Chapter Two--- The Shadows of the Mysteries Of The Past...
Author's Note:: Don't hate, don't hate, don't hate.
Author's Note 2.2: We put up a website with WIQUED KEWL html and it has pictures that Albuck Jr. made for us! Go visit it y'all!
Son of the Author's Note: We are glad y'all liked the song chappy that was the last chappy and we will try to make the next chappy as good as the last song chappy.
The Author's Note Strikes Back: We don't want to name names or nuttin', but some of y'all been hatin'. Don't hate, don't hate. Flames will be used to light the Hufflepuff common room's fireplace. Yeah, we got access to it. Cuz we be badass wizards, so don't mess wit us y'all, or we'll go "FLIPENDO!" on yo' @$$!
SHOUTOUTZ:
LaDy_WhItE_rOse: Thanx again for the bodacious review. You rock our socks, gurl. You're off da heezy fo' sheezy! You da big pimpinest! And since you be our BETA and all, we r so glad you helped make chappy two a success!
Draco's Girl: Hey gurlie, glad ya liked da fic. Draco is a fine mofo and y'all know it too! Word up, Hommie G, mah brotha. ******* Some people call me space cowboy
Some call me the gangster of love
Some people call me Maruice
Cause I speak of the pomatis of love
People talk about me baby
Say I done you wrong, done you wrong
Well don't you worry baby, don't you worry
Cause I'm right right here at home
(By Tom Petty) ******
These were the lyrics that 'Bom Tombadil' wrote in his handy dandy notebook. He was angsting sorrowfully because he was depressed that his wife hanged herself with the umbilical cord of their still born child who was born with a piercing cry that pierced the midnight air. He was now traveling with the Elven army.
*****
Gandalf the Grey shuddered. He knew what was coming and he knew the price Middle Earth would pay if *it* succeeded. *She* was coming. To Middle Earth. And not even the Gods above Middle Earth could stop her. There was only one way to prevent eminent destruction. 'The Fellowship', Gandalf breathed, 'must be reunited.' Gandalf knew what he must do. He must send runners to gather the fellowship together once more. But first, it was bingo night in the old folks pavilion where Gandalf lived and he would be damned if he didn't get the first of that creamed corn.
*****
"They are coming."
"I know, I know! We want them to come!"
"Yes, yes, Master will return!"
"No! Master is not our Master! Master was mean to Gollum."
"But Smeagol likes Master! Smeagol wants Master to return! Master was nice!"
""No, Gollum! Master was mean!"
"Eggs. muusstttt eeeaaattt egggsss. BRAAAAIIINNNNSSSSS!"
"SHUT UP!"
"YES, SHUT UP!"
"NO, DON"T SHUT UP!"
"Such good boys, would you like a lolly?"
"NO!!!!!"
"BRAAAIIINNNSSS!!!"
"Left Side is angry!"
"Right side wants to play!"
"SMEAGOL IS WANTING TO TALK! USE OWN VOCAL CORDS!"
"Meesa Smeagol. Mmm, yes, talk you must!"
The voices inside Gollum struggled for control, racking the poor creature's brain with insanity. Soon, it would be too late for Smeagol.
"BRAINS!"
*****
Tom wandered the nearly-deserted streets of the riverside village that the Elven Army had currently stopped in. The few people that were out and about seemed rather wary of our fig-leaf clad hero. But, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted the most sensual man he had ever laid the corners of his eyes upon. The figure simply stared back, his dark eyes mirrors of a tortured soul. What had happened to him, to make him so sad, but so lusciously, masculinely fuckable. But what was this? He was approaching Tom. Quivering, the elf cadet focused on the man and noticed that this gorgeous hunk of manhood had only one arm. But where could the other one be?
"Looking for a good time, Sailor?" the stranger crooned, drawing close to Tom and trailing one succulent finger down Tom's well-developed chest.
"I. Um. Er. That is to say. You. Me. Uh. You're hot."
"I get that all the time," the strange man purred, "But for the right price, I'll be all yours, all night long, giving you all that you can stand. All."
