I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
I wrote this one on a train going from Aberystwyth to Birmingham back in May, so you can see how lazy I am when it comes to posting these things. Please send all feedback to kelly_simba@hotmail.com and be entered into the prize draw to win Wolfgang's beautifully crunchy crab cakes.
Enjoy...
Alternative Season Nine Episode Sixteen
No Strings Attached
By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)
ACT ONE(A)
FADE IN:
INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/1
(Daphne, Niles)
DAPHNE IS STANDING ON A CHAIR NEXT TO THE FRONT DOOR WITH NILES STANDING ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE FAINTING COUCH WITH A ROLLED UP MAGAZINE CLENCHED IN HIS HANDS
DAPHNE
Pass me something to hit it with.
NILES
Like what? A baseball bat? A boxing glove? My late Victorian spoon rest? You know I only own one of those though. Although my oven glove could pass as a boxing glove in a dark light.
DAPHNE
How about a magazine maybe doctor.
NILES
Oh right. Let me find one.
NILES GOES TO THE COFFEE TABLE AND STARTS FLICKING THROUGH A STACK OF MAGAZINES
DAPHNE
What's wrong with that one in your hand?
NILES LOOKS AT THE MAGAZINE
NILES
It has my letter printed in it.
DAPHNE
And?
NILES
I don't particularly want moth entrails smeared on it.
DAPHNE
Do you want me to kill the moth or not?
NILES HANDS HER A MAGAZINE OFF THE TABLE BEFORE BACKING AWAY AGAIN
NILES
Use this one.
DAPHNE
It's got your brother on the front cover.
NILES
I know that's why I said to use it. Quick, quick it's moving.
DAPHNE
It won't kill you. I hardly think its wings are sharp enough to slit your throat. And it's highly unlikely you'll be flapped to death.
NILES
You can never be too sure. It's been giving me the evil eye.
DAPHNE
So have I and you're not scared of me.
NILES
Aren't I? Get it now hit it!
DAPHNE STRETCHES TO HER LEFT TO SWOT THE MOTH WITH THE MAGAZINE BUT UNFORTUNATELY STRETCHES TOO FAR. THIS CAUSES HER TO LOOSE HER FOOTING AND FALL OFF THE CHAIR HITTING THE FLOOR WITH A THUD. AS NILES RUSHES TO HER WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
TITLE CARD: "IF THE SURGEON HAD BEEN IN TOWN SHE WOULD HAVE"
FADE IN:
INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR — MORNING — DAY/1
(Frasier, Roz, Niles, Martin, Nurse, Daphne, Allison)
NILES AND MARTIN SIT OUTSIDE A CLOSED DOOR IN THE HOSPITAL WARD AS FRASIER AND ROZ COME RUNNING DOWN THE CORRIDOR TO MEET THEM
FRASIER
I'm sorry it's taken us so long but I had to wait for someone to do her hair and makeup before she would let me leave the station. I'm surprised you didn't want to wait until you'd shaved your legs and lost ten pounds. Maybe even have had a face lift and breast enlargements.
ROZ
There are cute doctors here. I couldn't waste an opportunity to snag one of them. Daphne would have done the same thing had the situation been reversed.
NILES
She's already got herself a doctor.
ROZ
Really? Since when? Oh you mean yourself don't you?
FRASIER
What happened?
NILES
Daphne had a small accident at my apartment but she's fine the doctor's just finished up with her and the nurse is in with her now.
MARTIN
Tell them what happened.
NILES
You know I'd rather not if it's all the same with you.
ROZ
I'm not sure I really want to hear this. It didn't involve the two of you, nudity and gymnastic skills that you obviously don't possess did it? Because I don't need the recurring nightmares I have a hard enough time sleeping as it is.
NILES
No Roz you seem to be confusing our lives with yours.
ROZ
It only happened once! Why does everyone still make such a big deal about it? I don't make a habit of it.
FRASIER
Because you were caught on the stations security cameras and he broke his leg, three ribs and nearly lost an eye. Heaven only knows what the paramedics thought when they arrived and got a real eye full.
ROZ
Will you keep your voice down! It wasn't as bad as it seemed.
FRASIER
You had to wear a neck brace for two weeks. Secret Santa's was passing around copies of the tape for three straight Christmas's.
ROZ
I believe we were interrogating Niles.
MARTIN
Why won't you tell them?
NILES
I'm not sure Daphne would be entirely comfortable with it.
MARTIN
She told me easily enough.
NILES
That's because they'd just given her some extremely strong painkillers. They were strong enough to have killed a fully grown rhino. She was delusional. She was also about to tell you who shot JFK and where Jimmy Hoffa's body was.
FRASIER
Will someone just please tell us what's going on?
NILES
Let me think...no.
A NURSE ENTERS FROM THE SIDE ROOM AND STARES AT NILES
NURSE
A moth? This all happened because of a tiny moth?
NILES
Yes now run along.
FRASIER AND ROZ START TO LAUGH TO THEMSELVES
NURSE
You can go back in now and see her. I've checked in every corner and there are definitely no insects in there so you should be safe to go in there and leave with all your organs intact.
NILES
Thank you.
NILES OPENS THE DOOR AND EXITS INSIDE
ROZ
(TO MARTIN) A moth did it?
FRASIER, ROZ AND MARTIN EXIT INSIDE
RESET TO:
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM — CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE LIES IN THE BED WITH HER ANKLE BANDAGED WEARING A HOSPITAL GOWN. NILES SITS ON THE EDGE OF THE BED AS FRASIER, ROZ AND MARTIN ENTER
DAPHNE
Hardly. I was standing on a chair to swat a moth because the little girl here was beginning to shriek and flap around like a mongoose in heat if it came near him, when I lost my balance and fell off.
FRASIER
Are you all right?
DAPHNE
I just twisted my ankle and banged my head.
MARTIN
Can you come home?
NILES
The doctor said they want to keep her in until the morning because of a mild concussion. Just be to be safe.
