I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Grub Street Productions and Paramount Pictures.

Thanks to everyone who sent feedback last time. I'm sorry this one took so long to get finished but pesky degree courses seem to be getting in my way. Please send all feedback, small mammals painted different colours and turned into hats, life size cut outs of Hollywood stars and Star Wars toys to kelly_simba@hotmail.com

Enjoy...


Frasier
Alternative Season Nine Episode Twelve
The Life of Frasier

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

TITLE CARD: "MEET DOCTOR FAUSTUS CRANE"

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — MORNING — DAY/1
(Niles, Daphne, Martin, Frasier, Bebe)

DAPHNE STANDS IN THE KITCHEN HEATING UP A FRYING PAN ON THE STOVE WITH ONE HAND AND WHISKING A MIXTURE IN A JUG WITH THE OTHER HAND. NILES ENTERS.

NILES

There you are.

HE KISSES HER CHEEK

NILES (CONT'D)

I wondered where you'd snuck off to. When I rolled over and you weren't there I thought I was having that Beethoven in space dream again and you were tuning the piano with your unicorns.

DAPHNE

I've been up for hours. You were making that noise in your sleep again. I had to get out before the noise started to make my ears bleed. Or more importantly before I smothered you.

MARTIN ENTERS

NILES

(HURT) I don't make a noise when I sleep.

MARTIN

Yes you do. I can hear you and I'm sleeping clear across the other side of the apartment. When you stay over I have to put a pair of earmuffs on Eddie because the noise makes him whine, foam at the mouth, run around in circles and then pull a chunk of my hair out. Your snoring is making me go bald; I'm surprised I haven't started to look like Frasier.

NILES

I don't snore.

MARTIN STARTS TO MAKE SOME COFFEE

DAPHNE

To be fair you don't. It's more like some really out of tune harmonica rattling around in your nose. It puts me in mind of the Police sirens back in Manchester when there was a riot. When you heard that noise you knew some poor yob was about to be blasted with the water cannon while carrying a microwave under one arm and a television under the other and hurdling on fire bushes down the high street. It got so high pitched this morning a pigeon flew into the window. It's a good job the window was shut. I don't know if it was trying to get in to peck your eyes out or mate with you.

NILES

Was it okay?

DAPHNE

I think so. I doubt it really needed those extra fathers and organs that were smeared on the window. I'm not looking forward to scraping that lot off with a spatula later.

MARTIN

Suddenly I don't feel like bacon anymore.

NILES

You're not exactly the quietest sleeper yourself chatty.

DAPHNE

What does that mean?

NILES

I've had an entire conversation with you before now in the middle of the night until I realised you were fast asleep.

DAPHNE

What was I saying?

NILES

Something about a leprechaun in a pair of flannel pants.

DAPHNE

How do you know I was asleep?

NILES

When's the last time we had a conversation like that?

DAPHNE

How about right now?

NILES

Okay you've got me there.

MARTIN STARES AT WHAT DAPHNE IS DOING

MARTIN

What are you making for breakfast?

DAPHNE

Unless I've managed to produce this milk myself without noticing, nothing. Here eat your bran flakes.

DAPHNE HANDS MARTIN HIS BOWL OF BRAN FLAKES BEFORE HE STARTS TO STIR THE MIXTURE IN THE JUG WITH GREAT DIFFICULTY

MARTIN

What's this then? It looks like something formally custard or wallpaper paste. You could glue the wing on a jet with that.

DAPHNE

I'm trying to perfect my batter ready for Pancake Day.

NILES

Pancake Day? You have a day set aside just for eating pancakes?

DAPHNE

Yeah on Shrove Tuesday.

MARTIN

(SOTTO TO NILES) It's an English thing just humour her before she moves on to raw pigs feet and giblets day.

DAPHNE

(TO NILES) And guess what. You're going to be my guinea pig. After you've eaten these, I'll try another batch until I get the ingredients just right. By the time I'm done you'll have eaten so many pancakes they'll be coming out of your ears.

NILES

But what about Dad? Why can't he help?

MARTIN

You heard what my health care specialist said I'm only allowed bran flakes.

MARTIN EXITS WITH HIS BRAN FLAKES AS NILES STARES AFTER HIM WORRIED

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN ENTERS THE EMPTY ROOM AND SITS DOWN AT THE DINNING TABLE GRINNING TO HIMSELF

MARTIN (CONT'D)

(RE: BRAN FLAKES) And I've never been more pleased to see them.

FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS BEDROOM

FRASIER

Good morning everyone.

MARTIN

You're cheery this morning. Have you gone a day without finding a load of hair on your pillow? Don't get too excited, it's just leading you into a false sense of security either that or you rolled over in the night and swallowed it.

NILES ENTERS WITH A RATHER SAD LOOKING PANCAKE ON A PLATE AND SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE STARING AT IT RATHER WORRIEDLY

FRASIER

And suddenly I'm suicidal again. (RE: PANCAKE) What's that?

NILES

Daphne's made a pancake.

FRASIER

Out of what? A boot?

NILES

It's melting the pattern off the plate.

NILES STABS IT WITH HIS FORK AND PICKS UP A PIECE OF MEAT

NILES (CONT'D)

What is this? Do you suppose this raw meat is meant to be included?

DAPHNE ENTERS WITH THE COFFEE AS NILES IMMEDIATELY PUTS THE MEAT IN HIS MOUTH AND CHEWS PRETENDING TO ENJOY IT BUT FAILING BADLY

DAPHNE

Eat that one up, then try one from my second batch and see which you think is the best. I've even attempted to make some homemade maple syrup. It's a little of the thick side. You may need to cut it with the scissor when you've finished pouring, just like Grammy Moon used to make.

