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* Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction * Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction * Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction *
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Switch: Herbs and Spices (Chapter 21 / 22) by Nikholas "Switch" F. Toledo
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Please do remember that Ranma 1/2 is a trademark and a copyright of and
by some big name people and companies I am not even worthy to introduce.
Anybody who says that I took any of their stuff better not find me
hiding. Also, great thanks to whoever reads this and likes it, good
thanks to whoever reads it anyhow, and teeny-weeny thanks to whoever else
even saw this. The seeds of the righteous... are getting sown. Day 3.
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 The Jack of Spades is Wild!



 Tofu retracted the fist from the hard wood of the gate at the back
entrance. He turned to Kasumi, who had been interested in the sign that
had been covered by bushes.
 "Dojo Challenger's Entran-" she read, stopping suddenly. With
wide-open eyes, she turned to Tofu.
 He held the frames of his glasses in one hand, the other only
stopping to shake - the lenses glinted in the near-noon sun, and he gave
her a strangely brave smile.
 He knew.
 The doors slowly moved outward, shivering, then stopped. Moments
later, the right door began to move by itself, a slow ritual.
 Tofu turned back to the front, watching Soun push it straight out,
then stolidly stepped to the other door.
 They shared a grin, Tofu coming out of the one with Kasumi. Each
knew their position, but each knew, traded, their own reasons. They were
not too vague for either, and Soun needed only to nod slightly in his
daughter's direction to make entirely sure.
 Her hand, and her father's training hall.
 Soun nodded, pushing the other door outward, then turned to the
dojo doors.

 Doors opening and closing - those were the only sounds that
occupied Shampoo. People milling about their own business, not caring
that the door they close might never be opened ever again, nor those
opened never to close.
 She was never wont to introspect, as actions tended to speak for
themselves, but the last ten minutes were grueling, mentally. She wanted
to run away - she wanted to break into a sprint - she wanted to sit down
and mope. She was never wont to mope, either.
 She had never been open to discussing or mulling her emotions -
yes, they were - toward Mousse. He was, after all, the most annoying man
- openly affectionate, but blaringly insulting. She knew how he felt -
and knew that she was never going to take him up on it. She thought she
had already made that clear.
 Yet the man was the most reliable ally. She tended to think that
he was the most reliable tool, but he had still prove to be useful beyond
the menial tasking he did. Cologne had made sure that he would be a
worthy Amazon male, strong and obedient. She had also said that it would
be eternally educational for both Shampoo and Mousse to be in their
situations.
 "Halt," the elder stated, her stick already stopped its own
metronomic swaying. She could hear the elder tap the doorbell.
 "You have no need to keep carrying that."
 She shrugged. "Might be stolen, Great-granma. Very many important
Amazon secret."
 Cologne quickly picked up her slipping into Japanese - she did that
mostly to obscure her plain thoughts, not that they could be hidden very
well from the ancient's ears - and the fact that it did little to mask
her sarcasm. "Great-granddaughter, put down the basket."

 "Why, Father?" Nonetheless, the streamers in their cradle touched
ground.
 Soun didn't take his eyes off of the doctor - standard, of course.
Unfortunately, many things are required in the standard. "Someone...
should stay to moderate."
 Kasumi pouted. "But that's why I was going -"
 "Someone," Soun stressed, without intensity change, "must stay and
watch." Officiate, mediate and validate, he didn't bother to add.
 "- to get Nabiki," Kasumi finished. She turned to Tofu, who was
not looking (standard). "Nabiki is the one who does this, always does."
 "Stay," he said. Then he turned, and gave her a smile. "Please."
 She frowned as he turned in place. Grumpily, she moved to a spot
equidistant to both men and raised an arm straight. "Begin!"
 The hand flashed down.

 "Oh my gosh, the wedding!"
 Ranma found - too late - that Akane was trying to dress them both
up, while he tried to keep the sheets on them. He lightly kicked himself
off, while Akane started buttoning up the blouse of her pajamas.
 "I think Kasumi keeps the kimonos in her room..." she said, pulling
herself and a clearly bedraggled Saotome out of the room.
 Nodoka barely noticed them as she heard the branches of the nearby
tree shake.

 The rustling did not make either flinch.
 Dr. Tofu stood his stance passively. "Your move." His glasses
glinted flatly.
 Kasumi glanced at a watch she had bought this morning - she should
already be preparing lunch for the guests. She hoped this wouldn't take
too l-
 She barely missed getting poked in the nose.
 "Sorry about that." Tofu bounded up on the balls of his feet,
while Soun was obviously wobbling, apparently stiff in one hip. The
latter shifted to a back stance, bending on one knee, the other leg
limply sticking out in front of him.
 "Pressure point techniques," Soun said, not at all as pained as he
should have been - he even seemed appreciative. The chiropractor and
moxibustionist simply stood straight, checking the circulation of his
left ankle.
 Soun repeated the mistake he had just paid for - he again took the
role of aggressor. He hopped forward, to just in front of the younger
man, and started to turn around, indicating that he was going to swing
the deadweight leg to again sweep Tofu. This time, though, Tofu hopped
backward, then was moving in to take out the other leg -
 - when Soun suddenly came upon him from above, the numb appendage
leading. Tofu fell face first to the ground, while Soun stood on a hand.
 "Limp Monkey technique," the latter said, pushing off to land in
the same back stance.
 The former man re-affixed his glasses, then changed to a more
traditional forward stance.
 Then he made the mistake of checking to see how Kasumi was.

