I don't own any of these characters. All right belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
I would be extremely grateful for any feedback so please send it to kelly_simba@hotmail.com. Any feedback at all. Even if it's just one line long. It doesn't even have to be a line, it can just be a single letter. A single letter of your own choice might I add. Am I beginning to sound desperate? Oh well it wouldn't be the first time.
Enjoy...
Alternative Season Nine Episode Fourteen
Problem Child
By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)
ACT ONE(A)
TITLE CARD: "IT'S LIKE PUNCH AND JUDY ONLY DIFFERENT"
FADE IN:
INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Frasier, Roz, Michael (VO), Helen (VO))
FRASIER AND ROZ SIT ON THEIR RESPECTIVE SIDES OF THE GLASS PARTITION IN THE BOOTH COMING TO THE END OF THE SHOW. FRASIER IS ON THE LINE WITH MICHAEL
FRASIER
Now tell me again Michael why you have locked yourself in the broom closet. And can we have the brief version this time please although I think the longer version might have helped every single insomniac listening, maybe even have killed them. I don't want a health warning to be included at the beginning of my show.
MICHAEL (VO)
Sure Dr. Crane. Because she's outside, she's crazy and she's more dangerous then a monkey let loose with an assault rifle. And I don't mean that in a good way.
FRASIER
That's just a tad too brief, can we have a slightly longer version but not as long as the first one and please leave out the monkey reference this time.
ROZ
Do you want me to time him? I can run and get a stopwatch or an egg timer from across the street.
FRASIER
No that's not necessary thank you Roz.
MICHAEL (VO)
So how long exactly do you want my response to be?
FRASIER
I don't know...average length I guess.
MICHAEL (VO)
Well what is average length?
FRASIER
I don't know, maybe a minute, a minute and a half.
ROZ
But it really depends on the problem. Someone kidnapping squirrels from the park and painting their toenails before selling them on as barbecue meat to unsuspecting tourists with a very poor grasp of the English language usually lasts about a minute before the sobbing starts and the Police arrive.
FRASIER
Where as suddenly discovering that you're dating your biological mother can take anything up to an hour or more depending on how far the relationship has progressed and how many children have been born from it.
MICHAEL (VO)
Then what's average length for a similar problem to mine?
FRASIER
But I really don't know what your problem is yet Michael.
MICHAEL (VO)
Then I'll just aim for a minute. Although does it matter if I go slightly over or slightly under?
FRASIER
(ANNOYED) No it doesn't.
MICHAEL (VO)
Are you sure because I don't want to get into any trouble.
FRASIER
For God's sake will you just tell me what your problem is before I cut you off and I don't mean the phone line you annoying little man!
ROZ
I think you've hit the nail on the head right there.
MICHAEL (VO)
I'm not going to tell you if you use that tone with me. If I want to get yelled at I can just phone my mother at the nursing home and tell her she's not having my kidney.
FRASIER
Just tell me the problem!
MICHAEL (VO)
I think you're the one with the problem Dr. Crane.
FRASIER
Do you want me to help you or not?
MICHAEL (VO)
It's debatable now. What are you doing?!?
HELEN (VO)
Give me that! Dr. Crane this is Michael's wife Helen. There's nothing wrong with him other then he's drunk a bottle of Jack Daniels and locked himself in the broom closet with a tube of glue and a grocery bag full of feathers. Oh my God do you have idea how much that is going to hurt you when I pull them off? It'll sting for a week. You could have at least have given yourself a bikini wax first. Oh my God! Look at that! Stay there I'm going to get my mother to bring the camera.
FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE LINE
FRASIER
I see. Well that's three minutes of my life I'll never get back again and a recurring nightmare that will probably plague me until the day I die. But that's only if I'm lucky. And on that happy and rather pointless note I see that we are all out of time. This is Dr. Frasier Crane saying have a great day Seattle and good mental health especially to Michael's wife who I hope pulls those feathers with all her strength.
AS FRASIER GOES OFF AIR AND TAKES HIS HEADPHONES OFF ROZ ENTERS INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Don't you screen these calls at all?
ROZ
Of course I do. You have no idea some of the freakish things I have to listen to but don't pass on to you. After all that it's amazing that I don't have to call into the show on a regular basis.
FRASIER
And that last guy just happened to slip through your net? Or don't you class sticking feathers to your ass as freaky?
ROZ
No, I thought it would be entertaining.
FRASIER
Entertaining? He's nearly given me a brain haemorrhage from the stress. I have no feeling down the left hand side of my body.
ROZ
I meant entertaining for me.
FRASIER
Well as long as you enjoy yourself who cares about my health?
ROZ
Exactly.
FRASIER
What kind of freakish things?
ROZ
Do you know what colour a marmot is if you turn it completely inside out and keep it as a glove puppet?
FRASIER
I must have been sick the day they lectured on that at Harvard, so no I don't.
ROZ
Well I do. Do you know what the end product of eight generations worth of incest is?
