I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.

This one was done in the spirit of one of my favourite episodes 'The Dinner Party', one of my favourites not just because you can yell "suspenders!" all the way through the episode.

Gillian I wrote this before you told me about the pigeons.

This will be the last time I post for a few weeks because I'm going on holiday so a mailbox full of feedback when I get back would be nice, but maybe that's asking too much, let's just aim for a single piece of feedback this week. Please send all comments, coupons for ferrets and orange peel to kelly_simba@hotmail.com

Enjoy...


Frasier
Alternative Season Nine Episode Seventeen
Another Steakout

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

TITLE CARD: "THEY'RE OBVIOUSLY FROM OUTER SPACE"

FADE IN:

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS ELEVATOR — AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Daphne, Martin, Officer Elliot, Officer Ripley, Roz, Frasier, Niles, Eddie)

DAPHNE STANDS IN THE ELEVATOR GOING UP HOLDING A PIE IN ONE HAND AND EDDIE'S LEASH IN THE OTHER. EDDIE SITS AT HER FEET STARRING AT THE PIE INTENSELY

DAPHNE

You can look at this pie all you like but you're not having any. You stand more chance of having children and after that little trip to the vets and a quick snip snip action that doesn't seem like a possibility any more. Although you still seem to do pretty well with one or two of Dr. Crane's sweaters. It's not likely not even if we attempted to staple them back on although why on earth Mr. Crane would keep such a thing under the sink so that we'd actually be able to do that I'm not even going to question. It must be an elderly thing. I never found out why old Mrs. Hamshum used to keep tadpoles in an ice cube tray. I'm just glad she never noticed when I gave them to her by mistake. I just hope Dr. Crane never finds them and mistakes them for something else. Tiny meatballs maybe.

EDDIE STARTS TO CRY AFTER THE PIE

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Do I cry after your dog food? Do I try to steal some from under your nose? Okay maybe that's a bad example, cow entrails have never been exactly appealing to me.

EDDIE STARTS TO BARK AT DAPHNE

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

No! Now stop whining. You're not having any.

THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN AND DAPHNE AND EDDIE EXIT

RESET TO:

INT. 19TH FLOOR CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE AND EDDIE STEP OUT OF THE ELEVATOR. AS DAPHNE GOES TO GET HER KEYS OUT OF HER BAG SHE LOOSES HER GRIP ON THE PIE AND IT FALLS TO THE FLOOR

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Oops.

EDDIE IMMEDIATELY POUNCES ON THE PIE AND TRIES TO EAT AS MUCH AS HE CAN

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Get away! Get away!

DAPHNE SHOOS EDDIE AWAY AND PICKS UP THE PIE. ALL OF THE TOP IS BROKEN AND A LARGE PIECE OF CRUST IS MISSING

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Well you're not having any more then that. Do you think they'll notice? Oh what the hell I'll cover it up with ice cream.

DAPHNE OPENS UP THE FRONT DOOR AND EXITS INSIDE ALONG WITH EDDIE

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

THERE ARE TWO POLICE OFFICERS, OFFICER ELLIOT, A MAN IN HIS LATE TWENTIES, AND OFFICER RIPLEY, A WOMAN IN HER EARLY FORTIES, SITTING BY THE WINDOW WITH SEVERAL CAMERAS AND A COUPLE OF SETS OF BINOCULARS AS WELL AS MARTIN'S TELESCOPE. MARTIN STANDS BEHIND THEM AS DAPHNE AND EDDIE ENTER. DAPHNE TAKES EDDIE'S LEASH OFF AS MARTIN APPROACHES HER

MARTIN

Hi Daph.

DAPHNE

(EXTREMELY DEFENSIVELY AND WITHOUT TAKING A SINGLE BREATH) Nothing happened. He's licking his lips because he ate a bug in the elevator that's all. I don't know what kind of bug it was. Fine it was fat and stripey and rubbed it's back legs together. I didn't conduct an interview with it before he ate it. He never touched the pie. There's nothing wrong with it. I said there was nothing wrong. My God what is this twenty questions?

DAPHNE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

MARTIN

Her coffee was a little strong this morning.

OFFICER ELLIOT

I figured.

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN LOOKING RATHER CONFUSED AFTER HAVING JUST REGISTERED THAT THE POLICE ARE THERE

DAPHNE

Mr. Crane can I have a word with you in the kitchen please.

MARTIN

Sure. I'll be right back.

DAPHNE AND MARTIN EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE AND MARTIN ENTER INTO THE KITCHEN. DAPHNE LOOKS OUT THE DOOR TO CHECK IF THE POLICE ARE LISTENING

MARTIN (CONT'D)

What's up?

DAPHNE

Do you know there are two Police officers in the living room pressed up against the window? They look like Wyle E. Coyote after he's run into a mountain chasing after the Roadrunner.

MARTIN

Gee really? Where? I must have missed them.

DAPHNE

Oh all right old man so you do know. What are they doing here?

MARTIN

Baking bread what do you think? They're on a stakeout.

DAPHNE

In our living room?

MARTIN

They're watching a guy in the building opposite.

DAPHNE

Does Dr. Crane know about this?

MARTIN

Not yet. But what's he going to say? No?

DAPHNE

Who are they watching?

MARTIN

Some serial thief. The Critter thief off the news, you know the guy who leaves a dead racoon as his calling card at all the places he's robbed. Come and look.

MARTIN AND DAPHNE EXIT BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN AND DAPHNE ENTER AND WALK OVER TO THE WINDOW. OFFICER ELLIOT MOVES OFF HIS SEAT TO LET DAPHNE LOOK THROUGH THE TELESCOPE

MARTIN (CONT'D)

Can you see him?

DAPHNE

I can see a pigeon.

OFFICER RIPLEY

Unless it's a man in a pigeon suit no. To the right of the pigeons. It's the guy who looks like old, bloated Elvis if he'd been hit in the face with a frying pan a few times and given a really bad perm. And I mean really bad. The kind you'd sue over.

DAPHNE

Dear God look at that!

MARTIN

Yeah we know he's practically bursting out of his jump suit. He did try to staple it shut but it burst right open again.

