(A/N: Here it is! The second chapter. Now, I'm honestly not sure if Cell is organic enough to go to Hell, but I'm assuming he is. I just really wanted to write a chapter about Cell. I think it has something to do with the tail. And no, I never intended to have Sephiroth in here. He just kinda... appeared. I needed someone to come in, and since my mom (!!!) was playing FF7... and his theme music was playing... I just kinda typed his name in and left it there. I honestly don't know if he'll come back. What do you guys think? Anyways, enjoy this chapter. Personally, I love it. I had a lot of fun writing it. And remember: No, it's not supposed to mean anything. No, it doesn't have a plot (yet). And YES – IT'S TOTALLY RANDOM! Wa~I! Enjoy!)


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CHAPTER TWO: Cell Gets Stuck

June 15

I'm going to start my entry in this bizarre little journal by saying this: I agree, Freeza. This is unjust. But your latest obsession is quite scary and I would like to express my hope that you will never speak to me again. Have fun "frolicking" with your little cronies, but don't write about it in here. Nobody needs to know what you do in your spare time.

I also find it quite odd that you are willing to turn good for the sake of your new addiction. After all, you have been called "the only villain who was truly 100% evil". And now look at you. Dancing, prancing, skipping about and eating your Pocky. Strawberry Pocky, no less. It's sad, my friend, quite sad. Even more so than your shameful coloring… and your feminine points that, I'm sure, were once unwanted.

Now that that has been said, I suppose I shall continue with what I had originally intended to write. (By the way, now that Freeza has lost his mind completely, I hereby replace him as Most Evil Bastard in Hell. He can have a new title. "Miss Strawberry Pocky" might be considered.) My efforts to turn good are completely nonexistent, and I am now able to say that Undine officially has no effect on me.

Unlike Freeza, Cell didn't wake up that morning. Even if he was biomechanical, he was still an android and had no need for sleep. His nights were spent enjoying the peace and quiet while the other ghosts – who probably didn't need it either – were sleeping. (Raditz and Zarbon were among the few exceptions, but what they do at night will be saved for a later chapter…) Cell also tended to plot at night. One of his favorite things to scheme was the downfall of the Anonymous Association, home of Villains Anonymous, Sidekicks Anonymous, and Self-Proclaimed Bishounen Anonymous, among hundreds of others. (Zarbon, while no longer in Villains Anonymous, remained in SPBA… as well as the other SPBA: Self-Proclaimed Bishoujo Anonymous.) So far none of Cell's plans had worked, but he wasn't about to give up. He'd give anything to get rid of those pesky cat-girls.

His latest plot still needed some development (Get it? Plot development? Hm, this story sure could use some…), so he got up and began pacing… all the way around Hell. Three times.

I must admit, I quite dislike the American dubbers' version of Hell. "Home for Infinite Losers" is not a place I'd want to live (not that I'm really "living" here). It's just plain insulting.

He ignored Zarbon and Raditz, who had seemingly gotten bored of the tango and were trying to get the other ghosts to square dance with them. Freeza, apparently Pocky-high, had joined them.

Those three, though, would be absolutely perfect for the Home for Infinite Losers. In fact, the Anonymous Association should start another club: Infinite Losers Anonymous.

With his hands clapped over his ears, Cell began to walk faster, trying not to wonder when the Ginyu Force had become a band. When the sound had finally faded, he slowed down and sighed. They would've made fine allies, despite the poses…

He was still plotting when Undine approached him, dashing forward. Cell's tail twitched when she started shouting gleefully in her high-pitched cat-girl voice. Undine's eyes began to resemble satellite dishes as she got ready to pounce. Cell considered moving out of her way, or maybe even blowing her up, but then remembered that his tail was rather… pointed. So he just crossed his arms and waited for the shriek that inevitably came.

"Owwie!" Undine shrieked, nursing her paws. "Your tail is mean, bug!"

What kind of nickname is "bug"? I'm not that much like an insect. I'm more Namekian than insect…

Cell shrugged. "I never asked to have a sharp tail. And it's not like I invited you to attack it."

"Aw, that was just a friendly glomp…"

"That was not a glomp. That was a pounce."

"Yeah, so? I do it to everybody…"

"Well, the people here in Hell aren't exactly warm and cuddly," Cell muttered. "I guess you got transferred from Heaven when people started complaining about your violent tendencies…"

"I'm just being cute."

"You are not cute. Now, did you stop me for a reason or did you just feel like impaling yourself on my tail?"