FRASIER
At a guess someone who knows the colour of an inside out marmot. Why would you keep a dead marmot as a glove puppet?
ROZ
When you're sleeping with your sister I guess you're not too fussy what else you do for entertainment.
FRASIER
A point well made.
ROZ
Do you know what...
FRASIER
All right Roz I think I've heard enough.
ROZ
And what would happen if I said that?
FRASIER
You'd be out of a job and I'd have a producer who doesn't whine as much and who fetches me coffee and rubs my feet on command.
ROZ
Do you know what...
SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING
FRASIER
Ah saved by the bell.
ROZ
Do you know what some people do with telephones?
FRASIER
Talk on them?
ROZ
That's not all they do who call in here, some people have found a very unusual place on their body to keep the receiver when they'll not using it. Do you want me to go into detail?
FRASIER
Not one little bit.
FRASIER ANSWERS THE PHONE
FRASIER (CONT'D)
(ON PHONE) Hello? Oh Lilith hello. What's wrong? He did what? Why? That little devil. Of course I want to talk to him about it. You're doing what? That's fine. Put him straight on that plane and I'll talk some sense into him. Okay tomorrow at four. Goodbye Lilith.
FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE
ROZ
What's the matter?
FRASIER
Freddie's been suspended from school.
ROZ
For what?
FRASIER
For setting off the fire alarm.
ROZ
Wow, like father like son. What's brought that on? I'm guessing there wasn't a fire.
FRASIER
Lilith doesn't know. He's been acting up a lot recently. She's flying him over so that I can try to get through to him since he's refusing to speak to her about it.
ROZ
Hey do you know what some of our callers do with fire alarms?
FRASIER
I don't want to hear it.
ROZ
You can't where they put it.
AS FRASIER EXITS OUT OF THE BOOTH WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Niles, Daphne, Martin, Frasier)
DAPHNE MOVES ABOUT THE ROOM TIDYING AS SHE GOES AS NILES FOLLOWS HER AROUND TRYING TO TALK TO HER. THERE ARE VARIOUS NEWSPAPERS AND BEER CANS SCATTERED AROUND
NILES
Daphne can I ask you a question?
DAPHNE
Oh for God's sake how many more times do we have to have this conversation? It's great, honestly, the best ever. Wonderful. You da man.
NILES
I wasn't going to ask that. (THEN) Really?
DAPHNE
What did you want to ask?
NILES TAKES HER HAND AND MAKES HER SIT ON THE COUCH
NILES
I know that we agreed to wait until after the wedding but I've been thinking more and more about it. And the more I think about it the more I want to do it. Daphne Moon will you move in with me?
DAPHNE
What now?
NILES
Well not right now, you've got something in the oven and I have Wine Club tonight, but soon. As soon as possible.
DAPHNE
Niles I'd love to but what about your father?
NILES
What about him? He's not moving in with us as well. I've had that chair their once before. Every now and then you can still smell it in my living room.
DAPHNE
I thought we were going to wait until your brother had found someone to be here when neither of us are. How will he cope on his own when your brother's not here? What if he falls down in the shower?
NILES
We'll put extra traction decal in there. That way if it's hideous we get to annoy Frasier as well.
DAPHNE
What if that gets moved?
NILES
Then we'll glue it to his feet.
DAPHNE
What if he sets the apartment on fire?
NILES
I'm sure Frasier has insurance.
DAPHNE
All right then what if he sets himself on fire?
NILES
Then he'll get a nice all over tan.
DAPHNE
Niles!
NILES
I'm sure Eddie will be able to handle the fire extinguisher. There's too much emphasis these days on opposable thumbs.
DAPHNE
Niles I just can't.
NILES
Why?
DAPHNE
Because I can't.
NILES
That's not an answer.
DAPHNE
Yes it is.
NILES
No it's not, I want more then that.
DAPHNE GETS UP AND STARTS TO TIDY AGAIN
DAPHNE
And I want a fluffy rain cloud as a pet, but we don't always get what we want do we.
DAPHNE STARTS TO GATHER UP ALL THE BEER CANS
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
I mean how can he survive all day on his own when he can't even put a beer can and a newspaper in the bin?!
NILES
(WORRIED) Does this have something to do with me? You don't want to move in with me? Because you know you're going to have to sometime after the wedding, otherwise we won't only be married, we'll be on a trial separation as well.
DAPHNE
All right I confess it's because I'm having a secret passionate affair with your father and I don't want to leave him.
NILES STANDS AND WALKS TO DAPHNE TO STOP HER FROM TIDYING
NILES
Aha I knew it.
DAPHNE
Oh no you didn't. It's been going on for eight years and you haven't suspected a thing.
NILES
Oh yes I did. I knew you didn't need to help him in and out of the bath.
DAPHNE
Okay you've got me there.
NILES
Seriously Daphne what's going on?
DAPHNE
All right it's your brother I'm sleeping with not your father.
NILES
Daphne.
DAPHNE
There's nothing going on this is just sudden. I thought we were going to wait until the wedding before we moved in together.
