I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
All feedback is as always appreciated so please send any comments to kelly_simba@hotmail.com. This is to try to make up for what I wrote a few weeks back because Marissa complained so much.
Enjoy...
Alternative Season Nine Episode Eleven
Mommy Dearest
By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)
ACT ONE(A)
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Frasier, Roz, Man, Jodie, Carol)
FRASIER SITS BY THE COUNTER IN A CROWDED NERVOSA DRINKING HIS COFFEE AND STARING AT THE DOOR. ROZ ENTERS, SEES HIM, PANICS AND DUCKS BEHIND A MAN LEANING UP THE PILLAR. FRASIER SEES HER, ROLLS HIS EYES AND WALKS TOWARDS HER
FRASIER
Roz you can't hide from me forever otherwise I'm sure Lilith would have tried it by now. Roz you're standing behind that man and by the look on his face touching him somewhere extremely inappropriate. Look his eyes are beginning to cross. Will you come out here?
MAN
Oh crap.
ROZ LEAPS UP FROM BEHIND THE MAN
ROZ (CONT'D)
Oh Frasier hi I didn't see you there.
FRASIER
Yes well you wouldn't when you're trying to perfect your technique as a proctologist. Come and sit down, something that this poor gentleman will probably never be able to do again, at least not without an inflatable cushion.
FRASIER AND ROZ SIT DOWN AS THE MAN SLOWLY FOLLOWS THEM
ROZ
(TO MAN) Sorry about that.
MAN
Wait don't stop. Are you leaving? I thought we had a connection.
ROZ
Please be kidding.
MAN
Can I at least have your number? This is by far the longest relationship I've had this century.
MAN
No thanks.
MAN
Oh come on please before I start getting desperate, please.
FRASIER
Oh I think that boat has sailed. Off you go.
THE MAN SIGHS TO HIMSELF AND EXITS
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Have you seen the stress you've caused because you wouldn't face me?
MAN
Oh what stress? It gave him a cheap thrill.
FRASIER
So are you going to explain yourself?
ROZ
Oh if I have to. When I saw you I ducked down and put my hand...
FRASIER
Do not finish that sentence! I meant the reason why you missed the show today.
MAN
I didn't miss it.
FRASIER
Fine then I'll rephrase the question, why did you miss two hours fifty-eight minutes of the show and then run away before I had a chance to talk to you about it?
MAN
If I tell you why I was late you'll only laugh at me.
FRASIER
Try me.
ROZ
Oh that's right I forgot you've got no sense of humour that we're aware of.
FRASIER
I object to that. I am a laugh riot.
ROZ
Really? I must have been on vacation that day.
FRASIER
My Elizabethan playhouse material has had people crying with laughter.
ROZ
You see that's your biggest mistake, you confuse tears of laughter with tears of boredom very easily.
FRASIER
They were laughing Roz.
ROZ
Yes but they were laughing near you not at you, actually no they could have been laughing at you.
FRASIER
Not a day goes by when someone doesn't ask me to repeat that Christopher Marlowe gag in reference to Dr. Faustus that I told at PBS pledge drive about the brothel keeper and the devil.
MAN
Yes but that's Niles, need I say anymore?
FRASIER
Can we get back to the subject at hand? Where were you?
ROZ
If you must know I got locked in my car.
FRASIER
Excuse me?
ROZ
I got locked in my car.
FRASIER
You mean someone locked you in the trunk? How naïve do you think I am?
ROZ
No not in the trunk. You know I bought a new car last week well the locks keep jamming. I couldn't crawl out of the trunk because it's only a two-door vehicle. I had to wait for someone to rescue me.
FRASIER
Couldn't you have wound the window down and opened it from outside?
ROZ
Only the front windows open and the one handle Alice has caked up with jelly and just spins on the spot and I pulled the other one off.
JODIE, AN ATTRACTIVE MIDDLE AGED WOMAN, AND HER MOTHER CAROL ENTER NERVOSA AND LOOK AROUND FOR SOMEWHERE TO SIT
FRASIER
Why exactly did you buy this car did you say?
ROZ
They were practically giving it away.
FRASIER
For obvious reasons.
JODIE APPROACHES FRASIER AND ROZ'S TABLE AS THERE ARE TWO EXTRA CHAIRS
JODIE
Excuse me, do you mind if we sit here, there are no free tables?
FRASIER
Oh course please take a seat.
JODIE AND CAROL SIT DOWN
JODIE
Thank you very much. Your voice sounds familiar.
FRASIER
I'm Dr. Frasier Crane from off the radio. This is my producer Roz Doyle.
CAROL
That's it. We're both big fans of your show.
JODIE
I'm Jodie. This is my mother Carol.
FRASIER
It's a pleasure to meet you both.
JODIE
We really are huge fans of your show.
ROZ
Oh stop please, don't make his head any bigger, he's already intolerable to work with don't make it worse.
FRASIER
She's just kidding.
ROZ
You're right I am, but those death rays speak volumes.
FRASIER
So what do you ladies do for a living?
CAROL
I used to work in a hair salon but I'm retired now.
JODIE
I'm curator at the Winchester Museum.
FRASIER
I knew I knew you from somewhere. You spoke at the party to celebrate the introduction of those antique Icelandic wooden spoons to the museum. You made a wonderfully delicious quip about the Chateux Cetair 65.
