I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Grub Street Productions and Paramount Pictures.
Thank you to Jodie for reading through this once and to the two people who sent me feedback last time. Any comments would be appreciated so send them to kelly_simba@hotmail.com. Even if you just e-mail me to say, "ooh look there's a bird in the garden", I don't mind.
Enjoy...
Alternative Season Nine Episode Twenty-Three
Invasion of the Party Snatchers
By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)
ACT ONE(A)
TITLE CARD: "BUT THEY CAN CRY IF THEY WANT TO"
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — LATE MORNING — DAY — DAY/1
(Roz, Daphne, Waiter, Niles, Frasier, Waiter #2)
ROZ AND DAPHNE SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF NERVOSA IN MID CONVERSATION. DAPHNE, WHO HAS HER BACK TO THE DOOR, IS DRINKING A GLASS OF ORANGE JUICE, WHILE ROZ, SITTING OPPOSITE HAS A CUP OF COFFEE
ROZ
Have you seen the new waiter?
DAPHNE
I don't think so. What does he look like?
ROZ
Only like the most beautiful human specimen you will ever see in your entire life. When I saw him I gasped. I mean literally gasped. I'm shocked he's not been sculpted out of marble. He's so perfect that when God made him, he broke the mould. Honestly he's so pretty I just want to devour him whole.
DAPHNE
So I'm guessing that he might be quite good looking then? Once again you're being just a tad too subtle Roz.
DAPHNE INDICATES TOWARDS A WAITER BY THE COUNTER
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Is that him over there?
ROZ
Who? Frowning guy or Third nipple guy?
DAPHNE
Okay I know who Frowning guy is, although if he carries on like this he might soon be know as Constantly Looking Constipated Guy, but which one is third nipple guy?
ROZ
That guy over there drinking the left over coffee from that table. Oh my God that's disgusting. That guy sitting there had an open sore on his lip.
DAPHNE
I still don't see him.
ROZ
Over there. The one whose face is so flat it's like he's been hit repeatedly with a swing door. But it doesn't matter, that's not him.
DAPHNE
Then which...(THINKS) wait a second. I just thought of something. How do you know he has a third nipple? Roz? It's not like you'd know about it because it's on his forehead or he took an ad out in the newspaper.
ROZ
(OBVIOUSLY LYING) Erm...he just has that shifty look about him. You know like he has something odd to hide.
DAPHNE
Well I've always thought that too. But I always thought he was the kind of guy to be hiding a bunch of decapitated squirrels in the trunk of his car. Along with his bound and gagged semi naked mother smeared in meat paste. But that still doesn't explain how you know he has a third nipple.
ROZ
Well isn't it obvious? You can see it through his shirt. When the wind blows in the right direction it gets so big it's like a little lighthouse. (PAUSES) Only it doesn't flash. (CRUMBLING) Oh all right fine, we may have had a thing. Are you happy now?
DAPHNE
No not really. I'm never going to be able to order from him again now knowing that's looking at me through the gap in his shirt. It's a bit cruel calling him Third Nipple Guy though isn't it?
ROZ
His real name is Dwayne.
DAPHNE
Ah well suddenly Third Nipple Guy sounds really quite friendly considering what his parents inflicted him with.
ROZ
No parent can say hand on heart that they love their child when they give them such an awful name. It makes you wonder how the other kids didn't beat him to death with a stick after showering in gym class in school.
A WAITER ENTERS FROM THE DOORWAY BEHIND THE COUNTER. ROZ SEES HIM ALMOST IMMEDIATELY
ROZ (CONT'D)
Oh great here he is. Standing behind the counter.
ROZ STOPS DRINKING HER COFFEE IN MID SIP AND GOES OFF INTO A DAY DREAM BUT WHILE STILL HOLDING HER CUP TO HER MOUTH
ROZ (CONT'D)
Is it just me or is it getting hot in here?
DAPHNE
You're holding your coffee too close to your face.
ROZ PUTS HER CUP DOWN BUT STILL CONTINUES TO STARE AT THE WAITER
ROZ
Oh my God.
DAPHNE
He's good looking Roz but I wouldn't call him an "oh my God."
ROZ
Well you would say that, you're used to Niles for God's sake.
THE WAITER COMES FROM BEHIND THE COUNTER AND GOES TO WALK PAST ROZ AND DAPHNE'S TABLE
ROZ (CONT'D)
Oh wait look at this I'll change your mind.
JUST AS THE WAITER GOES TO PASS THE TABLE ROZ DROPS HER SPOON ON THE FLOOR
ROZ (CONT'D)
Oops.
THE WAITER BENDS DOWN GIVING ROZ AND DAPHNE A CLEAR VIEW OF HIS REAR END AND PICKS UP THE SPOON BEFORE PUTTING IT BACK ON THE TABLE
WAITER
Here you go ma'am.
ROZ
Thank you.
THE WAITER MOVES OFF TO CLEAR A TABLE
DAPHNE
Wow, they're like a couple of cherry tomatos.
ROZ
And I just really want to bite them.
DAPHNE
Well I wouldn't advise it unless you fancy being strip-searched by some large loafer wearing female warden at a women's prison.
ROZ
Oh fine. You spoil all my fun. I've dropped my spoon four times already today and he still keeps right on clenching, bending down and picking it up. So if I did bite them I wouldn't be totally to blame. He keeps provoking me.
DAPHNE
I can see your point but I'm not sure a judge would.
ROZ
I don't know if he's just stupid or a real gentleman. Personally I don't mind which. They both have their advantages. (THEN) So two weeks before the wedding you must be getting pretty excited.
DAPHNE
About finally getting married yes I am but as for having the Manchester sector of Alcoholics Anonymous inflicted on the city and making my life a living hell, I wake up in violent cold sweats about it. Niles has taken to sleeping on the floor because he's getting scared of me. Last week I accidentally split his lip with my pillow while I dreamt about stuffing it down Simon's throat.
ROZ
You have such a loving family. When's your bridal shower?
DAPHNE
I'm not having one.
ROZ
What do you mean you're not having one? You have to have one. It's a rule. A wedding tradition. Like having a minister who sweats so much you have to wear a life preserver to float out the church door.
DAPHNE
All ministers do that. If they didn't they'd explode.
ROZ
A bridal shower is as traditional as everyone getting so drunk they go partially blind and have no memory of how much they embarrassed themselves the night before. It's as traditional as the maid of honour sleeping with the best man.
DAPHNE
You do realise Dr. Crane is Niles' best man?
ROZ
Well some rules are made to be broken except the bridal shower.
DAPHNE
It would be nice to have an old-fashioned hen night.
