I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.

Thank you to everyone who sent me feedback for the last one. All feedback is extremely appreciated so please send your comments to kelly_simba@hotmail.com

Enjoy...


Frasier
Alternative Season Nine Episode Twenty-Two
Misadventures in Babysitting

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

TITLE CARD: "POULTRY MAKE UP ABOUT 50% OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS"

FADE IN:

INT. KACL RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Frasier, Kenny, Roz)

FRASIER STANDS IN HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH LOOKING IN HIS BRIEFCASE AS KENNY ENTERS LOOKING FLUSTERED AND WEARING A BRIGHT RED HAWAIIAN SHIRT

FRASIER

Oh hi Kenny. How was your vacation? Judging from the fact that your shirt is reminiscent of a bad opium experience I'd have to say pretty good.

KENNY

Yeah about that doc I really need to talk to you. I need some help. I'm desperate.

FRASIER

I can see that. I'll set you up with a Bidwell's account and get you an appointment with my personal shopper immediately. Have no fear you'll be able to set fire to that shirt sending it back to the devils that created it and breathe a sigh of relief within the hour.

KENNY

No, no, I meant I need to talk to you about my vacation.

FRASIER

Oh I see. Well what seems to be the problem?

KENNY RUNS FROM THE BOOTH AND SLAMS THE DOOR AS FRASIER JUST STARES AFTER HIM

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Other then you've suddenly gone insane and run away from me?

FRASIER EXITS FROM THE BOOTH

RESET TO:

INT. KACL CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

KENNY STANDS BY THE BOOTH DOOR HOLDING A CELL PHONE TO HIS EAR AS FRASIER ENTERS

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Kenny? Kenny? (SEEING KENNY ON THE PHONE) Oh I'm sorry.

FRASIER EXITS BACK INTO HIS BOOTH

RESET TO:

INT. KACL RADIO BOOTH — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER ENTERS INTO THE BOOTH AND SITS DOWN

SFX: FRASIER'S CELL PHONE RINGING

FRASIER TAKES OUT HIS PHONE AND ANSWERS IT

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Hello?

KENNY

(THROUGH PHONE) Hi doc.

FRASIER

(CONFUSED) Kenny?

KENNY

(THROUGH PHONE) Yeah it's me.

FRASIER PUSHES HIS CHAIR TO THE WINDOW AND LOOKS AT KENNY THROUGH IT

FRASIER

Kenny why are we talking on the phone when I can see you sitting on the floor outside the booth hugging your knees and rocking like a child awaiting electro-shock therapy?

FRASIER PUSHES HIS CHAIR BACK TO THE CONSOLE

KENNY

(THROUGH PHONE) Well this is kind of personal. I feel embarrassed talking about it face to face with you. Just treat me like one of your regular callers.

FRASIER

(RELUCTANT) Erm...okay fine. You've made me afraid to ask what the problem is now. Okay I'll do it but just don't give me any information that I don't need to know and may result in permanent scarring. (COMPOSING HIMSELF) Right I'm ready. Okay. Hello caller, go ahead I'm listening.

KENNY

(THROUGH PHONE) You know I always thought that was a little too saccharin.

FRASIER

(HURT) But it's my catch phrase. I've had it for nearly nine years. It's as much of a Seattle institution as I am. And if you continue to wear shirts like that you'll end up in a Seattle institution connected to a strong electric current in a padded room. And although that may sound like fun believe me it's not.

KENNY

(THROUGH PHONE) I'm just saying have you ever thought about trying something different? You know try to make it more modern and appeal to a younger market? You could be more hip, start to ask your callers 'what's up'?

FRASIER

If you're suggesting I turn my show into one of those juvenile television beer commercials, your pleas will be falling on deaf ears. I will not pander to the masses.

KENNY

(THROUGH PHONE) Which gives us some indication as to why your ratings are so low. Miss Judy's arts and crafts show is starting to get higher ratings then your show and the listeners can't even see what she's making. She says she's making a dollhouse from a cotton bud and a banana peel but who really knows? And anyway there's no need to get snippy about it, it was just a suggestion.

FRASIER

Well thank you for that much needed confidence boost right before I start my show Kenny. Why don't you completely finish me off and tell me that there is no penis envy, dreams mean nothing and that Freud had the habit of wondering around the park naked and poking a badger with a spoon? (THEN) But getting back to the problem at hand?

KENNY

(THROUGH PHONE) Oh right my problem. I think my wife may be a little mad at me. Okay a little mad might be a slight understatement. Okay a large understatement. Filing for divorce and trying to construct a voodoo doll from bits of hair and drool from my toothbrush may be a little more appropriate term.

FRASIER

And what makes you think that?

KENNY

(THROUGH PHONE) I may have accidentally forgotten all about her and the kids and left them at the hotel. I was already sitting on the aeroplane and struggling to open my tiny bag of peanuts before I realised that I'd forgotten something. It took me another ten minutes to figure out what.

FRASIER

I assume you got off the plane to go and find them.

KENNY

(THROUGH PHONE) Not exactly doc.

FRASIER

Not exactly? What do you mean not exactly?

FRASIER STANDS AND EXITS OUT OF HIS BOOTH

RESET TO:

INT. KACL CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

KENNY SITS ON THE FLOOR BY THE DOOR HOLDING HIS PHONE TO HIS EAR AS FRASIER ENTERS ALSO WITH HIS PHONE TO HIS EAR. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER AS THEY CONTINUE TO TALK ON THE PHONE

KENNY

Well the seatbelt sign was on. I didn't want to get into trouble. You know what those flight attendants are like. Hitler in heels. And that's when they're in a good mood. When they're in a bad mood they have the ability to give you a sex change with a quick snap of the wrist.

FRASIER

Are you telling me you left your wife and children alone at a hotel in Hawaii?

KENNY

Not quite. We didn't exactly make it to Hawaii. It was a little on the expensive side so we spent a two star week at the airport Holiday Inn in Delaware instead. On the up side we got a lot of free tiny bottles of shampoo and conditioner. I remembered to bring those home with me just not my family.

KENNY STANDS

FRASIER

Oh my god Kenny!

KENNY

What do you think I should do?

FRASIER

Firstly I think we should both hang up ours phones before everyone starts to think that we're crazy.

FRASIER AND KENNY BOTH HANG UP THEIR PHONES AND PUT THEM AWAY

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Secondly find out where the hell they are if they're attempting to travel on their own and then go and bring them back.

KENNY

Can't I just phone? They're only in Delaware, it's not the nicest place on earth but it's not like they're in prison in Thailand on drug smuggling charges facing execution.

FRASIER

Kenny!

KENNY

Oh all right I'm going. But if she kills me be it on your conscience.

KENNY EXITS AROUND THE CORNER AS FRASIER EXITS BACK INTO HIS BOOTH

RESET TO:

INT. KACL RADIO BOOTH — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER ENTERS INTO THE BOOTH AND SITS DOWN AS ROZ ENTERS INTO HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH LOOKING QUITE ILL

FRASIER

Hi Roz. (PAUSE) Roz?

