Disclaimer: *gives Takahashi-san big Yuki eyes* Onegaiiiii? *Takahashi-san runs out of writer-verse screaming* I guess that's a no…
Look the Other Way
PM: I have advice!
Ryuuji: AKA run very quickly in the opposite direction.
PM *pout*: That wasn't what I was going to say, although it did cross my mind…. *innocent grin* ANYHOW, what I was going to say is don't kill the writer because then that means you're not going to get anymore chapters. *nods sagely*
Yami: So we can kill you after the story is over?
PM *ruffles Yami's hair*: Not you. I have many, many stories I need to torture you with. MWAHA!
Ryuuji: And I thought Bakura-kun had it bad….
Ryou: I do… ;-;
PM *rolls eyes*: Come on, it hasn't been that bad…. *long silence* I'm going to ignore that. The first part of the chapter takes place after Ryou gets home from the last chapter, and the rest of the chapter takes place on Monday… so enjoy mina-san! *grin* You finally find out exactly what happened between Seto and Ryou in this chapter… isn't that exciting?
Yami: No.
PM: Shut up… you're just jealous that you don't show up much in this story.
Yami: *falls on his knees and starts bowing to some deity* THANK YOU!
PM *whacks him with a mallet*
^_^ The usual thanks to rayemars-san for her beta-reading, and to the previous readers: fani90 (don't hate Seto… it's not his fault he's a complete meanie *ducks rotten veggies*), Wildwolf (SO sorry I STILL haven't answered your e-mail… *bangs head on desk* I don't know what's wrong with me. And if Seto calls Ryuuji, I might end up doing something crazy and making the story Seto*Ryuuji… *drools*), Neko-chan (Hmm, Neko-chan-chan?), No Name (Don't worry, it's not Emi-chan! You find out who it is, and you have my permission to strangle her AFTER the story is finished!), Pikazoom (:P Yep! I made a sequel just as I promised!), Shenya (you probably don't want to know :P), tuulikki (am I really that cruel to poor Ryou that everyone knows I'm going to do something horrid to him?), dragoneyes (I'm glad you like the Seto POV! I think it needs work… -.-;;), Shikou Yamitsuki (:P Read slower, eh?), Erfaciel (*hides from the sword* Pointy objects scare me…), Sailor Comet (Seto did move fast… *snicker*), Amiasha (*hides from you* Ahhh…), Sushi (Ryou: I DO NOT WHINE! PM: Whatever. Anyhow, Yami no Bakura helps Yuugi because Yuugi HAS to have the Sennen Puzzle in order to maintain the balance of the world and to unlock the pharaoh's memory. So in reality, Yami no Bakura doesn't really try to steal the Sennen Puzzle after the first attempt. He helps protect it), Karadaki (:P OGM?), KeMu (Now if only he can be a doting boyfriend to Ryou, eh?), Aznsilhouette247 (long chapters that take me a week to write… -_-;;), Dani (Ryuuji's a PLAYA! He's sleeping with everyone! *gets killed by all the Ryuuji fans*), Sam Baku (I'll give you the link next time, kay? ~ Too lazy to get it right now), Aishiteru Tenshi (Obvious? *blink*), Dark Eyed (*glomps* Whee! I missed you muchos!), and Yuen (I hope this chapter is okay… ^^;;). Arigatou, minna!
~ Stone ~
My finger jams onto the buzzer, but I can barely hear it over my heavy breathing. I ended up running through the crowds after a while, which probably got a lot of stares but I'm beyond the point of caring. Besides, it's somewhat fun to deviate from the norm, as long as you're not running away from a nightmare that you left behind a long time ago.
"Dare ka? [1]" Otogi-kun's voice crackles over the intercom. And as soon as I hear it, I want to scream bloody murder at him.
There is no way that he couldn't have known… no way. I remember what it was like when the newspapers got wind of what happened between… Seto and I, and if he had gotten married, all of Japan would have known. Why didn't they ever tell me? Don't I have a right to know what is happening?
