Chapter VII
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Bang! said a door enthusiastically from somewhere in the near vicinity of Lord Vader's kitchen.
"Lord Vader!" The raised voice of a young man echoed across the kitchen. "Lord Vader! Bad news!"
From deep in the bowls of the Dark Lord's Greenhouse there came an ominous rumble.
"Who are you," Lord Vader bellowed, "and why do you disturb my gardening?"
"Well.well." the young man stammered. "First of all, I'm Admiral Sweeney, sir, and second of all, the C. C. somehow found the Walkers before it found our emissaries and dropped the root vegetable with them. They're in Greece already, and it will only be a matter of time before they get past old Polyphemus. If they destroy that root vegetable, we'll have only five left prepared in this world. The Parsnip is already used, sir, and no one knows where all the little accidents are scattered. We're doomed."
"Doomed, are we?" Lord Vader roared. There was the wed thud of a bag of potting soil hitting the floor. He was clearly in a bad mood, even for a Dark Lord of the Sith. "Thanks for telling me that useful bit of information. Get out of here now, you're disturbing my turnips."
"Lord Vader-"
"Go!"
"Dear Master-"
"GO! MY TURNIPS ARE HUNGRY!!!!"
There was another demonic roar, and something heavy came flying out of the greenhouse door, striking Shnibbidy Bob Joe's refrigerator with the earthy crash of shattering terra cotta. Lord Vader must be very angry, to be chucking flowerpots around. He treasured flowerpots. The Admiral emitted a terrified squeal and ducked out of the door, desperate to escape the Dark Lord's wrath.
When he was gone, Lord Vader let out a long sigh. "Now then," he whispered. "Now then, my turnips, my precious, precious turnips."
Shnibbidy Bob Joe hastily lifted his pen from the paper. A large blue inkblot had formed over the course of the Dark Lord's conversation.
"Welcome to the Flying Walkman!" Odysseus beamed as he opened the tiny door of the tiny captain's cabin, perched high in the boat's stern. "She's a beautiful ship, isn't she?"
There was a moment's silence as everyone tried to figure out how they were all going to cram inside the 2-meter-cubic cabin.
"What's a walkman?" Aragorn asked finally.
Odysseus smiled even wider. Aragorn wondered if he was physically capable of frowning.
"Oh, you'll soon find out, my dear King," he chuckled. "Wait until you go after the vegetable in 2001. I assume you are the King," he added, eyeing Aragorn up and down, "seeing as you are the only one in this party with a sword?"
Aragorn grimaced.
"I am currently heir to the throne of Gondor, back where I belong," he growled. "I have also been mistaken for some British King Arthur tramp, although I am no relation to the man. Two kingdoms is more than I want, thank you very much."
"Oh dear," said Odysseus, the smile on his face wavering not an inch. "I do hope you manage to get the kingdom thing resolved. I assure you, you will not have the same problem in ancient Greece. People know who their kings are here."
"They had better." Aragorn let his hand drift menacingly toward the hilt of his sword, just in case some ancient Greek commoner was watching, and getting ideas.
Odysseus smiled.
"Well, then, folks," he began briskly. "Let's all pile into the cabin and I'll see us off. We've been waiting for a while, and I think the men will be eager to hit the high seas again. Isn't that right, men?" he called over his shoulder.
A chorus of very loud, wet raspberries provided a clearer response then words ever could.
As the great philosopher Seaborgium once said, "A raspberry is worth a thousand words, a fart two thousand, and a slap in the face a number immeasurable." The great philosopher Seaborgium had a handy phrase for just about any situation.
Aragorn, however, being from Roughly Central Earth, had no idea who the great philosopher Seaborgium was, and as this chapter is told from Aragorn's perspective, the previous two sentences never happened. Understood, readers? The sentences don't exist. Wooo. you are getting very sleepy.and I am getting very off topic so forget the hypnotism, I was never very good at it anyway.
At any rate, Odysseus once more had met a less-than-enthusiastic reaction from his crew, and it was making Aragorn rather nervous. The last thing he needed was for a lot of burly men in lionskin briefs to initiate a mutiny on the ship. He hoped Odysseus could keep them under control, because mutinies, generally speaking, involved a great deal of violence, and Aragorn didn't like getting chopped at very much.
Besides, what if the crew won and.chose him to be leader?
The thought was too terrible even to contemplate. Aragorn hastily put his brain on autopilot.
"Well, boys," Odysseus bellowed jovially at his crew. "You're going to be eager to set sail, because I said you are! So hurry up and square the main yard, we're headin' out onto the wine-dark Aegean! Move those feet, hurry now!"
The load of men glanced unenthusiastically at each other, then reluctantly got up and began hauling on ropes. The ship squeaked in protest as its mast was tugged from side to side by the Greek supermen.
