I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
Okay here it is, the very last one. I've completed two seasons and I'm now officially hanging up my keyboard. But before I depart I just want to thank everyone who has sent me feedback over the course of the season, in no particular order: Jodie Haldeman, Elaine Getchell, Pete Harris, Charlotte Etchells, Vick Pena, Gerry, Sarah, Elizabeth, Diana, Marissa, Megan Traxler, Rosalie Andaya, Mumbles125, Daniela Grech, Lydia Gardner, Beryl Marsh, Olli Ritvanen, Gillian Earthy, Joy, Casey, Carolyn Morrisey, Amanda Baker, Fern Fellowes, Cassandra Adams, Chris Crane, Mystical1735, Sydney, Misti Badgett, Papa Drew, Amanda Ramirez, Brandi, Sarah Snapefan, Heather, Allison, Amy. Thank you very much for your feedback but just because this is the last one doesn't mean you have to stop now, so please send any comments to kelly_simba@hotmail.com
Thank you to Chris for my language lessons.
For my dear Grandad Lewis. You are forever in my thoughts and I know that you are going to get through this. You mean the world to me.
One final thing, if at the end of this you go "What? How?" I suggest you read the final scene from episode 18 Wives And Lovers.
Enjoy...
Alternative Season Nine Episode Twenty-Four
Some Unenchanted Evening
By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)
ACT ONE(A)
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY — DAY/1
(Martin, Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Roz, Eddie)
MARTIN STANDS AND STROKES EDDIE, WHO LIES ON THE COUCH, FROM BEHIND THE CONSOLE AS FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM CARRYING AN OVERNIGHT BAG. FRASIER PLACES THE BAG ON THE FLOOR BY THE ISLAND BEFORE LOOKING THROUGH ANOTHER BAG ON MARTIN'S CHAIR. THERE ARE TWO GARMENT BAGS OVER THE ARM OF THE COUCH
MARTIN
(SORROWFULLY TO EDDIE) Oh don't look at me like that boy. I don't want this to happen. It's not my fault. I've done everything I can for you. Blame Frasier.
FRASIER
Oh for God's sake Dad pull yourself together! He's going to a four star luxury kennel and doggy spa for two nights not facing the electric chair.
MARTIN
Why do we have to take Eddie to a dirty kennel anyway? He'll come back infested with fleas.
FRASIER
Dad Bark Avenue is the most exclusive kennel in town. There's a six-week waiting list. Thank God Cornel Adams' Beagle Snuggles was struck by lighting last week otherwise he wouldn't be going at all. There he'll be treated like a spoiled child. A team of dedicated professionals will cater for his every whim. If I thought for a second they'd take me instead I'd go. And anyway that dog is practically a walking flea circus as it is. You can actually see a little tight rope and a trapeze connected from his head to his tail. If you ask me it's the other dogs that should worry.
MARTIN
Well he could come back with something a lot worse then fleas.
FRASIER
Oh yes he could just come back at all.
MARTIN
If I were you I should watch what I say about him when he's in the same room. Eddie never forgets. He knows where you sleep and his teeth are as sharp as little tiny daggers when they dig into sensitive areas of skin. (THEN) Can't he just stay here?
FRASIER
Alone?
MARTIN
What are you worrying about? He's not going to be throwing any wild parties. He's a dog. There are no doggy orgy's planned for the weekend. He hasn't been handing out invitations down at the dog park to all of his friends. To start with he can't reach the phone to order the personalised stationary and he has trouble holding a corkscrew and a bottle of wine at the same time.
FRASIER
But what about my carpet? Unless I'm mistaken Dad he doesn't actually have a bladder the size of a barrage balloon. Sooner or later he will explode and as much as I'd like to see that happen, I don't particularly want the mess all over my clean carpet.
MARTIN
I told you Mrs. Sugden from across the hall has agreed to stop by and walk him twice a day.
FRASIER
I am not having that woman in my house.
MARTIN
Oh you are such a snob.
FRASIER
Snobbery has nothing to do with it. We're talking about a seventy-year-old woman who has spent the vast majority of her adult life behind bars on various assault and burglary charges.
MARTIN
Don't worry about it that was just a vicious rumour. She was convicted of attempted murder and j-walking not burglary. She's not a thief.
FRASIER
Oh well that takes a load off my mind, thank you so much. Are you forgetting that when she opens her door you can see the welcome mat and several pot plants that went missing from the lobby a few weeks ago? I'm surprised she hasn't kidnapped the doorman to answer her door for her. Hell I'm afraid to stand too near to her in the elevator in case she takes one of my vital organs.
MARTIN
That's just something she picked up on the inside.
FRASIER
Well thank you very much the American legal system. For the last time the answer is no. The case is closed. Just be grateful that I'm taking him to a kennel rather then to the dog pound.
MARTIN
Then can't he come with us? He's got a little tux he could wear during the ceremony.
FRASIER
I'm sure Niles and Daphne don't want a small fur covered colon sent marking the aisle and trying to romance the minister's leg while they're saying their vows. I'm not sure the minister would be too impressed either.
MARTIN
Oh fine. I should just be happy you haven't tied him to a tree with a piece of rope and left him there with a ten-pound bag of dog chow.
MARTIN PICKS UP ONE OF THE GARMENT BAGS AND TAKES OUT HIS SHARK SKIN SUIT
FRASIER
There's still plenty of time yet. To do that to you as well as Eddie. Wait a second. (RE: SUIT) What is that?
MARTIN
What is what?
FRASIER
That...that...thing that you're holding.
MARTIN
It's my suit.
FRASIER
You're not taking that with you.
MARTIN
Of course I am.
FRASIER
No that wasn't a question that was a statement. You are not taking that with you.
MARTIN
Why not?
FRASIER
You already have a suit for tomorrow.
MARTIN
But this one is for the rehearsal dinner tonight. I don't have a date for the wedding and this suit is a sure fire lady-killer.
FRASIER
Only if it was made from the actual shark out of Jaws Dad.
MARTIN
I'm serious. This is the suit I wore when I first asked Sherry out on a date. It's lucky.
SFX: DOORBELL
FRASIER
Oh dear God. Burn it, burn it now. Just hold it near a naked flame I'm sure it would ignite itself.
FRASIER CROSSES TO ANSWER THE FRONT DOOR AND NILES ENTERS
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Ah and here's the bridegroom. Good morning Niles.
FRASIER AND NILES HUG
NILES
Morning Frasier, Dad...(RE: SUIT) what is that?
MARTIN
My sharkskin suit.
NILES
But why?
MARTIN
But why what?
NILES
Just in general, why? What happened to the suit we bought you? The one that didn't need an emergency appointment with an Exorcist.
MARTIN
This one is for the rehearsal dinner tonight.
FRASIER
Apparently it's lucky. He was wearing it the night he asked Sherry out for the first time. Do you want to beat it out of his hand and hit it with a stick or shall I?
NILES
What?!? Do you want to completely jinx me the day before my wedding? Why don't you just give me a mirror to smash and a black cat to run over? Get that devil-possessed thing away from me now before I start to loose all feeling in my legs.
NILES SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH NEXT TO EDDIE WHO JUMPS UP AND STARTS TO BARK AT MARTIN'S SUIT
FRASIER
See even Eddie's barking at it. And dogs can sense evil.
MARTIN
That's probably why he howls at Lilith. Oh all right fine I'll find another one.
MARTIN EXITS TOWARDS HIS ROOM WITH HIS SUIT AS FRASIER STARTS TO LOOK THROUGH HIS BAG ON MARTIN'S CHAIR
NILES
If he brings out his flannel suit with the large buffet pockets I say we sedate him until it's time to get ready for the ceremony.
FRASIER
Agreed. Well apart from Dad picking out an appropriate suit, which may take some time and possible a bribe, I think we're about ready to leave. So how are you feeling Niles? Nervous?
NILES
(OVER THE TOP) No I'm not nervous. I'm fine. I'm like a rock. Not a nerve in sight. Nervous? Ha! (THEN WITHOUT PAUSING TO BREATH) I ate an entire bag of Oreo's this morning in between stepping out of the shower and actually reaching for a towel without taking a breath. Do you think that means I'm a tiny bit nervous?
FRASIER
(SURPRISED) Oh just a tad. It also means you're acting like an eleven year old girl at her first slumber party.
NILES
Do you think I should start to be concerned over this?
FRASIER
Only if you decide to paint your toenails and then walk up the aisle wearing teddy bear pyjamas before proceeding to beat Daphne about the head with a pillow instead of saying your vows.
NILES
I also have a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach.
FRASIER
Oh they're just butterflies. I had them when I married Lilith. I only wish I'd listen to them now and ran towards the hills screaming for my life.
NILES
Then they must be some sort of giant genetically engineered butterflies. The way they are flying around I feel as sick as a dog.
FRASIER
That may have something to do with the bag of Oreo's.
NILES
No I was feeling like this before then. Even before I ate a bowl of bran flakes and a pizza for breakfast.
FRASIER
You ate a pizza? For breakfast?
NILES
I've already told you I'm nervous. What more do you do you want from me?
FRASIER
I'm sorry Niles I just don't understand why you are feeling this nervous in the first place. What do you think is going to happen? Do you think Daphne's going to jilt you at the alter?
NILES
(PANIC STRICKEN) Oh my God I hadn't even thought of that!
FRASIER RUSHES OVER TO SIT NEXT TO NILES AND PUSHES HIS HEAD BETWEEN HIS LEGS
FRASIER
Just breathe, breathe. Everything will go fine. Don't worry about it. Although if I were you I wouldn't tell Daphne that you're likely to throw up on her shoes that's if you don't eat them first.
NILES BEGINS TO CALM DOWN AND LIFTS HIS HEAD
NILES
A point duly noted.
FRASIER
Would you like a glass of sherry to help settle the nerves?
FRASIER GETS UP AND WALKS TO THE BAR TO POUR A DRINK
NILES
At this point I don't think a glass is going to do it. Try filling Puget Sound full of it and you may get me down to the level of only being so nervous I may wet myself.
FRASIER
In that case then I really don't think you should be sitting on my expensive suede couch.
DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER BEDROOM
DAPHNE
Niles! Hello sweetheart. I didn't hear you arrive.
NILES STANDS TO GREET HER AND THEY MEET AT THE ISLAND
NILES
I just got here.
THEY KISS
NILES (CONT'D)
You look beautiful. Are you ready to go?