ROZ CASUALLY WAVES HELLO AT FRASIER BUT DOESN'T SPEAK

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Roz? (PAUSE) Are you ignoring me?

FRASIER STANDS AND CROSSES TO ROZ'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Okay what have I done this time or is this just your completely irrational time of the month again? I don't have that written down in my diary for another two weeks.

WHEN ROZ SPEAKS SHE DOES SO IN A VERY STRAINED AND DEEP VOICE

ROZ

I have a sore throat and I think the flu coming. I think it might be my tonsils.

FRASIER BACKS AWAY AND COVERS HIS MOUTH

FRASIER

Dear God you sound like a duck.

ROZ

Thanks a lot.

FRASIER

Some sort of chain-smoking, scotch guzzling duck possessed by a devil. Have you seen a doctor?

ROZ NODS HER HEAD TO SAY YES

FRASIER (CONT'D)

And what did he say to you?

ROZ

He insulted me and told me I sounded like a duck.

FRASIER

I meant a doctor other then me.

ROZ

I don't need to see a doctor. Honestly I'm fine.

FRASIER

You don't sound fine. You sound like you're about to lay a giant egg through your windpipe.

ROZ

Sometimes I wonder why I talk to you at all.

FRASIER

Then may I suggest not talking and going to see a doctor instead?

ROZ

Not talking is not an option. I have a date tonight and he's so hot I just want to...

ROZ LOOSES HER VOICE AND IS UNABLE TO FINISH THE SENTENCE

FRASIER

I think not talking is now your only option because only dogs and psychics can hear you at this point Roz, and as a doctor I don't call that fine.

ROZ

But you're not a proper...

ONCE AGAIN ROZ LOOSES HER VOICE BEFORE SHE CAN FINISH THE SENTENCE

FRASIER

It's a good thing you weren't able to finish that sentence. You have got to see a doctor.

ROZ SHAKES HER HEAD

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Then how do you honestly expect to do the show like this?

ROZ BEGINS TO GESTURE TO FRASIER

FRASIER (CONT'D)

What is that supposed to be? You're stuck in a box? There's a dog? You've gone quickly insane?

ROZ SIGHS AND THEN STARTS TO WRITE SOMETHING DOWN

FRASIER (CONT'D)

What are you writing? (READS) You'll mime the callers to me? Roz you couldn't even mime a mime. How are you supposed to mime someone with a phobia, or someone with disturbing dreams, or I don't know someone sleeping with their boss?

ROZ WRITES SOMETHING DOWN QUICKLY BEFORE FRASIER READS

FRASIER (CONT'D)

(READS) Don't even think about it. You'll be fine? Oh I'm sure. Then how are you going to talk to the callers to find out what their problems are?

ROZ WRITES AGAIN

FRASIER (CONT'D)

(READS) They're all freaks, isn't that enough information? Strangely enough no it's not. As soon as the show is over I'm taking you to see a doctor.

ROZ BEGINS TO SIGNAL THAT FRASIER IS ABOUT TO GO ON AIR BUT HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND

FRASIER (CONT'D)

What does that mean? I don't understand.

FRASIER SUDDENLY REALISES AND THEN RUNS TO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH AND GOES ON AIR

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Oh right. Good afternoon Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane and I'll be taking your calls for the next three hours so without further ado let's get straight to the phones. Roz who do we have on line one?

ROZ KNEELS ON THE FLOOR BEHIND HER CONSOLE

FRASIER (CONT'D)

We have...Neil. Thank you Roz. Hello Neil I'm listening.

AS ROZ SMILES AT FRASIER WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

FADE IN:

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/1
(Frasier, Roz, Doctor Dawson, Niles)

ROZ SITS ON A HOSPITAL BED IN A HOSPITAL GOWN AS FRASIER SITS ON THE END OF THE BED. ROZ STILL SOUNDS VERY ILL

ROZ

I can't believe that doctor made me come here. I don't want my tonsils removed. I'm still using them.

FRASIER

How are you feeling now Roz?

ROZ

How do you think I'm feeling Frasier? My nurse acted as if she could have taught Hitler all he knew about strangling kittens and more, my throat is so sore I can hardly speak, then when I do I sound like that little girl from the Exorcist only scarier and my ass is currently hanging out of the back of this hospital gown and blowing in the breeze for all to see. Oh it's a perfect day!

FRASIER

I told you I'm trying not to look but it's really hard not to. It's like looking at an eclipse. You've heard so much about it you just want to have a look for yourself even though you know you shouldn't.

ROZ

But on the upside these painkillers could probably sedate a fully-grown rhino. My throat still hurts but I really don't care. So I'm actually feeling great.

FRASIER

Exactly how many painkillers did the doctor give you?

ROZ

Only one to begin with. I sweet-talked him into giving me a couple more for good luck.

FRASIER

When? I only left the room for less then a minute to get a cup of coffee. You surely couldn't have put the moves on him in that time.

ROZ

That's all it takes sometimes.

FRASIER

Please tell me you didn't sleep with him.

ROZ

Do you honestly think that I'm that cheap and easy?

FRASIER

Yes I do.

ROZ

Well just listen here buddy...

ROZ LOOSES HER VOICE AGAIN

FRASIER

Suddenly I'm relieved you can't speak.

DOCTOR DAWSON, WHO IS A VERY ATTRACTIVE MAN IN HIS THIRTIES, ENTERS. AS SOON AS ROZ SEES HIM HER JAW NEARLY HITS THE FLOOR

DOCTOR DAWSON

Hello I'm Doctor Dawson. And you must be Roz Doyle. Doctor Jenus has gone off shift so I'll be taking over. Just give me a couple of minutes and I'll be right with you.

DOCTOR DAWSON EXITS

ROZ

Thank you. Oh my God he's even better looking then the last one. Do they breed them here? (THEN) Flirt with him for me.

FRASIER

Excuse me?

ROZ

You heard me.

FRASIER

I wish I hadn't.

ROZ

Well I can't do it now can I? I can hardly talk above a whisper.

FRASIER

I wouldn't know where to begin Roz.

ROZ

Oh come on you've got to have flirted at least once in your miserable, pitiful, sex starved life. You've been married twice for God's sake so you must have done it.

FRASIER

But not with a man! This is an entirely different proposition. My whole approach should be different from what it normally is. Although to be fair men do like to be finessed just as much as women do. That is something that is often overlooked. (THEN) What am I even talking about? I am not doing this! I can see it happening now, it'll get out of control and I am not getting married in San Francisco and adopting a litter of children just because you can't talk properly.

ROZ

You give yourself way too much credit. As if he'd ever want to marry you.

FRASIER

You don't think I could get him to marry me?

ROZ

Frasier this is not a bet. You don't have to do it but I'm sure you could marry any man you wanted to. You're very attractive. Are you happy now?

FRASIER

I suppose so. I guess my shattered confidence will return in time. Why don't you flirt with him then if you're so interested and I'm so unattractive to men?