ROZ
Oh this'll be great! I'll organise everything. We'll have lots of party games, strippers dressed in tiny thongs and alcohol.
DAPHNE INDICATES HER STOMACH
DAPHNE
Erm...aren't you forgetting something?
FRASIER AND NILES ENTER AND APPROACH THE TABLE
ROZ
That doesn't stop me from drinking and hitting on the stripper.
NILES
I don't believe even being confined to a retirement home, put on sedatives and strapped to your bed would stop you from that Roz. I'm not even sure death would stop you.
DAPHNE
Hello cheeky.
NILES AND DAPHNE KISS BEFORE BOTH AND HE AND FRASIER SIT DOWN. WAITER #2 APPROACHES THE TABLE TO TAKE THE ORDER AS ROZ HIDES HER FACE FROM HIM
FRASIER
A latte and a bottled water when you're ready please. What's all this about a stripper?
WAITER #2 MOVES BEHIND THE COUNTER AS ROZ UNCOVERS HER FACE
ROZ
I'm throwing Daphne a bridal shower. And what is a bridal shower without at least one beautifully glistening and gyrating stripper in a pair of hot pants?
NILES SUDDENLY STARTS TO COUGH VIOLENTLY
ROZ (CONT'D)
What's wrong with you?
NILES
Excuse me I think I may have swallowed my tongue. A stripper?
ROZ
Oh don't worry about it Niles nothing will happen we're not allowed to touch them. On the other hand they can touch us as much as they like.
FRASIER
(TO NILES) That's a first. I've never seen you go quite that pale before.
DAPHNE
Oh honey please don't worry about it. Firstly I haven't even said yes to the party yet and secondly if I do say yes there will not be any strippers within a hundred-metre radius of me. I promise.
NILES
Okay.
ROZ
(SOTTO TO DAPHNE) You're lying right?
DAPHNE
Of course. (TO NILES) No I'm not.
WAITER #2 GOES TO APPROACH THE TABLE AGAIN CARRYING THEIR ORDER AS ROZ HIDES HER FACE FROM HIM AGAIN
ROZ
Okay here comes the guy. Take a look at his shirt but don't stare directly at it. We don't know what sort of powers it might have.
DAPHNE
You mean like mind control?
ROZ
Well you never know. Stranger things have happened.
NILES
What are you two talking about?
WAITER #2 PLACES THE DRINKS ON THE TABLE BEFORE GOING BACK TO THE COUNTER. NILES STARES RATHER SHOCKED AFTER HIM
FRASIER
Thank you.
NILES
That man has a third nipple sticking out of his shirt. Shouldn't that be classed as indecent exposure? Or at least inbred Carnival folk behaviour?
DAPHNE
I think it winked at you.
FRASIER
And just when you thought this morning couldn't possibly get any stranger a third nipple appears out of nowhere. So when is this proposed bridal shower so I can clear my diary?
DAPHNE
Which may I add I haven't agreed to yet.
ROZ
Oh you're not invited.
FRASIER
Why not?
ROZ
It's girls only.
DAPHNE
Exactly so why can't they come?
NILES
I'm not invited?
DAPHNE
(TO ROZ) Do we have to have an all girls night? I'd much rather have an evening that we both can enjoy. We could all go out for dinner.
ROZ
Or even better we could all stay at home, soak our feet in warm water and knit woolly hats for the winter. For God's sake you two it's only for a few hours! You're not joined at the hip. You are allowed to spend one evening apart. And Niles there's nothing to stop you from having a bachelor party on the same night. Isn't there some sort of Mongolian film festival you could get all your wine club crony's together for and have a wild discussion about?
FRASIER
And you think that's our idea of a good time?
ROZ
No I don't believe you know how to have a good time.
FRASIER
Thank you Roz but I'll have you know we know how to have a good time. And just to prove it to you I'm going to throw Niles a bachelor party to end all bachelor parties. It will be so downright dirty that the FBI will stakeout the apartment and put us on the ten most wanted list. It will be studied for the rest of time as the greatest bachelor party of all time.
DAPHNE
You're going to sit around discussing the world's greatest thinkers aren't you?
FRASIER
Probably.
NILES
Actually Frasier as much as I appreciate the offer I'd rather just spend the evening with Daphne.
DAPHNE
I'll second that.
ROZ
You two don't get a say in this.
NILES
But they're our parties.
FRASIER
And you think that gives you some say as to what goes on? What world do you live in?
AS NILES AND DAPHNE LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SIGH WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
FADE IN:
INT. CATERERS — AFTERNOON — DAY — DAY/2
(Frasier, Roz, Martin, Clerk)
FRASIER, ROZ AND MARTIN ENTER INTO A VERY EXCLUSIVE LOOKING CATERERS. THE PLACE IS BEAUTIFULLY DECORATED AND WHILE FRASIER LOOKS AROUND IN ORE MARTIN AND ROZ LOOK A LITTLE OUT OF PLACE
FRASIER
Oh how very chic. Look at the marbled floor it's exquisite.
ROZ
In other words really expensive. I refuse to spend more money then what I spent on my car. I don't want to have to sell a kidney to pay for this shower you know Frasier because I'm still using both of them.
FRASIER
Would it hurt you to have one elegant evening out?
ROZ
No it wouldn't, but keep up that attitude and it'll hurt you.
MARTIN
This place is cleaner then the hospital. Are you sure that we shouldn't have walked through a pool of disinfectant before we came in here?
ROZ
Don't you mean bathe?
FRASIER
Look at the alcove. It's put one in mind of the Tate Modern.
ROZ
It also puts one in mind that they might want a blood and urine sample and a copy of our family trees before they'll serve us.
FRASIER
Oh stop being so elitist.
ROZ
How does that make me elitist?
FRASIER
You have a phobia of the elite class.
MARTIN
Exactly why did I have to come to this thing anyway? The game was on and I had a beer with my name on it. I can hear it calling me.
FRASIER
You're the one that wanted to come to the grocery store.
MARTIN
Yes but I only wanted some pork rinds. I didn't realise that after that I'd be herded into the back seat of the car like a beast, kidnapped and dragged here against my will.
FRASIER
Firstly you got in the back seat of the car under your own free will so it's hardly kidnapping. Secondly you're only in a store to order party food not in a dungeon forced to lick slime off a rock as your only meal for the rest of your life.
MARTIN
How long is this going to take?
FRASIER
The sooner you stop whining at me the sooner I'll be able to order and get the hell out of here.
A CLERK ENTERS FROM BEHIND A COUNTER AND APPROACHES FRASIER
CLERK
Hello, can I help you?
ROZ
Yes we'd like to order some food please.
CLERK
Take a seat. What's the occasion?
