I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.

If I'm sent any feedback I might die of shock but nevertheless it is greatly appreciated so please send any comments, recipes, dog vet bills, poems written by gophers and transcripts from Barney to Kelly_simba@hotmail.com

Only a few people will understand this but I have to say it anyway: Boing Boing, Baggies Baggies, Boing Boing, Baggies Baggies

Enjoy...


Frasier
Alternative Season Nine Episode Ten
Frasier and the Seven Hoods

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

TITLE CARD: "SOON TO BE INSTALLED IN LAS VEGAS"

FADE IN:

INT. GROCERY STORE — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Roz, Frasier, Lisa, Bruce)

ROZ, WEARING A THICK COAT BUTTONED UP AS FAR IS IT WILL GO WITH THE COLLAR TURNED UP, AND FRASIER WALK DOWN A FREEZER ISLE AT THE GROCERY STORE. FRASIER PUSHES A TROLLEY AND LOOKS UP AND DOWN THE CABINETS AS ROZ SLOWLY WALKS BEHIND HIM

ROZ

Will you just hurry up and buy your food for God's sake. I'm freezing to death here. You'd be able to see my breath but my mouth is nearly frozen shut. My teeth have been chattering so much I've knocked one of my fillings out.

FRASIER

Oh it is not that cold.

ROZ

There were people building an igloo in the last isle. And those penguins were not there so you could pick a live one and spit roast it for a gourmet meal, they actually live here. And even they had woolly coats on it's so cold. It comes to something when a penguin gets frostbite.

FRASIER

Oh stop complaining. To keep food frozen it has to be cold at your age you'd think you'd know that. No one made you come here.

ROZ

You made me give you a lift. In order to drive the car I actually have to be in it, I don't have mind control over it. I'm not David Hasselhoff in Knight Rider.

FRASIER

You could have just stayed in the car. No one would have attempted to steal you criminals do have some taste.

ROZ

I'd have suffocated in there by the time you'd finished squeezing your cantaloupes thirty to forty times. If that's not an attempted substitute for a sex life I don't know what is. It went on for so long I felt like I should give you some privacy.

FRASIER

Have you ever heard of cracking a window?

ROZ

Have you ever heard of hypothermia? What is wrong with your car anyway? It was running fine yesterday.

FRASIER

I had to take Eddie to the vets this morning. Evidently he can get a little carsick when he travels in anything other then an American made car.

ROZ

And you bought that?

FRASIER

No but Dad is buying me new car seat covers and driving socks and moccasins to make up for it. Who knew such a tiny dog could make such a mess?

ROZ

What was wrong with him in the first place?

FRASIER

He swallowed an estimated three dollars twenty-four cents in change. He's got so much money inside him, you expect to see lemons and dollar signs roll through his eyes when you pull his tail.

ROZ

Is he going to be OK?

FRASIER

Nothing will ever kill that dog. You could strap him to a nuclear bomb and he'd still crawl back to the apartment to stare at me. If I hadn't seen the x-ray first hand I'd say he ran on batteries. The vet said he'd just pass them out. It gives a whole new meaning to the term spending a penny.

ROZ

That'll be fun trying to get that money back. Are you going to dig through it so you can add to your coin collection?

FRASIER

I'd rather try and remove my own kidney with a spoon.

ROZ

Don't worry I'll remove both your kidney's for you unless you get a move on, before my eyelids freeze shut.

FRASIER

Oh all right fine. I just want to get...

LISA, A FAIRLY SMALL WOMAN DRESSED EXQUISITELY IN ARMANI, AND BRUCE, A LARGE MAN IN AN OVERCOAT, ENTER FROM AROUND THE CORNER PUSHING A TROLLEY AND CRASH INTO FRASIER

LISA

Hey watch it!

FRASIER

I'm so terribly sorry. I do apologise.

BRUCE PULLS FRASIER TO ONE SIDE

BRUCE

Excuse me sir would you mind steeping outside so we can have a little chat.

LISA

No Bruce that's OK, go and wait by the car.

BRUCE RELUCTANTLY EXITS AROUND THE CORNER

LISA (CONT'D)

I could have been a little old lady coming around that corner that could have been knocked to the floor you jerk. All her hairnets and cat food would have gone everywhere.

FRASIER

I'm so sorry.

LISA

Wait a second, aren't you that Dr. Crane off the radio, you know the head shrinker.

FRASIER

Yes I am.

ROZ

Please don't sue him again, I can't cope with his mood swings.

LISA

No I'm a big fan of the show. Lisa Del Piero pleased to meet you. Those poor fruitcakes have no one to turn to except you and the last thing we want is for them to be running around the streets armed with bottles of hallucinating products. Am I right?

FRASIER

Well I wouldn't exactly call them...

LISA

I used to see a shrink myself, who ripped me off completely. How he had a license I don't know, he just couldn't fix me. Needless to say I made sure he no longer was able to practice.

FRASIER

I'm not sure that...

LISA

So are you two married?

ROZ

Dear God no, I'm his producer.

