A/N:  I've decided to take this out of the romance category and put it into fantasy, since there's not what you would call a lot of romance in it to this point.  ^_~  For anyone who is still reading, I'm sorry it took so long to update.  I had problems with my computer, and then my hard drive died, and it took a couple of weeks to get everything back from the repair center.  I should start putting It's. Always. Something. in my signature line for 2002, I swear.  ^_^;;

Renee:  I'm so indecisive sometimes; I couldn't decide what kind of pizza the Dwarves would have ordered, so I didn't put anything down.  ^_~  I was thinking of something like a Fried Seaweed with Spicy Meatballs pizza, but then, I'm a bit twisted.  ^__^

Prince Quest, a Cracked Fairy Tale

Chapter 7:  From the Forest…

Ah, hello, Gentle Readers.  When our previous Chapter ended, some evil thief had stolen Bulma's pack and her bicycle.  Well, who was this devilish soul?  Let us go and find out, quickly, now.  Quickly.

**********************************************************************************************

 "Someone's taken my things!" Bulma cried.  "How dare they?"

Goku looked around.  "They did?  When?  Well, don't worry, Miss Bulma.  We'll find out who did it, and…"

"And avenge this insult with blood," Krillin added, sinking into his role as Bulma's new companion with disingenuous ease.

"And rearrange his dastardly insides," the Demon Piccolo finished.  How had he failed to notice the thief's ki?  This was the second time today he'd been caught unaware.

The aqua-haired beauty winced.  "No, I think that just getting my knapsack and my bike back would be sufficient – that, and dropping the culprit off at the nearest Justice Station, where he, if it's a he, would serve at least five years in prison, with only rats for company."

Her three stalwart companions sweatdropped, and then nodded sharply in agreement.  "Let's go find him!" Goku slid to his knees, and started to look for tracks while also attempting to find an energy signal. 

Krillin went to his flying vehicle, and got out a thin, flexible, two-pronged stick from one of the side panels.  "It's a scissor whip and tracking device," he told an openly curious Piccolo the Younger.   "According to this, there's been no one around with a ki level of any sort.  So, he must have been using some kind of dampening device."

Everyone fell silent and concentrated.  A few minutes afterward, three voices called simultaneously, "I know where he went!"  All eyes turned to the large forest situated at the left side of the road, which loomed just above the upsweep of the hill.

Bulma frowned.  She hadn't paid much attention to the landscape past the Dwarves' hill; she'd been too hungry at the time they stopped here to be concerned with anything but food. 

"Let's go!"  Goku started running as soon as he finished speaking.  "This calls for a little something extra.  Kintoun!"  A pretty little yellow cloud swooped down from the sky, and he jumped onto it, zooming away up the road.

Krillin ran to the fly-a-scooter, leaped on it, and took off.  Piccolo launched himself into the air, and caught up with them.  Behind them, Bulma stood stunned and blinking.  Some gentlemen THEY were, forgetting all about a lady who couldn't possibly keep up with them.  She hoped they caught the villain, or she'd be very perturbed with the three of them. She also was dying to know where Goku'd acquired that handy magical cloud, and why he hadn't used it to travel with.

"Men!  And Demons!" she complained as she walked hurriedly up the hill.  She peered down at her wrist, and the combination chronometer/speedometer/compass/map.  "The Forest of Changing Identities," she said.  "Now, just what is that supposed to mean?"

Ahead of her, her three "defenders" had made it to the first enclosure of trees, where they paused, and Goku sent Kintoun away again.  Before them was a large orange sign that stated:  BEWARE OF DOG.  Below that was a smaller green sign, which told them to ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK, IDENTITIES SUBJECT TO CHANGE. 

"Weird," Krillin said.  "Oh, and where's Miss Bulma?"

Goku looked abashed.  "Uh, I forgot about her, but maybe she won't be mad at us if we find the thief before she sees us again.  She's got a temper, you know." 

Piccolo the Younger winced, and turned to view the road behind them.  "Yes, that she does.  She is on her way, and will arrive shortly.  We should go into the forest, capture the cyclenapper, and present his roasted corpse to her on a platter.  Then she will be less likely to make loud, angry sounds at us for our accidental desertion."

"Forward, ho!" Goku said, walking past the signs, a smile on his face.  He just loved a challenge.

