I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
This is what I had in mind when I read the cast list for the season nine premiere — how wrong I was! I apologise for the amount of English expression that creep into this one, but they felt right coming from certain characters. Feedback is like the Holy Grail, I'm forever looking for it, so please send any to kelly_simba@hotmail.com
Enjoy...
Alternative Season Nine Episode Eighteen
Wives and Lovers
By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)
ACT ONE(A)
TITLE CARD: "WELL SHE CAN THROW THE BALL LIKE SHE'S IN THE MAJOR'S"
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Allison, Frasier, Roz, Virginia, Man)
FRASIER AND ALLISON SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF NERVOSA, WITH FRASIER FACING THE DOOR, DRINKING COFFEE AND IN MID CONVERSATION
ALLISON
The show was going fine apart from the nymphomaniac clown, unfortunately named 'Willy Drop It', that they also hired as entertainment turning up drunk without his pants and trying to grope one of the Grandmother's there. She was a little a surprised to say the least. She nearly swallowed her false teeth. It's very hard to attempt the Heimlich manoeuvre on an eighty-year-old woman; they have the tendency to break very easily. So everything was going pretty much fine that was until disaster struck.
FRASIER
Another bouncing castle filled with helium?
ALLISON
Oh I wish. Children floating away to the heavens never to be seen again except for on the sides of milk cartons would have been a picnic compared to what followed. I guess I was being a little too aggressive with my puppet. So aggressive in fact that while we were having our little traditional mock argument about how old the birthday girl actually was that I shook him a little too violently and his head fell off.
FRASIER
Oh dear. I take it that didn't go down well.
ALLISON
His head went down like a ton of bricks and it fell into the birthday girl's bowl of jello that was unfortunately placed on her lap at the time. The fact that it was red jello made it look as if I'd split his head open to make matters worse. I have never heard such screaming or seen such wetting of pants since I did that performance at the retirement home. It's going to take me forever to dry his head out.
FRASIER
Don't worry about it. The same thing happens to me all the time. You get used to it.
ALLISON
Your head falls off in the middle of a show?
FRASIER
No I mean my audience has the habit of screaming and wetting themselves.
ALLISON
Ah now I know why you're not still in private practice.
FRASIER
At least you get free jello when it happens to you. I just used to get nauseous and a skin rash that itched like the devil.
ALLISON
You have such romantic stories. I'll be right back.
ROZ ENTERS AS ALLISON STANDS UP, KISSES FRASIER AND EXITS TO THE BATHROOM
ROZ
Who was that you were trying to choke?
ROZ SITS DOWN AT FRASIER'S TABLE WITH HER BACK TOWARDS THE DOOR IN THE SEAT VACATED BY ALLISON
FRASIER
Allison.
ROZ
That's still going on? She doesn't have anymore demon puppets that are terrifying the life out of you? There are no Stephen King IT clowns hiding in the closet?
FRASIER
Yes she does but I've put that behind me and moved on.
ROZ
You've been self-medicating haven't you?
FRASIER
No! Well just a small Valium every now and then to relax me.
ROZ
That's how it starts. You'll be hooked on vitamins and dietary supplements next. Selling your antique pieces of crap and lying to your family because you can't get enough vitamin c and cod liver oil.
FRASIER
That's very amusing. You can go now.
ROZ
Why can't I sit here? Afraid I'm going to embarrass you?
FRASIER
No I'm afraid you're going to embarrass yourself.
ROZ
Fine then I'll move.
ROZ STANDS UP AND GOES TO MOVE AS VIRGINIA ENTERS
FRASIER
No wait sit back down.
ROZ SITS BACKS DOWN LOOKING A LITTLE CONFUSED
ROZ
You have more mood swings then a heavily pregnant elephant. You'll be crying your eyes out and then laughing hysterically next.
FRASIER
Virginia Barker just walked in.
ROZ
Who?
ROZ TURNS AROUND THE LOOK
FRASIER
Don't look. I said don't look.
ROZ
Why will direct eye contact with her turn me into a pillar of salt? Oh right I remember her. You two had a thing didn't you?
FRASIER
Yes now don't let her see me.
FRASIER STARTS TO HIDE HIS FACE AND SLUMP DOWN IN HIS SEAT
ROZ
I'm sorry I've forgotten my invisibility spell. Do you want me to sit on you or just cover you with a fire blanket?
FRASIER
(BEGINNING TO PANIC) She's coming over. What am I going to do? Hit me with a bolt of lightening! Anything.
VIRGINIA SEES FRASIER AND RATHER RELUCTANTLY APPROACHES HIM ON HER WAY TO THE COUNTER
FRASIER (CONT'D)
(OOZING CHARM) Virginian hello.
VIRGINIA
Frasier Crane. How lovely to see you again. I'm debating if I really mean that. I'm guessing probably not.
FRASIER
No we didn't part on good terms did we?
VIRGINIA
You parted on good terms, I parted with my dress on fire and so stressed by the whole experience that I lost the majority of my hair and not just on my head.
FRASIER
Yes well it looks great now. (REALISING) I mean on your head.
VIRGINIA
I still have to wear a wig.
FRASIER
Ah well at least you save on having expensive haircuts.
VIRGINIA GLARES AT FRASIER BEFORE MOVING TO THE COUNTER. FRASIER COVERS HIS FACE WITH SHAME
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Did I just say that?
ROZ
Yes you did.
ALLISON ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM AND SITS BACK DOWN IN BETWEEN FRASIER AND ROZ
ALLISON
And I'm back. Hi Roz isn't it?
ROZ
That's right. Nice to see you again Allison. Well I'll get out of your hair. (REALISING) Sorry. I'll leave you two alone.
