A/N: I don't own them. I never will. I wish I did. (sighs sadly) Sorry for the very short chapter – it just worked out that way.
Prince Quest, a Cracked Fairy Tale
Chapter 4: Princess Imminent
Welcome, welcome, Faithful Readers. When last I, Timaeus the Glib, left you, Bulma and Goku were making friends with the frightening demon Piccolo. We'll leave our intrepid questers at the bridge for a time, and see what is happening with the other half of the as yet unresolved romantic duet - Prince Vegeta.
*************************************************************************************************
"Radditz! What have you done with the Book?" A short but beautifully proportioned man came into the antechamber, causing the tall, very longhaired fellow he was addressing to give a start.
"My Prince, I returned it to the locked cabinet. I believe your father has since borrowed it."
The prince scowled, placing one white-gloved hand on a black spandex clad hip. "Well, go and retrieve it from him then, laggard. I need it more than he does."
Radditz bowed. "I will do my best." He left the room. Prince Vegeta was in one of his "If you don't do what I say when I say it I'll break furniture over your head" moods again, probably brought on by that recurring nightmare about the Human who was to be a major part of his future life. Not that the prince had confided his dream experiences to any members of his Personal Guard, but Radditz wasn't a complete fool, and it was his job to notice such details. So, it was not unnatural that the warrior/sometime butler/sometime valet much preferred facing the possible wrath of King Vegeta to the certain wrath of his only son. He was one of a multitude of citizens who thought it unfair that their Prince should have had to wait until he was twenty-six to mate, with his only choice being a weak-blooded Human, but all of the kingdom's inhabitants had seen what had happened when their royal family tried to swim against the streams of fate and prophecy before. There was always a negative result. Always. In recent years, three Elite warrior females had suffered freak accidents along with the prince when he had attempted to circumvent the Prophecy and not wait to mate with the Blue-Haired Woman. Luckily, none of these were fatal. He turned the corner to the King's Audience Room, and knocked on the door.
Back in his suite of rooms, Prince Vegeta paced and railed in silence. I am sick of having that same stupid dream about that odd-haired Human! Once a month for the past eight months she's come into my bedchamber and yelled at me, and then tried to resuscitate me by putting her mouth on mine when I was not even unconscious – Humans are truly bizarre beyond comprehension. The hell with the Prophecy – she doesn't seem like anyone I'd want to spend a minute with, let alone be mated to for a lifetime. I am the Prince, pureblooded and Elite. If I must have a mate at all, I deserve a high-ranking female of my own race. Why does the Book insist that I shall have no one but her, whoever she is? I will allow that she is attractive, in a pale, foreign, curvy, sexy way, but she looks feeble. I'd break her with a touch. He stopped at a window and gazed down into the courtyard. Young fighters were training; he grinned with malicious enjoyment as he watched one small girl knock a particularly arrogant little snip on his hindquarters. The boy rose, rubbing his tail, and dove back at her. They traded blows back and forth, with varying degrees of skill and success, unaware of their exalted audience. This scene entertained Prince Vegeta mightily, until he noted the presence of Radditz's ki in the antechamber once again.
He turned back to face the door. "Enter," he said to the lower-status warrior.
Radditz bowed, and did as instructed. "Here, my Lord." He proffered a huge red covered volume to the prince, who took it to the massive oak worktable nearby, and set it down carefully.
"That will be all," the prince told him. Radditz bowed again, and retreated out the door, and out of the chapter.
Prince Vegeta sat down in the comfortably upholstered chair, and opened the Book of Prophecies, Possibilities, and Ponderous Utterances to Page 733. The Book had added another hundred or so pages since the last time he'd looked at it, all contained in the same space as before. It either wrote itself, or the ghost of the Mad Prophet Cillantro-Jicama continued to write it, long after his untimely death from an unexpected allergy to Sassafras Pudding. The prince never knew which page his particular Prophecies would be on each time; he merely opened it to a random page, and there they were. He peered at Page 733. Sometimes the wording of the Prophecies had been known to change, as well. Today the entry read:
Salutations, O Unwise Prince of the Land of Vegetable. If you haven't figured it out by now, lummox, you should be preparing for the imminent arrival of your mate. And there should be none of this foolish jabbering about unworthiness. Do you really think that the Ones Above would have chosen this Woman for you without a good reason? So, my advice to you is to wait until she arrives, and then see what your opinion of her is, for if you throw her out, the Death Prophecy'll get ye, my pretty gold doubloon.
