I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.

This is what I had in mind when I read the cast list for the season nine premiere — how wrong I was! I apologise for the amount of English expression that creep into this one, but they felt right coming from certain characters. Feedback is like the Holy Grail, I'm forever looking for it, so please send any to kelly_simba@hotmail.com

Enjoy...


Frasier
Alternative Season Nine Episode Eighteen
Wives and Lovers

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

TITLE CARD: "WELL SHE CAN THROW THE BALL LIKE SHE'S IN THE MAJOR'S"

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Allison, Frasier, Roz, Virginia, Man)

FRASIER AND ALLISON SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF NERVOSA, WITH FRASIER FACING THE DOOR, DRINKING COFFEE AND IN MID CONVERSATION

ALLISON

The show was going fine apart from the nymphomaniac clown, unfortunately named 'Willy Drop It', that they also hired as entertainment turning up drunk without his pants and trying to grope one of the Grandmother's there. She was a little a surprised to say the least. She nearly swallowed her false teeth. It's very hard to attempt the Heimlich manoeuvre on an eighty-year-old woman; they have the tendency to break very easily. So everything was going pretty much fine that was until disaster struck.

FRASIER

Another bouncing castle filled with helium?

ALLISON

Oh I wish. Children floating away to the heavens never to be seen again except for on the sides of milk cartons would have been a picnic compared to what followed. I guess I was being a little too aggressive with my puppet. So aggressive in fact that while we were having our little traditional mock argument about how old the birthday girl actually was that I shook him a little too violently and his head fell off.

FRASIER

Oh dear. I take it that didn't go down well.

ALLISON

His head went down like a ton of bricks and it fell into the birthday girl's bowl of jello that was unfortunately placed on her lap at the time. The fact that it was red jello made it look as if I'd split his head open to make matters worse. I have never heard such screaming or seen such wetting of pants since I did that performance at the retirement home. It's going to take me forever to dry his head out.

FRASIER

Don't worry about it. The same thing happens to me all the time. You get used to it.

ALLISON

Your head falls off in the middle of a show?

FRASIER

No I mean my audience has the habit of screaming and wetting themselves.

ALLISON

Ah now I know why you're not still in private practice.

FRASIER

At least you get free jello when it happens to you. I just used to get nauseous and a skin rash that itched like the devil.

ALLISON

You have such romantic stories. I'll be right back.

ROZ ENTERS AS ALLISON STANDS UP, KISSES FRASIER AND EXITS TO THE BATHROOM

ROZ

Who was that you were trying to choke?

ROZ SITS DOWN AT FRASIER'S TABLE WITH HER BACK TOWARDS THE DOOR IN THE SEAT VACATED BY ALLISON

FRASIER

Allison.

ROZ

That's still going on? She doesn't have anymore demon puppets that are terrifying the life out of you? There are no Stephen King IT clowns hiding in the closet?

FRASIER

Yes she does but I've put that behind me and moved on.

ROZ

You've been self-medicating haven't you?

FRASIER

No! Well just a small Valium every now and then to relax me.

ROZ

That's how it starts. You'll be hooked on vitamins and dietary supplements next. Selling your antique pieces of crap and lying to your family because you can't get enough vitamin c and cod liver oil.

FRASIER

That's very amusing. You can go now.

ROZ

Why can't I sit here? Afraid I'm going to embarrass you?

FRASIER

No I'm afraid you're going to embarrass yourself.

ROZ

Fine then I'll move.

ROZ STANDS UP AND GOES TO MOVE AS VIRGINIA ENTERS

FRASIER

No wait sit back down.

ROZ SITS BACKS DOWN LOOKING A LITTLE CONFUSED

ROZ

You have more mood swings then a heavily pregnant elephant. You'll be crying your eyes out and then laughing hysterically next.

FRASIER

Virginia Barker just walked in.

ROZ

Who?

ROZ TURNS AROUND THE LOOK

FRASIER

Don't look. I said don't look.

ROZ

Why will direct eye contact with her turn me into a pillar of salt? Oh right I remember her. You two had a thing didn't you?

FRASIER

Yes now don't let her see me.

FRASIER STARTS TO HIDE HIS FACE AND SLUMP DOWN IN HIS SEAT

ROZ

I'm sorry I've forgotten my invisibility spell. Do you want me to sit on you or just cover you with a fire blanket?

FRASIER

(BEGINNING TO PANIC) She's coming over. What am I going to do? Hit me with a bolt of lightening! Anything.

VIRGINIA SEES FRASIER AND RATHER RELUCTANTLY APPROACHES HIM ON HER WAY TO THE COUNTER

FRASIER (CONT'D)

(OOZING CHARM) Virginian hello.

VIRGINIA

Frasier Crane. How lovely to see you again. I'm debating if I really mean that. I'm guessing probably not.

FRASIER

No we didn't part on good terms did we?

VIRGINIA

You parted on good terms, I parted with my dress on fire and so stressed by the whole experience that I lost the majority of my hair and not just on my head.

FRASIER

Yes well it looks great now. (REALISING) I mean on your head.

VIRGINIA

I still have to wear a wig.

FRASIER

Ah well at least you save on having expensive haircuts.

VIRGINIA GLARES AT FRASIER BEFORE MOVING TO THE COUNTER. FRASIER COVERS HIS FACE WITH SHAME

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Did I just say that?

ROZ

Yes you did.

ALLISON ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM AND SITS BACK DOWN IN BETWEEN FRASIER AND ROZ

ALLISON

And I'm back. Hi Roz isn't it?

