I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.

Okay here it is, the very last one. I've completed two seasons and I'm now officially hanging up my keyboard. But before I depart I just want to thank everyone who has sent me feedback over the course of the season, in no particular order: Jodie Haldeman, Elaine Getchell, Pete Harris, Charlotte Etchells, Vick Pena, Gerry, Sarah, Elizabeth, Diana, Marissa, Megan Traxler, Rosalie Andaya, Mumbles125, Daniela Grech, Lydia Gardner, Beryl Marsh, Olli Ritvanen, Gillian Earthy, Joy, Casey, Carolyn Morrisey, Amanda Baker, Fern Fellowes, Cassandra Adams, Chris Crane, Mystical1735, Sydney, Misti Badgett, Papa Drew, Amanda Ramirez, Brandi, Sarah Snapefan, Heather, Allison, Amy. Thank you very much for your feedback but just because this is the last one doesn't mean you have to stop now, so please send any comments to kelly_simba@hotmail.com

Thank you to Chris for my language lessons.

For my dear Grandad Lewis. You are forever in my thoughts and I know that you are going to get through this. You mean the world to me.

One final thing, if at the end of this you go "What? How?" I suggest you read the final scene from episode 18 Wives And Lovers.

Enjoy...


Frasier
Alternative Season Nine Episode Twenty-Four
Some Unenchanted Evening

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY — DAY/1
(Martin, Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Roz, Eddie)

MARTIN STANDS AND STROKES EDDIE, WHO LIES ON THE COUCH, FROM BEHIND THE CONSOLE AS FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM CARRYING AN OVERNIGHT BAG. FRASIER PLACES THE BAG ON THE FLOOR BY THE ISLAND BEFORE LOOKING THROUGH ANOTHER BAG ON MARTIN'S CHAIR. THERE ARE TWO GARMENT BAGS OVER THE ARM OF THE COUCH

MARTIN

(SORROWFULLY TO EDDIE) Oh don't look at me like that boy. I don't want this to happen. It's not my fault. I've done everything I can for you. Blame Frasier.

FRASIER

Oh for God's sake Dad pull yourself together! He's going to a four star luxury kennel and doggy spa for two nights not facing the electric chair.

MARTIN

Why do we have to take Eddie to a dirty kennel anyway? He'll come back infested with fleas.

FRASIER

Dad Bark Avenue is the most exclusive kennel in town. There's a six-week waiting list. Thank God Cornel Adams' Beagle Snuggles was struck by lighting last week otherwise he wouldn't be going at all. There he'll be treated like a spoiled child. A team of dedicated professionals will cater for his every whim. If I thought for a second they'd take me instead I'd go. And anyway that dog is practically a walking flea circus as it is. You can actually see a little tight rope and a trapeze connected from his head to his tail. If you ask me it's the other dogs that should worry.

MARTIN

Well he could come back with something a lot worse then fleas.

FRASIER

Oh yes he could just come back at all.

MARTIN

If I were you I should watch what I say about him when he's in the same room. Eddie never forgets. He knows where you sleep and his teeth are as sharp as little tiny daggers when they dig into sensitive areas of skin. (THEN) Can't he just stay here?

FRASIER

Alone?

MARTIN

What are you worrying about? He's not going to be throwing any wild parties. He's a dog. There are no doggy orgy's planned for the weekend. He hasn't been handing out invitations down at the dog park to all of his friends. To start with he can't reach the phone to order the personalised stationary and he has trouble holding a corkscrew and a bottle of wine at the same time.

FRASIER

But what about my carpet? Unless I'm mistaken Dad he doesn't actually have a bladder the size of a barrage balloon. Sooner or later he will explode and as much as I'd like to see that happen, I don't particularly want the mess all over my clean carpet.

MARTIN

I told you Mrs. Sugden from across the hall has agreed to stop by and walk him twice a day.

FRASIER

I am not having that woman in my house.

MARTIN

Oh you are such a snob.

FRASIER

Snobbery has nothing to do with it. We're talking about a seventy-year-old woman who has spent the vast majority of her adult life behind bars on various assault and burglary charges.

MARTIN

Don't worry about it that was just a vicious rumour. She was convicted of attempted murder and j-walking not burglary. She's not a thief.

FRASIER

Oh well that takes a load off my mind, thank you so much. Are you forgetting that when she opens her door you can see the welcome mat and several pot plants that went missing from the lobby a few weeks ago? I'm surprised she hasn't kidnapped the doorman to answer her door for her. Hell I'm afraid to stand too near to her in the elevator in case she takes one of my vital organs.

MARTIN

That's just something she picked up on the inside.

FRASIER

Well thank you very much the American legal system. For the last time the answer is no. The case is closed. Just be grateful that I'm taking him to a kennel rather then to the dog pound.

MARTIN

Then can't he come with us? He's got a little tux he could wear during the ceremony.

FRASIER

I'm sure Niles and Daphne don't want a small fur covered colon sent marking the aisle and trying to romance the minister's leg while they're saying their vows. I'm not sure the minister would be too impressed either.

MARTIN

Oh fine. I should just be happy you haven't tied him to a tree with a piece of rope and left him there with a ten-pound bag of dog chow.

MARTIN PICKS UP ONE OF THE GARMENT BAGS AND TAKES OUT HIS SHARK SKIN SUIT

FRASIER

There's still plenty of time yet. To do that to you as well as Eddie. Wait a second. (RE: SUIT) What is that?

MARTIN

What is what?

FRASIER

That...that...thing that you're holding.

MARTIN

It's my suit.

FRASIER

You're not taking that with you.

MARTIN

Of course I am.

FRASIER

No that wasn't a question that was a statement. You are not taking that with you.

MARTIN

Why not?

FRASIER

You already have a suit for tomorrow.

MARTIN

But this one is for the rehearsal dinner tonight. I don't have a date for the wedding and this suit is a sure fire lady-killer.

FRASIER

Only if it was made from the actual shark out of Jaws Dad.

MARTIN

I'm serious. This is the suit I wore when I first asked Sherry out on a date. It's lucky.

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER

Oh dear God. Burn it, burn it now. Just hold it near a naked flame I'm sure it would ignite itself.

FRASIER CROSSES TO ANSWER THE FRONT DOOR AND NILES ENTERS

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Ah and here's the bridegroom. Good morning Niles.

FRASIER AND NILES HUG

NILES

Morning Frasier, Dad...(RE: SUIT) what is that?

MARTIN

My sharkskin suit.

NILES

But why?

MARTIN

But why what?

NILES

Just in general, why? What happened to the suit we bought you? The one that didn't need an emergency appointment with an Exorcist.

MARTIN

This one is for the rehearsal dinner tonight.

FRASIER

Apparently it's lucky. He was wearing it the night he asked Sherry out for the first time. Do you want to beat it out of his hand and hit it with a stick or shall I?

NILES

What?!? Do you want to completely jinx me the day before my wedding? Why don't you just give me a mirror to smash and a black cat to run over? Get that devil-possessed thing away from me now before I start to loose all feeling in my legs.

NILES SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH NEXT TO EDDIE WHO JUMPS UP AND STARTS TO BARK AT MARTIN'S SUIT

FRASIER

See even Eddie's barking at it. And dogs can sense evil.

MARTIN

That's probably why he howls at Lilith. Oh all right fine I'll find another one.

MARTIN EXITS TOWARDS HIS ROOM WITH HIS SUIT AS FRASIER STARTS TO LOOK THROUGH HIS BAG ON MARTIN'S CHAIR

NILES

If he brings out his flannel suit with the large buffet pockets I say we sedate him until it's time to get ready for the ceremony.

FRASIER

Agreed. Well apart from Dad picking out an appropriate suit, which may take some time and possible a bribe, I think we're about ready to leave. So how are you feeling Niles? Nervous?

NILES

(OVER THE TOP) No I'm not nervous. I'm fine. I'm like a rock. Not a nerve in sight. Nervous? Ha! (THEN WITHOUT PAUSING TO BREATH) I ate an entire bag of Oreo's this morning in between stepping out of the shower and actually reaching for a towel without taking a breath. Do you think that means I'm a tiny bit nervous?

FRASIER

(SURPRISED) Oh just a tad. It also means you're acting like an eleven year old girl at her first slumber party.

NILES

Do you think I should start to be concerned over this?

FRASIER

Only if you decide to paint your toenails and then walk up the aisle wearing teddy bear pyjamas before proceeding to beat Daphne about the head with a pillow instead of saying your vows.

NILES

I also have a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach.

FRASIER

Oh they're just butterflies. I had them when I married Lilith. I only wish I'd listen to them now and ran towards the hills screaming for my life.

NILES

Then they must be some sort of giant genetically engineered butterflies. The way they are flying around I feel as sick as a dog.

FRASIER

That may have something to do with the bag of Oreo's.

NILES

No I was feeling like this before then. Even before I ate a bowl of bran flakes and a pizza for breakfast.

FRASIER

You ate a pizza? For breakfast?

NILES

I've already told you I'm nervous. What more do you do you want from me?

FRASIER

I'm sorry Niles I just don't understand why you are feeling this nervous in the first place. What do you think is going to happen? Do you think Daphne's going to jilt you at the alter?

NILES

(PANIC STRICKEN) Oh my God I hadn't even thought of that!

FRASIER RUSHES OVER TO SIT NEXT TO NILES AND PUSHES HIS HEAD BETWEEN HIS LEGS

FRASIER

Just breathe, breathe. Everything will go fine. Don't worry about it. Although if I were you I wouldn't tell Daphne that you're likely to throw up on her shoes that's if you don't eat them first.

NILES BEGINS TO CALM DOWN AND LIFTS HIS HEAD

NILES

A point duly noted.

FRASIER

Would you like a glass of sherry to help settle the nerves?

FRASIER GETS UP AND WALKS TO THE BAR TO POUR A DRINK

NILES

At this point I don't think a glass is going to do it. Try filling Puget Sound full of it and you may get me down to the level of only being so nervous I may wet myself.

FRASIER

In that case then I really don't think you should be sitting on my expensive suede couch.

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER BEDROOM

DAPHNE

Niles! Hello sweetheart. I didn't hear you arrive.

NILES STANDS TO GREET HER AND THEY MEET AT THE ISLAND

NILES

I just got here.

THEY KISS

NILES (CONT'D)

You look beautiful. Are you ready to go?

NILES LEADS DAPHNE TO THE COUCH AND THEY BOTH SIT DOWN

DAPHNE

Nearly. I just have one or two other things to take care of before we go. Like finding some live mice to tempt me mother with.