 "Kasumi!" Akane bellowed, as she stomped around the second floor,
then down the stairs, followed somewhat consistently by a heavy clunking.
"Are you he- Yuka! What are you doing here?"
 Yuka had been closing the far door when she heard Akane's voice.
She gratefully turned her back on the disturbing scene outside - when the
scene before her was no real improvement.
 Akane stepped in the guestroom, wearing a pajama top, her belly
button poking out, and her lower body covered by a roughly placed
blanket, which she had first assumed to be held by Akane, but with the
bride-to-be coming closer, she noticed that Akane was only holding the
hand that was keeping the blanket in place. That hand was Ranma's - the
rest of him, though, was being dragged through the doorway by Akane, as
though he was a life-sized ragdoll.
 "Ow" was all Ranma could say, as he pushed himself up from the
floor while Akane had stood there, getting a better, but still soft, grip
of Akane's waist.
 Yuka's eyes almost bugged out when she put two and two together
from the couple's state of undress and discomfiture, punctuated by
Ranma's hands (and his subsequent non-getting-beat-up) and the fact that
the boy was only wearing his boxers.
 Ranma noted Yuka's glance, then moaned, "oh, geez," placing himself
behind Akane.
 Akane noted Yuka's glance - then the heat began.
 "What..." Akane began, taking a menacing step toward her friend,
"do... YOU...?" another step, then - *squish*. "Hello?"
 The two new entrants noticed the fourth in the room, whose stomach
had been on Akane's path. "Who are you?" Akane said, peering down into
his face.
 "That's why I'm here, Akane, Ranma. Y'see -"

 Kasumi knew it was one big misunderstanding. It was surprising
that two grown men who didn't know what they were doing were doing it so
well. She, instead, played the role of mediator, not intercessor, and it
was not a position she was unused to.
 She, instead, focussed on the unseen energies in play. It was very
evident that the doctor, bless his heart, was fighting for her hand in
marriage. The question was her father, who fought with some of the old
power that he had kept through the years, even when she last remembered
him fight with -
 A distinctly male scream slashed through from the house.

 Nodoka sat up, turning to the window. "What was that?"

 Mousse looked up in the kitchen. "Who was that?"
 The Shinto priest simply held the mug of tea, and arched a brow.

 "You... BIG... baby..."
 With each word, Nabiki traced a finger along Tatewaki Kuno's
jawline, leading drops of still hot water to his chin, threatening to
drop onto either of their chests. Trailing off, Nabiki then traced the
still agape lips, as though teasing him to scream once more.
 Kuno's eyes were glazed over, then lost the lost luster, refocusing
on the female on top of him.
 His words, though whispered, were clear to his companion's eyes, as
she paid rapt attention to the interaction of fingertips and lips.
"Ranma... Ranma's... red hair..."

 "I'm going out for a while, mom..."
 She stopped chopping carrots and looked at her son's peeking head
in the doorway. "Got a date?"
 "Errrrrr... sorta," he relented, slightly surprised that he had
said so.
 She looked at the watch: if he was going to have a lunch date, he
only had just less than twenty minutes to make a good impression. "Have
fun!" She winked.
 "Errrr... thanks, mom."
 They stared at each other.
 "What're you waiting for, Hikaru-chan?"
 "Errrrrr... right." After fidgeting a little, he turned away.
 A few moments later, when he was sure she wasn't looking, he passed
the open doorway, two lines of pools trailing along his sides being his
primary worry.

 "Phooey!" Happosai crossed his arms across his chest, then
shrugged. He checked his ammunition - and gave himself a palm to the
forehead. Much as he felt it was deserved, he shouldn't have used a
whole thermos bottle on that couple on the bench.
 Now he was out of reserves.
 "Not to worry, my soon-to-be beauties," he said, pulling out his
last two full water guns, and squirted outward for effect. Then he
slapped his forehead again.

 Nabiki pulled back, aghast.
 "You... you...," a hand flew to her mouth, but so languidly that it
seemed to be rushing through jelly, "... you *know*...," the disgust and
the disbelief glowed in her eyes, "... and... you *still*... chase..."
 She turned from him, wiping at her face, disinterested in his petty
explanations, and the doorbell rang, drowning his whispers screaming in
her ears.

 "STOP IT!"
 Both men had already stopped, so they just turned their heads to
the young lady.
 "I declare this fight stupid!" Kasumi's grimace of displeasure
looked like a pretty pout but surely felt out of place and very much
arresting. "And you both are going to behave or else you will get NO
LUNCH!"
 With that, she stormed out of the dojo.

 "I... didn't know..."
 Tatewaki Kuno slid bonelessly to the ground.

