A/N: Love the wonderful reviews – thanks muchly! ^_^
Prince Quest, a Cracked Fairy Tale
Chapter 5: Menace Underground
Hello! I, Timaeus the Glib, welcome you to our fifth chapter. We now return to the merry and somewhat twisted adventures of Bulma-the-Beautiful Briefs as she journeys to meet her unenthusiastic, and, if you ask me, ungrateful, husband to be, the Handsome Prince of the Vegetables. Let us make our way back to the bridge where Bulma and her new friend Goku have been in conversation with the awe inspiring green Demon Piccolo the Younger.
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"Piccolo - err - Piccolo the Younger, if you journey with us, I can promise you won't be bored," Goku added enthusiastically. "I don't know where Bulma's going, but like I said before, I'm on my way to find my wife and bring her back, so we can live happily ever after."
Bulma rolled her eyes at his back. He is soooo naïve. Happily ever after – really, now. I only wish it could be that way. Look at me, for example. I've had to go out in the world *by myself*, and find a Handsome Prince, who will probably end up being really icky-looking as far as icky were-monkeys go, and how would I know what one looks like, never having seen a Vegetable before, O woe is me.
Piccolo the Younger stared down at the Human male, reading his aura with a sense of befuddlement. This Goku was an unusual member of his race, for not only did he have an exceptionally high level of ki, but also a special kind of innocence and charisma. He was the sort of person who convinced one to take actions one had never planned, a catalyst. There was something odd about the Human female as well, besides her hair. He found her annoying, if brilliant, yet he had a strange compulsion to aid her, he who had been taught to think nothing but ill of her species. Perhaps he would set his steps to theirs for a while; he was young in the world, but he learned quickly, and always wished to know more. Yes, he would go with them and see what befell. "I must wait for the Abominable Troll to return, but I expect her presence within the hour. Then, I will come after."
"Great!" Goku reached out to slap Piccolo the Younger's hand in his enthusiasm, but the green Demon warned him off with flaring eyes.
"He'll probably try to eat us," Bulma said under her breath.
"I will not," replied the Demon, sounding insulted. "I eat rarely, and drink only water as a beverage."
The scientist in Bulma was intrigued, though she was a bit miffed at herself for already forgetting that Demons had superb hearing. "Really? Why is that?"
"I know not, save that it is all the sustenance my body requires." The Demon Prince rose back into the air, and did a lazy, graceful somersault before settling into a lotus position. "Go now. The Abominable Troll will arrive soon, and I do not want to have to explain that I was unwontedly generous."
Goku nodded. "See you shortly!"
Bulma also nodded, as she didn't feel she had much of a choice. She just hoped that The Fanged Green Monster wouldn't decide he wanted to kill them later on. The beauty picked up her bicycle, and together the questers walked across the lovely white stone bridge, and into the Land of Panchan.
Ten minutes later, she was reminded that they'd never had a chance to eat when she heard another dreadful gurgling sound coming from Goku's stomach. He's going to say, "Bulma, I'm hungry," she predicted in a whisper.
"Bulma, I'm hungry," said her companion, looking at her with his appealing dark eyes.
"So am I. Still. Let's find a place to stop this time that doesn't have any Demons or Trolls attached to it. Hmm, I think that nice hill will do." She pointed to a small rise in the distance. The road had begun to slant upwards a bit, and she pedaled harder.
The young man shrugged, and then laughed as his midsection gave off another loud, sustained gurgle. "My stomach's so empty, I could eat almost anything, almost anywhere."
"Here. This is perfect." Bulma stopped the bike, and descended from it with as much grace as she could manage, considering her legs were a little stiff from her unaccustomed exertions. She rummaged in her backpack, and found the capsule she was looking for, the one entitled Instant Picnic. With a toss, and a BOM!, the capsule released its contents: a big, comfortable blue blanket, and a foldable wooden table and benches complete with a cheery red gingham tablecloth. A huge, overflowing basket of comestibles sat atop the table.
Goku drooled when he saw the feast. "Let's eat!" he said, rushing toward the picnic table, tongue hanging out.
"Leave some for me!" Bulma followed, and sat down hastily, settling the blanket beneath her. She chose what she wanted in the food department: bread, meat, cheese, condiments, and strawberries with whipped cream, and poured herself a small glass of Brother Rimfuld's Rose Wine. The rest she left for the man with the endless appetite.
"Mnnn! Yum! This is really good, Miss Bulma!" Goku exclaimed around mouthfuls of delectable edibles, his eyes shining.
The blue-haired woman smiled and preened slightly. "I can be a very good cook, when I want to, and it also helps to know the right places to shop for the little extras." She nibbled on a slice of very expensive Safoyar cheese, punctuating her statement, though Goku would have had no idea that this was a specialty product much favored by the best families. He had no idea of proper table manners, either. He was shoveling in food with both hands. She winced, and rescued the wheel of Safoyar. There was no way he was going to eat a thousand demark cheese without giving it the proper respect. She surreptitiously put it back in the empty basket, along with the re-corked bottle of wine that Goku had shown no interest in. She finished her own meal, and then waited patiently for the Spargatian's rate of consumption to slow to a halt. And waited. And waited some more.