NILES
I know, but I want you there now. Will you at least give it a little thought? Please?
DAPHNE
I'll try.
THEY KISS
NILES
And I'll try to get that image of you and my father out of my head, maybe alcohol and a lobotomy will help.
AS NILES SITS BACK DOWN ON THE COUCH MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM AND SITS ON HIS CHAIR
MARTIN
What image?
NILES
You with a perm on your motorbike during your midlife crisis.
MARTIN
It wasn't a crisis. I was experimenting.
NILES
Of course you were. Experimenting putting your fork in the toaster by the look of those curls. You looked like Shirley Temple on crack.
MARTIN
You watch out buddy, it'll hit you next. You're the right age.
DAPHNE
Hardly.
NILES
Thank you Daphne.
DAPHNE STANDS BEHIND THE COUCH AND STROKES NILES' HEAD
DAPHNE
He hasn't really got that much hair left to try and perm it. I think his experimenting might stop at using a none brand name moisturiser and nail file.
FRASIER ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR LOOKING GLUM
FRASIER
Hello all.
MARTIN
You look miserable.
NILES
Are you surprised? There's nothing wrong with my hairline, I've just been wearing it short lately because I felt like a change, that doesn't mean I'm having a midlife crisis or going bald. If anyone should be worrying about their hair, it's Frasier.
MARTIN
I was talking to Frasier.
FRASIER
Lilith phoned me at the station.
DAPHNE CONTINUES TO TIDY BEFORE GOING INTO THE BATHROOM
DAPHNE
No wonder you're miserable. People have been driven to drink for less and I might follow them.
DAPHNE COMES BACK INTO THE ROOM AND MARCHES TOWARDS MARTIN
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Is it so hard for you to put the toilet seat down old man?
MARTIN
Oh quit complaining.
DAPHNE
Do you have any idea how annoying it is?
MARTIN
Do you have any idea how annoying your nagging is? Anyway you're out numbered by men here, three to one in this apartment and we want it up.
DAPHNE
Its not three to one Niles doesn't live here.
MARTIN
I was talking about Eddie.
DAPHNE
He doesn't use it.
MARTIN
He drinks from it.
DAPHNE
And will you stop him from doing that as well it's disgusting. He licks the toilet clean and then tries to lick my face.
NILES
That's going to make me think twice in future before kissing your cheek.
MARTIN GETS UP AND STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS HIS ROOM
MARTIN
Nag, nag, nag, nag!
MARTIN EXITS TOWARDS HIS ROOM AS DAPHNE FOLLOWS HIM
DAPHNE
Don't you walk away from me old man I'm not through!
AS DAPHNE EXITS FRASIER AND NILES STARE AFTER THEM
FRASIER
What's wrong with the odd couple?
NILES
I'm not sure they have been fighting a lot lately. What did Lilith want?
FRASIER
Freddie's coming to stay for a few days.
NILES
That's great news.
FRASIER
Not exactly Niles. He's been suspended from school.
NILES
What for?
FRASIER
Setting off the fire alarm. But that's just the straw that broke the donkey's back he's been acting up a lot recently. He let all the monkeys in her lab out, switched Lilith's hair dye with motor oil, and his room looks like a war zone. Lilith can't get to the bottom of what's wrong with him so she's sending him here for me to try to sort out.
NILES
You're joking.
FRASIER
How can I lecture him on this after we did exactly the same thing when we were at school?
NILES
We never freed any monkeys. I knocked over the ant farm once.
FRASIER
I mean setting off the fire alarm.
NILES
We? You did it. I was standing guard at the door.
FRASIER
Whether you like it or not, we both did it Niles.
NILES
Wait a second don't you find it worrying that Lilith is sending him here as punishment.
FRASIER
No she isn't.
NILES
That's what it sounds like.
FRASIER
And it sounds like you don't know the difference between standing guard and having the idea and forcing me to do it.
AS FRASIER GETS UP TO POUR HIMSELF A DRINK WE:
FADE OUT
(C)
FADE IN:
INT. AIRPORT GATE AREA — AFTERNOON — DAY/2
(Niles, Frasier, Freddie)
FRASIER AND NILES STAND OUTSIDE ONE OF THE GATES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BUSY AIRPORT
NILES
Do you think I'm loosing my hair?
FRASIER
(IMMEDIATELY) Yes.
NILES
Don't answer straightaway think about. Take your time.
FRASIER
I don't need to think about. It's thinner then Daphne's red wine sauce. How long will it be before you're wearing something pulled from a pool drain on your head?
NILES GLARES AT FRASIER
NILES
So what are you going to say to him?
FRASIER
What did Dad say to us?
NILES
He didn't, we flatly denied it until thirty years later when he found out gave us the silent treatment for a couple of hours and then spilt beer on your couch and put spaghetti in your shoes.
FRASIER
You know you're such a help Niles I don't know what I'd do without you.
NILES
You'd have had to have taken part in that sports day to start with. That wouldn't have done much for your reputation considering how you run. It wasn't as if you weren't made enough fun of with your haircut.