ROZ

I can't like this. I know I'll have to mime everything again you can translate for me.

FRASIER

I think we've already established that doesn't work during the show. Paul will now never recover from his identity crisis after I thought you were miming a woman with a tendency to meow like a cat when she talks to strangers on the telephone. I don't enjoy purring at strange men you know.

ROZ

That might work if you did it to the doctor.

FRASIER

Roz!

ROZ

Oh fine.

FRASIER

Just talk to him. You sound great like that, very sexy.

ROZ

Do you think so?

FRASIER

Oh yes. One could say you almost sound French.

ROZ

And that's supposed to make me feel better? In other words I sound like I have armpit hair so long it dangles around my ankles and the habit of wearing onions around my neck! What a turn on that is!

DOCTOR DAWSON ENTERS

DOCTOR DAWSON

And I'm back.

FRASIER

And not a moment too soon.

DOCTOR DAWSON

Okay Roz. I've got your test results back and the good news is you're not going to have to have your tonsils removed. So I'm sorry you were dragged all the way here for nothing. A few days bed rest and some antibiotics should clear it up.

ROZ

I can't stay in bed, I have a four year old daughter.

FRASIER

Don't worry about it Roz I'll take care of her.

DOCTOR DAWSON

And I need you to cut that out. The less you talk the less it will hurt. That's my beeper. I'm sorry I'll be back.

DOCTOR DAWSON EXITS AS FRASIER MOVES TO PUT HIS ARM AROUND ROZ

FRASIER

I'll look after Alice. She'll be fine and so will you.

NILES ENTERS AND BREATHS A SIGH OF RELIEF THAT HE'S FOUND THEM

NILES

There you are!

FRASIER

Niles! What are you doing here?

NILES

Daphne got your message and phoned me to tell me what happened. I came straight down here.

FRASIER

That's really nice of you Niles.

NILES TAKES OUT HIS HANDKERCHIEF AND COVERS HIS MOUTH BEFORE EDGING CLOSER TO ROZ

NILES

Yes I couldn't resist the temptation of coming down here knowing Roz is unable to answer back. It's like all my Christmas's have come at once. (EXCITED) So Roz that's a rather revealing gown. A man certainly knows what to expect from dinner and a movie from that.

FRASIER

Niles, thankfully coming here was a waste of time, Roz isn't going to have to have her tonsils removed.

NILES

Oh that's a relief but I thought you'd already had them removed by that tall, blonde man in Café Nervosa yesterday morning. Or were you just sharing a Tic-Tac?

FRASIER

I'm going to see what's keeping that doctor.

NILES

I'd join you but this is too much fun.

FRASIER EXITS AS NILES SITS NEXT TO ROZ ON THE BED

RESET TO:

INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER ENTERS AND STARTS TO WALK DOWN THE CORRIDOR

NILES (CONT'D)

(OFF STAGE) So Roz...Ouch!

FRASIER STOPS AND WAITS AS NILES ENTERS HOBBLING FROM ROZ'S ROOM

FRASIER

Is everything all right?

NILES

Can you bring a wheelchair and pick me up from casualty on your way home please?

AS FRASIER HELPS NILES DOWN THE CORRIDOR AS WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

TITLE CARD: "HE NEARLY KILLED HIMSELF ON THE MONKEY BARS"

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/2
(Niles, Daphne, Martin, Frasier, Alice)

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR AS DAPHNE OPENS THE DOOR AND NILES ENTERS. NILES CARRIES A VIDEO TAPE AND KISSES DAPHNE BEFORE HE HANGS UP HIS COAT

NILES

Hello my love. I have got a surprise for you.

DAPHNE

Am I sure I really want this? The last surprise you gave me was knocking me up out of the blue weeks before our wedding. Now it's only a matter of time before I get so fat I'll accidentally sit on and kill Eddie and won't even notice. I don't want an imprint of a dog embedded in my stretch marked ridden rear end for the rest of my life, not that you gave me a choice about it. You had your fun. Typical man.

NILES AND DAPHNE SIT DOWN ON THE COUCH

NILES

(CONCERNED) Daphne are you feeling okay?

DAPHNE

(DESPERATE) No I'm not. I need coffee and I need it now. Please!

NILES STARTS TO RUB DAPHNE'S BACK

NILES

I know sweetheart. I feel exactly the same way. It's been hard on me too since we both gave it up. But you know what the doctor said. Don't worry we can get through this together. We can resist temptation.

MARTIN

Didn't I see you the other day drinking coffee in Nervosa?

NILES

Oh my God! I don't believe this! I am shocked! Daphne have you been drinking coffee?

MARTIN

Actually I was talking about you.

NILES

Ah...well...you see that was before I agreed to give up.

MARTIN

I think it was yesterday morning.

DAPHNE SLAPS NILES' ARM

DAPHNE

I don't believe it!

NILES

Neither do I. You must have been hallucinating again old man, either that or you need your glasses checked.

DAPHNE

Wait a second, what's this mark on your shirt collar? It smells like...coffee! You've been in Nervosa!

NILES

Frasier made me! It only happened once. I was thinking about you the whole time. It'll never happen again. I promise.

DAPHNE

Oh that's what they all say.

NILES

I promise I'll never touch it again.

MARTIN TRIES TO HAND NILES HIS COFFEE CUP AS HE GOES TO STAND UP

MARTIN

Here hold this for me.

NILES PUTS HIS HANDS IN THE AIR AWAY FROM THE CUP

NILES

No you don't. You're not catching me out that easily.

DAPHNE

So what was your surprise other then you've violated your promise to me and been cheating with a pot full of coffee?

NILES

Once again I feel I should point out that I was forced into it. Anyway after many months of tracking it down, I found something I know you're going to love.

DAPHNE

A way to keep my family out of the country?

NILES

As much as I'd like to say yes, I've yet to find a genie to grant all of our wishes. It's actually something even better. The first ever episode of 'Mind Your Knickers.'

DAPHNE SNATCHES THE TAPE OFF NILES AND STUFFS IT DOWN THE SIDE OF THE COUCH

DAPHNE

Oh you're not watching that.

NILES

Why not?

DAPHNE

Because it's really embarrassing. I was twelve years old and I looked a right fright. I don't want you to see that.

NILES

But I want to see it.

DAPHNE

Well I don't.

NILES

Oh come on Daphne. Please. You know you want to.

NILES KISSES HER CHEEK

DAPHNE

That's not going to work on me this time. That's the reason I have a bun in the oven now.

NILES

Then let's take a vote on it. All those in favour of watching the videotape raise your hand.

NILES AND MARTIN BOTH RAISE THEIR HANDS

DAPHNE

(TO MARTIN) Your vote doesn't count.

MARTIN

Yes it does.

DAPHNE

Does it really old man? That's interesting. Don't forget you're going to be on your own with me later, flat on your back with your leg in the air. I wonder how far I'll be able to push it back before it snaps.