DAPHNE

No I mean there's a man cleaning a hatchet in the next window along from the pigeon that's gnawing his own leg. (COMPLETELY LOOSING SIGHT OF THE POINT) What's he doing that for? If he gnaws that one off he'll fall over.

DAPHNE MOVES OUT OF THE WAY AND LETS OFFICER ELLIOT LOOK BACK THROUGH THE TELESCOPE

OFFICER ELLIOT

Where? That's a spatula not a hatchet.

DAPHNE

Oh well it's an easy mistake to make.

SFX: DOORBELL

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

I'll get it.

DAPHNE CROSSES TO THE FRONT DOOR AND OPENS IT AS ROZ ENTERS

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Hello Roz.

ROZ

Hi Daph...(NOTICING THE POLICE) can I speak to you in the kitchen right now.

ROZ GRABS DAPHNE BY THE ARM AND LEADS HER RATHER HURRIEDLY INTO THE KITCHEN

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

ROZ AND DAPHNE ENTER INTO THE KITCHEN

ROZ (CONT'D)

Who is that Cop and what is he doing in your living room?

DAPHNE

I'm not sure what his name is. They're here on a stakeout.

ROZ

He can stakeout me anytime. (DISGUSTED) What's that smell?

DAPHNE

I'm cooking a roast for Easter. I just fancied having a traditional Easter Sunday dinner like I used to as a child. Only this one won't end with bloodshed, a four-alarm fire and my brother's so drunk they mistake one of the kitchen cupboards as the toilet. I'll never eat fruitcake again. There's plenty if you'd like to join us.

ROZ

I don't know I should really...

DAPHNE

The Police are probably going to be here all day. Again like an Easter Sunday back home.

ROZ

Give me a place closest to the window I'm going to do my hair.

ROZ AND DAPHNE EXIT BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ROZ AND DAPHNE ENTER INTO THE LIVING ROOM. ROZ IMMEDIATELY RUNS AND EXITS TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM AS DAPHNE MAKES HER WAY BACK OVER TO THE WINDOW

DAPHNE

Has there been any action yet?

OFFICER RIPLEY

Other then he took a shower without closing the door which wasn't a pretty sight and shaving his chest with what looked like the blade from a pencil sharpener, no. How has this guy never been committed?

OFFICER ELLIOT

The pigeons have been more interesting so far.

DAPHNE

I don't trust pigeons.

MARTIN

Have you lent them money in the past?

DAPHNE

No I mean they're genetically engineered by the government.

MARTIN

What?

DAPHNE

Have you ever seen a baby pigeon? I don't think so. They can't all be born that size, so therefore the government has genetically engineered them all. For what purpose I haven't yet discovered. I suspect it's some way to monitor everyone instead of having us all electronically tagged. And don't even get me started on where cows come from. I have an udder theory all of my own.

DAPHNE EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN

MARTIN

Trust me she's harmless. And if I'm wrong I have a cane to protect myself.

RESET TO:

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS ELEVATOR — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER AND NILES STAND IN THE ELEVATOR GOING UP EACH HOLDING A SMALL WINE BAG

NILES

I think you should at least have owned up.

FRASIER

You did it as well.

NILES

I'd already bought a bottle and exited the store before I realised their pricing error.

FRASIER

I didn't know either.

NILES

I was giving you signals through the glass. Why else would I go like this in a public place?

NILES GESTURES QUITE WILDLY

NILES (CONT'D)

I wasn't trying to back an aeroplane in.

FRASIER

Those were signals? It looked as if you were having an epileptic fit. The store clerk nearly phoned for an ambulance before I assured them you just needed to take your medication and remove the ferret from your trousers.

NILES

My phone was vibrating in my trouser pocket. You try not dancing around when that happens. This obviously shows what I meant.

NILES GESTURES AGAIN

FRASIER

It looks as if you're trying to fly.

NILES

All right then Mr. king of charades, how would you have done it?

FRASIER ALSO STARTS TO GESTURE QUITE WILDLY

NILES (CONT'D)

You look like you want to grope me. Stand over that side of the elevator please and put your hands in your pockets.

FRASIER STARTS TO GESTURE AGAIN

FRASIER

This is a bottle of wine and this is the sign for a price mistake, oh never mind its their mistake not ours. But to be on the safe side we'd best stay away from the wine shop for the next few weeks.

THE ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS AND FRASIER AND NILES EXIT

RESET TO:

INT. 19TH FLOOR CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER AND NILES ENTER INTO THE CORRIDOR BEFORE FRASIER TAKES OUT HIS KEYS, OPENS THE DOOR AND THEY BOTH EXIT INSIDE

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

EVERYONE IS AS BEFORE AS FRASIER AND NILES ENTER. THEY LOOK AT THE POLICE WILL GUILT

NILES

Fine I'll just return the wine there's no need to arrest us.

FRASIER

What's going on? When I threw that bucket of water over the balcony onto the construction workers I had no idea it was hot water.

MARTIN

Frasier...

FRASIER

Oh all right boiling. But how was I to know there would be boiling water in the teakettle? And they were the people in the wrong I was just trying to get some sleep.

MARTIN

They're here on a stakeout. You know the Critter jewel thief that's been on the news. He's moved into that building over there.

ONCE AGAIN OFFICER ELLIOT MOVES OUT OF THE WAY SO THAT FRASIER CAN SEE THROUGH THE TELESCOPE

FRASIER

I see. Although I certainly didn't need to see that. Isn't there anyway you could get him to fasten up his jump suit?

FRASIER MOVES AWAY FROM THE TELESCOPE AND HANGS UP HIS COAT

FRASIER (CONT'D)

So how long are you going to be here?

OFFICER ELLIOT

It could be hours. It could be days. We know he's going to pack up and move at some point. He's put a couple of fresh racoons by the front door. Although he did take them out of the freezer, he might just be thawing him out. Either way if he invites you to a dinner party you might be advised to turn the invitation down.

MARTIN

The guys at the station okayed it with me before they came down here.

NILES

You know what I said earlier about the wine was just a joke.

