Disclaimer: If Yu-gi-oh was mine, I wouldn't have to worry about when I'll be getting my DVDs… *scowls darkly*
Look the Other Way
Yami: PM took some mind-altering drugs so all she can do now is sit around and smile rabidly.
PM *sits there and smiles rabidly while muttering storyline ideas to herself*
Ryuuji: And how is this different from her everyday self?
Yami: I don't know, but the bottle said that it would make the user calmer.
Ryou: Yami-kun, you're not supposed to give her the entire bottle. Overdoses can result in serious problems.
PM *starts drooling as she imagines gift-wrapped Yami*
Yami: O_O
Yami no Bakura: Mmmmmmm. *drags Yami off to strip him naked and wrap him in ribbons*
Ryou *sighs*: I tried to explain to him that this is a rated PG story… anyhow, this chapter takes place on Saturday and it's in my POV. And… I think that's it, right?
Ryuuji: How would I know?
PM *smiles prettily before having a NC-17 fantasy involving Ryuuji-kun in his birthday suit and covered in chocolate syrup and strawberries*
^.^ Many thanks to rayemars-san, as usual, for beta-reading. Additional thanks to Nephthys-san for helping me post this chapter. And of course, thanks to the readers: goddess of insanity and pauru (Ryou: I can ask people to make out with me when I'm not drunk… Ryuuji: That's cause you're a slut.), yukoma (^.^ Don't you know that the point of this story is to embarrass the snot out of poor widdle Ryou? :p), Fate (*grin* Glad to have amused you.), introspective-mortal (I didn't make him drunk… it's Honda's fault! *points finger accusingly at Honda, who bites PM's hand*), Wildwolf (Well, as I told somebody else… maybe I'll just paralyze him from the waist down), Lena (^.^ Thanks for the comments on Mami! And if you draw Meimi-chan and Seppen-chan… show me! Onegai?), Ashuri chan (Ryou: I AM NOT DRUNK!), Screwy Seven Number Four (I wanna see the picture….), Shamanic Guardian Lena (^.^ I have the power to make people pass out… next will be the poor person who tests my driving *cackle*.), Neko-baka-chan-chan (Yami no Bakura nice-ness… that sounds so wrong! :P And what would be the fun of letting Ryou stand up for himself? He's supposed to be a lump.), *i n c o h e r e n t* (Ryuuji: It was a perfectly logical response… Ryou: For a slut. Ryuuji: Which you are… Ryou: DAMN YOU!), Ishizu Sango Halliwell (^.^ Many possibilities indeed), fani90 (Seto: I thought you people were supposed to be on my side…. PM: Poor, dense Seto.), Mayhem's BrainChylde (I'm still amused by this PM-sama thing… I told my friends about it and they all started screaming in fear), loanshark (^.^ You'll find out in this chapter!), Erfaciel (Yami: *throws handcuffs, successfully chaining up the Black Magician before he can put Yuki through the shredder* Sorry. Using it now.), Azrael (^_^ This is supposed to be a happy story… Ryou: LIAR!), Bronze Eagle (*glomps* Missed you too! And… yes… poor Seto. Heehee… Seto: What are you laughing about? PM: Nothing.), MarmaladeGirl (mm… could you clarify on the criticism part? ^^;; Sorry, but I'm having problems understanding it…), Tuulikki (Yami no Bakura: I'm STUCK with a cute host?! Curse the fates! Why couldn't he be vicious?!), Ayrrie (Mmm… after this chapter, there are five more chapters…. That's a lot. *dies*), Teb Teb (:p I can't have too many seals fighting for competition, can I? *PM's 100+ stuffed seals glare*), LFangor (*waves Chaseshipping flag as well* Damn it people, write this coupling! *gets down on knees and begs*), Sailor Comet (She probably did… she probably took her tape recording of Seto's admittence of his guilt and went over it over… and over… and over again…. Just memorized it… made a speech… Got a crossbow with a pretty gold arrow that has Ryou's name on it… Mami: Thanks! PM: --;;), Dani (Seto: I don't want a kiss! I want a fu… PM *clamps hand over Seto's mouth*), Chibizoo (*likes your pampering!* ^.^ And the contest fic is… being written! *contest fic flops over dead* Uh….), Shenya (Ryou: I'm always sweet. Seto: Yeah right. Ryou *slap*), Ninetails (I am a godly entity… so now I will… *grabs Yami no Yuugi, knocks him out, and tatoos the words "Property of PM" on his ass* I feel much better now. *sits down and smirks* And plushie! Me wants a plushie! *glomp* Onegai?), Yami Bakura (actually, if my suspicions are correct… poor Ryou won't be thinking very well due to a brilliantly timed hangover), Tidbits (*whispers* You see… I steal these words. *shows you a box of words* But don't tell anyone, hear?), Dragon Wings (I guess that means I should put away the puppet swings… and just when I was going to have Ryuuji-kun do a strip dance. *sad sigh* And eep! Don't hit your head! I don't mind lateness… just as you get your review in before my next update day so I can thank you!), Sam Baku (^.^ Whaaaaaa?), and C.M Aeris Queen of Insanity (I'm scared of DDR…). ^_^ Thanks ever so much, minna!
