This is my entry for the Frasier Fanpic fanfic type thingy-mabob, what do ya call it that's going on. I apologise if that makes no sense but I'm still a tiny bit drunk from drowning my sorrow's yesterday, it may also have something to do with the fact that I've been drinking today as well but who cares? Only my liver.

I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.

I actually like this one, which is always a bad sign. The ones I like everyone hates and the ones I hate everyone loves. Please send all feedback to kelly_simba@hotmail.com and in return I won't be forced to track you all down and insert some angry rodents up your nostrils.

Enjoy...


Frasier
Alternative Season Nine Episode Thirteen
My Funny Valentine

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

TITLE CARD: "MEET DOCTOR FAUSTUS CRANE"

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/1
(Frasier, Niles, Martin, Daphne)

FRASIER AND NILES SIT ON THE COUCH FULLY RELAXED SIPPING ON GLASSES OF WINE AND LISTENING TO THE STEREO QUIETLY IN THE BACKGROUND

FRASIER

What do you think of Blanc's?

NILES

Nope, dirty cutlery.

FRASIER

It was a tiny speck of dirt Niles barely visible to the naked eye. You'd have more success trying to see the atom.

NILES

There was half a crab stuck on that knife. And might I add a raw crab, its eye was still moving. I don't particularly like to be watched during my dinner especially by my dinner as it eat it. It just makes me feel guilty.

FRASIER

How about Townsend's?

NILES

Are you insane? I've seen apes with less hair then their chef. He takes a break every ten minutes to groom himself.

FRASIER

But their lobster bisque is exquisite.

NILES

And from the size of the hair I found in it he'd obviously been swimming in it. At least I think it was a hair, it might have been a shoelace.

FRASIER

Well I don't care, this is my date, and I'm taking her to Blanc's.

NILES

Then make sure the hospital is expecting you for your stomach pump and blood transfusion. If you ignore my warning and the infection gets so bad you need a new kidney then that's just tough. That ship sails with my warning.

FRASIER

Since every five star restaurant in the city is suddenly on your health and safety hazard list where exactly are you intending on taking Daphne for Valentine's Day? The chilli vendor on the corner? Or perhaps a pizza from that lovely rat riddled place opposite Nervosa?

NILES

I'm taking her to Hawaii if you must know.

FRASIER

Well if you want to go with a worn out clique go ahead.

NILES

Where did you meet this latest focus of your clumsy advances?

FRASIER

I'm choosing to ignore that. She was standing right outside the radio station with a pair of binoculars.

NILES

Please tell me you haven't stooped so low that you're actually dating one of your 'groupies'? You won't rest until you're dating someone that has a shrine dedicated to you with burning candles and bits of donkey hair scattered around in their basement.

FRASIER

She was bird watching at the top of the building if you must know. She's not obsessed with me although if she were who could blame her?

NILES

Oh yes I've seen scads of people outside the station doing that. The pigeon is the rarest of all the birds. I'm amazed it's not on the endangered species list.

MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM AND HOVERS BY THE ISLAND

MARTIN

Has anyone phoned me today?

FRASIER

Like who for example?

MARTIN

Just a friend.

FRASIER

Which friend?

MARTIN

A new friend.

FRASIER

What new friend?

MARTIN

A woman all right, geez do you want to sweat it out of me under lights or make me take a liar detector test? I'm waiting for a woman to call me okay.

NILES

A woman? And what woman would this be? Are you going out on a date?

MARTIN

Yes all right. I asked a woman out for Valentine's Day. You're acting like a couple of washerwomen again. Has she called or not?

FRASIER

No

MARTIN

Now was that so hard?

MARTIN EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AS DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM TALKING ON THE PHONE

DAPHNE

(INTO PHONE) Yes Mum. I know. I will, honestly.

DAPHNE COVERS UP THE MOUTHPIECE

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Will someone help me here?

NILES

How exactly do we do that?

DAPHNE

Send some sort of winged monkey to England to bound and gag my mother to get her off the phone.

NILES

How about we call that plan B?

DAPHNE

(INTO PHONE) I've got to go now Mum, Niles needs me. No not for that, we are getting married you know. He's got his tie caught in the garbage disposal again, I've got to free him before he passes out.

NILES

(SHOUTS) Oh help.

FRASIER

That was really convincing. Get this man an Oscar.

DAPHNE

(INTO PHONE) I've got to...oh really? And was Simon okay after? Pity. I've got to go, he's passed out and hanging from the sink... Did he? Right there on the carpet?

NILES

Do you ever get the feeling this woman doesn't care much for my well being?

DAPHNE

(INTO PHONE) Oh yes. I'm sure he did. That's nice.

DAPHNE MAKES A HISSING NOISE INTO THE PHONE AND SLAMS THE RECEIVER DOWN

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Just go away woman.

MARTIN ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN

FRASIER

Won't she want to know what happened?

DAPHNE

I'll just tell her it was another earthquake. It'll be the forth one we've had in the last three days if she asks.

DAPHNE GOES TO PULL THE PHONE WIRE FROM THE SOCKET

MARTIN

Don't pull the phone out. I'm waiting for a call.

DAPHNE

Oh yes and who's this off?

MARTIN

I am not having this discussion again.

MARTIN EXITS BACK TOWARDS HIS ROOM AS DAPHNE SITS NEXT TO NILES

NILES

Is everything all right at home?

DAPHNE

It's funny you should mention that and I'm afraid I've got some bad news. We can't go away for Valentine's Day.

NILES

Why not?

DAPHNE

Me Auntie Margaret is coming to Seattle for a few days.

NILES

Can't you put her off?

DAPHNE

She's already at the airport with a suitcase full of hairnets and marzipan for some reason. She'll be here tomorrow.