Finally Goku looked up, rubbing his belly with satisfaction after he polished off a large blue raspberry pie. "Thank you, Bulma! Chi-Chi would have lots of compliments for you about your cooking."
Bulma sighed loudly. "We need to be on our way again, or at least I do. You never did say where you were going."
"Oh, I'm just following Chi-Chi's smell. It says she went this way. I'll just keep walking until the smell gets really strong, and there she'll be."
"Her smell?" Bulma winced. She had a dreadful conception of what this "smell" must be like. It must be very strong if Goku could follow it anywhere, though she herself hadn't noticed any unpleasant aroma lingering in the air as they'd been traveling.
"Uh huh. She smells just like fresh baked bread and lemons. Yummy."
The refined Heiress of Capsule Corp. was relieved. No horrible odors to worry about, then. A thought occurred to her. "How can you 'smell' her from here? She's not anywhere around, as far as I can tell."
"My grandfather always said I had a really smart nose. That's why!" The Spargatian grinned at her proudly. "Okay, I'm ready to go find my Chi-Chi!"
Bulma re-encapsulated the Instant Picnic, and went to pick up her bicycle. "I wonder where that Piccolo Demon is? Shouldn't he have caught up with us by now?"
Goku frowned in agreement, and opened his mouth to speak, but there was a drastic thunking sound, and the hillside below their feet collapsed.
"Whaaaaaaa?" yelled Bulma as she and her companion fell into a large hole in the now open ground. Goku let out a loud grunt of surprise instead of whatever it was he would have said had he been allowed to finish saying it.
They dropped perhaps five feet, and then landed on their nether ends on a thick, brambly floor rug. "Ouch! What kind of deviant person makes rugs out of twigs and branches!" the lovely lady complained, rubbing her abused backside, and sitting up as quickly as she could in order to look around, as well as to get away from the big clumps of dirt that surrounded her. It was suspiciously light down here for being belowground. That could only mean one thing…one very bad thing. Dwarves.
Goku jumped to his feet, and stared off to their left where there was a big oak table with a crew of stocky little men seated around it, drinking what smelled like ale. He didn't like the smell of ale. The short men looked at their unexpected guests with decidedly unwelcoming expressions.
"Damned be you, you broketh our fine ceiling!" said the one closest to them, standing up and unstrapping a hefty axe from a belt around his middle.
"You also criticizedeth our taste in home furnishings!" said another, even stockier little menace. "Death to intruders who criticize the beauty and stability of Dwarf-made products."
"Well, if this is what Dwarven architecture is, I am not impressed," said Bulma. "The lot of you need to go back to Dwarf mining school, and learn how not to over-dig. Your ceiling was a serious accident just waiting to happen." She sniffed, and looked around for a way out before the Dwarves noticed that she was female, which was what worried her most. She'd heard terrible things about perverted dwarves, after all.
"KILL that obnoxious Human!" ordered the first Dwarf, pointing his finger at the young lady with the aqua hair. "And after you've killed her, make HER fix the ceiling, if she's going to be so smug about it!"
Bulma shook her head in disbelief. She'd also heard that Dwarves, besides being perverted, were quite intelligent. Not these ones. She looked over at Goku, seriously hoping that he was going to stop the Dwarves from taking her wonderful, meaningful life, because she couldn't use the Exploding Nerve-Numbing Gas Capsule to defend herself in such close quarters. He grinned at her, a ferocious "Time to Kick Hiney" type of grin, and stepped forward to block the mass of advancing Dwarves.
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Tis I, Your Loyal Friend and Narrator, Timaeus the Glib, pleased to invite you back to my small corner of the world. It doth seem that we will have action at last in the chapter following this one. What will become of Bulma-the-Beautiful Briefs? Will Goku truly be strong enough to save her from the dastardly, perverted Dwarves with bad taste in rugs, or will they both fall beneath the mighty axes of these creatures in desperate need of an interior decorator? And what of Prince Vegeta? What has been happening with Our Hero since Chapter 4? Patiently await our next Chapter, where these questions will more than likely be answered if the Author is kind and in a good mood. May there only be rain on your heads if you want it for your crops. Kisses, Timaeus. Oh, not again…
Head Dwarf: So, Timaeus the Glib, you moldering idiot, I thought Narrators were supposed to be neutral. You've already made it plain that you don't think our taste in decorating is up to speed. I think it would look much better if your corpse adorned the walls of our newly refurbished home – what's your august opinion on that, eh?
Timaeus: (runs and stands behind a pillar) Save me from Dwarvish upstarts! You aren't the stars of this story, Bulma-the-Beautiful is; therefore, I must comment on her preferences, tastes, and thoughts. It is not my fault in the least if she assumes untrue things about you.
Head Dwarf: What a weasel! And methinks we are not the perverts here, scrawny Human. Just see that there are no more references to the need for an interior decorator, and I won't maul you with the Mighty Axe of Mardy-Pardy-Hardy. (leaves, casually tossing his mighty axe in the air, and catching it by the haft with two fingers)
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A/N: A demark is a universal unit of currency in this AU, worth approximately 20 American cents. So, you can see why Bulma felt that her costly cheese deserved to be savored. ;)
