A.N: Err, yes. It's been a while. About time, you say. I know. But it's finally here. :) I know that some pieces of the L/C puzzle won't quite fall into place, but all will be clear in due time.
* * * * *
It Had To Be
You
by inmyeyes
10 : Matters of the Heart
"El alma, por lo que
sufre; la vida, por lo que padece;
el corazón, por lo que pasa;
el
sentido, por lo que siente."
Lat., "The soul is measured by how much it suffers; life by how much it
endures; the
heart by how much it grieves; and the senses by how much they feel."
-Diego San Pedro
Rory jumped up and ran into her father's open arms. Hugging him tightly, her voice was muffled in his shoulder when she asked, "What are you doing here?" She missed the looks that were exchanged by her parents.
"Your mom told me you were home, so I decided to come down and see you." He pulled away slightly and smiled down at her. "It's so good to see you. It's been months."
Rory's smile was one of child-like exuberance. "Yeah." Taking his hand, she pulled him further into the living room.
All the while, Tristan quietly took in the scene, feeling like an intruder. He was about to excuse himself when Rory turned around, and led her father to him. He took in her bright smile and marvelled, not for the first time, at how beautiful she was.
"Dad, this is Tristan DuGrey." She smiled at him as she took his hand. "Tristan, meet my dad, Christopher Hayden."
Tristan held out his hand for a firm handshake. "It's nice to meet you, sir."
"Likewise," he smiled. "Call me Christopher."
Tristan turned to Rory. "Um… I think I should get going. You guys probably wanna have some family time together."
She smiled at him. "I'll walk you out."
* * * * *
When they heard the front door click shut, Chris sat down on the sofa, tossing Lorelai a pointed look. "He seems like a good kid."
Lorelai rolled her eyes good-naturedly. "It figures that you'd stick with your own kind."
Chris laughed, not taking her words to heart. "It looks to me like he's a lot less screwed up than I was at that age."
"Nuh-uh." Lorelai shook her head. "Every kid who grows up in that…" she gestured wildly, unable to find words to articulate what she meant to say. Finally, she crossed her arms and tilted her chin, almost daring him to challenge her. "There's something in the water they give to snotty Hartford kids that make each one of us screwed up."
"Well…"
"And," Lorelai cut him off, "I'm sure it didn't escape your notice that we interrupted something."
He wanted to laugh, but knew that it would only infuriate her further. "Lore," he said, gently, "Rory's not 16 anymore. She knows what she's doing."
"I just don't want her to make the mistakes I did," she mumbled in response.
"Oh, so now I'm a mistake?"
Lorelai's head snapped up and she narrowed her eyes at him when she saw the glint of amusement in his eyes, telling her that he was merely teasing. "Chris!"
All she got in return was laughter.
* * * * *
"You look really happy to see your dad," he commented. Even in the dim light, he noticed the way her eyes lit up.
She looked up, smiling. "Yeah, I'm always glad to see him." Her gaze returned to her feet; somehow she felt… shy around him, especially after what had almost happened before they were rudely interrupted.
From his position leaning against the side of his car, he watched her and after a moment, he gave in to the urge to tuck a wayward strand of hair behind her ear. She smiled her thanks, tilting her head as she observed him.
"You know," she said, breaking their silence, "I never thought of you as an Escalade kind of guy."
Tristan grinned as he tapped the hood of his car. "I love SUVs. And it's practical."
"Exactly," she agreed. "I expected you to go for a flashy convertible or something."
"I do have a Porsche," he reminded her.
She raised a brow. "A car for every occasion, huh?"
He laughed. "Something like that. Actually, the Porsche was a birthday present, but this baby right here," he gestured to the Escalade, "I bought with my own money."
Conversation lapsed again and Tristan shuffled his feet, suddenly feeling like a gauche 15 year-old. Taking a breath, he reached for her hand, then waited for her to look at him before speaking, "I had a really great time tonight."
Rory felt her cheeks flush at his words. "Me too," she replied, in barely a whisper.