ROZ
And this is all because of a moth?
NILES
Like you don't think I'm feeling guilty enough?
FRASIER
A moth?
FRASIER AND ROZ BOTH START TO LAUGH AGAIN
NILES
A moth the size of some sort of genetically engineered super bat and I'm so glad you find Daphne's injury so amusing.
DAPHNE
You have got to see someone over this bug phobia. I'm not going to end up needing a new lung one day because I had to stretch to catch a spider.
NILES
That's the last time from now on I'll catch all insects.
MARTIN
That'll be entertaining to watch. You need sedating to sit on the grass in the park.
NILES
That's not because of the insects. (THEN) Oh all right not only because of the insects who knows what animal has relieved itself on that grass.
FRASIER
Can I get you anything Daphne?
DAPHNE
I wouldn't say no to a cup of tea.
FRASIER
I'll run and get you one. I'll be right back.
FRASIER EXITS OUT ONTO THE CORRIDOR. ROZ STARTS TO LAUGH TO HERSELF AGAIN AS MARTIN TRIES TO STOP HIMSELF FROM LAUGHING. EVEN DAPHNE IS BEGINNING TO SMILE AND SEE THE FUNNY SIDE OF IT
NILES
(SHOUTS) Will you stop that it isn't funny.
ROZ
Look at you you're hysterical.
NILES
I am not hysterical!
ROZ
Well you make me laugh.
RESET TO:
INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER WAITS TO GET A CUP OF TEA FROM THE VENDING MACHINE. IN FRONT OF HIM IS ALLISON, A MIDDLE AGED WOMAN, WITH HER HAND UP A VENTRILOQUISTS PUPPET. ALLISON STRUGGLES TO JUGGLE HER CHANGE WITH ONLY ONE HAND
ALLISON
Oops.
FRASIER
Here let me help you with that. You look as if you both have your hands full.
FRASIER PUTS ALLISON'S CHANGE IN THE MACHINE BEFORE SHE PUSHES THE BUTTON AND THEN PICKS UP HER CUP
ALLISON
Thank you.
FRASIER
(RE: PUPPET) Is this for you or for your friend?
ALLISON
It's for me. Any fluids tend to go straight through him and we don't need him to have wet pants because we have a show to do. It's one of the perils of being made of wood. That and lice try to eat his face at the most unfortunate times.
FRASIER
So you're working here not visiting anyone?
ALLISON
I stop by every now and then to entertain the kids on the children's ward. There's something about a talking block of wood with eyes that seems appealing to people under four feet tall. You should see me I'm a riot among garden gnome circles. (THEN) I hope you don't mind my asking but your voice sounds familiar, where do I know you from?
FRASIER
You might have heard my radio show, I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
ALLISON
No that's not it.
FRASIER
I assure you that's who I am.
ALLISON
No I mean forgive me but I've never heard your show. I've heard of it but never actually listened to it. I'm usually working then. Do you ever go to Café Nervosa?
FRASIER
Quite frequently.
ALLISON
That's it then. Well it was nice meeting you.
ALLISON GOES TO EXIT DOWN THE CORRIDOR
FRASIER
You never told me your name.
ALLISON
Oh I'm sorry. Allison Richards.
THEY SHAKE HANDS
FRASIER
And who is this?
ALLISON
This is Spankey the monkey. (THEN) You know I'm just about to do a show for the kids if you'd like to come and watch.
FRASIER
I'd love to.
THEY START TO WALK DOWN THE CORRIDOR
FRASIER (CONT'D)
I haven't got anything to do until I have to be back at the station.
FRASIER AND ALLISON EXIT AROUND THE CORNER
A BEAT
FRASIER ENTERS RUNNING AROUND THE CORNER AND STARTS TO PUT SOME MONEY INTO THE VENDING MACHINE AS WE:
FADE OUT
(C)
FADE IN:
INT. RESTAURANT — EVENING — DAY/1
(Frasier, Allison, Waiter, Woman)
FRASIER SITS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CROWDED RESTAURANT AS ALLISON APPROACHES CARRYING SPANKEY THE PUPPET UNDER HER ARM. FRASIER RISES TO GREET HER
FRASIER
Hello.
ALLISON
Hello. I'm sorry we're late.
THEY BOTH SIR DOWN
FRASIER
We? Ah I see. Your friend seems to be sitting on your hand. That'll make it rather hard to eat dinner.
ALLISON SITS SPANKEY DOWN ON THE EMPTY SEAT
ALLISON
I'm sorry I had to bring him with me as I came straight from the hospital.
FRASIER
It's fine.
A WAITER APPROACHES WITH A BASKET OF ROLLS AND THROWS THEM DOWN ON THEIR SIDE PLATES WITH A LOT OF FORCE
WAITER
Here are your rolls.
FRASIER
Let's hope when you ask for a clean knife they don't give them to you in the same way. Well when I went to the hospital today I didn't expect the day to end up like this.
ALLISON
Me neither.
FRASIER
Although I'm certainly glad it did.
ALLISON
I hope you don't mind me bringing Spankey along. I don't like leaving him in the car. More often then not someone thinks he's a really hairy child and calls social services. There are only so many times they can arrest and strip search me before it becomes an inconvenience. I'm joking of course, it's only happen twice in the last year.
FRASIER
That's very funny. Of course I don't mind. Although has he ever heard the expression three's a crowd?
ALLISON
Apparently not. One thing is for certain he won't monopolise the conversation.
FRASIER
Or eat much one would presume.
FRASIER GAZE STARTS TO WONDER ONTO SPANKEY AS SPANKEY'S EYES STARE RIGHT BACK AT HIM
ALLISON
I guess not except when I'm doing a show, look the other way and not notice that a small child has pushed a spoonful of jello down his throat. What are you staring at?
FRASIER
I just love his little outfit.