DAPHNE EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN AS MARTIN PICKS UP THE JUG WITH THE MAPLE SYRUP IN AND TURNS IT UPSIDE DOWN. NOT A DROP POURS OUT

FRASIER

And the mystery surrounding Grammy Moon's sudden death becomes clearer and clearer.

MARTIN

Yeah she probably clubbed herself to death with this.

NILES

Dad do you still have your gun.

MARTIN

I'd love to help you son, but if you don't eat them, she'll make me do it and I'm an old man, it would kill me quicker. At least with you we'll know the signs and you'll have a chance to survive with all your organs intact. Whether or not they'll be functioning is another question.

FRASIER

Aren't you just the little ray of sunshine today.

DAPHNE RE-ENTERS AND SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE

MARTIN

Well I've lost the TV remote.

DAPHNE

How can you loose it? It's the size of a breezeblock. I think that's what sank the Titanic.

MARTIN

I don't know how but I have. Someone must have moved it.

FRASIER

Why are you looking at me? Yes I moved it. I keep it under my pillow in case we are burgled and then I can blink the robber to death with the little red light on the top.

DAPHNE

Why don't you just walk up to it and switch it on?

MARTIN

Because that's defeating the object.

NILES

I was switched at birth, I'm sure of it.

FRASIER

Well then so was I as well.

NILES

Impossible, you have Dad's chubby thighs.

DAPHNE

Well to make up for it, you can test some of these.

DAPHNE PUSHES A PLATE OF PANCAKES TOWARDS HIM

MARTIN

I no, really Daph I'm fine with my bran flakes. Mumm...yum.

DAPHNE

You hate those bran flakes.

MARTIN

No I don't I love them. Where would you get such a ridiculous notion?

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER GETS UP AND CROSSES TO ANSWER THE DOOR

NILES

You always try to feed them to Eddie when no one is looking.

MARTIN

And you get that I hate them from that?

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND BEBE ENTERS

FRASIER

Bebe! What can I do for you so early on a Sunday?

NILES

Well she can't go to church. The building would melt when it rained sulphur as she walked in.

BEBE

Niles how nice to see you. I'm lying of course. Now, Frasier! Frasier, Frasier, Frasier! How long has it been?

NILES

Nearly two months but we all still wake up shrieking.

BEBE

How are you my number one client, my shinning beacon of the airwaves?

MARTIN

Well I'm feeling nauseous listening to you from all the way over here, so Frasier must be feeling terminally ill standing next to you.

BEBE

Oh Martin, you're still alive.

FRASIER

Can we end the pleasantries now please? Don't make me send you all to your rooms. I'm fine thank you Bebe now what can I do for you?

BEBE

It's not what you can do for me but what I've done for you.

NILES

Hold her there Frasier I'll get the hammer and the stake she's sold your soul to the devil.

FRASIER

What have you done? Who have you choked this time for the sake of my career? That Nun may have been slightly abusive on the phone the other day but she was drunk.

BEBE

No one dear, it's just that...why no one has been making those baby blues cry recently have they? Just tell Auntie Bebe all about it and I shall put it right.

FRASIER

No I'm fine Bebe.

NILES

Although if anything were wrong surely wouldn't you see it in your cauldron?

DAPHNE CUTS UP A PIECE OF PANCAKE FROM ANOTHER BATCH AND MAKES NILES EAT IT

DAPHNE

Here eat this.

BEBE

Thank you Daphne. Frasier have you ever seen those biographies on NBC, those Life and Times programmes of the rich and famous?

MARTIN

I thought that show got cancelled.

DAPHNE

No it's still running. I saw it the other day in the early hours when I couldn't sleep, but they only have minor celebrities that you've never heard of before on there now. They had that dog off that sitcom on there when I saw it.

BEBE

And the next subject of their show is going to be the one and only Dr. Frasier Crane.

FRASIER

Me?

BEBE

Yes you. The life and times of Frasier Crane broadcast on a major network for all the country to see.

NILES

Only if they change their sleeping habits.

DAPHNE

That one will definitely knock me out cold next time I can't sleep, possibly permanently.

MARTIN

They're going to fill an entire hour about Frasier?

BEBE

Of course.

MARTIN

Aren't these shows supposed to be interesting? I guess they could just pad it out with lots of photographs and commercials.

AS FRASIER GLARES AT MARTIN AND BEBE MAKES HERSELF COMFORTABLE WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

FADE IN:

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/2
(Frasier, Roz)

FRASIER ENTERS INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH TO SEE ROZ BEHIND THE GLASS IN A PAIR OF RUBBER GLOVES CLEANING ANYTHING IN SIGHT

FRASIER

How long has it been traditional for producers to wear rubber gloves and clench a bottle of bleach during a radio show?

ROZ

My Grandfather is coming.

FRASIER

What here? Now? You've not put him in one of your drawers over there have you? He might pop a hip when you try to pry him out.

ROZ

No next week to my house. I have to make sure that everything is clean before he gets here.

FRASIER

So he's not actually coming to the station?

ROZ

Not unless they've installed a stair lift while I've been in here.

FRASIER

Can't he use the elevator?

ROZ

He gets claustrophobic and has a tendency to loose control of his bodily functions. Trust me you do not want to use the shower after him. You come out dirtier then when you went in and not just because he has the tendency to sit in the bathroom and watch you without you knowing.

FRASIER

Okay so he's not coming here.

ROZ

That's right.

FRASIER

So why are you cleaning the booth?

ROZ

Because he's a clean freak. He's worse then Niles. The last time he came if I didn't hoover every twenty minutes he'd get his oxygen mask out that he carries everywhere. He had the thing permanently strapped to his face. It was like staying with Darth Vadar.

FRASIER

Roz I don't understand.