"Dare?" Otogi-kun's voice sounds very annoyed, which I suppose isn't very surprising. Not everyone is so accepting of Otogi-kun's sexual preferences, and he's gotten from a couple pranksters to some more serious troublemakers who he had to call the police to deal with. I heard about several of these incidents from Yuugi-tachi, some worse than others. It's probably worse for him since he's well-known for his game, but still prefers to live in an apartment complex where he's more likely to deal with… stuff like this, I suppose. He's handling it pretty well, but I don't think my silence is helping.
"It's me," I mumble, barely audible. Cause even if I feel sympathetic towards Otogi-kun, it doesn't mean I'm about to forget the fact that he and the others kept Seto's current state secret from me. Even though I should have suspected it in the first place, but when you're living in a fairytale life, you tend not to notice the things that can happen until they're thrown into your face in a rather ugly manner. And since Otogi-kun is the first one I'm going to see out of the others, he's the one that's going to have to deal with my rotten temper. Which isn't exactly fair, but my temper isn't supporting fair right now.
There's no answer, as if he senses something is going to be coming soon. Instead he quickly buzzes me in. I wrench the door open and walk in, letting it slam behind me with a loud bang and in the process eliciting some more strange looks. For god's sake, what is it with me being a freak show today? Is this just some type of special talent that I have and could very well do without, if I do say so myself?
The trip to Otogi-kun and Honda-kun's apartment is quite long and tortuous, a million questions bubbling away merrily in my mind. Who is the woman? How long? What is she like? Do they love each other?
Ha… now that's a stupid question. Do they love each other? Well, they did get married, didn't they? I suppose that Seto is a lot better than myself in moving along.
Look… I still call him Seto. Not Kaiba-kun. Even though he's the person I was hoping to avoid this entire trip, he is still the person who gets the most familiar name. It seems kind of odd to me, but I can't find myself going back to Kaiba-kun. Not yet, at least.
Who is she though? That's the thought that is at the top of the list. I don't know if it's the actual want of knowing who was my replacement, but I guess I wouldn't mind. She must have been special.
What happens if it was Emi-chan? Ha, that would be a riot, except I know for a fact that it isn't. Emi-chan e-mailed me a while back telling me that she eloped with a young man (his name has slipped my mind, and I'm afraid that I don't have the patience to try and remember what it is right now), and she invited me to the wedding-like event that her father was insisting on having.
She also said that Seto would be coming, which immediately decided it for me. No. I didn't want to see him, not after what happened. I still don't want to see him, and now that I know that he's moved on… argh, I want to strangle him! Not really, of course, but I wouldn't mind some violent fantasies about such an event.
It isn't fair. It just isn't fair. Why am I still moping and he's married and has the sweetest daughter? Yes, I realize that I am obsessing, but I just can't help it.
I just can't believe that this is happening to me.
Before I can go into any more perpetual whining, I find myself staring at the door. My finger must have pushed the buzzer without my knowledge or Otogi-kun really does have psychic powers because he opens the door before I can acknowledge that I'm there.
"Who is she?!"
Oh, wonderful greeting. My voice comes out loud and high-pitched, and Otogi-kun winces at the shrill-ity (?!) or my screech. Or at least I think he's wincing at that.
"She?" his eyebrows furrow as he looks at me as if I've sprouted a bunch of new body parts and that I've lost my mind. Which isn't that far off from the truth, I admit, but he doesn't have to make it look so obvious, does he?!
"She!" I screech again, gesturing impatiently at the KaibaCorp logo that hangs so predominantly over the city, even from here. Great, as if that's really going to explain anything.
Otogi-kun pales as soon as he sees the sign and I immediately know that he knows exactly what I'm talking about. He turns back to me, his green eyes wide, and he clears his throat.
"Uh… would you like some tea, Bakura-kun?"
