Chapter 33: Healing
For the next week or so, Rogue spent her time in the ward. Once again, Carol had afforded her plenty of injuries and abuse - she certainly had no problem returning her body in slightly less perfect condition. The Professor spent one day making sure that the earrings still worked, and that Carol was definitely repressed. Logan had snuck in a few days later to lend her his healing factor. Needless to say, he seemed pretty upset that she'd disobeyed him and went out after Remy. After all, look where it got her. He didn't say anything though.
After another couple days of rest, Rogue was released by Dr McCoy, and her first thought was to see Remy. It was late into the evening when she entered the room where he was kept. The Professor explained how Remy would have to be kept sedated for a time while he began the delicate process of piecing Remy's persona back together. He'd been mentally reprogrammed during his time in the FoH facility, which explained his burning desire to kill humans.
It also explained why he had hit her, Rogue mused. It had been that act which pushed her the most towards her decision to let Carol take over. She needed to get Remy back, and without Carol, she was powerless to do so.
But ever since, Rogue's dreams had been haunted by the death, blood, and gore that she had caused while under Carol's influence. She remembered seeing the blood on her hands, and the bodies of the people. Sitting in a chair next to Remy's bed, Rogue held her head in her hands and cried.
* * *
It took a couple days longer for Remy to be normal again. The Professor explained to both him and Rogue they would have to attend three therapy sessions a week, and their schooling would be continued here at the mansion. They were, essentially, under house arrest. If they were needed in an emergency he would allow them to go out with the team, but other than that, they were to stay on the premises until he pronounced them mentally sound and ready to rejoin normal society.
He didn't know when that would be. It had to be long enough to appease the politicians who'd allowed him this, and hopefully long enough for the public to forget about what happened. It could be awhile. When he was finished he said therapy was to begin tomorrow, and then excused them from his office.
Remy smiled at Rogue once they were out and asked, "Wan' ta go somewhere ta talk, p'tite?"
Rogue nodded absent mindedly, face empty and drained. How did this ever happen? She tried to think, tracing back through the events that led up to now. The Friends of Humanity. It caused her fear just to think that there was a group of people who hated her with no hesitation, and were all too ready to do what Carol had done to them..
And why had she let her loose? It seemed like the only choice at the time, but the X Men had shown up not long after Carol let her resurface. Maybe if she hadn't, they would have taken care of it, and she wouldn't be on house arrest as a 'mentally disturbed' mutant. But no. She'd done it to get Remy back, and here he was. She should have nothing to regret. She extended her arm as they walked, taking his hand in hers.
Remy squeezed her hand encouragingly - once more wearing gloves, a long sleeved shirt, jeans, and boots - and led her toward his room. Kitty, surprisingly, was leaning against his door, and grinned at the sight of them holding hands. Rogue going after Remy had been all the proof she thought she'd needed, and of course the rumors had spread like wildfire.
Remy had all ready been ribbed and congratulated, so he made no move to let go of Rogue's hand.
"It's like, good to see you guys back and healthy! And together!" She squealed with delight and gave them each a quick hug. "Why didn't you ever tell me, Rogue?"
Rogue was pulled from her reverie by Kitty's hug, forcing a smile.
"Ah guess it had somethin' ta do with the fact that Rahne and Ronnie already told me how happy they were. But ya wouldn't know anythin' about that, would ya.."
Kitty just grinned and shrugged.
"Whatever, it's been totally obvious for the longest time. Just didn't have any, like, proof, you know?" Kitty's smile faded slightly as she remembered Rogue boarding the Blackbird, bloodied and weak. "Are you feeling okay now?"
Rogue hesitated at her question confusedly before nodding head dumbly.
"Yeah, Ah'm fine."
Kitty nodded, seeming appeased for the moment. No doubt the couple wanted to be alone. She gave them another bright smile before turning to walk down the hall.
"I'll talk to you guys later! And don't be later for dinner, I'm cooking tonight!"
Remy chuckled and opened the door to his room, then ushered Rogue in and followed, the door closed behind him.
"Remy don' t'ink he'll be goin ta dinner tonight..." He chuckled again and sighed, dropping into one of his chairs. He'd missed his room. Well, for the times he'd been fully conscious, anyway, and not pumped full of drugs. "Look, chere, Remy have ta say some t'ings..."
Rogue said nothing, merely crossed the room to sit on the edge of his bed. She clasped her hands in her lap, suddenly finding them very interesting. What could he possibly have to say after all that had happened?
He took a deep breath and sighed.
"Well... Remy real sorry dat he..." He gulped. "Dat he hit yo'... He really didn' mean ta, chere... Yo' have ta believe Remy..." He bit his bottom lip quickly and blinked back tears. "An' he really thankful dat yo' save him... But he sorry he got yo' inta dat, an' made yo' do dat, even fo' him... He make a big mess of t'ings, chere..." He looked down. "He undahstand if yo' don' wan' ta be wit' Remy anymo'... He been pretty bad ta yo'..."
Rogue immediately felt the tears welling up as soon as he started speaking. She hated crying, so why couldn't she stop? She shook her head, voice small.
"Ya didn't get me into anythin'. Logan told me ta stay behind, but Ah followed anyway. Ah did it to myself. And Ah let Carol out myself, and ya here now, so Ah have nothin' ta regret." Her voice was shaking, but determined, as if trying to convince herself that all those bodies didn't matter. "And ya gotta stop blamin' yaself for things ya didn't do.. It doesn't help anyone."
