I don't own any of these characters. All right belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.

I would be extremely grateful for any feedback so please send it to kelly_simba@hotmail.com. Any feedback at all. Even if it's just one line long. It doesn't even have to be a line, it can just be a single letter. A single letter of your own choice might I add. Am I beginning to sound desperate? Oh well it wouldn't be the first time.

Enjoy...


Frasier
Alternative Season Nine Episode Fourteen
Problem Child

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

TITLE CARD: "IT'S LIKE PUNCH AND JUDY ONLY DIFFERENT"

FADE IN:

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Frasier, Roz, Michael (VO), Helen (VO))

FRASIER AND ROZ SIT ON THEIR RESPECTIVE SIDES OF THE GLASS PARTITION IN THE BOOTH COMING TO THE END OF THE SHOW. FRASIER IS ON THE LINE WITH MICHAEL

FRASIER

Now tell me again Michael why you have locked yourself in the broom closet. And can we have the brief version this time please although I think the longer version might have helped every single insomniac listening, maybe even have killed them. I don't want a health warning to be included at the beginning of my show.

MICHAEL (VO)

Sure Dr. Crane. Because she's outside, she's crazy and she's more dangerous then a monkey let loose with an assault rifle. And I don't mean that in a good way.

FRASIER

That's just a tad too brief, can we have a slightly longer version but not as long as the first one and please leave out the monkey reference this time.

ROZ

Do you want me to time him? I can run and get a stopwatch or an egg timer from across the street.

FRASIER

No that's not necessary thank you Roz.

MICHAEL (VO)

So how long exactly do you want my response to be?

FRASIER

I don't know...average length I guess.

MICHAEL (VO)

Well what is average length?

FRASIER

I don't know, maybe a minute, a minute and a half.

ROZ

But it really depends on the problem. Someone kidnapping squirrels from the park and painting their toenails before selling them on as barbecue meat to unsuspecting tourists with a very poor grasp of the English language usually lasts about a minute before the sobbing starts and the Police arrive.

FRASIER

Where as suddenly discovering that you're dating your biological mother can take anything up to an hour or more depending on how far the relationship has progressed and how many children have been born from it.

MICHAEL (VO)

Then what's average length for a similar problem to mine?

FRASIER

But I really don't know what your problem is yet Michael.

MICHAEL (VO)

Then I'll just aim for a minute. Although does it matter if I go slightly over or slightly under?

FRASIER

(ANNOYED) No it doesn't.

MICHAEL (VO)

Are you sure because I don't want to get into any trouble.

FRASIER

For God's sake will you just tell me what your problem is before I cut you off and I don't mean the phone line you annoying little man!

ROZ

I think you've hit the nail on the head right there.

MICHAEL (VO)

I'm not going to tell you if you use that tone with me. If I want to get yelled at I can just phone my mother at the nursing home and tell her she's not having my kidney.

FRASIER

Just tell me the problem!

MICHAEL (VO)

I think you're the one with the problem Dr. Crane.

FRASIER

Do you want me to help you or not?

MICHAEL (VO)

It's debatable now. What are you doing?!?

HELEN (VO)

Give me that! Dr. Crane this is Michael's wife Helen. There's nothing wrong with him other then he's drunk a bottle of Jack Daniels and locked himself in the broom closet with a tube of glue and a grocery bag full of feathers. Oh my God do you have idea how much that is going to hurt you when I pull them off? It'll sting for a week. You could have at least have given yourself a bikini wax first. Oh my God! Look at that! Stay there I'm going to get my mother to bring the camera.

FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE LINE

FRASIER

I see. Well that's three minutes of my life I'll never get back again and a recurring nightmare that will probably plague me until the day I die. But that's only if I'm lucky. And on that happy and rather pointless note I see that we are all out of time. This is Dr. Frasier Crane saying have a great day Seattle and good mental health especially to Michael's wife who I hope pulls those feathers with all her strength.

AS FRASIER GOES OFF AIR AND TAKES HIS HEADPHONES OFF ROZ ENTERS INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Don't you screen these calls at all?

ROZ

Of course I do. You have no idea some of the freakish things I have to listen to but don't pass on to you. After all that it's amazing that I don't have to call into the show on a regular basis.

FRASIER

And that last guy just happened to slip through your net? Or don't you class sticking feathers to your ass as freaky?

ROZ

No, I thought it would be entertaining.

FRASIER

Entertaining? He's nearly given me a brain haemorrhage from the stress. I have no feeling down the left hand side of my body.

ROZ

I meant entertaining for me.

FRASIER

Well as long as you enjoy yourself who cares about my health?

ROZ

Exactly.

FRASIER

What kind of freakish things?

ROZ

Do you know what colour a marmot is if you turn it completely inside out and keep it as a glove puppet?

FRASIER

I must have been sick the day they lectured on that at Harvard, so no I don't.

ROZ

Well I do. Do you know what the end product of eight generations worth of incest is?

FRASIER

At a guess someone who knows the colour of an inside out marmot. Why would you keep a dead marmot as a glove puppet?

