"Hello? This is Professor Severus Snape again. Who's speaking?
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Right, listen. Could you pass the receiver to that woman I was talking to yesterday?
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I don't care!
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Oh yes, you can. All you have to do is go and ask: "Who was talking to Professor Snape yester-" What?
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Yes, I'm waiting.
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Hello?
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Yes, it's me again, I... what are you laughing at???
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This is NOT a joke. I have a serious problem here!
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Hm-mm.
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Damn you, I am NOT going to tell you about my childhood! It's NONE of your business!!!
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I told you that it'll be no use! BUt I have decided to prove to Minerva that this is rubbish... Minerva McGonagall, yes. ... Hold on - you recall that? You don't have many clients, do y- Oh. Yes, I understand. Have you noted down anything else about me?
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Good.
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Hm? Yes.
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Well, I suppose I might. You see, all this began with me collapsing in class.
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Yes, sorry. I expected you to start laughing again.
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Don't be so sociable. It makes me nervous. As I said, I collapsed. And a couple of students brought me up to the hospital wing - probably the worst moment of my entire career.
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They're brats. Must have been doubling up all the way upstairs. - What?
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In the dungeons. - What are you laughing at???
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No, seriously. I am not joking. Will you listen now?
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Hmpf.
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The school nurse told me I should sleep more. Stop eating so much liquorice and all that. The usual stuff. - Will you stop interrupting me? Yes, liquorice. I am fond of it. Used to consume tons before... all this started - What? No, of course her advice didn't help. Would I be talking to you if it had? I collapsed again after a week or so. At a staff meeting. That was also when the headmaster stepped in and told me to take a break. But I refused. Naturally. Can't let any of the others take my classes. They are useless when it comes to the more sophisticated magical arts.
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What I am teaching? I don't think I will tell you, actually. I can hear you writing all the time. Makes me nervous, by the way. Would you please stop it?
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Thank you. Well then - I've had these fits for seven weeks now and, quite honestly, I am sick of them. So when I was talking to one of my colleagues last weekend... Minerva, yes. She was the one who suggested I should phone you. And here I am, telling you to make it go away.
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I won't! how's that going to help?
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Mmm.
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Hmm. Ridiculous.
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No, I am not. Try me.
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I grew up in a castle. Near the North Sea. ... Yes, a proper castle. With towers, battlements... we even had a crocodile.
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Yes, in the moat.
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You sound amused. I don't like that.
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Shut up! Do you want me to continue or not?
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Well, then... the castle was surrounded by fields and woods belonging to my fa- family. And a lake. We had a huge, beautiful, glittering lake.
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I don't want to tell you about this. Why am I?
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No! Shut up!
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I've got to go. Goodbye!"