I don't own any of these characters. All right belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
This one is for Marisa since she requested it and gave me the initial idea. At first I was wasn't looking forward to writing it because I wasn't sure what I was going to do with it. In the end I was quite pleased with the outcome.
The majority of this was written at around thirty-five thousand feet above the Atlantic so if the characters suddenly complain about Hitler flight attendants throwing peanuts at them, you'll know why. Any feedback would be appreciated so please send it to kelly_simba@hotmail.com
Enjoy...
Alternative Season Nine Episode Nineteen
School Daze
By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)
ACT ONE(A)
TITLE CARD: "WHERE THERE'S A WILL, THERE'S A WAY"
FADE IN:
INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Frasier, Kenny, Will, Roz)
FRASIER STANDS IN THE EMPTY BOOTH HOLDING THE PHONE UP TO HIS EAR WITH ONE HAND AND HIS OTHER HAND ON HIS HIP
FRASIER
(ON PHONE) Roz where are you? Now is not the time to screen calls. I'm not some angry wife baying for your blood and demanding to know where her husband is. Phone me back as soon as you get this message.
FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE AND SITS DOWN. HE THEN SUDDENLY JUMPS BACK UP, PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS
FRASIER (CONT'D)
(ON PHONE) On second thoughts don't phone me back just get here, phoning me will just waste valuable time.
FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE AGAIN BUT IMMEDIATELY PICKS IT BACK UP AGAIN AND DIALS
FRASIER (CONT'D)
(ON PHONE) I forgot to add are you aware that we have a show to do this afternoon? There are scads of desperately sick people out there who need us and I mean for me to treat them not for you to sleep with them. Phone me. No don't phone me. Have I already said that? You'll just waste time. Just get here. Actually if I continue talking I'm going to waste even more of your time if you do actually pick up this message. Which I hope you don't pick it up now. By now I mean one fifty five because that means you'll never get here on time. I'm just wasting more time. I should go now. I'm going. See Frasier leave. Bye.
FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE AGAIN AND SITS DOWN TAPPING HIS FINGERS FRANTICALLY ON THE CONSOLE AS KENNY ENTERS. FRASIER SPRINGS TO HIS FEET
KENNY
Hi Doc.
FRASIER
Oh hello Kenny. Have you seen Roz?
KENNY
Yes I have.
FRASIER
Where? She's not beating up the vending machine again is she? She got her foot caught in the candy shoot last time. I had to pry it out with a shoe horse.
KENNY
Oh you mean have I seen her today.
FRASIER
Yes I do.
KENNY
Oh right now I understand.
FRASIER
So have you?
KENNY
What? Seen her beating up the vending machine?
FRASIER
Have you seen her at all either kicking or not kicking an inanimate object? It really doesn't matter which.
KENNY
Not today.
FRASIER SLUMPS BACK DOWN IN HIS SEAT
FRASIER
Thank you Kenny it's always a pleasure talking to you. I'm going to start bringing sedatives to work with me. If I don't use them all on myself it may make everyone else here more bearable. I don't think I'd get a stun gun past security.
KENNY
Doc I come baring gifts.
FRASIER
The last time I was told that at this station Bulldog had bought me a t-shirt from Hooters. The waitress was still wearing it at the time.
KENNY
That kind of ruins my gift. It's nowhere near as fancy.
WILL, A YOUNG MAN IN HIS TWENTIES AND EXQUISITELY DRESSED, ENTERS
KENNY (CONT'D)
Dr. Frasier Crane this is Will Fellows. Will this is Dr. Crane. Will is your new assistant.
WILL
It's a pleasure to meet you Dr. Crane.
FRASIER AND WILL SHAKE HANDS
FRASIER
Likewise. Kenny when was this decided?
KENNY
A couple of weeks ago. It's only on a trial basis to see if the two of you get along. If you do then who knows it could become full time.
FRASIER
This is certainly a surprise to say the least.
WILL
I want you to know Dr. Crane that I'm here for you for whatever you need. If you have a dead hooker in your booth covered in baby oil that you need to get rid of before anyone sees, I'm the man you call.
FRASIER
I seriously doubt that will ever happen.
KENNY
You can't be too sure. These consoles are getting old. It won't be long before they short circuit and electrocute someone.
WILL
If there's a pretty girl waiting by the front door you'd like to get to know better, just call on Will. If someone parks in your space just call on Will. I'll even supply some earplugs to protect you from the noise of the explosion. You name it. I'll do it for you. Now can I get you a coffee before your show starts? A massage? A pastry of some sort?
FRASIER
Erm...yes well a coffee would be fine thank you Will. I can't really ask you to give me a massage during my show.
WILL
I gave Kenny one during my job interview. Which reminds me Kenny shall I send your assistant some flowers? I think she was a little alarmed to see me straddling you naked on your desk when she walked in. It wasn't as if I was making you wear a dog collar now was it?
KENNY
Yes thank you Will.
FRASIER STARES AT KENNY
KENNY (CONT'D)
What? I had to make sure he wasn't going to hurt your shoulders.
WILL
Before I do that Dr. Crane can I just get your initials on a couple of memo's so that I can get them sent off.
WILL PLACES A COUPLE OF PIECES OF PAPER IN FRONT OF FRASIER AND PUTS A PEN IN HIS HAND
FRASIER
Of course. Although I generally like to read what I sign before...
FRASIER SIGNS IT AND WILL PULLS IT AWAY BEFORE HE REALLY HAS A CHANCE TO READ WHAT IT WAS
WILL
Now you just relax and I'll take care of everything for you. Well except healing the masses, I'll leave the expert up to that.
