Turn Back Time, Chapter 3
By Arina Ketchum
Written October 6, 1999
The chilly November wind whipped around me, the leaves scurrying through the air and on the ground as I watched in the distance a flock of Spearow heading to a warmer climate for the winter. I pulled my hat lower, shielding my eyes from small bits of flying debris, then dug my hands deeper into my pockets, trying hard to keep warm. The sun was just sinking into the horizon, spreading it's rays of red, orange and gold light over the land one last time before nightfall.
What was I doing out here on this cold evening? Even I wasn't sure I knew. I looked down at where I was standing - in a well-kept graveyard, but more specifically, on a little hill in the graveyard, where two neatly kept graves stood, their gray headstones their only markers.
"Hello, Misty." I said as I looked down at the patch of earth. "It's me."
Suddenly, the wind really picked up, and I got down on one knee to get under the blast of cold air. Not that it did much good. I looked at the gravestones, the one on the left read, "Here lies Misty Hanosea- Waterflower, beloved daughter, sister, Gym Leader, and friend. Died from the poisonous bite of an Arbok. April 14, 1987 - August 20, 2006. The other marker read, "Here lies Togepi, beloved Pokémon of Misty Hanosea- Waterflower. Died of a broken heart after the death of its trainer. May 1999 - September 12, 2006"
And now it was a little after a year Togepi had passed that I was crouched here, unsure of what to say or do next.
"I - um - I have good news. Remember how I told you I applied to the University of Cerulean? Well, I got accepted, even though I didn't do very well on the standardized testing. They said they take a good range of people - they don't just need people with excellent grades. I guess I fit into the lower end of their scale." I laughed nervously, realized I was speaking in a rush. "You want to hear the letter they wrote me?" I was pulling the paper out even as I spoke.
"Dear Mr. Ketchum,
We are pleased to tell you that you have been accepted into Cerulean City Community College's program for higher education. Although you did not place as well as most other students on standardized tests, we feel you will excel at our school."
I folded the paper up and put it back in my pocket. "Then it just says how much they look forward to having me, the cost of tuition, that kind of thing." I mumbled. I looked out at the darkening sky. "I have a new friend." I said. Somehow, I couldn't bring myself to say "girlfriend" in front of Misty.
"Her name is Laura, and she's really nice. She's got brown hair and blue eyes. I think you would have gotten along with her."
"Todd Snap is visiting Pallet, showing his gallery of 'Pokémon Naturelle' pictures off. He didn't try to take any pictures of Pikachu this time, either."
There was a reason for that. A good one. Todd was horrified to learn (from me, no less) about Misty's death. He'd been on the road when the news spread about her, so he'd not heard anything...until he talked to me. I think he took it like Brock did. First he was in shock and disbelief, then he was upset, then the urge to beat the pulp out of me. Why did everyone's reactions turn out to be the same? They always ended up blaming me for her death, even though it wasn't my fault.
You heard me correctly - it's not my fault she died. A year ago, I thought differently, but even if I had been there when the Arbok attacked, I'm pretty sure the outcome would have been the same.
Wouldn't it?
"Pikachu's not here today, Misty. He went to the store with Mom to buy ketchup."
How could I tell her Pikachu got too upset every time it came that Nurse Joy thought it would be best if it didn't?
"Kenji's doing really well on his journey. He's gotten 15 new Pokemon since the last time. And remember that Squirtle of his, the one you loved so much? That evolved into a Wartortle."
Why was I even bothering making conversation? She was dead! She wasn't even a good friend! All she'd ever wanted was a bike out of me. Her dying words of, "I love you." were complete bull, right? She was just trying to let me know she was going to a better place, right?
A chill ran up my spine, and it wasn't because of the wind. I suddenly had a flashback of that day, even though I didn't want to. I could hear myself once again screaming at her - telling her to leave me alone once and for all. Kenji trying to change my mind - the terrified scream from Togepi...
"Oh God, NO! Not this again!" My fist slammed to the ground, trying to make the images in my head go away. I was suddenly consumed with overpowering guilt.
