I'm sorry for this rather late update, since I promised to update weekly. However, I feel sad to say that updates might be slower now… although I promise longer chapters. This chapter is REALLY long. This is because my parents want me to spend less time on the computers since I did so suckily for my exams. Yup, unless a miracle happens and I become a maths and science whiz. But miracles are unfortunately, mostly man-made. And therefore, I will have to try to work hard on my own.

  Oh, and before I do my dedications, I want to say THANK YOU! The feedback was really very encouraging and gave me lots of inspiration! I hope you like this chapter… which is not as crazy as any of the chapters so far… it's sort of a warm-up I guess for the next few chapters… the next chapter I promise is very interesting.

  Also, I would like to add the previous chapter was not a cliffhanger!!! I didn't know ppl wanted to know about the final act… and well now it's quite hyped… and I hope I don't disappoint you guys.

  Oh, and thank you so much for finding this story funny. That's like one of the best compliments since this is supposed to be a humorous fanfic! It's nice to know what makes you guys laugh.

  Well, I can't tell if the next few chapters will be fluff funny… I see dark humor on the horizons… ok enough of me…

  This chapter is dedicated to:

Elijahsbaby1981, Sunshyne988, Crackhead, Aliensmile13, Dawniky, Super Geek, Brandy, blackdragonofdeath, Alexandra Trent, krisleigh, Foxxie-kitty, JDPhoenix, Amy O B, Ashley023, miss wings, Miss Cassi, sierradogbaby (^_^ haha, you are loved!), venus725, Strawberries And Blueberries, Tabii, ikke, Hello Kitty (ooh! I aim to be cruel! ^_^), Kyosnekozukigirl (thanks! ^_^), MarauderGirl (I try my best! ^_^), Kelli, Pampers, Kate (I can't really be definite. But it's blossoming…), Ezmerelda (^_^ Thanks! I love being cruel!), Red of Rose (thanks!!), Boy Crazy Magician Chick, shadowwolf2371, ema-hazel-ibit, sakura_angel90, James girl, vegetarianxtc, qudditch-playa-lova, Crystalline Lily, Phoenxystar, t baby (this is going to be a love story! ^_^ But I'm slow…), Draco-Malfoy-Vegeta-luvr, Lost Angel, koolcat (wow! Thanks!), Makura Koneko, mari, limachie, Befuzzled, kate janeway, venedy, Naoko Ten'ou, PunkFairy, tommygurl, essence-of-forever, Alybaby (^_^! Cos you are special!), draco (lol! Rolling along the floor in laughter…), Snowbear, Indil Elondili (haha! I sort of agree! ^_^ Harry's so sweet!), elvencherry07, Lisa Ann (lol!!), TheSilverLady, hpdancer92, Son of evil, Paige, Adreena, couch-potato01, chemically-unbalanced (thank q!), eth, Fire Soul, DarkGurly819, Loretta, wildchartermage, wolfy65, terry, rouge, Angel Tears, Chunky Monkey, Mary, She's A Star (Aww! You are always so sweet), Evie-du-grey, Kattaree Fengari, circus (hehe! ^_^ no hail u!!!), twoc2bcool, Sam (thanks a lot! Hermione wouldn't die! Though she would wish she could…), Tokyobaby2040 (you are very welcome!), heavengurl899, emy, WiKid Witch, Portal girl, Marissa, Ash, lazy, magicalferret, angel-kisses, freakyleopard, Gandella Raye, Rhianon, mila (yes! There is definite romance!), blood stained rose (every review is special to me! ^_^), Willow, Purtyflirt, Meena and Salem Cat!

*whew* wipes off a bead of sweat… I'm sorry if I could not reply everyone… simply no time and no more strength in my fingers…

till next time!

Chapter 7 : Going Quack

  "What's your name?" I asked, staring coldly at the brown-haired boy.

  "Umm…" He blushed, "Chris."

  "Ok, Chris," I said, pulling the collar of his robe tightly, "If you ever do what you just did to me again, your sexuality is the last thing you will have to worry about."

  I smiled maliciously as I let go off his collar, "Because I can assure you when I'm done with you, you will have no sexuality to talk about."

  "I uh…" The boy whimpered.

  I rolled my eyes and walked into the classroom.

 "And you can tell everybody in your gay support group, I'm not interested."

  "What's the matter?" Crabbe asked as I sat down.

  I clenched my fist, "Do you know what that stupid mudblood Granger did? She bloody replied to my fans that I wet my bed and I'm gay."

  Goyle blinked, "You mean you aren't?"

  I turned to face Goyle coolly, "Would you rather be blind or mute?"