ROZ

That's right. Nice to see you again Allison. Well I'll get out of your hair. (REALISING) Sorry. I'll leave you two alone.

FRASIER

No you're not leaving are you?

ROZ

See mood swings. And you complain I'm hormonal which by the way I'm not. Stop self-medicating.

ALLISON

What's going on?

VIRGINIA RETURNS TO THE TABLE WITH HER COFFEE

VIRGINIA

Well I wish I could say it was a pleasure seeing you again Frasier but it really hasn't been. As you'll notice my eye twitch has resurfaced. My advice to you ladies would be to run far, run fast before he sets fire to something a little bit more important then a floral patterned dress.

VIRGINIA EXITS AS ALLISON STARES AFTER HER COMPLETELY LOST

FRASIER

(SHOUTS) I said I was sorry. I tried to put it out.

ALLISON

What was that about?

ROZ

He set her on fire while they were dating.

ALLISON

What?

FRASIER

It was only one date and it wasn't as bad as she makes it out to be. There was barely a flame. Just some major singeing.

ALLISON

Does this often happen to you when you are out?

ROZ

What running into people he's dated or set fire to?

FRASIER

Weren't you about to go and sit somewhere else? Trust me it never happens. Well except this one time.

ROZ

The women he's dated a few and far between. A blind racoon is more likely to find a trashcan every now and then, then you are of running into someone Frasier's dated.

FRASIER

Unlike you where you can't throw a stone without hitting at least one person you've slept with.

ROZ

I'll admit I've sown a few wild oats in my time.

FRASIER

A few? You could apply for a farmer's loan.

ROZ LOOKS AROUND THE CAFÉ

ROZ

That's a lie. I haven't slept with anyone in here.

A MAN ENTERS AND WAVES TO ROZ FROM ACROSS THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM

MAN

Oh hey Roz.

ROZ

Hi David.

FRASIER GIVES A SELF SATISFIED GRIN

ROZ (CONT'D)

(TO FRASIER) Oh shut up! At least I haven't set any of them on fire.

AS FRASIER'S SMILE FADES WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/1
(Martin, Daphne, Niles, Frasier, Lilith)

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR WATCHING THE TELEVISION WITH NILES SLUMPED ON THE COUCH AND DAPHNE STANDING BY THE ISLAND DRESSED UP PUTTING SOME EAR RINGS IN

MARTIN

(TO DAPHNE) How come you're getting all dressed up?

DAPHNE

Aren't I allowed to look nice?

MARTIN

Well I guess.

DAPHNE

Gee you really know how to make a girl feel special don't you. I'm meeting the girls down the pub for a bit of a booze up.

MARTIN

And you're going in a suit?

DAPHNE

I'm not wearing a suit. Do you need your eyes checked again? How many fingers am I holding up? We don't want you getting to the stage where you mistake a bottle of beer for the drain cleaner again. You haven't been able to taste the difference between my pot roast and braised steak since the last time.

MARTIN

(QUIETLY) Thank God. I was talking to Niles.

NILES

I'm not going to the pub. I'm not allowed to go down there and see what sort of antics she takes part in on her own.

DAPHNE

You make it sound as if I go down there to get people drunk and steal their organs while they're unconscious. I don't have a habit of taking some operating utensils out with me and returning with bits of intestine in a brown paper bag. Eddie would have found them and eaten them by now for starters.

NILES

How would I know what happens?

MARTIN

Oh don't worry about it Niles. The same thing happened with your mom and me. She'd never take me to her hangout to be with her friends.

NILES

That's because the first and only time that she did take you down there you called for backup thinking they were selling drugs.

MARTIN

There was white powder by the kitchen door. I thought it was cocaine. You'd have made the same mistake.

NILES

It was flour and not to mention at the time the most exclusive restaurant in the city. They'd made mom a birthday cake. And excuse me but a cop doesn't know the difference between flour and cocaine?

MARTIN

I was a cop not a narcotics expert.

NILES

Evidently. If you were you wouldn't have had the bartender pinned up the wall searching for your rubber glove while mom sat in the corner and hid her face in shame and denied you were with her.

DAPHNE SITS NEXT TO NILES ON THE COUCH AND TAKES HIS HAND

DAPHNE

Niles I've never taken you down there before because I never thought you'd like it. Hanging around in a smoky pub with a bunch of liquored up Englishmen has never exactly been your thing.

NILES

I know but there's a whole part of your life down there that I don't know about and missing out on.

DAPHNE

Fine, come down with me tonight and try it out. At least it will stop you from pulling that face and I'd love to have you there. It'll give me a chance to show you off.

NILES

That's great well apart from feeling a little like I'm about to take part in a dog show. Am I properly attired to go?

DAPHNE

Not exactly. You've got all your teeth and a too few tattoos. And that's just some of the prettier women.

FRASIER ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR

FRASIER

Hello all.

MARTIN

You're back late.

FRASIER

I was in Nervosa with Allison trying to prove to her that I'm not some sort of professional womaniser.

NILES

You're dating her. Surely she already knows that.

FRASIER

We ran into Virginia down there and Allison was just a little concerned about running into any other ex's of mine in the near future.

NILES

Like that's likely.

MARTIN

Virginia?

DAPHNE

Isn't she the one who's dog you killed?

FRASIER

It was her fault not mine. What kind of woman let's her dog run around outside while someone is trying to back their car out? But anyway no it's not her.

NILES

Isn't she the one you set on fire?

FRASIER

It was hardly a fire and once again that was her fault.

MARTIN

How was that her fault?

FRASIER

She's the one that started the fire.

NILES

But that was in the fireplace.

