Disclaimer: "A Bloody Paradox" is sponsored by 'Blood Bars', the energy
bar specially designed to quicken vampire evolution. And by Crystal
Dynamics, creator of the Legacy of Kain series.
Cheaters Always Win!
The Raziels waited patiently outside the Sanctuary of the clans while I readied my plan. Digging through one of my plot holes, I pulled out random items and tossed them on the ground behind me.
MIKOTO: Alright! Pick yer poison boys!
The Raziels begin to paw through the pile of junk lying on the ground, carefully choosing a weapon of mass destruction. (I love the way that sounds. It has a sort of ring to it: 'weapon of mass destruction'.)
RAZIEL: Can I use this? (waves a long bone in the air)
MIKOTO: No you can't use THAT! That's Clyde's leg! Give it back to him!
RAZIEL: Aw... (gives Clyde back his leg and picks up a golf club) Hey! This is neat! What's it do?
MIKOTO: You hit balls with it.
SARAFAN RAZ: Sounds painful.
MIKOTO: Golf balls, dummy.
RAZIEL: I like it! 'Specially this knobby thing on the end. Looks good for denting foreheads! (imagines Kain with a dented forehead) Tee hee!
SARAFAN RAZ: (grabs a wooden cane with a plastic diamond on the top) This looks cool.
MIKOTO: Yeah, that's my pimpin' cane from last year's Halloween party.
SARAFAN RAZ: Hmmm... I'm gonna smack Kain with a cane... Seems appropriate enough to me.
S.R. RAZIEL: (disinterested in my 'weapons of mass destruction') Why do I have to choose one of these useless things? I have the wraith blade right here! Good and ready!
MIKOTO: Because that is not the plan!
S.R. RAZIEL: But I can end Kain's miserable existence with no effort!
MIKOTO: I said we're doing it MY way!
S.R. RAZIEL: Look. I can shift to spectral, sneak up behind Kain, and stab him with the reaver! (does an imitation of stabbing Kain in the back) It's as simple as that! I'll even take pictures so you can see it!
MIKOTO: We are not here to kill Kain, just maim him! Got it?
S.R. RAZIEL: (mutters) Imbecile.
MIKOTO: I heard that! But I'll ignore it for now! Here. Take this instead. (hands S.R. Raziel a pool stick)
S.R. RAZIEL: (skeptically accepts the pool stick) You want me to attack Kain with THIS? This will break before I even touch Kain!
MIKOTO: Deal with it. You didn't want to pick a weapon, so I picked one for you. Now you have to suffer with it.
I pick out my own 'weapon of mass destruction'. It's a foot long section of PVC pipe (sewage pipe) that my brother had turned into a makeshift bowl. (He actually used it too!) We march into the Sanctuary, clubbing any vampires along our way. We come to that room with the bridge and the two pools of water on either side.
MIKOTO: Check this out!
I run up behind a Dumahim and club him in the knee. He falls to the ground, clutching his leg, screaming "WHY? WHY?" I kick him into the water below and he burns to death. S.R. Raziel pulls at his cowl.
MIKOTO: (pushes S.R. Raziel's cowl back up his face) Don't do that!
S.R. RAZIEL: (confused) Why not? I'm hungry!
MIKOTO: Because! If you eat his soul, his body will dissolve, and he will respawn and we'll just have to kill him again when we come back!
S.R. RAZIEL: So. Then I'll just kill him and eat his soul again!
MIKOTO: But don't you see? It only creates an endless cycle of needless destruction and death!
SARAFAN RAZ: Aren't we partaking in needless destruction and death already?
MIKOTO: No one asked for your opinion.
S.R RAZIEL: Look. I need to devour souls in order to sustain my physical manifestation. And I have not done this since you kidnapped me. So, IF you don't mind...
MIKOTO: But you don't HAVE to eat souls!
RAZIEL: (to S.R. Raziel) You EAT souls too?
S.R RAZIEL: Yes. So you've just caught on now, haven't you?
RAZIEL: Did you eat our brothers' souls too?
S.R. RAZIEL: Sure did!
RAZIEL: (grabbing onto S.R. Raziel's ear and pressing his face into it) HELLO? TUREL? ARE YOU IN THERE?
S.R. RAZIEL: (shoves Raziel off of him and uses a claw to rub his ear) IDIOT! I didn't get Turel's soul yet! Moron!
RAZIEL: Oh, yeah.
S.R. RAZIEL: (to me) So... Why is it that I no longer need to eat souls?
MIKOTO: This! (pulls out magic wand) It's a spell I learned from Harry Potter!
S.R. RAZIEL: (wary) I don't know about this...
MIKOTO: Trust me! (waving magic wand) Pause, L1 and R1, left, circle, up, up, down!
S.R. RAZIEL: OW! What the hell? That hurt!
SARAFAN RAZ: What kind of spell was that?
S.R RAZIEL: Don't do it again!
RAZIEL: (laughing) Do it again! Do it again!
MIKOTO: Damn. Must've used the wrong cheat-er, I mean spell. Hold still!
S.R RAZIEL: No way!
MIKOTO: Pause, L1 and R1, left, right, left, right, square, circle, square, circle. There, how does that feel?
S.R. RAZIEL: (amazed) Surprisingly well. What did you do?
MIKOTO: Unlimited health.
RAZIEL: Oh cool! Do me now! Do me now!
MIKOTO: Don't say that! (whispers) The fan girls might take that as an open invitation!
SARAFAN RAZ: Why DO all the girls like him anyway? Why don't they like me?
MIKOTO: Well, probably because you ruthlessly tore out Janos Audron's heart. That, and even with PS1's poorer quality graphics, Lt. Raziel looks so much better than you.
