Dear Reader,
I have kept silent for far too long. Long have I watched him, waited for him to admit his guilt himself, to come clean to the world about his dirty little secret. I do not want to do this, but I feel I must. I see already those who doubt me, who cry that it is impossible and cannot be. I feel for them, knowing that I too would laugh if I were in their place, for it seems difficult to believe indeed. But the hard truth must be told, and it is this:
Gandalf - or should I call him Gandalfr? - is not the wizened old wizard you think him to be. Oh, he may be wizened, and he may be old, but he's not a wizard. He's a dwarf on stilts.
Gandalfr used to be just like one of the rest of us dwarves. We dug, we delved, we roasted red meat on spits. We were like one big happy family. In fact, we were one big happy family. Those were good days. "The family that mines together, gets filthy rich together," as we used to say. Gandalfr and I were very close. He had a great sense of humour, I recall, always thinking of some new practical joke. That was his downfall, I think, his sense of humour. He set up a joke that he couldn't get himself out of, got in too deep and found himself stuck.
He was a traveler, and he'd often leave us for months on end, returning home with that mischievous twinkle in his eyes. I remember him telling me one time that he'd convinced an entire race of strange creatures, Hobbits he called them, that he was a great and powerful wizard, "Gandalf the Grey," he said, alias Mithrandrir or some equally ridiculous name. He even showed me the stilts that he used to appear taller. He said that he even carried a staff to help with his balance. I told him to be careful, told him not to meddle in the affairs of wizards because they have no sense of humour and get ticked off really easily, but he only laughed.
I remember clearly the day that he left, saying that he had thought of his funniest prank yet. He said he had convinced a group of our cousins to take him on their quest to regain their ancestral home and kill the dragon who was currently residing there. He said he wanted to take one of the little Hobbit creatures with him, said it would be just too hilariously funny for words. I think that that's when he really got in over his head. After that, Gandalfr found himself famous. The little creature wrote a book about the experience, crediting Gandalfr with much of the mission's success. Suddenly, everyone wanted Gandalfr to be a part of their quest. He was known as a household name across Middle Earth.
I think that fame really went to Gandalfr's head. He started distancing himself from us, insisting we call him Tharkûn. He refused to acknowledge us publicly, made up some kind of nonsense about being an Isteri sent to Middle Earth by the Valor. The elves had lapped it up from the start, of course, which I think he found very funny. Some Sirdan guy even gave him a cool ring. I let it pass, thinking that he would reveal all once the One Ring was destroyed. But he kept playing his game right up until the end, sailing off into the distance to wherever it is that all the good elves go instead of dying. Those Valor things, whatever they were, probably got a nasty shock when he showed up with a boatload of elves all crowing that he was the best thing that they had ever sent them.
As I've said, this is not an easy thing for most people to believe. But I beg the reader to consider the facts. Have you not observed the great similarities between Gandalf and Gimli, the massive beards in particular? The way Gandalf mysteriously "knows" his way around the notorious maze of Khazad-dûm despite claiming to have only been there once or twice, yet clearly desires to avoid the place - and its dwarf occupants. I mean, it's even written down that he's a dwarf in the Völuspá, for crying out loud. It lists him as plain as day as being a dwarf, along with Bívurr, Bávurr, Bömburr and the rest of the gang. Deny that and, well, you're in denial.
It pains me indeed to call Gandalf a fraud, but that's exactly what he is. A fraud and an opportunist. It's time to call a spade a spade.
Regards, Vindalfr
I have kept silent for far too long. Long have I watched him, waited for him to admit his guilt himself, to come clean to the world about his dirty little secret. I do not want to do this, but I feel I must. I see already those who doubt me, who cry that it is impossible and cannot be. I feel for them, knowing that I too would laugh if I were in their place, for it seems difficult to believe indeed. But the hard truth must be told, and it is this:
Gandalf - or should I call him Gandalfr? - is not the wizened old wizard you think him to be. Oh, he may be wizened, and he may be old, but he's not a wizard. He's a dwarf on stilts.
Gandalfr used to be just like one of the rest of us dwarves. We dug, we delved, we roasted red meat on spits. We were like one big happy family. In fact, we were one big happy family. Those were good days. "The family that mines together, gets filthy rich together," as we used to say. Gandalfr and I were very close. He had a great sense of humour, I recall, always thinking of some new practical joke. That was his downfall, I think, his sense of humour. He set up a joke that he couldn't get himself out of, got in too deep and found himself stuck.
He was a traveler, and he'd often leave us for months on end, returning home with that mischievous twinkle in his eyes. I remember him telling me one time that he'd convinced an entire race of strange creatures, Hobbits he called them, that he was a great and powerful wizard, "Gandalf the Grey," he said, alias Mithrandrir or some equally ridiculous name. He even showed me the stilts that he used to appear taller. He said that he even carried a staff to help with his balance. I told him to be careful, told him not to meddle in the affairs of wizards because they have no sense of humour and get ticked off really easily, but he only laughed.
I remember clearly the day that he left, saying that he had thought of his funniest prank yet. He said he had convinced a group of our cousins to take him on their quest to regain their ancestral home and kill the dragon who was currently residing there. He said he wanted to take one of the little Hobbit creatures with him, said it would be just too hilariously funny for words. I think that that's when he really got in over his head. After that, Gandalfr found himself famous. The little creature wrote a book about the experience, crediting Gandalfr with much of the mission's success. Suddenly, everyone wanted Gandalfr to be a part of their quest. He was known as a household name across Middle Earth.
I think that fame really went to Gandalfr's head. He started distancing himself from us, insisting we call him Tharkûn. He refused to acknowledge us publicly, made up some kind of nonsense about being an Isteri sent to Middle Earth by the Valor. The elves had lapped it up from the start, of course, which I think he found very funny. Some Sirdan guy even gave him a cool ring. I let it pass, thinking that he would reveal all once the One Ring was destroyed. But he kept playing his game right up until the end, sailing off into the distance to wherever it is that all the good elves go instead of dying. Those Valor things, whatever they were, probably got a nasty shock when he showed up with a boatload of elves all crowing that he was the best thing that they had ever sent them.
As I've said, this is not an easy thing for most people to believe. But I beg the reader to consider the facts. Have you not observed the great similarities between Gandalf and Gimli, the massive beards in particular? The way Gandalf mysteriously "knows" his way around the notorious maze of Khazad-dûm despite claiming to have only been there once or twice, yet clearly desires to avoid the place - and its dwarf occupants. I mean, it's even written down that he's a dwarf in the Völuspá, for crying out loud. It lists him as plain as day as being a dwarf, along with Bívurr, Bávurr, Bömburr and the rest of the gang. Deny that and, well, you're in denial.
It pains me indeed to call Gandalf a fraud, but that's exactly what he is. A fraud and an opportunist. It's time to call a spade a spade.
Regards, Vindalfr