Tom flushed brilliantly. It was at this very moment that he realized he was gay and that his marriage to his darling wife had been purely a political one and that the child, most likely, wasn't his, because he'd never actually slept with her. Come to think of it, it was also half lobster! "How much will it be, Monsieur Sexy-Ass?"
"How much you got, Sir Humpalot?"
"As much as you need, Baby Butt-Lover."
" Hey, you've got fig-leaves on your ears!"
"I got 'em somewhere else too, Greasy-Haired Vixen."
"Hey, that was mean."
"Sorry."
*****
The cloaked rider rode as he had been riding all night, long and hard. He bounced in the saddle, which was quite painful, considering his giant erection. But it couldn't be helped, he was just so excited to see Faramir, the Great Farmir! The Great Boromir's Great Brother, Faramir the Great! This was just. So great! Slowing as he approached the strong-hold, the mysterious rider jumped out of the saddle and ran all the way up the stairs, screaming Faramir's name as he did so.
"What's all this racket about?" Faramir, seated on a massive and impressively enormous, hard stone throne asked, a glass of ale in his massive, gigantic, masculine, manly, testosterone injected, hairy hand.
"News from Gandalf the Gray, my Liege! The Fellowship, it is to be reunited, with you in your brother's place!"
"How can this be! A spiritual oath was taken; only those present then can be included in the super elite Fellowship!"
A slinky, vixen of a women slunk out from the shadows, her chestnut-brown hair glimmering in the torchlight as it trailed behind her like a train, only it was hair. Yesterday, the floor had been scrubbed, so Alexis had decided to let her beautiful, luscious, voluptuous hair flow free.
"And who are you?" Faramir asked gently, entranced by her ridiculously enormous breasts, heaving beneath the velvet, silken fabric of her tight, form-fitting burgundy dress. He also liked her large crystal-blue eyes, but not as much.
"I am Alexis Ravynwoolf Andromeda Athena Morrigan Falippa Verna Onomatopoeia Snowstone Thomas of Prettyplace Grove, daughter of Gwennyth Silvershadow Lightdance of the Starfire Shooter Sexy People Tribe, humble advisor to you, my Liege."
"Oh," he said, while mentally he congratulated her on her back-straining bosom. Really, it reminded him of his mother.
"I believe I may be of some assistance, your highness, for I have studied the ways of the sorceress with Lady Angeline Darkearth Moonflow, and I can summon the spirit of your brother, place it inside yourself and you shall become what you should become," she purred, narrowing her green, mischievous eyes.
"I see, well, we'll do that tonight, then."
"But the ritual is not without peril, I was informed of it by Princess Longhair Goldface Pasha Adrier, disciple of-"
"I don't care," he cut in, rocking back and forth on his throne, hoping to get a better look down her dress.
In a dark corner of the dark room, the dark hooded rider wept slowly to himself, for it was all too clear, Faramir was trying to get a piece of her booty.
*****
Hurriedly, Prince Legolas Greenleaf pulled on his khaki breeches and ran towards his horse. "The Fellowship, it's coming back together! I must ride to Rivendell!" he cried out, urging the horse to run. Before long he was almost at Rivendell, having ridden an elvish horse that ran as fast as three elvish horses, which, when converted into regular horses, ran at a speed equivalent to that of four-hundred and ninety-seven regular horses. Crying out for Elron, the blonde beauty hurried through the foyer of the palace.
"Elron! The Fellowship! It has come back together! Ar- They will all be returning! Elron?" Legolas glanced around hurriedly. "Oh."
*****
Arwen threw down her silver-plated mirror, emitting a loud, piercing whine of a scream (similar to the piercing cry of a stillborn child). She was lonely. Her beloved Aragorn had not returned to her. She had last seen her beloved before he left to fight the evil orks that were invading her kingdom for no apparent reason whatsoever except that it made a nice plot point, and besides the orks had extra white paint and needed to do something with it so they put it on their faces and ran around naked and then invaded her kingdom for no real reason other than she was an annoying bitch who puts animal crackers down her panties. But they liked her father's music. He was a badass who got his animal cracker humping daughter into movies by singing songs with his massive, scary lips of Satan. But this is another story and we stray from the point. The point was Arwen was getting horn.er.lonely and missed Aragorn. *Te adviso Aragorn, te anucio Aragorn que hoy renucio a Aragron tus negociones sucios* The elven princess Morningstar thought to herself in elvish. A rough translation would be "Aragorn, Aragorn, where for art though Aragorn." She longed for her man-prince. But where could he be. No matter, for she had received news from Gandalf the White that the Fellowship was to unite in her father's palace. She would surely see her hunk of manhood then.