"What is a doubloon?" the prince wondered. He had a pretty good idea what a lummox was, but decided to say nothing, though he was mildly annoyed by the insult. It was not as though he had not been called far worse in the past. "Only in our family would we get a Talking Prophecy Book," he said, and concentrated on the page again.
Ahem. Never mind about the man with the doubloon in the corner with the wrench. Your stubborn little mind wouldn't comprehend the concept of alternate universes, anyway. Now, pay attention! If you don't want your kingdom and the Earth to be torn to pieces by the coming of the Greatest Evil, accept the Blue-Haired Woman and the Five who accompany her, or all will die. Why is that so difficult to understand, O Princely One? Eh?
Prince Vegeta glared at the red volume, thinking that he was truly going insane if he was starting to talk to an inanimate object, even if it was of magical origin. It had never "spoken" to him before, though, either. "It would be far simpler if you told me directly what the Greatest Evil was, and how to avoid it. I don't want to pollute the blood of my heir with that of one of those weaklings." He flinched as the Book's pages started to flap in agitation, and then settled back down. There was very little he was, or ever had been afraid of in this universe, but he would admit to himself alone that magic talking books were now high on his list of things that unnerved him. Magic talking books written by long-dead people - and Frieza, the evil tyrant, not necessarily in that order.
Stubborn. Stubborn. Stubborn. Stubborn. You already know I am unable to tell you everything. I reveal to you what is allowed by the Ones Above, and no more. Regals, you're all so ungrateful. All I try to do is help my beloved royal family from beyond, and this is the thanks I get. Shame, shame, shame. Have you forgot what happened to your Granduncle Celerigula when he was told he should not go on that last minute hunting trip? Or to you and the ones you attempted dalliance with, on those occasions where you tried to get 'friendly' with the Ladies Lima, Tomatillo, and Arugula respectively?
The prince grimaced at the memories of extreme physical pain from having buildings and trees fall upon him unexpectedly, and ran a hand through his naturally spiky, upswept mane of dark hair. "No. I have not. It would be impossible to forget about any of those incidents. Celerigula met and married King Tenshinhan the Brave's first cousin, and then, when she died, ran off and became a peaceful hermit. The least he could have done to save the family honor was to become a warrior hermit. It was a stunning display of weakness, and a disgrace to us all. However, I do not see why I am forced to wait until I'm mated to engage in 'friendly' behavior." He would have called it something a little cruder, but the presence of the ghost stayed his tongue.
Just do it. I've never been wrong in my life, or in my death. It was the only benefit to being mad.
"Grrrrrrrrrrrrr."Just. Do. It. The Blue-Haired Woman will be here before you know it.
All right, I will! I will! Good day!" Prince Vegeta closed the Book with care, got up, and walked away from the table, fuming and muttering under his breath about tainted bloodlines and prophet ghosts who didn't know their proper places. And then he caught sight of the mirror across the room, upon which was written, in large letters: "Mess Up at Thine Own Risk." He had a hard time repressing a shudder after that, as he went back to pick up the Book in order to return it to its resting place in the locked cabinet down the hall. He had a key, so he wouldn't bother calling Radditz to come and put it away. He didn't want it in his grasp for any longer than was necessary.
************************************************************************************
Welcome once again, Readers of Great Distinction, to my, Timaeus the Glib's, chapter ending paragraph. So, now we have met Bulma-the-Beautiful's Handsome, Rich, Intelligent, Strong Prince. What do you think of him? I'm not certain he's going to properly appreciate the wonder that is Bulma, but we'll see as we go on. I will say this, Dear Audience, if he doesn't treat her with all due respect, I'll…I'll…
(Prince Vegeta appears, sneering) You'll what, Human?
Timaeus: I'll…oh, just get back in the story. I never in my life had such a problem with characters not staying in their own familiar surroundings until you came along.
Prince Vegeta: Hn. I could easily destroy you with one blow, insignificant Human worm, but you're no challenge to me, so I choose not to. (disappears)
Timaeus: Ahem. Thank you for being such a wonderful audience. Until our next chapter, with much fondness, Timaeus.
**************************************************************************************