ROZ

You see Darth Vadar is a...

FRASIER

Oh please Roz I do know a little something about rap music thanks to Freddie. But your Grandfather is not coming here. So why are you cleaning the booth? Have you installed a camera for him or does he have a dirt radar?

ROZ

He'll know if I've been anywhere that's dirty which means that my social life has been put on hold. Everywhere I go has to be spotless.

FRASIER

Well feel free to come and clean my place, I'm sure Daphne won't mind. Are you going to at least stop that during the show? Scrubwomen have the habit of distracting me especially if they are Eastern European scrubwomen.

ROZ

Believe me I can do both.

FRASIER

Shouldn't you be giving all your attention to the show?

ROZ

Well if I have to but talk about clique. I have been known to make my grocery list, book a hair appointment, choose a hotel from a brochure for my vacation and complete a two hundred-piece jigsaw puzzle. Oh don't pull that face, it was work related, it was a bowl of nuts. What were you grinning about when you came in here or did you just have a bad case of wind?

FRASIER

Guess who is having a documentary made about them by Life and Times on NBC?

ROZ

Cher?

FRASIER

No guess again.

ROZ

Well obviously you otherwise you wouldn't have brought it up. Why are they making one about you? Are you dying and you haven't told me?

FRASIER

Because I'm interesting.

ROZ

No really, why?

FRASIER

Because I'm an interesting person and Bebe set it up for me to raise my profile.

ROZ

And her bank balance, I should have known that witch woman was involved.

FRASIER

May I remind you that she's your agent too?

ROZ

That's why I can say these things about her. I don't need to dial the phone to call her, I just hold a pointer over the phone like a Ouija board and the devil's dial for me.

FRASIER

You don't complain when she puts food on the table.

ROZ

No only about the little scratch marks she makes on my floor from her hooves. I can't understand why you're defending her. You drop her at least once a month like radioactive waste. At least I put up with her long term.

FRASIER

She's got me this documentary. It's a ton of free publicity and all I have to do is answer a few questions on camera.

ROZ

There has to be a catch.

FRASIER

Nonsense.

ROZ

Okay fine. You're on in three.

FRASIER PUTS HIS HEADPHONES ON AND GOES ON AIR

FRASIER

Hello Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane and I'll be with you for the next three hours as soon as we've had some more fabulous commercials.

FRASIER GOES OFF AIR AND SPRINTS INTO ROZ'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH

FRASIER (CONT'D)

What kind of catch?

ROZ

Do you even know what these documentaries are like?

FRASIER

Well they are...I'm sure they...no. This is going to be bad isn't it?

ROZ

I'm just saying, know what you're letting yourself in for. If it's the kind that makes Charles Manson look like Mary Poppins then great, but if it's vice versa, you're in trouble. I sure wouldn't want them broadcasting things like Lilith and the eco-pod, Diane, even trying to kill yourself on a documentary. That's not going to help someone who tries to dish out mental health. Swimming in Puget Sound, drunk, dressed as the Pope would be less damaging.

FRASIER

How do you know all that?

ROZ

Oh you know, I talk to your family, read your mail, look you up on the Internet you know the usual.

FRASIER

They wouldn't bring all that up would they?

ROZ

It's about your life what else are they going to do it about?

FRASIER

Just remember I want you to use discretion when they interview you about certain events.

ROZ

They're going to interview me?

FRASIER

Of course they are. They want to interview everybody.

ROZ

What am I supposed to say?

FRASIER

They want you to say how brilliant and talented I am.

ROZ

Well sure if they want me to lie.

AS FRASIER EXITS BACK INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH AND GOES BACK ON AIR WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

TITLE CARD: "IN FRASIER'S DEFENCE THE CALLER THOUGHT HE WAS A KITTEN"

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/2
(Frasier, Niles, Roz, Bebe)

FRASIER AND NILES SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF NERVOSA

FRASIER

Have you got your prescription pad with you?

NILES

Sure.

NILES GETS HIS PAD FROM HIS BRIEFCASE AND GOES TO HAND IT TO FRASIER BUT THEN STOPS

NILES (CONT'D)

What for? I'm not signing anything if you're self-mediating again. The last time we found you barking and trying to have a conversation with Eddie.

FRASIER

You make it sound strange.

NILES

Eddie wasn't in the room. He was at the park with Dad and you were on air in your radio booth supposedly helping some poor man with an identity crisis.

FRASIER

This is exactly why I need your prescription pad. I need to make a list of things that they can not include in this documentary to give to Bebe and I don't have any paper on me, that incident would be one of them.

NILES

Can I help?

FRASIER

Yes that's what you're here for.

NILES HANDS HIM THE PAD

NILES

Really? I thought I was here to get a coffee. But anyway, this should be fun too, digging through your humiliating past and highlighting the most painfully excruciating details.

FRASIER

I don't need your jokes, I need you input.

NILES

I can't really think of anything right now. I'll get my thinking cap on.

FRASIER

What are you doing here anyway? I thought you were having lunch with Daphne at my place?

NILES

I was but Daphne wants me to test more pancake mix. I felt like I ate a lump of clay yesterday, so I've altered my plans.

FRASIER

To what?

NILES

To leave Dad there to do it and survive.

FRASIER

You've left that poor old man to...

NILES

Ooh, I've got one.

FRASIER

Got one what?

NILES

Thing to put on your list, having sex with Kate on the air.

FRASIER

That's a good one.

NILES

Lilith leaving you to run off with that French scientist to an underground eco-pod.

FRASIER

That one goes right to the top of the list.

NILES

I've got another one. Diane leaving you at the alter. I'm hot now.

FRASIER

You know you're having too much fun with this.

NILES

Trying to kill yourself over Lilith leaving you.

FRASIER

Did you tell Roz that?