WILL EXITS OUT OF THE BOOTH
FRASIER
What questions did you ask at the interview? I think you left out the question are you slightly insane and frightening.
KENNY SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS AND EXITS AS ROZ ENTERS INTO HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH OUT OF BREATH
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Roz! Where have you been?
ROZ
Frasier don't start. I've just been pulled over by the Police.
FRASIER GOES INTO ROZ'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH
FRASIER
For what?
ROZ
Nothing much.
FRASIER
Nothing much as in you had an old lady with a cane spread-eagled on the hood of your car or nothing much as in you were flipping off the truck drivers again about their mud flaps and they got a little angry?
ROZ
Neither. I just got a speeding ticket. I don't know what the guy's problem was. I was only doing ninety in a forty mile an hour speed zone. It's not like I had a whole group of Nun's hanging from the back of my car by their rosary beads.
FRASIER
Why were you going that fast in the first place?
ROZ
I was already a little late for the show because...let's just say I had someone doing some work in my apartment who didn't leave until about a half an hour ago. And before you pull that face he was there tilling my kitchen.
FRASIER
Oh I bet he was. I see so that's why you were speeding? To get here on time for the show?
ROZ
No, as I was sitting at the lights I saw the cutest guy in the whole wide world in the lane next to me. As I was following him...
FRASIER
You were following him?
ROZ
How else am I supposed to meet good-looking, single men? I do have a child you know. My social life consists of well, just you and you're hardly a magnet for me to meet attractive single men. So as I was following him he switched lanes and took a right and shook me off. I had to go around the block and speed up a little to catch up with him.
FRASIER
Well at least you're late for a good reason.
FRASIER GOES BACK INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH AS WILL ENTERS WITH A CUP OF COFFEE AND SOME MORE MEMO'S
WILL
Dr. Crane here is your coffee. I need your signature on a couple of promotional suggestions that Kenny has just given me.
FRASIER
Well I actually would like...
ONCE AGAIN WILL MAKES HIM SIGN THEM BEFORE HE'S REALLY HAD A CHANCE TO READ THEM
WILL
Just there and there. Thank you.
WILL REMOVES THE PAPER FROM FRASIER AS HE TRIES TO READ IT
WILL (CONT'D)
(RE: ROZ) Is this woman bothering you?
FRASIER
No this is Roz my producer.
WILL ENTERS INTO ROZ'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH
WILL
(TO ROZ) Okay. I've got my eye on you. Watch out.
WILL EXITS OUT OF THE BOOTH
ROZ
Who is that?
FRASIER
He's my assistant.
ROZ
What's he going to assist you in? Strangling kittens?
AS FRASIER PUTS HIS HEADPHONES ON TO START THE SHOW WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/1
(Martin, Daphne, Niles, Frasier, Will, Roz)
THE LIVING ROOM IS FULL OF FLOWERS COVERING THE TABLE AND THE CONSOLE AS DAPHNE POTTERS AROUND SMELLING THEM AND COMPARING THE COLOURS. MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM LOOKING A LITTLE STARTLED BY WHAT HE SEES
MARTIN
Has somebody died? Where's Eddie? If he's gone over the balcony Frasier will follow him first and I'll ask questions later.
DAPHNE
No one has died.
MARTIN
Am I dying? Has Dr. Stewart called?
DAPHNE
No, no one's called. What's the matter?
MARTIN
Then what's with all the flowers?
DAPHNE
Niles and me are trying to pick the right ones for the wedding.
MARTIN SITS DOWN IN HIS CHAIR AND LOOKS AROUND HIM
MARTIN
Have you ever seen 'Day of the Triffids'?
DAPHNE
I hardly think they're about to sprout legs and start to attack you, although this one does seem to be following me around the room. They're only a few flowers.
NILES ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR WITH HIS ARMS FULL OF FLOWERS
NILES
And here's the rest of them.
MARTIN
This must have cost you a fortune.
NILES PUTS THE FLOWERS DOWN ON THE DINNING TABLE AS DAPHNE JOINS HIM TO LOOK AT THEM
NILES
Actually it hasn't cost me a thing yet. We have several companies trying to woo us into letting them do the flowers for the wedding. They've all been giving us free samples.
MARTIN
Can't you get any catering companies to try to woo you and send you free samples of meat?
NILES
Sadly Dad that's still on my to do list. I'm worried they'll go overboard like they've done with the flowers and actually send us several whole cows. I doubt we'd fit them in the freezer.
FRASIER AND WILL ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR
FRASIER
Good evening everyone. What's with all the flowers? Who died?
WILL
Dr. Crane I told you before I can handle this situation. Does anyone know about the body yet? Exactly how many pieces is it in? And do you have a large kitchen knife and plenty of saran wrap?
NILES
They're for the wedding and oh by the way who are you?
FRASIER
This is Will, my new personal assistant. Will this is my father Martin, my brother Niles and his fiancée Daphne.
WILL
It's a pleasure. Okay Dr. Crane what can I do for you?
FRASIER
My fan mail could do with thinning out a bit. I need all letters that contain death threats, offers to cut my toenails, and bits of dead animals removed before I can answer them.
WILL
It would be my pleasure Dr. Crane.
FRASIER
I have a large bag full of mail by my bed in my bedroom. It's down there, the first door on your right.
WILL EXITS TOWARDS FRASIER'S ROOM
NILES
He's a bit scary.
FRASIER
He's just eager to impress.
MARTIN
By offering to dispose of bodies?