THE CLERK MOVES TOWARDS A TABLE AND CHAIRS IN THE RIGHT HAND SIDE AND SITS DOWN WITH FRASIER, ROZ AND MARTIN DOING THE SAME. THE TABLE IS COVERED WITH BROCHURES. THE CLERK TAKES OUT AN ORDER PAD
FRASIER
It's for a bridal shower and a bachelor party.
CLERK
Oh very nice. Am I to understand then that you would make you the best man and the maid of honour?
MARTIN
Yeah and I'm the annoyed old man with a cane who wants to go home and have a beer. Can we get on with this please?
CLERK
Okay. Speed is of the essence I see. We have several packages available at several price ranges. Here is a copy of our brochure.
THE CLERK HANDS ALL THREE OF THEM A COPY OF THE BROCHURE THAT THEY STARTS TO FLICK THROUGH
MARTIN
What the hell kind of funky meat is that in meal package three? It looks like Eddie's dog food.
FRASIER
It's a type of pheasant prepared in...
MARTIN
Okay enough said. If you ask me if it doesn't come in the shape of a stick it's not party food.
FRASIER
Yes thank you Dad. It's precisely that kind of inept thinking that has resulted in fondue. My goodness duck à l'orange!
ROZ
You can't have duck à l'orange at a bachelor party.
FRASIER
Why not?
ROZ
Because this is supposed to be a bachelor party not a dinner party for an elderly Duchess. What's next? As entertainment are you going to have a wine tasting and a woman playing the harp? You're one step away from throwing a wake. You should be getting Niles drunk, taking him to Ohio, strip him naked and handcuff him to a street light along with a goat and a 'Just Married' sign.
FRASIER
Is it such a crime to want a hint of sophistication?
MARTIN
No but it's a crime to separate me from football.
FRASIER
All right Dad.
ROZ
I think I might opt for the bar-be-cue platter and finger foods.
FRASIER
Why stop there? Why don't you serve it out of a giant trough of chilli and garnish it with a couple of dead cats and a highly infectious fungal infection? You could have an illiterate boy playing the banjo and a slack jawed Hillbilly playing some spoons to serenade you while you eat.
ROZ
Fine. I knew I should have done this on my own.
MARTIN
You'd pay seventy-five bucks a head for duck?! Are you crazy? I'd go out to the lake by the woods for a week and shoot them for less then that.
FRASIER
Then good luck and off you go. But don't say I haven't warned you before about angry bears. And with your cane I doubt you'll be able to outrun them.
MARTIN
I don't know why you won't let McGinty's cater. They'd do you a great deal and the special is an onion loaf the size of your head.
FRASIER
Dad if you're going to ask and answer your own questions what do you need me for?
CLERK
Then might I recommend to you the option four mid range package? You'll get the best of both worlds.
FRASIER
Duck fingers and crab puffs? Huh. I suppose that would be acceptable under the circumstances.
ROZ
Fine.
CLERK
And how many shall we cater for?
FRASIER
Roughly twenty-five people.
ROZ
Yeah I'll say twenty-five.
THE CLERK WRITES DOWN THIS INFORMATION
CLERK
Okay now beverages.
ROZ
Can I give you a tip? No wine that costs more then my building.
FRASIER
Okay. May I suggest nothing described just as alcohol and was probably distilled in a bathtub by a group of teenagers?
ROZ
Fine.
CLERK
So the mid range then?
MARTIN
Does that include plenty of beer?
CLERK
Yes.
MARTIN
I was just checking.
CLERK
We also do a range of balloons and banners for all occasions.
THE CLERK HANDS FRASIER ANOTHER BROCHURE
FRASIER
Wonderful. Let me see the brochure. No, too garish. I really don't like purple. No. No. No. I think not. A selection for the blind maybe? I'm not really keen on caricatures.
ROZ
This may take a while.
MARTIN
I was thinking have Niles and Daphne actually agreed to either party yet?
ROZ
Not yet, but they will.
FRASIER
Honestly Dad do you have to over think absolutely everything?
AS FRASIER CONTINUES TO FLICK THROUGH THE BROCHURE AND MARTIN LOOKS INCREASINGLY ANNOYED WE:
FADE OUT
(C)
TITLE CARD: "IT'S THE SEQUEL TO GOODBYE MR. CHIPS"
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — NIGHT — DAY/3
(Martin, Frasier, Roz, Allison, Daphne, Niles, Deliveryman)
FRASIER PACES BY THE FRONT DOOR AS ROZ SITS ON THE COUCH AND MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR
MARTIN
Shouldn't you be setting up downstairs by now?
FRASIER
We're still waiting for the food to arrive. Stupidly enough when they said that they'd be here between nine and noon, I believed them. Well I simply will not stand for this treatment. What kind of service is this? They will not hear the end of this debacle. I shall now take matters into my own hands.
ROZ
You do know it's illegal to strangle the deliveryman right?
FRASIER
But it's perfectly legal to deny him a tip and give him a stern lecture he'll never forget.
MARTIN
Jeez will your reign of terror ever end? For the love of God, think of the children.
FRASIER
That's very amusing.
ROZ
So what exactly have you got planned for this evening?
FRASIER
Why? Are you afraid that mine is going to be the better party?
ROZ
If that happens I'll be more afraid that the world has ended. I was just curios about what you had planned. Something wild and rowdy? Watching a monster truck rally? Porn?
FRASIER
Actually if you must know we're going to get a little drunk, sit around and talk about sex.
ROZ
Really?
FRASIER
Oh yeah. All night long.
ALLISON ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH A BOTTLE OF WATER AND SITS NEXT TO ROZ ON THE COUCH
ALLISON
Don't let him fool you. He's got a copy of Madama Butterfly on video and a crate of wine to have a blind taste off.
FRASIER
Thank you Allison.
ROZ
Ooh it sounds like a real riot. I guess that means you'll be late coming into work tomorrow oh master party planner?
MARTIN
Do I really have to go to this thing?
FRASIER
Yes you do Dad. This is Niles' bachelor party. And since Maris threatened him with a shotgun if he had one the first time he got married and the less said about the Mel saga the better, we have to make this one special.
MARTIN
Then can't I go to the bridal shower instead?
FRASIER
Why would you want to do that?
MARTIN
Well for starters a video of insane butterflies and obscenely wealthy men spitting wine around the room. I didn't do that as a kid. And at least I won't get shot there if I don't use a napkin.
FRASIER
Which is precisely the reason that we're having it downstairs in the rec room rather then up here. That way when the farm animals run about the room and the hilarity begins they won't destroy my carpet.
ROZ
Farm animals? The chickens won't be alive when they arrive you know Frasier.
DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM AND STANDS BY THE ISLAND PUTTING IN A PAIR OF EAR RINGS
FRASIER
Are you so convinced that I don't know how to show Niles a good time on his last night of freedom?
DAPHNE
Last night of freedom? That's nice. Do you think I'm going to chain him to the kitchen sink and only let him out for public holidays?
ROZ
No I know you can't do this Frasier. The last time you tried, you got yourself handcuffed to a stripper. Remember?
ALLISON
What? I never heard this story.
SFX: DOORBELL
FRASIER
And you're not going to now.
FRASIER CROSSES AND ANSWERS THE DOOR. NILES ENTERS
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Hello Niles.
ROZ SUDDENLY SPRINGS TO HER FEET CAUSING NILES TO FREEZE TO THE LEFT HAND SIDE OF THE COUCH
ROZ
Oh my God Daphne go back to your room. Quick!
DAPHNE
Why?
ROZ
You're not supposed to see Niles.
NILES
Traditionally that's before the wedding not before the bridal shower Roz.
FRASIER
But it still applies tonight.
NILES
Why?
FRASIER
Because this is going to be a Daphne free evening Niles and that starts right now.
DAPHNE
You make me sound like a fungal disease.
ROZ
That's right. And you won't be having fun if you're together.
DAPHNE
Since I'm now pregnant I think we've already proved that little theory wrong.
NILES
And remind us again who the guests of honours are?
FRASIER
Granted but even so that doesn't make you the centre of the universe Niles.
NILES
I'm still waiting for a valid reason.
ROZ
Because we say so that's why. There is that valid enough for you? Niles turn around.
NILES
But...
FRASIER
Niles!
NILES
But...
ROZ
Turn around!
NILES
Oh fine. If it'll make you happy.
NILES RATHER RELUCTANTLY TURNS AROUND TO FACE THE FRONT DOOR
ALLISON
Now what's this about a stripper?
FRASIER
Erm...nothing.
SFX: DOORBELL
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Ah-ha.
ALLISON
Saved by the bell. For now. But don't worry I won't forget.
FRASIER SMILES WEAKLY AT ALLISON
ROZ
And if she does I'll remind her.
FRASIER GLARES AT ROZ BEFORE OPENING THE DOOR. A DELIVERYMAN ENTERS PUSHING A SMALL CART WITH THREE BOXES ON IT
DELIVERYMAN
I have a delivery for Crane and Doyle.
FRASIER
Come this way. Where's the rest of it? Is this it?
THE DELIVERYMAN STARTS TO UNLOAD THE CART
DELIVERYMAN
Yes.
ROZ
There should be two orders of everything. There are two parties.
DELIVERYMAN
I only have one order on the sheet for twenty-five people.
ROZ
There should be two orders for twenty-five.
DELIVERYMAN
That's all I've got.
FRASIER
That's it! There's definitely no tip now! Say good-bye to Mr. Washington!
AS FRASIER LEADS THE DELIVERYMAN TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO(D)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — NIGHT — DAY/3
(Frasier, Martin, Roz, Daphne, Niles, Allison)
FRASIER STANDS BY THE ISLAND TALKING ON THE PHONE AS ROZ STANDS GUARD OVER THE BOXES BEHIND THE CONSOLE. MARTIN AND ALLISON STAND WITH ROZ LOOKING AT THE LABELS ON THE BOXES. NILES REMAINS AS BEFORE FACING THE DOOR, AS DOES DAPHNE STANDING BY FRASIER
FRASIER
(ON PHONE) Uh-huh. I see. Interesting. Yes thank you.
FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE
MARTIN
So what's going on?
FRASIER
Incompetency is spreading throughout Seattle like a bush fire. Apparently since we ordered the same thing at the same time, they put their two IQ points together and assumed that we were holding a joint party. To cut a long story short, this is it.
ROZ PICKS UP A BOTTLE OF WINE FROM ONE OF THE BOXES AND HOLDS IT TIGHTLY TO HER CHEST
ROZ
This is it? This isn't enough. What do we do now?
DAPHNE
Well cling to a bottle of wine like a life preserver seems to be your answer.
NILES SLOWLY STARTS TO TURN AROUND UNNOTICED BY EVERYONE ELSE
FRASIER
I asked the same question. All I got from them was a childish response laced with sarcasm.
DAPHNE
Which was?
FRASIER
Share. I mean what am I? Barney the dinosaur?
NILES
This is an easy enough problem to solve. There's enough food here for both parties. Just split everything in two.
FRASIER
And just who told you to turn around mister?
NILES TURNS AROUND TO FACE THE FRONT DOOR AGAIN
ROZ
Okay we can work this out there's no need to panic. Let's toss a coin to see who gets what.
ALLISON
That's not fair. You might win all the time and get it all and Frasier could be left with nothing.
ROZ
Whose side are you on Allison? You're coming to my party not his.
DAPHNE
Don't you mean my party?
ROZ
Whatever.
MARTIN
If you ask me there's only one way to settle this fairly.
ROZ
Well okay but I have to warn you, I fight hard and I fight dirty.
ROZ PUTS HER FISTS UP AND MOVES THREATENINGLY TOWARDS FRASIER
FRASIER
Now Roz...
ROZ
And no hair pulling or scratching, I know what a girl you are. I don't want to go into work looking like I've been mauled by a cat. But fish hooking is perfectly legal.
FRASIER
Excuse me? Fish hooking?
ROZ
On the count of three. One, two, three.
ROZ STARTS TO LUNGE TOWARDS FRASIER BUT HE PUTS HIS HAND UP TO STOP HER
FRASIER
Stop! That's not what he meant. Was it?
MARTIN
Well...(THINKS) I was talking about a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors.
NILES
Isn't that a little childish? Like making me face the wall for absolutely no reason?
ROZ
He's right that's no way to settle it. I guess that means only one thing. On the count of three.
ROZ PUTS HER FISTS UP AGAIN
FRASIER
I am not fighting you Roz.
ROZ
Oh don't be such a girl. I won't hurt you.
FRASIER
That clenched fist suggests otherwise.
ALLISON
That's enough both of you! Now it's a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors and let's try to behave like adults. Now can we at least take a look to see what we've got before the battle commences? There is no point shedding blood over half a water cracker.
FRASIER
Okay. Help me bring these boxes into the kitchen.
FRASIER, ROZ AND ALLISON ALL PICK UP A BOX AND EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN. MARTIN FOLLOWS THEM SHAKING HIS HEAD.
A BEAT
DAPHNE CHECKS TO SEE THAT THEY ARE ALL BUSY IN THE KITCHEN BEFORE SLOWLY CREEPING UP BEHIND NILES, PUTTING HER ARMS AROUND HIM AND KISSING THE BACK OF HIS NECK
NILES
(JOKING) Oh come on Allison, I've told you hundreds of times before, I don't think either Daphne or Frasier would approve or our torrid affair so we should stop before it gets out of hand.
