Gara's rambling: This chapter had been very difficult to write, even if I love writing with Youji (he is my fave, sure you guessed it, do you?). There is angst everywhere. I'm still not sure of what I have done. I think I've just complicate things, but it's the way it should be... Life is complicated, isn't it? Well, I hope you like it.

Disclaimers: Youji x Ken; Ken x Youji. Shounen-ai, for now. Angst. Of course, I have not any rights about Weiß Kreuz.



Silence

Chapter 5, by Gara


You could think I was lucky. I only had bruises and few burns after our second meeting with Schreient and the fight against that mad scientist Takatori Masafumi. If you keep in mind the house collapsed over our heads, I should consider myself lucky for my lack of wounds. But I didn't feel so.

My body wasn't my problem after our mission against Schreient. The problem was my mind. You know. Just when you think everything in your life is clear, it all turns around and you find yourself on the ground again. Not a good feeling, if I could give my opinion.

Not a good feeling at all.

Sometimes I wonder why life is so complicate. Sometimes I wonder if someone, high there, really hates me so much. Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me.

How had I managed to make Ken to fall in love with me? Because he was, I knew it. I saw it in the way he looked at me the day after our first meeting with Schreient, the way he worried about me, the way he talked to me, the way he acted when I dressed his arm. I saw it on his eyes, that something that informed me I had become far more important for him that just a simple friend. I thought he realised his own feelings at the end, or he would be soon, because one could not deny love for much time. I was pretty aware of this.

And I was pretty aware I was scared.

Hell, scared to the bone. I know I should be happy. I should be more than happy. Any other person in my very same situation would feel like he owns the world, or something. To be loved by the one you love is the greatest feeling ever. It's like being truly alive, the time before, when this person didn't love you, was grey. Now you see it in full colors. I had felt it before. And I didn't feel this time.

Because I was not 'any other person'. I was Kudou Youji.

I don't know why happiness seems to be forbidden to me. Maybe I didn't deserve it. I knew I didn't deserve Ken. The night before I discovered Ken loved me, I met again my first love. I discovered Asuka was alive; hiding behind the name and the mask of the Schreient called Neu. Just a quick look to her face when I broke her mask was enough to leave a mark on my mind. Just a little sight of that beloved face and I couldn't sleep that night, that was why I left the house so early in the morning. I wasn't very sure about what I had seen it right then, and I needed to think. I visited old places that brought memories of her to my brain, just to see if those images were the same I had seen the previous night in a flash.

Man, as if I needed the memories.

Everything screamed of it: she was Asuka. I didn't wanted to believe it, for the first time in two years I didn't wanted it. Well... maybe I did, but I wanted to believe I didn't need her right then. I was confused. I didn't wanted to start dreaming or something until I confirmed it. And I did the next night, during our second meeting. I managed to put off her mask.

Her face was the same as always, although her eyes wasn't as alive as before. I couldn't say anything. I couldn't ask anything. And the oportunity flew away when we started to fight against that mad scientist Takatori. Everything was confusing, I was confused. I didn't know how I managed to fight and do things correctly, but we won, the house collapsed over us and we didn't find any trace of Schreient. They could have died, but I wasn't going to believe it. We were alive, we had scaped, why couldn't they? It had happened before. I was not going to give up again, as I did years ago. Asuka was still alive.

Question: What did I feel? Answer: I felt like pure crap. Because my feelings for Ken hadn't changed a little bit. I was feeling the same. Could a man love two people at the same time? A woman and a man? I was sure I loved Ken, I was sure! The problem was that I was not very sure if I loved Asuka still or not.

I knew I couldn't forget her, I just couldn't. She had became someway my inner voice, that voice that warns you when you're going to do something wrong. It was her voice I heard saying 'Don't drive so fast, Youji' or 'Don't smoke too much, Youji'. Since her dead she had become my conscience, the same she was when we worked together. I kept her that way when I lost her. I kept her with me all this time because I loved her and needed her. And now that I loved Ken, now that her image was taking a second place in my heart, now that her voice was fadding in my mind... life turned around and brought to me my past love. I hated my life.