ALLISON
I'm not sure they'll be able to do one in your size but I could ask. Just for reference he also has a little sailors outfit. I heard your show today in the hospital cafeteria during my break.
FRASIER
Really?
A LOUD SCREAM STARTS TO COME FROM THE KITCHEN WHICH OBVIOUSLY DISTRACTS EVERYONE IN THE RESTAURANT
A BEAT
ALLISON
Well I heard your voice so you were either on the radio or stalking me.
FRASIER
Have you always wanted to be a ventriloquist?
ALLISON
Yes ever since I can remember. I guess it all started when... no I can't, it'll freak you out.
FRASIER
I'm sure it won't. The screaming from the kitchen and the violent waiters are but you never.
ALLISON
You don't even know me.
FRASIER
I'd like to.
ALLISON
Oh all right but I'm positive it'll freak you out. I grew up in a funeral parlour my father was a mortician. When no one was looking I used to sneak behind one of the bodies as they waited to have their ear or various other missing body parts sown back on, pull the bit of skin at the back of their necks so that their face would twitch and use them as a dummy. I used to do a little chat show like Johnny Carson except the audience, all imaginary had to guess how they died. I can tell from your face that you're horrified. But in my defence I was five and no one wanted to play with the kid who had dead people in her house and a Grandmother who used to shave the cat so it wouldn't get fleas.
FRASIER
Well it's a little concerning, but I used to play with my mother's lab rats so I can't really be too alarmed.
ALLISON
Oh my God! You're kidding! They're vermin! How could you?
FRASIER
Well you see I was only young and...
ALLISON
Frasier I'm joking. I played with dead bodies throughout my childhood. My sister and I used to play catch with a severed ear. Do you honestly think a rat is going to bother me?
FRASIER
Good because I'm sure I've just seen one run from the kitchen.
A WOMAN AT THE NEXT TABLE SUDDENLY STANDS UP AND SHOUTS
WOMAN
This is raw!
THE WAITER RUNS TO HER
WAITER
How can you tell you haven't bitten into any of the meat yet?
WOMAN
Because it's just got up and walked off my plate.
FRASIER
Come to think of it the reviews weren't the best for this restaurant or the health and safety record.
ALLISON
I think that rules out having crab.
FRASIER
I wouldn't recommend roast beef either in case it's still mooing on your plate.
ALLISON
How about we just get out of here?
FRASIER
I don't think we'll get into anywhere else at this time on a Friday night.
ALLISON
Then how about I cook you something at my place?
FRASIER
That sounds lovely.
ALLISON
I was actually talking to Spankey.
FRASIER
Oh I see, well...
ALLISON
Frasier I'm joking.
AS THEY BOTH LAUGH AND STAND UP TO LEAVE WE:
FADE OUT
(D)
TITLE CARD: "ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT?"
FADE IN:
INT. DAPHNE'S HOSPITAL ROOM — NIGHT — DAY/1
(Nurse, Daphne, Niles, Woman, Man)
DAPHNE LIES IN BED AS BEFORE WITH THE NURSE HELPING HER TO GET COMFY
NURSE
I'm sorry about having to move you but we needed that larger room for another patient so her husband could stay the night.
DAPHNE
It's fine, it makes no difference to me. Unless you're trying to trick me and this is actually the morgue.
NURSE
Oh no we won't make that mistake twice. It took us forever to thaw him out for his family to identify him. His daughter thought we'd tried to cryogenically freeze him until we found a cure. But that's not the first time that's happened. One poor mite didn't know there wasn't a cure for decapitation. I blame the manufacturers of those Barbie dolls. With a strong pair of pliers you can rip her head off, put it back on and she still has a smile on her face.
DAPHNE
You're joking.
NURSE
When we do it to doctors it's a joke but it's generally frowned on with patients and then we have lawyers crawling around everywhere asking questions and claiming they can see cockroaches in the operating theatres. Are you going to be okay?
DAPHNE
I hope so.
NURSE
Just buzz us if you need anything.
THE NURSE EXITS AND SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND HER
DAPHNE
How about some anti-freeze and bug spray?
RESET TO:
INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS
NILES WALKS DOWN THE CORRIDOR VERY QUIETLY BUT ALSO QUICKLY SO AS NOT TO BE SEEN BY A NURSE. WHEN HE REACHES WHAT USED TO BE DAPHNE'S DOOR HE OPENS IT AND GENTLY SLIPS INSIDE
RESET TO:
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM — CONTINUOUS
ONCE INSIDE THE PITCH BLACK ROOM NILES CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. HE THEN TIP TOES OVER TO THE BED THAT CAN JUST BE MADE OUT AS HAVING SOMEONE SLEEPING IN IT
NILES
Daphne
THERE IS NO MOVEMENT
NILES (CONT'D)
Daphne it's me.
NILES THEN MOVES AROUND TO THE FAR SIDE AFTER HIS CALL GOT NO RESPONSE, CAREFULLY CLIMBS ON TOP OF THE BED AND LIES ON THE EDGE
NILES (CONT'D)
I missed you. I can't sleep when you're not here.
WOMAN
What?
THE FIGURE IN THE BED THEN REACHES ACROSS AND TURNS ON THE LIGHT REVEALING NILES SNUGGLING UP TO AN EXTREMELY SHOCKED LOOKING WOMAN WITH HER HUSBAND ASLEEP IN A CHAIR
NILES
Oh my God I'm so sorry. I thought you were someone else. I'd have never have climbed in had I seen your face. Not that I mean that you're unattractive with that scar. Not that I saw what you were like before. You're just not who I was looking for.
THE WOMAN LOOKS AT NILES AND SCREAMS CAUSING HER HUSBAND TO WAKE UP WITH A START
MAN
What's going on? Get away from her you pervert.
NILES
I'm sorry. I was just leaving.
NILES JUMPS OFF THE BED AND RUNS TOWARDS THE DOOR
NILES (CONT'D)
It'll never happen again.