DAPHNE

I hardly expect that when she did that she was expecting you to hurl her towards it.

FRASIER

I thought I saw a rat.

DAPHNE

Speaking of places with rats. Let's loosen you up a little if you still want to go to the pub. If they see you in a tie they'll think you're the health investigator again.

NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT TO HER ROOM

MARTIN

Was Allison okay with it?

FRASIER

I think so. It was just a little jarring running into her.

MARTIN

I bet it was and I think alcohol is needed.

MARTIN STANDS AND GOES TO EXIT TO THE KITCHEN

FRASIER

No honestly I'm fine with it.

MARTIN

I mean for me. After hearing about your pitiful love life I need something to help drown my sorrows.

MARTIN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN AS FRASIER HANGS UP HIS COAT ON THE PEG

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER CROSSES TO OPEN THE FRONT DOOR AND LILITH ENTERS. FRASIER IS OBVIOUSLY STARTLED TO SEE HER AND SHOUTS

FRASIER

Ahhhhhhhhh.

LILITH

That's a wonderful greeting. Do you normally scream and send spittle into the eye of everyone who rings on your doorbell?

FRASIER

No of course not. I'm sorry. I'm just a little surprised to see you. What are you doing here?

LILITH

Currently standing out in a hallway. May I come in?

FRASIER LETS LILITH IN AND CLOSES THE DOOR

FRASIER

Of course. I'm sorry. So what are you doing here?

LILITH

I have a conference to attend tomorrow in Tacoma.

FRASIER

(WORRIED) Really?

LILITH

I'm not here to sleep with you Frasier.

FRASIER

Oh thank God. I'm so relieved.

LILITH

That was certainly flattering. Be still my beating heart.

MARTIN ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AND IS ALSO STARTLED TO SEE LILITH

MARTIN

Ahhhhhhhhh.

LILITH

And so was that.

MARTIN

Lilith! What are you doing here?

LILITH

You can stop holding your cane in such an aggressive and threatening manner I'm here for a conference tomorrow and thought it would be a good idea to pay a visit to the man with which I created a child.

MARTIN

You can make anything sound romantic.

DAPHNE ENTERS LOOKING THROUGH HER BAG AND CALLING BACK TO NILES

DAPHNE

Come along then or we'll miss happy hour. (LOOKING UP AND SEEING LILITH) Ahhhhhhhhh.

NILES ENTERS CONCERNED ABOUT THE SCREAMING

NILES

What's the matter has...(SEEING LILITH) Ahhhhhhhhh

LILITH

Is this the new way to say hello good to see you in Seattle or have you all suddenly developed Tourette's syndrome?

NILES

I was just a little surprised that's all. What are you doing here?

LILITH

Conference.

DAPHNE

That's nice well we were just on our way out.

NILES AND DAPHNE QUICKLY MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE FRONT DOOR TRYING DESPERATELY TO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH LILITH

LILITH

I understand congratulations are in order.

NILES

(WORRIED) Why?

LILITH

Frederick said you got engaged.

DAPHNE

Oh yes. Thanks.

LILITH SHAKES DAPHNE'S HAND BUT IS UNABLE TO SHAKE NILES' AS HE'S TOO CLOSE TO THE FRONT DOOR WAITING TO ESCAPE. DAPHNE MAKES HER WAY TO THE FRONT DOOR AND THEY GO TO EXIT

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Hold me purse for me will you please Niles.

NILES TAKES HER PURSE

NILES

Sure. Why?

DAPHNE

All my right hand side of my body has just gone numb.

DAPHNE RUBS THE HAND THAT LILITH SHOOK AS SHE AND NILES EXIT

MARTIN

So how long are you here for?

LILITH

The white flags can come out tomorrow evening. I'm only here as a favour to a colleague who's speech I promised to attend.

FRASIER

I wish I knew you were coming. I would have prepared something to eat and drink.

MARTIN

(SOTTO TO FRASIER) And a fully loaded shotgun.

LILITH

Actually I was thinking if you'd like to, would you like to go out and have dinner with me?

FRASIER

(WORRIED) Dinner? You and me? Just the two of us? Alone?

LILITH

I've told you I don't want to sleep with you.

FRASIER

I was just checking.

AS FRASIER GETS HIS COAT WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

FADE IN:

INT. RESTAURANT — EVENING — DAY/1
(Frasier, Lilith, Roz, Allison)

FRASIER AND LILITH SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF A HEAVING RESTAURANT LOOKING AT THEIR MENUS

FRASIER

Is Freddie doing better in school?

LILITH

He's back on track.

FRASIER

That's certainly good to hear. And how have you been?

LILITH

I'm fine thank you.

FRASIER

Have you been seeing anyone recently?

LILITH

I have as a matter of fact. (THEN) It's someone from Cheers.

FRASIER

Oh my God! Who? It's Sam isn't it? For the love of God don't let it be Cliff. Okay answer me one question. Is he better?

LILITH

Frasier I'm joking. When have I ever dated beer-swilling oafs?

FRASIER

I was a bar fly when we met remember.

LILITH

Yes and we got divorced, need I say anymore. So how about yourself? Are you dating?

FRASIER

I have been seeing someone actually but it's really too early to say anything.

LILITH

Why is it too early? Is she below the legal age limit?

FRASIER

Of course not.

LILITH

Because it has been brought to my attention that the older that you get the younger your girlfriends get. How long will it be before you're hanging around the maternity wards looking for some action?

FRASIER

I just don't want to tempt fate.

LILITH

What does she do for a living if that's not tempting the devils too much to conspire against your relationship?

FRASIER

If you must know she's a ventriloquist.