JODIE
That's right. My God I'm surprised you remembered.
ROZ
You'll be surprised at the amount of useless information that rattles around his skull.
JODIE
Can I get either of you a coffee?
FRASIER
I'm fine thank you.
JODIE MOVES TO THE COUNTER
CAROL
If you'll excuse me I shall just go to the powder room.
CAROL STANDS UP AND EXITS TOWARDS THE RESTROOM
ROZ
Oh my God stop drooling. You're thinning out your coffee. If you're so interested in her go and ask her out.
FRASIER
I can't we've only just met.
ROZ
Oh yes I forgot in your family you have to wait seven years before you make the first move. Well it's been God knows how long since you last had sex I'm sure a few more years won't hurt. With any luck all the equipment might still work, but I wouldn't hold my breathe if I were you.
FRASIER
Excuse me Jodie can I ask you something?
FRASIER GETS UP AND APPROACHES HER AT THE COUNTER AS WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
TITLE CARD: "FRANKIE FOUR FINGERS IMMEDIATELY SPRINGS TO MIND"
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2
(Frasier, Martin, Daphne, Niles, Jodie, Carol, Eddie)
FRASIER HAS MADE THE ROOM READY FOR A ROMANTIC MEAL AS EDDIE SITS IN MARTIN'S CHAIR AND WATCHES. AS HE PUTS A SERVING PLATTER ON THE TABLE MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM.
FRASIER
Come on Dad get a move on, she'll be here any minute.
MARTIN
Why are you in such a rush to get rid of me? Frightened of a little competition are you? Scared she'll change her mind when she gets a look of me.
FRASIER
Yeah right. As much as I'd like to laugh hysterically while rolling around on the floor, right now I don't have time. Now off you go.
MARTIN
Can I at least get my coat first?
FRASIER
As long as you don't stop, just pick it up and get moving. Perpetual motion is good for the soul.
MARTIN
Fine I'm going.
MARTIN GETS HIS COAT AND EXITS OUT THE FRONT DOOR. FRASIER THEN PUTS A CD IN HIS STEREO BEFORE SITTING DOWN AND FINALLY RELAXING ON THE COUCH. NILES AND DAPHNE THEN ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR CAUSING FRASIER TO LEAP FROM HIS SEAT. DAPHNE IS BEING EXTREMELY OVERLY AFFECTIONATE TOWARDS NILES.
FRASIER
What are you two doing here?
DAPHNE
That's no way to speak to a returning hero.
FRASIER
A what?
DAPHNE
There was an accident on the corner of Pike and Elm. Niles got out and helped. I've never been prouder.
DAPHNE KISSES HIS CHEEK
NILES
I didn't do a lot.
DAPHNE
Nonsense, you practically saved that man's life.
NILES
He'd only broken his fingers.
DAPHNE
That's all it takes sometimes.
SHE KISSES HIM AGAIN
FRASIER
This is all very good and I'm thrilled for you, but I have a date and unless you both want to be flung over the balcony and scrapped off the sidewalk with a spatula, I'd leave now.
NILES
What's that mark on your trousers?
FRASIER LOOKS DOWN, SEES THE MARK AND STARTS TO RUB IT FRANTICALLY
FRASIER
Oh my God. I've just got time. I'm going to change and you two are to be gone by the time I get back.
NILES
Fine.
FRASIER QUICKLY EXITS TOWARDS HIS ROOM
DAPHNE
Now you, come and sit down here and relax for a moment.
DAPHNE LEADS HIM BY THE HAND TO THE COUCH AND PUSHES HIM DOWN. SHE THEN SITS EXTREMELY CLOSE NEXT TO HIM WITH HER LEGS ACROSS HIS LAP AND HER ARM AROUND HIS SHOULDERS
NILES
Daphne really it's not that big a deal.
DAPHNE
Can I get you anything?
NILES
I'm fine really.
DAPHNE
You looked so sexy applying pressure to that man's leg silhouetted against the ambulance lights.
NILES
Until I passed out.
DAPHNE
That's perfectly understandable, there was a lot of blood. I'm so proud of you. Go on say it again, just once more.
NILES
(TRYING HIS BEST TO SOUND MANLY) "This gentleman needs a finger splint."
DAPHNE
You know what I was thinking.
NILES
What?
DAPHNE MOVES TO SIT ON HIS LAP, WRAPS HER ARMS AROUND HIS NECK AND WHISPERS INTO HIS EAR. AFTER A MOMENT NILES SMILES, AUTOMATICALLY STANDS UP, PICKING UP DAPHNE AT THE SAME TIME AS SHE'S STILL CLINGING TO HIM AND HEADS TOWARDS HER ROOM
DAPHNE
Your brother's got a date, we've got to leave.
AS NILES REACHES THE PIANO HE TURNS AROUND AND THEY HEAD TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Where has this sudden burst of strength come from?
NILES
I've been storing it up for the last forty-three years.
NILES STRUGGLES TO OPEN THE DOOR AS HIS HANDS ARE FULL, ONCE HE'S DONE IT, NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT. EDDIE IS NOW LEFT ON HIS OWN. HE JUMPS OFF MARTIN'S CHAIR AND ONTO ONE OF THE DINNING CHAIRS, CLIMBS UP ON THE TABLE AND ATTEMPTS TO EAT OFF THE PLATTER AS FRASIER ENTERS
FRASIER
Eddie no get away. Don't make me put you in the blender.