LISA

Producer as in producer of his children? Like an incubator? Isn't there some good money in that?

ROZ

There's a thought that will make me weep at night. I produce his radio show we're not together.

LISA

Oh right. So are you married?

FRASIER

No

LISA

Dating?

FRASIER

Actually no.

LISA

So would you like to have dinner with me? I don't normally hit on every guy that I come across...let me rephrase I don't ask out every guy I come across but what the hell. Nothing ventured nothing gained. Am I right? That's what I say. So what do you say Dr. Crane?

FRASIER

Well I'm not...

LISA

(SLIGHTLY AGITATED) I am giving you the opportunity to buy me dinner, are you going to turn that down?

FRASIER

Of course not.

LISA

Because if you're turning me down, come right out and say it.

FRASIER

Erm...sure I'll have dinner with you.

LISA

Great.

LISA PRODUCES A BUSINESS CARD AND A WALLET FROM HER POCKET

LISA (CONT'D)

Here's my business card. What's this? How did I get some guys wallet? Oh yeah now I remember. So call me.

LISA EXITS BACK AROUND THE CORNER

ROZ

Well she seems a little...what's the polite expression? Oh yes violent. What did you say yes for?

FRASIER

She frightened me.

ROZ

She's going to be a lot more frightening if you try and break it off. She'll serve your stomach up on a platter and that's after Bruce has finished with you.

AS FRASIER POCKETS THE CARD AND ROZ STARTS TO HURRY HIM ALONG WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING —DAY/2
(Niles, Daphne, Martin, Frasier, Roz)

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR WATCHING THE TELEVISION AS NILES STANDS BY THE ISLAND TALKING ON THE PHONE WITH DAPHNE PERCHED ON THE COUCH LISTENING INTENSELY

NILES

(ON PHONE) OK so we'll be there at four. Should we bring anything? My chequebook and a bank loan application? That's very funny. Oh you weren't joking. Yes I make a good salary. Thank you very much. Goodbye.

NILES HANGS UP THE PHONE

DAPHNE

Are we in?

NILES

Of course we are. We have an appointment tomorrow.

NILES AND DAPHNE HUG BEFORE HE SITS NEXT TO HER ON THE COUCH

MARTIN

What's this for? His and hers tattoo's? I'm begging you Niles get something manly, not a daffodil or a butterfly.

DAPHNE

It's to see a wedding planner.

MARTIN

(RAISING HIS VOICE) Isn't that a waste of money? Paying some pretentious fop to ponce about picking fabric, couldn't you just ask Frasier to do the same thing free of charge?

FRASIER

(OFF STAGE IN KITCHEN) I heard that.

MARTIN

You were meant to, why did you think I raised my voice?

NILES

It's just that there is so much to do and I don't have that much free time which would leave the lion's share to Daphne. We just thought it would alleviate a lot of the stress.

FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH A TRAY OF COFFEE

DAPHNE

Plus if we're going to have some nosy old fusspot interfering and taking over our wedding we'd rather have someone with taste doing it then me mother who'd insist on having the St. George's flag everywhere and I refuse to have one converted into a wedding dress. I constantly have dreams about telling her to butt out once and for all and then trying to shove the entire wedding cake down her throat in one easy movement.

NILES

That's the night you tried to smother me with your pillow.

DAPHNE

Oh I was not trying to smother you with it. I was trying to make you eat it.

NILES

And that makes it better?

FRASIER

So who have you hired?

NILES

Anthony Sugden. He's an absolute perfectionist.

FRASIER

Isn't he the guy who brought in swans for the Dubont wedding and then glued their feet to the ground because they kept wondering off and attacking the guests during the service? Mrs. Croft lost her good eye.

NILES

Yes, as I said he's a perfectionist. That swan trick worked as well until they started to peck the glue off their feet that just happened to be slightly toxic. The wedding photos had dead birds festooned everywhere.

MARTIN

In that case, I don't want Eddie as ring bearer if that guy is going to be there. I don't want him glued to anything.

DAPHNE

(SARCASTIC) Oh damn all the luck.

NILES

You look awfully smart tonight. Off on a date?

FRASIER

(MISERABLE) Yes.

DAPHNE

Well don't sound too happy about it will you. Anyone would think you were about to be forced to wrestle with an extremely angry lion. Me brother's always used to get into trouble when they went to the zoo. We stopped taking them to the hospital in the end because they were just bringing it on themselves. Michael's never been able to walk properly since.

MARTIN AND FRASIER LOOK HORRIFIED AT DAPHNE WHILE NILES JUST SMILES AT HER

MARTIN

What's the matter? Let me guess she'll be prettier after the surgery?

FRASIER

When have I ever been that shallow? She's lovely I'm just a little frightened of her okay.

NILES

You're what?

FRASIER

She's a little scary.

DAPHNE

Then why are you going out with her?

FRASIER

I was afraid of what she'd do to me if I said no. We were in the freezer section of the grocery store, I had no wish to be squeezed in next to the ice cream.

MARTIN

For God sake Frasier, are you a man or a mouse?