Random Thought: My thank you's took over half a page….
~ Different Direction ~
"Here," Otogi-kun hands me a cup of tea. I stare at it groggily before gulping it down, instantly regretting it as I remember the disaster that happened last night. Considering all that, I wouldn't be surprised if Otogi-kun put sleeping pills in my drink and 'accidentally' put enough to make me sleep until the end of the world.
I would spit it all out except for the fact that I've spilled enough of my insides onto other people's carpets.
It was much to my surprise when I woke up this morning with the biggest hangover in my life. I don't drink very often… I actually don't like the taste of alcohol. Plus, it doesn't help that I've been injected with just about every anti-alcohol propaganda that one could possibly think of.
Thus, it was really quite surprising to discover that I had been drunk last night. And it didn't help that I was in a very unfamiliar setting, causing me to immediately wonder if I had finally received my comeuppance and that I had finally been condemned to hell.
The theory seemed extremely plausible when my stomach finally rebelled despite my attempts to keep whatever it was that wanted to see daylight so badly… down. And it was while I was puking my guts out and cursing my stupidity that none other than Seto walked in.
Walked in just in time to see me throwing up on his previously immaculate and white carpet.
I couldn't help but wince as I stare into his blue eyes, which are staring at the pretty brownish-green spot on the white carpet. White carpet. What type of person has a white carpet? Don't people know that carpets are meant for feet? Which means that they are going to get dirty? So why on earth would somebody want a white carpet?!
"Gomen nasai," I whispered, despite the raging headache I was having. I felt ready to lie on my stomach and just die, but I didn't want to because then Seto might get arrested for murder. And I've already caused him enough trouble.
"The maid will clean it up."
Well, then, I was sorry to the maid. Not him, since I was causing trouble for the maid… not him. Never him.
I am getting so good at lying to myself….
"Otogi is going to come by later to pick you up," he continued, barely audible. My stomach is starting to rumble again, and I turn away in case I need to hurl. Last I heard, it's easier to clean up bed sheets than it is to clean the carpet.
And since those sheets were such an ugly color anyway….
Seto must have noticed because next thing I knew, he was holding out a trash can to me. Very technologically advanced, but I didn't particularly care as long as I didn't have to throw up again onto the carpet. Although since she already needed to clean it, I might as well have.
"Are you okay?"
He looked so earnest when he asked me that. I looked up at him, blinking almost blindly as if I could not understand a single word he said but that's not true. I did understand what he said. And in a way, my heart couldn't help but flutter when I heard him say that.
I wanted him to hold me again. He did that once, when I had a hangover. Yes, I've gotten hangovers before. Like I said, I don't get them often… but that doesn't mean I never have them. Although like this one, they usually aren't my fault! It's usually due to spiked drinks or just a decided lack of judgment… which doesn't mean that it's my fault, mind you.
… Who am I kidding? Besides myself.
Instead, I nodded, looking away. Memories were starting to flash back to me… memories such as me clinging to Seto asking him why he wouldn't kiss me. Well, no need to ask him that now… not unless he wants the smell or taste of vomit on his lips, which is something even I would want to pass on.
"You were looking pretty crappy yesterday."
Well, thank you for that wonderful observation. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to go and try to drown myself in the bathtub.
"I don't suppose you want some sugar with that?" Otogi-kun's voice asks, snapping me back to oh-so-wonderful reality. I think I should go kill myself now.
"Thanks but no thanks," I reply bitterly, especially when Mami-san's words started to ring through my head. It's amazing that I could remember her exact words when I've only listened to them once… but even now I can still hear them. So accusing and angry… and despite my desire for them never to affect my life, they've raised a shadow of doubt.
If he cared for you so much and still left you… how were any of us to stand a chance? How were you? He claims that he still loves you. The rules haven't changed. They never will. Society will not truly accept the two of you for what you want to be because it's wrong.