FRASIER SCARES EDDIE OFF AND HE RETURNS TO SIT ON MARTIN'S CHAIR AS FRASIER TRIES TO COVER UP THE HOLE LEFT ON THE PLATTER
FRASIER (CONT'D)
I'll squeeze you in there if I have to.
SFX: DOORBELL
FRASIER (CONT'D)
She's here, now you behave.
FRASIER CROSSES TO ANSWER THE DOOR, JODIE ENTERS
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Jodie, so glad you could make it.
CAROL ENTERS PUSHING PAST JODIE TO SHAKE FRASIER'S HAND. FRASIER NATURALLY LOOKS A LITTLE SPEECHLESS.
CAROL
Frasier so nice to see you again.
FRASIER
Carol it's certainly surprising to see you again so soon. (SOTTO TO JODIE) What is your mother doing here?
JODIE
She didn't have plans, you don't mind do you?
FRASIER
Of course not, the more the merrier.
CAROL
This isn't going to effect your meal plans is it?
FRASIER
Of course not, it'll be fine as soon as I learn how to divide two lobsters between three people. Maybe I should have been a magician not a psychiatrist.
AS FRASIER POURS THEM BOTH A GLASS OF WINE WE:
FADE OUT
(C)
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/3
(Daphne, Niles, Frasier, Roz, Jodie, Carol)
NILES AND DAPHNE SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF NERVOSA. DAPHNE IS ONCE AGAIN STILL BEING EXTREMELY AFFECTIONATE. NILES LOOKS ABSOLUTELY EXHAUSTED.
DAPHNE
So did you ever wear a white coat?
NILES
Sometimes although a lot of the time I was wearing a pair of scrubs. I'm sure Dad has a picture of me in them somewhere with my stethoscope around my neck.
DAPHNE
Really?
NILES
Why the sudden interest? You've never been this interested in my time at medical school before, probably because I spent most of the time unconscious on a linoleum floor.
FRASIER ENTERS AND WALKS PAST THEM ON HIS WAY TO THE COUNTER
DAPHNE
I'd never seen you in action before until the other night. I loved your rubber gloves.
FRASIER
There's a conversation I'm glad I missed the beginning of. (TO THE WAITRESS) Can I have a latte please? Niles long time no see.
FRASIER SITS DOWN WITH THEM
NILES
Well I've been slightly busy over the last few days. (THEN) I haven't seen you to ask you but how did your date go the other day Frasier?
FRASIER
It was...how can I put this...interesting.
DAPHNE
Why what happened? She didn't try to convert you did she?
FRASIER
She brought her mother along.
NILES
She what?
FRASIER
She brought her mother on our date.
DAPHNE
Why?
FRASIER
I stand less chance of answering that question then I do of establishing the meaning of life.
NILES
I'm sorry. Have you made plans to see her again? Your date, not her mother.
FRASIER
I'm supposed to be meeting her here for coffee.
DAPHNE
Alone?
FRASIER
Of course alone.
NILES
You hope.
DAPHNE
I'm just going to nip to the powder room. I'll be back. Love you.
NILES
Love you too.
DAPHNE KISSES HIS CHEEK AND EXITS TO THE RESTROOM. NILES WATCHES HER GO AND THE MOMENT SHE IS OUT OF SIGHT HE COLLAPSES FORWARD ON THE TABLE IN A HEAP
FRASIER
What is the matter with you? You've got all the life or a repeatedly run over rat. You haven't developed narcolepsy again have you?
NILES
Frasier she's killing me.
FRASIER
What are you talking about?
NILES
Daphne.
FRASIER
What her cooking? If Dad and I can stand it constant for eight and a half years without a stomach pump you'll be able to cope.
NILES
Ever since I helped at that road accident the other day she's been all over me even more then usual. She seems to be getting turned on by the slightest mention of anything medical. I've had to hide my prescription pan. It's been none stop for the last three days. If it continues at this pace any longer I'll be dead by the end of the week.
FRASIER
Oh boo-hoo, at least you're having sex, I've got a human contraceptive coming with me on my dates.
NILES
I feel for you Frasier I really do but at the moment I'm too tired to care, it's getting ridiculous.
FRASIER
Wait a second, why do you smell of bleach?
NILES
I told you it's getting ridiculous. We'd only been in here five minutes before...
FRASIER
Please don't finish that sentence.
NILES
Please I'm begging you, for my own health's sake don't let me leave with Daphne.
FRASIER
I don't know if it's escaped your notice Niles but you're engaged. She's practically living with you. You've moaned for seven years and now you're nearly married you're still not happy.
NILES
Do you want me to die?
FRASIER
At least you'll go with a smile on your face.
SFX: FRASIER'S CELL PHONE RINGING
FRASIER TAKES HIS PHONE OUT OF HIS POCKET AND ANSWERS IT
FRASIER (CONT'D)
(INTO PHONE) Hello? Oh hi Roz. I'm in Nervosa. What do you mean you can't get in? Oh I see. I'll be right there.
FRASIER HANGS UP HIS PHONE AND PUTS IT AWAY
NILES
What's the matter?
FRASIER
Roz is locked in her car again she's outside.
NILES
Well I guess that makes a change from being locked in some strange sailors bedroom.