"Who made you the leader of this expedition, Human?" The Demon Prince asked, prickly-voiced, but he and Krillin trailed the spiky-haired man into the forest.  He noted that the diminutive bald Human had suddenly turned a milky, soupy shade of white, but did not understand why.  Then he saw the gigantic, slime-dripping, hazelnut-colored worms hanging from the trees, and then not hanging from the trees any longer, but sliding and falling down to the ground, in their direction.  It seemed as though they would have a good fight on their hands this time.  He exposed his fangs, and began pacing toward the knobby-skinned worms.  They were a good three feet around, and probably six times as long.  Wet green trails coated the ground on which they slithered.

"Ugh!" Krillin said.  "Oh, well, what can we do?  They're here, so we have to fight them."

Just then, a small pink and white spotted lizard flew up to Goku from out of the trees somewhere, followed by a beautiful girl with long white hair, and skin as purple as could be.  "I warn you - don't go any further, and don't fight the worms!" she said with a hint of a shriek in her high voice.  "This is what the sign means by Changing Identities.  I'm really a black-haired man with tan skin, and a deep voice, and Pu'ar is really a flying cat.  It's an illusion spell of some sort.  If the worms touch you, you suddenly appear to be something you're not.  I don't know how long it lasts.   And don't forget to Beware of the Dog.  It's a monster!  Why did I have to escape into an Enchanted Forest, of all places?" she asked herself with a dark frown.

"Escape?"  Piccolo queried menacingly, levitating in order to avoid one of the huge, slithery worms as it made its way in his direction.

"Ah, did I say escape?  I didn't mean it," the girl said, backing away and whistling an innocent tune.

"Goku, I believe this is our thief," said the green Demon, baring his fangs at her.  At him. At her-him.  "Now that we have found you, poltroon, what shall we do with you?"

The girl sighed loudly.  "If we can just get out of this place, I will give you back the bicycle and knapsack.  I may be Yamcha, Formerly the Desert Bandit and now the Forest Bandit, but this is definitely the wrong forest to be a bandit in.  I've been magicked to look like a girl, chased by worms and a slobbering house-sized dog, and that's more than enough for me."

Krillin was narrowing his eyes at the girl, Yamcha, but he said, "Well, what are we waiting for, guys?  We don't need to fight those worms, unless you want to look like a girl.  And I do not want to see the house-sized dog, either."

"Too late," a giant pink six-armed carrot said cheerfully, as it threw one of the worms far away into the trees.  "Okay, now, I'm ready!  We've found the thief, so let's go collect Bulma and be on our way.  Though, it'd be fun to find the dog and see how long it takes for me to defeat it."

"Um, Goku, you're not a girl, but you look a little different now," Krillin ventured, veering away from a fast-moving worm that was on his trail.  "I don't even want to see what I'd look like, so I'm getting out of here!"  He suited the deeds to the words, and burst out from under the trees, halting at the side of the road.  The worms did not follow.  After him, the white-haired 'girl' and the Demon followed, and then finally, Goku emerged as well.  From within the forest, loud barking resounded, and a long, black tongue protruded into the sunlight before a strangled yelp was heard, and those standing there smelled the stench of burning meat.

"I guess it's not allowed outside," said Krillin, grinning in relief.  "I'm glad we got out just before it showed up."

The massively oversized carrot made a sound of disgust.  "I haven't had a chance to finish a battle yet this journey.  If it's not one thing, it sure is another.  Hi, Miss Bulma!  You certainly made it here fast," he said, as the three fighters registered her presence, and the female-appearing bandit even seemed to have noticed the aqua-haired young woman's quiet, fuming arrival.

"NO THANKS TO YOU!" Bulma yelled, and then blinked a few times. "Goku, is that you?  Why are you pink?  More to the point, why are you a carrot?"

"Oh, that.  It seems to be an illusion spell.  It'll probably wear off soon.  But, look, we found you the bandit.  Give her back her belongings.  Now," the Goku-carrot said, laying three ferny hands on the purple girl's shoulder.

"All right, all right."  The girl who was really a man reached in her backpack, and pulled out a capsule.  She stepped forward to hand it to the lovely Miss Briefs; thus were Bulma's bicycle and knapsack returned to her.  Bulma wasn't about to assume that they actually were in the capsule, so she made sure to check for herself.  She was pleased to find that everything was there, and in one piece.

"Thank you," Bulma said to her trio of companions.  "So, what are we waiting for - the end of time?  Let's take her to the closest Justice Station and make her really sorry."

"No, please, don't do that," the bandit begged.  "I only wanted to find a present for my sweetheart.  I was making a good living as a Desert Bandit until I met her, and moved to Vinegarhaven.  I then became a Forest Bandit, but Melodia demanded of me that I become an honest man, and sent me out into the world with instructions not to return to her until I had brought her back a gift beyond price.  There's no chance I could ever buy a gift beyond price, so I was hoping you happened to have one.  I haven't deprived any rightful owners of their property in months - before today."