FRASIER
No you're not leaving are you?
ROZ
See mood swings. And you complain I'm hormonal which by the way I'm not. Stop self-medicating.
ALLISON
What's going on?
VIRGINIA RETURNS TO THE TABLE WITH HER COFFEE
VIRGINIA
Well I wish I could say it was a pleasure seeing you again Frasier but it really hasn't been. As you'll notice my eye twitch has resurfaced. My advice to you ladies would be to run far, run fast before he sets fire to something a little bit more important then a floral patterned dress.
VIRGINIA EXITS AS ALLISON STARES AFTER HER COMPLETELY LOST
FRASIER
(SHOUTS) I said I was sorry. I tried to put it out.
ALLISON
What was that about?
ROZ
He set her on fire while they were dating.
ALLISON
What?
FRASIER
It was only one date and it wasn't as bad as she makes it out to be. There was barely a flame. Just some major singeing.
ALLISON
Does this often happen to you when you are out?
ROZ
What running into people he's dated or set fire to?
FRASIER
Weren't you about to go and sit somewhere else? Trust me it never happens. Well except this one time.
ROZ
The women he's dated a few and far between. A blind racoon is more likely to find a trashcan every now and then, then you are of running into someone Frasier's dated.
FRASIER
Unlike you where you can't throw a stone without hitting at least one person you've slept with.
ROZ
I'll admit I've sown a few wild oats in my time.
FRASIER
A few? You could apply for a farmer's loan.
ROZ LOOKS AROUND THE CAFÉ
ROZ
That's a lie. I haven't slept with anyone in here.
A MAN ENTERS AND WAVES TO ROZ FROM ACROSS THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM
MAN
Oh hey Roz.
ROZ
Hi David.
FRASIER GIVES A SELF SATISFIED GRIN
ROZ (CONT'D)
(TO FRASIER) Oh shut up! At least I haven't set any of them on fire.
AS FRASIER'S SMILE FADES WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/1
(Martin, Daphne, Niles, Frasier, Lilith)
MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR WATCHING THE TELEVISION WITH NILES SLUMPED ON THE COUCH AND DAPHNE STANDING BY THE ISLAND DRESSED UP PUTTING SOME EAR RINGS IN
MARTIN
(TO DAPHNE) How come you're getting all dressed up?
DAPHNE
Aren't I allowed to look nice?
MARTIN
Well I guess.
DAPHNE
Gee you really know how to make a girl feel special don't you. I'm meeting the girls down the pub for a bit of a booze up.
MARTIN
And you're going in a suit?
DAPHNE
I'm not wearing a suit. Do you need your eyes checked again? How many fingers am I holding up? We don't want you getting to the stage where you mistake a bottle of beer for the drain cleaner again. You haven't been able to taste the difference between my pot roast and braised steak since the last time.
MARTIN
(QUIETLY) Thank God. I was talking to Niles.
NILES
I'm not going to the pub. I'm not allowed to go down there and see what sort of antics she takes part in on her own.
DAPHNE
You make it sound as if I go down there to get people drunk and steal their organs while they're unconscious. I don't have a habit of taking some operating utensils out with me and returning with bits of intestine in a brown paper bag. Eddie would have found them and eaten them by now for starters.
NILES
How would I know what happens?
MARTIN
Oh don't worry about it Niles. The same thing happened with your mom and me. She'd never take me to her hangout to be with her friends.
NILES
That's because the first and only time that she did take you down there you called for backup thinking they were selling drugs.
MARTIN
There was white powder by the kitchen door. I thought it was cocaine. You'd have made the same mistake.
NILES
It was flour and not to mention at the time the most exclusive restaurant in the city. They'd made mom a birthday cake. And excuse me but a cop doesn't know the difference between flour and cocaine?
MARTIN
I was a cop not a narcotics expert.
NILES
Evidently. If you were you wouldn't have had the bartender pinned up the wall searching for your rubber glove while mom sat in the corner and hid her face in shame and denied you were with her.
DAPHNE SITS NEXT TO NILES ON THE COUCH AND TAKES HIS HAND
DAPHNE
Niles I've never taken you down there before because I never thought you'd like it. Hanging around in a smoky pub with a bunch of liquored up Englishmen has never exactly been your thing.
NILES
I know but there's a whole part of your life down there that I don't know about and missing out on.
DAPHNE
Fine, come down with me tonight and try it out. At least it will stop you from pulling that face and I'd love to have you there. It'll give me a chance to show you off.
NILES
That's great well apart from feeling a little like I'm about to take part in a dog show. Am I properly attired to go?
DAPHNE
Not exactly. You've got all your teeth and a too few tattoos. And that's just some of the prettier women.
FRASIER ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR
FRASIER
Hello all.
MARTIN
You're back late.
FRASIER
I was in Nervosa with Allison trying to prove to her that I'm not some sort of professional womaniser.
NILES
You're dating her. Surely she already knows that.
FRASIER
We ran into Virginia down there and Allison was just a little concerned about running into any other ex's of mine in the near future.
NILES
Like that's likely.
MARTIN
Virginia?
DAPHNE
Isn't she the one who's dog you killed?
FRASIER
It was her fault not mine. What kind of woman let's her dog run around outside while someone is trying to back their car out? But anyway no it's not her.
NILES
Isn't she the one you set on fire?
FRASIER
It was hardly a fire and once again that was her fault.
MARTIN
How was that her fault?
FRASIER
She's the one that started the fire.
NILES
But that was in the fireplace.
DAPHNE
I hardly expect that when she did that she was expecting you to hurl her towards it.