He trailed his free hand through his hair, biting back his nervousness. "Can we- Do you want to-"
She squeezed his hand, understanding what he was asking. It was cute how flustered he was. "Yeah, I'll call you."
His lips curled into a smile. "Okay. Good."
A pause. Then he leaned in and lightly kissed her lips. "I'll see you tomorrow," he whispered.
She watched him drive away, her mind still caught up in him. Then heaving a sigh, she turned to go back into the house, not knowing what to expect now that her father was here.
* * * * *
Lorelai eyed her daughter warily when she entered the living room after walking Tristan out. Her previously relaxed posture was nowhere to be seen- instead, she stood tall, with her shoulders thrown back and her head held high. She looked as though she was going into battle; Lorelai suppressed a sigh at the thought. Rory was not going to make this easy. She felt Chris taking her hand in his and giving her an encouraging squeeze.
"How was your evening with Tristan?" she asked, opting for a non-confrontational start to some kind of conversation. For a minute, she wasn't sure if Rory would take the bait; indeed, Rory saw through her ruse and raised a brow in acknowledge.
"It was good," Rory finally answered, taking a seat on the vacant armchair. She didn't offer any other information and waited for either of her parents to get the ball rolling. After a few minutes of tense silence in which Lorelai & Chris seemed to avoid her eyes, she took it upon herself to say something. But that something wasn't quite what they expected.
"You know what? Since we've been able to hold off his conversation for so long now, one more night won't hurt." She was surprised to hear the slight malice in her voice. She thought that she had come to accept what had happened; she was wrong. She tried to smile to take off the sting of her words, then decided that it was best if she just got out of there.
"Rory."
Her father's quiet but firm tone stopped her in her tracks. She slowly sat down again, keeping her eyes on the floor. The prick of tears made her blink furiously; she didn't want to cry. Still, when she felt the familiar comfort of her father's arms around her, the hurt little girl in her took over. Her loud sobs filled the room as Chris cradled her in her arms, lightly stroking her back and making soothing noises. When she was all cried out, she pulled back a little and gave a shaky smile. Chris just smiled and wiped off her tears.
Lorelai bit her lip, her heart constricting at the sound of Rory's broken crying. The sight of father and daughter in each other's arms taunted her with images of what might have been, if she hadn't made the choices she made.
If she hadn't been so scared…
If she hadn't pushed Chris away…
When Rory was all cried out, she pulled back a little and gave a shaky smile. Chris just smiled and wiped off her tears.
"You feel any better now?" he asked.
She laughed a little but answered, "Not really."
"Well, too bad. We're going for a little walk."
Rory offered no protest and allowed to be pulled up and guided out of the house.
Lorelai watched the two most important people in her life depart and prayed that Chris would be able to set things right. She wanted her daughter back.
* * * * *
She felt like she was 8 again.
She remembered one of her favourite memories. It was the day before her eighth birthday and she was feeling down because her father hadn't called or sent a card; in fact, she hadn't spoken to him in weeks. Lorelai was trying to cheer her up with details about her party, but all she wanted was for her dad to be there. She even told her mom that, and she was old enough to notice how Lorelai's eyes dulled somewhat at the mention of Chris. But she had been young enough to merely overlook that, concerned only about her father's presence.
That was why she had been so ecstatic when she answered the door later that evening and saw her father's grinning face. He had scooped her up in his arms, gave her a tight hug and made a fuss about how big she was getting. She laughed and laughed, and her face hurt from smiling so much but she didn't care because her father was there. She had pulled him inside the house, and her excitement reached new heights when she saw the wrapped package in his hand, with the large red bow. After that day, Colonel Clucker became her favourite soft toy ever. Her attachment to it had never waned over the years; the soft plush toy gave her comfort and nostalgia. In fact, it was holding fort on her bed in her New York apartment.
She had always had a special bond with Chris, even though she knew that she was her mother's daughter.
"You wanna start? Or should I?" Chris asked, as they walked towards the town center. They had walked mainly in silence, the arm that he had thrown over her shoulder as their only link. Their first stop was Luke's where they got two cups of steaming coffee. Rory knew that Luke suspected that something was not quite right and before they left, he had given her a rare smile and lightly squeezed her hand. She had been glad for his concern.
