I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions. Thanks to Jodie for eliminating my Englishness from this piece, Pete for reading it over and to everyone who sent me feedback for the last one, it was really appreciated. Please send any comments about this one to kelly_simba@hotmail.com. This one actually turned out to be twice as long as I wanted it to be because I've been planning it since the beginning of 2002. So get yourself a drink, take the phone off the hook and get comfortable. Enjoy...

Frasier

Alternative Season Nine Episode Twenty-One

Secrets and Lies

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A) TITLE CARD: "HE FORGOT THE NUMBER FOR 911" FADE IN: INT. KACL RADIO BOOTH - AFTERNOON - DAY/1

(Frasier, Roz, Daphne, Kenny, Martin (VO), Jack (VO)) FRASIER AND ROZ SIT ON THEIR RESPECTIVE SIDES OF THE GLASS PARTITION IN THE MIDDLE OF DOING A SHOW. FRASIER IS JUST FINISHING UP WITH A CALLER
FRASIER
So to sum up, if you continue to do it, don't blame me when you
eventually go blind. Thank you for your call. And if you've just
tuned in late firstly where have you been and secondly I bet
that response sounded rather strange. Roz who do we have next?
ROZ
(SMILING KNOWINGLY) We have Martin from Seattle on line one.
FRASIER
Hello Martin, you're on the line with Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm
listening.
MARTIN (VO)
Yeah hi Dr. Crane. My problem is with my son. I've lived with
him for years. Even after all this time he keeps moving my stuff
and throwing it out when I tell him not to. The Korean's
listened to me more when I asked them not to shoot me during the
war then my son does. This is the same guy who has hysterics if
a drop of dew off my beer can goes on one of his precious foo
foo nick knacks. He squealed so loud the other day I saw two
pigeons attack one another on the balcony for no reason. It took
me hours to Hoover up all the feathers. FRASIER MUTES HIS MICROPHONE TO TALK TO ROZ
FRASIER
This is my father Roz. Live on the radio humiliating me.
ROZ
It's a slow day I needed something to liven it up and entertain
me before I develop some sort of sleeping sickness. I don't want
to electrocute myself by falling asleep and drooling on the
console. And it was either your Dad or that guy who thinks he's
a tiger and roars at you. He's always good for a laugh or two.
Especially when he was caught sent marking your BMW in that
animal print thong. Thank God the security cameras were working
that day or I'd have had nothing to give as Secret Santa every
year.
FRASIER
I see I'm so glad to know that I entertain you so much by having
a man rub himself up my leg and pant. I also see our careers
vanishing down the toilet as I speak.
MARTIN (VO)
Now suddenly my dog's leash has gone missing into thin air. FRASIER TURNS HIS MICROPHONE BACK ON AGAIN
FRASIER
How about we continue this conversation at a more appropriate
time like at the end of the show or right before I make the
decision to pull the plug on your ventilator or not? At the
moment I'm edging towards pulling the plug before doing a little
jig about the room and then setting fire to your chair.
MARTIN (VO)
Fine we'll talk about it later but by then his kidneys will have
exploded all over your precious carpet. That's if he's not
sitting on your couch or on your bed when it finally happens.
Which would you prefer? And keep in mind he's drunk a lot of
water today after he finished off my bowl of chilli.
FRASIER
Can't you take him out without the leash?
MARTIN (VO)
And have him run out into traffic? He'll get run over.
FRASIER
(ENTHUSIASTIC) That's the general idea yes.
MARTIN (VO)
Frasier!
FRASIER
Oh fine, just find an alternative for now that doesn't involve
phoning and pestering me at work and I'll buy the damn dog a new
one on my way home. Are you happy now?
MARTIN (VO)
Yes, very and I know exactly what to use instead.
FRASIER
Good. Good-bye. FRASIER CUTS OFF THE LINE
FRASIER (CONT'D)
(SUDDENLY FRANTIC) Oh no. If you're still listening, don't you
dare go anywhere near my ties! If I find one dog hair on any
tie, I'll shave that little mongrel with the blades from the
garbage disposal so that it never happens again.
ROZ
And you complain I bring my personal life to work with me.
FRASIER
Roz who do we have next? Preferably a screened call this time.
ROZ
We have Jack on line two who is having a problem with his mother
in law.
FRASIER
Hello Jack I'm listening. DAPHNE ENTERS, STANDING BEHIND THE GLASS DIRECTLY BEHIND FRASIER AND STARTS TO WAVE FRANTICALLY TO GET ROZ'S ATTENTION
JACK (VO)
Well the problem is really with my wife but caused by my evil,
manipulative, mind-controlling harpy of a mother in law. ROZ SUDDENLY SEES DAPHNE, WHO STARTS TO MAKE LARGE GESTURES AT ROZ TRYING TO CALL HER OUT OF THE BOOTH. ROZ JUST SITS THERE AND WATCHES HER NOT REALLY UNDERSTANDING WHAT'S GOING ON
JACK (VO) CONT'D
You see she was visiting our house last weekend just to make my
life that little bit more miserable and my wife had to run to
the grocery store so I stayed at home with her mother against my
will. I was looking under the stairs for some sort of sharp
stick or a net to keep her away from me when all of a sudden she
started breathing funny, like she was sucking on a giant
hairball before shutting her eyes and becoming sort of limp and
thankfully lifeless. So naturally under the circumstances I
assumed she was dead. DAPHNE CONTINUES TO WAVE HER ARMS AROUND AS ROZ LOOKS ON PUZZLED
ROZ
What the hell is that supposed to be? Other then one of the five
signs of madness. I hate charades. A moose? A beaver? (SHOUTS
AND POINTS AT DAPHNE) Some sort of monkey person?
FRASIER
Did you check her pulse?
JACK (VO)
What am I? A paramedic. I wasn't going to try to revive her.
She'd gone some place very warm for all eternity to preside over
the damned and who was I to argue with that? The point is she
looked dead so I got out some Hefty bags and some duct tape and
wrapped her up in them.
FRASIER
You didn't think to do something else, like oh I don't know,
call an ambulance?
ROZ
(STILL GUESSING) You've been diving? You've developed a hunch? DURING THE FOLLOWING FRASIER SUDDENLY NOTICES THAT ROZ IS ALSO WAVING HER ARMS AROUND LIKE A CRAZY PERSON AND LOOKING OUT INTO THE CORRIDOR. HE QUICKLY SPINS AROUND TO SEE WHAT SHE IS DOING CAUSING DAPHNE TO DUCK DOWN AND HIDE. FRASIER LOOKS CONFUSED AT ROZ AFTER SEEING NO ONE IN THE CORRIDOR BEFORE TURNING AROUND AGAIN. DAPHNE THEN PEEKS THROUGH THE GLASS AND SEEING THAT FRASIER IS NO LONGER LOOKING RETURNS TO GESTURING AT ROZ
JACK (VO)
She was already dead what use would that have been? Unless they
carry some really strong smelling salts and a Ouiji board around
with them there wasn't much point. So once I'd put her in the
bags and taped them up as tight as I could I took her into the
yard and hid her behind a tree and told my wife she'd gone home
on her broomstick.
FRASIER
(TO ROZ) For the love of God what are you doing? (COVERING) I
mean what did you do that for?
ROZ
(STILL GUESSING) Two people. Two people are playing the fiddle?
JACK (VO)
Do you know how much trouble I'd have gotten into if I had told
my wife I'd killed her mother? Being skinned alive and thrown in
a bag of salt would have been more preferable. And she should be
thankful anyway. I'm a taxidermist. I could have had her filled
with sawdust and posing in an extremely uncompromising position
within an hour.
FRASIER
Charming. But you didn't kill her. Did you? Tell me you didn't.
JACK (VO)
Oh believe me I've tried. Nothing on earth could kill that
woman. She was indestructible. She could fall out of a window
onto a bomb and she'd still be okay. No matter how many times I
back the car over her she still just gets up, pops her hip back
in, dusts herself down and attacks me with her purse. But I
wasn't the only one. There was an ever-growing list of people
who wanted to kill her.
FRASIER
I assume eventually the guilt you were feeling led to your
tearful confession and hopefully some lengthy therapy? DAPHNE GETS OUT HER CELL PHONE AND STARTS TO POINT AT IT
ROZ
(CONFUSED) You want me to call somebody? DAPHNE SIGHS BEFORE DIALLING HER PHONE
JACK (VO)
Not exactly doc. As it turns out she wasn't dead. Just taking a
nap. She managed to claw her way out of the bags and crawl up
the path. She then collapsed with her face pressed up against
the door and with the cat licking her ear. Now my wife has
thrown me out and filed for divorce. You've got to tell her
she's being unreasonable. It's not like I did it on purpose. It
was an accident. SFX: ROZ'S CELL PHONE ROZ QUICKLY GETS HER PHONE OUT OF HER PURSE AND ANSWERS IT
ROZ
(ON PHONE) Hello?
DAPHNE
(SHOUTING ON PHONE) For God's sake I want you to come out here
you silly sod! If I had flapped anymore I'd have taken off! DAPHNE AND ROZ BOTH HANG UP THEIR PHONES AS ROZ EXITS INTO THE CORRIDOR
RESET TO: INT. KACL CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS DAPHNE STANDS A LITTLE FRUSTRATED OUTSIDE THE DOOR TO ROZ'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH WITH HER HAND ON HER HEAD AS ROZ ENTERS
ROZ
I'm sorry. I thought you'd gone mad. I've never been any good at
charades, not even as a child. Musical chairs were much more my
style, probably because I was stronger and could kick the other
kids out of my way to get to the last chair. I'm not completely
convinced that my competitiveness didn't cause Billy Weisman to
break his jaw and pelvis when I hurled him to the floor in the
forth grade. But you snooze you loose. So anyway what's going
on?
DAPHNE
Well apart from people thinking that I'm Bo jangles the loon, I
need to talk to you about something but I don't want Dr. Crane
to hear.
ROZ
Well he's busy. Once he gets started he won't stop until he's
either used every French word in existence or he gets sick of
hearing his own voice. Which doesn't happen very often. I'd say
he's good for a couple of days at least. What is it? DAPHNE TAKES A VERY DEEP BREATH BEFORE SPEAKING
DAPHNE
I'm pregnant.
ROZ
(SHOCKED) What?
DAPHNE
You know knocked up, bun in the oven, eating for two, up the
stick, preggers. Shall I continue?
ROZ
Yes Daphne I know what you mean. (OVERJOYED) Pregnant? Really?
Oh my God! That's wonderful! THEY HUG
ROZ (CONT'D)
(SHOCKED BUT LAUGHING) Wow, way to go Niles! Dear God I never
knew he had it in him. I always thought his swimmers would be
much too fussy, pathetic and asthmatic to stand a chance. I've
seen the way he runs like a constipated crab, I didn't think his
boys would be able to do any better. Most would have died before
they'd finished dusting down your egg with a handkerchief. SLOWLY NOTICING THAT DAPHNE DOESN'T LOOK AT ALL HAPPY
ROZ (CONT'D)
Ha! Oh my God this is great! (WORRIED) Isn't it?
DAPHNE
Actually I'm not sure.
ROZ
What do you mean you're not sure? FRASIER ENTERS LEANING OUT OF THE DOOR
FRASIER
What's going on out here?
DAPHNE
(PANICKING) I had to bring Roz this...(THINKS) handkerchief.
Here you are. Sorry it's a bit dirty but I had to use it on the
way here. It'll iron out flat after a while. DAPHNE TAKES IT OUT OF HER POCKET AND HANDS IT TO ROZ
FRASIER
Oh hello Daphne. Why this handkerchief in particular?
ROZ
I just like it. It's comforting. The dirtier the better.
FRASIER
(CONFUSED) Okay. Roz we do have a show to do you know.
ROZ
Then off you go and do it. (OFF FRASIER'S LOOK) What? You're the
one who's always telling me you could do it on your own and that
a blind monkey could do my job. Here's your chance to prove it
or prove my theory by setting yourself on fire. FRASIER FROWNS BEFORE EXITING BACK INTO THE BOOTH. ROZ CHECKS TO SEE THAT HE'S GONE BEFORE SPEAKING.
ROZ
What do you mean you're not sure? What is there to be unsure
about?
DAPHNE
I'm just not sure how Niles is going to react to all this? He
has a panic attack if his socks aren't folded properly how is he
going to cope with this? He nearly had a seizure last week when
the dry cleaner lost one of his favourite pair.
ROZ
Oh my God, Niles has his socks dry-cleaned?
DAPHNE
He has everything dry-cleaned. If he could send his hair there
he would. Anyway you saw what he was like with that bag of
flour. How can that not frighten me? The baby will be set on
fire, flushed down the toilet and impaled three times before its
two days old and that's with supervision. And granted he did
that to a bag of flour. Do you have any idea how much he'll
panic when it's a real child or a bag of sugar?
ROZ
Wait a second you haven't told him you're pregnant?
DAPHNE
Erm...not yet. I just haven't found the right time.
ROZ
Well how long have you known?
DAPHNE
Two weeks.
ROZ
(SHOCKED) Two weeks?! You've had enough time to take out a full-
page ad telling him in every national newspaper.
DAPHNE
I'm just frightened he's going to freak out. We'd discussed this
and decided that it is something that we wanted in the future
but I think he was expecting planning, decisions, several
attempts and a wedding certificate before it happened. I can do
without him swallowing his tongue when I tell him.
ROZ
Daphne, trust me he's going to thrilled. FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE BOOTH
FRASIER
Who's going to be thrilled?
ROZ
(MENACINGLY) The surgeon when he looks at his bank balance after
he's repaired the damage to a certain area of your anatomy when
I'm threw with you if you don't get back in there. And I'm
talking a full replacement not just patching up the damage.
Forget about ever having any more children. FRASIER HURRIEDLY EXITS BACK INTO THE BOOTH
DAPHNE
I just wish I could be sure. And it's not only Niles I'm worried
about it's my family. For once I'd like to break a family
tradition and be the only Moon to not be knocked up when I walk
down the isle. My one cousin had a litter of children following
her up the isle with one ready to pop at any moment. But that's
nothing compared to my Aunt Abby. She was four months pregnant
when she got married. At the reception she danced with both her
ex husbands and her new husband and not one of them was the
baby's father. It later turned out to be the Vicar who did the
service. Randy old sod. I knew he'd stopped sweating for some
reason. It's becoming a family tradition now like ending the day
with the Police being called to a fight and at least one distant
cousin being outed as a transvestite. If I can only keep it
quiet until after the wedding...
ROZ
Wait, wait, wait you've got to tell him. (FORCEFULLY) Daphne,
listen to me. You've got to tell him.
DAPHNE
Do you really think so?
ROZ
Of course I think so! You can't keep this a secret from him! The
baby doesn't grow in a box that you can keep under your bed so
he doesn't see it you know. Do you not think he's going to
notice that you've put weight on and some strange creature seems
to be kicking you from the inside?
DAPHNE
Well I'd hope he wouldn't.
ROZ
Then how about when the tiny person pops out of you and starts
to run around and call you mommy?
DAPHNE
You give him way too much credit he's really not that observant
about these things. He probably won't notice.
ROZ
Daphne! I think he'll notice this!
DAPHNE
Oh all right. I'm going to tell him. I am. I just need to make
sure he'll be okay with it before I tell him.
ROZ
And how exactly are you going to do that? Give him a
questionnaire to fill out? Use your psychic ability? Over dinner
ask him what his reaction would be if you were pregnant and then
yell surprise?
DAPHNE
Something a lot more subtle then that Roz. FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE BOOTH
FRASIER
Roz will you get back in here! I've got a man on the line
growling at me and demanding to know where I live.
ROZ
I'm coming. FRASIER ENTERS BACK INTO THE BOOTH
RESET TO: INT. KACL RADIO BOOTH - CONTINUOUS FRASIER ENTERS INTO THE BOTH AND SITS BACK DOWN AS KENNY ENTERS
KENNY
Hi Doc. Where's Roz? I need to talk to her.
FRASIER
She's outside discussing my surprise birthday party with Daphne.