OFFICER RIPLEY

Okay. I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

MARTIN

Trust me, none of us ever know.

FRASIER

Since you seem to be our guests can I ask what your names are?

MARTIN

This is Officer Elliot and Officer Ripley.

NILES STARTS TO SMELL THE AIR WITH DISTASTE

NILES

What is that smell?

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN

DAPHNE

It's my roast.

NILES

(OBVIOUSLY LYING) It's heavenly.

NILES AND DAPHNE KISS

DAPHNE

Did you pick up some wine for dinner?

FRASIER HANDS DAPHNE THE SMALL BAG. FRASIER, NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER, NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER INTO THE KITCHEN. DAPHNE QUICKLY HIDES THE PIE IN THE REFRIGERATOR

FRASIER

We did. You know Daphne you didn't need to go to all this trouble. We could have just made a sandwich or gone out to dinner.

DAPHNE

But it's Easter Sunday and we're going to celebrate it in the right way.

NILES

By having Police sitting in the living room?

NILES GOES TO STEAL A PIECE OF MARZIPAN OFF THE TOP OF A CAKE ON THE COUNTER. DAPHNE SLAPS HIS HAND BEFORE HE CAN

DAPHNE

Get your hand off that! That's my Seminole cake. Each ball represents a different disciple. Except for Judas and then it's chef's privilege to eat him.

FRASIER OPENS UP THE OVEN AND STARES WORRIEDLY INSIDE

FRASIER

Does this look a little dry to you Daphne?

DAPHNE

It's fine. Who likes really moist beef anyway?

FRASIER

When I actually say dry I really mean burned. There appears to be a tiny flame developing on the right hand side.

DAPHNE

That's just the glaze I've put on it.

DAPHNE EXITS INTO THE LIVING ROOM AS ROZ ENTERS IN ONE OF DAPHNE'S LOW CUT DRESSES WITH HER HAIR DONE AS NICE AS SHE COULD IN THE TIME

FRASIER

Roz. What are you doing here all dressed up?

OFFICER ELLIOT ENTERS AND LOOKS STRAIGHT AT ROZ

OFFICER ELLIOT

Can I get a glass of water please?

ROZ

Sure, I'll bring it out to you.

OFFICER ELLIOT

Thanks you're an angel.

OFFICER ELLIOT EXITS BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM

FRASIER

Ah I see.

NILES

She could smell fresh meat and came to devourer. Did Daphne tell you he was here or did you just pick up the scent?

FRASIER

You do know he's working Roz.

ROZ

He can't flirt and look at a guy at the same time?

NILES

Well some men can but then they're not the kind to ask you out to dinner Roz. They're more likely to give you beauty tips.

ROZ

Look at him he's so pretty. How can I let him know that I'm interested in him without coming on to him like a total slut? Did you just laugh?

NILES

No I'm too scared to.

FRASIER

Oh I think that boat's already sailed Roz. You've got a dress on that looks more like a belt and you've got your breasts tapped to your chin. All that's left is for you to slingshot your underwear at him.

ROZ

Do you think that would really work?

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

THE TWO POLICE OFFICERS AND MARTIN ARE AS BEFORE WITH DAPHNE SETTING THE TABLE AS FRASIER AND NILES ENTER

OFFICER RIPLEY

So what made you retire Marty?

MARTIN

I was shot in the hip breaking up a robbery.

OFFICER ELLIOT

Oh that's right. I've heard the older guys talk about you down at the station.

OFFICER RIPLEY

Martin Crane? Hey I just thought of something. That makes you Frasier Crane right?

FRASIER

Yes I am.

OFFICER RIPLEY

You know Allison Richards right?

FRASIER

Yes that's right. We've been kind of dating.

OFFICER RIPLEY

She's a friend of mine, I've heard all about you.

FRASIER

Only good things I hope.

OFFICER RIPLEY

Is it true that you were scared of her puppet?

AS FRASIER SIGHS ROZ STICKS HER HEAD OUT FROM THE KITCHEN

ROZ

Daphne come here.

ROZ DISAPPEARS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN AS DAPHNE FOLLOWS HER

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

ROZ IS LOOKING THROUGH TO THE LIVING ROOM AS DAPHNE ENTERS

DAPHNE

What are you doing hiding in the kitchen?

ROZ

Go and see if he's single for me.

DAPHNE

How exactly do I find that out? Will it be written on his collar or do I just use my psychic ability? Which you know I would do but it doesn't work that way.

ROZ

Just go and ask.

DAPHNE

Then he'll think I'm coming on to him.

ROZ

Then flash your ring at him at the same time.

DAPHNE

I most certainly will not I am...oh you mean my engagement ring. Okay. That might work.

ROZ

Then ask him if he likes me.

DAPHNE

And if he'll meet you after gym class for a smoke behind the bike shed?

ROZ

I'm not after that kind of workout.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

EVERYONE IS AS BEFORE AS DAPHNE ENTERS AND STANDS BY THE WINDOW

FRASIER

To be fair it has the most evil eyes I have ever seen that have the knack of following you around the room.

NILES

You mean they jump out of his head and walk around behind you?

FRASIER

You cannot mock me, the grown man who is afraid of mimes.

NILES

I am not frightened of them they just disturb me like all circus folk do. When they paint their faces white and pretend to cry a lot they remind me of Maris. If that's not bad enough one of my worst fears is being buried alive and these rather bizarre individuals wonder around the streets pretending to be trapped in invisible boxes.

MARTIN

Can you do me a favour and not mention any of what you hear here down at the station?

OFFICER ELLIOT

Sure Marty.

DAPHNE

So Officer Elliot have you always wanted to be a Policeman?

OFFICER ELLIOT

Ever since I can remember. As a kid I used to handcuff my Grandmother's leg to the cat while she was sleeping. The whole prank back fired when she woke up, tripped over the cat and landed on it. My Grandmother had a rather large behind. It took us forever to pry the cat off her so we could bury it.

DAPHNE

(ALARMED) That's certainly an interesting story. I suppose to be a Policeman that's means you have to stay awfully trim? Do you work out at all?