FRASIER
I thought I saw a rat.
DAPHNE
Speaking of places with rats. Let's loosen you up a little if you still want to go to the pub. If they see you in a tie they'll think you're the health investigator again.
NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT TO HER ROOM
MARTIN
Was Allison okay with it?
FRASIER
I think so. It was just a little jarring running into her.
MARTIN
I bet it was and I think alcohol is needed.
MARTIN STANDS AND GOES TO EXIT TO THE KITCHEN
FRASIER
No honestly I'm fine with it.
MARTIN
I mean for me. After hearing about your pitiful love life I need something to help drown my sorrows.
MARTIN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN AS FRASIER HANGS UP HIS COAT ON THE PEG
SFX: DOORBELL
FRASIER CROSSES TO OPEN THE FRONT DOOR AND LILITH ENTERS. FRASIER IS OBVIOUSLY STARTLED TO SEE HER AND SHOUTS
FRASIER
Ahhhhhhhhh.
LILITH
That's a wonderful greeting. Do you normally scream and send spittle into the eye of everyone who rings on your doorbell?
FRASIER
No of course not. I'm sorry. I'm just a little surprised to see you. What are you doing here?
LILITH
Currently standing out in a hallway. May I come in?
FRASIER LETS LILITH IN AND CLOSES THE DOOR
FRASIER
Of course. I'm sorry. So what are you doing here?
LILITH
I have a conference to attend tomorrow in Tacoma.
FRASIER
(WORRIED) Really?
LILITH
I'm not here to sleep with you Frasier.
FRASIER
Oh thank God. I'm so relieved.
LILITH
That was certainly flattering. Be still my beating heart.
MARTIN ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AND IS ALSO STARTLED TO SEE LILITH
MARTIN
Ahhhhhhhhh.
LILITH
And so was that.
MARTIN
Lilith! What are you doing here?
LILITH
You can stop holding your cane in such an aggressive and threatening manner I'm here for a conference tomorrow and thought it would be a good idea to pay a visit to the man with which I created a child.
MARTIN
You can make anything sound romantic.
DAPHNE ENTERS LOOKING THROUGH HER BAG AND CALLING BACK TO NILES
DAPHNE
Come along then or we'll miss happy hour. (LOOKING UP AND SEEING LILITH) Ahhhhhhhhh.
NILES ENTERS CONCERNED ABOUT THE SCREAMING
NILES
What's the matter has...(SEEING LILITH) Ahhhhhhhhh
LILITH
Is this the new way to say hello good to see you in Seattle or have you all suddenly developed Tourette's syndrome?
NILES
I was just a little surprised that's all. What are you doing here?
LILITH
Conference.
DAPHNE
That's nice well we were just on our way out.
NILES AND DAPHNE QUICKLY MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE FRONT DOOR TRYING DESPERATELY TO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH LILITH
LILITH
I understand congratulations are in order.
NILES
(WORRIED) Why?
LILITH
Frederick said you got engaged.
DAPHNE
Oh yes. Thanks.
LILITH SHAKES DAPHNE'S HAND BUT IS UNABLE TO SHAKE NILES' AS HE'S TOO CLOSE TO THE FRONT DOOR WAITING TO ESCAPE. DAPHNE MAKES HER WAY TO THE FRONT DOOR AND THEY GO TO EXIT
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Hold me purse for me will you please Niles.
NILES TAKES HER PURSE
NILES
Sure. Why?
DAPHNE
All my right hand side of my body has just gone numb.
DAPHNE RUBS THE HAND THAT LILITH SHOOK AS SHE AND NILES EXIT
MARTIN
So how long are you here for?
LILITH
The white flags can come out tomorrow evening. I'm only here as a favour to a colleague who's speech I promised to attend.
FRASIER
I wish I knew you were coming. I would have prepared something to eat and drink.
MARTIN
(SOTTO TO FRASIER) And a fully loaded shotgun.
LILITH
Actually I was thinking if you'd like to, would you like to go out and have dinner with me?
FRASIER
(WORRIED) Dinner? You and me? Just the two of us? Alone?
LILITH
I've told you I don't want to sleep with you.
FRASIER
I was just checking.
AS FRASIER GETS HIS COAT WE:
FADE OUT
(C)
FADE IN:
INT. RESTAURANT — EVENING — DAY/1
(Frasier, Lilith, Roz, Allison)
FRASIER AND LILITH SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF A HEAVING RESTAURANT LOOKING AT THEIR MENUS
FRASIER
Is Freddie doing better in school?
LILITH
He's back on track.
FRASIER
That's certainly good to hear. And how have you been?
LILITH
I'm fine thank you.
FRASIER
Have you been seeing anyone recently?
LILITH
I have as a matter of fact. (THEN) It's someone from Cheers.
FRASIER
Oh my God! Who? It's Sam isn't it? For the love of God don't let it be Cliff. Okay answer me one question. Is he better?
LILITH
Frasier I'm joking. When have I ever dated beer-swilling oafs?
FRASIER
I was a bar fly when we met remember.
LILITH
Yes and we got divorced, need I say anymore. So how about yourself? Are you dating?
FRASIER
I have been seeing someone actually but it's really too early to say anything.
LILITH
Why is it too early? Is she below the legal age limit?
FRASIER
Of course not.
LILITH
Because it has been brought to my attention that the older that you get the younger your girlfriends get. How long will it be before you're hanging around the maternity wards looking for some action?
FRASIER
I just don't want to tempt fate.
LILITH
What does she do for a living if that's not tempting the devils too much to conspire against your relationship?
FRASIER
If you must know she's a ventriloquist.