Goyle turned pink and looked down on the floor, "Well, there's always girls chasing after you and you just like to play with their hearts then dump them… so well, I thought…"

  "Goyle, no one expects you to think, so don't," I said icily.

  Goyle nodded, eyes still on the floor.

  "Well, I have decided to do the final act of cruelty on Hermione," I said languidly to Crabbe and Goyle as Professor Flitwick came into the class.

  "What the?" Crabbe cried as the class stood up to greet Professor Flitwick.

  "Yes, I know I said I wouldn't, because the very thought of doing it on her disgusts me. But she deserves it," I continued venomously, "I don't just want to break her physically, I want to break her very soul, her very being."

  "I'm going to make her fall madly in love with me, then dump her in the most degrading manner known to man. I'm not only going to break her heart, but make her break all those damn principles she holds so dear to her heart."

  "Open your books to page 187, we are going to do the Laughing Hyena charm today," Professor Flitwick announced to the class, looking pointedly at me.

  I flipped open the book, "I'm going to make Hermione cry like a weeping willow, I'm going to make her hate herself so much for letting herself fall in love with me."

  "What's more, "I smirked wickedly as Professor Flitwick glared at me again, "I'm going to traumatize Hermione so bad, when I'm done with her, she will be the one that's gay."

  "Come on, give me a smile," Harry said, nudging my shoulder, "I have told you all the jokes I know and you still wouldn't crack open your golden mouth."

  "Well, I can't help it. Malfoy's death threat did affect me a little," I said, reviewing the notes of the previous lesson.

  "And, your jokes were really not funny."

  Harry gave a small frown, "I thought the octopus joke was good. When I told Ron, he rolled on the floor for over an hour."

  "Maybe it's a boy thing," I shrugged as I kept my notes, "Where's Ron? If he doesn't come soon, I'm not waiting for him. I don't want to be late for class."

  "Oh, you may be a little spooked by Malfoy's death threat but of course your main concern is still punctuality," Harry said, giving me a goofy smile.

  "Ron's off telling his wonderful laundry story again, I don't know when he will want to come back down to earth and back to us," Harry rolled his eyes, "I have to admit the trick was pretty awesome, although most of the Slytherins have changed out of their robes. I heard they had to throw away the rest of the laundry, as it's tainted."

  I gave Harry a small smile, "Malfoy did want my feminine touch. Perhaps, it turned out a little too pink."

  "Hermione! You wouldn't believe this!" Ron cried as he ran straight into me.

  I ducked Ron in time as Harry grabbed hold of a crazy Ron.

  "I just heard some Slytherins gossiping about what Draco is going to make you do during dinner!" Ron said, wincing, "And by the sounds of it, it's disgusting."

  "What? Is he going to kiss me?" I snorted. "I can't imagine anything more disgusting."

  "No, his going to make you massage Goyle's foot," Ron said, spitting at the word foot.

  "I admit its stomach turning," I sighed, "But I will deal."

  "No! Goyle's foot is no ordinary foot!" Ron cried, shaking his head furiously.

  "He has seven toes?" Harry laughed.

  "No, his leg is like some kind of mutant species!" Ron said, then pointing furiously to Harry. "Remember that time you showed me a drawing of Godzilla? It's like Godzilla reincarnated into Goyle's foot!"

  "It's horrible… horrible…" Ron said, shaking his head. "It's like some kind of nuclear weapon… and you will have to touch it!"

  I gave Ron a scathing smile, "Thanks, Ron. You are a real pal."

  "Oh… I'm sorry," Ron said, "But… I thought you would like to know."

  I gave a small smile to Ron despite having the strong desire to puke instead.

  Goyle's foot sounded… so inhuman. How can he have such a foot? How can he walk around with such a foot?

  Would there be moss and fungus?

  No… I didn't want to know.

  "Oh my god!" I cried, "I know what to do!"

  I turned to Harry, "Help me take care of my books, ok?"

  Harry and Ron cried after me as I started running, "Where the hell are you going, Hermione?"

  "The library," I said and disappeared into the crowd of students.

  "Well, she has finally done it," Ron said, shaking his head sadly, "She has finally lost it. I knew too much homework was bad for you."

  Harry laughed as he picked up Hermione's book bag, "God! Why does Hermione's books weigh so much more than ours?"

  "Because she always goes for the extended version," Ron said, still shaking his head, "Do you think we can do anything? Has Hermione fallen too far from the edge?"

  Harry smiled, "She's not crazy."

 "Yes, she is," Ron said stubbornly, "How in the world is Hermione's sacred library going to save her from Goyle's foot? Huh? Can you tell me?"

  "That's the difference between a normal brain and a genius brain," Harry smiled. "Hermione knows and I don't."