NILES

Then I'll guess we'll have to postpone.

DAPHNE

You're not mad?

NILES

It's not your fault. I'm disappointed but it can't be helped. I'll rearrange it for when she's gone. So is she stopping in a hotel or is she going to stay with me?

DAPHNE

Oh God I'll never hear the end of it if I make her stay in a hotel. Me Mum's still angry that I made Simon sleep on the couch when he was here instead of letting him share me bed. The last thing I wanted was his rancid excuse for feet wedged up me nostril. Still it would have made me sleep better.

NILES

Then she can stay with me.

DAPHNE

I must warn you, she is a little old fashioned.

NILES

She's not the one who thinks its treason because your engaged to an American is it?

DAPHNE

Hardly, Auntie Margaret slept with more American soldiers in exchange for packs of bacon and bars of chocolate during the war then you can shake a stick at. She had her skirt permanently pulled so far in the air I don't think she saw daylight for three years. Just don't be surprised if she doesn't take to you right away.

FRASIER

What does that mean?

DAPHNE

She can be a little on the rude and aggressive side.

NILES

How aggressive?

DAPHNE

Let's just say if the army had given her some camouflage paint and a snipers rifle, World War Two would have been over on the second day. But don't take what she says to heart, she's like it with everyone. She didn't particularly like me until about nine, ten years ago.

FRASIER

Wasn't that when you moved to America?

DAPHNE

Exactly.

AS NILES AND FRASIER LOOK AT EACH OTHER QUITE CONCERNED WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/2
(Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Roz)

FRASIER, NILES AND DAPHNE ALL SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF NERVOSA. FRASIER STARES AT HIS COFFEE CUP

FRASIER

Have you seen the coffee today?

NILES AND DAPHNE BOTH STARE AT HIS COFFEE

NILES

Dear God look at that!

DAPHNE

Yes you can almost make out the outline of Elvis in the cracks at the bottom the cup.

FRASIER

That's not what I meant.

NILES

Yes there is clearly a spider doing the backstroke in there.

FRASIER

Where?!

NILES

There, he's just coming around on another lap.

DAPHNE

So there is. Oh look it's only got seven legs. I bet you swallowed the other one Dr. Crane. At least you'll know what it is if you think you've got a hair between your teeth.

FRASIER

Oh my God that's even worse!

NILES

Why what was you going to say?

FRASIER

That it looks like the mysterious stain I found on my pillow after Eddie snuck into my bed this morning. Why is there a spider in my coffee?!

FRASIER BEGINS TO COUGH VIOLENTLY AS NILES TURNS HIS ATTENTION AWAY FROM HIM AND ONTO DAPHNE

NILES

What time does her plane land?

DAPHNE

Don't you mean broomstick? About an hour from now. When she lands all the clocks will come to a standstill and the birds will start attacking each other without knowing why.

NILES

She can't be all that bad.

DAPHNE

Just promise me one thing while she's here. Try not to kill her. Although such action is justified, it's generally frowned upon.

FRASIER CONTINUES TO COUGH AND GETS A LITTLE LOUDER BECAUSE HE IS BEING IGNORED

FRASIER

Do either of you mind?

NILES

No not at all.

NILES HANDS FRASIER THE SUGAR AS HE CONTINUES TO COUGH AND NILES TURNS HIS ATTENTION STRAIGHT BACK TO DAPHNE AGAIN

DAPHNE

Are we still eating at your place tonight Dr. Crane?

FRASIER IS UNABLE TO SPEAK AS HE GASPS FOR AIR

NILES

We'll take that as a yes.

ROZ ENTERS LOOKING EXTREMELY AGITATED STARING BACK AT THE DOOR

DAPHNE

What on earth is the matter?

FRASIER CONTINUES TO GASP BUT MANAGES TO START TO COMPOSE HIMSELF

FRASIER

I've just swallowed a spider leg and everyone is ignoring that fact.

DAPHNE

I was actually talking to Roz.

NILES

You look like an extremely agitated cockatoo.

ROZ

That crazy woman is following me again.

FRASIER

Which crazy woman?

ROZ SITS DOWN WITH THEM

NILES

You have more then one follow you?

ROZ

There's one that's followed me for years, an elderly woman who's convinced that I'm her daughter and keeps trying to give me alphabet soup and comb my hair, but it's not her. It's Dean's ex-girlfriend.

FRASIER

Dean?

ROZ

From accounting.

DAPHNE

Is he the one who woofs when you, you know?

NILES

Well we all do now.

ROZ

That's him. She keeps following me everywhere. I shot a dog this morning because of her.

FRASIER

Excuse me?

ROZ

She filled my tailpipe full of pebbles. Eventually the thing backfired and shot them all out. I got a dog, a family of woodpeckers, a Policeman buying a newspaper and some guy who was bending down to tie his shoelace. She's out there now.

THEY ALL STAND TO LOOK OUT THE DOOR

FRASIER

I don't see anybody.

ROZ

That's because she's camouflaged.

NILES

What as? That sparrow?

ROZ

Do you see the large bush that looks like that headless horseman from Sleepy Hollow?

DAPHNE

I see the bush.

FRASIER

But we don't see how your mind works. I don't see anybody. Are you sure you're being followed?

ROZ

No I'm making the whole thing up to lead a more exciting life.

FRASIER

Couldn't you just buy yourself a whip?

NILES

Oh I think that boat sailed years ago.

AS ROZ SLAPS NILES AND EVERYONE ELSE SITS DOWN WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

TITLE CARD: "TO BE FAIR ARMANI MAKES HIM LOOK LIKE HE'S IN THE MOB"

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2
(Roz, Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne, Margaret)

FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR TO ROZ WHO PUSHES PAST HIM AND RUNS STRAIGHT OUT ON THE BALCONY. MARTIN WATCHES FROM HIS CHAIR

ROZ

Get out of my way.