FRASIER AND NILES STAND UP AND EXIT
RESET TO:
EXT. SIDEWALK OUTSIDE NERVOSA — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER AND NILES ENTER FROM NERVOSA AND WALK OVER TO THE CURB WHERE A CAR IS PARKED. AS FRASIER APPROACHES ROZ SITS UP AND WAVES HIM OVER
FRASIER
Hello Roz. I'm suddenly having a sense of déjà vu. Oh that's right there was that Polaroid of you going around the station last Christmas.
MAN
When you've finished making fun, can you help me?
NILES
Hello Roz.
ROZ
Why did you have to bring him?
FRASIER
I didn't he followed me.
NILES
I know you have the reputation of being trailer trash Roz but there's no need for you to actually live in your car.
MAN
You just wait.
NILES
For what exactly?
ROZ
Let me out and you'll see.
NILES
Frasier there are certain laws about releasing caged wild animals back into the wild.
DAPHNE ENTERS FROM NERVOSA AND WALKS OVER TO JOIN THEM
DAPHNE
There you are. I'd thought you'd been kidnapped.
ROZ
Can someone please open the door? It's quite stiff so you're really going to have to pull it hard.
FRASIER GRABS HOLD OF THE HANDLE AND PULLS SO HARD HIS FACE TURNS RED WITHOUT MAKING IT OPEN
FRASIER
I can't budge it.
NILES
Here let me help.
ROZ
You? Why don't you try and open it with a feather.
DAPHNE
Oh for God's sake let me do it.
DAPHNE PUSHES PAST BOTH OF THEM AND OPENS IT WITH RELATIVE EASE
FRASIER
I loosened it.
ROZ GETS OUT OF THE CAR AND SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT, KICKING IT AFTERWARDS
ROZ
I refuse to dump this car I've only just bought it.
NILES
Well then may I suggest you get a catscan if you'd rather keep getting locked in then buy a new one or get it repaired.
DAPHNE
Did you ever order a catscan?
NILES
I've watched them.
DAPHNE
Really? Bye Dr. Crane, Roz.
DAPHNE TAKES NILES HAND AND LEADS HIM OFF DOWN THE STREET. NILES MAKES A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO STAY WHERE HE IS BY GRABBING ON TO ROZ'S CAR, BUT FAILS. FRASIER AND ROZ WATCH THEM LEAVE
ROZ
What's his problem?
FRASIER
He's never happy.
JODIE AND CAROL ROUND THE CORNER AND EXIT INTO NERVOSA
ROZ
Isn't that Jodie I see going in Nervosa.
FRASIER
And her mother. Dear God why does she keep bringing her everywhere?
ROZ
Face it, you're dating both of them. I know you've dated a mother and a daughter before, but do you have to do it at the same time?
AS FRASIER AND ROZ WALK BACK TOWARDS NERVOSA WE:
FADE OUT
(D)
FADE IN:
INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/4
(Frasier, Roz, Carol, Jodie, Will (VO))
ROZ STANDS IN HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH AS FRASIER ENTERS INTO HIS SIDE FOLLOWED CLOSELY BY JODIE AND CAROL
FRASIER
This is the booth. And right through there is where Roz sits.
ROZ
And does the hard part, not that I get any credit.
CAROL
It's all very impressive Frasier. To think that you speak to so many people from in here.
ROZ
He actually speaks to a lot more people then you'd think, most of the callers are schizophrenic.
CAROL
Is that Gill Chesterton? Excuse me I must go and say hello.
CAROL EXITS FROM THE BOOTH
JODIE
Thank you Frasier for showing us around. My mother really has enjoyed it.
FRASIER
And I've enjoyed seeing her yet again. Is she by any chance planning on taking a vacation anytime soon?
JODIE
No.
FRASIER
Planning on moving to Florida?
JODIE
No. Why?
FRASIER
Oh just curious.
CAROL ENTERS BACK INTO THE BOOTH
CAROL
He was most charming. Well come on dear, Frasier has a show to do, people to help and we have to buy you those skirts.
JODIE
Okay, bye Frasier. Bye Roz.
ROZ
Bye guys.
FRASIER
Bye. I'll call you.
JODIE AND CAROL EXIT AS FRASIER SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND THEM AND SLUMPS DOWN IN HIS CHAIR
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Someone shoot me.
ROZ
What the hell happened this time? You invited her mother to look around the station?
FRASIER
No yesterday after coffee, I invited Jodie to have lunch with me today. And once again following her like some sort of miniature antique stalker Carol joined us. I brought them here hoping that the stairs would be too much for dear old ma and she'd have to wait in the car.
MAN
I take it didn't work.
FRASIER
She has better hips then I do. She sprinted up here.
ROZ
Can't you just say something to her?
FRASIER
I would but it's so delicate. Jodie must be emotionally in a very fragile state, it's difficult to say anything.
MAN
Well you'll have time to think later, you're on in three.
FRASIER OUTS HIS HEADPHONES ON AND GOES ON AIR
FRASIER
Hello Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane and I'll be here for the next three hours answering your calls. So without further ado let's get straight to the phones. Roz who do we have on line one?
MAN
We have Will from Mercer Island.
FRASIER
Hello Will, I'm listening.