****
"Oh Gods above Middle Earth!" Tom moaned.
"A little to the left, that's good for Steve!" Aragorn shouted, using his man-whore name of Steve. Steve McSteveland of the Steve Clan of Steveville in Steveco. Aragorn had always thought that Steve was a sexy name and had begged Arwen to let him call her that. She had said "I think it's just a little weird that you want to call me by a man's name." He responded by saying, "No, honey, Steve can be a nice girl's name. Now turn around bitch."
Now, as "Bom" was releasing a gallon of his love seed into "Steve's" tight canal, both men were filled with happy bliss. Even though really Aragorn was angsting over his missing arm and his beloved Arwen and most of all, the loss of his Man-Virginity. You see, the Prince of Men had never done it with a man before. That's not to say he hadn't thought about it a few times before, and even fashioned a phallus of fig leaves for Arwen to wear in bed..and she still had never suspected he liked boys..she must have been distracted by the animal crackers down her panties. She liked the monkeys the best, followed shortly by the rhinoceroses. But we stray from the point once more.
"I know we just met, but I think I am in love with you." Tom purred in Aragorn's ear, as Aragorn lay on Tom's manly chest.
"Shhh. Don't speak." Aragorn whispered huskily, kissing Tom's lips to silence him.
"Come travel with the Elf army, my love." Tom begged the beautiful man in his bed..er..army cot.
"Of course. For you I would do anything. Even put animal crackers down..no.it brings back too many painful memories. I cannot speak of it."
******************
Legolas' feminine jaw dropped when he beheld the scene before him. He was standing in the front hall of Rivendell, preparing to speak with Elron. In the room, four or five elven men were struggling with Lord Elron. They were attempting to pry a pair of golden pinking sheers from Elron's grasp.
"No! You can not stop me!" Elron screamed, his voice sounding strange.
"Prince Legolas! Help us! We must stop him!" A pretty elf screeched.
Legolas dived forward. "No! He must not cut his hair! It is our only hope!" he yelled.
"I need the access codes!" Was all Elron would say, when they asked him later about the incident.
****
Sam was happily filing Frodo's nails while Merry stuck his tongue down Pippin's throat behind a rock. Frodo gazed at his gardener with a sad look of longing in his sad and longing eyes longingly and sadly.
"What's the matter Mr. Frodo?" Sam asked. "Your Sam is here, your Sam!"
"Sam, no, you'd never understand." Frodo said.
"What is it Mr. Frodo, you know you can tell me anything."
"Well, Sam-" He began, but he was interrupted by Sam.
"Just a minute, Mr. Frodo. I should check on Merry and Pippin."
"No, don't go behind that rock!" Frodo yelled.
Meanwhile, behind the rock, Merry and Pippin stopped what they were doing in fear of being caught by Sam.
"Why, Mr. Frodo?"
"Uh..."
Just then, Sam tripped on a rock. "GOD DAMN QUEER ROCK!" He screamed at the pebble. You see, Sam was homophobic. Plus he really didn't like rocks.
** ** ** **
She billowed through the decadent corridors of her oasis palace. Her name was Aurora Crystal Moonshadow, and she was what all of Middle Earth was afraid of. She had the power to destroy Middle Earth, or to save it. She was seventeen years old, and for the last seventeen years of her seventeen year long life she had been watched over by two women for seventeen years. (But not in a gay way.) Middle Earth would soon have to face the music.
Aurora turned her sparkling pink eyes on her caretakers. They were none other than Venus and Black Angel.
***** **************
A/N: Sorry for the cliff hanger, ya'll! Don't hate, don't hate. Plz review our lil chappy of our lil ficcy and we'll give you a shout out in the next lil chappy and a cookie from Albuck Jr.