ROZ

When you're sleeping with your sister I guess you're not too fussy what else you do for entertainment.

FRASIER

A point well made.

ROZ

Do you know what...

FRASIER

All right Roz I think I've heard enough.

ROZ

And what would happen if I said that?

FRASIER

You'd be out of a job and I'd have a producer who doesn't whine as much and who fetches me coffee and rubs my feet on command.

ROZ

Do you know what...

SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING

FRASIER

Ah saved by the bell.

ROZ

Do you know what some people do with telephones?

FRASIER

Talk on them?

ROZ

That's not all they do who call in here, some people have found a very unusual place on their body to keep the receiver when they'll not using it. Do you want me to go into detail?

FRASIER

Not one little bit.

FRASIER ANSWERS THE PHONE

FRASIER (CONT'D)

(ON PHONE) Hello? Oh Lilith hello. What's wrong? He did what? Why? That little devil. Of course I want to talk to him about it. You're doing what? That's fine. Put him straight on that plane and I'll talk some sense into him. Okay tomorrow at four. Goodbye Lilith.

FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE

ROZ

What's the matter?

FRASIER

Freddie's been suspended from school.

ROZ

For what?

FRASIER

For setting off the fire alarm.

ROZ

Wow, like father like son. What's brought that on? I'm guessing there wasn't a fire.

FRASIER

Lilith doesn't know. He's been acting up a lot recently. She's flying him over so that I can try to get through to him since he's refusing to speak to her about it.

ROZ

Hey do you know what some of our callers do with fire alarms?

FRASIER

I don't want to hear it.

ROZ

You can't where they put it.

AS FRASIER EXITS OUT OF THE BOOTH WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Niles, Daphne, Martin, Frasier)

DAPHNE MOVES ABOUT THE ROOM TIDYING AS SHE GOES AS NILES FOLLOWS HER AROUND TRYING TO TALK TO HER. THERE ARE VARIOUS NEWSPAPERS AND BEER CANS SCATTERED AROUND

NILES

Daphne can I ask you a question?

DAPHNE

Oh for God's sake how many more times do we have to have this conversation? It's great, honestly, the best ever. Wonderful. You da man.

NILES

I wasn't going to ask that. (THEN) Really?

DAPHNE

What did you want to ask?

NILES TAKES HER HAND AND MAKES HER SIT ON THE COUCH

NILES

I know that we agreed to wait until after the wedding but I've been thinking more and more about it. And the more I think about it the more I want to do it. Daphne Moon will you move in with me?

DAPHNE

What now?

NILES

Well not right now, you've got something in the oven and I have Wine Club tonight, but soon. As soon as possible.

DAPHNE

Niles I'd love to but what about your father?

NILES

What about him? He's not moving in with us as well. I've had that chair their once before. Every now and then you can still smell it in my living room.

DAPHNE

I thought we were going to wait until your brother had found someone to be here when neither of us are. How will he cope on his own when your brother's not here? What if he falls down in the shower?

NILES

We'll put extra traction decal in there. That way if it's hideous we get to annoy Frasier as well.

DAPHNE

What if that gets moved?

NILES

Then we'll glue it to his feet.

DAPHNE

What if he sets the apartment on fire?

NILES

I'm sure Frasier has insurance.

DAPHNE

All right then what if he sets himself on fire?

NILES

Then he'll get a nice all over tan.

DAPHNE

Niles!

NILES

I'm sure Eddie will be able to handle the fire extinguisher. There's too much emphasis these days on opposable thumbs.

DAPHNE

Niles I just can't.

NILES

Why?

DAPHNE

Because I can't.

NILES

That's not an answer.

DAPHNE

Yes it is.

NILES

No it's not, I want more then that.

DAPHNE GETS UP AND STARTS TO TIDY AGAIN

DAPHNE

And I want a fluffy rain cloud as a pet, but we don't always get what we want do we.

DAPHNE STARTS TO GATHER UP ALL THE BEER CANS

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

I mean how can he survive all day on his own when he can't even put a beer can and a newspaper in the bin?!

NILES

(WORRIED) Does this have something to do with me? You don't want to move in with me? Because you know you're going to have to sometime after the wedding, otherwise we won't only be married, we'll be on a trial separation as well.

DAPHNE

All right I confess it's because I'm having a secret passionate affair with your father and I don't want to leave him.

NILES STANDS AND WALKS TO DAPHNE TO STOP HER FROM TIDYING

NILES

Aha I knew it.

DAPHNE

Oh no you didn't. It's been going on for eight years and you haven't suspected a thing.

NILES

Oh yes I did. I knew you didn't need to help him in and out of the bath.

DAPHNE

Okay you've got me there.

NILES

Seriously Daphne what's going on?

DAPHNE

All right it's your brother I'm sleeping with not your father.

NILES

Daphne.

DAPHNE

There's nothing going on this is just sudden. I thought we were going to wait until the wedding before we moved in together.