"You look like a girl to me," Bulma told him, shaking her head at his probable insanity.

"It's another spell.  My name is Yamcha, and I'm definitely a man!"

"I see."  She shook her head at him again.  Obviously, he'd never read any of the old tales, or he'd have an idea of what his sweetheart was talking about.  She could enlighten him, but she figured Melodia's idea had been to have him learn on his own.  Still, she'd give him a hint, not that he'd be seeing his sweetheart anytime soon, because she was going to make sure he would be punished.  "You can't buy the sort of gift she's asking for," she informed him.

All four manly beings stared at her blankly, their lack of understanding complete.  "Huh, Miss Bulma?" Goku finally asked her.

"I can't tell you, or I'd ruin his quest.  Though, I'm going to ruin it anyway.  It's off to jail with you, thiefy!"

Goku the carrot looked at Yamcha the girl/guy, and then said, "Miss Bulma, you are going to hate me for this even more than you did for what I did with the Dwarves, but we can't send him to jail.  He and his lizard are going to have to go with us."

"I'm a shapeshifting cat," the lizard interrupted, but nobody appeared to have heard.

"Are you trying to torture me, Goku?"  Bulma stomped one beautiful foot, and walked up to the huge carrot, which towered over her by at least three feet.  "I'm still mad at you for the Dwarves.  I suppose you had another 'feeling'?"

The carrot blushed, which was a frightening sight to those below, and even disconcerted the very tall Demon.  "I know you won't believe this, but when I was defending you against them, I suddenly had a brief vision of them helping us in a dangerous battle; Lord Breaksixbones was unmistakable – I'd know that blue beard anywhere.  So, I decided to stop.  I've never had a real vision before, so I knew it had to be very important."

"Oh," Bulma replied, her anger suddenly defused.  "Well, I still think they are tacky.  And I've gone with your 'feelings' up to this moment, so, yes, I do believe you."  She backtracked.  "A battle?  What do you mean?  What battle, and with whom were we fighting?"

"I couldn't tell.  Everything was confused.  I saw the Dwarves, and some angry men with hair like mine, and tails, and us, all standing facing a big, wheel-shaped object, and then it was gone."

"Tails?!  Were they fighting us?"  It would be just her luck, with the way this quest was going so far, that the Vegetables took one look at her, pronounced her too ugly for their prince, and attempted to kill her.  She had no idea what the wheel-shaped object could be, however.

"No.  They were on our side," Goku said decisively.

Bulma breathed a deep, relieved sigh.  That was something, at least.  As she was tramping up the hill, she had been thinking about aborting her quest, and returning home, though it was against the code of the Briefs to quit at anything, be it sport, or inventions, or finding the proper husband.  "So where do the bandit and the pink lizard come into this, pray tell?"

"Cat.  I am a cat," the small lizard squeaked again.

Goku scratched his head.  "They were part of 'us'."

"Drat.  I should have known."

Yamcha eyed them thoughtfully. "If we come with you, does that mean you won't send me to prison?"

"We won't send you to prison," grumped Bulma, after pretending to ponder her non-existent options.  "As long as you help us, that is – and no more thievery from you, either – do you understand?"

The former bandit hung his head.  "I do.  I can fight pretty decently, so I guess I could be of assistance that way.  I also have a Speed Warrior, so we can travel in style."

"Nice wheels!"  Krillin said.  "Let's ride with him!" 

And so it was decided that Bulma and Krillin would ride with Yamcha and Pu'ar, Goku would use Kintoun as a method of transportation, and Piccolo would fly, and if he no longer felt like flying, he would also ride in the top of the line convertible automobile/helicopter/speedboat/motorcycle.  The fly-a-scooter and the bicycle were encapsulated and put away by their owners, and the journey resumed.  Bulma mused silently as they drove along that she didn't want to be in a battle, but even she, who was not especially prophetic, had come to the conclusion that all these people she had met today, and all of their actions, were setting up something that had been inevitable since well before her father had ever mentioned the bachelor magazine to her.

****   ****  ****

It had been a very tasty lunch indeed, thought the prince, as he walked down the long first-floor corridor on his way to the Library where he planned to do some research on Humans.  He paused, hearing the sounds of laughter coming from one of the common conference rooms.  Why were they so mirthful?  He would find out.  He needed a good laugh himself, after the session with the Book earlier.  He glanced through the open door, where he saw thirty or so familiar faces sprawled out on couches, transfixed yet howling with glee at the sight of whatever it was that was playing on the large video screen.  Prince Vegeta didn't see what was particularly compelling about two Humans sitting under a large umbrella in the rain, however.

