Wufei's New Look - I used to look at Ponderosa's fan art a whole lot. 'Nuff said.
::::::::Zergadisu:::::: (Oh, and is anyone noticing these "Engrish" words? These are pure, 100% Engrish. Guaranteed.)
Case Three: I'm not crazy, I swear! Or, There's Something About Wufei
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"And another thing!" Heero was winding down on his long rant. None of his friends had ever heard him go on about one subject for so long now. It was going on three weeks. Duo needed to use the lavatory.
Badly.
"I'm not crazy!" Heero shouted from his vintage point on the coffee table. The coffee table didn't know why that's what its name was. It had never seen a pot of coffee in its entire existence.
Trowa was beginning to share his opinion.
Much to his chagrin, he was beginning to enjoy Quatre's tea.
Such were the things of madness.
Little did he know the reason why he liked the tea so much. He would never expect it from Quatre. Which was why he was getting away with it. The little devil.
The coffee table got fed up of Heero's dirty shoes on its furnished surface, and kicked him off.
"'We're all mad here'," Wufei recited, reading from the copy of Alice in Wonderland in his lap. "'I'm mad, you're mad.'"
Heero glared at him. "None of us are crazy."
"I like to say mildly eccentric," Quatre murmured over the rim of his tea.
"You're rich," Duo pointed out. "People call you eccentric to be polite and in the hopes you'll give them a large sum of money in your will."
"The rest of us aren't so lucky," Wufei added. "Duo is working with Hilde on that clean up project for the junkyard - A junkyard, people. I'm a Preventor and New York Cops get better pay than I do. Trowa works part-time at a circus. His big sister throws knives at him and he feeds the lions. That's it. And I'm not even going into Heero."
The Perfect Slob glared at the Chinese man.
Quatre sighed, took Heero's Glare, buttered it, then ate it. "Well, I offer you people money but you're too proud and untrusting to take it."
"We all suffer from extreme paranoia. Especially Duo." Wufei smirked at the braided American.
Duo glared at him. "Hey, just because I have a Caffeine problem in Road Trip Arc…"
"You have a problem in that fic, too, Wufei," Trowa said softly.
"He speaks!" Duo shouted.
"And what, pray tell, is my problem? I thought I had a nice role in that one." Wufei asked, not a little snarky.
"It was revealed in a recent chapter that you're in love with Duo," Trowa explained, "and you don't do anything about it because you believe Heero and Duo are true soul mates."
Wufei and Duo looked at each other. Then they looked at Heero.
Heero raised an eyebrow at them.
Wufei and Duo, unable to hold it in any more, fell over themselves laughing.
Through hiccups and tears, Duo managed, "My soul mate is Heero? Oh Lord! AHAHAHA!"
"Me? Secretly in love with Maxwell? That's a riot!" Wufei shouted.
Trowa calmly pointed at the two of them, holding onto each other while laughing. Wufei threw Duo off of him with alarm.
"Stay away from me, you Hentai!" he shouted.
"Me?" Duo yelped, picking himself off from the floor, where he'd landed near Heero's feet. "You were grabbing a feel, I know it! You're more of a Hentai than I am. All stoic men are secretly perverts." He nodded firmly in his belief.
"Who gave you that idea?" Heero asked.
Everyone looked at Heero pointedly.
"Oh shut up," he snapped.
Duo decided to take his chances then and made a beeline for the toilet…
*
Some time later…
Everyone still sat in Quatre's living room.
"So, are we crazy?" Duo asked.
Heero said, "No," at the same time Wufei said, "Yes."
"Well, I went crazy for a few episodes and almost got Trowa killed," Quatre remarked with sad blue eyes. For a moment Trowa began to drown in them before his caught himself, grabbed a vase, and smashed into his own head. Nobody paid him any mind.
"Heero, you've tried to blow yourself up on more than one occasion," Wufei pointed out.
"And succeeded once," Duo added.