 Yuka knew that the scream came from the window, knew that there
were two women there, one being her good friend's middle sister, the
other the loony from an episode in the past, and knew she wanted no part
of it.
 "What was that?" Ranma asked.
 "Believe me," she started, then turned as she felt heat from quite
close by, "you don't want to know."
 "But who are you?" Akane was already poking the female that she
was still stepping on.
 "Can... you... please... get off?"
 "Oh, sorry," Akane said, complying.
 While she was doing this, Yuka quickly signaled for Ranma to leave
the room and to get some decent clothing. Surprisingly, he got it on the
first try.

 "Welcome to the Tendo-Saotome wedding," Nabiki said smoothly,
"guests and non-combatants please retire to the receiving room for
debriefing." She didn't wait for an answer and closed the gate.
 Cologne stared. "Very interesting."
 Shampoo shrugged. "Guess Shampoo go in old way."

 "Well," he said.
 "Well," he said, in response.
 He eased up, just slightly, still limping. "I guess..."
 "... she's right," he concluded, also straightening, now trying to
put weight on his ankle.
 "So," Dr. Tofu concluded, "what's for lunch, Soun?"
 "Cake," he answered, beckoning him over to lean on while moving.

 Mousse shuddered slightly from the noise, but became very, very
still.

 *BOOM!*
 Sayuri and Miss Hinako were right beside the former's house, which
was barely a block away from the dojo, when the explosion, with matching
cloud-of-dust came from the vicinity.
 "I guess Shampoo's just arrived," she mumbled.

 "Shampoo," Ranma muttered, knowing the sound of
Amazon-collapsing-wall quite well.

 Daisuke was starting to hate the sounds of explosives - must be a
girl thing.
 Yuka turned to the front and looked very much afraid. "Shampoo's
here - Akane -?"
 Her look of askance turned into puzzlement, as Akane stood up,
emitting distinctive dragon shapes in her red aura. "I accept your
challenge!" she screamed as she left the room.
 "Challenge? Challenge?" Yuka was not quite sure about what she
heard, but she wanted to find out. "Stay here, Dai-chan."
 Daisuke tried to stand, but waved a hand in disgust. "Don't call
me Dai-chan."

 Hiroshi was tugging at the collar of his long-sleeved polo, and
hoped that he wouldn't have to wear the rainproof jacket that matched the
black slacks that he was sure he was sweating buckets in. Rounding the
corner, he finally got to the front gate -
 - where Miss Hinako was peering furtively at the break in the wall
just next to the wooden opening. Sayuri was doing this thing from her
heels up and gave Hiroshi the impression that she was simultaneously
tracing the paths of an spontaneously formed electron-positron pair
through fifteen dimensions. Maybe to distract him from noticing the
entire effect of her ensemble before the ceremony.
 He ran his fingers through his peppery hair, gave himself one of
those grins, gave her another, gave the teacher yet another, which he had
to mask when she realized that she was just in her CB form.
 Play it cool, H. She's gonna break, and all you really need is a
snappy line to ease her tension and to smoothly cover your arm around her
waist... maybe to loosen that belt a bit. Okay...
 He slid in close, just as Sayuri was placing her foot on a stable
part of the wall, coughed, and suavely purred, "did I miss anything
naked?"

 Ranma was about to open the door to the guestroom, forgetting that
his mother was still inside, when Akane passed by, pulling him to
Kasumi's room.

 Dr. Tofu closed the door to the dojo, and limped with Soun to the
receiving room. On their way there, they passed the front door, which
was opened by the Amazons.
 They eyed each other in that awkward manner that people who were
really concerned about tangential matters eyed each other in a way to
check for hidden weapons - a little shallowly, considering that those who
were expert in the ways of the Invisible Hand, including one whose
invisible hand was more of market forces, were none of the four.
 As a group, they stepped forward into the receiving room - and
stopped.
 Sitting at the table were two of the Tendo daughters, Kasumi at the
further end, Nabiki facing the pond, where the doors were open on that
side of the room - more of slumping in that direction. While Kasumi
appraised the two males as they entered, Nabiki seemed to seethe in wait,
not noticing anyone.
 To the Amazons, Kasumi gestured to the other side of the table.
Cologne handed Kasumi the invite.
 Soun sat at the other end of the table, firmly denying any control
over the next events. Dr. Tofu sojourned to a corner, not quite avoiding
Kasumi's eyes.
 The door facing Nabiki's back opened - Yuka peeked inside
sheepishly. At Kasumi's beckoning (and despite her motioning to return
later), she took a seat close to Soun on that side of the table.
 Near the door closest to the pond, someone ambled into view.
 Everyone turned to look at a slightly self-conscious Kuno entering.
Kuno was looking at Nabiki, who had turned slightly, not staring back.
When he sat just across from her, Nabiki pulled up her knees and
quarter-turned toward Kasumi.
 For a moment, all was silent.
 Outside, someone said, "well, will you look at the time? I'm
almost late! Excuse me," a door closing, "where's the receiving room?
Oh, there - !" The door opposite the pond opened again, revealing the
Shinto priest for a moment - before he was pulled away.
 "Hey!" Kasumi said, being in line of sight. "Come back here!"
Jumping out, much tugging occurred off-screen.
 In moments, Kasumi, the Shinto priest, and Akane and Ranma, both in
wedding garb, piled into the room. All four sat down on Kasumi's side,
Akane clutching at Ranma, possessively, on the further side of the room,
while the priest sat close to the door.
 Looking at a watch, Kasumi cleared her throat.
 "Welcome, friends, relatives and rivals to the marriage of Akane
Tendo and Ranma Saotome!"
 The Amazons sat stoically, while Yuka gasped in reaction. Kuno
turned, but was immediately attentive to Nabiki's whimpers in reaction.
Dr. Tofu glanced up from his position.
 "You," she indicated the Amazons, "have been invited to participate
in a three-way winner-take-all competition - the price of which is the
hand of Ranma Saotome in marriage."
 "Three-way?" Yuka said. She looked at Akane, then at Shampoo,
then at Cologne - then shivered.
 "Akane Tendo," Kasumi continued, motioning for her sister to stand,
"you must take on all challengers. Your challengers are Shampoo, of the
Joketsuzoku Amazon tribe:" Shampoo stood slowly.
 "Who is other challenger?" Shampoo asked, eyeing Akane. Akane
wasn't giving her a very nice look, as was already emitting a dark red
aura that clashed horribly with her white kimono.
 "Well..." Kasumi looked around in a theatrical fashion, "I guess
it's me."