LILITH

Really? How very interesting. Looking for another woman to take charge of the relationship and handle you like the puppet you so often are?

FRASIER

No! Her profession has nothing to do with our relationship.

FRASIER SEES ROZ APPROACHES THE TABLE

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Oh no.

LILITH

Once again that wasn't my foot. It's the leg of the table. There's a trick to telling the difference. One of them is wood but I'm not going to tell you which. Stop being such an egomaniac.

FRASIER

No I can see Roz coming towards us.

LILITH

And you're ashamed to be seen with me.

FRASIER

Not at all.

ROZ REACHES THE TABLE BEHIND LILITH

ROZ

Hi Frasier. Allison what have you done to your...(SEEING THAT IT'S ACTUALLY LILITH) Ahhhhhhhhh.

LILITH

Will everyone stop doing that! Yes I'm here. I'm not the wicked witch of the north. Just deal with it.

ROZ

I'm sorry I was just a little...

LILITH

Let me guess just a little surprised.

ROZ

Yeah well I'll let you get back to your dinner and I'll get back to mine.

LILITH TURNS TO LOOK AT HER DATE

LILITH

He looks delicious. Well if you'll excuse me while I go to the powder room.

LILITH EXITS TO THE BATHROOM BEFORE ROZ SITS IN HER CHAIR

ROZ

I should have gone with her to finally see if she actually has a reflection when she looks in the mirror. What is going on?

FRASIER

She has a conference tomorrow and just dropped by to say hello and give me several strokes in the process.

ROZ

Don't let Allison see you with her.

FRASIER

And what are the chances of that happening?

ROZ

I guess you're right.

ALLISON ENTERS AND SEEING FRASIER STARTS TO WALK TO HIM

FRASIER

Oh dear God.

ROZ

She's here isn't she?

FRASIER

Is there only one restaurant in the entire city of Seattle?! Have all the others burnt down while we've been in here?! Where are you going?

ROZ

This could get ugly I'm going to get a ring side seat. Can you turn around slightly so I can see your reaction from my table?

ROZ QUICKLY GOES BACK TO HER TABLE AS ALLISON REACHES FRASIER'S

ALLISON

Frasier hi! What are you doing here? Are you here with your brother?

FRASIER

Not exactly. What are you doing here?

ALLISON

My sister flew in from out of town. I told you she was coming.

LILITH ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM AND SITS STRAIGHT DOWN PICKING UP HER MENU

LILITH

Finally someone wants to take our order. I'll have the...

FRASIER

Actually Lilith this is Allison my girlfriend. Allison this is Lilith...my ex wife.

ALLISON

Your ex wife? Well this is certainly a surprise.

FRASIER

You have no idea.

ALLISON

Well don't let me disturb you. I'll speak to you tomorrow.

ALLISON MAKES HER WAY BACK TO THE ENTRANCE

LILITH

I'm sensing that didn't go well.

AS FRASIER HIDES HIS FACE IN HIS MENU WE:

FADE OUT

(D)

FADE IN:

INT. FOX AND WHISTLE — EVENING — DAY/1
(Daphne, Niles, Alan, Annie, Mia, Gaz)

DAPHNE AND NILES ENTER THE CROWDED PUB. NILES LOOKS A LITTLE MORE CASUAL NOW AFTER HAVING REMOVED HIS TIE AND UNBUTTONED HIS SHIRT A LITTLE. ALAN, A BARTENDER WORKS AWAY BEHIND THE BAR TO THE RIGHT HAND SIDE. ANNIE AND MIA SIT BY THE WALL AND NEXT TO THE SNOOKER TABLE ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE WITH A LARGE CAKE IN FRONT OF THEM AS GAZ SETS THE BALLS ON THE TABLE OUT

DAPHNE

Okay now any complaining and you can go home.

NILES

When do I ever complain? (THINKING) Oh all right I'll rephrase. When do I ever complain about somewhere that you take me?

DAPHNE LEADS NILES TO THE BAR

ALAN

All right Daphne.

DAPHNE

All right Alan.

ALAN

You're a bit late. The girls have already got a head start on you. You've missed two rounds. They're completely off their trolleys.

NILES

They're what?

ALAN

Hello. Who's this then?

DAPHNE

Niles this is Alan. Alan this is Niles, my fiancé.

NILES

How do you do.

NILES AND ALAN SHAKE HANDS

ALAN

Blimey so this is the famous Niles. I was beginning to wonder if we'd ever get a butchers at you.

NILES

A what?

ALAN

A butchers.

DAPHNE

Butchers hook. Look.

NILES

Oh right. I often wondered if I'd get a look at this place.

ALAN

Can I get you a bevy?

DAPHNE

Can I have the usual Alan please.

ALAN

Sure one pint coming up.

NILES

A pint? You're drinking beer?

DAPHNE

It's not the sherry kind of place sweetheart.

ALAN

I think I may have a bottle of sherry somewhere back here.

ALAN FINDS A DUSTY BOTTLE ON THE SHELF AND PLACES IT IN FRONT OF NILES

ALAN (CONT'D)

Here we are. It's a little old. And the cap seems to have been replaced with play dough. But it smells normal enough. Well within a degree or two. Here you smell it.

ALAN THRUSTS THE BOTTLE AT NILES SO HE HAS TO SMELL IT RESULTING IN NILES LOOKING AS IF HE'S GOING TO BE SICK

NILES

I think I'll just have a beer.

ANNIE

(SHOUTS) Daphne! There you are. Come here.