Before he can back away and escape, I grab his wrist… uncharacteristic to say the least, but I don't want to be avoided on this topic any longer. I don't want to be treated like a stupid little child who doesn't know right from wrong, who doesn't know reality from illusion, who doesn't know exactly what is going on. I'm tired of this, tired of being left in the dark all the time. And he's going to answer my questions if I have to wrench it out of his throat.
Hopefully though, it won't get to that point. I know that I'm really ticked, but I don't know if I'm ticked off enough to actually try and wrench the answer from him as I was threatening to do approximately three seconds ago.
Mentally, of course. If I had said it out loud, Otogi-kun would have either looked appropriately scared by my growing insanity or laughed very loudly at my words. Which wouldn't make me any happier, I can tell you right now.
"Who. Is. She. Otogi-kun," I pause between each word to make sure he understands the emphasis I'm placing on each of them. And hopefully to make him realize that I'm not going to be pushed aside on this matter.
"Mmm…" he pauses, looking at me closely as if he's not sure I'm ready for this. I want to grab him by the shirt and scream at him to stop treating me like a child, even though I think that's what I really am sometimes. A stupid, naïve child who is still trying to realize that the world isn't made out of cotton candy and spun sugar.
It would be nice if it was though.
He fixes me with one of his piercing looks, confidence literally oozing from it, and he places his free hand on my shoulder in a calming gesture. Immediately, my hand drops his, and I sigh as I realize that I've lost again. Lost what I'm not quite sure, but I feel like I've lost… something.
"Why don't we go inside and I'll show you?"
I nod reluctantly, knowing that this is the best I'm going to get.
Although it really isn't that bad.
~ * ~
"Mami. Okajima Mami, although… I suppose that it's Kaiba Mami now."
Otogi-kun passes me the newspaper article and I take it hesitantly, as if unsure I really want to see it in black and white.
Currently we are sitting in the living room. I've discovered that Otogi-kun has a hobby of collecting newspaper articles about all of us. There are some of Yuugi-kun and his M&W title victories, as well as his engagement and marriage to Anzu. There aren't as many of Jyounouchi-kun, but he wasn't as well known as Yuugi-kun, so I guess it really isn't that surprising. But there are a couple small articles floating around in the collection. There's even some on Malik-kun and Isis-san, although none of it involves anything bad. I saw an American book review for one of my books, and there were some articles about the beginning of Seto and my relationship… back before it was even real.
The biggest pile was definitely Seto's, although he's just more well-known then all of us, what with his company and so on and so forth. The article is of his engagement to Mami-san, and it takes all of my will power not to rip it up and burn the pieces over the stove. The only reason why I manage not to do so is because I know that Otogi-kun will be mad at me if I do (also, I couldn't use the stove here even if I wanted to! Otogi-kun happens to be a horrible cook, and Honda-kun has locked all the cooking utensils into cabinets and found some way to keep Otogi-kun from using the gas when he is home alone!).
"This was… a couple months after you left?" I wince but Otogi-kun continues, heedless of my discomfort (although I suppose there really is no reason for him to care about it, since I am making him tell me against his will). "She was one of the first fangirls that came along after the two of you broke up. She wasn't the first that he dated, but it wasn't long until they had gotten together."
He gives me a look, blank and innocent, "Out of all of the girls, I don't know why Kaiba chose her. She always struck me as a bit of a prick, to put it nicely. None of us got along very well with her."
"Why is that?"
"She thought Yuugi and Jyounouchi were childish for still playing Magic and Wizards. She called Mai a slut, Anzu an idealist freak and some other names I shouldn't repeat, and Shizuka a pathetic dolt with less sense than a hummingbird on crack. She says Malik is insane and should be locked away and that Isis should be given a restraining order for her part in Battle City. She liked Yami for a while because she thought he was hot… but then she found out he was having his affair with a card and a stuffed seal and that was the end of that."