FRASIER
I just don't know how I'm going to be able to lecture him on it when I've done the same thing myself. I'm just going to sound too hypocritical.
NILES
Finally you're admitting it was a lone act of vandalism.
FRASIER
It wasn't a lone act and it positively was not vandalism.
NILES
Yes it was you broke the glass with the corner of my valise.
FRASIER
You have to do that to press the button.
NILES
Does Freddie actually know that you...
FRASIER
We.
NILES
Did this?
FRASIER
Actually no he doesn't. In that case we...
NILES
You.
THE GATE OPENS AND A LONG LINE OF PASSENGERS ENTER FROM IT INCLUDING FREDDIE
FRASIER
Shut up, we're in the clear. Oh look here he comes. Don't ask him if you're loosing your hair you'll only scare him. Hello Freddie.
FREDDIE
Hi Dad. Hello Uncle Niles.
NILES
Hello Freddie.
FRASIER
God it's good to see you. Come here and give your old man a hug.
FRASIER OPENS UP HIS ARMS TO HUG HIM, FREDDIE DOES NOT LOOK IMPRESSED
FREDDIE
Not now there are people around.
FRASIER
They're strangers.
FREDDIE
We'll be the strange one's if we start hugging here.
FRASIER
Fair enough, although I don't know why you deserve such loving treatment considering what you've done. Have you got some sort of explanation for me young man?
FREDDIE
Dad you can't tell me off for this, you did the same thing.
FREDDIE STARTS TO WALK OFF TOWARDS THE EXIT AS FRASIER AND NILES STARE AFTER HIM
FRASIER
(SHOUTS) I'll have you know young man that it was both of us.
NILES
You pushed the button.
FRASIER
Oh shut up Niles.
AS FRASIER AND NILES FOLLOW FREDDIE TO THE EXIT WE:
FADE OUT
(D)
TITLE CARD: "I'M JUST A TEENAGE DIRTBAG BABY"
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — AFTERNOON — DAY/2
(Daphne, Martin, Frasier, Freddie, Niles)
DAPHNE AND MARTIN STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LIVING ROOM IN MID ARGUMENT
DAPHNE
It drives me up the wall!
MARTIN
How is this my problem?
DAPHNE
You're the one that keeps doing it. Is it so hard to just put the seat down? It's not as if I'm asking you to split the atom every time you use it.
MARTIN
I should ask you the same question.
DAPHNE
I always put the seat down.
MARTIN
Then why do I have to do it if you always do it?
DAPHNE
How about a little common courtesy? And why can't you put your beer cans in the bin? There are no garbage monsters waiting to nibble on your fingers if you put your hand in there.
MARTIN
Because I want to recycle them.
DAPHNE
Then can't you collect them together?
MARTIN
I have.
DAPHNE
But I mean into some sort of bag not in a pyramid on the coffee table for Eddie to knock over.
MARTIN
I don't know what you're problem is but you've been a real pill lately.
DAPHNE
I can tell you what my problem is, he's developing a lard arse because he spends all day sitting in his chair drinking.
FRASIER, NILES AND FREDDIE ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR
FRASIER
Do you two mind? Can you finish World War Three another time please Freddie is here.
MARTIN
Hiya Freddie, how was your flight?
FREDDIE
Long.
DAPHNE
So how have you been?
FREDDIE SLUMPS DOWN ON THE COUCH
FREDDIE
I've been sent here as punishment, how do you think I am?
NILES
I told you it was punishment.
FREDDIE TURNS THE TELEVISION ON
FRASIER
Shut up. This is not punishment but I do want to know what is wrong with you lately. Err no television thank you very much.
FRASIER SWITCHES THE TELEVISION OFF
FREDDIE
No way! You said I wasn't sent here as punishment.
FRASIER
And that's correct, that doesn't mean I can't punish you though. And that'll begin with no telephone, no computer games and no television.
FREDDIE
Can I at least have a stick to play with or is that too much of a privilege for a devil child like me to have?
FRASIER
To start with young man you can go straight to your room, unpack and stay there until you learn to change that tone.
FREDDIE PICKS UP HIS BAG AND STOMPS OFF TOWARDS FRASIER'S ROOM
NILES
Hasn't he grown into a lovely young man?
MARTIN
He's grown into a tiny Lilith. All he needs is to loose all skin pigmentation and grow his hair into a bun.
DAPHNE
I thought I was getting a migraine, Freddie's developed her powers of mind control.
MARTIN
It's surprising I don't have one thanks to your nagging.
DAPHNE
Well if you didn't...
FRASIER
Do you two mind? I have enough problems at the moment without you two going after one another. If you want to fight go down to the street where the Police can break it up.
MARTIN
Fine I'll be in my room duct taping my toilet seat up.
MARTIN EXITS TOWARDS HIS ROOM
DAPHNE
While you're at it try sticking your head down it and flush it.
DAPHNE EXITS TOWARDS HER ROOM
FRASIER
I wonder what's wrong.