AS NILES EXITS AND RUNS DOWN THE CORRIDOR, THE MAN JUMPS UP AND CHASES AFTER HIM WHILE HIS WIFE CONTINUES TO SCREAM UNCONTROLLABLY
MAN
Come back here!
RESET TO:
INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS
NILES RUNS DOWN THE CORRIDOR IN HIS UNUSUAL FASHION UNTIL HE REACHES ANOTHER DOOR ON HIS RIGHT WHICH HE EXITS INTO AND SLAMS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM
RESET TO:
INT. DAPHNE'S HOSPITAL ROOM — CONTINUOUS
IN ANOTHER DARKENED ROOM NILES LEANS UP AGAINST THE DOOR AND GASPS FOR AIR
DAPHNE
Niles?
NILES
Daphne?
DAPHNE TURNS ON THE LIGHT
DAPHNE
What are you doing here?
NILES
What am I doing here? What are you doing here? Why aren't you in that other room?
MAN
(OFF STAGE) Come back here you pervert! I'm going to slap you silly!
NILES IMMEDIATELY SPRINTS AROUND TO THE FAR SIDE OF DAPHNE'S BED, JUMPS ON THE EDGE AND COVERS HIMSELF WITH THE COVERS. BEFORE DAPHNE CAN COMMENT AT ALL THE MAN ENTERS
MAN (CONT'D)
Oh I'm sorry ma'am, I didn't realise there was someone in here. You haven't by any chance seen a man in a suit and a trench coat go by have you?
DAPHNE THINKS FOR A MOMENT
DAPHNE
Kind of short, goony looking, receding hairline, running as if he's borrowed his body for the weekend and hasn't figured out how it works yet?
MAN
That's him. Some sort of park flasher if ever I've seen one.
DAPHNE
He went that way.
MAN
Thank you so much.
THE MAN EXITS. ONCE THE DOOR IS SHUT NILES SPEAKS BUT STILL REMAINS WITH HIS HEAD UNDER THE COVERS
NILES
Has he gone yet?
DAPHNE
Unless he's hiding under someone else's covers. So are you going to tell me what's going on then or will I just read about it tomorrow in the newspaper?
NILES PULLS THE COVERS FROM OFF HIS FACE
NILES
I may have accidentally climbed in bed with his sick wife.
DAPHNE
If I had a dollar for every time I heard that story.
NILES
Why didn't you phone me and tell me you'd moved rooms?
DAPHNE
I didn't expect you to come back tonight, but the way you're going you almost needed a bed all of your own and a new pancreas. What are you doing here?
NILES
I missed you. I can't sleep on my own anymore. It's like being married to Maris again. And I'm feeling incredibly guilty.
DAPHNE
I can never sleep either when you're not there.
THEY KISS AS THE MAN RE-ENTERS AND SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM
MAN
You'll be sleeping with this fishes soon buddy.
AS NILES JUMPS UP AND BACKS AWAY INTO THE CORNER WE:
FADE OUT
(E)
FADE IN:
INT. ALLISON'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — DAY/1
(Frasier, Allison, Woman)
ALLISON AND FRASIER ENTER THE LIVING ROOM THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. THE APARTMENT COULD BE DESCRIBED AS A LESS EXPENSIVE VERSION OF FRASIER'S APARTMENT. ALLISON STILL CARRIES SPANKEY UNDER HER ARM
FRASIER
You have a lovely apartment.
ALLISON
Thank you.
ALLISON SITS SPANKEY ON THE FIREPLACE
FRASIER
Are you going to leave Spankey there?
ALLISON
Yes I always keep him with me as company. He's a lot cleaner then a cat and doesn't leave if someone else feeds him. Actually in that respect he's an ideal substitute for a man.
FRASIER
Do you take him into every room with you?
ALLISON
I never take him into the bathroom if that's what you mean. I don't want to make his cheeks blush. And he's not that big he might fall down the toilet.
FRASIER
Do you take him into your bedroom with you?
ALLISON
Yes, he sits on my bedside table.
FRASIER
Even when you have...you know company.
ALLISON
You mean when I have a date over.
FRASIER
I hope you don't think I'm prying.
ALLISON
He doesn't join in Frasier. He's a puppet. If he did can you imagine where I'd have splinters. There's an explanation to my doctor that I don't particularly want to give.
FRASIER
Doesn't it bother you when it...
ALLISON
He.
FRASIER
Excuse me?
ALLISON
He's a he not an it.
FRASIER
I'm sorry. Doesn't it bother you when he stares at you?
ALLISON
No he's just a puppet. He stares but he doesn't see, he's just like large a hamster with Cateraxe.
FRASIER
Of course just a puppet. Have you never seen the Child's Play movies?
ALLISON
Spankey doesn't bother you does he?
FRASIER
No, no of course not.
ALLISON
Wait a second you've seen the Child's Play movies?
FRASIER
I have a teenage son.
ALLISON
Does he live with you?
FRASIER
No with his mother in Boston but I try to see him as much as I can.
ALLISON
I'll be right back let me just get the wine.
ALLISON EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN AS FRASIER SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH
FRASIER
(TO SPANKEY) Stop staring at me. I won't hesitate in pulling your eyes out. I can handle a tiny dog but not some sort of possessed puppet watching my every move.
ALLISON
(OFF STAGE) Pardon?
FRASIER
I was just admiring your photo collection.
SPANKEY'S HAND SLIPS OFF HIS LEG AND HITS THE EDGE OF THE FIRE PLACE WHICH CAUSES FRASIER TO JUMP
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Is any part of Spankey electronic?
ALLISON
(OFF STAGE) How do you mean?
FRASIER
Can he move on his own?
ALLISON
(OFF STAGE) No only when I put my hand inside him and giggle it about.
FRASIER WALKS OVER TO SPANKEY AND PULLS HIS EYELIDS DOWN
FRASIER
Aha, now stare at me Spankey.
FRASIER SITS BACK DOWN JUST AS SPANKEY'S EYES POP BACK OPEN AGAIN
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Damn it.
