Disclaimer: *sits down and sulks* I don't wanna write these disclaimers anymore… *starts running away from lawyers and Takahashi-san*

Look the Other Way

PM: Hi, minna, and welcome to chapter 8 (finally!) This chapter takes place on Friday throughout the entire day, and is narrated completely from Ryou's POV. *grins* Although I have to tell you… I can't help but be really amused by how many people thought that Mami was tape-recording the part where BakaKaiba admitted that their relationship was his fault in the last chapter…

Mami *cackles evilly as she takes out a tape player*: MWAHA!

PM: O_o Um… Mami-chan… you need to put that back.

Mami: *puppy eyes* Noooo… onegai, PM-sama?

PM: O_O!! *backs away slowly* Tasukete kudasai? Tasukete? Minna-san? Onegai? *backs into a wall… shakes fist at Mami* I created you! I could unmake you! So stay back! BACK!

*more evil cackling from Mami*

PM *whimper*: HELP!

Vote Results: Kaiba Meimi leads with twenty-eight, and Seppen-chan in second place with eleven votes. Okajima Mami got one vote as well. :) Of the oldies (Emi: We're not that old…), Yuki and Emi-chan both tied at seven votes and the poor, abused driver got one vote. *waves* Arigatou, minna, for participating!

Many thanks to Crystalline Maxwell for beta-reading for me. :) Sorry I drove you crazy with the eyecolors thing… Anyhow, on to the killer paragraph! ^o^ Thanks to Wildwolf-chan (Yessss, you are allowed to hate her… but I've grown fond of her myself…), Lena (*hugs* Thanks for your comments on Mami… your explanation more or less sums up my own feelings exactly. I dislike her yet I can't help but adore her… O_o It's so weird), Genkisaru (^^;; Sorry… I don't really want to kill anybody off in this story), yukoma (:P Thanks for your idea… but it'll probably have to wait until after I'm done with LTOW), fani90 (^_^ Happy belated birthday! *YGO group HUG*), No Name (*watches you jab Mami with a pitchfork* That has to hurt…), Yami Bakura (If I tell you, it won't be a surprise anymore… Ho ho ho! *gets knocked out*), Shenya (^.^ Thanks for the comment on the OCs!), Mayhem's BrainChylde (Their own universe, eh? Hee, the things that can be spawned from a simple idea… torturing Ryou), Angel-Belle (^_^ Romantic… really? I thought the story was more whiny myself… I was worried about there not being enough romance, so thanks for commenting on that), loanshark (Ominous… hee… *grins impishly*), Shamanic Guardian Lena (^.^ Well, you must be glad to know that Meimi-chan did indeed win! But we love them all, rightttt?), Crystalline Maxwell (Mahaado: I AM NOT JEALOUS OF THAT FURBALL!), Tuulikki (*shivers* I can only write Ryou POV these days… I'm really quite surprised I managed to pull off Seto's POV), Fate (Meimi: Thanks!), Alana (^_~ Hee! Your patronage is much appreciated! ^o^), Seto's Chic (^_^ I'm glad you like the Seto POV), Teb Teb (Honda/Otogi fluff? Hee, how about as soon as I finish this story, I will write a story focused specifically on that? Just in case you don't get enough of it from this story), Neko-chan (I was wondering why Mahaado-san wanted the shredder), Shade Azuna (Black Magician: *SMIRK*), Beverly (If they got together too quickly… I wouldn't get as many reviews. *ducks rotten vegetables* KIDDING! KIDDING!), cheesepuff (For some reason, 'Ryou, you stubborn bum' kinda rhymes. O_o), Screwy Seven Number Four (*blinkies* Eep.), Blondie the Black Sheep (Ryou: It's all his fault! *bawls* Seto: I already apologized though…), Dani (Ryou: He still loves me. What good has that done me?! PM *faint*), stephanie (I do too… need to work on different stories. ^o^), Erfaciel (Ryou: *thinks* If we get together, I want to be seme. Seto: NO.), MarmaladeGirl (Ryou has many different colored eyes. He has brown eyes in second season, green eyes in first season, and blue eyes (I think) in the manga. Since this is based on the manga, he has blue eyes), Ashuri chan (Just one problem… Mami: GUESS AGAIN! PM: O_O!!!), Ninetails (Sorry about the mix-up… ^^;; And I'm a god? ^o^ Heehee… feel the wrath of PM-SAMA! MWAHA! *gets knocked out by an UFS (Unidentified Flying Shoe)*), Steph-hime (^_^ Well, just to warn you… I plan on writing more Seto POV later on in the story), introspective-mortal (Yuki: ^_^), Dreaming Dragon (Hey, hey, hey! Anzu is pretty cool… just not in the dub. *sigh*), Ayrrie (Emi, Meimi, Yuki: ^_^!), TidBits (^_^ Well, I hope you're glad to know that there will be more Seto POV chapters…), Sam Baku (Actually, I'm just trying to brainwash the world… but if I could kill through fanfiction…), Ishizu Sango Halliwell (^.^ Sorry about me being so erratic when it comes to updating… but it really does just depend on when I have time), Shikou Yamitsuki (^_^ Dynamic? Wow, thanks!), Dragon Wings (O_o *watches as the printer prints a picture of Yami hugging Yuki on Black Magician's face* ^_^ Tis okay about the stalking thing… I'll remember you anyway! And thanks for the comment on the dialogue… makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. ^_^), KittyKatu (Hee… hope this is soon enough), and *i n c o h e r e n t* (*HUG* I missed you! I was kinda worried too… :p). Thanks, minna!!

