Pressure Builds 2/3
Notes and Disclaimers in Part 1. Thank you all for the amazing feedback.
And Rhonda. 'Rescued by Rhonda' should hang on my wall.
*
Toby swung open the door to the bar. The place was crowded and smoky; just the way he liked it. But he couldn't appreciate it today, not until he was sure she was there as she'd only half promised she'd be.
*
A quick scan of the sea of faces doesn't show him hers, so he sits sideways to the door; he doesn't want her to know he's looking for her. To tell the truth, he's spent nearly all his life keeping her in his peripheral vision. Not obvious enough to have to justify it to himself or others, but enough for him to have peace of mind, a sense of ease that just isn't there when she's not.
It has been the week from hell.
CJ sees him as she comes out of the ladies' room. She sees the remnants of his bruising, the slight puffiness instead of the vicious swelling of a few days ago. She thinks he's aged ten years in the last week and she blames herself. Her rational mind knows that it's not all her fault, but her rational mind is in hiding these days; it's her instincts and emotions that drive her now. She leans carefully against him as she lowers herself onto the stool next to his, but doesn't look at him directly. Ever since she left the West Wing a week ago, she has lived in fear of being recognized and asked what she is doing with herself. She has only stayed in DC for Toby. Shame at her violence towards him and a desperate kind of need to be near him have anchored her to the spot.
She has been in hell.
*
"My God, Toby!" Leo blanched at the sight of his friend and colleague. "You're gonna press charges, aren't you?"
Toby stared at him. "I don't think so, Leo."
It took a moment for the penny to drop and then Leo looked so hunted that Toby almost wished he'd stayed at home 'til the worst of the bruising had gone.
"Okay. Well I'm glad you made it in, anyway. Thank you." Leo sat behind his desk. "I need you to work with Phillips. I know that it's difficult, I know that he's offensive and antagonistic." A glimmer of a smile, "A Republican." A sigh, "But he's what we have and if we don't play ball, it won't just be CJ who's considered the sacrificial lamb." Leo looked hard at Toby. "I need you inside on this. No room for sentiment – this is the real thing. Jed needs us. Abbey needs us. God knows Zoey needs us. You have to put her to one side, Toby – you have to focus here."
Toby ignored the 'I need CJ' screaming inside his head and echoing through his bones, and nodded his consent. He had to dig deep.
The Bull Pen was strangely subdued as he walked through it. A few 'hey's thrown his way and not one comment on his injuries. He ignored the darkness from CJ's office, the absence of Carol, and stood silently in Josh's doorway.
Josh knew he was there without even looking up. "We gotta do something, Toby. They are taking us apart. Phillips is crap up there – they hate him. It's like the lunatics are taking over the asylum . . . any minute now I expect Donna will disappear and then Ginger and Will. They'll be replaced by slimy bastards who don't care about this administration, who don't care about Jed Bartlet." Josh paused for breath. " You know what really sticks in my throat, Toby?"
Josh stood and leaned clenched fists on his desk, "They couldn't care less if Zoey lives or dies. Just so long as they clean up the mess and the guys who did it are crucified. It shames me Toby, it shames me."
Josh took in the older man's appearance for the first time. " She's with you, right? You're taking care of her? I mean, Jesus, she did * nothing * wrong. Nothing. What the fuck is going on, Toby? You have to put it right! We need her back here."
Once again, Toby merely nodded and moved on. The sanctuary of his own office offered no respite; message after message, mainly from Andi. Andi wanting to know where he was; Andi needing him to bring her more baby clothes and diapers; craving chocolate and her laptop; Andi threatening to deny him paternal rights unless he got his ass over to the hospital.
And a message from CJ.
He rang right away.
*
CJ let the phone ring, listening to the answering machine click on and off. Too many unanswered messages filled the machine's memory. It couldn't take anymore. Neither of them could.
*
Toby orders himself a double scotch and an iced water for her. He knows she hasn't touched alcohol since it happened; she's frightened of losing her mind, losing her control. Hitting him again. He slides the drink towards her and watches as she tips the glass, waiting until the liquid is sure to spill onto the bar before righting it suddenly and staring at the small waves it makes. It's all a matter of control for her – and he feels helpless in the tide of her despair.