NILES

Maybe. It's hard to remember. We tell each other so many things.

FRASIER

Since when?

NILES

Sleeping with your piano teacher.

FRASIER

Really that long ago? I didn't think you'd met until I moved back to Seattle. You know Niles...

NILES

Getting everyone at the station fired.

FRASIER

Niles I think you've helped enough.

ROZ ENTERS AND SITS WITH THEM

NILES

(SULKING) Fine spoil all my fun. Just when I'd found a game I was good at.

ROZ

What's going on?

NILES

We're making a list of all the humiliating things that have happened to Frasier. It's a lot of fun you should try it. It's really refreshing for the soul.

ROZ

OK how about sleeping with your agent, which causes her to try and kill herself. That was a flattering compliment. The only thing worse would have been the experience making her realise she was actually a lesbian.

NILES

That's a great one I forgot that.

FRASIER

OK now you're just being mean for the fun of it I'm not sitting with you two anymore.

ROZ

Oh stop being a baby. Why are you doing this anyway?

FRASIER

I need a list of things for Bebe to give to the producers of that documentary to cut out.

ROZ

You're going to give the list to them? Why not do all their research for them?

FRASIER

Yes, I might as well just tie the noose myself shouldn't I?

BEBE ENTERS AND JOINS THEM

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Here's Bebe.

NILES

Oh yes I wondered why I'd suddenly gone blind.

BEBE

I could have told you years ago, that unless you stopped it you'd go blind. But that's the price you pay for being single and desperate.

NILES

I'm engaged.

BEBE

Congratulations, your mail order bride has finally arrived. Most of them are so desperate they don't care who they get sold to. I can't stay long Frasier I have to sort out a hotel while my house is being renovated.

NILES

I've got an attic you can hang upside down in.

FRASIER

You're getting your house renovated?

BEBE

Yes I've suddenly come into some money.

NILES

Let me guess you sold your Grandmother to a dog food factory?

BEBE

My career has been on the up recently, unfortunately something I'm sure you can't say in reference to any part of you.

FRASIER

Bebe I've made a small list of incidents that I'd appreciate if they weren't put in the documentary.

ROZ

A small list? If we'd have kept going you'd have needed a second roll of toilet paper.

FRASIER

Do you two mind?

BEBE

Frasier don't worry about it. I have a special relationship with the producers down there and they've assured me that any mentions of anything delicate will be handled with the utmost care with you painted as the victim.

ROZ

How can you make him the victim when he had sex with his boss on the air?

NILES

The best thing you can hope for is pitied.

BEBE

Trust me leave it to Auntie Bebe and everything will be fine.

NILES

I believe she said the same thing to Hitler. Start job hunting.

BEBE

I'll call you later.

BEBE GLARES AT NILES AND THEN EXITS. ONCE SHE'S GONE ROZ STARTS TO LOOK CLOSELY AT THE TABLE. SHE THEN GETS OUT A DUST BUSTER FROM HER PURSE AND STARTS TO HOOVER UP THE CRUMBS OFF THE TABLE

FRASIER

Roz what are you doing?

ROZ

There are crumbs.

FRASIER

But they're not the size of mountain lions gnawing on your fingertips.

ROZ

Trust me he'll know.

NILES

Roz before you put that away would you mind?

ROZ STARTS TO HOOVER NILES TIE AND SHIRT FRONT

FRASIER

That is by far and away the most frightening thing I have ever seen.

AS ROZ PUTS THE DUST BUSTER AWAY AND FRASIER ROLLS HIS EYES WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(D)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — AFTERNOON — DAY/3
(Frasier, Roz, Niles, Daphne, Martin, Eddie)

FRASIER, WHO IS ON THE PHONE, OPENS THE DOOR TO ROZ WHO IS CARRYING A BUCKET FULL OF CLEANING UTENSILS

FRASIER

Oh hi Roz. Did we order a bucket instead of a pizza?

ROZ

No but I'm running out of things to do with my Grandfather so he's spending some time here. Maybe he'll bond with your father or just fall asleep drooling in the corner. Either way it's good for me at least I won't have to entertain him.

FRASIER

How is he going to get up here?

ROZ

The elevator.

FRASIER

I thought he had trouble riding in the elevator.

ROZ

He does that why I'm bringing him a change of clothes and you're going to have a hot bath ready for him and a bottle of bleach.

FRASIER

I'm suddenly so excited by this visit and by the fact that the elevator is opposite my front door, so whenever it opens all smells will be wafted into my apartment. Where is he now?

ROZ

He's napping in the car.

FRASIER

Please tell me he's not in the trunk.

ROZ

No I had to sedate him to get him in the car so he fell asleep with his head in Alice's booster seat when he was climbing in the car. I nearly trapped his foot in the door. Who are you talking to?

FRASIER

You.

ROZ

On the phone, you know that thing in your hand.

FRASIER

I'm trying to get hold of Lilith, I'm on hold at her lab. Her little winged monkeys are out trying to track her down.

ROZ

Why are you calling Lilith? Martin, Frasier is calling Lilith, get in here! Help me hold him down while Niles sedates him and gives him a lobotomy!

FRASIER

I have to talk to her about the documentary. I don't want her saying anything.

ROZ

What embarrassing?

FRASIER

At all. Lilith probably has more dirt on me then anyone else. Can you imagine what kind of picture she could paint of me?

ROZ

I'd rather not, especially as Freddie proves what you got up to.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE STANDS OVER THE STOVE MAKING YET MORE PANCAKES AS NILES WATCHES HER AND MARTIN FIDDLES WITH A STICK AND SOME DUCT TAPE

NILES

Isn't that enough now? I'm telling you batch thirty-seven was the best one, make those ones on Pancake Day.

