Something to do with boats I believe, her business address was a wharf.
MARTIN
The ideal girl to go out with. A woman you're scared of that may invite you to go out alone on a boat with her. Have you never seen Dead Calm?
FRASIER
I did phone to cancel but...well...you know.
DAPHNE
But what? Some groundhog started to bite your ankles and distracted you?
FRASIER
She yelled at me.
THE TELEVISION SUDDENLY SWITCHES OFF
MARTIN
(SHOUTS) Oh my God!
FRASIER
Yes I know I'm pathetic but so would you be if not a week went by as a child when you weren't forced to cram your gym shorts into your mouth while you danced around with a jock strap on your head.
MARTIN
No the television.
MARTIN STARTS FRANTICALLY PRESSING BUTTONS ON THE REMOTE
DAPHNE
What's wrong with it?
MARTIN
It's just gone off! Oh my God!
FRASIER PUSHES THE POWER BUTTON ON THE SET CAUSING A WAFT OF SMOKE TO APPEAR FROM THE BACK OF IT
FRASIER
I don't think that made it any better.
MARTIN
Oh my baby.
MARTIN WALKS OVER TO IT TO HAVE A CLOSER LOOK BEFORE DROPPING TO HIS KNEES WITH GREAT DIFFICULTY
NILES
Are you surprised it's finally died? Running nearly twenty-four hours a day for eight and a half years was going to take its toll eventually. You're lucky it's lasted this long without a stroke.
SFX: DOORBELL
FRASIER ANSWERS THE DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS
FRASIER
Oh hi Roz.
ROZ
Hi Frasier, I just wanted...what is Martin doing to the television? You've not just started paying for the adult channel have you?
FRASIER
It appears that the television has just expired.
MARTIN
(SCREAMS) Oh my God!
FRASIER
He's taking it rather well, don't you think?
MARTIN
It's so unfair. You always think you'll go before your children. It's the natural order to things.
DAPHNE
Dear God, I'm not making you a black armband.
NILES
I think just a minutes silence would be sufficient.
ROZ
Are you all ready for your date?
FRASIER
As ready as I'll ever be.
ROZ
Have you got a puppy ready just in case there's nothing on the menu that she wants to eat?
FRASIER
You're not making this any easier.
ROZ
I shall be expecting all the details, if you're still alive before I go to the party tomorrow.
DAPHNE
Party?
ROZ
Yeah I'm taking Alice to a chicken pox party.
NILES
I just don't get invited to enough of those. Those wonderful Ebola virus parties have always been my favourite. If I'm not coughing up blood with my organs melting by the end of them then it's not a party.
FRASIER
You're taking Alice to a party to be around a bunch of disease-ridden children? Couldn't you have just poked her eyes out instead?
ROZ
It's not the plague Frasier. Loads of mother's do it. She's going to catch it sooner or later, and she might as well get it over and done with now. Surely you and Lilith must have taken Freddie to one.
FRASIER
Lilith had practically every disease bottled up in her lab. If she wanted to give anyone anything she could do it at a drop of a hat. Why do you think I'm such a light sleeper, I was always in fear of having a needle stuck in my rear end.
NILES
Just when you thought Lilith couldn't get anymore warm and cuddlier you add a disease and a needle to the mix.
MARTIN
(RE: TELEVISION) It's so cruel.
ROZ
It is not, the older you get the worse it gets.
MARTIN
Tell me about it. I never thought this would hurt so much.
AS DAPHNE TRIES TO PRY MARTIN OFF THE TELEVISION SCREEN WE:
FADE OUT
(C)
FADE IN:
INT. RESTAURANT — EVENING — DAY/2
(Frasier, Maitre d', Lisa, Man, Owner, Waiter, Diner)
FRASIER AND LISA ENTER A VERY EXCLUSIVE LOOKING RESTAURANT. IT LOOKS COMPLETELY FULL AS THE MAITRE D' STANDS BY THE ENTRANCE
FRASIER
I hope you like this place. Rumour has it the lobster comfit is divine.
MAITRE D'
Miss Del Piero, what a surprise this is. A table for two is it or is your father going to be joining you?
LISA
Not this evening, he's working on a little debt reclaim problem. Do you have a table for us?
MAITRE D'
Actually no. (THEN) But not for long.
