I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
Here's my latest effort. I'd love to know what you think, especially if you know the meaning of life or why we never seem to see baby pigeons. If you know the answers please send them to kelly_simba@hotmail.com. Oh feedback would be nice as well.
Enjoy...
Alternative Season Nine Episode Fifteen
Dr. Crane Destroys His Dream House
By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)
ACT ONE(A)
TITLE CARD: "RAIN DROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD..."
FADE IN:
INT. NILES' OFFICE — AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Niles, Patient, Mrs. Woodson)
NILES SITS ON THE EDGE OF HIS DESK LEANING TOWARDS A FEMALE PATIENT THAT IS SITTING ON HIS COUCH LOOKING RATHER NERVOUS
NILES
Okay now the important thing is that you trust me.
PATIENT
I want to but after my surgery and resulting hair implants from my last therapist I'm a little concerned about trusting anyone. But don't take it personally I'm like it with everyone. I'm even wary of my budgie these days. I feel as if I'll wake up one morning impaled by his beak. He has that real shifty look about him you know. And I don't mean to be rude or offend you Dr. Crane but when you sit on your desk like that you leer a little. And I don't mean that in a good way. It's very back alley kind of seedy.
NILES SITS BACK A LITTLE FURTHER WITH ONE HAND ON HIS HIP
NILES
I'm sorry. Is this better?
PATIENT
A little effeminate but better.
A LITTLE FLUSTERED AND ALARMED NILES STANDS AND STARTS TO PACE THE ROOM WHILE TALKING AND PUFFING HIS CHEST OUT TRYING TO LOOK MORE MANLY
NILES
I know what you've been through and I understand that some therapist's philosophies about psychiatry is basically trying to sleep with young woman while they are vulnerable and high on medication but that doesn't apply to me. Now anything you say here will never leave this room. I'm the only one here.
MRS. WOODSON ENTERS INTO THE ROOM SUDDENLY
MRS. WOODSON
Ooh Dr. Crane before you start can I ask you a question?
NILES
Sure Mrs. Woodson drink the drain cleaner.
MRS. WOODSON
No Dr. Crane that's not it.
NILES
Mrs. Woodson I'm in a session. Have you not noticed the person sitting on the couch frowning at you and twitching violently?
MRS. WOODSON
I won't be a minute. Can you get your brother to sign this photo for my sister? She's just had liposuction surgery and I think it will help her recover more then buying her a tub of ice cream and a pair of sweat pants.
NILES
Mrs. Woodson I'm in a session!
MRS. WOODSON
Maybe later then.
MRS. WOODSON EXITS APOLOGISING AS SHE GOES
NILES
I'm sorry about that. I want you to be perfectly comfortable with me. I also feel the need to reassure you that the doctor that you've no doubt seen on the front of the newspapers is an extremely rare case. To begin with he wasn't even a real doctor. The fact that he insisted on taking everyone's temperature with his finger at the beginning of every session should have tipped his patients off. And none of my exercises involve squirrels or in fact any tiny animals covered in lubricant at all. Now I can't promise you that I can make the pain disappear instantly at least not without strong drugs and an electric current but that's only a last resort. What I can tell you is that these feelings can and will disappear over time even though the memory of being the sole survivor of a ship wreak may be with you forever. But I can get you to the stage where the memories no longer plague you. Now your fear of water, is it restricted to large masses of water or just the sight of water in general?
PATIENT
Just the sight of water. It's got so bad that I've even started fainting when I try to brush my teeth in the morning. Yesterday I cried and that made me hyperventilate.
NILES
I can promise you that until you're ready there won't be a drop of water in this office.
SUDDENLY A GREAT DOWNPOUR OF WATER COMES THROUGH THE CEILING, FLOODING ALL THE ROOM NOT TO MENTION COMPLETELY SOAKING NILES AND HIS PATIENT WHO STARTS TO SCREAM UNCONTROLLABLY AS NILES RUNS TO HER AND TRIES TO COMFORT HER. AS MRS. WOODSON ENTERS INTO THE ROOM TO SEE WHAT THE PROBLEM IS WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
TITLE CARD: "WELL HE IS A QUACK"
FADE IN:
INT. NILES' OFFICE — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Mrs. Woodson, Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Roz, Martin)
NILES STANDS IN THE DOORWAY TO HIS OFFICE STILL COMPLETELY SOAKED TO THE SKIN LOOKING AT THE MESS. HIS OFFICE HAS A LAYER OF WATER COVERING THE FLOOR WHILE EVERYTHING ELSE IS COVERED IN WATER. MRS. WOODSON ENTERS BEHIND HIM CARRYING A PAIR OF RUBBER RAIN BOOTS THAT HAVE DUCK FACES ON THEM
MRS. WOODSON
Dr. Crane I managed to find you these.
NILES STARES AT THE BOOTS FOR A MOMENT
NILES
They're cross-eyed psychedelic ducks Mrs. Woodson.
MRS. WOODSON
But aren't they pretty.
NILES
But I'm a psychiatrist and you want me to wear children's boots.
MRS. WOODSON
It's either the ducks or these.
MRS. WOODSON PRODUCES A PAIR OF SCUBA DIVING FLIPPERS FROM BEHIND HER BACK
NILES
Fine ducks it is.
NILES LEANS UP HIS DOOR FRAME AND TAKES HIS SHOES OFF. HE TURNS THEM UPSIDE DOWN ONE AT A TIME AND A STREAM OF WATER COMES OUT OF THEM. HE THEN TAKES OFF HIS SOCKS AND RINGS THE WATER OUT OF THEM. HE THEN PUTS THE BOOTS ON AND WALKS INTO HIS OFFICE. EACH STEP THAT HE TAKES MAKES THE DUCKS MAKE A QUACKING NOISE WHEN HE PUTS HIS FOOT DOWN. WHEN NILES REALISES THAT THE NOISE IS COMING FROM THEM HE COMES TO A STAND STILL
NILES (CONT'D)
Perfect.
NILES CONTINUES TO WALK AND THE DUCKS CONTINUE TO QUACK
NILES (CONT'D)
Oh shut up! I don't believe this. This water is disgusting. I can practically feel the bacteria breeding around my ankles. It's like a gnawing sensation.
SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING
MRS. WOODSON
I'll get it.
NILES
No it's all right I've nearly swam over there already.
NILES PICKS UP THE PHONE
NILES (CONT'D)
(ON THE PHONE) Hello? Dr. Adams hello. Your ceiling is leaking? What a coincidence, so is mine. Mrs. Woodson can you talk to Dr. Adams for me please?
MRS. WOODSON EXITS TO HER OFFICE AS DAPHNE ENTERS. SHE IS FIRSTLY A LITTLE SHOCKED BY THE DAMAGE AND THEN CAN'T HELP BUT LAUGH AT NILES' CONDITION
DAPHNE
Wow! I love your wellies! Aren't they just the sexist things! Can you bring those home with you to wear tonight?
SHE CAREFULLY WALKS OVER TO HIM AND KISSES HIM
NILES
I was thinking of wearing them at the wedding. Do you think they'll go with my tux?
DAPHNE
Well they look good on that man who wonders through the park in a tux trying to milk everyone like a cow as you walk past.
FRASIER, ROZ AND MARTIN ENTER. FRASIER IS STUNNED BY THE MESS
FRASIER
Oh my God! You weren't kidding. I should have invested in a pair of big rubber pants like Dad's.
ROZ
Add some fish, some drunken frat boys and a couple of used condoms and this could almost pass as Puget Sound.
NILES
Or your average night out.
ROZ
Bite me. (RE: HIS BOOTS) Starting a new fashion trend? Have you considered getting one of those green raincoats with the frog hood?
NILES PICKS UP A CLOSED UMBRELLA FROM THE SIDE OF HIS DESK. HE OPENS IT UP TO REVEAL THAT IT'S BRIGHT GREEN WITH FROG EYES ON THE TOP OF IT
MARTIN
Isn't it unlucky to open an umbrella indoors?
A SMALL TRICKLE OF WATER FALLS FROM THE CEILING AND HITS THE TOP OF THE UMBRELLA. DAPHNE DIVES UNDER IT TO GET OUT OF THE WAY OF THE WATER
NILES
You know I'm past the point of caring.
FRASIER
At least we now know Armani isn't waterproof.
DAPHNE
How did this happen? A burst pipe?
NILES
Dr. Umit upstairs is very much into the notion of healing with humour. For a while I managed to ignore the fact that he'd bought an inflatable bouncing castle for his patients to jump on right above my head until he decided to fill it with water to give it that water bed quality and then let his extremely obsessive over eaters jump up and down on it.
MARTIN
I take it it burst.
NILES
Not to begin with no. From what I can make out from the various hysterical stories I've been told, one of his patients slipped while jumping up and down trying to reach imaginary pieces of chocolate cake in a resisting temptation exercise on the ceiling and crashed into Dr. Umit's aquarium.
FRASIER
And that's where the water came from?
NILES
Not right away. As the aquarium fell over the lighting system came crashing to the ground making a spark and setting a pile of paper work on fire. Ironically it was the file on an arsonist he's been treating in prison. Inevitably Dr. Umit and one of his slimmer patients that could fit through the door frame on the first attempt ran to get some water, filling several plant pots up and throwing it on the flames.
DAPHNE
And that's when the water came through the ceiling?
NILES
Not quite. All seemed to be coming under control until one of the now homeless fish taking one of it's last breathes touched the foot of one of Dr. Umit's patients who as it turns out not only has an over eating problem but also a major fear of fish. This caused her to shriek uncontrollably, fall backwards on to the bouncing castle and bursting it on an unfortunately placed piece of spiky coral causing all of the water to come crashing through the ceiling.
ROZ
How are you still alive?
FRASIER
So what do you want us to do?
DAPHNE
I've brought something to help clean up the water.
DAPHNE PRODUCES A SMALL WASH CLOTH FROM HER POCKET
MARTIN
Daphne that's a handkerchief.
ROZ
That's not even a handkerchief. That's some sort of cloth eye patch.
FRASIER
Couldn't you have brought some spoons we could have bailed the water out the window with?
DAPHNE
Well Niles said he had a leak in his office not a monsoon.
NILES
I think the most important thing is just box up all my paper work so I can take it home and attempt to dry it. Maintenance will clear up the rest of the mess.
MARTIN
How do you dry all this paper?
NILES
One thing for certain you don't try to do it with a hairdryer.
NILES HOLDS UP A FILE OF PAPER THAT IS BURNT AROUND THE EDGES
MRS. WOODSON
(OFF STAGE) I said I was sorry.
THEY ALL SET ABOUT COLLECTING TOGETHER HIS PAPER WORK AND BOOKS AND PUT IT IN SOME BOXES THAT ARE PILED BY NILES' DESK
ROZ
(RE: STATUE ON BOOKCASE) Who is this and how has something so ugly survived this disaster? Don't you understand that disasters like these are a good way to break all your crap that you've been given and don't like?
FRASIER
You told me you'd stopped doing that!
ROZ
And I have.
FRASIER
That Roz would be Carl Jung.
MARTIN
Wait a second you have a photo of Daphne, a photo of Frasier and a statue of some dead guy in your office but not one of me and Eddie?
FRASIER
To be fair Eddie has never been exactly photogenic. There's always a glare on the photo from where the flash hits that green gunk in the corner of his eyes.
NILES
A photo of my fiancée and a photo of a tiny dog in an unusual hat can hardly be compared.
MARTIN
You've got one of Frasier in here.
NILES
That's a group photo at a psychiatric convention. I'm not the only one Frasier doesn't have a photo of you at work either.
FRASIER
That's because I share a booth. We tried it once but a photo of Gill's wife in a tight fitting leotard lying rather suggestively on the hood on his Mercedes was putting everyone off their callers and not to mention eating ever again.
DAPHNE
You have a photo of me in your office? That's so sweet.
NILES
Of course I do.
DAPHNE PICKS UP THE PHOTO TO LOOK AT IT
DAPHNE
Although could you have found a freakier photo of me? When was this taken? I look like a hamster in a wig. I don't remember this I must have been as drunk as a skunk. That's enough to scare your patients then anything that could possibly be wrong with them.