FRASIER

When did the Seattle marathon change its route to through my living room?

ROZ

She's there again.

MARTIN

Who?

ROZ

I'm being stalked by my boyfriend's ex. Why does she keep watching me?

ROZ COMES BACK INSIDE AND SHUTS THE DOOR BEFORE LOOKING THROUGH THE TELESCOPE

FRASIER

Maybe because you're standing on the balcony shouting?

MARTIN

Just take out a restraining order.

FRASIER

That'll make a change, Roz taking one out rather then one being taken out against her.

ROZ

That only happened once and I already told you, I did nothing to that mailbox. It was like it when I got there. She's still there, I can see her through the telescope.

FRASIER

I knew that would come in handy at some point. Now we can all watch our stalkers from the comfort of our own homes.

NILES ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR LOOKING EXTREMELY AGITATED

NILES

Okay I'm warning you now put away all sharp objects before you consider using them.

FRASIER

What's the matter?

NILES

Dear old Auntie Margaret just made a group of nun's cry at the airport by calling them God bothering, money grabbing whores. This is not a nice woman.

MARTIN

Where is she?

NILES

Apparently I look 'shifty' and she refused to be in such a small space with me, so we've had to take shifts in the elevator.

ROZ

What did you say to her?

NILES

I barely got past hello and welcome to Seattle when she was trying to jab me with a knitting needle claiming I was trying to steal her purse.

DAPHNE AND MARGARET ENTER AS EVERYONE ELSE STANDS TO ATTENTION

DAPHNE

And here we are. This is where I live.

MARGARET

Well done love at least you've managed to sleep your way to the top, rather then the middle like your mother.

DAPHNE

Auntie Margaret let me introduce you to Niles' brother Dr. Frasier Crane, their father Martin and Roz Doyle.

MARGARET

(TO FRASIER) Dear God, look at the state of your head. You get more glare off that then you do from the atom bomb. (RE: ROZ) And who's this one then? Do you work here a well?

ROZ

No I'm...

MARGARET

Well you can get a drink anyway. And make it a stiff one.

ROZ

Frasier can you show me where everything is kept.

FRASIER

(QUIETLY) What like a muzzle?

FRASIER AND ROZ EXIT TO THE KITCHEN

DAPHNE

There's no need for that I'll get you a drink.

DAPHNE GOES TO EXIT TO THE KITCHEN

MARGARET

Then take this shifty bugger with you. I know his type. He'll be trying to grope me and be after me life savings the moment your backs turned.

DAPHNE GRABS NILES BY THE ARM AND THEY BOTH EXIT TO THE KITCHEN

MARGARET (CONT'D)

(TO MARTIN) And who are you again?

MARTIN SUDDENLY LEAPS OUT OF HIS CHAIR

MARTIN

You know I'm just going to give them a hand with the drinks.

MARTIN QUICKLY EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER, ROZ AND NILES HUDDLE TOGETHER LOOKING A LITTLE OUT OF PLACE AS DAPHNE SCOWLS AT THEM AND MARTIN ENTERS

MARTIN

Why did you all leave me alone? I haven't had a tetanus shot for a long time you know.

FRASIER

When you said she was a little on the mean side were you lying?

DAPHNE

It's just the way she is, it's her way of expressing how much she likes people.

NILES

Well then thank God she's stopped short of poking us all in the eye.

DAPHNE

She's only here until Thursday can you just grin and bare it for me?

MARTIN

If we have to, but only because you're family.

ROZ

I'm not related to any of you, so am I void from this agreement?

DAPHNE

No.

DAPHNE GOES TO EXIT BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM BUT THEN STOPS AS SHE NOTICES THAT NO ONE ELSE IS FOLLOWING HER

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

To actually follow through with this plan you actually have to leave the kitchen and be in the same room as her.

FRASIER IMMEDIATELY OPENS UP THE OVEN DOOR

FRASIER

I was just checking on dinner.

ROZ GRABS A GLASS

ROZ

Getting her a drink.

MARTIN QUICKLY GRABS THE KETTLE AND STARTS TO FILL IT UP

MARTIN

Making coffee.

DAPHNE ROLLS HER EYES BEFORE TURNING TO NILES

DAPHNE

And you?

NILES QUICKLY SCANS THE ROOM FOR SOMETHING TO DO

NILES

I was...I was going to...Maybe I could...Just don't leave me alone with her.

NILES' HEAD GOES DOWN AS DAPHNE GRABS HIS HAND AND THEY BOTH EXIT RATHER RELUCTANTLY INTO THE LIVING ROOM AS WE:

DISSOLVE TO:

(D)

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — EVENING — DAY/2
(Frasier, Martin, Margaret, Daphne, Niles, Roz)

MARTIN PUTS HIS PLATE IN THE SINK AS FRASIER STARTS TO MAKE A POT OF COFFEE. MARTIN DOESN'T LOOK ALL THAT WELL

FRASIER

Dad are you okay? You don't look so hot?

MARTIN

I always feel a little queasy when the devil comes to dinner. I don't know why you cooked her dinner. I'm sure she would have preferred it raw.

FRASIER

Don't you mean still alive? Seriously are you feeling all right?

MARTIN

I've just got a little upset stomach. Nothing that another beer won't cure I'm sure.

FRASIER AND MARTIN EXIT BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

NILES, DAPHNE, ROZ AND MARGARET SIT AROUND THE DINNING TABLE AS FRASIER AND MARTIN ENTER AND SIT BACK DOWN WITH THEM. NO ONE EXCEPT DAPHNE AND MARGARET LOOK AS IF THEY CAN SAY A WORD WITHOUT FEARING FOR THEIR LIVES

MARGARET

Blimey you've put on weight since the last time I saw you Daphne. You've got real birthing hips on you now. I bet you could pass a calf at a push.

