Bunny - Clarysage's and Caroline's fics are some of the few I first read, and it was probably their fics that made me fall in love with 1x2. The fic you're thinking of is Clarysage's "Popcorn." Yes, it is a little like that. Though, I like to think of it more as Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. One of my friends calls it a Postmodern Deconstruction something or other. =P It's all how you look at it.
::::::::VICTOLY::::::
Case Two: The Stalker
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Trowa and Duo were over for tea at Quatre's again. Neither of them knew why, exactly. They didn't even like tea that much. It just seemed like a thing to do.
"So, Heero's still on this 'original' kick of his?" Quatre asked, in a tone that told everyone he had two things on his mind: tea and how Trowa would look naked swimming in a large Disneyland ride cup of tea.
"He's even abandoned his project of rebuilding Wing Zero Custom from scratch!" Duo wailed. Not that he cared about Heero Yuy. No. Not at all. He hated the asshole.
Lying, stinking, backstabbing, tissue thief…
"And I noticed a few of my towels missing!" The Braided One continued on. "I feel like a motel that he spent the night in with a cheap hooker."
Trowa looked confused. "Relena's not cheap. Have you seen the size of her house?" His voice was soft and level, as always, which spoke that he was only thinking about two things; where he could get some coffee and how he could get away from Quatre.
Quatre sipped his tea again. "Relena-san's not a cheap hooker." Mischief flashed in his eyes for a brief second, which was quickly covered up by his sweet and innocent façade. "She's a bitch."
Trowa and Duo stared at the blonde, fair-skinned boy like he'd grown scales and a tale and had started hissing fire.
Quatre looked up, blinking owlishly.
"You just called Relena a…" Trowa tried to finish that, but his mind was in overdrive, unable to understand what had just happened.
Quatre smiled at him, a sweet smile that parted the clouds and some such nonsense that was supposed to win Trowa's heart but really wanted to send him running to the hills… "A bitch, now pass me the kettle please?"
Duo did so with a shaky hand. The two boys watched their friend refill his cup and sip, worshiping the taste as it swam down his throat.
Trowa and Duo looked at each other then back at Quatre.
Then, that evil, mischievous look was back in Quatre's eyes. His smile turned a little… twisted… "Well, if Heero gets to act original, so do I."
It was about that time, no time in particular, it just seemed like a good time, that Heero came over with Relena Peacecraft… or Darlian… or Whatever… in tow.
Or rather, it was the other way around. Relena led Heero into the room, guiding him by the hand and sitting him down next to Duo on the large couch.
This couch was a big Yaoi fan, and started drooling profusely.
They got a good look at the "Perfect Soldier" whom, at the moment, looked like "The Perfect Village Idiot." Plainly put, he was shell-shocked. His jaw was hanging open at an odd angle, hitting the floor and his tongue looked a sickly color, like it had drunk cheap liquor all night and wanted to sit over the toilet right now. His eyes, definitely blue, were more emptier than usual.
Duo looked at Relena. She was a self-satisfied look on her somewhat attractive face. (1)
That led the one-tracked brain of Duo Maxwell to only one, because it was one-tracked you see, conclusion.
"EWWW!" He slapped Heero across the face. "You slept with her?! You son-of-a-bitch, I'll kill you! How could you do this to me? I hate you! Are you listening to me?" He looked around frantically, for anything he could use as a weapon, not noticing the bewildered look Heero gave him.
Relena blushed. "No, you have it all wrong -!"
"I doubt that, sister." Duo grabbed one of Quatre's violins off a shelf, walked back to Heero, and smacked him across the head with it.
"My poor violin!" Quatre wailed.
In the confusion that followed, Trowa pulled a flask of alcohol from his pocket, put his feet on the table, and sat back in a state of utter bliss to watch the show.
Duo dived for a vase, throwing that in the immobile Heero, and cried out with joy as glass, water, and flower smashed over the Japanese boy's head.
Relena and Quatre were both chasing after him, trying to get him to stop. Quatre because most of the stuff in his home was horribly expensive, and Relena because she was horribly embarrassed.
Duo grabbed the tea set and threw every individual piece of china at Heero's head. Quatre wailed as if in pain. Trowa threw up a round of applause.
*
Someplace far away, but not so far away that it was another galaxy where they fought other wars in space, there was Wufei Chang.
See, Wufei still didn't like this peace idea.