LILITH
Really? How very interesting. Looking for another woman to take charge of the relationship and handle you like the puppet you so often are?
FRASIER
No! Her profession has nothing to do with our relationship.
FRASIER SEES ROZ APPROACHES THE TABLE
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Oh no.
LILITH
Once again that wasn't my foot. It's the leg of the table. There's a trick to telling the difference. One of them is wood but I'm not going to tell you which. Stop being such an egomaniac.
FRASIER
No I can see Roz coming towards us.
LILITH
And you're ashamed to be seen with me.
FRASIER
Not at all.
ROZ REACHES THE TABLE BEHIND LILITH
ROZ
Hi Frasier. Allison what have you done to your...(SEEING THAT IT'S ACTUALLY LILITH) Ahhhhhhhhh.
LILITH
Will everyone stop doing that! Yes I'm here. I'm not the wicked witch of the north. Just deal with it.
ROZ
I'm sorry I was just a little...
LILITH
Let me guess just a little surprised.
ROZ
Yeah well I'll let you get back to your dinner and I'll get back to mine.
LILITH TURNS TO LOOK AT HER DATE
LILITH
He looks delicious. Well if you'll excuse me while I go to the powder room.
LILITH EXITS TO THE BATHROOM BEFORE ROZ SITS IN HER CHAIR
ROZ
I should have gone with her to finally see if she actually has a reflection when she looks in the mirror. What is going on?
FRASIER
She has a conference tomorrow and just dropped by to say hello and give me several strokes in the process.
ROZ
Don't let Allison see you with her.
FRASIER
And what are the chances of that happening?
ROZ
I guess you're right.
ALLISON ENTERS AND SEEING FRASIER STARTS TO WALK TO HIM
FRASIER
Oh dear God.
ROZ
She's here isn't she?
FRASIER
Is there only one restaurant in the entire city of Seattle?! Have all the others burnt down while we've been in here?! Where are you going?
ROZ
This could get ugly I'm going to get a ring side seat. Can you turn around slightly so I can see your reaction from my table?
ROZ QUICKLY GOES BACK TO HER TABLE AS ALLISON REACHES FRASIER'S
ALLISON
Frasier hi! What are you doing here? Are you here with your brother?
FRASIER
Not exactly. What are you doing here?
ALLISON
My sister flew in from out of town. I told you she was coming.
LILITH ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM AND SITS STRAIGHT DOWN PICKING UP HER MENU
LILITH
Finally someone wants to take our order. I'll have the...
FRASIER
Actually Lilith this is Allison my girlfriend. Allison this is Lilith...my ex wife.
ALLISON
Your ex wife? Well this is certainly a surprise.
FRASIER
You have no idea.
ALLISON
Well don't let me disturb you. I'll speak to you tomorrow.
ALLISON MAKES HER WAY BACK TO THE ENTRANCE
LILITH
I'm sensing that didn't go well.
AS FRASIER HIDES HIS FACE IN HIS MENU WE:
FADE OUT
(D)
FADE IN:
INT. FOX AND WHISTLE — EVENING — DAY/1
(Daphne, Niles, Alan, Annie, Mia, Gaz)
DAPHNE AND NILES ENTER THE CROWDED PUB. NILES LOOKS A LITTLE MORE CASUAL NOW AFTER HAVING REMOVED HIS TIE AND UNBUTTONED HIS SHIRT A LITTLE. ALAN, A BARTENDER WORKS AWAY BEHIND THE BAR TO THE RIGHT HAND SIDE. ANNIE AND MIA SIT BY THE WALL AND NEXT TO THE SNOOKER TABLE ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE WITH A LARGE CAKE IN FRONT OF THEM AS GAZ SETS THE BALLS ON THE TABLE OUT
DAPHNE
Okay now any complaining and you can go home.
NILES
When do I ever complain? (THINKING) Oh all right I'll rephrase. When do I ever complain about somewhere that you take me?
DAPHNE LEADS NILES TO THE BAR
ALAN
All right Daphne.
DAPHNE
All right Alan.
ALAN
You're a bit late. The girls have already got a head start on you. You've missed two rounds. They're completely off their trolleys.
NILES
They're what?
ALAN
Hello. Who's this then?
DAPHNE
Niles this is Alan. Alan this is Niles, my fiancé.
NILES
How do you do.
NILES AND ALAN SHAKE HANDS
ALAN
Blimey so this is the famous Niles. I was beginning to wonder if we'd ever get a butchers at you.
NILES
A what?
ALAN
A butchers.
DAPHNE
Butchers hook. Look.
NILES
Oh right. I often wondered if I'd get a look at this place.
ALAN
Can I get you a bevy?
DAPHNE
Can I have the usual Alan please.
ALAN
Sure one pint coming up.
NILES
A pint? You're drinking beer?
DAPHNE
It's not the sherry kind of place sweetheart.
ALAN
I think I may have a bottle of sherry somewhere back here.
ALAN FINDS A DUSTY BOTTLE ON THE SHELF AND PLACES IT IN FRONT OF NILES
ALAN (CONT'D)
Here we are. It's a little old. And the cap seems to have been replaced with play dough. But it smells normal enough. Well within a degree or two. Here you smell it.
ALAN THRUSTS THE BOTTLE AT NILES SO HE HAS TO SMELL IT RESULTING IN NILES LOOKING AS IF HE'S GOING TO BE SICK
NILES
I think I'll just have a beer.
ANNIE
(SHOUTS) Daphne! There you are. Come here.
DAPHNE MOVES ACROSS THE ROOM TO JOIN THEM
ALAN
There you go me old man. Actually I'm glad you're here, maybe you can stop your trouble and strife and her mates from getting a little rowdy.