FRASIER

She had a large man in a trench coat with her. If I hadn't have said yes he might have forced my lips to say yes but I fear at the time they wouldn't be attached to my face.

NILES

What does she do?

FRASIER

Something to do with boats I believe, her business address was a wharf.

MARTIN

The ideal girl to go out with. A woman you're scared of that may invite you to go out alone on a boat with her. Have you never seen Dead Calm?

FRASIER

I did phone to cancel but...well...you know.

DAPHNE

But what? Some groundhog started to bite your ankles and distracted you?

FRASIER

She yelled at me.

THE TELEVISION SUDDENLY SWITCHES OFF

MARTIN

(SHOUTS) Oh my God!

FRASIER

Yes I know I'm pathetic but so would you be if not a week went by as a child when you weren't forced to cram your gym shorts into your mouth while you danced around with a jock strap on your head.

MARTIN

No the television.

MARTIN STARTS FRANTICALLY PRESSING BUTTONS ON THE REMOTE

DAPHNE

What's wrong with it?

MARTIN

It's just gone off! Oh my God!

FRASIER PUSHES THE POWER BUTTON ON THE SET CAUSING A WAFT OF SMOKE TO APPEAR FROM THE BACK OF IT

FRASIER

I don't think that made it any better.

MARTIN

Oh my baby.

MARTIN WALKS OVER TO IT TO HAVE A CLOSER LOOK BEFORE DROPPING TO HIS KNEES WITH GREAT DIFFICULTY

NILES

Are you surprised it's finally died? Running nearly twenty-four hours a day for eight and a half years was going to take its toll eventually. You're lucky it's lasted this long without a stroke.

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER ANSWERS THE DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS

FRASIER

Oh hi Roz.

ROZ

Hi Frasier, I just wanted...what is Martin doing to the television? You've not just started paying for the adult channel have you?

FRASIER

It appears that the television has just expired.

MARTIN

(SCREAMS) Oh my God!

FRASIER

He's taking it rather well, don't you think?

MARTIN

It's so unfair. You always think you'll go before your children. It's the natural order to things.

DAPHNE

Dear God, I'm not making you a black armband.

NILES

I think just a minutes silence would be sufficient.

ROZ

Are you all ready for your date?

FRASIER

As ready as I'll ever be.

ROZ

Have you got a puppy ready just in case there's nothing on the menu that she wants to eat?

FRASIER

You're not making this any easier.

ROZ

I shall be expecting all the details, if you're still alive before I go to the party tomorrow.

DAPHNE

Party?

ROZ

Yeah I'm taking Alice to a chicken pox party.

NILES

I just don't get invited to enough of those. Those wonderful Ebola virus parties have always been my favourite. If I'm not coughing up blood with my organs melting by the end of them then it's not a party.

FRASIER

You're taking Alice to a party to be around a bunch of disease-ridden children? Couldn't you have just poked her eyes out instead?

ROZ

It's not the plague Frasier. Loads of mother's do it. She's going to catch it sooner or later, and she might as well get it over and done with now. Surely you and Lilith must have taken Freddie to one.

FRASIER

Lilith had practically every disease bottled up in her lab. If she wanted to give anyone anything she could do it at a drop of a hat. Why do you think I'm such a light sleeper, I was always in fear of having a needle stuck in my rear end.

NILES

Just when you thought Lilith couldn't get anymore warm and cuddlier you add a disease and a needle to the mix.

MARTIN

(RE: TELEVISION) It's so cruel.

ROZ

It is not, the older you get the worse it gets.

MARTIN

Tell me about it. I never thought this would hurt so much.

AS DAPHNE TRIES TO PRY MARTIN OFF THE TELEVISION SCREEN WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

FADE IN:

INT. RESTAURANT — EVENING — DAY/2
(Frasier, Maitre d', Lisa, Man, Owner, Waiter, Diner)

FRASIER AND LISA ENTER A VERY EXCLUSIVE LOOKING RESTAURANT. IT LOOKS COMPLETELY FULL AS THE MAITRE D' STANDS BY THE ENTRANCE

FRASIER

I hope you like this place. Rumour has it the lobster comfit is divine.

MAITRE D'

Miss Del Piero, what a surprise this is. A table for two is it or is your father going to be joining you?

LISA

Not this evening, he's working on a little debt reclaim problem. Do you have a table for us?

MAITRE D'

Actually no. (THEN) But not for long.

THE MAITRE D' WALKS TO THE NEAREST TABLE AND LIFTS UP THE CHAIR THAT THE MAN EATING THERE IS SEATED ON CAUSING HIM TO STAND UP. THE MAITRE D' THEN ESCORTS HIM TO THE ENTRANCE AS THE WAITER CLEARS THE TABLE

MAITRE D'

Thank you very much, please call again.

MAN

I haven't finished with that.

MAITRE D'

What do you think doggie bags were invented for? Now out you go please call again.