OFFICER ELLIOT

Whenever I can.

DAPHNE

I bet your girlfriend must appreciate that then.

OFFICER ELLIOT

Actually I'm single.

DAPHNE

Really? Well if you'll excuse me I must go and check that I haven't burnt me buns.

DAPHNE EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN AS NILES STARES AFTER HER A LITTLE SHOCKED

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

ROZ WAITS IMPATIENTLY BY THE DOOR AS DAPHNE ENTERS

ROZ

Well? Please don't tell me he's gay. That'll just be my luck. I've converted men before but I don't have the time or a bottle of vodka and some strong smelling salts.

DAPHNE

He's single. Go and mark your territory now. Not literary though I don't think Dr. Crane would approve and I can't imagine it would be a big turn on for your Copper.

ROZ EXITS AS NILES ENTERS

NILES

Daphne, what was that?

DAPHNE

What was what?

NILES

You were flirting with him.

DAPHNE

Only on Roz's behalf.

NILES

She can't do her own flirting? That's a first.

DAPHNE

She wants me to find out if he's single before she pounces on him like a lion on a zebra carcass.

NILES

Ah good. I can stop having that haemorrhage now. Although I doubt my vision will come back.

DAPHNE

Trust me men in uniforms have never really been my cup of tea.

DAPHNE WRAPS HER ARMS AROUND HIM

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Psychiatrists in suits however is a completely different story. Although I bet you'd look dead sexy in a Police uniform.

NILES

Do you think so?

DAPHNE

Oh yeah. I'd love to see you in a hat, with your handcuffs, and a truncheon. You could interrogate me under lights anytime. Although I'd have to object to being strip-searched in the kitchen. I don't think your brother would like it.

THEY KISS

NILES

I used to have a little sailor's outfit when I was about five or six years old.

DAPHNE

Really?

NILES

But it was mainly white so I could never wear it after Labour Day. I've always thought I'd make a pretty good fireman.

ROZ ENTERS AND STARES AT NILES

ROZ

Did you say fireman or firefly?

DAPHNE

What are you doing back in here?

ROZ

Frasier's talking to that other one so he's got his eyes fixed firmly out the window. What kind of man puts work before immediate physical pleasure?

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

EVERYONE IS SITTING AS BEFORE

MARTIN

What's he doing now?

OFFICER ELLIOT STARTS TO LOOK QUITE INTENSELY THROUGH THE TELESCOPE

OFFICER ELLIOT

You don't want to know it's too disgusting.

OFFICER RIPLEY

The racoon's again?

OFFICER ELLIOT

No he's naked again. He's either sat in cream cheese or even worse that's actually his ass.

FRASIER

How has this man committed so many crimes if he's so blatantly identifiable?

OFFICER ELLIOT

People tend to forget about tripping the silent alarm when he's flinging pieces of road kill at them with a slingshot.

DAPHNE, NILES AND ROZ ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN

DAPHNE

I think dinner is nearly done gents. We've got plenty if you'd like any?

OFFICER RIPLEY

Erm...no thanks...I err...am vegetarian.

OFFICER ELLIOT

I'm allergic to meat. Even when it's still on the animal. My head used to swell up like a watermelon if I even went into a field with a cow back home in Wisconsin.

OFFICER RIPLEY

No it doesn't.

OFFICER ELLIOT

Shut up!

ROZ

You're from Wisconsin? I'm from Wisconsin.

OFFICER ELLIOT

All the best ones are.

DAPHNE

Okay but its here if you change your minds.

DAPHNE EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN

MARTIN

Are we really going to eat that?

NILES

Yes, she's worked really hard.

MARTIN

Have you seen those potatoes? I never knew it was possible to make it look like gravel.

FRASIER

Dad, be nice.

NILES

Thank you Frasier.

NILES EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

MARTIN

You're not serious?

FRASIER

Are you kidding? I'd rather eat his racoon.

OFFICER RIPLEY

Allison said you were fussy about your food.

FRASIER

Well you turned it down as well.

OFFICER RIPLEY

But I truly am a vegetarian.

OFFICER ELLIOT

Then what was that beef jerky you were eating in the car this morning?

OFFICER RIPLEY

It was vegetarian Mr. allergic to cows.

FRASIER

But more alarmingly, she actually said I was fussy about food?

OFFICER RIPLEY

You frown a lot at what you eat, like it can see you and you want to show it your disgust.

FRASIER

I don't do that.

ROZ

You glare at it like it's some evil force from an enchanted wood.

FRASIER

I do not.

MARTIN

Especially when someone else has cooked it for him at home.

OFFICER RIPLEY

That's what Allison said. The way you looked at a lamb chop she cooked you, it made her think it was still covered in wool.

ROZ

And what's worse it makes him pout through the rest of the meal.

FRASIER

I have never pouted a day in my life. I can't believe Allison has told you that. What else has she said about me?

OFFICER RIPLEY

I don't think I can say anymore.

DAPHNE AND NILES ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN. DAPHNE CARRIES THE ROAST ON A LARGE PLATE WHICH LOOKS BURNT TO A CRISP

DAPHNE

Okay dinner is ready. It might be a little well done around the edges but that's just made it crispy.

NILES

It looks divine.

DAPHNE AND NILES EXIT BACK INTO THE KITCHEN

MARTIN

See, you're frowning at food again.

FRASIER

Well you made me.

AS FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ MOVE TO THE DINNING TABLE WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(B)

TITLE CARD: "WHY YOU'D WANT TO CUT THROUGH A TANK THEY'RE NOT EVEN GOING TO QUESTION"

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Martin, Frasier, Roz, Daphne, Niles, Officer Elliot, Officer Ripley, Eddie)

THE TWO POLICE OFFICERS SIT AT THE WINDOW STILL GIVING IT THEIR FULL ATTENTION AS FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ SIT AT THE TABLE

MARTIN

What are we going to do?

FRASIER

Eat it.

MARTIN

We'll die if we eat that. Someone say something to her.

FRASIER

And how exactly do we do that tactfully?

MARTIN

Tell her it's vile and we want to live. Then drop it down the toilet and push it around the pipe with the toilet brush.