FRASIER

So how are you feeling today Daphne?

NILES STARTS TO FIDGET IN HIS SEAT WHICH DOESN'T GO UNNOTICED BY DAPHNE

DAPHNE

I must admit I'm feeling a little bit nervous. But I'm more excited then anything. I can't believe we're finally going to get married tomorrow. Niles are you feeling okay? You're fidgeting like you're sitting on a bed of feathers.

TO STOP FROM FIDGETING IN HIS SEAT NILES STARTS TO PET EDDIE INSTEAD BUT AS NILES IS NOW SHAKING FROM HIS NERVES EDDIE LOOKS AS IF HE IS SHAKING AS WELL

NILES

Me? Oh I'm more then okay. I'm fine.

DAPHNE

Why is Eddie trembling?

NILES

Is he?

NILES TURNS TO LOOK AT EDDIE AND REALISING THAT HE IS MAKING HIM SHAKE PULLS HIS HAND AWAY

NILES (CONT'D)

Oh he must be coming down with something. Doggy flu.

DAPHNE

Are you sure you're okay?

FRASIER PLACES A GLASS OF SHERRY IN FRONT OF NILES BEFORE SITTING DOWN ON THE ARM OF MARTIN'S CHAIR

NILES

I'm fine.

NILES PICKS UP THE GLASS AND KNOCKS BACK THE SHERRY IN ONE. DAPHNE UNDERSTANDABLY LOOKS A LITTLE CONCERNED AT NILES

NILES (CONT'D)

What? It's a tiny glass.

DAPHNE

Yes and you nearly swallowed it whole. Can I have a word with you in the kitchen please? Come and help me make some sandwiches for the car journey.

DAPHNE TAKES NILES' HAND AND THEY BOTH EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN. MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM CARRYING A FLANNEL SUIT. WHEN EDDIE SEES HIM HE IMMEDIATELY RUNS TOWARDS HIM

FRASIER

No!

MARTIN

But they've got an elasticated waistband.

FRASIER

So do giant florescent clown pants but you're not wearing any of those either.

MARTIN

Fine.

MARTIN THEN TAKES OUT A TINY BOW TIE AND SHIRT COLLAR FROM HIS POCKET AND GIVES IT TO EDDIE WHO THEN RUNS OVER THE FRASIER

FRASIER

And no to you too.

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE STANDS BY THE ISLAND MAKING SOME SANDWICHES AS NILES JUST HOVERS NEXT TO HER

DAPHNE

Okay now what's the matter?

NILES

(HIS VOICE EXTREMELY HIGH PITCHED) Nothing. Nothing at all. Nothing's the matter. Why would you think that? I'm fine. Honestly. There's nothing wrong. What makes you think something is wrong?

DAPHNE

The fact that your voice has gone so high it could be mistaken for a cat with its privates caught in an antique mangle might have tipped me off doctor.

NILES

Well that's just a change of image I'm trying. Some people think I sound too butch and threatening. I come across as intimidating.

DAPHNE STOPS WHAT SHE'S DOING AND TURNS TO FACE NILES

DAPHNE

Niles honey I love you more then anything in the world but you couldn't intimidate a squirrel. Give me your hand.

DAPHNE TAKES NILES' HANDS IN HERS WHICH ARE STILL SHAKING

NILES

(COVERING) It is awfully chilly in here.

DAPHNE

Nice try but you'd think as a doctor you'd be able to come up with something better then that. What's going on?

NILES

I may be just a little bit nervous.

DAPHNE

A little?

NILES

Oh all right a lot. It's starting to affect my vision. I thought I saw you in the lobby. The doorman told me I was groping a ficus tree.

DAPHNE

Why are you feeling nervous? Is it me family?

NILES

Why would it be your family?

DAPHNE

Because they're about to descend upon us like a plague of locusts and there's nothing we can do about it. They're also a little mad at you for knocking me up before the wedding. Mum would kill you immediately with the first thing she could lay her hands on if it weren't for the fact that she wants to see me married before she dies and me brothers are determined to burn you in your bed.

NILES

Okay well that is a little worrying.

DAPHNE

Just to be on the safe side, you'd better hide when we get there until I find out what sort of mood she's in. If she's swearing like a soldier, carrying a pitchfork and a pair of pliers she's in a good mood and you should be okay.

NILES

What if she's in a dark mood?

DAPHNE

Then just remember I love you and you won't feel a thing until you reach the gates of heaven. Now what's really worrying you?

NILES

Well apart from that, I've just never been so close to getting everything I ever wanted. I'm afraid that someone is going to snatch it away from me.

DAPHNE LETS GO OF HIS HANDS AND PUTS HER ARMS AROUND HIS WAIST

DAPHNE

Listen, no one is going to snatch it away from you. This time tomorrow I'm going to marry you and have everything I've ever wanted. Okay?

NILES

Okay.

DAPHNE

And if a case of nerves is the worst thing that happens this weekend then we'll have got off lightly.

NILES

Trust me this weekend will be perfect, because you're there.

THEY KISS

DAPHNE

Have you been eating a pizza this morning?

BEFORE HE CAN ANSWER EDDIE COMES RUNNING IN WEARING HIS LITTLE TUX

NILES / DAPHNE

No!

SFX: DOORBELL

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER CROSSES TO OPEN THE DOOR AS ROZ ENTERS

FRASIER

Oh hi Roz. I didn't expect to see you this morning.

ROZ

Hi Frasier I'm glad I caught you. I just thought I'd come by on the slim hope that Allison might have come to her senses and dumped you last night.

FRASIER

No she didn't Roz and thanks once again for the daily shot of confidence.

ROZ SLUMPS DOWN ON THE COUCH

ROZ

Damn.

FRASIER

You still don't have a date for the wedding?

ROZ

Shhhh. Don't say it out loud people will hear.

AS FRASIER ZIPS UP HIS BAG ON MARTIN'S CHAIR NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN

NILES

You don't have a date?

ROZ

Thanks Frasier.

FRASIER

They would have found out eventually. There are only so many times you can fool your friends into believing that they keep missing your imaginary boyfriend because he's in the bathroom or using the phone, while La Traviata plays quietly in the background and you sigh hopelessly before finishing yet another glass of champagne.

NILES

I knew Kerry didn't exist!

FRASIER

Oh let it go Niles it was four years ago.

DAPHNE

You really don't have a date?

DAPHNE SITS DOWN NEXT TO ROZ AS NILES STANDS WITH FRASIER

NILES

I see you've finally managed to sleep with every single man in the state of Washington.

FRASIER

Most of them weren't single.

ROZ

No. I just couldn't find a man.

NILES

Are they hiding from you or has every other man on the planet suddenly died except us?

ROZ

I don't know what the problem is. I kept hoping that if I didn't admit it, it wouldn't be true. But I need to go with someone, and Frasier already has a date. Oh I know. Niles?

NILES

As flattered, as I am Roz by your offer it's generally frowned upon to take a date to your wedding that's not your fiancée.

FRASIER

Hey I've got an idea.

ROZ

I appreciate it Frasier but I really can't let you go spending money hiring a gigolo for me.

FRASIER

That's not what I was suggesting.

ROZ

Why not? How cheap are you?

FRASIER

I was going to say the same thing about you. Why don't you just go with Dad? He's going stag.

MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM CARRYING A BROWN SUIT

MARTIN

What about me?

FRASIER

Look neither of you have a date and you'll both be sitting at the head table anyway. At least this way you'll both have someone to dance with while you check out the talent. That way you'll be able to drive up with us as well.

MARTIN

I don't have a problem with it. Roz?

ROZ

But everyone with think that I'm some sort of gold digger.

NILES

Not with Dad in that suit they won't.

AS MARTIN TURNS TO HEAD BACK TO HIS ROOM TO LOOK FOR YET ANOTHER SUIT WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

TITLE CARD: "LOOK OUT THE BRITS ARE COMING"

FADE IN:

INT. HOTEL RECEPTION — AFTERNOON — DAY — DAY/1
(Coordinator, Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Roz, Martin, Allison, Bellboy, Receptionist, Mrs. Moon, Simon)

THE HOTEL'S WEDDING COORDINATOR LEADS A HAND IN HAND NILES AND DAPHNE THROUGH A DOOR ON THE FAR LEFT OF THE ROOM INTO THE RECEPTION AREA. THE RECEPTION AREA LOOKS VERY NICE FILLED WITH FRESH FLOWERS. ON THE RIGHT HAND SIDE IS THE DESK AND BEYOND THAT A DOOR LEADING TO THE REST OF THE HOTEL. AT THE FRONT LEFT HAND SIDE OF THE ROOM IS THE ENTRANCE AND NEXT TO THAT THE COAT CHECK AND THE RESTROOMS. THERE ARE SUITCASES ALL ABOUT THE DESK WAITING TO BE TAKEN UP TO THEIR ROOMS. A RECEPTIONIST POTTERS BACK BEHIND THE DESK

COORDINATOR

I'm so sorry about that. I had no idea that short cut took us through the boiler room. At least you won't need a facial now.

NILES

What was that gnawing on the electrical cables?

COORDINATOR

That was just a very thin cat with a bald tail.

DAPHNE

It looked like a rat.

COORDINATOR

And moving swiftly on, we'll complete our tour in this room, the...erm. The...erm. Oh no. It's time to get the old map and compass out again. Forgive me but I haven't been working here long.

THE COORDINATOR TAKES OUT A PIECE OF PAPER AND EXAMINES IT

DAPHNE

Really? We'd never have known. Exactly how long have you been working here?

COORDINATOR

For just over three weeks now.

NILES

Well you know your way around like you've been working here for about three minutes.

DAPHNE GIVES NILES A QUICK SLAP ON THE ARM

NILES (CONT'D)

Where did you work before you came here?

COORDINATOR

A lovely little jungle themed bed and breakfast outside of town they doubled as a boarding house for...ladies of the night shall we say. Everyone had to wear camouflage outfits with large snakes wrapped around our necks. It was very tastefully done. Okay I confess I have no idea what room this is.

DAPHNE

I think this is the reception.

COORDINATOR

What makes you think that?

DAPHNE

The sign that says reception.

COORDINATOR

Okay and this is the reception area. Have you seen it?

NILES

Yes we did, when we arrived.

COORDINATOR

Oh so you did. I'm that used to seeing sweaty builders pulling up their pants, weighed down with their tool belts doing the plastering in here, it's disorientating to see the room without them. Forgive me I'm a little nervous. You see this is my first wedding reception.