DAPHNE MOVES ACROSS THE ROOM TO JOIN THEM

ALAN

There you go me old man. Actually I'm glad you're here, maybe you can stop your trouble and strife and her mates from getting a little rowdy.

NILES LOOKS AT HIS CONFUSED

ALAN (CONT'D)

(EXPLAINING) Trouble and strife. Wife.

ALAN FINISHES POURING THEIR PINTS AND GIVES THEM TO NILES

ANNIE

Is that Niles?

DAPHNE

Yeah. He wanted to come and I finally agreed. Please be gentle with him. Niles, come here.

NILES WALKS OVER TO THEM, HANDS DAPHNE HER DRINK BEFORE SITTING DOWN

NILES

Good evening ladies.

ANNIE

It's a surprise to see you down here.

NILES

Well I thought I'd have a butchers at the old place with my future trouble and strife here.

DAPHNE

And I think you've had enough of that.

DAPHNE MOVES NILES' DRINK AWAY FROM HIM

MIA

Hi I'm Mia. I must say you're not exactly what I expected.

NILES

I'm not sure if I should take that in a good way or a bad way.

MIA

(FLIRTING) Oh definitely a good way.

DAPHNE

Oh all right back off he's spoken for. I smell more fresh meat over there for you to attack.

ANNIE

Daphne, as promised after we beat him at snooker Alan brought us this. Double chocolate fudge cake. Don't you just want to rub it all over your body?

ANNIE AND DAPHNE START TO EAT SOME OF THE CAKE

DAPHNE

But then you wouldn't be able to reach all places to eat it.

ANNIE

Oh believe me I'd find a way.

MIA

Heaven in pudding form.

DAPHNE

God who said eating chocolate was like having sex.

ANNIE

Someone who obviously wasn't getting any.

NILES

What sex?

ANNIE

No chocolate. This is far better then any sexual experience I've ever had and I'll admit I've had a few in the last few days that spring to mind.

DAPHNE

Oh me too...(REALISING THAT NILES IS LISTENING AND COVERING) I mean Mia try some.

GAZ WALKS OVER TO THEM WITH TWO SNOOKER CUES

GAZ

All right love. Who's this you've brought with you? Your lawyer?

DAPHNE

This is my fiancé Niles, Niles this is Gaz.

NILES

It's a pleasure.

THEY SHAKES HANDS

GAZ

So you're Daphne's old man. Fancy a game of snooker?

NILES

I'm not really the sportsman.

GAZ

Come on. We need one more.

NILES

Okay then.

NILES STANDS AND FOLLOWS GAZ TO THE TABLE WHERE HE GIVES HIM HIS CUE

DAPHNE

This can only end in disaster.

ANNIE

What damage can he do to himself playing snooker?

DAPHNE

You're right. It's not like he can impale himself.

NILES GOES TO TAKE A SHOT BUT UNFORTUNATELY MISSES THE BALL, WHACKS THE CUE AGAINST THE TABLE INSTEAD CAUSING IT TO REBOUND UP AND HIT HIM IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS FOREHEAD. HE THEN STUMBLES BACK A LITTLE STUNNED

ANNIE

Only knock himself out.

AS DAPHNE SHAKES HER HEAD AT HIM WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(E)

TITLE CARD: "IT COULD BE WORSE, THE COMPETITION COULD BE A RAW CHICKEN"

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/2
(Frasier, Niles, Allison)

FRASIER AND NILES SIT BY THE WINDOW IN NERVOSA. NEITHER OF THEM LOOK PARTICULARLY HAPPY

FRASIER

What is wrong with your head?

NILES

I might have hit myself in the head with a snooker cue several times last night.

FRASIER

Might have?

NILES

All right I did. I nearly blinded myself with the chalk. Why aren't there safety warnings printed on those things?

FRASIER

Maybe they thought most people would know not to beat themselves about the head with it. So how were things at the pub?

NILES

(OBVIOUSLY LYING) It was great. Fantastic. I had the time of my life.

FRASIER

You come back looking as if you could do with some emergency cosmetic surgery to remove that dent from your forehead and you claim you had a fantastic time?

NILES

Oh all right it was hellish.

FRASIER

Then why did you put yourself through it?

NILES

I just want to be with her.

FRASIER

So much so that you decided to beat yourself about the head with a snooker cue.

NILES

And I drank beer.

FRASIER

Dear God you will go to any extreme to be with her won't you?

NILES

And to make matters worse I now have to try to out perform a double chocolate fudge cake in bed.

FRASIER

I don't even want to know what that means.

NILES

So how was your evening? I take it since you're still in one piece you didn't sleep with her.

FRASIER

Oh it was much worse then that.

NILES

How could it be possibly worse then that?

FRASIER

I took her out to dinner and we ran into Allison.

NILES

You're joking.

FRASIER

If only I were.

NILES

What happened?

FRASIER

Allison was a little shocked to say the least.

NILES

I'm not surprised. Seeing a person with virtually no skin pigmentation for the first time is bound to be startling.

FRASIER

She went off before I had a proper chance to explain what was going on. I have to admit that it did look a little incriminating.

NILES

You were just having dinner. Surely she'll understand that after you've had a chance to explain. It wasn't as if Lilith had her foot in your mouth. (THEN) She didn't did she?

FRASIER

No.

NILES

I just thought I'd check.

ALLISON ENTERS ALSO LOOKING QUITE MISERABLE

ALLISON

Good afternoon Frasier, Niles.

NILES STANDS TO LEAVE

NILES

Afternoon. Well I should be going I have a patient. Although maybe he'd like to switch and listen to my problems this afternoon for a change.

ALLISON

What happened to your head?

NILES

Snooker cue.