NILES
I always thought it has a certain quality about it.
DAPHNE
A certain possessed quality. Why does it look as if I have a lazy eye?
ROZ
The rest of this ceiling isn't going to fall through is it? I don't like the way it's sagging. It looks like the old ladies at the gym.
FRASIER
The quicker we box up the quicker we'll be gone. Where are you holding your sessions now Niles?
NILES
I've found a motel room around the block.
MARTIN
Can't you do it at home?
NILES
Yes Dad because I want my patients with their nervous twitches and loose bowel tendencies in my apartment, on my antique furniture, knowing where I live.
DAPHNE
So you're going to be spending a lot of time alone in a sleazy motel room with a lot of strange women?
NILES
It's not sleazy.
ROZ
Do the beds vibrate if you put a quarter in the meter?
NILES
So I'm told. (THEN) How do you know about this kind of thing anyway?
ROZ
(OBVIOUSLY LYING) Just a guess.
NILES
Oh I'm sure. Anyway they're not strange women.
DAPHNE
Are they in therapy?
NILES
Yes.
DAPHNE
Then they're strange.
NILES
Roz is strange and she's not in therapy.
FRASIER
Yet.
ROZ
Hey! I'm not the one with my feet wedged in a couple of ducks.
MARTIN
I arrested a guy for that once.
AS THEY CONTINUE TO BOX UP WE:
FADE OUT
(C)
FADE IN:
INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/1
(Roz, Frasier, Martin, Daphne, Niles)
ROZ AND FRASIER ENTER NILES' LIVING ROOM THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND PLACE TWO VERY WET LOOKING BOXES ON THE COFFEE TABLE BEFORE SITTING DOWN. THE ONLY CHANGE TO THE ROOM IS THE APPEARANCE OF A PIANO IN THE DOWNSTAGE RIGHT CORNER BY THE KITCHEN DOOR
ROZ
So how did your date go with Jade?
FRASIER SMILES AT HER
ROZ (CONT'D)
Oh my God don't tell me that stupid grin tells me everything. And that one tells me much more then I need to know. Stop pulling that face you look like the park flasher. Hummm. Actually you know he hasn't flashed me for a while. That's a little worrying. Do you think I've lost the quality that made men want to flash me in a public place?
FRASIER
Dear God I hope so. I never know where to look when you drag me to the mall with you at Christmas time without fear of becoming blind. It went very well thank you very much.
ROZ
As I said it would.
FRASIER
Yes as you said it would. But you must forgive me Roz for being a little wary. Your set ups have never exactly been even remotely successful before. In fact I still wake up screaming about Julia and her inability to hold a knife without lashing out with it. She nearly removed my appendix in a five star restaurant.
ROZ
Some people would pay good money for that. You got on well with Paula.
FRASIER
Yes I did until she stole from me while I was in the bathroom.
ROZ
She didn't steal from you.
FRASIER
Then it's amazing how my fertility God suddenly disappeared into thin air.
ROZ
Well it probably knew it was wasting its time with you and your pitiful sex life and wanted to go somewhere it would be used.
FRASIER
Where as it would be physically drained if it went anywhere near your bedroom.
ROZ
Maybe it just accidentally fell into her purse.
FRASIER
A two-foot statue happened to leap into a tiny purse she struggled to get her hand into to fetch her lip-gloss out of?
ROZ
Yes, why do you find that so hard to believe?
FRASIER
If only there was some clue. Anyway thank you Roz for setting me up with Jade. I'm planning to see her again next Saturday.
ROZ
Oh you can't see her again.
FRASIER
Why?
ROZ
Because.
FRASIER
Because what?
ROZ
Because I don't think you should.
FRASIER
Why?
ROZ
I have my reasons.
FRASIER
Then can you please share them with me?
ROZ
I'd like to, but no.
FRASIER
Has she said anything to you about me?
ROZ
Oh yeah she thinks you're great. But then she always has been a little nutty. Any woman her age who still has the habit of getting marbles stuck up her nose isn't entirely stable.
FRASIER
That's a little alarming but if she thinks I'm great then why can't I see her again?
MARTIN ENTERS CARRYING A BOX
MARTIN
See who again?
FRASIER
Jade my date last night. Roz doesn't want me to see her again.
ROZ
Trust me Frasier, you don't want to know.
MARTIN
Well I do.
ROZ LEAPS OFF THE COUCH AND WHISPERS INTO MARTIN'S EAR
FRASIER
Don't tell him.
DAPHNE ENTERS ALSO CARRYING A BOX
DAPHNE
Don't tell him what?
ROZ WHISPERS INTO DAPHNE'S EAR
FRASIER
Don't tell her.
DAPHNE
You're not missing much Dr. Crane. Have you ever heard the expression no news is good news?
FRASIER
No I don't believe I have, how does it go? And that's not the point. I'm the only one here that it concerns and the only one that doesn't know. I feel like I'm back in school with a 'kick me' sign attached to my back.
MARTIN
Niles doesn't know.
NILES ENTERS CARRYING ANOTHER BOX STILL LOOKING SLIGHTLY WET
NILES
(ALARMED) Niles doesn't know what? What's been scratched?
DAPHNE WHISPERS IN HIS EAR
NILES (CONT'D)
Ha! Never mind.
FRASIER
Someone tell me.
ROZ
You'll sleep better if you don't know.
FRASIER
I'm not going to sleep at all now.
ROZ
Where do we put these boxes?
FRASIER
Don't change the subject.
NILES
I want to keep them out of my study until I've had a chance to dry them off a bit so for now stack them behind the piano.
FRASIER
What about me?
MARTIN
You've bought a piano?
FRASIER
Have I suddenly gone invisible? Hello? Hello? Obviously so. In that case then I'm going home to kick Eddie and squeeze Dad's chair into the garbage disposal.
THEY ALL WALK OVER TO THE PIANO
NILES
I finally took the plunge last week. Isn't it fantastic? It is by far and away the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. (THINKING, THEN TO DAPHNE) Oh well...of course...that is to say with one exception.