DAPHNE

Oh well I'm sure you'll do fine.

COORDINATOR

Oh thank you. I needed a shot of confidence. Either that or a shot of Bourbon. But maybe you can help me on one thing. Do you rub yourselves with the juice from the boiled pigs head before or after the ceremony? (PAUSE) I'm kidding. That was a joke.

NILES STARTS TO LOOK QUITE PALE

NILES

And how funny it was too. Excuse me please I think I need to see a paramedic.

COORDINATOR

That's very funny.

NILES

(TO DAPHNE) She thinks I'm joking.

COORDINATOR

Okay well can I reserve you both a table at our restaurant for tonight or are you going into town?

DAPHNE

No thank you, we're having a rehearsal dinner.

COORDINATOR

(CONFUSED) Are you?

NILES

It's been booked for months now by your predecessor.

COORDINATOR

(COVERING) Oh so you have now I remember her telling me about it. (GUESSING) It was for twenty people?

DAPHNE

Ninety-eight.

COORDINATOR

Ah yes. We may need to add a couple of extra places. Well I'll get right to that.

THE COORDINATOR RUSHES AND EXITS THROUGH THE DOOR NEXT TO THE RECEPTION DESK AS NILES AND DAPHNE JUST STARE AFTER HER

COORDINATOR (CONT'D)

(OFF STAGE) Oh my God! It's okay. Nothing to worry about. I just saw that cat again.

DAPHNE TURNS TO NILES PANICKING

DAPHNE

Oh my God, this place has developed into a death trap and that insane woman doesn't have the rehearsal dinner planned.

NILES PLACES HIS HANDS ON HER SHOULDERS TO REASSURE HER

NILES

It'll be fine. Trust me.

DAPHNE

But what if she's got a Christening organised instead of a wedding? While everyone else sings hymns you'll be grabbed by the back of your neck and dunked under water.

NILES

I'm sure whoever was in charge before has seen to everything. Now relax, the pair of you. That's doctor's orders. Would you feel better if I went and checked everything out?

DAPHNE

Much. Thank you.

THEY KISS

NILES

Okay. I'll be right back.

NILES EXITS FOLLOWING THE COORDINATOR AS FRASIER AND MARTIN ENTER THROUGH THE MAIN ENTRANCE

FRASIER

How on earth did you manage to get here so quickly? We left Seattle at least twenty minutes before you did. We didn't even stop for a bathroom break.

ROZ ENTERS RUNNING THROUGH THE MAIN ENTRANCE AND HEADS STRAIGHT FOR THE BATHROOM

ROZ

Get out of my way I have to pee.

ROZ EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM AS A BELLBOY ENTERS THROUGH THE MAIN ENTRANCE PUSHING A CART WITH THEIR LUGGAGE ON

MARTIN

It's probably because you drive as fast as an old lady looking for a parking space outside the grocery store.

FRASIER

I do not.

MARTIN

Frasier an old man in an electric cart passed us a while back.

FRASIER

That's only because I braked to miss a pigeon.

MARTIN

For three hours on the highway? I could have rode on Eddie all the way here, stopped for a moonlit berry picking expedition and still have beaten you.

ALLISON ENTERS THROUGH THE MAIN ENTRANCE CARRYING DAPHNE'S WEDDING DRESS

ALLISON

Daphne here's your dress what shall I...?

NILES ENTERS FROM BY THE RECEPTION DESK

NILES

Okay everything is arranged as planned.

DAPHNE

Oh my God! Shut your eyes?

NILES

(CONFUSED) What?

DAPHNE

Shut your eyes!

SINCE NILES IS COMPLETELY UNCLEAR ON WHAT IS GOING ON DAPHNE GRABS HIM AND KISSES HIM BEFORE TURNING HIM AROUND AND FACING AWAY FROM THE WEDDING DRESS. ROZ ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM

ROZ

What's going on?

ALLISON

I forgot! I didn't realise he'd be in here. It's bad luck for the groom to see the dress before the wedding.

DAPHNE BREAKS THE KISS AND PUTS HER HEAD ON NILES' SHOULDER SO SHE CAN SEE WHAT'S GOING ON

FRASIER

I wouldn't be too sure that's what's going on.

DAPHNE

Take it away somewhere.

ALLISON

Here take it.

ALLISON GIVES IT TO FRASIER

FRASIER

I don't want it. Roz you have it.

ROZ WON'T TOUCH IT AND HOLDS HER HANDS IN THE AIR

ROZ

What do I want with it? Give it to Martin.

DAPHNE

It's not a bomb you know. You won't have pieces of sequin and pearl shrapnel embedded in your leg if you're the last one to touch it.

NILES

Can you just hide it somewhere please. Not that I mind spending the rest of my life like this, it is after all very comfortable but it will make it harder to go to the bathroom.

BELLBOY

Shall I put it in your room for you Ma'am?

DAPHNE

Yes thank you.

THE BELLBOY TAKES THE DRESS AND EXITS THROUGH THE DOOR NEXT TO THE RECEPTION DESK

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Okay and you're free again.

DAPHNE LETS GO OF NILES AND HE TURNS TO FACE THE REST OF THE GROUP BEFORE TAKING DAPHNE'S HAND

FRASIER

Well now that crisis is over, and Daphne has burst my eardrums with her screaming we have a reservation for Crane. Frasier Crane.

FRASIER AND ALLISON MOVE OVER TO THE RECEPTION DESK

RECEPTIONIST

You do?

FRASIER

Yes. There's no need to sound quite so surprised about it.

RECEPTIONIST

I don't have anything on the books Sir.

FRASIER

Excuse me?

RECEPTIONIST

We have a twelve o'clock final check in policy unless we receive phone confirmation. We're overbooked and you were late arriving so it seems we gave your room to another guest.

MARTIN

You had to break for that pigeon.

FRASIER

Who has the room?

THE RECEPTIONIST POINTS ACROSS THE ROOM AT NILES AND DAPHNE

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Niles? I don't believe this. Give it back!

NILES

What? You can't be serious? You'd have us give up our room the night before our wedding?

MARTIN MOVES TOWARDS THE DESK

MARTIN

Do you have my room? Martin Crane.

RECEPTIONIST

Erm...yes we have. Thank you for calling this morning. Would you like to check in now Sir?

FRASIER

But what about me?

NILES

I'm sure they'll have another room.

RECEPTIONIST

Actually we're fully booked tonight. We have four wedding parties here this weekend, including yours.

FRASIER

Then what do we do now?

ROZ

In your case whine seems to be the most obvious answer.

ROZ LEANS UP THE BAGGAGE CART BY THE BATHROOM

FRASIER

Roz!

ROZ

What?

FRASIER

I have an idea. Since you've arrived as Dad's date why don't you sleep in Dad's room and Allison and I can have your room?

ROZ

Why don't you just go insane? Oh look you already have.

FRASIER

Is that a no?

ROZ

You catch on quick smart man.

FRASIER

Then where are we supposed to sleep?

MARTIN

How about my Winnebago when Simon and the rest of Daphne's family get here?

FRASIER

And how about you never speak again?

ROZ

What's wrong with that idea?

FRASIER

You expect me to shack up in a Winnebago in a parking lot? Why not just hang a couple of gophers off the back and hire me a bigheaded banjo boy to serenade us?

ALLISON

Well while you spend the rest of the day complaining I'll be relaxing later in the Winnebago. Thanks Martin.

MRS. MOON ENTERS THROUGH THE MAIN ENTRANCE FOLLOWED BY SIMON. MRS. MOON IS DRESSED ALL IN BLACK WITH A VAIL LIKE SHE'S ATTENDING A FUNERAL. AS SOON AS NILES SEES HER HE RUNS AND HIDES BEHIND FRASIER AND MARTIN UP AGAINST THE RECEPTION DESK

MRS. MOON

Well I'm here for this bloody thing. God knows why.

DAPHNE

Mum! It's so good to see you! You look...great!

DAPHNE HUGS HER MOTHER AS SHE GESTURES FOR NILES TO HIDE

NILES

Quick hide me before she kills me.

MARTIN

You can't hide from her for the whole weekend. It's not traditional to wear an invisibility blanket at the alter you know.

NILES

Want to bet?

ROZ

I love this outfit. Did you stop off at a funeral on the way from the airport?

MRS. MOON LOOKS ROZ'S SLIGHTLY SHORT SKIRT UP AND DOWN

MRS. MOON

No I didn't, did you stop off down at the docks?

FRASIER

And now the pleasantries are out of the way.

SIMON WONDERS OVER TO ROZ

SIMON

Hello there Rose. You're looking particularly fine today if I do say so myself. (TO DAPHNE) Oh hello Stilts.

ROZ

Oh God!

SIMON

If I have my way that won't be the last time you say that this weekend.

ROZ STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS THE DOOR BY THE RECEPTION DESK

FRASIER

Where are you going?

ROZ

To scrape myself up a date before I do someone really stupid.

ROZ EXITS

ALLISON

Don't you mean something stupid?

FRASIER

Trust me she meant someone.

DAPHNE

Mum you remember Dr. Crane and Mr. Crane?

MARTIN LEANS FORWARD WHILE STILL TRYING TO HIDE NILES TO SHAKE HANDS

MARTIN

It's great to see you again Mrs. Moon.

MRS. MOON

You obviously don't get out a lot.

FRASIER

Mrs. Moon can I introduce you to Allison my girlfriend.

ALLISON GOES TO SHAKE HANDS

FRASIER (CONT'D)

(SOTTO TO ALLISON) Don't shake her hand you won't get it back.

ALLISON PULLS HER HAND AWAY

ALLISON

It's lovely to meet you.

MRS. MOON

Likewise.

DAPHNE

Where's Dad?

MRS. MOON

Passed out as pissed as a newt and half naked in the back of the Winnebago. I wouldn't go in there love it's not a pretty picture especially in your condition. And you're brothers have gone looking for a bar. They've got more blood then alcohol pumping through their veins. They'll soon put that right within the hour.

DAPHNE

And how was your flight?

MRS. MOON

I would have been more comfortable set on fire and strapped to one of the wings for the eleven odd hours.

MARTIN

Well there's still time to arrange that for on your way home.

MRS. MOON

All right enough of the small talk, where is the Randy little bleeder that's got my only daughter up the stick?

DAPHNE

He does have a name you know Mum.

MRS. MOON

He has plenty in our house. None that I'd care to repeat in front of strangers. I have enough to confess in church as it is.