Rory only answered him once they were sitting on the steps of the gazebo. "I guess I should start… but I don't know where."
"Start wherever you want," Chris said encouragingly.
A pause, then she asked, "Were you guys ever gonna tell me?" She sighed, nervously twisting the hem of her jacket. "Mom said that she was but-"
"It was your mother's call. I told her that if she wanted to tell you, she could… and if she didn't, I would respect that."
She turned to him, her eyes welling with tears. "How could you respect a decision like that?"
Chris' smile was resigned. "Marrying me was your mom's choice. And the divorce was her choice as well. So, I thought that telling you was a decision she had to make."
Resting her elbows on her knees, Rory covered her face with her palms. "I'm still angry," she mumbled.
"I know you are."
"And I feel like she-" Rory paused, not sure if she should go on.
Chris took in the defeated look in her eyes, suddenly understanding why Rory was as angry as she had been. "Like she took away our chance to be a family."
She bit her lip, feeling horrible for thinking that way but not really able to stop that train of thought. She closed her eyes, and a stray tear fell.
"Oh, sweetie," Chris sighed, wrapping his arms around her. "You know that's not true."
Rory finally let out the tears she had been holding back as she buried herself deeper into her father's hug.
He lightly rubbed her back, knowing that she needed a good cry. Leaning his chin on her head, he bit back a sigh. Things were more complicated than it seemed. When her crying finally subsided, he wiped away her tears and returned her shaky smile.
"Rory," he began, taking hold of her hand. He wanted to try and explain things to her. "There were a lot of problems between your mom and I when we found out that she was pregnant, and marriage didn't solve all those problems. I loved Lorelai then, and I still do." He smiled. "And I know she feels the same. I also know that if we had remained married, we might not have made it."
"Why not?" Rory's voice sounded small, and there was a pleading quality to it.
There was a faraway look in Chris' eyes when he spoke. "We were so young and we didn't really know what we wanted. I didn't know what I wanted. Lorelai would have hated being tied down to me when all she wanted was to get away and I had nothing to offer her." He looked straight at Rory and held her hand tighter, praying that she would understand. "And no matter how much we loved each other, eventually all the resentment would kill that love. Your mom's a smart woman; she knew that would happen. So she cut herself loose."
Rory's rational side accepted the explanation, but the little girl in her was still crying out. "It could have worked. She shouldn't have just given up."
"It might have worked out," he conceded. His smile was sad when he went on, "But it wouldn't have. I know you don't want hear this, Rory, but Lorelai did the right thing at the time." He pulled her closer. "And we are a family. Maybe not in the conventional sense… I may not always be here but we are family."
"I know, dad," she answered, a smile on her face. The smile vanished with the next question. "Does anyone else know?"
"No, we agreed to keep it all to ourselves. It would just cause too much heartache and unhappiness if any of your grandparents found out."
"Were you angry at her?"
He laughed lightly. "For a while, yes. Then I came to understand why she did it."
"I'm still angry at her," Rory mumbled. "For keeping it from me. How could she keep something this important from me?"
"Because she knew it would hurt you." Chris slung an arm around her as they stood up and started walking back to the house. "You have a reason to be angry but don't shut her out, Ror. She needs you."
"I'll try," she sighed.
* * * * *
The soft sound of footsteps on the wet grass alerted her to his presence. Pulling her jacket closer, she stood up and smiled when his figure was illuminated by one of the hanging lamps. He was dressed in navy sweatpants and a Yale sweatshirt underneath his jacket, his halo of blonde hair mussed from sleep.
"Hey," she called out softly. "Thanks for letting me come."
He accepted her outstretched hand. "You sounded like you need someone to talk to." He let her lead him up the steps into the gazebo and waited for her to sit down before he asked, "What's wrong?"
"I couldn't sleep," was her response.
"Yes, that's why you called me at 2am and asked me to meet you in my garden," he said, semi-sarcastic. "Out with it, Rory." His tone was stern but he was smiling. "I'm freezing my butt off for you."