ROZ
Smooth recovery.
DAPHNE
It's his new pride and joy. Most men like to stay in bed on a Sunday morning until after midday when the bedroom begins to smell and they begin to stick to the sheets. Not this one. He's been up at the crack of dawn down here tickling the ivories. It's like he's having an affair with a big box of wood.
FRASIER
Is she seeing someone else?
ROZ
No it's Niles that's having an affair with a piano not Daphne. For a smart man you have trouble keeping up with a story.
FRASIER
I was talking about Jade.
ROZ
I don't think she owns a piano.
FRASIER
I'm talking about having an affair in general. This has nothing to do with a piano.
ROZ
I told you, you don't want to know.
FRASIER
No I do want to know that's why I asked.
DAPHNE
You can do without the trauma.
FRASIER
Don't you think I should be the judge of that?
NILES
Okay stack and then down to get another load.
FRASIER
Is anyone listening to me?
ROZ
Leave them here. We'll stack them and you can bring them up.
NILES
In other words you stay here relax and have a drink while we go up and down the elevator carrying boxes? That doesn't seem exactly fair.
DAPHNE
Oh but you're so much stronger then us.
ROZ
Have you been drinking this morning?
DAPHNE
And we can start to dry them while you're fetching them up here.
NILES
Okay. Come on Frasier.
DAPHNE SQUEEZES PAST THE PIANO AND STACKS THE BOXES IN THE CORNER THAT ROZ PASSES ACROSS TO HER
FRASIER
I'm only helping if you tell me why I can't see Jade.
NILES
Okay, fine.
FRASIER
Are you lying?
NILES
Yes.
NILES AND FRASIER EXIT AS DAPHNE SQUEEZES BACK FROM BEHIND THE PIANO
MARTIN
How exactly do we dry boxes of paper?
ROZ
We could attach a few sheets to a ceiling fan.
DAPHNE
He doesn't have one.
MARTIN
How about starting a fire and toasting them like marshmallows.
ROZ
Do you have any idea how much he'd freak if he saw us holding his files over a burning flame?
DAPHNE
The hairdryer idea obviously doesn't work.
ROZ
Put it in the toaster.
MARTIN
Do you think it will catch fire if we microwave it?
DAPHNE
There's only one way to find out. Give me a file.
ROZ LEANS OVER THE PIANO TO REACH THE BOX CLOSEST
ROZ
Which one? What if it doesn't work and we ruin something he needs?
DAPHNE
We can't look inside so just look for an old date on the cover.
ROZ GIVES MARTIN A FILE
MARTIN
Here you go ninety-eight.
DAPHNE, ROZ AND MARTIN EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE, ROZ AND MARTIN ENTER AND GATHER AROUND THE MICROWAVE. MARTIN HANDS DAPHNE THE FILE
ROZ
Whose going to take responsibility if this doesn't work?
MARTIN
Who's ever idea it was.
DAPHNE
Who's idea was it? It wasn't mine.
ROZ
It wasn't mine.
MARTIN
It wasn't mine.
DAPHNE
Well it was someone's.
ROZ
Just put it in, it'll work.
DAPHNE PUTS THE FILE IN THE MICROWAVE AND TURNS IT ON. AFTER A MOMENT SMOKE STARTS TO COME FROM INSIDE
ROZ (CONT'D)
Then again maybe not.
DAPHNE OPENS THE DOOR, GRABS THE SMOKING FILE AND PUTS IT UNDER THE TAP AS NILES AND FRASIER ENTER
NILES
You're supposed to be drying it out not making it wetter.
MARTIN
Just keep bringing the boxes, we'll sort this out.
THEY ALL EXIT BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
THEY ALL ENTER AND NILES AND FRASIER WALK BACK TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR
FRASIER
Is it because she didn't like me?
NILES
How should I know?
FRASIER
Because Roz told you.
NILES
Oh yeah now I remember.
NILES AND FRASIER EXIT
MARTIN
We'll just have to spread it out on the floor.
DAPHNE
I don't think I could cope with the hysterics about having water on the floor.
ROZ
Is there any other way?
DAPHNE
Not really.
MARTIN
Move the piano over so we can get at the boxes and start spreading them out in the corner.
DAPHNE AND ROZ BOTH SQUEEZE PAST THE PIANO AND START TO PUSH IT OUT TOWARDS THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM. MARTIN MOVES OUT OF THE WAY TOWARDS THE FAINTING COUCH
ROZ
A little further.
THEY MOVE THE PIANO A LITTLE FURTHER GIVING THEM ENOUGH ROOM TO GET AT THE BOXES AND SPREAD OUT THE PAPERS IN THE CORNER WHERE ANY WATER DAMAGE WOULD BE HARD TO SEE. THEY THEN MOVE THE BOXES ONTO THE TOP OF IT SO THEY HAVE MORE ROOM TO SPREAD THE PAPER OUT
DAPHNE
Someone keep your foot here whenever he's in the room.
MARTIN
Why?
DAPHNE
Because we've just scratched the floor.
ROZ
If that's the worse thing that happens today then he can't really complain.
THE FLOORBOARDS UNDER THE PIANO THEN SUDDENLY START TO CREEK VERY LOUDLY WHICH MAKES EVERYONE TURN TO LOOK. THEN IN A BLINK OF AN EYE THE FLOORBOARDS GIVE WAY UNDER THE WEIGHT OF THE PIANO AND FALLS THROUGH THE FLOOR AND OUT OF VIEW. EVERYONE IN THE ROOM STARES AT THE NOW HUGE HOLE IN THE FLOOR UTTERLY GOB SMACKED
A BEAT
MARTIN
At least it'll take his attention away from the scratch.
AS NILES AND FRASIER ENTER RUNNING TO SEE WHAT THE NOISE WAS WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO(D)
FADE IN:
INT. MONTANA CORRIDOR — EVENING — DAY/1
(Niles, Frasier, Doorman, Daphne, Roz, Martin, Man)
NILES AND FRASIER STAND OUTSIDE THE FRONT DOOR OF THE APARTMENT DIRECTLY BELOW NILES' BANGING ON THE DOOR FRANTICALLY
NILES
Oh my God! Oh my God!