FRASIER GETS BACK UP AND PICKS SPANKEY UP AS ALLISON ENTERS
ALLISON
What are you doing?
FRASIER
He's so well made.
FRASIER PUTS SPANKEY BACK BEFORE BOTH HE AND ALLISON SIT ON THE COUCH
ALLISON
Why do I feel as if I'm the third wheel and you're on a date with Spankey?
FRASIER
Well if you could leave us alone, I'd appreciate it.
ALLISON
Why isn't a guy like you fighting off women?
FRASIER
Bad luck and I guess...did he just move?
ALLISON
Would it make you feel better if I put him in his box?
FRASIER
Would you?
ALLISON GETS UP AND PUTS SPANKEY IN A TRUNK THAT IS BY THE COUCH
ALLISON
Thank God he isn't real.
FRASIER
I'd have let you put air holes in the top.
ALLISON
Is that better?
FRASIER
Much.
ALLISON
I'll go and see what I have in the freezer to eat.
ALLISON EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN. FRASIER SITS THERE FOR A MOMENT, TRYING REALLY HARD NOT TO LOOK AT THE TRUNK. IN THE END HE CAVES IN AND STARES AT IT NERVOUSLY. FRASIER SLOWLY GETS OFF THE COUCH AND MOVES TOWARDS THE TRUNK AS IF HE CAN HEAR SOMETHING INSIDE IT. AFTER A MOMENT HE PUTS HIS EAR ON THE TRUNK TO LISTEN
SFX: KNOCK AT THE DOOR
FRASIER IMMEDIATELY JUMPS UP THINKING THAT THE KNOCKING WAS COMING FROM INSIDE THE TRUNK
FRASIER
Oh my God!
ALLISON ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN
ALLISON
Frasier calm down it's the front door.
FRASIER
Of course it is.
ALLISON
What did you think it was?
FRASIER
A woodpecker stuck in the building.
ALLISON OPENS THE DOOR AND A WOMAN ENTERS WITH A HAND FULL OF MAIL
WOMAN
Allison I got your mail again this morning by mistake.
ALLISON
Thanks.
THE WOMAN EXITS AND ALLISON SHUTS THE DOOR AS FRASIER EDGES TOWARDS THE DOOR AWAY FROM THE TRUNK
ALLISON (CONT'D)
What are you doing?
FRASIER
It's getting a bit late I think we should call it a night.
ALLISON
What's the matter?
FRASIER
Nothing.
ALLISON
Would it help if I locked Spankey in the other room?
FRASIER
Would you mind?
ALLISON
A man's fear of an inanimate object? Of course not.
ALLISON SMILES AT FRASIER BEFORE PICKING UP THE TRUNK AND EXITING INTO THE KITCHEN
RESET TO:
INT. ALLISON'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS
ALLISON ENTERS CARRYING THE TRUNK AND PLACES IT ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER BEFORE TURNING BACK TOWARDS THE DOOR
ALLISON (CONT'D)
I know what you're thinking Spankey but I think he's cute.
AS ALLISON EXITS BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO(F)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/2
(Niles, Daphne, Martin, Frasier, Allison)
MARTIN SITS IN HIS DRESSING GOWN IN HIS CHAIR READING THE PAPER AS NILES OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND ENTERS CARRYING AN OVERNIGHT BAG FOLLOWED BY DAPHNE HOBBLING WITH A CANE
NILES
And look who's home.
DAPHNE
Niles I've spent one night in the hospital not six years in the trenches sleeping on my gun and eating mud. Although that would certainly be preferable to that hospital food. That porridge was like puréed dead dog.
NILES HELPS DAPHNE SIT DOWN ON THE COUCH
MARTIN
How are you feeling Daph?
DAPHNE
I'm fine. My foot is still sore but other then that I'm okay.
MARTIN
Well it's certainly good to have you back.
DAPHNE
I'm not making you breakfast so forget it.
MARTIN
That's not what I was thinking.
DAPHNE
Or coffee.
FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM
FRASIER
Daphne welcome home.
DAPHNE
Good morning Dr. Crane.
FRASIER
Can I get you a coffee?
NILES
It's okay I'll get her one.
NILES PRACTICALLY SPRINTS AND EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN
MARTIN
I wish he'd move that fast when I want pork rinds.
DAPHNE
He's feeling guilty and insisting on doing everything for me. I had to fight him to let me clean my own teeth this morning. And before you think about it, you are not to take advantage of him old man.
NILES RE-ENTERS AND SITS ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH
NILES
You don't look entirely comfy there Daphne.
DAPHNE
I'm fine honestly.
NILES
Even so I think you might be more comfortable in bed.
DAPHNE
I think I'd have been more comfortable letting that moth attack you. At least that way the only injuries I'd have would have been from laughing.
NILES HELPS DAPHNE ONTO HER FEET AND TOWARDS HER ROOM
NILES
Will you let me take care of you?
DAPHNE
I'm fine.
MARTIN
You can take care of me.
NILES
I'm not cooking you breakfast.
NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT INTO HER ROOM
SFX: DOORBELL
MARTIN
If it was up to the people who live in this apartment I'd starve to death.
FRASIER MAKES HIS WAY OVER TO THE FRONT DOOR
FRASIER
And you just won't take the hint will you?
FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND ALLISON ENTERS ONCE AGAIN CARRYING SPANKEY BUT THIS TIME IN HIS TRUNK
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Allison! Hello, what are you doing here?
ALLISON
I'm not interrupting anything am I?
FRASIER
Not at all. Come in. I see you've brought Spankey.
ALLISON
Yeah it's just habit now taking him everywhere with me. You should see me when I try to shower at the gym. People give me the strangest looks. Anyone would think I was eating ants.
FRASIER
Allison may I introduce you to my father Martin Crane. Dad this is Allison.
