Disclaimer: Last Will and Testament (of some old geezer)

To my two sons, Paul and Peter, I leave the sum of my wealth: Eleven dollars and eighty-two cents.

To MikotoTribal (whom I've never met), I leave the world for her to dominate.

Mikoto: Heh, heh, heh. It's official! The world is mine! Now I just have to convince the world leaders of this. Hey! If the world is mine, then so too is the LoK rights! (I wish, right?)

How to Make a Vampire Bleed from Both Ears!

Upon returning to the Pillar Room, I ordered Kain off his throne so that Clyde II could have a comfy seat for once. Kain put up a fight at first, until I revealed my Super Soaker. Then he seemed pretty agreeable to confiscate his throne. In actuality, my Super Soaker is smaller than my fist, but what do I care? It's effective.

MIKOTO: Raziel, will you come here for a moment?

RAZIEL: (nervously eyeing my water gun) Uh, okay.

MIKOTO: The rest of you stay there!

RAZIEL: So what do you want?

MIKOTO: Raz, you're everyone's favorite, including mine, so I'm gonna give you these.

RAZIEL: (stares at the two small, orange, spongy things I placed in his palm) What are these?

MIKOTO: They're earplugs. Put them in. Trust me, you'll need them.

RAZIEL: Well, okay. (carefully places them in his ears)

MIKOTO: Can you hear me?

RAZIEL: (deaf) .

MIKOTO: Good! (returns to the other vamps with Raz)

KAIN: What was THAT all about?

MIKOTO: (aims gun at Kain) None of your business.

KAIN: Eep!

MIKOTO: Okay everybody! Listen up! (everyone snaps to attention except for Raziel) I stole -I mean 'legally obtained'- the new Britney Spears album and I want you to hear it!

TUREL: Who is this 'Britney Spears'?

MIKOTO: (putting in her own set of earplugs) Just listen and you'll find out.

(I put the Britney cd into my portable cd player, which is connected into this monster surround sound system that suddenly appeared out of nowhere and somehow powers itself. I press play.)

SOUND OF BRITNEY'S VOICE: BLABLABLA! I SOUND LIKE CRAP! MY VOICE IS TERRIBLE! BLABLABLA!

RAHAB: (clutching his bleeding ears) It's terrible!

TUREL: (clutching ears, banging head on wall) Make it stop!

DUMAH: (with fingers in his ears) My head feels like it's about to explode! (a moment later, it does)

SOUND OF BRITNEY'S VOICE: BLABLABLA! I CAN'T SING AT ALL! I'M FAMOUS 'CAUSE I'M A SLUT! BLABLABLA!

MELCHIAH: (falls on the floor, twitching) What did I ever do to deserve this existence?

ZEPHON: (also clutching bleeding ears) The horror! The horror! (runs off in another psychotic fit, but this time, runs into one of the monster- sized speakers and gets electrocuted, the music stops)

KAIN: (realizes music has stopped, storms towards me and yanks earplugs from me) You sick, twisted woman!

MIKOTO: What?

KAIN: (very angry) You know very well that high-pitched noises are lethal to vampires!

MIKOTO: (feigning innocence) It is?

KAIN: (lifts me into the air by the collar of my shirt) I've had just about enough of your meddling, little girl!

MIKOTO: Oh really? (pulls out Super Soaker and squirts Kain)

KAIN: (drops me) AAGGHHH! My eye! My eye! (runs around screaming, trips on Melchiah and falls flat on floor)

MIKOTO: (getting up quickly) Ah, crap! Kain's gonna be hella-pissed when his eye recovers! C'mon Raziel! Let's get outta here!

RAZIEL: (deaf) Huh? What's going on?

Well, I grabbed Raziel and Clyde II and the three of us fled the Sanctuary. Bambi was waiting for me outside the doors, but Clyde II showed him what for. We'll be eating venison for the next few weeks. We ran blindly for a few hours, until I realized where we were.

MIKOTO: Aw, crap!

RAZIEL: (no longer wearing earplugs) What's wrong?

MIKOTO: I took us straight to the Lake of the Dead!

RAZIEL: I coulda told ya that!

MIKOTO: Gee. Thanks for telling me. But we have to go back.

RAZIEL: We can't.

MIKOTO: Why not?

RAZIEL: Kain and the others followed us.

MIKOTO: WHAT!!!

Well, it seemed we were done for. We were trapped. Vortex of Doom on one side. A legion of ticked off vamps on the other. I guess drastic times call for drastic measures.