NILES RATHER RELUCTANTLY MOVES FROM BEHIND FRASIER AND MARTIN OVER TO DAPHNE. DAPHNE IMMEDIATELY TAKES HIS HAND AND HOLDS ONTO IT TIGHT. FRASIER, MARTIN AND ALLISON ALL FREEZE UNSURE OF WHAT MRS. MOON'S REACTION IS GOING TO BE

NILES

Mrs. Moon it's lovely to see you.

NILES LEANS FORWARD TO KISS HER CHEEK

SIMON

Look out Mum he's trying it on with you now.

MRS. MOON SUDDENLY STARTS TO BEAT NILES WITH HER PURSE

NILES

Ouch Mrs. Moon!

DAPHNE

Mum leave him alone. Simon stop encouraging her.

DAPHNE PULLS NILES AWAY FROM MRS. MOON

NILES

Mrs. Moon I think you may have part of my iris on the corner of your purse.

MRS. MOON

It's a bloody good job you're about to marry her or I'd be using my very strong grip right about now to turn you into a woman.

NILES

Well that's certainly good to hear.

DAPHNE

But that's the whole point we are getting married tomorrow so you have nothing to be mad at him for.

MRS. MOON

I suppose you have a point but until then I insist you have the room next to me Daphne so he doesn't sneak in there and work off his manly urges on you and get you into even more trouble.

DAPHNE

Actually Mum, we're sleeping in the same room.

MRS. MOON

Tonight?

NILES

Yes.

MRS. MOON LUNGES FORWARD AND STARTS TO BEAT NILES WITH HER PURSE AGAIN

NILES (CONT'D)

Ouch! Mrs. Moon!

DAPHNE

Mum stop it.

SIMON

Well done Mum! I told you two years ago he'd got her pregnant.

ALLISON

So that's Daphne's Mum?

FRASIER

Or Satan as she's more commonly known.

AS SIMON GRABS HOLD OF MRS. MOON TO PULL HER AWAY FROM NILES WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

FADE IN:

INT. HOTEL BAR — EVENING — NIGHT — DAY/1
(Martin, Frank, Zora, Frasier, Daphne, Niles, Allison, Lilith, Freddie, Roz, Mrs. Moon, Manager, Huw, Ioan, Simon, Jackie, Waiter, Party Guests)

THE LARGE BAR IS HEAVING WITH PARTY GUESTS. ON THE RIGHT HAND WALL OF THE ROOM IS THE BAR AND ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE IS TWO SETS OF DOUBLE DOORS THAT LEAD TO THE DINNING ROOM. ON THE BACK WALL THERE ARE TWO DOORS THAT LEAD TO OTHER PARTS OF THE HOTEL. STANDING BY THE DINNING ROOM DOOR ARE FRASIER, ALLISON AND MARTIN. FRANK AND ZORA ENTER FROM ONE OF THE DOORS ON THE BACK WALL. MARTIN SEES THEM IMMEDIATELY

MARTIN

Hey Frank!

FRANK

Hi Marty.

MARTIN AND FRANK SHAKE HANDS BEFORE ZORA PULLS MARTIN INTO A BIG HUG

ZORA

Marty give your sister-in-law a big hug. You look wonderful. No?

MARTIN

Zora thanks for coming.

FRASIER

Hello Uncle Frank. Hello there Aunt Zora.

ZORA TURNS TO LOOK AT FRASIER AND THEN TURNS AWAY FROM HIM

FRASIER (CONT'D)

And you're still not talking to me I see.

ZORA

Oh no Frasier, my favourite nephew. I'll talk to you. Come here.

FRASIER

Okay.

ZORA GRABS FRASIER'S TIE AND PULLS HIM CLOSE TO HER

ZORA

If you go within fifty feet of my son ever again, I'll rip your heart out and feed it to the dogs. Do we understand each other?

FRASIER

Perfectly.

AS ZORA LETS GO OF HIS TIE WE FOCUS IN ON NILES AND DAPHNE WHO ARE SITTING AT THE BAR FACING OUT INTO THE ROOM. NILES HAS A FAIRLY SWOLLEN BLACK EYE THAT DAPHNE ATTENDS TO WITH A SMALL ICE PACK

DAPHNE

I can't believe you're going to have a black eye on our wedding photos my poor baby. I'm going to kill her. Or at least encourage the doctor to pull the plug when the time eventually comes.

NILES

Believe me the way your Mom was swinging that bag around like a whippet on amphetamines it could have been a lot worse. She doesn't exactly have a very good aim. We could have been spending tonight and our wedding night drinking from the mini bar, watching the television and pouring ice cubes down my pants to reduce the swelling instead of what I've got planned.

DAPHNE

Well that could be fun too.

THEY KISS AS FRASIER, MARTIN AND ALLISON APPROACH THEM

FRASIER

Niles I don't want to worry you, but shouldn't we be allowed in to the dinning room by now? It's getting late and Dad's looking at me and licking his lips like I'm a pork chop.

MARTIN

Face it Frasier there's enough meat on you.

NILES

Apparently they're having a small problem in the kitchen.

ALLISON

What kind of problem?

A WAITER ENTERS FROM THE DINNING ROOM DOORS. WHEN THE DOORS OPEN A WAFT OF SMOKE FILLS THE ROOM

DAPHNE

Or maybe that was a little too subtle for you.

MARTIN

What are you going to do?

NILES

Drink lots of alcohol.

NILES PICKS UP A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE OFF THE BAR AND TAKES A LARGE SIP

DAPHNE

It's all right for some. I notice you didn't give that up while I can't drink it like you did with coffee. Just make sure you don't get totally plastered like the rest of my family.

NILES

Have they found you a room yet?

FRASIER

There's not one missing Niles, it wasn't stolen they just don't have one thanks to someone stealing the one I had reserved.

NILES

We didn't steal it. The hotel overbooked and we got here before you. You'll be fine in the Winnebago.

FRASIER

Only if I were covered in tattoo's with several teeth missing. If you hear a banjo playing followed by squealing in the middle of the night coming from the parking lot you'll know that we're just re-enacting Deliverance.

DAPHNE

Well at least this weekend can't surely get any worse.

LILITH AND FREDDIE ENTER FROM ONE OF THE DOORS ON THE BACK WALL. LILITH SCANS THE ROOM UNTIL SHE SEES FRASIER AND THEN WALKS TOWARDS HIM

LILITH

Frasier!

FRASIER TURNS AROUND UPON HEARING HIS NAME BEING CALLED

FRASIER

Ahhhhhhhhh!

MARTIN

(CONCERNED) What? (SEEING LILITH) Ahhhhhhhhh!

LILITH

I've been looking for you everywhere.

MARTIN

Daphne you spoke too soon.

NILES

At least that explains the blood weeping down the walls.

DAPHNE

I thought me mother had caused that.

LILITH AND FREDDIE FINALLY REACH FRASIER

FREDDIE

Hi Dad.

FRASIER

Freddie come here and give your old man a hug.

FRASIER AND FREDDIE HUG

FRASIER (CONT'D)

It's so good to see you. You look very smart young man. Hello Lilith.

FRASIER KISSES LILITH'S CHEEK

FRASIER (CONT'D)

It's nice to see you. How was your flight?

LILITH

It was fine thank you.

MARTIN

Freddie!

MARTIN AND FREDDIE HUG

LILITH

Niles, Daphne congratulations on the wedding and if a little birdie told me right there's also a baby on the way?

NILES

That's right. Thank you Lilith. And thanks for coming.

FREDDIE

Hi Uncle Niles. Hello Daphne.

DAPHNE

What's the matter? Have you not got a hug for me anymore? I'm not an old married woman yet. I can still flirt with a nice young man when I feel like it.

DAPHNE GETS OFF HER BAR STOOL AND HUGS FREDDIE

FRASIER

Freddie let me introduce you to Allison. Allison this is my son Frederick.

ALLISON AND FREDDIE SHAKE HANDS

ALLISON

It's nice to meet you.

FRASIER

And of course you remember Lilith.

ALLISON

Who could forget Lilith? It's lovely to see you again.

ROZ APPROACHES THE BAR AND SITS DOWN BEFORE TAKING A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE OFF THE BAR AND TAKES A BIG SWIG OF IT

ROZ

What is wrong with me? Have I developed some sort of repellent abnormal growth on my face today? Why can't I find a man anywhere?

FRASIER

Still having no luck?

ROZ

A newly castrated dog has had more luck today then I have. I think I've been sprayed with some sort of stud repellent.

ALLISON

Simon seems to dote on you.

ROZ

Exactly as I've said I seem to have been sprayed with some sort of extra strength stud repellent.

FRASIER

But on the upside Lilith is here.

ROZ

Where? (FINALLY SEEING HER) Ahhhhhhhhh.

LILITH

Thank you Roz it's lovely to see you again as well. Niles what on earth happened to your eye?

MRS. MOON WALKS PAST AND SMACKS NILES ON THE ARM WITH HER PURSE AS SHE GOES

MRS. MOON

Randy little sod.

LILITH

Ah now I understand.

DAPHNE

Come on you I'd better introduce you to the rest of my family before they get so drunk they start to take their pants off and throw them on the crystal chandeliers.

NILES

Your family? In that case let me find some sort of weapon to protect myself and oh by the way I leave everything to you in my will.

NILES PICKS UP HIS DRINK OFF THE BAR BEFORE HE AND DAPHNE MINGLE WITH THE REST OF THE PARTY GUESTS

A BEAT

THE REMAINING GROUP AT THE BAR ALL LOOK VERY UNCOMFORTABLE

FRASIER

Well this is nice.

ALLISON

Yes it is.

A BEAT

LILITH

Not at all uncomfortable.

FRASIER

Not at all.

A BEAT

MARTIN

I need a drink.

ROZ

I'm coming with you.

MARTIN AND ROZ BOTH HEAD INTO THE CROWD TOWARDS A WAITER CARRYING A TRAY OF GLASSES. NILES AND DAPHNE ARE NOW ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE ROOM BY THE DINNING ROOM DOORS

NILES

Who's the little girl with the eye patch again?

DAPHNE

Audrey my niece. That's Stephen's daughter.

NILES

Do you think she'd let me borrow it?

DAPHNE

You think looking like a pirate on the photos is better then having a black eye?

NILES

It would match my tuxedo and it's not like I'll have a peg leg and a parrot on my shoulder as well.

DAPHNE

Well it's not the first time I've seen you dress as a pirate.

