I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.

And feedback would brighten my day more then you could imagine so please send any comments to kelly_simba@hotmail.com

For A, the one guy who stands above every other. You're an inspiration to me. The fact that you are alive today is a miracle that I will thank God everyday of my life for.

Enjoy...


Frasier
Alternative Season Nine Episode Twenty
High Society

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

TITLE CARD: "THEY COULD DOUBLE THE ADMISSION FEE"

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Niles, Martin, Frasier, Daphne, Allison)

FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM IS FULL OF BOXES OF JUNK FROM ALL OF THEIR CLOSETS. FRASIER, MARTIN, NILES AND DAPHNE DIG THROUGH THE BOXES SORTING EVERYTHING OUT INTO PILES TO BE THROWN AWAY OR KEPT. NILES PULLS A SMALL METAL TUBE FROM ONE OF THE BOXES

NILES

What is this?

NILES PULLS A DISGUSTED FACE AND HOLDS IT BY THE VERY END

NILES (CONT'D)

And why is it all wet? Oh that is disgusting. (CONCERNED) Where have you been putting this in your room, alone at night in the dark?

MARTIN

Do we really need to know the answer to that? I would like to sleep again sometime in the near future and my room is right next to his. I have enough horror shows going on in my head. Sometimes the memory of a dead dismembered hooker is a little light relief from imagining what Frasier's doing in that room.

FRASIER

Is it so bad sleeping next to me?

MARTIN

Every now and then I can hear you chirping in your sleep.

FRASIER

And moving swiftly on. I think Eddie has just been licking it Niles.

NILES

Oh dear God!

NILES IMMEDIATELY DROPS IT AND THEN GETS HIS HANDKERCHIEF OUT TO WIPE HIS HANDS

FRASIER

I have absolutely no idea what it is.

NILES

Then what are you doing with it in your closet? Have you leased it out as a sanctuary for all things with no purpose to meet and get a tiny amount of self-respect back?

FRASIER

It was a Birthday present from Lilith about five years ago. I still don't know what it is today let alone what it does. Much like Lilith while I was married to her.

DAPHNE

It looks like something you'd use to give an elephant an enema. I bet that makes their eyes water.

FRASIER

Thank you Daphne for your insight. And if I wasn't going to throw it away before I certainly am now.

FRASIER PICKS IT UP AND PUTS IT IN A BOX MARKED 'TRASH'

MARTIN

Maybe it's a drain cleaner. Or some sort of farm animal wormer. I think I've seen the vet use something similar on Eddie. What does it smell like?

DAPHNE

Or maybe it's some sort of liposuction contraption. Does Lilith think you need to loose a little weight?

NILES

He has been looking rather hippy recently.

MARTIN

That's holiday weight. He never did loose those extra pounds.

FRASIER

Well forgive me for not staying in shape. At the risk of obesity its being thrown out I don't care what it is.

FRASIER PICKS UP A TIE FROM ANOTHER BOX AND QUICKLY SCREWS IT UP INTO A BALL AND ATTEMPTS TO PUT IT IN HIS POCKET WITHOUT DAPHNE SEEING

DAPHNE

What's that you're hiding?

FRASIER

(DEFENSIVE) Nothing. Nothing at all.

FRASIER TRIES TO PUT IT IN THE 'TRASH' BOX

DAPHNE

Hang about there! Give that here! That's that tie I bought you last year for Christmas. Why are you throwing it out? It's lovely.

FRASIER

Daphne it has psychedelic gophers on it.

DAPHNE

So?

FRASIER

Psychedelic gopher's playing tennis. It's hideous. I wouldn't inflict this on my worst enemy. When was the last time you even saw me touch something like this let alone wear it? (REALISING) And don't act all hurt with me. Where is that sweater I bought you last Christmas?

DAPHNE

I still have it.

FRASIER

Can I see it?

DAPHNE

No.

FRASIER

Oh why not?

DAPHNE

(THINKS AND BLATANTLY LYING) Because it's around at Niles'. I keep it there. He likes to wear it when I'm not there with him. You know like a comforter.

FRASIER

(SUSPICIOUSLY) A pink sweater?

DAPHNE

Yes. (TO NILES) That's right isn't it?

NILES

(RELUCTANTLY) Erm...I'm going to have to go with yes on that one.

MARTIN

Well doesn't that just make me proud?

NILES PICKS UP A PILE OF SHIRTS

NILES

Do you want these rather hallucinogenic shirts? Wait a second what are you doing with a Hawaiian shirt?

FRASIER TAKES THE SHIRTS AND PUTS THEM IN ANOTHER BOX

FRASIER

Throwing it out. It reminds me of Bora Bora and I have a broken bed and an order banning me from ever returning to the hotel to remind me of that. Okay Dad now let's have a look through your box.

MARTIN

What do you mean? You're not throwing anything of mine out. You'll start by clearing out my closest and end up putting Eddie down the garbage shoot.

FRASIER

Oh don't tempt me. But you don't need any of this stuff. It just breeds dust bunnies in your closet.

MARTIN

I need this.

MARTIN PICKS UP A HAIRBRUSH

NILES

It's a really old hairbrush.

DAPHNE

What could you possibly want that for?

MARTIN

Erm maybe for cooking an egg with. To brush my hair with what do you think I need it for?

FRASIER

But it's vile. It's likely to give you mange.

MARTIN

I'm keeping it.

DAPHNE

You can see something moving on it.

MARTIN

I'm not throwing it out.

FRASIER PICKS UP A PLASTIC MERMAID LAMP

FRASIER

Fine but this has to go.

MARTIN

If that goes you go buddy.

MARTIN TAKES THE LAMP AND HUGS IT

NILES

But it's a plastic mermaid lamp. When you look up tacky in the dictionary you see a picture of you holding that lamp in your Viking hat.

MARTIN

I like it. She's really pretty.

DAPHNE

A plastic mermaid Barbie doll is pretty? You really need to find a woman. All right then if you like it so much then why is it boxed away in the back of you closet?

MARTIN

(CHANGING THE SUBJECT) When are we going to start cleaning out your stuff?

DAPHNE

Oh no you're not going in my room. Dr. Crane's ruthless. As soon as he gets a garbage bag in his hand he turns into Hitler.

FRASIER

How flattering.

DAPHNE

Anyway I'm not going to be here much longer, so I won't be cluttering up the apartment anymore.

NILES

You're bringing everything out of your room?

DAPHNE

I can't leave any of it here.

FRASIER

I'll second that. I do take it you're taking your unicorns with you Daphne? Not that I won't miss their colourful mains and goggly eyes that follow me around the room.

DAPHNE

And when exactly where you in my room to have them follow you?

FRASIER

(CHANGING THE SUBJECT) Oh look my old Harvard t-shirt!

DAPHNE

Of course I'm taking them with me and I've already found the perfect place for them.

DAPHNE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

MARTIN

Down the garbage disposal?

NILES

Oh my God I forgot about the unicorns. Okay I need to find a way to make them explode without arousing suspicion. Any ideas?

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH A GLASS OF WATER

NILES (CONT'D)

They weren't part of the deal. I have no room for them.

DAPHNE

Yes you do in the living room and you'll have even more room when I've had a good clean out around at your place.

NILES

What?