WILL (VO)
Hello Dr. Crane. I have this problem with this woman I'm dating. You see everywhere that we go, every date that we go on, she brings her mother along. It's becoming very hard to you know take it to the next level without the fear of a little old lady sitting there watching with her reading glasses on the end of her nose.
FRASIER SHUTS OFF HIS MIC TO TALK TO ROZ
FRASIER
You know sometimes this show is my saviour.
FRASIER TURNS HIS MIC BACK ON AGAIN
FRASIER (CONT'D)
That certainly is a complicated problem Will.
ROZ
Yeah one that you can't handle yourself.
FRASIER
What are you thinking of doing?
WILL
Well that's about as useful as a solar panel on a torch. Erm...I really don't know. I'm down to two options.
FRASIER
Which are?
WILL
Either burning her, or hiring a hit man.
FRASIER
I would strongly discourage you from doing both of those, especially as you've just announced it live on the radio.
WILL
Oh that's no real problem, I mean who listens to this show anyway?
FRASIER HANGS UP ON WILL
FRASIER
Obviously not you. We'll be right back Seattle to answer more of your calls after this commercial break.
FRASIER GOES OFF AIR
ROZ
Well that was helpful. I've got a match and you know Jerome Berlasco's phone number. So which is it to be?
AS FRASIER GLARES AT ROZ THROUGH THE GLASS WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO(E)
TITLE CARD: "HE DOESN'T HAVE A G-STRING TO STUFF IT IN"
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/4
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Eddie)
MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR READING THE PAPER AND NILES LIES FAST ASLEEP FACE DOWN ON THE COUCH WITH EDDIE PERCHED ON THE ARM WATCHING HIM. FRASIER ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR
FRASIER
Hi Dad.
MARTIN
Hey, Frasier.
FRASIER
What's Niles doing?
MARTIN
Sleeping.
FRASIER
For any particular reason?
MARTIN
My guess would be because he's tired but I spent years piecing together clues and parts of hookers so it's easy for me.
FRASIER
There's no reason to be sarcastic.
MARTIN
He just came in looking like he'd be dragged through a hedge, mumbled something completely incoherent and so high pitched that only dogs could hear it and just fell asleep. He's been there for over an hour without moving. Well except when Eddie started licking his ear, then you'd think he had just attacked him.
FRASIER
Where's Daphne?
MARTIN
She went to the grocery store right before Niles got here. I bet they bumped into each other in the elevator.
FRASIER
(KNOWINGLY) Oh I bet they did.
NILES' LEG SUDDENLY STARTS TO TWITCH
MARTIN
Look at that he's dreaming. Probably about chasing rabbits.
FRASIER
This is Niles we're talking about. The rabbits are probably chasing him.
MARTIN
Did your show go well?
FRASIER
Yes it was fine. You know Dad have you been speed walking with Eddie again? You look really trim.
MARTIN
Nope. But then again Daphne's cooking has the tendency to make you loose weight and a couple of vital organs.
FRASIER
Well you look great what ever the reason.
MARTIN
Are you drunk? You sound as if you're hitting on me.
FRASIER
I'm just complimenting you Dad. Can I get you a beer, pork rinds, find you some sort of sport on the television?
MARTIN
What do you want?
FRASIER
What makes you think I want anything?
MARTIN
You're being overly nice to me, now you're not a woman so you're not hitting on me, I've only just seen Dr. Stewart so I know I'm not dying, which only means you want something.
FRASIER
Oh all right fine. I want you to come on a date with me.
MARTIN
I was right, you are hitting on me! I knew there was something strange about you from birth! No child should be that fussy!
FRASIER
No, no, no, Dad. Jodie takes her mother everywhere with us on our dates. I really like her Dad, so I was hoping you could come along and maybe take her off our hands.
MARTIN
Oh no chance, I'm not getting involved.
FRASIER
Please Dad, Carol is really attractive.
MARTIN
Oh I bet real pretty. Why else would she have to cling on to her daughter and her dates if she looks like someone who should be fending off men with sticks?
FRASIER
All right a thousand dollars.
MARTIN
We have a deal.
FRASIER
You'd really take that much money off me for this? You'd accept a bribe? After you've lived with me for free for eight and a half years?
MARTIN
Oh believe me I've paid for living with you.
AS NILES ROLLS OVER SLIGHTLY AND FALLS OFF THE COUCH WITH A THUD WE:
FADE OUT
(F)
TITLE CARD: "DR. SUESS MANAGED"
FADE IN:
INT. NILES' OFFICE — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/5
(Mrs. Woodson, Niles, Daphne)
NILES SITS BEHIND HIS DESK FIGHTING TO NOT FALL OFF TO SLEEP AS MRS. WOODSON STANDS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF HIS DESK READING FROM A SCHEDULE.
MRS. WOODSON
Your last patient will be here at five and your three o'clock phoned and said he would be running about ten minutes late. Dr. Crane are you all right? Dr. Crane?
NILES
Yes, sorry did you say something?
MRS. WOODSON
Are you feeling all right? Your eyes look a little glassy. You look like my father-in-law after his caterax surgery.
NILES
I'm fine I'm just tired.
MRS. WOODSON
Are you sure? Because that's just what my husband said before he found a lump, he died not long after.
NILES
I'm so terribly sorry. He died of cancer?