FRASIER

Would you like some dessert?

MARGARET

Have you made it?

FRASIER

I certainly have this...

MARGARET

Then no thank you. I should give my stomach lining a rest from your last effort before it kills me off.

DAPHNE

Now, now I thought dinner was lovely, thank you Dr. Crane.

NILES LOOKS STUNNED AND A LITTLE FRIGHTENED AT MARGARET

MARGARET

Well you would what with your cooking skills. (TO NILES) What are you looking at you shifty bleeder? This isn't really the one you're marrying is it?

DAPHNE

I do wish you wouldn't be so harsh on everyone.

MARGARET

Harsh? I'm only telling the truth. Look at the look in his eye. You're likely to wake up one morning with a limb missing that he's flogged down the docks.

MARTIN STANDS

MARTIN

Well I'm off to bed, I'm not feeling too good.

MARGARET

I'm not surprised with the slop we were fed tonight. You get a better meal in hospital and then all the donated organs go straight to the hospital kitchen to be puréed and served as lunch.

MARTIN

It's been a pleasure Margaret.

MARGARET

Well that just shows how much you get out.

MARTIN RATHER QUICKLY EXITS TOWARDS HIS BEDROOM

MARGARET (CONT'D)

(TO ROZ) You haven't said much tonight. Are you sleeping with one of them and all? You weren't invited for your sparkling dinner conversation.

ROZ LOOKS LOST FOR WORDS

DAPHNE

Maybe that's because you haven't been awfully friendly tonight.

MARGARET

Oh arse! I've been down right hospitable. If these miserable bleeders can't be bothered to make an effort, why should I?

DAPHNE

All right that it's I've had enough.

DAPHNE THROWS HER NAPKIN DOWN AND STANDS UP

MARGARET

(TO ROZ) I told you she wouldn't stay with the shifty one for long.

DAPHNE

(EXTREMELY ANGRY) I mean with you. I know I'm going to get in some serious trouble with Mum but I'm past the point of caring. How dare you speak to them like that? You hadn't taken more then one foot off the plane before you started attacking Niles and what for? Because you're a mean, bitter, twisted old woman with nothing better to do. Dr. Crane has opened his home up for you tonight and you've done nothing but put him down. Well no more, from now on woman you speak only when spoken to with that rosy smile on your face or you can go and stay somewhere else.

MARGARET TRIES TO MAINTAIN HER DIGNITY AND STANDS

MARGARET

I see. Then can you point me in the direction of my room?

DAPHNE

We're not staying here, we're staying at Niles'.

MARGARET

Right now I wouldn't travel more then ten yards with you. After that attack I need somewhere to sleep and regain my equilibrium.

DAPHNE

Oh stop being a drama Queen.

MARGARET

Just point me in the direction of your room and I shall stay there tonight and may consider going home with you tomorrow.

DAPHNE

Fine it's through there.

MARGARET

Goodnight.

MARGARET EXITS TO DAPHNE'S ROOM AND EVERYONE STARES AT DAPHNE STUNNED

FRASIER

Is it safe to come out now?

ROZ

I don't know about her making nun's cry, you almost made me cry.

NILES

I am so proud of you.

NILES GOES TO DAPHNE AND HUGS HER

DAPHNE

I'm going to get into so much trouble for this, but I don't care. I'm not going to change our plans for a ratty old woman and then be abused by her.

FRASIER

I'm sure she'll tow the line now.

DAPHNE

I better see if she needs anything.

FRASIER

You're not going to leave her here are you?

DAPHNE

No I guess I can sleep on the couch.

NILES

Do you think there's room for two?

FRASIER

Of course, who doesn't want a slumber party in their living room? Why don't we all sleep in the living room?

DAPHNE AND NILES EXIT TO HER ROOM AS ROZ MOVES OVER TO THE TELESCOPE AND LOOKS THROUGH IT

ROZ

I'm going to go as well as soon as I've checked. She's still there. Doesn't this woman ever sleep?

FRASIER

Do you want me to drive you home?

ROZ

That'll be great. I'm scared to use my car in fear of what's she done to it.

NILES ENTERS FROM DAPHNE'S ROOM AND EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

FRASIER

Can I still retract that favour?

ROZ

No, just don't be surprised if she tries to spread eagle on your hood as you turn the corner.

FRASIER AND ROZ GET THEIR COATS AS NILES ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH A TALL GLASS

FRASIER

What do you need that for?

NILES

She needs somewhere to put her teeth.

AS NILES EXITS BACK INTO DAPHNE'S ROOM WE:

FADE OUT

(E)

TITLE CARD: "DEATH BECOMES HER"

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/3
(Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Martin, Margaret)

NILES AND DAPHNE LIE SQUASHED ON THE COUCH LOOKING EXTREMELY TIRED AND UNCOMFORTABLE

NILES

That was without doubt the most uncomfortable night of my life. I think I've dislocated every bone in my body trying to stay on this couch. We should have covered it in Velcro.

DAPHNE

I'd get up but I don't think I can move.

NILES SITS UP

NILES

Oh my back!

DAPHNE

What's the matter with it?

NILES

I fell off around five o'clock and caught the edge of the coffee table. Even when she's quiet she still punishing us.

DAPHNE LEANS OVER AND STARTS RUBBING HIS BACK

DAPHNE

What's wrong with your eye?

NILES

You elbow caught me as I was trying to climb back on again.

DAPHNE

I'm so sorry. This wasn't such a good idea after all. We should have just sedated her and dragged her home.

FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS BEDROOM

FRASIER

Good morning campers. I hope you weren't up late telling ghost stories and eating marshmallows.