NILES

I know, but I want you there now. Will you at least give it a little thought? Please?

DAPHNE

I'll try.

THEY KISS

NILES

And I'll try to get that image of you and my father out of my head, maybe alcohol and a lobotomy will help.

AS NILES SITS BACK DOWN ON THE COUCH MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM AND SITS ON HIS CHAIR

MARTIN

What image?

NILES

You with a perm on your motorbike during your midlife crisis.

MARTIN

It wasn't a crisis. I was experimenting.

NILES

Of course you were. Experimenting putting your fork in the toaster by the look of those curls. You looked like Shirley Temple on crack.

MARTIN

You watch out buddy, it'll hit you next. You're the right age.

DAPHNE

Hardly.

NILES

Thank you Daphne.

DAPHNE STANDS BEHIND THE COUCH AND STROKES NILES' HEAD

DAPHNE

He hasn't really got that much hair left to try and perm it. I think his experimenting might stop at using a none brand name moisturiser and nail file.

FRASIER ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR LOOKING GLUM

FRASIER

Hello all.

MARTIN

You look miserable.

NILES

Are you surprised? There's nothing wrong with my hairline, I've just been wearing it short lately because I felt like a change, that doesn't mean I'm having a midlife crisis or going bald. If anyone should be worrying about their hair, it's Frasier.

MARTIN

I was talking to Frasier.

FRASIER

Lilith phoned me at the station.

DAPHNE CONTINUES TO TIDY BEFORE GOING INTO THE BATHROOM

DAPHNE

No wonder you're miserable. People have been driven to drink for less and I might follow them.

DAPHNE COMES BACK INTO THE ROOM AND MARCHES TOWARDS MARTIN

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Is it so hard for you to put the toilet seat down old man?

MARTIN

Oh quit complaining.

DAPHNE

Do you have any idea how annoying it is?

MARTIN

Do you have any idea how annoying your nagging is? Anyway you're out numbered by men here, three to one in this apartment and we want it up.

DAPHNE

Its not three to one Niles doesn't live here.

MARTIN

I was talking about Eddie.

DAPHNE

He doesn't use it.

MARTIN

He drinks from it.

DAPHNE

And will you stop him from doing that as well it's disgusting. He licks the toilet clean and then tries to lick my face.

NILES

That's going to make me think twice in future before kissing your cheek.

MARTIN GETS UP AND STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS HIS ROOM

MARTIN

Nag, nag, nag, nag!

MARTIN EXITS TOWARDS HIS ROOM AS DAPHNE FOLLOWS HIM

DAPHNE

Don't you walk away from me old man I'm not through!

AS DAPHNE EXITS FRASIER AND NILES STARE AFTER THEM

FRASIER

What's wrong with the odd couple?

NILES

I'm not sure they have been fighting a lot lately. What did Lilith want?

FRASIER

Freddie's coming to stay for a few days.

NILES

That's great news.

FRASIER

Not exactly Niles. He's been suspended from school.

NILES

What for?

FRASIER

Setting off the fire alarm. But that's just the straw that broke the donkey's back he's been acting up a lot recently. He let all the monkeys in her lab out, switched Lilith's hair dye with motor oil, and his room looks like a war zone. Lilith can't get to the bottom of what's wrong with him so she's sending him here for me to try to sort out.

NILES

You're joking.

FRASIER

How can I lecture him on this after we did exactly the same thing when we were at school?

NILES

We never freed any monkeys. I knocked over the ant farm once.

FRASIER

I mean setting off the fire alarm.

NILES

We? You did it. I was standing guard at the door.

FRASIER

Whether you like it or not, we both did it Niles.

NILES

Wait a second don't you find it worrying that Lilith is sending him here as punishment.

FRASIER

No she isn't.

NILES

That's what it sounds like.

FRASIER

And it sounds like you don't know the difference between standing guard and having the idea and forcing me to do it.

AS FRASIER GETS UP TO POUR HIMSELF A DRINK WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

FADE IN:

INT. AIRPORT GATE AREA — AFTERNOON — DAY/2
(Niles, Frasier, Freddie)

FRASIER AND NILES STAND OUTSIDE ONE OF THE GATES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BUSY AIRPORT

NILES

Do you think I'm loosing my hair?

FRASIER

(IMMEDIATELY) Yes.

NILES

Don't answer straightaway think about. Take your time.

FRASIER

I don't need to think about. It's thinner then Daphne's red wine sauce. How long will it be before you're wearing something pulled from a pool drain on your head?

NILES GLARES AT FRASIER

NILES

So what are you going to say to him?

FRASIER

What did Dad say to us?

NILES

He didn't, we flatly denied it until thirty years later when he found out gave us the silent treatment for a couple of hours and then spilt beer on your couch and put spaghetti in your shoes.

FRASIER

You know you're such a help Niles I don't know what I'd do without you.

NILES

You'd have had to have taken part in that sports day to start with. That wouldn't have done much for your reputation considering how you run. It wasn't as if you weren't made enough fun of with your haircut.