Nope.
Not one lick of it.
Or a scratch for that matter.
He pulled the trigger out of his trench coat. He'd gotten to wearing a trench coat because it made him look mysterious and dangerous, and very nearly cool. Only nearly though. And he was wearing his hair loose because apparently it made him look nice. He pulled the trigger out of his trench coat and pressed the button.
And the button didn't make the base go boom.
Wufei's black eyes flew open in wide disbelief, then he began pushing the trigger repeatedly.
Still nothing happened.
"SHIT!"
Though the base was horribly grateful that it was not going to go boom.
*
Heero had gotten tired of having his "best friend" throwing various objects at him and had decided to use his superior strength to grab him and tie him down into a chair. With a lot of rope he got Lord-knows-where.
"Are you ready to listen now?" he asked the seething ex-pilot.
Duo was frothing saliva, drops cascading the corners of his mouth. His eyes were bloodshot and one could say looking into them made them think they were looking at the very Devil…
Heero rolled his eyes. "We could take you to the vet, but at this point I'm pretty sure he'd say we had to put you to sleep."
Duo swallowed his drool. "Okay, what?"
Relena stepped forward. "I'm sorry for leading you to the wrong conclusion, Duo. See, Heero and I didn't sleep together. We just got back on our date and he wanted to be brought here after I told him… well…"
Heero had that blank look in his eyes again. "She doesn't like me."
"How was I supposed to know?" Relena cried at him angrily. "You never talk to me and you're always running away! How am I supposed to get to know you and see if I like you or not if you do that?"
Duo stared at her with much the same expression that Heero had had earlier. Though he looked more like the Village Idiot because of the slobber on his face.
Quatre walked back into the room then, armed with a fresh tea set. "What did you learn about our Heero, then, Relena, that made you decide you didn't like him after all? Trowa, stop trying to climb out the window."
Trowa fell back into the room from where he had been perched on the railing. "Shit…"
Relena sighed. "He's the most boring person I've ever met. Sure, he could kill people with his pinky finger, but he's virtually got nothing else going for him. He knows nothing about the current news, he doesn't have interesting things to say outside a war room, and… He's a fanboy to a show I've never heard of… and kept talking about this Gorgeous person who died naked and slept with his brother or something…"
Duo nodded. "Maze."
"Yeah, well, I just decided that we weren't right for each other at all." She looked at Heero pointedly. "And if he had stood still long enough, we could have done this a lot sooner and not have had to wait two years. I feel like some sort of stalker."
Quatre let out a cough, trying unsuccessfully to control his laughter. Trowa didn't bother covering it up at all, he just threw back his head and cackled.
Heero was still looking dazed.
Duo sighed and tried to meet his gaze, though that was kind of hard since Heero was looking away and he was tied up.
"Uh, Heero? Buddy? Pal? You're not mad about all the stuff I threw at you, right?"
Heero blinked. He moved, hand flying out fast to grab Quatre's tea cup, and dumped the warm liquid all over Duo's head.
The boy cried out and Heero smiled sweetly with acid.
"No, Duo, buddy, pal. I'm not mad at all."
He offered to walk Relena to her car and the two left the room.
Quatre picked up his cup and refilled it, sipping ecstatically. "Well, we tried to tell you… Trowa, put that down."
Trowa had been trying to sneak up on him and hit him over the head with a brick. He sighed, dropped it, and it landed on his foot. He jumped around in pain while the brick pointed and laughed at him.
Duo and Quatre didn't even give him a glance.
"So, can I be untied now?" Duo asked.
"No, I'm in a kinky mood today," Quatre responded smoothly.
Duo amethyst/purple/blue/rainbow colored eyes got horribly wide. Trowa was trying to hang himself with the curtains, but it wasn't strong enough and fell off, Trowa falling with it.
Just then, Wufei walked in.
"Fei! My hero! Not my Heero, my hero, oh… I hate that joke so much - anyway, can you get me untied? Please?" Duo batted his eyelashes, pleading.
Wufei walked all the way into the room silently, saw Trowa in a mess on the floor, Duo tied up and looking like a lost puppy, and Quatre looking like Satan.
"Feeling kinky today, Quatre?" he asked finally.
Quatre smirked ever so slightly.
"You devil." Wufei poured himself a cup of tea.
*
"Zechs… I don't know how to say this, but…" Noin took a deep breath. "I'm leaving you for Sally Po!"