THE MAITRE D' PUSHES THE MAN OUT THE DOOR AND THEN RETURNS TO THE TABLE AND PULLS A CHAIR OUT FOR LISA

MAITRE D'

Here you go Miss Del Piero, enjoy your dinner. And for your continued patronage and assistance a bottle of our finest champagne free of charge.

THE MAITRE D' WALKS OVER TO THE BAR

FRASIER

You certainly do get wonderful service here.

LISA

We have a certain business arrangement that Mr. Minetti would like to see continued.

FRASIER

What sort of business are you involved in?

LISA LOOKS AROUND AND SEES THE OWNER SITTING AT A NEAR BY TABLE

LISA

A little bit of this, a little bit of that. Will you excuse me for a moment?

FRASIER

Of course.

LISA GETS UP AND MOVES TOWARDS THE OWNERS TABLE TAPPING HIM ON THE SHOULDER

OWNER

Oh Miss. Del Piero, your father isn't here is he?

LISA

Fortunately for you no, but unfortunately for you I am.

THE WAITER APPROACHES FRASIER AND STARTS TO POUR HIM A GLASS OF WATER BUT GETS DISTRACTED AND ACCIDENTALLY POURS IT OVER FRASIER'S LAP

WAITER

Oh my God. I am so sorry. Here let me help you.

THE WAITER TRIES TO MOP UP THE MESS WITH A NAPKIN

FRASIER

I'm fine really.

WAITER

Please let me pay to have them dry cleaned. In fact no let me buy you a new suit.

FRASIER

Honestly I'm fine.

WAITER

Please just don't tell Miss. Del Piero what I did.

THE WAITER QUICKLY RUSHES AWAY. FRASIER ALARMED BY EVERYONE'S REACTION GETS UP FROM THE TABLE AND TRIES TO SNEAK OUT AS LISA COMES BACK TO THE TABLE

LISA

Where do you think you're going?

FRASIER

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

FRASIER RUSHES AND SITS BACK DOWN AS THE WAITER ALSO RETURNS FRIGHTENED

LISA

What are you sorry for? I was talking to the waiter. Sit down and relax will you.

FRASIER

Of course I apologise for being so tense.

THE MAITRE D' APPROACHES LISA WITH A LARGE BROWN ENVELOPE

MAITRE D'

Miss Del Piero here is our new menu to meet with your approval for you to take home.

LISA

Can't you see I'm on a date here? I don't want to talk business when I'm on a date.

MAITRE D'

I know and I appreciate that but after I was late last month I didn't want to make the same mistake twice.

LISA

Bruce! Get over here. I'll be right back Frasier.

BRUCE ENTERS FROM OUTSIDE AND HE AND LISA ESCORT THE MAITRE D' INTO THE KITCHEN AND EXIT. A DINER THEN APPROACHES FRASIER FROM A NEARBY TABLE AS HE NERVOUSLY BITES ON A BREADSTICK

DINER

Dr. Crane you know Lisa Del Piero?

FRASIER

Actually we only met yesterday. We're kind of on a date.

DINER

I'm in the used car business myself and I'm willing to offer any friend of the Del Piero's a fantastic deal.

FRASIER

That's very kind of you, but I'm not in the market for a car.

DINER

Oh please you've got to help me. Don't buy a car, I'll give you one for free. You don't even need to drive it, just let Lisa know that I did you a favour.

A LOUD SCREAM IS HEARD FROM THE KITCHEN

DINER

Oh I've got to go.

THE DINER SITS BACK DOWN AND LISA ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AND SITS BACK DOWN

LISA

I'm sorry about that. So how are you today?

FRASIER

Suddenly I've developed a rather queasy stomach.

AS FRASIER RATHER RELUCTANTLY LOOKS AT HIS MENU WE:

FADE OUT

(D)

FADE IN:

INT. PLANNERS OFFICE — AFTERNOON — DAY/3
(Anthony, Niles, Daphne, Ramona)

NILES AND DAPHNE SIT ON A THREE SEATER COUCH IN AN EXQUISITELY DECORATED OFFICE THAT HAS SEVERAL DRAWINGS AND BROCHURES SCATTERED AROUND. ANTHONY, AS EXQUISITELY DRESSED AS HIS OFFICE, ENTERS AND GOES TO SHAKE HANDS

ANTHONY

And you must be the future Dr. and Mrs. Crane. Good afternoon I'm Anthony Sugden.

DAPHNE

Afternoon.

NILES

It's a pleasure to meet you.

ANTHONY

OK first things first give your bank details to Ramona here before you waste any of my time.

RAMONA ENTERS AND TAKES SOME PAPER WORK OFF NILES BEFORE EXITING

NILES

I assure you I have the necessary funds to cover this.

ANTHONY

That's what the Count and Countess of Wessex thought. I told them I don't care who your mother is. If you don't have the funds get out of my sight. So while that's being done tell me how far you have got so far.

NILES

The venues for the ceremony and the reception are booked so...

ANTHONY SITS NEXT TO DAPHNE EXTREMELY CLOSE

ANTHONY

That is a mere side note. What is most important is making this beautiful woman look even more beautiful on her special day if that's at all possible.

DAPHNE

Oh go on, you're making me blush.

