Disclaimer: Think of a disclaimer. Good! Now pretend that's what I wrote here!

It Isn't Easy Being a Vampire

Clyde should have been a playwright, 'cause he sure can tell a story with finesse! He finished telling Raziel and Sarafan Raz why they should be more than willing to lay the smack down on Kain's candy ass.

SARAFAN RAZ: So, this Kain has got some weird obsession with turning corpses into vampires then? And he does this to me and the rest of the Sarafan?

MIKOTO: Yep.

SARAFAN RAZ: That's just not cricket!

RAZIEL: And then after I do all Kain's homework for 1000 years, he gets jealous over my beautiful wings and rips them out? Then tells Dumah and Turel to throw me into the abyss?

MIKOTO: Yeah, that's all true. Except for the part about Dumah. Kain never told him to help Turel. Dumah just wanted the satisfaction of dumping your arse into the lake.

RAZIEL: Dumah, that bugger! I'll get him for that!

S.R. RAZIEL: Eventually... When you're me...

SARAFAN RAZ: Hey, what's with the wings anyway?

RAZIEL: You like 'em?

SARAFAN RAZ: No.

RAZIEL: Whatever. Hater. You're just jealous!

MIKOTO: Alright. Are we ready to go?

ALL RAZIELS: Yeah.

We all close our eyes, and I concentrate on present day Nosgoth. (As if you could call ANY period of Nosgoth 'present day' with all those confusing timelines.) After we transported through time, we all opened our eyes again and looked around. We found ourselves in a lush, green forest.

RAZIEL: I don't remember this forest being here! When did Kain have enough time to plant all these trees?

S.R. RAZIEL: He didn't plant them you dote! This forest isn't even IN Nosgoth!

RAZIEL: Where are we then?

MIKOTO: I'm not sure...

SARAFAN RAZ: Has she screwed this up before?

CLYDE: ...

MIKOTO: Hey! I don't see YOU teleporting us through time!

SARAFAN RAZ: Well, I bet I could do it better!

MIKOTO: Cannot!

SARAFAN RAZ: Can so!

MIKOTO: Cannot!

S.R. RAZIEL: (interrupting) Well, actually he...er, I can. I've done plenty of time streaming already.

MIKOTO: Yeah, but you never controlled where you went! Moebius took care of it all for you!

S.R. RAZIEL: Shut up and let me have my feeling of accomplishment!

RAZIEL: So killing your brethren TWICE isn't enough accomplishment??

S.R. RAZIEL: Oh yeah.

MIKOTO: C'mon! We gotta figure out where we are!

We begin to walk through the forest, when a slight rustling is heard from the trees. It was gone as soon as we heard it. We continued walking, when we heard the noise again.

RAZIEL: (frightened) What was that?

SARAFAN RAZ: A forest vampire! And it's gonna bite off your toes!

RAZIEL: (leaps into my arms) Mommy! I'm scared!

MIKOTO: Get off me! (drops Raziel on his bum)

S.R. RAZIEL: Dumbass! You ARE a vampire! And you don't have toes!

RAZIEL: Shut up!

SARAFAN RAZ: Haha!

MIKOTO: Let's go!

I take a step forward to continue, when suddenly, a person leaps out of the trees and lands in front of me. He is dressed in green camo and is wielding a rather large sword.

MAN CLAD IN GREEN: Your wallet or your life!

MIKOTO: You look familiar...

MAN CLAD IN GREEN: No I don't! Now gimme all your Rupees!

MIKOTO: I knew it! You're Link! The Hero of Time!

LINK: You're mistaken, lady! I ain't no hero! I'm a thief! Like Robin Hood! I steal from the rich (you) and give to the poor (me)!

RAZIEL: You're not a very nice person!

LINK: (notices Raziel's butterfly wings) Woah! How'd a fairy get so damn big! (pulls out a very small glass jar) Get in here you little bugger!

RAZIEL: (exasperated) But, I won't fit!

LINK: Do it! Or I'll slash you with my master sword!

S.R. RAZIEL: (stepping in) Hey, that's a rather nice master sword you've got there...

LINK: (boasting) Yeah? You think so? This sword is the strongest sword in all Hyrule!

S.R. RAZIEL: You mean it WAS the strongest sword in all of... whatever you called this place.

LINK: What do you mean, 'was'?

S.R. RAZIEL: What do I mean? Well, let's see. THIS is what I mean!

S.R. Raziel summons the wraith blade and swipes it at Link's master sword. The master sword is cut cleanly in two by the wraith blade.

LINK: (staring at his sword in horror) You killed Kenny! You bastard!

SARAFAN RAZ: Who's Kenny?

LINK: My sword!

SARAFAN RAZ: You named your sword?

LINK: So what?

MIKOTO: Look, we don't have any Rupees, or anything else you may want for that matter. So just let us on our way.

LINK: But you DO have something I want! That giant fairy! (points to Raziel)

RAZIEL: But I'm not a fairy!

LINK: You coulda fooled me! You have the WINGS of a fairy!

RAZIEL: That's it! I'm sick of everyone dissin' my wings! I'll show you! You half pint elf punk!

Raziel turns his wings back into bat wings and spread them out as far as they will go. He stretches his claws in the air. He hisses, baring his fangs as he steps towards Link.

LINK: You're a freak of nature! I'm outta here!

Link takes off into the distance and Raziel relaxes.

S.R. RAZIEL: Well, it's about time you stopped acting like a little coward and more like a vampire!

RAZIEL: What are you talking about? I was trying to hypnotize him!

SARAFAN RAZ: Who cares? He's gone anyway! C'mon, Mikoto! Get us out of here!

MIKOTO: Certainly.

SARAFAN RAZ: And don't screw it up this time!

I rolled my eyes before attempting to travel to Nosgoth of the vampire empire. (Hey! It rhymes!) This time, I am successful and we find ourselves outside the sanctuary of the clans. It's Kain kicking time!