FRASIER
He may be a little unbalanced I'll admit. He made me stop the car on the way to Nervosa so he could chase after a pigeon that flew in front of my car and caused me to brake suddenly. I was parked up for twenty minutes waiting for him to return, when he did he was covered in water and clutching a fist full of feathers.
DAPHNE
You're not seriously going to keep him?
FRASIER
Well he is very efficient and he can give a back rub like no one else in...(REALISING HE'S ABOUT TO OFFEND DAPHNE) like no one else at the station.
NILES
Well just be careful that while he's doing it you don't find an ice pick between your shoulder blades.
DAPHNE
With me holding the handle.
WILL ENTERS FROM FRASIER'S ROOM WITH A BAG OF ENVELOPES
WILL
Okay Dr. Crane I can soon have this sorted. (TO NILES) Hey short guy would you mind moving your flowers to another room. We don't want the pollen to affect Dr. Crane's delicate vocal cords now do we?
NILES
No Sir.
WILL
I'll make you a coffee first Dr. Crane.
WILL EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN
NILES
Short guy?
DAPHNE
Are you going to argue with him?
NILES
No ma'am.
NILES AND DAPHNE SCOOP UP ALL THE FLOWERS AND EXIT TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM
SFX: DOORBELL
WILL ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN
WILL
I'll get that for you Dr. Crane.
WILL LOOKS THROUGH THE SPY HOLE
WILL (CONT'D)
It's Roz. Do I let her in or would you like me to have a little talk with her?
FRASIER
Roz come on in.
ROZ OPENS THE DOOR AND WILL RATHER WARILY LETS HER IN
FRASIER (CONT'D)
What are you doing here? I thought you were going straight home for a date with your tile guy.
ROZ
I thought I'd make a little detour on my way home to the Police Station to pay off that speeding ticket before I forgot. And I sort of had a little accident along the way.
WILL EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN
FRASIER
What happened?
ROZ
I saw that cute guy again that I saw earlier. What were the odds of that happening? I think the cops have him drive around just to hit people like me with speeding tickets.
MARTIN
What happened?
ROZ
He was getting away from me again so I sped up again but some crazy guy ran across the road chasing a pigeon. I swerved to miss him, mounted the sidewalk, hit a mailbox, three newspaper vending machines and a fire hydrant before finally coming to a standstill outside the Police station.
FRASIER
Ah I see.
MARTIN
Did they give you another ticket?
ROZ
No. When they combined the one from earlier with this incident and several unpaid parking tickets it looks like I'm going to be sent to traffic school. I'm up in front of a judge tomorrow.
FRASIER AND MARTIN BEGIN TO LAUGH
FRASIER
You're kidding?
ROZ
How am I going to cope without a car? I'll have to sit on the bus next to that man who talks to his socks again. It's not funny.
FRASIER AND MARTIN CONTINUE TO LAUGH AS NILES ENTERS FROM DAPHNE'S ROOM
NILES
What's not funny?
FRASIER
Roz is going to be sent to traffic school.
NILES JOINS FRASIER AND MARTIN AND BEGINS TO LAUGH
ROZ
It's not funny. Hey Will said he can dispose of dead bodies.
NILES
Fine I'll stop laughing.
MARTIN
I don't really think you should encourage him Roz.
ROZ
Maybe he could get this sorted as well. Will...
WILL
(OFF STAGE) No.
ROZ
Fine talking to his socks it is.
AS ROZ SLUMPS DOWN ONTO THE COUCH FRUSTRATED WE:
FADE OUT
(C)
FADE IN:
INT. CLASS ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2
(Roz, Matt, Charlie, Rita, Extras)
ROZ SITS AT A DESK IN A FAIRLY FULL CLASS ROOM WHICH IS COVERED WITH PICTURES OF ROAD SIGNS AND OUTSIDE THE WINDOW A ROAD SET UP CAN BE SEEN. ROZ TALKS ON THE PHONE
ROZ
(ON PHONE) Hello? Oh hi Frasier. You've got to make it quick my class starts in a minute. What about Will? He's following you? He's your assistant, he follows you all day at the station. I'm beginning to wonder if he's not actually stuck to your back. Well following you out of office hours is a little strange. Where are you now? At the wine shop? Is he outside? Well maybe that's because he has as good a taste as you do and he wants to buy a bottle of wine that costs more then my first car as well. He's sitting in his car outside? What can I say? Run far, run fast. Well what did you expect me to say? I'm not going to run over there and club him so that you can make your get away. Because I'd have to take the bus and I'd never get back in time for my class. That's right traffic school. That's right laugh it up. I'm not the one hiding behind a rack of wine.
MATT ENTERS CARRYING SOME PAPERWORK AND A LASER POINTER
MATT
Okay everyone take your seats please.
ROZ
(ON PHONE) Frasier I've got to go. My teacher is here. Well I hope you have a nice night sleeping on a collection of corks.
ROZ HANGS UP HER PHONE AND PUTS IT AWAY AND EVERYONE ELSE SITS DOWN
MATT
Hello there. I'm Matt Ashton and I'll be your tutor for the written part of this traffic school that focuses mainly on the Highway Code. Now you've all been sent here because you are all bad, bad drivers.
CHARLIE
I'm not. If that officer had any sense of humour at all he'd have seen the funny side to it. It's not like I rear-ended him on purpose. After he gave me the ticket I did it on purpose.
MATT
This is where one of the major problems arises. Trying to get you all to admit that you are bad, bad drivers. For you to move on and learn from your mistakes you must firstly admit this fact. Now altogether I want you to shout out 'I am a bad, bad driver.' Are you all ready? On the count of three. One, two, three.
EVERYONE
I am a bad, bad driver.
MATT
That's very good, now say it again.