ANTHONY TAKES HOLD OF DAPHNE'S HAND

ANTHONY

If I can make that Magashank woman look vaguely attractive to anyone other then a drunk sex starved prisoner, just think what I can do with you. Have you found a dress you like?

DAPHNE

Well actually...

ANTHONY

Nope I won't let you do it. Only something that has been designed especially for you, will do you justice. You must let me design it.

NILES

Will you have time for that?

ANTHONY

Oh are you still here? Oh course I'll have time for it. Traditionally it's expected to make the bridesmaids look as hideous as possible so that they don't outshine the bride, but unless they descended from the same cloud in heaven as you did, I don't think that's necessary.

DAPHNE

I bet you say that to everyone.

ANTHONY

Never. Only to someone with the face of an angel and parole officers to close friends and family.

NILES

So what are you thinking for the bridesmaid dresses? Do you want to design those yourself as well?

ANTHONY

Dear God! Nag, nag, nag. Can't you see we're talking here? Why don't you go and look at napkin rings with Ramona. Ramona!

RAMONA ENTERS AND TAKES NILES BY THE ARM LIFTING HIM FROM HIS SEAT

NILES

Shouldn't I be here for...

ANTHONY

Ramona, take Crane here to the East suite to look through some samples.

AS RAMONA ESCORTS NILES FROM THE ROOM AND ANTHONY TURNS HIS ATTENTION BACK TO DAPHNE WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(E)

TITLE CARD: "IT'S THE LATEST CRAZE FROM THE MAKERS OF PET CEMETERIES"

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/3
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne, Lisa, Roz)

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR STARRING AT THE EMPTY SPACE IN THE CREDENZA WHERE THE TELEVISION ONCE STOOD AS FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM AND STARES AT HIM SHAKING HIS HEAD

FRASIER

Dad will you stop it. It's not there anymore. There's no need to just stare at the empty space like that. It won't bring it back.

MARTIN

I just miss it so much OK. Is that a crime?

FRASIER

When it's a television set instead of a small child or an arm yes.

MARTIN

I wonder if the repair guy has found the problem yet.

FRASIER

Will you let it go? I took the television down there, I got him to tell me when he'd look at it, I even got him to promise to phone when he knew what the diagnosis was and you're still not happy.

MARTIN

There's just an empty void that I'm struggling to fill.

FRASIER HANDS MARTIN THE STEREO REMOTE CONTROL

FRASIER

Does that make it any better? You can press the buttons.

MARTIN

It's a little better. So how was your date, you never did say?

FRASIER

Dad can I tell you something?

MARTIN

Sure, you can tell me anything.

FRASIER

You've got to promise not to laugh.

MARTIN

Oh geez, what have you done now?

FRASIER

Nothing. Just promise me you won't laugh.

MARTIN

Okay fine I won't laugh.

FRASIER

It's about Lisa, I think she might be involved in some sort of organised crime racket.

MARTIN BEGINS TO LAUGH HYSTERICALLY

FRASIER (CONT'D)

You said you wouldn't laugh.

MARTIN

Oh come on Fras it is a little far fetched.

FRASIER

Oh is it? Let's look at the evidence. There was that guy at the grocery store with her.

MARTIN

Maybe he was her brother.

FRASIER

I'm not as up on genetics as I should be but I find it hard to believe that one of the whitest white woman I've ever come across apart from Maris and Lilith and a seven foot African American can be brother and sister. At the restaurant the Maitre d' practically threw another couple out to give us the table.

MARTIN

Don't they do that for you at Chez Henry?

FRASIER

Well yes but we do wait while they finish chewing. They were constantly asking about her father, giving her packages and the waiter seemed positively terrified of her. It can only point to one thing, she's in the mob.

MARTIN

And you think I'm screwy for mourning a television set.

FRASIER

It's an inanimate object.

MARTIN

To you maybe.

NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. NILES IMMEDIATELY SLUMPS DOWN ON THE COUCH AS DAPHNE JUST STANDS AND STARES AT HIM SIGHING

NILES

Hello.

DAPHNE

Oh will you stop pouting. You're going to trip over that bottom lip soon, or get it caught in a sewer drain next time you go out. And as much as I love you, I don't want to spend the rest of my life bringing you soup outside because you're trapped.

FRASIER

What's the matter?

DAPHNE

He has a small problem with the wedding planner.

MARTIN

What was the matter with him? He didn't try to use glue on you did he?

NILES

He was all over Daphne like some sort of highly contagious skin rash. I'm surprised you were able to pry him off you so we could leave.

DAPHNE

He was just being friendly.

NILES

Clinging to someone like a spider monkey covered in some super strength Velcro is not being friendly.

DAPHNE

Then why didn't you say something to him?

NILES

He shipped me off into another room for hours. There are only so many napkin holders you can look at then when I tried to leave and see how you were doing the door was locked and Ramona refused to give me the key.

MARTIN

Couldn't you have just taken the key off her?

NILES

She was a big woman Dad.

DAPHNE

Yeah pigmy big.