NILES

Why does she even still wear that eye patch now that she has a glass eye?

DAPHNE

It's blue and her eyes are brown. Leave it to Stephen to order the wrong colour.

THE HOTEL MANAGER ENTERS FROM THE DINNING ROOM

MANAGER

Dr. Crane can I have a quick word with you please?

NILES

Yes of course you can. Has the kitchen 'incident' been brought under control?

MANAGER

Well yes but we've lost some kitchen space so unfortunately your dinner will have to be cooked on a gas bar-be-cue on the veranda.

NILES KNOCKS BACK THE REST OF HIS CHAMPAGNE IN ONE AS THE WAITER WALKS PAST. NILES PUTS HIS EMPTY GLASS ON HIS TRAY AND TAKES THE LAST REMAINING FULL GLASS

NILES

(TO THE WAITER) Can you bring me another one of these please? (TO THE MANAGER) I see.

THE WAITER MOVES OFF TOWARDS THE BAR

MANAGER

But that's not the major problem at the moment.

DAPHNE

And what would that be?

MANAGER

We've never had four wedding parties here at the same time before and the staff are demanding a pay rise, which I can't agree to. So to cut a long story short...

NILES

(SARCASTICALLY) Oh no please give us the longer version we're enjoying this tale so much.

MANAGER

Oh well then after a quick debate they elected Bruce Sibly as their representative to talk to me...

NILES

I wasn't serious!

MANAGER

The majority of the waiters have walked out on strike. You'll have to clear your own tables and get your own food from the bar-be-cue.

DAPHNE BURIES HER HEAD INTO NILES' SHOULDER

DAPHNE

I don't believe this. I knew we were tempting fate by bringing the two dark forces of Lilith and me mother together. I'm surprised the earth hasn't split in two.

MANAGER

But on the upside we caught that rat.

NILES

We were told it was a cat.

MANAGER

Well there was a cat. That was until the rat ate it.

WE NOW FOCUS IN ON ROZ AND MARTIN WHO ARE STANDING AGAINST THE BACK WALL LOOKING AT ALL THE FACES IN THE MINGLING CROWD. SIMON STANDS IN THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM AND UPON SEEING ROZ STARE IN HIS GENERAL DIRECTION DRINKS FROM HIS GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE BEFORE PUTTING HIS TONGUE IN HIS GLASS SUGGESTIVELY AND ARCHING HIS EYEBROW

ROZ

Oh my God. I need to find a man now. Simon is beginning to look more and more attractive every second.

MARTIN

What's wrong with me? I bring you here and then you dump me? I have to say Roz I'm hurt.

ROZ

Oh Martin I'm sorry.

MARTIN

Roz I'm kidding.

ROZ

Hey you were a cop if I kill Simon what's the best way to dispose of the body without getting caught.

MARTIN

Not telling a retired cop about it may be a good start.

ROZ LOOKS BACK INTO THE CROWD AND SEES A TALL WOMAN LOOKING AT MARTIN

ROZ

Martin don't turn around but I think that woman is starring at you. She is. She's checking you out.

MARTIN

Oh she is not.

ROZ

Marty you've got to be cold because she's just totally undressed you with her eyes.

MARTIN

Do you really think so?

ROZ

I'm surprised she doesn't need a cigarette. Go and talk to her.

MARTIN

I can't leave you here with Simon sniffing around.

ROZ

Yes you...

MARTIN STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS THE WOMAN

MARTIN

Great.

ROZ

You could at least have waiting for me to finish the sentence!

WE FOCUS BACK IN ON NILES AND DAPHNE WHO ARE STILL STANDING BY THE DINNING ROOM DOORS AS FRASIER WALKS OVER TO THEM

FRASIER

Daphne quick get over here.

DAPHNE

What's the matter?

FRASIER

I think a couple of your relatives may have had some sort of mild strokes.

DAPHNE

A couple?

NILES AND DAPHNE FOLLOW FRASIER BACK OVER TO THE BAR WHERE LILITH AND FREDDIE ARE NOW SITTING ON THE BAR STOOLS WITH ALLISON STANDING NEXT TO THEM. TWO TWENTY SOMETHING MEN, HUW AND IOAN STAND THERE AS WELL TALKING TO LILITH

HUW

Shwmae! Sut wyt ti? Mae'n dda ith weld!

LILITH

Daphne please what are these people saying to me?

IOAN

Lle braf yw hwn nad ywe?

DAPHNE

Rhoddi dy drowsers arnot ti, ti'n twpsin! Rwyt ti'n meddw!

HUW AND IOAN LAUGH AND THEN MOVE BACK INTO THE CROWD

NILES

What the hell was that?

DAPHNE

They're my cousins. Don't worry about it they're Welsh.

NILES

I didn't know you spoke Welsh.

DAPHNE

I can't.

ALLISON

Then what did you just say to them?

DAPHNE

The only thing I know how to say "you're drunk you silly sods, now pull your trousers up and go to bed."

LILITH

Then why was he spitting at me?

DAPHNE

They're Welsh that's how they speak.

NILES

Well at least we'll be able to start dinner soon.

FRASIER

That's great.

NILES

You'll have to be quick though because you've got to get a plate from the side table and form a line around to the bar-be-cue outside.

FRASIER

I beg your pardon?

LILITH

I see you've spared every expense Niles.

WE FOCUS BACK IN ON ROZ WHO IS STILL STANDING AS BEFORE WATCHING MARTIN STILL TALKING TO THE WOMAN WHO WAS WATCHING HIM. ROZ TRIES IN VAIN TO IGNORE SIMON WHO IS NOW STANDING NEXT TO HER AND LEERING OVER HER

SIMON

If you don't mind my saying so Rose you look as fit as a butchers dog tonight. That dress is really slutty.

ROZ

Is that your idea of a compliment?

SIMON

Actually it's my idea of a chat up line. Has it worked?

ROZ

Simon it wouldn't work even if you were gold plated and offered me a beach house on Maui and a choice of pool boys.

SIMON

At least I've got something to aim for.

A BEAT

SIMON (CONT'D)

You know what would look great on you? (PAUSE) Me.

ROZ LOOKS AT SIMON ABSOLUTELY APPALLED AS MARTIN JOINS THEM AGAIN

ROZ

What are you doing back?

MARTIN

I struck out.

SIMON

With Jackie?

MARTIN

Yeah.

SIMON

That's because he's my Uncle, Marty.

MARTIN

What?

SIMON

That's my Uncle Jackie. Daphne must have mentioned him before. The transvestite minister from San Francisco?

ROZ

You know what this means?

MARTIN

Yeah I just hit on a man!

ROZ

No he was starring at me. Wait. Oh great the only man to show any interest in me and he's dressed as a woman.

SIMON

I'm interested.

ROZ

I said man not slime ball.

SIMON

Is there a difference?

MARTIN

Excuse me I need to sit down.

MARTIN MOVES OVER TO THE DINNING ROOM DOORS TO SIT DOWN AS WE MOVE BACK OVER TO THE BAR. EVERYONE REMAINS AS BEFORE

FRASIER

Just how exactly are they going to cook lobster en cruet on a bar-be-cue?

DAPHNE

It's like how sausages are made. You just don't ask.

NILES

But may I suggest you try to get to the head of the line before the smell of the bar-be-cue might attract any hungry wildlife. Bears immediately spring to mind.

ALLISON

Okay so far, Niles has almost seen the dress and been given a black eye, our room has been given away and we have to sleep in the Winnebago, there's been a fire, there are no waiters and now we have to wrestle our dinner off a bear. Is this a Crane wedding tradition?

FRASIER

Trust me nothing else strange can possible happen.

NO SOONER HAS FRASIER FINISHED UTTERING THE WORDS THEN MARTIN APPROACHES THEM FOR SOME REASON WEARING A VAST AMOUNT OF POORLY PUT ON MAKE UP. EVERYONE TURNS TO LOOK AT HIM AND ARE STUNNED AND LOST FOR WORDS AS WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(D)

TITLE CARD: "THE LAST HOURS BEFORE MOURNING?"

FADE IN:

INT. HOTEL DINNING ROOM — EVENING — NIGHT — DAY/1
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne, Allison, Lilith, Freddie, Mrs. Moon, Roz, Simon, Stephen, Coordinator, Jackie, Robert, Zora, Party Guests)

THE DINNING ROOM IS EXTREMELY LARGE WITH LARGE VERANDA DOORS ON THE BACK WALL THAT LEAD OUTSIDE TO WHERE THE BAR-BE-CUE IS NOW SITUATED. ON THE RIGHT HAND WALL IS THE DOOR LEADING BACK OUT INTO THE BAR WITH A BAND STANDING IN THE CORNER PLAYING QUIETLY. ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE IS THE HEAD TABLE, WHICH STRETCHES ACROSS THE ENTIRE SIDE OF THE ROOM. IN THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM THERE IS A SMALL DANCE FLOOR WITH THE OTHER TABLES AND CHAIRS AROUND IT. IT APPEARS THAT DINNER HAS ALREADY FINISHED AS EVERYONE MINGLES AND AVOIDS CLEARING THEIR OWN TABLES. MARTIN SITS AT THE HEAD TABLE STILL TRYING TO GET THE MAKEUP OFF HIS FACE AS FRASIER, NILES, DAPHNE, ALLISON AND LILITH ALL WATCH HIM EXTREMELY AMUSED

FRASIER

Okay now what happened? You thought you were more likely to get a date by making yourself look like a woman? Does Roz know you're her competition now?

MARTIN

I hit on Daphne's Uncle Jackie. I thought he was a woman.

NILES

He'd probably say the same about you now.

DAPHNE

You what? Why did you do a thing like that?

MARTIN

I thought he was checking me out. Blame Roz she's the one that told me he was looking at me. And once again let me say for the record I thought he was a woman.

DAPHNE

Why on earth would you think that he's a woman?

MARTIN

Maybe because of the floral patterned dress, the wig and the high-heeled shoes and that's just off the top of my head.

DAPHNE

But he has an Adam's apple the size of a watermelon and the shoulders of a marine. How could you possible mistake him for a woman?

MARTIN

He makes a very attractive looking woman I'll have you know.

FRASIER

In that shade of lip-gloss so do you.

NILES

In a dim light I can vaguely understand your mistake but that still doesn't explain why you're wearing mascara.

MARTIN

I was a little shocked and dizzy from what had happened so I went to sit down. I closed my eyes for no more then five seconds and then the next thing I know some guy is coming towards me with some lip gloss and a pair of tweezers.