~ Birthday Candles ~

Once upon a time, I made the mistake of asking Otogi-kun what I should get as a birthday gift for the 'man who has everything'. Or at least enough money to buy anything he wants except for a small country (or a large one, for that matter).

"Why don't you just wear your birthday suit before wrapping yourself in ribbons and waiting for him to get home?"

My second mistake was mentioning this to Emi-chan in a fit of rage.

"You might need to provide a bucket for his nosebleed."

My third mistake was mentioning this to Yami-kun. And just when I thought I was going to get a reasonable answer from him (or at the very least some form of sympathy), he asked with the most serious face possible:

"I have a pair of handcuffs… do you want to borrow them?"

I don't quite know why I remember this so randomly, but I suppose it has something to do with the fact that now I need to get Meimi-chan something for her birthday. And I have no idea what to get. Plus I have only about… how many hours? Four hours to get her something? Now, it might just be me or couldn't Seto have asked me about the birthday party sooner? Not that I'm grateful to him asking me… I definitely don't mind seeing Meimi-chan again… but it's just that…

I still love you, Ryou.

Why? Why did he have to say that? WHY?! My thoughts are sounding hysterical but I don't care anymore… all I can do is sit here and scream to myself. Scream the same word over and over and over again. Why?!

It was so much easier to lie to myself when he never said it out loud. Easy to tell myself that it was all just… just some disillusionment on my part. Why would he still love me anyway? It seemed impossible. It seemed… seemed wrong. Funny how something that once felt so right could feel so wrong now, but that's what happened. It felt wrong.

And now he's saying it again. And I can only stand here wondering why he had to say it.

Why?

My thoughts are interrupted when Honda-kun puts his hand on my shoulder.

"Are you sure you don't want to come with us, Bakura-kun?" Otogi-kun frowns as he looks at me as if I've caught a deadly sickness and it's starting to muddle my brain. Of course, considering how much I was hallucinating yesterday when I apparently heard Seto say 'I still love you', he might not be that far off. For all I know, the disease might be gobbling what's left of my brain… which probably wasn't much, now that I think of it.

"I'm sure," I smile, trying to look reassuring. "I need to buy a gift for Meimi-chan, after all."

"We could pick you up."

"I don't know where I'll be going."

"You could call."

"I'll take a taxi."

"Are you avoiding us?"

There is a silence before I look at him in the eye. Then, with a calmness that surprises even me, I reply quietly, "You of all people should know the answer to that, Otogi-kun."

Before he can say anything, I walk out of the apartment.

It's not that I'm angry at anyone, really. At least, I don't think I am. Well, I don't know if I am anymore… I know there really isn't anything to be angry about. But there's feeling of disappointment that I can't really get rid of.

It's just that… it seems like everyone is hiding something from me. As if they don't think I'm old enough to make decisions on my own without needing to be guided like a lost child. And maybe I am lost, but even if I am… it's something that I need to figure out on my own. I can't have Otogi-kun or Jyounouchi-kun or anybody running my life for me anymore. I need to do this on my own. But every time I try, it's as if somebody needs to take my hand.

Perhaps that is why I moved to America. Not only to get away from Seto, but to get away from everything. I wanted to live on my own. I wanted to do things on my own. And it's hard for them to understand and even for me to understand.

Yami Bakura says that I'm the type of person who needs to be taken care of. But I can't always be taken care of, can I? I have to look out for myself someday, don't I?

It might sound strange, but Yami Bakura is one of the few people who actually lets me do that. He doesn't interfere with what I do. If he sees that I'm about to do something wrong, he doesn't suddenly tell me unless I'm risking my life. And even then, he'll let me suffer the consequences of my own actions long enough for me to figure out what I did wrong.

Everyone is hiding things from me on this trip. I don't know why they're doing it… I don't know what they think any of this will accomplish. All I know is that I'm feeling extremely frustrated and that I really wish I had never come on this vacation. I admit that things weren't going along very easily before this, but things certainly aren't getting any better. Jyounouchi-kun may think that he has done me a favor by asking me to come, but I have never felt so annoyed and humiliated in my life.

With the exception of that week when Seto asked me to be his boyfriend though.

I bite my lip as I walk down the stairs, trying to clear my head.

That was different though. That was all different. It isn't the same as this… it's not even comparable. I don't even know why I'm thinking about it… the two have nothing to do with each other.

Sighing as I breath out, I reach ground level and take in a breath of fresh air. Today is a new day, right? Today… I should at least try to be happy. Banish these unpleasant thoughts! Carpe Diem! Live a little!

There's a little voice in my head, and right now it's laughing at me. And frankly, I don't know whether I should find some way to knock it senseless or start laughing along with it.

~ * ~

The taxi driver thinks I'm crazy. I can see it in his eyes, and I'm not being paranoid. He really, really, really thinks I'm insane. I can just see his fingers itching for his cell phone, ready to call the mental institute. I can see him thinking about telling the story of the psychotic white-haired man he met to his family over the dinner table. I can see him fantasizing about his name in headlights when he tells the newspapers of how he met that crazy man who went to the Kaiba mansion and shot Kaiba Seto. Ohoho, I can see those little gears in his head turning, and it makes me feel so… so…

Stupid, pathetic, and helpless. Take your pick on which of the above.