MARTIN

But he's a male wedding planner, isn't he gay?

NILES

Well if he is, he seems to have forgotten. So what happened when I was pushed out of the scene?

DAPHNE

We just talked about the wedding.

DAPHNE GOES TO EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN CAUSING NILES TO GET UP AND FOLLOW HER

NILES

What ours or yours and Anthony's?

DAPHNE

Oh my God, this is going to be a long conversation.

DAPHNE AND NILES EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER

That'll be Roz, she wanted to know how my date went.

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND LISA AND BRUCE ENTER

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Lisa! Hello, what are you doing here?

LISA

You have some problem with me coming here?

FRASIER

No, no, no of course not.

LISA

Bruce wait outside.

BRUCE EXITS SHUTTING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM

FRASIER

Lisa may I introduce you to my father Martin Crane. Dad this is Lisa Del Piero.

LISA

It's nice to meet you.

MARTIN

The pleasure is all mine.

THEY SHAKE HANDS

SFX: LISA'S CELL PHONE

LISA

Oh excuse me.

LISA ANSWERS HER PHONE AND MOVES TOWARDS THE WINDOW

FRASIER

See.

MARTIN

So what? She has a cell phone and a bodyguard.

NILES EXITS FROM THE KITCHEN

MARTIN (CONT'D)

So does most of Hollywood and they can't all be in the mob.

NILES

Who's in the mob?

FRASIER

Ssshhh! Get back in the kitchen. Weren't you being jealous and over protective about Daphne?

NILES EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN

LISA

(ON THE PHONE) I can't talk about that now. Have you never heard the expression the walls have ears. Just drop off the thing will you. And while you're out go around to Ferrea's and make sure he gets the message about not being late with his payment again. Bye.

LISA HANGS UP HER PHONE AND MOVES BACK OVER TO FRASIER

LISA (CONT'D)

Sorry about that.

FRASIER

That's fine. You certainly seem to be in demand at the office. What is it that you do again?

LISA

Do I badger you twenty-four hours a day about work?

FRASIER

Of course not.

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Excuse me.

FRASIER CROSSES TO ANSWER THE DOOR

MARTIN

You seem to have a little blood on your shoe.

LISA

No I haven't that's the pattern.

MARTIN

Then they're very pretty.

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND ROZ AND ALICE ENTER

FRASIER

Roz, Alice how nice to see you.

FRASIER HUGS ROZ AND WHISPERS INTO HER EAR

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Don't say a word she's here.

FRASIER BREAKS THE HUG AND LEADS ROZ OVER TO LISA

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Roz you remember Lisa from the grocery store.

ROZ

Hello again.

LISA

Hello...

SFX: LISA'S CELL PHONE

LISA (CONT'D)

Oh crap. Excuse me. (ON PHONE) What do you want now? Don't make me come down there.

LISA MOVES BACK TOWARDS THE WINDOW

ROZ

As happy as the first time I saw her I see. So how's it going?

MARTIN

Well it's one day at a time, I'm expecting the repair guy to phone us any time now.

ROZ

I meant with Frasier and Lisa.

MARTIN

Trust me you don't even want to go there.

NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN

DAPHNE

Are we all sorted now? Am I going to see a smile? Show me your smile.

FRASIER

Freud would have a field day right there.

LISA HANGS UP HER PHONE UNKNOWN TO FRASIER AND BECOMES INCREASINGLY INTERESTED IN THE CONVERSATION

ROZ

What's the matter?

NILES

The wedding planner was hitting on Daphne.

DAPHNE

He wasn't. You can tell how many people have hit on you in your lifetime if you think that was flirting.

NILES

He was one step away from lighting you both a cigarette.

LISA

Are you having a problem with this guy?

FRASIER

(PANICKING) Oh no, no it'll be fine, he's just being a child.

NILES

I most certainly am not.

LISA

Do you want me to have a little chat with him?

FRASIER

No, no honestly it's fine.

LISA

What's his name?

FRASIER

Really the less said the better.

NILES

Anthony Sugden.

LISA

OK problem over, I'll get right on it tomorrow. But right now I have to go, a small problem at work. Nice meeting you all. Bye Frasier.

LISA EXITS OUT THE FRONT DOOR

FRASIER

Are you insane?

NILES

Am I insane? You're the one flapping around like a penguin trying in vain to fly.

FRASIER

She's in the mob. You're wedding planner is going to find a horse head in his bed!

DAPHNE

Don't be ridiculous.

MARTIN

It does look a little strange but I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for it.

FRASIER

Like what? She's staying in character to appear in the Godfather Part 4? What planet are you from? If I try and break up with her now at the very least I'm going to be kneecapped and forced to try to swallow my own arm. Did you not read that story where that guy was beaten to death with his own arm and then the murderer put it in a blender to make pate and served it to his family at the wake? That's going to be me. You're going to be eating me if I try to break up with her.

ROZ

Then I'm sure you'll have a lovely wedding, a happy life together and you'll eat lots of pasta. Come on Alice let's go and get the pox.