No. I hated myself.

What kind of bastard was I? How could I do that to a person like Ken? How could I be so mean to him? How could I betray him like that? Innocent, pure, truthfull, sweet Ken. How could he love such a bastard like me? He shouldn't. He was blind, I was not good for him. I had warned him. I had asked him to not care for me, but he didn't listen. He didn't listen, ever. And that was another of those details for which I loved him. It was weird, but it was also true.

God. I hated myself.

What was I going to do? I couldn't let Ken to get close to me because if I let him, I would hurt him, and that was the last thing I wanted. If Ken get near me, he would suffer. And he was such a good person he didn't deserved it. He deserved to be happy and find a person which could make him happy... not a person that didn't know what he felt for an old love.

But, if I didn't let Ken near me I was going to lose him. He was not only the man I loved, but my friend, and his friendship meant a lot for me. If I pushed Ken off I would be like... killing a part of me. I would kill a big part of me. It shouldn't matter, because I was supposed to hate myself. The problem was... If I pushed him off, I would hurt him too, because I was also his friend. And nobody wanted to lose a friend.

I just... didn't know.

He deserved to be loved for someone that could be there for him completely, that could make him absolutely happy. And this kind of person was not me. But he didn't deserve to lose a friend... even if I wasn't worth of his friendship.

What could he had seen in me to fall for me? He was blind. I was such a bastard... Such a stupid, selfish, undecisive, worthless...

"You're smoking a lot lately" said a low voice near me.

Late evening and I was sitting in the rooftop, the same I always do when I want to be alone. I jerked, I was so concentrated on hating myself I didn't realise someone was approaching to me. Was old Kudou Youji losing his mighty reflexes? I wished it would be that... but I knew it was not. I didn't looked up. Instead, I looked at the feet that were placed near me, just by the amount of cigarrettes ends I was collecting on the floor. I found tennis shoes and the end of a pair of sport pants.

It could only be him. The person I didn't want to see. The person I longed to see. Why was my life so complicated?

"Evening, Ken."

"It's amazing you could recognize a person for his ankles."

"Not ankles. Tennis. No one but you wear those shoes on this house."

"Guess so" he said. I didn't look at his face, but I could tell he was smiling that sweet smile of his. That was why I didn't look at him. After a long moment, he sighed. "I did some coffee to Aya and me and I just thought that... well..."

With that he showed a blue mug of coffee just in front my eyes. The smell was good and inviting, the same as Ken was, his gesture, his concern... I didn't dare to look at him. I should manage to put my mask on, I should behave like I always did. I need the joker, the funny Youji. Luckily, I wear my glasses with me. They are my wall, my mask, my everything. They are all I need to keep life at arm lenght. I pulled myself together and looked at him, raising an eyebrown.

"Are you telling me that not only you cook but you climbed the stairs with the mug... safe?" I asked him, in a mock tone, for which I was relieved. I managed to bring out the funny Youji, I managed to hide my emotions from him. Nor that I wanted to lie him, but protect him.

"You don't have to drink it if you don't want" he said, sounding upset and frowning. He looked so adorable that was a torture.

"Give me that coffee, you baka" I told him, just when he was going to retreat. How could I ever refuse something made by him? I just couldn't. He smiled and gave me the mug.

"You were here for several hours, I thought you would like some..." he said, standing at my side. It took a few minutes until he made the next step. "Can I sit down?" he asked me.

Ken was like an open book for me, he was so truthfull I was able to read his emotions easily most of the time. His innocence, his naivety in some question made him a simple character, and I found it precious. He was not complicated, like me, he had not double-meanings, like me. He was all I wasn't. No doubt I loved him. No doubt. And no doubt his question didn't come easily for him, he had been thinking a lot if he should sit down with me and act as he usually did with me, now that his feelings for me had changed. He should be wondering if he could act as he always did, or wondering if this behaviour would be a lie. He didn't like lies. But life was full of lies...