"Sounds perfect for Seto…." I mumble softly, immediately regretting the words before they fully escape my evil mouth. Otogi-kun just blinks at me for a moment.
"And she hates Hiroto and I because we're… you know," his voice trails off at that as he sets down the cup of tea he was holding before, "Of course, none of this applies when it comes to a rich billionaire who happens to be very handsome and worth quite a few shopping trips."
"And available," I remind him, wondering if he'll catch the implication of my words.
Probably.
"And available," he repeats before making a face as he glares at me, "Are you implying that we would have been good for each other?"
"Well, you're pretty rich and according to a lot of heart broken girls at our school, very hot."
"Ha," he rolls his eyes and shakes his head, "You wish. If I remember correctly from what Yuugi told me, they couldn't keep their hands off of you when you first came to Domino High."
"That didn't last as long as their infatuation with you," I reply before I suddenly realize something very odd about all of this, "Otogi-kun, if she's as bad as you say, why did Seto marry her?"
"Business reasons, really," Otogi-kun shrugs, "That's what I heard, at least. I think her father was offering quite a bit, and I think that Kaiba was beyond the point of caring. He never really did seem the same after you two split."
"It wasn't my fault," I snap. As if I didn't already know that.
"I didn't say it was," he replies mildly, "Anyhow, they got married and they had Meimi. Kaiba named her, as you probably know already. Meimi was a blessing… Kaiba loved her from the beginning."
"Mmm." I'm not surprised. If I could have had children… adopted, of course… I would have loved to have a daughter like Meimi.
"So it really wasn't that surprising when Kaiba got custody of her when they got a divorce."
"Mmm," I mumble before I suddenly jerk, the words sinking in. I turn towards Otogi-kun, my mouth dry and my eyes probably bugging out, "Na… na… nanjyasoryaaaaaa?! [2]" I'm gaping like a goldfish, I swear I am, but I can't believe what I just heard… they're divorced?!
Maybe there's hope yet… wait, what on earth am I saying?!
"Here," Otogi-kun hands me another article, this time detailing the divorce, "It was what… one, two years after Meimi-chan was born? Cute thing, really… none of us were able to see her until after the divorce though. Mami didn't want us around. And frankly we didn't want to be near her either, which more or less caused another rift between Kaiba and us."
"I can't believe this…." I feel absolutely frozen, staring at the articles as if they're still part of my dream and going to disappear at any moment, "I can't believe any of this."
"I can't believe you found out. It hasn't been in the newspapers, everything has been quiet… what happened, exactly?" Otogi-kun glances over at me, and I look back, fighting down these horrible feelings I had when I saw Seto at the department store.
"I saw her."
"Mami?" His eyebrow twitches, obviously not happy. I shake my head quickly, which seems to placate him.
"Meimi-chan." He looks confused, so I plow ahead, "At the department store. You know the really big one downtown? The old one?"
Not even waiting for him to acknowledge my words, I keep going, sounding like I'm having a nervous breakdown or in hysterics (or are they the same thing?), "I was looking for a gift for some of my friends back in America… and I was in the book section and she was there except she was lost and I never suspected that she was… was his! She was lost so I took her to the front desk and Seto… he was there."
"Ah. He doesn't go out that often though."
"Yeah. Lucky me."
"Lucky you," Otogi-kun smirks, and I want to wipe that smirk off his face.
"I think I'll go to my room now. Thank you for answering my question."
I get up and walk to the guest room, quietly shutting the door and letting all the newfound information cause its usual chaos in my mind.
Searching for an answer to a question that was never there.
~ * ~ Monday
I was supposed to meet up with Jyounouchi-kun and Mai-san in order to meet their son, but he ended up at a friend's house while I was trapped with Jyounouchi-kun. Not to say I'm blaming Takuya-kun, as I'm sure any hyperactive child (as I'm sure Jyounouchi Takuya is) would be very quickly bored with the conversations of three adults who haven't seen each other in quite a while (and remember one of those adults had to be dragged here by a certain other person). But still, I would rather be stuck with Otogi-kun, who pesters me in a more subtle manner, than Jyounouchi-kun, who pesters me more obviously and probably takes great delight in doing so.