He told me that all of this is his fault. And now he's trying to make it up to you again. But he'll never be able to make it up to you, will he? For the rest of your life, you're going to have that little nagging thought… wondering. Always wondering. Will this happen again? Will I wake up again only to discover he is gone? And at least I have the satisfaction of knowing that.
I bite my lip as I take a sip of the revolting concoction that Otogi-kun has brewed up. Although I suppose I can't really blame him… my taste buds seem to malfunction when I'm hung over and just about everything tastes horrible… including my favorite foods. Jyounouchi-kun likes to tell me that if I ever want to go on a diet, I should just drink a lot because then I can't eat when I'm hungover.
I think I would have strangled him if Mai-san hadn't beat me to the punch.
Literally.
"Something happen again?"
I scowl, something that is not a good idea with a headache, "You speak of this as if it is a common occurrence."
"Ever since that time the two of us got kidnapped because somebody wanted your 'boyfriend' to break a contract, I cannot be surprised if it involves you. Besides, I saw that woman talking to you. I don't suppose you want to share with the class what she said?"
"Not in particular, Otogi-kun. It's bad enough knowing it myself."
"You know, they say that telling somebody sometimes relieves stress."
"Except right now, talking is causing me stress. So I would be extremely grateful if you just let me wallow in self-pity silently," I grit back.
This headache must be affecting me more than I ever could have suspected. This type of behavior really does not suit me… but at the same time I don't really want to do anything about it. Probably I'm just too tired to do anything about it… but that's really the same thing.
No wonder Seto broke up with me. I must be a total embarrassment to his life.
"Haven't you done enough of that already?" Otogi-kun rolls his eyes. "After all, you have just spent eight years devoted to self-pity. Anymore time and you'll be drowning in your big crocodile tears."
I scowl bitterly… what's his point? So what if I have been pitying myself for eight years? The only thing that means is that a couple more days won't hurt anyone.
Except me.
~ * ~
I spent most of the day sleeping and avoiding people… a task that wasn't too difficult since Otogi-kun was busy cleaning. Cleaning. It never occurred to me that Otogi-kun knew how to clean but I suppose that explains why the apartment is immaculate rather than looking like a pigsty. I probably dismissed it because I know that Otogi-kun has more than enough money to afford a cleaner to come every week… but much to my surprise, it is Otogi-kun who keeps the place neat. I can't help but be fascinated by the concept of a feather-duster wielding Otogi-kun, although I would never tell him that since he would probably come after me with the before-mentioned cleaning tool and… I don't know; maybe he would tickle me to death.
People sometimes wonder why tickling is used as a weapon of torture… but I of all people know how dangerous that seemingly 'innocent' activity can be. Back when I was still living in a dorm at university, the two of us would go through long periods of time without getting to see each other. This resulted in Seto thinking of insane ways of making me feel 'loved' when we finally got to see each other again.
One of those times involved a rather embarrassing episode where Seto blindfolded me, tied me to a chair, and alternated between tickling and kissing. This in itself wasn't that embarrassing… but since he blindfolded me, I didn't know it was him and started screaming when he first started tickling me.
This, of course, immediately caught Jyounouchi-kun's attention. And so he ran into the room, screeching bloody murder… and next thing I know Seto is nearly being hauled off by guys decrying rape.
Luckily, the misunderstanding was cleaned up… but since then, Seto knew never to tickle me again. Which is probably a good thing… especially since I don't like tickling anyway.
"Bakura-kun! Phone!"
I groan, as this is definitely not a good time for me to be talking even though my hangover is finally starting to go away, and yell back, "Otogi-kun… please tell whoever it is that I'm dead. Onegai?"
"If I tell him that, Bakura-kun, Kaiba will have my skin for letting you die. And I'll let you know right now that Hiroto happens to like me with my skin. He says that it makes sex much easier."
Oh god, Otogi-kun… that is just so… so… let me put it this way. I so did not need to hear that! And speaking of which… oh no. If I understand what Otogi-kun said before the sex thing correctly….
I immediately blanche before burying my head into the pillow.
"I don't want to talk to him right now, Otogi-kun." My voice comes out to be rather muffled, but I have a feeling that Otogi-kun will be able to understand regardless.
"And you want me to tell him that?"
I glare at the door, hoping that my silence will convey the message of my silent glare. I'm not sure if it works (actually, it never works for me)… but after a brief moment of silence, Otogi-kun shrugs and goes back to the phone conversation, "He's still hungover, Kaiba. Want me to have him call you back?"
"NO!"