  "Yeah, genius and insanity… who can tell the difference?" Ron snorted.

  Harry laughed, "Ron, trust me, if Hermione says she knows what she's doing, she knows."

  "Many times I have thought to myself, we are lucky Hermione's brain doesn't work for the dark side."

  Ron paused for a moment, "Well, in my opinion, it looks like it doesn't work anymore."

 "Draco!" squealed the most annoying voice on earth.

  "I'm not in the mood," I scowled and continued walking.

  "Quack! Quack!"

  "But Draco!"

 I turned around to find myself face to face with a duck.

  "Wow, Pansy. Have you gone for plastic surgery? I think your new bill really suits you," I remarked dryly.

  "No!" Pansy blushed and passed me the duck. "I transfigured it for you from a sharpener, since you wrote to me about your obsession with ducks."

  I gave a cruel smile, "I did, didn't I?"

  "Do you like it?" Pansy looked at me eagerly.

  I looked at the yellow duck with weird beady eyes staring eerily at me, "It's perfect! I love it."

   "You do?" Pansy squealed, beaming with pride.

  Then she bent towards me, whispering. "Well, maybe because I transfigured it from a sharpener, it loves to eat pencils."

  I nodded my head, "Ok, now begone would you?"

  "Er… would you like me to transfigure more ducks?" Pansy said, unwilling to leave.

  I paused for a moment, picturing Hermione surrounded by tons of creepy yellow ducks.

  It appealed to me tremendously.

  But, then it might be harder for her to fall in love with me.

  After all, I'm already making her massage Goyle's foot… which should be strong enough a test whether her love for me is true.

  "No," I said coldly and walked away from Pansy with the dreaded duck in hand.

  "Granger!"

  I continued walking.

  Just pretend you didn't hear it!

  "I order you to stop!"

  I'm deaf… deaf… deaf…

  "I order you to stop pretending you are deaf and stop right there!"

  I scowled and stopped, "What is it, pink master?"

  Draco gave me a pleasant smile, "I do look good in pink don't I? I thought of changing my robe but decided why should I? I look fabulous in everything."

  "Oh, you do, you do," I said in a very dreary tone, "I have urgent matters to attend to, can you please not talk to me?"

  And then I stood stunned as I saw the duck in Draco's hand. "Is that what I think it is?"

  "Meet Granger," Draco smiled as he pushed the duck into my face.

  "Are you talking to me or the duck?" I said dumbly.

  "Well, I guess it applies to both," Draco said.

  He looked at the duck and pointed to me, "Meet Granger."

  Then he smiled at me and pointed to the duck, "Meet Granger."

  "You name the duck after me?" I gasped.

  "Yes, I found the similarities between the two of you startling," Draco smiled patronizingly at me.

  "Yes, after all I do have yellow fur and a big bill," I said dryly.

  "Not to forget, both of you talk all day, and yet nobody understands the quack of what you two are saying," Draco smiled.

  As if to prove a point, the duck quacked.

  "Now hold it properly, it's my precious pet," Draco said, passing the duck to me. "I expect the best care for it."

  "Of course, I can see how you can love this thing," I said as the duck's beady eyes stared evilly at me.

  "Don't you dare transfigure it into an eraser or something to get rid of it," Draco continued, "I expect you to use your precious principles and treat the duck with tender loving care. After all, I'm obsessed with ducks and I don't want my duck to get hurt."

  I gave a small scowl, "So you have gotten some feedback from your fan mail huh?"

  "A resounding response," Draco said through clenched teeth.

  "I take it you will reply your fan mail by yourself the next time?" I asked Draco innocently.

  Draco didn't answer me but started to turn away, "I have to go now… lots of stuff to do. Bye Grangers…"

  I watched as Draco left, but not before saying.

 "Oh and you might want to bring lotion for dinner. Trust me, you will need it."

  I said nothing as I narrowed my eyes at Draco's back.

  Just you wait! Once I find that book, you are going to regret ever asking me to massage Goyle's foot.

  "Quack!" The duck quacked reproachfully.

  "Trust me," I looked at the duck, "I don't want you as much as you don't want me."

  "Hermione!" I heard Harry and Ron call after me.

 Ron looked at me strangely, he had probably seen me talking to the duck.

 "Have you checked the library…" Harry paused as he saw the duck I was holding.

  "Er… long story, no time!" I said as I passed Ron the duck. "Take good care of it! If you kill it, I'm dead!"

  I ran off into the crowd towards the library again.

  For a moment, Harry and Ron said nothing as they stared at the duck in Ron's hand.

  Finally, Ron broke the silence.

  "I told you Hermione has gone quacked."