EVERYONE
I am a bad, bad driver.
MATT
One more time and this time much louder.
EVERYONE
I am a bad, bad driver.
MATT
Excellent. Now like an AA meeting, I want you each to stand up tell us your name, a few facts about yourself and why you were sent here. Okay you.
RITA, AN ELDERLY SWEET LOOKING WOMAN, STANDS UP TIMIDLY
RITA
I'm Rita. I'm sixty-nine and I'm a retired schoolteacher. My husband is the reverend in our local parish. I love long walks on the beach and pressing flowers in my spare time that's when I'm not taking care of my eight Grandchildren. (MENACINGLY) I was sent here because I discovered my husband was in fact paying the organist in our church for sex when he said he was helping out with the Sunday school class. I tried to run him down but missed, mounted the pavement and ran over my neighbour's three dogs.
RITA SITS DOWN AS MATT STARES AT HER A LITTLE STUNNED
MATT
Okay well that's...next?
ROZ STANDS UP, HER EYES FIXED ON MATT AT ALL TIMES
ROZ
I'm Roz Doyle. I'm thirty-five years old. (THEN) Did I just hear someone laugh?
MATT
I don't believe so, carry on.
ROZ
I'm currently single but looking. Especially for someone tall, dark and incredibly handsome in a position of power and with command of a laser pointer.
ROZ SITS DOWN STILL STARING AT MATT
MATT
That's nice and why are you here?
ROZ
(CASUALLY) Speeding, parking tickets and trashing half a block of sidewalk, you know the usual.
MATT
And at this point I think it's time for you to all say our magic phrase again. On the count of three. One, two, three.
EVERYONE
I am a bad, bad driver.
MATT
Okay now just Rita.
RITA
I am a bad, bad driver.
MATT
Now Roz.
RITA
I am a bad, bad, bad, bad driver and I need help.
MATT
Okay...well...moving on.
AS MATT RATHER UNCOMFORTABLY CONTINUES WITH THE CLASS WE:
FADE OUT
(D)
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/3
(Will, Frasier, Roz, Woman)
FRASIER AND WILL ENTER INTO NERVOSA AND WILL HELPS FRASIER INTO A SEAT. ROZ WHO IS SITTING AT ANOTHER TABLE MOVES OVER TO JOIN FRASIER
WILL
Dr. Crane you sit down there and I'll get you a coffee.
FRASIER
No honestly Will I can get one myself.
WILL
And wear yourself out before your show? I think not! What kind of assistant would I be if I let that happen? A bad one and I can't very well murder myself now can I?
FRASIER
Of course not.
WILL MOVES TO THE COUNTER
ROZ
Do you still have him?
FRASIER
Yes. I can't get rid of him. I spoke to Kenny and told him that we weren't getting on but he won't do anything.
ROZ
I thought this was only on a trial basis.
FRASIER
That's what he told me. The truth is he's been at the station for weeks and has been passed around from person to person. He attacked Gill's wife while he was working for him mistaking her for some mob gang lord muscleman. He'd got his rubber gloves on and a ball gag in her mouth before Gill realised and managed to break it up.
ROZ
Then why doesn't Kenny just get rid of him?
FRASIER
He's scared about what he'll do to him if he does.
WILL PLACES FRASIER'S COFFEE IN FRONT OF HIM
WILL
(RE: ROZ) I see you're here again. Is she bothering you Dr. Crane?
FRASIER
No Will it's fine.
A WOMAN SPOTS FRASIER AND EXCITEDLY COMES OVER TO HIS TABLE
WOMAN
Oh my God Dr. Crane from the radio! This is so great! I'm a big fan. Can I get your autograph please?
FRASIER
Of course. What's your...
WILL GRABS HOLD OF THE WOMAN'S ARM
WILL
All right lady back off. Come with me a moment. Just outside. And that's all taken care of.
WILL TAKES THE WOMAN OUTSIDE AND THEY BOTH EXIT
A BEAT
WILL RE-ENTERS RUBBING HIS HANDS TOGETHER
FRASIER
She left her purse.
WILL TAKES THE PURSE
WILL
I'll take that. It's evidence. I'll give you your space Dr. Crane. I'll be over there checking over your promos.
WILL SITS OVER ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CAFÉ BUT STILL KEEPS A CLOSE EYE ON FRASIER
ROZ
Shouldn't I be doing that?
FRASIER
Are you going to argue with him?
ROZ
Not without the army as backup.
FRASIER
So how was your class last night? Did you have any homework? Watch any gory videos? Have to press on cans and turn a washing up bowl as a steering wheel?
ROZ
Oh it was fantastic.
FRASIER
Really?
ROZ
My teacher is just the most gorgeous...
FRASIER
Wait a second Roz isn't it a man's fault that you're going to that class in the first place?
ROZ
Yeah, damn Policeman, although the more I stare into Matt's pretty blue eyes the more I forgive Officer Dwight and want to put him in my will.
WILL COMES RUNNING OVER TO THEM
WILL
Did you call me?
FRASIER
No that's fine Will, stand down.
WILL SITS BACK DOWN
FRASIER (CONT'D)
I actually meant that both times you were chasing some guy trying to lasso him with your pantyhose.
ROZ
What's your point?
FRASIER
Nothing. So what happened in your class?
ROZ
I have no idea. I just replayed the image of Matt extending his pointer over and over again in my mind.
FRASIER
That's more then I ever wanted to know.
ROZ
How do I let him know that I'm interested without drooling all over my desk and accidentally grapping hold of something I shouldn't when I go to unbuckle my seat belt?
FRASIER
Here's an idea. Why don't you just not hit on him and listen to what he tells you about driving.