Now Odysseus turned back to the six Walkers.
"Well, folks, I guess we'll be heading into the cabin now. From what Beatrice tells me, we're going to have a lot of explaining to do. Ladies first."
He executed a courteous bow to Leia, who didn't seem to notice anything, as she was energetically lip-synching along to "Penny Lane." Han shoved her in the small of the back, and she stumbled through the cabin door with an oath that Aragorn suspected hadn't been written into the lyrics. Of course, the whole apparatus attached to her head puzzled him- how could you listen to music without instruments?-but he knew enough about music to know that you just didn't say that sort of thing.
Han followed Leia through the door, emitting an equally vindictive curse as the puce cuff of his sweater got caught on a protruding nail. SOS- 180 chirped, "Oh, what pleasant accommodations. Kill," and clanked through after him, apparently crashing into Han, who apparently crashed into Leia, who apparently crashed onto the bunk inside, bringing the others down with her.
Beatrice rolled his eyes and followed them into the dark interior, jerking SOS off of Han and Han off of Leia. The two humans stumbled around in the dark for places to sit, while SOS switched on his infrared vision and speedily found a nice corner to stand in. Beatrice plopped into a small desk chair while Leia and Han sat on the edge of the bed. Aragorn didn't see many other places to sit in the room, and nudged Luke, deciding he didn't have much to lose by playing the gentleman.
"Hey, Luke." Luke continued to stare off into space, his hand in his pockets, humming quietly. "Luke. Into the cabin."
"Hmm?" Luke jumped and spun around to face him. "You have lemon juice?-oh." His face fell. "Oh yes. The cabin. That's right."
He strode sheepishly through the door and promptly sat on Beatrice.
Aragorn looked back at the crew hauling on ropes to raise the sails, looked sideways at the perpetually smiling Odysseus, and walked into the cabin, deciding that he would have to play along with the quest for a little while, before he could make a break for it. Everyone here was clearly unbalanced, and possibly dangerous.
Oh, and you're perfectly sane, aren't you, Lord of Gondor, said the little man in his head with a very nasty grin.
Aragorn sat down on the edge of a tiny desk and waited.
Then the door shut with a bang, and the room was plunged into total darkness.
Leia shrieked and nervously cranked up the volume on her headset.
Then there was utter silence, deep, impenetrable, as full of mystic potential as the silence before the world. Except that the Creator Deity, while in the process of creating the universe, likely did not possess a headset that loudly blared the tune to "Eleanor Rigby"
Then, at last, Beatrice's deep, ominous voice shattered the emptiness, chilling the hearts of the Walkers and at the same time setting alight the pride and mystic promise which lurked deep within them, causing all to break out in a fearful sweat and frantically try to remember the order in which you stopped, dropped, and rolled.
"Behold!" he rumbled, "It has come to a head! The boiling point has been reached, the fat is in the fire, and the shit has hit the fan. In short, the world is going down the toilet."
"Oh," said Han from somewhere off in the darkness.
Luke's Snicker Clock ran out again. "And so it is time," Beatrice continued mysteriously, "to gird our loins, hitch up our trousers, and rise to the fight, because the day of reckoning has come."
Aragorn frowned.
"You, my friends-" here he stared piercingly around the gathering, a rather pointless act, as the room was pitch-black-"are to be the champions in this endeavor. It will be your job to travel between times here on earth to recover the Six Great Root Vegetables, which the Dark Lord of the Death Star has hidden until the time is ripe for a terrible assault on the Universe! One we have already, thanks to the Communist Cat. The Parsnip of Doom lies on the Grecian field, withered and useless, one blow to the Dark Lord's power. But while the other five remain, no one is safe, for Lord Vader shall only hold off the assault until he finds the Seed of the Master Turnip and brings about the dread plant's second rise! You are the Universe's only hope!"
Several people coughed and snorted at once. Beatrice emitted an indignant sniff.
Aragorn groaned and dropped his head to his knees. This sounded exactly like what Gandalf had said when he first persuaded him to leave good old Rivendell and go adventuring, and remarkably similar to the words of the batty old wizard of King Arthur's company. He hated quests. And as quests went, this one didn't even sound particularly heroic. Parsnip of Doom? Master Turnip? Honestly. Life was not looking good. He wondered if he should just whack them all over the head and run.
Oh. They were on a ship. In the middle of the ocean.
Right.
Forget that idea.
Meanwhile, someone was shifting uncomfortably in the corner.
"All right, you've told us a lot of gibberish about what we're supposed to be doing," Leia said slowly. "Now would you mind telling us what on earth the Great Root Vegetables, the Seed of the Master Turnip, the Parsnip of Doom, etc. are? We are only mortals after all, not..divinely.handsome.Ancient people." Sigh. WHACK! Leia's voice promptly returned. "and are not versed in the lore or whatever of the ages or whatever.Oh, Great Ringo, I seem to have completely forgotten what I was going to say."