NILES

I'll make some coffee. Wait whose hand is this?

DAPHNE

It's yours.

NILES

Oh how nice, I've been lying on my arm and I now have no feeling in it. You could amputate it and I wouldn't know.

DAPHNE

Really?

DAPHNE YANKS NILES' THUMB BACKWARD

NILES

I meant the other one.

NILES EXITS TO THE KITCHEN

DAPHNE

Did you get Roz home all right?

FRASIER

Apart from being pelted with animal waste products as we went around the corner and the headless rabbit that was waiting for her on the doorstep to her building fine.

DAPHNE

How does she know if was for her?

FRASIER

It had a note on it that said 'die Roz die'. I don't think you need to be a detective to make the connection.

DAPHNE

I still say you've jumped to the most obvious conclusion.

NILES ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN

NILES

Had I better go and see if your Aunt wants anything?

DAPHNE

If you would thank you. If I do it I might smother her.

NILES

I'm worried she'll smother me.

NILES EXITS TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM

RESET TO:

INT. DAPHNE'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARGARET LIES IN BED ON THE RIGHT HAND SIDE AS NILES ENTERS. NILES HANGS BY THE DOOR A LITTLE AFRAID OF GOING IN TOO FAR

NILES (CONT'D)

Good morning Margaret, can I get you a coffee?

MARGARET DOESN'T MOVE. NILES MOVES A LITTLE FURTHER INTO THE ROOM

NILES (CONT'D)

Margaret?

MARGARET STILL DOESN'T MOVE. NILES WALKS RIGHT UP TO HER

NILES (CONT'D)

Margaret?

NILES TOUCHES HER HAND AND THEN IMMEDIATELY BACKS OFF

NILES (CONT'D)

Oh my God. Oh no come on Margaret wake up.

NILES BEGINS TO FRANTICALLY POKE HER ON THE ARM BUT SHE STILL DOESN'T MOVE

NILES (CONT'D)

Please.

NILES FEELS FOR A PULSE BEFORE QUICKLY RUNNING AND EXITING

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER IS JUST POURING BOTH HIMSELF AND DAPHNE A CUP OF COFFEE AS NILES COMES RUNNING IN

NILES (CONT'D)

Frasier can I see you for a moment?

DAPHNE

What's wrong?

NILES

Nothing I just need a little boy chat.

FRASIER FOLLOWS NILES AND THEY BOTH EXIT TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM

RESET TO:

INT. DAPHNE'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARGARET REMAINS AS BEFORE AS NILES AND FRASIER ENTER

FRASIER

What's the matter?

NILES

She's dead.

FRASIER

Who?

NILES

Mrs. Wilson from across the hall, who do you think?

FRASIER

Are you sure?

THEY BOTH APPROACH THE BED VERY CAUTIOUSLY

NILES

Well it has been a long time since I went to medical school but being stone cold, with no heartbeat and not breathing usually means that someone is dead. You can try slapping her across the face with her own hand but I doubt you'll get a response. Touch her.

FRASIER

Who do you think I am? Now is not the time to experiment.

NILES

I meant to double check.

FRASIER

Well she's hardly asleep Niles. Oh God I've got a dead body in my apartment. That'll put its value up.

NILES

What do I tell Daphne?

THEY BOTH MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE DOOR

FRASIER

The truth. You can't hide this from her. Sooner or later she's going to wonder what that smell is coming from under her bed.

NILES

But how do I tell her?

DAPHNE ENTERS IN THE DOORWAY

DAPHNE

Tell her what?

NILES

Daphne!

FRASIER AND NILES PUSH DAPHNE OUT OF HER ROOM AND THEN SHUT THE DOOR BEHIND THEM

RESET TO:

INT. CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE STARES AT NILES AND FRASIER A LITTLE STUNNED AND CONFUSED

DAPHNE

Dear God what's the matter with you?

NILES

Nothing, let's go and get some coffee.

DAPHNE RATHER RELUCTANTLY EXITS TOWARDS THE LIVING ROOM WITH NILES AND FRASIER FOLLOWING HER

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE, FRASIER AND NILES ENTER

DAPHNE

Something is going on here.

NILES

Oh all right fine, but Frasier wants to tell you.

FRASIER

Do I? Daphne we have some bad news. You may want to sit down for this.

DAPHNE DOES AS SHE IS TOLD WITH NILES SITTING NEXT TO HER HOLDING HER HAND

FRASIER (CONT'D)

It seems that your Auntie Margaret has passed away in the night.

DAPHNE

You what?

NILES

Daphne I'm sorry, she's dead.

DAPHNE

No she can't be, she's just asleep.

NILES

It's a lot more serious then that.

DAPHNE

Then maybe it's a coma.

FRASIER

Daphne she's definitely dead.

DAPHNE

Oh my God, Mum's going to kill me. I've killed Auntie Margaret.

NILES

What are you talking about?

DAPHNE

I yelled at her.

FRASIER

You can't yell someone to death. If that were the case I'd have been dead the first week I met Lilith.

DAPHNE

How do you know for certain it's not my fault? How am I going to tell Mum? Sorry Mum but I accidentally killed your sister, is there anyone else you'd like me to try and knock off?

NILES

Daphne this is not your fault. She was an old woman. This would have happened no matter where in the world she was. Just be thankful that she was here with us and not on a bus in Manchester.

FRASIER

I'd better call an ambulance.

FRASIER PICKS UP THE PHONE AS MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM

NILES

I can't believe we have a dead body in the apartment.

MARTIN

It was just a little upset stomach I'm fine.