"I love you."
My head shot up and I looked around. "Misty?" No one was around. I must be losing my mind, I'm hearing her, even though she's..., I thought silently.
"All right Misty, I'm gonna be completely straight with you." I stood up. "This is not my fault." I pointed at the marker to reinforce my point. "You would have died anyway, even if we hadn't fought. And don't you dare think that for one minute I even meant what I said. I NEVER loved you. I barely even *liked* you."
I felt even worse after I said that, not better, as I had previously hoped. So much for getting things off one's chest.
"What happened to me...I feel so weak."
"You fell and hit your head." I whispered out loud. Why had I lied? To console her so she wouldn't panic, thrash around like a dying fish? She knew she had been bitten, she knew she was going to die...and yet I denied that to her out loud...and to myself.
Ash, you're losing it. I shook my head. Misty meant nothing to me. She never had, she never would. Trying to fool myself into believing we'd even have a future together, much less a friendship was ridiculous.
And yet...and yet I still pondered occasionally what would have happened if Misty hadn't died. Would we have admitted feelings to each other that weren't even there? Would we have gotten married, had kids, even? I half- shivered at the thought. One Misty in the world is enough.
Was enough.
Sure, I didn't want her to die. I mean, as a fellow human being. I didn't want to see her in pain either, again, as a fellow human being. So maybe she was better off wherever she was now. Of course if I'd had the brains not to get lost back then, and the strength to carry her a long distance, I probably could have gotten her to a doctor in time...
There I go again, reverting right back to my state from last year. I squeezed my eyes shut.
This. Was. NOT. MY. FAULT.
I'd woken up from a three week comatose state, to find my mother, Brock, and Kenji by my side. The only thing amiss was that Misty wasn't there...
"You killed Misty!" Violet's screaming rang through my ears again as we stood in the Cerulean Gym 5 months later. "This is all YOUR fault."
Then she proceeded to call me all sorts of obscene names, even after I'd apologized. I finally just remained silent, listening to her rants. She raised her hand to slap me several times, but since being arrested for assault the last time she got near me, (She technically wasn't supposed to come within 1000 feet of me) she didn't finish the act.
"Misty was right, if Team Rocket hadn't blasted their way into the Gym, you would have been beaten soundly by her! I should take that Gym Badge back from you right now."
I think that was the turning point in my career. My head shot up from it's bowed position so fast I'm sure I snapped some small bone in my neck.
"That's not true! I was winning that match! You know that. If Team Rocket -"
"Must you always blame someone else for your problems?"
I didn't just get angry then, I got really furious. Without even thinking, I rammed Lily, knocking her into the pool. Without apologizing, I turned and stormed out the door, hearing her sputtering as she surfaced. I slammed the door as I walked out, muttering, "It's not my fault. Nothing has been since I met Misty."
And so I've stayed in that frame of mind ever since. As I stood there, looking at the graves, I wondered if I was just fooling myself.
She loved you, Ash, and what did you give her in return? Death! All she ever wanted from you was three little heartfelt words from you, not a bike. Couldn't you have given her even that?
You could have saved her Ash! You know you could have! Charizard would have obeyed you and fried the Arbok for dinner! What the hell stopped you from racing back with Kenji and Pikachu?
You're guilty of murder Ash, and you know it. You're just as guilty as the Arbok, an accomplice to it! Say it Ash! Say it! Admit your feelings to the world, that you loved her body and soul, and that you killed her because you couldn't face your fear of being rejected!
