DT: The bubonic plague is still going strong, with more than 500,000 residents of the Lower Region quadrant of Hell suffering in hospitals. [Sighs] Didn't you people listen to me last night? GET THE DAMNED SHOTS. Again, it isn't worth going through immense pain and suffering with huge boils in your groin is you aren't going to die. Hopefully tomorrow night I can report that there are less cases of the plague and that more people have been getting the vaccine. Otherwise I'm going to be mad. [Holds up her scythe threateningly] - Episode Three, Hellfire Tonight

Just a friendly reminder for you all to check out Hellfire Tonight. The link is in my profile, unless you're reading this on GW Universe - if you are, it was in the previous chapter. UPDATE: Episode Four is up and running as of today. Check it out, or face my wrath. *smirk*

Case Four: We Can Make Him Bigger, Stronger, Faster...

:::::::::::::::::::Randing Gear:::::::::::::::::::::

"I've got it!" Heero shouted suddenly, running out of his room and surprising a half-asleep Fred and couch.

"Got what?" Fred the cockroach asked.

Heero had a maniacal gleam in his eyes. Looking into those Prussian blue eyes would make anyone and everyone quite sure that the Perfect Psycho had finally gone off his rocker.

"I've got the perfect way to be original." Heero pulled his gun out of the closet, loaded it, stuck it into the back of his spandex shorts -

"Wait a second." Heero glared at his shorts. "These are definitely not original, are they?"

Fred shook his head silently, raising an antennae in the same manner as one would raising an eyebrow.

Heero pulled off his shorts, giving the perverted roach and couch something to keep themselves occupied for the next few hours, went back into his room and pulled on some quite ordinary sweat pants that made his butt look big.

"Well?" He came back out and asked the roach and couch, who were both slack jawed and drooling over what they had seen mere moments before.

"What?" Fred asked, blinking.

Heero nodded to himself, stuck his gun into his pants, then headed out the door.

The couch suddenly frowned. "What do you think he's up to?"

Fred shrugged, both of his antennae raised.

*

Hilde was a brilliant girl and had a definite mind of her own. So Duo could not convince her to go on a date with him so people would stop thinking he was gay.

Well, it wasn't the gay part that bothered him too much, because, well… It was the Heero part of the whole equation that did it.

He was always too angry at Heero to want a relationship.

Heero frustrated him more than any other human being alive. (1)

And people thought Duo was annoying because he was a chatterbox!

He wasn't a chatterbox. Slightly crazy and a little hyper at times, but not a chatterbox. Why did people think that? Where did they get that idea? (2)

Besides, if he didn't talk, all the other ex-pilots wouldn't. He, and Quatre, were the ones that got all of them together after all. Especially Quatre, but Duo didn't want to give him all the credit.

"Come on, Hilde!"

"No is no, Duo," said the quite pretty girl with short blue hair. "You know that Cathy and I have an understanding." (3)

Duo scratched his head. "Something like 'If you date anyone other than me, I will kill them and hold you responsible.'"

Hilde nodded. "Yup."

Duo rolled his eyes. "Only the sister of Trowa Barton would say stuff like that."

Hilde glared at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Duo, nervously, backed away from the advancing girl. "Nothing! I swear!"

"Good." Hilde smirked, going back to her work and not noticing the boy who walked into the shop just then.

"Duo," said a nasal voice next to his ear. Duo jumped, not having noticed Heero walk in.

"Don't scare me, you psycho!" he complained.

Heero grabbed Duo's wrist in a vice grip. "Come on, I have a new idea."

Duo stared at him. "You're nuts, you know that? What's your idea this time?"

Heero grinned, eyes still lustrous. "Just come on, we've got to go pick up Quatre and Trowa."

He pulled Duo from the store and Hilde watched after them, smirking all the while.

"I wonder when they're going to figure it out…" She mused.

*

They got out of the car and followed Heero through the cemetery.

"What on Earth and the colonies are we doing here?" Trowa asked.

Quatre looked inquiringly at Duo. "Yes, you and Heero didn't tell us much on the way over here."

Duo shrugged. "He's got a new idea for being original, that's all he told me."

"So that's why he was laughing all the way here," Trowa mused. "Let's not let him drive anymore."

"I second the motion," Quatre agreed.

Heero suddenly stopped in front of one gravestone in particular after searching for it for a few moments. His eyes had deadly intent. The other pilots came closer so they could see who's grave it was their friend was standing on.

"Doctor J?!" The boys exclaimed.

Heero gave them a withering look. "Who else?"

"Oh Lord," Duo complained, slightly worried. "What are you gonna do?"

"Something I've always wanted to do," Heero explained. "This is the bastard responsible for everyone writing me as just a cold-hearted, emotionless bastard. It's all his fault. Now that he's dead, I can't make him pay. This is my only option."

Heero turned from them and the three other boys heard the sound as he unzipped his pants.

The three gawked.

"Heero…" Quatre murmured.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Duo demanded. This was a place of mourning, Heero had no right to…

"I'm going to piss on his grave, that's what I'm going to do!" Heero shouted at them.

Trowa suddenly started laughing. "I can't believe he's actually going to -"

"Don't talk, don't talk, you'll make it crawl back up," Heero told them.

Trowa started laughing even harder when he heard… the sound of "water" landing on the grass.

Just then, a caretaker was walking past and saw them. "Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Trowa laughed even harder.

*

Wufei pulled out his gun and surprised Une. "Okay, woman. What are you doing here? And what was that thing you were carrying?"

It was cave, somewhere. Une had candles and other assorted nonsense one used to bring people back from the dead with. Hell, she even had a dead cat, but that was for… something else.

Une uncovered the object in question and Wufei balked.

"Treize?!"

Une nodded. "Yes. I'm bringing him back to life."

"Woman! He's decomposing! That's so disgusting!"

Une glared at him. "I can fix it. Haven't you ever seen The Mummy?"

"Everyone one has, but that's no excuse to -"

"I need your help, Wufei."

Wufei stopped and stared at her. "For what?"

Une sighed and motioned at the body.

"You think I'm going to help you -" Wufei demanded angrily.

"He loved you."

And with those words, something that had been in Wufei's mind and heart for the past two years, locked away and hidden from himself, suddenly came unlocked and he knew it for what it was.

And he fainted.

*

They had managed to convince the police that Heero was having a mental breakdown, so he wasn't arrested.

"Heero, that was the stupidest -" Duo began.

" - Funniest thing I've ever seen!" Trowa was still laughing about it.

Quatre sighed and gave him some coffee. "Calm down, dear."

Trowa took the coffee in his hand and stared at it. A light shined down from heaven - or from Apollo, take your pick - onto the cup of coffee. His eyes, even the one covered by his uni-bang, welled up with tears.

"Oh, Quatre," he breathed. "It's really coffee."

Quatre nodded, sipping his tea.

"This is the best present anyone's ever given me." Trowa hugged his coffee happily.

Quatre snickered. "And here I thought last night was pretty good."

Heero and Duo stared at Trowa spilt his coffee all over himself.

*

TBC. Yeah, I know today's episode was short and pointless. Give me a break.

1. Watch the show. This is actually quite true. Nobody seems to be able to annoy Duo more than Heero.

2. Denial. Duo isn't as bad as we like to make him out to be, but he does talk quite a bit… Enough that would annoy Heero at least.

3. Has anyone seen this pairing? Hilde and Catherine look great together, I swear… *blushes* Oh, don't mind me. Go on, back to the boys. *whispers* But if you have seen it, let me know, will ya?

Oh, and read DT's parody. NOW!