NILES LEADS DAPHNE TO THE COUCH AND THEY BOTH SIT DOWN
DAPHNE
Nearly. I just have one or two other things to take care of before we go. Like finding some live mice to tempt me mother with.
FRASIER
So how are you feeling today Daphne?
NILES STARTS TO FIDGET IN HIS SEAT WHICH DOESN'T GO UNNOTICED BY DAPHNE
DAPHNE
I must admit I'm feeling a little bit nervous. But I'm more excited then anything. I can't believe we're finally going to get married tomorrow. Niles are you feeling okay? You're fidgeting like you're sitting on a bed of feathers.
TO STOP FROM FIDGETING IN HIS SEAT NILES STARTS TO PET EDDIE INSTEAD BUT AS NILES IS NOW SHAKING FROM HIS NERVES EDDIE LOOKS AS IF HE IS SHAKING AS WELL
NILES
Me? Oh I'm more then okay. I'm fine.
DAPHNE
Why is Eddie trembling?
NILES
Is he?
NILES TURNS TO LOOK AT EDDIE AND REALISING THAT HE IS MAKING HIM SHAKE PULLS HIS HAND AWAY
NILES (CONT'D)
Oh he must be coming down with something. Doggy flu.
DAPHNE
Are you sure you're okay?
FRASIER PLACES A GLASS OF SHERRY IN FRONT OF NILES BEFORE SITTING DOWN ON THE ARM OF MARTIN'S CHAIR
NILES
I'm fine.
NILES PICKS UP THE GLASS AND KNOCKS BACK THE SHERRY IN ONE. DAPHNE UNDERSTANDABLY LOOKS A LITTLE CONCERNED AT NILES
NILES (CONT'D)
What? It's a tiny glass.
DAPHNE
Yes and you nearly swallowed it whole. Can I have a word with you in the kitchen please? Come and help me make some sandwiches for the car journey.
DAPHNE TAKES NILES' HAND AND THEY BOTH EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN. MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM CARRYING A FLANNEL SUIT. WHEN EDDIE SEES HIM HE IMMEDIATELY RUNS TOWARDS HIM
FRASIER
No!
MARTIN
But they've got an elasticated waistband.
FRASIER
So do giant florescent clown pants but you're not wearing any of those either.
MARTIN
Fine.
MARTIN THEN TAKES OUT A TINY BOW TIE AND SHIRT COLLAR FROM HIS POCKET AND GIVES IT TO EDDIE WHO THEN RUNS OVER THE FRASIER
FRASIER
And no to you too.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE STANDS BY THE ISLAND MAKING SOME SANDWICHES AS NILES JUST HOVERS NEXT TO HER
DAPHNE
Okay now what's the matter?
NILES
(HIS VOICE EXTREMELY HIGH PITCHED) Nothing. Nothing at all. Nothing's the matter. Why would you think that? I'm fine. Honestly. There's nothing wrong. What makes you think something is wrong?
DAPHNE
The fact that your voice has gone so high it could be mistaken for a cat with its privates caught in an antique mangle might have tipped me off doctor.
NILES
Well that's just a change of image I'm trying. Some people think I sound too butch and threatening. I come across as intimidating.
DAPHNE STOPS WHAT SHE'S DOING AND TURNS TO FACE NILES
DAPHNE
Niles honey I love you more then anything in the world but you couldn't intimidate a squirrel. Give me your hand.
DAPHNE TAKES NILES' HANDS IN HERS WHICH ARE STILL SHAKING
NILES
(COVERING) It is awfully chilly in here.
DAPHNE
Nice try but you'd think as a doctor you'd be able to come up with something better then that. What's going on?
NILES
I may be just a little bit nervous.
DAPHNE
A little?
NILES
Oh all right a lot. It's starting to affect my vision. I thought I saw you in the lobby. The doorman told me I was groping a ficus tree.
DAPHNE
Why are you feeling nervous? Is it me family?
NILES
Why would it be your family?
DAPHNE
Because they're about to descend upon us like a plague of locusts and there's nothing we can do about it. They're also a little mad at you for knocking me up before the wedding. Mum would kill you immediately with the first thing she could lay her hands on if it weren't for the fact that she wants to see me married before she dies and me brothers are determined to burn you in your bed.
NILES
Okay well that is a little worrying.
DAPHNE
Just to be on the safe side, you'd better hide when we get there until I find out what sort of mood she's in. If she's swearing like a soldier, carrying a pitchfork and a pair of pliers she's in a good mood and you should be okay.
NILES
What if she's in a dark mood?
DAPHNE
Then just remember I love you and you won't feel a thing until you reach the gates of heaven. Now what's really worrying you?
NILES
Well apart from that, I've just never been so close to getting everything I ever wanted. I'm afraid that someone is going to snatch it away from me.
DAPHNE LETS GO OF HIS HANDS AND PUTS HER ARMS AROUND HIS WAIST
DAPHNE
Listen, no one is going to snatch it away from you. This time tomorrow I'm going to marry you and have everything I've ever wanted. Okay?
NILES
Okay.
DAPHNE
And if a case of nerves is the worst thing that happens this weekend then we'll have got off lightly.
NILES
Trust me this weekend will be perfect, because you're there.
THEY KISS
DAPHNE
Have you been eating a pizza this morning?
BEFORE HE CAN ANSWER EDDIE COMES RUNNING IN WEARING HIS LITTLE TUX
NILES / DAPHNE
No!
SFX: DOORBELL
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER CROSSES TO OPEN THE DOOR AS ROZ ENTERS
FRASIER
Oh hi Roz. I didn't expect to see you this morning.
ROZ
Hi Frasier I'm glad I caught you. I just thought I'd come by on the slim hope that Allison might have come to her senses and dumped you last night.
FRASIER
No she didn't Roz and thanks once again for the daily shot of confidence.
ROZ SLUMPS DOWN ON THE COUCH
ROZ
Damn.
FRASIER
You still don't have a date for the wedding?
ROZ
Shhhh. Don't say it out loud people will hear.
AS FRASIER ZIPS UP HIS BAG ON MARTIN'S CHAIR NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN
NILES
You don't have a date?
ROZ
Thanks Frasier.
FRASIER
They would have found out eventually. There are only so many times you can fool your friends into believing that they keep missing your imaginary boyfriend because he's in the bathroom or using the phone, while La Traviata plays quietly in the background and you sigh hopelessly before finishing yet another glass of champagne.
NILES
I knew Kerry didn't exist!
FRASIER
Oh let it go Niles it was four years ago.
DAPHNE
You really don't have a date?
DAPHNE SITS DOWN NEXT TO ROZ AS NILES STANDS WITH FRASIER
NILES
I see you've finally managed to sleep with every single man in the state of Washington.
FRASIER
Most of them weren't single.
ROZ
No. I just couldn't find a man.
NILES
Are they hiding from you or has every other man on the planet suddenly died except us?
ROZ
I don't know what the problem is. I kept hoping that if I didn't admit it, it wouldn't be true. But I need to go with someone, and Frasier already has a date. Oh I know. Niles?
NILES
As flattered, as I am Roz by your offer it's generally frowned upon to take a date to your wedding that's not your fiancée.
FRASIER
Hey I've got an idea.
ROZ
I appreciate it Frasier but I really can't let you go spending money hiring a gigolo for me.
FRASIER
That's not what I was suggesting.
ROZ
Why not? How cheap are you?
FRASIER
I was going to say the same thing about you. Why don't you just go with Dad? He's going stag.
MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM CARRYING A BROWN SUIT
MARTIN
What about me?
FRASIER
Look neither of you have a date and you'll both be sitting at the head table anyway. At least this way you'll both have someone to dance with while you check out the talent. That way you'll be able to drive up with us as well.
MARTIN
I don't have a problem with it. Roz?
ROZ
But everyone with think that I'm some sort of gold digger.
NILES
Not with Dad in that suit they won't.
AS MARTIN TURNS TO HEAD BACK TO HIS ROOM TO LOOK FOR YET ANOTHER SUIT WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
TITLE CARD: "LOOK OUT THE BRITS ARE COMING"
FADE IN:
INT. HOTEL RECEPTION — AFTERNOON — DAY — DAY/1
(Coordinator, Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Roz, Martin, Allison, Bellboy,
Receptionist, Mrs. Moon, Simon)
THE HOTEL'S WEDDING COORDINATOR LEADS A HAND IN HAND NILES AND DAPHNE THROUGH A DOOR ON THE FAR LEFT OF THE ROOM INTO THE RECEPTION AREA. THE RECEPTION AREA LOOKS VERY NICE FILLED WITH FRESH FLOWERS. ON THE RIGHT HAND SIDE IS THE DESK AND BEYOND THAT A DOOR LEADING TO THE REST OF THE HOTEL. AT THE FRONT LEFT HAND SIDE OF THE ROOM IS THE ENTRANCE AND NEXT TO THAT THE COAT CHECK AND THE RESTROOMS. THERE ARE SUITCASES ALL ABOUT THE DESK WAITING TO BE TAKEN UP TO THEIR ROOMS. A RECEPTIONIST POTTERS BACK BEHIND THE DESK
COORDINATOR
I'm so sorry about that. I had no idea that short cut took us through the boiler room. At least you won't need a facial now.
NILES
What was that gnawing on the electrical cables?
COORDINATOR
That was just a very thin cat with a bald tail.
DAPHNE
It looked like a rat.
COORDINATOR
And moving swiftly on, we'll complete our tour in this room, the...erm. The...erm. Oh no. It's time to get the old map and compass out again. Forgive me but I haven't been working here long.
THE COORDINATOR TAKES OUT A PIECE OF PAPER AND EXAMINES IT
DAPHNE
Really? We'd never have known. Exactly how long have you been working here?
COORDINATOR
For just over three weeks now.
NILES
Well you know your way around like you've been working here for about three minutes.
DAPHNE GIVES NILES A QUICK SLAP ON THE ARM
NILES (CONT'D)
Where did you work before you came here?
COORDINATOR
A lovely little jungle themed bed and breakfast outside of town they doubled as a boarding house for...ladies of the night shall we say. Everyone had to wear camouflage outfits with large snakes wrapped around our necks. It was very tastefully done. Okay I confess I have no idea what room this is.
DAPHNE
I think this is the reception.
COORDINATOR
What makes you think that?
DAPHNE
The sign that says reception.
COORDINATOR
Okay and this is the reception area. Have you seen it?
NILES
Yes we did, when we arrived.
COORDINATOR
Oh so you did. I'm that used to seeing sweaty builders pulling up their pants, weighed down with their tool belts doing the plastering in here, it's disorientating to see the room without them. Forgive me I'm a little nervous. You see this is my first wedding reception.