NILES LOOKS AT HIS CONFUSED
ALAN (CONT'D)
(EXPLAINING) Trouble and strife. Wife.
ALAN FINISHES POURING THEIR PINTS AND GIVES THEM TO NILES
ANNIE
Is that Niles?
DAPHNE
Yeah. He wanted to come and I finally agreed. Please be gentle with him. Niles, come here.
NILES WALKS OVER TO THEM, HANDS DAPHNE HER DRINK BEFORE SITTING DOWN
NILES
Good evening ladies.
ANNIE
It's a surprise to see you down here.
NILES
Well I thought I'd have a butchers at the old place with my future trouble and strife here.
DAPHNE
And I think you've had enough of that.
DAPHNE MOVES NILES' DRINK AWAY FROM HIM
MIA
Hi I'm Mia. I must say you're not exactly what I expected.
NILES
I'm not sure if I should take that in a good way or a bad way.
MIA
(FLIRTING) Oh definitely a good way.
DAPHNE
Oh all right back off he's spoken for. I smell more fresh meat over there for you to attack.
ANNIE
Daphne, as promised after we beat him at snooker Alan brought us this. Double chocolate fudge cake. Don't you just want to rub it all over your body?
ANNIE AND DAPHNE START TO EAT SOME OF THE CAKE
DAPHNE
But then you wouldn't be able to reach all places to eat it.
ANNIE
Oh believe me I'd find a way.
MIA
Heaven in pudding form.
DAPHNE
God who said eating chocolate was like having sex.
ANNIE
Someone who obviously wasn't getting any.
NILES
What sex?
ANNIE
No chocolate. This is far better then any sexual experience I've ever had and I'll admit I've had a few in the last few days that spring to mind.
DAPHNE
Oh me too...(REALISING THAT NILES IS LISTENING AND COVERING) I mean Mia try some.
GAZ WALKS OVER TO THEM WITH TWO SNOOKER CUES
GAZ
All right love. Who's this you've brought with you? Your lawyer?
DAPHNE
This is my fiancé Niles, Niles this is Gaz.
NILES
It's a pleasure.
THEY SHAKES HANDS
GAZ
So you're Daphne's old man. Fancy a game of snooker?
NILES
I'm not really the sportsman.
GAZ
Come on. We need one more.
NILES
Okay then.
NILES STANDS AND FOLLOWS GAZ TO THE TABLE WHERE HE GIVES HIM HIS CUE
DAPHNE
This can only end in disaster.
ANNIE
What damage can he do to himself playing snooker?
DAPHNE
You're right. It's not like he can impale himself.
NILES GOES TO TAKE A SHOT BUT UNFORTUNATELY MISSES THE BALL, WHACKS THE CUE AGAINST THE TABLE INSTEAD CAUSING IT TO REBOUND UP AND HIT HIM IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS FOREHEAD. HE THEN STUMBLES BACK A LITTLE STUNNED
ANNIE
Only knock himself out.
AS DAPHNE SHAKES HER HEAD AT HIM WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO(E)
TITLE CARD: "IT COULD BE WORSE, THE COMPETITION COULD BE A RAW CHICKEN"
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/2
(Frasier, Niles, Allison)
FRASIER AND NILES SIT BY THE WINDOW IN NERVOSA. NEITHER OF THEM LOOK PARTICULARLY HAPPY
FRASIER
What is wrong with your head?
NILES
I might have hit myself in the head with a snooker cue several times last night.
FRASIER
Might have?
NILES
All right I did. I nearly blinded myself with the chalk. Why aren't there safety warnings printed on those things?
FRASIER
Maybe they thought most people would know not to beat themselves about the head with it. So how were things at the pub?
NILES
(OBVIOUSLY LYING) It was great. Fantastic. I had the time of my life.
FRASIER
You come back looking as if you could do with some emergency cosmetic surgery to remove that dent from your forehead and you claim you had a fantastic time?
NILES
Oh all right it was hellish.
FRASIER
Then why did you put yourself through it?
NILES
I just want to be with her.
FRASIER
So much so that you decided to beat yourself about the head with a snooker cue.
NILES
And I drank beer.
FRASIER
Dear God you will go to any extreme to be with her won't you?
NILES
And to make matters worse I now have to try to out perform a double chocolate fudge cake in bed.
FRASIER
I don't even want to know what that means.
NILES
So how was your evening? I take it since you're still in one piece you didn't sleep with her.
FRASIER
Oh it was much worse then that.
NILES
How could it be possibly worse then that?
FRASIER
I took her out to dinner and we ran into Allison.
NILES
You're joking.
FRASIER
If only I were.
NILES
What happened?
FRASIER
Allison was a little shocked to say the least.
NILES
I'm not surprised. Seeing a person with virtually no skin pigmentation for the first time is bound to be startling.
FRASIER
She went off before I had a proper chance to explain what was going on. I have to admit that it did look a little incriminating.
NILES
You were just having dinner. Surely she'll understand that after you've had a chance to explain. It wasn't as if Lilith had her foot in your mouth. (THEN) She didn't did she?
FRASIER
No.
NILES
I just thought I'd check.
ALLISON ENTERS ALSO LOOKING QUITE MISERABLE
ALLISON
Good afternoon Frasier, Niles.
NILES STANDS TO LEAVE
NILES
Afternoon. Well I should be going I have a patient. Although maybe he'd like to switch and listen to my problems this afternoon for a change.
ALLISON
What happened to your head?
NILES
Snooker cue.
ALLISON
Okay interesting.