THE MAITRE D' WALKS TO THE NEAREST TABLE AND LIFTS UP THE CHAIR THAT THE MAN EATING THERE IS SEATED ON CAUSING HIM TO STAND UP. THE MAITRE D' THEN ESCORTS HIM TO THE ENTRANCE AS THE WAITER CLEARS THE TABLE
MAITRE D'
Thank you very much, please call again.
MAN
I haven't finished with that.
MAITRE D'
What do you think doggie bags were invented for? Now out you go please call again.
THE MAITRE D' PUSHES THE MAN OUT THE DOOR AND THEN RETURNS TO THE TABLE AND PULLS A CHAIR OUT FOR LISA
MAITRE D'
Here you go Miss Del Piero, enjoy your dinner. And for your continued patronage and assistance a bottle of our finest champagne free of charge.
THE MAITRE D' WALKS OVER TO THE BAR
FRASIER
You certainly do get wonderful service here.
LISA
We have a certain business arrangement that Mr. Minetti would like to see continued.
FRASIER
What sort of business are you involved in?
LISA LOOKS AROUND AND SEES THE OWNER SITTING AT A NEAR BY TABLE
LISA
A little bit of this, a little bit of that. Will you excuse me for a moment?
FRASIER
Of course.
LISA GETS UP AND MOVES TOWARDS THE OWNERS TABLE TAPPING HIM ON THE SHOULDER
OWNER
Oh Miss. Del Piero, your father isn't here is he?
LISA
Fortunately for you no, but unfortunately for you I am.
THE WAITER APPROACHES FRASIER AND STARTS TO POUR HIM A GLASS OF WATER BUT GETS DISTRACTED AND ACCIDENTALLY POURS IT OVER FRASIER'S LAP
WAITER
Oh my God. I am so sorry. Here let me help you.
THE WAITER TRIES TO MOP UP THE MESS WITH A NAPKIN
FRASIER
I'm fine really.
WAITER
Please let me pay to have them dry cleaned. In fact no let me buy you a new suit.
FRASIER
Honestly I'm fine.
WAITER
Please just don't tell Miss. Del Piero what I did.
THE WAITER QUICKLY RUSHES AWAY. FRASIER ALARMED BY EVERYONE'S REACTION GETS UP FROM THE TABLE AND TRIES TO SNEAK OUT AS LISA COMES BACK TO THE TABLE
LISA
Where do you think you're going?
FRASIER
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
FRASIER RUSHES AND SITS BACK DOWN AS THE WAITER ALSO RETURNS FRIGHTENED
LISA
What are you sorry for? I was talking to the waiter. Sit down and relax will you.
FRASIER
Of course I apologise for being so tense.
THE MAITRE D' APPROACHES LISA WITH A LARGE BROWN ENVELOPE
MAITRE D'
Miss Del Piero here is our new menu to meet with your approval for you to take home.
LISA
Can't you see I'm on a date here? I don't want to talk business when I'm on a date.
MAITRE D'
I know and I appreciate that but after I was late last month I didn't want to make the same mistake twice.
LISA
Bruce! Get over here. I'll be right back Frasier.
BRUCE ENTERS FROM OUTSIDE AND HE AND LISA ESCORT THE MAITRE D' INTO THE KITCHEN AND EXIT. A DINER THEN APPROACHES FRASIER FROM A NEARBY TABLE AS HE NERVOUSLY BITES ON A BREADSTICK
DINER
Dr. Crane you know Lisa Del Piero?
FRASIER
Actually we only met yesterday. We're kind of on a date.
DINER
I'm in the used car business myself and I'm willing to offer any friend of the Del Piero's a fantastic deal.
FRASIER
That's very kind of you, but I'm not in the market for a car.
DINER
Oh please you've got to help me. Don't buy a car, I'll give you one for free. You don't even need to drive it, just let Lisa know that I did you a favour.
A LOUD SCREAM IS HEARD FROM THE KITCHEN
DINER
Oh I've got to go.
THE DINER SITS BACK DOWN AND LISA ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AND SITS BACK DOWN
LISA
I'm sorry about that. So how are you today?
FRASIER
Suddenly I've developed a rather queasy stomach.