No, I don't want to see Seto right now. I don't know why but… it's just that everything about him is confusing me right now! And what Mami-san said certainly didn't help. This entire vacation has been a mess and has done nothing more than add more stress to my life, which I think is the opposite affect of what it is supposed to do.
It's so odd. I was really starting to enjoy his company during Meimi-chan's party and… who am I kidding? I always enjoyed his company. Even though he frustrates me so much at times, I loved being with him. I loved him. And even when I read that note on my pillow… I didn't hate him. I just… just….
"He wants to know if you mind meeting him at the bridge in two hours."
After he commented on my appearance this morning, we didn't exchange anymore words. I don't quite know what happened… it's just that one moment he was there and the next he was gone and Otogi-kun was asking me if I would be all right walking to the front door. I didn't see him once… which might not really be saying much since I couldn't even see straight. But I didn't sense his presence. And I know I'm not psychic or anything but I can usually feel when he is close to me. It's just something that I've picked up over the four years or so that we were together, and it served me well at times.
Except the tickling incident, of course….
"Yes, I do mind," I finally reply as I lay back in bed, closing my eyes in an attempt to end this pounding in my head. It's four in the afternoon and I still feel bad. It's been so long since I've had a hangover that I'm not sure if this is supposed to happen or not. Maybe emotional problems prolong the effects of a hangover.
"Kaiba is going to be upset if I tell him that."
I don't even open my eyes as I shout back as gently as I can so as not to give myself another headache as the effects really are starting to go away, "I don't care."
"Ah," Otogi-kun replies sagely before replying into the phone, "… Kaiba? Yeah, he'll be there."
"Otogi-kun!" I screech as I sit up quickly, a combined movement that makes my head spin.
"Did you say something Bakura-kun?"
I just groan and slump back into bed. And Otogi-kun continues to speak to Kaiba without a care in the world. Ooh, I'm going to shave him bald later….
"No, I won't let him go alone. We'll take the train. Yes, I'll leave you two alone when we get there. Yes, I'm sure we don't need the car and driver, although it's quite nice of you to offer. Hey, just because I make enough money to afford these things doesn't mean I need them. I am not cheap! That's it, I'm hanging up on you now. No, I'm not lying. For crying out loud."
I wince as the phone is slammed on the hook, and several minutes Otogi-kun pops his head back into the room. And for one crazy, fleeting moment… I wonder if it would be a crime to strangle him with his head band.
Anyhow, I'm sure I could justify it as killing in self-defense.
"We'll be leaving in an hour and a half. I don't suppose you'll be over your hangover by then, will you?"
"Otogi-kun… please come a little closer so I can kill you."
"You sound fine already. That's good," Otogi-kun announces through the door. I can just see a devious smirk on his face, complete with manipulative eyes and a bonus hair-playing for free. "I better call Hiroto to inform him of this little engagement."
"I really do hate you sometimes, Otogi-kun."
"I'll remember that the next time you want a favor, Bakura-kun."
~ * ~
Seto isn't there by the time I get to the bridge, but I guess I am a bit early. Otogi-kun took off for the café near the park, leaving me here to face Seto by myself. I haven't been this nervous since that time Seto took me to the Angel Wings restaurant and explained to me why everything happened….
I bite my lip as I sit down on the wood, allowing my legs to dangle over the water. Maybe if I'm lucky, a fish will pop out and eat me. Yes, I do think I like that idea right now… it's an excellent way of avoiding my problems at least.
Perhaps if you had learned to concentrate on how to solve the problem rather than how to run away from it, you wouldn't be in this mess? Yami Bakura points out simply.
Well, who asked him?
Well, you are obviously incompetent and unable to take care of your own life. And since you will no longer allow the shinkan [1] to do it for you, I suppose that I must take some responsibility in your life. Just enough to keep you from getting killed, of course. Can't seem like I might be getting fond of you.
Am I really so incapable that I need somebody taking care of me?
A snort… of amusement, it seems. I can't help but turn a bit red… is he finding me amusing? Excuse me, but what exactly is so amusing? I know I can be clumsy and whiny…
Understatement.
… But that does not mean I'm funny!
Actually, it does. And to answer your previous question… let me put it this way, yadonushi. I could not have said it better myself.
"Damn you!" I yell out loud, despite myself. My cheeks are bright red now and I swear that headache is trying to come back again.
"Ryou?"
If it wasn't for the handhold supporter (at least, I think that's what they're called)… thingies, I would have fallen into the water. As it is, I smack my head against the railing as I jerk from the sudden voice. "Itai…. [2]"
See? That's funny.