NILES EXITS AND ALLISON SITS IN THE NOW VACATED SEAT
FRASIER
I'm so glad you came.
ALLISON
Me too. Explanation please. What were you doing with your ex wife? And don't say having dinner.
FRASIER
She's flown in for a conference and just stopped by to say hello. We spent nearly the whole time talking about our son. That's it.
ALLISON
That's it?
FRASIER
Nothing else. She's flying home later today. As soon as her broomstick gets clearance to take off I think.
ALLISON
Good because I should hate to have to drown you in Puget Sound.
FRASIER
That makes two of us.
AS THE WAITER COMES OVER TO TAKE AN ORDER WE:
FADE OUT
(F)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2
(Frasier, Martin, Roz, Niles, Daphne, Lilith, Diane, Eddie)
MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR READING THE PAPER AS FRASIER POTTERS ABOUT THE ROOM GETTING READY FOR A DATE AND EDDIE SITS ON THE COUCH. THE ROOM DOESN'T REALLY NEED ANYTHING ELSE DONE TO IT BUT FRASIER STRAIGHTENS EVERYTHING ONCE AGAIN. HE THEN MOVES TOWARDS MARTIN
FRASIER
Stand up.
MARTIN
Can't you just dust around me? There can't be much under me.
FRASIER
I actually meant stand up and leave the apartment.
MARTIN
You're throwing me out?
FRASIER
It's not as if I'm forcing you to sleep in a cardboard box on the street corner. Just go to McGinty's I have a date.
MARTIN
Well I guess I shouldn't complain it doesn't happen very often. But hey Niles and Daphne are still here.
MARTIN STANDS AND GETS HIS COAT
FRASIER
And I'll be throwing them out next. Now off you go.
MARTIN
I'll leave when they leave.
SFX: DOORBELL
FRASIER
Who can that be? It can't be Allison it's really early. If it is her behave until you leave or I'll be throwing you out over the balcony not the door.
MARTIN
What's the big deal?
FRASIER
I'm still trying to make up to her over last night with Lilith. Having an old man swilling beer sitting in the corner will not help that.
FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS
ROZ
Hi Frasier.
FRASIER
No I'm trying to get everyone to leave not let even more people in here. Out you go.
ROZ
Thank you Mr. hospitality. I'm here for Daphne and then I'm gone.
NILES ENTERS FROM DAPHNE'S ROOM AND SITS ON THE COUCH
ROZ (CONT'D)
Oh hi Niles. Is Daphne in her room?
NILES
Yeah go on through.
ROZ EXITS TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM
FRASIER
(TO NILES) You need think you're stopping there all night dampening the mood. I have a date.
NILES
Don't worry I'm going to the pub with Daphne and Roz.
FRASIER
But you hate it.
NILES
It's taken this long for her to invite me down there I'm not going to give up now. Nearly loosing my vision won't stop me.
DAPHNE AND ROZ ENTER FROM HER ROOM
DAPHNE
Right we're all ready to go. (TO NILES) So are you coming to the pub with us tonight?
NILES
Are you sure you really want to go with me? Isn't there a chocolate cake you'd rather go with?
DAPHNE
Oh I've told you. I had to say that. At the time we were sitting with a group of sex starved liquored up women. I was hardly going to say "I actually disagree because since I've started dating you I'm having the best sex ever. But you girls enjoy your cake."
NILES
Really? The best ever?
DAPHNE
Oh dear God. I'm not having this conversation again today.
FRASIER
And it's certainly more then what I wanted to hear.
ROZ
You're telling me. There's a month of nightmares ready to be had.
FRASIER
Okay now everybody out.
FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND MARTIN, DAPHNE, NILES AND ROZ EXIT. FRASIER SHUTS THE DOOR AND STARES AT THE ROOM. HE DIMS THE LIGHTS BEFORE MOVING TO THE TABLE
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Okay wine? Check.
FRASIER POURS HIMSELF A LITTLE WINE
FRASIER (CONT'D)
And it tastes...interesting flavour. Eddie have you been licking the neck of the bottle? Don't hide your face from me. Why does this taste of essence of dog drool? It's not like tasting an essence of vanilla.
SFX: DOORBELL
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Ah, she's eager and very early. Always a good sign. (TO EDDIE) You behave yourself. A second to compose myself.
FRASIER STANDS BY THE DOOR AND COLLECTS HIMSELF. HE THEN TURNS THE STEREO ON AND THE ROOM IS FILLED WITH SOFT MUSIC
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Oh Frasier at least give her a fighting chance.
FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND LILITH ENTERS
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Ahhhhhhhhh.
LILITH
Will you stop doing that!
FRASIER
What are you doing here?
FRASIER DRAGS HER INSIDE AND SHUTS THE DOOR
LILITH
My conference ran over so I'm here until tomorrow and since you are the only person I know in the city I didn't think you'd object to spending a little time with me.
FRASIER
Well I do Allison is on her way around this evening.
LILITH
Ah yes I should have known. The dimmed lights and several bottles of wine an obvious sign that you plan to pounce on her when she's not looking.
SFX: DOORBELL
FRASIER
Oh no she's here. You've got to hide.
LILITH
I most certainly will not.
FRASIER
Oh just get in the bathroom for one moment.
LILITH RATHER RELUCTANTLY EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM. FRASIER THEN ONCE AGAIN TAKES A SECOND TO COLLECT HIMSELF. HE THEN OPENS THE DOOR AND DIANE ENTERS
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Ahhhhhhhhh.