CJ clutches her glass tightly and wonders just how hard she would have to squeeze before it shatters. Wonders just how hurt she has to be before she breaks, how cruel before he walks.
*
CJ read the note from Carol one more time before balling it in her hand and throwing it in the waste paper bin. Carol had been moved to the NSC press room. It seemed that Leo was serious and that she was out of a job.
Toby hadn't denied that he'd known there was trouble brewing for her. He'd admitted that he'd turned up in her apartment that night so that he could see her in the calm before the storm. They hadn't talked about the kiss. They hadn't talked about the fight. They hadn't talked about anything that mattered.
CJ wondered for the hundredth time if they'd ever communicate honestly again.
*
"Toby?" Donna hovered in the office door. "I was wondering if I could have five minutes? I know you're snowed under . ." She entered at his sigh and shut the door behind her. "How are the twins?"
"Fine. So I've been told."
"You're not going . . ?" Donna's voice tailed off at the expression of the man sitting in front of her. "C. . can I ask you how CJ's doing? I mean," she rushed on, "no one here knows anything, but we're her friends, we care, Toby. And God knows we miss her." She took a deep breath. "Is she coming back?"
Toby put his head in his hands. "I wish I knew." He let the silence linger, but knew that he would crack before Donna. She was made of strong stuff.
"I . . we. . .I'm doing my best, Donna, but my ex-wife and the Acting President and his merry men are making my life hard enough. All I can say is that I take her food every night and I make sure she's asleep when I leave. I don't know what else to tell you."
"And who is taking care of you, Toby?" Donna's voice was gentle.
He sat up straighter. "I will be fine if CJ is fine. That's the bottom line. If she . . . Look, Donna, I don't have the energy for this – can you understand that?"
Donna nodded her head and laid the sliced beef sandwich she had been carrying on his desk. "This is something I can do, Toby. Let me? Please?"
*
The sharp knock on her door roused CJ from her trance. She decided to ignore it. Toby had a key.
"Ms. Cregg?" An official sounding voice. "Mrs. Bartlet is waiting to come in."
Abbey? What was Abbey doing here? Maybe there was news? CJ leapt to her feet and opened the door to the agent.
"Abbey? Is she okay? Have they found her?" CJ's words tumbled out of her mouth like uncorked champagne. The small woman standing before her looked even smaller than she remembered. And so, so sad. A slight shake of the head.
"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry," CJ couldn't control her grief or pinpoint the cause of it. The apology swirled in her mind and out of her mouth as the tears coursed down her cheeks. Just how many tears could she cry? Maybe she would drown in them. The room began to swim and before she knew it, gentle hands had maneuvered her to the couch and pulled her into a hug.
"I'm here for you, CJ. Not for me" Hands in her hair, on her face, wiping her tears (oh, how she missed her own mother), a kiss on the head.
"What have they done to you, darling?" A rhetorical question, a mother's question.
CJ pulled herself together. What right did she have to this woman's sympathy? "I'm sorry, Abbey." Apology again, but controlled this time, more together, more rational.
"You have enough on your plate without worrying about me. I'm fine. Really I am. Toby is keeping me together – amazing isn't it – the man no one assumes to have any personnel skills." Her tears coursed down her cheeks again, but this time she was oblivious. "He . . . he's the only thing stopping me. . ."
"Don't do it, Claudia Jean." Abbey's face was wet now too.
"Do what?"
"Ring Sam. Run away."
CJ stared at the woman now squeezing her hands. " Why do you think I would do that? How do you know I haven't already done so? What if I told you I'd already made the call . ." More words than she knew she had in her head swept out of her mouth, rippling the air between them.
"Sam isn't Toby, CJ. Sam has never been Toby, despite the passion and the words. He is his own man and while he would snap you up – no one in their right mind wouldn't, he's not Toby." Abbey's face showed the strain of keeping check on her terror for her missing daughter while she tried to cling on to the 'daughter' about to step into the current.
CJ laughed humorlessly. "No one is trying to snap me up. Social Secretary, Abbey, they wanted me to be his Social Secretary. Leo . . .even Leo . ." She choked back the sob that threatened her composure. Too late. Too late to stop the deep shuddering breaths that always accompanied her dreams of betrayal; the gasping for air. "You know that Toby came to see me – he waited here for me. He * knew * what they were going to do and he let me kiss him and want him and he walked away from me without saying anything." She curled into her knees and covered her face with her hands. "I can't do this anymore, Abbey. I can't look anyone in the eye; can't hear their voices without thinking that they know I've failed, that they're better off without me. I can't tell you how much this hurts."