I took my time to answer, too. It was not easy, because I was tempted to tell him to go away, to retreat, to think again about his feelings, to look at me closely, he should discover the truth on me, I wasn't worth the suffering. I wanted to tell him to go away before it was too late... But I could not.

I knew I had not the right to think about him in those terms, but I needed his presence. I was selfish bastard, at the end. I have always been.

"Sure" I said, taking a ship of my coffee. It tasted good.

He sat down near me, but he was carefull of not touching me. Maybe he didn't know, but it showed a lot about his feelings. He had never been uncomfortable around me. Well, he blushed a lot and this stuff, but he had not avoided physical contact when I teased him, or when we were fighting or quarreling like kids. And then there was a space between us, a gap. It was unnatural, uncomfortable, and I was sure he sensed it the same as I, because he moved a little, a bit unsure.

"Ne, Youji..." He wanted badly to break the silence between us; it was something new. We had never felt this need. "Can I ask you something?" All the alarms flashed on my head, but, before I could answer anything, he asked. "Is something bothering you?"

Old Ken. Direct to the subject; he could not be subtle... As always.

Something bothering me? Not really bothering, but yes. He. I was worried for him, for my truthfull friend, for my dear love. I was worried for him because he was worried for me. I was worried for him because I didn't wanted to hurt him and I knew I was not going to be able of avoid it, because I didn't know what I really felt. I was between two people, and I couldn't give up none of them.

"Why do you ask?" I managed to ask.

"I told you. You're smoking a lot lately" he pointed to the cigarrette ends with his index finger. "You only smoke like that when you're worried."

He was a little clumsy and hot-headed, and a block-head sometimes... but sure he was clever when his friends were related. He was such a caring person. I didn't deserve him. He didn't deserve someone like me. Why couldn't he see it?

"Maaa..." I said, with my best god-may-care tone. "I'm worried for Omittchi, you know."

"For Omi-kun?"

"Aa. The kid is alone on a club... without my advice."

A point for me was I didn't lie to him completely. Omi was actually on a mission. As I had said, he was clubbing alone and of course I was worried about him, although we had him monitorized all time to know where he was at each moment. We should know his position every time, because the kid was a bait on this mission. We were waiting the kid got captured to follow his kidnappers until we found his place. It was the mission and Omi had volunteered to. When I reached the rooftop, hours before, I left Aya and Ken monitorizing Omi. I guessed it was Aya who was taking care of the kid, now.

"Who knows more about night clubs than old Yotan..." commented Ken, with a smile. Damn smile... he was so beautiful... "I'm worried for him, too, but I think he will manage."

"He is clever and he is part of Weiß. Yes, I know" I told him. "But it was a mission made for me." Ken laughed.

"Maybe Manx didn't let you go because she thought you could be distracted easily on a club, Youji" joked Ken. I smiled. I tried hard to put my happy mask before my, but I didn't suceed completely. My gesture lacked happiness... and he noticed. "It was suposed to be a joke, you must reply me and make fun of me... That's how life works."

"Why, Ken?" I told him, recovering my lazy tone quickly. "Clubs are such an interesting places to go. You can meet interesting people there, too. For once, you're right, I will not deny it."

"So, you admit you could be distracted from a mission being on a club? What a bad professional you are!" he protested. "We cannot trust you..." he said, and started to laugh. I just gulped.

It was true. He could not trust me.

"No, you can't" I said under my breath, but he heard me.

"What did you... " he asked, his laugh was instantaneous cut. He looked at me, directly to the eyes... or where he tought my eyes were. I was wearing my shades.

"It's nothing, Ken" I replied quickly.

"Youji... You're not.... like you lately" he said. He was staring at me still, but when I looked down, his eyes parted, his face blushed a little and he bit his lower lip, unease.

People said you're more receptive to the mood of your beloved one. You notice every change on your love, you know when your love is worried, happy or sad, the only thing you need is a short view of his behaviour. The way your love looks, talks, sits, stays and even the way he or she eats. I noticed Asuka's chages easily, and Ken's... they were not complicate people. It seemed Ken could feel mine, as well. It only talked about how close Ken was to me, and it scared me. He was getting too close for his own security. Too close.