Dama re! [3]
It's a bit too late for that, isn't it?
I grit my teeth as warm hands pull me up gently, helping me lean against the railing. My head is still spinning, and I stare at all six of my helpers… that's only five too many. I must be okay.
"You need to stop making a habit out of this," Seto murmurs as he continues to hold me still and to keep me from swaying back and forth. "It's not healthy for you."
I quickly bite my lip in fear of letting something else escape… like another loud 'Damn you!' that would only serve to make my Yami laugh harder and annoy Seto. At least, I think it will annoy Seto. It's hard to tell with him these days… he tends to be quite erratic when it comes to reactions.
"This is not a habit," I finally mutter as I finally manage to steady myself. "Despite what some people think, I do not enjoy hitting my head."
Seto smirks. I glower as I continue to rub the sore spot on my forehead. Maybe that's why Yami no Malik goes for the glowing eye look… perhaps he has an ugly bruise there and the eye hides it.
Or maybe I've just lost it again.
… Yeah. I think that's a good explanation.
"I know that."
I can't help but start slightly at his words, which are soft and gentle. Loving.
Deceptive.
I hate to think that Mami-san's words have affected me much more than they should have… but I can't help but feel that she has a point. Even though I know that this was precisely her intention, it's as if I can't think of anything else as I stare at Seto right now.
If he still loves me, why did he do the things he did?
On a subconscious level, I suppose I can understand his motives. After all, he is the owner of a multimillionaire or billionaire or whatever corporation… and he needs to keep up his appearances. But why couldn't he think of that before he decided to get involved with me?
Some people think that there is only one true love out there. I don't know if I support that view or not, but I can't help but wonder about would have happened if we had never gotten together. Would I have found somebody else and be free of all these worrisome questions right now?
Or would I just be by myself, wondering what went wrong with my life?
If that is the case, I don't know which reality would be better. Some people say that to have love and happiness for a short time is better than never having it. But how can that be true? Could a short period followed by the rest of forever agonizing over its loss truly be better than going through life never knowing what you missed?
And just when I'm about to say 'no' to that question… I think about all those things that made my time with Seto special. So many things… a lot of them were small but the memories have lasted to this day.
Thinking about all these things, I know that I will never be able to answer that question in a way that can satisfy me.
~ * ~
We stand there in awkward silence, waiting for the other to speak. Or at least, I think that's what we are doing. I mean, who knows? I don't know what he's thinking. I mean, I know what I'm thinking… although there has been some debate about that….
"You keep telling me that it isn't a good time to talk about us," his words are spoken carefully and precisely, as if he doesn't want to waste a single word. "But I was hoping that maybe this time, it is."
I freeze.
I expected this… really I did. But expectations can never stand up to reality.
"Seto…."
He cuts me off, "No. Please listen to me this time. Listen, and then you can say something. All right?"
Do I have any other choice? If I say no, I'll sound like I'm' having a temper tantrum. If I say yes… well, I can't say yes. He told me not to talk.
Finally, lamely… I just nod.
"Thank you."
I wait. Quite impatiently, I might add, but I somehow manage to keep a semblance of composure on my face. Of course, I could have a horrific look on my face right now yet still think that I look calm because beliefs are what ultimately direct our thinking patterns. So as long as I believe that I look calm… I am calm. To myself, at least.
Or something like that.
Now that he's gotten my attention, there is a pained expression on Seto's face… almost as if he doesn't know what to do. I can relate… how many times have I needed to say something important only to realize that I didn't know how to say it? It's a horrible situation, if you ask me… but it's one that I suppose we have all come to live with.
"I know I hurt you very much. And I know you have every right to not want anything to do with me because of it. But I still have to try.
"I made a mistake when I gave up everything we had because of the pressure. I know I made a mistake and I know that it is going to be very difficult for me to make it up to you.
"By doing what I did, I screwed up. I screwed up, and I realize that. But what I did made you unhappy for over eight years, and I realized that as soon as I saw you at that department store with Meimi. You looked so happy with Meimi but then you saw me and I realized exactly how much I hurt you.
"Ryou…" there is a pause and I can only stare at him in anticipation of what he has to say. "I just want to make you happy again."
Silence. Dead, deafening silence that I can barely stand. And the only thing that runs through my head is a constant wonder of whether or not this is really happening.
Part of me can't help but think… is this really enough? Or is it too little too late?
And with sudden, heart-stopping clarity, I finally open my mouth to speak.