FRASIER

I just don't know how I'm going to be able to lecture him on it when I've done the same thing myself. I'm just going to sound too hypocritical.

NILES

Finally you're admitting it was a lone act of vandalism.

FRASIER

It wasn't a lone act and it positively was not vandalism.

NILES

Yes it was you broke the glass with the corner of my valise.

FRASIER

You have to do that to press the button.

NILES

Does Freddie actually know that you...

FRASIER

We.

NILES

Did this?

FRASIER

Actually no he doesn't. In that case we...

NILES

You.

THE GATE OPENS AND A LONG LINE OF PASSENGERS ENTER FROM IT INCLUDING FREDDIE

FRASIER

Shut up, we're in the clear. Oh look here he comes. Don't ask him if you're loosing your hair you'll only scare him. Hello Freddie.

FREDDIE

Hi Dad. Hello Uncle Niles.

NILES

Hello Freddie.

FRASIER

God it's good to see you. Come here and give your old man a hug.

FRASIER OPENS UP HIS ARMS TO HUG HIM, FREDDIE DOES NOT LOOK IMPRESSED

FREDDIE

Not now there are people around.

FRASIER

They're strangers.

FREDDIE

We'll be the strange one's if we start hugging here.

FRASIER

Fair enough, although I don't know why you deserve such loving treatment considering what you've done. Have you got some sort of explanation for me young man?

FREDDIE

Dad you can't tell me off for this, you did the same thing.

FREDDIE STARTS TO WALK OFF TOWARDS THE EXIT AS FRASIER AND NILES STARE AFTER HIM

FRASIER

(SHOUTS) I'll have you know young man that it was both of us.

NILES

You pushed the button.

FRASIER

Oh shut up Niles.

AS FRASIER AND NILES FOLLOW FREDDIE TO THE EXIT WE:

FADE OUT

(D)

TITLE CARD: "I'M JUST A TEENAGE DIRTBAG BABY"

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — AFTERNOON — DAY/2
(Daphne, Martin, Frasier, Freddie, Niles)

DAPHNE AND MARTIN STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LIVING ROOM IN MID ARGUMENT

DAPHNE

It drives me up the wall!

MARTIN

How is this my problem?

DAPHNE

You're the one that keeps doing it. Is it so hard to just put the seat down? It's not as if I'm asking you to split the atom every time you use it.

MARTIN

I should ask you the same question.

DAPHNE

I always put the seat down.

MARTIN

Then why do I have to do it if you always do it?

DAPHNE

How about a little common courtesy? And why can't you put your beer cans in the bin? There are no garbage monsters waiting to nibble on your fingers if you put your hand in there.

MARTIN

Because I want to recycle them.

DAPHNE

Then can't you collect them together?

MARTIN

I have.

DAPHNE

But I mean into some sort of bag not in a pyramid on the coffee table for Eddie to knock over.

MARTIN

I don't know what you're problem is but you've been a real pill lately.

DAPHNE

I can tell you what my problem is, he's developing a lard arse because he spends all day sitting in his chair drinking.

FRASIER, NILES AND FREDDIE ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR

FRASIER

Do you two mind? Can you finish World War Three another time please Freddie is here.

MARTIN

Hiya Freddie, how was your flight?

FREDDIE

Long.

DAPHNE

So how have you been?

FREDDIE SLUMPS DOWN ON THE COUCH

FREDDIE

I've been sent here as punishment, how do you think I am?

NILES

I told you it was punishment.

FREDDIE TURNS THE TELEVISION ON

FRASIER

Shut up. This is not punishment but I do want to know what is wrong with you lately. Err no television thank you very much.

FRASIER SWITCHES THE TELEVISION OFF

FREDDIE

No way! You said I wasn't sent here as punishment.

FRASIER

And that's correct, that doesn't mean I can't punish you though. And that'll begin with no telephone, no computer games and no television.

FREDDIE

Can I at least have a stick to play with or is that too much of a privilege for a devil child like me to have?

FRASIER

To start with young man you can go straight to your room, unpack and stay there until you learn to change that tone.

FREDDIE PICKS UP HIS BAG AND STOMPS OFF TOWARDS FRASIER'S ROOM

NILES

Hasn't he grown into a lovely young man?

MARTIN

He's grown into a tiny Lilith. All he needs is to loose all skin pigmentation and grow his hair into a bun.

DAPHNE

I thought I was getting a migraine, Freddie's developed her powers of mind control.

MARTIN

It's surprising I don't have one thanks to your nagging.

DAPHNE

Well if you didn't...

FRASIER

Do you two mind? I have enough problems at the moment without you two going after one another. If you want to fight go down to the street where the Police can break it up.

MARTIN

Fine I'll be in my room duct taping my toilet seat up.

MARTIN EXITS TOWARDS HIS ROOM

DAPHNE

While you're at it try sticking your head down it and flush it.

DAPHNE EXITS TOWARDS HER ROOM

FRASIER

I wonder what's wrong.

