Living Forward – Chapter 5/7

By Midnight Caller

Rated: PG-13

See chapter 1 for disclaimers and summary...

*****

Limbo.  That was how I referred to the status of my marriage.  I would say I was trying to work it out, and I would use the word I felt best described our situation: limbo. 

Limbo. 

Right. 

Is that what they call long, empty silences, quiet nights alone, raised voices followed quickly by dial tones?   

Maria and I separated on September 15th, 2002, ten years, three months and eight days after we were married.  I know it upset the girls, but so did the constant bickering, the yelling, the gelid stares that should never pass between two people who are supposed to love, honor and cherish one another.  Jesus, what the hell had happened to us?  How had I let it get this far?  There I was, packing up my clothes and the razor that's supposed to hang in the shower next to hers, all the while just trying to figure out when my life had suddenly become this raging ball of crap. 

You should have seen Hanna's face when I walked out the door with my bags; to not be able to explain what was going on just broke my heart, and my only hope was that she would someday be able to forgive me.   

My stark, empty apartment offered little condolence, except that it was closer to the Federal Building than where my wife lived with our two daughters... but not me.  "How long will you be staying?" the owner wanted to know.  I wish I'd had some kind of answer. 

What exactly do you do when you're separated?  You trade shifts taking care of your children, realizing after you give them back to your wife just how quiet your new home is without their little stories and adventures.  Kate gave me a drawing and I hung it on my refrigerator, but it didn't really make up for her not being there.  You find yourself wondering if they'll just stop smiling at you one day, if they'll start to blame you like their mother does.  You wonder if you were wrong, and there's a chance they'll eventually stop loving you like they did the day they were born. 

What else?  You try as hard as possible not to look your supposed life partner in the eye because you can't bear the thought that all it will do is remind you of the past.  And somewhere along the way, your mind wanders over the distinct possibility that you're probably headed for a divorce.  Courtrooms.  Papers.   Lawyers.  Maria is a lawyer.  I had hoped that maybe she'd just draw up the papers and I could sign them and then we could finally look at each other without trying to place blame on what was happening.  Divorce would provide closure... but I wasn't supposed to want closure; I was supposed to want a family. 

I started to wonder if anyone at work would notice or hear through the grapevine; I did work with three other Federal Investigators, after all.  What would Samantha say about this?  I couldn't tell her right away, I just had to deal with it myself first.  It slipped out one night talking to Vivian; I just needed to tell someone for some weird reason, and I figured I'd done enough lying with Maria already.  Vivian nodded her head and said she was sorry.  I didn't tell her about Samantha and me, but I wouldn't be surprised if she had put the pieces together.   

At night I'd absently flip through the channels, fooling myself into thinking that if I were to go and beg to live back in my own home, things would somehow just go back to the way they were before all this happened.  Maria would be that smiling waitress and I'd be the eager G-man and we'd try to laugh off our problems like we used to do back then. 

Did I miss her?  I don't know.  I probably should have, but I really don't know; it was somewhat of a relief to be away from her.  I guess what I really missed was the idea of her.  I missed how we used to be, how she used to make me feel, how we used to talk about the dreams we had together.  I missed being in love with her... but that's hardly the kind of feeling one just clicks back on like a light switch.       

Did she miss me?  I don't know that, either.  Maybe it was easier for her this way, easier for the girls.  Maybe my family was better off without me. 

It'd be easy for me to say I fell back into Samantha's arms because I was seeking a refuge, a distraction... and it'd be easy to say I went to her in the first place because I wanted something exciting and fresh, something younger and newer than my wife.  It'd be easy to say that, but it'd also be wrong.

I suppose I was enthralled by her energy, her vitality, the softness of her skin... but I'd hate anyone to think that I'd risk so much for just some carnal escapade.  Worse than that, simplifying our situation makes Samantha into something so much less than she really is, and that seems like a bigger crime than anything I have ever done. 

...tbc...