ALLISON

Okay interesting.

NILES EXITS AND ALLISON SITS IN THE NOW VACATED SEAT

FRASIER

I'm so glad you came.

ALLISON

Me too. Explanation please. What were you doing with your ex wife? And don't say having dinner.

FRASIER

She's flown in for a conference and just stopped by to say hello. We spent nearly the whole time talking about our son. That's it.

ALLISON

That's it?

FRASIER

Nothing else. She's flying home later today. As soon as her broomstick gets clearance to take off I think.

ALLISON

Good because I should hate to have to drown you in Puget Sound.

FRASIER

That makes two of us.

AS THE WAITER COMES OVER TO TAKE AN ORDER WE:

FADE OUT

(F)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2
(Frasier, Martin, Roz, Niles, Daphne, Lilith, Diane, Eddie)

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR READING THE PAPER AS FRASIER POTTERS ABOUT THE ROOM GETTING READY FOR A DATE AND EDDIE SITS ON THE COUCH. THE ROOM DOESN'T REALLY NEED ANYTHING ELSE DONE TO IT BUT FRASIER STRAIGHTENS EVERYTHING ONCE AGAIN. HE THEN MOVES TOWARDS MARTIN

FRASIER

Stand up.

MARTIN

Can't you just dust around me? There can't be much under me.

FRASIER

I actually meant stand up and leave the apartment.

MARTIN

You're throwing me out?

FRASIER

It's not as if I'm forcing you to sleep in a cardboard box on the street corner. Just go to McGinty's I have a date.

MARTIN

Well I guess I shouldn't complain it doesn't happen very often. But hey Niles and Daphne are still here.

MARTIN STANDS AND GETS HIS COAT

FRASIER

And I'll be throwing them out next. Now off you go.

MARTIN

I'll leave when they leave.

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER

Who can that be? It can't be Allison it's really early. If it is her behave until you leave or I'll be throwing you out over the balcony not the door.

MARTIN

What's the big deal?

FRASIER

I'm still trying to make up to her over last night with Lilith. Having an old man swilling beer sitting in the corner will not help that.

FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS

ROZ

Hi Frasier.

FRASIER

No I'm trying to get everyone to leave not let even more people in here. Out you go.

ROZ

Thank you Mr. hospitality. I'm here for Daphne and then I'm gone.

NILES ENTERS FROM DAPHNE'S ROOM AND SITS ON THE COUCH

ROZ (CONT'D)

Oh hi Niles. Is Daphne in her room?

NILES

Yeah go on through.

ROZ EXITS TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM

FRASIER

(TO NILES) You need think you're stopping there all night dampening the mood. I have a date.

NILES

Don't worry I'm going to the pub with Daphne and Roz.

FRASIER

But you hate it.

NILES

It's taken this long for her to invite me down there I'm not going to give up now. Nearly loosing my vision won't stop me.

DAPHNE AND ROZ ENTER FROM HER ROOM

DAPHNE

Right we're all ready to go. (TO NILES) So are you coming to the pub with us tonight?

NILES

Are you sure you really want to go with me? Isn't there a chocolate cake you'd rather go with?

DAPHNE

Oh I've told you. I had to say that. At the time we were sitting with a group of sex starved liquored up women. I was hardly going to say "I actually disagree because since I've started dating you I'm having the best sex ever. But you girls enjoy your cake."

NILES

Really? The best ever?

DAPHNE

Oh dear God. I'm not having this conversation again today.

FRASIER

And it's certainly more then what I wanted to hear.

ROZ

You're telling me. There's a month of nightmares ready to be had.

FRASIER

Okay now everybody out.

FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND MARTIN, DAPHNE, NILES AND ROZ EXIT. FRASIER SHUTS THE DOOR AND STARES AT THE ROOM. HE DIMS THE LIGHTS BEFORE MOVING TO THE TABLE

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Okay wine? Check.

FRASIER POURS HIMSELF A LITTLE WINE

FRASIER (CONT'D)

And it tastes...interesting flavour. Eddie have you been licking the neck of the bottle? Don't hide your face from me. Why does this taste of essence of dog drool? It's not like tasting an essence of vanilla.

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Ah, she's eager and very early. Always a good sign. (TO EDDIE) You behave yourself. A second to compose myself.

FRASIER STANDS BY THE DOOR AND COLLECTS HIMSELF. HE THEN TURNS THE STEREO ON AND THE ROOM IS FILLED WITH SOFT MUSIC

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Oh Frasier at least give her a fighting chance.

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND LILITH ENTERS

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Ahhhhhhhhh.

LILITH

Will you stop doing that!

FRASIER

What are you doing here?

FRASIER DRAGS HER INSIDE AND SHUTS THE DOOR

LILITH

My conference ran over so I'm here until tomorrow and since you are the only person I know in the city I didn't think you'd object to spending a little time with me.

FRASIER

Well I do Allison is on her way around this evening.

LILITH

Ah yes I should have known. The dimmed lights and several bottles of wine an obvious sign that you plan to pounce on her when she's not looking.

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER

Oh no she's here. You've got to hide.

LILITH

I most certainly will not.

FRASIER

Oh just get in the bathroom for one moment.

LILITH RATHER RELUCTANTLY EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM. FRASIER THEN ONCE AGAIN TAKES A SECOND TO COLLECT HIMSELF. HE THEN OPENS THE DOOR AND DIANE ENTERS

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Ahhhhhhhhh.