 "That bastard!" Tsubasa screamed, as he noticed Happosai veering
to a side in mid-air. He didn't notice where they were going.

 "You?" Ranma gawked.
 "And I say, let the cooking begin!"
 Both Akane and Shampoo stopped to turn at Kasumi. "Cooking?"
 She pulled at their hands and started pulling them out the door.
"You wouldn't want to *fight* little old me, now, right?"
 "Kasumi..." Akane whispered hotly, not entirely convinced that her
sister was above suspicion, "what are you doing?"
 "Don't worry, Akane," she whispered back, "I'll handle this."
 The three combatants left the room, hand in hand.

 Happosai eyed someone along the road to the Tendo dojo. "That
bastard!" He spread his arms and veered once again.

 The situation in the receiving room was tentative. The far side of
the room was now empty, as though it was a karaoke stage when no one knew
the lines of the song playing. Even Cologne seemed contemplative,
absorbed by the loss of the moment.
 The sound of skittering. Yuka did not stop her, and soon Nabiki
was by her father's side.
 "Eh?" Nabiki had already been halfway through bandaging the leaden
leg, stopping at the shin. Soun could not be sure, but Nabiki's touch
was soothing, a light massage on numbed nerves. What he could be sure of
was that he saw the young Kuno shivering, shaking in a light manner, as
though he was being punched by midget children.
 "Oh, my poor Soun!" Hinako was quickly at Soun's feet, so quickly
that the Tendo patriarch was shocked silly.
 Nabiki didn't even register surprise, having quickly returned to
her seat. She eyed the doctor in the corner.
 Tofu did not meet her scrutiny.

 "That bastard!" The tree rustled violently as though the branches
were having a fight amongst themselves.

 Yuka excused herself from the crowd of guests, basically nodding to
Soun and to Nabiki, and went out the way she came in.
 As she closed the door, she leaned back, and breathed in heavily.
Then, having realized something suddenly, she turned around and
stealthily opened the door behind her.
 Not stealthily enough, it seemed, because moments after it was
closed, that door opened and closed once more.

 In the empty room facing the branches of the tree, Nodoka arranged
the kimono around her. She stood up, went out the room, and went
downstairs, oblivious of the events arising.

 "Well, hello there."
 Daisuke turned from where he sat and saw Mousse closing the door.
In one hand, he was gingerly nursing a mug of warm tea.
 Lucky for both involved, perspective was not ideal for both of the
players, because of the way that Daisuke's shirt fell off his shoulder,
or the way that he lay on his side on the tatami, still awhirl with
confusion, barely supporting himself on an arm, blinking from the light
blazing from the door facing the pond.
 Yuka, however, had barely sat down, and saw the Amazon male.
"Mousse!" She tried to tone down the lilt in her voice, but not enough,
as Daisuke sharply turned his head at her as he sat up as well.
 Mousse smiled in a slightly embarrassed manner. "Um... are you
also Kasumi's sisters?"
 Daisuke seemed to take the description to heart, and looked like
someone stabbed him. "NO!" Yuka nearly screamed as she raised her hands
at Mousse, but turned to her boyfriend as quickly. "We're Ranma and
Akane's classmates," she explained.
 "Oh," Mousse said, and he proferred his mug. "Do you want some
tea? Your friend seems like she'd want some."
 "No," Daisuke croaked out, at the female pronoun, "no need."
 "Oh, okay," Mousse acquiesced. He took a seat closer to the center
of the room, just a few feet from where the two females were seated,
facing them. He sipped on his tea thoughtfully, apparently taking in the
sight of the two of them with some consideration. Then, after a moment
more of deliberation, he put down the mug with some care and put each of
his arms in the other's sleeve. With a little flourish, he produced two
fluffy towels, and proferred these to the two girls.
 "Thanks," Yuka said, as she ran the towel through her slightly damp
hair. Then she ran the same towel through Daisuke's shorter hair.
 Daisuke stared up at his girlfriend, who was still intent on
getting his hair dry. When Yuka stopped and stared back, Daisuke was
sniffling and already had largish teardrops waiting to fall from watery
eyes.