DAPHNE SMACKS HIS ARM PLAYFULLY BEFORE HUGGING HIM AGAIN
DAPHNE
Hey! It's a good job I know that you're joking.
FRASIER
(FROM THE KITCHEN) That's not fair! I wasn't ready!
DAPHNE TURNS AROUND TO SEE IF THEY ARE COMING BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM BEFORE TURNING HER ATTENTION BACK TO NILES
DAPHNE
You could turn around you know.
NILES
And risk the wrath of the party planner? I would like to live long enough to see our child be born.
DAPHNE
You can't be scared of your brother.
NILES
I was talking about Roz. She has that look of a psychopath about her that puts a chill down my spine.
DAPHNE
Then I have an even better idea. Why don't we just sneak out and spend the evening at your place instead? I'm sure neither of them will miss us.
NILES
That idea does arouse certain possibilities.
DAPHNE
I've noticed.
NILES TURNS AROUND AND TAKES DAPHNE'S HAND
NILES
Okay but we have to be quick or they'll see us.
AS THEY GO TO MOVE TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR ALLISON ENTERS CARRYING TWO OF THE BOXES CAUSES THEM BOTH TO FREEZE IN THEIR TRACKS. ROZ FOLLOWS CARRYING THE OTHER BOX. ON SEEING ROZ DAPHNE STARTS TO MOVE BACK TOWARDS THE ISLAND
ROZ
Yes! That's a piece of paper! I win! We have the wine. Daphne what were you doing over there?
DAPHNE
Nothing.
FRASIER ENTERS HOLDING A LITTLE TUB OF CRACKER DIP FOLLOWED BY MARTIN CARRYING A BANNER
FRASIER
That's not fair! I wasn't paying attention. That wasn't a rock anyway that was a pair of scissors! That wine should be mine.
ROZ
A pair of scissors the shape of a clenched fist?
FRASIER
Yes. Early Chinese wicker scissors. They're more common these days then you'd think.
MARTIN
So is insanity at an early age.
ROZ
Excuse me?
FRASIER
Oh all right fine but I didn't fully understand the rules of the game. I've never played before. That was just a series of practice rounds to warm up.
ROZ
Too late. You loose. Bye-bye.
MARTIN
What do we do about the banner? There's only one.
FRASIER
Just take half of it.
MARTIN TARES THE BANNER INTO TWO AND GIVES ONE PIECE TO ROZ WHO THEN MOVES TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Where are you going? This isn't the end of it. I demand a rematch!
ROZ
I would Frasier but I've got my hands full carrying all this food and wine. Sorry. Daphne, Allison come on.
ALLISON EXITS OUT THE FRONT DOOR AS ROZ WAITS FOR DAPHNE. AS DAPHNE PASSES NILES SHE GOES TO KISS HIM
DAPHNE
I'll see you later.
ROZ
Oh no you don't.
ROZ PULLS DAPHNE AWAY FROM NILES BEFORE THEY CAN MAKE CONTACT BEFORE MAKING HER EXIT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR
ROZ (CONT'D)
Have fun boys. Enjoy your water and cracker dip.
ROZ EXITS SHUTTING THE DOOR BEHIND HER BEFORE FRASIER SLUMPS DOWN ON THE COUCH
FRASIER
Well that's it my party is ruined.
NILES
Don't you mean my party?
FRASIER
Does everything have to be about you Niles?
AS NILES PATS FRASIER'S SHOULDER IN SYMPATHY WE:
FADE OUT
(E)
FADE IN:
INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS RECREATION ROOM — EVENING — NIGHT — DAY/3
(Frasier, Niles, Martin, Reynolds, Roz, Megan, Daphne, Allison, Stripper, Party
Guests)
IN THE REC ROOM THE FOOD TABLE IS NOTICEABLY BARE WITH ONLY THE CRACKER DIP AND GLASSES OF WATER ON THERE. THERE ARE SEVERAL PARTY GUESTS THERE MILLING AROUND AND TALKING. IN THE FOUR CORNERS OF THE ROOM THERE ARE SOME BALLOONS AND SOME PARTY GAMES ON THE FAR RIGHT HAND SIDE OF THE ROOM DIRECTLY OPPOSITE THE DOOR. FRASIER SITS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM WITH HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS AS NILES STANDS OVER HIM AND MARTIN TRIES IN VAIN TO PUT THE BANNER UP
FRASIER
This party is a disaster.
NILES
Oh it's not so bad. It's just started a little slowly. Don't worry you always throw a good party. Look Chester Highgrove seems to be having a good time.
FRASIER
He's been asleep since he got here Niles. I've had to put a cup underneath his chin to catch the drool. I'm not completely sure he hasn't lapsed into a small coma.
NILES
(TRYING TO SOUND OPTIMISTIC) The mushroom dip at least makes the water taste a little better.
FRASIER
And why is no one playing the games I've prepared?
NILES
As much as your enthusiasm is to be applauded Frasier, I really don't think you thought through the 'pin the tail on the naked lady' game. It makes me wonder how many women you've dated that actually have tails.
FRASIER LOOKS UP AT NILES RATHER SADLY
NILES (CONT'D)
Oh fine I'll go and play it.
NILES MOVES OVER TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM AS FRASIER TURNS TO SEE MARTIN FINISHING PUTTING THE BANNER ON THE WALL. THE BANNER READS "ULATIONS" CAUSING FRASIER TO WALK OVER TO MARTIN
FRASIER
Dad what are you doing? What is this?
MARTIN
It's the sign.
FRASIER
And this is the best you could do?
MARTIN
You just told me to grab half of the banner. So I did. You didn't say which half oh lord and master.
FRASIER
Well I'd assume you'd get the half that makes sense.
MARTIN
It makes sense.
FRASIER
"Ulations"? A drunk monkey would make more sense then that.
MARTIN TAKES A PEN OUT OF HIS POCKET AND STARTS TO WRITE SOMETHING AT THE BEGINNING OF THE SIGN. SATISFIED HE STANDS BACK TO ADMIRE IT
MARTIN
Then here. Now it makes perfect sense.
FRASIER
"Congol"? What the hell does "congolulations" mean?
MARTIN
That says "Congrat".
FRASIER
Only in ancient Hebrew Dad.
MARTIN
Fine I'll find something different.
MARTIN EXITS OUT THE DOOR AS NILES APPROACHES FRASIER CARRYING A CARD DONKEY TAIL FROM THE GAME
NILES
"Ulations"?