DAPHNE
Oh well I'm sure you'll do fine.
COORDINATOR
Oh thank you. I needed a shot of confidence. Either that or a shot of Bourbon. But maybe you can help me on one thing. Do you rub yourselves with the juice from the boiled pigs head before or after the ceremony? (PAUSE) I'm kidding. That was a joke.
NILES STARTS TO LOOK QUITE PALE
NILES
And how funny it was too. Excuse me please I think I need to see a paramedic.
COORDINATOR
That's very funny.
NILES
(TO DAPHNE) She thinks I'm joking.
COORDINATOR
Okay well can I reserve you both a table at our restaurant for tonight or are you going into town?
DAPHNE
No thank you, we're having a rehearsal dinner.
COORDINATOR
(CONFUSED) Are you?
NILES
It's been booked for months now by your predecessor.
COORDINATOR
(COVERING) Oh so you have now I remember her telling me about it. (GUESSING) It was for twenty people?
DAPHNE
Ninety-eight.
COORDINATOR
Ah yes. We may need to add a couple of extra places. Well I'll get right to that.
THE COORDINATOR RUSHES AND EXITS THROUGH THE DOOR NEXT TO THE RECEPTION DESK AS NILES AND DAPHNE JUST STARE AFTER HER
COORDINATOR (CONT'D)
(OFF STAGE) Oh my God! It's okay. Nothing to worry about. I just saw that cat again.
DAPHNE TURNS TO NILES PANICKING
DAPHNE
Oh my God, this place has developed into a death trap and that insane woman doesn't have the rehearsal dinner planned.
NILES PLACES HIS HANDS ON HER SHOULDERS TO REASSURE HER
NILES
It'll be fine. Trust me.
DAPHNE
But what if she's got a Christening organised instead of a wedding? While everyone else sings hymns you'll be grabbed by the back of your neck and dunked under water.
NILES
I'm sure whoever was in charge before has seen to everything. Now relax, the pair of you. That's doctor's orders. Would you feel better if I went and checked everything out?
DAPHNE
Much. Thank you.
THEY KISS
NILES
Okay. I'll be right back.
NILES EXITS FOLLOWING THE COORDINATOR AS FRASIER AND MARTIN ENTER THROUGH THE MAIN ENTRANCE
FRASIER
How on earth did you manage to get here so quickly? We left Seattle at least twenty minutes before you did. We didn't even stop for a bathroom break.
ROZ ENTERS RUNNING THROUGH THE MAIN ENTRANCE AND HEADS STRAIGHT FOR THE BATHROOM
ROZ
Get out of my way I have to pee.
ROZ EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM AS A BELLBOY ENTERS THROUGH THE MAIN ENTRANCE PUSHING A CART WITH THEIR LUGGAGE ON
MARTIN
It's probably because you drive as fast as an old lady looking for a parking space outside the grocery store.
FRASIER
I do not.
MARTIN
Frasier an old man in an electric cart passed us a while back.
FRASIER
That's only because I braked to miss a pigeon.
MARTIN
For three hours on the highway? I could have rode on Eddie all the way here, stopped for a moonlit berry picking expedition and still have beaten you.
ALLISON ENTERS THROUGH THE MAIN ENTRANCE CARRYING DAPHNE'S WEDDING DRESS
ALLISON
Daphne here's your dress what shall I...?
NILES ENTERS FROM BY THE RECEPTION DESK
NILES
Okay everything is arranged as planned.
DAPHNE
Oh my God! Shut your eyes?
NILES
(CONFUSED) What?
DAPHNE
Shut your eyes!
SINCE NILES IS COMPLETELY UNCLEAR ON WHAT IS GOING ON DAPHNE GRABS HIM AND KISSES HIM BEFORE TURNING HIM AROUND AND FACING AWAY FROM THE WEDDING DRESS. ROZ ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM
ROZ
What's going on?
ALLISON
I forgot! I didn't realise he'd be in here. It's bad luck for the groom to see the dress before the wedding.
DAPHNE BREAKS THE KISS AND PUTS HER HEAD ON NILES' SHOULDER SO SHE CAN SEE WHAT'S GOING ON
FRASIER
I wouldn't be too sure that's what's going on.
DAPHNE
Take it away somewhere.
ALLISON
Here take it.
ALLISON GIVES IT TO FRASIER
FRASIER
I don't want it. Roz you have it.
ROZ WON'T TOUCH IT AND HOLDS HER HANDS IN THE AIR
ROZ
What do I want with it? Give it to Martin.
DAPHNE
It's not a bomb you know. You won't have pieces of sequin and pearl shrapnel embedded in your leg if you're the last one to touch it.
NILES
Can you just hide it somewhere please. Not that I mind spending the rest of my life like this, it is after all very comfortable but it will make it harder to go to the bathroom.
BELLBOY
Shall I put it in your room for you Ma'am?
DAPHNE
Yes thank you.
THE BELLBOY TAKES THE DRESS AND EXITS THROUGH THE DOOR NEXT TO THE RECEPTION DESK
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Okay and you're free again.
DAPHNE LETS GO OF NILES AND HE TURNS TO FACE THE REST OF THE GROUP BEFORE TAKING DAPHNE'S HAND
FRASIER
Well now that crisis is over, and Daphne has burst my eardrums with her screaming we have a reservation for Crane. Frasier Crane.
FRASIER AND ALLISON MOVE OVER TO THE RECEPTION DESK
RECEPTIONIST
You do?
FRASIER
Yes. There's no need to sound quite so surprised about it.
RECEPTIONIST
I don't have anything on the books Sir.
FRASIER
Excuse me?
RECEPTIONIST
We have a twelve o'clock final check in policy unless we receive phone confirmation. We're overbooked and you were late arriving so it seems we gave your room to another guest.
MARTIN
You had to break for that pigeon.
FRASIER
Who has the room?
THE RECEPTIONIST POINTS ACROSS THE ROOM AT NILES AND DAPHNE
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Niles? I don't believe this. Give it back!
NILES
What? You can't be serious? You'd have us give up our room the night before our wedding?
MARTIN MOVES TOWARDS THE DESK
MARTIN
Do you have my room? Martin Crane.
RECEPTIONIST
Erm...yes we have. Thank you for calling this morning. Would you like to check in now Sir?
FRASIER
But what about me?
NILES
I'm sure they'll have another room.
RECEPTIONIST
Actually we're fully booked tonight. We have four wedding parties here this weekend, including yours.
FRASIER
Then what do we do now?
ROZ
In your case whine seems to be the most obvious answer.
ROZ LEANS UP THE BAGGAGE CART BY THE BATHROOM
FRASIER
Roz!
ROZ
What?
FRASIER
I have an idea. Since you've arrived as Dad's date why don't you sleep in Dad's room and Allison and I can have your room?
ROZ
Why don't you just go insane? Oh look you already have.
FRASIER
Is that a no?
ROZ
You catch on quick smart man.
FRASIER
Then where are we supposed to sleep?
MARTIN
How about my Winnebago when Simon and the rest of Daphne's family get here?
FRASIER
And how about you never speak again?
ROZ
What's wrong with that idea?
FRASIER
You expect me to shack up in a Winnebago in a parking lot? Why not just hang a couple of gophers off the back and hire me a bigheaded banjo boy to serenade us?
ALLISON
Well while you spend the rest of the day complaining I'll be relaxing later in the Winnebago. Thanks Martin.
MRS. MOON ENTERS THROUGH THE MAIN ENTRANCE FOLLOWED BY SIMON. MRS. MOON IS DRESSED ALL IN BLACK WITH A VAIL LIKE SHE'S ATTENDING A FUNERAL. AS SOON AS NILES SEES HER HE RUNS AND HIDES BEHIND FRASIER AND MARTIN UP AGAINST THE RECEPTION DESK
MRS. MOON
Well I'm here for this bloody thing. God knows why.
DAPHNE
Mum! It's so good to see you! You look...great!
DAPHNE HUGS HER MOTHER AS SHE GESTURES FOR NILES TO HIDE
NILES
Quick hide me before she kills me.
MARTIN
You can't hide from her for the whole weekend. It's not traditional to wear an invisibility blanket at the alter you know.
NILES
Want to bet?
ROZ
I love this outfit. Did you stop off at a funeral on the way from the airport?
MRS. MOON LOOKS ROZ'S SLIGHTLY SHORT SKIRT UP AND DOWN
MRS. MOON
No I didn't, did you stop off down at the docks?
FRASIER
And now the pleasantries are out of the way.
SIMON WONDERS OVER TO ROZ
SIMON
Hello there Rose. You're looking particularly fine today if I do say so myself. (TO DAPHNE) Oh hello Stilts.
ROZ
Oh God!
SIMON
If I have my way that won't be the last time you say that this weekend.
ROZ STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS THE DOOR BY THE RECEPTION DESK
FRASIER
Where are you going?
ROZ
To scrape myself up a date before I do someone really stupid.
ROZ EXITS
ALLISON
Don't you mean something stupid?
FRASIER
Trust me she meant someone.
DAPHNE
Mum you remember Dr. Crane and Mr. Crane?
MARTIN LEANS FORWARD WHILE STILL TRYING TO HIDE NILES TO SHAKE HANDS
MARTIN
It's great to see you again Mrs. Moon.
MRS. MOON
You obviously don't get out a lot.
FRASIER
Mrs. Moon can I introduce you to Allison my girlfriend.
ALLISON GOES TO SHAKE HANDS
FRASIER (CONT'D)
(SOTTO TO ALLISON) Don't shake her hand you won't get it back.
ALLISON PULLS HER HAND AWAY
ALLISON
It's lovely to meet you.
MRS. MOON
Likewise.
DAPHNE
Where's Dad?
MRS. MOON
Passed out as pissed as a newt and half naked in the back of the Winnebago. I wouldn't go in there love it's not a pretty picture especially in your condition. And you're brothers have gone looking for a bar. They've got more blood then alcohol pumping through their veins. They'll soon put that right within the hour.
DAPHNE
And how was your flight?
MRS. MOON
I would have been more comfortable set on fire and strapped to one of the wings for the eleven odd hours.
MARTIN
Well there's still time to arrange that for on your way home.
MRS. MOON
All right enough of the small talk, where is the Randy little bleeder that's got my only daughter up the stick?
DAPHNE
He does have a name you know Mum.
MRS. MOON
He has plenty in our house. None that I'd care to repeat in front of strangers. I have enough to confess in church as it is.