MARTIN

(QUICKLY) My vote doesn't count.

DAPHNE

And mine counts as two. You loose two to one.

NILES

Your vote doesn't count as two.

DAPHNE

Are you excluding our child from taking part?

NILES

No. Oh but Daphne...

DAPHNE

End of discussion. And anyway I'm not talking to you anymore. You drank coffee without me.

DAPHNE STANDS AND EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

MARTIN

Don't worry about it Niles. It's just her hormones talking.

NILES

Do you think so? Her hormones?

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN HEARING THE END OF THE LAST SENTENCE AND HITS NILES BEFORE SITTING BACK DOWN AGAIN

DAPHNE

(SHOUTS) I am not hormonal!

NILES AND MARTIN BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER A LITTLE FRIGHTENED

NILES

(OBVIOUSLY LYING) Of course you're not sweetheart. But does this mean we're not going to the movies this afternoon?

DAPHNE

Of course we are.

NILES

But I thought you weren't talking to me.

DAPHNE

You have to be quiet during the movie anyway. It'll be easier to ignore you when I know I can't talk to you.

FRASIER AND ALICE ENTER BOTH COVERED IN MUD. ALICE HAS IT ALL OVER HER KNEES BUT FRASIER IS COVERED FROM HEAD TO TOE WITH IT

FRASIER

Hello everybody.

MARTIN

Oh my God what happened to you two? I thought you were only going to visit Roz.

FRASIER

We made a little detour on the way back.

DAPHNE

How is Roz?

FRASIER

She's fine. A little groggy from her antibiotics, at one point she thought she was Napoleon but she's generally okay. She'll be back on her feet tomorrow.

NILES

And to celebrate you decided to roll around in the monkey enclosure at the zoo? Those monkey's easily get the wrong idea and as one of my patients can testify to it's not much fun when they do.

FRASIER

We've been to the park.

NILES

And decided to give yourself a mud bath?

ALICE

I fell off the end of the slide and got mud on my knees.

DAPHNE

Why don't you go and change sweetie so you don't get mud everywhere like Uncle Frasier is doing and probably expects me to clean up later.

ALICE

Okay. Thanks Uncle Frasier that was fun.

ALICE EXITS INTO DAPHNE'S ROOM

MARTIN

And what happened to you?

NILES

Please tell me you didn't do that on the slide.

FRASIER

The footprints on my rear end are from the slide. Alice dragged me on there, not telling me how narrow it was. When I became stuck like a cork in a wine bottle I had a stream of children taking bets and kicking me to see which one had the strength to push me down. In the end two of the other Dad's had to pull me down.

DAPHNE

But that doesn't explain the mud of your face.

FRASIER

I was on the swings and Alice pushed me off.

NILES

You got pushed off the swings by Alice?

MARTIN

She's a little girl!

FRASIER

But she has the forearms of a marine and anyway I wasn't holding on properly. She gave me no warning.

NILES

Frasier can you do me a favour? For your own sake never mention this outside this room. (TO DAPHNE) Well as entertaining as this has been we'd better go if you still want to catch that movie.

ALICE ENTERS AND SITS BY THE TELEVISION WITH SOME TOYS AS DAPHNE LOOK AT HER BEFORE TAKING NILES' HAND

DAPHNE

I have a much better idea.

NILES

Mind your knickers?

FRASIER

Do you mind there is an innocent child present!

DAPHNE

He was referring to the television show. (TO NILES) Weren't you?

NILES

I was referring...(OBVIOUSLY LYING) oh of course I was. We could watch the tape of Daphne.

DAPHNE

The answer is still no. I was thinking we could stay here and help take care of Alice. It would make up for the coffee.

DAPHNE KISSES NILES CHEEK

NILES

Really?

MARTIN

And it would be good practice for you.

NILES

I guess. I'll admit I'm not the best with children. I had trouble taking care of myself until I was twenty-five.

MARTIN

Trust me you still have trouble now.

NILES

But anyway I have good practice at home in the Montana.

DAPHNE

Hiding around the corner every time you see the newborn Ackerman triplets is not what I call practice.

FRASIER

Why do you hide from three babies? Afraid they'll try to steal your candy and knock you down?

NILES

Said the man abused by Alice. You haven't seen these babies. I have never seen anything so satanic in my life. If I didn't know any better I'd swear they're the love children of Hitler and Lilith.

DAPHNE

I'll admit they do have abnormally large cone heads, but every newborn baby looks like that. They're lovely. You'd realise that if you actually went and looked at them rather then hiding behind a pot plant.

NILES

I tried looking at them. They've developed some sort of mind control over me. After I made eye contact with them for the first time when they all simultaneously turned their heads to look at me, I began to feel a little faint. I steadied myself on the stroller only to loose all feeling down the right hand side of my body. Now tell me that's normal.

MARTIN

I'm struggling to remember if I ever dropped you as a child.

FRASIER

How can you be frightened of three innocent children?

NILES

They only look that way to lull you into a false sense of security.

MARTIN

Well I'm going down to McGinty's. After knowing my sons live in fear of preschoolers I need a beer.

MARTIN PICKS UP HIS COAT AND EXITS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. HE GOES TO SHUT THE DOOR BUT IT DOESN'T ACTUALLY CLOSE WHICH GOES UNNOTICED BY EVERYONE

FRASIER

(SHOUTING TO MARTIN) I'll have you know Alice will be starting school soon! I'd better go and clean this what I hope is mud off me. There were a lot of dogs off their leashes running around the park.

FRASIER EXITS TOWARDS HIS ROOM

NILES

Hey I've got an idea. Alice how would you like to watch a video with your Auntie Daphne in it?

DAPHNE

It won't work the vote will still be tied which according to the rules means we don't do it.

NILES

And what rules are these?

DAPHNE

The woman who's carrying your child rules.

NILES

I'm sensing this is going to be a regular pattern for the next few months. But how can you say no to that adorable and yet sticky face?

DAPHNE

Alice do you want to watch the tape?

ALICE

Can I watch The Little Mermaid?

DAPHNE

Of course you can sweetheart. Nice try. I'm going to hide this somewhere that you'll never find it.

DAPHNE EXITS TOWARDS HER ROOM PICKING A TAPE UP OFF THE TELEVISION NOT THE ONE FROM DOWN THE SIDE OF THE COUCH. NILES SLUMPS DOWN ON THE COUCH AND PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS

NILES

Great now I'll never find that tape. I wonder where she's likely to hide it from me? In the closet, or maybe in the linen basket.

ALICE SITS NEXT TO NILES LOOKING CONCERNED

ALICE

What are you doing?

NILES

Oh just thinking aloud. (THINKS) You know Alice you can help me. Let's play a game. If you were a videotape of Auntie Daphne where would you hide?

ALICE

Under the bed?

NILES

I have an idea. You know I may be able to see where she puts it through the crack in the door.

NILES GOES TO EXIT TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM

ALICE

But what about the game?

NILES

Keep playing.