 There was a knock on the sliding door closest to the stairwell.
 Ranma and Soun shared a look, and watched their nightmare walk into
the room.
 Nodoka hazily entered the reception room, and then noticed everyone
turn in her direction. Notably, Dr. Tofu turned to look, did a double
take, pulled his glasses from his face, wiped them vigorously in a
handkerchief, and put them back on his face. She, in turn, only bowed in
acknowledgment to the assembly.
 She faced Ranma, who by now with the Tendo father, were flattening
themselves against the far wall, and stretched her arms toward him.
 Since Ranma was at the point where one would think he would erupt
in a mother-fu trance, Nabiki took it to herself to push him toward his
mother's beckoning.
 His first step was in reaction, his second step for balance, his
third step forgotten.
 "Whoa there, no need to be so nervous." Nodoka dusted off
imaginary motes from the shoulders of Ranma's black hakama, and on the
white tufts along the breasts of his top. She had her hands fall to her
sides as he straightened in front of her.
 "Mom," Ranma started and, at that point, Nodoka started sobbing.
 "Mom, mom, mom." In his arms, Ranma realized that he was already
starting to cry a little as well. He quickly ran an arm over his eyes
and made it appear like he was gripping his mom's shoulder instead.
 "Where... where has the time gone?" she croaked. "Your father...
your father..." She shook her head, unable to sort the myriad emotions
clashing, hugging her son tighter.
 Everyone else in the room turned away in silent unanimous respect
for the long-forestalled reunion of mother and son.
 "Who's that?" whispered Hinako hotly at Nabiki. "And why is my
Soun-chan so scared of her?"
 "She's Ranma's mother." The now-eldest Tendo sister did not take
her eyes off of the figure in the corner.
 "Oh," the priest interjected. "The groom's mother. I understand
completely. Seen worse before, though. Really couldn't let go of her
little boy, almost spilled sake on her during the ceremony. Scary
woman."