ROZ
Why would I do a crazy thing like that?
FRASIER
Maybe to get your driving license back. So that when you arrive at work you don't smell like stale soup from off that bus. So that you actually turn up to work on time. And this is just off the top of my head.
ROZ
And once again you've completely missed the point.
AS A WAITER COMES OVER TO TAKE ROZ'S ORDER WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO(E)
TITLE CARD: "ANIMAL PRINT HAS NEVER SUITED HIM"
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/4
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne, Roz)
MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR WATCHING THE TELEVISION AS FRASIER SITS ON THE FLOOR BY THE FRONT DOOR WITH HIS EAR PRESSED UP AGAINST IT
FRASIER
He's outside I know he is. I feel completely violated and I don't mean that in a good way. Why can't he go away and stalk Roz for a while? It'll make a change for someone to be stalking her rather then the other way around.
MARTIN
How can you be so sure he's outside?
FRASIER
I can hear him breathing. It has a high-pitched quality to it that taunts me. It sounds like a cat with it'd tail caught in an antique mangle. No matter where he is in the building I can hear him. I don't know in how many languages I can tell him I don't want a contract put out on any of my co-workers. And if that's not bad enough whenever I walk around a corner he springs out at me and pushes a pastry in my face. It took me ten minutes this morning to get the crumbs out of my eye.
MARTIN
Gee you have such a hard life. We tried that tactic in Korea, forget bullets and grenades we used to force people to eat pastry's but jelly donuts where the real killers. We wiped out an entire division with a couple of bear claws. Just move away from the door if you think he's outside there.
FRASIER
This man will not stop me from going about my life in a normal way. Well except from forcing me to do my show underneath the console covered with a blanket so he can't see me.
MARTIN
And sitting on the floor with your ear pushed up against the door is what you normally do on a Friday evening?
FRASIER
Yes! Don't question me. Oh just watch your game.
NILES ENTERS FROM DAPHNE'S ROOM WITHOUT HIS JACKET AND WITH HIS SHIRT SLEEVES ROLLED UP COVERED IN SOME SORT OF RASH ON HIS FACE, NECK AND ARMS
NILES
Frasier what are you doing? I know the grain of the wood can feel nice against your bare flesh but I've treated people who have done less then that. But then again that did progress slightly. He stripped off all his clothes and was rubbing himself up a park bench in front of a group of Nun's and a sixth grade field trip party.
MARTIN
He can hear Will outside. What's wrong with your face?
DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM
NILES
Whose face?
DAPHNE
What is that? You're covered in some sort of rash.
NILES
Let me see.
NILES GOES TO THE BATHROOM, OPENS THE DOOR AND LOOKS IN THE MIRROR
NILES (CONT'D)
I look as if someone's attacked me with a sheet of sand paper and a cheese grater.
FRASIER
It wasn't like that earlier. It's all over your arms.
NILES COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND STARTS TO SCRATCH HIMSELF
MARTIN
What have you been doing in there to bring that on?
A BEAT
NILES
I'd like to take the fifth on the first part of that question.
DAPHNE
(REALISING) Oh my God!
NILES
What's the matter? Have you got it too? You look like a bush baby caught on an electric fence.
DAPHNE
You've got to be allergic.
FRASIER
Yeah but to what?
DAPHNE
To me! Think about what we've just been doing in there.
FRASIER
I'd rather not.
MARTIN
Oh jeez.
DAPHNE
And now you're covered in a rash. That can only mean that I've caused it. It's my fault. You're allergic to me. Thank God we weren't in there any longer or I may have killed you. Do you have any idea how embarrassing that would have been in front of the paramedics when they ask what we were doing to cause your throat to close up and give you a seizure?
NILES
Daphne I can't be allergic to you. Don't you think I would have had a reaction by now?
MARTIN
Maybe it's the dry cleaning fluid on his shirt.
FRASIER
Or that new aftershave.
DAPHNE
I guess you're right. It could be any number of things. That does look sore. Come here.
DAPHNE OPENS HER ARMS OUT TO HUG HIM. NILES WALKS TOWARDS HER BUT AS SOON AS HE GETS CLOSE, HAS TO TURN AWAY AND SNEEZE
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Oh my God!
NILES
That was just one sneeze.
NILES TRIES TO HUG HER AGAIN BUT HAS TO TURN AWAY AGAIN TO SNEEZE THIS TIME EXTREMELY WILDLY
DAPHNE
And that's just trying to bring your lung up through your nostril. Stay away from me. I don't want to kill you.
SFX: DOORBELL
FRASIER
(WORRIED) Oh my God it's Will. Everyone be quiet.
MARTIN
You're the only one talking.
FRASIER
Shhhhhhhhh
ROZ
(OFF STAGE) It's Roz not Will. Have you never noticed I sound a hell of a lot more feminine then Will? Shut up Niles.
NILES
I wasn't going to say a word. Maybe several but certainly not just a word.
FRASIER STANDS UP AND OPENS THE DOOR BEFORE DRAGGING ROZ INSIDE AND CLOSING THE DOOR AGAIN. ROZ IS DRESSED EXQUISITELY
FRASIER
Get in here quick. Did you see Will out there?
ROZ
Yeah he was crouched behind the fire extinguisher with a cattle prod, a photo of your face superimposed on a woman in a leopard skin bikini's body and a memo from Kenny.
FRASIER
Really?
ROZ
Oh all right there was no memo.
FRASIER
Roz!
ROZ
I love freaked out, paranoid Frasier, he's so much fun to tease. What is wrong with your face?
