Chapter Three: Denial, it's not just a river in Egypt and the Pizza Boy

Author's notz: y'all, we're not putting out shout outz now, but we'll make up for it in the next chappy! Don't hate, don't hate. Thanks you all those who've been reviewing us, ya did real gud and we luv ya!

We know it's been a long time, but we have just been so busy with Albuck Jr. Oh, and Albuck Sr. is paying child support now that that nice Mr. Springer man sent Steve over to kick his @$$! Peace out!

*********** **** "I'm not the brightest crayon in the box

Everyone says I am dumber than a bag of rocks

I barley even know how to put on my own pants

But I am a genius in Mirkwood!"

Sang Legolas as he sat in the elven meeting room. Every so often his thoughts were interrupted by Elrond screaming "ACESS CODES" in the back ground, while the masculine elven soldiers tried to give him sedatives.

"I am glad you're here, Legolas," said a familiar feminine voice by his ear.

"Yeah, I'm glad to be here. Having just returned from the Wal-Mart in Hawaii."

Arwen gave an annoyingly feminine laugh "Oh, Legolas, you're so funny. I can see why Aragorn likes you."

Legolas' eyes lit up and he spun around quickly. "Aragorn likes me?" He asked happily.

"Yes, he is always talking about how good you are at shooting arrows and he says he hopes he can get his hands around your bow one day, and he wants you to use his sword. And then he stated talking about Frodo's sword and how big it is, but I'm sorry, it seems kinda small, and since he's a hobbit I don't think he'd be able to pick it up if it was that big. And then he was talking about Gandalf's staff and how it isn't that nobly, but since it's made out of wood I think Aragorn is just confused." Arwen paused and looked thoughtfully around. "I don't know what his obsession with other guys weapons is about..that and his 'steve' fetish."

But Legolas was so happy he wasn't listening. "My beloved, is it true?" he whispered.

"So anyway, as I was saying, I am getting really lonely, and it would be nice if there was a MAN around," she said pointedly.

"I know exactly what you mean," he agreed.

"You know, a MAN that I could have sex with!"

"yeah." Legolas agreed dreamily.

"Because I miss Aragorn,"

"I do too," said Legolas.

"GODDAMNIT WILL YOU JUST SCREW ME ALREADY?!" Screamed Arwen

"Yep, that's exactly what I am going to say to him when I see him."

"What?" asked Arwen.

"I mean, yes, Arwen, I will have sex with you."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * "I hate myself," whispered Gimli, cutting himself for the third time this week. "Snap, Crackle, Pop. There grrrrreat! Trix are for kids." (And apparently Aragorn.)

Gimli was approaching Rivendell, and he would be there tomorrow. But he was taking time for some angst. Plus his lip was still bleeding from where he pierced himself. And his black nail polish needed touching up.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *** ** * **

"Now free your mind," Alexis said to Farmir, her red eyes glinting in the firelight.

"Yes, my mind is free," said Famir as he stared at her breasts.

"See how far the rabbit hole goes." Alexis purred.

"Yes, your breasts are big." Farmir whispered dreamily.

"This isn't so great anymore," the hooded rider whined to himself. "Stupid Farmir the Great.. Maybe if I had big boobs he'd stare at me."

Alexis put down her mary jane. "So, you guys wanna go do the ritual to have Farmir become possessed by Bormir?"

"Can we eat first?" Farmir asked, eyes firmly planted on her chest.

* * * ******* ***** ****

Gandalf the Indigo was riding toward Rivendell.

"Whatcha doin'? asked Saruman.

"Nonya!"

"Nonya what?"

"Nonya business!" Screamed Gandalf.

"You must be Jamaican!"

"Why?"

"Because Jamaican me crazy!"

"Oh, come now," Gandalf said, "You're just bitter because I beat you at bingo."

"I thought you said you wouldn't talk about that anymore!"

"Has anyone ever told you that you look like Cher?" Asked Gandalf.

"Cher? Oh my GOD! I love Cher!"

Yes, Gandalf was riding to Rivendell, and Saruman was coming with him.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Where are you going?" Purred Tom, wrapping his arm around 'Steve's' chest.

"I must go to the fellowship."

"Why? Why don't you just stay here and have sex with me?" Whined Tom, er "bom".

"Because it is my duty, as it is your duty to serve your people in the army."

"What? Oh, yeah, because I'm an elf." Reasoned Bom. "Wait, don't go, you only have one arm and they won't love you."

"Yes, it is true, that is why I became a prostitute. But now that I am in love with you, I have the confidence to return." Said Aragorn. "Plus there are lots of hot men in the fellowship."

"That's it! I'm coming!"

"O.kay."

And so they set out for Rivendell.

* * * * *