Her lips curved into a slight smile at his words. "I just…"she trailed off, tugging at the ends of her hair in exasperation. "I wanted to talk to someone, and you were the first person I thought of."
"Why?"
"I dunno."
He knew that wasn't the real reason but he decided to let it go. "Do you want to go inside the house? It'll be warmer."
She shook her head. "No, I wanna stay out here." She shifted closer to him and hesitatingly wrapped an arm around his waist. When he reciprocated the gesture, she let out a sigh of relief.
"I know we just started this friendship thing, but you know that you can talk to me about anything, right?" he whispered.
"I know." She lifted her head from his shoulder and smiled at him, taking the chance to change the subject. "Tell me about your parents."
He shrugged. "What's to tell? They can't stand each other, I can't stand them and they can't stand me."
"My parents got married in secret when they found out about me," she blurted. "But a few months later, my mom filed for divorce."
He tightened his hold on her, instinctively knowing how hurt she was and wanting to offer comfort.
"She hid it from me… I only found out when I accidentally found the divorce papers." She took a deep breath; she didn't want to cry. "We used to tell each other pretty much everything, and for her to hide this from me… I've been so angry at her, and I dunno what to do anymore."
Tristan turned his body so that he could fully embrace her. "Rory…"
She accepted the comfort he was freely offering; she allowed him to pull her onto his lap as she leaned her head against his shoulder. God, he smelled good and he felt warm and safe. She tightened her grip on him.
"At least you know that both your parents love you," he finally said.
"Tristan-"
"No, no." He shook his head. "They don't love me at all. They don't love Nat at all. I know this." He swallowed the lump in his throat as a distinct memory of his childhood washed over him. "It was my 11th birthday party and even though my dad was away on business, I thought it was the best ever 'cause my grandfather was there and he gave me the best presents." Unconsciously, he fingered the band around his left hand. "And then later that night, I overhead my parents fighting… and well," he shrugged, "he basically said that I wasn't worth anything."
She leaned closer to him, as though trying to absorb his hurt. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay," he replied. "I've learned to live with it."
She pulled back, giving him a somewhat confused look. "How can you live with something like that?"
"You just do."
"You're not…" Rory broke off, not sure how to phrase what she wanted to say, or even if she should say it at all. But she took a look at him, and she knew that even if he didn't need to hear it, she wanted to say it. She needed to, because she didn't him to think that he didn't mean anything to her. "Tristan, you're not- I mean, you- you're something to me." She reached out to lightly touch his cheek, feeling a bit embarrassed.
His hand came up to grasp hers and he had the insane urge to kiss her; it was the only way he could fully show her how much her words meant to him. If he were still the 16 year-old he had been, he would have thrown caution to the wind and seized the moment… but he was older now, less rash and he knew that he shouldn't. He didn't want just one stolen moment. Besides, he wanted her to make the first move. He wanted to be sure that she wanted him as much as he did her. Instead, he settled for placing a feather-light kiss on her palm and hoped that his tremulous smile conveyed what he was feeling.
Deciding that a shift in subject was definitely necessary, he steered the conversation back to the reason why Rory was half-sitting in his lap with her arms around him. "Rory, hear me out, okay?" When she nodded, he went on, "Your parents may not be together, but that doesn't really mean anything in the grand scheme of things. They love you, and they love each other." He tucked an errant strand of hair behind her ear. "And that's enough."
"Funny you should say that," she couldn't help commenting wryly, "'cause my dad said that sometimes love isn't enough to keep two people together."
"But sometimes, love is what keeps two people, who are physically apart, together," Tristan countered.
"You're not
making any sense," Rory laughed.
He rolled his eyes and poked her side, laughing when she jumped in response. "You know what I mean."
"Yeah, scarily enough, I do."
"Lorelai loved your dad too much to let it all fall apart, that's what I think. She would have lost everything."
"I remember she used to tell me that love is a risk. And now, I can't see why she didn't take that risk with my dad," Rory sighed.
"It is a risk, but she had too much to lose."
Her brow furrowed. "How much is too much?"