"COME ON, LEIA," Han snapped. "You can't even see him in the dark."
Beatrice sighed, whether from exasperation at their ignorance or exasperation at Leia's swoony mindlessness. It appeared he was trying to politely ignore that latter, however, because the eerie tone of his voice had a rather forced quality when he next spoke.
"Very well. I did not expect you to know all the secrets of the Elder Days at our first meeting. Fortunately I am prepared. Odysseus! Roll the cameras!"
Odysseus's cheerful baritone voice echoed from somewhere to Aragorn's right.
"Hey Jeeves! Roll the cameras!"
There was a loud crack, and Jeeves the Mysterious Glowing Butler appeared in the middle of the room. He twirled his luminous moustache once, bowed elegantly to the company, and pressed a little red button on a strange black apparatus revealed suddenly in his glow. Then, like an immensely coordinated bloom of dinoflagellates, he bowed again and vanished.
Aragorn jumped and peered intently at the black box. Jeeves the Glowing Butler wasn't that much of a spectacle by Roughly Central Earth standards, but the black box was another thing entirely. It was now making a weird thrumming noise, and lights were beginning to flicker inside of it. He had never seen anything remotely similar to it on Roughly Central Earth, and he had seen a lot of strange things. He wondered what it did.
Then, unexpectedly, a large pull-down screen on the facing wall lit up with the image of a big black-armored hand, in the palm of which rested a glowing turnip.
Then, incredibly, the picture began to move. Tiny words scrawled across the screen, in very untidy script: The History of the Universe, part 3.14.Etcetera.
And now, a powerful voice shook the tiny captain's cabin from roof to deck, apparently coming from the same black box. The voice was female, with a heavy English accent, very melodious yet somehow piercing. Earth- folk would immediately have identified the voice as Cate Blanchette, but as none of the company had been on Earth for a long time (if at all) no one made the distinction.
Aragorn was about to open his mouth and ask about the black box, but Luke elbowed him in the thigh and hissed, "Shut up, it's speaking."
"In the glorious days of Spreehinkle," the voice whispered mysteriously, "when all of the universe was fair and bright, the young Lord Vader bethought of himself to take a wife. His cosmic eyes scanned the width of the newborn universe and lighted upon Kitty Bennet, a beautiful Ancient maiden from the tiny backwater world of Earth."
Leia sniffed indignantly here, and was quickly shushed by Han.
"Alas, she had no heart to see the truth of Lord Vader's love, and after rejecting his proposal fled to what would later become England. There she solemnly devoted her life to fainting, and reportedly raised five daughters with a mortal man several millennia later." "At this the benevolent spirit of Lord Vader was broken. Wroth at the lady's refusal, he retreated to the dark Caves of Caveus and began there his transformation from kindly king to monster. In the pitch black of the Caves he began to tamper with ancient spells, and weave nets of evil about himself and the caves. Little is known of what passed between his disappearance and his second rise, but whatever it was proved to the Universe terrible. For he emerged from the darkness as the Dark Lord, a terrible black-armored specter with only a single aim left in his twisted heart: Universal Domination."
"He began a series of assaults on all the bastions of happiness in the universe, looking to satisfy his own greed. At first the men of the worlds withstood him easily, as he was yet new-formed and not as powerful. But soon, might began to take its toll, and world after world began to fall to his armies of monstrous bats and bloodsucking umpires. The darkest days were approaching. And just when it seemed that matters could grow no worse, the unthinkable happened. Lord Vader, the deceiver, created six Great Root Vegetables, which could open the paths between planes and dimensions to loose all manner of unknown evil on the universe. He gave these in disguise to the Lords of the Galaxy: Three to Whelk-kind, and Three to Men. They took them unquestioningly, thinking them some glorious weapon which could restore the forces of good to the Universe."
"But they were all of them deceived. For another Vegetable was made."
"Deep in the dark greenhouses of Nûdûl-Zoop, the Lord Vader fastidiously tended a great turnip plant. Carefully it was cultivated, pruned and fertilized, until it grew to a monstrous size. And then, when it was ready, Lord Vader sprayed upon it the Fertilizer of Doom, which enabled it to open the pathways of time and completely ruin the universal order. This Vegetable also controlled the Six Lesser Vegetables, and so twisted the rulers of Man and Whelk to its will. This was the Master Turnip, feared above all other evil forces in the universe."