Author's Note:: Don't hate, don't hate, don't hate.
Author's Note 2.2: We put up a website with WIQUED KEWL html and it has pictures that Albuck Jr. made for us! Go visit it y'all!
Son of the Author's Note: We are glad y'all liked the song chappy that was the last chappy and we will try to make the next chappy as good as the last song chappy.
The Author's Note Strikes Back: We don't want to name names or nuttin', but some of y'all been hatin'. Don't hate, don't hate. Flames will be used to light the Hufflepuff common room's fireplace. Yeah, we got access to it. Cuz we be badass wizards, so don't mess wit us y'all, or we'll go "FLIPENDO!" on yo' @$$!
SHOUTOUTZ:
LaDy_WhItE_rOse: Thanx again for the bodacious review. You rock our socks, gurl. You're off da heezy fo' sheezy! You da big pimpinest! And since you be our BETA and all, we r so glad you helped make chappy two a success!
Draco's Girl: Hey gurlie, glad ya liked da fic. Draco is a fine mofo and y'all know it too! Word up, Hommie G, mah brotha. ******* Some people call me space cowboy
Some call me the gangster of love
Some people call me Maruice
Cause I speak of the pomatis of love
People talk about me baby
Say I done you wrong, done you wrong
Well don't you worry baby, don't you worry
Cause I'm right right here at home
(By Tom Petty) ******
These were the lyrics that 'Bom Tombadil' wrote in his handy dandy notebook. He was angsting sorrowfully because he was depressed that his wife hanged herself with the umbilical cord of their still born child who was born with a piercing cry that pierced the midnight air. He was now traveling with the Elven army.
*****
Gandalf the Grey shuddered. He knew what was coming and he knew the price Middle Earth would pay if *it* succeeded. *She* was coming. To Middle Earth. And not even the Gods above Middle Earth could stop her. There was only one way to prevent eminent destruction. 'The Fellowship', Gandalf breathed, 'must be reunited.' Gandalf knew what he must do. He must send runners to gather the fellowship together once more. But first, it was bingo night in the old folks pavilion where Gandalf lived and he would be damned if he didn't get the first of that creamed corn.
*****
"They are coming."
"I know, I know! We want them to come!"
"Yes, yes, Master will return!"
"No! Master is not our Master! Master was mean to Gollum."
"But Smeagol likes Master! Smeagol wants Master to return! Master was nice!"
""No, Gollum! Master was mean!"
"Eggs. muusstttt eeeaaattt egggsss. BRAAAAIIINNNNSSSSS!"
"SHUT UP!"
"YES, SHUT UP!"
"NO, DON"T SHUT UP!"
"Such good boys, would you like a lolly?"
"NO!!!!!"
"BRAAAIIINNNSSS!!!"
"Left Side is angry!"
"Right side wants to play!"
"SMEAGOL IS WANTING TO TALK! USE OWN VOCAL CORDS!"
"Meesa Smeagol. Mmm, yes, talk you must!"
The voices inside Gollum struggled for control, racking the poor creature's brain with insanity. Soon, it would be too late for Smeagol.
"BRAINS!"
*****
Tom wandered the nearly-deserted streets of the riverside village that the Elven Army had currently stopped in. The few people that were out and about seemed rather wary of our fig-leaf clad hero. But, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted the most sensual man he had ever laid the corners of his eyes upon. The figure simply stared back, his dark eyes mirrors of a tortured soul. What had happened to him, to make him so sad, but so lusciously, masculinely fuckable. But what was this? He was approaching Tom. Quivering, the elf cadet focused on the man and noticed that this gorgeous hunk of manhood had only one arm. But where could the other one be?
"Looking for a good time, Sailor?" the stranger crooned, drawing close to Tom and trailing one succulent finger down Tom's well-developed chest.
"I. Um. Er. That is to say. You. Me. Uh. You're hot."
"I get that all the time," the strange man purred, "But for the right price, I'll be all yours, all night long, giving you all that you can stand. All."