Abbey laid her hand on the weeping woman's head and leaned close, "Don't leave us, CJ. We can't lose another daughter, not now. Promise me you'll give us time. God knows we all need some time."
CJ turned into Abbey's arms and sobbed.
Abbey felt the warmth of CJ's desperate hold and dreamed of Zoey.
*
"What I think you're forgetting, Toby," Walken's deep voice rang around the Oval Office, "is that I am the one making decisions around here. Not Leo, not you - me. The buck stops here, my friend." He stood and his vast presence bore down on Toby like atmospheric pressure. "Mike is doing a damn fine job in that Press Room. We are not here to be liked and I have to say that the previous Press Secretary's levity irritated the hell out of me at best. Most of the time it made me want to slap her."
Toby gasped at the man's words and he opened his mouth to respond, catching Leo's warning glance as he did so.
The Acting President continued, "We are letting those madmen know we are after them and we're letting the people, the Great American People, know exactly who is in charge. I will not have this Office be seen as weak or indecisive." He lifted his hand and brought it swiftly down onto the desk, ending with a flick of his fingers instead of the anticipated fist.
Toby wondered whether years of tradition and history would have been smashed to smithereens if Walken had used his full power to make his point. The suppressed violence in the man fascinated and sickened him simultaneously.
"Yes, Sir. But with all due respect, we need the Press on our side. They are naturally sympathetic at a time like this, but if they are antagonized, we will lose that advantage and it will degenerate into a battle against other parts of the Administration; other parts that are trying hard to run the country at a very difficult time. We still have to feed people and educate them and take our place in the world's government. These things don't stop, Sir and CJ knew it. She juggled those responsibilities with amazing competence and, yes, she was liked – I think that there are more than a fair few of us who can give testament to the times she used her popularity to get us out of a hole." Toby paused to consider the impassive rock of a face above him. "I'm not saying that CJ should do every briefing. I'm just saying that I think we can do better with her than without her."
Walken sniffed. "I'm not sure I can trust a woman who beats up on one of her colleagues. And I'm not sure I can respect a man who lets her."
Toby took a step forward.
"Toby!" Leo's voice cracked out. "In my office. NOW!"
*
Toby paced the floor, fists clenched in his pockets, a vein throbbing visibly in his head.
Leo came in and quietly closed the door behind him. "No. You don't get to speak, Toby. You get to listen." He put his hand on the other man's arm to stop him, and applied pressure. "You nearly committed professional suicide in there. What the hell were you thinking? You may not like him, but he is President, for God's sake. You have no say in his staffing issues or in his opinions of people. I told you already that I needed you to put your personal issues aside – I can't do this by myself, Toby. Jed told you to trust me. Well that's what you need to do." Leo released his grip. He walked to his desk chair and sank down into it. "You don't have the monopoly on love for CJ, you know." He watched that sink in.
"Leo . ."
"I haven't finished." Leo leaned his elbows on his desk. "I have to work with this President, at least in the short term. CJ's head was what he wanted, for whatever warped reason, and that's what I had to give him. It's called compromise, Toby – something I know you hate. You have no idea how many times in this job I've had to do that or what it has cost me personally. Well, you know about one of them. Jenny couldn't handle it either." He stood again and walked round to face the other man. "We have to get Zoey back – it's the only way Jed will return. And if it means losing CJ on the way, then so be it. I'm sorry."
Toby felt the water rising over his head and the cold seep into his bones.
"I understand what you're saying, Leo. But I'm not sure I'm the man for the job. I've let CJ down too many times in my life; I've either pushed her away or let her run when it suited my needs. I can't promise you anything." Toby walked towards the door, then turned. "We talked, you and I, before all this insanity, we talked about love. Well, Leo, I love my kids, you were right about that." Toby paused minutely, unsure how much of himself to reveal, "But CJ is part of me – I've only just come to realize it – and I don't think I can be where she isn't. That's the bottom line."
TBC