"Thus all despaired, for it seemed the universe was at its end, come under the dread dominion of the Dark Lord. But just as all hope was fading, and all lights going out, the armies of Whelks and Men joined forces for one last, desperate fight. They met on the Plain of Pudding, on Vuebegon Seven, and there battled with Lord Vader ferociously for the fate of the universe. For once, it seemed that victory might be near, as the terrible bloodsucking umpires fell in droves to the flashing cookware of Men and the crushing bivalves of Whelks. But then the Dark Lord emerged slowly from his dark pickup truck, brandishing the Master Turnip on high, and began to recite the dread spell that would tear all the dimensions of the universe in two, ending all the worlds."
"Then it was that Wellenforf the Wriggly, Lord of Vuebegon, took up his father's frying pan and attacked the Dark Lord, striking from the black- armored fist the Master Turnip. Then, with composure of which second-rate lounge musicians still sing, he decided he was hungry, picked up the Master Turnip, and ate it."
"Though he suffered severe indigestion for weeks afterward, the Universe was saved. The Dark Lord was driven back to the Caves of Caveus along with his umpire minions, helpless without the Master Turnip. The other Great Root Vegetables were promptly found and destroyed, and so ended the glorious Age of Spreehinkle, with the good victorious once again."
"But the signs have been read by telephone psychics everywhere, and it is inevitable that the Dark Lord shall rise again, greater and more terrible than ever before. And he shall renew the Fertilizer of Doom, and once more create the Six, and then go on quest for the Seed of the Master Turnip, lost somewhere in the nether reaches of the Universe. And then the only force to stand against him shall be the Nine point Seven Five Walkers, the chosen maniacs, who must find the Vegetables before he does, and destroy them."
"And that is this week's episode of The History of the Universe. Tune in next week for "How the Whelks first came to power," and a special report on the movement's of Vuebegon's current King-errant, Wellenforf the Grooge, as he putters about doing random deeds on Earth."
The black box emitted some tinkly music as the voice finished, and an icon comprising the letters PBS appeared on the screen. A pleasant male voice said, "The History of the Universe is sponsored in part by viewers like you," and then the black box shut itself off with another loud whir.
Inside the tiny cabin, there was a dead silence, followed by a live silence, followed by a silence in a coma.
Aragorn was still gaping at the black box, wondering how it possibly could have made all those pictures on the screen move. He had heard the commentary too, of course, but he had heard that sort of thing before on Roughly Central Earth, and he had had a general idea of what the voice was going to say before it even started speaking. But the moving pictures coming out of a box.that was something else entirely."
"I think," said Beatrice from somewhere to his left. "Our friend the King has just had his first look at a movie projector."
Odysseus chuckled from somewhere to his right. "So I would say, Beatrice. He looks rather like a giant codfish, wouldn't you say, with his mouth open like that?"
Aragorn scowled and quickly shut his mouth, and was about to ask how the projector worked before he realized that it was pitch-dark in the cabin, and that the Ancients could not possibly have seen his mouth open.
This, too, he decided not to ask about. It was safer that way.
More silence. Then,
"So we have to find these dimension-messing Root Vegetables and destroy them before the Dark Lord can use them?" Luke said uncertainly.
"Right you are," Odysseus confirmed. "Find them and kill the things guarding them, then chop them up and fry them. That's the only way to destroy them. Then, of course, you'll have to find the Seed of the Master Turnip and destroy it before the Dark Lord can grow a second ultimate vegetable, then find his hidden stash of the Fertilizer of Doom and destroy it. The latter will be perhaps your most important and most difficult task, as no one knows where the Fertilizer of Doom is kept. But once the Fertilizer is destroyed, we will have no more need to fear the Dark Lord. His powers will be broken."
"Great Ringo," Leia whispered, sounding very faint. "Great Paul, Great John, Great George, lend me strength."
"So we have to do all three of these things before we can slope off into the sunset again?" Han grumbled. "Sounds a bloody lot of work and long hours."
"That," said Beatrice sternly, "is what being a legend is all about. Yes, of course you have to do all three things. You are the Nine and Three Quarters!"
Suddenly the door was flung open, and the bright Aegean sunlight poured into the room, blinding everyone. Beatrice and Odysseus stood heroically in the doorway silhouetted against the light amidst a swarm of green and magenta blotches.
"The Company has set sail!" they cried in unison. A very tinny toy trumpet fanfare sounded behind them.
Aragorn groaned and buried his face in his hands. This was going to be a very, very long book.
TO ALL MY REVIEWERS: I LOVE you people!!!! Thank you so much for taking the time to comment! A huge hug and an oatmeal cookie to everyone!
I apologize for all the long delays between chapters as well. I try to get as much done as I can, but seventh grade has brought way more reports and four hours of homework a night, so I don't have as much time. Luckily it's spring break now, and summer's on its way. Phew.
One last note: this story has taken a bit of a swing towards the Lord of the Rings side as well as the Star Wars (stories run away with me frequently) so I'm thinking of relocating it in the crossovers section. I'll see how things go.
One more hug to everybody! May the blessings of Shnibbidy be with you all!