NILES EXITS INTO DAPHNE'S ROOM. ALICE STANDS, LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM AND THEN RUNS AND EXITS TOWARDS FRASIER'S ROOM

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

ALICE ENTERS INTO FRASIER'S ROOM BEFORE GETTING ONTO HER KNEES AND CRAWLING AND HIDING UNDER FRASIER'S BED. FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS BATHROOM AND THEN EXITS

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS BEDROOM AND POURS A GLASS OF SHERRY AS DAPHNE AND NILES ENTER FROM DAPHNE'S ROOM

DAPHNE

You can pull that pouty and yet quite sexy face all you like but my answer is still no.

NILES

Oh please Daphne!

DAPHNE

No!

DAPHNE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

FRASIER

It's okay Niles, you just have to get used to it. The same thing happened between Lilith and I. As soon as she was pregnant she just wasn't interested in sex anymore no matter how much I begged and pleaded. It's quite common don't worry about it. Does that make you feel any better?

NILES

Only about a hundred times worse. I wanted to watch a tape of Daphne's television show. This has nothing to do with sex.

FRASIER

Oh I see...well I'm sure it won't happen to you two.

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN

DAPHNE

Where has Alice gone?

FRASIER

(TO DAPHNE) I thought she was with you.

DAPHNE

(TO NILES) I thought she was with you.

NILES

(TO FRASIER) I thought she was with you.

FRASIER

Okay now that we've established whom we all thought she was with, can we actually work out where she is?

DAPHNE SEES THE FRONT DOOR AJAR AND POINTS

DAPHNE

Oh no Dr. Crane. The door.

AS FRASIER RUSHES TO THE FRONT DOOR AND LOOKS OUTSIDE WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(D)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/2
(Frasier, Daphne, Niles, Martin, Bob, Mrs. Roberts)

FRASIER, NILES AND DAPHNE STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM PANICKING

FRASIER

Okay who was the last person to see her?

DAPHNE

I was in my room.

FRASIER

I was changing.

A BEAT

NILES

So technically that would be Eddie then?

FRASIER

You left her on her own?

NILES

I thought she'd be fine for the mere twenty seconds that I was out of the room. I didn't expect her to spontaneously combust. No one warned me children had the tendency to do that. They should come with warnings tattooed on their foreheads.

FRASIER

Okay nobody panic. Before we start to search the building are we sure that she's not in the apartment?

DAPHNE

I'll check your father's room.

DAPHNE EXITS TOWARDS MARTIN'S ROOM AS FRASIER OPENS THE BATHROOM DOOR AND LOOKS INSIDE. NILES STANDS FOR A MOMENT BEFORE LOOKING BEHIND ONE OF THE SOFA CUSHIONS

FRASIER

She's not going to be behind the sofa cushion Niles.

NILES

No you don't understand. Daphne has hidden that tape from me. I have a feeling she may have tricked me and left it in here instead.

FRASIER

Let me get this straight, you're looking for a videotape of Daphne instead of Alice.

NILES

Ah so you do understand.

FRASIER

Forget the tape and look for Alice.

MARTIN ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR

MARTIN

I forgot my wallet.

FRASIER

Oh Dad thank goodness you're back. Alice is missing.

MARTIN

How did that happen?

FRASIER

Well Niles was...

MARTIN

It's okay you don't need to say anymore.

NILES

I can't tell you how much confidence this gives me.

MARTIN

Hey I saw that bag of flour.

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM MARTIN'S ROOM

DAPHNE

She's not there.

FRASIER

Okay let's split up. Dad you come with me. Niles you start in the lobby in case she went in the elevator.

DAPHNE

I'll nip to Roz's and see if she knows of any place that she's likely to go.

FRASIER

Try not to let on what's happened to Roz, there's no need for her to panic. Okay let's go.

NILES LOOKS IN THE FIREPLACE

FRASIER (CONT'D)

We're looking for Alice Niles, not a videotape!

NILES

What do I do if I find her?

MARTIN

Well the obvious thing would be to bring her back to the apartment so I'll go with shoot her with a tranquilliser dart and then drag her through the streets by a horse.

NILES

That's very amusing.

FRASIER

Just go and look for her.

FRASIER, MARTIN, NILES AND DAPHNE ALL EXIT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR

RESET TO:

INT. 19TH FLOOR CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER, MARTIN, NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER. NILES AND DAPHNE PRESS AND WAIT FOR THE ELEVATOR AS FRASIER AND MARTIN EXIT AROUND THE CORNER

RESET TO:

INT. 19TH FLOOR CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER AND MARTIN ENTER FROM AROUND THE CORNER TO A CORRIDOR WITH MORE APARTMENT DOORS ON EITHER SIDE

MARTIN

What do we do now?

FRASIER

Start knocking on doors I guess, to see if anyone's seen her.

FRASIER KNOCKS ON THE FIRST DOOR THAT HE COMES TO. AFTER A BRIEF MOMENT, BOB, A MAN WEARING A DRESSING GOWN AND A PAIR OF WELDING GOGGLES OPENS THE DOOR

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Hello? Can I speak with you for a moment please?

BOB

What do you want?

FRASIER

You haven't by any chance seen a little girl about so high, brown hair, sticky face.

BOB

What business of it is yours if I have?

FRASIER

You see it's my friend's daughter and I've lost her.

BOB

That was very careless of you. That doesn't make you much of a friend does it?

FRASIER

Granted but that doesn't help me a lot.

BOB

Look it's no fault of mine that you've thrown away a child with the trash. I didn't do it. I was just minding my own business but am I allowed to do that? No. You make it seem like there's something wrong with a man who likes to sit in his underwear watching reruns of Jeopardy! Answering all the questions and thinking my God Alex Trebek is just the handsomest man in the world. I'm not freak, you hear! I am a person.

BOB SLAMS THE DOOR IN FRASIER'S FACE

FRASIER

I think it may be time that we moved to another building.

THEY MOVE TO THE NEXT DOOR AND MARTIN KNOCKS ON IT

MARTIN

I'll knock this time. You have no people skills.

FRASIER

I am a trained mental health expert.

MARTIN

Then maybe you should go back across the hall and try to help that guy.

FRASIER

I said I'm an expert, not a miracle worker.

MRS. ROBERTS, AN ELDERLY WOMAN OPENS THE DOOR

MARTIN

Hello, we're...

MRS. ROBERTS

Oh my God! You're Dr. Frasier Crane! I was told you lived in this building, but I didn't believe it until I'd seen it with my own eyes. You're not at all what I imagined you'd look like in person. Could you be any handsomer?

FRASIER

Well I could try, but why tamper with perfection.

MARTIN

Oh jeez. We're looking...

MRS. ROBERTS

Please come in. It would be an honour to have you in my home. Or as I like to call it my house of worship.

FRASIER AND MARTIN FOLLOW MRS. ROBERTS AND EXIT INSIDE

RESET TO:

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER, MARTIN AND MRS. ROBERTS ENTER INTO THE ROOM. THE ROOM IS DECORATED IN VARIOUS PICTURES OF FRASIER MADE FROM EVERY MATERIAL IMAGINABLE

FRASIER

(SHOCKED) Oh my!