DAPHNE

I can't have my unicorns out but you have room for those frightening masks that look like the Village People on crack?

NILES

Who? (THEN) Maybe a compromise is in order.

DAPHNE

Oh I think so.

THEY KISS AS FRASIER LOOKS AT HIS WATCH

FRASIER

I wonder what's keeping Allison.

MARTIN

Is she coming tonight?

FRASIER

Yes she agreed to help me sort through all of this before we go out to dinner.

NILES

You really know how to treat the ladies don't you Frasier. Make them clean for you, that'll keep them keen.

SFX: DOORBELL

DAPHNE

Speak of the devil.

FRASIER

I hope not. I doubt she'll have brought that demon puppet. But just to be on the safe side everyone grab hold of something long and pointy to hit it with like a Piñata. And don't stop until candy comes out.

FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND ALLISON ENTERS CARRYING HER TRUNK

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Hi Allison.

FRASIER GOES TO KISS ALLISON BUT SHE BACKS AWAY

ALLISON

Don't come near me I smell like the zoo. And that's not the most sexually appealing sent in the world. Well unless you're a stoat in heat looking for some action.

MARTIN

A new perfume?

NILES GETS HIS HANDKERCHIEF OUT AND COVERS HIS NOSE AND MOUTH

ALLISON

I was doing a show there and I left Spankey behind. By the time I realised that he'd gone and got back, a monkey in the next enclosure had decided that he'd found a new friend and was making him feel right at home if you know what I mean.

FRASIER

Oh dear.

ALLISON

The school children were a little shocked to say the least. That's one show that they don't advertise on the brochure. I'm going to be soaking him in bleach for hours. No wonder his eyes are crossed. (THEN) This is getting ridiculous I'm leaving him in the oddest places recently. At the top of the Space Needle, at the park, the operating theatre at the hospital, in a cab, in the men's room at the Police station. (OFF FRASIER'S CONCERNED LOOK) It's a long story.

FRASIER

Well I'm certainly glad you're here now.

NILES

But only when you're down wind.

ALLISON

I can't go to the restaurant like this. People will think the meat has gone bad.

DAPHNE

Well if you did you'd certainly get served quicker.

ALLISON

Do you mind if I go home and take a shower rather then help you before we go out? I smell awful and I can see Niles' eyes watering from here.

FRASIER

Not at all. You go on home and I'll pick you up around seven.

ALLISON

Okay great. Bye guys.

DAPHNE

Bye Allison.

MARTIN

See ya.

NILES

Is it at all possible to take this smell with you?

ALLISON

Sorry not one of my super powers.

ALLISON EXITS AS MARTIN PICKS HIS HAIRBRUSH BACK UP AGAIN

DAPHNE

Put that brush back old man you don't need it.

MARTIN

Yes I do.

DAPHNE

Then let's see you use it.

MARTIN

I don't feel like using it.

DAPHNE

That's because it's revolting. Just throw it out.

NILES POINTS TO A TRUNK BY THE CONSOLE

NILES

What's that?

FRASIER PICKS IT UP AND OPENS IT

FRASIER

Oh I don't believe it. The demon walks amongst us.

AS FRASIER PRODUCES ALLISON'S PUPPET, SPANKEY, FROM THE TRUNK WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — MORNING — DAY/2
(Sarah, Daphne, Laura, Waiter, Roz)

DAPHNE SITS ON HER OWN IN THE MIDDLE OF NERVOSA AS TWO OF HER ENGLISH FRIENDS OF ROUGHLY THE SAME AGE, SARAH AND LAURA, ENTER AND SIT WITH HER

SARAH

Hiya Daphne.

DAPHNE

Hello.

LAURA

Long time no see. What have you been up to? Has that Niles of yours been keeping you busy?

DAPHNE SMILES TO HERSELF

DAPHNE

I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

A YOUNG WAITER APPROACHES THE TABLE

SARAH

But your smile obvious does. All right stop gloating. Don't rub it in, we know we're lonely and horny.

THE WAITER IS MESMERISED BY SARAH

WAITER

It's nice to meet you I'm Carl.

SARAH

That's nice now off you go to play with your toys young man.

THE WAITER GOES BACK TO THE COUNTER

DAPHNE

That's the first time you've not pounced like a lion on a zebra carcass on anyone that young. Are you feeling ill?

SARAH

I have to draw the line at when I was just old enough to drink he was still sperm. It means I have less to confess in church.

DAPHNE

It has been a long time, what have you both been up to?

LAURA

Nothing much except I had to have my tongue piercing removed.

DAPHNE

Why?

LAURA

(EMBARRASSED) I got it caught on...something.

SARAH

(GRINNING) Or rather someone. It was most amusing to explain it to the paramedics what was wrong with her after I'd taken several photos and called my mother in Florida to tell her the news. She hasn't been able to show her face in polite society since, so there's not much change there. Nothing much has happened with me. Well my mother got married again but what's new?

DAPHNE

Again? How many times is that now? She must be heading for a record.

SARAH

Oh who can remember? Fourteen, maybe fifteen times. It's so hard to keep track. I have more fathers then there are in the average retirement home. And yet she still insists on wearing a white wedding dress. How can she wear white when she now has a litter of children swinging from her? (THEN) So are you coming tonight?

DAPHNE

Where to?

LAURA

Alan's arranged a girl's only night down at the Fox and Whistle. He's got two strippers performing called The Anaconda and The Rattle Snake. I can already picture their glistening gyrating hips just saying that.

DAPHNE

I see they leave no room for misinterpretation do they?

SARAH

So are you coming?

DAPHNE

I can't I have a fundraiser to go to with Niles.

LAURA

A fundraiser? You're going to a boring fundraiser when you could be smothering two beefy guys with baby oil in nothing but tight thongs and a smile? What are you insane?

SARAH

The old Daphne would have been there three hours before the doors opened with one thing on her mind and a fistful full of dollars bills in her sweaty hand.

DAPHNE

And what's the supposed to mean? The old Daphne? Have I suddenly been cloned without knowing?

LAURA

You just don't any of this stuff anymore.

DAPHNE

Yes I do.

SARAH

All right then where were you when we all got drunk and decided to go to San Francisco on the pull for the weekend with nothing in our pockets except a g-string and a toothbrush?

DAPHNE

Niles had this thing with his wine club I went to instead. And it wasn't as if I missed much. I told you going to San Francisco was a bad idea. That's like getting blood out of a stone.

SARAH

And yet a couple of guys gave us some fantastic recipes and beauty tips.

LAURA

You never have time for anything down the pub since you and Niles got engaged. You've left our social circle for his. It's like you're above it now.

DAPHNE

That's not true. I go between the two. Just because I spend a lot of time with Niles' friends doesn't mean I've abandoned my roots. Don't forget I'm working class and there's not a day that goes by where I don't wake up and remember that fact.

SARAH

Okay then friend to the workingman what's this fundraiser for tonight that you're going to? Orphans? A hospital?

DAPHNE

It's for a very worthy cause.

SARAH

Such as?

DAPHNE

It's for under privilege children. We're raising money to teach them how to fence.

LAURA

Dear God they are under privileged. I'll donate one hundred dollars now. How are they not organising a telethon for the poor souls?

DAPHNE

I have not changed.