Tom flushed brilliantly. It was at this very moment that he realized he was gay and that his marriage to his darling wife had been purely a political one and that the child, most likely, wasn't his, because he'd never actually slept with her. Come to think of it, it was also half lobster! "How much will it be, Monsieur Sexy-Ass?"
"How much you got, Sir Humpalot?"
"As much as you need, Baby Butt-Lover."
" Hey, you've got fig-leaves on your ears!"
"I got 'em somewhere else too, Greasy-Haired Vixen."
"Hey, that was mean."
"Sorry."
*****
The cloaked rider rode as he had been riding all night, long and hard. He bounced in the saddle, which was quite painful, considering his giant erection. But it couldn't be helped, he was just so excited to see Faramir, the Great Farmir! The Great Boromir's Great Brother, Faramir the Great! This was just. So great! Slowing as he approached the strong-hold, the mysterious rider jumped out of the saddle and ran all the way up the stairs, screaming Faramir's name as he did so.
"What's all this racket about?" Faramir, seated on a massive and impressively enormous, hard stone throne asked, a glass of ale in his massive, gigantic, masculine, manly, testosterone injected, hairy hand.
"News from Gandalf the Gray, my Liege! The Fellowship, it is to be reunited, with you in your brother's place!"
"How can this be! A spiritual oath was taken; only those present then can be included in the super elite Fellowship!"
A slinky, vixen of a women slunk out from the shadows, her chestnut-brown hair glimmering in the torchlight as it trailed behind her like a train, only it was hair. Yesterday, the floor had been scrubbed, so Alexis had decided to let her beautiful, luscious, voluptuous hair flow free.
"And who are you?" Faramir asked gently, entranced by her ridiculously enormous breasts, heaving beneath the velvet, silken fabric of her tight, form-fitting burgundy dress. He also liked her large crystal-blue eyes, but not as much.
"I am Alexis Ravynwoolf Andromeda Athena Morrigan Falippa Verna Onomatopoeia Snowstone Thomas of Prettyplace Grove, daughter of Gwennyth Silvershadow Lightdance of the Starfire Shooter Sexy People Tribe, humble advisor to you, my Liege."
"Oh," he said, while mentally he congratulated her on her back-straining bosom. Really, it reminded him of his mother.
"I believe I may be of some assistance, your highness, for I have studied the ways of the sorceress with Lady Angeline Darkearth Moonflow, and I can summon the spirit of your brother, place it inside yourself and you shall become what you should become," she purred, narrowing her green, mischievous eyes.
"I see, well, we'll do that tonight, then."
"But the ritual is not without peril, I was informed of it by Princess Longhair Goldface Pasha Adrier, disciple of-"
"I don't care," he cut in, rocking back and forth on his throne, hoping to get a better look down her dress.
In a dark corner of the dark room, the dark hooded rider wept slowly to himself, for it was all too clear, Faramir was trying to get a piece of her booty.
*****
Hurriedly, Prince Legolas Greenleaf pulled on his khaki breeches and ran towards his horse. "The Fellowship, it's coming back together! I must ride to Rivendell!" he cried out, urging the horse to run. Before long he was almost at Rivendell, having ridden an elvish horse that ran as fast as three elvish horses, which, when converted into regular horses, ran at a speed equivalent to that of four-hundred and ninety-seven regular horses. Crying out for Elron, the blonde beauty hurried through the foyer of the palace.
"Elron! The Fellowship! It has come back together! Ar- They will all be returning! Elron?" Legolas glanced around hurriedly. "Oh."
*****
Arwen threw down her silver-plated mirror, emitting a loud, piercing whine of a scream (similar to the piercing cry of a stillborn child). She was lonely. Her beloved Aragorn had not returned to her. She had last seen her beloved before he left to fight the evil orks that were invading her kingdom for no apparent reason whatsoever except that it made a nice plot point, and besides the orks had extra white paint and needed to do something with it so they put it on their faces and ran around naked and then invaded her kingdom for no real reason other than she was an annoying bitch who puts animal crackers down her panties. But they liked her father's music. He was a badass who got his animal cracker humping daughter into movies by singing songs with his massive, scary lips of Satan. But this is another story and we stray from the point. The point was Arwen was getting horn.er.lonely and missed Aragorn. *Te adviso Aragorn, te anucio Aragorn que hoy renucio a Aragron tus negociones sucios* The elven princess Morningstar thought to herself in elvish. A rough translation would be "Aragorn, Aragorn, where for art though Aragorn." She longed for her man-prince. But where could he be. No matter, for she had received news from Gandalf the White that the Fellowship was to unite in her father's palace. She would surely see her hunk of manhood then.