"Oh, right." She dug around in her bag. "Um, let's see. Oh, here it is…" She took out a book labeled "Villains Anonymous". "You've been here… almost ten years, right?"

"That's right."

"So how come you haven't changed at all?"

Cell raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure you want to know?"

"Of course!"

"It's because I don't eat and cannot be bribed into turning good by being fed poisoned Pocky."

"It's not drugged, you idiot, it's just really good. Oh, wait…" She flipped a page in the book. "Ah, you absorb things through your tail – "

"Not things. People. I absorb people."

"…By stabbing them."

"Yes."

"Cell, that's just gross. But what would happen if I shoved a stick of Pocky up your – "

"Oh, don't even go there, you little cat-eared brat!" Cell roared. "That is absolutely disgusting!"

"Well, what would happen? If I forced you to eat the Pocky, then – "

"Technically, absorption isn't like eating. I wouldn't be able to taste it, and that is, of course, why they like Pocky."

Undine stared at him. "…No way," she whispered, frantically turning pages in the book. "There must be a way to make you good. There must!"

"There isn't. So just give up and stop following me around." Cell smirked triumphantly as Undine shoved the book into her bag and stormed away.

She has been defeated, by one person at least. Never again will I have to put up with her high-pitched voice, her enormous eyes, her disgustingly adorable cat-ears and tail… I'm free from Villains Anonymous, leaving me to deal with the Infinite Losers.

But Undine and the Anonymous Association (I wonder how you might abbreviate "association"? Just wondering…) are only about half of the annoyances here in Hell. The Infinite Losers make up another quarter. The remaining one-fourth is Hell itself – there are random boulders and such that will fall from the "sky" (we all know it's the bastards in Heaven who are dropping them on us to see how fast we can run) and earthquakes that open up gorges that swallow people and then close on them – two hours later they'll be spit out of a geyser in the middle of this lake. It's rather amusing to watch as long you're not the one being swallowed and spit out. You're also chewed up along the way…

Today I had a rather… interesting day. I'd call it "hair-raising" but I have no hair…

It all began when rocks of various sizes began raining from the sky. Cell didn't feel particularly threatened, since whenever one happened to fall near him he would simply sidestep it and continue on his way, completely ignoring the ghosts around him who got smashed or caught. Since they couldn't die (being dead already) they would simply flail any exposed limbs and hope that someone a little nicer than Cell (and slightly more attentive than the Infinite Losers) happened to pass by to free them.

He was actually quite amused by this, and eventually settled down in the shade of a tree at the edge of a falling-rock-prone field that just so happened to be the meeting place of hundreds of former members of Paranoiacs Anonymous. Cell simply sat and watched as every now and then a fist-sized rock would land on one of their heads and completely knock them out while those around them would begin looking up in an effort to prevent themselves from being knocked out as well. But of course, since it was noon, they would end up looking right into the "sun" and would have to look down again, completely unaware that mere seconds later they, too, would fall victim to the rocks.

Suddenly a massive shadow fell over the field. Everyone looked up to see a massive boulder falling directly at them. Realizing that it would land on his current resting spot, Cell got up and began to move out of its way, but the mob of ghosts in the field went into a panic and were running in random directions. They were right in Cell's way, so he decided to just fly over them. But he leapt a little too high and hit his head on the falling boulder.

"Holy crap!" he yelled, falling back down. He got to his feet and rubbed his head, then realized that he was still in danger. With no ghosts in his way, he ran – but the boulder landed right behind him.

On his tail.

You haven't felt pain until a boulder has been dropped on your tail and is crushing over half of it. And for those bizarre freaks out there who don't want to take my word for it – we all know who they are – you're fools and I hope you choke to death on your Pocky. Or, since you're all dead, I hope your eyes get gouged out. By your Pocky. Or a spoon. Spoons, I've been told, can be very painful when used to dig eyes or hearts out. But I'd bet my life (uh… I'm dead…) that it wouldn't hurt nearly as much as having a boulder dropped on your tail.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!!" he screamed. "My tail! My tail! My taaaiiil!!"

He tried to turn around to lift the boulder or roll it away, but his tail hurt too much.

"Shhhiii – take mushrooms!" he added at the last possible second. "It really sucks being biomechanical! I hate being able to feel pain!" He tried to lift up his wings to blow up the boulder from behind, but it was too close and his wings were trapped. "Aw, crap." For the next twenty minutes he tried to twist and turn to get a clear view of the damn rock so he could blow it up, but it was no use – if the rock didn't get in the way, his massive shoulders or wings or the base of his tail would.