AS FRASIER LOOKS AT DIANE IN SHOCK AND DIANE LOOKS VERY CONCERNED WE:
FADE OUT
(G)
FADE IN:
INT. FOX AND WHISTLE — EVENING — DAY/2
DAPHNE, NILES, ROZ, ANNIE AND MIA ALL SIT AS THEY DID ON THE PREVIOUS NIGHT WITH GAZ PLAYING SNOOKER. ALAN IS OF COURSE BEHIND THE BAR
GAZ
Hey Niles how's your noggin?
NILES
Just fine thanks. (TO DAPHNE) I presume he's talking about my head. Or should I be challenging him to a fight?
DAPHNE
Yes he was talking about your head.
ROZ
How did you manage to hit yourself so hard on the head with that?
NILES
The whole thing is pretty much a blur.
ROZ
Is there any chance you could do it a little harder so we have to call some paramedics. I wonder if you can ask for hot ones only.
NILES
Doubtful.
ANNIE
Forget the paramedics Gaz has got my name written all over him.
MIA
That's even truer since you got him drunk and took him to the tattoo parlour.
DAPHNE
I still find it strange that they call them tattoo parlours. You expect the Queen to pop in and have a cuppa with you while they do it to distract you.
GAZ
Anyone up for a round?
ROZ
I'll take you on.
ANNIE
This I've got to see.
ROZ, ANNIE AND MIA ALL MOVE TO THE SNOOKER TABLE WITH DAPHNE ABOUT TO FOLLOW THEM
DAPHNE
Are you coming sweetheart?
NILES
I think I'll get another drink first. I'll be right over.
NILES MOVES OVER TO THE BAR AND SITS DOWN
ALAN
What's the matter with your mug?
NILES
There's a small crack in it but other then that nothing.
ALAN
I meant your face.
NILES
Oh. Well I don't exactly fit in down here.
ALAN
Is that such a bad thing?
NILES
When you want to spend all your free time with one person yes.
ALAN
Spending a little time apart is not going to kill the pair of you. I've always thought having separate interests are good for a relationship because of the compromises it involves. And anyway when you're not here, you're still here.
NILES
What are you talking about?
ALAN
Daphne. She talks about you none stop from the moment she walks into here until the moment she leaves. I've started selling earplugs behind the bar. She was driving most of the custom away.
NILES
Really?
ALAN
As I said even when you're not here, you're still here. And what's that old expression? Absence makes the heart grow fonder?
NILES
I thought I was the psychiatrist here.
ALAN
I'm a bartender. Everyone tells me their problems. You see Derek on the end. I won't bother telling you what his wife did to him with a stoat when she found out he'd been playing away from home if you know what I mean.
NILES
No I don't think I do want to know. Although the fact that he's sitting on an inflatable cushion doesn't mean you have to be a detective to work this one out. I might just call it a night.
ALAN
I hope I see you sometime in the near future.
NILES
Maybe every now and again.
NILES WALKS OVER TO DAPHNE
NILES (CONT'D)
Daphne, I'm going to go.
DAPHNE
Why?
NILES
Because you're here with your friends and I just feel in the way and a little out of place.
DAPHNE
No you're not.
NILES
Look we can't be together all the time it's just one of those things I have to accept. At least I got to see what goes on here. But how about I see you back at my place.
DAPHNE
You've got a date. I won't be late.
NILES
Could not, would not, want to wait.
DAPHNE
I think it's time you left the beer alone.
AS THEY KISS BEFORE NILES GOES TO LEAVE WE:
FADE OUT
(H)
TITLE CARD: "WITCHCRAFT"
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2
(Frasier, Diane, Lilith, Martin, Allison, Eddie)
FRASIER SITS ON THE COUCH WITH HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS AS LILITH AND DIANE PERCH EITHER SIDE OF HIM ON THE ARMS OF THE COUCH
FRASIER
I'm not sure how much longer I can stall Allison without killing off a member of my immediate family. (TO DIANE) Now what are you doing here?
DIANE
Allison? Who is Allison?
LILITH
New girlfriend.
DIANE
Oh really? Have you met her?
LILITH
Briefly.
DIANE
Ooh what's she like?
FRASIER
If you don't mind I don't think it's terribly appropriate for you two to be discussing my love life.
DIANE
Why not?
FRASIER
How about because you both dumped me and then jumped up and down on my heart in your high heeled shoes until there was no life left in it.
LILITH
Well if you call that a reason.
FRASIER
(TO LILITH) I know why you are here. (TO DIANE) What are you doing here?
DIANE
I was in the area and...
FRASIER
(SHOUTS) Why? Why were you in the area? Why is everyone suddenly descending on Seattle like a plague of locusts? What have I done to offend the Gods?
DIANE
I didn't think you'd mind. It's just a quick lay over before I go to Hawaii for a few days with my new beau. You always said you'd be here for me when I needed you.
LILITH
He said that to me as well.
FRASIER
And now how I regret those words.
DIANE
Frasier I really need to talk to you about my new love interest before I make another mistake.
FRASIER
What apart from coming here tonight? Oh fine go ahead.
DIANE
I'd rather do it without witnesses.
LILITH
I believe I was here first.
DIANE
What does that have to do with anything?
LILITH
I think I have more claim here. At least I did marry him.
DIANE
I was confused and emotionally unbalanced and in love with another man.
LILITH
How is that different from every other day of your life?
FRASIER
Why do I feel as if I've stumbled upon the Twilight Zone?
DIANE
I don't really want you to hear this Lilith.
FRASIER
I don't even want to hear this. I just want my date to go smoothly for once in my life. Is that too much to ask?
SFX: DOORBELL
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Apparently so. That's her. What am I going to do? Both of you hide. I'll take her out of the room and you can both call me tomorrow.