FRASIER
Becoming hysterical is not going to help at this point.
NILES
But what if he's dead? What if we've just killed Mr. Larkin? I've already killed one member of this building, I don't need another one added to my record.
FRASIER
What are the chances that he'd be standing on that spot precisely at that moment when it fell through the floor?
NILES
What were the chances that it would have fallen through the floor in the first place?
FRASIER
You know you've got a point there.
NILES
I'll be living on the street for sure after this.
FRASIER
You can't be so sure. He might be very understanding.
NILES
I've just destroyed the home of and possibly killed the head of the tenant's board. He's hardly going to take to the park and buy me an ice cream for this. Oh please answer the door Mr. Larkin.
FRASIER
Maybe he can't hear the door.
NILES
Why not?
FRASIER
He might be in the shower.
NILES
Or under a piano. He's dead I know he is. What's that smell? Oh my God he is dead he's beginning to smell already. I could be executed for this.
FRASIER
That's a pot roast Niles.
THE DOORMAN, DAPHNE AND ROZ ENTER RUNNING AROUND THE CORNER
DOORMAN
What's going on?
NILES
You've got to open up I have reason to believe that Mr. Larkin may have committed suicide by crushing himself with a piano after knocking a large hole in his ceiling into my apartment.
DAPHNE
It's all right. He's out of town.
NILES
Really?
ROZ
Visiting his daughter.
DOORMAN
He'll be gone until next weekend.
NILES
Oh thank God. Can you let me inside?
DOORMAN
Now just a second that could be considered breaking and entering you know.
FRASIER
Not if you just open the door.
DOORMAN
I mean coming through the ceiling with a piano. What? You expect me to believe that story?
NILES
I'm begging you. I only want to get in there so I can repair the damage before he comes home.
DOORMAN
I understand that but I can't just let you in. What's to stop you from smashing a saxophone through your bedroom wall when Mrs. Milner's away so you can have a look through her underwear drawer?
ROZ
Oh he'd never do that again.
NILES GLARES AT ROZ
DOORMAN
I stand to get into a certain amount of trouble myself if anything goes missing in someone's purse.
NILES
But I don't own a purse.
DOORMAN
What I really need is a little assurance that everything will be okay if I let you in there.
NILES
Oh it will I promise. You have my word. Please let me in there.
DOORMAN
I need more then that.
NILES
Pretty, pretty please?
DOORMAN
Maybe with a little encouragement from your friends.
FRASIER
Please help us out.
DOORMAN
I mean your friends of Mr. Washington and Mr. Lincoln.
NILES
I don't know anyone by those names.
DAPHNE
Oh for God's sake give me your wallet.
NILES GIVES DAPHNE HIS WALLET WHO TAKES OUT SOME MONEY AND GIVES IT TO THE DOORMAN
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
There will that do?
DOORMAN
Here's the key. Give it back to me when you're done.
THE DOORMAN EXITS AROUND THE CORNER COUNTING HIS MONEY
ROZ
How slow are you?
NILES
I'm sorry but I've never had to bribe anyone before. Committing and covering up a felony is new territory for me.
FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND THEY ALL EXIT INSIDE
RESET TO:
INT. MR. LARKIN'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
THEY ALL ENTER THE ROOM BEFORE FRASIER SWITCHES THE LIGHTS ON. WHEN THE LIGHTS COME ON IT REVEALS A HUGE HOLE IN THE CEILING WHERE THE PIANO FELL FROM AND WHICH NOW LIES IN A HEAP IN THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM. UNDER THE PIANO ARE PIECES OF BROKEN FURNITURE THAT IT SMASHED ON IMPACT. THE PIANO MUST HAVE HIT A SET OF DRAWERS AS THE CONTENTS ARE NOW SCATTERED ACROSS THE FLOOR. FLOORBOARDS AND OTHER PIECES OF THE FLOOR ARE SCATTERED ABOUT THE ROOM AS WELL AS A LAYER OF DUST. THE BOXES OF NILES' PAPERWORK ARE NOW ALSO SCATTERED AROUND THE ROOM
FRASIER
Well its not that bad...if he never switches his lights on.
DAPHNE APPROACHES THE PIANO AND LOOKS UNDERNEATH IT
DAPHNE
What do you suppose this was?
ROZ
My money's on a couch. Or maybe a table. We can just glue the pieces together and see what it looks best as.
NILES
It looks like a bomb's gone off.
MARTIN ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR
MARTIN
How bad is it?
FRASIER
There's a little bit of damage but not so that you'd notice.
DAPHNE
(RE: UNDER THE PIANO) Oh my God, what's this bit of fluff under here?
NILES
What bit of fluff?
DAPHNE
Does he by any chance own a cat?
NILES
I don't believe this. What kind of man leaves a cat at home alone for a week? You expect it to be killed by a piano falling through the ceiling.
ROZ
That's going to have to be scraped up off the floor.
NILES
Thanks for the insight Roz. (RE: PIANO) Look at the size of that scratch. Oh it'll never sound the same again.
ROZ
Not with a dead cat welded inside it it won't.
FRASIER
I think you're loosing sight of the main problem here Niles.
MARTIN
Don't worry about it. Have it stuffed and he might not notice.
NILES
He's not going to think it's odd when he calls it and it just stands there with a glazed look on it's face not breathing.
ROZ
Isn't there anyway that we could get it to move?
NILES
Like how? The only way it'll ever move again is if someone sticks there hand up it's rear end and giggles it about. Now you may have a different interpretation but that's not my idea of a good time.
ROZ
I meant like putting it on a remote controlled car.
MARTIN
Better still, skin it and put it's fur on one of those robbo dogs. Problem solved.
DAPHNE
No it's okay. It's just a rug.
ROZ PICKS UP A COLLAR AND A LEAD FROM IN BETWEEN THE RUBBLE
ROZ
Anyway it looks as if he owns a dog, he left his collar and lead.
MARTIN
Surely wouldn't he have taken them with him if he took the dog?