"Are you sure you want to go to the Kaiba Mansion?" he asks for what has to be the hundredth time as we pull up to the entrance. There are approximately thirty guards waiting there, all watching the parked taxi suspiciously. And I thought I was paranoid… although I suppose that Seto has many more enemies than I do, so he needs to be paranoid.

"Yes," I repeat slowly, to reiterate the point that I'm not making this up and wasting his time and my money.

He sighs as I clamber out, pausing only to pay him before getting out of the car. But he doesn't drive away… instead, he pulls up very slowly and then stops to watch me get thrown out. Wouldn't that just be my luck?

"Um… ohayou?" I smile nervously at the guards, who are watching me with absolutely no expression in their eyes. The taxi driver's story is just growing longer… "—and when he tried to get into the house, they picked him up by the collar and threw him as far as they could! The poor guy… he really did seem alright until I heard the words 'Kaiba mansion' fall out of his mouth. Then I knew for sure that he was just insane."

"I'm here for Meimi-chan's birthday?" I venture.

Still no reaction.

And I am starting to feel really, really stupid. I can't help but wonder if this is just some sadistic game being played by Seto and the others… and I can't help but realize that if I'm starting to think that, then something is terribly, terribly wrong.

"—no, forget just insane… this man was a raving lunatic! And then, right in front of my eyes… the hospital came to pick him up! They wrapped him in a straitjacket and hauled him off to the loony bin before you could say 'I just knew he had problems!'"

"Oy! Bakura-kun!" Yuugi-kun's voice distracts me from my attempt at having a nervous breakdown, and I turn to see both him and Anzu standing behind me. Yuugi-kun is holding a large, rather bulky gift covered in wrapping paper that is dotted with little seals. Speaking of which, my own gift's wrapping paper is speckled with little pictures of Ruby the hedgehog from Saint Tail. The gift itself is a Saint Tail wallscroll, due to my inability to figure out what to buy. I went to the department store and searched everywhere and saw just about everything from Hello Kitty rubix cubes to talking stuffed animals.

And to think that I used to be satisfied with a sock monkey.

"Ohayou, Yuugi-kun, Anzu," I grin in relief. The guards are no longer looking so emotionless and the taxi driver is looking slightly disappointed, as if he realizes that his great story has just fizzled.

The other thing I got for Meimi-chan was a good luck charm. Good luck charms aren't that difficult to find… you can go to just about any temple out there and buy one. Kyoto is a good example of this; there are many tempers there and all of them sell these charms. There was a small temple that I passed by where I got this charm. It is, ironically, a charm for good luck in love.

Makes me think that I should keep it for myself.

I'll have you know that I did not choose that charm because it was for love. Why would I do that?! I actually chose the charm because it was rather pretty. It's pink and gold and it simply looked very nice. Love had absolutely nothing to do with it.

Raise your hand if you think I'm lying.

"What are you doing outside, Bakura-kun?" Anzu asks as the gates open and we walk in. I can hear the taxi pulling away reluctantly in the background, before focusing on the question she just asked me.

"Oh… um… just admiring the view," I lie quite pathetically.

The Kaiba Mansion has not changed much over the past years, from what I see. It seems to me that just about nothing has changed over these years, except the city's structure. But that might just be me.

Looking at it from the outside, you don't really get the sense that there's a birthday party going on inside. I can only wonder what is happening inside. Seto's birthday is on October 25 [1] so we usually celebrated it at his apartment in Tokyo, but Mokuba's birthday is in July and thus summer break. Since I always returned to Domino during the summers of our university years, I was always able to go to the Kaiba Mansion in order to celebrate Mokuba's birthday. And from those, I know that the inside of the mansion is going to be filled with decorations for Meimi-chan.

I remember one of my own birthdays which I celebrated with Seto. It had only been the two of us, although that afternoon we had gotten together with Yuugi-tachi. However, the night was just about the two of us, and he had actually cooked dinner. Unlike both Otogi-kun and Honda-kun, Seto is a very good chef. He rarely cooks on his own though, so it really was a special occasion and I felt very… grateful, I guess.

Instead of getting a cake, he had made a creampuff. It was a large creampuff, enough for two people, and he had stuck a candle in it.

"You need to make a wish."

"I know."

I closed my eyes and blew out that candle. And I made the same wish that I made every year… that we would all be happy for the rest of our lives.

I always knew there was a possibility that the two of us would break up. At times, it seemed too good to be true. But my wish wasn't that we would always stay together… it was that we would be happy no matter what we did.

Looking back, I have a feeling that my wishes didn't work out too well. I haven't been as happy as I was for the past eight years, and I don't know if Seto was happy either. I always hoped he was, though. I loved him enough to hope that he would be happy with his decision.

I still love him… I know that.

I just don't know what to do about it.

Now, however, is not the time to think about it because before I know what is happening, the door is flung open and an eager Meimi-chan is looking up at us. Her brown hair is held into a ponytail by a pink ribbon, and her blue eyes are wide with excitement.

"Yuugi-san! Anzu-san! Ryou-san!" she smiles as she gives us each a hug. I'm the last person to receive a hug but when she lets go, she does so only to take my hand which causes me to smile warmly at her.