FRASIER STARTS TO PUSH THEM BOTH TOWARDS THE KITCHEN
DIANE
But Frasier...
FRASIER
Both of you in the kitchen. Nope of second thoughts there's always a chance you'll set each other on fire.
FRASIER PUSHES DIANE TOWARDS THE KITCHEN AND SHE EXITS BEFORE HE LEADS LILITH TO THE BATHROOM
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Lilith into the bathroom.
LILITH EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM BEFORE FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND MARTIN ENTERS
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Dad what are you doing here?
MARTIN
The cable's gone out at McGinty's so I've come back to take Eddie out.
FRASIER
Why were you ringing the bell?
MARTIN
I left my keys in my other pants.
FRASIER
Oh right well off you go.
MARTIN
Just a second I need to
MARTIN OPENS THE BATHROOM DOOR AND SEES LILITH
MARTIN (CONT'D)
Ahhhhhhhhh!
LILITH
Hello again Martin.
MARTIN
I'm sorry, I thought you'd gone back to Boston.
LILITH
It ran over.
MARTIN
Oh well that's nice. I'm off the take Eddie out after I've had a very badly needed beer.
MARTIN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN
FRASIER
Wait for it, it's coming.
MARTIN
(OFF STAGE) Ahhhhhhhhh
FRASIER
There it is.
MARTIN ENTERS LOOKING COMPLETELY FREAKED WITH DIANE FOLLOWING HIM
DIANE
I'm so sorry to startle you Martin.
MARTIN GRABS EDDIE AND SPRINTS TO THE FRONT DOOR AS FAST AS HE CAN
MARTIN
Going to the dog park. Call me when it's safe to come home.
FRASIER
The dog park isn't exactly going to be safe at this time of night.
MARTIN
Trust me it's safer then here.
MARTIN AND EDDIE EXIT
FRASIER
Okay now the pair of you off you go.
DIANE
But Frasier...
FRASIER
But Frasier nothing. The pair of you have done nothing but plague my life. Now when I finally get to the point when I can truly move on without either of you as baggage and find a woman that I honestly like and can see a future with you show up and try to crap all over it. Now why don't you both call me in the morning and I will give you both my undue attention and support.
DIANE
Fine.
LILITH
I think crap was a bit strong.
FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR FOR THEM TO LEAVE AND ALLISON ENTERS
FRASIER
Allison!
LILITH
We were just leaving. Nice to see you again. Goodbye.
LILITH AND DIANE EXIT AND FRASIER SHUTS THE DOOR
FRASIER
I can explain.
ALLISON
I should hope so. Now who was the other woman? Your first wife?
FRASIER
No actually I never married Diane. She left me at the alter before I had a chance.
ALLISON
I bet you can guess why I'm freaked out by this.
FRASIER
Yes I can. Okay time for an explanation. I'm not going to lie to you. They have both played very big parts in my life and I'm here for them whenever they need me and I hope vice versa. Neither is something that happens very often. But nothing is and never will be going on. The fact that one slept with my best friend and the other my brother may tip you off as to why. So are we going to be okay?
ALLISON
I'm going to be fine. Are you?
FRASIER
Yes.
ALLISON
Then I guess we'll be okay.
AS FRASIER GETS THEM BOTH A GLASS OF WINE WE:
FADE OUT
(I)
FADE IN:
INT. FOX AND WHISTLE — EVENING — DAY/2
(Roz, Daphne, Alan, Donny)
DAPHNE AND ROZ SIT AT THE BAR WHICH IS NOW A LOT LESS CROWDED. AS ALAN POTTERS ABOUT BEHIND THE BAR ROZ FINISHES HER DRINK AND STANDS TO LEAVE
ROZ
I have to relieve my babysitter. I'll speak to you tomorrow. Bye Daphne.
DAPHNE
Bye Roz.
ROZ EXITS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR
ALAN
Can I get you another Daph?
DAPHNE
No I'm going to finish this and then I'm off home.
DONNY ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND GLANCES AROUND THE PLACE
ALAN
Don't I know him?
DAPHNE TURNS AROUND TO SEE
DAPHNE
Oh my God Donny!
DONNY
Daphne!
DAPHNE
What are you doing here?
DONNY
I was just walking past. Well to be perfectly honest I saw it and thought about having a quick drink here for old times sake. I didn't expect to run into you here.
DAPHNE
That makes two of us.
A BEAT
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
How are you?
DONNY
Not bad. You?
DAPHNE
Fine thank you.
A BEAT
DONNY
I see you've finally got a ring on that finger. Still Niles?
DAPHNE
Of course.
DONNY
Of course. Can I get you a drink?
DAPHNE
Erm...well I was just...oh go on then. Just a quick one.
DONNY SITS NEXT TO DAPHNE AT THE BAR AS ROZ ENTERS BUT ON SEEING DONNY STAYS BY THE ENTRANCE
ALAN
I thought you'd left.
ROZ
Forgot my coat. Well bye again.
ROZ TAKES HER COAT OFF THE PEG BY THE ENTRANCE AND EXITS AGAIN AS WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWOCLOSING CREDITS: MARTIN ENTERS INTO THE LIVING ROOM THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR LOOKING A LITTLE NERVOUS. HE HANGS HIS COAT UP AND THEN GOES TO THE BATHROOM DOOR. HE PLUCKS UP THE COURAGE TO OPEN IT AND IS RELIEVED TO SEE THAT NO ONE IS THERE. HE THEN GOES TO THE KITCHEN AND LOOKS INSIDE AND IS ONCE AGAIN RELIEVED TO SEE THAT NO ONE IS THERE.