NILES RATHER RELUCTANTLY MOVES FROM BEHIND FRASIER AND MARTIN OVER TO DAPHNE. DAPHNE IMMEDIATELY TAKES HIS HAND AND HOLDS ONTO IT TIGHT. FRASIER, MARTIN AND ALLISON ALL FREEZE UNSURE OF WHAT MRS. MOON'S REACTION IS GOING TO BE
NILES
Mrs. Moon it's lovely to see you.
NILES LEANS FORWARD TO KISS HER CHEEK
SIMON
Look out Mum he's trying it on with you now.
MRS. MOON SUDDENLY STARTS TO BEAT NILES WITH HER PURSE
NILES
Ouch Mrs. Moon!
DAPHNE
Mum leave him alone. Simon stop encouraging her.
DAPHNE PULLS NILES AWAY FROM MRS. MOON
NILES
Mrs. Moon I think you may have part of my iris on the corner of your purse.
MRS. MOON
It's a bloody good job you're about to marry her or I'd be using my very strong grip right about now to turn you into a woman.
NILES
Well that's certainly good to hear.
DAPHNE
But that's the whole point we are getting married tomorrow so you have nothing to be mad at him for.
MRS. MOON
I suppose you have a point but until then I insist you have the room next to me Daphne so he doesn't sneak in there and work off his manly urges on you and get you into even more trouble.
DAPHNE
Actually Mum, we're sleeping in the same room.
MRS. MOON
Tonight?
NILES
Yes.
MRS. MOON LUNGES FORWARD AND STARTS TO BEAT NILES WITH HER PURSE AGAIN
NILES (CONT'D)
Ouch! Mrs. Moon!
DAPHNE
Mum stop it.
SIMON
Well done Mum! I told you two years ago he'd got her pregnant.
ALLISON
So that's Daphne's Mum?
FRASIER
Or Satan as she's more commonly known.
AS SIMON GRABS HOLD OF MRS. MOON TO PULL HER AWAY FROM NILES WE:
FADE OUT
(C)
FADE IN:
INT. HOTEL BAR — EVENING — NIGHT — DAY/1
(Martin, Frank, Zora, Frasier, Daphne, Niles, Allison, Lilith, Freddie, Roz,
Mrs. Moon, Manager, Huw, Ioan, Simon, Jackie, Waiter, Party Guests)
THE LARGE BAR IS HEAVING WITH PARTY GUESTS. ON THE RIGHT HAND WALL OF THE ROOM IS THE BAR AND ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE IS TWO SETS OF DOUBLE DOORS THAT LEAD TO THE DINNING ROOM. ON THE BACK WALL THERE ARE TWO DOORS THAT LEAD TO OTHER PARTS OF THE HOTEL. STANDING BY THE DINNING ROOM DOOR ARE FRASIER, ALLISON AND MARTIN. FRANK AND ZORA ENTER FROM ONE OF THE DOORS ON THE BACK WALL. MARTIN SEES THEM IMMEDIATELY
MARTIN
Hey Frank!
FRANK
Hi Marty.
MARTIN AND FRANK SHAKE HANDS BEFORE ZORA PULLS MARTIN INTO A BIG HUG
ZORA
Marty give your sister-in-law a big hug. You look wonderful. No?
MARTIN
Zora thanks for coming.
FRASIER
Hello Uncle Frank. Hello there Aunt Zora.
ZORA TURNS TO LOOK AT FRASIER AND THEN TURNS AWAY FROM HIM
FRASIER (CONT'D)
And you're still not talking to me I see.
ZORA
Oh no Frasier, my favourite nephew. I'll talk to you. Come here.
FRASIER
Okay.
ZORA GRABS FRASIER'S TIE AND PULLS HIM CLOSE TO HER
ZORA
If you go within fifty feet of my son ever again, I'll rip your heart out and feed it to the dogs. Do we understand each other?
FRASIER
Perfectly.
AS ZORA LETS GO OF HIS TIE WE FOCUS IN ON NILES AND DAPHNE WHO ARE SITTING AT THE BAR FACING OUT INTO THE ROOM. NILES HAS A FAIRLY SWOLLEN BLACK EYE THAT DAPHNE ATTENDS TO WITH A SMALL ICE PACK
DAPHNE
I can't believe you're going to have a black eye on our wedding photos my poor baby. I'm going to kill her. Or at least encourage the doctor to pull the plug when the time eventually comes.
NILES
Believe me the way your Mom was swinging that bag around like a whippet on amphetamines it could have been a lot worse. She doesn't exactly have a very good aim. We could have been spending tonight and our wedding night drinking from the mini bar, watching the television and pouring ice cubes down my pants to reduce the swelling instead of what I've got planned.
DAPHNE
Well that could be fun too.
THEY KISS AS FRASIER, MARTIN AND ALLISON APPROACH THEM
FRASIER
Niles I don't want to worry you, but shouldn't we be allowed in to the dinning room by now? It's getting late and Dad's looking at me and licking his lips like I'm a pork chop.
MARTIN
Face it Frasier there's enough meat on you.
NILES
Apparently they're having a small problem in the kitchen.
ALLISON
What kind of problem?
A WAITER ENTERS FROM THE DINNING ROOM DOORS. WHEN THE DOORS OPEN A WAFT OF SMOKE FILLS THE ROOM
DAPHNE
Or maybe that was a little too subtle for you.
MARTIN
What are you going to do?
NILES
Drink lots of alcohol.
NILES PICKS UP A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE OFF THE BAR AND TAKES A LARGE SIP
DAPHNE
It's all right for some. I notice you didn't give that up while I can't drink it like you did with coffee. Just make sure you don't get totally plastered like the rest of my family.
NILES
Have they found you a room yet?
FRASIER
There's not one missing Niles, it wasn't stolen they just don't have one thanks to someone stealing the one I had reserved.
NILES
We didn't steal it. The hotel overbooked and we got here before you. You'll be fine in the Winnebago.
FRASIER
Only if I were covered in tattoo's with several teeth missing. If you hear a banjo playing followed by squealing in the middle of the night coming from the parking lot you'll know that we're just re-enacting Deliverance.
DAPHNE
Well at least this weekend can't surely get any worse.
LILITH AND FREDDIE ENTER FROM ONE OF THE DOORS ON THE BACK WALL. LILITH SCANS THE ROOM UNTIL SHE SEES FRASIER AND THEN WALKS TOWARDS HIM
LILITH
Frasier!
FRASIER TURNS AROUND UPON HEARING HIS NAME BEING CALLED
FRASIER
Ahhhhhhhhh!
MARTIN
(CONCERNED) What? (SEEING LILITH) Ahhhhhhhhh!
LILITH
I've been looking for you everywhere.
MARTIN
Daphne you spoke too soon.
NILES
At least that explains the blood weeping down the walls.
DAPHNE
I thought me mother had caused that.
LILITH AND FREDDIE FINALLY REACH FRASIER
FREDDIE
Hi Dad.
FRASIER
Freddie come here and give your old man a hug.
FRASIER AND FREDDIE HUG
FRASIER (CONT'D)
It's so good to see you. You look very smart young man. Hello Lilith.
FRASIER KISSES LILITH'S CHEEK
FRASIER (CONT'D)
It's nice to see you. How was your flight?
LILITH
It was fine thank you.
MARTIN
Freddie!
MARTIN AND FREDDIE HUG
LILITH
Niles, Daphne congratulations on the wedding and if a little birdie told me right there's also a baby on the way?
NILES
That's right. Thank you Lilith. And thanks for coming.
FREDDIE
Hi Uncle Niles. Hello Daphne.
DAPHNE
What's the matter? Have you not got a hug for me anymore? I'm not an old married woman yet. I can still flirt with a nice young man when I feel like it.
DAPHNE GETS OFF HER BAR STOOL AND HUGS FREDDIE
FRASIER
Freddie let me introduce you to Allison. Allison this is my son Frederick.
ALLISON AND FREDDIE SHAKE HANDS
ALLISON
It's nice to meet you.
FRASIER
And of course you remember Lilith.
ALLISON
Who could forget Lilith? It's lovely to see you again.
ROZ APPROACHES THE BAR AND SITS DOWN BEFORE TAKING A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE OFF THE BAR AND TAKES A BIG SWIG OF IT
ROZ
What is wrong with me? Have I developed some sort of repellent abnormal growth on my face today? Why can't I find a man anywhere?
FRASIER
Still having no luck?
ROZ
A newly castrated dog has had more luck today then I have. I think I've been sprayed with some sort of stud repellent.
ALLISON
Simon seems to dote on you.
ROZ
Exactly as I've said I seem to have been sprayed with some sort of extra strength stud repellent.
FRASIER
But on the upside Lilith is here.
ROZ
Where? (FINALLY SEEING HER) Ahhhhhhhhh.
LILITH
Thank you Roz it's lovely to see you again as well. Niles what on earth happened to your eye?
MRS. MOON WALKS PAST AND SMACKS NILES ON THE ARM WITH HER PURSE AS SHE GOES
MRS. MOON
Randy little sod.
LILITH
Ah now I understand.
DAPHNE
Come on you I'd better introduce you to the rest of my family before they get so drunk they start to take their pants off and throw them on the crystal chandeliers.
NILES
Your family? In that case let me find some sort of weapon to protect myself and oh by the way I leave everything to you in my will.
NILES PICKS UP HIS DRINK OFF THE BAR BEFORE HE AND DAPHNE MINGLE WITH THE REST OF THE PARTY GUESTS
A BEAT
THE REMAINING GROUP AT THE BAR ALL LOOK VERY UNCOMFORTABLE
FRASIER
Well this is nice.
ALLISON
Yes it is.
A BEAT
LILITH
Not at all uncomfortable.
FRASIER
Not at all.
A BEAT
MARTIN
I need a drink.
ROZ
I'm coming with you.
MARTIN AND ROZ BOTH HEAD INTO THE CROWD TOWARDS A WAITER CARRYING A TRAY OF GLASSES. NILES AND DAPHNE ARE NOW ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE ROOM BY THE DINNING ROOM DOORS
NILES
Who's the little girl with the eye patch again?
DAPHNE
Audrey my niece. That's Stephen's daughter.
NILES
Do you think she'd let me borrow it?
DAPHNE
You think looking like a pirate on the photos is better then having a black eye?
NILES
It would match my tuxedo and it's not like I'll have a peg leg and a parrot on my shoulder as well.
DAPHNE
Well it's not the first time I've seen you dress as a pirate.