FRASIER
You have to read closer.
NILES
"Congolulations"?
AT THAT MOMENT, REYNOLDS, WHO HAS BEEN AT THE FOOD TABLE WALKS PAST AND HEARS NILES
REYNOLDS
I didn't know you spoke Hebrew Crane.
AS REYNOLDS MOVES AWAY FRASIER STARTS TO BREATHE FUNNY
NILES
Just take deep breaths.
FRASIER
But my party is ruined.
NILES
My party.
FRASIER
Mine, mine, mine! Honestly Niles could you be more selfish?
RESET TO:
INT. MEGAN'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
THE BRIDAL SHOWER IS BEING HELD AT DAPHNE'S FRIEND, MEGAN'S APARTMENT A FEW FLOORS DOWN FROM FRASIER'S. THE LAYOUT OF THE APARTMENT IS VIRTUALLY THE SAME. IN COMPLETE CONTRAST TO THE PARTY DOWNSTAIRS THE FOOD TABLE IS FULL, THE APARTMENT IS DECORATED FOR THE OCCASION AND THE PARTY GUESTS FILL THE ROOM WITH LAUGHTER. DAPHNE, ALLISON AND MEGAN SNACK ON THE FOOD AS ROZ FUSSES AROUND
ROZ
I should have taken the dip. What's the point of having chips if we've got nothing to dip them in?
MEGAN
They have a nice kick if you dip them in wine.
DAPHNE
Will you calm down? It doesn't matter about the dip. Just enjoy the party.
ROZ
And where is that stripper? He's already twenty minutes late. I should be rubbing him all over with baby oil right now and slipping him my phone number.
DAPHNE
A stripper? I promised Niles that there wouldn't be a stripper. He gets a jealous look in his eye when the grocery store bag boy packs my melons let alone if he finds out we've got a semi naked dancing boy here.
ROZ
Oh what's the big deal? He won't mind. Niles is probably having a pair of bouncing breasts pushed in his face as we speak.
ALLISON
This is Frasier and Niles we're talking about. They're more likely to be singing in Italian and arguing about who was the greatest conductor of the twentieth century.
ROZ
I need dip and I need a stripper.
MEGAN
Don't we all? But Santa never seems to put one of those in your stocking no matter how many times you ask.
AS ROZ MOVES OVER TO THE BALCONY TO SEE IF SHE CAN SEE THE STRIPPER ARRIVING MARTIN ENTERS STICKING HIS HEAD AROUND THE FRONT DOOR
MARTIN
Psst. Allison. Over here.
ALLISON WALKS OVER TO MARTIN
ALLISON
What are you doing up here? Won't Frasier try to put you in a rest home if he finds out you've snuck into Daphne's party?
MARTIN
I'd like to see him try. I'm here to plead with you to give me your half of the banner before the vein in Frasier's forehead explodes.
ALLISON
I should have known that would have driven him mad. Sure we don't really need it.
ALLISON TAKES THE "CONGRATS" PART OF THE BANNER DOWN FROM ABOVE THE FIREPLACE AND GIVES IT TO MARTIN
MARTIN
Thanks.
ALLISON
How about we make this an exchange for the dip.
DAPHNE SEEING MARTIN WALKS OVER TO JOIN HIM AND ALLISON
MARTIN
Okay since we have nothing to dip in it. Meet me in the lobby in five minutes and we'll see what we can do.
MARTIN EXITS AND ALLISON SHUTS THE FRONT DOOR
DAPHNE
And that little rendezvous didn't sound odd at all.
ROZ RUSHES TOWARDS THEM
ROZ
Who was that? Was it the stripper?
ALLISON
It was no one.
ROZ
I heard a man's voice.
DAPHNE
(COVERING) That was Heather. The hormone treatment isn't exactly working as hoped. Her moustache isn't going away and she has the muscles to lift a fully-grown cow over her head.
ROZ
Well there's a party trick for later.
DAPHNE
We could get her to do a set if the stripper doesn't turn up.
ROZ
Where has the sign gone?
ALLISON
Erm...it got torn when Daphne threw the toilet paper bouquet.
DAPHNE
I never was a good aim.
MEGAN
What else did you expect when you put twenty single women in a room and throw a bouquet? It's amazing we haven't had to call the Police in to a fistfight.
ROZ MOVES BACK TOWARDS THE WINDOW
DAPHNE
Let me guess Mr. Crane has it?
ALLISON
It was either that or giving Frasier a small seizure.
RESET TO:
INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS RECREATION ROOM — CONTINUOUS
THE ROOM REMAINS AS BEFORE WITH EVERYONE TRYING TO GET INTO THE PARTY MOOD WITHOUT REALLY SUCCEEDING. FRASIER STANDS OBSERVING EVERYONE AS NILES GETS HIMSELF ANOTHER DRINK
FRASIER
Why aren't you having a good time?
NILES
I am. Honestly.
FRASIER
Well you don't look like it. Try smiling.
NILES SMILES AT FRASIER
NILES
Is that better?
FRASIER
You look like you've got wind.
MARTIN ENTERS CARRYING THE OTHER HALF OF THE BANNER AND TRIES TO PIN IT ON THE WALL IN FRONT OF THE OTHER HALF
NILES
Where did you get that?
MARTIN
The party upstairs.
FRASIER
You stole it from Roz's party?
MARTIN
Daphne's party.
FRASIER
Whatever.
MARTIN
Yes I did. Are you happy now?
FRASIER
So let me just make sure that I've got this right. You went up stairs, snuck into Roz's party...
NILES
Daphne's party.
FRASIER
Whatever. Went undetected and all you stole from there when we have no food or drink was part of a congratulations banner?
MARTIN
That's all you said you wanted.
FRASIER
Granted but I didn't realise you were going to sneak up there. Why didn't you bring us some wine and food at the same time?
MARTIN
I'm an old man with a cane. I couldn't carry anything else.
FRASIER
Oh that's your excuse for everything.
MARTIN
Don't get snippy with me you're the one that lost at a simple game of Rock, Paper, Scissors.
FRASIER
I've already told you I didn't know the rules.
MARTIN
And how sad is that? Fine I'll go and see what I can do.
MARTIN EXITS OUT OF THE DOOR GRABBING THE DIP UNNOTICED AS HE GOES
RESET TO:
INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS LOBBY — CONTINUOUS
MARTIN ENTERS CARRYING THE DIP AS THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN AND ALLISON ENTERS CARRYING TWO BAGS OF CHIPS
ALLISON
I bought you some of the chips.
MARTIN
Thank you. And your dip. It was lovely doing business with you.
THEY BOTH EXCHANGE
ALLISON
Anytime.