"Bakura! Over here!"
I momentarily debate ignoring him. Yeah, that wouldn't look obvious… I'm approximately two feet away from him and every patron of this restaurant is staring at me as if I'm growing new heads. In fact, I probably could be growing more heads and they wouldn't be staring at me as much as they are right now!
My cheeks flaring, I hold my head as high as I can without looking like a complete prat (which means I can't lift it that high… in fact, I don't even understand the point of that action… as I walk as slowly as I can towards where Jyounouchi-kun and Mai-san are seated. Maybe if I walk slow enough, an earthquake will drop me back to American and I won't have to worry about all this.
Unfortunately, considering my rotten luck, what will happen is that I will reach them and then that before-mentioned earthquake will occur, dropping all three of us to the other side of the world where I will be stuck with Jyounouchi-kun and Mai-san for a decidedly sadistic amount of time (like for the rest of eternity).
As predicted, I reach the two without any problems like natural calamities. Quickly plastering a smile on my face (fine, I admit it… I'm still a bit mad at Jyounouchi-kun for pressuring me to come back, especially now that I've found out what Seto has been up to…), I greet them, "Konnichi wa, Jyounouchi-kun, Mai-san!"
Much to my surprise, instead of replying, both just stare at me. I blink, uncomprehending of what they are staring at… oh dear, is there something wrong with me again?!
I open my mouth to ask them exactly what's wrong this time when a hand rests on my shoulder and my mouth freezes, slightly open in mid-word. A feeling of ice and fire run down my spine as I quickly spin around to stare at the intruder, unsure of what to expect but praying that it is anybody but….
Oh Kami-sama.
This cannot be happening to me.
"Ka… Kaiba," Jyounouchi-kun breaks the scene as he glares at Seto, "What are you doing here?! Don't you have anything better than to bother us?"
Seto fails to rise to the bait, just looking carefully at Jyounouchi-kun, who is an angry shade of red and seething, and Mai-san, who is calmly drinking a glass of water. Instead, he pulls the chair out for me, gently taking my hand and sitting me down as my stomach continues to do a variety of gymnastics tricks that would have earned a 10 in the Olympics.
Jyounouchi-kun looks ready to explode.
Then, without comment, he pulls a chair from a nearby table and seats it next to me, sitting down and looking as if he isn't doing anything odd which would deserve the gaping stares that he's getting from… me, at least. Jyounouchi-kun just looks plain mad, Mai-san looks unfrazzled by the newcomer, and me…
I don't understand any of this.
For the second time in less than a week, I want to scream. I want to grab him by the shirt collar and demand to know what he is doing to me, if he's taking some type of sadistic pleasure from all of this. Why me, why now?! Why does he continue this charade after he ended it so long ago?!
He's not even acknowledging my presence right now, bringing a familiar feeling of depression that I certainly do not miss. He calls the waiter over with a confident wave of the hand and places his order. I just keep staring at him as he goes through the familiar actions.
How many times have I seen him do this? How many times have I seen him so cocky and confident as he goes about his business, the embodiment of traits that I do not and most likely will never possess?
How does he do this to me?
"Ryou?"
I can't help but flinch as I force myself to focus on his blue eyes. They haven't changed… they still have that icy covering, but if you look close you can see so many emotions within. They're jumbled and confused right now, but they're still there.
"Nani [3]?" I ask softly, barely audible. But he's used to it… whenever I get nervous, I always end up talking very softly. He knows me well enough to know that already, and I'm almost surprised to see that he still remembers it and is trained to hear me no matter what volume I speak at.