The Infinite Losers (the author has officially fallen in love with that term…) came by then. Or, rather, they waltzed by, in two of the most bizarre pairings ever to grace DBZ yaoi fics: Raditz/Freeza and Zarbon/Jeice.

I can't believe I had to witness that. Freeza, can I have some Pocky? I'd like to gouge my eyes out so I never have to see that again…

"O-ho-ho-ho!" Freeza cackled. "Did the poor bug-man get stuck?"

"Don't laugh, you stupid purple icehole."

The Infinite Losers paused and blinked – one of those typical anime shots where the eyes turn into little black dots and the characters are adorably SD – you know what I'm talking about (but could Freeza possibly be drawn like that?).

"Um…" Jeice stepped over to Cell. "Isn't that supposed to be 'asshole'?"

"Well, yeah," Cell said, "but I was trying to avoid swearing in this chapter. Besides, I didn't want to offend His Prissiness over there. And in case you didn't notice, it's also a bit of a joke. See, his name is Freeza… Freeza, freeze, ice, icehole…" Freeza pretended not to hear him… or the other Infinite Losers (none of them, by the way, know that they're being called Infinite Losers).

"Oh yeah, and 'bastard' doesn't count as a swear?" Jeice countered after recovering from his little giggle-fit. (Yes. He giggles now. You should hear Zarbon…)

Raditz nodded. "And what about 'crap'?"

"Gah, crap doesn't count, moron. And bastard, well – I admit, bastard's pushing it."

"And, and what about – " Freeza flailed his arm, pointing accusingly at Cell while trying to think of something else to accuse him of. "Hell! You keep saying Hell! Hell's a swear!"

Raditz leaned over. "Dude," he whispered, "we can't help that. It just so happens that Hell is the name of where we are."

"Yeah," Cell growled. "I guess you could call it 'Jigoku' too, but those are really the only names you could call it while being stuck here."

"Hn!" Freeza snorted. "So are you going to get yourself unstuck now or what?"

"…I guess you weren't here to witness it, but I've been trying for half an hour. So, Mr. Goody-Goody, are you going to help me?"

I know, I know, it's really not like me to ask for help, but I was trapped. Under a rock. By my tail.

Freeza smirked wickedly, having retained some of his evilness. "And what will I get if I do?"

"What will you get? Hm," Cell muttered, "let me think. You'll get on Undine's good side is what you'll get. And isn't that why you've been doing all that dancing and whatnot with your pals there?"

"Actually," Freeza said, "it's quite fun. That's why I do it. Almost as fun as blowing up planets on a whim, or committing genocide in the blink of an eye, or being able to humiliate Vegeta…" His eyes glazed over, and he was lost for a moment in some reverie. "Besides," he said after a moment, "if I do this stuff, I actually get rewarded."

"…With Pocky."

"Yeah!" the Infinite Losers cried fangirlishly. "Pocky rules!"

Rules what? The lives of insane, bishounen-obsessed, Pocky-high fangirls who write bizarre fanfiction that totally parodies every character that has happened to catch their eye? …Don't answer that.

"Oh, just get out of here," Cell hissed, "because even if I can't blow up this damn rock, I have a clear view of you freaks."

"Ooh!" Raditz shrieked. "I'm sooo scared! The big mean bug man's gonna blow me up!"

I am so sick of being compared to an insect. It's Namek blood, okay? Namek, dammit! Not that being part mollusk is any better…

"Oh, that's it." Cell flicked a small energy sphere at Raditz that did nothing but light his hair on fire.

"AAAAAAAAHHH!!" Raditz screamed. "My haaair! Nooo! It's buuurniiing!!"

Jeice leapt out of the way. "Whoa! Stay back, man! You'll catch my hair on fire too!"

Zarbon watched Raditz run off screaming in search of water. "Maybe we should give him a hand," he said to Jeice. They both went flying after Raditz, whose hair was creating a good deal of smoke.

That, though, is quite amusing. I wouldn't mind seeing that every day or so.

"So," Freeza said, smirking. "You gonna get yourself out of there or not?"

"Didn't you hear me? I've been trying."

"Well, you can regenerate, can't you…?" He grinned.

Cell's eyes narrowed. "What are you suggesting…?"

"Well, you could always pull your tail off and then regrow it…"

"Dude!" Cell roared. "Do you have any idea what you're suggesting? You have a tail! You know what it's like! Having your tail crushed is like getting kicked in the balls. And now you're suggesting I rip the thing off!?"