MRS. WOODSON
No it was a water skiing accident. He fell forward and impaled himself with his own ski. We all thought he was doing a trick. It wasn't until his grip went on the rope and he got caught up in a passing boats propeller that we even knew something was wrong. But then he would do all these adventurous things because he thought he was dying, in the end it was inevitable.
NILES
How awful, what was the lump?
MRS. WOODSON
Oh that, that was just a mole. If he'd have exercised once in a while before his accident, one he might have lived through it, and two he might have been able to see over his stomach to have noticed that it was a mole shaped like a shoetree.
NILES
Ok...What were we talking about?
MRS. WOODSON
Are you sure you're okay?
NILES
I'm fine, just sleepy.
MRS. WOODSON
Up late on the job again I suppose?
NILES
Something like that yes.
MRS. WOODSON
You really do work too hard. You should spend more time with your fiancée before she thinks you've changed your mind. Can I get you a coffee to perk you up a little?
NILES
Thank you very much.
MRS. WOODSON
I won't be long, our coffee machine is still making it taste like sewer water, I'll have to go next door.
NILES
Okay, thank you.
MRS. WOODSON EXITS AS NILES RUBS HIS EYES BEFORE SETTING OUT TO START WRITING
A BEAT
DAPHNE ENTERS AND KNOCKS ON HIS DOOR. NILES DOESN'T LOOK UP
NILES (CONT'D)
Mrs. Woodson, you don't have to keep knocking, you can just come in.
DAPHNE
Does that rule apply to me?
NILES
Daphne what are you doing here?
DAPHNE
Can't I just drop in and see you?
NILES
Of course you can. I'm sorry. Hi.
NILES GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FRONT OF HIS DESK TO GREET DAPHNE. THEY KISS BEFORE BOTH PERCHING ON THE EDGE OF HIS DESK
NILES (CONT'D)
But you can't stay long I have a patient arriving in about ten minutes.
DAPHNE
That's okay. I'll run along before then. I just wanted to see how your back is after the shower incident. You really should invest in some decent traction decal.
DAPHNE PUTS HER ARM ACROSS HIS BACK AND STARTS TO RUB IT
NILES
It's fine as long as I don't try to sit, stand or lie down.
DAPHNE
So what can you do?
NILES
Crawl up in a ball and wince.
DAPHNE
And you don't think the mentally disturbed will have a problem taking advice from a psychiatrist behaving nuttier then they are?
NILES
Half of them don't know when I'm in the room anyway. That's when I have time to make my grocery store list.
DAPHNE
Do you want me to massage it for you?
NILES
But my patient.
DAPHNE
It's only a quick rub. I'm not going to strip you naked and straddle you on the table rubbing you all over while some poor sod sits in the corner crying and rocking back and forth holding their knees talking about being abused as a child. Now come on, lie down on your couch.
NILES AGREES AND SITS ON THE COUCH
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Although saying that, I could if you wanted to.
NILES LEAPS UP AND SHUTS HIS DOOR
NILES
What doctor needs a license anyway?
AS NILES GRABS DAPHNE AND KISSES HER WE:
FADE OUT
(G)
FADE IN:
EXT. ROZ'S CAR PARKED OUTSIDE HER APARTMENT — EVENING — DAY/5
(Roz, Man, Officer)
ROZ SITS IN HER CAR THAT HAS JUST COME TO A COMPLETE STOP. SHE TURNS OFF THE ENGINE AND TAKES HER KEYS OUT. SHE THEN PICKS UP HER BAG OFF THE PASSENGER SEAT AND GOES TO OPEN THE DOOR WHICH IS STUCK YET AGAIN.
ROZ
Oh my God, no. What is wrong with this car? Open damn you! Where is my cell phone? Having the bill run up by one of Alice's bears I bet. Are the God's conspiring against me? What have I done to offend you? Sure I'm no Sunday school teacher, but if I start confessing now no other person in the Parish will get a look in. Surely I don't deserve this. Hitler got off lighter! First Alice projectile vomits on my dress from across the other side of the room, my date leaves the restaurant because his God damn toupee catches on fire when he leant too close to a candle because he noticed he was drooling again and now I'm locked in my car! Why God don't you just hit me with a bolt of lightening it would be more humane!
A MAN WHO LOOKS AS IF HE'S BEEN SLEEPING RUFF WALKS PAST HER CAR
ROZ (CONT'D)
Hey buddy can you do me a favour?
THE MAN COMES BACK TO HER CAR AND STARTS TO FLICK THE AERIAL
ROZ (CONT'D)
No leave the aerial where it is, it's the only thing that actually works. I'm locked in my car, can you open the door for me and let me out?
MAN
You're real pretty.
ROZ
Yes and so are you in a grotesque toothless one eye kind of way.
MAN
Now you're just trying to seduce me.
ROZ
No trust me I'm really not. Can you just open the door, please? I'll pay you.
MAN
There's no need to pay me, I'll have a bit of sex with you for free. I'll even stay to cuddle.
ROZ
As appealing as that is I just want you to open the door and not touch me. Not even with a ten-foot pole.
MAN
You're playing one of those mind games aren't you? You say no when you really mean yes.
MAN
No. I say no because I really mean no.
MAN
I can buy you a bit of dinner first. I know of a dumpster around the back of a fine Italian restaurant.
ROZ
OK, how can I put this nicely? Can you just go away? I'd rather just have to spend the night in my car.