MRS. ROBERTS

Please sit down. You must be exhausted from helping people all day long. I'm Doreen. Doreen Roberts. I know this is a little forward of me but could I possibly trouble you for an autograph?

FRASIER AND MARTIN RATHER HESITANTLY SIT DOWN

FRASIER

Of course.

MRS. ROBERTS

Let me find a pen. I'll be right back.

MRS. ROBERTS EXITS THROUGH A DOOR ON THE RIGHT HAND WALL. AS SOON AS SHE HAS LEFT THE ROOM FRASIER AND MARTIN SPRING TO THEIR FEET TO LOOK AT THE ROOM

MARTIN

Well this is kind of creepy. She's obsessed. All that's missing is a photo of you behind a row of burning candles and some monkey hair.

FRASIER

Don't exaggerate. What's the harm in a few photos?

MARTIN

This one has a speech bubble that says 'I love you Doreen.'

FRASIER

Well that's not so bad. What's the harm in a little fantasy?

MARTIN

A picture of you made out of pasta.

FRASIER

Well...that's very creative.

MARTIN

And a semi-naked glove puppet.

FRASIER

(QUICKLY) And we're out of here.

FRASIER AND MARTIN RUSH TO THE FRONT DOOR. MARTIN TURNS THE HANDLE BUT IT WON'T OPEN

FRASIER (CONT'D)

What's the matter? Let's go!

MARTIN

The doors locked.

FRASIER

What?!?

MARTIN

It's locked.

MRS. ROBERTS ENTERS WITH A PEN

MRS. ROBERTS

What are you doing?

FRASIER AND MARTIN BOTH FREEZE

FRASIER

Nothing. Just admiring the door panelling.

MRS. ROBERTS

Please sit down.

MARTIN

(TO FRASIER) You first.

FRASIER GOES TO SIT DOWN

MRS. ROBERTS

Oh please here, let me move that for you. A special guest like you doesn't have to sit on plastic.

AS MRS. ROBERTS REMOVES THE PLASTIC FROM THE COUCH WE:

FADE OUT

(E)

FADE IN:

INT. ROZ'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/2
(Daphne, Roz)

ROZ LIES WRAPPED IN A BLANKET ON THE COUCH SURROUNDED BY MAGAZINES AND EMPTY GLASSES WITH THE TELEVISION BLARING. DAPHNE ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND SEEING ROZ WATCHING THE TELEVISION LIGHTLY KNOCKS ON THE DOOR TO GET HER ATTENTION

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Hello Roz. It's Daphne. How are you feeling?

DAPHNE SITS DOWN ON A CHAIR NEXT TO THE COUCH

ROZ

Daphne! Oh it's Daphne. (TURNS TO THE EMPTY CHAIR NEXT TO HER) Look it's Daphne. Oh there's no one else here. Well where did they go? Hello Daphne. How are you today Daphne? Daphne, Daphne, Daphne. You know I just love your name you know...

DAPHNE

Daphne?

ROZ

No that's not it.

DAPHNE

I assure you it is.

ROZ

I think I know my own name and it's not Daphne. I always liked the name Howard. I wish I knew a Howard, or an Archibald. Not for any particular reason. But if they have names like that they probably need some friends and to move out of their mothers basement.

DAPHNE

Roz are you feeling okay?

ROZ

I wasn't, but then the lovely, lovely doctor at the hospital gave me something to take the edge off. He's such a lovely doctor. Lovely, lovely. If I had a butterfly net I'd catch him to keep in a cage in my bedroom and feed him peanut butter off a stick all day long.

DAPHNE

That's...nice.

ROZ

You don't think that's cruel do you?

DAPHNE

What keeping the lovely, lovely doctor in a cage?

ROZ

No feeding him peanut butter?

DAPHNE

Only if you give him jelly to go with it. Now that would be cruel. Possibly even a crime against humanity. Listen Roz I really need to talk to you about something.

ROZ TAKES DAPHNE'S HAND VERY SYMPATHETICALLY

ROZ

I knew this was coming. It was only a matter of time before you found out the truth. It's about Niles isn't it? Don't worry I'm here for you.

DAPHNE

No it's...wait a second what does that mean? What about Niles?

ROZ

It's okay, I've known for years.

DAPHNE

Known what for years?

ROZ

He's actually gay isn't he? It's okay you can tell me.

DAPHNE

As much as I know you want to believe that about him, sadly it's not true.

ROZ

But he's so prissy and girly. He's even more prissy then Alice. Oh Alice. I have a daughter. Did you know that? I love my daughter.

DAPHNE

And on that subject Roz does Alice have any special places that she likes to hide?

ROZ

Nope.

DAPHNE

No place that she keeps going?

ROZ

You mean like pre-school?

DAPHNE

Places that she goes on her own without you knowing?

ROZ

If she goes without my knowing, I don't know, now do I? You haven't thought this through very well have you Daphne?

DAPHNE

Okay, good point. Has she ever wondered off anywhere?

ROZ

Once I found her in the kitchen when I thought she was in the bedroom.

DAPHNE

That's not really what I was aiming for. Okay I'm going to be honest with you since you're as high as a kite and you probably won't remember. Roz, we've lost Alice in the building. Is there any place that she's likely to hide?

ROZ

You're real funny.

DAPHNE

Roz did you understand what I just said?

ROZ

I think I'm going to take a nap.

DAPHNE

Can we finish talking first?

ROZ

We can finish after the nap. Come on take a nap with me.

ROZ WRAPS HER ARMS AROUND DAPHNE

DAPHNE

Roz I really don't have time.

ROZ

Oh there's always time for a nap. Nap with me. Nap with me.

ROZ WRAPS HER ARMS AROUND DAPHNE SO THAT SHE'S TRAPPED AND UNABLE TO MOVE

DAPHNE

I really can't Roz. (PAUSE) Roz? (PAUSE) Roz? (PAUSE) Roz?

ROZ STARTS TO SNORE AND DAPHNE IS UNABLE TO MOVE

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Perfect.

AS DAPHNE SIGHS WE:

FADE OUT

(F)

TITLE CARD: "THE SIGHT OF WOOL MAKES HIM BREAK OUT"

FADE IN:

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM — AFTERNOON — DAY/2
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Girl, Mrs. Roberts, Police, Daphne)

MARTIN SITS ON THE COUCH AS FRASIER PACES BACK AND FORTH BEHIND IT WITH HIS CELL PHONE PRESSED TO HIS EAR

FRASIER

(ON PHONE) Hello? Yes hello. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, you may have heard of me. Not to your knowledge? I have my own radio show. I'm a psychiatrist. What do you mean you haven't heard of me?

MARTIN

(BRINGING HIM BACK TO HIS POINT) Frasier!