"You were in a coma for months," Trowa remarked. "I should know, I was taking care of you. Then you woke up and encouraged me to blow myself up."
Heero slunk in his seat, pouting. Duo tried his hardest not to notice how cute that lower lip was… "You didn't have to agree, Barton."
Trowa shrugged. "Not to mention that Duo almost followed your example."
"Hey!" The braided one complained.
"If it hadn't been deactivated." Wufei cast a suspicious look Heero's way. "I always wondered how you managed to never notice that, Duo."
Duo scratched at his sex toy hair. "Well, it just never came up. I mean, sure, after the first time Dr. G deactivated it, I made sure it was working… But Howard worked on it after that, so maybe he switched it off again." He shrugged, getting tired of the subject.
Wufei smirked at Heero. Heero pretended to ignore him.
"And let's not forget that most of us have almost no qualms with killing a man," Wufei said. "How psychotic does a person have to be to get like that?"
Quatre gave him a glare. "That's a low blow."
"No, you wanna see a low blow?" Duo asked, being smart. He turned to Heero and grinned but before he could do anything Heero glared at him balefully.
"Don't even think about it, braid boy."
Duo pouted. "Damn. You ruin all my fun."
"Good."
"Fine."
"Well, since this is going to turn into a large flirt session, I'm going to head off." Wufei rose from his seat and headed for the door. "Have fun, fledglings."
Duo and Heero glared at his back, but he was already gone.
*
Wufei sang "Those Were The Days" softly as he connected the fusses to the fireworks. With a grin and a gleaming look in his eyes, he stepped back and found the end of the fuse. Then lit it.
Each one of the fireworks exploded as the flame reached them, and Wufei sat back watching.
"Heh. Of course we're crazy."
A nearby house caught on fire. Wufei smirked as he noticed it was Lady Une's.
Une ran outside, screaming bloody murder, and carrying a large… something over her shoulder.
Curious, Wufei followed her, leaving his fireworks behind. The Hobbits found the rest of them and exploded and died.
*
Quatre snapped his fingers suddenly, eyes glowing. "I know! I know who can settle this." He picked up the phone and dialed a number from memory.
"Who do you think he's calling?" Duo asked.
"Heero's psychiatrist?" Trowa asked, not a little drowsily.
Heero shook his head. "No, he's dead, remember?"
Duo snickered. "Oh, yeah, that 'tragic accident.' I remember that."
Heero smirked. Yeah, just smirked. A man of many words, our Heero Yuy. Pfft.
Quatre talked softly into the phone and hung up. "Okay, they'll be over in a minute."
"They?" Duo asked. "They who?"
Then, in a swirl of purple/violet/amethyst light that didn't originate in Duo's eyes but the like of which Gorgeous would be proud of, two girls appeared.
To some, these two are quite familiar. While to others they may be totally new. But to the boys, they knew these two especially well - for they were two fan girl authors.
Two authors they had thought they'd escaped from long ago, in a valiant battle of wills and lawsuits and half-forgotten pay checks.
But here they were, back again. A short brunette girl wearing a white and brown bathrobe-like outfit and her companion, a slightly younger and taller girl with multi-colored hair and gleaming eyes. The brunette had a lightsaber in her hand (rainbow blade) and the multi-colored hair girl had a large, 6 ½ foot scythe in her hand, the blade three feet long. They both looked incredibly confused on why they were there. Their eyes fell on the boys and the boys' eyes fell upon them. They stared at each other for long moments. A tumbleweed, probably the same one before, that sadist, breezed by. (1)
"You!" the boys screamed.
The brunette, Chrissy, raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, us."
DT suddenly glared at the boys. "Okay, who's bright idea was it to call us out of the Holocabana?" (2)
Duo and Trowa point at Quatre.
"Gee, thanks guys," Quatre muttered.
DT sighed. "Well, Quatre, you're so cute I can't hold anything against you."
Quatre rolled his eyes. "I know."
"I've got things against you," Trowa said.