ROZ AND ALICE EXIT

FRASIER

Will anyone pay attention to my legitimate fears? Please?

NILES AND DAPHNE LOOK AT EACH OTHER BEFORE EXITING TO DAPHNE'S ROOM

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Thank you both very much.

SFX: TELEPHONE

MARTIN IMMEDIATELY LEAPS UP AND ANSWERS THE PHONE

MARTIN

(ON PHONE) Hello? How's it doing? Do you know what the problem is? I see. OK. Thank you.

MARTIN HANGS UP THE PHONE AND SLUMPS BACK DOWN IN HIS CHAIR

FRASIER

And?

MARTIN

You need to buy a large window box so I've got somewhere to bury it.

FRASIER

And you're likely to find me buried next to it.

AS FRASIER LIES DOWN ON THE COUCH WE:

FADE OUT

(F)

FADE IN:

INT. PLANNERS OFFICE — AFTERNOON — DAY/4
(Niles, Daphne, Anthony, Ramona)

NILES AND DAPHNE SIT AS BEFORE BUT WITH NILES LOOKING EXTREMELY MISERABLE AT BEING THERE

NILES

Can't we just do this on our own?

DAPHNE

You said this way would alleviate the stress.

NILES

But instead it's giving me a haemorrhage. If he touches you once I may not be held responsible for my actions.

DAPHNE

If you behave yourself during this, you can touch me all you want tonight.

NILES

Is that a threat or a promise?

DAPHNE

Just behave yourself, the last thing I need is you creating a scene like you did in the dog park.

NILES

There was a bee.

DAPHNE

Then it had the most cunning disguise as a leaf I've ever seen.

NILES

It was on the leaf.

DAPHNE

You mean snow boarding?

NILES

Are you going to make fun of my all day?

DAPHNE

That was my intention yes.

ANTHONY ENTERS INTO THE OFFICE LOOKING EXTREMELY NERVOUS AND SWEATING A LOT. HE SITS BEHIND THE DESK AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE FROM BOTH OF THEM

ANTHONY

Ah Dr. Crane, Miss. Moon it's nice to see you again. Can I get you anything? A cup of coffee, champagne a week in Hawaii?

DAPHNE

I'm fine thank you.

NILES

Can I have a coffee?

ANTHONY

(SHOUTS) Ramona get Dr. Crane a coffee please. Now where were we?

DAPHNE STARTS TO LOOK THROUGH HER PURSE

DAPHNE

I was looking through...

ANTHONY

(TERRIFIED) What are you getting from your purse? Please don't hurt me!

DAPHNE

It's a photo of a table dressing.

ANTHONY

Of course. I'm sorry. Is it warm enough for you in here?

DAPHNE

Yes it's fine.

ANTHONY

How about you Dr. Crane?

NILES

I'm fine, can we get back to the matter at hand?

ANTHONY

Of course, of course I apologise from the bottom of my heart for wasting your valuable time. In fact I insist on giving you a discount. Miss. Moon your dress is going to be made free of charge in fact no, I'll pay you to wear one of my designs.

DAPHNE

Is everything okay?

ANTHONY

Yes everything is fine.

SFX: NILES' CELL PHONE

ANTHONY (CONT'D)

Ahhhhh.

NILES

I'm sorry I'll switch it off.

ANTHONY GETS UP AND STARTS TO LEAD NILES AND DAPHNE TO THE DOOR

ANTHONY

No. I'm a little on edge. Maybe it would be best if you left. I don't want to waste anymore of your time. Not that I'm throwing you out, don't tell anyone that. We can rearrange for next week. Bye.

AS NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT ANTHONY COLLAPSES ON THE COUCH IN A HEAP AND WE:

FADE OUT

(G)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/4
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne, Roz)

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR WATCHING FRASIER AS HE PACES ABOUT THE ROOM TRYING TO FINALISE A SPEECH

FRASIER

You see Lisa as much as I like you and want to spend time with you I think it's time I told you the truth. I respect you too much to lie to you. You see the problem is I was involved in an horrific lawn mowing accident as a child that has left me severely disabled. Yes that's right I think you know what I'm talking about. I couldn't continue our relationship without you knowing. I understand if you want to end it. So what do you think?

MARTIN

I think you need a lobotomy and I'm just being polite.

NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR

NILES

What did your nutty girlfriend say to our wedding planner?

FRASIER

What do you mean?

DAPHNE

He was terrified of us. He was one step away from crawling under the table and calling for his mommy.

MARTIN

I thought that's what you wanted.

NILES

I wanted him to stop being a letch not traumatise him for life.

FRASIER

You see this just confirms it.

DAPHNE

Confirms what?

FRASIER

That Lisa is in the mob.

NILES

Don't be ridiculous.

FRASIER

How else could she have scared that guy so much?

DAPHNE

You do have a point there.

MARTIN

Don't tell me you two are going as screwy as Frasier.

DAPHNE

You're the man sleeping with the carcass of a deceased television in his bedroom and with the remote permanently stuck in his hand.

MARTIN

I don't want it to think that I never loved it.