DAPHNE

I will if you can tell me what was so special about them.

NILES

You made them crunchier then the rest?

DAPHNE

No I used nutmeg in them.

NILES

Oh yes that was it. That's the one I ate before the one that made me vomit.

DAPHNE

How can you tell?

NILES

I tasted the nutmeg again on the way up. It's not a pleasant sensation. Dad what are you doing?

MARTIN

Do you think if I use duct tape on Eddie it will hurt when I take it off again?

DAPHNE

Are you intending on giving him a bald patch?

MARTIN

(RE: STICK) I want to attach this to his head.

NILES

Because he's not mocked enough in the dog park?

MARTIN

So he can turn the television over.

NILES

I always thought Eddie was more of a radio fan. Although I have seen him before now sitting on the balcony reading philosophy, he's more of a bookworm then he lets on. I know he's a member of Oprah's Book Club.

MARTIN

My remote is still missing. I know it didn't get up and walk out of the apartment on it's own. It would never have jumped up and reached the door handle let alone the elevator button.

DAPHNE

It could have pushed a chair over there.

NILES

So you intend to make Eddie your television slave now?

MARTIN

Do I tell you how to run your life?

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER IS NOW STANDING BY THE ISLAND STILL WAITING ON THE PHONE AS ROZ WIPES MARTIN'S TABLE. SHE THEN TAKES THE PHONE FROM FRASIER AND STARTS TO WIPE THAT AS WELL

FRASIER

Roz. Roz. I need that.

ROZ

Can't you use another phone?

FRASIER

No, I want to use this one.

ROZ GIVES HIM BACK THE PHONE BEFORE SHE GETS OUT A CAN OF AIR FRESHENER AND SPRAYS ALL AROUND FRASIER WHO BEGINS TO COUGH BECAUSE OF IT

FRASIER (CONT'D)

And I don't want to choke to death on air freshener. My taste buds will never be the same again.

ROZ

Oh quit complaining.

FRASIER

I know I've been standing here a while but I don't need dusting as well Roz. (INTO PHONE) Ooh Lilith, it's me. Listen this is important. Well yes the well being of my son is important as well. I was going to ask how he was after we'd discussed this. Oh fine, how if Frederick? What kind of rash? The gerbil again? Tell him he's got to put a harness on the thing before it gets stuck down the drain again. Okay, now there might be a documentary crew on their way around... Oh really? Already? Over a month ago? I only learnt about it myself on Sunday. What did you tell them? I take it you neglected certain elements that would have made us both look bad? Oh all right made me look bad. Oh you didn't. The blender? Lilith what were you thinking? Do you have any idea what they're going to do with that? Why have I done it? To raise my profile and because of that it'll only raise the amount of heavy breathing phone calls I get a week. Yes all right. Bye Lilith.

FRASIER LOOKING RATHER DISGRUNTLED HANGS UP THE PHONE

ROZ

What happened with the blender?

FRASIER

Just shut up and clean.

FRASIER DIALS ANOTHER NUMBER

FRASIER (CONT'D)

(INTO PHONE) Hello Diane it's Frasier. I know this is out of the blue but I really need to talk to you.

ROZ EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE CONTINUES TO MAKE PANCAKES WITH NILES WATCHING ON AND MARTIN ATTACHING THE STICK ONTO EDDIE'S COLLAR AS ROZ ENTERS

ROZ

What happened between Frasier, Lilith and a blender?

NILES

Trust me you don't need the imagery.

ROZ

Oh go on tell me.

NILES GOES TO SPEAK BUT IS INTERRUPTED

MARTIN

Quietly, I've barely forgotten the details of it, I don't want it all brought back.

NILES WHISPERS INTO ROZ EAR. HER MOUTH IMMEDIATELY DROPS OPEN AND SHE QUICKLY EXITS BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER REMAINS AS BEFORE TALKING ON THE PHONE AS ROZ ENTERS AND SLAPS HIM ACROSS THE ARM

FRASIER

What was that for? (INTO PHONE) Nothing, someone just hit me.

MARTIN ENTERS CARRYING EDDIE WITH THE STICK ATTACHED TO HIS COLLAR WHICH SITS ON HIS HEAD

FRASIER (CONT'D)

(INTO PHONE) Excuse me a second Diane. (TO MARTIN) Dad what are you doing? If you wanted to fire an arrow into Eddie's head you could have least have told me so we could have done it properly.

MARTIN PUSHES EDDIE TOWARDS THE TELEVISION AND GETS HIM TO TRY TO PUSH THE BUTTON WITH HIS STICK

MARTIN

Good boy, press the button. No not off.

MARTIN GETS UP AND SWITCHES THE TELEVISION ON

ROZ

Don't use your bare finger you'll get finger marks all over the button.

MARTIN

When did we hire a Nazi cleaner?

ROZ

Is there any chance you'll let me disinfect your chair?

MARTIN

How can I put this nicely? Not a hope in hell.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE AND NILES STARE INTENTLY AT A FAILED PANCAKE ATTEMPT CURRENTLY COOKING AWAY IN A FRYING PAN

DAPHNE

I know what my problem is. I'm not tossing them properly. I can't keep turning them over with a knife they keep falling apart.

NILES

Frasier won't let us toss them in the air, you know what he was like with that pizza dough.

DAPHNE

Well that got away from me a little, this won't. But to be on the safe side stand guard at the door. Okay here I go.

NILES STANDS GUARD AT THE KITCHEN DOOR AS DAPHNE PICKS UP THE FRYING PAN AND TOSSES THE PANCAKE INTO THE AIR. NILES LOOKS AWAY AT THIS POINT TO CHECK ON THE WHEREABOUTS OF FRASIER. DAPHNE TOSSES THE PANCAKE JUST A LITTLE TOO VIOLENTLY AND IT HITS THE CEILING AND STAYS THERE. SHE STARES AT IT BEFORE NILES TURNS BACK AROUND

NILES

How did you do? Where is it?