KENNY
You're having a birthday party?
FRASIER
So it turns out. I didn't want a fuss after all it's just
another day, but I've heard them talking about someone going to
be thrilled and yelling surprise. I don't think you need to be
Sherlock Holmes to work this one out. KENNY EXITS OUT OF THE BOOTH AND FRASIER PUTS HIS HEADPHONES BACK ON AS WE:

FADE OUT
(B) FADE IN: INT. NILES' BEDROOM - NIGHT - DAY/1

(Niles, Daphne, Frasier (VO)) NILES SITS IN BED READING A MAGAZINE AND TRYING NOT TO NOTICE THAT DAPHNE IS PACING UP AND DOWN NERVOUSLY BY THE BATHROOM DOOR SFX: PHONE RINGING NILES PUTS DOWN HIS MAGAZINE AND ANSWERS THE PHONE
NILES
(ON PHONE BEFORE ALLOWING THE PERSON ON THE OTHER END TO SPEAK)
Mrs. Woodson for the last time I don't need that file right now.
Now take a Valium, get someone to strap you to your bed and for
the love of God don't phone me again tonight or I won't be held
responsible for my actions.
FRASIER (VO)
(THROUGH PHONE) Ah Niles, just the person I wanted to speak to.
Where are you?
NILES
(ON PHONE) Well considering you called me at home it's pretty
safe to guess that I might actually be at home.
FRASIER (VO)
(THROUGH PHONE) Oh of course. I didn't wake you did I?
NILES
(ON PHONE) No not with Mrs. Woodson phoning me nearly every
twenty seconds, it's hard to even brush my teeth let alone go to
sleep. I was just reading.
FRASIER (VO)
(THROUGH PHONE) Oh good. I wanted to ask you if you knew.
NILES
(ON PHONE) Knew what?
FRASIER (VO)
(THROUGH PHONE) Oh you know.
NILES
(ON PHONE) No I don't that's why I asked.
FRASIER (VO)
(THROUGH PHONE) Oh you know.
NILES
(ON PHONE) No I really don't.
FRASIER (VO)
(THROUGH PHONE) You really don't know anything?
NILES
(ON PHONE) About what?
FRASIER (VO)
(THROUGH PHONE) Oh you know.
NILES
(ON PHONE) No I don't.
FRASIER (VO)
(THROUGH PHONE) So you're in on it as well are you?
NILES
(ON PHONE) In on what?
FRASIER (VO)
(THROUGH PHONE) Oh you know.
NILES
(ON PHONE) No I don't. Hence the term I don't know.
FRASIER (VO)
(THROUGH PHONE) Fine. Have your little secrets Niles. I'll speak
to you tomorrow. Bye.
NILES
(ON PHONE) Good-bye. NILES STARES AT THE PHONE CONFUSED BEFORE HANGING UP
NILES (CONT'D)
What was that all about? He's been to wine club without me
again. The last time he did that he thought I was a member of
the KGB trying to extract secrets from him.
DAPHNE
What did he want? NILES PICKS HIS MAGAZINE BACK UP AGAIN
NILES
I have no idea. I'm not too sure if he knows what he wanted
either other then some strong sedatives and his phone taking off
him.
DAPHNE
What are you reading?
NILES
A case study of a man with delusional schizophrenia and paranoid
tendencies who made a house from several thousand pumpkins and a
ball of yarn and lived in it for a year with his two dead cats
and a matador outfit.
DAPHNE
That's nice bedtime reading. A lot less frightening and
complicated then 'Goldilocks and the Three Bears' I'd imagine.
How much have you read so far?
NILES
Not much. DAPHNE SITS DOWN IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM AND STARES AT NILES A BEAT
DAPHNE
How much now? NILES PUTS HIS MAGAZINE DOWN AGAIN
NILES
Daphne what's going on? Is something troubling you? DAPHNE STANDS AND STARTS TO PACE THE FLOOR AGAIN
DAPHNE
No of course not. Well apart from global warming, famine in the
third world and tiny seals being hit on the head with big sticks
but other then that nothing that I can think of off hand.
NILES
Okay. Is anything bothering you that I can do something about
right now because I can't help but notice that you're pacing the
floor like you're awaiting the gas chamber?
DAPHNE
Now that's romantic doctor. Nothing says come to bed darling
quite like telling me I look like I'm about to choke to death on
toxins for committing murder. I'm fine, honestly.
NILES
(UNSURE) Well as long as you're sure. A BEAT NILES PICKS HIS MAGAZINE BACK UP AND CONTINUES READING BUT KEEPING ONE EYE ON DAPHNE AT ALL TIMES A BEAT
DAPHNE
Have you nearly finished now? NILES PUTS HIS MAGAZINE BACK DOWN AGAIN
NILES
Okay what's going on?
DAPHNE
Nothing. Honestly. Read your magazine.
NILES
Okay then. NILES RELUCTANTLY STARTS TO READ AGAIN AS DAPHNE CONTINUES TO PACE THE FLOOR. SHE THEN STARTS TO SWING HER ARMS AS SHE GOES, BEFORE STOPPING AND LOOKING AT HER HANDS
DAPHNE
Who was it that decided that this was your left hand and this
was your right hand I wonder?
NILES
I have no idea.
DAPHNE
Do you think it would have made a difference to society as we
know it if it were the other way around? NILES STOPS READING
NILES
You mean having them this way around could be the soul cause of
crime and poverty in the world?
DAPHNE
Exactly. But then again as me mother used to say when she'd had
a bottle of scotch or two, if 'if's and and's were pots and pans
your mother would be your father.' She's a wise woman.
NILES
(CONFUSED) Erm...okay. NILES STARTS READING AGAIN BUT STILL KEEPS AN EYE ON DAPHNE AS SHE PICKS UP THE TELEVISION REMOTE AND SITS ON THE END OF THE BED. SHE THEN STARTS TO FLICK THROUGH THE TELEVISION CHANNELS AT SUCH A HIGH SPEED THAT IT CAUSES THE ROOM TO FLICKER
DAPHNE
This isn't bothering you is it?
NILES
Only if I were epileptic. DAPHNE TURNS THE TELEVISION OFF, STANDS AND EXITS SFX: VACUUM CLEANER DAPHNE ENTERS HOOVERING THE CARPET. NILES LOOKS UP FROM HIS MAGAZINE REALLY CONCERNED
NILES (CONT'D)
What are you doing now?
DAPHNE
It is a little late isn't it? DAPHNE SWITCHES OFF THE HOOVER AND EXITS AS NILES STILL STARES AFTER HER WORRIEDLY. DAPHNE THEN RE-ENTERS CARRYING A BUCKET FULL OF CLEANING PRODUCTS AND A PAIR OF RUBBER GLOVES
NILES
(TRYING TO JOKE) Rubber gloves, a bucket and a bottle of bleach?
Well it is a little unusual but I'm game to try new things.
Should I put my magazine down, turn out the light and close my
eyes?
DAPHNE
Cheeky. I really think this bathroom could do with a good
cleaning. I can see things breading on the tiles. You go in
there bare foot and they gnaw on your ankles.
NILES
Well that is a little concerning but do you have to do it at
eleven o'clock at night?
DAPHNE
There's no time like the present. DAPHNE TAKES A CLOTH OUT OF THE BUCKET AND STARTS TO DUST DOWN NILES' MAGAZINE
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Let me just give that a quick dust for you.
NILES
Daphne before you get the mop and my utensil shammy out are you
sure you don't want to talk about anything? Anything at all?
Your sudden obsession for cleaning late at night maybe?
DAPHNE
No nothing. FINALLY BELIEVING HER NILES STARTS TO READ HIS MAGAZINE AGAIN
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
You know Niles... NILES DROPS HIS MAGAZINE ON THE FLOOR
NILES
You know what how about I just throw the magazine out? There
it's gone. You now have my full-undivided attention. What's
bothering you? Please tell me.
DAPHNE
Well you see it's...nothing. Nothing at all. I'm just tired.
NILES
And yet you're still trying to disinfect the bathroom. Why don't
you come and lie down and I'll switch the light off so you can
get some sleep. NILES PULLS THE COVERS BACK SO DAPHNE CAN GET INTO BED AND WAVES FOR HER TO COME OVER. DAPHNE PUTS THE BUCKET DOWN, TURNS OFF THE BATHROOM LIGHT AND GETS INTO BED. NILES TURNS THE LAMP OFF BEFORE CUDDLING DAPHNE
NILES (CONT'D)
Is that better?
DAPHNE
Oops wait a second. DAPHNE SUDDENLY REALISES THAT SHE STILL HAS HER RUBBER GLOVES ON AND TRIES TO PULL THEM OFF. THE FIRST ONE COMES OFF FINE BUT THE OTHER ONE GETS STUCK. SHE PULLS IT HARD AND WHEN IT EVENTUALLY COMES OFF IT HITS NILES IN THE FACE.
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Oh sorry sweetheart. DAPHNE THROWS THE GLOVES ACROSS THE ROOM BEFORE SHE TURNS TO FACE NILES
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
That's better. SHE KISSES HIM
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Much. SHE KISSES HIM AGAIN
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Thank you.
NILES
You're welcome. NILES GOES TO KISS HER BACK BUT SHE SPEAKS BEFORE HE CAN
DAPHNE
Actually you know I think I would like to talk. That's if you
don't mind talking. DAPHNE SITS UP
NILES
Not at all. NILES SITS UP AS WELL
DAPHNE
Well it's...no forget it. DAPHNE LIES BACK DOWN AGAIN
NILES
Okay. NILES GOES TO LIE DOWN AGAIN BUT DAPHNE SITS UP BEFORE HE CAN SO HE SITS BACK UP
DAPHNE
No, no I have to say it. I wouldn't have thought this was going
to be so hard to say. Erm...I just. Niles. You see Niles it's
like this...I think you need to floss more. DAPHNE LIES BACK DOWN AS NILES JUST SITS LOOKING MORE CONFUSED AS WE:
FADE OUT
(C) TITLE CARD: "AUTOMATED TODDLER MAKER" FADE IN: INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA - MORNING - DAY/2

(Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Roz) ROZ AND DAPHNE SIT AT THE BACK OF NERVOSA IN MID CONVERSATION NOT REALLY PAYING ATTENTION TO ANYTHING ELSE THAT IS GOING ON IN THE ROOM. NILES STANDS BY THE COUNTER, NOT HAVING NOTICED DAPHNE AND ROZ, STARING RATHER CONCERNED AT A PHOTO AS FRASIER ENTERS
FRASIER
(RE: PHOTO) What's that?
NILES
It's a photo of Mrs. Woodson. Smiling at the camera in a rather
bizarre and frightening manner. If I didn't know any better I'd
swear she looks like she's got wind or having a mild stroke.
FRASIER
You have a photo of your secretary?
NILES
It appears that way yes.
FRASIER
For any particular reason? Or will I sleep better tonight not
knowing.
NILES
I have absolutely no idea. I just found it in my jacket pocket.
She must have slipped it in there while I was in a session.
FRASIER
Your secretary is sneaking photos of herself into your jacket
pocket without your knowing?
NILES
So it seems. Do you think I should worry about this?
FRASIER
Well she's not dressed only in a penoir and a smile with a heart
shaped 'I love Dr. Crane' tattoo on her shoulder so I wouldn't
worry just yet. When she starts to send you dead animals through
the mail, then I'd worry.
NILES
Oh she'd never do that; she's not a fan of your show. She has
been rather more affectionate towards me since her husband died
in that water skiing accident. Those phone calls last night were
just the icing on the cake.
FRASIER
How so?
NILES
Oh nothing out of the ordinary. She calls me sweetie, bakes me
cakes, writes me poetry, keeps trying to comb my hair and file
my nails during her lunch break. Nothing unusual.
FRASIER
Your secretary is trying to comb your hair and file your nails?
I think the less said about that the better.
NILES
You've made me worry now about what she'll do next. I don't want
to find her naked and pouting on my couch when I walk into my
office one day.
FRASIER
And I didn't want that image.
NILES
Do you have any idea how long it would take me to clean it? It
will be quicker and easier to just set fire to it. Although that
may upset her. I don't want to do anything that may result in
violence or her using that nail file on anything else. Well what
do I do now?
FRASIER
Just don't tell me about it. That's a good start. AS NILES AND FRASIER CONTINUE TO CHAT WE FOCUS IN ON ROZ AND DAPHNE. DAPHNE STILL LOOKS REALLY NERVOUS. ROZ HOLDS A FOLDER FULL OF PAPER WORK FROM THE BANK
DAPHNE
I panicked and made some remark about his teeth that I think he
took a little to heart. He's refusing to smile and show his
teeth, spent twenty minutes brushing them this morning and made
an emergency dental appointment as a result.
ROZ
Well it's a good thing you said that and nothing else or he
could be making appointments for cosmetic surgery in all sorts
of unusual places. Okay so it's time to go to plan B. Phone him
and tell him to meet you here. He'll think it's a nooner and
come running and then when he wants to know why you're not
drinking coffee that's an easy way into it.
DAPHNE
Couldn't I just have the nooner and forget the conversation?
ROZ
For the last time, no!
DAPHNE
(RE: FOLDER) What's that you're holding?
ROZ
Stop trying to change the subject.
DAPHNE
I'm not. If I wanted to change the subject I would have said,
"Oh look a rabbit just walked in carrying a hand grenade."
ROZ
I wanted to open a bank account for Alice for her birthday as
like a college fund but they gave me nothing but hassle at the
bank and all this paperwork. All I want to do is give them some
money. It's a good thing hookers don't have the same amount of
paperwork to go along with every transaction otherwise that
would be a dying trade. So when are you going to tell him?
DAPHNE
(TRYING TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT) Oh look a rabbit just walked in
carrying a hand grenade. ROZ SIGHS BEFORE TURNING AND FINALLY SEEING NILES
ROZ
He just walked in.
DAPHNE
Oh my God really? A rabbit?
ROZ
No Niles.
DAPHNE
(PANICKING) Where?
ROZ
Over there by the counter talking to Frasier. Here's your
chance. Go and tell him while I have a front row seat.
DAPHNE
I can't tell him in Nervosa. What would I even say? "Hi honey
guess what. I've got a bun in the oven. Can I order you a
latte?" What if he becomes hysterical and hyperventilates?
Adding an espresso to the mixture is not going to help him calm
down.
ROZ
Why would he become hysterical? This is not unexpected. Now in
my case with Rick it was a little unexpected. But you're
marrying Niles in a couple of weeks. Now with the exception of
assuming that his sperm would be as useless as he is, there is
no real surprise here. I mean the two of you can't have that
much to talk about so you're obviously only doing one thing
during your free time together. And that's given me an image I
really didn't want.
DAPHNE
It's not exactly the most romantic place on earth to tell him
something like this. It'd be like telling him in the toilet.
ROZ
Hey romance is what's got you stressing about this in the first
place.
DAPHNE
So I should just waltz up to him and blurt it out in front of
everyone?
ROZ
Yeah but let's leave the dancing out of it.
DAPHNE
But what if he freaks out?
ROZ
For the last time he's not going to do that. Now unless he was
either in a deep sleep or hit on the head and unconscious at the
time you didn't do this on your own. Remember it takes two to
tango.
DAPHNE
I thought we were going to leave dancing out of it. AS THEY CONTINUE TO CHAT WE FOCUS BACK IN ON FRASIER AND NILES. AS FRASIER WAITS FOR HIS COFFEE HE FLICKS THROUGH AND MARKS THE PAGES OF A MAIL ORDER CATALOGUE WITH A RED PEN
NILES
Is that the new Bidwell's catalogue?
FRASIER
(HINTING) Well it is someone's birthday just around the corner.
NILES
Really? Whose?
FRASIER
Mine Niles. I took the liberty to ring a few items that I'd like
to avoid any ceramic clown catastrophes this year.
NILES
A few? It's easier to list what you haven't ringed.
FRASIER
Well you never can tell how many people will be interested. NILES LOOKS UP FROM THE CATALOGUE AND FINALLY SEES DAPHNE
NILES
Oh there's Daphne. NILES MAKES HIS WAY OVER TO HER
FRASIER
I'll join you when I've got my coffee. WE FOCUS BACK IN ON ROZ AND DAPHNE
ROZ
Daphne you can't keep putting this off. You've got to tell him.
This is not confessing to some sort of incredibly infectious
disease that will cause him to loose his vision and walk with a
limp for the rest of his life. (QUICKLY) Don't ask me how I know
that. This is so much better it's a baby. NILES APPROACHES THE TABLE AND SITS DOWN. WHEN HE TALKS HE DOES SO WITH HIS MOUTH PRETTY MUCH CLOSED SO THAT NO ONE CAN SEE HIS TEETH
NILES
What's a baby? ROZ IMMEDIATELY STANDS TO LEAVE AS AN EXPRESSION OF PANIC COMES ACROSS DAPHNE'S FACE
ROZ
Oh you know what? I really need the bathroom quite urgently. I
shouldn't have had that second cup of coffee.
NILES
Thank you so much for sharing that with us Roz. We can always
rely on you for witty, informative conversation.
ROZ
You're welcome, anytime. Oh and by the way bite me. ROZ EXITS TO THE BATHROOM
NILES
So what's a baby? DAPHNE KISSES NILES
DAPHNE
(TRYING TO DISTRACT HIM) It's so good to see you darling. I
didn't expect to run into you today. I thought you had patients
pretty much all day.
NILES
(STILL TRYING TO HIDE HIS TEETH) I had a cancellation.
DAPHNE
Will you stop talking like that? I said I was joking.
NILES
(TALKING NORMALLY) So what's this about a baby?
DAPHNE
Oh God, I didn't want to tell you here. This is going to come as
a shock. It was certainly a shock to me. You see it's like
this...(SUDDENLY) Roz is pregnant.
NILES
(SHOCKED) You're kidding?
DAPHNE
Oh if only I were. She's just found out. Oh but you know what
she doesn't want Frasier to find out yet because she doesn't
think he'll approve so this is just between us for now.
NILES
Please tell me he's not the father.
DAPHNE
No he's not. (THINKS) At least I hope he isn't but I guess it
isn't out of the realms of possibility. He might have needed the
money at some point especially when he was in college. Did they
do it back then?
NILES
What are you talking about?
DAPHNE
You see she doesn't know who the father is.
NILES
Note the complete lack of gasps from this side of the room. DAPHNE SLAPS NILES' ARM
DAPHNE
I didn't mean it like that. She went to a sperm bank. ROZ ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM AND SLOWLY APPROACHES THE TABLE
NILES
Oh my God! I don't believe it.
ROZ
Is this a bad moment? Should I come back? NILES STANDS AND PULLS OUT ROZ'S CHAIR FOR HER
NILES
No please Roz sit down and relax. Daphne's just been telling me
what's been going on with you and the well...bank shall we say?
How long have you been planning this?
ROZ
I didn't plan it. Alice asked for a kitten but I didn't think
she was old enough so I used the money on this instead. In the
long run she'll thank me and plus this won't need constant
supervision unlike a cat. So I was just walking past the bank
and thought it would be a good idea at the time. It's like the
first and only time I got a perm. I didn't think that through
properly first either and I spent the next few weeks looking
like I'd stuck a fork in the toaster. DAPHNE BEGINS TO CRINGE AND HIDE HER FACE
NILES
You didn't think about it at all before hand? This is one of the
biggest decisions you will ever make in your life.
ROZ
Well I went to get a coffee while I waited for the line at the
counter to get shorter. But I tell you it's been one gigantic
pain in the ass. The manager has given me so much paperwork to
do. You used to just sign a piece of paper and it was done. I
did ask one of the clerks if he'd help me do it as a quickie but
he didn't have the necessary equipment. Boy things have
certainly changed.
NILES
You've tried to do this before?
ROZ
No I haven't but I remember my mother doing it. In fact she did
it for a few of the neighbours as well that didn't have the time
to go through the whole messy and time consuming procedure.
Didn't your parents ever do it?
NILES
(OFFENDED) They most certainly did not! (THEN) Your mother
really did it?
ROZ
She's that kind of lady.
NILES
That's certainly amazing if that's the appropriate word.
ROZ
But now I wish I hadn't wasted my time. They gave me so much
hassle down there because I only wanted to give them ten dollars
to start with.
NILES
You get to choose the amount?
ROZ
Of course and what's the point of giving them a hundred dollars
to start with when ten does the trick to start me off.
NILES
It's really that simple to get it from them? There aren't
medical checks? A waiting period? Psychological testing?
ROZ
Of course not. This isn't rocket science. Have you never heard
of an ATM machine Niles?
NILES
You can get it through an ATM machine? Isn't that a little
unhygienic?
ROZ
Oh my God you are such a clean freak. Everybody does it
nowadays. In fact it's almost expected.
NILES
Really? I never thought about...really? Excuse me I think I need
a stronger coffee. I'll be back. NILES MOVES BACK TO THE COUNTER RATHER DAZED AND CONFUSED
DAPHNE
I'm going to be having therapy over this conversation for the
rest of my natural life.
ROZ
What's the matter? Why didn't you tell him?
DAPHNE
I was about to but then something just kind of happened and I
may have told him you were pregnant instead. Are you mad?
ROZ
You did what?!
DAPHNE
I'm sorry I panicked. All I could think about was what if he
doesn't want it. I'm just glad I said your name and Dr. Crane's
name didn't slip out instead. That would have been harder to
explain myself out of.
ROZ
What do you mean something just happened? What just happened?
Did you just go insane?
DAPHNE
I'm sorry. I'll cook him dinner and tell him tonight and get
everything straightened out. I promise. WE FOCUS BACK IN ON FRASIER AND NILES. FRASIER NOW HAS HIS COFFEE BUT IS STILL TOO ENGROSSED IN HIS CATALOGUE TO HAVE MOVED FROM THE COUNTER
NILES
Frasier you've never been to a sperm bank have you?
FRASIER
If you're looking for things to get me for my birthday Niles as
much as I like day trips and trying new things, that is
definitely not one of them.
NILES
I was just checking.
FRASIER
Checking what? How easily I scare? What were you three talking
about over there?
NILES
Oh erm...nothing. Nothing important. Can you order me a latte
please? I'll be right back. NILES EXITS TOWARDS THE BATHROOM
FRASIER
Nothing important my eye. It's time for my to practice my
surprised face. AS FRASIER SMILES TO HIMSELF AND GETS THE WAITERS ATTENTION, WE:
FADE OUT
(D) FADE IN: INT. KACL CORRIDOR - AFTERNOON - DAY/2