"My precious Venala, how I love you, but your Cruel Guardian will never let us be together," a pale-haired Human revealed, his eyes green pools of anguish.

"Damn," said Cauli, one of the newest Elite Guards, guffawing.  "This is too tragic.  Poor Lady Venala and Diamon, the Lowly Squire are destined to be apart forever."  He picked up some mixed beetle nuts, and tossed them in his mouth.

"Alas, Diamon, your words strike the blows of truth into my fragile heart.  Can we not defy him by running away?  I would be willing to live a life of abject poverty simply to be with you, beloved."

"Impossible.  Lady Ven would die of that "fragile heart" in no more than two months if she tried to live in abject poverty with low-class Diamon.  She has no idea what the real world is all about, the weakling," commented another Guard, Rhubarbaru, prompting snickers from all around the room. 

"My Dearest Lady, if only I could, but I cannot," the blond Man said with a wistful expression.  "You are not meant for the hardships we would experience if I took you away from your life of privilege.  Surely, you must also know that your Cruel Guardian would follow us, never stopping until he had returned you to his cold, vile clutches."

"I knew he was going to duck out," said Lady Arugula from her perch in the corner. 

The Lady on the screen sobbed.  "Oh, Diamon, say it isn't so!  I would wither away if you were to leave me."

"How do Humans survive, if they are this pathetic all the time?" asked young Wheatgrass, guzzling an apple soda.

"I must, my Sweet, my Only.   Perhaps it will be possible for you to stave off your evil Guardian's plans for six months, while I go abroad and attempt to find a way to become fabulously wealthy in as little time as possible.  Then he would let us wed."

"For shame," Lady Lima said in her husky voice, the one that had attracted the prince to her some eight years ago.  "He should simply challenge the Evil Guardian to mortal combat.  Methinks he is afraid to lose."

"Dear, dear Diamon.  I see your mind is set, but please, give me one last kiss before you go.  I will do everything I can to buy you the time to become rich enough for even my greedy Guardian." The black-haired female did something strange with her eyes, blinking them rapidly several times.

There was silence from the crowd, as they all leaned forward to watch.  Prince Vegeta also found himself leaning into the room.  What on Earth was a kiss, that it could cause such anticipation in this audience?

"Darling!" exclaimed Diamon, and caught the fragile Venala in one manly arm, while never letting the coverage of the umbrella falter.  Then he placed his lips on hers.

Ya'na'ayn!  Ya'na'ayn!" chanted the onlookers.  It was a shortened version of a phrase in their native language that meant, in polite terms, "Rip your clothes off and have at it."

What?  The Blue-Haired Woman did that to me in my dream.  So it is not a method of resuscitation after all.  It is some strange Human gesture of affection.  Repulsive.  A kiss, is it?  I will have to remember that, and avoid her if she tries to use it on me.  The prince continued to eye the screen warily.  He'd had no idea there were any warriors who had such an interest in things Human.

The pair on the video screen broke apart, and the scene dimmed to black.   A somber voice was heard as background credits started to roll.  "Will the tragic pairing of Lady Venala and Squire Diamon ever come to fruition, or will Cruel Lord Richando keep them apart forever?  Watch Of Earthly Desires next week to see another piece of this heartbreaking story revealed."

The audience was convulsed with laughter. "That was excellent!" pronounced Lady Lima, as she picked up a raw steak appetizer and bit into it.  "Humans are just so…precious!" she added, earning even more laughter for her wit.

Prince Vegeta decided he'd seen more than enough, and left before anyone saw, sensed, or heard him.  He still had business in the Library.  But, he wondered as he walked, would any of the people of Vegetable find the Blue-Haired Woman to be "precious?"  If she simpered like the Lady Venala, he didn't think he, or anyone else, could stand her for more than five minutes.

**********************************************************************************************

It is a pleasure to speak with you once again, Readers.  Does it not seem that, at last, the Prophesied meeting of Bulma-the-Beautiful and the Prince of the Vegetables is even now at hand?  Yea, it is indeed a certainty that the twain shall meet, and sparks shall fly.  Sniff.  Ah, well, and so must it be.  Good night to all, and may your slumbers be peaceful, and may you not dream of the fruitless pursuit of storied lovelies that you can under no circumstances attain.  Thank you, Timaeus.

***********************************************************************************************

A:/N:  Thanks muchly for any reviews!  ^_^