AS FRASIER RATHER RELUCTANTLY LOOKS AT HIS MENU WE:
FADE OUT
(D)
FADE IN:
INT. PLANNERS OFFICE — AFTERNOON — DAY/3
(Anthony, Niles, Daphne, Ramona)
NILES AND DAPHNE SIT ON A THREE SEATER COUCH IN AN EXQUISITELY DECORATED OFFICE THAT HAS SEVERAL DRAWINGS AND BROCHURES SCATTERED AROUND. ANTHONY, AS EXQUISITELY DRESSED AS HIS OFFICE, ENTERS AND GOES TO SHAKE HANDS
ANTHONY
And you must be the future Dr. and Mrs. Crane. Good afternoon I'm Anthony Sugden.
DAPHNE
Afternoon.
NILES
It's a pleasure to meet you.
ANTHONY
OK first things first give your bank details to Ramona here before you waste any of my time.
RAMONA ENTERS AND TAKES SOME PAPER WORK OFF NILES BEFORE EXITING
NILES
I assure you I have the necessary funds to cover this.
ANTHONY
That's what the Count and Countess of Wessex thought. I told them I don't care who your mother is. If you don't have the funds get out of my sight. So while that's being done tell me how far you have got so far.
NILES
The venues for the ceremony and the reception are booked so...
ANTHONY SITS NEXT TO DAPHNE EXTREMELY CLOSE
ANTHONY
That is a mere side note. What is most important is making this beautiful woman look even more beautiful on her special day if that's at all possible.
DAPHNE
Oh go on, you're making me blush.
ANTHONY TAKES HOLD OF DAPHNE'S HAND
ANTHONY
If I can make that Magashank woman look vaguely attractive to anyone other then a drunk sex starved prisoner, just think what I can do with you. Have you found a dress you like?
DAPHNE
Well actually...
ANTHONY
Nope I won't let you do it. Only something that has been designed especially for you, will do you justice. You must let me design it.
NILES
Will you have time for that?
ANTHONY
Oh are you still here? Oh course I'll have time for it. Traditionally it's expected to make the bridesmaids look as hideous as possible so that they don't outshine the bride, but unless they descended from the same cloud in heaven as you did, I don't think that's necessary.
DAPHNE
I bet you say that to everyone.
ANTHONY
Never. Only to someone with the face of an angel and parole officers to close friends and family.
NILES
So what are you thinking for the bridesmaid dresses? Do you want to design those yourself as well?
ANTHONY
Dear God! Nag, nag, nag. Can't you see we're talking here? Why don't you go and look at napkin rings with Ramona. Ramona!
RAMONA ENTERS AND TAKES NILES BY THE ARM LIFTING HIM FROM HIS SEAT
NILES
Shouldn't I be here for...
ANTHONY
Ramona, take Crane here to the East suite to look through some samples.
AS RAMONA ESCORTS NILES FROM THE ROOM AND ANTHONY TURNS HIS ATTENTION BACK TO DAPHNE WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO(E)
TITLE CARD: "IT'S THE LATEST CRAZE FROM THE MAKERS OF PET CEMETERIES"
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/3
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne, Lisa, Roz)
MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR STARRING AT THE EMPTY SPACE IN THE CREDENZA WHERE THE TELEVISION ONCE STOOD AS FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM AND STARES AT HIM SHAKING HIS HEAD
FRASIER
Dad will you stop it. It's not there anymore. There's no need to just stare at the empty space like that. It won't bring it back.
MARTIN
I just miss it so much OK. Is that a crime?
FRASIER
When it's a television set instead of a small child or an arm yes.
MARTIN
I wonder if the repair guy has found the problem yet.
FRASIER
Will you let it go? I took the television down there, I got him to tell me when he'd look at it, I even got him to promise to phone when he knew what the diagnosis was and you're still not happy.
MARTIN
There's just an empty void that I'm struggling to fill.
FRASIER HANDS MARTIN THE STEREO REMOTE CONTROL
FRASIER
Does that make it any better? You can press the buttons.
MARTIN
It's a little better. So how was your date, you never did say?
FRASIER
Dad can I tell you something?
MARTIN
Sure, you can tell me anything.
FRASIER
You've got to promise not to laugh.
MARTIN
Oh geez, what have you done now?
FRASIER
Nothing. Just promise me you won't laugh.
MARTIN
Okay fine I won't laugh.
FRASIER
It's about Lisa, I think she might be involved in some sort of organised crime racket.
MARTIN BEGINS TO LAUGH HYSTERICALLY
FRASIER (CONT'D)
You said you wouldn't laugh.