"Happy birthday, Meimi-chan," Anzu greets for us as Meimi-chan leads us into the mansion, still holding onto my hand. The interior of the mansion is lavishly decorated, and we can hear many voices coming from the living room. Many of those voices I don't recognize, but that is understandable since I'm sure Meimi-chan has many other friends.

"Arigatou!" Meimi-chan grins as we walk into the room. There, I can see everyone else as well as several hyperactive kids who I will safely assume are her friends.

"Is that everyone, Meimi?" a new voice asks briskly as an unfamiliar woman walks up to us.

"Hai, kaasama!" Meimi-chan chirps brightly.

She's… pretty, I suppose… although I personally prefer Emi-chan. Emi-chan has a soft and gentle figure that contradicts her manner, while Mami-san is bold… almost like Mai-san but darker than her. Her brown hair is cut short and her greenish-brown eyes are hard. She's quite tall and the way she carries herself seems to show a no-nonsense type of person who always wants to get her way. Currently, her expression is completely emotionless as she stares at me, silently taking in every single one of my flaws and imperfections.

It seems so silent right now. The kids are still talking loudly but it seems as if their voices have been put on mute. None of the grownups say anything either. Both Yuugi-kun and Anzu are silent at my side, looking at a far-off speck on the immaculate wall, while Otogi-kun and Honda-kun are watching us intently. Jyounouchi-kun and Mai-san have decided to busy themselves with taking care of Takuya-kun, and Emi-chan and Kou-san are whispering to each other soft enough so that I can't hear.

Mami-san's expression is completely unreadable. She doesn't look annoyed or angry or confused or even disgusted. She just stares at me, something flickering in her eyes. I don't know what that something is, but it's hard not to flinch when she suddenly turns away to kneel down before Meimi-chan.

"Why don't we play a game, Meimi?" she announces loudly, never once looking in my direction as she shoos Meimi-chan over to where the other kids are waiting. "Your father will be down soon."

She straightens, casting me another look that is half contemptuous and half bitter. Bitter about what, I cannot know… but she walks away and I'm finally released from my frozen position.

"Daijoubu ka, Bakura-kun?" Anzu asks as soon as Mami-san is out of hearing range.

It takes me a moment to acknowledge her presence, but as soon as I do I try to smile reassuringly as we walk over to the table that is heaped in gifts, "Daijoubu."

Anzu looks quite unconvinced but I'm not quite in the mood to argue with her. So I excuse myself to go sit next to Jyounouchi-kun, who looks as if he is waiting for me expectantly.

"Well… that went as well as could have been expected."

"Which wasn't very well," I mumble back softly before watching the others quietly. Then, before I can control myself, "Do you guys get together for her birthday every year?"

"Since the divorce," Jyounouchi-kun replies casually. "Seems kinda weird, considering how Kaiba claims to hate us all. But you know him… all bark and no bite. And he calls me a dog."

"That's because you are a dog," Seto replies suddenly. I can't help but yelp as we both turn to look at him. Jyounouchi-kun looks not the least perturbed by Seto's sudden presence while I'm sweating bullets. I can feel somebody's eyes baring a hole into the back of my head and just subconsciously know that it has to be Mami-san. "Hello, Ryou."

"Hi," I mumble softly. Behind Seto, I can see Mokuba and Aoko-chan.

It's not that I'm playing hard to get… I'm really not. I'm just… I'm just so confused right now and I don't know what to do. I'm not sure how to handle all of this, and I'm not ready to commit myself to something that I left behind so long ago.

Heh, who am I kidding? Did I ever leave any of this behind? I've been stuck in the past as if it was molasses, and I still haven't been able to extract myself from it. But now that somebody is offering me a way out of it… I just can't seem to take his hand because I'm scared of what is waiting for me. And I'm scared of being stuck in this mess again. I'm so scared that I can't get out of it in the first place.

It all sounds so terribly confusing. I know what's happening… I know what I'm thinking. But I just can't do anything about it. And this really frustrates me.

I still love you, Ryou.

Why do those words keep playing in my head? I've heard them enough times to make me want to scream in frustration. Over and over again… they just keep repeating themselves.

I do feel rather guilty about that. But I honestly did not know how to react to it. So I chose to pretend that it was all some big hallucination and I hung up the phone.

Just how much longer am I going to keep lying to myself?

Before I can say anything… before I can stop him… Seto leans down and gives me a kiss on my cheek. I flinch ever so slightly, but he still notices and draws back. There's this sadness in his eyes, and I hate myself for causing it. But I couldn't really do anything about it….

"Seto…" my mouth is dry as I try to search for the right words, "… not here. Not now."

"Then when?"

Never. That's what I should say. That's what I want to just scream out right now. But that isn't what I feel… and he probably knows that.

"I don't know." The words sound so defeated. "I really don't know. But just… not here. Please? Not right now."

He hesitates ever so slightly before finally nodding. And the weight on my shoulder, rather than dropping off, seems only to increase until I'm pressed to the floor, gasping desperately for the air I want but cannot get because of my own follies.

~ * ~

Mami-san is more or less in control of the kids, so we grown-ups basically have time to ourselves. And despite my attempts to get out of it, I find myself sitting next to Seto on the couch. Everyone else is, conspicuously enough, ignoring us.

I have a feeling that there is some conspiracy going on….

"So… how was America?"