NILES
I know, I've never heard them speak to one another like this. I have fears about arriving one day to find that one has set the other one on fire.
FRASIER
I was talking about Freddie. I've got to find some way to get him to tell me what's wrong with him.
NILES
Oh Frasier don't worry about it. He's a teenager this is what teenagers do. Surely you remember that age.
FRASIER
Niles we spent our teenage years attending dance class and chess club. Basing what I'm going to say to him on our experiences isn't going to help. It's just going to show him what girls we once were and that cheerleading outfits don't suit us.
NILES
Then just tell him next time he sets off the fire alarm to make sure he starts a fire to go with it.
AS NILES EXITS TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO(E)
TITLE CARD: "SURGEON GENERAL IS MORE BELIEVABLE"
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/3
(Roz, Daphne, Frasier, Martin, Niles, Freddie)
MARTIN AND NILES SIT AT THE TABLE EATING BREAKFAST AS FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS
ROZ
Okay I'm here, now are you going to tell me what it is I have to do? And keep in mind I'm not rubbing any part of you for all the money in the world.
DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AND SLAMS A JUG OF MILK IN FRONT OF MARTIN BEFORE SITTING DOWN AT THE TABLE
DAPHNE
Here's your milk.
ROZ
Is it just me or can you actually see the tension filling the room? There's almost a black haze coming over the horizon.
FRASIER
Dad and Daphne are currently having a standoff.
MARTIN
(TO NILES) Can you ask your fiancée to pass me the butter please?
NILES
Why don't you ask her yourself?
MARTIN
Because I don't want to, Niles just pass me the butter.
DAPHNE
Don't you dare, if that lard arse wants something he can bloody well get it himself.
MARTIN
Are you going to take orders from a woman?
NILES
I always have done in the past.
MARTIN
Whipped.
DAPHNE
Don't you talk to him like that!
NILES
I think I'm going to go and have breakfast down by the docks with fifty-dollar bills sticking out from all my pockets. It might be less dangerous. At the worst they'll take my kidneys.
FRASIER
Can I get you a coffee Roz? Maybe even a bulletproof vest and a stun gun to join in this war?
ROZ SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH
ROZ
Just a coffee thank you. So what did you want me for?
FRASIER
I want you to have a talk with Freddie.
ROZ
What kind of talk? The birds and the bees are really your department although I understand if it's been so long you've forgotten the basics.
NILES
We want you to scare him stupid.
ROZ
And how exactly do I achieve that? Tell him ghost stories? Or just dating stories about you? Your sex life is enough to scare any child, let alone your son.
FRASIER
I want you to talk about yourself.
ROZ
Why?
NILES
We told you we want to scare him stupid.
ROZ
Then why don't you run in front of him?
FRASIER
Just tell him what kind of things you got up to in school.
ROZ
Why would that scare him?
FRASIER
Well he'll hear what you were like then, see what you're like now, put two and two together and be put on the path of the straight and narrow.
ROZ
(OBVIOUSLY OFFENDED) Why don't you just right out and offend me?
NILES
Okay if you insist. Seeing how you've turned out will make him see the error of his ways.
ROZ
Come here and say that.
NILES
I'd rather stay over here thanks where it's safe.
DAPHNE SLAMS HER COFFEE CUP DOWN
NILES (CONT'D)
Well where it's safer.
ROZ
I don't have to sit here and take this.
FRASIER
Roz you misunderstand.
ROZ
I'm a pioneer. I'm the first award winning radio producer in KACL history. There should be statues of me in the lobby.
FRASIER
Roz what I mean is Freddie knows all of our school stories except yours. Make some wild stories up and tell him how they ended your dream of being the first female President.
ROZ
And Freddie is going to believe that I wanted to be President?
FREDDIE ENTERS FROM FRASIER'S BEDROOM
FRASIER
It's worth a try. Shhhh he's coming. Good morning Frederick.
FREDDIE
Hello. Can I have breakfast or am I on a bread and water diet?
FRASIER
Change your tone and maybe.
FREDDIE
(SARCASTIC) I'm sorry daddy can I have some breakfast please?
FRASIER
Bread and water it is. Niles, Dad, Daphne come and help me while Roz has a chat with Freddie.
FRASIER, MARTIN, NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN AS FREDDIE SITS NEXT TO ROZ ON THE COUCH
FREDDIE
You want to talk to me? Aren't I a little young for you?
ROZ
Hey I'm not your mother so drop the attitude. Your Dad is really worried about you. He wants me to have a little chat with you. Now when I was your age I did some pretty wild things at school...
FREDDIE
Roz I don't want to be rude but don't bother. I overheard Dad on the phone to Mom last night telling her what he wanted you to do.
ROZ
Is there any chance you'll pretend I helped?
FREDDIE
Sure.
ROZ
So why did you do it? Over a girl?
FREDDIE
No.
ROZ
But I bet it attracted the girls didn't it?
FREDDIE
I'm the new school bad boy.
ROZ
Well then congratulations. Don't tell your father I said that.
FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN
FRASIER
Is everything all right in here?
FREDDIE
Sure, can I have my breakfast now?
FRASIER
It's on the counter.
FREDDIE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN AS FRASIER WATCHES HIM GO BEFORE APPROACHING ROZ
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Well what happened?
ROZ
I think Freddie has seen the light. You know I've really missed my calling. I should have been a psychiatrist.
NILES ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN
ROZ (CONT'D)
Then you could bring me coffee and rub me.
NILES
I don't want that explained.
FRASIER
It really worked?
ROZ
(OBVIOUSLY LYING) Yeah sure, I'm a miracle worker.
NILES
He overheard Frasier talking to Lilith last night didn't he?
ROZ
Yes.
FREDDIE
(OFF STAGE) Dad!
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE STANDS BY THE SINK HOLDING A WHISK IN A THREATENING MANNER TOWARDS MARTIN WHILE HE GRASPS HIS CANE BY THE DOOR WITH FREDDIE TAKING COVER AROUND THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ISLAND
DAPHNE
I'm warning you old man.
FRASIER, ROZ AND NILES ENTER WITH NILES IMMEDIATELY GOING TO DAPHNE, FRASIER STANDING BETWEEN THEM AND ROZ STANDING BY THE DOOR
FRASIER
Will you two both stop it! Two dogs sharing a lamb chop would not fight as much as you two!
MARTIN
I'm not doing anything, she's the one with the weapon.
DAPHNE
Me? You've got a bloody great big club in your hand.
MARTIN
I need it to walk.
NILES
Both of you put your weapons down.
DAPHNE
It's a whisk I'm cooking.
MARTIN
And that makes what difference? Your cooking is more dangerous then anything else in this kitchen.
DAPHNE LUNGES TOWARDS MARTIN BUT NILES MANAGES TO GRAB HER FIRST
FRASIER
All right that's enough. Daphne put your whisk down.
DAPHNE
Then move his cane.
FRASIER MOVES MARTIN'S CANE AWAY FROM HIM
MARTIN
How am I supposed to get back in the living room?
DAPHNE
I'll kick you back in there.
NILES
Daphne put your whisk down.
DAPHNE PUTS THE WHISK ON THE FLOOR
MARTIN
Get her to kick it over here.
FRASIER
No one is kicking any of my kitchen utensils.
NILES
How about I just pick it up?
NILES PICKS UP THE WHISK AND PUTS IT ON THE ISLAND
FRASIER
Now what is the matter with the lot of you? And I include you Freddie in that.
MARTIN
Nothing. I can't do anything without being screamed at.
FRASIER
And how about you two?
DAPHNE
Nothing.
FREDDIE
Nothing.
ROZ
I love playing happy families at your place Frasier.
AS THEY ALL START TO EXIT BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM WE:
FADE OUT
(F)
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/3
(Frasier, Niles, Roz)
FRASIER AND NILES SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF NERVOSA WITH FRASIER BURYING HIS HEAD IN A PILE OF BOOKS AND JOURNALS AS NILES HANGS A SPOON OVER HIS HEAD
FRASIER
There has got to be something I'm missing. Maybe getting him an appointment with a child psychologist might be beneficial. What do you think Niles? Niles? Niles!
NILES
What?
FRASIER
Will you put the spoon down? What are you doing?
NILES
It's comforting. I like the way it feels in my hand. Oooh steel.
FRASIER
You like the feel of a spoon in your hand?
NILES
It's my fetish let me enjoy it.
FRASIER
Then why are you lifting it above your head?
NILES
It's a light form of weight training. I'm trying to buff up.
FRASIER
You're exercising with a spoon?
NILES
It's not as crazy as it sounds. Body builders do it all the time. Granted they might be arthritic pigmy size body builders but that's not what is important.
FRASIER
You're trying to see that bald spot on your head aren't you?
NILES
(FRANTIC) Bald spot? Where? I can't see it.
FRASIER
I knew it. Stop trying to look at your hair.
NILES
Where is it? How big is it? Solar panel big?
FRASIER
Niles I'm joking. Now put the spoon down and help me.
NILES
What makes you think the answers to Freddie's problems are going to be found in there?
FRASIER
Because I've exhausted every other avenue.
NILES
Have you ever thought it could do with something in his early childhood?
FRASIER
What like?
NILES
Making him crawl through a maze as a baby to get to his bottle?
FRASIER
Lilith did that, I had nothing to do with it.
NILES
Nothing?
FRASIER
All right I was standing guard at the door in case one of the lab assistance came back.
NILES
It seems to me you don't know the difference between standing guard at the door and having the idea and putting him in the maze.
FRASIER
Oh shut up and help me.
NILES PICKS UP THE COFFEE LIST
NILES
I am helping.
FRASIER
Help by reading.
NILES
They have a strawberry flavoured coffee?
FRASIER
The psychiatric journals not the menu.
NILES
Technically it's not a menu.
FRASIER
Shut up.
NILES
This may sound slightly stupid but have you actually sat down and talked to him about it?