FRASIER
Don't tell me that's under the piano now.
NILES
That's impossible. The building has a no dog policy.
ROZ
Then why does he have a collar and a lead? (REALISING) Oh no! Oh my God. That's disgusting. He's so old.
DAPHNE
Don't jump to conclusions. He may have had a dog before he moved in here.
FRASIER BENDS DOWN AND PICKS A PHOTO UP OFF THE FLOOR
FRASIER
If only there were true. Here's a photo of him wearing it.
NILES
I didn't need to see that.
DAPHNE
You don't suppose that barking we've been hearing has been coming from down here and not from the street.
NILES
I don't even want to think about that possibility.
ROZ
(EXCITED) Let's see what else he's got.
ROZ STARTS TO RUMMAGE THROUGH THE RUBBLE
NILES
Stop going through his drawers.
ROZ
I don't know if you noticed but the piano smashed his drawers. They're spread about the floor.
MARTIN
Is he married?
NILES
His wife died about three years ago.
MARTIN POINTS TO THE FLOOR WITH HIS CANE
MARTIN
So there's no reason why he'd still have these stockings?
NILES
Stop it, I don't want to know anymore.
DAPHNE
Or this night dress.
NILES
Dear God it's like stumbling into the world of Norman Bates.
ROZ
If his mother was a dominatrix.
SUDDENLY A MAN ENTERS INTO THE HALLWAY FROM HIS APARTMENT OPPOSITE MR. LARKIN'S WEARING A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES. AS THE DOOR IS WIDE OPEN HE CAN SEE EXACTLY WHAT'S HAPPENED BEFORE HE EXITS DOWN THE CORRIDOR. EVERYONE FREEZES UNSURE OF WHAT TO DO
FRASIER
Oh no.
DAPHNE
Do you think he saw?
ROZ
Of course he saw he was looking right at us.
NILES
What am I going to do now? He'll tell him for sure.
MARTIN
How do you know that?
NILES
You don't think he's going to be a little curious about why there were five people, a piano and bits of broken furniture scattered around his neighbour's apartment while he was away?
ROZ
We've got nothing to be ashamed of. He's the one with the dog collar.
MARTIN
Look on the bright side. At least your paper works dryer.
AS NILES BEGINS TO PANIC EVEN MORE WE:
FADE OUT
(E)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2
(Frasier, Roz, Niles, Daphne)
FRASIER AND ROZ SIT AT THE DINING TABLE WITH PAPER WORK SPREAD OUT ON THE TABLE AND A BOTTLE OF WINE
FRASIER
How would you like a pay rise Roz?
ROZ
I'd love it. While you mention it I'd also like a Porsche, a house on Maui and a pool boy with the stamina of a racehorse.
FRASIER
At least you know what to ask Santa for next year. Although I don't think that would all fit in your stocking.
ROZ
The pool boy would.
FRASIER
I don't need to know anymore Roz. Do you get enough time off to spend with Alice? Do you need more?
ROZ
Well to be fair I...wait a second, what do you want?
FRASIER
Nothing. Nothing at all. I'm merely curious.
ROZ
Well then in that case I'd love a raise and more holidays.
FRASIER STARTS TO FILL ROZ'S GLASS UP RIGHT TO THE TOP
FRASIER
Now I might be able to get that for you, I shall certainly mention it to Kenny if you do a little something for me.
ROZ
This is normally how porn starts. I'm not sleeping with you.
FRASIER
That's not what I'm asking.
ROZ
It's not? Well you can see how I'd jump to that conclusion when you're plying me with wine and offering me money. What else could you want? I'm not checking your prostate either.
FRASIER
That's certainly good to hear.
ROZ
What do you want then?
FRASIER
I want to know why I can't see Jade.
ROZ
This? Still? Don't you know when to give up?
FRASIER
Apparently not. I like this woman. I want to see her again. Give me one valid reason why I can't.
ROZ
Because I don't want you to.
FRASIER
This is driving me insane.
ROZ
Then stop asking.
NILES ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR
NILES
Hello all.
FRASIER
Niles?
NILES
I'm not telling you.
FRASIER
Why?
NILES SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH
NILES
Because Roz would kill me. Look at that glint in her eye. That's enough to send a tattoo covered trucker running for the hills in fear.
DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM
DAPHNE
Hello. Have you any word yet on when your office is going to be ready to move back in to?
DAPHNE SITS NEXT TO NILES ON THE COUCH
NILES
After they relay a new carpet tomorrow. Why?
DAPHNE
Because I'm sick of having my friends on the phone telling me that you're having an affair. There are only so many times I can tell them it's okay, I know what's going on before they think I've gone gar-gar and start following me to see if I'm wondering into the Police station in my underwear.
NILES
What?
DAPHNE
They keep seeing you go into your motel room with different women. What other conclusion are they going to draw? That you're trying to sell them beauty products?
ROZ
That would appear a little unusual.
DAPHNE
The day you had one of your group meetings my phone was ringing off the hook. What they thought you were doing with eleven women in a tiny hotel room is beyond me. But they said they all came out with a satisfied look on their faces.
NILES
I actually have some good news. I've found out the name of that man who saw us.
ROZ
You didn't know his name?
NILES
Do you know the name of everyone in your building?
ROZ
Yes.
FRASIER
She's dated most of them.
ROZ
It's a small building. How could you not know his name?
NILES
Because I'm a bad, bad neighbour. As soon as my apartment is safe to go back into I'll bake everyone a cake and knit them all sweaters to start to get more acquainted with them all.
DAPHNE
What difference does it make now that you know his name?
NILES
It means now I know where he's going to be.
ROZ
How did you find that out?
NILES
I hired someone to follow him.
DAPHNE
You hired someone to follow him?
NILES
Oh all right I followed him. I spent the day hiding behind walls and ducking into shops and unfortunately when I wasn't paying attention into the women's public toilets. It grew increasingly difficult to follow someone while being followed by a parade of women pelting me with toilet brushes. He spends all his afternoons at a health club so now all we have to do is pay to join his club and track him down inside.
FRASIER
Or you could just go to his apartment.