"Very environmentally unfriendly," are the first words out of my mouth. He just blinks at me as I slap myself mentally, trying to figure out why I said that. Even though it's true. Those gas-guzzler cars are really quite problematic… I mean, I can live with dealing with no really good public transportation system. After all, if I can't ride a bus, I can always get a ride from a friend or my editor. And if that doesn't work out… well, you'll be surprised at the wonders of hitchhiking. But the big cars… I'm always getting worried about being run over when I'm walking in the street. And since there isn't always a sidewalk, you don't exactly get a choice of whether or not you get to walk on the street or not. It's kinda like… not only are there so many cars but they have to be big and very fuel inefficient.

And why am I thinking about this anyway?

"Oh." I have a feeling that I have just about killed this conversation from Seto's reply… and I can't say I'm not pleased about that. America is the last thing I want to discuss right now… I like it there and everything but I wasn't as happy. And if I tell him that, then he'll probably ask me why I don't come back. And if I tell him that the reason why I don't come back is because I don't want to face him… then our conversation will not only be dead, but it'll be cremated and the ashes will be in a pretty jar on the mantle over the fireplace.

Yami-kun has joined in the festivities, much to Mami-san's annoyance. The spirit has created a physical body and is now playing with the kids. Yuki is sitting on his head while the Black Magician watches, looking about as exasperated by the situation as Mami-san is.

Sometimes, I can't help but wonder how Yami-kun can live. Most of the time he is in Yuugi-kun's mind, and he doesn't come out except to duel or on special occasions such as this. Thus, he is usually confined to his kokoro no heya, with only Yuki and the Black Magician for company. Yet he still manages to be happy… even if he failed in his goal of finding his lost memories. His memories were once the only thing except Yuugi-kun which kept him going… but he's moved on beyond his failure. Watching him now… he looks so content.

"I love her," he suddenly mutters in a distracted tone, so soft that I don't know if I was meant to hear it. He might have wanted me to hear it, but I find it difficult to figure out people's motives so I usually prefer to wait for them to straight out tell me rather than try and guess.

This time though, I can't keep my tongue still.

I can't help but stare. "Who? Mami-san?"

Seto looks somewhat irked by that idea, "Her? Of course not. I meant Meimi."

Meimi-chan, who is currently trying to get Yuki to fall in love with her ragged stuffed seal. Otogi-kun mentioned it to me before… he called it Yuki II. I have a suspicion that that is not its real name.

"She's wonderful." And I mean it… I mean it very, very much.

"I always wanted a daughter," he continues in that same distracted tone, as if he is talking to himself or me or some third party who is apparently invisible. Besides, what is he telling me this for anyway? It's not like I can get pregnant or something… or is he trying to explain himself?

I thought I just said that I wouldn't try to figure out what game he is playing.

Right now, I can't help but feel like I'm in the middle of just that… a game. A very difficult, evil game that has no distinguishable end. We're all just… pieces in some grand scheme that we have no control over.

Or do we?

Whether or not he was frustrated by my lack of reply, Seto decides to say something to end the silence spell that has apparently been put over us.

"I really did miss you."

I can't control the blush that creeps up on my cheeks as I look away, trying to focus on Honda-kun and Otogi-kun. Very bad idea, as the two have decided to make out in a corner. No, I don't know why Seto invited them. No, I don't know if everyone is just so used to it that they're no longer worried about traumatizing innocent minds for life. NO, of course not… why on earth would I think this is the reason behind Mami-san not liking them?

"If I told you…" I choose my words slowly… they come out so sluggishly that it seems almost painful for me to get each word out, "… that I already know that… could we…"

My voice breaks at that and I fall silent. Could we what? My mind is drawing a complete break and I really don't know what to say. I don't know what I want. It's so frustrating and I want to run away but I'm here and I feel so trapped.

Seto suddenly reaches out and pulls me into an embrace, letting me rest my head on his shoulder. I don't pull away and I really don't want to… but I can't really react to his gesture either. I have this inexplicable reason to start sobbing, but I control it (somewhat) and just continue to sit there, closing my eyes as he rocks us slightly.

He smells really nice.

I don't stop him when he loosens his grip, reaching one hand over to brush the hair away from my forehead and kissing me gently there. I don't want to stop him.

It's true that I don't know what I want anymore. But I do know enough to realize that even I am not foolish enough to prevent him from doing what makes me feel whole again.

~ * ~

"Blow out the candles, Meimi-chan!" Anzu encourages as the rest of us end our chorus of the birthday song in broken English (although some people were better than others). We're lucky that we're still capable of hearing, especially since Jyounouchi-kun (among others) was singing and Jyounouchi-kun singing automatically creates a dangerous situation.

"But don't forget to make a wish," Seto reminds her gently as he squeezes my hand. My face is burning again but I'm too… giddy to do anything about it.

Part of me is screaming that this is going too fast. That something is clearly wrong if we can make it to hand-holding and kissing (not on the lips) because of one agreement.

But the rest of me just doesn't really care what that part has to whine about.

Clearly, there is something very wrong with me.

However, I push all of this aside as Meimi-chan takes in a deep breath before blowing out all seven candles. As soon as she does so, the lights come on and we all clap and cheer for her. Her face is flushed and she's grinning, her brown hair getting all over her face in a messy disarray.

"What did you wish for?" One of Meimi-chan's friends ask.

"Baka [2]! You can't ask her or the wish won't come true!" somebody else whispers before Meimi-chan can even open her mouth, causing us all to laugh.