ALLISON PUTS THE TRUNK DOWN BY THE COFFEE TABLE BEFORE WALKING OVER TO MARTIN TO SHAKE HIS HAND
ALLISON
It's a pleasure to meet you.
MARTIN
Yeah you too.
FRASIER
And before you ask, no she isn't going to cook you breakfast.
MARTIN GLARES AT FRASIER BEFORE GETTING UP AND EXITING INTO THE KITCHEN
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Well this is certainly a pleasant surprise.
ALLISON
But I can't stay. I've just popped by on my way to the airport. My sister has been taken sick.
FRASIER
I hope it isn't serious.
ALLISON
No she'll be fine. It just involved nudity and a horse. Nothing life threatening just reputation threatening like the time she got her tongue stuck to an ice sculpture of the David but I still want to go and see her, so I thought I'd better tell you before I left. I wouldn't want you to think that I was abandoning you after one date.
FRASIER
When will you be back?
ALLISON
On Friday. Maybe we could meet for dinner when I get back?
FRASIER
I'd love to.
MARTIN RE-ENTERS WITH THE COFFEE TRAY
ALLISON
I'll call you when I get back. Bye. Goodbye Mr. Crane.
MARTIN
Bye.
FRASIER
Goodbye, have a safe journey.
ALLISON EXITS AND FRASIER SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND HER
MARTIN
Where's she going?
FRASIER
To see her sister.
MARTIN
(RE: TRUNK) What's that?
FRASIER
Oh my God, she left Spankey.
FRASIER QUICKLY PICKS UP THE TRUNK AND OPENS THE FRONT DOOR TRYING TO CATCH ALLISON BUT IT'S TOO LATE SHE'S ALREADY IN THE ELEVATOR. FRASIER CLOSES THE DOOR AGAIN BEFORE LOOKING DOWN AT THE TRUNK
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Then you'll have to stay here.
FRASIER HEADS TOWARDS HIS BEDROOM
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Oh stop staring at me. I know you're doing it.
AS FRASIER EXITS AS MARTIN SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS AT HIM WE:
FADE OUT
(G)
TITLE CARD: "YOU WERE ALWAYS ON MY MIND?"
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S BEDROOM — NIGHT — DAY/2
(Frasier, Niles, Eddie)
FRASIER IS LYING IN BED ON HIS SIDE WITH HIS EYES OPEN. SPANKEY IS SITTING ON THE DRESSER ON THE RIGHT HAND SIDE OF THE ROOM POSITIONED SO THAT HE LOOKS AS IF HE IS STARING AT FRASIER.
FRASIER
I know you're looking at me but it doesn't bother me. I couldn't care less if you stare at me all night.
FRASIER CONTINUES TO LIE WITH HIS BACK TO SPANKEY ALTHOUGH HIS EYES KEEP MOVING UP DESPERATE TO SEE IF THE PUPPET IS STARING AT HIM. FRASIER THEN LETS OUT A HUGE SIGH AND PULLS HIS SHEET OVER HIS HEAD. HE STAYS LIKE THAT FOR A MOMENT BEFORE PULLING IT BACK OFF HIS HEAD AND GETTING OUT OF BED AND WALKING OVER TO SPANKEY. FRASIER PUTS HIS HANDS OVER SPANKEY'S EYES AND PULLS HIS EYELIDS DOWN. SATISFIED FRASIER GETS BACK INTO BED AND LIES DOWN FACING AWAY FROM SPANKEY AGAIN BEFORE CLOSING HIS EYES. STILL WITH HIS EYES CLOSED FRASIER ROLLS OVER TO FACE SPANKEY TRYING TO GET COMFORTABLE BEFORE OPENING HIS EYES AGAIN TO LOOK ONE MORE TIME AT SPANKEY. FRASIER GASPS AS HE SEES THAT SPANKEY'S EYES ARE OPEN AGAIN. FRASIER JUMPS OUT OF BED AND PICKS UP SPANKEY AND TURNS HIM UPSIDE DOWN. HE LOOKS UNDERNEATH HIM AND ON HIS BACK FOR SOME SORT OF BATTERY PANEL.
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Fine, then it's a night in the box for you.
FRASIER OPENS SPANKEY'S TRUNK BY THE END OF HIS BED AND PUTS HIM INSIDE. ONCE AGAIN SATISFIED FRASIER GETS BACK INTO BED AND CLOSES HIS EYES. HE LIES LIKE THAT FOR A MOMENT BEFORE SUDDENLY BOLTING UPRIGHT IN HIS BED. HE GETS BACK OUT AND PUTS HIS DRESSING GOWN ON BEFORE PICKING UP SPANKEY'S TRUNK AND EXITS OUT THROUGH HIS BEDROOM DOOR.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER ENTERS INTO THE LIVING ROOM STILL CARRYING THE TRUNK AND LEANS IT UP AGAINST THE ISLAND. HE THEN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER ENTERS THE KITCHEN, GETS A GLASS FROM THE CUPBOARD BEFORE FILLING IT FULL OF WATER AND THEN EXITING BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER ENTERS DRINKING FROM HIS WATER AND STOPS BY THE DOOR LOOKING AT THE TRUNK. HE THEN GOES TO WALK STRAIGHT PAST IT ON HIS WAY BACK TO HIS ROOM BEFORE HE STOPS BY THE COAT PEG AND TURNS BACK AROUND. HE PUTS HIS GLASS ON THE ISLAND BEFORE PICKING THE TRUNK BACK UP AND PUSHING IT INTO THE KITCHEN. ONCE AGAIN FEELING SATISFIED WITH HIMSELF FRASIER EXITS BACK TOWARDS HIS ROOM LEAVING HIS GLASS ON THE ISLAND. AS FRASIER DISAPPEARS DOWN THE CORRIDOR NILES ENTERS FROM DAPHNE'S ROOM WEARING HIS DRESSING GOWN. HE RATHER GROGGILY RUBS HIS EYES AND MAKES HIS WAY TO THE KITCHEN AND EXITS.