NILES
Or I could just go to his apartment.
AS ROZ AND DAPHNE BOTH ROLL THEIR EYES AT NILES WE:
FADE OUT
(F)
FADE IN:
INT. MONTANA CORRIDOR — AFTERNOON — DAY/3
(Niles, Frasier, Martin, Cleaner)
NILES, FRASIER AND MARTIN STAND OUTSIDE THE FRONT DOOR OF MR. LARKIN FACING THE DOOR OF THE MAN WHO SAW THEM
NILES
How do we go about this?
FRASIER
What do you mean?
NILES
How do we do it without frightening him?
MARTIN
How would you frighten him?
NILES
He saw the damage I did with the piano. He probably thinks I'm going to try to impale him with a flute because he saw us. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't answer the door because he's locked himself in a cupboard.
MARTIN
Niles you can't even scare a squirrel away from your lunch in the park. In fact they sit on a branch and laugh at you. Being mocked by a squirrel is nothing to be proud of.
FRASIER
Just tell him the truth.
NILES
That I want to bribe him into keeping quiet?
FRASIER
Not that truth, some other truth.
MARTIN
If you don't knock on his door you're not going to be able to ask him anything.
NILES
Okay I'm ready. Don't crowd around he might think we're members of the mob intending on confiscating his toes.
FRASIER
Oh I've got an idea. Dad get out your wallet.
MARTIN
And show him what? My video store card?
FRASIER
Flash him your badge.
MARTIN
No. Just knock on his door.
NILES
You knock on his door.
MARTIN
Fine.
MARTIN GOES TO KNOCK ON THE DOOR
NILES
No wait.
MARTIN
What now?
NILES
We need to get our story straight first.
FRASIER
The story is straight.
NILES
And you think he's going to believe that a leak in my office caused by over eaters on an inflatable bouncing castle full of water, caused me to move my piano into the middle of the room where it fell through the floor?
MARTIN
Yes.
NILES
How can you be sure? I hardly believe it and I saw it all.
MARTIN
For Pete's sake.
MARTIN KNOCKS ON THE DOOR
NILES
No not yet.
FRASIER
What do we do now?
NILES
Hide.
FRASIER AND NILES BOTH JUMP TO EITHER SIDE OF THE DOOR, CROUCH ON THE FLOOR AND PRESS THEMSELVES UP THE WALL AS MARTIN ROLLS HIS EYES AND A CLEANER OPENS THE DOOR
CLEANER
Hello. Can I help you?
MARTIN
Hello. Can I speak to...(TO NILES) what's his name?
NILES
(WHISPERS) Mr. Blake.
MARTIN
What?
NILE STANDS UP LIKE A NAUGHTY SCHOOL BOY AND JOINS MARTIN
NILES
Mr. Blake.
THE CLEANER SURPRISED BY NILES' SUDDEN APPEARANCE LOOKS OUT THE DOOR FOR ANYONE ELSE
CLEANER
Is that Dr. Crane from the radio on the floor over there?
FRASIER STANDS UP AND JOINS THEM
FRASIER
Yes hello. I was just looking for my...brother. There he is. Is Mr. Blake home?
CLEANER
No he's at his health club for the afternoon as usual.
MARTIN
Thank you. I'll call back later.
THE CLEANER EXITS BACK INSIDE AND CLOSES THE DOOR
MARTIN (CONT'D)
Now was that so hard?
AS MARTIN STARTS TO EXIT DOWN THE CORRIDOR WE:
FADE OUT
(G)
FADE IN:
INT. HEALTH CLUB LOCKER ROOM — AFTERNOON — DAY/3
(Frasier, Niles, Mr. Blake)
FRASIER AND NILES STAND BY THE ENTRANCE TO THE LOCKER ROOM, LOOKING AT ALL THE FACES DOWN THE OTHER END
FRASIER
Which one is he?
NILES
You saw him the other day.
FRASIER
At the time I had the image of Mr. Larkin in a dog collar impeding my vision. I'm amazed I've been able to see since.
NILES
You think you're disturbed. I'm the one that's heard barking. I don't want to ask who was meowing at the same time.
FRASIER
So anyway which one is he?
NILES
I'm not sure.
FRASIER
You tailed him for a day.
NILES
I only saw the back of his head. And besides it was dark and cloudy that day and I had sunglasses on to conceal myself. I could have been following a boy on his paper round for all I know.
FRASIER
Surely you saw him and knew it was him when you started following him.
NILES
He looked frightened so I naturally assumed. Oh don't give me that look, I've had a traumatic few days. While I was waiting for him to come out of the Montana I was huddled spy like behind a trash can when a stray dog tried to relieve himself up me which caused me to fall onto something in the trash that I can only hope was dried up chocolate fondue.
FRASIER
Is that him?
A MAN WEARING SUN GLASSES EXITS THROUGH A DOOR ON THE RIGHT
NILES
I think so. Oh but wait he's gone into the shower.
FRASIER
Well go on in there after him.
NILES
You expect me to approach a man in the shower and offer him money? Do you have any idea what that'll do to my reputation?
FRASIER
Only the same damage as when people have seen you run.
NILES
What if he's naked?
FRASIER
Look at his face.
NILES
That's easier said then done.
FRASIER
Just go on in there.
NILES
Come with me.
FRASIER
No thank you, I've already seen one of your neighbours in a collar, I don't want to see another one naked.
NILES
What if he gives me any trouble?
FRASIER
Then just smack his behind with a towel and threaten to steal his pants. That always worked on us after gym class. Oh fine. Come on.
THEY BOTH GO TO EXIT INTO THE SHOWER. ONCE NILES HAS EXITED, FRASIER DOESN'T FOLLOW HIM BUT GOES BACK TO WAIT BY THE DOOR
RESET TO:
INT. SHOWER ROOM — CONTINUOUS
NILES ENTERS INTO THE SHOWER ROOM THAT HAS MORE LOCKERS AND A SET OF SHOWERS AT THE END. THERE IS NO ONE ELSE IN THERE EXCEPT NILES AND THE MAN WHO SAW THEM, MR. BLAKE. ONCE NILES IS IN THE ROOM HE GOES TO TURN TO TALK TO FRASIER ONLY TO SEE THAT HE HASN'T FOLLOWED HIM
NILES
Frasier! Frasier! Get back here!