Meimi-chan smiles before she declares simply, "I wished for something very special."

As she says those words, she looks at Seto, who just shakes his head in silent laughter. But I can subconsciously tell that he also has no idea about what she wished for… even though he tries to pretend that he does.

"Aren't you going to tell me what you wished for?"

"If I tell you, then I might not as well have made that wish."

My wish didn't come true, even though I didn't tell him. I can only hope now that at least Meimi-chan's wish will come true, whatever it is that she asked for.

Wishes are such important things. They're like dreams, in a way. Perhaps they are just dreams. But however one wishes to describe them, or whatever title they are given… they help give lives purpose and keep our world turning.

… I think I'm losing it. Again. But that certainly isn't anything new.

~ * ~

Meimi-chan enjoyed all her gifts, including my wall scroll. I couldn't help but be happy about that, especially since I had spent so long worrying about how she might already have it… But as it turns out, she hasn't, so I'm very pleased.

Not to give off the impression that mine was the only gift she had gotten. Which is certainly not true… Meimi-chan has seemingly gotten everything from the Hello Kitty rubix cube that I had before been… admiring… to a collection of encyclopedias. Sometimes, I can't help but wonder about the sanity of other people… perhaps that will explain why the world is so messed up these days.

It appears that Otogi-kun is not the only one who is trying to save money by relying less on hired help.

Currently though, Meimi-chan is saying good-bye to everyone… except us wonderful adults who have been volunteered into clean-up duty.

"Ja ne, Michiko-chan! Ja ne, Keiko-chan!" Meimi-chan waves good-bye to the children leaving. Speaking of children, Takuya-kun is sulking since he too is being roped into cleaning as well.

"I don't see why I have to stay…" he grumbles as he looks pleadingly at Mai-san. "Kaasan?"

"If I'm staying, you're staying too," Mai-san replies affectionately before ruffling Takuya-kun's hair. Jyounouchi-kun smiles before kissing Mai-san on the lips. Takuya-kun gags at the display of affection, causing Yuugi-kun and Anzu to laugh. Honda-kun and Otogi-kun have temporarily disappeared to the kitchen, and I can only hope that they're… making out like wild bunnies instead of trying to cook something for Meimi-chan's birthday.

I can't help but smile as well, but my smile slips off my face when I suddenly realize that there is somebody watching me. I turn around to see Mami-san watching me, her brownish-green eyes dark despite her smile. It reminds me of the way a hyena looks at a sick wildebeest who can only run three steps.

"Okajima Mami," she introduces, although she doesn't bow or extend a hand, as is the customary American introduction which has been becoming more popular.

"Bakura Ryou," I reply politely before bowing slightly.

"I know," her words are brittle as she looks around the mansion, which is a complete mess. We stand there silently for a moment before she gestures me to follow her. Mokuba is watching us with a hint of worry in his eyes, but I follow her nevertheless. Perhaps it is simply because I have a death wish. I'm not quite sure… but I always have been stupid in that way.

She hands me a trashcan, which I take, before picking one up for herself. Soon, we're working side-by-side to pick up the trash that has been littered all over the floor. We work in silence for the most part, and I concentrate on my task rather than the person next to me.

Finally, she pauses and looks me in the eye.

"You've got a lot of guts to walk back into his life, Bakura."

I decline to comment, instead choosing to take down the pink and white streamers hanging from the wall. I don't really know what to say anyway, to be truthful. After all, how do you change the mind of somebody like that? How do you argue an accusation when you can barely figure out what the accusation is truly about? Is she angry because I am somehow taking away something from her or… something? I honestly don't know.

"He's already grown up. He left all of this… childish behavior a long time ago. Eight years later, he is running a successful business. He is married and he has a wonderful…"

"He's not married anymore," I interrupt as gently as I can. "You two divorced several years ago."

Unfortunately, the gesture goes by unnoticed. Her lips purse as she shoves the next wad of trash into the garbage can as forcefully as she can, giving me the impression that she wishes that the little wad crumpled ball was really my head. Or something similar to that. She doesn't say anything for a moment, continuing to throw things away with such vigor that I can't help but admire the strength anger can give people at times. Although I suppose that really isn't a very good thing… especially if she chooses to turn that anger against me.

"Who told you that?" she suddenly demands.

"Otogi-kun," I reply, and I can't help but wish right at that moment that I had been smart enough to lie and say I read it in the newspaper. Or on the internet! It's not like I don't go on the internet these days.

"That fag." The words are spat out rancorously, and I can't help but look slightly shocked at it. I've heard the word before, and many of those times it has been directed at me… but just because I've heard it doesn't mean that I like it or am particularly used to it.

It occurs to me that I should defend Otogi-kun… and myself… but Mami-san apparently isn't listening to me anymore. No, she's off in her own little world where I'm nothing more than a nasty thorn stuck in her side and she is searching for a pair of tweezers to pull me out.

"He should keep his god damned nose out of other people's businesses," she continues bitterly as she scans the room, as if in belief that Otogi-kun is right behind her. Or Honda-kun. Distantly, I remember Otogi-kun telling me that she doesn't like them, but right now my mind also seems to be quite… petrified.

My inner system (whatever that is) is screaming at me to run away as quickly as possible. To get out of here. To get away as far as I possibly can. I don't need to listen to this… I don't want to.