MARTIN
Oh come on Fras it is a little far fetched.
FRASIER
Oh is it? Let's look at the evidence. There was that guy at the grocery store with her.
MARTIN
Maybe he was her brother.
FRASIER
I'm not as up on genetics as I should be but I find it hard to believe that one of the whitest white woman I've ever come across apart from Maris and Lilith and a seven foot African American can be brother and sister. At the restaurant the Maitre d' practically threw another couple out to give us the table.
MARTIN
Don't they do that for you at Chez Henry?
FRASIER
Well yes but we do wait while they finish chewing. They were constantly asking about her father, giving her packages and the waiter seemed positively terrified of her. It can only point to one thing, she's in the mob.
MARTIN
And you think I'm screwy for mourning a television set.
FRASIER
It's an inanimate object.
MARTIN
To you maybe.
NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. NILES IMMEDIATELY SLUMPS DOWN ON THE COUCH AS DAPHNE JUST STANDS AND STARES AT HIM SIGHING
NILES
Hello.
DAPHNE
Oh will you stop pouting. You're going to trip over that bottom lip soon, or get it caught in a sewer drain next time you go out. And as much as I love you, I don't want to spend the rest of my life bringing you soup outside because you're trapped.
FRASIER
What's the matter?
DAPHNE
He has a small problem with the wedding planner.
MARTIN
What was the matter with him? He didn't try to use glue on you did he?
NILES
He was all over Daphne like some sort of highly contagious skin rash. I'm surprised you were able to pry him off you so we could leave.
DAPHNE
He was just being friendly.
NILES
Clinging to someone like a spider monkey covered in some super strength Velcro is not being friendly.
DAPHNE
Then why didn't you say something to him?
NILES
He shipped me off into another room for hours. There are only so many napkin holders you can look at then when I tried to leave and see how you were doing the door was locked and Ramona refused to give me the key.
MARTIN
Couldn't you have just taken the key off her?
NILES
She was a big woman Dad.
DAPHNE
Yeah pigmy big.
MARTIN
But he's a male wedding planner, isn't he gay?
NILES
Well if he is, he seems to have forgotten. So what happened when I was pushed out of the scene?
DAPHNE
We just talked about the wedding.
DAPHNE GOES TO EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN CAUSING NILES TO GET UP AND FOLLOW HER
NILES
What ours or yours and Anthony's?
DAPHNE
Oh my God, this is going to be a long conversation.
DAPHNE AND NILES EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN
SFX: DOORBELL
FRASIER
That'll be Roz, she wanted to know how my date went.
FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND LISA AND BRUCE ENTER
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Lisa! Hello, what are you doing here?
LISA
You have some problem with me coming here?
FRASIER
No, no, no of course not.
LISA
Bruce wait outside.
BRUCE EXITS SHUTTING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM
FRASIER
Lisa may I introduce you to my father Martin Crane. Dad this is Lisa Del Piero.
LISA
It's nice to meet you.
MARTIN
The pleasure is all mine.
THEY SHAKE HANDS
SFX: LISA'S CELL PHONE
LISA
Oh excuse me.
LISA ANSWERS HER PHONE AND MOVES TOWARDS THE WINDOW
FRASIER
See.
MARTIN
So what? She has a cell phone and a bodyguard.
NILES EXITS FROM THE KITCHEN
MARTIN (CONT'D)
So does most of Hollywood and they can't all be in the mob.
NILES
Who's in the mob?
FRASIER
Ssshhh! Get back in the kitchen. Weren't you being jealous and over protective about Daphne?
NILES EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN
LISA
(ON THE PHONE) I can't talk about that now. Have you never heard the expression the walls have ears. Just drop off the thing will you. And while you're out go around to Ferrea's and make sure he gets the message about not being late with his payment again. Bye.
LISA HANGS UP HER PHONE AND MOVES BACK OVER TO FRASIER
LISA (CONT'D)
Sorry about that.
FRASIER
That's fine. You certainly seem to be in demand at the office. What is it that you do again?
LISA
Do I badger you twenty-four hours a day about work?
FRASIER
Of course not.
SFX: DOORBELL
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Excuse me.
FRASIER CROSSES TO ANSWER THE DOOR
MARTIN
You seem to have a little blood on your shoe.
LISA
No I haven't that's the pattern.