NILES
(OFF STAGE) Ouch!
NILES ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN CARRYING SPANKEY'S TRUNK AND RUBBING HIS SHIN. HE CARRIES THE TRUNK TO THE COFFEE TABLE, PUTS IT DOWN AND THEN OPENS IT. HE STARES IN THE TRUNK FOR A MOMENT, PROBABLY NOT REALLY BELIEVING WHAT IS IN THERE BECAUSE HE'S TIRED BEFORE PICKING SPANKEY UP.
NILES (CONT'D)
What's Frasier doing with a puppet?
NILES WALKS TO THE ISLAND AND PLACES SPANKEY ON IT, MAKING HIM SIT UP LEANING ON THE POLE. NILES THEN SMILES TO HIMSELF BEFORE EXITING INTO THE KITCHEN AND EMERGING MOMENTS LATER WITH A GLASS OF WATER. HE THEN EXITS BACK TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM. AFTER A BRIEF MOMENT FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM LOOKING FOR HIS WATER WHEN HE SEES SPANKEY SITTING THERE ONCE AGAIN STARING IN HIS GENERAL DIRECTION AND SHOUTS
FRASIER
Oh my God!
FRASIER THEN RATHER FRANTICALLY GRABS SPANKEY PUTS HIM BACK IN HIS TRUNK LOCKING THE CATCHES ALONG THE EDGE THIS TIME BEFORE OPENING THE BALCONY DOOR AND PUSHES THE TRUNK OUT THERE. FRASIER THEN GOES TO THE DESK BY THE KITCHEN, GETS A SET OF KEYS OUT AND THEN LOCKS THE BALCONY DOOR AND EDDIE ENTERS AND JUMPS ON THE COUCH
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Now try and stare at me.
FRASIER TURNS AROUND AND EDDIE IS SITTING ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH STARING AT HIM. FRASIER GLARES AT HIM
FRASIER (CONT'D)
I wasn't talking to you.
AS FRASIER PICKS UP HIS GLASS AND EXITS BACK TOWARDS HIS ROOM WE:
FADE OUT
(H)
TITLE CARD: "LADY IN BED"
FADE IN:
INT. DAPHNE'S ROOM — AFTERNOON — DAY/3
(Daphne, Roz, Niles, Frasier, Martin, Eddie)
DAPHNE LIES IN BED READING A MAGAZINE. THE ROOM IS FULL OF BALLOONS, CARDS AND A GET WELL SOON BANNER
SFX: KNOCK ON THE DOOR
DAPHNE
Who is it?
ROZ
(OFF STAGE) It's Roz. Is now not a good time? Niles isn't in there is he? Oh my God what are you two doing?
DAPHNE
No come in.
ROZ ENTERS AND SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND HER
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Lock the door.
ROZ LOCKS THE DOOR
ROZ
What's the matter?
DAPHNE
I'm trying to keep Niles out and so far threats to install an electric fence outside my door have fallen on deaf ears.
ROZ
Why? Trying to have his wicked way while you can't run away? That seems to be Frasier's idea of a perfect date.
DAPHNE
Oh I wish, I wouldn't be complaining about that. He's just smothering me.
ROZ
He's trying to kill you? After you defended him against a moth?
DAPHNE
He won't leave me alone. Yes I understand that he's feeling guilty even though I've told him that there is no need to but it's getting ridiculous. Everywhere I turn, there he is. It's like he's stalking me.
ROZ
Isn't that going to be pretty much what it's like when you're married?
DAPHNE
Well yes but I currently don't have an escape. I love him to bits but if he won't let me put my own jumper on soon I may make him swallow it.
ROZ
Why what's he doing?
DAPHNE
I don't think he's sleeping. I keep waking up and he's sitting over there staring at me in case I want anything. Yesterday he tried to feed me some soup and this morning he was trying to comb my hair.
ROZ
Can't you escape down to Nervosa for a couple of hours? Your foot isn't that bad is it?
DAPHNE
I wouldn't be able to drive but I'd get down there some how.
ROZ
Then why don't you?
DAPHNE
I can't get out of the room.
ROZ
He hasn't strapped you to the bed has he?
DAPHNE
I'm being guarded.
ROZ
By who?
DAPHNE
Take a look out the door.
ROZ OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL EDDIE SITTING OPPOSITE IT. HE STARTS TO BARK VERY LOUDLY
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
I'm not going anywhere! Bad dog! I'll let you drink out of my toilet if you just shut up!
NILES ENTERS RUNNING
NILES
What's going on? What do you need?
DAPHNE
A deer rifle and a body bag.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
MARTIN IS AS USUAL SITTING IN HIS CHAIR WATCHING THE TELEVISION AS FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM AND SITS ON THE COUCH
FRASIER
Dad can I talk to you about something.
MARTIN
Sure.
FRASIER
It's about Spankey.
MARTIN
Hold on right there, I don't want to know what Spankey is. Let's just forget this ever happened.
FRASIER
It's the puppet.
MARTIN
I told you I didn't want to hear!
FRASIER
(POINTING TO THE TRUNK) That puppet.
MARTIN
Oh right. What's wrong with it?
ROZ ENTERS FROM DAPHNE'S ROOM AND SITS AT THE TABLE
ROZ
Niles is seriously starting to obsess over Daphne.
FRASIER
I'll tell you later.
ROZ
Tell him what later?
MARTIN
Something about a puppet.
FRASIER
Do you really think that if I wanted Roz to hear I would have said I'd tell you later?
ROZ
What's wrong with the puppet?
FRASIER
Oh all right fine, I'm thinking of breaking up with Allison over it.
MARTIN
Why? You've done nothing but talk about how much you like her since you met her. After one date you've had that spring in your step again like Eddie before we had him fixed.
FRASIER
I have a problem with her puppet.
ROZ
What sort of problem? It hasn't started to hit on you has it?