It's almost heart-warming, but then I remember waking up that morning and all the fuzzy feelings disappear as if they were drops of water evaporated by the uncaring, blistering hot sun.
"What do you want to eat?"
Anything that would stop this confusion.
Everyone is watching me expectantly: Jyounouchi-kun, Mai-san, the waiter… even some of the patrons! And of course, those blue eyes… just watching.
Right now the ice is hiding the emotions. I don't know what he's feeling. I thought I had learned to read him no matter what mood he was in… I guess I was wrong, and it's not a very pleasant feeling.
The words that escape my mouth are definitely not the ones I want to say or the ones I want heard by anybody on this planet except myself and a teddy bear that Seto won for me named Dakishime [4].
"You know what I want."
There's a long silence as once again, everybody starts staring at me. My cheeks are as bright as a stop light, and I want to run out of the restaurant before I can embarrass myself again. Now I wouldn't mind if the earth swallowed me up, even if Jyounouchi-kun and Mai-san come with me!
Anything to get out of this.
Anything to get away from him.
He turns away and gives my order to the waiter, asking for some of my favorites. I want to cry, I really do. I still don't understand how any of this ended up happening, or why it happened.
The only person who is capable of giving me an answer is the person I ran away from over eight years ago. The person I loved and who I still love but really shouldn't.
I don't think I'm a romantic… not to that extreme level which one reads about in romance novels and fairytales. And deep down inside, part of me knows that to expect our relationship to last for the rest of our lives was a childish dream which wasn't likely to come true.
But at the same time, what about everybody else? How is it that they've succeeded in staying with the people they love? Am I really that cursed, where I fail in the one thing I really wanted, really needed? Did I need it? I always felt like I did, but isn't that what all people think when they're madly in love with someone?
Seto is finished ordering and he turns back to me. I honestly don't know what to say, so I don't say anything. Jyounouchi-kun is growling, and Mai-san still hasn't put down her glass of water.
Somebody hates me. Somebody really, really, really hates me. I don't care what they say; there is simply no other explanation for it! Somebody hates me!
"I'd rather face my own faults then be under someone else's thumb."
Seto's words ring through my head, a memory from that night we made out in front of the auction house and completely horrified his poor driver (speaking of him, I never did see him again…).
I wonder though… does he consider our break-up his own mistake, or does he blame somebody else? Me, perhaps? Did I cause it somehow through some stupid mistake? I seem to make a lot of those.
Suddenly, astonishingly, he places his hand on mine, stilling it from when it used to be shaking nervously. I look up at him, shocked, as he leans closer.
"Can you meet me at the bridge later?"
There's no question about where he means… the bridge he speaks of is the bridge in Domino Park, a lovely piece of land. There's a small man-made river cutting through it at the halfway mark, and several bridges crossing it. The bridge he is referring to is, of course, the one we accidentally 'discovered' when Jyounouchi-kun pushed the two of us in the river. Accidentally, so he claims, although it didn't stop us from chasing him up a tree later. Anyhow, we ended up coming out on the wrong side, and rather than wading through the river again, we decided to search for the nearest bridge.
The bridge we found was barely visible, hidden away behind a conveniently located batch of trees. It was sturdy but looked relatively unused, definitely a surprise. Many a wonderful night had been spent there, watching the moon through the gap between the trees. The moonlight reflection on the river never seemed to waver… it just floated there, a perfect circle.
I find myself nodding.
No more words were shared between us for the rest of the meal. Which seemed to consist mainly of Mai-san scolding Jyounouchi-kun for making threatening noises at Seto, who proceeded to ignore all of them as I watched quietly, an observer rarely acknowledged but always there. Watching… just watching.
~ * ~
The bridge is still there, and it looks relatively unscathed. Which is more than what I can say about some of the other areas. It's sad to see something that has so much meaning to you destroyed by graffiti or something similar to that, an event that happened many times in America. Vandalism like that isn't as common in Japan, but that doesn't mean it's not there.