"Seto…" I can't help but choke on that word, especially with the realization that I will never be able to take back what I say. "None… none of this really makes a difference, does it?"
"Why not?" Seto looks slightly annoyed but I don't really think I can blame him.
I breathe in slowly, and then allow myself to speak.
"I'm going back to America, Seto. And when I do, it will be like none of this ever happened. And if none of this ever happened, what's the point of trying to regain something that we both loved but could never retain?"
"That's not the point!"
"Isn't it?" I feel ready to cry again but I manage to not choke on the words that come next. "Maybe… eight years ago, I wouldn't be questioning this. But that was eight years ago. That's a different time and it matters now."
"It never mattered before. Why does it matter now?"
"It matters because that is why we broke up… so if you're asking me why it matters now, I can only ask you why it mattered eight years ago. And why, when that mattered so much before… why doesn't it matter at all anymore? What changed you throughout all these years to make you suddenly decide that it doesn't matter?
"That's the problem, Seto. Don't you see? You were right in breaking us up and it would be wrong for us to think that we can get beyond all of that again. You saw what happened before. If we try again, we'll just be risking all of it again."
"Look," Seto tries to look calm but anyone can tell by the fire in his eyes that he is anything but calm, "… I know you were talking to Mami. I know she said some things to you but that doesn't mean what she said was true. You can't listen to her on this. She isn't right."
I tilt my head slightly, so that I'm looking at Seto from an angle. I don't know why I'm doing it, but it's as if I'm getting a different perspective of him. He sounds so pleading. So… helpless.
He sounds so truthful.
"No," my word comes out so softly that it's barely audible. "Even if she hadn't spoken to me, we might still be in the same exact position saying the same exact words. Except this time, she wouldn't be a part of it. Don't you see, Seto? It's not because of what she said to me. Not entirely. It's because of what you did."
"I made a mistake. And I realize that. But we can't let that rule our lives."
"But what if we're making the same exact mistake again? Nothing has changed, Seto. We might pretend that it did but that doesn't mean reality will become what we want it to be. What about Meimi-chan? She might not think of it right now, but what happens when the kids at school laugh at her because she goes up to say that her mommy is a divorcee, her father is a rich businessman, and her other father is a… a… it doesn't matter what I am by that point, it's what they have already heard. We laughed about it in the past when we went to the shelter to help Michelle-san out with the kids… but in reality, what would happen? You already proved to me that it could never work out. And what I have seen and heard has only served to affirm it.
"I still love you, of course. And if this was under any different circumstances, I would be grateful to just jump back into your arms and pretend that nothing in the past happened. But it doesn't work out that way. I said it before already… I'm going back to America. You're going to go home to Meimi-chan. And within a few weeks, it's not going to matter. We'll both move on with our lives and maybe we'll look back at this with some regret but in the end we'll know that we're right."
"No." His voice is flat and his eyes are hard as he suddenly grabs my arm with a grip so tight that it brings tears to my eyes. "You listen to me, Ryou. Please."
His grip lessens slightly but it still hurts. I swallow and stare at him, half in fear and half in awe or the man standing before me with such intensity radiating from him.
"A lot of what you said was right. I admit that you are right on a lot of these things. This isn't about what Mami said to you. This isn't about correcting a mistake. It's not that easy. You're right, it's never going to be easy. But you're wrong about all of this being right.
"Think about it! If this was right… if we were never meant to be together, why does it hurt so much when we aren't together? Why did I keep thinking about you, and why did you keep thinking about me? If all of this was so damn wrong, why is it that outside of Mokuba and now Meimi, the only person who could make me truly happy was you?"
I look at him, slowly. As if I don't want to admit to myself what I am about to face.
And as gently as I can… as sincerely as I can… I say, "Good-bye, Seto."
He is so shocked that he lets go of my arm, and I take the opportunity to walk away. Not run, mind you. Walk. And if any part of me screamed out that I wanted him to follow me… he didn't hear it. He just stood there, watching as I walked away. Kinda like those movies where the protagonist walks out 'into the sunset' or some crap like that.
Crap… I never curse like this. I usually try to refrain from it. But I just realized… or perhaps I just allowed myself to acknowledge something that I have known for a very, very long time… that all those fairy tales and romantic stories and all those other lies and deceptions were nothing more than just… that. Crap.
His questions keep running through my mind, but I can't answer any of them. In a way, I know that I will never be able to answer any of them.
But that doesn't really matter anymore, does it?
~ * ~
By the time I walk over to where Otogi-kun is waiting for me, I've calmed down enough so that I no longer look like I'm having a nervous breakdown. Instead, I just look as if I've gone to heaven and returned by a train going approximately two hundred miles an hour… whilst strapped to the frigging front of it.