 "What's going on?" Yuka wondered aloud, hopefully so that someone
who knew the answer could supply it.
 Mousse visibly shrugged. "Seems like some party or some family
reunion. Kasumi went out to send some invitations earlier, and then I
saw a lot of food in the kitchen. She's probably cooking right now..."
His legs unfurled underneath him, as though wanting to follow his trail
of thought.
 "A party?" The girl with brown hair frowned. "It might not be a
good time, then." She passed back the two towels to the bespectacled
Amazon. "Though I'd wish I'd be able to tell Akane that we were leaving
soon." And ask her about the rather compromising scene earlier.
 Because Mousse was trying not to exactly stare at the couple in the
room, he wasn't entirely sure, but when Yuka had Daisuke rest his
now-dried head on her bosom, he could almost swear that the girl with the
boyish haircut was rubbing...?
 The door slid open. "I'm so glad that you're willing to stay in
here for, I'd say, twenty-four more minutes, if Kasumi hadn't seemed to
want to remodel the hallway and take the wall clock. Well," Nabiki
turned to the assembled trio, "that's where the three of you were."
 The girl in the T-shirt sat up (dejectedly?) and the brown-haired
girl stood up. "Ma'am," she bowed to Nodoka, deferring to age first.
"Nabiki? Hi, we're," she waved vaguely to herself and to the girl with
chic jet-black hair, "classmates of Akane and Ranma, and we were kind of
hoping to talk to Ranma about his -" Nabiki's eyes were doing something
that made Yuka flip through a thesaurus in her head "- experiences," Yuka
continued fluidly, "that could help... us, with, something," she finished
vaguely.
 Nabiki's eyes took in the sullen expression of the other girl, the
towels that Mousse had at his knees, which were not theirs, obviously,
and added in the Jusenkyo factor and came up to some interesting sums.
She slapped lightly at the base of her neck, to swat away the buzzing
around in her foremind, and said, "well, you can ask him after the
wedding."
 "Oh, no," Yuka started, "we can't possibly..." then Nabiki's words
set in.
 Mousse beat either of the Furinkan freshmen by asking, "who's
getting married?"
 "First things first." She turned to her companion. "Everyone,
this is Mrs. Nodoka Saotome, Ranma's mother."
 Some bowing occurred. "Auntie, these are Ranma and Akane's
classmates at Furinkan High," then she indicated the two girls.
 Nodoka had a slightly ghosted smile on her face as she bowed. "I
hope my son has been righteous and kind to his and his fiancée's friends,
colleagues and instructors."
 Yuka didn't quite know what to say, so there was pleasant surprise
when Daisuke, the eternal diplomat, found the best statement for the
occasion: "In all honesty and deference to you, ma'am, and the Tendo
family, I think there is no other person of our age who has a better
grasp of the consequences of marriage."
 That somehow brightened Nodoka's expression, if only by a bit. But
she hazarded the two of them her most heartfelt smile, and they both felt
that it hurt, had a sharp edge.
 "And, Auntie, this is Mousse," Nabiki wanted to follow it up with
something like, "Ranma's friend from China", or "friend of Shampoo, who's
challenging Akane for Ranma", but seeing the Jai-Alai moves he put on her
earlier, the latter would seem like the exact wrong thing to say.
 Mousse bowed, and cordially offered, "of all the men I have ever
fought, Ranma is the most consistent, most inventive and most successful
of them all." He had the shadow of a grin on his face when he concluded,
"he fights just as though he was a woman."
 For a moment, Nabiki thought she would throttle the bastard, but he
smoothly added, "coming from an adopted Chinese Amazon, that's the
highest praise that can be bestowed on a man."
 Yuka let out a breath she didn't know she kept.
 Nodoka bowed, and when she straightened up, she allowed herself to
laugh in a light way. "My, my. Ranma really has met some strange and
wonderful people on his training trip. I must ask him all about it."
The way she breathed in and out after that statement made the others
wonder about her health, until she stopped herself, and sat herself down.
 Nabiki took everyone in a glance. "Well, as to who's getting
married, I guess we'll find out within the hour, I guess."
 "Anything-Goes Martial Arts Marriage Competition." Nodoka seemed
like she wasn't quite in the room anymore. "You have to imagine, with a
young fledgling Martial Arts School with limited membership, in the
possibility of marrying and building a family, each child would, de
facto, be entered into the Anything-Goes Martial Arts Founding School on
his or her two-thousandth day, or as early as he or she can grasp the
twenty-two basic concepts of Anything-Goes Martial Arts."
 She summoned a breath. "In order to maintain and diversify the
School, each coupling must be approved by the heads of the School, and
any contesting of the coupling must be tested once per challenger, and
thus adjudged by all who attend the ceremony. The youngest of the
competitors must choose the parameters of the battle, which must elapse
within an hour of the arrival of a duly-authorized marriage official."
 Nabiki waited for her to continue, but she stopped there. "And
that's why everyone is waiting for the three in the kitchen to finish
lunch. Which is why Auntie is staying here, since her opinion may be the
most important in that room," she said, pointing back toward the
receiving room, "why you," pointing at Mousse, "will be staying here with
her, as an impartial guard, and why you two," she indicated the other two
girls, "have got to get something a little more festive." Eyes rolled
through three wardrobes. She turned to Mousse, asking, "you've got
something there, for...?"
 Mousse stared at her blankly for a few seconds before dipping into
his sleeves with both hands. (For some reason, she felt she wouldn't
have been surprised if his hands leapt out of his tunic with high-caliber
pistols.) He pulled out two nondescript cardboard boxes, and offered
them to the two other guests.
 Both of them eyed the boxes with some suspicion, but it was the one
wearing a blouse that took the box and promptly misguessed its weight.
Daisuke was able to help his girlfriend before she toppled into the box,
and God only knew what would happen then. He, on the other hand, took
Mousse's package with both hands and added ten pounds for certainty. He
was off by about ten pounds more.
 The one piece dresses in the boxes were identical, save for the
colors which were pink and maroon for the cloth and the hemming, reversed
for the two outfits. Daisuke aired out his, the maroon one, and found
the weight was at the bottom of his box, in the form of two nasty heavy
bracelets ringed with sharp spikes. "Innnteresting" was all he said.
 Mousse didn't comment - instead, he took off his glasses and
cradled it in his lap.
 "I guess that means you guys can dress up here," Nabiki concluded,
so if you'll excuse me, Mousse, ladies, Auntie," and she took her leave.
 Nodoka looked like she was about to protest, but noticing how
Daisuke was already out of his shirt and Mousse had not even reacted in
the least made everything All Right, if not Completely Clear.
 Daisuke, of course, did not look down. He stiffly pushed down his
pants, which left him in boxers that ignored his waist and clung to his
hips. He squatted downward, searching for the maroon one-piece with his
right hand, stood up and draped the silken dress over his head and onto
himself. Yuka wondered if she should've commented at this point, but
refrained. When he looked like he was struggling to find air, she helped
him.
 Not bad, Yuka thought ruefully, aside from the slightly ill-fitting
chest that was somewhat loose, it still hugged his hips tightly, and
showed as much leg as he had. It was as small as she thought. She
nodded, and Daisuke began to appraise himself. Yuka tossed Mousse a
dirty glance, but rolled back some pictures of Shampoo's wardrobe and
thought correctly, that this was an improvement, overall.
 Daisuke hitched his boxers a bit then, satisfied with his
appearance, he turned on his own away from her. As she started
unbuttoning, Yuka wondered if this really was too bad for them, overall.