SARAH LOOKS AT HER WATCH

SARAH

Oh shoot. We'll have to continue this another time we've got to run it's almost twelve o'clock.

DAPHNE

Back to work?

LAURA

No there's this cute guy with buns of steel that buys a newspaper from the corner everyday at around this time. See ya.

LAURA AND SARAH STAND AND MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE DOOR

LAURA (CONT'D)

(TO SARAH) How are we going to make him drop his change and bend down today?

LAURA AND SARAH EXIT OUT OF NERVOSA

DAPHNE

(TO HERSELF) I have not changed. I'm the same person I was two years. I'm the same person I was five years ago. What a load of nonsense.

ROZ ENTERS AND SITS WITH DAPHNE

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

(IMMEDIATELY) Roz do you think I've changed?

ROZ

And hello to you too. What are you talking about?

DAPHNE

Do you think I've changed since I got together with Niles?

ROZ

No. Of course not. What's brought this on?

DAPHNE

Some of me old friends from the pub have just said it because I'm going to a fundraiser with Niles tonight instead of going to see some strippers with them.

ROZ

(SHOCKED) What are you insane? Stuffed shirts and Niles against strippers? The strippers have to win every time. Why do you even need to think about it? Give me the address I'll go instead.

DAPHNE

So you don't think I've changed?

ROZ

Well maybe a little. I mean when's the last time you talked about one of your 'visions' for so long that it made Frasier whine to me about it?

DAPHNE

That doesn't mean I've changed as a person, I just don't discuss them as much. He really whine's to you about them?

ROZ

Yeah but then I invested in some earplugs. Now I just nod at everything he says. It's the only way I can sit through his show everyday with falling into a coma. The next stage is painting eyes on my eyelids so I can nap as well.

AS DAPHNE LAUGHS AND ROZ ORDERS A COFFEE WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

TITLE CARD: "THEY GATHER THERE INSTEAD OF HAVING COFFEE MORNINGS"

FADE IN:

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/2
(Frasier, Roz, Allison)

FRASIER STANDS IN HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH LOOKING AT A PHOTO OF HIMSELF ON A PROTOTYPE FOR A POSTER AS ROZ ENTERS FROM HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH

FRASIER

Roz look at this photo. It's for the new poster.

ROZ STARES AT THE PICTURE

ROZ

Isn't it about time they included just a tiny photo of me? I mean what would the show be without me?

FRASIER

Professional?

ROZ

Okay funny boy let's see how well you do on your own. I'll put twenty bucks on you'll blow yourself up before the end of the first phone call.

FRASIER

Oh Roz I'm only joking. But seriously what do you think of this photo?

ROZ

It's fine.

FRASIER

You don't think I look a little oh I don't know, odd?

ROZ

You always look a little odd. (OFF FRASIER'S LOOK) Oh all right. Why do you think you look odd?

FRASIER

If I knew that I wouldn't be discussing it with you. Something just doesn't look right. That's not the Frasier Crane I know and love staring back at me. I don't look like that, do I?

ROZ TAKES THE PHOTO OFF FRASIER AND HOLDS IT IN FRONT OF HIM

ROZ

Frasier this is a photo of yourself. This is what you look like. Except you've blatantly had them add a bit more hair to your head. It wasn't that thick when I first met you.

FRASIER

Something is definitely wrong. Look at my eyes.

ROZ STARES AT HIS EYES

FRASIER (CONT'D)

I meant on the photo. Do they look normal?

ROZ

They do have a certain slightly stoned, morning after, glazed kind of quality to them but they look like that everyday. There is nothing wrong with the photo. You look great. Very handsome.

FRASIER

Do you really think so?

ROZ

Of course I do. You just wait as soon as this poster hits the bus shelters there will be queues of women waiting to rub themselves up it. And not just women, you have a very large following in the gay community. But I guess that's because you're so prissy. (THEN) I mean that in a good way. I say it about firemen all the time, that hunky guy is so prissy.

FRASIER

I guess that's better then the reaction to my current poster.

ROZ

What's wrong with that one? Except there isn't one left in the city without a hairy mole and a lazy eye added? Not a flattering look on you.

FRASIER

They seem to be a gathering place for dogs to relieve themselves lets say. My skin colour has gone a distinctive yellow colour. I look as if I have scurvy. It's no wonder I've always struggled to find dates when that's the image on display to the City.

ALLISON ENTERS INTO FRASIER'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH

ALLISON

Can I come in? You're not on air are you?

ROZ

Not right now. Frasier's just having his pre show whine like he always does. Some people do motivational chants or play inspirational music, Frasier just pouts like a child and tries to get me to rub his belly.

FRASIER

Don't you have some levels to check?

ROZ

Not really.

FRASIER

(POINTING OUT THE WINDOW) Oh look a fireman in tight leather trousers.

ROZ RUSHES AND EXITS OUT OF THE BOOTH AND ALLISON LOOKS OUT OF THE WINDOW

FRASIER (CONT'D)

I didn't mean for you to look. This is a surprise to see you.

ALLISON

I won't bother you long. I just need to know did I leave my trunk at your place again this morning? I have fears I left it in the trunk of a taxi again.

FRASIER

I'm not sure. Do you want me to get Dad to have a look and drop it by if it is still there?

ALLISON

No it's okay. I'll use someone else this afternoon.

FRASIER

Well I'll drop it by later.

ALLISON

Okay great. Well I'll see you later. Go heal the masses.

FRASIER

Bye.

THEY KISS BEFORE ALLISON EXITS AND ROZ ENTERS BACK INTO THE BOOTH

ROZ

That wasn't funny. What were the odds that today would be the day for Gill to go through a mid life crisis and wear a pair of leather pants to work? I'm going to spend the next week washing my hands. (THEN) Frasier there's something I need to ask you. Is everything okay with Daphne? Has she been acting strangely with you?

FRASIER

Everything Daphne does is strange. But so that we never have to have her committed we've chosen to find her adorable. Which is a good thing considering. Had we not taken this view she'd have been wearing a white jacket and sitting in a padded room the moment I asked where the Cabinet was and she responded with right next to cabin B.

ROZ

Other then that she's done nothing out of the ordinary?

FRASIER

I don't think so. She's been her usual self. She was telling us this morning about how Grammy Moon got drunk and passed out on the turkey one Christmas Day. Unfortunately it was apparently in the oven at the time. How that woman lived to the age she did I'll never know. Why do you ask?

ROZ

I saw her in Nervosa this morning, and she was asking me if I thought she'd changed since she'd been with Niles.

FRASIER

If anyone's changed it's Niles.

ROZ

Yes now I guess you're the horny idiot.

AS FRASIER GLARES AT ROZ WE:

FADE OUT

(D)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2
(Martin, Frasier, Niles, Daphne)

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR WATCHING THE GAME ON THE TELEVISION AS FRASIER WONDERS AROUND THE APARTMENT LOOKING FOR SOMETHING. WHEN HE HAS WALKED IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION ONE TOO MANY TIMES MARTIN FINALLY SNAPS

MARTIN

Will you sit still I'm trying to watch the game. It was easier to watch the playoffs with Duke when he had piles and he was up and down like a jack in the box for the entire game.

FRASIER

Thank you for sharing that with me. I'm looking for something.