ALLISON

I thought you said that the Twilight Zone had closed on this wedding or is this what you call normal?

LILITH

Evidently he was wrong.

DAPHNE

Which guy did this to you?

MARTIN

That guy there, going outside to the bar-be-cue.

MARTIN POINTS TO ROBERT WHO EXITS OUTSIDE THROUGH THE VERANDA DOORS

DAPHNE

Oh don't worry about it that's my Uncle Robert, you know the mortician.

MARTIN

Oh great so what does that mean? He thought I looked dead?

DAPHNE

You can go quite pale at times.

NILES

Well never mind you look very pretty now.

LILITH

Yes Martin I'm sure you'll have a date within an hour.

MARTIN

Just help get it off.

FREDDIE APPROACHES FROM OFF THE DANCE FLOOR

FREDDIE

Why is Grandpa wearing make-up?

LILITH

He's getting in touch with his feminine side.

DAPHNE

And she's asking why are you doing this to yourself.

MARTIN

Are you saying I don't look attractive?

NILES

No of course you do Dad. In fact I have the uncontrollable urge to kiss you. Do you mind if I hug you? I promise to keep my hands above your waist.

LILITH AND FREDDIE MOVE AWAY AND SIT DOWN AT A NEARBY TABLE

MARTIN

You stay away from me.

FRASIER

Well other then Dad looking like an extremely cheap hooker, everything seems to be going according to plan. Finally.

DAPHNE

To keep it that way, we'd better keep Lilith away from my Uncle Robert. If he did that to your father just imagine what he'd do to Lilith's bloodless skin.

FRASIER

Good point. When we went to get blood tests before we were married they thought she'd gone there to get a blood transfusion.

MRS. MOON WALKS TOWARDS THE TABLE AND SITS DOWN

DAPHNE

Having a good time Mum?

MRS. MOON

No I am not. Your father's still asleep in the Winnebago and your brother Reginald has just been sick in the wishing well.

FRASIER

Mr. Moon is still in the Winnebago?

MRS. MOON

Yes and the drunken sod can stay there. David keeps going out there every hour to make sure he's still breathing. I'm not going to check on him. I don't trust him. The last time he got this drunk we conceived Michael.

FRASIER

But we have no hotel room so we were going to spend the night in the Winnebago.

MRS. MOON

Well he won't mind. He probably won't even notice you're there. Just make sure you put him a clean pair of underwear on and make him roll over. You'll be fine.

FRASIER

At least that gives me something to look forward to later.

MRS. MOON

Meanwhile I'm alone and I have no bugger to dance with.

MRS. MOON LOOKS UP AT NILES AND SMILES

NILES

Oh that is a shame. (REALISING) Oh! Mrs. Moon would you like to dance?

MRS. MOON

Oh don't mind if I do Niles. But just make sure you keep those wondering hands of yours on my shoulders since you can't control your hormones. They'll be no feeling up the mother of the bride.

NILES OFFERS MRS. MOON HIS HAND TO HELP HER GET UP BEFORE THEY MOVE TOWARDS THE DANCE FLOOR. DAPHNE LOOKS ON IN HORROR

DAPHNE

It's like an eclipse. You know you shouldn't look but you just can't help it.

MARTIN

Don't worry he'll be fine.

DAPHNE

Only if he's carrying a nuclear fallout shelter in his pocket.

WE FOCUS IN ON NILES AND MRS. MOON DANCING. AS THEY DANCE SLOWLY MRS. MOON STEPS ON NILES' FOOT

NILES

Ouch!

MRS. MOON

Well stop putting your big honking feet under mine you ruddy great galar!

NILES

Once again I apologise for being so clumsy.

MRS. MOON

I do hope you plan to do right by my daughter. She's used to the finer things in life you know.

NILES

Of course I will Mrs. Moon. I love her more then anything.

MRS. MOON

(MENACINGLY) You'd better because if you don't I'll make your life a living hell. I may not be able to make it rain sulphur but I shall give it a bloody good go. World War II will look like Mardi Gras compared to the reign of terror I can bring down on you. Do we understand each other?

NILES

Loud and clear.

THE MUSIC STOPS AND NILES AND MRS. MOON PULL APART BEFORE SHE KISSES HIS CHEEK

MRS. MOON

Thank you Niles that was lovely, even though you're a bit of a clumsy sod. If you're this clumsy with birth control I understand now how you were able to get her pregnant.

NILES MOVES BACK OVER TO THE HEAD TABLE AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO DAPHNE

DAPHNE

That looked cosy. What were you two talking about?

NILES

Oh just this and that. Your mother doesn't actually own a gun or sharp object of any description does she?

DAPHNE

No she doesn't. Now me Dad on the other hand is a different story, he collects old hunting rifles. Why?

NILES

Oh no reason.

ROZ ENTERS THROUGH THE DOOR LEADING FROM THE BAR AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO DAPHNE

NILES (CONT'D)

Where have you been for the past half an hour?

ROZ

Hiding from Simon.

DAPHNE

Where?

ROZ

In the bathroom.

ALLISON

I didn't see you in there.

ROZ

I was in the Men's room hiding in a stall.

FRASIER

Why?

ROZ

Simon was looking for me in the Ladies room. What else was I supposed to do? I immediately regretted it though. I had to spend the next twenty minutes apologising to the very shocked and frightened looking hotel minister clutching his bible for dear life. But how was I to know the lock was broken on that stall? At least I didn't stare. And it's not like he had anything to be ashamed of so those twelve Hail Mary's that I had to do were a little uncalled for. But on the plus side I have four guys phone numbers now.

NILES

Copied from the bathroom wall?

ROZ

No! I was...(SEEING MARTIN) Martin are you wearing blush?

MARTIN

Oh jeez.

MARTIN PICKS UP HIS NAPKIN AND WIPES HIS FACE YET AGAIN AS MRS. MOON APPROACHES THE TABLE

MRS. MOON

Daphne's who's the mad woman?

DAPHNE

Which mad woman?

MRS. MOON POINTS TOWARDS THE DANCE FLOOR WHERE ZORA IS TRYING TO DRAG AS MANY PEOPLE AS SHE CAN INTO A GREEK DANCE

NILES

Ah. That's my Aunt Zora. She's Greek.

FRASIER

I'll speak to her.

FRASIER STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS ZORA

MRS. MOON

I suppose every family has at least one odd relative.

DAPHNE

One? We have a fleet.

FRASIER REACHES ZORA AND TAPS HER ON THE SHOULDER

FRASIER

Aunt Zora.

ZORA PRETENDS TO SPIT IN FRASIER'S DIRECTION. TAKING THE HINT FRASIER TURNS ON HIS HEELS AND HEADS BACK TO THE HEAD TABLE

FRASIER (CONT'D)

You know I think she might still be a little mad at me.

MARTIN

Gee, do you think?

FRASIER

Well that was certainly an interesting meal.

NILES

Did anyone else get any of the grey meat?

MARTIN

What kind of meat is grey?

FRASIER

I don't want to even think about that.

DAPHNE

The manager did say that the kitchen would be ready for dinner tomorrow. So at least all the problems have happened today. Tomorrow should go fine.

NILES STARTS TO RUB DAPHNE'S SHOULDER

NILES

Of course it will.

FRASIER PICKS UP HIS CHAMPAGNE GLASS

FRASIER

And on that note lest we not forget in the chaos why we are here I think it's time for me to give my toast.

FRASIER WALKS OVER TO THE BAND AND TALKS TO THEM. THE MUSIC STOPS PLAYING CAUSING EVERYONE TO LOOK IN THAT DIRECTION AND QUIETEN DOWN

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Ladies and Gentlemen may I have your attention please. For those of you who don't know me I'm the best man and Niles' brother, Dr. Frasier Crane. You may have heard my Seabee award winning radio show on KACL. (SILENCE) Or not, moving on. When I first hired Daphne nearly nine years ago I had no idea that she'd work her way into our hearts let alone end up marrying my brother. In fact for many years I had to practically wrestle Niles away from Daphne. More the fool I. I don't want to say too much this evening since you'll be hearing from me again tomorrow other then to say, congratulations and Dad and I could not be happier for you. Now if you would all raise your glasses and toast to Niles and Daphne.

EVERYONE RAISES THEIR GLASSES AND TURNS TOWARDS NILES AND DAPHNE

EVERYONE

Niles and Daphne.

NILES AND DAPHNE KISS BEFORE SIMON STANDS ON HIS CHAIR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM NEXT TO MRS. MOON

SIMON

Excuse me Frasier do you mind if I just butt in for a moment and say a few quick words?

FRASIER

Not at all Simon.

SIMON

Not that I want to be rude but you're about as interesting as a stick aren't you. Since no one thought to hire any strippers it's up to me try and put some life back into this wake. All I want to say is firstly congratulations to Stilts and Blinky.

ALLISON

Blinky?

NILES

It's a nickname he's so kindly given me.

DAPHNE

Trust me it could be a lot worse.

MRS. MOON

(SHOUTS FROM ACROSS THE ROOM) Randy little sod.

NILES

Like that one for example.

SIMON

But now if you'll let me sidetrack slightly on to a subject a little closer to my heart. Roz Doyle.

ROZ HIDES HER FACE IN HORROR

ROZ

Oh my God, oh my God! Please tell me there's another Roz Doyle in the room.

DAPHNE

There's another Roz Doyle in the room.

ROZ

Really?

DAPHNE

No, sorry.

SIMON

All I want to say to you Roz is 455. That's my room number. Come and see me later. You know you want to darling.

SIMON GETS DOWN OFF HIS CHAIR AS EVERYONE IN THE ROOM CLAPS AND FRASIER WALKS BACK OVER TO THE HEAD TABLE

MRS. MOON

That was lovely Simon. Almost poetry.

ROZ FINALLY LOOKS UP

ROZ

Has he stopped? I'm too scared to remove my fingers from my ears.

FRASIER

It could have been a lot worse Roz.

ROZ

How? The only thing that could have made that worse is if he had smothered himself in bar-be-cue sauce put a rose between his teeth and hurled himself across the table at me.

FRASIER

Then at least you've got something to be grateful for.

NILES

And there's an image I'll have to try to repress later.

STEPHEN APPROACHES THE TABLE LOOKING CLOSELY AT THE FLOOR AS HE GOES

STEPHEN

You haven't by any chance seen an eye rolling around the floor have you?

MARTIN

Not since I stopped working vice. Then they generally didn't roll, once they popped out they were pretty sticky.