AS ALLISON CALLS FOR THE ELEVATOR MARTIN EXITS BACK INTO THE REC ROOM
RESET TO:
INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS RECREATIONS ROOM — CONTINUOUS
THE ROOM REMAINS AS BEFORE AS MARTIN ENTERS WITH THE BAGS OF CHIPS AND PUTS THEM ON THE TABLE
MARTIN
Here you go.
FRASIER
How did you do that so quickly?
NILES
The dips gone. Who on earth would eat that just on it's own?
MARTIN
I traded it for the chips.
FRASIER
But now we have nothing to dip them in.
MARTIN
Well what do you want me to do about it?
FRASIER
Go and steal it back.
MARTIN
I'm not going to go upstairs and steal from them.
FRASIER
You stole the sign! This is no time for double standards.
NILES
You know Frasier as much fun as this is I'm actually thinking about getting an early night.
NILES IS COMPLETELY IGNORED BY FRASIER AND MARTIN
MARTIN
But they weren't going to miss that.
FRASIER
I'm not asking you to steal a limb. Just get a plate of pate and our dip back.
MARTIN
Oh fine. But you're coming with me.
NILES
Is anyone listening to me?
FRASIER
Let's go.
FRASIER AND MARTIN EXIT AS NILES JUST STARES AFTER THEM
RESET TO:
INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS LOBBY — CONTINUOUS
THE STRIPPER DRESSED IN A REVEALING FIREMAN'S UNIFORM STANDS IN THE LOBBY LOOKING AT THE DIRECTORY AS FRASIER AND MARTIN ENTER FROM THE REC ROOM
STRIPPER
Excuse me?
FRASIER
Is there a fire?
STRIPPER
Actually I'm looking for a party. Where do I find apartment 1507? Roz Doyle?
FRASIER
Aren't you the new waiter in Nervosa?
STRIPPER
That's just my day job.
FRASIER
You're a stripper?
THE STRIPPER INDICATES HIS LACK OF BUTTONS OF HIS UNIFORM
STRIPPER
Either that or the budgets been cut on our uniforms. Ha! Yes I am. Can you point me in the right direction please?
FRASIER
Erm...(THINKS) you know what the party has actually been moved to the rec room. Follow me.
THE STRIPPER FOLLOWS FRASIER WHO POINTS HIM INTO THE REC ROOM WITH FRASIER AND MARTIN FOLLOWING CLOSELY BEHIND
MARTIN
What are you doing now?
FRASIER
Making a deal Roz can't refuse.
FRASIER AND MARTIN EXIT INTO THE REC ROOM
RESET TO:
INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS RECREATION ROOM — CONTINUOUS
THE STRIPPER STANDS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM LOOKING CONFUSED AS DOES NILES. FRASIER AND MARTIN ENTER
NILES
Once again Frasier I applaud your enthusiasm but you seem to have confused pate with a fireman. And even I'm not that hungry.
STRIPPER
Okay I think you've dialled the wrong number. I don't do these kind of parties. Not that there's anything wrong with it. But you might want to get Chad or Hank instead.
FRASIER
It's perfectly all right. Take a seat.
FRASIER TAKES HIS CELL PHONE OUT AND DIALS
FRASIER (CONT'D)
This won't take long. (ON PHONE) Hello Roz. How are you enjoying your party? Is the dip nice?
RESET TO:
INT. MEGAN'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
ROZ STANDS BY THE FOOD TABLE WITH HER CELL PHONE PRESSED TO HER EAR. DAPHNE, ALLISON AND MEGAN ALL STAND NEXT TO HER TRYING TO LISTEN
ROZ
Give me back the potato chips Frasier. What's the point of having dip if I've got nothing to dip in it other then a voodoo doll of you. Later if you get the feeling that you're drowning in something flavoured like garlic and onion, you'll know why.
RESET TO:
INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS RECREATION ROOM — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER
It's funny I thought the same thing when all I had at my party was dip. But if I were you Roz, I'd change my tone.
RESET TO:
INT. MEGAN'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
ROZ
And why exactly would I do that?
RESET TO:
INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS RECREATION ROOM — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER
Because I have something else in my possession that you want far more then potato chips.
RESET TO:
INT. MEGAN'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
ROZ
And what would that be?
RESET TO:
INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS RECREATION ROOM — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER
Let's play a game and see if you can guess what it is. How to describe it? Oh I know. It's about six feet five inches, brown hair, brown eyes and wearing a fireman's uniform. Any ideas Roz?
RESET TO:
INT. MEGAN'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
ROZ TURNS TO THE WAITING GROUP IN HORROR
ROZ
Oh my God! Frasier has the stripper!
RESET TO:
INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS RECREATION ROOM — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER
Well done Roz. I was going to give you two more guesses be...
RESET TO:
INT. MEGAN'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
ROZ
Okay cut the chatter and let's get to the point. What do you want?
FRASIER
(THROUGH THE PHONE) A deal.
ROZ
Go on. I'm listening.
RESET TO:
INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS RECREATION ROOM — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER
I want the crate of wine back filled with the wine, not any sort of juice that you might try to sneak in there as well as the crab puffs and any other finger foods that you may have lying around. Plus that voodoo doll would also be appreciated. And in exchange I will give you back the stripper in the condition, which I found him.
RESET TO:
INT. MEGAN'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
ROZ
You do know this is blackmail.
RESET TO:
INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS RECREATION ROOM — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER
Is that a no? Oh well I'm sure there are lots of other women in the city who would like to see him take his clothes off. Okay, bye-bye stripper...
RESET TO:
INT. MEGAN'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
ROZ
I'm coming down. Meet me in the lobby and bring the stripper.
RESET TO:
INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS RECREATION ROOM — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER
As long as you bring the crab puffs.
RESET TO:
INT. MEGAN'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
ROZ
Fine.
ROZ HANGS UP HER PHONE
ALLISON
What's going on? What's he doing with the stripper at Niles' bachelor party?
ROZ
Oh come on it's only a matter of time before they both come out of the closet. Frasier's found him in the lobby and now he's holding him hostage. We have to give him food and wine in exchange.
MEGAN
And that's it?
ROZ
And the voodoo doll.
MEGAN
Then why are we still standing here discussing it when a hunk is waiting to take his clothes off for us?
ROZ
Good point. Okay. Follow me I have a plan.
ROZ, ALLISON AND MEGAN PICK UP AS MUCH FOOD AND WINE AS THEY CAN BEFORE EXITING. DAPHNE JUST STARES AFTER THEM BEFORE EXITING HERSELF
RESET TO:
INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS RECREATION ROOM — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER
And we have a deal.
STRIPPER
What kind of freakish party is this?