"NO!" I screamed aloud. "NO, I DIDN'T KILL MISTY!" I fell to my knees and hands, tears running down my face. My body shook with pent up anguish. I grasped the grass with my fingers, digging my nails into the soft, wet soil. My jeans were getting soaked at the knees from the wet turf, but I didn't care. After a few moments of scraping together my sanity, I said in a quiet voice, "All right, Misty, you win. I don't care who knows it now. You were my friend, you were my enemy, but no matter what happened, no matter what I did, you stayed by me, and that's why I loved you." I wiped at my wet face, leaving smudges of dirt behind. "I never really could admit it to myself, let alone you. I thought it was the craziest idea in the world. I mean, all I ever cared about was Pokemon and training. I never really thought about falling in love. Settling down and raising a family? That wasn't my destiny! I yearned too much to travel, to be on the road, to be free. Can't you see, Misty? That's why I never said anything. I'm sorry I'm saying it now, far too late to act on my words."
I didn't get any reply except another howl from the wind. I stood up and looked to the east, where the lights of Cerulean City were twinkling against a black backdrop. Most of those people down there, they had no idea how the pain of losing a loved one felt like.
"But Misty, I never intended anything to happen to you that day. I figured you'd run after me and try to apologize and I'd be mad at you for a few hours, and then we'd be back the way we were. If there is one thing I want to do now more than anything else in the world, it's to turn back time and change everything that happened that day. But I can't, and you've got to understand that. You've got to let me go, I have to get on with my life."
Another whistling of the wind. No words of comfort saying, "It's ok, Ash, I forgive you, go marry Laura or whoever else is your soulmate instead." Just the wind. I closed my eyes for a minute, listening to its song, listening for a familiar voice.
After a few minutes and nothing especially interesting heard, I said quietly, "It's getting late, Misty, I'd better go."
As I stepped down the hill of wet grass, I thought about what I had just said and what I had just done. Maybe, in some small way, I had finally made peace with myself and Misty.
* * * *
I watched Ash walk down the hill as I sat on my gravestone, clutching Togepi to keep it warm. "I forgive you, Ash."
He looked up at the grave as I said that, but of course, he couldn't see us. "Toge-Togepi." (I forgive you too, Daddy.) Ash shook his head, and continued walking. I smiled down at Togepi, and said, "Let's go home."
So riding a wind current, we made our way to the stars, our home for eternity. I knew I'd see Ash again, and maybe then, finally, we'd admit face-to-face what was in our hearts all along.
End Chapter 3 The End
The chilly November wind whipped around me, the leaves scurrying through the air and on the ground as I watched in the distance a flock of Spearow heading to a warmer climate for the winter. I pulled my hat lower, shielding my eyes from small bits of flying debris, then dug my hands deeper into my pockets, trying hard to keep warm. The sun was just sinking into the horizon, spreading it's rays of red, orange and gold light over the land one last time before nightfall.
What was I doing out here on this cold evening? Even I wasn't sure I knew. I looked down at where I was standing - in a well-kept graveyard, but more specifically, on a little hill in the graveyard, where two neatly kept graves stood, their gray headstones their only markers.
"Hello, Misty." I said as I looked down at the patch of earth. "It's me."
Suddenly, the wind really picked up, and I got down on one knee to get under the blast of cold air. Not that it did much good. I looked at the gravestones, the one on the left read, "Here lies Misty Hanosea- Waterflower, beloved daughter, sister, Gym Leader, and friend. Died from the poisonous bite of an Arbok. April 14, 1987 - August 20, 2006. The other marker read, "Here lies Togepi, beloved Pokémon of Misty Hanosea- Waterflower. Died of a broken heart after the death of its trainer. May 1999 - September 12, 2006"
And now it was a little after a year Togepi had passed that I was crouched here, unsure of what to say or do next.
"I - um - I have good news. Remember how I told you I applied to the University of Cerulean? Well, I got accepted, even though I didn't do very well on the standardized testing. They said they take a good range of people - they don't just need people with excellent grades. I guess I fit into the lower end of their scale." I laughed nervously, realized I was speaking in a rush. "You want to hear the letter they wrote me?" I was pulling the paper out even as I spoke.
"Dear Mr. Ketchum,
We are pleased to tell you that you have been accepted into Cerulean City Community College's program for higher education. Although you did not place as well as most other students on standardized tests, we feel you will excel at our school."