I couldn't do that to him.

"What do you mean?" I asked, and I tried to sound upset. Sometimes I want to be able to use Aya's glare. With that, I could have made Ken run away and keep him safe from me.

"Hell, Youji, you know what I mean!" he said. I had forgotten Ken was the direct type of person. "Not only the smoking thing, lately you... seem to be lost... somewhere... I don't know where, but I... I... "

He stopped dead there and blushed furiously. He had said too much, as always, he had talked without thinking. He had said what he thought; for that I also loved him. Sometimes it was a little problem to him, but I found it just beautiful. I was so Ken's that it hurt.

"I... I... don't like seeing you like that" he corrected himself, lowering his head. I looked at him. Even if he had not told me the full truth, he had not lied to me.

God... How could this wonderful person be in love with me? How could he be so blind? It was a mix of different feelings on his face. Worry, anger, friendship, unsureness... but, above all, love. I wanted to be in a different world; in a world I could embrace him and confess my love for him. A world I could be sure I would not hurt him. A world in which I could make myself worth of his love. But I was not. I was in a world of doubts; I could not drag him with me. I could not!!

"Please, Ken... do not worry about me" I told him in a low voice. I wanted my voice to sound sure, like and order, but I failed.

"I can't help it, Youji! I told you!" he said, looking directly at me. "You're my friend! You have been here when I needed you, let me do the same for you!"

What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I enjoy the sensation of a person like Ken being my friend and loving me? I should feel incredible, great, full of life. And all that I felt was guilt. I felt guilty of becoming so important to him without being worth of it. Guilty because no matter how hard I tried, Asuka was still in my memory and my thoughts about her were betrayal to Ken. He didn't deserve it.

"Youji, I..."

No!

Nononono, NO! He shouldn't say anything more. He could not say what he was going to say. He could not be closer to me, I could not let him to. I had to stop him right there. And I had only one way.

"Asuka is alive" was what I told him.

Three words could broke a heart.

I saw it in the way he cringed over himself, the way he braced his own legs, the way his jaw tensed, the way his eyes shone. He tried hard to hide his emotions and keep them to himself, but he didn't suceed, it was a lost battle for Ken and I knew it. I had to repeat myself a million of times it was necessary, it was for his own good and safety. It didn't work. I felt bad, guilty, dirty and like the big bastard I was.

I was sorry.

"Wh- what?" he asked. It took lot of time he could found his voice, and when he used it, it sounded unsure. "A-Asuka? Alive?" I nodded slowly. "Do you mean... you mean... your Asuka?" Ken's voice sounded totally broken by then.

Those words showed my plan had been perfect, Ken had understood he had nothing to do, and I hoped he would not let himself go closer to me. But I had hurt him, and I had ploclaimed it was the last thing I wanted to.

"Yes, Ken. Asuka."

"But... What... Where?" he didn't know what to ask.

"She was with Schreient."

"Schreient?!"

"She is Neu. I broke her mask and see her face. She was Asuka." Ken was going to ask me something, but I was faster. "I'm absolutely sure." I was really surprised of my tone. It sounded neutral and totally sure. I didn't feel like that.

"My God..." he said in a low voice.

His tone was... I didn't know what it was, but it hurt. What was I doing to him? I hurt him. I should believe he was strong enough to take the blow, I knew he was. It was for his own good. Getting close to Kudou Youji brings nothing more that pain. It ocurred to me that there could be a good solution if I let myself fell from the rooftop and hit against the paviment. Easy. No more Kudou Youji. World would be safe. Ken would be safe... but it was the easy way. I'm Kudou Youji, my life should develope in the most complicated way it could be.

"What are you going to do now, Youji?" asked Ken, his voice full of concern.

It was impossible not to love him. Even if he had discover the lost girlfriend of the man he loved, his personal myth, had returned from death, he was still worried about me. It touched me. His gesture broke me down. I stared at the sky, trying to regain my composture.

"That's the problem, Ken" I said, without looking at him. "That's the damn problem, because I don't..."