FRASIER

I said tactfully Dad. Not cause her severe psychological damage.

ROZ

It can't be that bad.

DAPHNE AND NILES ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN CARRYING SOME FOOD. DAPHNE HAS A BOWL OF POTATOES THAT LOOK REVOLTING AND NILES HAS A LITTLE DISH OF CARROTS. THEY PUT THEM ON THE TABLE

DAPHNE

The potatoes are a little on the hard side. They dried up a little in the oven.

DAPHNE EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN

NILES

Frasier stop frowning. Just add some water to them to soften them up and give it that gravy quality.

NILES EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN

ROZ

Then again maybe not.

MARTIN GOES TO GET A SPOONFUL OF POTATOES OUT OF THE DISH BUT CAN'T MOVE THE SPOON

MARTIN

I can't move the spoon. Someone get me a hammer.

MARTIN EVENTUALLY PRISES IT OUT NEARLY FLICKING POTATO ACROSS THE ROOM

FRASIER

Roz I don't know why you're complaining you can leave. Tell her you have to go and pick up Alice.

ROZ

I'm not leaving unless it's with that Cop. If that means attempting to strangle you so he handcuffs me to him and drags me out then fine.

NILES ENTERS CARRYING THE ROAST WITH DAPHNE FOLLOWING. NILES PLACES IT ON THE CENTRE OF THE TABLE AS EVERYONE STARES AT IT A LITTLE WORRIED

DAPHNE

And here we go. It's a little well done but I'm sure it will taste fine.

NILES

Of course it will. Won't it?

NILES LOOKS TO EVERYONE FOR REASSURANCE

MARTIN

Of course.

ROZ

Without a doubt.

FRASIER

I'm not frowning. This is my inquisitive face.

DAPHNE

Would you like to carve Dr. Crane?

FRASIER

It would be my pleasure.

FRASIER TRIES TO HOLD THE ROAST STILL WITH A FORK WHILE HE CUTS IT BUT STRUGGLES TO ACTUALLY GET THE FORK IN IT

FRASIER (CONT'D)

I think I need to sharpen these a little. They've gone a little blunt.

MARTIN

Isn't this the set I bought off that infomercial that cut a tank in half?

FINALLY FRASIER MANAGES TO GET THE FORK IN THE MEAT. HE THEN PICKS UP THE CARVING KNIFE AND ATTEMPTS TO SLICE IT. THE MEAT HARDLY DENTS

FRASIER

Well they've obviously sold you a poor quality set Dad. I knew this wasn't proper steal it's far to weak.

DAPHNE

I knew I'd left it in too long. It'll cut through a tank but not through a piece of meat?

NILES

No it's fine. It's just a little crispy around the edges.

FRASIER

You know what Daphne I'm going to carve this in the kitchen.

DAPHNE

Why?

FRASIER

Because...we have a vegetarian and a man allergic to cows in the room. I think it would be best to do this out of view.

FRASIER PICKS UP THE ROAST AND EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

MARTIN

(QUIETLY) And with a chainsaw.

NILES GLARES AT MARTIN

NILES

I'll help him.

NILES EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER IS STANDING BY THE REFRIGERATOR TRYING TO LOOK BEHIND IT HOLDING THE ROAST AS NILES ENTERS

NILES (CONT'D)

What are you doing?

FRASIER

Looking for somewhere to loose it. Oh why don't I have a window in here? Help me squeeze it into the blender.

FRASIER RUSHES OVER TO THE BLENDER AND ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKS THE CAKE OFF THE COUNTER ONTO THE FLOOR ALONG THE WAY

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Oh no! Has that just dented my floor?

NILES PICKS UP THE CAKE WHICH IS STILL IN ONE PIECE

NILES

And yet it hasn't damaged the cake at all.

FRASIER

Oh joy! That makes that large dent I could practically fall into seem so unimportant now.

NILES EXAMINES THE CAKE, WHICH DOESN'T HAVE A MARK ON IT. HE THEN HITS IT AGAINST THE SIDE OF THE COUNTER WHICH ONCE AGAIN DOESN'T DAMAGE THE CAKE AT ALL BUT MAKES A SMALL DENT ON THE COUNTER

NILES

Look at that. You could knock a nail in the wall with that.

FRASIER

How would you know? The only nails you touch are on the end of your fingers and toes.

NILES HITS THE CAKE ON THE COUNTER AGAIN

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Stop that!

NILES PUTS THE CAKE BACK ON THE COUNTER

NILES

Just carve it, please for Daphne. She's worked so hard.

FRASIER

Oh all right. For Daphne, and only because she's going to be my sister-in-law but make sure those pair eat some as well.

NILES

Fine.

NILES EXITS BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM. ONCE AGAIN FRASIER TRIES TO CARVE THE ROAST BUT CAN'T SEEM TO CUT IT AT ALL. HE THEN SIGHS BEFORE PUTTING THE KNIFE DOWN AND LOOKING THROUGH THE DOORWAY TO CHECK TO SEE IF ANYONE IS WATCHING. WHEN HE IS SATISFIED HE PICKS UP THE ROAST AND DROPS IT ON THE FLOOR

FRASIER

(SHOUTS) Oops! Oh no!

DAPHNE ENTERS QUICKLY

DAPHNE

What happened?

FRASIER

I slipped on something and accidentally knocked the roast onto the floor. I'm so sorry.

DAPHNE BENDS OVER THE ROAST TO CHECK THE DAMAGE

DAPHNE

It'll be fine once we blow the dust off it. And remove this bug. Half a bug. I wonder where the other half is. It's what's left of what Eddie ate in the park. There that's better.

DAPHNE PICKS SOMETHING OFF THE ROAST AND THEN STANDS BACK TO CHECK IT BUT STILL LEAVES THE ROAST ON THE FLOOR

FRASIER

But Eddie has licked it.

DAPHNE

He's not even in here.

FRASIER

Isn't he? I must have confused him with this piece of lint. Oh well then there's no reason that I can think of why we can't eat it.