MARTIN

Well go and look over the side of the balcony or down the toilet until this is over.

FRASIER

Thanks for the help Dad.

MARTIN

You're welcome. I'm your Dad that's what I'm here for.

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND NILES ENTERS WEARING A TUXEDO

FRASIER

Oh hello Niles.

NILES

(CONCERNED) Frasier, that vein is throbbing on your forehead again. There have been no birds attacking one another in the street so Lilith can't be back in town. What's wrong?

FRASIER

You didn't by any chance take a trunk containing a puppet home with you this morning did you?

NILES

Although I have got into the habit of collecting trunks with possessed pieces of wood in over the last few weeks I can't say as I did. Why what's the matter?

FRASIER

I've lost Allison's puppet.

NILES

How can you loose it? It's an evil piece of hairy wood in a giant leather crate. You'd find it easier to loose Mount. Rushmore on a clear day.

FRASIER

That doesn't really help me though does it Niles.

NILES

Did you put it in your room?

FRASIER

Nope I checked.

NILES

How about in the kitchen? Maybe you put it in the refrigerator when you were getting a bottle of water out.

FRASIER

Of course Niles and maybe you've gone insane.

NILES

There's no need to get snippy. Where's the last place you saw it?

FRASIER

If I knew that I wouldn't be looking for it now.

NILES

Well it can't have got up and walked out of the apartment.

FRASIER

I wouldn't be surprised. All is not right with that puppet.

NILES

Are you surprised considering what that monkey did to it? You may have him calling into the show whilst standing on a window ledge.

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM IN A VERY GLAMOROUS DRESS

FRASIER

Oh Daphne you haven't taken Allison's puppet into your room have you?

DAPHNE

Oh all right you've caught me. I have a fetish about cuddling up to a large block of hairy wood. The splinters get me down every now and then and it takes me hours to remove them from all sorts of unusual places but it's worth it.

FRASIER

I'll take that as a no then shall I?

DAPHNE

If you like.

NILES

(TO DAPHNE) You look stunning.

THEY KISS

DAPHNE

You don't look too bad yourself. I love your tux. Very James Bond like.

NILES

Do you think so?

DAPHNE

Talk about sex on legs in a suit.

FRASIER

All right you two. Can you stop the foreplay for one moment and help me find my puppet.

FRASIER WALKS TO THE TELEVISION AND SWITCHES IT OFF

MARTIN

Hey what did you do that for?

FRASIER

Because Allison is expecting it back and I need help. You can watch the highlights later. Now help me look.

MARTIN

I'm going to look for it down at McGinty's.

FRASIER GLARES AT MARTIN

MARTIN

Oh fine.

MARTIN WALKS OVER TO THE COUCH AND STARTS TO LOOK BEHIND THE CUSHIONS

FRASIER

It's not going to have got squeezed down the back of the couch Dad. It's ever so slightly bigger then a nickel.

NILES

You don't suppose Eddie would have taken it somewhere.

DAPHNE

It's not unlikely that monkey fancied his chances. And Eddie will try it on with anything. No table leg, pillow, or pile of washing is safe from him so I doubt Spankey survived without a night of romance.

NILES

I meant could he have buried him at the dog park?

FRASIER

And you don't think we'd have noticed him dragging a block of wood with eyes out of the apartment by his feet?

NILES

It's not completely implausible.

DAPHNE

Maybe someone broke into the apartment and stole it.

MARTIN

And just taken a puppet?

DAPHNE

No, they might have stolen something else. Like a plastic mermaid lamp and a ratty old hairbrush for example.

MARTIN

You better not have given them away.

FRASIER

We would never have done that Dad. No one wanted them we had to throw them away.

NILES

Wait a second. Do you think it got put into your storage space with everything else?

FRASIER

That's impossible it all got thrown away. Everything that was left by the front door the super came and put in the dumpster outside this afternoon. (REALISING) Oh dear God!

DAPHNE

Dr. Crane you didn't by any chance leave the puppet by the front door did you?

FRASIER RUNS AND EXITS OUT THE FRONT DOOR

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

I'll take that as a yes.

AS DAPHNE AND NILES GO TO LEAVE WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(E)

FADE IN:

INT. FUNDRAISER BALLROOM — EVENING — DAY/2
(Niles, Daphne, Chester, Diana, Fern, Waiter)

THE ROOM IS ELEGANTLY DRESSED FOR THE OCCASION AND REEKS OF PEOPLE WITH MONEY. ON THE RIGHT HAND SIDE OF THE ROOM IS A BAR AND THE ENTRANCE. ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE IS A BAND AND A SMALL DANCE FLOOR. THE ROOM IS FULL TO THE RAFTERS OF PEOPLE CONGRATULATING ONE ANOTHER ON BEING SO GENEROUS. NILES AND DAPHNE SIT AT A TABLE CLOSEST TO THE ENTRANCE WITH SEVERAL OTHER PEOPLE, INCLUDING TWO EXQUISITELY DRESSED WOMEN, DIANA AND FERN. DAPHNE LOOKS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE

NILES

Daphne are you feeling okay?

DAPHNE

I'm fine.

NILES

You don't look fine. You look clenched.

DAPHNE

If you're trying to seduce me doctor you're doing a pretty rotten job of it.

NILES

Point taken. Are you sure you're okay?

DAPHNE

Well I'm...

CHESTER, A MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE HE HAS MONEY TO BURN, APPROACHES THE TABLE AND GOES TO SHAKE NILES' HAND

CHESTER

Crane good to see you again. We know we can always bank of you for a generous donation. Thanks to you there'll be more children with foils in their hands this summer.

NILES

I like to do what I can.

CHESTER

Have you met Senator Green?

NILES

(TO DAPHNE) I'll be right back.

DAPHNE

Take your time.

NILES STANDS AND FOLLOWS CHESTER OVER TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM. DAPHNE SITS FOR A MOMENT LOOKING AROUND THE ROOM FOR A FRIENDLY FACE TO TALK TO

DIANA

Did you see the new Kinnear exhibit?

FERN

It was exquisite wasn't it? Bruce and I spent quite a lot of time with the artist afterwards. It was most satisfying to discover that he detests the new Johnson portrait as much as we do.

DAPHNE

You know me brothers used to paint.

DIANA

Really dear? And what was it they used to paint? Houses?

DAPHNE

Not quite. My brother Billy made quite a bob or two painting some of the neighbours pets as a child. He was really good at it as well. That was until my other brothers decided to get in on the act and did paint the neighbours pets quite literally. Mrs. Randall's Poofy was green for weeks.

FERN

(TO DIANA) Shall we get a glass of champagne?

DIANA

If you'll excuse us.

DIANA AND FERN GET UP AND MOVE QUICKLY TOWARDS THE BAR AS A WAITER PUTS A TRAY ON THE TABLE AND STARTS TO COLLECT THE EMPTY GLASSES

DAPHNE

How are you this evening?

WAITER

I'm sorry I'm not permitted to socialise with the guests.

THE WAITER FINISHES PICKING UP THE GLASSES AND MOVES TO THE BAR

DAPHNE

That makes two of us.