FRASIER

You know Dad there is such a thing as too much information.

NILES

Why would there be an eye rolling around the floor?

STEPHEN

Audrey's lost hers.

DAPHNE

Does she know where about?

STEPHEN

It could be anywhere. She has a cold, she's been having violent sneezing fits all night. It was only a matter of time before it flew out and actually had someone else's eye out. It could have popped out at any time.

DAPHNE

Do you want us to help you look for it?

STEPHEN

Would you be a dear? The bloody thing cost me a fortune. I'd have to sell one of my kidney's to get another one.

ALLISON STARTS TO LAUGH AS STEPHEN MOVES AWAY CHECKING THE FLOOR

FRASIER

He's not kidding.

EVERYONE STANDS AND STARTS TO SEARCH THE FLOOR. FRASIER GETS ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES AND STARTS TO SEARCH AROUND PEOPLES FEET UNDER THE TABLES

MARTIN

What rehearsal dinner doesn't end with looking for an eye?

DAPHNE

If Simon had his way it would end with strippers.

ROZ

It could have rolled anywhere.

FRASIER STARTS TO LOOK UNDER THE TABLE WHICH LILITH AND FREDDIE ARE SEATED AT

LILITH

What is that? Frasier why are you touching my leg?

FRASIER

I'm looking for a glass eye.

LILITH

I see. Frasier there's no need to lie to me. The first step in overcoming re-emerging emotions is to firstly admit that they exist.

FRASIER

No Lilith I'm really looking for a glass eye.

FRASIER GETS UP OFF THE FLOOR AS MARTIN PICKS SOMETHING UP OFF THE TABLE

MARTIN

I think I found it.

NILES

That's a crystal saltshaker Dad. When you add this to Daphne's Uncle I think it's time you got your eyes checked again.

DAPHNE

We'd better spread out. Stephen and Billy are looking outside and Michael's gone to check her bedroom.

ROZ

I'll go and check outside around the bar. She was running around there earlier.

FRASIER

I'll give you a hand.

FRASIER AND ROZ EXIT THROUGH TO THE BAR

NILES

It might have rolled under one of the tables.

AT THIS POINT NILES AND DAPHNE ARE BOTH STANDING AT OPPOSITE ENDS OF THE HEAD TABLE BEFORE GETTING ON THEIR HANDS AND KNEES AND CRAWLING UNDERNEATH TO LOOK FOR THE EYE. AS THEY TALK THEY CRAWL FURTHER AND FURTHER TOWARDS ONE ANOTHER

DAPHNE

This is just a perfect end to the day.

NILES

Oh it hasn't been all bad.

DAPHNE

Okay let's take a look at the day. You've nearly seen my dress.

NILES

Nearly but didn't.

DAPHNE

The rehearsal dinner has been a farce and you have a black eye.

NILES

Well when you look at it that way it does seem a little chaotic. But we have to look on the bright side of these things. At least I'm not nervous anymore. I've been waiting nine years for this to happen. I don't want to waste a second of it worrying about anything.

DAPHNE

And that's why you've been so relaxed about everything?

NILES

That and the bottle of wine I've drunk. All of this doesn't matter. All that matters is that tomorrow we're going to get married. And nothing, no cats, waiters, fires or glass eyes are going to take that away from us.

DAPHNE

God I love you.

NILES

I'm certainly glad to hear that considering what we're about to do tomorrow. I love you too.

THEY KISS AS MARTIN LIFTS UP THE TABLE CLOTH AND LOOKS AT THEM

MARTIN

I thought we were supposed to be looking for an eye not making out under a table.

DAPHNE

Can't we do both?

SATISFIED THAT IT'S NOT UNDER THAT TABLE NILES AND DAPHNE CRAWL OUT AND STAND UP. NILES QUICKLY TAKES OUT HIS HANDKERCHIEF AND WIPES HIS HANDS AND KNEE CAPS AS THE COORDINATOR APPROACHES THEM

COORDINATOR

Excuse me Dr. Crane, there's a gentleman outside in the bar that would like to speak to you for a moment.

NILES

Thank you.

HE KISSES DAPHNE

NILES (CONT'D)

I'll be right back.

NILES GOES TO EXIT

DAPHNE

(SUGGESTIVELY) Don't be too long there are more tables to look under.

NILES TURNS AND SMILES AT HER BEFORE EXITING INTO THE BAR

RESET TO:

INT. HOTEL BAR — CONTINUOUS

DONNY WAITS BY THE BAR, IN THE ROOM THAT IS EMPTY, PACING UP AND DOWN AS NILES ENTERS. THE SMILE ON NILES' FACE QUICKLY DISAPPEARS AS A SHOCK EXPRESSION APPEARS

NILES

Donny?!

DONNY

Hello Niles. Wow, what happened to your eye?

NILES

All I remember is Daphne's mother and a flying purse hurtling towards my head at break neck speed. The rest is all a blur.

DONNY

That's something I don't miss about Daphne. Her family. And the constant fear and stomach ulcers that comes with them.

NILES

What are you...what are you doing here?

DONNY

I needed to talk to you.

NILES

What about?

DONNY

Can I get you a drink?

NILES

Erm, no thank you. What do you want to talk about?

DONNY

Daphne.

NILES

Listen Donny I know you must still be hurting from what happened but now is neither the time nor the place for this. How did you even find out that we were getting married here?

DONNY

Frasier announced the news nearly every twenty seconds on his show yesterday and I'm not here for me Niles, I'm here for you.

NILES

What are you talking about?

DONNY

I take no pleasure in this Niles.

NILES

Then don't say it.

DONNY

It's about the baby.

NILES

How do you know about the baby?

DONNY

Because it's mine Niles.

A BEAT

NILES

No, no. That's not true. I know that you're still upset and bitter and twisted about what happened but I refuse to have you poison my relationship with Daphne like this. I don't have to listen to this.

NILES STARTS TO WALK BACK TOWARDS THE DINNING ROOM

DONNY

I'm sorry to have to break this to you Niles but I want to stop you from making a big mistake. You deserve more then that.

NILES

I think you should leave Donny.

DONNY

If you don't believe me then just ask Roz, she saw us together.

NILES

Even so Daphne would never do that.

DONNY

Wouldn't she?

NILES

No.

DONNY

She did it to me Niles. Are you forgetting? Two years ago. It's a day I know I'll never forget. I'm sure you feel the same but for a different reason. But this has gone further then that now. I don't want to see you get hurt.

NILES

As apposed to what you're doing now? Donny I want you to leave.

DONNY

Listen I know this hurts. Believe me I know but...

NILES

Donny leave.

THE MANAGER ENTERS FROM ONE OF THE DOORS ON THE BACK WALL

MANAGER

Is everything okay Dr. Crane?

NILES

No. Would you mind escorting Mr. Douglas from the premises? He's an uninvited guest.

DONNY

Fine if you don't want to believe me then that's your decision. But you're making a big mistake Niles.

DONNY EXITS THROUGH ONE OF THE DOORS ON THE BACK WALL WITH THE MANAGER FOLLOWING. NILES SLUMPS DOWN ONTO ONE OF THE BAR STOOLS AND STARES OFF INTO THE DISTANCE

A BEAT

FREDDIE ENTERS FROM THE DINNING ROOM. NILES DOESN'T NOTICE HIM

FREDDIE

Uncle Niles have you found it?

NILES

(QUIETLY) I saw the dress.

FREDDIE

Uncle Niles?

NILES

(SNAPS) What?

FREDDIE

The glass eye. Have you found it?

NILES

Erm...no Freddie I haven't.

NILES STANDS AND STARTS TO PACE THE FLOOR

FREDDIE

Have you checked behind the bar? (PAUSE) Uncle Niles? (PAUSE) Uncle Niles!

NILES

What Freddie?

FREDDIE

Have you checked behind the bar?

NILES

(SHOUTS) No Freddie I have no checked behind the bar. I have not checked underneath the tables and I have not checked in the blender. Now will you leave me alone and stop pestering me?

FREDDIE

Sure Uncle Niles.

FREDDIE EXITS THROUGH ONE OF THE DOORS ON THE BACK WALL AS NILES CONTINUES TO PACE THE FLOOR MUTTERING TO HIMSELF AND WE:

FADE OUT

(E)

FADE IN:

INT. HOTEL BALLROOM — EVENING — NIGHT — DAY/1
(Roz, Frasier, Freddie)

FRASIER AND ROZ SEARCH AN EMPTY BALLROOM. THERE ARE BALLOONS AND GLASSES SPREAD ABOUT FROM WHERE SOME OF THE PARTY GUESTS MUST HAVE BEEN GATHERED BEFORE. THERE IS HARDLY ANY LIGHT IN THERE, WITH JUST A GLOW COMING FROM THE OPEN DOOR ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE AND THE WINDOWS ON THE BACK WALL. FRASIER SEARCHES UNDERNEATH SOME TABLES WHILE ROZ CHECKS THE STAGE AREA ON THE RIGHT HAND SIDE

ROZ

Why are we even looking for this thing in the first place? It's made of glass. Wouldn't it have smashed the moment it hit the floor?

FRASIER

It might not be made out of glass.

ROZ

Hello? It's called a glass eye. What do you think they make it out of? Jello? I can't imagine it's going to look very realistic anyway after it's been shattered into a million pieces, glued back together again and then pushed back in her eye socket.

FRASIER

You don't seem in a particularly good mood tonight Roz.

ROZ

Well why would I Frasier? Look at my life. This weekend has just brought everything home for me.

FRASIER

What are you talking about?

ROZ SLUMPS DOWN ON THE EDGE OF THE STAGE AND PUTS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS

ROZ

I'm nearly forty Frasier. I'm a single parent and I'm alone. Everywhere I look recently there are happy couples all around me. I know it's awful of me and I hate myself for it but I'm really jealous of Daphne right now.

FRASIER

Please don't tell me you have a crush on Niles.

ROZ

Dear God no! Why would you think that?! I may be desperate but I'm not that desperate. I meant because she's so happy, that's all. She's found Niles, a guy who worships the ground she walks on, a guy who would do absolutely anything for her and I just wish I had what she has.

FRASIER SITS DOWN NEXT TO ROZ

FRASIER

That's nothing to feel sorry about Roz.

ROZ

I mean what kind of looser am I to arrive at a wedding single when even you have a date for God's sake?

FRASIER

(OFFENDED) Of course Roz because normally men like me have to blackmail a woman with the threat of extradition to get a date.

ROZ

Frasier I didn't mean it like that.