AS FRASIER LOOKS AT DIANE IN SHOCK AND DIANE LOOKS VERY CONCERNED WE:

FADE OUT

(G)

FADE IN:

INT. FOX AND WHISTLE — EVENING — DAY/2

DAPHNE, NILES, ROZ, ANNIE AND MIA ALL SIT AS THEY DID ON THE PREVIOUS NIGHT WITH GAZ PLAYING SNOOKER. ALAN IS OF COURSE BEHIND THE BAR

GAZ

Hey Niles how's your noggin?

NILES

Just fine thanks. (TO DAPHNE) I presume he's talking about my head. Or should I be challenging him to a fight?

DAPHNE

Yes he was talking about your head.

ROZ

How did you manage to hit yourself so hard on the head with that?

NILES

The whole thing is pretty much a blur.

ROZ

Is there any chance you could do it a little harder so we have to call some paramedics. I wonder if you can ask for hot ones only.

NILES

Doubtful.

ANNIE

Forget the paramedics Gaz has got my name written all over him.

MIA

That's even truer since you got him drunk and took him to the tattoo parlour.

DAPHNE

I still find it strange that they call them tattoo parlours. You expect the Queen to pop in and have a cuppa with you while they do it to distract you.

GAZ

Anyone up for a round?

ROZ

I'll take you on.

ANNIE

This I've got to see.

ROZ, ANNIE AND MIA ALL MOVE TO THE SNOOKER TABLE WITH DAPHNE ABOUT TO FOLLOW THEM

DAPHNE

Are you coming sweetheart?

NILES

I think I'll get another drink first. I'll be right over.

NILES MOVES OVER TO THE BAR AND SITS DOWN

ALAN

What's the matter with your mug?

NILES

There's a small crack in it but other then that nothing.

ALAN

I meant your face.

NILES

Oh. Well I don't exactly fit in down here.

ALAN

Is that such a bad thing?

NILES

When you want to spend all your free time with one person yes.

ALAN

Spending a little time apart is not going to kill the pair of you. I've always thought having separate interests are good for a relationship because of the compromises it involves. And anyway when you're not here, you're still here.

NILES

What are you talking about?

ALAN

Daphne. She talks about you none stop from the moment she walks into here until the moment she leaves. I've started selling earplugs behind the bar. She was driving most of the custom away.

NILES

Really?

ALAN

As I said even when you're not here, you're still here. And what's that old expression? Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

NILES

I thought I was the psychiatrist here.

ALAN

I'm a bartender. Everyone tells me their problems. You see Derek on the end. I won't bother telling you what his wife did to him with a stoat when she found out he'd been playing away from home if you know what I mean.

NILES

No I don't think I do want to know. Although the fact that he's sitting on an inflatable cushion doesn't mean you have to be a detective to work this one out. I might just call it a night.

ALAN

I hope I see you sometime in the near future.

NILES

Maybe every now and again.

NILES WALKS OVER TO DAPHNE

NILES (CONT'D)

Daphne, I'm going to go.

DAPHNE

Why?

NILES

Because you're here with your friends and I just feel in the way and a little out of place.

DAPHNE

No you're not.

NILES

Look we can't be together all the time it's just one of those things I have to accept. At least I got to see what goes on here. But how about I see you back at my place.

DAPHNE

You've got a date. I won't be late.

NILES

Could not, would not, want to wait.

DAPHNE

I think it's time you left the beer alone.

AS THEY KISS BEFORE NILES GOES TO LEAVE WE:

FADE OUT

(H)

TITLE CARD: "WITCHCRAFT"

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2
(Frasier, Diane, Lilith, Martin, Allison, Eddie)

FRASIER SITS ON THE COUCH WITH HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS AS LILITH AND DIANE PERCH EITHER SIDE OF HIM ON THE ARMS OF THE COUCH

FRASIER

I'm not sure how much longer I can stall Allison without killing off a member of my immediate family. (TO DIANE) Now what are you doing here?

DIANE

Allison? Who is Allison?

LILITH

New girlfriend.

DIANE

Oh really? Have you met her?

LILITH

Briefly.

DIANE

Ooh what's she like?

FRASIER

If you don't mind I don't think it's terribly appropriate for you two to be discussing my love life.

DIANE

Why not?

FRASIER

How about because you both dumped me and then jumped up and down on my heart in your high heeled shoes until there was no life left in it.

LILITH

Well if you call that a reason.

FRASIER

(TO LILITH) I know why you are here. (TO DIANE) What are you doing here?

DIANE

I was in the area and...

FRASIER

(SHOUTS) Why? Why were you in the area? Why is everyone suddenly descending on Seattle like a plague of locusts? What have I done to offend the Gods?

DIANE

I didn't think you'd mind. It's just a quick lay over before I go to Hawaii for a few days with my new beau. You always said you'd be here for me when I needed you.

LILITH

He said that to me as well.

FRASIER

And now how I regret those words.

DIANE

Frasier I really need to talk to you about my new love interest before I make another mistake.

FRASIER

What apart from coming here tonight? Oh fine go ahead.

DIANE

I'd rather do it without witnesses.

LILITH

I believe I was here first.

DIANE

What does that have to do with anything?

LILITH

I think I have more claim here. At least I did marry him.

DIANE

I was confused and emotionally unbalanced and in love with another man.

LILITH

How is that different from every other day of your life?

FRASIER

Why do I feel as if I've stumbled upon the Twilight Zone?

DIANE

I don't really want you to hear this Lilith.

FRASIER

I don't even want to hear this. I just want my date to go smoothly for once in my life. Is that too much to ask?

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Apparently so. That's her. What am I going to do? Both of you hide. I'll take her out of the room and you can both call me tomorrow.