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Bang! said a door enthusiastically from somewhere in the near vicinity of Lord Vader's kitchen.
"Lord Vader!" The raised voice of a young man echoed across the kitchen. "Lord Vader! Bad news!"
From deep in the bowls of the Dark Lord's Greenhouse there came an ominous rumble.
"Who are you," Lord Vader bellowed, "and why do you disturb my gardening?"
"Well.well." the young man stammered. "First of all, I'm Admiral Sweeney, sir, and second of all, the C. C. somehow found the Walkers before it found our emissaries and dropped the root vegetable with them. They're in Greece already, and it will only be a matter of time before they get past old Polyphemus. If they destroy that root vegetable, we'll have only five left prepared in this world. The Parsnip is already used, sir, and no one knows where all the little accidents are scattered. We're doomed."
"Doomed, are we?" Lord Vader roared. There was the wed thud of a bag of potting soil hitting the floor. He was clearly in a bad mood, even for a Dark Lord of the Sith. "Thanks for telling me that useful bit of information. Get out of here now, you're disturbing my turnips."
"Lord Vader-"
"Go!"
"Dear Master-"
"GO! MY TURNIPS ARE HUNGRY!!!!"
There was another demonic roar, and something heavy came flying out of the greenhouse door, striking Shnibbidy Bob Joe's refrigerator with the earthy crash of shattering terra cotta. Lord Vader must be very angry, to be chucking flowerpots around. He treasured flowerpots. The Admiral emitted a terrified squeal and ducked out of the door, desperate to escape the Dark Lord's wrath.
When he was gone, Lord Vader let out a long sigh. "Now then," he whispered. "Now then, my turnips, my precious, precious turnips."
Shnibbidy Bob Joe hastily lifted his pen from the paper. A large blue inkblot had formed over the course of the Dark Lord's conversation.
"Welcome to the Flying Walkman!" Odysseus beamed as he opened the tiny door of the tiny captain's cabin, perched high in the boat's stern. "She's a beautiful ship, isn't she?"
There was a moment's silence as everyone tried to figure out how they were all going to cram inside the 2-meter-cubic cabin.
"What's a walkman?" Aragorn asked finally.
Odysseus smiled even wider. Aragorn wondered if he was physically capable of frowning.
"Oh, you'll soon find out, my dear King," he chuckled. "Wait until you go after the vegetable in 2001. I assume you are the King," he added, eyeing Aragorn up and down, "seeing as you are the only one in this party with a sword?"
Aragorn grimaced.
"I am currently heir to the throne of Gondor, back where I belong," he growled. "I have also been mistaken for some British King Arthur tramp, although I am no relation to the man. Two kingdoms is more than I want, thank you very much."
"Oh dear," said Odysseus, the smile on his face wavering not an inch. "I do hope you manage to get the kingdom thing resolved. I assure you, you will not have the same problem in ancient Greece. People know who their kings are here."
"They had better." Aragorn let his hand drift menacingly toward the hilt of his sword, just in case some ancient Greek commoner was watching, and getting ideas.
Odysseus smiled.
"Well, then, folks," he began briskly. "Let's all pile into the cabin and I'll see us off. We've been waiting for a while, and I think the men will be eager to hit the high seas again. Isn't that right, men?" he called over his shoulder.
A chorus of very loud, wet raspberries provided a clearer response then words ever could.
As the great philosopher Seaborgium once said, "A raspberry is worth a thousand words, a fart two thousand, and a slap in the face a number immeasurable." The great philosopher Seaborgium had a handy phrase for just about any situation.
Aragorn, however, being from Roughly Central Earth, had no idea who the great philosopher Seaborgium was, and as this chapter is told from Aragorn's perspective, the previous two sentences never happened. Understood, readers? The sentences don't exist. Wooo. you are getting very sleepy.and I am getting very off topic so forget the hypnotism, I was never very good at it anyway.
At any rate, Odysseus once more had met a less-than-enthusiastic reaction from his crew, and it was making Aragorn rather nervous. The last thing he needed was for a lot of burly men in lionskin briefs to initiate a mutiny on the ship. He hoped Odysseus could keep them under control, because mutinies, generally speaking, involved a great deal of violence, and Aragorn didn't like getting chopped at very much.
Besides, what if the crew won and.chose him to be leader?
The thought was too terrible even to contemplate. Aragorn hastily put his brain on autopilot.
"Well, boys," Odysseus bellowed jovially at his crew. "You're going to be eager to set sail, because I said you are! So hurry up and square the main yard, we're headin' out onto the wine-dark Aegean! Move those feet, hurry now!"
The load of men glanced unenthusiastically at each other, then reluctantly got up and began hauling on ropes. The ship squeaked in protest as its mast was tugged from side to side by the Greek supermen.