NILES WALKS BACK OVER TO THE TABLE AND SITS BACK DOWN

NILES

That man could bore you to death in one foul swoop. I'm sure he's the soul cause of narcolepsy in the whole of the Washington state area.

DAPHNE

Why are we here?

NILES

I have to be here.

DAPHNE

All right then why am I here? I don't fit in here.

NILES

That's nonsense. Everyone here loves you.

DAPHNE

Then they do a really good job of hiding it.

NILES

Forget everybody else here; let's just focus on us. (IN A VERY BAD SCOTTISH ACCENT) Would you care to dance young lady?

NILES STANDS AND TAKES DAPHNE'S HAND

DAPHNE

Was that supposed to be Scottish?

NILES

Possibly. It's better then your American.

DAPHNE

Once again lousy job on the seducing front tonight Mr. Bond.

NILES

Let's show this crowd what we're made of.

DAPHNE STANDS TO REVEAL THAT THE BACK OF HER DRESS IS STUCK DOWN THE BACK OF HER UNDERWEAR REVEALING ALL. AS NILES IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF HER DANCING HE DOESN'T NOTICE AS EVERYONE ELSE STARES AND LAUGHS AND WE:

FADE OUT

(F)

TITLE CARD: "ROZ DOYLE — DUMPSTER QUEEN"

FADE IN:

EXT. STREET CORNER OUTSIDE THE ELLIOT BAY TOWERS — NIGHT — DAY/2
(Roz, Frasier, Man)

FRASIER AND ROZ STAND OUTSIDE THE BUILDING BY A BACK ALLEY THAT HAS SEVERAL DUMPSTERS LINED UP. ROZ JUMPS UP AND DOWN TO KEEP WARM

ROZ

What exactly are we doing out here? Apart from freezing my ass off. When you called me you didn't mention anything about hanging around on a street corner. I had dinner and a movie more in mind.

FRASIER

We're looking for Spankey.

ROZ

And where exactly are you expecting him to be? Standing on the street corner trying to sell his little wooden body to young men looking for a good time and with a few dollars in their pockets?

FRASIER

You seem to be confusing him with yourself.

ROZ

Oh can you imagine where you'd get splinters.

FRASIER

I'd rather not thank you very much.

ROZ

Where am I supposed to be looking? Down the manhole? You didn't actually flush him down the toilet did you? Because the sewer people will have snapped him up for firewood the moment he came whizzing down that pipe.

FRASIER

No I didn't. Now get in the dumpster.

ROZ

Excuse me?

FRASIER

The super must have thrown him away with the rest of the junk from my closet so he must be in one of these dumpsters.

ROZ

And what does that have to do with me?

FRASIER

I want you to get in the dumpster and have a dig around.

ROZ

No way!

FRASIER

Please Roz.

ROZ

Why can't you do it?

FRASIER

Because I'm too big to fit in there.

ROZ

No you're not. You get in the dumpster and dig around.

FRASIER

I'll pay you. Twenty dollars.

ROZ

No.

A MAN WALKS PAST THEM AND OVER HEARS

FRASIER

Fifty dollars.

ROZ

No.

MAN

Come on buddy she's worth much more then that. She's gorgeous. Although it all depends on what she'll do. Do you woof? Would you object to scent marking me?

FRASIER

I want her to get into the dumpster and look for something.

MAN

Ooh kinky. I like your style.

THE MAN WALKS AWAY AND EXITS AS FRASIER AND ROZ STARE AFTER HIM

FRASIER

One hundred dollars and a wide screen television.

ROZ

How wide?

FRASIER

The longer you stay in the dumpster and look the wider it gets.

ROZ

And that doesn't sound at all perverted does it. Oh fine. But you've got to help me get in.

FRASIER

And how do I do that? Call and get a stair lift fitted? We really don't have the time Roz.

ROZ

Give me a boost.

FRASIER

But your shoes are dirty and I don't have any gloves.

ROZ

Do you want me to get in the dumpster or not?

FRASIER

Oh fine. Just don't put your shoe in my face.

FRASIER AND ROZ MOVE OVER TO THE DUMPSTER BEFORE FRASIER CUPS HIS HANDS FOR ROZ TO STAND ON. ROZ GRABS ON TO THE EDGE OF THE DUMPSTER AND CAREFULLY TRIES TO CLIMB OVER THE EDGE

ROZ

Be careful I don't want to go in headfirst. I said be careful!

FRASIER TRIES TO HELP ROZ BY PUSHING HER BUT UNFORTUNATELY PUSHES HER TOO HARD WHICH CAUSES HER TO FALL IN THE DUMPSTER HEAD FIRST. AS FRASIER TRIES TO PEER OVER THE EDGE TO SEE HER, ROZ EVENTUALLY EMERGES COVERED IN TRASH

FRASIER

You seem to have a tiny something in your hair there.

ROZ PULLS SOMETHING THAT LOOKS LIKE LETTUCE FROM HER HAIR BEFORE SHE STANDS UP AND STARTS TO LOOK AROUND

ROZ

I'm going to hope to God that's mud and there's isn't a diaper in here. Oh my God! This is disgusting. It's squelching under my feet. What do people eat in your building? It smells like hell.

FRASIER

We're not here to judge the people in the building just to find Spankey.

ROZ

What is that?

ROZ PICKS SOMETHING UP TO LOOK AT IT

ROZ

Oh my God it's a toe!

FRASIER

A what?

ROZ

It's a human toe. It's a severed human toe. It even has its nail painted. What kind of freaky person wears bright green nail varnish? Oh maybe that's mould.

ROZ GOES TO GIVE IT TO FRASIER WHO BACKS AWAY

FRASIER

Well don't give it to me I don't want it.

ROZ

It won't hurt you.

FRASIER

It might have a disease.

ROZ

That caused the rest of it to rot away?

FRASIER

Have you never heard of leprosy? It's a disease on the come back. It's not out of the realms of possibility. Why would there be a toe in the dumpster outside my building?

ROZ

I'd answer that Frasier but as you said we're not here to judge the people in the building.

FRASIER

What do we do with it?

ROZ

Call the Police. See if they can identify who it is.

FRASIER

And how would they do that? When was the last time the Police took a toe print from you?

ROZ

There's no need to be sarcastic.

ROZ GETS DISTRACTED BY SOMETHING IN THE DUMPSTER AND CONTINUES TO DIG THROUGH THE GARBAGE

ROZ (CONT'D)

Here's a piece of wood. No it's not Spankey. Here's Martin's mermaid lamp.

FRASIER

(IMMEDIATELY) Leave it.

ROZ

I dread to think what else is in here.

FRASIER

As long as there isn't anything alive in there I wouldn't worry about it.

ROZ

I wouldn't put money on it...

A CAT JUMPS FROM THE NEXT DUMPSTER AND LANDS ON ROZ CAUSING HER TO SCREAM AND FALL OVER

ROZ

Ahhhhhhhhh.

FRASIER

Roz stop playing with the cat and look for Spankey.

ROZ SHAKES OFF THE CAT AND TRIES TO STAND BACK UP

ROZ

(SHOUTS) I'm so sorry for wasting time but surely you can see I'm having so much fun in here!