Tristan chuckled. "I dunno, Rory."
She fixed her eyes on him, wanting to watch his reaction as she asked, "Have you ever been in love?"
His laugh sounded hollow to her ears. "Someone once told me that I couldn't love." He shrugged lightly.
"I don't believe that," she shook her head vehemently. "Everyone has the capacity to love. It's just a matter of giving it away, wanting to give it away."
She missed the wistful look that passed over his face. He didn't know how to answer her, "Well… yeah, I guess. No one's really made me wanna give it away."
Rory smiled at him, and that pesky voice in his head completed his thought, 'No one… except maybe you.'
He was in dangerous territory, and he knew it. Self-preservation, and the knowledge of the havoc Rory Gilmore could cause to his peace of mind, made him ruin the camaraderie between them. "I hate to break this up, but are we done? Or can we at least move inside?" He wriggled a little. "I don't think I can feel my butt."
Rory rolled her eyes, glad that the conversation turned light. "God forbid if something happens to your million dollar ass."
"Damn right," he agreed, winking at her. "I'll have you know that my butt has been the subject of appreciation many times in the past."
"I'm sure." As their playful banter trailed off, she became aware of exactly how close they were. She started to feel self-conscious and slowly stood up. "I should be getting home."
His mouth creased into a frown. He caught her hand and when she looked up at him, she saw the concern in his eyes. "Are you sure you're gonna get back okay?"
"I'll be fine," she said reassuringly.
"Are you still gonna be in Stars Hollow tomorrow?" he asked, once they reached the driveway.
"Yeah," she nodded "I'll be there for another day."
"I have to go back to New York tomorrow." He frowned. "I'll drop by and see you before I leave?"
"You don't have to," she protested, secretly pleased. "I'll call you when I'm back in New York."
"I don't think I can go that long without seeing you," he kidded, pouting.
"You'll make do," she retorted. "But," and her voice softened, "thanks for waking up in the middle of the night and talking to me."
"Yeah, well…" he shifted a little uncomfortably under her grateful- and entirely too enticing, he thought- smile. "You're welcome."
Rory took a step forward, then stepped back as though she had a last minute change of mind. After a second of contemplation, she moved towards him again, placing her hands on his shoulders and leaning up to kiss him. It was almost like that chaste kiss she gave him only the night before, but this one was longer and drove him that little bit more crazy; her lips lingering on his as her hands travelled to his neck and rested there.
Just as she was about to pull away, he rested his hands on her hips and that was all the encouragement both of them needed. Her hands moved into his soft, tousled hair as she allowed him to deepen the kiss. His lips slanted over hers slowly, as though enjoying the taste of her, and when he buried his hands in her hair and pulled her closer, the moan she had been holding back escaped.
The kiss was bone-meltingly slow with an intensity that made her feel light-headed; when he pulled away, she felt like she had thoroughly been kissed. He leaned his forehead on hers, desire swimming in his deep blue eyes as he kept her in his embrace. She couldn't help but smile, and lightly kissed him again. Reluctantly entangling herself from his arms, she got into the car.
When she
pulled out of his driveway, she was still smiling.
* * * * *
A kiss is never just a kiss.
God, he was certain that Rory Gilmore was out to kill him. Slowly. Maybe, painfully. The first move he had been wanting for finally came, and his self-restraint was so far gone that he just lost himself in her. He heard the warning bells in his head, but chose to ignore them. It was too easy to forget about self-preservation when her lips were parted beneath his and her hands were pulling him closer. The kiss was made all the more sweeter by the fact that she had confided in him.
Feeling conflicted between wanting to remember and wanting to forget the kiss, he drove his fingers into his hair and turned to his side in hopes of finding a more comfortable position. Sleep couldn't come fast enough. When he finally felt the coaxing fingers of sleep lightly lulling him, an image of Rory's smiling face bathed in moonlight flashed in his mind.
He smiled, letting sleep –and the dreams of her that he was certain would come- take over his consciousness.
What started off as a way to keep their families off their backs could turn out to be the beginning of something pretty damn good… or something that could only lead to heartbreak.
* * * * *