NILES
Why does she even still wear that eye patch now that she has a glass eye?
DAPHNE
It's blue and her eyes are brown. Leave it to Stephen to order the wrong colour.
THE HOTEL MANAGER ENTERS FROM THE DINNING ROOM
MANAGER
Dr. Crane can I have a quick word with you please?
NILES
Yes of course you can. Has the kitchen 'incident' been brought under control?
MANAGER
Well yes but we've lost some kitchen space so unfortunately your dinner will have to be cooked on a gas bar-be-cue on the veranda.
NILES KNOCKS BACK THE REST OF HIS CHAMPAGNE IN ONE AS THE WAITER WALKS PAST. NILES PUTS HIS EMPTY GLASS ON HIS TRAY AND TAKES THE LAST REMAINING FULL GLASS
NILES
(TO THE WAITER) Can you bring me another one of these please? (TO THE MANAGER) I see.
THE WAITER MOVES OFF TOWARDS THE BAR
MANAGER
But that's not the major problem at the moment.
DAPHNE
And what would that be?
MANAGER
We've never had four wedding parties here at the same time before and the staff are demanding a pay rise, which I can't agree to. So to cut a long story short...
NILES
(SARCASTICALLY) Oh no please give us the longer version we're enjoying this tale so much.
MANAGER
Oh well then after a quick debate they elected Bruce Sibly as their representative to talk to me...
NILES
I wasn't serious!
MANAGER
The majority of the waiters have walked out on strike. You'll have to clear your own tables and get your own food from the bar-be-cue.
DAPHNE BURIES HER HEAD INTO NILES' SHOULDER
DAPHNE
I don't believe this. I knew we were tempting fate by bringing the two dark forces of Lilith and me mother together. I'm surprised the earth hasn't split in two.
MANAGER
But on the upside we caught that rat.
NILES
We were told it was a cat.
MANAGER
Well there was a cat. That was until the rat ate it.
WE NOW FOCUS IN ON ROZ AND MARTIN WHO ARE STANDING AGAINST THE BACK WALL LOOKING AT ALL THE FACES IN THE MINGLING CROWD. SIMON STANDS IN THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM AND UPON SEEING ROZ STARE IN HIS GENERAL DIRECTION DRINKS FROM HIS GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE BEFORE PUTTING HIS TONGUE IN HIS GLASS SUGGESTIVELY AND ARCHING HIS EYEBROW
ROZ
Oh my God. I need to find a man now. Simon is beginning to look more and more attractive every second.
MARTIN
What's wrong with me? I bring you here and then you dump me? I have to say Roz I'm hurt.
ROZ
Oh Martin I'm sorry.
MARTIN
Roz I'm kidding.
ROZ
Hey you were a cop if I kill Simon what's the best way to dispose of the body without getting caught.
MARTIN
Not telling a retired cop about it may be a good start.
ROZ LOOKS BACK INTO THE CROWD AND SEES A TALL WOMAN LOOKING AT MARTIN
ROZ
Martin don't turn around but I think that woman is starring at you. She is. She's checking you out.
MARTIN
Oh she is not.
ROZ
Marty you've got to be cold because she's just totally undressed you with her eyes.
MARTIN
Do you really think so?
ROZ
I'm surprised she doesn't need a cigarette. Go and talk to her.
MARTIN
I can't leave you here with Simon sniffing around.
ROZ
Yes you...
MARTIN STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS THE WOMAN
MARTIN
Great.
ROZ
You could at least have waiting for me to finish the sentence!
WE FOCUS BACK IN ON NILES AND DAPHNE WHO ARE STILL STANDING BY THE DINNING ROOM DOORS AS FRASIER WALKS OVER TO THEM
FRASIER
Daphne quick get over here.
DAPHNE
What's the matter?
FRASIER
I think a couple of your relatives may have had some sort of mild strokes.
DAPHNE
A couple?
NILES AND DAPHNE FOLLOW FRASIER BACK OVER TO THE BAR WHERE LILITH AND FREDDIE ARE NOW SITTING ON THE BAR STOOLS WITH ALLISON STANDING NEXT TO THEM. TWO TWENTY SOMETHING MEN, HUW AND IOAN STAND THERE AS WELL TALKING TO LILITH
HUW
Shwmae! Sut wyt ti? Mae'n dda ith weld!
LILITH
Daphne please what are these people saying to me?
IOAN
Lle braf yw hwn nad ywe?
DAPHNE
Rhoddi dy drowsers arnot ti, ti'n twpsin! Rwyt ti'n meddw!
HUW AND IOAN LAUGH AND THEN MOVE BACK INTO THE CROWD
NILES
What the hell was that?
DAPHNE
They're my cousins. Don't worry about it they're Welsh.
NILES
I didn't know you spoke Welsh.
DAPHNE
I can't.
ALLISON
Then what did you just say to them?
DAPHNE
The only thing I know how to say "you're drunk you silly sods, now pull your trousers up and go to bed."
LILITH
Then why was he spitting at me?
DAPHNE
They're Welsh that's how they speak.
NILES
Well at least we'll be able to start dinner soon.
FRASIER
That's great.
NILES
You'll have to be quick though because you've got to get a plate from the side table and form a line around to the bar-be-cue outside.
FRASIER
I beg your pardon?
LILITH
I see you've spared every expense Niles.
WE FOCUS BACK IN ON ROZ WHO IS STILL STANDING AS BEFORE WATCHING MARTIN STILL TALKING TO THE WOMAN WHO WAS WATCHING HIM. ROZ TRIES IN VAIN TO IGNORE SIMON WHO IS NOW STANDING NEXT TO HER AND LEERING OVER HER
SIMON
If you don't mind my saying so Rose you look as fit as a butchers dog tonight. That dress is really slutty.
ROZ
Is that your idea of a compliment?
SIMON
Actually it's my idea of a chat up line. Has it worked?
ROZ
Simon it wouldn't work even if you were gold plated and offered me a beach house on Maui and a choice of pool boys.
SIMON
At least I've got something to aim for.
A BEAT
SIMON (CONT'D)
You know what would look great on you? (PAUSE) Me.
ROZ LOOKS AT SIMON ABSOLUTELY APPALLED AS MARTIN JOINS THEM AGAIN
ROZ
What are you doing back?
MARTIN
I struck out.
SIMON
With Jackie?
MARTIN
Yeah.
SIMON
That's because he's my Uncle, Marty.
MARTIN
What?
SIMON
That's my Uncle Jackie. Daphne must have mentioned him before. The transvestite minister from San Francisco?
ROZ
You know what this means?
MARTIN
Yeah I just hit on a man!
ROZ
No he was starring at me. Wait. Oh great the only man to show any interest in me and he's dressed as a woman.
SIMON
I'm interested.
ROZ
I said man not slime ball.
SIMON
Is there a difference?
MARTIN
Excuse me I need to sit down.
MARTIN MOVES OVER TO THE DINNING ROOM DOORS TO SIT DOWN AS WE MOVE BACK OVER TO THE BAR. EVERYONE REMAINS AS BEFORE
FRASIER
Just how exactly are they going to cook lobster en cruet on a bar-be-cue?
DAPHNE
It's like how sausages are made. You just don't ask.
NILES
But may I suggest you try to get to the head of the line before the smell of the bar-be-cue might attract any hungry wildlife. Bears immediately spring to mind.
ALLISON
Okay so far, Niles has almost seen the dress and been given a black eye, our room has been given away and we have to sleep in the Winnebago, there's been a fire, there are no waiters and now we have to wrestle our dinner off a bear. Is this a Crane wedding tradition?
FRASIER
Trust me nothing else strange can possible happen.
NO SOONER HAS FRASIER FINISHED UTTERING THE WORDS THEN MARTIN APPROACHES THEM FOR SOME REASON WEARING A VAST AMOUNT OF POORLY PUT ON MAKE UP. EVERYONE TURNS TO LOOK AT HIM AND ARE STUNNED AND LOST FOR WORDS AS WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO(D)
TITLE CARD: "THE LAST HOURS BEFORE MOURNING?"
FADE IN:
INT. HOTEL DINNING ROOM — EVENING — NIGHT — DAY/1
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne, Allison, Lilith, Freddie, Mrs. Moon, Roz,
Simon, Stephen, Coordinator, Jackie, Robert, Zora, Party Guests)
THE DINNING ROOM IS EXTREMELY LARGE WITH LARGE VERANDA DOORS ON THE BACK WALL THAT LEAD OUTSIDE TO WHERE THE BAR-BE-CUE IS NOW SITUATED. ON THE RIGHT HAND WALL IS THE DOOR LEADING BACK OUT INTO THE BAR WITH A BAND STANDING IN THE CORNER PLAYING QUIETLY. ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE IS THE HEAD TABLE, WHICH STRETCHES ACROSS THE ENTIRE SIDE OF THE ROOM. IN THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM THERE IS A SMALL DANCE FLOOR WITH THE OTHER TABLES AND CHAIRS AROUND IT. IT APPEARS THAT DINNER HAS ALREADY FINISHED AS EVERYONE MINGLES AND AVOIDS CLEARING THEIR OWN TABLES. MARTIN SITS AT THE HEAD TABLE STILL TRYING TO GET THE MAKEUP OFF HIS FACE AS FRASIER, NILES, DAPHNE, ALLISON AND LILITH ALL WATCH HIM EXTREMELY AMUSED
FRASIER
Okay now what happened? You thought you were more likely to get a date by making yourself look like a woman? Does Roz know you're her competition now?
MARTIN
I hit on Daphne's Uncle Jackie. I thought he was a woman.
NILES
He'd probably say the same about you now.
DAPHNE
You what? Why did you do a thing like that?
MARTIN
I thought he was checking me out. Blame Roz she's the one that told me he was looking at me. And once again let me say for the record I thought he was a woman.
DAPHNE
Why on earth would you think that he's a woman?
MARTIN
Maybe because of the floral patterned dress, the wig and the high-heeled shoes and that's just off the top of my head.
DAPHNE
But he has an Adam's apple the size of a watermelon and the shoulders of a marine. How could you possible mistake him for a woman?
MARTIN
He makes a very attractive looking woman I'll have you know.
FRASIER
In that shade of lip-gloss so do you.
NILES
In a dim light I can vaguely understand your mistake but that still doesn't explain why you're wearing mascara.
MARTIN
I was a little shocked and dizzy from what had happened so I went to sit down. I closed my eyes for no more then five seconds and then the next thing I know some guy is coming towards me with some lip gloss and a pair of tweezers.