The tall blonde man blinked for several times. Then his eyes settled on hers, astonished. "Huh?"
"You heard me." Noin stood firm. Behind the corner, Sally stood silently worried and waiting for her lover so they could quickly leave.
Zechs thought about many things in that moment. Many things that would have astonished the many of us who would prefer it if Zechs was just another dumb blonde. Yes. A tall, cute, dumb blonde that we could coax into posing nude for us - Oh, wait, where was I? Sorry. Lost my train there for a minute. Okay, Zechs was thinking about a lot of different things. Finally, he settled on one in particular.
"Can I get pictures?"
Noin slapped him.
Never mind. Zechs is now and forever more a dumb blonde.
*
Heero came back into the room. Trowa was lifting up a small sofa and was going to smash Quatre over the head with it. Quatre sat beside Wufei and the two were drinking tea placidly. Duo was hunched over in his seat, still tied up.
Wufei turned his head slightly. "Barton, get over your stupid cooties and deal with the fact that what you are feeling is not anger toward Quatre, but unquestionable and undeniable lust which won't even be sated even after a night of hot, passionate love-making."
Trowa stood, transfixed by what the Chinese boy had just told him. After a second his hold on the sofa slackened and it dropped on his head. He fell to the floor, unconscious.
"He needs to sleep it off," Wufei informed Quatre, sipping his tea.
Quatre nodded. "I know. I've been dealing with it for years now." He sipped his tea.
Duo was mumbling something along the lines of, "All these sipping sounds are driving me nuts… I think I see stars… The birdies are singing… La la…"
Heero turned on his heel and left for that day.
*
Fred looked up from the TV and his beer to watch Heero walk into the apartment.
"The couch has been worried about you," Fred informed him.
"Ah." Heero took off to his room, closing the door behind him.
Fred turned to the couch. "Do you think a princess like him could go for a guy like me?"
"You're a cockroach," the couch told him.
"I know. But he's on the rebound since his hooker left him."
"That's petty. Besides, that braided boy looked like he had claws in him already."
Fred sighed and drank his beer. "All the cute ones are always taken."
Heero pulled a piece of glass out of his head, cursed Duo, and went to the bathroom to bandage his wounds. The toilet hooted and hollered in his direction, but he paid it no mind. No one should ever pay real attention to their toilet. That's just too weird.
If only Quatre wasn't so fond of Duo, maybe he could kill him…
*
The couch in Duo's house sighed. The TV wasn't on. He missed Heero.
He couldn't bear to watch it without him.
Then, the telephone ringed.
The couch jumped up and got it. "Hello, Maxwell-Yuy residence, no they are not married… uh, wait, it's just Maxwell now, Yuy moved out… Anyway, I'm their couch, even though Heero's gone and left me behind. Who's speaking?"
"It's me, couch."
The couch's heart skipped a beat, and swelled with warmth and love. "Heero!"
On the other line, Heero laughed slightly. "Hey, you. I thought I'd give you a call. Is… is he there?"
"No. And did you know that if you start talking to inanimate objects in your sleep," the couch asked, "it might mean that you're crazy?"
With that, Heero woke from his dream, sitting up like a shot, his skin soaked in sweat.
He ran a hand threw his hair. "I'm not crazy… I'm not."
*
The couch in Duo's house hung up the phone sadly and returned to his silent vigil in front of the TV. Silently, he wept.
*
Heero sat back in the bed, trying to keep himself from shaking and finding that he couldn't. "I'm not crazy, I'm not…"
Fred knocked on his door. "Hey, kid, you alright in there?"
"I'm not crazy and I do NOT have a cockroach for a roommate…"
Fred sighed. "Okay, kid, whatever you say. When you come out let me know and I'll fix ya something to eat, okay?"
"Okay…"
He heard the silent patter along the floor that told him that Fred was walking back to the living room. Where his beer and the TV and the couch were waiting.
Heero sighed. "I'm not crazy."
"The first step to recovery is admitting the problem," his bed told him.
"AHHHH!" He screamed, jumped up, and decided to sleep in the closet that night.
TBC…
Yes, I know I'm crazy.
1. I like women. I like women a lot. As much as Relena irritates me… sometimes she don't look so bad. Like, in EW. *hides a smile* Go on with observing the men. Shoo! Do not be witness to my embarrassment, you heathens!