Quatre glomped him. "Thank you, Trowa!" Which at, Trowa fainted with the sheer shock.
Duo and Heero sweat dropped.
"I mean, Vhaid and I just wanted to do something before tonight's episode of Hellfire Tonight so when Onee-chan invited us to the Holocabana, we thought it was a great idea." DT suddenly looked around, confused. "Where is Vhaid, anyway?" (3)
Chrissy frowned. "Quatre pulled us out right when the giant raptors were going to attack…"
DT gasped. "Oh no! My beloved!" She snapped her fingers and was gone in another blur of violet smoke. Chrissy remained, coughing at the smoke. The smoke laughed continued to fill her lungs to spite her and give her cancer in a few years.
"It's just a game," Chrissy murmured, glaring balefully at nothing. "And it ain't like Vhaid can't take care of himself. He's the high ranking general in hell and head of security, fer cryin' out loud."
Duo blinked. "Huh? Who's Vhaid?"
Chrissy went over and hit him. "How could you not know who Vhaid is? He was at the last family reunion!"
Duo blinked again. "Oh, him! He seemed like a nice guy."
"Of course he is, or I wouldn't let him near my Imouto-chan." Chrissy nodded firmly to herself. "Well, I suppose I should go join them."
"Wait!" Quatre cried. "I have a question for you."
Chrissy sighed and deactivated her lightsaber. "Alright, but you guys owe me a beam canon after this one." No one took her away from her Holocabana without paying for it.
"Do you think we're crazy?" Quatre asked.
"Yes," answered the self insertion without thought.
"Wait, wait," Heero interjected. "How do you know?"
"That you're crazy?" Chrissy threw back her head and laughed. "Insanity is contagious, remember. You boys made me crazy, so I should know, shouldn't I?"
Heero made a face. "That doesn't prove a thing."
"Sure it does," Duo said.
Chrissy smiled and walked over to Heero, standing nose-to-nose with him. "You really want to know if you're crazy?"
Heero nodded mutely, looking squeamish at her invading his personal space.
Chrissy reached into her robes and pulled out a plushie of Woman Maze. Heero's eyes gleamed and he reached out with grabbing hands.
"Gimme, gimme, gimme!" he cried.
The SI threw the doll up in the air and watched as Heero made a dive to get it, falling off the end of the couch and onto the floor. But he was too happy about his plushie to care.
Chrissy smiled triumphantly. "See? Crazy." She snapped her fingers and was gone with more of that smoke.
*
Even later…
When Trowa next woke up, his head was pounding and a football team was practicing for their next game in his head. He sat up dizzily, only to realize he couldn't sit up.
It took him few moments to realize he was strapped down.
It took him another few moments to realize he was strapped down to a bed.
It took him even more few moments to realize who's bed he was strapped to. And ladies, it wasn't his own.
It was about that time that he realized he was naked.
He heard a giggle off to the side, and turned to see Quatre.
A naked Quatre.
A naked Quatre holding a whip.
A naked Quatre, holding a whip, and grinning at him with a LOOK in his eyes.
Then, he screamed.
*
1. If anyone remembers Parody From Hell, you know I love popping up in my own fics and dragging my little sister along for the ride. We don't have big parts, but we do show up from time to time.
2. The Holocabana, of MST fame. I forget who originated it, if someone does please tell me. It's a game that shows up in most MSTs these days at least once, it synthesizes reality for the players. It can have multiple players too, there's no limit what you can do. You can do anything, from fighting giant monsters with big guns to playing James Bond. =P
3. DT did her own spoof now. Hell finally has its own news show, hosted by the Devil herself. Hopefully the only thing these guys will have to deal with will be the weather ferret's worshippers... Look for Neon Genesis Evangelion and Cardcaptor Sakura references. Check it out and tell her she's great, or I will smite you all. Muhahahahaha! Look in my profile for the link.
TBC. Please review. And CHECK OUT DT'S FIC! DAMN YOU!!