WHEN DAPHNE TURNS TO PICK UP THE PLATE THE ROAST WAS ON FRASIER STAMPS ON IT

DAPHNE

Oh Dr. Crane watch out!

FRASIER

I'm so sorry.

DAPHNE

Can we still salvage it?

FRASIER

I'm not sure. (TRYING TO MAKE IT AS WORSE AS POSSIBLE) If only I hadn't walked through all that garbage and medical waste on the side of the road earlier in these shoes.

NILES ENTERS

NILES

What happened?

FRASIER

I stepped on the roast.

DAPHNE

It's ruined.

FRASIER

I'm so sorry Daphne.

DAPHNE

(LOOKING ON THE BRIGHT SIDE) Not to mind. It was a little dry. I'll just keep everything warm and cook those lamb chops that we have in the freezer.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

EVERYONE IS AS BEFORE AS NILES ENTERS

MARTIN

What happened?

NILES

Frasier stood on the roast.

MARTIN

To pull the fork out?

NILES

No so we wouldn't have to eat it.

MARTIN

Fantastic. I'm going to order a pizza.

MARTIN GOES TO GRAB THE PHONE

NILES

No you're not. She's keeping everything warm and cooking some lamb chops instead.

MARTIN

Fine. Then I'm going for a walk and see if the chilli vendor is on the corner today. Come on Eddie.

MARTIN PUTS HIS COAT ON BEFORE PUTTING EDDIE'S LEAD ON AS DAPHNE AND FRASIER ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN. DAPHNE IS CARRYING PART OF THE ROAST

DAPHNE

Just a second Mr. Crane let's see if he wants some of this.

EDDIE WON'T TOUCH IT

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Suit yourself then dog. He must be coming down with something he'll normally eat anything.

MARTIN AND EDDIE EXIT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AS DAPHNE AND NILES EXIT BACK INTO THE KITCHEN AND ROZ APPROACHES OFFICER ELLIOT

ROZ

I don't think we've actually been introduced. I'm Roz. Roz Doyle.

OFFICER ELLIOT

Tim Elliot. That's a real nice dress you've got on there. It really extenuates your (LOOKING AT HER CHEST) ...eyes.

ROZ

Oh this old thing. I just threw it on.

FRASIER

Wait a second Roz. Isn't that Daphne's dress?

ROZ

If you'll excuse me.

ROZ GRABS FRASIER'S HAND AND DRAGS HIM INTO THE KITCHEN

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE AND NILES PUT ALL THE FOOD BACK IN THE OVEN AS ROZ AND FRASIER ENTER

ROZ (CONT'D)

Do you mind?

FRASIER

What?

ROZ

I'm doing really well here. Please don't screw it up for me or I may just have to kill you.

FRASIER

And how exactly would I do that?

ROZ

Oh believe me you'll find a way you always do. And Niles you be quiet as well.

NILES

I haven't said anything yet.

ROZ

You will.

DAPHNE

Can I speak?

ROZ

Yes I need you to help me to get him to ask me out.

THEY ALL EXIT BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

OFFICER ELLIOT AND OFFICER RIPLEY SIT AS BEFORE AS DAPHNE AND ROZ LEAD NILES AND FRASIER INTO THE LIVING ROOM AND TO THE COUCH

ROZ (CONT'D)

Both of you sit.

FRASIER AND NILES BOTH SIT DOWN

ROZ (CONT'D)

Stop pouting. (TO OFFICER ELLIOT) So Daphne tells me you're single.

NILES

(SOTTO TO FRASIER) Oh that approach is sure to work.

DAPHNE

Shhhh

DAPHNE SMACKS NILES' ARM

OFFICER ELLIOT

That's right. How about yourself?

ROZ

Oh yeah me too. I'm care free and easy.

FRASIER

(SOTTO TO NILES) Part of that is certainly true.

ROZ

Excuse me for a moment.

ROZ ONCE AGAIN GRABS FRASIER'S HAND AND THEY EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN

A BEAT

ROZ ENTERS RUBBING HER HANDS TOGETHER

ROZ (CONT'D)

And I'm back.

FRASIER ENTERS LIMPING SLIGHTLY

NILES

Frasier you're limping.

FRASIER

Nothing escapes your attention.

OFFICER RIPLEY

You know I've been wondering when I'd meet the new man in Allison's life.

FRASIER

Really?

OFFICER RIPLEY

Yes. She's normally introduced him to everyone by now. Not that you should worry about that.

FRASIER

I'm not.

OFFICER RIPLEY

Good.

FRASIER

Although I am now.

ROZ

You're scared of her puppet she's probably worried you'll have the same reaction to her friends.

FRASIER

I've never been scared of a person.

DAPHNE

What about Bebe?

FRASIER

But she's practically the devil.

NILES

Or Lilith?

FRASIER

That's different. Being scared of your ex-wife and being scared of a stranger are two different things entirely.

OFFICER RIPLEY

(SURPRISED) You've been married? Funny she never mentioned that.

A BEAT

ROZ

You have told her haven't you Frasier?

A BEAT

NILES

Frasier?

FRASIER

(DEFENSIVELY) She knows I have a son so surely she should know I've been married. I didn't find Freddie floating down the river.

DAPHNE

Twice?

OFFICER RIPLEY

You've been married twice? I've got so much to tell her when I next see her.

FRASIER

Like what?

OFFICER RIPLEY

Oh just things.

ROZ

(TO OFFICER ELLIOT) I've never been married.

OFFICER ELLIOT

That's nice.

A BEAT

NILES

Well that's certainly exhausted that conversation. Would anyone like any wine?

NILES EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

ROZ

I could take a bottle or two.

ROZ EXITS TO THE KITCHEN

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

NILES POURS FOUR GLASSES OF WINE AS ROZ ENTERS LOOKING FRUSTRATED

ROZ (CONT'D)

What is wrong with him?

NILES

Maybe you've lost your appeal Roz.

ROZ

Okay before you start sprouting crazy theories that are so blatantly not true let's look at this objectively.

DAPHNE ENTERS

DAPHNE

He's just watched you leave with a smile on his face.

ROZ

Oh great. In other words I light up the room by leaving it.