SARAFAN RAZ: (sigh)
We continued onward to the doorway to the pillar room. With a mighty kick, I busted down the door. Inside awaited Kain and the lieutenants.
Cheaters Always Win!
The Raziels waited patiently outside the Sanctuary of the clans while I readied my plan. Digging through one of my plot holes, I pulled out random items and tossed them on the ground behind me.
MIKOTO: Alright! Pick yer poison boys!
The Raziels begin to paw through the pile of junk lying on the ground, carefully choosing a weapon of mass destruction. (I love the way that sounds. It has a sort of ring to it: 'weapon of mass destruction'.)
RAZIEL: Can I use this? (waves a long bone in the air)
MIKOTO: No you can't use THAT! That's Clyde's leg! Give it back to him!
RAZIEL: Aw... (gives Clyde back his leg and picks up a golf club) Hey! This is neat! What's it do?
MIKOTO: You hit balls with it.
SARAFAN RAZ: Sounds painful.
MIKOTO: Golf balls, dummy.
RAZIEL: I like it! 'Specially this knobby thing on the end. Looks good for denting foreheads! (imagines Kain with a dented forehead) Tee hee!
SARAFAN RAZ: (grabs a wooden cane with a plastic diamond on the top) This looks cool.
MIKOTO: Yeah, that's my pimpin' cane from last year's Halloween party.
SARAFAN RAZ: Hmmm... I'm gonna smack Kain with a cane... Seems appropriate enough to me.
S.R. RAZIEL: (disinterested in my 'weapons of mass destruction') Why do I have to choose one of these useless things? I have the wraith blade right here! Good and ready!
MIKOTO: Because that is not the plan!
S.R. RAZIEL: But I can end Kain's miserable existence with no effort!
MIKOTO: I said we're doing it MY way!
S.R. RAZIEL: Look. I can shift to spectral, sneak up behind Kain, and stab him with the reaver! (does an imitation of stabbing Kain in the back) It's as simple as that! I'll even take pictures so you can see it!
MIKOTO: We are not here to kill Kain, just maim him! Got it?
S.R. RAZIEL: (mutters) Imbecile.
MIKOTO: I heard that! But I'll ignore it for now! Here. Take this instead. (hands S.R. Raziel a pool stick)
S.R. RAZIEL: (skeptically accepts the pool stick) You want me to attack Kain with THIS? This will break before I even touch Kain!
MIKOTO: Deal with it. You didn't want to pick a weapon, so I picked one for you. Now you have to suffer with it.
I pick out my own 'weapon of mass destruction'. It's a foot long section of PVC pipe (sewage pipe) that my brother had turned into a makeshift bowl. (He actually used it too!) We march into the Sanctuary, clubbing any vampires along our way. We come to that room with the bridge and the two pools of water on either side.
MIKOTO: Check this out!
I run up behind a Dumahim and club him in the knee. He falls to the ground, clutching his leg, screaming "WHY? WHY?" I kick him into the water below and he burns to death. S.R. Raziel pulls at his cowl.
MIKOTO: (pushes S.R. Raziel's cowl back up his face) Don't do that!
S.R. RAZIEL: (confused) Why not? I'm hungry!
MIKOTO: Because! If you eat his soul, his body will dissolve, and he will respawn and we'll just have to kill him again when we come back!
S.R. RAZIEL: So. Then I'll just kill him and eat his soul again!
MIKOTO: But don't you see? It only creates an endless cycle of needless destruction and death!
SARAFAN RAZ: Aren't we partaking in needless destruction and death already?
MIKOTO: No one asked for your opinion.
S.R RAZIEL: Look. I need to devour souls in order to sustain my physical manifestation. And I have not done this since you kidnapped me. So, IF you don't mind...
MIKOTO: But you don't HAVE to eat souls!
RAZIEL: (to S.R. Raziel) You EAT souls too?
S.R RAZIEL: Yes. So you've just caught on now, haven't you?
RAZIEL: Did you eat our brothers' souls too?
S.R. RAZIEL: Sure did!
RAZIEL: (grabbing onto S.R. Raziel's ear and pressing his face into it) HELLO? TUREL? ARE YOU IN THERE?
S.R. RAZIEL: (shoves Raziel off of him and uses a claw to rub his ear) IDIOT! I didn't get Turel's soul yet! Moron!
RAZIEL: Oh, yeah.
S.R. RAZIEL: (to me) So... Why is it that I no longer need to eat souls?
MIKOTO: This! (pulls out magic wand) It's a spell I learned from Harry Potter!
S.R. RAZIEL: (wary) I don't know about this...
MIKOTO: Trust me! (waving magic wand) Pause, L1 and R1, left, circle, up, up, down!
S.R. RAZIEL: OW! What the hell? That hurt!
SARAFAN RAZ: What kind of spell was that?
S.R RAZIEL: Don't do it again!
RAZIEL: (laughing) Do it again! Do it again!
MIKOTO: Damn. Must've used the wrong cheat-er, I mean spell. Hold still!
S.R RAZIEL: No way!
MIKOTO: Pause, L1 and R1, left, right, left, right, square, circle, square, circle. There, how does that feel?
S.R. RAZIEL: (amazed) Surprisingly well. What did you do?
MIKOTO: Unlimited health.
RAZIEL: Oh cool! Do me now! Do me now!
MIKOTO: Don't say that! (whispers) The fan girls might take that as an open invitation!
SARAFAN RAZ: Why DO all the girls like him anyway? Why don't they like me?
MIKOTO: Well, probably because you ruthlessly tore out Janos Audron's heart. That, and even with PS1's poorer quality graphics, Lt. Raziel looks so much better than you.
SARAFAN RAZ: (sigh)
We continued onward to the doorway to the pillar room. With a mighty kick, I busted down the door. Inside awaited Kain and the lieutenants.