As usual, my mind isn't helping matters at all. Instead, it decides to scream… a long, deafening scream that is so incoherent that I can barely think. I can only wonder on how I managed to make my way to the café, and then how I managed to find where Otogi-kun is sitting.
Speaking of Otogi-kun, he is sitting at a table in the back of the restaurant, watching me above a book about Death gaining a personality [4]. I bought it for him in America, on the recommendation of a good friend of mine. I read it myself and personally found it very interesting… and depressing because it reminded me so much of Seto. The concept of somebody who seems so emotionless gaining a personality as you came to know him… the similarity is striking. Although that's probably just me, of course. Poor, obsessive little me.
Before Otogi-kun can open his mouth to say absolutely anything, I cut him off, "I want to go back home."
There is a long silence before Otogi-kun clears his throat and looks at me as if I'm completely off the rocker. Which, I will kindly remind the world, I am not. "Do you mind repeating that for me again?"
"Yes, I do mind. But just for you, I will say it one more time. I want to go back to America."
My, I sure seem to be mildly sarcastic today.
He looks nonplused, and I have this extreme urge to beat him on the head with the silverware. "You will be doing that, Bakura-kun. It's only one more week."
"I don't care. I'm not staying here for one more day. I want to go," I repeat for the third time. And apparently third time is the charm because it finally seems to sink into Otogi-kun's mind that I am serious. Although I don't know why he would doubt me in the first place. Why do people like to think I'm kidding? I rarely joke and I'm not very good at it… yet people never seem to take me seriously! They always make me repeat myself, as if they think that if I do, my words will suddenly change and everything will become better.
Well, frankly… I'm not going to change my mind this time. I have no reason to. I've stayed here long enough and if they really want to see me, they can come to America to visit. Heck, I'll even pay for the tickets and hotels if that is the problem. I'll pay for everyone. Except him. Not him. I don't want anything to do with him anymore.
It just hurts too much now.
"Why?"
My mind comes to an abrupt halt. Even the screaming has paused momentarily, something that I am extremely grateful for. And I can do nothing but stare at him as if he's been taking psycho drugs as well as inhaling laughing gas. It wouldn't surprise me the least if he suddenly started doing the chicken dance right about now.
"Why what?" I ask, my mouth dry.
He shrugs, "Don't be ridiculous, Bakura-kun. This isn't something you even considered until about fifteen minutes ago… at the most. So your memory can't be that bad. And although I don't want to repeat myself, I am going to for your benefit. Why do you suddenly want to return to America?"
I blink, but I don't know if I will be able to explain it to him.
This place… Domino… it scares me so much. I had this fear before, when on the plane trip here… but Yuugi-kun and Otogi-kun and all the others helped me get rid of it.
But it's not working anymore. Maybe it never worked, since I couldn't stop thinking about it. Maybe I will spend the rest of my life mulling over something that was never meant to be.
If all of this was so damn wrong, why is it that outside of Mokuba and now Meimi, the only person who could make me truly happy was you?
Seto… I don't know the answer to the question. I can't explain it… in a way, I can only hope that you will accept it and move on with your life. I've been trying to do that, yet life keeps springing unwanted temptations and problems which have done nothing but give me a perpetual headache.
Like this entire trip. Like the department store. Like Meimi-chan.
Like you.
"I understand," Otogi-kun suddenly murmurs, and I blink at him dazedly. Understand what, exactly? I didn't even say anything, did I? So what on earth is he understanding?
Why are there so many unanswered questions? Why can't I seem to get my act together? It's like everything is spinning out of my control, but some would argue that I never had any control in the first place. And I can't tell whether they are right or not. I have a feeling that they are, but no one wants to admit those types of things to himself. People always talk about being honest to oneself, etc., but how often does that apply to real life? If we were honest with ourselves… a quality that we usually seem to lack… how long would anyone last under such pressure?
There's a reason why we lie to ourselves, although we don't want to admit it. It's just that it's sometimes easier to believe a little white lie then confront the truth about our lives.
I suppose my silence signals to Otogi-kun that I am not going to be speaking anymore. Considering I am really in no position to be saying anything, since I have the feeling that it is Otogi-kun's turn to say something.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" he abruptly asks… almost hesitantly. As if he is unsure that he wants to ask, something that surprises me about Otogi-kun. He usually seems so confident… so sure of himself. It's odd to see him slightly at unease, no matter what the situation.