I turn to walk away but she catches my arm, her green eyes alight in fury. I'm much too polite to shake her off, but I can't help but feel extremely nervous.

"Does he tell you that he still loves you?" she asks. Her voice is suddenly soft and no longer hostile, although those emotions are openly and proudly on her face.

It takes me a moment to figure out how to reply to her, but finally I nod slightly. Seto. It's as if she is a mind-reader, or perhaps she can look into the past. How did she know that it was only last night that he told me those exact words? I still love you. In my voice, they sound so… insignificant. When he says them, the world might as well come crashing through the roof and right onto my head.

I have a feeling that Mami-san wouldn't mind that event occurring right about now.

"He never told me that. Not once. From the very beginning, when he proposed to me… he told me. This is a business arrangement. Nothing more.

"And I asked him, why is that? Why can't you love me?

"Do you know what he said? Do you?" she hisses as she drops the trash can, spilling its contents all over the floor. I can only stare at them helplessly, unable to react to any of this.

"He told me that he still loved somebody else. That he loved somebody else so much that I could never replace him. But I was replacing him, wasn't I?" she laughs as if she is the only one privy to some sick, cosmic joke, and now she's letting me in on her little secret. "He… he told me that I would never be able to replace you. But guess what? I did. I became Mrs. Kaiba. And god… did I hate it."

"Then why are you telling me this?" I ask.

She looks at me for a moment, her expression thoughtful. Then, without any emotion in her voice, she replies, "If he cared for you so much and still left you… how were any of us to stand a chance? How were you? He claims that he still loves you. The rules haven't changed. They never will. Society will not truly accept the two of you for what you want to be because it's wrong. Otogi can screw around with whoever he wants because frankly when you compare him to Seto, he is nothing more than a small fish who can be eaten at any moment. He is nothing. Seto is something. He is something when he is with you, and he is something more when he is without you.

"But none of that matters. This is about you… and him. Well fine, Bakura. Fine. If he loved you so much, why did he leave you? What's going to prevent him from doing it again?

"Nothing. Nothing is going to keep him from doing it again. And thus begins the vicious cycle. Over and over again, this will happen.

"You asked me why I'm telling you this. I'll tell you why then," she pauses before delivering her next words with an icy coldness that makes the temperature of the room drop a few hundred degrees or so. "I hate you."

It feels like a slap in the face, and I flinch slightly. My mind is still screaming for me to get out as soon as I can, but my legs aren't responding and I have a feeling that I'm going to be standing here until she lets me go. And when that is I have no idea. Perhaps it will be never. Perhaps I am doomed to stand here for the rest of eternity, stuck with this woman who hates me without even knowing me.

"Don't try to change my mind. I hate you. In a way, I'm sorry for it… I'm sure in reality, you're a very nice person." Her expression says different. "But that doesn't change anything. I still hate you. I hate you for what you've done to me. When I married Seto, even though he told me straight out that he would never love me… I had to try, you know? You've seen him… he's a wonderful person. He's wonderful as long as you can past his shield, and only a couple people have been able to do that. One of which is you. But when you left… his shield got all the more thicker, and none of us could ever get through. Especially me. He picked me, you know, because I was nothing like you. I know that. I see you and I know that for a fact.

"All of this is your fault. Not directly, of course, but it's still your fault. And I can't help but hate you for that."

She speaks the words so coolly that it makes me wonder if it's really happening.

"It's his fault too, of course. I can't blame it all on you, and I have no intention of doing so. I'm sure plenty of it is his fault. He told me himself.

"He told me that all of this is his fault. And now he's trying to make it up to you again. But he'll never be able to make it up to you, will he? For the rest of your life, you're going to have that little nagging though… wondering. Always wondering. Will this happen again? Will I wake up again only to discover he is gone? And at least I have the satisfaction of knowing that."

Then, as quickly as it had started, she turns and walks away. She walks over to the door, exchanges some words with Seto, kisses Meimi-chan's cheek, and leaves.

And the entire time, I can only stand there staring at her. At him. At them. And her words just keep playing in my mind, over and over again.

I hate you.

It's sad that this type of irrational behavior still exists… but I shouldn't be surprised, right? After all, it has lasted for so long and it's not about to die out. Often, our hates are based on impressions that don't even exist. Based on prejudices and biases that we wrongfully impose on people who we have never met. Stereotyping an entire race because of a few members. It's rather pathetic, but we live with it. And we try to get beyond it.

But still….

I can't help but think that she is right. Or is she? She's wrong, isn't she? Or am I just becoming much better at lying to myself? I do it so often, it seems….

"Don't listen to her, Bakura-kun."

I don't reply as Otogi-kun hands me a drink, which I stare at for a moment as if it is a toxic substance. Although knowing Otogi-kun…

"Listen to who?"

"You know what I'm talking about."

I do know. But it doesn't make me feel any better.

Considering how much I lie to myself these days, I suppose I should start getting used to how often everyone lies to me. Don't listen to her? How? Should I just repress the memory, Otogi-kun? Should I just… erase it from my mind?!

How do I forget something like that?!

~ * ~

The drink was fruity and rather tangy. Quite tangy, in fact. Quite fruity too. Is that even a word?

Fruity.

I think I like that word.

The decorations came down pretty quickly. As it turned out, Seto didn't even need us to clean… much to Takuya-kun's relief. He got the hired help to do it. So he isn't as cheap as Otogi-kun the miser. The fruity miser. Fruity. Hee.