NILES

I've always thought so.

ROZ SLAPS NILES' ARM

DAPHNE

No he was smiling in a seedy kind of way.

ROZ

Well that's promising.

DAPHNE AND ROZ EACH PICK UP A GLASS OF WINE AND EXIT INTO THE LIVING ROOM. NILES PICKS UP THE REMAINING TWO GLASSES BEFORE EXITING

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER REMAINS ON THE COUCH AS NILES ENTERS AND GIVES HIM HIS WINE BEFORE SITTING NEXT TO HIM. DAPHNE SITS ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH BY NILES AS ROZ STILL HOVERS BY THE OFFICERS BY THE WINDOW

FRASIER

Let's see if this wine was worth the odd looks?

DAPHNE

Odd looks?

NILES

Don't ask. It wasn't my shining moment.

THEY ALL TAKE A SIP OF THE WINE

FRASIER

Well it's chewy, jammy, with just a hint of...

NILES

(DISGUSTED) Crap. I don't think that was a pricing error. I think that was the bargain basket.

DAPHNE

(SHOCKED) You've bought something from a bargain basket? (JOKING) Excuse me while I go and lie down to recover.

DAPHNE PUTS HER GLASS DOWN AND EXITS TO HER ROOM

ROZ

I think it tastes nice.

FRASIER

That just proves it. We've been screwed Niles.

NILES

I think I can feel it peeling the enamel off my teeth.

FRASIER

Always a good sensation to feel. It's so thick it's like oil.

ROZ

And yet you're both still drinking it.

FRASIER

Don't forget we have to eat that later. And this wine might be able to completely destroy my taste buds.

NILES

I can't drink anymore. Two glasses of that and I'll go blind.

MARTIN AND EDDIE ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR WITH MARTIN CARRYING A BROWN PAPER BAG

MARTIN

Is Daphne about?

FRASIER

She's just gone into her room. Do you think she'll believe that those potatoes happened to jump into the garbage disposal that also mysteriously happened to switch itself on?

MARTIN

Only if you're planning on giving her a lobotomy before you tell her. Follow me.

MARTIN GOES TO EXIT TO HIS ROOM

FRASIER

(RE: BAG) What have you got in there?

MARTIN

Nectar from the Gods. Steak sandwiches.

NILES

You can't do that.

MARTIN

Why not?

NILES

Because Daphne's been cooking that meal most of the day.

MARTIN

No she's been cremating that meal most of the day. You can either eat this or a piece of lamb that looks and smells like coal.

NILES

Dad it's not right. She wants to make this special. Do you have any idea how important this is for her?

OFFICER ELLIOT

We'll stand guard and keep her away while you eat it.

NILES

What are we waiting for?

NILES TAKES THE BAG OFF MARTIN AND GOES TO EXIT TOWARDS MARTIN'S ROOM

ROZ

I know you're doing something deceitful but do you really need to run like that?

NILES

Like what?

FRASIER

We've been asking him that for years.

FRASIER, ROZ, MARTIN AND NILES EXIT TOWARDS MARTIN'S ROOM

OFFICER ELLIOT

What's he doing now?

OFFICER RIPLEY

He's still naked except for the racoon around his shoulders sitting on the kitchen counter doing his jigsaw puzzle.

OFFICER ELLIOT

Wait a second. The racoon is doing the jigsaw puzzle or our guy?

OFFICER RIPLEY

Neither it's the Pope. God the sight of someone remotely attractive and suddenly only one part of you can function.

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM. THE MOMENT THE OFFICERS SEE HER THEY BOTH SPRING UP OFF THEIR SEATS, TURNING THEIR ATTENTION AWAY FROM THE WINDOW FOR THE FIRST TIME AND ON TO DAPHNE

OFFICER ELLIOT

Daphne! Hi!

DAPHNE

What's going on?

OFFICER RIPLEY

Nothing we were just curious about where you went. We were worried. You were gone such a long time.

DAPHNE

I only went to my room. I wasn't dicing with death dropping little brown envelops off for the mob.

OFFICER RIPLEY

Oh we know that.

OFFICER ELLIOT

Where are you going?

DAPHNE

Just to the kitchen. What's the matter?

OFFICER RIPLEY

Nothing. Nothing at all. We just have to keep on our toes you know. You never know when something might happen and we'll have to jump up and leave.

DAPHNE

Where has everyone gone?

OFFICER RIPLEY

Like who for example?

DAPHNE

Like everybody.

OFFICER ELLIOT

There's Marty's dog.

DAPHNE

I was thinking more along the lines of humans.

OFFICER ELLIOT

Of course you were. How silly of me.

DAPHNE

So?

OFFICER ELLIOT

So what?

DAPHNE

Where is everyone?

OFFICER RIPLEY

Was there anyone else here?

DAPHNE GOES TO EXIT TOWARDS MARTIN'S ROOM

OFFICER ELLIOT

Where are you going?

DAPHNE

Four people haven't just vanished into thin air. This is not magic hour. And I think the trend of people having spontaneous combustion fits is on the decrease so they're obviously down there.

DAPHNE GOES TO EXIT ONCE AGAIN

OFFICER RIPLEY

Oh Daphne don't.

OFFICER ELLIOT GOES TO STAND IN HER WAY

DAPHNE

Why?

OFFICER ELLIOT

Because we want you to tell us more about England. So what's it like...you know...there and...well...having a Queen?

DAPHNE PUSHES PAST AND EXITS

OFFICER RIPLEY

No Daphne don't.

RESET TO:

INT. MARTIN'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER, MARTIN, NILES AND ROZ ALL SIT ON MARTIN'S BED EATING SANDWICHES

NILES

I know it's wrong but it feels so good.

MARTIN

We've got to do this more often.

FRASIER

What eat steak sandwiches or do it without Daphne knowing?

ROZ

Both.

NILES

This is heaven.

DAPHNE ENTERS FOLLOWED CLOSELY BY OFFICER ELLIOT AND OFFICER RIPLEY. EVERYONE FREEZES

DAPHNE

I don't believe it!

NILES

Daphne! This isn't what it looks like!