FRASIER
You're right it does sound stupid. Of course I've spoken to him about it. All I get from him is attitude before he goes and sulks in my room. Not that I can blame him with Dad and Daphne going at it all the time.
NILES
Daphne keeps blaming Dad and Dad keeps blaming Daphne. I don't know who to believe.
ROZ ENTERS AND STANDS BEHIND NILES
ROZ
Niles what's wrong with your hair?
NILES
What? Oh my God! Get out of my way.
NILES JUMPS OUT OF HIS SEAT AND SPRINTS TO THE BATHROOM
ROZ
What's his problem? He'd got a feather on top of it from somewhere.
AS ROZ SITS DOWN IN NILES' NOW VACATED CHAIR WE:
FADE OUT
(G)
TITLE CARD: "KEEPING A LID ON THINGS"
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/3
(Daphne, Freddie, Frasier, Niles, Martin)
FREDDIE SITS ON THE COUCH WATCHING THE TELEVISION WITH HIS FEET ON THE COFFEE TABLE AS DAPHNE POTTERS ABOUT BEHIND HIM
DAPHNE
You better not let your father catch you doing that. I'm not taking the blame for you the way you've been speaking to everyone. Where that nice little boy I was going to marry went to I don't know.
FREDDIE
He went away.
DAPHNE
Well I wish he'd come back.
DAPHNE OPENS THE BATHROOM DOOR
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
I don't believe it! Every single time! What is wrong with that man?
FREDDIE
What's the matter?
DAPHNE
Nothing. That's it I've had enough.
DAPHNE GOES TO THE DESK BY THE KITCHEN AND GETS A TUBE OF GLUE FROM THE DRAWER BEFORE GOING BACK TO THE BATHROOM AND STARTS TO PUT IT ON THE UNDERSIDE OF THE TOILET SEAT
FREDDIE
What are you doing? You're glueing the toilet seat down? Don't you think that's a little...
DAPHNE
Over the top?
FREDDIE
I was going to say completely and utterly insane.
DAPHNE
Never you mind what I'm doing.
FREDDIE
Okay but you'd better not let my father catch you doing that. I'm not going to take the blame for you the way you've been speaking to Grandpa.
DAPHNE PUTS THE SEAT DOWN BEFORE PUTTING THE GLUE BACK IN THE DRAWER
DAPHNE
You get more like your father everyday, something that I'm sure Lilith will be thrilled to bits about.
FREDDIE
What have you done it for?
DAPHNE
I haven't done anything, now hop it and watch the television.
FRASIER AND NILES ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR CAUSING DAPHNE TO JUMP
FRASIER
Hello Freddie.
FREDDIE
Oh Dad Daphne had...
DAPHNE
The television on, I forgot he wasn't allowed to watch it.
FRASIER
That doesn't matter.
DAPHNE
You can finish off the ice cream after dinner.
DAPHNE GLARES AT FREDDIE AS HE CHEEKILY SMILES BACK
FRASIER
Freddie I'd like to have a talk with you please.
FREDDIE
Another one? Haven't you talked enough?
FRASIER
No I haven't and just for that I'm going to make it even longer.
NILES
Oh Daphne how about you show me that thing in the kitchen.
DAPHNE
What a good idea.
NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN
FREDDIE
That was subtle.
FRASIER
Freddie what is going on?
MARTIN ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND SEEING THE CONVERSATION TAKING PLACE QUIETLY HANGS HIS COAT UP
FREDDIE
I told you nothing.
FRASIER
And you expect me to believe that? Something is obvious bothering you and causing you to act up like this.
MARTIN QUIETLY EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM SHUTTING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM
FREDDIE
Dad you can't try to play the overprotective, concerned parent when I haven't seen you for over three months. It just doesn't work.
FRASIER
Freddie, I...
MARTIN
(OFF STAGE) Frasier! Frasier! Get in here!
FRASIER
Where are you?
MARTIN
(OFF STAGE) I'm in the bathroom.
FRASIER
I'm not sure I really want to.
MARTIN
Just get in here.
FRASIER
Are you wearing pants?
MARTIN
Of course I'm wearing pants.
FRASIER AND FREDDIE GET UP AND EXIT INTO THE BATHROOM
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S BATHROOM — CONTINUOUS
MARTIN IS STANDING IN FRONT OF THE TOILET WITH HIS HAND TOUCHING THE UNDER SIDE OF THE SEAT AS FRASIER AND FREDDIE ENTER
FRASIER
What's the matter?
MARTIN
It's stuck.
FRASIER
Oh dear God Dad! As much as I want to help you I also want to be able to look you in the face again.
MARTIN
Get your mind out of the gutter; I'm talking about my hand. It's stuck to the toilet seat.
FRASIER BENDS DOWN AND EXAMINES THE SEAT
FRASIER
It's covered in glue. Freddie what have you done?
FREDDIE
I haven't done anything.
NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER
NILES
What's going on?
FRASIER
Dad's glued to the toilet seat.