NILES

I know, I've never heard them speak to one another like this. I have fears about arriving one day to find that one has set the other one on fire.

FRASIER

I was talking about Freddie. I've got to find some way to get him to tell me what's wrong with him.

NILES

Oh Frasier don't worry about it. He's a teenager this is what teenagers do. Surely you remember that age.

FRASIER

Niles we spent our teenage years attending dance class and chess club. Basing what I'm going to say to him on our experiences isn't going to help. It's just going to show him what girls we once were and that cheerleading outfits don't suit us.

NILES

Then just tell him next time he sets off the fire alarm to make sure he starts a fire to go with it.

AS NILES EXITS TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(E)

TITLE CARD: "SURGEON GENERAL IS MORE BELIEVABLE"

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/3
(Roz, Daphne, Frasier, Martin, Niles, Freddie)

MARTIN AND NILES SIT AT THE TABLE EATING BREAKFAST AS FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS

ROZ

Okay I'm here, now are you going to tell me what it is I have to do? And keep in mind I'm not rubbing any part of you for all the money in the world.

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AND SLAMS A JUG OF MILK IN FRONT OF MARTIN BEFORE SITTING DOWN AT THE TABLE

DAPHNE

Here's your milk.

ROZ

Is it just me or can you actually see the tension filling the room? There's almost a black haze coming over the horizon.

FRASIER

Dad and Daphne are currently having a standoff.

MARTIN

(TO NILES) Can you ask your fiancée to pass me the butter please?

NILES

Why don't you ask her yourself?

MARTIN

Because I don't want to, Niles just pass me the butter.

DAPHNE

Don't you dare, if that lard arse wants something he can bloody well get it himself.

MARTIN

Are you going to take orders from a woman?

NILES

I always have done in the past.

MARTIN

Whipped.

DAPHNE

Don't you talk to him like that!

NILES

I think I'm going to go and have breakfast down by the docks with fifty-dollar bills sticking out from all my pockets. It might be less dangerous. At the worst they'll take my kidneys.

FRASIER

Can I get you a coffee Roz? Maybe even a bulletproof vest and a stun gun to join in this war?

ROZ SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH

ROZ

Just a coffee thank you. So what did you want me for?

FRASIER

I want you to have a talk with Freddie.

ROZ

What kind of talk? The birds and the bees are really your department although I understand if it's been so long you've forgotten the basics.

NILES

We want you to scare him stupid.

ROZ

And how exactly do I achieve that? Tell him ghost stories? Or just dating stories about you? Your sex life is enough to scare any child, let alone your son.

FRASIER

I want you to talk about yourself.

ROZ

Why?

NILES

We told you we want to scare him stupid.

ROZ

Then why don't you run in front of him?

FRASIER

Just tell him what kind of things you got up to in school.

ROZ

Why would that scare him?

FRASIER

Well he'll hear what you were like then, see what you're like now, put two and two together and be put on the path of the straight and narrow.

ROZ

(OBVIOUSLY OFFENDED) Why don't you just right out and offend me?

NILES

Okay if you insist. Seeing how you've turned out will make him see the error of his ways.

ROZ

Come here and say that.

NILES

I'd rather stay over here thanks where it's safe.

DAPHNE SLAMS HER COFFEE CUP DOWN

NILES (CONT'D)

Well where it's safer.

ROZ

I don't have to sit here and take this.

FRASIER

Roz you misunderstand.

ROZ

I'm a pioneer. I'm the first award winning radio producer in KACL history. There should be statues of me in the lobby.

FRASIER

Roz what I mean is Freddie knows all of our school stories except yours. Make some wild stories up and tell him how they ended your dream of being the first female President.

ROZ

And Freddie is going to believe that I wanted to be President?

FREDDIE ENTERS FROM FRASIER'S BEDROOM

FRASIER

It's worth a try. Shhhh he's coming. Good morning Frederick.

FREDDIE

Hello. Can I have breakfast or am I on a bread and water diet?

FRASIER

Change your tone and maybe.

FREDDIE

(SARCASTIC) I'm sorry daddy can I have some breakfast please?

FRASIER

Bread and water it is. Niles, Dad, Daphne come and help me while Roz has a chat with Freddie.

FRASIER, MARTIN, NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN AS FREDDIE SITS NEXT TO ROZ ON THE COUCH

FREDDIE

You want to talk to me? Aren't I a little young for you?

ROZ

Hey I'm not your mother so drop the attitude. Your Dad is really worried about you. He wants me to have a little chat with you. Now when I was your age I did some pretty wild things at school...

FREDDIE

Roz I don't want to be rude but don't bother. I overheard Dad on the phone to Mom last night telling her what he wanted you to do.

ROZ

Is there any chance you'll pretend I helped?

FREDDIE

Sure.

ROZ

So why did you do it? Over a girl?

FREDDIE

No.

ROZ

But I bet it attracted the girls didn't it?

FREDDIE

I'm the new school bad boy.

ROZ

Well then congratulations. Don't tell your father I said that.

FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN

FRASIER

Is everything all right in here?

FREDDIE

Sure, can I have my breakfast now?

FRASIER

It's on the counter.

FREDDIE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN AS FRASIER WATCHES HIM GO BEFORE APPROACHING ROZ

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Well what happened?

ROZ

I think Freddie has seen the light. You know I've really missed my calling. I should have been a psychiatrist.

NILES ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN

ROZ (CONT'D)

Then you could bring me coffee and rub me.

NILES

I don't want that explained.

FRASIER

It really worked?

ROZ

(OBVIOUSLY LYING) Yeah sure, I'm a miracle worker.

NILES

He overheard Frasier talking to Lilith last night didn't he?

ROZ

Yes.

FREDDIE

(OFF STAGE) Dad!

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE STANDS BY THE SINK HOLDING A WHISK IN A THREATENING MANNER TOWARDS MARTIN WHILE HE GRASPS HIS CANE BY THE DOOR WITH FREDDIE TAKING COVER AROUND THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ISLAND

DAPHNE

I'm warning you old man.

FRASIER, ROZ AND NILES ENTER WITH NILES IMMEDIATELY GOING TO DAPHNE, FRASIER STANDING BETWEEN THEM AND ROZ STANDING BY THE DOOR

FRASIER

Will you two both stop it! Two dogs sharing a lamb chop would not fight as much as you two!

MARTIN

I'm not doing anything, she's the one with the weapon.

DAPHNE

Me? You've got a bloody great big club in your hand.

MARTIN

I need it to walk.

NILES

Both of you put your weapons down.

DAPHNE

It's a whisk I'm cooking.

MARTIN

And that makes what difference? Your cooking is more dangerous then anything else in this kitchen.

DAPHNE LUNGES TOWARDS MARTIN BUT NILES MANAGES TO GRAB HER FIRST

FRASIER

All right that's enough. Daphne put your whisk down.

DAPHNE

Then move his cane.

FRASIER MOVES MARTIN'S CANE AWAY FROM HIM

MARTIN

How am I supposed to get back in the living room?

DAPHNE

I'll kick you back in there.

NILES

Daphne put your whisk down.

DAPHNE PUTS THE WHISK ON THE FLOOR

MARTIN

Get her to kick it over here.

FRASIER

No one is kicking any of my kitchen utensils.

NILES

How about I just pick it up?

NILES PICKS UP THE WHISK AND PUTS IT ON THE ISLAND

FRASIER

Now what is the matter with the lot of you? And I include you Freddie in that.

MARTIN

Nothing. I can't do anything without being screamed at.

FRASIER

And how about you two?

DAPHNE

Nothing.

FREDDIE

Nothing.

ROZ

I love playing happy families at your place Frasier.

AS THEY ALL START TO EXIT BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM WE:

FADE OUT

(F)

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/3
(Frasier, Niles, Roz)

FRASIER AND NILES SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF NERVOSA WITH FRASIER BURYING HIS HEAD IN A PILE OF BOOKS AND JOURNALS AS NILES HANGS A SPOON OVER HIS HEAD

FRASIER

There has got to be something I'm missing. Maybe getting him an appointment with a child psychologist might be beneficial. What do you think Niles? Niles? Niles!

NILES

What?

FRASIER

Will you put the spoon down? What are you doing?

NILES

It's comforting. I like the way it feels in my hand. Oooh steel.

FRASIER

You like the feel of a spoon in your hand?

NILES

It's my fetish let me enjoy it.

FRASIER

Then why are you lifting it above your head?

NILES

It's a light form of weight training. I'm trying to buff up.

FRASIER

You're exercising with a spoon?

NILES

It's not as crazy as it sounds. Body builders do it all the time. Granted they might be arthritic pigmy size body builders but that's not what is important.

FRASIER

You're trying to see that bald spot on your head aren't you?

NILES

(FRANTIC) Bald spot? Where? I can't see it.

FRASIER

I knew it. Stop trying to look at your hair.

NILES

Where is it? How big is it? Solar panel big?

FRASIER

Niles I'm joking. Now put the spoon down and help me.

NILES

What makes you think the answers to Freddie's problems are going to be found in there?

FRASIER

Because I've exhausted every other avenue.

NILES

Have you ever thought it could do with something in his early childhood?

FRASIER

What like?

NILES

Making him crawl through a maze as a baby to get to his bottle?

FRASIER

Lilith did that, I had nothing to do with it.

NILES

Nothing?

FRASIER

All right I was standing guard at the door in case one of the lab assistance came back.

NILES

It seems to me you don't know the difference between standing guard at the door and having the idea and putting him in the maze.

FRASIER

Oh shut up and help me.

NILES PICKS UP THE COFFEE LIST

NILES

I am helping.

FRASIER

Help by reading.

NILES

They have a strawberry flavoured coffee?

FRASIER

The psychiatric journals not the menu.

NILES

Technically it's not a menu.

FRASIER

Shut up.

NILES

This may sound slightly stupid but have you actually sat down and talked to him about it?