Now Odysseus turned back to the six Walkers.
"Well, folks, I guess we'll be heading into the cabin now. From what Beatrice tells me, we're going to have a lot of explaining to do. Ladies first."
He executed a courteous bow to Leia, who didn't seem to notice anything, as she was energetically lip-synching along to "Penny Lane." Han shoved her in the small of the back, and she stumbled through the cabin door with an oath that Aragorn suspected hadn't been written into the lyrics. Of course, the whole apparatus attached to her head puzzled him- how could you listen to music without instruments?-but he knew enough about music to know that you just didn't say that sort of thing.
Han followed Leia through the door, emitting an equally vindictive curse as the puce cuff of his sweater got caught on a protruding nail. SOS- 180 chirped, "Oh, what pleasant accommodations. Kill," and clanked through after him, apparently crashing into Han, who apparently crashed into Leia, who apparently crashed onto the bunk inside, bringing the others down with her.
Beatrice rolled his eyes and followed them into the dark interior, jerking SOS off of Han and Han off of Leia. The two humans stumbled around in the dark for places to sit, while SOS switched on his infrared vision and speedily found a nice corner to stand in. Beatrice plopped into a small desk chair while Leia and Han sat on the edge of the bed. Aragorn didn't see many other places to sit in the room, and nudged Luke, deciding he didn't have much to lose by playing the gentleman.
"Hey, Luke." Luke continued to stare off into space, his hand in his pockets, humming quietly. "Luke. Into the cabin."
"Hmm?" Luke jumped and spun around to face him. "You have lemon juice?-oh." His face fell. "Oh yes. The cabin. That's right."
He strode sheepishly through the door and promptly sat on Beatrice.
Aragorn looked back at the crew hauling on ropes to raise the sails, looked sideways at the perpetually smiling Odysseus, and walked into the cabin, deciding that he would have to play along with the quest for a little while, before he could make a break for it. Everyone here was clearly unbalanced, and possibly dangerous.
Oh, and you're perfectly sane, aren't you, Lord of Gondor, said the little man in his head with a very nasty grin.
Aragorn sat down on the edge of a tiny desk and waited.
Then the door shut with a bang, and the room was plunged into total darkness.
Leia shrieked and nervously cranked up the volume on her headset.
Then there was utter silence, deep, impenetrable, as full of mystic potential as the silence before the world. Except that the Creator Deity, while in the process of creating the universe, likely did not possess a headset that loudly blared the tune to "Eleanor Rigby"
Then, at last, Beatrice's deep, ominous voice shattered the emptiness, chilling the hearts of the Walkers and at the same time setting alight the pride and mystic promise which lurked deep within them, causing all to break out in a fearful sweat and frantically try to remember the order in which you stopped, dropped, and rolled.
"Behold!" he rumbled, "It has come to a head! The boiling point has been reached, the fat is in the fire, and the shit has hit the fan. In short, the world is going down the toilet."
"Oh," said Han from somewhere off in the darkness.
Luke's Snicker Clock ran out again. "And so it is time," Beatrice continued mysteriously, "to gird our loins, hitch up our trousers, and rise to the fight, because the day of reckoning has come."
Aragorn frowned.
"You, my friends-" here he stared piercingly around the gathering, a rather pointless act, as the room was pitch-black-"are to be the champions in this endeavor. It will be your job to travel between times here on earth to recover the Six Great Root Vegetables, which the Dark Lord of the Death Star has hidden until the time is ripe for a terrible assault on the Universe! One we have already, thanks to the Communist Cat. The Parsnip of Doom lies on the Grecian field, withered and useless, one blow to the Dark Lord's power. But while the other five remain, no one is safe, for Lord Vader shall only hold off the assault until he finds the Seed of the Master Turnip and brings about the dread plant's second rise! You are the Universe's only hope!"
Several people coughed and snorted at once. Beatrice emitted an indignant sniff.
Aragorn groaned and dropped his head to his knees. This sounded exactly like what Gandalf had said when he first persuaded him to leave good old Rivendell and go adventuring, and remarkably similar to the words of the batty old wizard of King Arthur's company. He hated quests. And as quests went, this one didn't even sound particularly heroic. Parsnip of Doom? Master Turnip? Honestly. Life was not looking good. He wondered if he should just whack them all over the head and run.
Oh. They were on a ship. In the middle of the ocean.
Right.
Forget that idea.
Meanwhile, someone was shifting uncomfortably in the corner.
"All right, you've told us a lot of gibberish about what we're supposed to be doing," Leia said slowly. "Now would you mind telling us what on earth the Great Root Vegetables, the Seed of the Master Turnip, the Parsnip of Doom, etc. are? We are only mortals after all, not..divinely.handsome.Ancient people." Sigh. WHACK! Leia's voice promptly returned. "and are not versed in the lore or whatever of the ages or whatever.Oh, Great Ringo, I seem to have completely forgotten what I was going to say."