AS ROZ CONTINUES TO LOOK IN THE DUMPSTER WE:

FADE OUT

(G)

FADE IN:

INT. NILES' BEDROOM — NIGHT — DAY/2
(Daphne, Niles)

NILES AND DAPHNE LIE IN BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WITH NILES FAST ASLEEP AND WITH DAPHNE WIDE AWAKE LOOKING WORRIEDLY UP AT THE CEILING. SHE THEN SITS UP AND STARTS TO POKE NILES TO WAKE HIM UP

DAPHNE

Niles! Niles!

NILES SUDDENLY WAKES WITH A START

NILES

What? I didn't touch the beaver he hit me first.

DAPHNE

What?

NILES

What what?

DAPHNE

What were you just saying?

NILES

I don't know I was asleep. What time is it?

DAPHNE

Three-twenty. Don't go back to sleep I need to talk to you.

NILES PUTS HIS HEAD BACK ON THE PILLOW AND RELAXES

NILES

Okay. What about?

DAPHNE

About something that happened today.

NILES STARTS TO SNORE

DAPHNE

I was...Niles. Niles!

DAPHNE SMACKS NILES AND HE WAKES BACK UP

NILES

What?

DAPHNE

Did you go back to sleep?

NILES

No, not at all. I just shut my eyes.

DAPHNE

Yes you did. You started to snore.

NILES

Did I? Oh well I'm sorry. Carry on.

NILES PUTS HIS HEAD BACK ON THE PILLOW AGAIN

DAPHNE

Something happened today that's bothering me. I was in Nervosa and I ran into a couple of the girls from down the pub. Are you listening? Niles. Niles!

DAPHNE SMACKS NILES AGAIN AND HE WAKES BACK UP YET AGAIN

NILES

What? Is there a burglar? Find something that looks like a gun.

DAPHNE

You went to sleep again.

NILES

Did I? I'm sorry sweetheart I'm tired.

NILES PUTS HIS HEAD BACK ON HIS PILLOW AND CLOSES HIS EYES

DAPHNE

More like narcoleptic. Are you going to stay awake? Niles. Niles! If you wake up I promise you sex when I'm done talking this through.

NILES IMMEDIATELY OPENS HIS EYES AND SITS UP

NILES

And I'm awake and feeling suddenly sprightly.

DAPHNE

Go and stand by the door.

NILES

Why? Do I have to wear a dunce hat?

DAPHNE

Because then I'll be sure you won't fall back to sleep again.

NILES GETS OUT OF BED AND GOES TO STAND BY THE DOOR

NILES

Okay. What do you want to talk about?

DAPHNE

Do you think I've changed?

NILES

I don't think so. You were wearing that when I fell asleep.

DAPHNE

Not my clothes. As a person. Have I changed?

NILES

Daphne, what's all this about?

DAPHNE

I was talking to Sarah and Laura in Nervosa. They seemed to be under the impression that I'd become a different person since we've been together.

NILES

Well you're hairs changed. And you seem happier then when we first met which I can only hope is down to me. But you're still the same person I met nine years ago.

DAPHNE

I just don't feel like I fit in anywhere anymore. Apparently I'm beyond my old crowd at the pub and tonight I stuck out like a sore thumb.

NILES

No you didn't.

DAPHNE

Niles they were all staring at me. All they did was stare and laugh when we were dancing. They knew I didn't belong there.

NILES

They were staring at you because of how looked. Do you honestly have no idea how beautiful you looked tonight? How beautiful you look every night.

DAPHNE

Thank you.

NILES

You're welcome.

NILES WALKS BACK OVER TO HER AND KISSES HER

DAPHNE

Okay now back to the door.

NILES SIGHS AND WALKS BACK TO THE DOOR

NILES

Daphne you can't expect to be completely the same person you were five years ago, things have changed, especially for us. I'm sure I've changed since my divorce from Maris.

DAPHNE

I guess you're right. It was just bothering me a little. I feel much better now. Thank you.

DAPHNE LIES BACK DOWN AND CLOSES HER EYES

NILES

That's what I'm here for.

DAPHNE

Then I'm very lucky.

NILES

I'm the lucky one around here. And now I believe I was on a promise.

NILES WALKS BACK TO THE BED AND SITS DOWN

A BEAT

NILES (CONT'D)

Daphne. Daphne.

A BEAT

DAPHNE STARTS TO QUIETLY SNORE

NILES (CONT'D)

Perfect.

AS NILES CLIMBS BACK INTO BED AND CURLS UP TO GO TO SLEEP WE:

FADE OUT

(H)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — EVENING — DAY/3
(Frasier, Daphne, Roz, Martin, Niles, Allison, Eddie)

DAPHNE CHECKS ON SOMETHING IN THE OVEN AS FRASIER PACES BACK AND FORTH ACROSS THE KITCHEN AND ROZ LEANS UP THE SINK WATCHING HIM DRINKING A GLASS OF WATER

FRASIER

What am I going to do? Allison is going to be here any minute now and I'm still missing her puppet.

DAPHNE

(TO FRASIER) Wasn't it in the dumpster?

ROZ

Oh don't ask the little girl here. He just stood on the street corner and shrieked if any bit of trash came towards him while I had to climb in there and dig around. Smell me.

DAPHNE

I'd rather not.

ROZ

I couldn't get anyone to serve me in Nervosa. I couldn't smell any worse if I were dead.

FRASIER

Haven't you showered at all?

ROZ

Thirteen times in eight hours. My skin got so wrinkly I looked like I should be playing checkers all day in the park and keeping my teeth in a jar and the smell still won't go away. I'm beginning to think this smell has a life of it's own.

FRASIER

Roz I feel for you I really do but right now I need help. What do I do?

ROZ

Buy her a new one before she gets here.

FRASIER

I should just run down to the puppet store should I? There is no puppet store!

DAPHNE

Why don't you make a new one then?

FRASIER

She'll know it's not the real one.

DAPHNE

You can keep it in the trunk and she might think it's real long enough for you to have chance to find the real one.

ROZ

You know that might work.

FRASIER

What is the matter with the two of you? There's no way that will work. To start with we don't have the trunk.

DAPHNE

What other options do you have?

A BEAT

FRASIER GRABS THE WOODEN BLOCK THAT HIS KITCHEN KNIFES ARE FROM AND PLACES IT IN FRONT OF DAPHNE AND ROZ

FRASIER

We can use this for the body.

ROZ

I have lipstick for his eyes and mouth.

ROZ PUTS HER HAND IN HER COAT POCKET BUT QUICKLY PULLS IT BACK OUT AGAIN DROPPING SOMETHING ON THE FLOOR AS SHE GOES

ROZ

Oh my God what is that?

DAPHNE

It looks like a toe. What's are you doing with a severed toe? I know a lot of people keep mementos from old boyfriends but actually taking body parts is a bit extreme.

ROZ

I found it in the dumpster outside.

FRASIER

So naturally you put it in your pocket to keep?

ROZ

I don't know how it got in there. I was too busy being attacked by a crazed rapid cat and searching for a lump of wood to notice where I'd put any severed body parts.

EDDIE ENTERS, SEES THE TOE ON THE FLOOR, PICKS IT UP IN HIS MOUTH AND EXITS UNNOTICED BY EVERYONE ELSE

FRASIER

Why are you even still wearing the same coat you rolled around in garbage in?

ROZ

I was going to take it to the dry cleaners after I left here but it was raining so I had to put it on.