That's just sick. Sick, sick, sick. What in the name of all that is evil could be going through that purple moron's head!? He wouldn't even speak of such a thing before he had Pocky shoved down his throat. Disgusting…

"Well," Freeza said, turning to leave, "if you're not going to accept my advice…"

"I never asked for advice, I asked for help. But if advice is all you're going to give, then go away."

"How about this…" Slightly disappointed that Cell hadn't reacted the way he'd hoped, Freeza came back. "If you join us at our next square dance, I'll push the boulder off."

"Freeza," Cell said solemnly, "I'd tell you to go to hell, but we happen to be here already."

"I'm really tempted to pull your tail off myself."

"Go ahead. See what happens to your Pocky stash."

"…No!" Freeza shrieked. "You wouldn't! Not my precious Pocky!"

"Get out of my sight or I'll blow up its source too."

"Not Undine!"

"Yes… Undine."

"But she's the only one who gives out Strawberry Pocky!"

"I guess you'd better go away then."

"…Cell," Freeza announced, "you suck!" And then he flew off after his fellow Infinite Losers.

Cell sighed and glanced over his shoulder again at the boulder that held him still. "Damn rocks," he muttered. Then he looked up. "And where are they coming from!?"

"Actually, they stopped about the time you got hit," said a particular silver-haired bad guy who was most unfortunately killed at the end of the game in which he starred. Sephiroth smirked as he approached.

"Oh yeah? So who cares? I'm still stuck… What do you want, anyway?"

"Nothing." Sephiroth pushed the boulder off of Cell's tail. "Just wanted to help you out. Kind of a gift from one badass to another."

"Ugh… oh, my poor tail," Cell muttered. It was completely bent out of shape. "…Thanks."

"No problem," Seph said. "I couldn't just leave you like that. I mean, nobody who insults Freeza deserves to be stuck under a boulder. Besides, it's nice to see that you're resisting the Anonymous Association. For a while I thought I was the only one."

"How do you get out of those forced meetings?" Cell asked, amazed. He knew of Sephiroth and his evilness but had never seen him at the Villains Anonymous meetings that were forced upon them, and so he had assumed that even the great One-Winged Angel had succumbed to their Pocky bribes.

"Well, you know those cat-girls… they bear a striking resemblance to fangirls, which means that they have a weakness for hot bad guys. And since the Anonymous Association is run almost completely by fangirls…"

"…They all fell in love with you and let you do whatever you want."

"Exactly." Sephiroth smirked and tossed his hair. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I was about to set a few bombs around the Anonymous Association headquarters. Have fun insulting Freeza," he called over his shoulder.

"Dammit," Cell muttered. "I wish it was that easy for me."

And that was my day. I got stuck under a rock, annoyed by the Infinite Losers, and bested by a legend. I don't really understand Sephiroth's nickname, though. If he's an angel, why is he in Hell?

Oh, and just to warn you all, I'm in a really bad mood and will probably be that way for several days. I saw something that made me want to blow up all of Hell. (But then I'd be stuck in Pyromaniacs Anonymous…)

After Sephiroth freed me, I noticed that something was written on the boulder under which I'd been trapped. And, looking around, I saw that it was scratched into every other rock that had fallen from the sky. The message on the rocks said: "Happy Tenth Anniversary, Cell. –Goku"

I hate that Saiyan freak. Taking the time to celebrate the tenth anniversary of my humiliating defeat at the hands of his brat of a son. And by throwing hundreds of rocks into Hell, each one inscribed with his little message… Someday I will find my way to him, and I will make his afterlife absolutely miserable…

But before I gouge his eyes out with a spoon, I'll make sure that the last thing he sees is Raditz and Freeza doing the tango…

– Cell


(Agent Undine's Note: Beware, fellow agents. Cell's tail is painfully sharp. And somehow I don't think that it'll be any less dangerous now that it's been crushed. Fear him, agents. Fear the angry bug man.)

(CELL SUCKS. – Freeza.)

(Cell's a stinkbug! – Raditz.)

(Cell's afraid of Undine's ears! – Jeice.)

(Undine's cute! – Zarbon.)

(Zarbon looks like a woman. – Undine.)


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(A/N: Wasn't that fun? Yes. Yes it was. Now review it! Please!? And I'd like your opinions on whether or not Sephy should come back. Or maybe another character from a completely different series? Go ahead and make suggestions, I haven't started on the third chapter yet. Just remember that they have to be bad enough to go to Hell... and dead. Oh, and it helps big-time if I know who they are. Okay? And, also, I wanna know who I should write the next chapter about. One of the Infinite Losers, maybe? I dunno. Anyways, thanks for reading! Expect more as soon as I know what to write about!! ^^)