"COME ON, LEIA," Han snapped. "You can't even see him in the dark."
Beatrice sighed, whether from exasperation at their ignorance or exasperation at Leia's swoony mindlessness. It appeared he was trying to politely ignore that latter, however, because the eerie tone of his voice had a rather forced quality when he next spoke.
"Very well. I did not expect you to know all the secrets of the Elder Days at our first meeting. Fortunately I am prepared. Odysseus! Roll the cameras!"
Odysseus's cheerful baritone voice echoed from somewhere to Aragorn's right.
"Hey Jeeves! Roll the cameras!"
There was a loud crack, and Jeeves the Mysterious Glowing Butler appeared in the middle of the room. He twirled his luminous moustache once, bowed elegantly to the company, and pressed a little red button on a strange black apparatus revealed suddenly in his glow. Then, like an immensely coordinated bloom of dinoflagellates, he bowed again and vanished.
Aragorn jumped and peered intently at the black box. Jeeves the Glowing Butler wasn't that much of a spectacle by Roughly Central Earth standards, but the black box was another thing entirely. It was now making a weird thrumming noise, and lights were beginning to flicker inside of it. He had never seen anything remotely similar to it on Roughly Central Earth, and he had seen a lot of strange things. He wondered what it did.
Then, unexpectedly, a large pull-down screen on the facing wall lit up with the image of a big black-armored hand, in the palm of which rested a glowing turnip.
Then, incredibly, the picture began to move. Tiny words scrawled across the screen, in very untidy script: The History of the Universe, part 3.14.Etcetera.
And now, a powerful voice shook the tiny captain's cabin from roof to deck, apparently coming from the same black box. The voice was female, with a heavy English accent, very melodious yet somehow piercing. Earth- folk would immediately have identified the voice as Cate Blanchette, but as none of the company had been on Earth for a long time (if at all) no one made the distinction.
Aragorn was about to open his mouth and ask about the black box, but Luke elbowed him in the thigh and hissed, "Shut up, it's speaking."
"In the glorious days of Spreehinkle," the voice whispered mysteriously, "when all of the universe was fair and bright, the young Lord Vader bethought of himself to take a wife. His cosmic eyes scanned the width of the newborn universe and lighted upon Kitty Bennet, a beautiful Ancient maiden from the tiny backwater world of Earth."
Leia sniffed indignantly here, and was quickly shushed by Han.
"Alas, she had no heart to see the truth of Lord Vader's love, and after rejecting his proposal fled to what would later become England. There she solemnly devoted her life to fainting, and reportedly raised five daughters with a mortal man several millennia later." "At this the benevolent spirit of Lord Vader was broken. Wroth at the lady's refusal, he retreated to the dark Caves of Caveus and began there his transformation from kindly king to monster. In the pitch black of the Caves he began to tamper with ancient spells, and weave nets of evil about himself and the caves. Little is known of what passed between his disappearance and his second rise, but whatever it was proved to the Universe terrible. For he emerged from the darkness as the Dark Lord, a terrible black-armored specter with only a single aim left in his twisted heart: Universal Domination."
"He began a series of assaults on all the bastions of happiness in the universe, looking to satisfy his own greed. At first the men of the worlds withstood him easily, as he was yet new-formed and not as powerful. But soon, might began to take its toll, and world after world began to fall to his armies of monstrous bats and bloodsucking umpires. The darkest days were approaching. And just when it seemed that matters could grow no worse, the unthinkable happened. Lord Vader, the deceiver, created six Great Root Vegetables, which could open the paths between planes and dimensions to loose all manner of unknown evil on the universe. He gave these in disguise to the Lords of the Galaxy: Three to Whelk-kind, and Three to Men. They took them unquestioningly, thinking them some glorious weapon which could restore the forces of good to the Universe."
"But they were all of them deceived. For another Vegetable was made."
"Deep in the dark greenhouses of Nûdûl-Zoop, the Lord Vader fastidiously tended a great turnip plant. Carefully it was cultivated, pruned and fertilized, until it grew to a monstrous size. And then, when it was ready, Lord Vader sprayed upon it the Fertilizer of Doom, which enabled it to open the pathways of time and completely ruin the universal order. This Vegetable also controlled the Six Lesser Vegetables, and so twisted the rulers of Man and Whelk to its will. This was the Master Turnip, feared above all other evil forces in the universe."