FRASIER

I suppose it may comes as a surprise to you that I've never attempted to get a mail order bride since I'm so troll like and desperate.

ROZ

I just feel like I'm never going to find anybody.

FRASIER

Come on Roz that's crazy.

ROZ

Is it? Look at the options I have. There's Simon. And...oh my God that's it. The only other guy to show any interest was wearing a dress.

FRASIER

Granted right now things look a little on the bleak side.

ROZ

A little? Prisoners on death row have a brighter future.

FRASIER

Well that's because of the electrical current.

ROZ

I have nothing to offer.

FRASIER

What are you talking about? You have plenty to offer.

ROZ

Like what?

FRASIER

You're kind. You're considerate. You have a wonderful sense of humour. A generous spirit. You handle single motherhood with a grace and beauty that I'm in awe of. You're beautiful Roz.

ROZ

Oh you're just saying that because I'm feeling so sorry for myself.

FRASIER

No honestly Roz. When I first found out that the station had switched producers on me, the main reason I was so stressed out and flustered by it all was because I had no idea how I was going to have a professional relationship with such a beautiful woman.

ROZ

Thank you Frasier.

FRASIER

I mean it. You're everything I've ever looked for in a woman.

ROZ LOOKS UP MEETING FRASIER'S GAZE

A BEAT

ROZ

You're everything I've ever looked for in a man.

AT THE SAME TIME FRASIER AND ROZ BOTH LEAN FORWARD UNTIL THEIR LIPS MEET IN A KISS

A BEAT

FREDDIE ENTERS SUDDENLY CAUSING BOTH FRASIER AND ROZ TO JUMP AND BREAK THE KISS. FRASIER IMMEDIATELY SPRINGS TO HIS FEET UNSURE OF WHAT HAS HAPPENED AND WHAT TO DO

FREDDIE

Dad have you found it?

FRASIER QUICKLY LOOKS ABOUT THE ROOM

FRASIER

No Freddie, it's not in here.

FREDDIE

Do you know what's wrong with Uncle Niles?

FRASIER

What do you mean?

FREDDIE

He's in the bar pacing up and down and muttering to himself. When I asked him if he'd found the glass eye he yelled at me and asked me to leave him alone.

FRASIER

That doesn't sound like Niles.

FRASIER GOES TO EXIT BUT THEN STOPS AND TURNS AROUND TO FACE ROZ

FRASIER (CONT'D)

I'd better go and check on him.

ROZ

Yeah, go and check on him.

FRASIER TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS TOWARDS ROZ

FRASIER

Are you okay?

ROZ

I'm fine. Go on.

FRASIER

I'll be right back.

ROZ

No it's okay I'll come with you.

ROZ STANDS AND FRASIER WAITS FOR HER TO EXIT BEFORE HE FOLLOWS AFTER FREDDIE AS WE:

FADE OUT

(F)

FADE IN:

INT. HOTEL DINNING ROOM — EVENING — NIGHT — DAY/1
(Mrs. Moon, Daphne, Stephen, Simon, Martin, Party Guests)

DAPHNE WALKS ABOUT THE ROOM LOOKING UNDER TABLES AS MRS. MOON FOLLOWS HER WITH A DRINK IN HAND

MRS. MOON

How could you do it to me Daphne? Your own mother?

DAPHNE

Anyone would think I'd put you in a home where you're beaten with a pointy stick everyday and forced to sow mailbags.

MRS. MOON

That would have been easier to accept then this.

DAPHNE

You're the one that's done nothing but complain that I've never given you any Grandchildren.

MRS. MOON

But I meant for you to get married first Daphne.

DAPHNE

But I am getting married first. I'm not going to give birth tonight for heaven's sake. It's a tad too early.

MRS. MOON

You don't care what shame you bring on the family. As if it's not bad enough that we've been forced to find a new church after your brothers got the blame for stealing the collection plate. We'd only just smoothed everything over with the Vicar after Simon was caught in the confession box with that half naked woman on his lap.

DAPHNE

Is there any surprise that the Vicar was upset? It was his wife after all.

MRS. MOON

Ex wife. That woman was a common tart and everyone from the paperboy to the Pope knew it. People are going to think that he's only married you because of the baby.

DAPHNE

But that's not true.

MRS. MOON

And I'm sure the women of the Manchester knitting society will believe that. You know how they gossip. I knew Brian Torrington had that third testicle before he did.

STEPHEN WHO IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM WITH SIMON SHOUTS TO GET EVERYONE'S ATTENTION

STEPHEN

Panic over, we've found it.

SIMON

I said I was sorry. I thought it was an ice cube.

STEPHEN

And you never noticed it was looking at you?

SIMON

Am I supposed to notice everything?

DAPHNE WALKS BACK OVER TO THE HEAD TABLE WHERE MARTIN IS NOW SITTING

DAPHNE

Well at least that problem has been solved.

DAPHNE LOOKS ABOUT THE ROOM

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Have you seen Niles? He's been gone a while.

MARTIN

Oh great now we've lost Niles!

SIMON WALKS PAST AND OVER HEARS

SIMON

I'll check in the pot plants, you look under the tables.

AS SIMON STARTS TO LOOK IN THE PLANT POTS AND OTHER ODD PLACES DAPHNE AND MARTIN JUST STARE AFTER HIM AND WE:

FADE OUT

(G)

FADE IN:

INT. HOTEL BAR — EVENING — NIGHT — DAY/1
(Frasier, Niles, Roz, Freddie, Martin, Robert)

NILES PACES UP AND DOWN THE EMPTY BAR STILL MUTTERING TO HIMSELF AS FRASIER, ROZ AND FREDDIE ENTER FROM ONE OF THE DOORS ON THE BACK WALL. NILES DOESN'T SEEM TO NOTICE THEM AGAIN AND FRASIER IS RATHER HESITANT ABOUT APPROACHING HIM

FRASIER

Niles what's going on?

A BEAT

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Niles?

A BEAT

FRASIER (CONT'D)

(SHOUTS) Niles!

NILES STOPS PACING AND SPINS AROUND TO FACE THEM RATHER FRUSTRATEDLY

NILES

What?!

FRASIER

What's happened?

NILES

Donny was here.

NILES STARTS TO PACE AGAIN AS EVERYONE ELSE LOOKS A LITTLE SHOCKED

ROZ

What? What did he want?

NILES

Oh I think you can guess.

FRASIER

Freddie can you give us a moment please?

FREDDIE

But...

FRASIER

(FORCEFULLY) Freddie will you go back into the dinning room please?

FREDDIE

Sure.

FREDDIE RATHER RELUCTANTLY EXITS BACK INTO THE DINNING ROOM

FRASIER

Okay now what's going on?

NILES

Donny has just been here to see me.

FRASIER

How did he even know you were here?

NILES

Apparently it was repeatedly broadcast on your show yesterday.

FRASIER

(REALISING GUILTILY) Ah.

NILES

The manager said that there's also a guy hanging around the reception who wants to cut your toenails.

FRASIER

Well that's the last time I announce my weekend plans on the air.

ROZ

I did tell you.

FRASIER

What did Donny want?

NILES

To prevent me from making a mistake.

FRASIER

Just forget about it Niles. He's obviously still bitter and upset and if you let him get to you like this then he's already won.

NILES

He says that the baby is his.

A BEAT

ROZ

What?

FRASIER

That's ridiculous Niles. He's just after some sort of shallow revenge.

NILES

Maybe but how did he even know Daphne was pregnant?

FRASIER

(ONCE AGAIN GUILTILY) Oh sorry. What? I'm excited I'm going to be an Uncle. How was I supposed to know that Donny listens to my show?

NILES

I can understand your surprise it's a miracle anyone listens to it.

MARTIN ENTERS FROM THE DINNING ROOM

MARTIN

It's all right we've found it. Simon had it in his drink. I think we can all be thankful that he didn't swallow it. (NOTICING THE TENSE ATMOSPHERE) What's going on?

FRASIER

Donny has just been here.

MARTIN

What did he want?

NILES

To tell me that the baby is his.

MARTIN

Don't you go believing a word of that son. He's just trying to drive a wedge between the two of you.

NILES

Then he's done a remarkable job of it.

FRASIER

There's not even a shred of evidence to prove that she's even seen Donny in the last two years let alone had any sort of relationship with him. Am I right Roz?

ROZ LOOKS AT HER FEET

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Roz?

A BEAT

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Roz?

NILES SEES ROZ'S BODY LANGUAGE AND STARES AT HER WAITING FOR AN ANSWER

ROZ

What?

NILES

What is it Roz? What do you know?

ROZ

Nothing. I don't know anything.

NILES

Roz don't lie to me. You obviously know something. Roz? Tell me. (SHOUTS) Tell me!

ROZ

I saw them.

FRASIER

What?

NILES

Saw them where?

ROZ

It's when we last went to the Fox and Whistle. You left early. I left Daphne there but came back to get my coat and they were there.

NILES

Oh my God!

MARTIN

Niles that doesn't mean anything.

NILES

If it doesn't mean anything then why didn't she tell me?

FRASIER

Probably because she knew you'd react just like this.

ROZ

What are you going to do?

NILES

I don't know.

MARTIN

Don't tell me you believe this crap.

NILES

Well why wouldn't I Dad? Roz saw them together. Daphne kept it from me. And doesn't this explain why she was so afraid to tell me that she was pregnant in the first place?

FRASIER

I'll admit this looks bad but I'm sure if you just talk to her you'll see that...

NILES

No. I don't want to talk to her. The weddings off.

FRASIER

Niles now before you do something you'll regret...

NILES

I don't need a lecture Frasier. I just want to be left alone.

NILES GOES TO EXIT TOWARDS ONE OF THE DOORS ON THE BACK WALL

FRASIER

What do we tell Daphne?

NILES

Try the truth.

NILES EXITS AS EVERYONE ELSE JUST STARES AFTER HIM

NILES (CONT'D)

(OFF STAGE) Uncle Robert will you get off me! I don't need any make-up.

UNCLE ROBERT ENTERS FROM THE SAME DOOR THAT NILES LEFT THROUGH CARRYING SOME LIP GLOSS

ROBERT

But he's so pale.

AS FRASIER, ROZ AND MARTIN ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN A STATE OF SHOCK WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO END OF SEASON NINE

CLOSING CREDITS: WE MOVE ACROSS FRASIER'S DARKENED LIVING ROOM. THE ONLY LIGHT COMES FROM THE SKYLINE THAT TWINKLES IN THE DISTANCE