FRASIER

Some one pick it up. Wait a second it's gone.

DAPHNE

Where could it have gone?

FRASIER / ROZ /DAPHNE

(SHOUTS) Eddie!

FRASIER, ROZ AND DAPHNE EXIT RUNNING INTO THE LIVING ROOM

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

EDDIE SITS ON MARTIN'S CHAIR CHEWING AS FRASIER, ROZ AND DAPHNE ENTER. FRASIER PUTS HIS ARMS IN FRONT OF ROZ AND DAPHNE TO STOP THEM FROM JUMPING ON EDDIE

FRASIER

Slowly don't startle him.

THEY ALL EDGE CLOSER TO EDDIE WHO STOPS CHEWING AND WATCHES THEM

FRASIER

On the count of three. One, two, three!

ALL THREE LUNGE TOWARDS EDDIE WHO PICKS UP THE TOE AND RUNS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN. FRASIER, ROZ AND DAPHNE ALL FOLLOW HIM

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER, ROZ AND DAPHNE ENTER CORNERING EDDIE UP THE CORNER OF THE COUNTER

FRASIER

Good boy Eddie drop it.

ROZ

Offer him something in exchange.

FRASIER

That's called a bribe.

ROZ

And that's called a dog eating a human toe in your kitchen.

FRASIER

Good point. Here have this.

FRASIER OPENS THE OVEN DOOR AND REMOVES A LAMP CHOP THAT DAPHNE HAD BEEN COOKING

DAPHNE

Don't give him that!

FRASIER GIVES EDDIE THE LAMB CHOP WHICH CAUSES HIM TO DROP THE TOE

FRASIER

Quick now someone pick it up.

ROZ

I'm not touching it again.

FRASIER

You've spent all night with it in your pocket.

ROZ

Then you pick it up.

FRASIER

If I wouldn't touch it last night I'm not going to touch it this morning.

DAPHNE

Oh fine I'll do it.

DAPHNE BENDS DOWN AND PICKS UP THE TOE WITH A PAIR OF TONGS BEFORE GOING TO PUT IT DOWN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL

FRASIER

Not down the garbage disposal.

DAPHNE

It's not as if you eat what goes down there.

FRASIER

I do not want that toe in my apartment for any longer then is necessary.

DAPHNE

Fine.

DAPHNE EXITS OUT OF THE KITCHEN AS FRASIER AND ROZ WATCH HER THROUGH THE DRINKS CABINET

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN STILL CARRYING THE TOE. SHE WALKS TO THE BALCONY AND OPENS THE DOOR. SHE THEN STEPS OUTSIDE AND THROWS THE TOE OVER THE BALCONY

DAPHNE

Happy landing.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER AND ROZ STILL STARE AFTER DAPHNE

FRASIER

Great now the doorman will think we're in the mob.

DAPHNE ENTERS AND IMMEDIATELY STARTS TO WASH THE TONGS

ROZ

Now what else did it wear?

FRASIER

Well it's a monkey so it's supposed to be covered in fur.

DAPHNE

Where do we get fur from?

FRASIER'S GAZE SUDDENLY TURNS TOWARDS EDDIE. SLOWLY DAPHNE AND ROZ START TO STARE AT HIM AS WELL

DAPHNE

We can't. He'll kill us.

FRASIER

Just do it, it'll grow back.

ROZ PICKS UP EDDIE AND DAPHNE GETS OUT THE SCISSORS AS MARTIN ENTERS

FRASIER

Dad!

MARTIN

What's going on?

FRASIER PUSHES MARTIN OUT OF THE DOOR AND THEY BOTH EXIT

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER AND MARTIN ENTER, WITH FRASIER PUSHING MARTIN TOWARDS THE DOOR

FRASIER

Nothing, nothing at all. I thought you were going to McGinty's.

MARTIN

I am.

FRASIER

Then off you go. Have a nice time. Here have a drink on me.

MARTIN

Something's going on.

FRASIER

No it's not honestly. Now off you go.

MARTIN EXITS BEFORE FRASIER EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

ROZ HOLDS A HANDFUL OF FUR AS DAPHNE SPREADS MEAT PASTE ON THE BLOCK OF WOOD TO GLUE IT ON THAT NOW HAS EYES AND A MOUTH DRAWN ON IN LIPSTICK AS FRASIER ENTERS

FRASIER

How's it coming along?

DAPHNE

Eddie now has a bald patch.

FRASIER

Well cut it more even.

ROZ

Fine go ahead hair stylist to the short and fury you do it.

FRASIER

How about the hair from a hairbrush?

DAPHNE

That'll do.

ROZ

Yours should be full of hair.

FRASIER EXITS INTO THE LIVING ROOM AS ROZ AND DAPHNE CONTINUE TO DRESS THE BLOCK OF WOOD. AFTER A MOMENT FRASIER ENTERS HOLDING MARTIN'S MERMAID LAMP

FRASIER

(ANNOYED) What is this doing back here?

DAPHNE

Has the toe come back?

FRASIER

I'm talking about this! Did you get it for him out of the dumpster?

ROZ

No

FRASIER

Are you lying?

ROZ

Yes

FRASIER

Well it's about to go on the ride of it's life.

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Oh no. It's Allison. Is it done?

DAPHNE

It'll have to be.

FRASIER EXITS INTO THE LIVING ROOM STILL HOLDING THE MERMAID LAMP, WITH ROZ FOLLOWING AND DAPHNE CARRYING THE BLOCK OF WOOD

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER, ROZ AND DAPHNE ENTER. DAPHNE PUTS THE BLOCK OF WOOD ON THE DINING TABLE AS FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND NILES ENTERS LOOKING DISTRESSED AND HOLDING HIS HANDKERCHIEF TO HIS MOUTH

FRASIER

Oh Niles, thank God it's you.

NILES

Someone threw a toe at me from over one of the balconies.

DAPHNE

(GUILTILY) Really? Who would do such a horrible thing like that?

DAPHNE KISSES HIM

NILES

That's the last time I decide to walk anywhere. I'm frightened to go back out in case I see an ear hurtling towards my head.

ROZ

That's not likely.

NILES

(RE: MERMAID LAMP) What is that doing back?

FRASIER

Ask the dumpster girl here.

NILES SEES THE BLOCK OF WOOD ON THE TABLE

NILES

But more alarmingly, what is that?

FRASIER

(PROUDLY) It's Spankey. I found him.

NILES

This is Spankey?

FRASIER

Yes it is.

NILES

Okay Frasier I need you to come and have a lie down and I'll write you a prescription and then everything will be better.

ROZ

If it doesn't fool Niles it'll never fool Allison.

FRASIER

You don't think it will fool Allison?

NILES

Only if you get her drunk first and poke her in the eye.

ROZ

No he wants to fool her not get her to sleep with him.

FRASIER

What other options do we have in the time?

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER FREEZES ON THE SPOT BEFORE CRINGING

DAPHNE

I'm going to say none.

FRASIER

I'll just have to confess.

ROZ

Oh goody this will be fun.

ROZ SITS ON THE COUCH GETTING IN A PRIME POSITION TO WATCH

FRASIER

Can you give us some privacy please?

ROZ

Oh if we have to.