FRASIER

(ON PHONE) Well that's not important. I'm being held hostage. No I can't speak up or she'll hear me. The woman who is holding me and my father captive obviously. We're in apartment 1908 at the Elliot Bay Towers. Well she's about five feet, grey hair, around eighty years old. Why are you laughing at me? (TO MARTIN) Dad they're laughing at me. You speak to them.

MARTIN

No way. I might know some of those guys I don't want them to know you're been terrorised by a woman with blue hair and removable teeth.

FRASIER

What do you mean "you"?

MARTIN

I told you it'll be fine. Just ask her for the key.

FRASIER

Look at her apartment. A woman this unbalanced is likely to snap like a twig at the drop of a hat. And although I don't want to I'll use you as a human shield if I have to. (ON PHONE) I tell you she's armed. With a cane. It's a long one! Stop laughing at me and come here and save me. Thank you. Goodbye. (HANGS UP THE PHONE) They're not coming are they?

MARTIN

I don't think so. What do you want to do now? Other then try to beat her to death with her glove puppets.

FRASIER

Look how fat she's made me.

MARTIN

Yeah because that's the most important thing right now with Alice lost somewhere.

FRASIER

Noted.

MARTIN

Just let me ask her for the key.

FRASIER

No. I've already told you she might lash out, she has very sharp nails and I scratch very easily. (THEN) You don't happen to have a hairpin do you?

MARTIN

Yeah let me just take it out of my bun. You know I've always wanted to look more like Lilith. When have I ever carried a hairpin around with me?

FRASIER

Surprisingly enough, that's not helping.

MARTIN

Ask Mrs. Roberts.

FRASIER

I should ask the slightly frightening and rather insane woman who has locked us in her house for a hairpin? You don't think she's going to want to know what I want it for?

MARTIN

That's a good point. You have no hair to put it in. What about the window if you're so hell bent on escape?

FRASIER

What about it?

MARTIN

Climb out the window.

FRASIER

You want me to climb out of the window onto a tiny ledge nineteen stories in the air?

MARTIN

Yeah.

FRASIER

Do you listen to yourself before you speak?

MARTIN

What's your problem?

FRASIER

Well top of the list might be falling to my death and being embedded in the floor. And that's just off the top of my head.

MARTIN

Can't you climb up to the next floor?

FRASIER

With what? I don't have my super hero utility belt. I didn't think I'd need it today and besides it clashes with these pants.

MARTIN

Well it's either the window or facing the possibility that Mrs. Roberts might glue you to a chair and pluck your hair out one by one before feeding you pigeon's feet.

FRASIER

I thought you said you thought she was harmless.

MARTIN

I do but I just love to see you freaked out.

FRASIER

Wait a second how did you come up with that?

MARTIN

You forget, I was a cop.

SFX: FRASIER'S CELL PHONE

FRASIER ANSWERS HIS PHONE QUICKLY SO THAT MRS. ROBERTS DOESN'T HEAR

FRASIER

(ON PHONE) Hello?

RESET TO:

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES STANDS IN A DARK CORRIDOR COVERED IN DIRT HOLDING HIS CELL PHONE TO HIS EAR LOOKING REALLY STRESSED

NILES

Oh thank God Frasier! I need your help.

RESET TO:

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER

What's the matter?

RESET TO:

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES

I'm lost.

RESET TO:

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER

What do you mean you're lost? Lost where?

RESET TO:

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES

If I knew where I was lost, I wouldn't be lost now would I?

RESET TO:

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER

Well where are you?

RESET TO:

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES

I don't know where I am that's the point. What part of this don't you understand?

RESET TO:

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER

All right Niles. Calm down.

RESET TO:

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES

I can't calm down. It's dark and scary down here and smells like the depths of hell. You've got to come and find me.

RESET TO:

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER

We can't right now.

RESET TO:

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES

Why not?

RESET TO:

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER

We're trapped in the apartment of an elderly lady. She won't let us leave. She's locked the door.

RESET TO:

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES

Okay let's compare notes. I'm trapped in some dark, musty smelling hell where I might be killed at any moment by a beast and you're in a woman's apartment. Why is life so cruel to you?

RESET TO:

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER

It's not what it seems. She's locked us in she's insane.

RESET TO:

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES

Why has she locked you in?

RESET TO:

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER

She's a fan of my show.

RESET TO:

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES

Dear God she truly is insane. (SHOUTS) Now I feel for you Frasier I really do but I would like to get out of here in time for my wedding and before my child is born!

RESET TO:

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER

Fine describe something around you.

RESET TO:

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES MOVES AROUND AND RESTS NEXT TO A LARGE CAGE STRETCHING FROM THE CEILING TO THE FLOOR

NILES

A cage.

RESET TO:

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER

What like a zoo cage or a birdcage?

RESET TO:

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES

More like a cell.

RESET TO:

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER

Are you sure you're still in the building?

RESET TO:

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES

I don't know that's why I'm calling you.

NILES SUDDENLY FLINCHES AND LEAPS FORWARD

NILES (CONT'D)

Oh my God! What is that? Get off me get off me!

RESET TO:

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER

What's the matter?

RESET TO:

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES STARTS TO RUN DOWN THE CORRIDOR BRUSHING DOWN HIS BACK AS HE GOES

NILES

I'm being chased by something.

RESET TO:

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER

Then grab a hold of something sharp to beat it to death with.

RESET TO:

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES STOPS AND STARTS TO BEAT HIS BACK WITH HIS CELL PHONE

NILES

Take that you brute!

NILES SUDDENLY STOPS

NILES (CONT'D)

Oh never mind.

RESET TO:

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER

You haven't just clubbed Alice to death have you?

RESET TO:

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES

No it was a long piece of cotton attached to my sweater. Oh wait I see a sign. It says storage space. What do you think that means?

RESET TO:

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER

I think that it means you're in the storage space and that you're not getting enough oxygen to the brain.

RESET TO:

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES

Don't mock me I've had a traumatic experience.

RESET TO:

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER

Oh yes dusty old furniture and a piece of cotton, how are you capable of rational thought? Just find Alice will you!

RESET TO:

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES

Fine.

NILES HANGS UP HIS PHONE AND LOOKS AT THE DIRT ON HIS HANDS

NILES (CONT'D)

Oh dear God I'm going to be showering for a week.

NILES OPENS THE DOOR AT THE END OF THE CORRIDOR AND EXITS THROUGH IT

RESET TO:

INT. PARKING GARAGE — CONTINUOUS

NILES ENTERS INTO THE PARKING GARAGE AND LOOKS AROUND. TO THE RIGHT OF THE DOOR IS A LITTLE GIRL DRESSED SIMILAR TO ALICE SITTING DOWN

NILES (CONT'D)

Alice! There you are! Why did you run off like that? Oh well never mind, the most important thing is that I've found you now. Let's get back to Uncle Frasier's.