I choose to answer him with a level stare and a sad smile. And it seems that is all I can really say right now, without completely losing what's left of my sanity.
Not to imply that I ever had any in the first place.
"Because if you're going to do this… you better be sure. Because it's not always possible to change the long-term effects of a previous action. And it's best not to do anything you're going to regret a lot."
I sigh, "I just want this to end, Otogi-kun. I don't want to deal with this anymore."
"You can't always escape your problems."
"I know that," I reply gently. "But I can this time, and I intend on using this opportunity. For once."
Otogi-kun looks sad, something that should shock me. But in a way, I'm still reeling from everything that has happened today… so I don't look or feel any more shocked than I already am.
"You know… I was really hoping that you two would be able to get back together again. I would never tell Kaiba this, of course… but he was so happy when you were around. Even Meimi hasn't completely filled the gap yet. And I think you would be a lot happier if you allowed yourself to. But you haven't, and you don't seem to want to. I don't know why, but you seem absolutely determined to spend the rest of your life as a depressed spinster. And even though people have been trying to get you over yourself and all your uncertainties… you won't admit that you would be much happier if you took him up on his offer. He's trying… and you can see that. How could anyone not? You can see that he's trying so hard to make it up to you but you won't let him. You're so scared and you're holding yourself back from something that you really want. And now you're going to run away from it. But if you do, are you ever going to be happy again? Or are you going to spend the rest of your life regretting what you did?"
"That's my problem, Otogi-kun," I try to keep my words as emotionless as possible… but I know deep inside that the only thing I would have fooled is an inanimate object. And that is being generous. "Not yours. It never was yours. Or Emi-chan's. Or Mokuba's. Or oniisan's and Erika-san's. It's my problem, and I intend on facing it by myself. For once."
"You're sure?"
"Yes."
Otogi-kun sighs, as if in defeat. "Then we better get home, huh? Hiroto should be home and he can drive you to Domino airport. I'll call the airport and see what I can do about switching your plane tickets…."
~ * ~
I was still packing when Honda-kun came home, and Otogi-kun was able to keep him off my back. I don't know what they said to each other, but I was also a bit too preoccupied to care.
To say the least, Honda-kun was not the bit pleased with my decision, but somehow Otogi-kun managed to convince him that it was for the best. I have no idea how he managed that considering how unhappy he was with my decision… but I don't take the time to question small miracles anymore.
Otogi-kun also kept his promise about looking for plane tickets. Another thing I have no idea how he managed to get… but he somehow managed to switch my tickets for one departing in about… oh, fifteen minutes.
The car trip to the airport was nerve-rackingly quiet, and I couldn't help but spend the entire time wondering what Seto would think when he found out. If he found out.
Although it seems odd… part of me really does believe that it's all going to be over as soon as I'm in a different country. And that's probably a good thing because it's the only thing that keeps me sitting in this seat. Much to my disconcertment, I'm sitting next to a happy couple.
Again affirming the fact that somebody hates me very much for what I am doing.
Honda-kun and Otogi-kun had softened by the time we reached the airport, although they never agreed with me that it was the right thing to do. But I suppose that would be asking for too much….
Security was tight so they weren't able to accompany me to the gate, so we said our good-bye's at the reception area. I promised to keep better contact with them once I got back to America, and even brought up the possibility of them and Yuugi-tachi visiting after a couple of months or so.
I have a feeling that it will only be a possibility though.
They're not happy with me, and I can't say that I blame them. I'm not really happy with myself.
So why am I doing this?
Notes:
[1] Kinda like a priest… the title of Yami no Yuugi's priests back in Egypt. So instead of simply being Seto, for example, Seto would be known as Shinkan Seto.
[2] Ouch; painful
[3] Don't say anything!
[4] Specifically, Mort by Terry Pratchett. XD I read the book for English class and I must say that it's one of the most amusing books I have ever read.
PM *blinks, sweatdrops, shrieks, and flees*: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Seto: You're DEAD, PM! DEAD I TELL YOU!
PM: *whimper* Help… help meeeeeee. *finally distracts Seto by throwing an inflatable Ryou doll at him, running into a closet, and magically locking it* Ah… minna. ^^;;; Uh… just to inform you, I might not be able to update for the next two weeks. It's just that my grade completely depends on the tests in the next two weeks, so I might be shirking my duties to study… I'm not saying that I definitely will be not updating. I'm just warning you. ^_^;;;;;
*long silence*
PM: Sorry?
Seto: DEAD I TELL YOU!
PM *whimper…*
Pikachumaniac