FRASIER

You're right it does sound stupid. Of course I've spoken to him about it. All I get from him is attitude before he goes and sulks in my room. Not that I can blame him with Dad and Daphne going at it all the time.

NILES

Daphne keeps blaming Dad and Dad keeps blaming Daphne. I don't know who to believe.

ROZ ENTERS AND STANDS BEHIND NILES

ROZ

Niles what's wrong with your hair?

NILES

What? Oh my God! Get out of my way.

NILES JUMPS OUT OF HIS SEAT AND SPRINTS TO THE BATHROOM

ROZ

What's his problem? He'd got a feather on top of it from somewhere.

AS ROZ SITS DOWN IN NILES' NOW VACATED CHAIR WE:

FADE OUT

(G)

TITLE CARD: "KEEPING A LID ON THINGS"

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/3
(Daphne, Freddie, Frasier, Niles, Martin)

FREDDIE SITS ON THE COUCH WATCHING THE TELEVISION WITH HIS FEET ON THE COFFEE TABLE AS DAPHNE POTTERS ABOUT BEHIND HIM

DAPHNE

You better not let your father catch you doing that. I'm not taking the blame for you the way you've been speaking to everyone. Where that nice little boy I was going to marry went to I don't know.

FREDDIE

He went away.

DAPHNE

Well I wish he'd come back.

DAPHNE OPENS THE BATHROOM DOOR

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

I don't believe it! Every single time! What is wrong with that man?

FREDDIE

What's the matter?

DAPHNE

Nothing. That's it I've had enough.

DAPHNE GOES TO THE DESK BY THE KITCHEN AND GETS A TUBE OF GLUE FROM THE DRAWER BEFORE GOING BACK TO THE BATHROOM AND STARTS TO PUT IT ON THE UNDERSIDE OF THE TOILET SEAT

FREDDIE

What are you doing? You're glueing the toilet seat down? Don't you think that's a little...

DAPHNE

Over the top?

FREDDIE

I was going to say completely and utterly insane.

DAPHNE

Never you mind what I'm doing.

FREDDIE

Okay but you'd better not let my father catch you doing that. I'm not going to take the blame for you the way you've been speaking to Grandpa.

DAPHNE PUTS THE SEAT DOWN BEFORE PUTTING THE GLUE BACK IN THE DRAWER

DAPHNE

You get more like your father everyday, something that I'm sure Lilith will be thrilled to bits about.

FREDDIE

What have you done it for?

DAPHNE

I haven't done anything, now hop it and watch the television.

FRASIER AND NILES ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR CAUSING DAPHNE TO JUMP

FRASIER

Hello Freddie.

FREDDIE

Oh Dad Daphne had...

DAPHNE

The television on, I forgot he wasn't allowed to watch it.

FRASIER

That doesn't matter.

DAPHNE

You can finish off the ice cream after dinner.

DAPHNE GLARES AT FREDDIE AS HE CHEEKILY SMILES BACK

FRASIER

Freddie I'd like to have a talk with you please.

FREDDIE

Another one? Haven't you talked enough?

FRASIER

No I haven't and just for that I'm going to make it even longer.

NILES

Oh Daphne how about you show me that thing in the kitchen.

DAPHNE

What a good idea.

NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN

FREDDIE

That was subtle.

FRASIER

Freddie what is going on?

MARTIN ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND SEEING THE CONVERSATION TAKING PLACE QUIETLY HANGS HIS COAT UP

FREDDIE

I told you nothing.

FRASIER

And you expect me to believe that? Something is obvious bothering you and causing you to act up like this.

MARTIN QUIETLY EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM SHUTTING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM

FREDDIE

Dad you can't try to play the overprotective, concerned parent when I haven't seen you for over three months. It just doesn't work.

FRASIER

Freddie, I...

MARTIN

(OFF STAGE) Frasier! Frasier! Get in here!

FRASIER

Where are you?

MARTIN

(OFF STAGE) I'm in the bathroom.

FRASIER

I'm not sure I really want to.

MARTIN

Just get in here.

FRASIER

Are you wearing pants?

MARTIN

Of course I'm wearing pants.

FRASIER AND FREDDIE GET UP AND EXIT INTO THE BATHROOM

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S BATHROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN IS STANDING IN FRONT OF THE TOILET WITH HIS HAND TOUCHING THE UNDER SIDE OF THE SEAT AS FRASIER AND FREDDIE ENTER

FRASIER

What's the matter?

MARTIN

It's stuck.

FRASIER

Oh dear God Dad! As much as I want to help you I also want to be able to look you in the face again.

MARTIN

Get your mind out of the gutter; I'm talking about my hand. It's stuck to the toilet seat.

FRASIER BENDS DOWN AND EXAMINES THE SEAT

FRASIER

It's covered in glue. Freddie what have you done?

FREDDIE

I haven't done anything.

NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER

NILES

What's going on?

FRASIER

Dad's glued to the toilet seat.

DAPHNE

Uh-oh.