AS FRASIER DIALS THE PHONE AND NILES TRIES IN VAIN TO COMFORT DAPHNE WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(E)

TITLE CARD: "EVEN SUPERMAN DIDN'T HAVE THAT POWER"

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/3
(Martin, Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Roz, Katie)

FRASIER AND MARTIN SIT TOGETHER IN THE MIDDLE OF NERVOSA. MARTIN LOOKS VERY MISERABLE

MARTIN

It's been a week, why hasn't she called me back? Have I suddenly lost that Marty Crane magic?

FRASIER

You've still got plenty of time. Marty Crane magic? It sounds like a fungal disease.

MARTIN

Valentine's Day is tomorrow.

FRASIER

She's still got a day to phone you. She's probably doing it on purpose to make you dangle.

MARTIN

I've been stood up. I feel like a teenager. I feel the need to graffiti something or kick a cat to get rid of my frustration.

FRASIER

Well Eddie's at home if you feel like kicking a dog.

NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER AND IMMEDIATELY SIT DOWN

NILES

You've got to call her sooner or later.

DAPHNE

Can't you do it?

NILES

If you want me to call your mother and tell her I will. But she's going to want to speak to you eventually.

DAPHNE

I feel so guilty.

NILES

How many more times do we have to tell you Daphne it wasn't your fault? She was an old lady. She could have died at any time. Old people are like that. They can die at the drop of a hat.

MARTIN

Thank you so much now I feel much better.

NILES

I didn't mean you.

FRASIER

It's just accrued to me are you sure you gave Meryl the right phone number?

MARTIN

No I gave her the number of the pizza parlour instead. I actually enjoy the feeling of being dumped before a date.

FRASIER

I don't want to be insensitive here Dad, but with the events of this morning and her age, maybe a similar thing has happened.

MARTIN

I doubt it. Daphne doesn't know her to yell at her.

NILES

Stop it! This is not Daphne's fault.

MARTIN

You're right although to be on the safe side I'll start doing my exercises first time in case you yell at me.

FRASIER

And all this time we thought your cooking was the most deadly part of you.

NILES

Stop it both of you. Honey just ignore them.

DAPHNE

How am I going to tell me mother?

MARTIN

How about just send her something through the mail?

DAPHNE

Like what for instance?

FRASIER

Like Auntie Margaret.

DAPHNE

I'm glad to know that you both find her death amusing.

MARTIN

Can't you just say she was dead when she got here?

DAPHNE

What do you mean?

MARTIN

That it happened somewhere between immigration and baggage check.

DAPHNE

I'll get into even more trouble for that, that I left it so long before telling her.

ROZ COMES RUNNING IN OUT OF BREATH AND GOES STRAIGHT TO THE COUNTER

ROZ

Quick, need coffee, latte please.

FRASIER

What's going on?

ROZ

Trying to shake off stalker. Need to pee.

ROZ EXITS TOWARDS THE BATHROOM

NILES

She gets more ladylike by the day.

KATIE ENTERS AND TAKES A LONG LOOK AROUND THE ROOM BEFORE NOTICING FRASIER

KATIE

Frasier, hi.

FRASIER

Katie, this is a surprise. Are we still on for tomorrow night?

KATIE

We certainly are.

FRASIER

Oh let me introduce you. Katie this is my father Martin, my brother Niles and his fiancée Daphne.

KATIE

It's a pleasure to meet you all.

FRASIER

Would you like to join us for a coffee?

ROZ ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM AND KATIE IMMEDIATELY SEE HER

KATIE

Oh I would love to...but I have to go. Bye.

KATIE RUSHES BEHIND THE LEFT SIDE OF THE PILLAR AS ROZ COMES AROUND THE OTHER SIDE. AS ROZ APPROACHES THE TABLE KATIE COMPLETELY HIDES BEHIND THE PILLAR

NILES

She must be rushing off to watch all those rare pigeons.

ROZ

I'm going straight to the station before I get egged again. See you later. (THEN) Actually Daphne, if I get this woman face to face, do you think you could yell at her a little? I'm not asking for the full force just enough to give her a haemorrhage or something.

DAPHNE

No.

ROZ PICKS UP HER COFFEE AND EXITS. WHEN SHE HAS GONE KATIE EMERGES FROM BEHIND THE PILLAR AND FOLLOWS HER OUT

FRASIER

Oh bye Katie.

AS THEY CONTINUE TO DRINK THEIR COFFEE WE:

FADE OUT

(F)

FADE IN:

INT. DAPHNE'S BEDROOM — NIGHT — DAY/3
(Daphne, Niles)

DAPHNE SITS ON A CHAIR BY HER DRESSER AS SHE HANGS UP THE PHONE AND NILES SITS ON THE END OF THE BED. THEY ARE BOTH DRESSED READY FOR BED

DAPHNE

She was so upset.

NILES

Are you sure? She sounded as if she was laughing to me.

DAPHNE

That's just Mum's cover. When she's really upset she laughs.

NILES

Wait a second, she was laughing hysterically when you told her we were engaged.

DAPHNE

Expect her to be laughing so hard she'll wet herself at the wedding. Dad truly found it funny. He's been trying to kill Auntie Margaret for years.

NILES

You're kidding?

DAPHNE

Nope. The amount of times he put rat poison in her dinner and it did nothing but give her a lazy eye needs to be seen to be believed. We didn't think anything would kill her. Until she came across my fiery tongue.

NILES

Daphne it's not your fault. I think I'm going to have to put that phrase on tape. She just died, that's the way it goes.

DAPHNE

I wish I could be sure. As a mark of respect I don't think we should go out at all tomorrow.

NILES

But it's Valentine's Day.

DAPHNE

I just feel too guilty. I can't go out celebrating while she's as stiff as a board.

NILES

Well if you insist. Wait a second are those her teeth still on the dresser?