DAPHNE

I may have had an accident with it.

NILES

Where did it go? The same place as the television remote?

DAPHNE

Heads up.

DAPHNE POINTS TO THE CEILING AND NILES LOOKS UP

NILES

Oh no, how do we get it down?

NILES JUMPS UP AND TRIES TO GET IT DOWN BUT CAN'T REACH

DAPHNE

Wait it'll just fall down.

NILES

That's what Dad said when he got his spray cheese on the ceiling. You can still see where it discoloured the tiles.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER STANDS BY THE WINDOW STILL TALKING ON THE PHONE AS MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR AND REMOVES THE STICK FROM EDDIE AND ROZ CLEANS THE COFFEE TABLE

ROZ

Couldn't you just buy one of those multi-purpose remotes?

MARTIN

I tried it. Every time, I pressed the volume the microwave would suddenly go berserk and the power button seemed to be having a dangerous effect on Mr. Wilson's pacemaker down the hall.

ROZ

Does Eddie look as if he needs a bath to you?

MARTIN

You know it's time when his fur gets crunchy.

ROZ RUFFLES EDDIE'S FUR

ROZ

He feels like cardboard.

MARTIN

That's part of the devise for the television.

NILES ENTERS AND PICKS UP A CHAIR FROM THE DINNING TABLE

ROZ

What are you doing?

NILES

Nothing. We just need a chair. You never know when a lion might appear in the kitchen.

NILES TAKES THE CHAIR AND QUICKLY EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

MARTIN

Don't worry about it. Pancake poisoning.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

NILES PLACES THE CHAIR UNDER THE PANCAKE AND BALANCING HIMSELF AGAINST THE ISLAND CLIMBS ON IT WITH DAPHNE STANDING GUARD AT THE DOOR

NILES

Okay, hand me a knife.

DAPHNE HANDS HIM A KNIFE

DAPHNE

Be careful with it. Scrape it off in one piece and you can still eat it.

NILES

Oh joy.

DAPHNE LOOKS OUT THE DOOR TO CHECK ON FRASIER

DAPHNE

He's coming get down.

NILES GETS DOWN OFF THE CHAIR AND HIDES IT BEHIND THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ISLAND

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Where's the pancake?

NILES

I didn't have time to pry it completely off.

FRASIER ENTERS STILL TALKING ON THE PHONE AS NILES AND DAPHNE FREEZE AND JUST STARE AT HIM

FRASIER

(INTO PHONE) Oh Diane how could you? Couldn't you have found anything more embarrassing about me to tell them? Do you have any idea what that'll do to me reputation? That's really helpful saying the facts don't lie. I'm going to be humiliated. Oh all right. Okay. Bye. (HANGS UP PHONE) I don't believe how this day is turning out. Lilith and Diane have told that crew some of the most humiliating things imaginable. Granted, thankfully they've cut out the worse parts, but I feel I need those in now to defend myself against the other things. I'm going to be a laughing stock, Roz is in there cleaning anything that's still for longer then a minute, Dad's turning Eddie into a unicorn, I'm beginning to think you two are the only normal people I can be around.

SUDDENLY THE PANCAKE FALLS OFF THE CEILING AND LANDS ON FRASIER'S HEAD. HE TURNS TO NILES AND DAPHNE AND GLARES AT THEM

DAPHNE

(CHEERILY) It's got blueberries in it.

EDDIE ENTERS AND STARTS TO JUMP UP FRASIER'S LEG AFTER THE PANCAKE

NILES

(TO DAPHNE) Well Eddie seems to be quite fond of it.

AS FRASIER TAKES THE PANCAKE OFF HIS HEAD AND NILES AND DAPHNE QUICKLY MOVE AWAY FROM HIM WE:

FADE OUT

(E)

FADE IN:

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/4
(Frasier, Roz, Bebe)

FRASIER ENTERS INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH TO FIND ROZ THERE WEARING WHAT LOOKS LIKE A CLEAR PLASTIC PONCHO

FRASIER

What's with the plastic Mack?

ROZ

I have to keep all the dirt away from me.

FRASIER

You're seriously beginning to obsess over this Roz. Your Grandfather really needs to see someone about it and if he stays with you much longer you'll be following him into a white jacket and a hospital gown.

ROZ

I know but I'm not sure how long he has left. I want to make this trip special.

FRASIER

Where is he now?

ROZ

How should I know? He's always had this dirt problem since he dropped his glass eye.

FRASIER

He has a glass eye?

ROZ

Had a glass eye. A violent sneeze at the garbage dump while he was dropping off a credenza that he used to keep the new born kittens in meant that he developed a problem with dirt. We kept telling him he should wash it before he put it back in but he wouldn't listen. The resulting infection meant he lost the feeling down that side of his face, would never wear the eye again and has a dirt problem.

FRASIER

I think the only response to that is I see.

ROZ

Don't say that around him.

BEBE ENTERS INTO FRASIER'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH

BEBE

Frasier, Frasier, Frasier, how are you?

FRASIER

Bebe this is a surprise, my show is going to start soon, so we must be quick. What can I do for you?

BEBE

The first edit of the documentary has arrived.

FRASIER

Already?

BEBE

They may have started it a few months before I informed you about it, but not to worry it's done now.

FRASIER

How have they finished it? They haven't even interviewed me or my family yet. Have they spoken to you Roz?

ROZ

I haven't heard from them at all.

BEBE

The research is so superbly done that in the end they didn't need to trouble you and waste your valuable time.