MARTIN
Then they're very pretty.
FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND ROZ AND ALICE ENTER
FRASIER
Roz, Alice how nice to see you.
FRASIER HUGS ROZ AND WHISPERS INTO HER EAR
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Don't say a word she's here.
FRASIER BREAKS THE HUG AND LEADS ROZ OVER TO LISA
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Roz you remember Lisa from the grocery store.
ROZ
Hello again.
LISA
Hello...
SFX: LISA'S CELL PHONE
LISA (CONT'D)
Oh crap. Excuse me. (ON PHONE) What do you want now? Don't make me come down there.
LISA MOVES BACK TOWARDS THE WINDOW
ROZ
As happy as the first time I saw her I see. So how's it going?
MARTIN
Well it's one day at a time, I'm expecting the repair guy to phone us any time now.
ROZ
I meant with Frasier and Lisa.
MARTIN
Trust me you don't even want to go there.
NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN
DAPHNE
Are we all sorted now? Am I going to see a smile? Show me your smile.
FRASIER
Freud would have a field day right there.
LISA HANGS UP HER PHONE UNKNOWN TO FRASIER AND BECOMES INCREASINGLY INTERESTED IN THE CONVERSATION
ROZ
What's the matter?
NILES
The wedding planner was hitting on Daphne.
DAPHNE
He wasn't. You can tell how many people have hit on you in your lifetime if you think that was flirting.
NILES
He was one step away from lighting you both a cigarette.
LISA
Are you having a problem with this guy?
FRASIER
(PANICKING) Oh no, no it'll be fine, he's just being a child.
NILES
I most certainly am not.
LISA
Do you want me to have a little chat with him?
FRASIER
No, no honestly it's fine.
LISA
What's his name?
FRASIER
Really the less said the better.
NILES
Anthony Sugden.
LISA
OK problem over, I'll get right on it tomorrow. But right now I have to go, a small problem at work. Nice meeting you all. Bye Frasier.
LISA EXITS OUT THE FRONT DOOR
FRASIER
Are you insane?
NILES
Am I insane? You're the one flapping around like a penguin trying in vain to fly.
FRASIER
She's in the mob. You're wedding planner is going to find a horse head in his bed!
DAPHNE
Don't be ridiculous.
MARTIN
It does look a little strange but I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for it.
FRASIER
Like what? She's staying in character to appear in the Godfather Part 4? What planet are you from? If I try and break up with her now at the very least I'm going to be kneecapped and forced to try to swallow my own arm. Did you not read that story where that guy was beaten to death with his own arm and then the murderer put it in a blender to make pate and served it to his family at the wake? That's going to be me. You're going to be eating me if I try to break up with her.
ROZ
Then I'm sure you'll have a lovely wedding, a happy life together and you'll eat lots of pasta. Come on Alice let's go and get the pox.
ROZ AND ALICE EXIT
FRASIER
Will anyone pay attention to my legitimate fears? Please?
NILES AND DAPHNE LOOK AT EACH OTHER BEFORE EXITING TO DAPHNE'S ROOM
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Thank you both very much.
SFX: TELEPHONE
MARTIN IMMEDIATELY LEAPS UP AND ANSWERS THE PHONE
MARTIN
(ON PHONE) Hello? How's it doing? Do you know what the problem is? I see. OK. Thank you.
MARTIN HANGS UP THE PHONE AND SLUMPS BACK DOWN IN HIS CHAIR
FRASIER
And?
MARTIN
You need to buy a large window box so I've got somewhere to bury it.
FRASIER
And you're likely to find me buried next to it.
AS FRASIER LIES DOWN ON THE COUCH WE:
FADE OUT
(F)
FADE IN:
INT. PLANNERS OFFICE — AFTERNOON — DAY/4
(Niles, Daphne, Anthony, Ramona)
NILES AND DAPHNE SIT AS BEFORE BUT WITH NILES LOOKING EXTREMELY MISERABLE AT BEING THERE
NILES
Can't we just do this on our own?
DAPHNE
You said this way would alleviate the stress.
NILES
But instead it's giving me a haemorrhage. If he touches you once I may not be held responsible for my actions.
DAPHNE
If you behave yourself during this, you can touch me all you want tonight.
NILES
Is that a threat or a promise?
DAPHNE
Just behave yourself, the last thing I need is you creating a scene like you did in the dog park.