MAN
Hey honey, don't start the engine if you don't want to drive the car.
THE MAN WALKS AWAY AND EXITS DOWN THE STREET
ROZ
Hey, now that's nice. Well the same to you buddy! Okay how do I get out of here? Daphne if you really are psychic, hear me now and come and rescue me. But don't bring Niles. I don't want to have to try to strangle him tonight. I'm too tired. I wouldn't enjoy it.
A POLICE OFFICER SLOWLY APPROACHES BEHIND ROZ'S CAR WHO SHE SEES IN HER REAR VIEW WINDOW
ROZ (CONT'D)
Wait what's this? Oh thank God the Police. He's really pretty, how do I look? Well I've already attracted one man tonight, that already improved my bating average. Except your talking to yourself which is quite worrying. OK Roz, charm. (SHOUTS THROUGH THE WINDOW) Hello officer. I wasn't speeding was I?
OFFICER
Are you okay ma'am?
ROZ
I'm fine, but I'm locked in my car. The handle is stuck and the window won't open. Can you open it for me?
OFFICER
Certainly.
HE HAS A QUICK STRUGGLE WITH THE HANDLE BUT MANAGES TO OPEN IT AS ROZ STEPS OUT
ROZ
Thank you...Officer Richards.
OFFICER
You should get that looked at.
ROZ
I guess but on the upside if anyone steals it, they'll be caught red handed.
OFFICER
I guess so. Can I have your name please?
HE TAKES OUT A PAD FROM HIS POCKET
ROZ
I thought you'd never ask, it's Roz.
OFFICER
And your surname.
ROZ
Doyle.
OFFICER
How do you spell that please?
ROZ
D..o..y..l..e. You're the first guy to ever write my name down before asking me out on a date. One guy kept calling me Roxanne all the way through dinner. Needless to say nothing came from it.
OFFICER
Ma'am I'm not asking you out on a date.
ROZ
Then what are you doing?
OFFICER
I'm cautioning you for vagrancy. You can't sleep in your car on the sidewalk.
MAN
I already told you, lightening would be more humane.
AS ROZ LOOKS UP TO THE HEAVENS AND THE OFFICER KEEPS WRITING WE:
FADE OUT
(H)
FADE IN:
INT. RESTAURANT — EVENING — DAY/5
(Frasier, Martin, Man, Jodie)
FRASIER AND MARTIN SIT EXQUISITELY DRESSED IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWDED RESTAURANT. MARTIN LOOKS EXTREMELY BORED COMPARED TO FRASIER WHO LOOKS NERVOUS
FRASIER
Will you straighten up?
MARTIN
I'm sorry I wasn't aware I was doing my hunchback impression. Thank God you told me before I started swinging on a rope and screaming about the bells.
FRASIER
That's not what I meant and you know it. Stop slouching.
MARTIN
Oh what's the big deal?
FRASIER
I want you to make a good impression.
MARTIN
What's wrong with me, just being me?
FRASIER
I said make a good impression not scare them both off men completely. Will you just do what I tell you?
MARTIN
Who do you think I am?
FRASIER
A gigolo since you accepted money off me to do this.
MARTIN
Oh all right fine. But putting out is extra.
FRASIER
I don't even want to think about that possibility.
MARTIN
Did you ever think that maybe she won't turn up with her mother tonight?
FRASIER
Trust me she will. You'd think they were joined at the hip.
MARTIN
Maybe they were at some point.
FRASIER
They're mother and daughter not Siamese twins. Have you been drinking?
MARTIN
Just a couple of beers before I was subjected to this torture.
THE SAME MAN FROM A FEW DAYS BEFORE IN NERVOSA WALKS PAST AND HEARS THE NEXT SENTENCE
FRASIER
But I've paid you to come here in the first place.
MAN
Hey there's no need to pay for company you know. There are plenty of guys out there who would just love to have dinner with such a good looking charming man as you.
FRASIER
Yes thank you, wait don't I know you?
MAN
Yeah you were with that woman in Nervosa who I had that thing with.
FRASIER
I was there, there was no thing.
MAN
Is she here? Do you think she'll go out with me?
FRASIER
I shall have to say no to both.
MAN
Well then my offer to you stands, I'm really beginning to get desperate.
MARTIN
And he pays a lot as well, I'm on a thousand.
FRASIER
Dad be quiet. Now off you go.
THE MAN EXITS TOWARDS THE RESTROOM
MARTIN
What was that about?
FRASIER
Trust me you don't want to know. Dad I'm begging you please don't show me up tonight, I really like Jodie. I don't want you to scare her off.
MARTIN
I take offence to that. When I have I ever scared off one of your dates?
FRASIER
Are you forgetting when that woman from the bookstore finally agreed to go out with me? She came around for brunch and you were at the breakfast table with a sausage hanging from your mouth, in your underwear and that ridiculous Viking hat.
MARTIN
It was Halloween.
FRASIER
Yes but you're supposed to scare small children not terrify my dates half to death. She thought you were insane and presumed it would be hereditary.
MARTIN
Where are they anyway? I'm starving. I could eat a whole cow.
FRASIER
That is precisely the kind of thing I'm talking about.
MARTIN
It's an expression. You don't really expect me to have an entire cow wheeled in here and chew on a hoof while you make small talk and pass the butter.