****
"Oh Gods above Middle Earth!" Tom moaned.
"A little to the left, that's good for Steve!" Aragorn shouted, using his man-whore name of Steve. Steve McSteveland of the Steve Clan of Steveville in Steveco. Aragorn had always thought that Steve was a sexy name and had begged Arwen to let him call her that. She had said "I think it's just a little weird that you want to call me by a man's name." He responded by saying, "No, honey, Steve can be a nice girl's name. Now turn around bitch."
Now, as "Bom" was releasing a gallon of his love seed into "Steve's" tight canal, both men were filled with happy bliss. Even though really Aragorn was angsting over his missing arm and his beloved Arwen and most of all, the loss of his Man-Virginity. You see, the Prince of Men had never done it with a man before. That's not to say he hadn't thought about it a few times before, and even fashioned a phallus of fig leaves for Arwen to wear in bed..and she still had never suspected he liked boys..she must have been distracted by the animal crackers down her panties. She liked the monkeys the best, followed shortly by the rhinoceroses. But we stray from the point once more.
"I know we just met, but I think I am in love with you." Tom purred in Aragorn's ear, as Aragorn lay on Tom's manly chest.
"Shhh. Don't speak." Aragorn whispered huskily, kissing Tom's lips to silence him.
"Come travel with the Elf army, my love." Tom begged the beautiful man in his bed..er..army cot.
"Of course. For you I would do anything. Even put animal crackers down..no.it brings back too many painful memories. I cannot speak of it."
******************
Legolas' feminine jaw dropped when he beheld the scene before him. He was standing in the front hall of Rivendell, preparing to speak with Elron. In the room, four or five elven men were struggling with Lord Elron. They were attempting to pry a pair of golden pinking sheers from Elron's grasp.
"No! You can not stop me!" Elron screamed, his voice sounding strange.
"Prince Legolas! Help us! We must stop him!" A pretty elf screeched.
Legolas dived forward. "No! He must not cut his hair! It is our only hope!" he yelled.
"I need the access codes!" Was all Elron would say, when they asked him later about the incident.
****
Sam was happily filing Frodo's nails while Merry stuck his tongue down Pippin's throat behind a rock. Frodo gazed at his gardener with a sad look of longing in his sad and longing eyes longingly and sadly.
"What's the matter Mr. Frodo?" Sam asked. "Your Sam is here, your Sam!"
"Sam, no, you'd never understand." Frodo said.
"What is it Mr. Frodo, you know you can tell me anything."
"Well, Sam-" He began, but he was interrupted by Sam.
"Just a minute, Mr. Frodo. I should check on Merry and Pippin."
"No, don't go behind that rock!" Frodo yelled.
Meanwhile, behind the rock, Merry and Pippin stopped what they were doing in fear of being caught by Sam.
"Why, Mr. Frodo?"
"Uh..."
Just then, Sam tripped on a rock. "GOD DAMN QUEER ROCK!" He screamed at the pebble. You see, Sam was homophobic. Plus he really didn't like rocks.
** ** ** **
She billowed through the decadent corridors of her oasis palace. Her name was Aurora Crystal Moonshadow, and she was what all of Middle Earth was afraid of. She had the power to destroy Middle Earth, or to save it. She was seventeen years old, and for the last seventeen years of her seventeen year long life she had been watched over by two women for seventeen years. (But not in a gay way.) Middle Earth would soon have to face the music.
Aurora turned her sparkling pink eyes on her caretakers. They were none other than Venus and Black Angel.
***** **************
A/N: Sorry for the cliff hanger, ya'll! Don't hate, don't hate. Plz review our lil chappy of our lil ficcy and we'll give you a shout out in the next lil chappy and a cookie from Albuck Jr.