DAPHNE
He's allergic to me. We were just...we were in my room and now he's like this.
NILES
It's not you. Maybe it's something I ate.
DAPHNE
I cooked for you as well.
ROZ
I'd love to stop and chat and make fun of both of you but I just stopped by to ask what you think of my dress.
NILES
You look as if you're all ready for a night down at the docks.
ROZ
Great.
MARTIN
Why were are you going?
ROZ
Traffic school.
AS ROZ GOES TO EXIT WE:
FADE OUT
(F)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S BMW — AFTERNOON — DAY/5
(Frasier)
FRASIER IS DRIVING HIS CAR ON THE WAY TO WORK. HE IS SINGING AWAY MERRILY ALONG WITH HIS STEREO
FRASIER
(EXTREMELY HIGH PITCHED) O mio babbino caro...
SUDDENLY THE STEREO STARTS TO GO REALLY FAST UNTIL IT COMES TO A GRINDING HALT
FRASIER (CONT'D)
What is the matter with that?
FRASIER HITS THE DASHBOARD ABOVE THE STEREO
FRASIER (CONT'D)
The first time I manage to hit that note and you decide it's the perfect time to explode. Perfect.
A BEAT
FRASIER (CONT'D)
(PRACTICING) Hello caller I'm listening. I'm listening. I am listening. It's amazing how that never becomes tiresome.
FRASIER LOOKS IN HIS REAR VIEW MIRROR
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Oh my God! That's Will! Will that boy ever leave me alone? What insignificant scrap of paper or murder contract could he possible want to give me now? Let's just see how fast you can go Will.
FRASIER SUDDENLY STARTS TO SPEED UP
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Ha, ha! So long Will!
FRASIER STARTS TO SPEED UP EVEN MORE BUT HAS TO SWERVE SUDDENLY, WHICH CAUSES HIM TO CRASH HIS CAR. AS HE MAKES IMPACT HIS HOOD POPS UP
CUT TO:
(G)
INT. CLASS ROOM — EVENING — DAY/6
(Frasier, Roz, Matt, Extras)
FRASIER SITS NEXT TO ROZ DURING A TRAFFIC SCHOOL CLASS. MATT STANDS AT THE FRONT OF THE CLASS AS BEFORE. ROZ SMILES AT FRASIER
FRASIER
(TO ROZ) Oh shut up!
ROZ
I wasn't going to say a word.
MATT
Now everyone together after the count of three. One, two, three.
EVERYONE
I am a bad, bad driver.
AS FRASIER HIDES HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS WE:
FADE OUT
(H)
TITLE CARD: "FIRE AT WILL"
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/7
(Frasier, Roz, Will, Waiter, Waitress, Man, Woman, Niles)
FRASIER AND ROZ SIT NEAR THE COUNTER IN NERVOSA WITH SEVERAL BOOKS AND SCRAPS OF PAPER IN FRONT OF THEM
FRASIER
(RE: BOOK) What on earth is that? I've never seen that road sign before in my life. It looks more at home where goats are the only form of traffic.
ROZ
Let me see.
FRASIER HOLDS THE BOOK TO HIS CHEST
FRASIER
No you'll cheat.
ROZ
We're studying. We're not doing test papers. Now get that pencil from your rear end and let me have a look.
FRASIER
But I actually made notes in the last class while you pictured Matt in his underwear. Something that's not a pretty picture at all I can tell you.
ROZ
I knew you were doing it as well.
FRASIER
Well once you mentioned it, I couldn't get the thought out of my head. The worst bit came when he dropped his pencil and bent down right in front of us to pick it up. I had nightmares about that one.
ROZ
Really? I thought that was the best part of the class. It was so educational.
WILL ENTERS AND HANGS UP HIS COAT
ROZ (CONT'D)
Oh look out Will is here.
FRASIER
Hide me.
ROZ
Why don't you just try palming him off onto someone else?
FRASIER
Roz how would you like your very own assistant?
ROZ
Not me, someone else.
WILL APPROACHES FRASIER'S TABLE
WILL
Dr. Crane why did you run away from me at the station?
FRASIER
(HOPEFUL) The bathroom?
WILL
Anyway I'm here now. Can I get you anything? (TO ROZ) My God you really do hang on like some sort of bad smell don't you Miss. Doyle?
ROZ
Thanks.
WILL
You're quite welcome.
FRASIER
Actually Will do you know what the best thing you can do for me is?
WILL GRABS ROZ BY THE ARM
WILL
Come with me this way Miss. Doyle.
FRASIER
No, no not that. Well (THINKS) ...no, no not that. You see its Kenny.
WILL LETS GO OF ROZ
WILL
What's he done? One phone call and it's all taken care of.
FRASIER
I think Kenny is under an incredible amount of stress. I just feel that your talents are going to be more suited to help Kenny rather then myself. Not that I don't enjoy having your help. I do. But I feel that Kenny would benefit more in the long term
WILL
Well you know best doctor. I thank you for your honesty.
WILL GLARES AT ROZ BEFORE COLLECTING HIS COAT AND EXITING
ROZ
Well done. Although you do know that this means he's no longer on your side? And to say Kenny is going to be mad at you is an understatement. Just be careful Will isn't going to use his talents on you sooner then you think.
FRASIER LOOKS QUITE CONCERNED OUT THE DOOR AFTER WILL
FRASIER
Thank you Roz. I feel so much better now.
ROZ
Now do you want me to help you or not?
FRASIER GIVES HER HIS BOOK
FRASIER
Fine. What does that mean?
ROZ
I have no idea.
FRASIER
I don't know what I'd do without you.