FRASIER

That doesn't sound right. Have you seen it?

BEBE

Yes I have and it's wonderful, you'll be pleasantly surprised. Here is the tape so you can have a sneak preview.

FRASIER

Are you coming to watch it with me?

BEBE

I'd love to Frasier but I have a plane to catch. I'll be out of the country for a few days on...let's say business. Well I must fly. Bye.

BEBE HANDS HIM A TAPE AND THEN QUICKLY EXITS FROM THE BOOTH

ROZ

She did say plane and not broomstick, right?

AS ROZ AND FRASIER PREPARE TO GO ON AIR WE:

FADE OUT

(F)

TITLE CARD: "IT'S FORTUNATE HE DOESN'T DRINK FROM BOTTLES"

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/4
(Niles, Martin, Daphne, Frasier, Roz, Roz's Grandpa)

NILES LIES ON THE COUCH LOOKING EXTREMELY ILL, AS ROZ SITS AT THE DINNING TABLE CASTING AN EYE TOWARDS HER GRANDFATHER WHO IS ASLEEP IN THE EMS CHAIR BY THE WINDOW. MARTIN ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH A BOWL OF WHAT LOOKS LIKE CHILLY

NILES

Don't bring food anywhere near me.

NILES TURNS AROUND AND PUTS HIS HEAD ON THE OTHER END OF THE COUCH

MARTIN

What's the matter?

NILES

I've eaten nothing but Daphne's unusual pancake attempts for nearly a week now. After sampling her minced meat and banana mixture I don't know how I'm still breathing. When I sit upright my ears start ringing.

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AND SITS ON THE EDGE OF THE COFFEE TABLE LOOKING CONCERNED OVER NILES

DAPHNE

Niles are you okay honey? You look a little pale.

NILES

I've just got a little upset stomach. I'll be fine.

DAPHNE

I'll get you a glass of water.

DAPHNE STROKES HIS HEAD FOR A TEMPERATURE BEFORE EXITING TO THE KITCHEN

MARTIN

Why don't you tell her?

NILES

What that she's nearly poisoned me? I'd rather not if it's all the same with you, I think it may upset her to find out she's the reason I'm turning green.

MARTIN

Suit yourself but it'll only get worse if you don't. She'll be experimenting with Eddie's dog food and the pancake mix soon. Still it might clear out your digestive system.

MARTIN PICKS UP AN EMPTY BEER CAN FROM OFF HIS TABLE AND THROWS IT AT THE TELEVISION TO TRY TO HIT THE POWER BUTTON AS FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM WITH THE TAPE

FRASIER

How many more times, stop throwing things at the television set.

MARTIN

I'm trying to turn it over.

FRASIER

Then hurling a can at it might not help. Get up and switch it over before you mould yourself to the shape of that chair completely.

MARTIN

But it's too far.

FRASIER

Of course it is. I wouldn't attempt it without a map, compass and a hefty water supply. (RE: GRANDFATHER) Roz is he going to be okay?

DAPHNE ENTERS WITH A GLASS OF WATER AND HANDS IT TO NILES BEFORE SITTING NEXT TO HIM AS HE SNUGGLES UP NEXT TO HER

ROZ

He's fine. I'll just need a little help turning him if he starts to fuss. The last time I attempted it on my own I pushed him off the chair.

MARTIN

When did we order the old man for in the corner anyway?

ROZ

Oh believe me if you want him you can have him. I can do without the extra stress.

FRASIER

He's only been here for two days.

ROZ

Really? It seems much longer. I wonder if I can trick him into thinking that it's been longer.

FRASIER

How can you be so mean to your own flesh and blood?

MARTIN THROWS ANOTHER CAN AT THE TELEVISION TRYING TO TURN IT ON BEFORE FRASIER SLAPS HIS HAND

FRASIER (CONT'D)

I said stop it don't make me hurt you old man.

MARTIN

Roz he's twitching.

ROZ

No he's okay, it's when he starts meowing you need to worry. Alice thinks I've brought her home some strange pet. She keeps getting him a bowl of water and tries to groom his hair with the toilet brush.

DAPHNE

Can I get anyone something to eat before we watch this? Anything except pancakes. I've got my recipe all ready for tomorrow I don't want to jinx anything. (TO NILES) Are you sure I can't get you anything? It might perk you up a little.

NILES

Honestly I'm fine right here with your shoulder.

FRASIER

Right let's watch the life of a genius.

MARTIN

I thought we were watching your documentary.

FRASIER

We are.

MARTIN

So we're watching two?

FRASIER

No just the documentary about me.

MARTIN

So we're not watching the one about the genius?

FRASIER

Just be quiet.

NILES

Shouldn't Bebe be here for this?

FRASIER

She's already seen it. Anyway she's out of the country.

DAPHNE

I think I may be able to predict why.

ROZ

What is this mark on your couch?

FRASIER

Nothing it's just the way the light is hitting it.

ROZ

I can't have dirt around my Grandfather.

FRASIER

I'm sure he'll cope.

DAPHNE

This is going to be you in your old age.

NILES

I'd object to that if I wasn't feeling so peaky.

FRASIER

Can I put this on now?

FRASIER PUTS THE TAPE IN THE VCR, PRESSES PLAY AND THEN SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH

MARTIN

You never turned the set on. Here let me do it.

MARTIN THROWS ANOTHER CAN AT THE TELEVISION AND MANAGES TO SWITCH IT ON

FRASIER

I've told you to stop that.

ROZ

Yeah at least wait until Frasier's on the screen before you start throwing things at it.

FRASIER

Will you all be quiet? I want to hear what they've got to say.

NILES

Why? It's your life don't you know what happens?

FRASIER

Quiet, it's starting.