DAPHNE, NILES AND ROZ EXIT TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM

FRASIER

All the way and shut the door.

ROZ

(OFF STAGE) How do you know we're still here?

FRASIER

Because you just spoke.

FRASIER PICKS UP THE BLOCK OF WOOD AND EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN. HE THEN ENTERS, COMPOSES HIMSELF AND OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AS ALLISON ENTERS

FRASIER

Allison hi.

ALLISON

Hello. I'm sorry I can't stop I've just come to get Spankey and then I have a birthday party to do.

FRASIER

Oh well let me just get him for you.

FRASIER RATHER RELUCTANTLY EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

ALLISON

What were you doing with him in the kitchen?

FRASIER

(FROM THE KITCHEN) Just sharing my secret ingredient for my world renown steamed artichoke. He's promised he won't say a word, even under torture.

FRASIER ENTERS CARRYING THE BLOCK OF WOOD

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Well here he is.

ALLISON

What's this?

FRASIER

Spankey.

ALLISON

This is Spankey?

FRASIER

I know it's been a while since you've seen him but surely you can't have forgotten him.

ALLISON

You've lost him haven't you?

FRASIER

(CRUMBLING LIKE A CAKE) Yes. I thought at first that the super had put him in the dumpster with the rest of my junk but I dug and dug around in there all last night and I can't find him.

ROZ

(OFF STAGE) Ha!

FRASIER

(SHOUTS) I meant shutting the door when you're all inside. I am so sorry and I won't stop looking for him until I find him.

ALLISON

Frasier don't worry about it. I've done it myself.

FRASIER

You've thrown him out?

ALLISON

Well no I'm not an idiot but I've lost him enough times. I left him here twice in a few hours I'm sure he'll turn up. I'll just have to continue using someone else until then.

FRASIER

If there's anything I can do to help.

ALLISON

Well I do need a dummy and after the way you've been acting just now you'll fit the bill perfectly.

AS ALLISON HUGS FRASIER WE:

FADE OUT

(I)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S STORAGE SPACE — EVENING — DAY/3
(Frasier, Daphne)

FRASIER'S STORAGE SPACE IS GETTING RATHER FULL WITH ALL THE JUNK HE'S COLLECTED OVER THE YEARS. IT IS NOW JOINED BY EVERYTHING THAT HE WANTED TO THROW OUT THE OTHER DAY. FRASIER STANDS BEHIND A LARGE PILE OF BOOKS AS DAPHNE ENTERS

FRASIER

Oh hello Daphne. What are you doing down here?

DAPHNE

I thought you could use some help. I know how scared you can get of this puppet. And it is rather dark down here. Are you sure he's going to be down here?

FRASIER

He had better be. I nearly split my trousers and ruined my chances of ever having any more children climbing over here. My voice hasn't gone that high since the first time I wrote Lilith's alimony cheque.

DAPHNE

Are you okay?

FRASIER

Well I'm all the poorer for it but my eyes have since stopped watering.

DAPHNE

So what did the super say?

FRASIER

From what few syllables the man was able to put together I gather he thought I'd said storage space when I said dumpster. Why he couldn't have done that with Dad's chair all those years ago I'll never know. Thankfully this time the wrong thing was the right thing for me.

DAPHNE

You've sure got a lot of stuff down here.

FRASIER

It has rather collected up over the years. I got stuck earlier behind this old sofa. I thought I was going to have to send up a distress flair for someone to find me.

DAPHNE

The whole basement could do with a clear out. It's turning into a bit of a death trap. You know they still haven't found old Mrs. Ford from the 12th floor when she came down here last week to find an old suitcase. You can bring some of this back up again soon. You can have your study back to how it was.

FRASIER

I'm not sure I'll put the study back.

DAPHNE

Why not? You've been mourning the loss of it since the moment I moved in here. For the first year I was expecting to see you wear a black armband.

FRASIER

Well it's your room.

DAPHNE

It sounds as if you expect me to be back in it soon.

FRASIER

Not at all. Freddie can use it when he stays. And who knows maybe one day I can have a little niece or nephew use it for the night.

DAPHNE

That would be nice.

FRASIER

Daphne is everything okay? You've seemed a little down recently.

DAPHNE

I need an objective opinion on something. Do you think I've changed as a person?

FRASIER

(IMMEDIATELY) Yes.

DAPHNE

Okay well that's rather frightening. When the girls from the pub told me that I'd changed a lot, I was bothered by it but I didn't really believe it.

FRASIER

But I mean in a very good way Daphne.

DAPHNE

How is that? I was basically told I didn't know how to have fun anymore and I was becoming a boring, old stuffed shirt like you and Niles.

FRASIER

And on behalf of Niles and myself I thank you.

DAPHNE

Oh you know what I mean.

FRASIER

Daphne how can you say you don't have fun? You've just thrown a severed toe over the balcony onto your fiancé and helped make a puppet from the block my kitchen knifes are from and dog fur.

DAPHNE

That was more frightening and slightly disturbing then fun.

FRASIER

But you also can spend evenings like last night at the fundraiser.

DAPHNE

Oh and I go down like a storm there. Everyone was looking at me like I had some odd shaped growth on my face. I don't fit in there and I don't fit in with my old crowd anymore. I feel like a social leper.

FRASIER

You fit in with Niles and me. And then on the other side of the coin you fit in with Dad and Roz. You can be both Daphne. You're still so obsessed with acknowledging your working class roots that you think you can't be anything else. Yes they matter and you always have that side of you but you've also evolved and you have that side of you as well now.

DAPHNE

I think it was the best thing I ever did working for a psychiatrist.

FRASIER

Well believe me the best thing I ever did was hiring you. And there's not a day that goes by without Niles thanking me for it.

DAPHNE

Thank you Dr. Crane.

FRASIER

That's okay Daphne. I'm always here for you you know that.

FRASIER REACHES BEHIND A BOOKCASE AND PRODUCES A TRUNK

FRASIER

And aha Spankey!

FRASIER HANDS DAPHNE THE TRUNK BEFORE HE BEGINS TO CLIMB OUT. DAPHNE LOOKS INSIDE AND THEN SLAMS THE LID SHUT

DAPHNE

Dr. Crane he's not in here.

FRASIER

You're joking!

DAPHNE

Yes.

FRASIER

Now that's not being fun that's being cruel.

AS DAPHNE LAUGHS AND HELPS FRASIER OUT FROM BEHIND THE PILES OF FURNITURE AND BOXES WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

CLOSING CREDITS: MARTIN STANDS IN THE KITCHEN FINISHING OFF A CAN OF BEER. WHEN HE HAS EMPTIED IT HE GOES TO PUT IT IN THE BIN BUT STOPS BEFORE HE DOES AND INSTEAD BENDS DOWN AND PICKS UP HIS MERMAID LAMP FROM OUT OF THE BIN. HE THEN TURNS TO THE DOOR AND YELLS FRASIER'S NAME BEFORE EDDIE COMES RUNNING IN. QUICKLY MARTIN PUTS THE LAMP DOWN AND PICKS UP EDDIE SEEING HIS BALD SPOT. HE THEN SHOUTS FRASIER'S NAME AGAIN AND RUSHES OUT OF THE KITCHEN AFTER HIM