FRASIER
He just freaks me out, all he does is stare at me.
MARTIN
It's a puppet.
FRASIER
It's scary!
ROZ
It's a puppet!
FRASIER
An obviously possessed puppet.
MARTIN
Are you seriously going to break up with her over this?
FRASIER
It's frightening.
ROZ
So are you.
AS MARTIN AND ROZ BOTH ROLL THEIR EYES AT FRASIER WE:
FADE OUT
(I)
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/4
(Allison, Frasier, Waiter)
FRASIER SITS IN NERVOSA WITH THE TRUNK CONTAINING SPANKEY NEXT TO THE TABLE ON THE FLOOR AS ALLISON ENTERS
ALLISON
Hi Frasier.
FRASIER
Hi. How is your sister?
ALLISON
She's fine; I can't say the same for the horse. He'll never build himself up to a gallop again.
FRASIER
Well that's traumatising to hear.
A WAITER APPROACHES THEIR TABLE
FRASIER (CONT'D)
I've brought you Spankey.
WAITER
I'll come back in a moment.
THE WAITER MOVES AWAY
ALLISON
Did you take good care of him?
FRASIER
Of course I did, we got on like a house on fire.
ALLISON
You didn't lock him in his trunk at all did you?
FRASIER
Of course not. I couldn't do that to him. We really bonded.
ALLISON
So what have you been up to this last week?
FRASIER
Allison I have to be honest about this. I'm not someone to hide my feelings. I don't think this is going to work.
ALLISON
We've been out once. Was it really that hideous?
FRASIER
No I had a lovely time.
ALLISON
It was the dead body story wasn't it? I told you it would freak you out, it always does.
THE WAITER WALKS BACK OVER TO THEIR TABLE
FRASIER
Okay I'll be honest it's Spankey.
WAITER
And I see you're still not ready.
THE WAITER WALKS AWAY AGAIN
ALLISON
Spankey? What's wrong with Spankey? He's my livelihood; it's what I do.
FRASIER
I have a problem with the way he looks at me.
ALLISON
He's a puppet.
FRASIER
I'm sorry but he freaks me out. No matter where I go he's staring at me.
ALLISON
Spankey freaks you out.
FRASIER
He's scary.
ALLISON
Once again I feel compelled to say he's a puppet.
FRASIER
I know it's stupid but I can't help it. I don't feel comfortable.
ALLISON
Are you asking me to choose between you and Spankey?
FRASIER
I don't want it to end and you can't give up your job.
ALLISON
Then you know what you have to do.
FRASIER
I don't think there's any sort of shot I can get.
ALLISON
I have an idea.
AS ALLISON BEGINS TO EXPLAIN TO FRASIER WE:
FADE OUT
(J)
FADE IN:
INT. DAPHNE'S BEDROOM — EVENING — DAY/4
(Niles, Daphne, Martin, Frasier)
DAPHNE LIES IN BED READING A MAGAZINE TRYING NOT TO NOTICE NILES WHO IS PERCHED ON A CHAIR NEXT TO THE BED WATCHING HER EVERY MOVE
NILES
Can I get you anything?
DAPHNE
No I'm fine thank you.
A BEAT
NILES
How about now?
DAPHNE
I'm still fine.
NILES
Are you sure?
DAPHNE
That I really want to strangle you, yes I am sure. Come here and put your neck in my hands.
NILES
Am I bothering you?
DAPHNE
It's so hard to tell.
NILES
Let me fluff your pillows.
DAPHNE
They're fine.
DAPHNE GOES TO PUT THE MAGAZINE ON HER BEDSIDE TABLE AS NILES IMMEDIATELY JUMPS UP TO HELP
NILES
Oh let me put that down for you.
DAPHNE
Niles we need to talk.
NILES
This doesn't sound good.
DAPHNE
I don't want you to take this the wrong way honey but sod off before I pull your leg off and attempt to beat you to death with it.
NILES
I don't think that there's a right way to take that.
DAPHNE
Niles I love you but you're suffocated me.
NILES
Did I attack you with my pillow again?
DAPHNE
I know you're feeling guilty about what happened but you really can't do everything for me otherwise I'm going to go insane. And if I go I'm taking you with me.
NILES
This is the only way I can protect you. I can't even defend you against a tiny moth.
DAPHNE
To be fair neither can I without hurting myself. And what are you talking about you take care of me all the time.
NILES
Throwing out a bad wine before you've had chance to taste it and destroy your palate before your meal is not really defending you.
DAPHNE
Niles you always make sure that I'm okay, you never accept anything other then the best for me, and more importantly you're always there for me when I need you. But you really need to let me go to the bathroom on my own.
NILES
Put a spider in there and that's not a problem.
DAPHNE KISSES HIM
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
MARTIN IS EATING AT THE DINNING ROOM TABLE AS FRASIER ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR CARRYING A TRUNK
MARTIN
Did you break it off with Allison?
FRASIER
Not really.
MARTIN
You're going to see her again?
FRASIER
That all depends.
MARTIN
On what?
FRASIER
On how well I bond.
MARTIN
With what?
FRASIER
Spankey. Oh stop staring at me.
AS FRASIER EXITS TOWARDS HIS ROOM WITH THE TRUNK WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWOCLOSING CREDITS: FRASIER PLACES SPANKEY ON A SHELF IN HIS ROOM FACING HIS BED. HE STARES AT HIM FOR A MOMENT STILL UNCOMFORTABLE ABOUT THE WAY HE LOOKS AT HIM BEFORE EXITING INTO THE BATHROOM. EDDIE THEN ENTERS AND JUMPS UP TO SIT NEXT TO SPANKEY. WHEN FRASIER ENTERS BACK INTO HIS BEDROOM HE'S FACED WITH FOUR EYES STARING DIRECTLY AT HIM. FRASIER THEN RUNS TOWARDS EDDIE WHICH CAUSES HIM TO JUMP DOWN AND EXIT FROM HIS ROOM