I folded the paper up and put it back in my pocket. "Then it just says how much they look forward to having me, the cost of tuition, that kind of thing." I mumbled. I looked out at the darkening sky. "I have a new friend." I said. Somehow, I couldn't bring myself to say "girlfriend" in front of Misty.
"Her name is Laura, and she's really nice. She's got brown hair and blue eyes. I think you would have gotten along with her."
"Todd Snap is visiting Pallet, showing his gallery of 'Pokémon Naturelle' pictures off. He didn't try to take any pictures of Pikachu this time, either."
There was a reason for that. A good one. Todd was horrified to learn (from me, no less) about Misty's death. He'd been on the road when the news spread about her, so he'd not heard anything...until he talked to me. I think he took it like Brock did. First he was in shock and disbelief, then he was upset, then the urge to beat the pulp out of me. Why did everyone's reactions turn out to be the same? They always ended up blaming me for her death, even though it wasn't my fault.
You heard me correctly - it's not my fault she died. A year ago, I thought differently, but even if I had been there when the Arbok attacked, I'm pretty sure the outcome would have been the same.
Wouldn't it?
"Pikachu's not here today, Misty. He went to the store with Mom to buy ketchup."
How could I tell her Pikachu got too upset every time it came that Nurse Joy thought it would be best if it didn't?
"Kenji's doing really well on his journey. He's gotten 15 new Pokemon since the last time. And remember that Squirtle of his, the one you loved so much? That evolved into a Wartortle."
Why was I even bothering making conversation? She was dead! She wasn't even a good friend! All she'd ever wanted was a bike out of me. Her dying words of, "I love you." were complete bull, right? She was just trying to let me know she was going to a better place, right?
A chill ran up my spine, and it wasn't because of the wind. I suddenly had a flashback of that day, even though I didn't want to. I could hear myself once again screaming at her - telling her to leave me alone once and for all. Kenji trying to change my mind - the terrified scream from Togepi...
"Oh God, NO! Not this again!" My fist slammed to the ground, trying to make the images in my head go away. I was suddenly consumed with overpowering guilt.
"I love you."
My head shot up and I looked around. "Misty?" No one was around. I must be losing my mind, I'm hearing her, even though she's..., I thought silently.
"All right Misty, I'm gonna be completely straight with you." I stood up. "This is not my fault." I pointed at the marker to reinforce my point. "You would have died anyway, even if we hadn't fought. And don't you dare think that for one minute I even meant what I said. I NEVER loved you. I barely even *liked* you."
I felt even worse after I said that, not better, as I had previously hoped. So much for getting things off one's chest.
"What happened to me...I feel so weak."
"You fell and hit your head." I whispered out loud. Why had I lied? To console her so she wouldn't panic, thrash around like a dying fish? She knew she had been bitten, she knew she was going to die...and yet I denied that to her out loud...and to myself.
Ash, you're losing it. I shook my head. Misty meant nothing to me. She never had, she never would. Trying to fool myself into believing we'd even have a future together, much less a friendship was ridiculous.
And yet...and yet I still pondered occasionally what would have happened if Misty hadn't died. Would we have admitted feelings to each other that weren't even there? Would we have gotten married, had kids, even? I half- shivered at the thought. One Misty in the world is enough.
Was enough.
Sure, I didn't want her to die. I mean, as a fellow human being. I didn't want to see her in pain either, again, as a fellow human being. So maybe she was better off wherever she was now. Of course if I'd had the brains not to get lost back then, and the strength to carry her a long distance, I probably could have gotten her to a doctor in time...
There I go again, reverting right back to my state from last year. I squeezed my eyes shut.
This. Was. NOT. MY. FAULT.
I'd woken up from a three week comatose state, to find my mother, Brock, and Kenji by my side. The only thing amiss was that Misty wasn't there...
"You killed Misty!" Violet's screaming rang through my ears again as we stood in the Cerulean Gym 5 months later. "This is all YOUR fault."