DAPHNE

Yes

NILES

Well that's certainly disturbing but I guess it's not as if she needs them.

DAPHNE CLIMBS INTO THE LEFT HAND SIDE OF THE BED AS NILES JUST STARES AT HER

NILES (CONT'D)

What are you doing?

DAPHNE

Going to bed.

NILES

(RE: THE RIGHT SIDE) But that's your side.

DAPHNE

It is not.

NILES

Yes it is.

DAPHNE

It's not.

NILES

Daphne, the first time that we slept together I had the nerve to accidentally fall asleep on your side while you were in the bathroom and you woke me up by beating me about the head with a pillow.

DAPHNE

You're disoriented, you've got the sides mixed up.

NILES

Listen Daphne, she didn't die on your side, she died on my side.

DAPHNE

Really?

NILES

Really, really, now scoot over.

DAPHNE

No you're lying.

NILES

I'm not.

DAPHNE

Then why won't you sleep on that side?

NILES

Because I'm not used to it. I don't like trying new things.

DAPHNE

I'm not moving.

NILES

But she died right where you are lying and might I add she was naked under the sheets.

DAPHNE

Then why are you so desperate to sleep where a corpse was this morning?

NILES

Because I'm a sick, sick, sick man and I need serious help. I'll find a therapist in the morning but right now indulge me, move over.

DAPHNE

No I know you're lying.

NILES

This is ridiculous, why don't we just go to the Montana?

DAPHNE

Because I don't want to leave her on her own.

NILES

She's not here anymore, she's at the morgue.

DAPHNE

I have to be near her spirit to apologise for what I did to her.

NILES

This doesn't mean you're going to start sleeping next to her grave are you?

DAPHNE

It's still too early to say. But right now I can sense her in the room.

NILES

She's probably come back looking for her teeth.

AS NILES TRIES TO GET DAPHNE TO MOVE OVER SLIGHTLY WE:

FADE OUT

(G)

FADE IN:

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/4
(Frasier, Roz, Niles, Daphne)

FRASIER ENTERS INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH AND SEES ROZ SITTING BEHIND THE GLASS WITH A SMALL OBJECT GRASPED IN HER HAND LOOKING VERY TENSE

FRASIER

Roz what's that?

ROZ

Mace.

FRASIER

Mace? You've brought mace to work with you?

ROZ

That's right.

FRASIER

May I ask what for?

ROZ

For protection since Kenny said I wasn't allowed to bring my cattle prod with me. I think he was afraid I'd use it on you.

FRASIER

I know some of the callers are strange but they can't actually hurt you through the phone. Some may claim to have secret death ray powers but these are also the same people who talk to trees and paint sparrows.

ROZ

It's in case my stalker gets up here.

FRASIER

Is she still following you?

ROZ

Everywhere I go. She tried to get into the toilet cubicle with me in Nervosa but she couldn't quite fit. I found a dead racoon in my mailbox this morning. She is really starting to freak me out.

FRASIER

What does Dean have to say about this?

ROZ

He told her off during one of the obscene phone calls I've been getting but that only seems to have encouraged her even more.

SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING

ROZ (CONT'D)

I'm not answering that.

FRASIER

Roz it's a call in show, you have to answer the phone so I've got someone to talk to, hence the call in part.

ROZ

What if it's her?

FRASIER

What if it's some sick twisted soul that needs help?

ROZ

Exactly what if it's her?

FRASIER

Just do your job.

ROZ

Oh I like this, when you're being stalked it's front page news and you whine like a castrated puppy, but when it's me I just have to be quiet.

FRASIER

Finally you understand.

ROZ

You're on in three.

FRASIER PUTS HIS HEADPHONES ON AND GOES ON AIR

FRASIER

Hello Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane and I'll be with you for the next three hours to answer your calls. So without further ado let's get straight to the phones. Roz who do we have?

ROZ

How should I know? I told you I'm not answering it.

FRASIER

Hello caller I'm listening.

NILES (VO)

Frasier can you please tell Daphne that she didn't kill her Aunt Margaret.

FRASIER

Caller I don't really think this is the time or place for...

NILES (VO)

She's even refusing to go out to dinner tonight. I keep telling her it wasn't her fault but she just won't accept it.

FRASIER

Listen Niles I'm working, I'll speak to you later.

NILES (VO)

Just one quick word and then I'm gone.

FRASIER

Fine, Daphne you didn't kill her, she just died. Roz who do we have next?

ROZ

Line two.

FRASIER

Hello caller.

DAPHNE (VO)

You can tell your brother, that I don't want our dirty laundry washed in public thank you very much.

FRASIER

This is going to be a long day.

AS FRASIER CONTINUES WITH HIS SHOW WE:

FADE OUT

(H)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/4
(Daphne, Niles, Martin)

DAPHNE OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND NILES ENTERS HOLDING A FLOWER

DAPHNE

Hello you.

NILES

I've brought a small peace offering. I'm sorry I called in the show but I can't think of any other way to get you to understand that it wasn't your fault.

DAPHNE

I know you were only trying to help but it's not going to stop me from feeling guilty.

NILES

You didn't kill her.

DAPHNE

I know but I was so mean to her before she died.

NILES

You weren't to know. And you only told her what we all wanted to.

DAPHNE

It's just going to take a while for this pain to go away.

NILES

I know, but it'll go soon.

MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM LOOKING EXTREMELY SMART

DAPHNE

Where are you off to, Mr. fancy-pants?

MARTIN

Meryl called, I'm going out on a date.

NILES

Why did she take so long to call you?

MARTIN

She lost the phone number.

DAPHNE

Then how did she get in contact with you?

MARTIN

She came around to see me this afternoon.

NILES

Wouldn't it have been easier to have just tracked down your phone number then your address and come all the way over here?