 Kuno suddenly sat up straight, and cocked his head slightly to the
right.
 The shinto priest sipped at the teacup, then sighed in discontent.
 "I told you so that that was the front door," a female voice from
just outside the frontmost door said, a little grumpily. "So what's rule
number 1?"
 Hiroshi looked henpecked as he was nursing a bruised cheek.
"Beware of unarmed, wrinkled old men who smile?" Then they noticed the
stares they got from everyone in the waiting room.
 They self-consciously bowed toward Soun, Ranma and the Shinto
priest, and sat at the side opposite the one that Kuno was sitting at,
but not in the kendoist's line of sight. Sayuri scanned through the room
and wondered whether she should be sitting this close to the center of
the room. She tried to edge imperceptively from Cologne.
 Hiroshi, however, could only grin from ear to ear. He edged closer
to his corner and indicated to Ranma to sit next to him.
 Hiroshi clicked his tongue, only so Ranma could hear. "Lemme
guess... they finally caught you guys making out in the dojo late at
night, eh?"
 The fact that Ranma was blanching partly in indignation, partly in
guilt at having someone toss hammers blindfolded ten meters away still
hitting the nail on the head, did not help his defense.
 Hiroshi waved it off. "At least you're man enough to own up, man."
He clapped Ranma on the back, twice. "So...," Hiroshi leaned in closer,
"Where are they? I mean, they should be here...." He craned his neck
around. "The old hag, even Kuno's here, who's that?" He squinted at Dr.
Tofu. "Anyway, no sign of Ukyo, or Shampoo, well, she's definitely here,
or else the termites have gotten frisky, or Kodachi."
 "Shampoo's here, alright," Ranma hissed back, "but no Kodachi or
Ukyo. Shampoo's in the kitchen with Akane and Kasumi."
 "Kasumi?" Hiroshi wondered for a moment. "Oh, Akane's oldest
sister." His shoulders sagged. "I saw her while she was still in junior
high, on the rhythmic gymnastics team. Rrrowr." He nudged Ranma. "You
dawg."
 "What?"
 "Look, it's an Anything-Goes thing, so there's gotta be some
fighting over you, or Akane, or both." He slipped a look at Kuno. "I
was kinda hoping it'd be some sorta Pride FC thing, but it's just
cooking. Too bad, if Ukyo was here, she'd win, hands down."
 "You want me to marry Ukyo?"
 Somehow, Hiroshi stopped himself from saying "Why not?"
 Sayuri stopped her fiddling and fidgeting. "Um," she turned to
Soun, "Mr. Tendo, sir, are we going to be waiting long?"
 Soun seemed a little tentative. "Hmmm, maybe some twenty minutes
or so. Why?"
 Sayuri stood up and bowed. "Sorry. I just can't stand the
silence." She rushed to the door. "I'll be back in a bit." She smiled
as she went to the door.
 Hiroshi turned to the retreating figure and smiled as well. "Yeah,
I guess that's appropriate for the reception of an Anything-Goes
Marriage."
 "What is?"
 "Party games," Hiroshi supplied.

 The last remaining pieces of the tableau were playing a strange
variation of Follow the Leader.
 The one closest to the brewing cesspot of chaos was quite easily
the slowest of them, adding to that the fact that he was being careful to
keep his hands from swinging too much.
 The one following him was also trying to remember to keep his
trigger fingers in check, but was not trailing him per se, as much as
tailing him in mid-air. His body, perfected by age, did not resemble
anything aerodynamic, but was, nonetheless, gliding quite well in the
noonish breeze.
 The one following the flying freak, who now realized that
summer-baked concrete was not good for the hands, so was flitting along
the sides of the road, often in the trees, and on the clotheslines along
the way.
 The last one wasn't quite in his skin, and he realized it just
then. "What the-?" He stopped for a moment, but realized that if he
spent a moment more admiring his own newfound assets, he would lose his
current love-of-his-life.
 Tsubasa followed Kodachi trailed Happosai shadowed Gosunkugi.