JODIE ENTERS THROUGH THE MAIN ENTRANCE AND SLOWLY MAKES HER WAY TOWARDS THE TABLE
FRASIER
Hush up here she is.
MARTIN
Is her mother invisible or just really short?
FRASIER STANDS TO GREET JODIE
FRASIER
Jodie hello. How are you?
JODIE
Erm...I'm just fine thanks. We're sharing a table?
FRASIER
Oh no, sorry, let me make the introductions. Jodie Lane this is my father Martin Crane. Dad this is Jodie.
MARTIN
Pleased to meet you.
JODIE
Likewise I'm sure. This is certainly a surprise.
THEY SHAKE HANDS
FRASIER
Where is your mother tonight?
JODIE
I'm not sure. At home I guess.
FRASIER
Oh really? Excuse me. Dad can I have a word with you?
FRASIER GRABS MARTIN BY THE ARM AND LEADS HIM TOWARDS THE BAR. AS SOON AS THEY ARE OUT OF EARSHOT JODIE TAKES OUT HER CELL PHONE AND DIALS
JODIE
(INTO PHONE) Hello Helen? Oh my God you'll never guess what has happened. I'm on my date and he's bought his father along. I know how weird is that? If he brings him on a date he'll have no problem with having him sleep at the end of the bed. So what do you think I should do? You don't think he'll notice me sneaking out? You're right who cares? He's a freak. I'm out of here.
JODIE HANGS UP THE PHONE
MARTIN
Joined at the hip? She must be a tiny, tiny woman then.
FRASIER
I don't understand what's going on?
MARTIN
You've been hallucinating again.
FRASIER
Why has she suddenly stopped bringing her?
MARTIN
Frasier what is your problem? You've been complaining because she takes her everywhere and you have no time alone. You make me come to get rid of her and now she hasn't turned up, you're not happy.
FRASIER
Then what exactly is my problem? Now off you go.
MARTIN
But what about my dinner?
FRASIER
Ah I see, that's my problem, you won't leave now. Can't you go and have a meal at Duke's?
MARTIN
Oh fine, I can afford it. I have a thousand dollars weighing my pocket down.
FRASIER
You are not keeping that money.
MARTIN
You asked me to come to dinner, I've come to dinner. Is it my fault it didn't turn out like you thought?
FRASIER
But you haven't done anything.
JODIE GETS UP TO SNEAK OUT BUT MARTIN SPOTS HER
MARTIN
Isn't that Jodie just getting up to leave?
FRASIER
Oh my God. All I asked you to do was not scare her off and look what you've done.
MARTIN
Me? You're the one whose been talking to her imaginary mother.
FRASIER RACES ACROSS THE ROOM AND CATCHES UP WITH JODIE BY THE DOOR
FRASIER
Jodie, Jodie. Where are you going?
JODIE
I'm sorry Frasier but this just isn't going to work out.
FRASIER
Why not?
JODIE
I'm sorry Frasier I think you're a really nice guy, but your father? I'm sorry. I can't deal with a guy who is so emotionally insecure that he has to bring his father on dates with him for a bit of support. It's not your fault you're emotionally stunted. Those apron strings should have been cut a long time ago. Good-bye.
JODIE EXITS AS FRASIER STARES AFTER HER LOOKING STUNNED. HE EVENTUALLY TURNS AROUND TO SEE A COUPLE LOOKING AT HIM ODDLY
FRASIER
What are you all looking at me like that for? She did it first. She brought her mother on two dates.
AS FRASIER MAKES HIS WAY BACK TO HIS TABLE WE:
FADE OUT
(I)
FADE IN:
INT. NILES' RECEPTION — EVENING — DAY/5
(Mrs. Woodson, Niles, Patient)
MRS. WOODSON STANDS STARING AT THE DOOR TO NILES' OFFICE AS A PATIENT LIES ASLEEP ON ONE OF THE CHAIRS OUTSIDE. MRS. WOODSON LOOKS AT HER WATCH AND THEN CONSIDERS KNOCKING ON THE DOOR BUT CHANGES HER MIND. INSTEAD SHE PRESSES THE INTERCOM ON THE PHONE AND SPEAKS INTO IT
MRS. WOODSON
Dr. Crane should I send Mr. Jones home? He's been waiting five hours for his appointment.
NILES (VO)
Yes just send him home and rearranged all the appointments I've missed today first thing in the morning, you can go yourself now.
MRS. WOODSON
Are you okay in there?
NILES (VO)
I'm fine. I'm just continuing an emergency appointment with one of my sexual obsessives.
AS MRS. WOODSON TRIES TO WAKE UP THE PATIENT WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWOCLOSING CREDITS: FRASIER AND MARTIN SIT AT THE TABLE IN THE RESTAURANT WAITING FOR THE CHEQUE AFTER HAVING STAYED THERE AND EATEN AFTER ALL. WHEN THE WAITER FINALLY BRINGS THE CHEQUE FRASIER TAKES ONE LOOK AT IT AND THEN PASSES IT TO MARTIN. MARTIN THEN LOOKS AT IT AND HANDS IT BACK TO FRASIER WHO THEN GESTURES TOWARDS MARTIN'S WALLET AND HANDS THE CHEQUE BACK. THIS CONTINUES AND BECOMES MORE AGGRESSIVE THE LONGER IT GOES ON.