Several of the bridges I passed were no longer as pristine as they once were. Some weren't even in there, torn down. There were even some new ones, that just looked so new and… uninspiring, with no happy memories to make them worth giving more than a cursory glance.
It's probably the trees that saved this bridge, I realize. They seem to be even more wild than before, but it's a nice type of wild. Not dangerous and not exactly exotic, but… mysterious, I suppose. A comforting, inviting mystery that promises a pleasant surprise at the end, rather than a death or robbery.
There should be more things like that in life, but we can't get everything we want. In fact, we rarely get what we want, and I find it rather annoying….
"You came."
Seto sounds pleased as I whirl around to look at him. He's leaning against the side of the bridge, staring into the water where the moon used to be. I wonder if we will be able to see it despite the density of the foliage above us. I wonder if I would even want to see it, what with all the memories surrounding this place.
But then why did I come now?
"You didn't expect me to?"
I don't know why he always tells me that, but even though the answer never changes and I never give him reason to acknowledge that fact, he still says it. It's some type of ritual, I suppose, but even though I'm a part of it I still don't understand it. And sometimes I think that I never will.
He doesn't reply to that, and I stay where I am at the base of the bridge, not brave enough to move closer to him. He's standing in the middle, where we used to stand to watch the moon.
How does he manage to stand there so casually? As if nothing bothers him, as if he is oblivious to what is going on around him?
"I wanted to say sorry."
The words are sudden and take me by surprise, and I blink at him. He still isn't looking at me, peering at the river, but his mouth keeps going and I can't help but listen.
"I shouldn't have done that to you… but I didn't want to face you when I told you."
Silence.
I remember that morning in perfect detail. And it wasn't just any random morning that I remember because of what happened when I woke up, but it was also the day that we were going to graduate. Seto was, of course, a top student, but I wasn't that shabby either. We had celebrated with the others the night before, and rather than going home and sleeping off the excitement, we had proceeded to return to our apartment… we shared one at the time… and have our own celebration.
He never gave any indication that something was going to happen. Never. I didn't even suspect anything until it happened, when I woke up in bed alone.
There was a note on the pillow, telling me that he was sorry but it was over. That was it, really. That's what happened. I woke up and discovered that my koi's graduation gift to me was a break-up letter.
I couldn't face him after that. Maybe if there had been some warning signs, it would have been better. Maybe if he had the dignity to tell me face to face, it would have been better. Maybe if it had been anything but that, it would have been better. I honestly don't know because it's already happened and now here we are, facing each other after what had to be the cleanest break-up in the history of mankind.
Kinda.
"It took you over eight years to say sorry?" the words nearly cause me to choke as they escape my lips. They seem uncharacteristic but that's what I feel like.
It's just that… one moment we were together and the next we weren't. And the change came so suddenly and so randomly that I was unprepared to cope with it mentally and emotionally. And it appears that I still am unable to cope with it, even though I've had so much time to think about it.
But maybe it's because I never understood why it happened. I still don't. I don't think I ever will unless he tells me, and I don't have the courage to ask him to explain himself. I could have, back then, but not anymore. My nerves feel shot and I feel like I'm going to collapse any moment.
He still hasn't answered, and I don't know if he's going to.
I wish I was a stone. I know that sounds random but it's what I want to be right now. Stones don't feel. Stones can't get hurt. Stones don't cry.
I want to cry right now.
Perhaps he sensed it because he suddenly looks over at me, blue eyes filled with concern and… pity. Pity? Pity because stupid, incompetent little Bakura Ryou still can't deal with this after eight years? Kami-sama, can I get anymore pathetic?
No. No, I don't want an answer from that. Not even from Yami Bakura, who I'm sure has a smart answer to all my thoughts but is decent enough not to voice them.
Want me to take over right now? he suggests hopefully. If I agree, he's probably going to punch Seto and I'll get arrested for assault. No thank you, although I have to admit that the thought is very tempting.