FRASIER
If you think this is bad, just wait until you get upstairs. I hope you have life insurance. Come on Dad. This way.
STRIPPER
Wait! What does that mean?
FRASIER
Oh you'll be fine.
MARTIN
You've had a tetanus shot right?
FRASIER LEADS THE STRIPPER OUT AND THEY BOTH EXIT. MARTIN AND NILES RELUCTANTLY FOLLOW THEM OUT
RESET TO:
INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS LOBBY — CONTINUOUS
ROZ, ALLISON AND MEGAN STAND BY THE ELEVATOR IN A LINE HOLDING THE FOOD AND WINE AS FRASIER, THE STRIPPER, MARTIN AND NILES ENTER FROM THE REC ROOM. THE BOYS WAIT BY THE REC ROOM DOOR AND THE WHOLE THING HAS THE FEEL OF A SHOW DOWN AT HIGH NOON AT THE END OF A WESTERN
ROZ
So it's come to this. Blackmail.
FRASIER
If you don't want him I can always take him back.
ROZ
(REALISING) Wait a second you're the waiter from Nervosa!
STRIPPER
The spoon-dropping lady!
ROZ
Oh I want him all right Frasier. I want him real bad.
FRASIER
Then let's exchange. Allison bring the wine and food over here and Dad will bring the stripper over to you. If at anytime you try to touch him in anyway before the switch has been made and or until I'm completely satisfied with the exchange I'll set off the fire alarm, so we have to evacuate the building and then I'll help our fireman friend here make his escape.
ROZ
You've got everything planned out to the last detail haven't you?
FRASIER
You left me no choice. Do we have a deal?
ROZ
Yes.
FRASIER
Okay then.
STRIPPER
No wait, don't make me go over there.
FRASIER
What's the matter?
STRIPPER
I'm afraid. I've seen that woman before. I get the feeling she's about the bite me every time I serve her.
FRASIER
Which woman?
ROZ
Come on, mommy's hungry.
STRIPPER
Do you need any other hints?
FRASIER
Ah I see. The one with the crazed look in her eye. You'll be fine don't worry. Just do everything that she asks and everything will be fine. Okay on the count of three. One, two, three.
VERY SLOWLY MARTIN TAKES THE STRIPPER BY THE ARM AND WALKS HIM TOWARDS ROZ AT THE SAME TIME AS ALLISON AND MEGAN GO TO BRING THE FOOD AND WINE OVER TO FRASIER
ROZ
That's it, this way.
FRASIER
Allison keep walking.
ROZ
Now! Grab the food!
ROZ SUDDENLY LUNGES AT THE STRIPPER AND GRABS HIM WHILE ALLISON AND MEGAN GO BACK TO WHERE THEY STARTED
FRASIER
Dad grab the stripper!
FRASIER GRABS HOLD OF THE STRIPPER'S OTHER ARM WHO IS THEN INVOLVED IN A TUG OF WAR BETWEEN THE TWO AS EVERYONE ELSE TO JUST LOOKS ON NOT WANTING TO REALLY GET INVOLVED
ROZ
Give him to me!
FRASIER
I want that wine!
ROZ
You'll want plastic surgery if you don't let go of him!
NILES
I'm leaving now.
STRIPPER
Help me! I don't want to die this way!
FRASIER
Are you happy now? You've made the stripper cry!
NILES
I'm going.
ROZ
Allison we have to fight dirty. Drink the wine!
AS FRASIER AND ROZ CONTINUE TO HAVE A TUG OF WAR OVER THE STRIPPER, ALLISON, MARTIN AND MEGAN START TO SNACK ON THE FOOD AS THEY WATCH AND NILES GOES TO EXIT INTO THE ELEVATOR AS WE:
FADE OUT
(F)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S BALCONY — EVENING — NIGHT — DAY/3
(Frasier, Roz, Daphne, Niles, Eddie)
DAPHNE STANDS ON THE BALCONY LOOKING OUT OVER THE CITY AS EDDIE SITS AT HER FEET. IN THE BACKGROUND ONE OF MARTIN'S GLEN MILLER CD'S PLAYS QUIETLY BEFORE BEING DROWNED OUT BY SOME VERY LOUD VOICES
FRASIER
(OFF STAGE) I want that wine!
ROZ
(OFF STAGE) Not until you give me back my stripper!
DAPHNE STARES OVER THE EDGE OF THE BALCONY CONFUSED
DAPHNE
What the hell is that all about? So what have you been up to all night young Edward?
EDDIE PICKS UP A BARBIE DOLL AND STARTS TO CHEW IT
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Ah! Well I hope she's of legal age. Even though you're a dog I'm sure it's illegal in every state. Well except Texas. There everything's pretty much legal when it doesn't involve a pumpkin and some jello. It's a beautiful night. The stars are shining. The moon is out. Dr. Crane and Roz seem to be having some sort of street fight. Some strange man is staring at me and shaving his legs on his balcony. Oh my God! Eddie shield your eyes!
NILES ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR
NILES
Daphne?
NILES GOES OUT ONTO THE BALCONY AND KISSES DAPHNE
DAPHNE
Niles! Hello. What are you doing up here? What happened to your bachelor party? I thought your crazy antics were going to keep you busy until the wee small hours of the morning.
NILES
I reached my limit when Frasier and Roz were having a tug of war with the stripper. And I see they've taken it out onto the streets. That's not exactly fair, now Roz has the home field advantage. Why aren't you still at the party?
DAPHNE
Everyone seemed to be having a much better time then I was. I just felt like a little peace and quiet.
NILES
Me too. Besides, the one person that I want to spend the evening with is the one person who wasn't invited.
DAPHNE
Oh come here you smooth talker.
THEY HUG
NILES
Would you care to dance miss?
DAPHNE
I'd love to.
THEY SLOWLY START TO DANCE
NILES
This is a much better way to spend the evening. Under the stars with the woman I love being serenaded by Glen Miller and the piercing screams of Roz and Frasier fighting over a man. A perfect way to spend an evening. Although what is that man doing?
DAPHNE
Don't stare you'll only encourage him.
AS THEY CONTINUE TO DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY TO THE MUSIC AND TO FRASIER AND ROZ'S CONSTANT SHOUTING WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWOCLOSING CREDITS: ROZ AND FRASIER STILL FIGHT OVER THE STRIPPER WHO IS INCREASINGLY LOOKING TIRED AS MARTIN, ALLISON AND MEGAN SIT NEXT TO THE ELEVATOR FALLING ASLEEP. AS THEY CONTINUE TO FIGHT THE BACHELOR PARTY GUESTS SNEAK OUT COMPLETELY UNNOTICED.