"Thus all despaired, for it seemed the universe was at its end, come under the dread dominion of the Dark Lord. But just as all hope was fading, and all lights going out, the armies of Whelks and Men joined forces for one last, desperate fight. They met on the Plain of Pudding, on Vuebegon Seven, and there battled with Lord Vader ferociously for the fate of the universe. For once, it seemed that victory might be near, as the terrible bloodsucking umpires fell in droves to the flashing cookware of Men and the crushing bivalves of Whelks. But then the Dark Lord emerged slowly from his dark pickup truck, brandishing the Master Turnip on high, and began to recite the dread spell that would tear all the dimensions of the universe in two, ending all the worlds."
"Then it was that Wellenforf the Wriggly, Lord of Vuebegon, took up his father's frying pan and attacked the Dark Lord, striking from the black- armored fist the Master Turnip. Then, with composure of which second-rate lounge musicians still sing, he decided he was hungry, picked up the Master Turnip, and ate it."
"Though he suffered severe indigestion for weeks afterward, the Universe was saved. The Dark Lord was driven back to the Caves of Caveus along with his umpire minions, helpless without the Master Turnip. The other Great Root Vegetables were promptly found and destroyed, and so ended the glorious Age of Spreehinkle, with the good victorious once again."
"But the signs have been read by telephone psychics everywhere, and it is inevitable that the Dark Lord shall rise again, greater and more terrible than ever before. And he shall renew the Fertilizer of Doom, and once more create the Six, and then go on quest for the Seed of the Master Turnip, lost somewhere in the nether reaches of the Universe. And then the only force to stand against him shall be the Nine point Seven Five Walkers, the chosen maniacs, who must find the Vegetables before he does, and destroy them."
"And that is this week's episode of The History of the Universe. Tune in next week for "How the Whelks first came to power," and a special report on the movement's of Vuebegon's current King-errant, Wellenforf the Grooge, as he putters about doing random deeds on Earth."
The black box emitted some tinkly music as the voice finished, and an icon comprising the letters PBS appeared on the screen. A pleasant male voice said, "The History of the Universe is sponsored in part by viewers like you," and then the black box shut itself off with another loud whir.
Inside the tiny cabin, there was a dead silence, followed by a live silence, followed by a silence in a coma.
Aragorn was still gaping at the black box, wondering how it possibly could have made all those pictures on the screen move. He had heard the commentary too, of course, but he had heard that sort of thing before on Roughly Central Earth, and he had had a general idea of what the voice was going to say before it even started speaking. But the moving pictures coming out of a box.that was something else entirely."
"I think," said Beatrice from somewhere to his left. "Our friend the King has just had his first look at a movie projector."
Odysseus chuckled from somewhere to his right. "So I would say, Beatrice. He looks rather like a giant codfish, wouldn't you say, with his mouth open like that?"
Aragorn scowled and quickly shut his mouth, and was about to ask how the projector worked before he realized that it was pitch-dark in the cabin, and that the Ancients could not possibly have seen his mouth open.
This, too, he decided not to ask about. It was safer that way.
More silence. Then,
"So we have to find these dimension-messing Root Vegetables and destroy them before the Dark Lord can use them?" Luke said uncertainly.
"Right you are," Odysseus confirmed. "Find them and kill the things guarding them, then chop them up and fry them. That's the only way to destroy them. Then, of course, you'll have to find the Seed of the Master Turnip and destroy it before the Dark Lord can grow a second ultimate vegetable, then find his hidden stash of the Fertilizer of Doom and destroy it. The latter will be perhaps your most important and most difficult task, as no one knows where the Fertilizer of Doom is kept. But once the Fertilizer is destroyed, we will have no more need to fear the Dark Lord. His powers will be broken."
"Great Ringo," Leia whispered, sounding very faint. "Great Paul, Great John, Great George, lend me strength."
"So we have to do all three of these things before we can slope off into the sunset again?" Han grumbled. "Sounds a bloody lot of work and long hours."
"That," said Beatrice sternly, "is what being a legend is all about. Yes, of course you have to do all three things. You are the Nine and Three Quarters!"
Suddenly the door was flung open, and the bright Aegean sunlight poured into the room, blinding everyone. Beatrice and Odysseus stood heroically in the doorway silhouetted against the light amidst a swarm of green and magenta blotches.
"The Company has set sail!" they cried in unison. A very tinny toy trumpet fanfare sounded behind them.
Aragorn groaned and buried his face in his hands. This was going to be a very, very long book.
TO ALL MY REVIEWERS: I LOVE you people!!!! Thank you so much for taking the time to comment! A huge hug and an oatmeal cookie to everyone!
I apologize for all the long delays between chapters as well. I try to get as much done as I can, but seventh grade has brought way more reports and four hours of homework a night, so I don't have as much time. Luckily it's spring break now, and summer's on its way. Phew.
One last note: this story has taken a bit of a swing towards the Lord of the Rings side as well as the Star Wars (stories run away with me frequently) so I'm thinking of relocating it in the crossovers section. I'll see how things go.
One more hug to everybody! May the blessings of Shnibbidy be with you all!