ROZ
You'd travel to work alone on the bus. Without me you'd be married to the man who talks to his socks. I've seen him with his eye on you.
FRASIER
That's because he keeps taking it out and throwing it at me.
ROZ
He used to do that to me. A clear sign that he likes you.
FRASIER
If he does it once more I may throw it out of the window.
ROZ
Have you seen the size of his muscles? That's not a good idea.
FRASIER
I've seen the size of everything. If he doesn't start to staple his trousers shut again I may start to walk to work instead.
ROZ
And I can just see you doing that. You'd quit work rather then walk there everyday.
FRASIER
Not if I do well on this.
ROZ
How are you going to do that? You don't even know what that sign is. Oh I know ask someone in here if they know.
FRASIER
And what are the chances that anyone in here will know?
ROZ
Then it's the bus for you.
FRASIER
Fine.
FRASIER PICKS UP THE BOOK AND MOVES TO THE COUNTER TOWARDS A WAITER, WAITRESS AND A MAN AND A WOMAN THAT ARE STANDING THERE
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Excuse me, do you have any idea what this traffic sign means? My friend and I are a little stuck.
FRASIER SHOWS THEM THE BOOK
WAITER
No left turn.
WAITRESS
Low flying birds.
MAN
Uneven road ahead.
WOMAN
Deer crossing.
FRASIER
I see so in other words none of you know. Thank you.
FRASIER SITS BACK DOWN
ROZ
This is stupid. Why weren't you paying attention in class?
NILES ENTERS AND APPROACHES THEIR TABLE
FRASIER
Why weren't you paying attention?
ROZ
I thought you were.
FRASIER
We should have been more careful about this.
ROZ
I know and now look at the trouble we're in.
NILES SITS DOWN WITH THEM
NILES
Wow! Please don't tell me I'm going to be an Uncle again.
ROZ
And that's the worst thing that could happen to you?
NILES
I'm going to have to go with yes.
FRASIER
Niles do you know what this means?
NILES LOOKS AT THE BOOK
NILES
Erm...no. But then I don't really need to know I have my license my none driving companions.
FRASIER
You're certainly snippy today.
NILES
Well so would you be if your fiancée refused to come anywhere near you. She's carrying a long wooden pole around with her. The moment I come anywhere near her, she points it at me insisting that, that's the closets safest distance we can be together.
ROZ
You still don't know what causing that rash?
NILES
No all I know is that it itches like the devil. My patients are starting to get worried about me. But then again it may have had something to do with the fact that I was rubbing myself up my desk to scratch myself during a session.
FRASIER
Oh she'll realise soon that it's got nothing to do with her.
NILES
Dear God I hope so.
ROZ
So if you have to stay at a pole's distance away from her I imagine it's pretty hard to do certain things.
NILES
Roz if I could do certain things from that distance don't you think I wouldn't have been in a freak show by now?
ROZ
I thought you looked flustered recently you're not having sex.
NILES
She's worried about killing me. Either way I'm likely to die. At least that way I'll go with a smile on my face. I have got to find out what's causing this.
FRASIER
Have you been to the doctors yet?
NILES
Yes but all he could tell me was that it was an allergic reaction. He was about as useful as a solar panel on a flashlight.
FRASIER
Well there's no need worrying about it, it'll only make it worse. Think about something else. Have you decided on your flowers yet?
NILES
Yes we have, we're going with the offer from Turks. They've been showing their gratitude ever since by sending yet more flowers. The smell in Daphne's room is so strong it's like catching the sent of some incredibly strong smelling salts. It nearly knocked me out yesterday.
FRASIER
Wait a second. All the flowers are in Daphne's room.
NILES
Yes they are since your tiny Hitler in a blue blazer ordered them out of the living room.
FRASIER
Are there any carnations?
NILES
A few.
FRASIER
Niles you've always been allergic to them. Remember? At Nana's funeral you were sneezing so hard you blew the candles out around her coffin.
NILES
Then I'll allergic to the flowers.
ROZ
And you're not allergic to Daphne.
NILES
Better still I can have sex again.
NILES TAKES OUT HIS MOBILE PHONE AND DIALS
NILES (CONT'D)
(ON PHONE) Hello Daphne! It's the carnations. I'm allergic to the flowers! I know! You throw out the flowers, I'll bring the wine.
NILES HANGS UP HIS PHONE, JUMPS TO HIS FEET AND RUNS TO THE DOOR
FRASIER
Niles before you go can you pick me up tonight from traffic school?
NILES
If I have to. My God how pitiful is it that neither of you can drive?
CUT TO:
(I)
INT. NILES'S CAR — AFTERNOON — DAY/7
(Niles)
NILES SITS IN A LINE OF TRAFFIC IN HIS CAR TALKING ON THE PHONE AND LOOKING RATHER FRUSTRATED
NILES
(ON PHONE) I'm coming I'm coming. There's traffic. Some hold up down the road.
NILES PUTS HIS HEAD OUT OF HIS WINDOW
NILES (CONT'D)
(SHOUTS) Who cares about if the tree dies to make way for a Starbucks, just get out of the way. (ON PHONE) Oh Daphne wait I know a shortcut. I'll be right there.
NILES HANGS UP HIS PHONE MAKES A SUDDEN RIGHT TURN AND STARTS TO DRIVE EXTREMELY QUICKLY AS WE:
FADE OUT
SFX: SOUND OF CAR WHEELS SCREECHING FOLLOWED BY A LOUD CRASH
(J)
FADE IN:
INT. CLASS ROOM — EVENING — DAY/8
(Niles, Matt, Frasier, Roz, Daphne, Martin, Extras)
THE CLASS ROOM IS AS BEFORE WITH MATT AT THE FRONT. ROZ AND FRASIER ONCE AGAIN SIT TOGETHER BUT ARE NOW JOINED BY NILES WHO STANDS
NILES
I am a bad, bad driver.