"My god, what did you put in that drink?" I hear Emi-chan ask urgently.

"I'm sorry. Did you want some? I seemed to have drunk it all," I hope I am looking somewhat… guilty. I am guilty. Very guilty. But the drink was quite fruity.

I like fruit.

Especially apples. They taste good. Crunchy and sweet.

"Well, if I had known that it was going to affect him this much, I wouldn't have put it in!" Honda-kun replies heatedly. Otogi-kun groans, sounding like he has a headache. Speaking of which, I seem to have a bit of a headache myself. But just a tiny one. Veryyyy tiny one.

"You spiked his drink?! How could you?" Anzu moans. Sounds like she has a headache too.

"It wasn't that much!"

"You know that Bakura-kun isn't very good with alcohol!" Yuugi-kun interjects.

Alcohol?

"I didn't have any alcohol," I whine. But everyone ignores me, causing me to sulk.

And why on earth is the room spinning so? It's like I'm on a merry-go-round. Seto took me on one of those once. The horses when up and down and up and down and up and down and….

"We should probably take him home," Otogi-kun sighs.

"You're going to take him home by subway?!" All four of the Jyounouchi-kun's shake his head. "No, I really don't think that's a good idea."

"You guys could take a taxi."

"Still have to get him up to the room. God, I hope he doesn't break his neck walking up those stairs…" Otogi-kun's green eyes are suddenly in front of me, and I stare into them groggily. "Oh yeah. He's drunk."

"Honda-kun!"

"I'm sorry!"

I blink at them. And then I clear my throat, trying to sound as sincere as I possibly can.

"I am not drunk."

They all stare at me for a moment before proceeding to ignore me again. In the nicest way possible, I am sure.

"He's drunk."

"I am not!" I complain loudly.

"He can stay here."

Silence.

"Err… can you repeat that Kaiba? I don't think I quite heard you correctly," Jyounouchi-kun states in complete disbelief. He doesn't sound very happy. But he never sounds happy around Seto. I wonder why sometimes. Seto is so nice! And he's cuddly. Like a teddy bear!

"I said he can stay here. Do you have a problem with that, make inu?"

"Kisama…"

"Jyounouchi! This is no place to be arguing!" Anzu interjects sharply.

Suddenly, warm hands are placed on my shoulders and I turn around to see Seto's pretty blue eyes. They really are pretty… like sapphires. Or the ocean. Or my carpet.

"Come on, Ryou," he steers me gently up the stairs. "It's time to go to bed."

I can't help but giggle. He sounds like he's taking me up to bed! I'm laughing so hard that he's having trouble getting me up the stairs, and I end up collapsing like goo into his arms. But he has such nice, strong arms. Very nice. Extremely nice. I snort in laughter again before kissing him on the nose.

"Please kiss me Seto?" I whisper as I snuggle close to him. Mm. Warm. Very warm. Like the fuzzy blanket I have back home.

He looks slightly shocked, but he also looks sorely tempted as I stare at him pleadingly. I don't see how he can resist me anyway… I am quite irresistible, right?

That's what everyone tells me anyway. This everyone is a very nice person. I really wish I could meet him someday. Maybe I'll be able to get his autograph too.

Then, firmly… "No."

Suddenly, the warm glow I was feeling is turned off and I can only stare at him. "What?"

He shakes his head, "I said 'no', Ryou."

Without another word, he hoists me into his arms and carries me up the stairs. I can only pout. Excuse me? What exactly is going on here? He's the one who keeps telling me that he wants to kiss me and stuff. And here I'm offering him what he wants and he doesn't want it anymore! What is it with guys anyway? Why do they have to be so wave-ry and all that type of weird stuff? Why can't they just stick to what they have to say?

We enter the room, although it takes a bit of trouble since Seto is carrying me. Me. Not anyone else.

"Is he going to be alright, tousama?" I hear Meimi-chan whisper. I try to smile in her general direction, but I have no idea where she's standing.

"He should be fine, Meimi. He's just a little drunk."

What is it with this drunk thing? I am not drunk! I am perfectly, perfectly, perfectly sober.

"I am not drunk," I repeat loudly. But everyone just ignores me again! As if I'm nothing!

Seto is tucking me in again, avoiding my mouth when I try to kiss him again. I am getting very frustrated by his uncooperative behavior here, so finally I just stop. Even then though, he doesn't come within kissing range.

"Good night, Ryou."

"Humph," I sulk. "Why won't you kiss me?"

There is silence before he replies casually, "Because you're drunk, Ryou. And if you're drunk, the kiss won't mean anything to either you or me."

I can only gawk at him in awe. And my head is really starting to hurt.

"Good night," he repeats before he walks out of the room, closing the door and leaving me to contemplate all my flaws and weaknesses in the dark.

By myself.

Notes:

[1] According to the official YGO character guide by Takahashi Kazuki, at least. But doesn't that mean he's more or less the youngest out of everyone if they're the same age? *innocent look*

[2] Idiot!

PM: -.-;;; Long chapter… very long chapter. *wipes sweat off face* So I'm not going to have many author notes… *yawns* Stayed up a bit later to finish this chapter, so right now I just want to go to sleep. *yaws again* Oyasuminasai, minna… *falls asleep*

Yami *starts doodling on PM's face with a magic marker*

Pikachumaniac