NILES
There was a bee.
DAPHNE
Then it had the most cunning disguise as a leaf I've ever seen.
NILES
It was on the leaf.
DAPHNE
You mean snow boarding?
NILES
Are you going to make fun of my all day?
DAPHNE
That was my intention yes.
ANTHONY ENTERS INTO THE OFFICE LOOKING EXTREMELY NERVOUS AND SWEATING A LOT. HE SITS BEHIND THE DESK AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE FROM BOTH OF THEM
ANTHONY
Ah Dr. Crane, Miss. Moon it's nice to see you again. Can I get you anything? A cup of coffee, champagne a week in Hawaii?
DAPHNE
I'm fine thank you.
NILES
Can I have a coffee?
ANTHONY
(SHOUTS) Ramona get Dr. Crane a coffee please. Now where were we?
DAPHNE STARTS TO LOOK THROUGH HER PURSE
DAPHNE
I was looking through...
ANTHONY
(TERRIFIED) What are you getting from your purse? Please don't hurt me!
DAPHNE
It's a photo of a table dressing.
ANTHONY
Of course. I'm sorry. Is it warm enough for you in here?
DAPHNE
Yes it's fine.
ANTHONY
How about you Dr. Crane?
NILES
I'm fine, can we get back to the matter at hand?
ANTHONY
Of course, of course I apologise from the bottom of my heart for wasting your valuable time. In fact I insist on giving you a discount. Miss. Moon your dress is going to be made free of charge in fact no, I'll pay you to wear one of my designs.
DAPHNE
Is everything okay?
ANTHONY
Yes everything is fine.
SFX: NILES' CELL PHONE
ANTHONY (CONT'D)
Ahhhhh.
NILES
I'm sorry I'll switch it off.
ANTHONY GETS UP AND STARTS TO LEAD NILES AND DAPHNE TO THE DOOR
ANTHONY
No. I'm a little on edge. Maybe it would be best if you left. I don't want to waste anymore of your time. Not that I'm throwing you out, don't tell anyone that. We can rearrange for next week. Bye.
AS NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT ANTHONY COLLAPSES ON THE COUCH IN A HEAP AND WE:
FADE OUT
(G)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/4
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne, Roz)
MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR WATCHING FRASIER AS HE PACES ABOUT THE ROOM TRYING TO FINALISE A SPEECH
FRASIER
You see Lisa as much as I like you and want to spend time with you I think it's time I told you the truth. I respect you too much to lie to you. You see the problem is I was involved in an horrific lawn mowing accident as a child that has left me severely disabled. Yes that's right I think you know what I'm talking about. I couldn't continue our relationship without you knowing. I understand if you want to end it. So what do you think?
MARTIN
I think you need a lobotomy and I'm just being polite.
NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR
NILES
What did your nutty girlfriend say to our wedding planner?
FRASIER
What do you mean?
DAPHNE
He was terrified of us. He was one step away from crawling under the table and calling for his mommy.
MARTIN
I thought that's what you wanted.
NILES
I wanted him to stop being a letch not traumatise him for life.
FRASIER
You see this just confirms it.
DAPHNE
Confirms what?
FRASIER
That Lisa is in the mob.
NILES
Don't be ridiculous.
FRASIER
How else could she have scared that guy so much?
DAPHNE
You do have a point there.
MARTIN
Don't tell me you two are going as screwy as Frasier.
DAPHNE
You're the man sleeping with the carcass of a deceased television in his bedroom and with the remote permanently stuck in his hand.
MARTIN
I don't want it to think that I never loved it.
NILES
It's an inanimate object. What part of that don't you understand?
SFX: DOORBELL
FRASIER ANSWERS THE DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS COVERED IN RED BLOTCHES
FRASIER
Oh hello Roz. What happened to you?
ROZ
What does it look like? I've caught the pox.
NILES
Small pox?
ROZ
Chicken pox wiseass.
FRASIER
How did you catch that?
DAPHNE
I might be taking a stab in the dark here but I'd say it was that chicken pox party she went to the other day but then it's easy for me I'm psychic.
FRASIER
Did Alice get it as well?
ROZ
No, she doesn't have a spot on her and yet I'm covered from head to toe. Like it wasn't hard enough getting a date without being covered in lots of red pussy spots.