Then she proceeded to call me all sorts of obscene names, even after I'd apologized. I finally just remained silent, listening to her rants. She raised her hand to slap me several times, but since being arrested for assault the last time she got near me, (She technically wasn't supposed to come within 1000 feet of me) she didn't finish the act.
"Misty was right, if Team Rocket hadn't blasted their way into the Gym, you would have been beaten soundly by her! I should take that Gym Badge back from you right now."
I think that was the turning point in my career. My head shot up from it's bowed position so fast I'm sure I snapped some small bone in my neck.
"That's not true! I was winning that match! You know that. If Team Rocket -"
"Must you always blame someone else for your problems?"
I didn't just get angry then, I got really furious. Without even thinking, I rammed Lily, knocking her into the pool. Without apologizing, I turned and stormed out the door, hearing her sputtering as she surfaced. I slammed the door as I walked out, muttering, "It's not my fault. Nothing has been since I met Misty."
And so I've stayed in that frame of mind ever since. As I stood there, looking at the graves, I wondered if I was just fooling myself.
She loved you, Ash, and what did you give her in return? Death! All she ever wanted from you was three little heartfelt words from you, not a bike. Couldn't you have given her even that?
You could have saved her Ash! You know you could have! Charizard would have obeyed you and fried the Arbok for dinner! What the hell stopped you from racing back with Kenji and Pikachu?
You're guilty of murder Ash, and you know it. You're just as guilty as the Arbok, an accomplice to it! Say it Ash! Say it! Admit your feelings to the world, that you loved her body and soul, and that you killed her because you couldn't face your fear of being rejected!
"NO!" I screamed aloud. "NO, I DIDN'T KILL MISTY!" I fell to my knees and hands, tears running down my face. My body shook with pent up anguish. I grasped the grass with my fingers, digging my nails into the soft, wet soil. My jeans were getting soaked at the knees from the wet turf, but I didn't care. After a few moments of scraping together my sanity, I said in a quiet voice, "All right, Misty, you win. I don't care who knows it now. You were my friend, you were my enemy, but no matter what happened, no matter what I did, you stayed by me, and that's why I loved you." I wiped at my wet face, leaving smudges of dirt behind. "I never really could admit it to myself, let alone you. I thought it was the craziest idea in the world. I mean, all I ever cared about was Pokemon and training. I never really thought about falling in love. Settling down and raising a family? That wasn't my destiny! I yearned too much to travel, to be on the road, to be free. Can't you see, Misty? That's why I never said anything. I'm sorry I'm saying it now, far too late to act on my words."
I didn't get any reply except another howl from the wind. I stood up and looked to the east, where the lights of Cerulean City were twinkling against a black backdrop. Most of those people down there, they had no idea how the pain of losing a loved one felt like.
"But Misty, I never intended anything to happen to you that day. I figured you'd run after me and try to apologize and I'd be mad at you for a few hours, and then we'd be back the way we were. If there is one thing I want to do now more than anything else in the world, it's to turn back time and change everything that happened that day. But I can't, and you've got to understand that. You've got to let me go, I have to get on with my life."
Another whistling of the wind. No words of comfort saying, "It's ok, Ash, I forgive you, go marry Laura or whoever else is your soulmate instead." Just the wind. I closed my eyes for a minute, listening to its song, listening for a familiar voice.
After a few minutes and nothing especially interesting heard, I said quietly, "It's getting late, Misty, I'd better go."
As I stepped down the hill of wet grass, I thought about what I had just said and what I had just done. Maybe, in some small way, I had finally made peace with myself and Misty.
* * * *
I watched Ash walk down the hill as I sat on my gravestone, clutching Togepi to keep it warm. "I forgive you, Ash."
He looked up at the grave as I said that, but of course, he couldn't see us. "Toge-Togepi." (I forgive you too, Daddy.) Ash shook his head, and continued walking. I smiled down at Togepi, and said, "Let's go home."
So riding a wind current, we made our way to the stars, our home for eternity. I knew I'd see Ash again, and maybe then, finally, we'd admit face-to-face what was in our hearts all along.
End Chapter 3 The End