(Frasier, Roz, Niles) ROZ IS STANDING NEXT TO THE VENDING MACHINE COUNTING OUT SOME CHANGE BEFORE PUTTING IT IN THE MACHINE AS FRASIER LURKS BEHIND HER
FRASIER
So Roz have you got any plans for the next few days?
ROZ
For the hundredth time I am not going to be a waitress for you
at that stupid wine tasting ever again. Last time not only did
they keep missing the bucket and spat on my brand new two
hundred dollar a pair shoes, but I was also groped more times
then a melon in a grocery store.
FRASIER
Normally you love that.
ROZ
Normally they're not all old men with unusual shaped mole's on
their faces and toupees that look like something they pulled out
of a swimming pool drain that they keep trying to throw down my
blouse so they could put their cold hands down there and get it
back.
FRASIER
Point taken. The drunker they get the more lecherous they do
tend to get. Hell after two bottles of Beaujolais Neuvo they
even hit on me. If Senator Miller ever makes it to President, I
may have what's known as a bargaining chip. That's not what I
wanted to know for anyway. I was just curious, you know as a
friend.
ROZ
Well just as a curious friend I'm going out with Greg the tax
accountant tomorrow night. I just hope he doesn't bring his cat
along this time. It's a little hard to get into a romantic mood
when something small and fury is meowing and licking your ear.
Although last time it was pretty dark. Maybe that was Greg.
Hummm...
FRASIER
Okay and moving swiftly on before I'm traumatised for life. Have
you got any other plans apart from that? Are you going out with
anyone else?
ROZ
I did get a call from Paul who wanted to see me again.
FRASIER
Isn't he the one that liked to you know?
ROZ
Oh yeah.
FRASIER
But you never used to.
ROZ
Oh yes I did.
FRASIER
(DISGUSTED) Oh dear God why?
ROZ
Because it was fun.
FRASIER
I don't even want to imagine the logistics of that. But if you
throw out a hip again don't come crying to me to pop it back in
place. Let me rephrase my original question do you have any
plans for the future where you won't be naked?
ROZ
Of course I do.
FRASIER
Any that involves large groups?
ROZ
Large groups of naked people? Who do you think I am?
FRASIER
No large groups of fully clothed people. At your age I doubt you
still have the large naked group potential pulling power.
ROZ
What does that mean 'at my age'? You don't think I can still get
a large group of people naked? I'll bet you fifty bucks I can.
Just because you have trouble getting one person naked.
FRASIER
I forget, which of us is in the steady relationship?
ROZ
I bet you, any group of people, anywhere, I can get them all
naked within an hour.
FRASIER
That's fine Roz but can you just avoid doing it at the station
Christmas party. Gill's wife is likely to be there and I really
don't need that image. It's bad enough seeing her in a summer
dress when she hasn't been to the electrolysis's in a while. Now
do you have any plans to spend time in the near future with a
large group of fully clothed people?
ROZ
You mean like at church?
FRASIER
I was thinking more along the line of a party.
ROZ
Not that I'm aware of.
FRASIER
Or none that you'll admit to. You don't fool me Roz Doyle.
ROZ
Have you been drinking?
FRASIER
I'm on to you.
ROZ
(CONFUSED) Are you? That's nice. Maybe it's time you went for a
little lie down and was strapped to the bed with an electric
current. NILES ENTERS FROM AROUND THE CORNER
NILES
Have you started your show yet?
FRASIER
Yes Niles I so often do it standing in a corridor.
NILES
Well I'm sure more people will be helped this way. Roz can I
speak with you for a moment please?
ROZ
Sure.
FRASIER
(TO BOTH OF THEM) I'm on to you. NILES AND ROZ BOTH STARE AT FRASIER CONFUSED BEFORE EXITING INTO THE BOOTH
RESET TO: INT. KACL RADIO BOOTH - CONTINUOUS NILES AND ROZ ENTER AND GO IMMEDIATELY TO ROZ'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH AND SHUT THE DOOR SO AS NOT TO BE HEARD
ROZ
Is everything okay with Frasier? He keeps telling me I don't
fool him and that he's on to me. I feel like he's my mother and
he's found a pair of men's underwear stuffed down the back of
the couch.
NILES
(THINKS) He must know about the baby.
ROZ
(OVERJOYED) You mean you know about the baby?
NILES
You know I know. You were there when Daphne told me.
ROZ
(REALISING) Oh you mean my baby don't you?
NILES
Of course. Why who else is expecting?
ROZ
No one at all. Just me.
NILES
Listen Daphne is cooking dinner around at my place tonight and
it suddenly occurred to me, it would be an ideal time for you to
tell Frasier about your new addition shall we say. FRASIER ENTERS AND SITS IN HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH TRYING TO LISTEN
ROZ
Oh Niles I really don't think that's a good idea.
NILES
Why not? He has to know eventually and he's only going to be mad
and sulk that you kept it from him for this long. Think of it
this way it can also be a little celebratory dinner as well.
ROZ
I don't think so Niles, but thanks anyway.
NILES
Then tell him now.
ROZ
(IMMEDIATELY) So dinner it is. NILES OPENS THE CONNECTING DOOR
NILES
Frasier are you free for dinner tonight?
FRASIER
(ACTING SURPRISED) What's that? Dinner you say? Tonight?
NILES
Yes around at my place.
FRASIER
For any particular reason that I should know of?
NILES
Erm...not really. But you never know what might happen during
the course of the evening that will give rise to celebration.
FRASIER
Oh really? Well then yes I'd love to. I'm not one to spoil a
party. (UNDER HIS BREATH) Not even my own.
NILES
Great. I'll see you later. NILES EXITS OUT OF THE BOOTH
FRASIER
Never know what might happen. How naive do they think I am?
ROZ
(INDICATING THE ON AIR LIGHT) You're on.
FRASIER
I know I am. I told you, I'm on to you.
ROZ
No I mean you're on right now.
FRASIER
Oh right. Good afternoon Seattle. AS FRASIER PUTS HIS HEADPHONES ON WE:
FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO


(E) TITLE CARD: "THE MOST OBVIOUS ANSWER WOULD BE CLINTON" FADE IN: INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM - EVENING - DAY/2