I couldn't complete the phrase I wanted to say, because I felt Ken's arms arround my neck, pulling me to a embrace. I was paralized. I didn't expected this gesture from him but, again, I forgot he was the impulsive of the four. He did what he felt was correct.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he whispered near my ear. "I'm your friend."

My...

My friend...

He was my friend.

Three words could break a heart. Four could heal another, or get close to.

He was my friend.

Those four words was the only signal I needed to drove in to the embrace. No matter I broke his heart, no matter he loved me, he was still my friend, I was not going to lose him. My arms found their own way and hugged him thighly against me, my hands clunging on his shirt, on his back, my head on his shoulder. It felt so right, I felt so safe that for a moment I forgot Asuka and her face, the only thing that existed was Ken and his arms. I didn't know I needed a embrace so badly, but Ken knew. Ken knew.

He was, above all, my friend.

And for that, when I felt his right hand reached up to my hair, I broke the contact. As much as I wanted to stay like this forever, I had long ago taken my resolution to keep him as a friend, to protect him from me. If he kept hugging me, I was going to lose my resolution and confess my love for him, and it was not what I wanted. I just wanted to protect him from me.

"Why didn't you tell me, Yotan?" he asked again. I was relieved he used my nickname.

"I didn't want to worry you."

"You didn't make a good job, then" he said, almost smiling. "If you needed to talk to someone... anytime..."

"You're a nice guy, Kenken" I told him and, almost unconsciously, I ruffled his hair. He rolled his eyes.

"Stop that!" he shouted, and he only suceed on making me smile. I had a smile in return. "I'm serious, Youji. If you need to talk... I know I'm not very clever, but if you explain me slowly, maybe..."

"Baka. You are my best friend, Hidaka" I cut him. He blushed and looked at me, wide eyed. Beautiful. Just beautiful. "You must be, you have my life in your hands, Ken."

"What?" he asked, puzzled. Then, he remembered our little talk about terror films characters and started to laugh, same as me. "Oh, yes I have!"

"See?"

"Yeah, I see. I see you're behaving like you again" he said, with a happy little smile. I was relieved I didn't blush so easily, because I could feel the heat on my cheeks. "It was about time..."

"Balinese. Siberian." Aya stern voice could be heard on the rooftop. He both turned to the door that leaded to the house and found our red-headed leader, katana in hand and perfectly dressed on his mission outfit. "Bombay' signal is moving" he said seriously.

"They got him?" I asked, getting on my feet quickly. Ken imitated me and Aya just nodded.

"Iku" he said, turned around and dissapearing. We followed him quickly; we were yet dressed on our outfits, so the only thing we should do was taking the cars.

"Ne, Youji... feeling better?" asked Ken suddenly, before we leave the rooftop.

Was I feeling better? I still loved him and I didn't know what I felt for Asuka... or what I was going to do. But I had one thing clear. Ken was still my friend.

That was enough.

"Much better, Kenken. Thanks."

He just smiled and nodded. He iluminates my life... even if he could only be my friend.

TBC?


Gara is here again: I told you, I don't know what I've done. I was listening Mellow Candle when I started to write. Yeah, the song. I love it, you know. Shinichirou's voice sounds to me quite... broken on this song, although what he is saying is beautiful (or at least it is on my translation). I couldn't help but 'hearing' Youji saying all the things he thought on this chapter with that tone. It sounded good... althought I don't know if they're good. I feel I'm going in circles about the same thing, again and again and again and again. Does it sound as stupid as I think it sounds? ^_^;; I just thought it would be beautiful Ken returned the favour to Youji; Youji helped Ken to see he has friends in the first chapter. Now it's Ken's turn... althought for Ken it's a bit more complicated. Hope I didn't deceive you, please tell me what you think. Woa! What a rambling we have here, uh? I'm done.

Thanks for the reviews, thanks to all. As always, fei, Rinchan (Labyrinthine Dolt), Natharell... You don't know how much you helped me... Hope you like this too, although I don't like it very much. :(

BTW, can I ask for a beta reader that could correct my awful English?