ALLISON
I thought you said that the Twilight Zone had closed on this wedding or is this what you call normal?
LILITH
Evidently he was wrong.
DAPHNE
Which guy did this to you?
MARTIN
That guy there, going outside to the bar-be-cue.
MARTIN POINTS TO ROBERT WHO EXITS OUTSIDE THROUGH THE VERANDA DOORS
DAPHNE
Oh don't worry about it that's my Uncle Robert, you know the mortician.
MARTIN
Oh great so what does that mean? He thought I looked dead?
DAPHNE
You can go quite pale at times.
NILES
Well never mind you look very pretty now.
LILITH
Yes Martin I'm sure you'll have a date within an hour.
MARTIN
Just help get it off.
FREDDIE APPROACHES FROM OFF THE DANCE FLOOR
FREDDIE
Why is Grandpa wearing make-up?
LILITH
He's getting in touch with his feminine side.
DAPHNE
And she's asking why are you doing this to yourself.
MARTIN
Are you saying I don't look attractive?
NILES
No of course you do Dad. In fact I have the uncontrollable urge to kiss you. Do you mind if I hug you? I promise to keep my hands above your waist.
LILITH AND FREDDIE MOVE AWAY AND SIT DOWN AT A NEARBY TABLE
MARTIN
You stay away from me.
FRASIER
Well other then Dad looking like an extremely cheap hooker, everything seems to be going according to plan. Finally.
DAPHNE
To keep it that way, we'd better keep Lilith away from my Uncle Robert. If he did that to your father just imagine what he'd do to Lilith's bloodless skin.
FRASIER
Good point. When we went to get blood tests before we were married they thought she'd gone there to get a blood transfusion.
MRS. MOON WALKS TOWARDS THE TABLE AND SITS DOWN
DAPHNE
Having a good time Mum?
MRS. MOON
No I am not. Your father's still asleep in the Winnebago and your brother Reginald has just been sick in the wishing well.
FRASIER
Mr. Moon is still in the Winnebago?
MRS. MOON
Yes and the drunken sod can stay there. David keeps going out there every hour to make sure he's still breathing. I'm not going to check on him. I don't trust him. The last time he got this drunk we conceived Michael.
FRASIER
But we have no hotel room so we were going to spend the night in the Winnebago.
MRS. MOON
Well he won't mind. He probably won't even notice you're there. Just make sure you put him a clean pair of underwear on and make him roll over. You'll be fine.
FRASIER
At least that gives me something to look forward to later.
MRS. MOON
Meanwhile I'm alone and I have no bugger to dance with.
MRS. MOON LOOKS UP AT NILES AND SMILES
NILES
Oh that is a shame. (REALISING) Oh! Mrs. Moon would you like to dance?
MRS. MOON
Oh don't mind if I do Niles. But just make sure you keep those wondering hands of yours on my shoulders since you can't control your hormones. They'll be no feeling up the mother of the bride.
NILES OFFERS MRS. MOON HIS HAND TO HELP HER GET UP BEFORE THEY MOVE TOWARDS THE DANCE FLOOR. DAPHNE LOOKS ON IN HORROR
DAPHNE
It's like an eclipse. You know you shouldn't look but you just can't help it.
MARTIN
Don't worry he'll be fine.
DAPHNE
Only if he's carrying a nuclear fallout shelter in his pocket.
WE FOCUS IN ON NILES AND MRS. MOON DANCING. AS THEY DANCE SLOWLY MRS. MOON STEPS ON NILES' FOOT
NILES
Ouch!
MRS. MOON
Well stop putting your big honking feet under mine you ruddy great galar!
NILES
Once again I apologise for being so clumsy.
MRS. MOON
I do hope you plan to do right by my daughter. She's used to the finer things in life you know.
NILES
Of course I will Mrs. Moon. I love her more then anything.
MRS. MOON
(MENACINGLY) You'd better because if you don't I'll make your life a living hell. I may not be able to make it rain sulphur but I shall give it a bloody good go. World War II will look like Mardi Gras compared to the reign of terror I can bring down on you. Do we understand each other?
NILES
Loud and clear.
THE MUSIC STOPS AND NILES AND MRS. MOON PULL APART BEFORE SHE KISSES HIS CHEEK
MRS. MOON
Thank you Niles that was lovely, even though you're a bit of a clumsy sod. If you're this clumsy with birth control I understand now how you were able to get her pregnant.
NILES MOVES BACK OVER TO THE HEAD TABLE AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO DAPHNE
DAPHNE
That looked cosy. What were you two talking about?
NILES
Oh just this and that. Your mother doesn't actually own a gun or sharp object of any description does she?
DAPHNE
No she doesn't. Now me Dad on the other hand is a different story, he collects old hunting rifles. Why?
NILES
Oh no reason.
ROZ ENTERS THROUGH THE DOOR LEADING FROM THE BAR AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO DAPHNE
NILES (CONT'D)
Where have you been for the past half an hour?
ROZ
Hiding from Simon.
DAPHNE
Where?
ROZ
In the bathroom.
ALLISON
I didn't see you in there.
ROZ
I was in the Men's room hiding in a stall.
FRASIER
Why?
ROZ
Simon was looking for me in the Ladies room. What else was I supposed to do? I immediately regretted it though. I had to spend the next twenty minutes apologising to the very shocked and frightened looking hotel minister clutching his bible for dear life. But how was I to know the lock was broken on that stall? At least I didn't stare. And it's not like he had anything to be ashamed of so those twelve Hail Mary's that I had to do were a little uncalled for. But on the plus side I have four guys phone numbers now.
NILES
Copied from the bathroom wall?
ROZ
No! I was...(SEEING MARTIN) Martin are you wearing blush?
MARTIN
Oh jeez.
MARTIN PICKS UP HIS NAPKIN AND WIPES HIS FACE YET AGAIN AS MRS. MOON APPROACHES THE TABLE
MRS. MOON
Daphne's who's the mad woman?
DAPHNE
Which mad woman?
MRS. MOON POINTS TOWARDS THE DANCE FLOOR WHERE ZORA IS TRYING TO DRAG AS MANY PEOPLE AS SHE CAN INTO A GREEK DANCE
NILES
Ah. That's my Aunt Zora. She's Greek.
FRASIER
I'll speak to her.
FRASIER STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS ZORA
MRS. MOON
I suppose every family has at least one odd relative.
DAPHNE
One? We have a fleet.
FRASIER REACHES ZORA AND TAPS HER ON THE SHOULDER
FRASIER
Aunt Zora.
ZORA PRETENDS TO SPIT IN FRASIER'S DIRECTION. TAKING THE HINT FRASIER TURNS ON HIS HEELS AND HEADS BACK TO THE HEAD TABLE
FRASIER (CONT'D)
You know I think she might still be a little mad at me.
MARTIN
Gee, do you think?
FRASIER
Well that was certainly an interesting meal.
NILES
Did anyone else get any of the grey meat?
MARTIN
What kind of meat is grey?
FRASIER
I don't want to even think about that.
DAPHNE
The manager did say that the kitchen would be ready for dinner tomorrow. So at least all the problems have happened today. Tomorrow should go fine.
NILES STARTS TO RUB DAPHNE'S SHOULDER
NILES
Of course it will.
FRASIER PICKS UP HIS CHAMPAGNE GLASS
FRASIER
And on that note lest we not forget in the chaos why we are here I think it's time for me to give my toast.
FRASIER WALKS OVER TO THE BAND AND TALKS TO THEM. THE MUSIC STOPS PLAYING CAUSING EVERYONE TO LOOK IN THAT DIRECTION AND QUIETEN DOWN
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Ladies and Gentlemen may I have your attention please. For those of you who don't know me I'm the best man and Niles' brother, Dr. Frasier Crane. You may have heard my Seabee award winning radio show on KACL. (SILENCE) Or not, moving on. When I first hired Daphne nearly nine years ago I had no idea that she'd work her way into our hearts let alone end up marrying my brother. In fact for many years I had to practically wrestle Niles away from Daphne. More the fool I. I don't want to say too much this evening since you'll be hearing from me again tomorrow other then to say, congratulations and Dad and I could not be happier for you. Now if you would all raise your glasses and toast to Niles and Daphne.
EVERYONE RAISES THEIR GLASSES AND TURNS TOWARDS NILES AND DAPHNE
EVERYONE
Niles and Daphne.
NILES AND DAPHNE KISS BEFORE SIMON STANDS ON HIS CHAIR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM NEXT TO MRS. MOON
SIMON
Excuse me Frasier do you mind if I just butt in for a moment and say a few quick words?
FRASIER
Not at all Simon.
SIMON
Not that I want to be rude but you're about as interesting as a stick aren't you. Since no one thought to hire any strippers it's up to me try and put some life back into this wake. All I want to say is firstly congratulations to Stilts and Blinky.
ALLISON
Blinky?
NILES
It's a nickname he's so kindly given me.
DAPHNE
Trust me it could be a lot worse.
MRS. MOON
(SHOUTS FROM ACROSS THE ROOM) Randy little sod.
NILES
Like that one for example.
SIMON
But now if you'll let me sidetrack slightly on to a subject a little closer to my heart. Roz Doyle.
ROZ HIDES HER FACE IN HORROR
ROZ
Oh my God, oh my God! Please tell me there's another Roz Doyle in the room.
DAPHNE
There's another Roz Doyle in the room.
ROZ
Really?
DAPHNE
No, sorry.
SIMON
All I want to say to you Roz is 455. That's my room number. Come and see me later. You know you want to darling.
SIMON GETS DOWN OFF HIS CHAIR AS EVERYONE IN THE ROOM CLAPS AND FRASIER WALKS BACK OVER TO THE HEAD TABLE
MRS. MOON
That was lovely Simon. Almost poetry.
ROZ FINALLY LOOKS UP
ROZ
Has he stopped? I'm too scared to remove my fingers from my ears.
FRASIER
It could have been a lot worse Roz.
ROZ
How? The only thing that could have made that worse is if he had smothered himself in bar-be-cue sauce put a rose between his teeth and hurled himself across the table at me.
FRASIER
Then at least you've got something to be grateful for.
NILES
And there's an image I'll have to try to repress later.
STEPHEN APPROACHES THE TABLE LOOKING CLOSELY AT THE FLOOR AS HE GOES
STEPHEN
You haven't by any chance seen an eye rolling around the floor have you?
MARTIN
Not since I stopped working vice. Then they generally didn't roll, once they popped out they were pretty sticky.