NILES APPROACHES MR. BLAKE WHO IS SEARCHING THROUGH HIS LOCKER
NILES (CONT'D)
Excuse me Mr. Blake?
MR. BLAKE
Hello Dr. Crane. I've been expecting you.
NILES
I thought you might have been.
MR. BLAKE
So what can I do for you?
NILES
First of all you can reassure me you're wearing underwear under that towel.
MR. BLAKE
Indeed I am. Now I can't imagine you've come all the way down here to check if I'm flashing people at my health club. I'm not by the way.
NILES
I know you saw what happened and I'd like to ask you to please keep quiet about it.
MR. BLAKE
I don't understand.
NILES
What is it going to take for you to keep quiet?
MR. BLAKE
I'm not sure what you mean.
NILES
My friends Mr. Washington and Mr. Lincoln are here and are hoping that you'll cooperate. That means I'm trying to bribe you not that I have some thugs waiting for you in the parking lot.
MR. BLAKE
Dr. Crane what are you talking about?
NILES
My piano falling through Mr. Larkin's ceiling and virtually demolishing his apartment. You came out of your apartment and saw us when we had the door open.
MR. BLAKE
Dr. Crane have you never noticed that I'm always wearing my sunglasses in a city where it rains nine months of the year?
NILES
It can be awfully bright out.
MR. BLAKE
I'm blind Dr. Crane. I didn't see a thing. You could have been having Mardi Gras across the hall from me and I wouldn't have known.
NILES
Really? But you said you were expecting me.
MR. BLAKE
You were following me yesterday. I heard you trip over trash cans four times behind me and then your shrieks as it sounded like you were being hit with something.
NILES
Oh then that changes everything. Thank you very much. Good bye.
NILES GOES TO LEAVE
MR. BLAKE
Wait a second Dr. Crane. I didn't know before. I do now. Now what was this about a bribe? And believe me it's going to take a lot more then Mr. Lincoln.
NILES
Mr. Jackson?
MR. BLAKE
Think bigger.
AS NILES SIGHS AND GETS OUT HIS WALLET WE:
FADE OUT
(H)
TITLE CARD: "IN HIS DEFENCE THE RESTAURANT WAS VERY DARK"
FADE IN:
INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/3
(Frasier, Niles, Roz, Daphne)
NILES' APARTMENT IS NOW RESTORED BACK TO ITS FORMER GLORY WITH THE HOLE FIXED. THERE REMAINS A FEW DROP CLOTHS OVER HIS FURNITURE. NILES AND FRASIER ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR
FRASIER
How could you not know he was blind?
NILES
I'm not that observant.
FRASIER
He walks with a white stick.
NILES
I thought that was his rather debonair style.
DAPHNE AND ROZ ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN
FRASIER
Ah Roz! A word with you please.
NILES AND DAPHNE GREET EACH OTHER BEFORE SETTING ABOUT REMOVING THE DROP CLOTHS
ROZ
I'm not telling you.
FRASIER
There's no need to I found out myself.
ROZ
Niles you blabber mouth.
NILES
I didn't tell him anything.
FRASIER
There was no need I saw Jade down at the health club.
DAPHNE
That was coincidental.
FRASIER
Yes in a men's health club.
NILES
That's a little odd.
FRASIER
Without her wig and makeup.
ROZ
Really?
FRASIER
You set me up on a date with a man didn't you?
ROZ
Yes. But in my defence I didn't know she was a man until after your date when she felt the need to come clean with me.
FRASIER
It's just a pity she didn't come clean with me. I thought you'd known her since your college days.
ROZ
I have but I've maybe seen her three times since then.
FRASIER
And in all that time it never came up?
ROZ
Well maybe once or twice at slumber parties when the rest of us were running around in our underwear having pillow fights but I thought that was just how her pyjamas had rumpled up.
FRASIER
I meant the conversation never came up?
ROZ
Do you ever ask anyone at the wine club if they used to be women?
FRASIER
Only after a few bottles of Beaujolais Neuvo.
DAPHNE
Well you're not the only Crane dating a man.
NILES
Have you been keeping a secret from me?
DAPHNE
I'm talking about you. Someone saw you letting an old man into your motel room. All my friends think I'm marrying the biggest pervert under the sun.
NILES
My reputations taken a proper beating today.
DAPHNE
I think that's what they thought you were doing to him. How did things go down at the health club apart from that?
NILES
Fine. After a little persuasion he decided to keep quiet.
DAPHNE
So he saw everything?
NILES
(CHANGING THE SUBJECT) Doesn't the place look fantastic? You'd never know what had happened.
FRASIER
And with any luck neither will Mr. Larkin.
CUT TO:
(I)
INT. MR. LARKIN'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/4
(Mr. Larkin)
MR. LARKIN ENTERS HIS APARTMENT, WHICH HAS THE LIGHTS OFF. WHEN HE IS IN AND HAS SHUT THE DOOR HE SWITCHES THE LIGHTS ON. SITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM, WHICH HAS THE CEILING REPAIRED, WHERE IT LANDED WITH ALL HIS NOW REPAIRED FURNITURE AROUND IT LIES NILES PIANO. MR. LARKIN STARES AT IT A LITTLE GOB SMACKED AS WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWOCLOSING CREDITS: NILES COMES OUT OF HIS KITCHEN CARRYING A GLASS OF WINE. HE THEN WALKS TO THE FRONT DOOR AND GETS SOME SHEET MUSIC OUT OF THE CONSOLE. HAPPILY HE BOUNDS OVER TO WHERE THE PIANO USED TO BE. HE GOES TO SIT HIS DRINK DOWN ON THE PIANO WHEN IT SUDDENLY HITS HIM THAT IT'S MISSING. HE STANDS, CONFUSED FOR A MOMENT. SUDDENLY HE REALISES, PUTS HIS DRINK DOWN ON THE TABLE AND RUNS FOR THE FRONT DOOR