(Daphne, Roz, Martin, Frasier, Niles, Steve) DAPHNE AND ROZ ARE BUSY SETTING THE DINNING TABLE FOR DINNER. DAPHNE LOOKS STILL INCREDIBLY NERVOUS AND STRAIGHTENS EVERYTHING AT LEAST A HUNDRED TIMES. ROZ HAS A GLASS OF WINE IN HER HAND
DAPHNE
I think I need more wine. The drunker I get him the better he'll
take it. It's like the time we had to tell Dad the pub had burnt
down during the World Cup. We got him so drunk he just shrugged
his shoulders and had another beer before passing out, falling
and crushing the cat to death. But on the downside he did loose
fifty percent of his field of vision in his left eye.
ROZ
A dead cat is not a downside? Listen Daphne he's going to take
it fine anyway. But remember if you get him drunk he's likely
not to remember and then you'll have to tell him twice. And I
don't think I can go through this twice.
DAPHNE
You know you've got a point there. And the next morning Dad
hadn't remembered and went down the pub. We found him two days
later still lying in the ashes sobbing and hugging a surviving
beer barrel.
ROZ
And I also have another point to make. Now I don't want you to
panic but Frasier is coming tonight.
DAPHNE
What for?
ROZ
Niles came to the station this afternoon. He thinks tonight
would be a good time for me to tell Frasier that I'm pregnant. I
couldn't talk him out of it.
DAPHNE
So are you going to tell him tonight?
ROZ
I'm not too sure. It's such a big thing. But I was thinking it
over in the car and what I think is that... what I am talking
about? I'm not even pregnant. You have got to tell Niles the
truth and end this charade before we have to hide your bump and
push a pillow up my sweater to create my own. I'll get rid of
Frasier and you just tell Niles as planned, agreed?
DAPHNE
Agreed. SFX: DOORBELL
ROZ
Okay here we go. DAPHNE CROSSES TO ANSWER THE DOOR AND MARTIN ENTERS
DAPHNE
Mr. Crane! What are you doing here?
MARTIN
Frasier called me and told me not to be late for dinner. He kept
talking about a surprise. He's probably decided to commit
himself. It was only a matter of time. I didn't even know we
were eating here tonight.
DAPHNE
Ah well you see there's a small problem there. (LOOKING TO ROZ
FOR HELP) You see we were going to have dinner here tonight
but...we...don't have enough food suddenly.
MARTIN
Suddenly? Did it get up and walk out of the apartment?
ROZ
No we think someone must have broken into the apartment and
eaten some of it. There's been a similar crime spree in Tacoma
over the last couple of weeks. They ignore the VCR's but take
the crab puffs.
MARTIN
Really? Have you called the Police? Who would do something like
that?
DAPHNE
At a guess someone very hungry but what little food is left has
teeth marks all over it so we can't eat it.
MARTIN
Let me see.
ROZ
Oh it's really not that interesting. Once you've seen one set of
teeth marks you've seen them all. Right Daphne? MARTIN WALKS OVER TO THE TABLE AND LOOKS AT A PLATE OF HOR'S D'OVERS
MARTIN
I don't see any teeth marks.
DAPHNE
Right there. DAPHNE POINTS TO A CRAB PUFF
MARTIN
I can't see anything. DAPHNE PICKS UP A CRAB PUFF FROM OFF ANOTHER PLATE, TURNS AWAY FROM MARTIN AND BITES A CHUNK FROM IT
ROZ
Is that some there? Oh no it's just the way the pastry's folded.
Well that's a relief we have at least one crab puff to share
between five. DAPHNE SHOWS THE CRAB PUFF TO MARTIN. DESPITE TALKING SHE IS STILL ACTUALLY CHEWING WHICH MARTIN DOESN'T NOTICE
DAPHNE
Here's some. I can't understand why someone would do such a
thing. So sorry about that, off you go and I'll see you at home.

DAPHNE TRIES TO USHER MARTIN TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR
MARTIN
Don't worry about it we can order in. MARTIN SITS DOWN AS ROZ AND DAPHNE SHARE A FRUSTRATED LOOK
RESET TO: INT. MONTANA ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS FRASIER AND NILES STAND IN THE ELEVATOR GOING UP
FRASIER
Aren't you going to phone ahead and let Daphne know we are on
our way up to the apartment?
NILES
What for?
FRASIER
Oh you know, just so that she's ready.
NILES
For what?
FRASIER
Nothing, nothing at all. NILES PUTS HIS HAND IN HIS POCKET TO GET HIS CELL PHONE BUT PRODUCES A PHOTO INSTEAD
NILES
I can call her if you like. Wait a second what's this? Oh my God
it's another photo.
FRASIER
Of Mrs. Woodson? Or have you suddenly attracted your cleaning
lady and the waitress from Nervosa as well now? NILES TRIES HARD NOT TO LOOK DIRECTLY AT THE PHOTO
NILES
This is not funny. I don't know if it's her or not I don't want
to stare at it long enough to find out who it is.
FRASIER
Why? Oh dear God. I'm never going to be able to eat now. And I
know I'll never be able to look her in the face again.
NILES
It's not her face I'm worried about. THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN AND FRASIER AND NILES EXIT
RESET TO: INT. MONTANA CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS FRASIER AND NILES STEP OUT OF THE ELEVATOR BEFORE NILES GETS HIS KEYS OUT AND GOES TO OPEN THE DOOR
FRASIER
Wait just a moment please Niles. FRASIER CLOSES HIS EYES AND TAKES A DEEP BREATH
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Okay I'm ready now.
NILES
That's nice. I hadn't realised it was so traumatic walking into
my apartment. You are aware that there isn't a tribe of pigmy's
hiding out in my living room ready to blow darts at you aren't
you? NILES OPENS THE DOOR AND BOTH HE AND FRASIER EXIT INSIDE
RESET TO: INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS FRASIER AND NILES ENTER, FRASIER WITH A BEAMING SMILE ON HIS FACE. AS HE SLOWLY REALISES THAT THERE IS NO PARTY THE SMILE FADES. MARTIN IS THE ONLY OTHER PERSON IN THE ROOM, SITTING ON THE COUCH
FRASIER
Well were is everyone?
MARTIN
Who else were you expecting?
FRASIER
Oh no one in particular. FRASIER CONTINUES TO LOOK FOR ANYONE ELSE HIDING IN THE LIVING ROOM
MARTIN
(RE: THE PHOTO) What's that?
NILES
Trust me it's too horrific to see.
MARTIN
You forget I was in Korea. I worked vice. I can handle anything
you can throw at me.
NILES
Fine. But don't say I didn't warn you. NILES SHOWS HIM THE PHOTO
MARTIN
You don't care if I ever sleep again do you? DAPHNE AND ROZ ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN
DAPHNE
Oh you're back. Well bad news I'm afraid, someone broke into the
apartment and ate most of the food.
NILES
You're joking. Is anything else missing? Have you called the
Police?
ROZ
Well it may not have been a person it may have been a mouse. NILES IMMEDIATELY JUMPS UP ON THE COUCH
NILES
(SHOUTS) I have mice in my apartment?! ROZ SHOWS FRASIER THE CRAB PUFF THAT DAPHNE TOOK THE BITE FROM
FRASIER
But those teeth marks are huge, that's not from a mouse. And I
very much doubt you actually have a bear hiding in the walls.
NILES
Let me see. ROZ GOES TO HAND NILES THE CRAB PUFF
NILES (CONT'D)
I don't want to touch it. A mouse did this? A mouse wearing
lipstick?
ROZ
Well I did that one. I was hungry.
NILES
But there could have been a disease-ridden rodent running all
over that.
ROZ
Oh you know me I'm not that fussy.
FRASIER
Oh we all know that Roz. ROZ GLARES AT FRASIER
ROZ
That's not what I meant.
MARTIN
I told you we can just order in.
NILES
We can't stay here with a mouse on the loose. It could be
watching us right now.
FRASIER
It won't be armed with a snipers rifle Niles. Just call an
exterminator and then we can go out for dinner.
ROZ
Don't worry if it tries to leap out and maul you to death before
then, we'll protect you. I'm sure the four of us might be able
to summon up the strength to wrestle it off you.
NILES
I'm not getting down off here until I know it's gone.
DAPHNE
Do you know you've still got your shoes on? NILES JUMPS OFF THE COUCH BEFORE CHECKING TO SEE IF HE'S LEFT ANY FOOT PRINTS BEHIND
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
I won't let it get you don't worry.
NILES
My hero. Can I get anyone a...oh my God what is that?! Over
there! Hit it!
ROZ
It's the phone cord Niles for God's sake.
NILES
Oh thank God I thought it was a tail.
ROZ
A tail that big?
NILES
Well apparently this mouse wears lipstick and has a passion for
crab so it wasn't out of the realms of possibility. Can I get
anyone a drink?
ROZ
I've already got one thanks.
NILES
Wait a second you're drinking wine? Roz can I have a word with
you in the kitchen please? NILES EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN
DAPHNE
Oops. I forgot about that.
ROZ
You've got me into this mess. You come and bail me out. DAPHNE AND ROZ EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN
RESET TO: INT. NILES' KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS NILES STANDS IN THE KITCHEN TAPPING HIS FOOT ON THE FLOOR AS DAPHNE AND ROZ ENTER
NILES
Roz I really don't think you should be drinking alcohol. The
poor thing is hardly going to stand much of a chance in life as
it is what with your man crazed, irrationally violent genes
without adding alcohol to the mix.
ROZ
I'll have you know this baby will have perfectly wonderful genes
thank you very much.
NILES
I don't understand. Are you being a surrogate mother for someone
else? You said this was your baby.
ROZ
I was talking about mine and the father's genes wise ass.
NILES
But Daphne said you got it from the sperm bank. How could you
possibly know anything about the father?
ROZ
(SHOUTS) She did what?! ROZ TURNS TO DAPHNE AND GLARES AT HER
DAPHNE
I'm sorry I forgot you didn't want anyone to know about it.
ROZ
Even so, I know the baby's father was an incredibly intelligent
and successful man. They have to mark their profession and
physical appearance on the form.
NILES
And?
ROZ
Actually if you must know he was the President.
NILES
Of what?
ROZ
The United States. DAPHNE HIDES HER FACE
DAPHNE
Oh God, this just keeps getting better and better.
NILES
What are you talking about? There's no way the President of the
United States would even go anywhere near a sperm bank.
ROZ
They go on trips all the time. I mean who really pays attention
to what they get up to? And they're always getting free samples.

NILES
Yes Roz getting free samples, not giving free samples. For your
information they don't donate spare lungs when opening hospitals
either.
ROZ
Are you calling me a liar?
NILES
I'm calling you delusional. You really think you're having the
President's baby?
ROZ
So it seems.
NILES
You're having President's Bush's baby?
ROZ
It didn't say which President.
NILES
Well I think it might be safe to rule out the likes of
Washington and Lincoln. And you're telling me that to obtain a
sample of the President's sperm you only need ten dollars?
ROZ
Well maybe the person who does the pricing was a Republican and
the President was a Democrat. You have to think about these
things.
NILES
I think I need a drink. I don't know what I've found more
disturbing in the last five minutes. That fact that I have a
naked picture of my secretary in my coat pocket, that you think
you're having the current or former Presidents baby or that
someone or something possibly a mouse has come into my kitchen
and nibbled on the food. NILES EXITS INTO THE LIVING ROOM
DAPHNE
Well that went well.
ROZ
What are you talking about? What conversation were you listening
to? You have got to tell him the truth now before I find out
you've told him I'm having triplets after having been abducted
by aliens. Why didn't you tell me I went to a sperm bank? MARTIN ENTERS CATCHING THE END OF THE LAST SENTENCE
MARTIN
Okay I don't think I really want to hear this. MARTIN EXITS BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM
ROZ
Oh great now Martin knows.
DAPHNE
I'll tell Niles as soon as everyone leaves. Now the sooner you
help me get rid of them the sooner you can get rid of the
President's baby.
ROZ
I'm sure I saw something similar on Days of Our Lives last week.