MARTIN

Wait a second you did this?

DAPHNE

I didn't mean to.

MARTIN

What the glue just happened to leap out of the tube and land on the toilet seat?

DAPHNE

No I didn't mean for you to stick to it. I just meant to stick it down so you couldn't leave it up any more. Use some nail polish remover that usually works. I'll go and heat up some water.

DAPHNE QUICKLY EXITS BEFORE FREDDIE FOLLOWS HER

FRASIER

Hold on Dad I'll get you off there.

MARTIN

I'm just thankful I never sat down.

FRASIER

I think we're all thankful for that.

NILES TURNS HIS ATTENTION AWAY FROM MARTIN AND STARTS TO LOOK AT HIS HAIR IN THE MIRROR

NILES

Maybe if I comb it differently it will look thicker.

FRASIER

What are you talking about?

NILES

I should start to grow it longer again.

FRASIER

Niles, our father is glued to a toilet seat by your fiancée and all you're concerned about is your hair?

NILES

No I'm concerned about where she'll put the glue if I upset her. I do have that civil war ramrod lying around my apartment you know.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

FREDDIE ENTERS AS DAPHNE WAITS FOR THE TAP WATER TO HEAT UP

FREDDIE

Daphne what's the matter?

DAPHNE

Nothing.

FREDDIE

Daphne you don't glue old men to toilet seats over nothing.

DAPHNE

Why should I tell you when you won't tell me?

FREDDIE

You tell me then I'll tell you.

DAPHNE

Honest?

FREDDIE

Yes.

DAPHNE

Oh all right, what harm can it do? Your uncle asked me to move in with him.

FREDDIE

And?

DAPHNE

It just took me by surprise. I thought we were going to wait until after the wedding. I'd set a date for when I was leaving and I've been working towards it. I'm going to miss you father and your Grandfather so much I guess I was just trying to create as much distance between us as possible so that I wouldn't miss them as much. And yelling at him every five minutes has been helping so far.

FREDDIE

It sounds to me like separation anxiety.

DAPHNE

Excuse me?

FREDDIE

Oh come on, you do know who my parents are don't you? In preschool I was the only kid there who when we played doctors and nurses with our teddy bears used to diagnose them with advanced schizophrenia with paranoid tendencies.

DAPHNE

Fair enough.

FREDDIE

But won't that bring you closer to Grandpa? You're going to be his daughter-in-law. That doesn't mean you're never going to see him again.

DAPHNE

Knowing that and registering that fact are two different things. All right Mr. Smarty pants what's been going on with you?

FREDDIE

It's embarrassing.

DAPHNE

So was mine.

FREDDIE

You're getting married.

DAPHNE

What?

FREDDIE

You're getting married and your going to leave, just like everyone else.

DAPHNE

Like who?

FREDDIE

Dad left me. I hardly see him at all. Then Brian left after he promised he wouldn't. He now lives with mom's contractor and buys unusual shaped teapots. And now you're leaving. What is it about me that people don't want to be around? No one wanted to be around the old me so I don't see the problem with no one wanting to be around the new me.

DAPHNE

Freddie none of that has anything to do with you. Your Mom and Dad didn't love each other any more that had nothing to do with you. They both love you more then anything. And I'm sure Brian feels the same way. I'm not leaving you. I'm marrying your uncle. I'm going to be your auntie, although if you ever call me that I'll kill you. Isn't that going to bring us closer? We're going to be family. (THEN) You know what I think we've both had the same problem.

FREDDIE

Are we still going to see each other as much?

DAPHNE

Of course you will, I'll be with Niles and you see a lot of him now don't you? It'll even mean that you can come and stop with us every now and then when you come and visit.

FREDDIE

Thank you Daphne.

THEY HUG BEFORE DAPHNE FILLS A BOWL UP WITH WARM WATER

DAPHNE

Nope, thank you Freddie. We'd best help get your Grandfather off the toilet seat. Oh wait. Will you do me a favour and help let your father work all this out. I can't cope with his pouting that he's been out psycho babbled by me.

FREDDIE

Yeah but what's worse, him pouting or thinking he's God's gift to psychiatry?

DAPHNE

Good point. Just behave yourself and let your mother work it out.

AS DAPHNE AND FREDDIE EXIT INTO THE LIVING ROOM WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

CLOSING CREDITS: MARTIN IS STILL STUCK TO THE TOILET SEAT AS FRASIER TRIES TO GET HIM OFF BY APPLYING NAIL VARNISH REMOVER. EVENTUALLY MARTIN MANAGES TO PULL HIS HAND FREE. DAPHNE ONCE AGAIN APOLOGISES TO HIM AS HE LEAVES THE BATHROOM. FRASIER STANDS UP AND GOES TO LEAVE EXCEPT IN THE PROCESS OF REMOVING MARTIN HE HIMSELF SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN GLUED TO THE SEAT. HE LOOKS TO DAPHNE FOR HELP WHO STARTS TO TRY TO PRY HIM OFF.