DAPHNE
Uh-oh.
MARTIN
Wait a second you did this?
DAPHNE
I didn't mean to.
MARTIN
What the glue just happened to leap out of the tube and land on the toilet seat?
DAPHNE
No I didn't mean for you to stick to it. I just meant to stick it down so you couldn't leave it up any more. Use some nail polish remover that usually works. I'll go and heat up some water.
DAPHNE QUICKLY EXITS BEFORE FREDDIE FOLLOWS HER
FRASIER
Hold on Dad I'll get you off there.
MARTIN
I'm just thankful I never sat down.
FRASIER
I think we're all thankful for that.
NILES TURNS HIS ATTENTION AWAY FROM MARTIN AND STARTS TO LOOK AT HIS HAIR IN THE MIRROR
NILES
Maybe if I comb it differently it will look thicker.
FRASIER
What are you talking about?
NILES
I should start to grow it longer again.
FRASIER
Niles, our father is glued to a toilet seat by your fiancée and all you're concerned about is your hair?
NILES
No I'm concerned about where she'll put the glue if I upset her. I do have that civil war ramrod lying around my apartment you know.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS
FREDDIE ENTERS AS DAPHNE WAITS FOR THE TAP WATER TO HEAT UP
FREDDIE
Daphne what's the matter?
DAPHNE
Nothing.
FREDDIE
Daphne you don't glue old men to toilet seats over nothing.
DAPHNE
Why should I tell you when you won't tell me?
FREDDIE
You tell me then I'll tell you.
DAPHNE
Honest?
FREDDIE
Yes.
DAPHNE
Oh all right, what harm can it do? Your uncle asked me to move in with him.
FREDDIE
And?
DAPHNE
It just took me by surprise. I thought we were going to wait until after the wedding. I'd set a date for when I was leaving and I've been working towards it. I'm going to miss you father and your Grandfather so much I guess I was just trying to create as much distance between us as possible so that I wouldn't miss them as much. And yelling at him every five minutes has been helping so far.
FREDDIE
It sounds to me like separation anxiety.
DAPHNE
Excuse me?
FREDDIE
Oh come on, you do know who my parents are don't you? In preschool I was the only kid there who when we played doctors and nurses with our teddy bears used to diagnose them with advanced schizophrenia with paranoid tendencies.
DAPHNE
Fair enough.
FREDDIE
But won't that bring you closer to Grandpa? You're going to be his daughter-in-law. That doesn't mean you're never going to see him again.
DAPHNE
Knowing that and registering that fact are two different things. All right Mr. Smarty pants what's been going on with you?
FREDDIE
It's embarrassing.
DAPHNE
So was mine.
FREDDIE
You're getting married.
DAPHNE
What?
FREDDIE
You're getting married and your going to leave, just like everyone else.
DAPHNE
Like who?
FREDDIE
Dad left me. I hardly see him at all. Then Brian left after he promised he wouldn't. He now lives with mom's contractor and buys unusual shaped teapots. And now you're leaving. What is it about me that people don't want to be around? No one wanted to be around the old me so I don't see the problem with no one wanting to be around the new me.
DAPHNE
Freddie none of that has anything to do with you. Your Mom and Dad didn't love each other any more that had nothing to do with you. They both love you more then anything. And I'm sure Brian feels the same way. I'm not leaving you. I'm marrying your uncle. I'm going to be your auntie, although if you ever call me that I'll kill you. Isn't that going to bring us closer? We're going to be family. (THEN) You know what I think we've both had the same problem.
FREDDIE
Are we still going to see each other as much?
DAPHNE
Of course you will, I'll be with Niles and you see a lot of him now don't you? It'll even mean that you can come and stop with us every now and then when you come and visit.
FREDDIE
Thank you Daphne.
THEY HUG BEFORE DAPHNE FILLS A BOWL UP WITH WARM WATER
DAPHNE
Nope, thank you Freddie. We'd best help get your Grandfather off the toilet seat. Oh wait. Will you do me a favour and help let your father work all this out. I can't cope with his pouting that he's been out psycho babbled by me.
FREDDIE
Yeah but what's worse, him pouting or thinking he's God's gift to psychiatry?
DAPHNE
Good point. Just behave yourself and let your mother work it out.
AS DAPHNE AND FREDDIE EXIT INTO THE LIVING ROOM WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWOCLOSING CREDITS: MARTIN IS STILL STUCK TO THE TOILET SEAT AS FRASIER TRIES TO GET HIM OFF BY APPLYING NAIL VARNISH REMOVER. EVENTUALLY MARTIN MANAGES TO PULL HIS HAND FREE. DAPHNE ONCE AGAIN APOLOGISES TO HIM AS HE LEAVES THE BATHROOM. FRASIER STANDS UP AND GOES TO LEAVE EXCEPT IN THE PROCESS OF REMOVING MARTIN HE HIMSELF SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN GLUED TO THE SEAT. HE LOOKS TO DAPHNE FOR HELP WHO STARTS TO TRY TO PRY HIM OFF.