NILES
I think I'll pass on dinner if it's all the same to you.
DAPHNE
I was thinking the same thing.
MARTIN
You must have known you'd catch it if you hadn't had it.
ROZ
I didn't know I hadn't had it.
FRASIER
Oh one of those pesky family secrets that are supposed to be taken to the grave.
ROZ
Hopefully now Alice will catch it off me.
FRASIER
Did it occur to you to call ahead of time to check if any of us hadn't caught it?
ROZ
Actually no.
FRASIER
Had it.
NILES
Had it.
MARTIN
You've had every disease going. You've even had some weird ones named after you. I've had it.
DAPHNE
(SUDDENLY REALISING) Oh great.
FRASIER
You don't need to be psychic to see this one coming.
AS DAPHNE SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH IN RESIGNATION AND NILES BACKS AWAY FROM ROZ WE:
FADE OUT
(H)
FADE IN:
INT. DOCKLAND WAREHOUSE — MORNING — DAY/5
(Frasier, Lisa)
FRASIER WAITS OUTSIDE AN OFFICE INSIDE A LARGE WAREHOUSE THAT LOOKS RELATIVELY EMPTY. LISA ENTERS FROM THE OFFICE BUT DOESN'T NOTICE FRASIER
FRASIER
Excuse me Lisa.
LISA
Frasier what are you doing here? I'm working you shouldn't be here.
FRASIER
I had to come down here to see you, no matter how much I fear this conversation.
LISA
What is it? You've got some sort of disease haven't you?
FRASIER
No, no it's nothing like that. I can't see you anymore.
LISA
Why not? Was it something I said? Something I did?
FRASIER
Yes both of those. And it's your occupation.
LISA
You've found out what I do for a living?
FRASIER
Yes I have and despite the consequences that might befall on me for telling you this, I'm afraid it's over.
LISA
This always happens, every guy always goes running when they find out what I do. Like there's something wrong with being a fishmonger.
FRASIER
Yes well I know but...a fishmonger? Is there anyway that is a coy euphemism for something else?
LISA
What are you talking about? I sell fish. I have a warehouse at the wharf that I work from.
FRASIER
I thought you were in the mob.
LISA
(SHOCKED) You what?
FRASIER
But what about all that talk of your father at dinner?
LISA
He started the business, we supply fish to nearly all the city. That Maitre d' was giving me an advance payment on a some particularly fine salmon before I sold it to anyone else.
FRASIER
That car salesman tried to give me a car because I knew you.
LISA
He's trying to make a good impression on my Dad, he's been trying to get me to marry him for years.
FRASIER
The blood on your shoe?
LISA
I gut fish. You're lucky I didn't have an eye and a few tails on my shoes. Which is why I don't tell people what I do because it grosses them out.
FRASIER
But what about the wedding planner, he was scared to death.
LISA
I threatened to hike up my prices for his catering if he didn't cut it out. You seem to underestimate the power and influence a truck full of swordfish has.
FRASIER
I see. I seem to have made a humongous error. Is there any chance that you'll forget that I've called you a crook and give me another chance?
LISA
There's more chance of this fish suddenly springing to life and doing a dance.
FRASIER
So there's still a chance? (THEN) One more thing, the bodyguard?
LISA
A gigantic pain in the ass. It's my Dad's idea I was mugged last month.
FRASIER
And suddenly the wrong end of the stick that I've grabbed hold of and beaten myself around the head with gets bigger and bigger.
AS FRASIER WALKS AWAY FEELING EXTREMELY EMBARRASSED WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWOCLOSING CREDITS: ROZ IS LYING ON FRASIER'S COUCH COVERED WITH A BLANKET AS NILES ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. THE IMMEDIATELY GETS HIS HANDKERCHIEF FROM HIS POCKET AND COVERS HIS MOUTH WHILE WALKING PRESSED UP AGAINST THE FIREPLACE SO TO STAY AS FAR AWAY FROM ROZ AS POSSIBLE. HE HANGS HIS COAT UP AND WAVES TO ROZ STILL WITH HIS HANDKERCHIEF TO HIS MOUTH. DAPHNE THEN COMES UP BEHIND HIM COVERED IN THE SAME BLOTCHES ROZ IS AND HUGS HIM. NILES SEES HER PULLS A SQUEAMISH FACE BUT DOESN'T BREAK THE HUG