FRASIER STARTS TO PUSH THEM BOTH TOWARDS THE KITCHEN

DIANE

But Frasier...

FRASIER

Both of you in the kitchen. Nope of second thoughts there's always a chance you'll set each other on fire.

FRASIER PUSHES DIANE TOWARDS THE KITCHEN AND SHE EXITS BEFORE HE LEADS LILITH TO THE BATHROOM

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Lilith into the bathroom.

LILITH EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM BEFORE FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND MARTIN ENTERS

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Dad what are you doing here?

MARTIN

The cable's gone out at McGinty's so I've come back to take Eddie out.

FRASIER

Why were you ringing the bell?

MARTIN

I left my keys in my other pants.

FRASIER

Oh right well off you go.

MARTIN

Just a second I need to

MARTIN OPENS THE BATHROOM DOOR AND SEES LILITH

MARTIN (CONT'D)

Ahhhhhhhhh!

LILITH

Hello again Martin.

MARTIN

I'm sorry, I thought you'd gone back to Boston.

LILITH

It ran over.

MARTIN

Oh well that's nice. I'm off the take Eddie out after I've had a very badly needed beer.

MARTIN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

FRASIER

Wait for it, it's coming.

MARTIN

(OFF STAGE) Ahhhhhhhhh

FRASIER

There it is.

MARTIN ENTERS LOOKING COMPLETELY FREAKED WITH DIANE FOLLOWING HIM

DIANE

I'm so sorry to startle you Martin.

MARTIN GRABS EDDIE AND SPRINTS TO THE FRONT DOOR AS FAST AS HE CAN

MARTIN

Going to the dog park. Call me when it's safe to come home.

FRASIER

The dog park isn't exactly going to be safe at this time of night.

MARTIN

Trust me it's safer then here.

MARTIN AND EDDIE EXIT

FRASIER

Okay now the pair of you off you go.

DIANE

But Frasier...

FRASIER

But Frasier nothing. The pair of you have done nothing but plague my life. Now when I finally get to the point when I can truly move on without either of you as baggage and find a woman that I honestly like and can see a future with you show up and try to crap all over it. Now why don't you both call me in the morning and I will give you both my undue attention and support.

DIANE

Fine.

LILITH

I think crap was a bit strong.

FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR FOR THEM TO LEAVE AND ALLISON ENTERS

FRASIER

Allison!

LILITH

We were just leaving. Nice to see you again. Goodbye.

LILITH AND DIANE EXIT AND FRASIER SHUTS THE DOOR

FRASIER

I can explain.

ALLISON

I should hope so. Now who was the other woman? Your first wife?

FRASIER

No actually I never married Diane. She left me at the alter before I had a chance.

ALLISON

I bet you can guess why I'm freaked out by this.

FRASIER

Yes I can. Okay time for an explanation. I'm not going to lie to you. They have both played very big parts in my life and I'm here for them whenever they need me and I hope vice versa. Neither is something that happens very often. But nothing is and never will be going on. The fact that one slept with my best friend and the other my brother may tip you off as to why. So are we going to be okay?

ALLISON

I'm going to be fine. Are you?

FRASIER

Yes.

ALLISON

Then I guess we'll be okay.

AS FRASIER GETS THEM BOTH A GLASS OF WINE WE:

FADE OUT

(I)

FADE IN:

INT. FOX AND WHISTLE — EVENING — DAY/2
(Roz, Daphne, Alan, Donny)

DAPHNE AND ROZ SIT AT THE BAR WHICH IS NOW A LOT LESS CROWDED. AS ALAN POTTERS ABOUT BEHIND THE BAR ROZ FINISHES HER DRINK AND STANDS TO LEAVE

ROZ

I have to relieve my babysitter. I'll speak to you tomorrow. Bye Daphne.

DAPHNE

Bye Roz.

ROZ EXITS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR

ALAN

Can I get you another Daph?

DAPHNE

No I'm going to finish this and then I'm off home.

DONNY ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND GLANCES AROUND THE PLACE

ALAN

Don't I know him?

DAPHNE TURNS AROUND TO SEE

DAPHNE

Oh my God Donny!

DONNY

Daphne!

DAPHNE

What are you doing here?

DONNY

I was just walking past. Well to be perfectly honest I saw it and thought about having a quick drink here for old times sake. I didn't expect to run into you here.

DAPHNE

That makes two of us.

A BEAT

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

How are you?

DONNY

Not bad. You?

DAPHNE

Fine thank you.

A BEAT

DONNY

I see you've finally got a ring on that finger. Still Niles?

DAPHNE

Of course.

DONNY

Of course. Can I get you a drink?

DAPHNE

Erm...well I was just...oh go on then. Just a quick one.

DONNY SITS NEXT TO DAPHNE AT THE BAR AS ROZ ENTERS BUT ON SEEING DONNY STAYS BY THE ENTRANCE

ALAN

I thought you'd left.

ROZ

Forgot my coat. Well bye again.

ROZ TAKES HER COAT OFF THE PEG BY THE ENTRANCE AND EXITS AGAIN AS WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

CLOSING CREDITS: MARTIN ENTERS INTO THE LIVING ROOM THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR LOOKING A LITTLE NERVOUS. HE HANGS HIS COAT UP AND THEN GOES TO THE BATHROOM DOOR. HE PLUCKS UP THE COURAGE TO OPEN IT AND IS RELIEVED TO SEE THAT NO ONE IS THERE. HE THEN GOES TO THE KITCHEN AND LOOKS INSIDE AND IS ONCE AGAIN RELIEVED TO SEE THAT NO ONE IS THERE.