DAPHNE

Oh a likely story.

FRASIER

It's only happened once.

MARTIN

It'll never happen again.

DAPHNE

That's what they all say.

ROZ

We didn't want to do it.

NILES

Dad made us.

MARTIN

Hey!

NILES

I didn't enjoy it. The whole time I was thinking about you and your lovely dinner.

DAPHNE

Save it.

DAPHNE EXITS

FRASIER

I thought you two were supposed to be watching her!

OFFICER ELLIOT

We did but then she wanted to know where you'd all gone. Don't blame us for this.

NILES

I can't eat the rest of this now.

OFFICER RIPLEY

Well if you're not going to can I?

ROZ

I thought you were a vegetarian.

OFFICER RIPLEY

Yeah well you know what thought did.

THEY ALL EXIT BACK TOWARDS THE LIVING ROOM

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

THEY ALL ENTER INTO THE EMPTY LIVING ROOM

NILES

Where's Daphne gone?

MARTIN

Probably to her room.

NILES EXITS TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM

NILES

(OFF STAGE) Daphne. Sweetheart can I come in?

DAPHNE

(OFF STAGE) Sod off!

NILES ENTERS FROM DAPHNE'S ROOM

NILES

I think she'd prefer to be alone for a while. (THEN) Actually Dad I have an idea. Come with me for a moment.

NILES AND MARTIN EXIT TOWARDS MARTIN'S ROOM

ROZ

So what's he doing now?

OFFICER ELLIOT

Who? (REALISING) Oh right.

OFFICER RIPLEY RUSHES BACK TO THE WINDOW AND LOOKS THROUGH HER BINOCULARS

OFFICER RIPLEY

Oh my God! He's gone!

OFFICER ELLIOT

What do you mean he's gone?

OFFICER RIPLEY

I mean he's gone in terms of there's a rabbit jumping up and down on a pogo stick over there. What do you mean what do I mean? He's gone. He's taken his racoons and he's gone.

FRASIER

How is that possible? You haven't left the window. (REALISING) Ah I see.

OFFICER ELLIOT

Oh my God!

OFFICER RIPLEY

Quick let's get down there.

OFFICER ELLIOT AND OFFICER RIPLEY BOTH SPRINT TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR

ROZ

Wait you can't leave without giving me your number. I thought you might want to see me again.

OFFICER ELLIOT

And I do. Come down to the station Thursday at two. I need you for a Police line-up. Come dressed like that, it's a line-up of hookers.

OFFICER RIPLEY

Come on!

OFFICER ELLIOT

Thanks. You'll be doing me a really big favour.

THEY EXIT CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND THEM AS ROZ STARTS TO BREATHE REALLY RAPIDLY

ROZ

I need alcohol now!

ROZ GRABS HER GLASS OF WINE AND EXITS TO THE KITCHEN WITH FRASIER FOLLOWING

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

ROZ FILLS HER GLASS UP AS FRASIER ENTERS

ROZ (CONT'D)

A line-up?!

FRASIER

Calm down Roz.

ROZ

He wants me for a line-up? As a hooker?

FRASIER

Something positive might come from it.

ROZ

Like what? A strip search and a girlfriend who wears Loafers?

FRASIER

Think of it this way, at least it's a date.

RESET TO:

INT. DAPHNE'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE LIES ON HER BED FACING AWAY FROM THE DOOR

SFX: KNOCK ON THE DOOR

DAPHNE

Go away.

NILES

(OFF STAGE) Ma'am can you please open the door.

DAPHNE

If you had any sort of brain at all you'd realise that it's not even locked.

NILES ENTERS WEARING MARTIN'S OLD POLICE HAT AND WITH HIS BADGE STICKING OUT OF HIS JACKET POCKET. DAPHNE DOESN'T TURN TO LOOK AT HIM

NILES

We at the Seattle PD do not have a brain that we're aware of.

DAPHNE

You what?

DAPHNE SITS UP AND TURNS TO LOOK AT HIM

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Oh my God! You look like one of the village people.

NILES

Since I've no idea what you're talking about I'll choose to take that as a compliment.

DAPHNE

Where did you get that hat?

NILES

It's Dad's.

DAPHNE

It's way too big. It's making your ears stick out.

NILES

In an adorable way?

DAPHNE

In an I wonder if I twist your ears will your tongue stick out kind of way.

NILES

That could be adorable.

DAPHNE

Yes it could but not right now I'm mad at you.

DAPHNE LIES DOWN AGAIN AND TURNS AWAY FROM HIM AS NILES SITS ON THE BED

NILES

I'm sorry Daphne. We all are.

DAPHNE

I know I'm not the best cook in the world but you don't have to lie about it. I have trouble melting butter without burning it.

NILES

That's not true. You melt me the moment you walk in the room.

SHE SITS UP AND SMILES AT HIM

DAPHNE

Thank you Officer Crane.

NILES

Will you come with me or are you going to make me use my handcuffs?

DAPHNE

Not right now your family is outside.

NILES

I was joking.

DAPHNE

I wasn't. But there are more important things to discuss right now.

NILES

Like what?

DAPHNE

Has your Dad got anymore of those sandwiches left? I'm ruddy starving.

AS NILES TAKES HER HAND AND HELPS HER UP AND TO THE DOOR WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

CLOSING CREDITS: ROZ WALKS UP THE WINDOW AND PICKS UP THE PAIR OF BINOCULARS AND LOOKS THROUGH THEM. AFTER A MOMENT HER MOUTH DROPS OPEN AND SHE CALLS FRASIER OVER. HE RUSHES OVER AND ROZ POINTS OUT THE WINDOW AND THEN DOES A STABBING ACTION LIKE FROM PSYCHO AND HANDS FRASIER THE BINOCULARS. HE LOOKS THROUGH THEM AND SEARCHES FRANTICALLY. WHEN HE EVENTUALLY SEES WHAT SHE IS TALKING ABOUT HE SIGHS SHAKES HIS HEAD AND GIVES THEM BACK TO ROZ. SHE LOOKS THROUGH THEM AGAIN AND THEN REALISES HER MISTAKE.