THEY ALL TURN THEIR ATTENTION TO THE TELEVISION

NARRATOR

On The Life and Times we've showed you an array of talent from across the world of show business. But today we turn our attention to a little known personality on our airwaves. Dr. Frasier Crane, a radio psychiatrist from Seattle who says he can heal your pain. But today we look behind the friendly smile to see what really makes him tick. How can a man who has attempted suicide himself help the public with their problems?

FRASIER LOOKS ABSOLUTELY SHOCKED TO THE BONE

FRASIER

Oh my God, this is terrible.

MARTIN

I've seen worse photos of you. Although you do have a certain on the little bloated side, allergic to shrimp kind of quality.

AS THEY ALL EXCEPT FRASIER BEGINS TO SMIRK A LITTLE WE:

DISSOLVE TO:

(G)

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — DAY/4
(Roz, Frasier, Martin, Daphne, Niles, Roz's Grandpa)

EVERYONE REMAINS SEATED AS BEFORE EXCEPT FOR FRASIER WHO PACES BACK AND FORTH BEHIND THE COUCH

ROZ

Will you calm down? I like it.

FRASIER

Great one person.

ROZ

Grandpa likes it too.

FRASIER

He's slept through it and you've laughed through it.

MARTIN

Well if you don't laugh you cry.

DAPHNE

(TO NILES) Are you feeling a little better now?

NILES

I'll be fine.

DAPHNE

I wonder what's caused it?

MARTIN

If only there was some clue.

FRASIER

That's just the last straw, how did they get that photo? Roz?

ROZ

What? You never said I couldn't post it on the Internet.

FRASIER

Then I shall make that point more obvious from now on.

NILES

Look on the bright side Frasier, they haven't said anything about that blender incident.

MARTIN

Until now.

DAPHNE

Oh my God.

ROZ

That's disgusting.

FRASIER

How did they get that picture?

NILES

That's it I really am going to be sick this time.

NILES JUMPS UP AND RUNS TO THE BATHROOM BEFORE FRASIER TURNS OFF THE TELEVISION

FRASIER

I can't take anymore of this. I'm calling Bebe.

ROZ

She's not in the country, for obvious reasons.

FRASIER PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS

FRASIER

(INTO PHONE) Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, I'd like to speak with Bebe please. Oh really? Well then can you pass a message along? If she doesn't phone me in the next two minutes I'm taking my business elsewhere and this time I really mean it.

FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE AS DAPHNE GOES TO THE BATHROOM DOOR

DAPHNE

Niles are you okay honey?

NILES

I'll be fine except I've just seen my life flash before my eyes.

DAPHNE

Do you want another pancake to settle your stomach? I don't know what's made him feel this bad.

DAPHNE SITS BACK DOWN

SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING

FRASIER STANDS BY THE PHONE AND LETS IT RING A FEW TIMES BEFORE ANSWERING IT

FRASIER

(INTO PHONE) Hello? Oh yes Bebe. Yes I did want a quick word. Oh but you're in Hawaii, oh well never mind this won't take long. If this documentary gets aired I'll sue both you and the production company. Good day.

AS FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE WE:

FADE OUT

(H)

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/5
(Bebe, Frasier, Niles)

FRASIER SITS IN NERVOSA AS BEBE ENTERS WITH A SUNTAN AND SITS NEXT TO HIM

BEBE

Frasier I have good news.

FRASIER

Your horns have finally come through?

BEBE

I suppose I deserve that after I took the money and run. But think of my poor niece and her kidney transplant.

FRASIER

You needed the money to get her a kidney transplant.

BEBE

Of course, I would have given her one of her own but they wouldn't risk it with my heart condition.

FRASIER

Oh what heart condition? Your lack of one?

BEBE

Believe it or not but I do have a heart.

FRASIER

Yes but it doesn't beat very often does it? Wait a second. You needed to go to Hawaii to get her a kidney transplant?

BEBE

It's where all the good doctors are.

FRASIER

Of course which is why kidney failure is so infrequent in Hawaii, I used to think it was because of the macadamia nuts. What do you take me for?

BEBE

Oh all right fine. The fact of the matter is you've got a little money from it, I've got less money from it...

FRASIER

If you got less then me how come you can afford to go to Hawaii?

BEBE

I have frequent flyer miles don't question me. Thanks to me that documentary will never see the light of day. (PRETENDING TO TEAR UP) But do I get any credit for it? Do I get thanked for it? No, I get discarded and abused.

FRASIER

Oh lay off the water works, the acid will melt your face.

BEBE

Fine I'm going I have business to take care of.

BEBE GETS UP AND EXITS

BEBE

(OFF STAGE) Gill, guess who The Life and Times want to make a documentary about?

NILES ENTERS LOOKING BEHIND HIM

NILES

Was that Bebe?

FRASIER

Yes, she's sorted everything out.

NILES

It's a shame really there was no need.

FRASIER

What does that mean?

NILES

The studio and the production company's archive burnt down during the night. Do you not see it on the news?

FRASIER

No I must have missed it.

NILES

I wonder what could have started it.

FRASIER

Yes I wonder.

AS FRASIER FEARS THE WORST AND NILES ORDERS A COFFEE WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

CLOSING CREDITS: FRASIER, MARTIN AND NILES SIT AROUND THE DINNING TABLE AS DAPHNE PUTS EMPTY PLATES BEFORE ALL OF THEM. SHE THEN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN. THEY ALL QUICKLY EXCHANGE GLANCES AND JUMP UP AND HURRY OUT OF THE FRONT DOOR. DAPHNE THEN RE-ENTERS WITH A STACK OF PANCAKES. SHE IS SHOCKED TO SEE THEM GONE AND RUNS TO THE FRONT DOOR AND OPENS IT TO TRY TO CATCH THEM