Remy sighed and looked over at her, and saw her tears. He got up and went to sit beside her on the bed, his arms embracing her. He did his best to comfort her, but it was hard... Her tears had triggered his own, so all he could do was hold her as close as he could and never let go. She had done it all for him, given up a part of herself again just so he would be safe... The least he could do was hold her.
Rogue buried her face in his shirt, rocking slightly. She was crying, and it made her feel pitiful and weak and ridiculous. She hated that feeling. Remy was crying to, and something about that made her feel slightly less guilty. She wrapped her arms around his waist, feeling worse now more than ever that she wasn't able to touch him.
* * *
Remy walked into Xaviers office and sat in one of the nice leather chairs. There was a couch - well, really it was a lounge chair - but Remy just didn't feel like he could actually lay down and do this. Charles Xavier smiled calmly and steepled his fingers. "Good afternoon, Remy. I hope you're feeling all right, considering the fact that you can't go out."
Remy shrugged. "Remy fine... He can find t'ings around heah ta do." Charles nodded.
"That's good... Now, I want you to relax. Don't feel pressured about anything. We can go as slowly as you want. What's important is that we help you sort out any problems you may have." Xavier let that sink in for a moment before he continued, "If there is anything that jumps out, please, feel free to bring it up when you're comfortable."
Remy nodded and swallowed. Where to start, really?
"Well... Remy guess he got de usual orphan problems... He don' really wondah why dey did it, his eyes make dat clear enough... Remy can fo'give dem fo' dat, he sho' dat dey was scared... He jus' wish he could meet dem, sometimes, ta sho' dat he weren't no demon or nuttin."
Charles nodded slowly before asking calmly, "Do you know they actually thought you were a demon, rather than just not understanding, or are you shifting that belief from some other source?"
Remy blinked, then thought for a moment. He nodded and sighed, "De orphanage... when he was four, he accidently hurt anothah boy, jus' a li'l fight like boys do, yo' know? But de nuns, dey was lookin' fo' an excuse ta kick Remy out, and dat was wha' dey got... Dey t'ought he was a demon."
Charles nodded again. "How does that make you feel, Remy? Please, think about it for a moment."
Remy did... He thought for a few minutes. He wasn't really used to examining his feelings. "Umm... Remy feel a li'l angry... He... He guess dat he feel... rejected mo'. Like dey was kickin' him away from havin' a normal life."
Charles leaned back in his wheelchair and thought for a moment. "A normal life... You've had a life, though, and I'm sure it's been far from normal... Would you like to elaborate about how your life became not normal?"
Remy sighed and pulled out a pack of cards he promptly began to shuffle, and of course he watched them closely.
"Da's when Remy's Pa find him... He was a big cheese in 'Nawlins... Ran de whole T'ieves' Guild... Remy was raised dere, learnin' ta pick pockets, run scams... steal cars... pick locks... an' his Pa teach him de fine points of bein' a con artist. Course, he also learn how ta fight, and survive, cause de Assassin's Guild try ta kill us if we get on deir territory..."
Charles nodded along through the story. "That leads us to something else, doesn't it, Remy? I don't want to move on to that just yet, though. I want you to spend some reflection time on what we've brought up. Think on it, and you can tell me anything that comes to mind you'd like to get off your chest. We just want to move one step at a time."
Remy nodded and for the rest of the session he ran through his childhood with a fine toothed comb...
Rogue lay back on the Professor's shrink couch, as she called it. Usually during these sessions she wanted to just get it over with, and she talked about superficial things just to pass the time. She wasn't ready to open up, until now. So she got right to the point.
"Ah keep havin' these dreams."
Xavier's voice was calm and soothing, as usual. "What kind of dreams?"
"Nightmares, really.. Ah know they're from Carol, when she had my body."
"And are they her memories?"
"Ah don't know. Sometimes Ah see myself, and sometimes it's me doin' it, but.. Ah can see myself, doin' these things.."
"Take your time, think carefully."
"Yeah.." She swallowed the lump rising in her throat. "Well Ah see her attackin' my friends.. Scott and Kurt and Jean. Ah know that happened, but Ah see myself hurtin' Kitty and Evan and Remy.. Ah don't know what that means, Ah don't want ta hurt them."
"It sounds like these dreams are based on your fears, as well as Carol's memories. Does anything else occur?"
Rogue hesitated before she spoke again, voice heavy. "Ah see myself killin' those people." There was a long silence. "Ah thought that if Ah let her take over just until we were free, Ah could control her.. Ah offered her revenge, but Ah didn't think.." Her voice became choked.
"It's alright, Rogue. You don't have to continue."
Rogue sat up, determined not to cry again. It only made her feel worse. "But Ah can't make these dreams go away! Ah.. regret havin' done it." It felt terrible to say. She had done it to save Remy, and she regretted it? "Ah thought it was the right thing ta do, but all those people.."
Xavier sighed. "You made a decision and acted upon it. You have no reason to regret that. But you couldn't have foreseen how things would turned out. Carol, not you, committed those acts."
Rogue nodded faintly. It had become difficult to distinguish between herself and Carol, even though the girl was dormant.
"I think that's enough for today, Rogue. Remember what I've said, and we can talk about this another day."
Rogue nodded and got to her feet, feeling slightly more comforted than when she'd started. At least the Professor knew, and understood. She trusted him, and the thought made her feel slightly alone in the ordeal.