RESET TO: INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS NILES SITS AT THE TABLE TALKING ON THE PHONE AND LOOKING UNDER THE TABLE FOR MICE AS FRASIER PLACES A FEW CATALOGUES AROUND THE APARTMENT FOR EVERYONE TO SEE AS MARTIN WATCHES
MARTIN
Is there any reason why you've got all these catalogues spread
about Niles' apartment? You have a seizure if I leave the sports
section lying around on your couch.
FRASIER
They're here just in case anyone feels like doing a little
shopping for something tasteful for a special occasion.
MARTIN
Like what?
FRASIER
Why does everyone keep asking that? It's my birthday at the end
of the week. You do remember the time that Mom started breathing
quite heavy and then I appeared very tiny and screaming right?
Does this ring any bells with you?
MARTIN
Now you mention it, it does sound kind of familiar.
FRASIER
These are just suggestions for gifts that would be suitable to
avoid any awkwardness and mess when anything ugly unfortunately
gets broken this year.
MARTIN
This is all about those clowns isn't it?
FRASIER
They were hideous Dad. To start with their heads were three
times too big for their bodies. They had no balance. They kept
falling over and denting my woodwork. I have imprints of their
faces all over my apartment.
MARTIN
You said you liked them.
FRASIER
I was in shock at the sight of them at the time. I might have
also have said that I was a little yellow teakettle. I don't
remember. The sight of them was impairing my vision and making
me delusional. A similar thing must have happened to you when
you bought them.
MARTIN
Do you have any idea how much they cost me?
FRASIER
You actually paid for them? I just assumed you were paid to take
them away and burn them.
MARTIN
They looked a damn sight better then the well-hung wooden
African crap scattered around the apartment. At least those
clowns had personality.
FRASIER
Oh yes I'm sure that they're the life and soul of the party at
which ever dumpster they're presently resting in.
MARTIN
Fine. I already know what I'm getting you this year. A red-hot
poker where you least expect it. NILES HANGS UP THE PHONE AS DAPHNE AND ROZ ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN
NILES
I've called my super he's going to come up and take a look and
see if I have a mouse problem. (RE: MAGAZINES) What are these?
FRASIER
Magazines.
MARTIN
It's his birthday soon.
DAPHNE
Trying to avoid another clown problem Dr. Crane?
MARTIN
They were pretty.
DAPHNE
Yeah pretty revolting. DAPHNE TURNS TO ROZ, SMILES AND GESTURES TOWARDS THE DOOR
ROZ
Well we should be leaving to get a table at a restaurant if
there's no food and rodents.
FRASIER
I really don't see any need to leave yet. We can wait for the
super to arrive and...
ROZ
Frasier can I have a word with you in the kitchen please? ROZ TAKES FRASIER'S HAND AND THEY BOTH EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN A BEAT FRASIER AND ROZ ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN, FRASIER LIMPING
FRASIER
And we're going. Niles we'll meet you at Au Pien Du Cochon. FRASIER RUSHES TO THE FRONT DOOR AND EXITS. ROZ STANDS BY MARTIN AND GLARES AT HIM
ROZ
Do I need to have a little chat with you too? MARTIN SPRINGS TO HIS FEET AS QUICKLY AS HE CAN AND MOVES TO THE DOOR
MARTIN
Hold the elevator. MARTIN EXITS AS ROZ TURNS TO NILES AND DAPHNE. NILES LOOKS A LITTLE CONFUSED BY EVERYTHING
ROZ
And we're leaving. We'll see you later.
NILES
No you don't, not without telling him first.
ROZ
I'll tell him in the elevator.
NILES
Fine just make sure you do.
DAPHNE
(FINALLY DECIDING TO TELL HIM) Okay. (REALISING) I mean okay
Roz?
ROZ
Yes okay. Bye.
DAPHNE
Bye. ROZ GIVES DAPHNE A THUMBS UP BEFORE EXITING
NILES
Well this dinner party was a bust. Do you think she'll tell him
tonight?
DAPHNE
I'm really not sure. She seems worried that he won't be
supportive of her decision. What do you... SFX: DOORBELL
NILES
That must be the super. NILES MAKES HIS WAY TO THE FRONT DOOR
DAPHNE
Yes so you can unclench now before you pull a muscle and I have
to spend all night massaging you. NILES STOPS DEAD IN HIS TRACKS BEFORE TURNING TO DAPHNE AND SMILING
NILES
I forget what point you were trying to make.
DAPHNE
Just answer the door you horny devil. NILES OPENS THE DOOR AND STEVE, THE SUPER, ENTERS
STEVE
You got a mouse problem Dr. Crane?
NILES
It looks that way yes. Look at those teeth marks. NILES SHOWS STEVE THE CRAB PUFF
STEVE
Oh my God. That's no regular mouse. I'm going to need a bigger
bat to tackle this problem.
NILES
You were just going to hit it with a bat?
STEVE
What else do you expect me to do? Lead it out of the building by
playing a flute? Serve it with an eviction notice? I'm not sure
they can read Dr. Crane.
NILES
Then call an exterminator.
STEVE
Why couldn't you have just done that instead of dragging me all
the way up here?
NILES
Oh yes because you were working so hard down there weren't you?
STEVE
Hey it's not easy making a comfortable ass groove on a wooden
chair. That's hard work.
NILES
Charming. STEVE EXITS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR
DAPHNE
Do you want something to eat?
NILES
We can't eat that now. I'm not even sure I want to sleep here.
I'm afraid I'll wake up with a mouse curled up asleep in my ear.

DAPHNE
Not if you wear your earplugs. (THEN) So what do you think about
Roz having a baby, you never did say?
NILES
Personally I think it's the most irresponsible thing she's ever
done.
DAPHNE
What do you mean?
NILES
You can't just create a life on the spur of the moment just
because you felt like it. These things take planning first. It's
irresponsible and reckless to bring a baby into this world
without it.
DAPHNE
Yeah.
NILES
I'm just going to change my jacket and then we can go to the
restaurant. Okay? NILES STARTS TO EXIT UPSTAIRS
DAPHNE
Yeah.
NILES
Are you okay?
DAPHNE
(OBVIOUSLY LYING) I'm fine. AS NILES EXITS UP STAIRS AND DAPHNE SITS DOWN WE:
FADE OUT
(F) FADE IN: INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA - AFTERNOON - DAY/3

(Roz, Daphne, Martin, Frasier, Niles) ROZ AND DAPHNE SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF NERVOSA. DAPHNE LOOKS EVEN MORE NERVOUS AND WORRIED THEN EVER
ROZ
So what happened this time? Keep in mind I have the option to
sigh and shake my head at anytime.
DAPHNE
I put a feeler question out there to test the water and I didn't
exactly get the answer I was hoping for. In fact if he'd have
suddenly turned around and told me he was gay and was planning
to marry me brother Billy, that would have been a better end to
the day.
ROZ
It is Niles we're talking about, that still might happen. What
did happen?
DAPHNE
I asked him what he thought about your baby...
ROZ
Oh and while this bout of lunacy continues can you start to say
that a lot quieter? Word gets around in here and my date for
Friday cancelled on me thinking I was going to trap him into
being the father. How I'd do that I don't know. A bear trap I
presume. Although the look in his eye when he broke it off with
me told me he'd be prepared to bite through his own leg to get
away from me so that wouldn't stop him.
DAPHNE
He said that it was irresponsible and reckless to bring a baby
into this world without planning it first.
ROZ
Yeah but he was talking about the crazy story involving me, the
President and the sperm bank not about you two having a baby.
DAPHNE
Maybe, it just set me back a little. What did you tell Dr.
Crane?
ROZ
Nothing. I distracted him. I asked him if he'd been working out
and he spent the rest of our time together trying to check out
his own butt.
DAPHNE
I wondered what he was doing this morning. He'd got his neck
twisted around so far I thought he was going to break it. It was
getting to be like that scene for The Exorcist. MARTIN ENTERS UNNOTICED BY ROZ AND DAPHNE
ROZ
I just hope Niles doesn't catch me drinking coffee in here while
he still thinks I'm pregnant. JOHN, A MAN IN HIS EARLY THIRTIES, SEES ROZ AND APPROACHES THE TABLE
MARTIN
(SHOUTS EXCITEDLY) You're pregnant? EVERYONE IN NERVOSA HEARS AND STARTS TO APPLAUD THE NEWS AS MARTIN SITS DOWN AND A SHOCKED LOOK APPEARS OVER JOHN'S FACE BEFORE HE EXITS
ROZ
No John come back! I'm not really! I still want to go out with
you next week. And that's another one gone.
MARTIN
You're having a baby?
DAPHNE
(EXCITED) I know isn't it great?
ROZ
Daphne!
DAPHNE
Oh all right fine, but you've got to keep this quiet until I've
had a chance to tell Niles.
ROZ
Had a chance? You've had enough chances to tell everyone in
Seattle.
MARTIN
What is it?
DAPHNE
I'm pregnant.
MARTIN
(OVERJOYED) Oh Daphne that's wonderful news. I'm going to be a
Grandpa again! I'm so happy for you. Come here. MARTIN AND DAPHNE HUG
ROZ
But Niles doesn't know yet.
MARTIN
Why doesn't Niles know?
DAPHNE
I'm a bit worried about how he'll react.
MARTIN
What are you talking about?
DAPHNE
We haven't planned this. He said last night that to do it
without planning was reckless and irresponsible.
ROZ
But that was about me not about you.
MARTIN
You're both pregnant?
ROZ
No Niles just thinks I am. Will you tell her Niles won't freak
and just to tell him?
DAPHNE
I know, I know all right. Tonight's the night. FRASIER AND NILES ENTER AND EVERYONE IMMEDIATELY BECOMES SILENT
FRASIER
Oh hello and what are you three talking about? DAPHNE, ROZ AND MARTIN ALL STARE AT EACH OTHER BEFORE ALL TALKING AT ONCE
ROZ/DAPHNE/MARTIN
Shopping/Grammy Moon's boil/Korea.
NILES
Well that's a conversation I'm glad I missed. AS FRASIER AND NILES GO TO GET SOME COFFEE WE:
FADE OUT
(G) FADE IN: INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS LOBBY - EVENING - DAY/3