Certainly though, I know that he isn't asking because he wants to help me. I have a feeling he wants to do it because it'll be a source of entertainment for him. I don't know what he does in his kokoro no heya [5], but it probably gets pretty boring, especially for somebody as psychotic as him.
No.
Don't you think you can stand up for yourself just once, yadonushi [6]? If you don't want to deal with this, just go. Nobody's making you stay.
It is an admittedly rare event that I decide to follow Yami Bakura's advice, especially since most of them are ill-willed, but I agree with him this time. I don't want to deal with this. I really don't think I can right now. Not now, so soon after I discovered that Seto has already gone on with his life while I'm clinging desperately to pieces which no longer fit together.
"I have to go now, Kaiba-kun."
The impersonal words slip out, and I can see that they hurt him just as much as they hurt me. I don't know if I meant for it to come out that way, but there's no changing it right now.
I don't know if I want to anyway.
"Ryou…" Just by saying my name he seems to put some ancient spell on me, entrancing me and trapping me to his will and every whim. I don't know if I can escape.
I don't have any other way of telling you this except to say that it's over. I'm sorry and I didn't want it to be this way….
The words keep ringing in my ears. How many times did I read that letter that morning? How many times did I stare at the letter, hoping that it was just some sick joke and any moment you were going to walk in with a smile on your lips before you embraced me?
Don't you know how much you hurt me? Don't you know how much you hurt me now? I thought you knew me better than that. I thought I knew you better than that.
Perhaps we were both wrong.
"I have to go," I repeat, and before he can say anything else that might change my mind, I turn and flee.
It took me a month to stop hoping that he was going to show up at my doorstep. A month. For days and weeks I thought that maybe it was just a mistake, but nothing ever happened. He never called, never e-mailed, never made his presence known. It was as if he had dropped off the face of the planet, or perhaps I had dropped off his. I was no longer a part of his world. I was an unwelcome intruder who had finally overstayed the appropriate amount of time.
Sometimes, in fits of insanity I am sure, I still believe that something might happen. But now that something is happening, although I do not understand what it is, I can't deal with it. It scares me so much to know what he has to say to me because… I still can't face him.
I can't stop dreaming. Has he?
That character in the American novel never stopped believing that perhaps that day was coming. Not once… he kept thinking that maybe, just maybe… it was going to happen. That soon he was going to be able to stop fantasizing because his daydreams were reality rather than baseless chimeras.
"[He] believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter-tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms further… And one fine morning—" [7]
Perhaps one day we will be able to touch the stars, but for now it continues to be an impossible dream.
Translations and Notes:
[1] Who is it? (Note: It would be pronounced with two syllables… not like the English word 'dare', but 'da-re'.
[2] What the hell?!
[3] What?
[4] The name comes from the Japanese word for 'cuddle', dakishimeru.
[5] Kokoro is heart or spirit, no is a possessive particle, and heya is room. Basically the soul room.
[6] King's property; what Yami no Bakura calls Ryou
[7] Quoted from The Great Gatsby
PM *ducks rotten vegetables*: AHH! *ducks behind Seto and uses him as a shield*
Seto: What the… *gets pelted by rotten vegetables*
Ryuuji: So that's what happened between the two of you… no wonder Ryou is such a freak now.
Ryou *frothing at mouth…*
PM: I really want to look at that tranquilizer dart. Are you sure you didn't accidentally give him rabies or something?
Ryuuji: You want to try it?
PM *GLARE*: Anyhow… I hope you liked that chapter. You finally found out what happens, at least! Bleh, that last part was a bit of an info dump, wasn't it? Hope it wasn't too much… and I hope I'm not scaring all of you too badly… *grins* In reference to the fear that the wife was Emi-chan… I would never do something as evil as that! Really!
Yami: Liar.
PM: Urusei!
Pikachumaniac