 When Nabiki came back from the kitchen, everyone in the room had
not sat around the low table, with the exception of Ranma and Kuno.
Everyone at the table had four cards in his or her hand, five white go
pieces in front of them, and was listening to Sayuri, who was continuing
her explanation of the rest of the game rules.
 "Okay, now here," she took the cards she had Hiroshi shuffle, "are
the role cards. Each round, we reshuffle this set, set aside one card,"
which she did, "and, starting from the King of the previous round, or,
since we drew for it earlier, to Mr. Tendo," he took the cards from her,
"we each select a role for this round. If you've forgotten what each
role can do, or the order of the sequence when each role can play, it's
on the card."
 As Soun carefully read the captions on each of the cards, Nabiki
asked Sayuri, "is this going to take long? They're going to be bringing
in the food in about five minutes, and we're going to need the table."
 "Oh, that's okay. It's just a try-out round. We'll be playing
after everything's done. Would you like to join? We just started."
 Nabiki waved her hand to decline, moving away. "Don't you know?
First round, I never play: I always watch." She smiled as she sat next
to Ranma.
 Ranma let a bit of his anxiety seep into his question. "How're
they doing in there?"
 Nabiki shook her head. "You know I can't tell you that, Ranma.
And there's no use worrying about Akane. Don't tell me you don't trust
her."
 Ranma sighed. "I trust her, alright? I just don't trust her
cooking."
 "Kasumi knew what she was doing when she called it. And I knew
well enough to feed her those mushrooms earlier."
 "Where did you get those? I didn't know you guys kept some from
the time me and Ryoga..." Ranma stopped in mid-recollection at Nabiki's
unusual reaction, which was, well, something other than her usual snide
poker face.
 Nabiki refocussed and realized she was looking straight at Kuno,
who was looking back at her. She whipped back to Ranma, almost hissing,
"What?"
 "Nothing, nothing," Ranma said peaceably, wondering if his
arch-nemesis would have lost his way to the Tendo dojo today, considering
that he hadn't seen the porker since Akane took him to bed two days ago.
Let's just see him crawl into her bed after today.
 Back at the table, Soun had finally decided on his role, and passed
the rest of the cards facedown to his left, clockwise along the table to
Miss Hinako. She quickly scanned through the set and picked one almost
immediately, passing the remaining to Sayuri.
 Sayuri gave her English teacher an appreciative look and scanned
through her set of cards. She gave a moment to consider what cards were
missing, and wondered which card was reserved for the Shinto priest to
consider. She picked a card and gave the rest to Hiroshi.
 Hiroshi fanned open the four cards and had a small look of
surprise. He took one card and passed the rest to Cologne.
 Cologne fanned the three cards open, and didn't take too long to
pick her card from the limited options.
 Dr. Tofu, as well, merely took the more useful of the two cards he
could choose from.
 Sayuri gave the priest the card she had set aside earlier, and had
him choose between that and the card that Dr. Tofu didn't choose. He let
Dr. Tofu's discard be left alone.
 On the dot, Nabiki stood up, and went to check in on the kitchen
once more.
 "Okay," Sayuri said, "we can start the round." She showed everyone
her card. "Since I'm this round's Assassin, I go first. I'll
assassinate someone, and he or she won't be able to make any actions this
round. I choose...," she made a point to turn away from her left, "...
to kill the Thief."
 Hiroshi exploded, "AAARGH!" Then when everyone was staring at him,
he pointed to Sayuri accusingly, and sat down.
 The ponytailed girl did not even turn at his outburst. "So, for my
turn, I will choose to get two gold pieces and to build a domain." She
threw some go pieces in the bowl with the rest of the pieces and placed
one of the cards she had in her hand on the table. "And my turn is
done."
 Hiroshi grumpily said. "Since the Thief is SUPPOSED to go second,
I'm next." He turned over his role card. "But, since someone
Assassinated me, I'm done as well."
 Sayuri let her grin show this time. "So next is the Magician.
Who's the Magician?"
 Dr. Tofu supplied, "no one." He turned the discarded card over,
and sure enough, there was the Magician.
 "No Magician here. Next is the King."
 "That's me!" Hinako chirped. She showed her card to everyone
before putting it on the table.
 At this point, the door slid open, and Yuka and Daisuke entered the
room. Since Hiroshi wasn't too keen on following the game as it was
unfolding, he noticed them immediately, so he stood up and ushered them
into the room.
 "Hey, hey there, Yuka. Nice legs." Hiroshi noticed that the other
girl, who he couldn't quite place, but who was wearing a matching outfit,
was starting to bluster. "And who might you be, miss?"
 "No one you'd be interested in, Hiroshi," Daisuke muttered.
 Hiroshi squinted, and then opened his eyes widely. He waved a
finger to point at the girl with the boyish-cut hair. "I... know you.
You... you're in our class."
 "Well, duh, Einstein," Daisuke deadpanned.
 Yuka sat down, next to Sayuri, and waited for her to explain to the
Shinto priest what exactly a Bishop was.
 "Kozue?"
 Daisuke sat down next to Yuka, and Hiroshi sat down next to him.
The now-female Daisuke made sure to stretch as much of the skirt down
along his thigh as he could. "Do I look like Kozue to you?"
 The door the newcomers came through opened once more.
 As they shuttled bowls to the table, Kasumi whispered to Nabiki,
"you have to choose one of them, sister."
 "Now is not the time, sister. And I could say the same to you."
 As the two Tendo sisters helped Sayuri clear the table, they
prepared bowls of rice for everyone now seated at the table, and then
placed plates of vegetables and easy-to-cook meats, the bulk of what
would be the luncheon.
 In the hubbub, Kuno inched toward the table. Just when he thought
he would be able to catch Nabiki's attention, she nearly jumped to her
feet to open the last set of sliding doors.
 Not looking at each other, Akane and Shampoo walked in with their
competition pieces.
 Kasumi set a small dining table at Ranma's seat, and placed a bowl
of miso soup, her own contribution to the fête. Not to say that it was a
bow-out to the other two competitors, it already did its job of working
up Ranma's appetite for the coming barrage of foodstuffs, with an almost
crisp tang of bean curd and fresh onions. She passed slightly smaller
bowls of the appetizer to the rest of those gathered.
 Shampoo brandished her vessel, which was a full-sized earthen jar,
which obscured her entire torso. She, in turn, placed it in the middle
of the table, and uncovered the concoction.
 A tantalizing and mouthwatering potpourri wafted out from the mouth
of the jar, causing most of the younger guests to stand up to peer into
it.
 Cologne cackled victoriously. "Jumping Buddha Wall. Well done,
child." Shampoo only nodded grimly in response to her elder's praise.
 Akane, on the other hand, only had one covered bowl in her hands.
Ranma tried to hide the look of dread that threatened to jump at his
facial features.
 She placed the bowl on the small table, and uncovered it.
 A well-placed silence permeated the room, sharing time with the
Jumping Buddha Wall's odors.
 "What... what IS it?" Ranma wanted to know.
 "Vengeful pork," Akane intoned.

 The clock ticked lunch, then hell broke loose.