(Frasier, Keith, Deliveryman, Niles, Martin, Daphne, Roz) FRASIER STANDS IN THE LOBBY WAITING FOR THE ELEVATOR AS KEITH, THE DOORMAN SITS NEARBY
FRASIER
Hello Keith. Aren't you going to ring up stairs and let them
know that I'm home?
KEITH
Erm...no. Why would I do that Dr. Crane?
FRASIER
It's okay Keith I know about the party. Not much gets by me.
KEITH
Oh you're having a party?
FRASIER
Very good Keith. Well I'll just go upstairs and act surprised. THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN AND FRASIER EXITS INSIDE. BEFORE THE DOOR CLOSES A DELIVERYMAN ENTERS CARRYING SOME BALLOONS AND EXITS INTO THE ELEVATOR BEFORE THE DOORS CLOSE
RESET TO: INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS FRASIER STARES AT THE BALLOONS THAT THE DELIVERYMAN HOLDS THAT SAY 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY' AND THEN SMILES
FRASIER (CONT'D)
You're a little late aren't you young man? I think these should
have been delivered by now.
DELIVERYMAN
I don't think so chief. AFTER A MOMENT THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN AND FRASIER AND THE DELIVERYMAN BOTH EXIT
RESET TO: INT. 19TH FLOOR CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS FRASIER AND THE DELIVERYMAN STEP OUT OF THE ELEVATOR. AS FRASIER GETS HIS KEYS OUT THE DELIVERYMAN GOES TO EXIT AROUND THE CORNER
FRASIER
It's this way.
DELIVERYMAN
Not for the apartment I want.
FRASIER
Oh I'm sorry. You see my family are throwing me a surprise
birthday party and I thought they were for me. My mistake. THE DELIVERYMAN EXITS AROUND THE CORNER AS FRASIER COMPOSES HIMSELF
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Okay and I'm ready. FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND EXITS INSIDE
RESET TO: INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS FRASIER ENTERS, AND ONCE AGAIN AFTER HAVING EXPECTED TO SEE A SURPRISE PARTY WAITING FOR HIM, HE'S RATHER SHOCKED TO SEE THAT THERE IS NO ONE WAITING FOR HIM AT ALL. HE LOOKS IN THE BATHROOM AND ONCE AGAIN IS SHOCKED TO SEE NO ONE. HE THEN PEERS AROUND THE FIREPLACE EXPECTING TO SEE THE PARTYGOERS HIDING THERE BUT ON SEEING NO ONE CONTINUES TO LOOK ABOUT THE ROOM RATHER CONFUSED WITH HIS HANDS ON HIS HIPS
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Hello? Hello?
NILES
(OFF STAGE) Hi Frasier. I'm in the kitchen. Can you give me a
hand?
FRASIER
They've managed to fit everyone in the kitchen? FRASIER EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN
RESET TO: INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS NILES STANDS BY THE SINK HOLDING A PLATE WITH A PIECE OF COOKED MEAT AS FRASIER ENTERS
NILES
Can you help me drain off this? I keep nearly loosing the meat
down the garbage disposal. I can't imagine that'll make it more
appetising. FRASIER LOOKS BEHIND THE ISLAND FOR ANYONE HIDING BEFORE HE HELPS NILES
FRASIER
Where is everyone?
NILES
Daphne just went out to the grocery store and I think Dad is out
with Eddie.
FRASIER
What about everyone else?
NILES
Who else is there? Have you taken in a couple of stray tourists
for a few days without my knowing? Where are they sleeping? In
your sweater cubby?
FRASIER
Never mind.
NILES
Frasier does this meat look as if it's smiling at me to you?
FRASIER
Where?
NILES
Right there. That looks like a smile and that's an eye if ever
I've seen one. If you squint your eyes and tilt your head a
little to the right it looks like Nana on Dad's side.
FRASIER
Only not nearly as hairy. Now that you mention it, it does look
a little familiar. Let's hope it wasn't someone we know
reincarnated.
NILES
Is there any chance we've seen it in a field.
FRASIER
I hope not.
NILES
I don't think I like the idea of being watched by my dinner.
FRASIER
Although if you're a cannibal I guess you'd have to get used to
it sooner or later. SFX: DOORBELL FRASIER EXITS TO ANSWER THE DOOR
NILES
And suddenly I'm no longer hungry.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
FRASIER ENTERS, AND EXPECTING TO SEE A GROUP OF PARTY GUESTS IN
THE CORRIDOR, SWINGS IT OPEN AND MARTIN ENTERS
FRASIER
Dad!
MARTIN
What are you shouting for? You scared the hell out of
me.
FRASIER
I'm sorry you weren't who I was expecting. Is anyone
else out there?
MARTIN
Yeah.
FRASIER
Well don't just stand there invite them in.

EDDIE ENTERS AND MARTIN TAKES HIS LEASH OFF
MARTIN
Come on boy, welcome to your home.
FRASIER
I see. Is there anyone other then Eddie in the hall?
MARTIN
I think he left a half eaten bug out there if you
want to invite that in, but I wouldn't if I were you.
Its legs were still twitching and it looked a little
angry.

MARTIN SHUTS THE DOOR AS NILES ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN
FRASIER
Niles did you have that little chat with Mrs.
Woodson?
NILES
Indeed I did once I was able to look at her without
seeing her naked and pouting image staring back at me
and making me break out into a cold sweat. It's
something that took a very long time and not
something I want to repeat again in the future.
FRASIER
What did you say to her? Other then please don't sit
like that?
NILES
Well firstly I had to say 'no you may not stroke my
thigh.' She didn't take the hint so I had to
eventually shout it, which I think startled and upset
her slightly. After she eventually stopped sobbing
and wailing and I got her to swallow a sedative she
admitted that she was just looking for a little male
attention.
FRASIER
That's understandable. She was married a long time.
NILES
If only I could do something for her. She's so
lonely. Actually you know Dad...
MARTIN
No!
NILES
You don't even know what I was going to say.
MARTIN
You were going to ask me to go out with her.
NILES
I most certainly was not.
MARTIN
Okay then. What was it you wanted to say?
NILES
(THINKS) Well I was just going to say how much I
liked those pants that you're wearing. Were they
expensive?
FRASIER
Oh and I'm sure they'd suit you Niles.

SFX: DOORBELL
FRASIER (CONT'D)
(SHOUTS) Oh I wonder who that could be. I'm not
expecting anyone.
MARTIN
Why are you shouting?
FRASIER
I'm not shouting. I'm just clearing my throat in case
I have to make any speeches later.

FRASIER MAKES HIS WAY OVER TO THE DOOR AND SWINGS IT OPEN AGAIN
AS DAPHNE ENTERS CARRYING A SHOPPING BAG
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Daphne!
DAPHNE
Are you trying to give me heart failure?
FRASIER
I'm sorry Daphne.
DAPHNE
I know my family shout when they answer the door but
that's only to scare away the Vicar when he comes
around looking for the collection plate back one of
me brothers have usually stolen. And even they don't
try to give him a seizure on the doorstep.
NILES
What did you go out to the grocery store for?
DAPHNE
You said you liked the sound of those new non-stick
pans.
NILES
Yes but it was a passing comment. I wasn't intending
for you to go out and buy me one immediately.
MARTIN
I like the sound of that new beer. (A BEAT) Well then
off you go.
DAPHNE
Nice try old man, no.

FRASIER STANDS OUT IN THE CORRIDOR, JUST IN VIEW, AND WAITS BY
THE ELEVATOR
NILES
Daphne are you sure you're okay?
DAPHNE
Me? I told you I'm fine you're the one that thinks
the meat is smiling back at him. I'd better set the
table.

DAPHNE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN
MARTIN
(TO FRASIER) What are you doing?
FRASIER
Just walking. Getting a little exercise.
NILES
Is there any particular reason that you're doing it
out in the corridor?
FRASIER
It's nice out here. The colour scheme is very
soothing.
NILES
Should Daphne set you a place out there or will you
come in and join us for dinner?

DAPHNE ENTERS WITH THE KNIFES AND FORKS AND STARTS TO SET THE
TABLE
FRASIER
There doesn't seem to many people out this evening.
MARTIN
As supposed to the bus station that's normally out
there?
FRASIER
I just thought I might see more people tonight.
NILES
Well that's what happens to you when you start to
socialise in hallways. It gets a little too crazy.

NILES EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN
FRASIER
You know I really don't spend enough time out here.
MARTIN
That's nice. Here have some privacy.

MARTIN SHUTS THE DOOR ON FRASIER. AFTER A BRIEF MOMENT FRASIER
OPENS THE DOOR AND ENTERS AGAIN AND SHUTS THE DOOR
FRASIER
That's very amusing Dad.

SFX: DOORBELL
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Ah, I wonder who this might be?

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Roz and...
ROZ
And what?
FRASIER
Where is everyone else?
ROZ
I'm sorry were you expecting me to bring my tour
group by? You know they've already been to the Space
Needle and the zoo today. I didn't want to overexcite
them.
MARTIN
He's decided he doesn't spend enough time in the
hallway.
ROZ
Okay. Can't talk. Got to speak to Daphne.
FRASIER
Oh I see. What about this time?
ROZ
I really can't discuss it.
FRASIER
That's fine. I guess I'll find out when I see the
balloons.

ROZ RUSHES OVER TO DAPHNE AND THEY TALK IN HUSHED TONES
DAPHNE
Roz what are you doing here?
ROZ
Oh I think you know. In the kitchen now.

NILES ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN
NILES
Oh hi Roz. Are you joining us for dinner? You need to
keep your strength up.
ROZ
Okay thanks.

NILES EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN
ROZ (CONT'D)
Tell him.
DAPHNE
I don't want him to drop the meat.
ROZ
Okay he's put it down now tell him.
DAPHNE
He's still holding a fork.
ROZ
And this affects you how?
DAPHNE
I have my reasons.

DAPHNE CONTINUES TO SET THE TABLE
ROZ
What are you doing now? Stop stalling!
DAPHNE
I'm just laying the table.
ROZ
Will you just go in there and tell him!
DAPHNE
I'm just preparing myself. I need to get myself
ready.
ROZ
You do know there's quite a difference between
telling Niles this and putting forks on a table. I
know that might be hard to believe.
DAPHNE
It's all a matter of opinion.
ROZ
Just go and tell him.
DAPHNE
I will. Later.
ROZ
If you don't I will.
DAPHNE
You wouldn't dare.
ROZ
Oh wouldn't I? Niles! Can I have a word with you?
DAPHNE
I'm going to kill you.
ROZ
Good but do this first. Then I'm sure your baby will
look lovely in a tiny prison outfit while you sow
mailbags.

DAPHNE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
NILES CLOSES THE OVEN DOOR AS DAPHNE ENTERS
NILES
What is it?
DAPHNE
I need to talk to you.
NILES
Sure what about?
DAPHNE
How's the roast coming along?

ROZ BEGINS TO COUGH VIOLENTLY OFF STAGE
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
(TO ROZ) Shut up!
NILES
It's fine.
DAPHNE
That's good. There's something else I need to talk to
you about. Okay. Well you see...as it happens...the
other day...you know how we've always...let me put it
this way...
NILES
Daphne just tell me.
DAPHNE
You want me to just come out and say it?
NILES
Yes, what ever it is, has obviously been bothering
you for a few days now and I...
DAPHNE
(JUST BLURTING IT OUT) I'm pregnant.
NILES
...feel that you should just get it off...you're...?

NILES PASSES OUT ON THE FLOOR
DAPHNE
Perfect! Roz! Can I have some help please?

ROZ ENTERS AND LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM FOR NILES. SHE EVENTUALLY
LOOKS DOWN AND SEES HIM SPREAD OUT ON THE FLOOR, SHE THEN LOOKS
UP AT DAPHNE
ROZ
So have you told him yet?
DAPHNE
Very funny. You told me he wouldn't freak out!
ROZ
When have I ever said I'm right about everything?
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
AS MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR READING A NEWSPAPER
FRASIER WALKS ABOUT THE APARTMENT LOOKING IN DRAWERS
FOR ANY SIGNS OF THE PLANNED PARTY. MARTIN TRIES IN
VAIN TO IGNORE HIM AS ROZ AND DAPHNE ENTER DRAGGING
NILES TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM BY HIS ANKLES
MARTIN
What's going on?
DAPHNE
Niles is just taking a little nap before
dinner. He's fine.
MARTIN
(REALISING) Okay. Good luck.
DAPHNE
Thank you.
ROZ
Be careful of the steps.