FRASIER
You know Dad there is such a thing as too much information.
NILES
Why would there be an eye rolling around the floor?
STEPHEN
Audrey's lost hers.
DAPHNE
Does she know where about?
STEPHEN
It could be anywhere. She has a cold, she's been having violent sneezing fits all night. It was only a matter of time before it flew out and actually had someone else's eye out. It could have popped out at any time.
DAPHNE
Do you want us to help you look for it?
STEPHEN
Would you be a dear? The bloody thing cost me a fortune. I'd have to sell one of my kidney's to get another one.
ALLISON STARTS TO LAUGH AS STEPHEN MOVES AWAY CHECKING THE FLOOR
FRASIER
He's not kidding.
EVERYONE STANDS AND STARTS TO SEARCH THE FLOOR. FRASIER GETS ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES AND STARTS TO SEARCH AROUND PEOPLES FEET UNDER THE TABLES
MARTIN
What rehearsal dinner doesn't end with looking for an eye?
DAPHNE
If Simon had his way it would end with strippers.
ROZ
It could have rolled anywhere.
FRASIER STARTS TO LOOK UNDER THE TABLE WHICH LILITH AND FREDDIE ARE SEATED AT
LILITH
What is that? Frasier why are you touching my leg?
FRASIER
I'm looking for a glass eye.
LILITH
I see. Frasier there's no need to lie to me. The first step in overcoming re-emerging emotions is to firstly admit that they exist.
FRASIER
No Lilith I'm really looking for a glass eye.
FRASIER GETS UP OFF THE FLOOR AS MARTIN PICKS SOMETHING UP OFF THE TABLE
MARTIN
I think I found it.
NILES
That's a crystal saltshaker Dad. When you add this to Daphne's Uncle I think it's time you got your eyes checked again.
DAPHNE
We'd better spread out. Stephen and Billy are looking outside and Michael's gone to check her bedroom.
ROZ
I'll go and check outside around the bar. She was running around there earlier.
FRASIER
I'll give you a hand.
FRASIER AND ROZ EXIT THROUGH TO THE BAR
NILES
It might have rolled under one of the tables.
AT THIS POINT NILES AND DAPHNE ARE BOTH STANDING AT OPPOSITE ENDS OF THE HEAD TABLE BEFORE GETTING ON THEIR HANDS AND KNEES AND CRAWLING UNDERNEATH TO LOOK FOR THE EYE. AS THEY TALK THEY CRAWL FURTHER AND FURTHER TOWARDS ONE ANOTHER
DAPHNE
This is just a perfect end to the day.
NILES
Oh it hasn't been all bad.
DAPHNE
Okay let's take a look at the day. You've nearly seen my dress.
NILES
Nearly but didn't.
DAPHNE
The rehearsal dinner has been a farce and you have a black eye.
NILES
Well when you look at it that way it does seem a little chaotic. But we have to look on the bright side of these things. At least I'm not nervous anymore. I've been waiting nine years for this to happen. I don't want to waste a second of it worrying about anything.
DAPHNE
And that's why you've been so relaxed about everything?
NILES
That and the bottle of wine I've drunk. All of this doesn't matter. All that matters is that tomorrow we're going to get married. And nothing, no cats, waiters, fires or glass eyes are going to take that away from us.
DAPHNE
God I love you.
NILES
I'm certainly glad to hear that considering what we're about to do tomorrow. I love you too.
THEY KISS AS MARTIN LIFTS UP THE TABLE CLOTH AND LOOKS AT THEM
MARTIN
I thought we were supposed to be looking for an eye not making out under a table.
DAPHNE
Can't we do both?
SATISFIED THAT IT'S NOT UNDER THAT TABLE NILES AND DAPHNE CRAWL OUT AND STAND UP. NILES QUICKLY TAKES OUT HIS HANDKERCHIEF AND WIPES HIS HANDS AND KNEE CAPS AS THE COORDINATOR APPROACHES THEM
COORDINATOR
Excuse me Dr. Crane, there's a gentleman outside in the bar that would like to speak to you for a moment.
NILES
Thank you.
HE KISSES DAPHNE
NILES (CONT'D)
I'll be right back.
NILES GOES TO EXIT
DAPHNE
(SUGGESTIVELY) Don't be too long there are more tables to look under.
NILES TURNS AND SMILES AT HER BEFORE EXITING INTO THE BAR
RESET TO:
INT. HOTEL BAR — CONTINUOUS
DONNY WAITS BY THE BAR, IN THE ROOM THAT IS EMPTY, PACING UP AND DOWN AS NILES ENTERS. THE SMILE ON NILES' FACE QUICKLY DISAPPEARS AS A SHOCK EXPRESSION APPEARS
NILES
Donny?!
DONNY
Hello Niles. Wow, what happened to your eye?
NILES
All I remember is Daphne's mother and a flying purse hurtling towards my head at break neck speed. The rest is all a blur.
DONNY
That's something I don't miss about Daphne. Her family. And the constant fear and stomach ulcers that comes with them.
NILES
What are you...what are you doing here?
DONNY
I needed to talk to you.
NILES
What about?
DONNY
Can I get you a drink?
NILES
Erm, no thank you. What do you want to talk about?
DONNY
Daphne.
NILES
Listen Donny I know you must still be hurting from what happened but now is neither the time nor the place for this. How did you even find out that we were getting married here?
DONNY
Frasier announced the news nearly every twenty seconds on his show yesterday and I'm not here for me Niles, I'm here for you.
NILES
What are you talking about?
DONNY
I take no pleasure in this Niles.
NILES
Then don't say it.
DONNY
It's about the baby.
NILES
How do you know about the baby?
DONNY
Because it's mine Niles.
A BEAT
NILES
No, no. That's not true. I know that you're still upset and bitter and twisted about what happened but I refuse to have you poison my relationship with Daphne like this. I don't have to listen to this.
NILES STARTS TO WALK BACK TOWARDS THE DINNING ROOM
DONNY
I'm sorry to have to break this to you Niles but I want to stop you from making a big mistake. You deserve more then that.
NILES
I think you should leave Donny.
DONNY
If you don't believe me then just ask Roz, she saw us together.
NILES
Even so Daphne would never do that.
DONNY
Wouldn't she?
NILES
No.
DONNY
She did it to me Niles. Are you forgetting? Two years ago. It's a day I know I'll never forget. I'm sure you feel the same but for a different reason. But this has gone further then that now. I don't want to see you get hurt.
NILES
As apposed to what you're doing now? Donny I want you to leave.
DONNY
Listen I know this hurts. Believe me I know but...
NILES
Donny leave.
THE MANAGER ENTERS FROM ONE OF THE DOORS ON THE BACK WALL
MANAGER
Is everything okay Dr. Crane?
NILES
No. Would you mind escorting Mr. Douglas from the premises? He's an uninvited guest.
DONNY
Fine if you don't want to believe me then that's your decision. But you're making a big mistake Niles.
DONNY EXITS THROUGH ONE OF THE DOORS ON THE BACK WALL WITH THE MANAGER FOLLOWING. NILES SLUMPS DOWN ONTO ONE OF THE BAR STOOLS AND STARES OFF INTO THE DISTANCE
A BEAT
FREDDIE ENTERS FROM THE DINNING ROOM. NILES DOESN'T NOTICE HIM
FREDDIE
Uncle Niles have you found it?
NILES
(QUIETLY) I saw the dress.
FREDDIE
Uncle Niles?
NILES
(SNAPS) What?
FREDDIE
The glass eye. Have you found it?
NILES
Erm...no Freddie I haven't.
NILES STANDS AND STARTS TO PACE THE FLOOR
FREDDIE
Have you checked behind the bar? (PAUSE) Uncle Niles? (PAUSE) Uncle Niles!
NILES
What Freddie?
FREDDIE
Have you checked behind the bar?
NILES
(SHOUTS) No Freddie I have no checked behind the bar. I have not checked underneath the tables and I have not checked in the blender. Now will you leave me alone and stop pestering me?
FREDDIE
Sure Uncle Niles.
FREDDIE EXITS THROUGH ONE OF THE DOORS ON THE BACK WALL AS NILES CONTINUES TO PACE THE FLOOR MUTTERING TO HIMSELF AND WE:
FADE OUT
(E)
FADE IN:
INT. HOTEL BALLROOM — EVENING — NIGHT — DAY/1
(Roz, Frasier, Freddie)
FRASIER AND ROZ SEARCH AN EMPTY BALLROOM. THERE ARE BALLOONS AND GLASSES SPREAD ABOUT FROM WHERE SOME OF THE PARTY GUESTS MUST HAVE BEEN GATHERED BEFORE. THERE IS HARDLY ANY LIGHT IN THERE, WITH JUST A GLOW COMING FROM THE OPEN DOOR ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE AND THE WINDOWS ON THE BACK WALL. FRASIER SEARCHES UNDERNEATH SOME TABLES WHILE ROZ CHECKS THE STAGE AREA ON THE RIGHT HAND SIDE
ROZ
Why are we even looking for this thing in the first place? It's made of glass. Wouldn't it have smashed the moment it hit the floor?
FRASIER
It might not be made out of glass.
ROZ
Hello? It's called a glass eye. What do you think they make it out of? Jello? I can't imagine it's going to look very realistic anyway after it's been shattered into a million pieces, glued back together again and then pushed back in her eye socket.
FRASIER
You don't seem in a particularly good mood tonight Roz.
ROZ
Well why would I Frasier? Look at my life. This weekend has just brought everything home for me.
FRASIER
What are you talking about?
ROZ SLUMPS DOWN ON THE EDGE OF THE STAGE AND PUTS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS
ROZ
I'm nearly forty Frasier. I'm a single parent and I'm alone. Everywhere I look recently there are happy couples all around me. I know it's awful of me and I hate myself for it but I'm really jealous of Daphne right now.
FRASIER
Please don't tell me you have a crush on Niles.
ROZ
Dear God no! Why would you think that?! I may be desperate but I'm not that desperate. I meant because she's so happy, that's all. She's found Niles, a guy who worships the ground she walks on, a guy who would do absolutely anything for her and I just wish I had what she has.
FRASIER SITS DOWN NEXT TO ROZ
FRASIER
That's nothing to feel sorry about Roz.
ROZ
I mean what kind of looser am I to arrive at a wedding single when even you have a date for God's sake?
FRASIER
(OFFENDED) Of course Roz because normally men like me have to blackmail a woman with the threat of extradition to get a date.
ROZ
Frasier I didn't mean it like that.