NILES SITS BACK DOWN
MATT
Well done Niles. The first step towards becoming a safe driver is admitting you have a problem. Now I've been very impressed with your driving tonight class. We only had twelve squashed cones. Congratulations. That's it for tonight. I'll see you again next week. But before you go what do I want to hear?
FRASIER AND NILES ROLLS THEIR EYES
EVERYONE
I am a bad, bad driver.
MATT
That's great. Goodnight everybody.
EVERYONE IN THE CLASS STANDS UP AND STARTS TO LEAVE
FRASIER
Come on let's get out of here.
NILES
You don't actually notice how much he bends down until you picture him in his underwear.
ROZ
I knew it! You're both doing it!
FRASIER
Well you made us.
NILES
Let's go, alcohol is needed.
FRASIER
I have a bottle of sherry at home with my name on it.
FRASIER AND NILES GO TO LEAVE BUT ROZ STANDS BY HER DESK STILL
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Roz are you coming?
ROZ
I'm going to ask Matt out first.
FRASIER
How can your mind turn to romance when we've just watched thirty minutes of gory car wrecks in slow motion?
NILES
Are you sure it's wise asking him out? He's our teacher.
ROZ
So?
FRASIER
Aren't there rules about this?
NILES
I thought it was illegal.
ROZ
This is not the third grade. We're both adults.
NILES
But what if he gives you a better mark because you've you know.
ROZ
Do you think I'm doing this for the grades?
FRASIER
It wouldn't be the first time.
NILES
It wouldn't be fair.
ROZ
Are you worried he's going to give me a better grade then you?
NILES
Maybe.
ROZ
Well if he does you know what you'll have to do to compete.
NILES
I'm not that bothered.
ROZ
Excuse me Matt, can I talk to you for a moment?
MATT
Sure. But I want to hear those magic words first.
ROZ
I am a bad, bad driver.
MATT
That's great.
ROZ
Matt I was wondering are you free tomorrow night?
MATT
You want a higher grade don't you?
ROZ
No, no not at all. I just wondered if you'd like to have dinner with me.
MATT
This is not the first time I've been offered sexual favours in exchange for answers.
FRASIER
I was offering a particularly fine bottle of wine.
MATT
I wasn't referring to you.
RITA, WHO IS STILL PACKING HER THINGS AWAY LOOKS UP GUILTILY
RITA
I said I was sorry.
MATT
There are two sets of people out there Roz. Good drivers and bad drivers. Everyone falls into one of those two categories. Don't talk to me about people who have never been bothered to learn. The people who can't drive. Those people are scum. They make me sick. They don't deserve to live in a world with such a magnificent invention as the automobile. I have great respect for cab drivers, truck drivers, bus drivers. People who dedicate their lives to the open road. To driving. To being good drivers. Good drivers and bad drivers don't mix Roz. The trouble it creates disrupts the natural order to things. I'm a good driver Roz and you are, come on let me here it.
ROZ
I am a bad, bad driver.
MATT
That's right. I'm sure you understand.
ROZ
Sure.
ROZ WALKS AWAY TO JOIN FRASIER AND NILES
ROZ (CONT'D)
I understand you're a freak. Come on let's go.
FRASIER
It's probably for the best.
MATT
I am a bad, bad driver. I should copyright that.
ROZ
He probably says that in bed.
FRASIER, NILES AND ROZ EXIT OUT OF THE CLASS ROOM
RESET TO:
INT. SCHOOL CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE AND MARTIN WAIT OUTSIDE THE CLASS ROOM DOOR AS FRASIER, NILES AND ROZ ENTER
DAPHNE
Are you all done for the day?
NILES
Yes.
DAPHNE TAKES NILES' HAND AND LEADS HIM OFF DOWN THE CORRIDOR LIKE A MOTHER WOULD DO WHEN PICKING UP HER CHILD FROM THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL
DAPHNE
Did you have a good day at class?
NILES
I did.
DAPHNE
What did you do today?
NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT AROUND THE CORNER
MARTIN
Have you got much homework?
FRASIER
Only a bit.
MARTIN
Have you behaved yourselves today? I haven't got to see the teacher have I?
ROZ
You know it was cute the first time you did it, now it's just annoying.
AS THEY START TO EXIT DOWN THE CORRIDOR WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWOCLOSING CREDITS: FRASIER SITS IN HIS BOOTH AT THE END OF THE SHOW. AS HE TURNS AROUND HE SEES KENNY WALK PAST THE GLASS LOOKING REALLY ANNOYED WITH WILL FOLLOWING HIM LIKE HIS SHADOW. FRASIER THEN JUMPS OFF HIS SEAT AND HIDES UNDER THE CONSOLE PULLING THE CHAIR AS CLOSE AS HE CAN TO HIM SO AS NOT TO BE SEEN. KENNY AND WILL ENTER AND LOOK IN THE BOOTH. KENNY THEN MARCHES INTO ROZ'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH LOOKING FOR FRASIER EVERYWHERE HE CAN THINK OF. HE QUESTIONS ROZ BUT SHE JUST SHRUGS HER SHOULDERS. STILL ANNOYED KENNY AND WILL EXIT OUT OF THE DOOR ON ROZ'S SIDE. AS SOON AS THEY ARE GONE, ROZ'S KNOCKS ON THE GLASS AND FRASIER COMES OUT FROM UNDER THE CONSOLE.