AS NILES GRABS THE LITTLE GIRLS HAND AND FORCES HER TO FOLLOW HIM WE:

RESET TO:

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN IS STILL SITTING ON THE COUCH AS FRASIER PACES ABOUT LIKE A CAGED ANIMAL

FRASIER

Okay here's what we're going to do. You're going to flirt with her and distract her while I grab the keys and make a run for it.

MARTIN

And leave me here?

FRASIER

That was going to be my plan yes. And since she's harmless there's no need to worry is there?

MARTIN

Why don't you distract her? You're the one that's got us in this situation to begin with.

FRASIER

This is all my fault? Well I guess if I wasn't so appealing to women then we wouldn't be trapped here.

MARTIN

Oh jeez open up a window.

MRS. ROBERTS ENTERS WITH A TRAY OF COFFEE

MRS. ROBERTS

And here we go. A lovely pot of coffee.

FRASIER RATHER NERVOUSLY SITS DOWN

FRASIER

Great thank you.

MRS. ROBERTS

You know I'm your biggest fan.

FRASIER

I can see that yes.

MRS. ROBERTS

Do I mind if I sit next to you?

FRASIER

Not at all. (TO MARTIN) Don't you dare leave me!

MRS. ROBERTS

Pardon?

MRS. ROBERTS SITS DOWN

FRASIER

Nothing.

MRS. ROBERTS

I remember the very first time your show was broadcast.

FRASIER

So do I.

MRS. ROBERTS

We have such a lot in common.

SFX: KNOCKING ON THE DOOR

POLICE

(OFF STAGE) Open up Police.

FRASIER LEAPS TO HIS FEET

FRASIER

(SHOUTS) Oh thank God! We're in here!

CONFUSED MRS. ROBERTS OPENS THE FRONT DOOR, KICKING THE BOTTOM BEFORE SHE TURNS THE HANDLE AND TWO POLICE OFFICERS ENTER

MRS. ROBERTS

What's going on?

FRASIER

There she is officer arrest her.

MRS. ROBERTS

Arrest me for what? It's only illegal to tare the tags off my sofa cushions not to remove the plastic.

FRASIER

I meant for holding us hostage.

MRS. ROBERTS

Excuse me?

FRASIER

You locked us in.

MRS. ROBERTS

I most certainly did not.

FRASIER

Then why wouldn't the door open when we turned the handle?

MRS. ROBERTS

Because the door sticks. You have to kick it at the bottom before it'll open.

FRASIER

Ah...well that changes things a bit.

MARTIN EDGES HIS WAY TOWARDS THE DOOR AND TRIES TO LEAVE UNNOTICED

MRS. ROBERTS

You thought I was holding you hostage?

FRASIER

Hostage is a little harsh, how about captive?

POLICE

Aren't you Marty Crane?

MARTIN

No, you must have me confused with someone else.

POLICE

I'm sure I've seen you at the station.

MARTIN

Honestly you must be thinking of someone else.

MRS. ROBERTS

And to think I used to be a fan of your show.

FRASIER

It's not a great leap to come to the conclusion that we...I did. Look at your apartment.

MRS. ROBERTS

I make these things to sell at auction to raise funds for the PBS Pledge drive when you perform.

FRASIER

I see. But what about this picture?

FRASIER POINTS TO THE PICTURE WITH THE SPEECH BUBBLE

MRS. ROBERTS

That was a gift from PBS for all the hard work I do.

FRASIER

I seem to have made a bit of a blunder here.

MARTIN

Just a bit.

FRASIER

Well I'd best be leaving.

FRASIER AND MARTIN EXIT EXTREMELY HURRIEDLY

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MOMENTS LATER

DAPHNE PLACES THE PHONE BACK ON THE CHARGER AS FRASIER AND MARTIN ENTER

DAPHNE

Where have you two been?

FRASIER

Hauled up like prisoners.

MARTIN

Did Roz give you any idea where she might go?

DAPHNE

Well Roz might go slightly insane but that's neither here nor there. Niles called. He found her. They're on their way up.

FRASIER

Oh thank God.

ALICE ENTERS FROM FRASIER'S ROOM

ALICE

Why hasn't anyone been to look for me?

FRASIER

Alice! Oh it's so good to see you. Where's Uncle Niles?

FRASIER RUSHES OVER TO ALICE AND PICKS HER UP AND HUGS HER. NILES ENTERS PULLING THE LITTLE GIRL BY THE HAND

NILES

Here we are. Look who I found.

FRASIER, MARTIN AND DAPHNE ALL STOP AND STARE AT NILES

MARTIN

Niles, who's that?

NILES

And to think we sent you out to look for her and you don't even know what she looks like. It's Alice.

DAPHNE

Niles, that's not Alice.

NILES

Yes it is.

FRASIER

No this is Alice.

NILES

Then who's this?

GIRL

I want my mommy.

MARTIN

Oh my God Niles!

NILES

I'm sorry I thought this was Alice. Don't look at me like that! It's an easy mistake to make under the circumstances.

DAPHNE

Oh my God you're going to have lost our child and confused it with a stray cat before we even reach the hospital parking lot.

NILES

So what does this mean?

FRASIER

You've kidnapped a little girl that's what it means.

NILES

What do I do now?

MARTIN

Plead insanity?

DAPHNE

Just go back to where you found him and explain the situation as best you can.

NILES

I may not know the difference between one child and another but at least I know she's a girl.

DAPHNE

That's because I was talking to her.

THE LITTLE GIRL TAKES NILES BY THE HAND AND LEADS HIM TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR

GIRL

Come on I'll take you back.

NILES AND THE LITTLE GIRL EXIT AS MARTIN SHAKES HIS HEAD AT THEM

FRASIER

Alice you scared us.

ALICE

I was playing hide and seek the videotape with Uncle Niles but he didn't come and look for me.

DAPHNE

All this because of that tape?

FRASIER

Well the most important thing is that we've found you now.

MARTIN

And even more importantly let's not tell you mother about this.

FRASIER

Good idea. Let's keep it a secret.

SFX: PHONE RINGING

ALICE

Okay.

DAPHNE CROSSES TO ANSWER THE PHONE

FRASIER

She'll never find out.

DAPHNE

(ON PHONE) Hello?

DAPHNE SUDDENLY PULLS THE PHONE AWAY FROM HER EAR

FRASIER

That's Roz isn't it?

DAPHNE

Yes it is.

FRASIER

She knows doesn't she?

DAPHNE

Yes she does.

FRASIER

Someone please shoot me now.

AS FRASIER TAKES THE PHONE OFF DAPHNE WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

CLOSING CREDITS: NILES STANDS IN THE PARKING LOT LOST AGAIN, PACING UP AND DOWN TALKING ON HIS CELL PHONE. AFTER A MOMENT DAPHNE ENTERS FROM A SIDE DOOR TALKING ON THEIR PHONE. WHEN THEY SEE ONE ANOTHER THEY BOTH HANG UP AND NILES RUSHES TO DAPHNE HUGGING HER. DAPHNE TAKES HIS HAND AND LEADS HIM BACK UP TO THE APARTMENT AGAIN