MARTIN

She only lives one floor down.

NILES

What?

DAPHNE

Are you talking about Meryl Minnetti?

MARTIN

That's her.

NILES

But if she only lives down stairs why haven't you been to ask her why she hasn't called instead of sulking around here?

MARTIN

I didn't want to seem desperate. See you later don't wait up.

MARTIN EXITS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR

DAPHNE

Well what are we going to do?

NILES

First thing tomorrow, buy you a new mattress.

DAPHNE

I meant tonight. It is Valentine's Day after all.

NILES

I didn't think you wanted to do anything.

DAPHNE

I changed my mind.

NILES

Then it's a good job I didn't cancel our dinner reservations.

THEY BOTH STAND UP AND NILES OPENS THE DOOR

DAPHNE

I'll just be a second.

NILES EXITS AS DAPHNE STARES AROUND THE ROOM

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Goodnight Auntie Margaret. Bye.

AS DAPHNE EXITS AND SHUTS THE DOOR WE:

FADE OUT

(I)

FADE IN:

INT. RESTAURANT — EVENING — DAY/4
(Frasier, Katie, Roz, Dean, Waiter)

FRASIER AND KATIE SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF A HEAVING RESTAURANT LOOKING AT THEIR MENUS

FRASIER

I hope you like seafood.

KATIE

Actually I'm allergic.

FRASIER

Well I'm sure there is something else on the menu. Oh what do you know there isn't. I'm so sorry.

KATIE

No that's fine, I love breadsticks and I'm sure they'll have soup. Or just clam chowder.

FRASIER

This is turning into a bit of a nightmare.

KATIE

The desserts surely can't have fish in them.

FRASIER

I wouldn't put money on it. Shall we try and get in somewhere else? I'm sure there'll be a toilet cubicle available left in one restaurant in the city.

KATIE

Frasier it'll be fine here, I can eat the side salad. The most important thing is that we spend some time together.

FRASIER

Never a truer word spoken. You sure left in a hurry yesterday, where were you off to, if you don't mind my asking?

KATIE

I just had some birds to watch.

FRASIER

You certainly take this bird watching seriously.

FRASIER NOTICES ROZ AND DEAN ENTER AND SIT BEHIND KATIE'S SHOULDER

KATIE

Well we all need a hobby. What's the matter?

FRASIER

My friend just walked in with her date.

KATIE

Do you want to go and say hello?

KATIE TURNS AROUND AND SEES THEM AND IMMEDIATELY RUNS TO THEM

FRASIER

No I'll leave her to her dinner companion and I wouldn't want to abandon you. Although clearly you have no problems abandoning me.

KATIE

You bitch!

DEAN

Katie!

ROZ

Listen psycho will you stop stalking me!

FRASIER JOINS THEM

FRASIER

Roz what is going on?

ROZ

Finally you're here to see this whack job.

FRASIER

What are you talking about?

ROZ

This is the woman who's been stalking me.

DEAN

Katie what are you doing here?

FRASIER

Which woman?

ROZ

The one milking the cow. This crazy loon here.

FRASIER

Katie?

ROZ

You know her?

KATIE

I'm his date.

ROZ

Dear God you're dating my stalker? Are you that desperate for a date?

FRASIER

You're stalking Roz?

DEAN

Katie just go home and leave us alone.

KATIE

How do you know this whore? Is there anyone who belongs to me that you won't try to steal away?

FRASIER

Roz is my friend, how dare you talk to her like that.

KATIE

Dean you love me just admit it.

DEAN

No I don't, I thought you'd take the hint when I started to date the first person I came across to get away from you.

ROZ

You what?

DEAN

That didn't come out like it was supposed to.

ROZ

Get away from me.

KATIE

Dean you're not leaving me again.

DEAN RUNS OUT WITH KATIE FOLLOWING AS FRASIER AND ROZ STARE AFTER THEM AND A WAITER APPROACHES THE TABLE

WAITER

If you don't calm down Sir I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

THE WAITER WALKS AWAY

FRASIER

Thank you, you've just decreased your chances of a tip.

ROZ

Why is it when I go to dinner the only time Sir or Ma'am is used is when it's followed by 'you're making a scene'?

FRASIER

If only there was some clue.

ROZ

I hope you're happy, your date scared off mine.

FRASIER

I've never been more thrilled this is exactly how I wanted to spend Valentine's Day. Lonely.

ROZ

And even more desperate.

FRASIER

You're not really feeling that bad are you?

ROZ

I thought we were talking about you.

FRASIER

I'm going home. I'm not eating on my own.

ROZ

I'm going to be embarrassed in front of the baby sitter.

FRASIER

I know it's not the first time.

ROZ

But this time I'm not naked.

FRASIER

Well you know actually...

ROZ

I am not stripping for you.

FRASIER

I was going to say, unless you'd like to have dinner with me miss?

ROZ

That'll be lovely kind Sir.

FRASIER SITS DOWN

FRASIER

Wonderful.

ROZ

At least we both know how this evening will end up, they'll be no awkward moments.

FRASIER

Yeah.

FRASIER/ROZ

It'll end with a zero.

AS THE WAITER APPROACHES THEM AGAIN WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

CLOSING CREDITS: NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER FROM DAPHNE'S ROOM DRAGGING HER MATTRESS WITH THEM. THEY DRAG IT TO THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM AND LEAN IT UP THE FIRE PLACE. THEY THEN GET A NEW ONE STILL IN PLASTIC FROM BY THE COAT PEGS AND TAKE THAT INTO DAPHNE'S ROOM. WHEN THEY ARE OUT OF SIGHT EDDIE COMES RUNNING OUT OF THE KITCHEN SITS IN FRONT OF THE MATTRESS AND STARTS TO BARK AT IT