NILES

It's an inanimate object. What part of that don't you understand?

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER ANSWERS THE DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS COVERED IN RED BLOTCHES

FRASIER

Oh hello Roz. What happened to you?

ROZ

What does it look like? I've caught the pox.

NILES

Small pox?

ROZ

Chicken pox wiseass.

FRASIER

How did you catch that?

DAPHNE

I might be taking a stab in the dark here but I'd say it was that chicken pox party she went to the other day but then it's easy for me I'm psychic.

FRASIER

Did Alice get it as well?

ROZ

No, she doesn't have a spot on her and yet I'm covered from head to toe. Like it wasn't hard enough getting a date without being covered in lots of red pussy spots.

NILES

I think I'll pass on dinner if it's all the same to you.

DAPHNE

I was thinking the same thing.

MARTIN

You must have known you'd catch it if you hadn't had it.

ROZ

I didn't know I hadn't had it.

FRASIER

Oh one of those pesky family secrets that are supposed to be taken to the grave.

ROZ

Hopefully now Alice will catch it off me.

FRASIER

Did it occur to you to call ahead of time to check if any of us hadn't caught it?

ROZ

Actually no.

FRASIER

Had it.

NILES

Had it.

MARTIN

You've had every disease going. You've even had some weird ones named after you. I've had it.

DAPHNE

(SUDDENLY REALISING) Oh great.

FRASIER

You don't need to be psychic to see this one coming.

AS DAPHNE SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH IN RESIGNATION AND NILES BACKS AWAY FROM ROZ WE:

FADE OUT

(H)

FADE IN:

INT. DOCKLAND WAREHOUSE — MORNING — DAY/5
(Frasier, Lisa)

FRASIER WAITS OUTSIDE AN OFFICE INSIDE A LARGE WAREHOUSE THAT LOOKS RELATIVELY EMPTY. LISA ENTERS FROM THE OFFICE BUT DOESN'T NOTICE FRASIER

FRASIER

Excuse me Lisa.

LISA

Frasier what are you doing here? I'm working you shouldn't be here.

FRASIER

I had to come down here to see you, no matter how much I fear this conversation.

LISA

What is it? You've got some sort of disease haven't you?

FRASIER

No, no it's nothing like that. I can't see you anymore.

LISA

Why not? Was it something I said? Something I did?

FRASIER

Yes both of those. And it's your occupation.

LISA

You've found out what I do for a living?

FRASIER

Yes I have and despite the consequences that might befall on me for telling you this, I'm afraid it's over.

LISA

This always happens, every guy always goes running when they find out what I do. Like there's something wrong with being a fishmonger.

FRASIER

Yes well I know but...a fishmonger? Is there anyway that is a coy euphemism for something else?

LISA

What are you talking about? I sell fish. I have a warehouse at the wharf that I work from.

FRASIER

I thought you were in the mob.

LISA

(SHOCKED) You what?

FRASIER

But what about all that talk of your father at dinner?

LISA

He started the business, we supply fish to nearly all the city. That Maitre d' was giving me an advance payment on a some particularly fine salmon before I sold it to anyone else.

FRASIER

That car salesman tried to give me a car because I knew you.

LISA

He's trying to make a good impression on my Dad, he's been trying to get me to marry him for years.

FRASIER

The blood on your shoe?

LISA

I gut fish. You're lucky I didn't have an eye and a few tails on my shoes. Which is why I don't tell people what I do because it grosses them out.

FRASIER

But what about the wedding planner, he was scared to death.

LISA

I threatened to hike up my prices for his catering if he didn't cut it out. You seem to underestimate the power and influence a truck full of swordfish has.

FRASIER

I see. I seem to have made a humongous error. Is there any chance that you'll forget that I've called you a crook and give me another chance?

LISA

There's more chance of this fish suddenly springing to life and doing a dance.

FRASIER

So there's still a chance? (THEN) One more thing, the bodyguard?

LISA

A gigantic pain in the ass. It's my Dad's idea I was mugged last month.

FRASIER

And suddenly the wrong end of the stick that I've grabbed hold of and beaten myself around the head with gets bigger and bigger.

AS FRASIER WALKS AWAY FEELING EXTREMELY EMBARRASSED WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

CLOSING CREDITS: ROZ IS LYING ON FRASIER'S COUCH COVERED WITH A BLANKET AS NILES ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. THE IMMEDIATELY GETS HIS HANDKERCHIEF FROM HIS POCKET AND COVERS HIS MOUTH WHILE WALKING PRESSED UP AGAINST THE FIREPLACE SO TO STAY AS FAR AWAY FROM ROZ AS POSSIBLE. HE HANGS HIS COAT UP AND WAVES TO ROZ STILL WITH HIS HANDKERCHIEF TO HIS MOUTH. DAPHNE THEN COMES UP BEHIND HIM COVERED IN THE SAME BLOTCHES ROZ IS AND HUGS HIM. NILES SEES HER PULLS A SQUEAMISH FACE BUT DOESN'T BREAK THE HUG