THEY QUICKLY PULL NILES UP THE TWO STEPS, HIS HEAD
BOUNCES ON EACH ONE. DAPHNE THEN LETS GO OF HIS LEG,
WHICH HITS THE FLOOR WITH A BANG. SHE GOES TO CHECK
HIS HEAD BUT REALISING WHAT SHE'S JUST DONE GOES TO
CHECK IF SHE'S BRUISED HIS LEG INSTEAD. SATISFIED
THAT HIS LEG IS FINE SHE DROPS IT QUITE VIOLENTLY
AGAIN AND CHECKS THE BACK OF HIS HEAD BEFORE PICKING
HIS LEG BACK UP AGAIN
DAPHNE
Oh never mind I'll just tell him it's from
where he fainted.
ROZ
He repeatedly banged his head on the
floor?
DAPHNE
It was one of those freak things like his
head was made from rubber. It was on Sixty
Minutes last week.

ROZ AND DAPHNE EXIT STILL DRAGGING NILES AS FRASIER
JUST STARES AFTER THEM
FRASIER
Well that was normal.
MARTIN
If you say so.
FRASIER
It's all right I know what's going on.
MARTIN
You do?
FRASIER
Oh come on, I'm a doctor. I went to
Harvard. I'm not an idiot.
MARTIN
Well that's a matter of opinion. Then
what's going on?
FRASIER
Oh don't act coy with me. I know you know.

MARTIN
You know I know what?
FRASIER
About my surprise birthday party.

MARTIN STARES BLANKLY AT HIM
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Why are you looking so blank? Don't you
know about it?
MARTIN
I haven't heard anything.
FRASIER
Then that's a good tactic on their behalf.
They know you have the tendency to shoot
your mouth off. I bet they thought if they
told you, you'd tell me. I must admit
they're cunning.
MARTIN
And I must admit you were dropped several
times as a child.

AS FRASIER CONTINUES TO LOOK FOR ANY SIGNS OF A PARTY
WE:
FADE OUT

(H)
FADE IN:
INT. DAPHNE'S BEDROOM - EVENING - DAY/3

(Daphne, Niles, Roz, Martin, Frasier, Kenny)
NILES LIES STRETCHED OUT ON THE BED WITH HIS EYES
CLOSED AS DAPHNE SITS RATHER NERVOUSLY ON THE END.
SUDDENLY NILES OPENS HIS EYES AND LIFTS HIS HEAD
DAPHNE
Are you feeling all right?
NILES
I'm fine.

NILES FEELS THE BACK OF HIS HEAD
NILES (CONT'D)
No wait scratch that last statement.
There's an immense pain coming from the
back of my head like I've got some sort of
probe sticking out of it. Oh my God I have
so many lumps it feels like brail on the
back of my head. What happened?
DAPHNE
I'd tell you but I'm afraid you'll faint
again.
NILES
Oh no Frasier is the father of Roz's baby
isn't he? I knew it! He's been walking
around with the look of a man who's done
something or rather someone incredibly
stupid.

NILES SITS UP AND JOINS DAPHNE AT THE END OF THE BED
DAPHNE
No your brother isn't the father. In fact
I guess now is the time to tell you that
Roz isn't actually pregnant after all.
NILES
She's not? Well I didn't think she would
be after only ten dollars worth. I knew it
cost a lot more and took a lot longer. She
forgets I am a doctor. Anyway for ten
dollars she'd get the seed of a person who
works at a convenience store, attends sci-
fi conventions and still lives with his
mother rather then a lawyer or a doctor
let alone the President of the United
States.
DAPHNE
Roz isn't the one who's pregnant Niles, I
am.

NILES SUDDENLY FREEZES STARING OFF INTO THE DISTANCE
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Niles? Niles? Niles! Oh bloody great first
you faint and now you've gone mute. Can
you hear me? Is there anybody home? Niles!

NILES
(STILL DISTRACTED) Yes?
DAPHNE
Did you hear what I just said?
NILES
I think so. You're pregnant?
DAPHNE
Yes I am.
NILES
Erm...wow! I'm going to be a father?
DAPHNE
Yes you are. I've been so terrified about
telling you in case you were going to
freak out on me.
NILES
(CALM) You thought I'd freak out? Why
would I freak out? (SUDDENLY REALISING) Oh
my God you're pregnant!
DAPHNE
Yeah a little like that.

NILES STARTS TO TAKE DEEP GASPING BREATHS BEFORE
DAPHNE PUSHES HIS HEAD BETWEEN HIS LEGS
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Here put your head between your legs. Just
breathe. Deep breaths. Not that deep
you'll swallow my duvet.

NILES STARTS TO BREATHE NORMALLY AGAIN AND LIFTS HIS
HEAD
NILES
I'm sorry Daphne this has just come as a
bit of a surprise.
DAPHNE
For me too. I was so worried that you'd be
mad.
NILES
Why would I be mad? You didn't do this
alone.
DAPHNE
Well mad for a start that my mother is
bound to try to beat you to death with a
broom for knocking her only daughter up
before you marry her.
NILES
I'm not afraid of your mother.
DAPHNE
You do remember her don't you? A short
lady capable of making a grown man cry
from just looking at him. She causes
animals to attack one another just from
the sound of her voice.
NILES
(OVERJOYED) I don't believe this. We're
going to have a baby. I'm going to be a
Daddy.

NILES SUDDENLY COMPLETELY CALMS DOWN AND RELAXES.
THEY HUG
DAPHNE
You're going to be a wonderful Daddy. I
was so scared you'd panic at the thought
of it.
NILES
Why would you think I'd panic? You know
me.
DAPHNE
Yeah I know you too well. I saw you with
that bag of flour remember. I spent an
hour getting it up off the couch with a
sponge.
NILES
(STARTS OFF JOKING) I was awful wasn't I?
How am I going to cope with this? I mean I
set it on fire. I drowned it. I stabbed
it. I let a dog eat it. (PANICKING AGAIN)
What kind of parent am I going to make?
DAPHNE
I thought you weren't going to do this.
NILES
What if I do it again?
DAPHNE
You won't because this isn't flour. This
is our baby. I'm not going to have a
gingerbread man. I won't give birth to any
kind of pastry. Although if I did we'd
make a fortune selling the story. You're
not alone I'm terrified about it too.
NILES
That's not helping.
DAPHNE
But you're great with Alice and Freddie.
You just need to keep all sharp objects
away from it.
NILES
That I think I can do.
DAPHNE
And we do this together.
NILES
Well we've done everything else together
pretty well so far.

HE KISSES HER
DAPHNE
I'll say doctor.

THEY KISS. NILES THEN MOVES IN LOOKING LIKE HE'S
GOING TO KISS HER AGAIN BUT INSTEAD PLACES HIS EAR ON
HER STOMACH
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Okay that's not exactly what I was hoping
for.

DAPHNE LOOKS DOWN AT HIM AND SEEING THE LUMP ON THE
BACK ON HIS HEAD CRINGES. SHE THEN STROKES HIS HAIR
TO COVER IT UP BEFORE KISSING IT
SFX: KNOCK AT THE DOOR
NILES SPRINGS BACK FROM DAPHNE THINKING THE KNOCKING
WAS COMING FROM HER
NILES
Oh my God!
DAPHNE
Niles it's the door. (SHOUTS) Come in.
NILES
Oh right. For a second there I thought it
had inherited my genes for the knack of
kickboxing.

ROZ ENTERS SLOWLY STICKING HER HEAD AROUND THE DOOR
ROZ
Is everything okay in here? Have you told
him?
NILES
She most certainly has. Why didn't you
tell me Frasier was the father? Did you
think you could keep it a secret? I'm
going to be an Uncle again.
ROZ
Will you keep your voice down before I
kill you!
NILES
Roz I'm kidding.
ROZ
I wasn't.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
MARTIN SITS AS BEFORE BUT WITH FRASIER
PACING AROUND BEHIND THE CONSOLE A LITTLE
FRUSTRATED
FRASIER
Where is everyone?
MARTIN
I'm here. You're there.
Eddie's over there. Roz went
that way. Niles and Daphne are
in her room. Who else is
there?
FRASIER
What a sheltered little world
you live in. I meant my party
guests. Where is the food, the
balloons, some sort of farm
animal in women's underwear
brought by the prankster of
the group?
MARTIN
What makes you think they've
organised you a surprise
party?
FRASIER
They've done nothing but
whisper to one another about a
surprise for days. Then I over
heard Roz and Daphne talk
about it being tonight. Now
what else can that mean? You
don't need to be a detective
to figure this one out.
MARTIN
Sometimes I have to remind
myself that you're actually
supposedly a smart man.

NILES, DAPHNE AND ROZ ENTER
NILES
Dad, Frasier we have some
news.
FRASIER
(SOTTO TO MARTIN) Ah here it
comes, be prepared to eat your
words along with party food
old man. Yes what is it? I'm
all ears.
DAPHNE
I'm pregnant. We're going to
have a baby.
MARTIN
(PRETENDING) Really? Oh my
God! What a surprise!
NILES
You already know don't you?
MARTIN
I kind of found out this
morning. But it's still
wonderful news. Come here.
Congratulations the both of
you.

MARTIN STANDS AND HUGS THEM BOTH AS
FRASIER JUST STARES AT THEM ALL
SUSPICIOUSLY
FRASIER
This is the surprise I've
heard you talking about?
DAPHNE
Yes it is. I knew you over
heard Roz and me talking.
ROZ
You could have told me if you
knew.

SFX: DOORBELL
AS MARTIN CONTINUES TO CONGRATULATE NILES
AND DAPHNE, FRASIER CROSSES TO THE FRONT
DOOR AND OPENS IT. KENNY ENTERS WEARING A
PARTY HAT
KENNY
(SHOUTS) Surpri...

FRASIER COVERS KENNY'S MOUTH
FRASIER
I was wrong it's not tonight.
I'll speak to you tomorrow.

FRASIER CLOSES THE DOOR AND KENNY EXITS
BEFORE HE DECIDES TO PLAY ALONG AND HUGS
NILES AND DAPHNE
FRASIER
Well then I think this calls
for a toast.
DAPHNE
I'll get it.
NILES
Never let me get it, you two
relax.
DAPHNE
If I can drag you up the steps
and into my room I think I can
fetch everyone a drink.
NILES
Wait a second that's where
these lumps came from!
DAPHNE
It was Roz as well.

ROZ IMMEDIATELY STANDS BEHIND DAPHNE
ROZ
You wouldn't attack a woman
standing behind the woman
carrying your child would you?


NILES, DAPHNE AND ROZ EXIT INTO THE
KITCHEN
MARTIN
Frasier you don't seem exactly
thrilled.
FRASIER
Let me just get this straight.
Does this mean I'm not having
a surprise birthday party?
MARTIN
I'm guessing yes but I
actually was a detective, it's
easy for me.
FRASIER
Unless that's what they want
me to think to divert me from
the scent. Pregnant my eye.
They're a lot more cunning
then I gave them credit for.

AS FRASIER SITS DOWN WITH A LARGE SMILE ON
HIS FACE, MARTIN JUST SHAKES HIS HEAD AND
WE:
FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

CLOSING CREDITS: FRASIER ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AS NILES, DAPHNE, ROZ, MARTIN AND EDDIE ALL JUMP OUT FROM THE KITCHEN SHOUTING SURPRISE. THEY ALL WEAR PARTY HATS, INCLUDING EDDIE AS ROZ HOLDS A BIRTHDAY CAKE. FRASIER THANKS THEM ALL BEFORE TURNING TO MARTIN AND GESTURES TOWARDS HIM TO SAY I
TOLD YOU SO.