FRASIER
I suppose it may comes as a surprise to you that I've never attempted to get a mail order bride since I'm so troll like and desperate.
ROZ
I just feel like I'm never going to find anybody.
FRASIER
Come on Roz that's crazy.
ROZ
Is it? Look at the options I have. There's Simon. And...oh my God that's it. The only other guy to show any interest was wearing a dress.
FRASIER
Granted right now things look a little on the bleak side.
ROZ
A little? Prisoners on death row have a brighter future.
FRASIER
Well that's because of the electrical current.
ROZ
I have nothing to offer.
FRASIER
What are you talking about? You have plenty to offer.
ROZ
Like what?
FRASIER
You're kind. You're considerate. You have a wonderful sense of humour. A generous spirit. You handle single motherhood with a grace and beauty that I'm in awe of. You're beautiful Roz.
ROZ
Oh you're just saying that because I'm feeling so sorry for myself.
FRASIER
No honestly Roz. When I first found out that the station had switched producers on me, the main reason I was so stressed out and flustered by it all was because I had no idea how I was going to have a professional relationship with such a beautiful woman.
ROZ
Thank you Frasier.
FRASIER
I mean it. You're everything I've ever looked for in a woman.
ROZ LOOKS UP MEETING FRASIER'S GAZE
A BEAT
ROZ
You're everything I've ever looked for in a man.
AT THE SAME TIME FRASIER AND ROZ BOTH LEAN FORWARD UNTIL THEIR LIPS MEET IN A KISS
A BEAT
FREDDIE ENTERS SUDDENLY CAUSING BOTH FRASIER AND ROZ TO JUMP AND BREAK THE KISS. FRASIER IMMEDIATELY SPRINGS TO HIS FEET UNSURE OF WHAT HAS HAPPENED AND WHAT TO DO
FREDDIE
Dad have you found it?
FRASIER QUICKLY LOOKS ABOUT THE ROOM
FRASIER
No Freddie, it's not in here.
FREDDIE
Do you know what's wrong with Uncle Niles?
FRASIER
What do you mean?
FREDDIE
He's in the bar pacing up and down and muttering to himself. When I asked him if he'd found the glass eye he yelled at me and asked me to leave him alone.
FRASIER
That doesn't sound like Niles.
FRASIER GOES TO EXIT BUT THEN STOPS AND TURNS AROUND TO FACE ROZ
FRASIER (CONT'D)
I'd better go and check on him.
ROZ
Yeah, go and check on him.
FRASIER TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS TOWARDS ROZ
FRASIER
Are you okay?
ROZ
I'm fine. Go on.
FRASIER
I'll be right back.
ROZ
No it's okay I'll come with you.
ROZ STANDS AND FRASIER WAITS FOR HER TO EXIT BEFORE HE FOLLOWS AFTER FREDDIE AS WE:
FADE OUT
(F)
FADE IN:
INT. HOTEL DINNING ROOM — EVENING — NIGHT — DAY/1
(Mrs. Moon, Daphne, Stephen, Simon, Martin, Party Guests)
DAPHNE WALKS ABOUT THE ROOM LOOKING UNDER TABLES AS MRS. MOON FOLLOWS HER WITH A DRINK IN HAND
MRS. MOON
How could you do it to me Daphne? Your own mother?
DAPHNE
Anyone would think I'd put you in a home where you're beaten with a pointy stick everyday and forced to sow mailbags.
MRS. MOON
That would have been easier to accept then this.
DAPHNE
You're the one that's done nothing but complain that I've never given you any Grandchildren.
MRS. MOON
But I meant for you to get married first Daphne.
DAPHNE
But I am getting married first. I'm not going to give birth tonight for heaven's sake. It's a tad too early.
MRS. MOON
You don't care what shame you bring on the family. As if it's not bad enough that we've been forced to find a new church after your brothers got the blame for stealing the collection plate. We'd only just smoothed everything over with the Vicar after Simon was caught in the confession box with that half naked woman on his lap.
DAPHNE
Is there any surprise that the Vicar was upset? It was his wife after all.
MRS. MOON
Ex wife. That woman was a common tart and everyone from the paperboy to the Pope knew it. People are going to think that he's only married you because of the baby.
DAPHNE
But that's not true.
MRS. MOON
And I'm sure the women of the Manchester knitting society will believe that. You know how they gossip. I knew Brian Torrington had that third testicle before he did.
STEPHEN WHO IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM WITH SIMON SHOUTS TO GET EVERYONE'S ATTENTION
STEPHEN
Panic over, we've found it.
SIMON
I said I was sorry. I thought it was an ice cube.
STEPHEN
And you never noticed it was looking at you?
SIMON
Am I supposed to notice everything?
DAPHNE WALKS BACK OVER TO THE HEAD TABLE WHERE MARTIN IS NOW SITTING
DAPHNE
Well at least that problem has been solved.
DAPHNE LOOKS ABOUT THE ROOM
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Have you seen Niles? He's been gone a while.
MARTIN
Oh great now we've lost Niles!
SIMON WALKS PAST AND OVER HEARS
SIMON
I'll check in the pot plants, you look under the tables.
AS SIMON STARTS TO LOOK IN THE PLANT POTS AND OTHER ODD PLACES DAPHNE AND MARTIN JUST STARE AFTER HIM AND WE:
FADE OUT
(G)
FADE IN:
INT. HOTEL BAR — EVENING — NIGHT — DAY/1
(Frasier, Niles, Roz, Freddie, Martin, Robert)
NILES PACES UP AND DOWN THE EMPTY BAR STILL MUTTERING TO HIMSELF AS FRASIER, ROZ AND FREDDIE ENTER FROM ONE OF THE DOORS ON THE BACK WALL. NILES DOESN'T SEEM TO NOTICE THEM AGAIN AND FRASIER IS RATHER HESITANT ABOUT APPROACHING HIM
FRASIER
Niles what's going on?
A BEAT
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Niles?
A BEAT
FRASIER (CONT'D)
(SHOUTS) Niles!
NILES STOPS PACING AND SPINS AROUND TO FACE THEM RATHER FRUSTRATEDLY
NILES
What?!
FRASIER
What's happened?
NILES
Donny was here.
NILES STARTS TO PACE AGAIN AS EVERYONE ELSE LOOKS A LITTLE SHOCKED
ROZ
What? What did he want?
NILES
Oh I think you can guess.
FRASIER
Freddie can you give us a moment please?
FREDDIE
But...
FRASIER
(FORCEFULLY) Freddie will you go back into the dinning room please?
FREDDIE
Sure.
FREDDIE RATHER RELUCTANTLY EXITS BACK INTO THE DINNING ROOM
FRASIER
Okay now what's going on?
NILES
Donny has just been here to see me.
FRASIER
How did he even know you were here?
NILES
Apparently it was repeatedly broadcast on your show yesterday.
FRASIER
(REALISING GUILTILY) Ah.
NILES
The manager said that there's also a guy hanging around the reception who wants to cut your toenails.
FRASIER
Well that's the last time I announce my weekend plans on the air.
ROZ
I did tell you.
FRASIER
What did Donny want?
NILES
To prevent me from making a mistake.
FRASIER
Just forget about it Niles. He's obviously still bitter and upset and if you let him get to you like this then he's already won.
NILES
He says that the baby is his.
A BEAT
ROZ
What?
FRASIER
That's ridiculous Niles. He's just after some sort of shallow revenge.
NILES
Maybe but how did he even know Daphne was pregnant?
FRASIER
(ONCE AGAIN GUILTILY) Oh sorry. What? I'm excited I'm going to be an Uncle. How was I supposed to know that Donny listens to my show?
NILES
I can understand your surprise it's a miracle anyone listens to it.
MARTIN ENTERS FROM THE DINNING ROOM
MARTIN
It's all right we've found it. Simon had it in his drink. I think we can all be thankful that he didn't swallow it. (NOTICING THE TENSE ATMOSPHERE) What's going on?
FRASIER
Donny has just been here.
MARTIN
What did he want?
NILES
To tell me that the baby is his.
MARTIN
Don't you go believing a word of that son. He's just trying to drive a wedge between the two of you.
NILES
Then he's done a remarkable job of it.
FRASIER
There's not even a shred of evidence to prove that she's even seen Donny in the last two years let alone had any sort of relationship with him. Am I right Roz?
ROZ LOOKS AT HER FEET
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Roz?
A BEAT
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Roz?
NILES SEES ROZ'S BODY LANGUAGE AND STARES AT HER WAITING FOR AN ANSWER
ROZ
What?
NILES
What is it Roz? What do you know?
ROZ
Nothing. I don't know anything.
NILES
Roz don't lie to me. You obviously know something. Roz? Tell me. (SHOUTS) Tell me!
ROZ
I saw them.
FRASIER
What?
NILES
Saw them where?
ROZ
It's when we last went to the Fox and Whistle. You left early. I left Daphne there but came back to get my coat and they were there.
NILES
Oh my God!
MARTIN
Niles that doesn't mean anything.
NILES
If it doesn't mean anything then why didn't she tell me?
FRASIER
Probably because she knew you'd react just like this.
ROZ
What are you going to do?
NILES
I don't know.
MARTIN
Don't tell me you believe this crap.
NILES
Well why wouldn't I Dad? Roz saw them together. Daphne kept it from me. And doesn't this explain why she was so afraid to tell me that she was pregnant in the first place?
FRASIER
I'll admit this looks bad but I'm sure if you just talk to her you'll see that...
NILES
No. I don't want to talk to her. The weddings off.
FRASIER
Niles now before you do something you'll regret...
NILES
I don't need a lecture Frasier. I just want to be left alone.
NILES GOES TO EXIT TOWARDS ONE OF THE DOORS ON THE BACK WALL
FRASIER
What do we tell Daphne?
NILES
Try the truth.
NILES EXITS AS EVERYONE ELSE JUST STARES AFTER HIM
NILES (CONT'D)
(OFF STAGE) Uncle Robert will you get off me! I don't need any make-up.
UNCLE ROBERT ENTERS FROM THE SAME DOOR THAT NILES LEFT THROUGH CARRYING SOME LIP GLOSS
ROBERT
But he's so pale.
AS FRASIER, ROZ AND MARTIN ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN A STATE OF SHOCK WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWO END OF SEASON NINECLOSING CREDITS: WE MOVE ACROSS FRASIER'S DARKENED LIVING ROOM. THE ONLY LIGHT COMES FROM THE SKYLINE THAT TWINKLES IN THE DISTANCE
